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1
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:07,600
MUFFLED: And I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more...
2
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:10,899
I've often fantasised about Lucy
having a secret night in with a couple of twins,
3
00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:12,980
but this isn't exactly
what I had in mind.
4
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:17,740
Why leave it at just my sister?
Throw my mum into the mix as well, make it a real family affair.
5
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:23,180
In fact, why don't I join in?
And cut.
6
00:00:25,380 --> 00:00:28,180
What you doing?
7
00:00:28,180 --> 00:00:33,180
If it's a Scottish theme night,
I could blacken my teeth and shout fandabidozi.
8
00:00:33,180 --> 00:00:34,660
I have this effect on women.
9
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:38,100
So it's the same even when
they're conscious.
10
00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:40,300
Lucy...
11
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:41,820
Lucy.
12
00:00:41,820 --> 00:00:43,100
AH!
13
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:51,660
Wow. Now that is ear wax.
14
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:56,340
Never tap a shoulder without
establishing auditory contact.
15
00:00:56,340 --> 00:00:59,780
Clearly you haven't read the same
Air Force dating manuals I have.
16
00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:02,460
What's going on? I'll tell
you what's effing going on.
17
00:01:02,460 --> 00:01:05,260
I have to finish this effing
presentation for effing Tuesday,
18
00:01:05,260 --> 00:01:08,180
but the effing bloke upstairs has
been playing his effing music
19
00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:12,420
at this effing volume
for the last three effing hours.
20
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:14,980
I'm not 100%,
but I think she means f...
21
00:01:14,980 --> 00:01:16,300
♪ Not going out
22
00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:17,900
♪ Not staying in
23
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:20,780
♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
24
00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:24,180
♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout
25
00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:27,140
♪ We're not going out
26
00:01:27,140 --> 00:01:30,260
♪ We are not going out. ♪
27
00:01:32,340 --> 00:01:35,180
Sorry!
28
00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:37,220
..uck.
29
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,100
Someone should say something.
Be careful, I saw him moving
30
00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:45,740
his stuff in yesterday.
He looks a real psycho.
31
00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:49,180
Well, it sounds like he's torturing
a couple of Scottish blokes up there.
32
00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:51,420
I'm serious - he could be a
serial killer, for all we know.
33
00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:55,220
What are you talking about?
John Gacy dressed as clown to kill.
34
00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:58,820
Maybe this man works
himself up into a frenzy by listening to The Proclaimers.
35
00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:03,020
And then what -
feeds his victims a shortbread biscuit and a can of Irn-Bru?!
36
00:02:03,020 --> 00:02:06,860
Don't worry, Tim, I'm obviously
not expecting YOU to confront him.
37
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,500
Well, just so long as...
Sorry, why obviously?
38
00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:12,540
Apart from the fact you are
officially Britain's meekest man?
39
00:02:12,540 --> 00:02:16,540
It's not official, it was just
a casual poll in the office.
40
00:02:16,540 --> 00:02:20,460
Is that the same reason you
came home from school with a penis drawn on your forehead?
41
00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:22,060
It was a test-tube.
42
00:02:24,380 --> 00:02:27,340
It was drawn on
to show I was...good at science.
43
00:02:27,340 --> 00:02:29,420
Which kid made you fall for that?
44
00:02:29,420 --> 00:02:34,900
Mr Jeffries, the PE teacher. If I'm
such a wuss, you two can deal with this on your own. I'm going home.
45
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:37,420
Oi, shut up!
46
00:02:37,420 --> 00:02:41,180
Don't do that!
Tim said he looked dangerous.
47
00:02:41,180 --> 00:02:44,140
Tim thinks that anyone
north of the M25's dangerous.
48
00:02:44,140 --> 00:02:47,860
I had to hold his hand when
we went to see Cannon and Ball.
49
00:02:47,860 --> 00:02:50,340
Oh! Lucy!
50
00:02:50,340 --> 00:02:52,540
You're just as bad as Tim.
51
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:56,060
No, I'm not.
So could you pop upstairs and get the noise turned down?
52
00:02:56,060 --> 00:03:00,020
Well, normally I'd be up there
like a shot, but I'm just the lodger,
53
00:03:00,020 --> 00:03:03,420
so it puts me in a very
difficult position legally. Fine.
54
00:03:03,420 --> 00:03:07,540
I'LL go. A young woman
on her own...
55
00:03:07,540 --> 00:03:09,020
in the dead of night.
