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1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,799
Yeah, not going out
2
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:07,679
Not staying in
3
00:00:07,707 --> 00:00:10,226
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
4
00:00:10,263 --> 00:00:13,862
But that is no need to
scream and shout
5
00:00:13,915 --> 00:00:16,834
We're not going out
6
00:00:16,876 --> 00:00:19,876
We are not going out.
7
00:00:25,803 --> 00:00:28,762
Don't come in!
Come back in 20 minutes.
8
00:00:28,805 --> 00:00:30,844
Oh God, please say he's not.
9
00:00:30,875 --> 00:00:33,714
That'll teach me to come
home when Loose Women's on.
10
00:00:33,756 --> 00:00:36,755
Lee, I don't exactly know
what you're doing in there,
11
00:00:36,799 --> 00:00:40,278
but this is my flat and I'm coming
through the door in three seconds.
12
00:00:40,329 --> 00:00:42,329
Two, one.
13
00:00:46,090 --> 00:00:48,889
Do you know, I'd rather have caught
you masturbating.
14
00:00:48,930 --> 00:00:51,209
Why don't you go out
and come back in again?
15
00:00:51,243 --> 00:00:52,882
What are you doing?
16
00:00:52,907 --> 00:00:56,667
The toaster's broken. How else
am I supposed to make crumpets?
17
00:00:57,776 --> 00:01:01,135
There are rules to
lodging in my flat.
18
00:01:01,184 --> 00:01:03,023
They don't say "no barbecues".
19
00:01:03,050 --> 00:01:06,049
They don't say "no dog fighting"
but I don't expect that either.
20
00:01:06,093 --> 00:01:08,693
That's fine. I can cancel that.
21
00:01:09,745 --> 00:01:14,824
Hello? I know this might sound
a little weird, but how would you like to be a movie star?
22
00:01:14,898 --> 00:01:16,737
Sorry, are you talking to me or him?
23
00:01:16,765 --> 00:01:19,765
Neither, actually.
I was talking to the apartment.
24
00:01:21,633 --> 00:01:23,912
You'll have to excuse
him, he's a bit lofty.
25
00:01:23,946 --> 00:01:28,425
I'm Mike. I'm shooting a movie
in the apartment downstairs.
26
00:01:28,491 --> 00:01:32,450
We almost had everything
in the can and then this goddamn water pipe burst.
27
00:01:32,507 --> 00:01:39,586
The place is flooded, we can't use
it. I need a place exactly the same for one day for £500.
28
00:01:39,689 --> 00:01:41,568
Deal.
29
00:01:41,596 --> 00:01:43,636
What have we just been talking about?
30
00:01:44,761 --> 00:01:46,561
Masturba... No!
31
00:01:47,723 --> 00:01:51,642
Sweetheart, at the risk of sounding
like Noel Edmonds, deal or no deal?
32
00:01:51,699 --> 00:01:55,578
Thank God for that, I thought
you were going to call her Blobby.
33
00:01:55,635 --> 00:01:59,754
No deal. No offence, I'm just a bit
particular about what goes on in this flat.
34
00:01:59,814 --> 00:02:02,413
No offence, but you're
having a barbecue.
35
00:02:02,451 --> 00:02:07,130
Which Lee is about to take
downstairs and dispose of before I cook him a sausage.
36
00:02:07,199 --> 00:02:09,239
We haven't got any sa... I get it!
37
00:02:15,638 --> 00:02:17,797
Crumpet?
38
00:02:17,829 --> 00:02:21,228
You'll have to excuse my lodger, she
gets a bit fussy about these things.
39
00:02:21,278 --> 00:02:23,837
So you own this place? Absolutely.
40
00:02:23,875 --> 00:02:27,435
And when it comes to making the
decisions, I wear the trousers.
41
00:02:28,541 --> 00:02:33,220
They're still trousers, count
the legs! Anyway, the point is, I'm willing to negotiate.
42
00:02:33,288 --> 00:02:39,687
Negotiate? I'm thinking a man
who's willing to pay £500 is probably willing to pay £1,000.
43
00:02:39,780 --> 00:02:45,459
And I'm thinking a guy that has
indoor barbecues in his pyjamas is willing to accept £100.
44
00:02:45,542 --> 00:02:48,701
The offer is £500.
45
00:02:48,747 --> 00:02:50,587
£950?
46
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:53,520
£80.
47
00:02:58,282 --> 00:03:00,641
£500. Deal.
48
00:03:00,676 --> 00:03:03,755
I'll see you
tomorrow morning at 8.00.
49
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:08,999
8.00? My land...lodger doesn't
leave till much later than that, and she'd only be in the way.
50
00:03:09,075 --> 00:03:10,554
Why don't we say 9.00am?
51
00:03:10,576 --> 00:03:11,856
How about 7.30?
52
00:03:13,132 --> 00:03:14,692
I'll see you at 8.00am.
53
00:03:19,421 --> 00:03:24,900
Tim, I think you're making
a big mistake. Why would you want to pack your job in?
54
00:03:24,980 --> 00:03:28,059
Because I want to do something
more exciting, more dangerous.
