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1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:04,240
Yeah, not going out
2
00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:05,840
Not staying in
3
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:09,200
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
4
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,640
But there is no need
to scream and shout
5
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:15,000
We're not going out
6
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:18,960
We are not going out.
7
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,080
Oh, don't worry, Lucy.
8
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:29,760
My mum used to say that tears
were like Elton John -
9
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,640
much better once they were out.
10
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,960
Because he wasn't always a homose...
We got it!
11
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,600
DOOR OPENS
12
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:51,000
I'm on my way from misery
to happiness today
13
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,240
Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
14
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:57,960
I'm on my way from misery
to happiness today
15
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,640
Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
16
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,000
I'm on my way
from what I want...
17
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,240
It's The Proclaimers.
18
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,440
I thought it'd get a laugh.
19
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,120
Jedward?
20
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,480
What's going on?
21
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,280
Can we talk about it in the morning?
What, you mean...
22
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,960
When I wake up...?
23
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,720
What's happened?
24
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:35,760
It's Tim and Lucy's parents. They're
thinking about splitting up. Why?
25
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,880
We don't know. They won't discuss it.
26
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:41,280
That's why I've invited Dad over
to try and get to the bottom of it.
27
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:46,240
You've done what?! Don't get
involved, Lucy, They'll be fine. Fine? They're splitting up, Tim!
28
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,960
Don't say that!
Why have you got to ruin everything?
29
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:53,960
This is like when you were five.
"There's no tooth fairy, Tim!" Aren't you ten years older?
30
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,080
I was a late developer, all right?
31
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:03,920
Typical! First sign of trouble
and you're like an ostrich, burying your head in the sand.
32
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,200
That's a myth. Ostriches don't bury
their heads in the sand.
33
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,760
What do they do? Stand around
with gawping faces
34
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:12,280
while more grown-up birds take
responsibility for mending the nest?
35
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:16,040
Doubt it. They probably just
fly off, don't they?
36
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:22,600
Dad's on his way, and we'd have
a better chance of him opening if you and Daisy weren't here.
37
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,840
Do you not think you're
overreacting a bit?
38
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,640
What?!
39
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,080
My mum and dad split up
when I was a kid.
40
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:34,360
I survived, moved on, became
a well-adjusted, rounded adult.
41
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,720
SHE SOBS
42
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:39,680
Go! Just get out!
43
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,200
Come on, Daisy.
I know when I'm not wanted.
44
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,840
Yeah, days that end in a "Y".
45
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,080
Oh that's today - Friday!
46
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,320
Sure you won't don't want a drink?
47
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,880
No, thanks.
Drinking makes me thirsty.
48
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,920
Lucy wasn't very happy with you,
was she?
49
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,560
The problem with Lucy,
she let's her heart rule her head. I'm like that.
50
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:13,960
Yeah, well, in your case,
it's probably best to leave something else in charge.
51
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,640
You should try making it up to her.
52
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:25,120
How? Well, the quickest way to a
woman's heart is to do a thoughtful, unselfish, considerate act.
53
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,720
What's the next quickest way?
54
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:33,000
Anyway, what do you mean,
to her heart? You know what I mean!
55
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:39,000
No, I don't. You want to be
with Lucy, but you can't, because she's out of your league.
56
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:42,120
They said that about Blackpool.
Who did?
57
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,760
I don't know. Come on, who said it?
58
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:53,040
Do you know what I'm talking about
when I say Blackpool? No...
59
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,600
But you want to know who said it?
60
00:03:55,600 --> 00:04:01,600
It's more important to know who's
talking than what they are saying.
61
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:06,520
No, it's not.
I overheard John Malkovich talking about Blackpool once.
62
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,040
John Malkovich?! See?
63
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,440
You didn't say, "Blackpool?!"
You said, "John Malkovich?!"
64
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:16,400
You were more worried about
who said it, not what was said.
65
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,080
The point is...
66
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:23,800
..they said Blackpool Football Club
wouldn't make the Premiership, and guess what happened?
67
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:27,080
They beat Cardiff 3-2
in the play-off final.
68
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:37,400
How do you know that? I told you,
I heard John Malkovich talking about it on Match Of The Day.
69
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,280
Do you mean John Motson?
70
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:46,080
No, John Motson's the actor.
71
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:50,160
You know, he was in that film,
Being John Malkovich...
72
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:59,920
It's a pity that there isn't
a way for you to help Lucy's parents get back together.