56
00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:14,700
Confronting a stranger, because the
only man of the house won't do it.
57
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:18,580
I'll make you a nice cup
of tea when you get back.
58
00:03:18,580 --> 00:03:22,980
It's like rock, paper, scissors,
isn't it? I rent, he rents - paper versus paper.
59
00:03:22,980 --> 00:03:25,140
But you own, he rents -
60
00:03:25,140 --> 00:03:27,660
scissors versus paper.
61
00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:29,420
How do you beat someone with paper?
62
00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:31,500
I don't need the full demonstration.
63
00:03:40,780 --> 00:03:42,540
♪ ..I'm on my way
64
00:03:42,540 --> 00:03:45,380
♪ From misery to happiness today... ♪
65
00:03:46,980 --> 00:03:48,660
That's a shame. No-one in.
66
00:03:48,660 --> 00:03:51,100
DOG BARKS
THEN MUSIC STOPS
67
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,460
(AGGRESSIVE MALE VOICE:)
Shut up! Shut it!
68
00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:55,820
Get in there!
69
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,940
Looks like I'm not going to
be meeting the wife, then.
70
00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:03,860
Hi.
71
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:06,700
I'm Lee from downstairs.
72
00:04:09,060 --> 00:04:11,020
Just thought
I'd pop up and say hello.
73
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,980
Hello!
74
00:04:15,260 --> 00:04:20,380
Also, I couldn't help but overhear
the music and I just wondered
75
00:04:20,380 --> 00:04:25,580
if there's any chance you might
consider turning it down a smidge.
76
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,340
Am I a naughty boy?
77
00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:38,340
Sorry?
78
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:43,220
Am I a naughty boy?
Is that what I am?
79
00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:46,300
A naughty, naughty boy.
80
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:51,540
Who needs a spanky bum-bum?
81
00:04:53,820 --> 00:04:56,180
Is that what I need?
82
00:04:56,180 --> 00:04:57,860
A naughty, naughty...
83
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:01,140
..spanky bum-bum?
84
00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:05,420
I... God, no.
85
00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:11,060
You...you don't need any...bum-bum.
86
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,220
I mean, who am I...?
87
00:05:13,220 --> 00:05:16,140
I know exactly who you are.
88
00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:18,620
You're downstairs Lee.
89
00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:20,980
I know where you live
and everything.
90
00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:23,500
I did say that, didn't I?
91
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:26,500
My mistake. I'm actually...
92
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:28,220
upstairs Tony.
93
00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:32,820
Like I say, who am I...
to tell you what to do?
94
00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:36,620
Who died and made me God?
No-one. No-one died.
95
00:05:36,620 --> 00:05:39,380
Please God, no-one die.
96
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:45,620
I come here,
interrupting your Scottish theme-based dog obedience classes.
97
00:05:47,460 --> 00:05:50,860
You play your music as loud
as you like, I'm not your mother.
98
00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:52,940
My mother's dead.
99
00:05:52,940 --> 00:05:55,140
You don't run a motel
with her, do you?
100
00:05:56,780 --> 00:05:58,860
Bye.
101
00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:06,340
Well done. Well, huh...
102
00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:09,780
I left him in no doubt about the
calibre of man he's dealing with.
103
00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:11,980
LOUD MUSIC RESUMES
104
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,500
Oh, the silly sausage -
105
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,340
he's turned the volume
knob the wrong way.
106
00:06:18,340 --> 00:06:20,500
Look, maybe he's not the
one with the problem here.
107
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:25,060
Meaning it's MY fault?
Yeah...maybe you've got noisy ears.
108
00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:28,300
Noisy ears?
It's the opposite of deaf.
109
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,260
Right, that's it.
110
00:06:30,260 --> 00:06:34,300
What are you doing?
I'm writing him a note saying exactly what I think of him.
111
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:36,340
A note? Don't write a note!
112
00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:40,900
Notes are such petty things,
little busybodies covering their fridge in Post-its.
113
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:44,580
Well, stop using your finger
to scoop out the peanut butter.
114
00:06:44,580 --> 00:06:49,540
Spoons are for girls.
Do you know how many people are killed each year by e-coli?
115
00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:52,060
1,237.
116
00:06:52,060 --> 00:06:53,660
How do you know that?
117
00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:57,980
You wrote it on a note and
stuck it on me urine sample.
118
00:06:57,980 --> 00:07:02,020
No-one in history ever
solved anything with a note. Winston Churchill used speeches.