55
00:03:28,104 --> 00:03:31,623
Something that makes you wonder
whether you'll be alive at the end of the day
56
00:03:31,675 --> 00:03:34,914
and when you are, you know you've
stared at death and laughed in his face.
57
00:03:34,961 --> 00:03:38,321
And is accountancy
not doing that for you?
58
00:03:39,952 --> 00:03:42,351
What are you two talking about?
I'm looking for a new job.
59
00:03:42,387 --> 00:03:47,666
Why, have you been caught stealing
Blu-tak from the stationery cupboard? That was a one-off.
60
00:03:47,742 --> 00:03:52,461
Why can't society forget and
allow a man to rebuild his life?
61
00:03:52,530 --> 00:03:56,409
If you must know, I'm thinking
of moving on to something new. Paperclips?
62
00:03:56,466 --> 00:04:00,745
What's brought this on? I thought
you liked your job. It's OK, I suppose.
63
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:04,646
But a senior accounts co-ordinator
with a mid-level brokerage firm
64
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:09,022
is not exactly what I dreamt about
when I was a kid. Yes, it was.
65
00:04:09,085 --> 00:04:13,044
OK, yes, it was, but it turned
out to be a whole lot less of a thrill than I hoped.
66
00:04:13,101 --> 00:04:17,180
What did you want to do when
you were a kid, Lee? Nothing.
67
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,440
Well, that's nice, we
both got what we wanted.
68
00:04:21,216 --> 00:04:26,975
Well, I think you should stick
with it. It's a well-paid and secure position.
69
00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:30,018
HE MOUTHS
70
00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:31,142
SHE MOUTHS
71
00:04:32,415 --> 00:04:34,174
Right, I'm going to go.
72
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:35,920
Where?
73
00:04:39,718 --> 00:04:41,678
Milk a cow.
74
00:04:45,237 --> 00:04:48,836
Pick up my car...
75
00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:50,608
from the dairy.
76
00:04:55,218 --> 00:04:58,537
You see, the thing about my job
is this. I don't give a monkeys.
77
00:04:58,586 --> 00:05:01,225
I just needed her gone because
I need to ask you a favour.
78
00:05:01,263 --> 00:05:05,662
The thing is, I need you to offer
to give Lucy a lift tomorrow morning
79
00:05:05,727 --> 00:05:08,926
very early to work because I
need her out of the flat. Why?
80
00:05:08,973 --> 00:05:10,772
OK, I'll come straight out with it.
81
00:05:10,798 --> 00:05:12,437
Honesty's the best policy.
82
00:05:12,462 --> 00:05:15,141
I'm having the carpet cleaned.
83
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:18,300
I spilt some red wine, I've hidden
the stain under the sofa
84
00:05:18,345 --> 00:05:21,584
and I want to get it sorted out
before she finds it.
85
00:05:21,632 --> 00:05:24,431
OK, fine. Great.
86
00:05:24,472 --> 00:05:28,151
But why am I left with this horrible
feeling that you're up to something?
87
00:05:28,205 --> 00:05:32,205
Hand on heart, Tim, all
I'm trying to do is clean up.
88
00:05:41,026 --> 00:05:42,305
Morning.
89
00:05:42,325 --> 00:05:43,404
Morning.
90
00:05:43,420 --> 00:05:45,539
Tim's downstairs.
91
00:05:45,571 --> 00:05:47,530
You trying to get rid of me?
92
00:05:47,559 --> 00:05:48,678
No.
93
00:05:48,695 --> 00:05:52,294
So, Friday night, I'm guessing
you'll be back late, drinks and all that?
94
00:05:52,347 --> 00:05:57,427
Actually, I was thinking of coming
straight home. Thought I might see a film. Yeah, you might.
95
00:05:59,244 --> 00:06:02,003
I just bought that new Sex
And The City DVD if you fancy it.
96
00:06:02,044 --> 00:06:04,163
Already seen it. Any good?
97
00:06:04,195 --> 00:06:06,675
Bit too much city for my liking.
98
00:06:07,725 --> 00:06:10,364
So what time roughly?
99
00:06:10,402 --> 00:06:12,881
Oh, I don't know. Half-eight. Great.
100
00:06:12,918 --> 00:06:16,117
I'll see you then. Or earlier.
101
00:06:16,164 --> 00:06:17,763
I might pop back for lunch.
102
00:06:17,787 --> 00:06:21,866
Oh, don't do that. Why don't you go
to that place I took you for lunch?
103
00:06:21,926 --> 00:06:26,485
You know, with the nice sandwiches
and the scented candles. Boots?
104
00:06:26,551 --> 00:06:31,310
Yeah. Anyway, you won't be able to
pop back because you won't have your car cos Tim's taking you.
105
00:06:31,380 --> 00:06:32,420
Oh yeah.
106
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:37,966
Why am I smelling a rat?
107
00:06:37,993 --> 00:06:39,913
Have you tried Listerine?
108
00:06:51,018 --> 00:06:53,458
So, have you ever met Al Pacino?
109
00:06:54,507 --> 00:06:55,586
No.
110
00:06:55,603 --> 00:06:58,002
I met his brother once.
111
00:06:58,037 --> 00:06:59,796
Did you? Yeah.
