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1
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,360
Fine, thanks, and I see the
Pavarotti tribute is coming along.
2
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,800
How far did you run?
I don't know exactly. I couldn't find my pedometer.
3
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:22,960
You haven't seen it, have you?
No, but I have found this magic watch that makes sweaty women appear.
4
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,800
How do these things work?
5
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,680
Every time it shakes,
it registers a footstep.
6
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,800
How come it says
12 and a half miles?
7
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:38,840
You really have to shake
those ketchup bottles, don't you?
8
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,480
♪ Yeah not going out
9
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:45,360
♪ Not staying in
10
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:48,000
♪ Hanging around with my head
in a spin
11
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,480
♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout
12
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,400
♪ We are not going out
13
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,280
♪ We are not going out. ♪
14
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,880
Sorry.
15
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:05,800
What you doing all this running for
anyway? I'm just trying to get fit.
16
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,680
Not as young as I used to be.
17
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:11,760
All the best things improve with age.
Fine wines, cheese, dirty old women.
18
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,360
How old are you exactly?
19
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,400
How old do you think?
20
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,440
No chance.
21
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:22,720
It's a simple question. What,
like how heavy do you think I am?
22
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:26,400
That was different, I wasn't
expecting the answer in tonnage.
23
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:31,240
Come on, guess. I'm never
going to get it exactly right.
24
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:34,080
I'll let you get it within two
years. I'll get back to you then.
25
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,960
You're 31.
26
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:43,400
I'm 29. Well, that's all right then.
I'm just two years out.
27
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,840
They were the wrong two years.
28
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,320
Always play safe, always
go under what you think.
29
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,320
I did.
30
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,800
So, when are you 30?
31
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,560
Next week.
32
00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,080
You kept that quiet.
It may have been a milestone
33
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,840
in the workhouse you grew up in,
Lee, but life expectancy is a bit higher here.
34
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,800
So, what you doing to celebrate?
35
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:10,840
I tell you what I'm not doing.
Staying here and being told that by 30, I should be married with kids.
36
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,720
I'm going to Venice.
37
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,520
On your own I assume?
38
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,760
Oh, do you now? Well, you know
what they say about assumptions...
39
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,160
they make an ass out of
you and...'umptions'...
40
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,200
Well, you haven't got a boyfriend.
41
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,520
Not that I know of. The world is full
of things you don't know of...
42
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:33,800
art, poetry, soap.
43
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,120
I watch Hollyoaks, that's all three.
44
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,280
Not to mention a damn good
work-out on the pedometer.
45
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,640
Does Lucy tell you things?
You know, personal stuff.
46
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:53,120
Of course, she's my sister,
she tells me all sorts of private matters. Like what?
47
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,320
She showed me
her electric bill recently.
48
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:01,440
That's fairly personal,
I wouldn't want anyone looking at my utility bills.
49
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,040
Why, what have you been
doing, gassing kittens?
50
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,000
It's not personal
to show someone your bills.
51
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,200
So you'd be happy for someone
to see your telephone bill?
52
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,080
That's different.
53
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:20,720
That's true, there's no-one at
Powergen who promises to be wet and wild for £1.50 a minute.
54
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,160
It'd be quite dangerous for a start.
55
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:30,520
We've been through this,
I thought soapy Jane was somebody who gave you updates on Eastenders.
56
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,840
You know its Lucy's 30th next week,
don't you?
57
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,600
Of course, I'm surprised you do.
58
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,800
Didn't think you kept track of
people's birthdays. I do actually.
59
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,600
So when's mine?
60
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:48,560
14 of June. Wow.
61
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:53,480
See, I do take an interest
in other people, I like to think I've got some... It's 9 of March.
62
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,880
Thank God for that.
I thought I'd gone psychic.
63
00:03:55,880 --> 00:04:00,680
Actually, muggins here has been
lumbered with organising a big party for her.
64
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,640
You, organise a party?
65
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,800
Yes, me, I'm not 12, you know.
66
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:09,080
Well, why have you been left to
do it? Mum and Dad said I had to.
67
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,520
You couldn't organise
a piss-up in a brewery.
68
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,760
Is that what she's got her
heart set on? I don't mind helping.
69
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,800
How is the invisible
juggling going, Daisy?
70
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,640
I don't like using the hand driers,
they make my hands really...
71
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,240
Dry? Yes!
72
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:27,400
Do you get that too? They should
warn you about that, shouldn't they?