73
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,440
That would be a pretty good way
to Lucy's heart.
74
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,200
Psst!
75
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:14,200
Psst! I think your brain's
got a puncture.
76
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,720
I know something you don't know.
77
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,880
You're not going to tell me Jimmy
Krankie isn't a real boy again?
78
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,520
Tim's mum told me
what the problem was.
79
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:28,600
She made me swear not to tell
another human being, but I can tell you.
80
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:32,600
She's sick of Geoffrey
being so controlling.
81
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,880
Apparently, she wanted to
go ballroom dancing recently, and he wouldn't let her.
82
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,600
All this over ballroom dancing?
83
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:44,760
Exactly. Maybe you should have
a little talk with Lucy's dad, make him see sense.
84
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,920
I'm sure Lucy would
be very grateful...
85
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:51,360
You'd soon be like Blackpool then!
86
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:57,040
Getting lots of top-flight action.
87
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,800
I mean sex. I got it!
88
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,000
So, are you are you going
to talk to him,
89
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:11,000
convince him to stop being the one
who always has to wear the trousers? Is the Pope a Catholic?
90
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,880
He is a Catholic. Right.
91
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:21,360
Lucy might be right -
you might feel better if you told us what was going on.
92
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:27,320
The last time you wanted to talk
about adult things was when you asked me the facts of life,
93
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,840
and what happened then?
94
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,480
That's right, you were sick.
95
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,000
I'd had a dodgy pint.
96
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,840
Dad... For the last time,
I'm not discussing it.
97
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,960
What were you told
about staying out? Argh!
98
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,720
What were you told about
not letting your dog on the sofa?
99
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:53,080
I agree with you, Dad. This is
just between you and Mum, but you still need to sort it out.
100
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,080
What have you done
with my girlfriend?
101
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:59,800
I left her in the pub on the
fruit machine - told her it would count towards her five-a-day.
102
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:08,160
Sorry to hear you and Wendy
are having problems, Geoffrey.
103
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,680
Women, eh?
104
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,960
Can't live with 'em,
can't...bloody get one.
105
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,320
Chalk and cheese, aren't we,
men and women?
106
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:26,320
Women are the cheese - fragrant,
luxurious, need to be savoured...
107
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,800
But they're also complex...
108
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:33,480
and...blue and...veiny.
109
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,960
And men are the chalk -
110
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:42,280
happy to just...stay at home
and not go ballroom dancing.
111
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,240
Who told you about that?
112
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,160
Oh, a little bird.
Well, headless chicken.
113
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:55,040
Ballroom dancing. It's ridiculous,
I blame bloody Bruce Forsyth.
114
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:58,240
The thing is, Geoffrey,
it's all about compromise.
115
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:02,200
My dad's favourite saying was,
"When it comes to relationships,
116
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:06,880
"you can either choose to be right
or you can choose to be happy." Actually, that's not true.
117
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:11,960
His favourite saying was, "Get me
20 Silk Cut, and if they ask for ID, say you've got dwarfism."
118
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:16,880
But the point is, sometimes in life,
you've just got to choose between those two things.
119
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:22,600
Still here, Lee? Actually,
Lee and I having been having a nice chat, as it goes.
120
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:26,360
Really?
Yes, it has been very enlightening.
121
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,920
Talk about not judging a book
by its cover.
122
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:34,000
What, even if the title's I'm From
The North, I'm Clueless And I Stink?
123
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,280
He's actually been very insightful.
124
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:40,160
The cue for the thank-you hug
starts here.
125
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,720
I may even throw in a free kiss
at no extra charge.
126
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:46,960
He's made me put a few things
into perspective. Cashier number five, please!
127
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,960
Sorry, madam, I'm going to have to
weigh those first.
128
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,640
Too much.
129
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:01,320
He's made me see
there's really only one choice.
130
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,320
You're going to
patch things up with Mum? No.
131
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:09,960
I'm going to pack my bags and move
in here for a while. Make a clean break from your mother. What?!
132
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,880
You made some very salient points.
133
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:16,720
But I'm from the North,
and I'm clueless...and I stink.
134
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,000
What did he say this time?
135
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:23,480
He said, in a relationship,
you can either choose to be right or choose to be happy.
136
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,320
And I like being right
more than I like being happy.
137
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:32,680
In fact, I'm almost never happy,
but I'm always right.
138
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:37,880
I'll take your room for a while, Lee.
You can have the sofa.
139
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,560
I'll go and pack my bags.