112
00:06:59,822 --> 00:07:01,901
Cappuccino!
113
00:07:01,932 --> 00:07:04,611
He wasn't my cup of tea.
114
00:07:04,651 --> 00:07:07,610
OK, you guys, positions.
115
00:07:07,653 --> 00:07:10,132
We're almost ready for a take.
116
00:07:10,169 --> 00:07:14,088
Right, mate, you promise you'll be
out of here 8.30 tonight at the latest?
117
00:07:14,145 --> 00:07:19,984
Well, if you go and leave us to it,
I guess we can get wrapped by five.
118
00:07:20,069 --> 00:07:25,028
8.30'll be fine.
All right, just like rehearsals.
119
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:31,099
I want the dialogue by the window,
then you come down here, hit your mark, right in front of the camera,
120
00:07:31,186 --> 00:07:35,786
sit down on that coffee table,
and that, sweetheart, is when you give him the blow job.
121
00:07:42,344 --> 00:07:43,383
You happy?
122
00:07:43,399 --> 00:07:45,038
Ron? Jane?
123
00:07:45,063 --> 00:07:47,143
What time's Freddie getting here?
124
00:07:48,390 --> 00:07:50,789
Rolling.
125
00:07:50,824 --> 00:07:53,383
And...action!
126
00:07:53,421 --> 00:07:56,820
How the hell are we going to break
into this bank without a weapon?
127
00:07:56,870 --> 00:07:58,949
I just can't get my head around it.
128
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:05,099
Don't worry, baby, I've got something
else you can get your head round.
129
00:08:05,188 --> 00:08:08,867
And trust me, this weapon
is always cocked and loaded.
130
00:08:08,921 --> 00:08:15,400
Oh, if it's the weapon I think
you mean, I think it's ready to be slipped into its holster!
131
00:08:15,494 --> 00:08:17,334
This is a porn film!
132
00:08:20,484 --> 00:08:22,443
What the hell was that?
133
00:08:22,473 --> 00:08:25,873
Audio descriptive
service for the blind.
134
00:08:27,017 --> 00:08:30,016
The people that come to see
my movies aren't blind, buddy.
135
00:08:30,060 --> 00:08:32,059
Not to begin with, maybe.
136
00:08:32,089 --> 00:08:37,088
This is a legitimate piece of
cinema. It's a...a crime thriller.
137
00:08:37,161 --> 00:08:41,280
Oh, which one's Miss Marple and
which one's Hetty Wainthropp?
138
00:08:41,340 --> 00:08:43,859
All right, it's an erotic thriller.
139
00:08:43,896 --> 00:08:47,095
But it's still a credible
piece of movie-making.
140
00:08:47,142 --> 00:08:50,141
It asks profound questions
about the human condition
141
00:08:50,185 --> 00:08:53,064
and its ability to cope with
complex emotional issues.
142
00:08:53,106 --> 00:08:56,106
What's it called? Sluts in Heat 2.
143
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:01,344
Get out of the flat. What?
144
00:09:01,384 --> 00:09:04,023
Get out of the flat.
145
00:09:04,061 --> 00:09:05,740
You signed a contract.
146
00:09:05,766 --> 00:09:11,965
If you fail to provide a location,
then you are liable for the personal cost of £5,000.
147
00:09:12,055 --> 00:09:15,294
And if Lucy finds out I've been
using her flat to make porn films,
148
00:09:15,341 --> 00:09:17,620
I'm liable for
the personal cost of my nads.
149
00:09:17,654 --> 00:09:19,373
Her flat?
150
00:09:19,399 --> 00:09:21,278
You told me it was your flat.
151
00:09:21,306 --> 00:09:22,746
Go on, get out.
152
00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:25,829
No.
153
00:09:25,850 --> 00:09:28,809
What? We're not leaving
till we make our movie.
154
00:09:28,853 --> 00:09:33,653
Well, you can't make your movie
with a broken mic, can you?
155
00:09:35,385 --> 00:09:36,864
I'll scream!
156
00:09:36,886 --> 00:09:38,965
All right, maybe we should leave.
157
00:09:38,996 --> 00:09:43,195
And as soon as I sue your ass,
this Lucy's going to find out we were here. She might not.
158
00:09:43,257 --> 00:09:45,816
She will when I slip something
through her letterbox.
159
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:48,893
Oh, you lot just never
switch off, do you?
160
00:09:50,398 --> 00:09:56,757
Of course, if you just leave us
to it, you get your money, we get our movie, everybody's happy.
161
00:09:56,849 --> 00:10:00,328
What do you say? Looks like I
haven't got a choice, doesn't it? Right!
162
00:10:00,379 --> 00:10:02,938
We're doing it again. Positions.
163
00:10:02,976 --> 00:10:05,495
Missionary, doggy style, piledriver.
164
00:10:05,532 --> 00:10:08,091
Oh sorry, I thought
we were brainstorming.
165
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:11,208
Don't we have a slight problem here?
He's broken the boom?
166
00:10:11,253 --> 00:10:13,733
I wouldn't worry about that.
I got an idea.
167
00:10:19,003 --> 00:10:20,362
Action.
168
00:10:20,382 --> 00:10:22,021
What if the cops come after us?