73
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:31,440
If you think about it,
a piss-up in a brewery would be very hard to organise.
74
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:36,560
You'd probably be in an out-of-town
location, so transport links would be a nightmare.
75
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,960
Then of course there's
the health and safety issue.
76
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,960
I've always thought of you as Captain
Pedantic. You've just been promoted to colonel.
77
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:47,960
Actually, it would be major then
lieutenant colonel, then colonel.
78
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:51,120
Anyway, you'll be pleased to
hear that you're off the hook.
79
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,720
She's going to Venice
for her birthday. With who?
80
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,400
That, Daisy, is the $64,000 question.
81
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,440
Oh, that's a good clue. Erm...
82
00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,040
Is it Steve Austin?
83
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,040
Well, that's brilliant, I
don't have to organise a party.
84
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,640
Aren't you bothered she's going
with someone you've never met?
85
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:15,960
Don't stick your nose in where it's
not welcome, that was good advice at Crufts and it's good advice now.
86
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:20,160
There's nothing wrong with protecting
your friend's interests. I'm going to find out who it is.
87
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,840
It's not like I'm going to start
reading her diary or anything.
88
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,320
She has got a diary actually.
89
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,320
Has she?
Yes, she keeps it by the bed.
90
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:33,120
I've read it. Have you? Yeah.
91
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,840
Does it mention a boyfriend?
92
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,320
Erm...it does actually,
his name is Peter.
93
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:46,320
How does she know him?
He is the son of the family that's hiding from the Nazis.
94
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,920
Right. Has Lucy got a diary
that's been written by her?
95
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,080
Oh, I don't know.
96
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:12,560
Have you worked out who it is yet?
97
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:17,400
Oh, let me think, trail
of broken crockery, grating voice, faint smell of chewing tobacco...
98
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:18,880
Is it Barbara the cleaner?
99
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,960
I mean, Lucy's mystery man. No.
100
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:26,960
When you find him, are you going
to take him on, challenge him to a dual?
101
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,400
I don't own a gun.
You could use a hammer.
102
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,600
I don't even know who he is.
Well, you're just not looking hard enough, are you?
103
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,080
Lucy left her mobile behind today.
104
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,800
Have you just had a stroke?
105
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,880
Does she know she left it?
106
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,920
I phoned to tell her
but it just rang out.
107
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,760
Go on, have a look.
108
00:06:55,280 --> 00:07:00,040
Where do I start? Oh, I don't know,
look under "B" for boyfriend.
109
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,760
Don't be stupid. Does she
keep me under "C" for client?
110
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,360
Not for "client", no.
111
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:10,920
Go through recently dialled numbers.
112
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,640
Robin. Dial it.
113
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,320
And say what? Say it's Batman,
you've got a job for him.
114
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,400
Batman and Robin, that is...
115
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,960
I should be on the stage.
116
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,480
It's only a matter of time before
tag wrestling is back in vogue.
117
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,640
RINGING TONE
118
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,960
'Hello?' Oh, hello, is that Robin?
119
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,800
'Yeah, who is that?'
120
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,240
Bruce.
121
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,040
'Bruce who?'
122
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,440
Wayne.
123
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,600
'Bruce Wayne.'
124
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:47,080
'I'm phoning about Lucy Adams.
You know Lucy, don't you?' Yeah.
125
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,160
'How do you know her?'
Depends who's asking.
126
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:50,880
I'm asking.
127
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:52,720
'And who are you?'
128
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,920
Depends who's asking.
129
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:58,160
'Come on, who is this?' I'm her...
130
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,040
..doctor.
131
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,160
'Her doctor?'
Yeah, she's broken her leg.
132
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:09,160
She needs picking up and it needs
to be someone quite close like a brother or her husband
133
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:12,840
or her boyfriend. Do any of
these descriptions match you?
134
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,640
Yeah, all three,
that's in-breeding for you.
135
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,720
It's not a joke, sir.
There's a lady's life at stake here.
136
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,040
'I thought you said
it was a broken leg.'
137
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,160
Well, it's broken in two places...
138
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:26,280
her knee and her...spine.
139
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,200
Look, how do you know her?
'We're just colleagues.'
140
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,560
So you're not going to Venice
this weekend? No, I'm not, why?
141
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,840
It's just that that's where she
is now, Venice General Hospital.
142
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,600
She's slipped on a Cornetto.
143
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,920
Don't worry, we'll stick
her in a gondola, bye.