119
00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:04,500
"We shall fight them on the beaches,
we shall never surrender."
120
00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:07,900
He didn't just leave a little
note saying, "could whoever's been doing the fascism
121
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:11,300
"please be aware that I complained
to Yvonne in Human Resources?"
122
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:15,380
Look, will you at least compromise?
Just sleep on it.
123
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,900
Where are you going?
124
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:22,340
TO BE-E-E-ED!
125
00:07:23,620 --> 00:07:27,980
Sorry, was that a bit loud? I find
it hard to tell with my noisy ears.
126
00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:39,980
Fancy a coffee?
127
00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,020
You seem like
you're in a better mood.
128
00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:44,900
Yeah, well, things seem
different in the morning.
129
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:49,300
See? I told you.
Yeah, especially now I've been upstairs and left him a note.
130
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:55,660
I'm getting another
Post-it for that, aren't I?
131
00:07:55,660 --> 00:07:58,300
You said you'd sleep on it. I did.
132
00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:01,460
I slept on it and then I did it.
That's not what sleep on it means.
133
00:08:01,460 --> 00:08:05,860
Sleep on it means sleep on it,
wake up on it, have a bit of breakfast on it, then shower,
134
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:11,500
potter round for a while and have
a nice long chat with me before doing anything about it...on it!
135
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:15,580
What did you write?
I just said, "Your music is occasionally a little loud,
136
00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:20,140
"so would you mind
turning the volume down to a slightly more acceptable level?
137
00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:22,420
"..You noisy prick." God!
138
00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:27,340
Don't worry, I didn't leave a name.
I signed it, "a disgruntled neighbour".
139
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:31,060
I'M his neighbour
and when I went around to his flat I was disgruntled!
140
00:08:31,060 --> 00:08:33,620
It's OK, he won't think it was you.
141
00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:37,060
It's not like I wrote it in
crayon and drew on a pair of tits.
142
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,220
Are you afraid he might hurt you?
143
00:08:47,220 --> 00:08:50,300
Hurt me?!
Tim, I'm afraid he might rape me.
144
00:08:54,140 --> 00:08:58,020
You didn't hear him!
"Do I need a spanky bum-bum?"
145
00:08:58,020 --> 00:09:00,540
I haven't unclenched
me cheeks for 24 hours.
146
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:04,860
You should slap the ponce.
147
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:12,580
What? Knacker the tart
up the old brass monkeys.
148
00:09:12,580 --> 00:09:14,660
Warn him not to squeal to the fuzz.
149
00:09:14,660 --> 00:09:20,220
It's street talk. What street, the
street that Chas and Dave live on?
150
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:26,820
You wouldn't talk like that to the
guys I've been hanging out with. I've started weight training.
151
00:09:26,820 --> 00:09:29,380
I wondered why you
were so red and sweaty.
152
00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:33,220
I thought someone had finally
told you how babies were made.
153
00:09:33,220 --> 00:09:36,020
I'm sick of you lot calling me
a wimp, so I've joined a gym.
154
00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:41,940
And not one of these modern ones
either - a proper boxer's gym... weights, punch bags, skipping ropes.
155
00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:45,140
I bet I can guess which
one's your favourite.
156
00:09:45,140 --> 00:09:48,820
You're a bit self-conscious
for stuff like that, aren't you? No, I'm not.
157
00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:50,580
Tim, you go swimming in a girdle.
158
00:09:52,020 --> 00:09:55,060
It's not a girdle,
it's a lumbar support.
159
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:56,940
It makes my spine stronger.
160
00:09:56,940 --> 00:10:00,580
You should get one yourself,
yellow belly. I'm not a yellow belly.
161
00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:03,660
In fact, I'm going round to
see him again now. Good for you.
162
00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:07,300
Make sure you mash him up well so
the filthy scum don't sing no more.
163
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:13,340
If you must know, I'm buying him
a house-warming present. I'm a lover, not a fighter.
164
00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:16,180
I wouldn't tell HIM that.
165
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:35,100
I was examining a mole.
166
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:38,140
I'd hate to see how you
check for testicular cancer.
167
00:10:40,380 --> 00:10:44,420
All right, I was checking if I
was making any progress on my guns.
168
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:45,980
Guns?
169
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,060
It's what we call them down the gym.
170
00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:50,340
What are those? These?
171
00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:52,580
These are
Russian AK 5mm assault rifles.
172
00:10:52,580 --> 00:10:57,260
It's what we call them down
at the flower arranging class.