169
00:10:22,046 --> 00:10:24,485
Relax, it's London.
170
00:10:24,521 --> 00:10:29,280
All they have
is truncheons, and, trust me, my truncheon can top any guy.
171
00:10:29,349 --> 00:10:33,668
Oh, yeah? What's so special
about your truncheon, honey pie?
172
00:10:33,731 --> 00:10:38,690
Let's just say you won't be
in any doubt when you've been banged by this little baby.
173
00:10:38,762 --> 00:10:44,161
Oh, well, maybe you should
prove to me just how big it is.
174
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,999
Trust me, when you see this
thing, you'll know it's huge.
175
00:10:48,054 --> 00:10:51,334
I've been told by some
it's unnaturally big. Cut!
176
00:10:53,532 --> 00:10:55,331
What the hell are you doing?!
177
00:10:55,357 --> 00:10:57,756
I'm doing my best is what I'm doing.
178
00:10:57,792 --> 00:11:00,592
I feel like a midget
working in a car wash.
179
00:11:02,499 --> 00:11:05,218
A midget working in a car wash?
180
00:11:05,258 --> 00:11:08,417
That's a good scenario.
181
00:11:08,463 --> 00:11:10,542
Make a note of that.
182
00:11:10,573 --> 00:11:14,092
All right, let's change
positions and see if that helps.
183
00:11:14,143 --> 00:11:18,062
In fact, let's just skip to
the scene where you just start whipping his ass.
184
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:21,839
OK, Rod, put on your dog collar
and get on all fours.
185
00:11:21,893 --> 00:11:25,412
Sorry, was that you or did
Orson Welles just turn up?
186
00:11:25,464 --> 00:11:29,344
You see, Rod, those four years
at RADA weren't wasted. You finally got the lead.
187
00:11:31,104 --> 00:11:33,943
OK, rolling and...
188
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:35,023
action.
189
00:11:35,039 --> 00:11:39,598
Ooh, you naughty, naughty, filthy,
dirty dog.
190
00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:41,464
What is that smell?
191
00:11:41,491 --> 00:11:43,570
It's not a BAFTA, that's for sure.
192
00:11:43,601 --> 00:11:50,280
You're all covered in mud. Now I'm
going to have to sponge you down.
193
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:56,896
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
194
00:11:56,990 --> 00:11:59,310
Look at the mess on my carpet!
195
00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:05,590
That's a novel way of
getting rid of wine stains!
196
00:12:15,979 --> 00:12:17,818
Tim, will you just calm down?
197
00:12:17,846 --> 00:12:21,885
I'm sorry that I lied to you,
but they were just going to have a bit of a cuddle.
198
00:12:21,944 --> 00:12:25,823
Oh yeah, was he going to roll
over and have his tummy tickled?
199
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,079
I've played Pictionary on that rug.
200
00:12:29,977 --> 00:12:32,616
And now you're allowing
two strangers to film...
201
00:12:32,655 --> 00:12:35,214
rumpy-pumpy on it?!
202
00:12:35,252 --> 00:12:39,611
OK, I'll be honest, there's
a little bit of adult content, but that's Hollywood.
203
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:45,354
All the big stars have to do
sex scenes. Mickey Rourke, Glenn Close, Sharon Stone.
204
00:12:45,436 --> 00:12:47,555
Why should it be any
different for...
205
00:12:47,587 --> 00:12:50,146
Rod Hardpole and...
206
00:12:50,183 --> 00:12:51,543
Janey Flangelove?
207
00:12:54,728 --> 00:12:57,728
Look, it's a legitimate film.
Oh, is that right?
208
00:12:58,785 --> 00:13:03,545
Do you really think John Nettles
would appear in a dirty movie?
209
00:13:05,439 --> 00:13:07,318
John Nettles?
210
00:13:07,346 --> 00:13:09,625
THE John Nettles? Yep.
211
00:13:09,659 --> 00:13:13,738
John "keeper of law and order on
the otherwise dangerous island of Jersey,
212
00:13:13,798 --> 00:13:17,997
"to say nothing of his
crime-fighting abilities in Midsomer Murders" Nettles?
213
00:13:18,058 --> 00:13:21,457
That is he. Is he coming here?
214
00:13:21,507 --> 00:13:23,906
No, he's in LA,
doing all the action bits.
215
00:13:23,941 --> 00:13:28,060
These lot are the baddies,
a bunch of degenerate, sex-obsessed bank robbers.
216
00:13:28,121 --> 00:13:31,321
Not for much longer. Wait till
Bergerac catches up with you!
217
00:13:33,436 --> 00:13:36,755
But Lucy still needs to be told
what's going on. No, she doesn't.
218
00:13:36,804 --> 00:13:41,283
You know what Lucy's like.
She'll worry, stop us filming and miss out on all that money.
219
00:13:41,348 --> 00:13:45,187
So you're giving her the money,
are you? Of course. I've got some scruples, Tim.
220
00:13:45,243 --> 00:13:46,442
How much is it?
221
00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:48,380
£200.
222
00:13:49,666 --> 00:13:51,985
OK, I'll keep quiet.