144
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,720
Jesus, it would have been
easier to say I was Batman!
145
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:53,240
I just got a call from some weirdo
claiming to be a doctor from Venice,
146
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,240
but he phoned from your mobile.
147
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:56,880
My mobile?
148
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,720
I left it in the flat.
149
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,800
This doctor...describe him.
150
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,920
Well, it's hard
to say without seeing him.
151
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,800
Could you imagine yourself punching
him in the face? That's him.
152
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,840
Look, who exactly are you?
153
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:23,600
Don't start hiding behind all that
client confidentiality thing, it just makes you sound shifty.
154
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:28,040
Right, no, she doesn't want
to cancel her smear test.
155
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:34,600
Oh, here's one, "Dandmahom".
Sounds like an Indian name.
156
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:35,960
Oh, lucky girl...
157
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:40,480
I dated an Indian man once, Ravi.
Yeah, he knew the Kama Sutra off by heart...
158
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:44,520
had me in a different position every
night, the swan, golden goose...
159
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,040
Coach and horses?
160
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,680
Ravi had mastered the art of tantra,
161
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:52,960
he could hold off
an orgasm for hours.
162
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,480
I wonder how he managed that.
163
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,680
RINGING TONE
'Hello, Lucy.'
164
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,280
It's not Lucy actually, Mr Lover Man.
165
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,240
I presume this is "Daandmahom".
166
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,200
'No, it's Geoffrey, Lucy's father.'
167
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:14,480
Oh, "Dad and Mum home",
"Daandmahom."
168
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,640
'Is that Lee?'
169
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,200
No.
170
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:24,720
Well, I only know two people with
Northern accents, so it's either you or George Formby.
171
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,400
(GEORGE FORMBY VOICE)
It's turned out nice again, Mother.
172
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,680
Oh, and who are you phoning now?
173
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:37,640
Someone gorgeous I hope,
seeing as I'm going to be bonking his brains out in Venice.
174
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,320
'Lucy, is that you?'
175
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:42,920
No, it's Barbara.
176
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,120
'Are you sure?'
177
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,720
'Oh, sorry, hi, Barbara.'
178
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,920
Hi.
179
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,960
11 calls in the last hour?
180
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:59,400
Yeah. I'm organising a darts
match between the Famous Five and the Seven Dwarfs. That's 12.
181
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,920
I'm not inviting Grumpy,
you know what he's like.
182
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,480
What's going on?
183
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:09,120
OK. You want the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth.
184
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,360
Tim's organising
a surprise party for you.
185
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,920
So help you God.
186
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:18,640
I was trying to invite people without
you finding out. Why didn't you tell Tim about Venice?
187
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,840
He's put so much effort into it.
188
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,880
I didn't want to break
his little heart.
189
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,960
You know how fragile
Tim's been since...birth.
190
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,600
Oh, great(!) So, I'm going
to have to cancel my trip now.
191
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,960
I don't want a surprise party,
especially one Tim's organising.
192
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,960
He took me bowling
on my tenth birthday.
193
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,880
Oh, come on, all kids like bowling.
194
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,280
Not Crown Green.
195
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:44,920
It'll be great
but you can't invite Venice Man.
196
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,520
Why not? Because it's supposed
to be a surprise.
197
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,960
Tim would know that you knew
if you invited him
198
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,960
and besides,
security won't let him in.
199
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:56,040
Maybe he's big and strong
and will be able to sort the bouncers out. Who is security?
200
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:03,760
Ok, fair point. Nice work.
201
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:07,040
Yeah, well that sorts out Venice
but she's still got a boyfriend.
202
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,480
For now, until you
do something about it.
203
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:13,760
I've told you, I'm not beating
him to death with a hammer. There is another alternative.
204
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,920
What? Use a brick.
205
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,600
Oh, you'd miss me
if I didn't work here.
206
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:20,800
Oh, do you work here?
207
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:25,160
Look, what I mean is, this may be
your last chance
208
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,560
to make sure Lucy
has the best party ever,
209
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,800
get her in a great mood
and you're in.
210
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:33,400
You've just got to use
your natural God-given charms.
211
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,680
Actually might do better
just to get her pissed.
212
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,560
You did what?
I had to think on my feet.
213
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:52,360
What have I told you about thinking
and walking at the same time? I'm telling her the truth. You can't.
214
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:56,000
She was really excited about
a surprise do.