173
00:10:57,260 --> 00:11:01,260
Are they for Mental Micky? Yeah.
174
00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:04,940
Are you trying to shut this
bloke up or sleep with him?
175
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:08,620
Either way, you won't be
able to walk afterwards.
176
00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:12,660
I've just been up to see
him, actually, and he didn't lay a finger on me. Really?
177
00:11:12,660 --> 00:11:17,380
Yeah...he wasn't in. The woman next
door said he wouldn't be back till very late on Sunday night.
178
00:11:17,380 --> 00:11:19,940
Probably digging a grave
to go with those flowers.
179
00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:23,420
Who are they for -
your boyfriend upstairs?
180
00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:23,620
You big wuss. No.
181
00:11:23,620 --> 00:11:26,060
They're...FROM him.
182
00:11:28,780 --> 00:11:32,580
For you. I've just been up to
see him, have a word with him.
183
00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:36,820
I said, "My flatmate Lucy's got
some important work to do this weekend, so keep the noise down."
184
00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:43,580
And what did he say?
He said, "Send my apologies to your flatmate and give her these."
185
00:11:43,580 --> 00:11:48,140
What, he'd already bought them?
Well, he upsets a lot of people, he has them ready to go.
186
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:52,260
Could have been worse, he could have
been really callous and nicked them from the scene of a traffic accident.
187
00:11:52,260 --> 00:11:55,060
That was ages ago
and it was Mother's Day.
188
00:11:57,780 --> 00:11:59,940
Well, it's a start, I suppose.
189
00:11:59,940 --> 00:12:01,740
At least I can get my work done.
190
00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:04,860
Thanks a lot,
it's really appreciated.
191
00:12:07,540 --> 00:12:11,140
Oh, look, they've gone in the bin
with the £2 book token, the giant Toblerone
192
00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:13,420
and the jumbo box of Lil-lets.
193
00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:16,660
She's difficult to buy for,
all right?
194
00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:22,980
How can you lie like that?
Listen, I did face up to him that first night,
195
00:12:22,980 --> 00:12:26,180
and if he'd been remotely normal,
he'd have turned the volume down.
196
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:30,020
That's what should've happened.
Is that lying? Saying what should've happened?
197
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:32,900
Yes. Yes, it is.
198
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:36,180
Now, if I can just get that
note back before he reads it, everything'll be fine.
199
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:40,780
And if I wake up tomorrow as
a three-foot black midget, I could remake Different Strokes.
200
00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:43,740
We can easily get it back.
201
00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:46,500
Oh, WE now, is it?
You've changed your tune.
202
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:49,180
You think you might need
these babies to help you out?
203
00:12:49,180 --> 00:12:53,900
What for? To show him what a sock
full of cottage cheese looks like?
204
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:58,260
You're just the lookout. The
lookout? I'm more than the lookout! How many lookouts can do this?
205
00:13:01,140 --> 00:13:03,780
What am I watching for, exactly?
206
00:13:03,780 --> 00:13:05,180
Give it a minute.
207
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:13,820
Some people say the nuclear
reactor is the most significant invention in human history.
208
00:13:13,820 --> 00:13:15,620
Others the internal combustion
engine.
209
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:18,420
But these people clearly haven't seen
Lee's patent-pending brush your teeth
210
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:22,940
while hanging your coat
incriminating note removal device.
211
00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:27,140
Yes, well, they laughed at
Robert Louis Stevenson when he invented the steam engine.
212
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:31,700
I'm not surprised.
George Stephenson had invented it two centuries earlier.
213
00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:37,500
Are you nervous?
I'm scared of nothing.
214
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,420
Not surprised. Look at you.
215
00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:42,620
You're gonna live for ever,
you're gonna learn how to fly.
216
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:46,860
I've come straight from the gym.
Anyway, it's important to be ready for action.
217
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:51,300
We need to get in, get out, no
messing. Bish bosh bang boom. Poof.
218
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:54,580
Listen to you, Andy Pandy McNab.
219
00:13:56,500 --> 00:14:01,020
Why does this toothbrush have your
name on it? Lucy wrote it on. Why?
220
00:14:01,020 --> 00:14:03,100
Cos I sometimes
accidentally use hers.
221
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,380
Do you know saliva
has more germs in it than urine?
222
00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:08,580
It would have been less
disgusting if you'd weed on it.
223
00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:10,380
I'll pitch it to her.
224
00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:17,260
This should be a doddle for me.
Reminds me of when the fairground used to come to town.