140
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,640
Why's your face
gone on screensaver?
141
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,080
Morning!
142
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,400
Ohh... What time is it?
143
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,360
Six o'clock. Has the Queen died?
144
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:07,880
Well, you know what they say about
early birds and worms.
145
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,440
Always get out of bed early
if you're going out with a bird with worms.
146
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:17,280
Look, Geoffrey, I don't know
exactly what's going on between you and Wendy,
147
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:22,200
but you're not going to find the
answers in my bedroom. No, but I did find some other things.
148
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:25,880
I'll make us coffee.
149
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,120
You're up early.
150
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,400
I'm assuming your dad
woke you up as well.
151
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,440
Am I getting the silent treatment?
152
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,440
You're not very good at whistling,
are you?
153
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:47,920
It's me that's suffering here.
I'm having to sleep on the sofa.
154
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:51,760
I'm having to witness the breakdown
of my parents' 40-year-old marriage
155
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:55,640
whilst I cry myself to sleep at
night about the future of my family.
156
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,640
All right, 1-1.
157
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,960
Anyway, I wouldn't worry
about having to sleep on the sofa for much longer. What?
158
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,520
Three people, two bedrooms -
you do the maths, Lee.
159
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:10,960
All right, but if you keep me awake
with your snoring, you're on the bathroom floor.
160
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,920
You're throwing me out?
It gives me no pleasure to say it,
161
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:18,840
but if they don't get back together,
it looks like I'll have to.
162
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,920
Actually, it gave me
a bit of pleasure.
163
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,160
Have you or Lucy tried
talking to your mum about this?
164
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:34,960
Of course, but Mum's worse than Dad,
it's like trying to get blood out a stone. Let me do it.
165
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,920
Do what? Go round to your mum's and
squeeze her so the blood comes out.
166
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,840
Haven't you done enough damage?
167
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:45,440
Trust me, I can do more.
I mean, to help.
168
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:50,440
Who knows? The problem
may lie with your mum. The problem does lie with my mum.
169
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,400
In her bed. He's called Dad!
170
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:53,920
Then let me lie with her...
171
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,280
Talk to her!
172
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:58,840
Come on, Tim. I'm going to
get thrown out. Give me a chance.
173
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:03,640
Think about it, she might open up
to me. We're not the same blood. You're not the same species.
174
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,880
OK, you can go. Thanks.
175
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:12,240
Like you say, I suppose she might
open up to a non-family member.
176
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,160
Just don't muck this up.
177
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:18,840
At least I'm showing concern. Were
you there for me when me mum split up with her last boyfriend?
178
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,280
She'd only been with him
for three weeks.
179
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,040
He was like a dad to me.
180
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:27,360
He got drunk all the time
and tried to sleep with your aunty.
181
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,880
Exactly, just like me dad.
182
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,880
Thanks for the...gift.
183
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:43,120
Never tasted...Thunderbird before.
184
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,320
17.5%!
185
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:51,720
I know. And there was a bottle of
Chablis for five times the price, that was only 12%.
186
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,240
I will never understand it.
187
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,480
Ooh, cheeky.
188
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:04,640
It's got a sort of...oaky...cokey...
189
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,440
Ah, that's what it's all about.
190
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:13,000
Look, Wendy...
191
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,400
I know this isn't really
any of my business,
192
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:19,240
but don't you think you should
meet up with Geoffrey and talk about things?
193
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:23,680
It's not that easy. There's...issues.
194
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,360
Carry on.
195
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:29,840
What you have to remember is that
when I married Geoffrey I was only 20.
196
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,920
He was already 40.
That's a big age gap.
197
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,120
And is the age gap still the same?
198
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,680
I mean, is it still a problem?
199
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:41,360
He certainly doesn't want
to go dancing with me.
200
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:45,320
Is it really worth
all this heartache just for a bit of ballroom dancing?
201
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,080
It's not that simple.
202
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,200
You see, I've got this...friend.
203
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,760
Right...
204
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,920
A friend. Don't worry, I understand.
205
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,440
Do you?
206
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,640
Yes. I once had a FRIEND,
207
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,920
and my FRIEND was worried
208
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,760
because he had warts on his...
209
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,760
..but when he had the courage to go
to the doctor and talk about it,
210
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,640
my FRIEND's problem was resolved.
211
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,200
I'm not talking about me,
I'm talking about my friend Janet.
212
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,720
I know.
213
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,640
Funny enough,
that was my friend's name, too.