223
00:13:52,019 --> 00:13:54,898
Thanks, Tim. On one condition...
224
00:13:54,940 --> 00:13:57,140
you get me a walk-on part
in the film.
225
00:14:00,986 --> 00:14:03,985
What? You heard.
226
00:14:04,029 --> 00:14:07,668
I'm looking for a more exciting
career path. Maybe this is fate.
227
00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:09,721
It only has to be a tiny little part.
228
00:14:12,144 --> 00:14:15,183
I have no doubt that it would be.
229
00:14:15,228 --> 00:14:19,147
Tim, I can't get you a part in
this film and you are not an actor.
230
00:14:19,204 --> 00:14:21,763
OK, no problem.
231
00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:26,880
I'll just drift off home anyway
and don't worry, I won't say a word to Lucy. Really?
232
00:14:26,954 --> 00:14:30,154
See, you believed that
bit of acting, didn't you?
233
00:14:34,379 --> 00:14:36,498
Trust me, we've got no choice.
234
00:14:36,529 --> 00:14:39,128
If Tim goes running to
Lucy, everyone's screwed.
235
00:14:39,167 --> 00:14:41,646
Or, more to the point, no-one is.
236
00:14:41,682 --> 00:14:43,721
Lucy will throw us
both out of the flat.
237
00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:48,991
You'll have nowhere to film
Sluts In Heat 2, I'll have nowhere to watch Sluts In Heat 1.
238
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:53,746
Just give him a tiny little walk-on
part and nothing that involves any bad language or nudity.
239
00:14:53,814 --> 00:14:58,213
Jesus Christ! If you've got the
false beard, that would be perfect.
240
00:14:58,277 --> 00:15:02,156
I guess he could stand in for Rod,
right up till the sex scene,
241
00:15:02,213 --> 00:15:04,012
you know, as the pizza guy.
242
00:15:04,039 --> 00:15:06,438
Won't the audience spot
it's a different person?
243
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:09,152
We won't see his face,
just his helmet.
244
00:15:09,192 --> 00:15:13,991
There is no way Tim is
going to allow you to... His motorbike helmet! Perfect.
245
00:15:14,061 --> 00:15:18,421
Rod, give that dopey guy your pizza
outfit, then put your gimp suit on.
246
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:28,297
For the last time, it doesn't really
matter what your motivation is.
247
00:15:28,384 --> 00:15:31,943
Yeah, I know, but I was thinking,
and it's just a suggestion,
248
00:15:31,995 --> 00:15:34,954
perhaps I'm from an Italian family
and I've taken this job
249
00:15:34,997 --> 00:15:37,156
to please my father. But actually,
250
00:15:37,188 --> 00:15:41,027
I'm saving the tips to finance my
real dream of studying tropical medicine.
251
00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:43,722
Great. That'll really lift it.
252
00:15:43,761 --> 00:15:45,400
What's my line again?
253
00:15:45,425 --> 00:15:46,945
"Who ordered pizza?"
254
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:51,300
Sorry to go on. I do have
a reputation for being anal.
255
00:15:51,349 --> 00:15:53,188
I'd keep that to yourself today!
256
00:15:53,215 --> 00:15:55,335
Positions!
257
00:15:59,180 --> 00:16:00,820
You forgot this.
258
00:16:03,602 --> 00:16:05,881
Hang on, there's no pizza inside.
259
00:16:05,915 --> 00:16:08,594
And why is there's a hole
cut into the bottom?
260
00:16:08,633 --> 00:16:12,193
So that just before we open the
box you can slip your penis through.
261
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:17,855
Isn't that a little unhygienic?
262
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:21,741
Janey, get ready for your scene.
263
00:16:26,081 --> 00:16:28,201
This is definitely not Bergerac!
264
00:16:36,468 --> 00:16:37,588
This is a porn film!
265
00:16:40,079 --> 00:16:45,278
OK, before you barge in there,
stop this film and throw Lee out of the window,
266
00:16:45,353 --> 00:16:49,352
just remember, he's your best friend,
and things could always be worse.
267
00:16:49,411 --> 00:16:52,051
Hi, darling. See?
268
00:16:53,996 --> 00:16:59,035
I've been looking every where for
you. Why are you dressed like that?
269
00:16:59,108 --> 00:17:03,987
It's my new job. I told you I
was looking for a new career path.
270
00:17:04,058 --> 00:17:05,977
Tim, you're a qualified accountant!
271
00:17:06,006 --> 00:17:10,325
Yeah, but it's actually always been
a secret dream of mine
272
00:17:10,388 --> 00:17:11,587
to work for the...
273
00:17:11,605 --> 00:17:15,484
Hot and Meaty Sausage Company.
274
00:17:15,541 --> 00:17:17,660
But you can't ride a motorbike.
275
00:17:17,691 --> 00:17:21,370
I'm doing it on foot.
So why are you wearing a helmet?
276
00:17:21,424 --> 00:17:24,223
I know, it's health
and safety gone mad.
277
00:17:24,264 --> 00:17:26,463
And why are you delivering to Lee?
278
00:17:26,496 --> 00:17:30,615
Well, he ordered the first one,
you know, to help get me started.
279
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,354
This was all his idea, wasn't it?