215
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,280
She said she hoped it
was as good as the bowling party.
216
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:03,160
She still remembers the bowling
party after all these years? Vividly.
217
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:09,520
Come on, Tim, you're great at
organising things. What about that whist drive? That was good.
218
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:14,040
Brilliant. I mean, it wasn't the
wildest stag do I've ever been on, but Dave was happy.
219
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:20,360
OK, I'll do it. Great. We've just
got to work out what we're going to do.
220
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,800
We? I'll be fine on my own thanks.
I know your idea of a good party.
221
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,240
Two crates of a brown ale,
a KFC bargain bucket and a bunch of strippers.
222
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,520
Hey, my mum's 60th was a riot.
223
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:34,160
This has to be a night
that Lucy will never forget.
224
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,400
Don't worry, I know you think of
me as a stick-in-the-mud,
225
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:41,080
but when it comes to people letting
their hair down, I can groove on down with the rest of the kids.
226
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,520
A charades tournament?
227
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,720
What do you reckon?
I'll tell you what I reckon.
228
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,760
Two words, second word,
sounds like...
229
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:51,840
Cough.
230
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:59,520
I'm doing my best, it's short
notice, what about a pinata?
231
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:02,600
A what? A brightly coloured
donkey you hit with a stick.
232
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,840
Perfect, go on, then.
233
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,920
What? Get your donkey costume on.
234
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:12,840
Tim, all we need is music,
some food and a little bit of...
235
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,360
Yahtzee? Forget games.
236
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,840
People like games, especially
the people I'm inviting.
237
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,720
Who are you inviting? Mum, Dad,
Nana, Uncle St. John, Aunt Flossie.
238
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:25,440
Great, tonight we're
going to party like it's 1899.
239
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,400
They're a very lively bunch
I'll have you know.
240
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,520
Yeah, for now. There's still a week
to go, half of them might have died.
241
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:36,040
Not Uncle St. John, he's been
declared dead four times already, he's always proved them wrong.
242
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:39,960
Anyway can't stay and chat,
compilation cassettes don't make themselves.
243
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:47,320
Well, so much for getting Lucy in
the party mood, this is like the passenger list for The Titanic.
244
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,120
I'll have to borrow her phone
and invite some younger people.
245
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:54,760
Good idea but only married men,
you've got enough competition for Lucy at the moment.
246
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,640
Make sure they're young
but not free and single.
247
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,480
Oh, in fact, Indian would be good
too...
248
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,800
And will you be bringing your wife?
249
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,200
Oh, you're not married, girlfriend?
250
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,280
Oh, no girlfriend.
251
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,200
Boyfriend?
252
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,200
Oh, you're not gay.
253
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,480
OK, then, well, looking forward
to seeing you.
254
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:28,520
The address? I can't give
you that, otherwise it wouldn't be a surprise party, would it?
255
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,400
Another one bites the dust.
256
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,400
Oh, you know,
what's his name from Queen?
257
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,520
Have we got enough young couples now?
258
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,960
Oh, don't stop me now,
I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball.
259
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,600
I'm on fire today!
260
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,280
If only.
261
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,520
This my guest list?
262
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,000
Some surprise party this
is turning out to be.
263
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:59,600
At least the chocolate fountain
will still be a surprise, oops.
264
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,840
These people are all married
with kids.
265
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:05,480
This is the exact reason
why I wanted to go away in the first place.
266
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,680
I'll be the only person there
without a partner.
267
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,680
You've still got a boyfriend,
he's just not coming.
268
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:14,640
Look, I haven't got
a boyfriend, all right?
269
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,280
I never actually said that I did.
Yes, you did.
270
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:20,920
No, I didn't, you said that.
I just...didn't deny it.
271
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,200
That's the same thing.
272
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:26,640
Is that right? A teenager was
beaten up this morning outside the flats and had his phone stolen.
273
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:30,840
Oh, you didn't deny it, it must
have been you. Actually that was me.
274
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:37,520
He tried to happy slap me
so I punched him in the stomach and confiscated his phone.
275
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:44,000
Anyway...you won't be the only
single person at this party.
276
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,760
Yes, I will. No, you won't.
277
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:50,320
I'm a single man. Well,
that's not completely true, is it?
278
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,400
I haven't got a girlfriend.
I meant the "man" bit.
279
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:03,080
It wasn't that funny.
Oh, I don't know, I thought it was kind of magic.
280
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:15,040
Oh, this takes me back.