214
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:29,240
Anyway, my friend Janet went to
the dancing first, and she loved it.
215
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:33,600
She was getting dancing lessons from
an Italian instructor called Bruno.
216
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:38,760
Let's just say she was
enjoying her sessions with the instructor too much.
217
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:44,960
You don't just mean he was giving
her dance instructions, do you? Not per se. I know - Bruno.
218
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,360
Anyway, it got me
thinking about things.
219
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:56,080
Do you know, in my entire life,
I've never been with another man,
220
00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:00,480
and Geoffrey doesn't seem
to want to know these days.
221
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,200
Oh, too much.
222
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,320
To be honest,
Geoffrey and I haven't...
223
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:10,600
danced for a long, long time.
224
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,480
So, what are you going to do?
225
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,920
I like sex, Lee.
226
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,760
I enjoy sex!
227
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,560
So do I, it's very...pleasant.
228
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,800
I'm even happy
to do it on my own sometimes.
229
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:32,600
Well, my flesh needs to be touched
and caressed by another friend!
230
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:36,160
You know if you give yourself
a dead arm first...
231
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,880
So, you're leaving Geoffrey?
I don't know.
232
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:46,680
What I do know is that
Janet's marriage seemed to be helped by her affair.
233
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:51,400
She was getting satisfaction
elsewhere. It made her more content at home.
234
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:57,560
Maybe I'd be the same if I,
you know, could...dance...
235
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:02,120
..even if it was just once...
236
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,640
with another man.
237
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,160
Right, I'd better get going.
238
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,200
Oh, so early?
239
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,520
Yes, I've got to go
and see my friend Janet.
240
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,720
The warts have spread
to his breasts.
241
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,160
Well, did you see her?
242
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,760
Who? Princess Michael of Kent -
who do you think(?)
243
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,840
Funny name, isn't it,
Princess Michael?
244
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,080
Never quite sure
if it's a man or a woman.
245
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:46,400
You know, like, Queen...Dave II.
246
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:50,120
Did you see my mum, or not? Yeah.
247
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:51,960
Did she talk about Dad?
248
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,000
Er, yes, I think
she did mention him.
249
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,640
What did she say about me?
250
00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:00,640
Well, she sort of said...
Oh, for Christ's sake man, just give it to me.
251
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,960
Yeah, that pretty much
summarises it.
252
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,800
Oh, just say it, Lee!
253
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,600
Do you not think we should
talk in private, Lucy?
254
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:12,920
If you don't start talking,
I might have to bring out what I found in your bedroom.
255
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:17,960
The women in those magazines
looked very odd with Lorraine Kelly's face stuck over theirs.
256
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,840
Start talking, for God's sake, man.
257
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:29,520
OK, if you want to know, she said
she might be able to find a way in which she can be content again.
258
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:30,800
How?
259
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,760
Right, this isn't easy...
260
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,280
but she said she wants to...
261
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,560
..dance with another man.
262
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,160
She wants... She wants to dance?!
263
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,600
She wants to dance.
264
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,480
With another man?
265
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,320
With another man.
266
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,960
Honestly?
267
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,200
Honestly.
268
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,800
Sorry, are you having
an English lesson?
269
00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:02,280
Over my dead body.
You start dancing with another man,
270
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:06,160
then he's holding her too tightly
and getting ideas! Exactly.
271
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,440
When I say dance, I mean...
272
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,440
..dance.
273
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,480
I'm sure you did.
I'm sure that's all she means, too.
274
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,360
But how do you know
it won't lead to something more?
275
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,640
She does want more. Oh, I get it.
276
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,760
You mean like a samba?
277
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:30,080
Something where they really
get hold of each other. What?!
278
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:35,080
Yes, but we all know where
that could lead, don't we? Do you know, I'm not sure you do.
279
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,640
Are you both mad?
280
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,160
Can't you see what Lee's saying?
281
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,560
It is more than just dancing.
282
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,360
Welcome to the Cotton-On Nightclub.
283
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,000
This is about Mum's freedom.
284
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:52,080
All she wants to do is have an
innocent dance with another man, and you two are making it all sordid.
285
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,280
Sorry, love,
you can't come in, no jeans.
286
00:18:56,200 --> 00:19:01,280
Can't you see that letting her
do this would symbolise a loosening of control, which is the problem?
287
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:05,840
Not a chance. For God's sake,
Dad, what's the matter? It's one bloody dance!
288
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,600
I'll dance with you in a minute,
young lady.