280
00:17:32,379 --> 00:17:35,298
I knew I shouldn't have left
him to talk to you in the pub.
281
00:17:35,341 --> 00:17:37,260
I think I need to
have a word with Lee.
282
00:17:37,289 --> 00:17:38,329
KNOCKS AT DOOR
283
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:49,790
Right, Lee, what's all this
business about you encouraging Tim to resign from his job?
284
00:17:52,220 --> 00:17:58,099
Well, don't just stand there all
innocent, like butter wouldn't melt.
285
00:17:58,185 --> 00:18:01,504
This pizza's cold.
I'll go and get you another one.
286
00:18:01,552 --> 00:18:04,552
Do you want to give me a
hand delivering these pizzas?
287
00:18:08,978 --> 00:18:11,497
He's not coming back, is he?
288
00:18:11,534 --> 00:18:16,173
We're going back to Plan A. Rod,
you're the pizza delivery guy again.
289
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,679
How can I be pizza guy when that
loser's run off with my costume?
290
00:18:19,730 --> 00:18:24,089
When do you ever see a guy on
a motorbike dressed like this?!
291
00:18:24,152 --> 00:18:26,351
"Gimp My Ride"?
292
00:18:26,384 --> 00:18:29,103
Tim won't let us down.
293
00:18:29,143 --> 00:18:32,823
Trust me. He's going to come walking
through that door any minute now.
294
00:18:35,189 --> 00:18:39,988
And look on the bright side, if he's
late, at least you get a pound off.
295
00:18:40,058 --> 00:18:41,697
Hello.
296
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:45,241
Strange question, have you got
any pizzas you'd like me to deliver?
297
00:18:47,686 --> 00:18:51,286
I don't want payment,
I just like delivering pizzas.
298
00:18:53,123 --> 00:18:55,483
12 ham and pineapple, please.
299
00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:05,769
I've just thought of something.
That outfit that Lee was wearing.
300
00:19:05,823 --> 00:19:09,902
Outfit? In the flat just now,
the leather swimming trunks.
301
00:19:09,961 --> 00:19:12,520
Oh yes, those.
302
00:19:12,558 --> 00:19:16,637
Lee's, um, learning to swim
but he's quite scared of the water,
303
00:19:16,696 --> 00:19:22,695
so he's getting used to wearing
the trunks around the flat first. What about the rubber gimp mask?
304
00:19:22,783 --> 00:19:27,663
Yes, well, there's a very simple
explanation for that too. Which is?
305
00:19:31,019 --> 00:19:33,058
Lee's a sexual deviant.
306
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:35,368
Oh, right.
307
00:19:35,401 --> 00:19:39,760
I would've told you before but
he's a bit embarrassed about it. There's no need to be.
308
00:19:39,824 --> 00:19:41,864
I didn't learn to swim
till I was 22!
309
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,719
OK, you're right.
He's not coming back, is he?
310
00:19:48,750 --> 00:19:52,749
You're going to have to do
something else and quickly. Right. To hell with this.
311
00:19:52,808 --> 00:19:56,807
Forget the pizza scene. Rod,
take Jane into the kitchen and bang her over the sink.
312
00:19:56,865 --> 00:20:01,825
Great. There's a couple of pans
that need scouring, if you could work that into it.
313
00:20:03,195 --> 00:20:04,234
Oi, come on.
314
00:20:04,250 --> 00:20:07,729
Yeah, I'm going to need a
few minutes to, you know...
315
00:20:07,780 --> 00:20:10,459
What, you mean little Jimmy Krankie?
316
00:20:10,498 --> 00:20:12,817
Yes. How long's that going to take?
317
00:20:12,852 --> 00:20:16,531
God knows. We haven't got time for
this, mate.
318
00:20:16,585 --> 00:20:19,664
Look, Jane's ready.
She's a real old pro.
319
00:20:19,709 --> 00:20:21,428
No offence, love.
320
00:20:21,453 --> 00:20:24,372
I bet you think
my job's real easy, huh?
321
00:20:24,415 --> 00:20:28,334
I bet you look at her and
you think, "piece of cake"?
322
00:20:28,392 --> 00:20:30,271
I don't think "piece of cake".
323
00:20:30,299 --> 00:20:32,219
What do you think?
324
00:20:33,585 --> 00:20:34,785
Baps.
325
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,439
Well, it's not and
that's why I need time.
326
00:20:40,483 --> 00:20:42,082
We haven't got time, mate!
327
00:20:42,106 --> 00:20:47,225
So if you don't get in there now,
I will personally come over there and fluff you up myself!
328
00:20:47,299 --> 00:20:48,979
Bring it on.
329
00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:55,225
Get off me, you lunatic!
330
00:20:55,252 --> 00:20:59,291
I mean it! Get it out now and
start thinking of Felicity Kendal!
331
00:20:59,350 --> 00:21:01,670
CRASHING
332
00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:07,979
That's it. No more.
333
00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:10,032
I quit. What?
334
00:21:10,062 --> 00:21:13,021
I have had it up to here.
335
00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:14,464
Oh, impressive!
336
00:21:17,041 --> 00:21:20,201
Oh, dear. Now what?