For my 30th, I had a little baby.
281
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:18,600
Let me know if you're
planning to do that again. I'll rinse out the salad tongs.
282
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:27,760
Obviously, I'll just
be doing gas and air, I won't be down the business end.
283
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:35,680
Remember, Geoffrey,
Lucy crawling about the place, stark naked with a bottle in her hand.
284
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,920
Well, if Lee had his way...
Just do the buffet.
285
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:45,520
Who fancies a punch? It's gin,
vodka, rum, brandy, Campari and whiskey
286
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:50,920
and I've added a bit of orange juice
as well for those that don't drink.
287
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,760
Where's Lucy?
288
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,200
Well, not here obviously,
it's a surprise party.
289
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,120
That's what I thought
and then Tim said...
290
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,280
Daisy, can you give me a hand?
With what?
291
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:04,200
The dimmer switch,
something tells me you're an expert.
292
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:09,000
Listen, you're right, Lucy does know
about the party,
293
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,040
but her mum and dad
don't know that she knows about it.
294
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,920
Likewise Tim knows that Lucy knows
about it,
295
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:18,920
but Lucy doesn't know
that Tim knows she knows about it.
296
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,000
I lost you on "listen", didn't I?
297
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:26,960
As far as everyone is concerned, it's
a surprise party, just go along with it. What's happening here then?
298
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,960
Oh, nothing, nothing.
299
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,560
It's all right, Daisy,
I already know about the party.
300
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,960
Oh, what gave it away?
301
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:41,680
I organised all
the food and decorations and this chocolate fountain.
302
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,080
Is then when you guessed?
303
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:49,440
Well, the plan is, Lee,
you meet Lucy at the pub,
304
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,800
keep her chatting for half an
hour and then bring her round.
305
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:57,720
He'll be fine, Dad, he's often
had to bring a woman round after chatting to her for half an hour.
306
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,760
Oh, I get it, is it Rohypnol?
307
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,280
Hello, saucy.
308
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,080
It's not too revealing, is it?
309
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:12,760
No, I mean you smell of gravy.
310
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:19,440
I wouldn't expect a man like
you to recognise the faint aroma of Chanel No. 5.
311
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,920
Ah, Bisto.
312
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,920
All right,
how about this for a chat up line...
313
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,400
are you an electrician?
314
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,680
Oh, perfect, take me now, Mr Darcy.
315
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:36,520
When I saw you across the room you
gave off a certain spark that sent a current racing through my body.
316
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,640
Nice, are you a fishmonger?
317
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:43,400
Why? Because you stink.
318
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:47,120
Look on the bright side. With your
Aunt Flossie and Uncle St. John going,
319
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,840
we still won't be the
smelliest couple at the party.
320
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,000
Couple? Well, not couple obviously.
321
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,840
I just thought seeing as how we're
going to be the only single people,
322
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,080
we could just sort of
hang out together.
323
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,680
We'll be like
the two unpopular kids at school.
324
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,720
We still stay in touch.
325
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:09,400
Actually I'm not going on
my own, I'm taking someone I know through work.
326
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,880
What do you mean? It's something
people do to earn money.
327
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,360
He's a gigolo?
328
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,800
He's a business colleague.
329
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,680
Well, I had to do something!
It' your fault for inviting all the married ones.
330
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,120
I don't want to look like
the spinster on the shelf.
331
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:30,600
I've asked this person to pretend
to be my boyfriend for the night.
332
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,760
In fact he's here now
so try and be polite.
333
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,840
Lucy, hi, why you look fantastic.
334
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:38,720
Oh, thanks, Robin,
sorry, this is Lee.
335
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:43,200
Oh, of course, the lodger,
of should I call you the doctor?
336
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,920
Why don't you combine both
and call me David Tennant?
337
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,320
Here they come.
338
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,040
EVERYBODY: Surprise!
339
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:08,040
Oh, my gosh, I don't believe it.
I had no idea.
340
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:14,640
Sorry, I was just
covering all bases.
341
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,280
Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
342
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,160
Oh, wow! What a surprise!
343
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,200
Blimey, what a night!
344
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:26,880
First, my new boyfriend Robin takes
me out for a really romantic meal at an expensive restaurant,
345
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:30,680
because he's doing very well
for himself thank you very much and now all of this.
346
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,160
I am speechless. Clearly.
347
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,720
Boyfriend, eh?
You kept that very quiet.