225
00:14:17,260 --> 00:14:21,020
What, the "hook a duck" stall?
No, I used to break into cars.
226
00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:25,460
Oh, damn! Lucy's written it
on a Post-it note, and it's stuck to the rug.
227
00:14:25,460 --> 00:14:30,100
Stand back.
You want a Post-it note unsticking from a rug, leave it to a real man.
228
00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:39,460
Oh, brilliant, you've broke the
toothbrush off now, you pillock.
229
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:42,860
Don't worry, you'll get it
back, it's got your name on it.
230
00:14:49,820 --> 00:14:53,740
What are you doing?
I'm cleaning the cupboards out.
231
00:14:53,740 --> 00:14:55,860
One HobNob at a time.
232
00:14:57,340 --> 00:15:02,060
We've got to think a way of breaking
into his flat and getting that toothbrush and note back, and quick.
233
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:05,900
I've got an idea. Bust the
skylight, drop down on nylon strings.
234
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:08,500
Blow the switches, then smack the
security guards so hard
235
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:11,300
they'll be crapping their own
balls out for breakfast.
236
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:13,460
Thanks, Tom Cruise(!)
237
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:16,860
I know how you could
break into people's flats.
238
00:15:16,860 --> 00:15:21,900
Get a locksmith to open the door for
you, pretend that you live there and you've locked yourself out.
239
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:24,860
That'll never work.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
240
00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:29,380
You see, I used to have this friend
and she used to use this trick loads.
241
00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:32,060
You see a long time ago, my...friend
242
00:15:32,060 --> 00:15:35,540
was going out with this guy, but he
kept pretending that she wasn't,
243
00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:38,780
so she had to follow him everywhere
he went just to remind him.
244
00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:40,460
You mean she was stalking him.
245
00:15:40,460 --> 00:15:44,460
No, it was not stalking. That's
all just double standards, isn't it?
246
00:15:44,460 --> 00:15:49,900
If a man pursues
a woman that's romance, but if my...friend pursues a man
247
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:52,140
and perhaps
sneaks into his flat
248
00:15:52,140 --> 00:15:55,140
and leaves the odd surprise
love note in places
249
00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:59,460
like the bathroom cabinet saying
things like, "I'm watching you."
250
00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:04,300
Then the courts say, "Oh, you're
a dangerous, obsessive, Barbara."
251
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,660
I mean Mrs Barbara.
252
00:16:08,340 --> 00:16:10,860
Mrs Hannah Barbara.
253
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,900
Anyway,
the point is it works, trust me.
254
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:18,700
Even with the restraining order.
255
00:16:22,660 --> 00:16:25,260
Can't believe I'm taking
advice from Barbara.
256
00:16:25,260 --> 00:16:28,740
The woman who puts ant powder down
the toilet in case they evolve.
257
00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:30,340
Hello.
258
00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:33,380
You the, er,
guy that's locked himself out?
259
00:16:33,380 --> 00:16:37,820
Yeah. I was, er, chasing after my
friend here and the door swung to.
260
00:16:37,820 --> 00:16:43,140
As you can see, he's barely got the
mind of a three-year-old and I was halfway through dressing him.
261
00:16:43,140 --> 00:16:45,140
It's his first day in big boy pants.
262
00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:48,620
OK, no worries, I'll get you in.
263
00:16:48,620 --> 00:16:52,820
Yeah. That door's triple
locked all the way down.
264
00:16:52,820 --> 00:16:54,620
I've got just the thing for this.
265
00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:57,580
Wait here a sec.
266
00:16:57,580 --> 00:16:59,620
So, once again I'm the patsy.
267
00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:03,460
Don't be silly,
I see you more as a Gladys.
268
00:17:03,460 --> 00:17:07,500
Is that right?
Maybe I should start moving this whole body building thing up a gear.
269
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:08,940
What's that supposed to mean?
270
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:12,580
Some of the guys at the gym tell me
there's a few things I can do to help my progress.
271
00:17:12,580 --> 00:17:14,220
Give nature a little helping hand.
272
00:17:14,220 --> 00:17:18,260
What you gonna do? Leave the bag
in your fruit infusion a bit longer.
273
00:17:18,260 --> 00:17:22,380
You're not talking about steroids,
are you? Maybe. Tim, are you mental?
274
00:17:22,380 --> 00:17:25,780
I had a mate who took those
and ended up in hospital. What type were they?
275
00:17:25,780 --> 00:17:28,620
The type that made him grow
an extra penis on his back.