337
00:21:21,260 --> 00:21:24,939
I'll tell you what, we
finish making our movie.
338
00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:28,392
How? He's downed tools.
339
00:21:28,442 --> 00:21:32,881
Well, tool.
Actually, it was already down.
340
00:21:32,946 --> 00:21:36,665
Looks like we need a new actor now,
doesn't it? To do the pizza bit?
341
00:21:36,719 --> 00:21:38,438
To do everything.
342
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:43,743
Are you proposing
that I act in a scene with a female porn star? I wouldn't dream of it!
343
00:21:43,820 --> 00:21:46,939
All right, I would dream of it.
I have dreamt of it,
344
00:21:46,985 --> 00:21:49,584
but that's not the point. No chance.
345
00:21:49,622 --> 00:21:55,101
You don't do it, not only will
your landlady kill you, I will too.
346
00:21:55,181 --> 00:21:59,500
I wouldn't know what to do! I've
only ever seen the first few minutes! Look, pal,
347
00:21:59,563 --> 00:22:04,562
we have a contract and
I'm not leaving this apartment till I make my porno film.
348
00:22:04,635 --> 00:22:06,674
You said it was an erotic thriller.
349
00:22:06,704 --> 00:22:09,063
No, chum, it's a porno.
350
00:22:09,098 --> 00:22:15,497
Hard-core, X-rated filth, and you,
my friend, are my new male lead.
351
00:22:15,590 --> 00:22:17,790
Oh. My mum would be so proud!
352
00:22:23,867 --> 00:22:26,666
I didn't place an order.
I know you didn't. Speak up.
353
00:22:26,707 --> 00:22:30,226
I know you didn't place an order.
It's free. Please just take it.
354
00:22:30,278 --> 00:22:32,958
But I don't like pineapple.
Then pick them off!
355
00:22:39,366 --> 00:22:41,565
What the hell is going on?
356
00:22:41,598 --> 00:22:45,957
Tim has got a new job delivering
pizza. It was Lee's idea.
357
00:22:46,021 --> 00:22:49,460
Oh, bloody Lee, always has
to drag you down to his level.
358
00:22:49,510 --> 00:22:53,389
Oh, don't worry.
He hasn't sunk quite as low as Lee.
359
00:22:53,446 --> 00:22:56,965
Lee's become a sexual deviant.
360
00:22:57,016 --> 00:22:58,095
What?
361
00:22:58,112 --> 00:23:03,191
He's using your flat for some kind
of sado-masochistic bondage session.
362
00:23:03,265 --> 00:23:06,624
Just wait till I get my hands on
him. I'm going to strangle him!
363
00:23:06,673 --> 00:23:09,432
He'd probably enjoy that.
364
00:23:09,473 --> 00:23:12,592
I'm sorry,
Vanessa, drinks are cancelled.
365
00:23:12,637 --> 00:23:14,837
Take me home. Now.
366
00:23:16,492 --> 00:23:19,252
Oh, today just keeps
on giving, doesn't it?
367
00:23:26,068 --> 00:23:29,708
Three, two, one, action!
368
00:23:42,622 --> 00:23:45,221
This is a waste of a
perfectly good melon.
369
00:23:45,259 --> 00:23:51,298
Don't worry, you'll be using the
other half later. Start acting.
370
00:23:51,386 --> 00:23:55,305
I feel like I'm in a nightmare
version of Jim'll Fix It.
371
00:23:55,362 --> 00:23:58,082
Say the line!
372
00:23:59,136 --> 00:24:02,456
Who ordered pizza? Give it to me.
373
00:24:03,518 --> 00:24:05,357
Improvise, for Christ's sake!
374
00:24:05,384 --> 00:24:08,383
OK, I will, and
you're going to love it.
375
00:24:08,427 --> 00:24:13,106
It's 12 inches, piping hot, and
the base is thin and... Not thin.
376
00:24:13,175 --> 00:24:16,175
I mean, it's got a cheesy crust.
I'll start again.
377
00:24:20,113 --> 00:24:23,632
Who ordered pizza? Feel free
to remove your own toppings.
378
00:24:23,683 --> 00:24:26,882
Oh, well, maybe I will.
379
00:24:26,929 --> 00:24:30,168
Oh, it's so hot in here tonight.
380
00:24:30,216 --> 00:24:36,095
Yes, it is, but the good news is,
the hosepipe ban's been lifted.
381
00:24:36,180 --> 00:24:39,659
Cut! What? That was a perfectly
good bit of innuendo.
382
00:24:39,710 --> 00:24:42,190
It wasn't sexy, Lee.
Tease her a bit.
383
00:24:43,930 --> 00:24:45,690
All right, Big Ears, how's Noddy?
384
00:24:48,718 --> 00:24:51,518
Just start undressing her.
385
00:24:57,928 --> 00:24:59,687
Can you go out the room?
386
00:24:59,714 --> 00:25:02,074
I've got to film the damn thing!
387
00:25:03,162 --> 00:25:04,401
Close your eyes.
388
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:07,780
I can't close my eyes,
I'm directing. Action!
389
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:11,004
Can I close my eyes? No.
390
00:25:13,793 --> 00:25:16,632
Oh, oh...