289
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,320
Please, let's not make this
any more complicated.
290
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,640
Where's everyone gone?
291
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:27,080
Your dad and Tim went for a walk,
they wanted to clear their heads. What about Daisy?
292
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:31,000
She went too. Can't help thinking
her head's clear enough as it is.
293
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:35,920
Everything's going to
work out for the best. Do you know any other cliches?
294
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,600
Just Gael. Gael Clichy,
plays left-back for Arsenal.
295
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:45,680
I must be depressed. I'm usually
on the floor when you do your jokes about the Arsenal back four.
296
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:50,280
Want to hear the one about
David Seaman being transferred to Cockermouth?
297
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:55,680
Thanks. What for?
For making the effort with my mum.
298
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,600
It's OK.
At least she got it off her chest.
299
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:02,360
Funnily enough, that's the
punch-line to the David Seaman joke.
300
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:07,720
I just wish Dad and Tim
would see that one dance isn't going to kill anybody.
301
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:13,000
Lucy, trust me, you can't allow
your mum to dance with another man.
302
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,800
Yes, we can. >
303
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:20,480
Tim and I have been having a chat.
After long deliberation, we think you're right, Lucy.
304
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:25,680
We need to encourage your mum to
have this dance if it's so important to her. That's great! Hang on.
305
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:30,160
Dad's right. If there's even
a small chance of saving their marriage, we have to do it.
306
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:35,960
It's important Mum gets everything
she's looking for, even if I have to give it to her myself.
307
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:40,560
No, that's no good, Tim. I have to
approach this with a new attitude of respect and freedom.
308
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,880
It can't be you, it has to be a man.
309
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:47,240
I mean, another man to dance with,
not you.
310
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:52,480
But it still needs to be someone
that we know and trust. Yes, but the question is, who?
311
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,800
Please tell me
there's someone stood behind me.
312
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,480
I can't dance with your mother.
313
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:09,600
Oh, don't be modest. I've seen you
dancing on your own in your bedroom.
314
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,600
Right, well, that's decided, then.
315
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,200
Lee can ask Wendy to go dancing.
Do I get any say in this?
316
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:22,160
What's your problem? All we want
you to do is give my mum a dance. It can be a really quick one.
317
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,600
Please stop!
318
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:28,880
Lee, this could solve everything.
Mum could see that Dad's loosening control
319
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:34,480
and you get your room back
without being thrown out. Why are you being so selfish? Fine!
320
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,920
You want me to dance with your
mother, I'll dance with your mother.
321
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,240
In fact,
I'll foxtrot her brains out.
322
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,680
Why do I have to wear your suit?
I look like an idiot.
323
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,840
Don't be silly,
you look like James Bond.
324
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:56,560
The name's Head, Knobhead.
325
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,000
It's important you look the part.
326
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,600
Oh, I look a part, all right.
327
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,840
The part that's being squeezed
to death in these trousers.
328
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:09,800
Whoever called it ballroom dancing
obviously wasn't wearing these kecks.
329
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,400
Please make an effort.
I know it's not your thing,
330
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:17,000
but if she wants to show you
something, just do it - all the different moves and positions.
331
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:23,600
And here...take my car. I want you
to drive her home in style.
332
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:27,880
Just don't leave a mess
on the back seat. What?
333
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,080
I know what you're like
for chucking empty wrappers.
334
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:32,560
What kind of wrappers?
335
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,800
Mars Bars?
336
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:37,880
Right.
337
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,600
Right, we'll leave to you
carry on getting ready.
338
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,760
Are you sure about this?
It's not too late to call this off.
339
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,160
What do I know about
ballroom dancing? What will we say?
340
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:51,920
Throw in a few key words -
that'll keep Wendy happy. Do you know Ginger Rogers?
341
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,960
To be honest, I didn't even know
Wendy was ginger. What?
342
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:57,960
Nothing.
343
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,320
You look nice. How are you feeling?
344
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:07,800
Not very nice.
I know you're nervous.
345
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,680
Think of it as a date.
Ooh, let's not.
346
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:14,680
Lucy, this is stupid. I can't
even dance. Oh, it'll be fine.
347
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:19,120
You know what Mum's like. She
loves teaching people new things. It empowers her.
348
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:23,720
With Dad, she's always having to
be submissive, but this will give her a chance to be on top.
349
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,280
I am trapped in a Carry On film
nightmare and I can't wake up.
350
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,080
Come on, it's easy, I'll show you.