276
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:31,660
Anabolic? No, just a penis.
277
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:40,420
God, look at us! You considering
steroids, me attempting to break into a flat for an old toothbrush.
278
00:17:40,420 --> 00:17:42,260
Oh, yeah, what are we doing?
279
00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:45,500
Come on. Let's go home,
pretend none of this ever happened.
280
00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:58,700
Just needed to get a run up. You
see, I could have picked it, but it would have taken ages
281
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,740
and, er, what with your friend being
a nugget short of a Happy Meal...
282
00:18:01,740 --> 00:18:05,420
just thought, better get you in.
283
00:18:05,420 --> 00:18:08,620
There you go, big fella.
284
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:11,180
Huggies Pully-Up Pants...
285
00:18:11,180 --> 00:18:12,940
You're a big boy now.
286
00:18:25,540 --> 00:18:28,380
We're gonna have to leave town.
You can't spend your life running.
287
00:18:28,380 --> 00:18:31,660
That's rich coming from a man
dressed as a Duracell bunny.
288
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:34,940
I'm not scared,
I can be tough when I need to.
289
00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:38,020
After I've spoken to him,
he'll know I'm connected.
290
00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:40,540
What to, broadband?
291
00:18:40,540 --> 00:18:42,340
I've got an idea.
292
00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:53,580
What the hell did you do that for?!
I'm burgling him.
293
00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:57,300
Oh, I see you're burgling him,
that makes so much sense now.
294
00:18:57,300 --> 00:19:01,260
Just one question to clarify,
what the hell did you do that for?
295
00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:05,260
The only explanation for
the door is a break-in. I'm making it look convincing.
296
00:19:05,260 --> 00:19:10,380
Yobs want money for drugs,
they trash the place, then off they go to spank the dragon.
297
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:16,940
Sorry, am I supposed to be picturing
drugs, joy riding or wanking?
298
00:19:18,820 --> 00:19:21,420
Have you got any better ideas, hey?
Come on, I'm listening.
299
00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:26,580
We could have said we smelled gas
and we smashed his door down to stop his flat exploding.
300
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:28,620
Oh, yes, I suppose that could work.
301
00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:34,180
Well, not now,
what kind of gas explosion makes just the telly smash?
302
00:19:34,180 --> 00:19:35,980
Maybe it happened on
Ready, Steady, Cook.
303
00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:40,100
Oh, well...
304
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:44,780
as my old man used to say, "If
you can't beat 'em, what's the point in having grandchildren?"
305
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:57,140
It was quite exhilarating, wasn't it?
I've never felt so alive.
306
00:19:57,140 --> 00:19:59,380
Yeah, don't get used to it,
he's back soon.
307
00:19:59,380 --> 00:20:03,140
Don't worry we'll get away with it.
Do you reckon? Of course.
308
00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:05,460
He comes home, "Oh, my door!
309
00:20:05,460 --> 00:20:08,220
"What's happened?
I've been broken into."
310
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:10,340
Yeah, could have been anyone.
311
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:13,540
It's a completely random
burglary, isn't it? Course it is.
312
00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:15,580
In a secure block.
313
00:20:15,580 --> 00:20:17,620
Ten floors up.
314
00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:19,700
In broad daylight.
315
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:24,780
Where the only person affected
is the nutter that's fallen out with the downstairs neighbour.
316
00:20:24,780 --> 00:20:28,180
Tonight on a very, very
short episode of Columbo.
317
00:20:30,820 --> 00:20:34,900
Still, as long as the
burglars were wearing gloves.
318
00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:38,540
Oh, God, we're going to prison.
319
00:20:38,540 --> 00:20:43,620
I don't want to go down. Don't worry,
some days it might just be cuddling.
320
00:20:43,620 --> 00:20:47,260
I've got it. Hit me! Don't hit me.
321
00:20:47,260 --> 00:20:51,380
We'll rob every other flat in the
block. I've changed my mind, hit me.
322
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,260
That way the neighbour won't
think he's been singled out.
323
00:20:54,260 --> 00:20:56,900
We can't rob 60 flats,
we've barely managed one.
324
00:20:56,900 --> 00:21:03,460
Well, we'll just do one or two.
Like who's? Mrs Evans downstairs. She's 80 and partially blind.
325
00:21:03,460 --> 00:21:06,620
Exactly, how's she gonna catch us?
326
00:21:06,620 --> 00:21:10,220
We'll do the new
couple of the fifth floor. They've got three children under six.