391
00:25:16,674 --> 00:25:18,873
Well, say something.
392
00:25:18,905 --> 00:25:20,865
Sorry for staring at your tits!
393
00:25:22,314 --> 00:25:25,633
Call her a tramp. Tell her
what you're going to do to her!
394
00:25:25,681 --> 00:25:27,680
What, give her 50p for a cup of tea?
395
00:25:27,710 --> 00:25:30,869
Why would I want to
have sex with a tramp?
396
00:25:30,915 --> 00:25:35,235
Because your landlady'll
be home any moment now.
397
00:25:36,352 --> 00:25:39,071
Action! Get 'em off, sweetcheeks.
398
00:25:39,112 --> 00:25:42,551
Oh, you're so forceful.
What are you going to do to me?
399
00:25:42,601 --> 00:25:48,880
I'm going to show you a good time,
aren't I, you dirty, smelly, big-eared homeless person.
400
00:25:48,971 --> 00:25:50,290
Oh, yeah?
401
00:25:50,310 --> 00:25:54,910
Yeah. Now, get that cardie off
or you won't feel the benefit!
402
00:25:56,193 --> 00:26:02,152
Just forget the dialogue and
start making love to her now.
403
00:26:02,239 --> 00:26:04,718
I will, if it'll stop
you shouting at me!
404
00:26:04,755 --> 00:26:06,354
Where are you going?
405
00:26:06,378 --> 00:26:09,057
Put my pyjamas on, brush my teeth.
406
00:26:09,096 --> 00:26:14,015
No, let's just forget the
acting altogether and go right for the big money shot.
407
00:26:14,087 --> 00:26:17,446
Here's your big moment, Lee.
408
00:26:17,495 --> 00:26:19,534
Oh, my God.
409
00:26:19,564 --> 00:26:22,363
I've had enough. This time he's
packing his bags and leaving.
410
00:26:22,405 --> 00:26:25,124
Why don't we calm down, go for
a drink and discuss this?
411
00:26:25,164 --> 00:26:31,603
Well, let's invite Lee while we're
here, although he might need a straw if he's still got his gimp mask on.
412
00:26:31,696 --> 00:26:36,775
Not only does he treat my flat like
he owns it, he's now using the place for his depraved sex games.
413
00:26:36,849 --> 00:26:40,008
Come on, Lucy, that just shows
how irrational you're being.
414
00:26:40,054 --> 00:26:44,253
Lee is far from perfect,
but if there's one thing he isn't, it's a sexual deviant.
415
00:26:44,315 --> 00:26:46,315
< BRAYING NOISES
416
00:26:49,995 --> 00:26:51,595
Maybe he's playing Buckaroo.
417
00:27:04,643 --> 00:27:06,723
You're back early.
418
00:27:08,660 --> 00:27:11,020
Look, no barbecue.
419
00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:25,533
You said you weren't going to
be back till half past eight.
420
00:27:25,579 --> 00:27:29,818
I don't know if I'll ever
be able to trust you again.
421
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:33,199
I should throw you out right now.
422
00:27:33,248 --> 00:27:34,887
He was going to sue me.
423
00:27:34,911 --> 00:27:38,190
No, he wasn't. I asked the flat
downstairs, there was never a leak.
424
00:27:38,238 --> 00:27:40,757
She just threw them out when
she realised it was porn.
425
00:27:40,795 --> 00:27:42,714
Well, hadn't she signed a contract?
426
00:27:42,742 --> 00:27:46,101
No, Lee, she'd signed a six-month
warranty on a tumble dryer.
427
00:27:46,150 --> 00:27:50,269
The same as you if you'd
bothered to read it.
428
00:27:50,330 --> 00:27:55,089
Right. Well, look on the bright
side, I may have gone behind your back and allowed a porn film
429
00:27:55,158 --> 00:28:00,157
involving bestiality to be filmed
in your living room, but if your tumble dryer ever breaks down...
430
00:28:00,230 --> 00:28:02,909
You're only staying here on
two conditions. Which are?
431
00:28:02,948 --> 00:28:08,827
Firstly, stop treating the flat like
you own it and, secondly, get a job.
432
00:28:08,913 --> 00:28:13,112
And, as luck would have it,
I've found one for you.
433
00:28:13,173 --> 00:28:16,652
Pizza delivery boy?
You've got to be joking.
434
00:28:16,703 --> 00:28:20,982
Well, there is another option
if you want, involving sex. What?
435
00:28:21,045 --> 00:28:24,164
Take the pizza delivery job,
or you can go and get f...
436
00:28:24,209 --> 00:28:25,608
Not going out
437
00:28:25,629 --> 00:28:27,468
Not staying in
438
00:28:27,496 --> 00:28:30,135
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
439
00:28:30,174 --> 00:28:33,413
But that is no need
to scream and shout
440
00:28:33,460 --> 00:28:36,499
We're not going out
441
00:28:36,544 --> 00:28:39,344
We are not going out.
442
00:28:40,624 --> 00:28:42,663
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
443
00:28:42,664 --> 00:28:44,704
www.addic7ed.com
444
00:28:44,754 --> 00:28:49,304
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