351
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,920
What are you doing?
352
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,720
I'm going to teach you
a thing or two, then you can work your magic on my mum.
353
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:38,040
Right, first things first -
a man leads.
354
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,840
I've got a dog lead -
can we improvise?
355
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,920
That's a funny image - you on
all fours with my mum rubbing...
356
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,760
Can we just get on with it, please?
Ready?
357
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:51,240
MUSIC PLAYS
358
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,200
See? It's easy.
It's like riding a bike.
359
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,080
I fell off a bike when I was a kid
and broke both me legs.
360
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,760
I doubt tonight will result
in two broken legs.
361
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:02,800
Mmm, famous last words.
362
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:06,720
And don't forget, it's what you do
after the dance that really counts.
363
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,280
How do you mean?
364
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,120
You've got to dip her.
365
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:13,000
What?
366
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,160
Catch.
367
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,280
Wow! That's great!
368
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:21,200
Who knows, when you finish with Mum,
I might even let you dance with me.
369
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,120
Sorry.
370
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,360
MUSIC PLAYS
371
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,760
Ooh, how lovely, shampoo!
372
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,080
Well, you're worth it.
373
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,320
I hope you're not
trying to get me drunk.
374
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,040
No, I'm not.
375
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,600
To be honest,
I'm already slightly merry.
376
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,560
I had a bit more of that Thunderbird
before I came out.
377
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:53,600
It's a naughty little thing,
isn't it?
378
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,720
Yes, very naughty.
379
00:24:55,720 --> 00:25:00,040
I'll have to punish it later
by using it to unblock the toilet again.
380
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,720
MUSIC STOPS, APPLAUSE
381
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,720
Are you ready to lose your virginity?
382
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:08,800
Well, I... What?
383
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,640
You'll have to excuse me,
I've got two left feet.
384
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,920
That's ones mine, the other
belongs to Daniel Day-Lewis.
385
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:24,440
Ssh!
386
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,040
Just go with the flow.
387
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:31,160
It's difficult to get any sort
of flow going in these trousers. We don't want that, do we?
388
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,560
Shall I tell you a little secret?
389
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:40,120
Oh, my head's all full of
little secrets. I don't think it could handle another.
390
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:43,040
The trick is not to wear underwear.
391
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:45,560
It frees you up.
392
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:48,080
I'm not wearing any knickers.
393
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,320
Oh, for the love of God!
394
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,840
How's your dip?
395
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,080
Not great,
but I'm willing to give it a try.
396
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,400
Well, I'm certainly up for it,
if you are.
397
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,640
That was fantastic!
398
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:10,440
I think you're ready to move up to
the next level, don't you?
399
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,120
APPLAUSE
400
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,680
Geoffrey, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, Wendy.
401
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:24,960
I thought I could stand by and
watch another man dance with you, but I can't. Come on, darling.
402
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:26,960
I've got some making-up to do.
403
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,320
Geoffrey, that was amazing.
404
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,680
Trust me, it doesn't end there.
405
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,760
Let's get you home, young lady.
406
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,360
I reckon you're in there, son.
407
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:10,560
You know she's not wearing
any knickers?
408
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,240
Well, at least it looks like Mum
and Dad are going to be fine now.
409
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,400
Well done. That's all right.
410
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:32,040
I was much happier taking one
for the team than giving one.
411
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:33,440
What?
412
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,280
Nothing.
413
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:40,480
You know, Mum wanted to thank you
herself, but she's a bit tied up. Ooh, go, Geoffrey.
414
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,200
Thanks, Lee.
415
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:47,960
Mum said you were making
some pretty fancy moves on that dance floor. Did she?
416
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:53,160
Maybe you could show me a few moves
when you're feeling better. I wouldn't mind seeing you in action.
417
00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:56,640
I've heard you've got
a pretty impressive mambo. You know what?
418
00:27:56,640 --> 00:28:01,360
I've had enough of all
this innuendo. It causes too much confusion and pain.
419
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:03,920
Why don't we just have
sexual intercourse?
420
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:06,760
Cheeky. Ooh!
421
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:10,840
Yeah, not going out
422
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,640
Not staying in
423
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:16,240
Just hanging around with
my head in a spin
424
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,960
But there is no need
to scream and shout
425
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,760
We're not going out
426
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,840
We are not going out.
427
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:28,000
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
428
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:29,720
www.addic7ed.com
429
00:28:29,770 --> 00:28:34,320
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