327
00:21:10,220 --> 00:21:12,100
They'll never notice the difference.
328
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:15,140
Well, we've got to think of
something. He's gonna kill me!
329
00:21:15,140 --> 00:21:18,380
Well, let him come,
we'll gut him like a fish.
330
00:21:18,380 --> 00:21:22,100
I'll use that nice John Lewis
de-scaling knife I gave you for Christmas.
331
00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:24,340
Oh, that was a fish
de-scaler, was it?
332
00:21:24,340 --> 00:21:27,300
No wonder it didn't
clean the kettle.
333
00:21:28,860 --> 00:21:30,580
Hang on,
334
00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:33,420
I suppose there is
one flat we can burgle.
335
00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:39,900
Brilliant!
Then no-one'll know it was us.
336
00:21:49,060 --> 00:21:52,100
The one time.
337
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:55,980
Right, we can't be the
ones to discover this, so we'll come back in an hour.
338
00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:58,220
Barbara, you'd better go too.
Why do I need to leave?
339
00:21:58,220 --> 00:22:01,820
I want people to think
that we've been robbed, not that you've just done a double shift.
340
00:22:09,380 --> 00:22:13,900
And don't forget when we get back
the police might be there, so you've got to act surprised.
341
00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:17,300
So, now you want me to act.
Well, if we're gonna be a bunch of girls about this,
342
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:20,340
why don't we put our hair in pigtails
and wear flouncy white dresses(?)
343
00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:23,180
Because it's not your
25th birthday party again.
344
00:22:23,180 --> 00:22:26,460
It was an Alice in Wonderland
theme and I am not that guy any more.
345
00:22:26,460 --> 00:22:31,500
Tell me about it. The last few
days has been like watching Richard Briers murder a hooker.
346
00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:37,380
Right, show me your best surprised
face - you've just found out you're the victim of burglary.
347
00:22:39,660 --> 00:22:45,700
I said burglary not buggery.
Try and be Method about it.
348
00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:48,180
Remember the last time you
found a hole in one of your socks.
349
00:22:48,180 --> 00:22:51,420
Perfect.
350
00:22:51,420 --> 00:22:54,700
Now, what did you do with them?
I was up half the night with a darning needle.
351
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:57,540
I mean the toothbrush and the note.
352
00:22:57,540 --> 00:23:02,180
What do you mean what did I do with
them? I thought you picked them up.
353
00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:06,420
Tim, are you telling me we did
a pretend burglary for nothing?
354
00:23:06,420 --> 00:23:08,060
No.
355
00:23:08,060 --> 00:23:11,140
We did two pretend
burglaries for nothing.
356
00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:15,020
Oh, God, he's gonna kill
us when we get back.
357
00:23:15,020 --> 00:23:19,060
I was thinking of going
straight back to my place once I've finished this drink.
358
00:23:19,060 --> 00:23:22,500
Oh, here we go. Leave me to face
him, you gutless wimp. You what?
359
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,860
This is your fault for
smashing up his telly.
360
00:23:24,860 --> 00:23:28,340
I'll smash you up in a minute.
Go on then. I said, "In a minute."
361
00:23:30,340 --> 00:23:35,820
Yeah, you can talk the talk and you
can walk the walk, but can you...
362
00:23:35,820 --> 00:23:38,300
talk and walk?
363
00:23:38,300 --> 00:23:40,380
Right, I've had enough of this.
364
00:23:40,380 --> 00:23:43,820
Sounds like my wimpiness
needs a helping hand.
365
00:23:43,820 --> 00:23:46,460
Are they steroids? Yeah, I got
them from the bloke at the gym.
366
00:23:46,460 --> 00:23:49,580
They're gonna be like Energon
to the Terrorsaur. What?
367
00:23:49,580 --> 00:23:51,900
Transformers, from
the original TV series.
368
00:23:51,900 --> 00:23:53,620
Not the film, that
was a disappointment.
369
00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:54,780
Don't be an idiot.
370
00:23:54,780 --> 00:23:59,780
Oh, you're gonna stop me, are you?
Well, if you fancy your chances, bring on the thunder, little man.
371
00:23:59,780 --> 00:24:03,580
TIM COUGHS
372
00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:08,340
I usually
crush up my tablets and have them with a spoonful of raspberry jam.
373
00:24:22,820 --> 00:24:25,460
Lucy?
374
00:24:25,460 --> 00:24:26,980
Lucy?
375
00:24:29,940 --> 00:24:31,500
Evening.
376
00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:35,420
Well, that's nailed
my surprise face.
377
00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:38,820
How did you get in here?
378
00:24:38,820 --> 00:24:41,340
Did you just
smash the door down, huh...?
379
00:24:41,340 --> 00:24:45,500
Cos if you did that would be
perfectly acceptable and understandable between neighbours.
380
00:24:47,020 --> 00:24:49,020
Have you got
something to say to me,
381
00:24:49,020 --> 00:24:52,460
Lee from downstairs?
382
00:24:52,460 --> 00:24:59,380
Please, call me upstairs Tony.
That's right, I keep forgetting.
383
00:24:59,380 --> 00:25:02,900
Maybe I should write it
down on a little note.
384
00:25:02,900 --> 00:25:06,060
Or maybe...
385
00:25:06,060 --> 00:25:07,700
a toothbrush.
386
00:25:07,700 --> 00:25:10,820
Probably not a good idea.
387
00:25:10,820 --> 00:25:14,820
It might get nicked and placed
at the scene of a crime that...
388
00:25:14,820 --> 00:25:17,700
you couldn't
possibly have committed.
389
00:25:17,700 --> 00:25:19,660
Oh, look, ha...
390
00:25:19,660 --> 00:25:21,740
we've been burgled too.
391
00:25:21,740 --> 00:25:24,860
If you have... I wouldn't know.
392
00:25:24,860 --> 00:25:27,420
Do you know what I'm
gonna do with you?
393
00:25:27,420 --> 00:25:30,220
I'm gonna cut your knob off
394
00:25:30,220 --> 00:25:33,060
and staple it to your head,
395
00:25:33,060 --> 00:25:36,740
so everyone'll know
you're a dickhead.
396
00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:40,580
I could just tell them.
397
00:25:42,420 --> 00:25:44,860
You're a dead man.
398
00:25:48,820 --> 00:25:52,420
I take it you found
some raspberry jam then.
399
00:25:52,420 --> 00:25:54,820
How many of those
bloody things did you take?
400
00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:58,820
Let's just say there's a
Bulgarian weightlifter somewhere who can't lift a feather.
401
00:25:58,820 --> 00:26:02,340
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
What are friends for? Come here.
402
00:26:13,140 --> 00:26:17,460
I can't believe you stood up
to the neighbour like that.
403
00:26:17,460 --> 00:26:18,620
I just saw red.
404
00:26:18,620 --> 00:26:22,900
Especially after I caught him
trashing the flat like that.
405
00:26:22,900 --> 00:26:25,420
I told you
you shouldn't have left that note.
406
00:26:25,420 --> 00:26:29,180
Tim just ran off and left
you to face him alone?
407
00:26:29,180 --> 00:26:32,220
Yeah, don't mention it to him -
he's very embarrassed about it.
408
00:26:32,220 --> 00:26:35,740
To be fair, he had to run off
the side effects of those drugs.
409
00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:40,700
What side effects?
Well, let's just say those Huggies pants came in handy.
410
00:26:41,780 --> 00:26:44,340
What was he thinking
about taking steroids?
411
00:26:44,340 --> 00:26:48,860
The closest Tim's ever been
to drugs was when he snorted half a tub of baking powder.
412
00:26:48,860 --> 00:26:52,420
Did he think it was cocaine?
Oh, no, he knew what it was.
413
00:26:52,420 --> 00:26:57,460
He inhaled it accidentally when
he was making a Victoria sponge for his Duke of Edinburgh Award.
414
00:26:57,460 --> 00:27:02,260
Oh, you poor thing. Did he do
anything else to you or was it just the black eye?
415
00:27:02,260 --> 00:27:04,900
Actually, he kneed
me between the legs.
416
00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:08,580
I'll get some more ice.
417
00:27:08,580 --> 00:27:12,660
I still can't believe he moved out,
you must have really frightened him.
418
00:27:12,660 --> 00:27:15,060
Well, I grew up on a very
tough Northern estate
419
00:27:15,060 --> 00:27:17,100
and if there's one thing that
taught me,
420
00:27:17,100 --> 00:27:19,740
it's how to make
people an offer they can't refuse.
421
00:27:19,740 --> 00:27:21,380
What, everything for a pound?
422
00:27:21,380 --> 00:27:26,780
You can laugh, but I think it's safe
to say that's the last we've seen of our noisy little neighbour.
423
00:27:26,830 --> 00:27:31,380
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