348
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:38,640
Yes, where have you
been hiding this one?
349
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,040
In the cupboard with
all the other dishes?
350
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,680
No, in the shed with
all the other planks.
351
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,160
Sorry, this is my mum and dad.
352
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,000
No-one told me it was
a James Bond theme party.
353
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,640
I'm sorry? Sean Connery,
a young Honor Blackman.
354
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,120
I'm Pussy Galore.
355
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,640
You didn't tell us
about Roger Moore.
356
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:05,960
And you are? Odd Job.
357
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,560
LAUGHTER
358
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,640
It's ironic, isn't it?
359
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:20,480
You spend days making sure Lucy
couldn't spend her birthday
360
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,320
with her boyfriend
and as a direct result,
361
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,120
you set her up
with an absolute...phwoar!
362
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,200
He's not her real boyfriend.
363
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:32,040
Well, you might want
to tell Lucy that. SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY
364
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:36,840
Yeah, she's certainly
relishing her part. I wouldn't mind relishing his parts.
365
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,840
Thanks, this is giving
me a lot of relief.
366
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,960
I wouldn't mind giving
him a lot of relief.
367
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:49,240
Robin seems like a nice chap.
Successful, good looking, suitable candidate for a long term boyfriend.
368
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:50,960
I'll put a word in for you.
369
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,560
Maybe Lucy has
finally found Mr Right.
370
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:56,040
Yeah, Mr Right Dickhead.
371
00:22:56,040 --> 00:23:00,520
Hey, what's up doc?
So, what's the diagnosis?
372
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:04,560
Funnily enough we've just
had your test results in and it's not good news I'm afraid.
373
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,080
Oh, no, what's wrong with me?
374
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,560
You've got cancer.
375
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,120
Crikey, Robin's certainly
knocking them back.
376
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:18,760
I hope he's not too drunk.
377
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:23,000
I was just talking to
him for, like, 20 minutes and he understood every word I said.
378
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,480
Wasted then.
379
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:38,080
Oh, I do love all this role play,
you know, maybe next time we should play headmaster and school girl.
380
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,680
Oh, OK, sir, but you lay a hand
on me and I'll tell my parents.
381
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:43,720
I know my rights, you nonce.
382
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,840
So, how's it going
with the boy wonder?
383
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,480
With his wandering hands
he's more like Dr Octopus.
384
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,560
Why doesn't she tell him to get lost?
385
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:57,040
Or has she got a fetish
for eight tentacles?
386
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,720
Oh, that reminds me,
I had a dream last night.
387
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,400
I was in bed with four men...
388
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:08,320
Ravi...Imran...Samir...Daandmahom.
389
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,800
She's pretending he's her boyfriend.
She can't suddenly cause a scene at a family occasion.
390
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,840
Right, that's it. Its time for
Dr Who to sort out the Pervy Squid.
391
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:27,800
Odd Job, you and Captain Pedantic
might want to stand back, because I'm evicting Batman's rent boy.
392
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,560
Actually, I'm not really
in the mood for dancing.
393
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:32,920
Come on, who doesn't
like a bit of Hot Chocolate?
394
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:37,200
Speaking of which, is that
a Flake in my pocket or am I just glad to see you?
395
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,600
Are you sure it's not a Smartie?
396
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:42,840
Oh, my...!
397
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,480
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
398
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:49,560
You bloody clumsy idiot.
399
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,600
Don't be like that, who doesn't
like a bit of hot chocolate?
400
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:58,080
I'm going to have to go home
and change now, you cretin.
401
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,760
Oh, don't go yet.
402
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:06,200
We're having such a...fondue.
403
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,000
Maybe we should tidy up a bit.
404
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,640
Oh, don't worry, Barbara's doing
a couple of hours tomorrow.
405
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:23,440
We'll tidy up after she's gone.
406
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,320
Thanks.
407
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:32,560
What for? For pouring warm chocolate
down my fake boyfriend's trousers.
408
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,600
Not the first time
and won't be the last.
409
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,280
He certainly left in
a bit of a hurry.
410
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,320
Yeah, I think he wanted
to get home before he set.
411
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:45,400
All things considered,
this hasn't been the worst night of my entire life.
412
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,040
I'm glad I didn't go to Venice.
413
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:52,320
Yeah, all those Italians
with their roaming hands and black, letchy moustaches.
414
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:55,160
The blokes are just as bad as well.
415
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:58,440
Here's to Tim. His surprise
party was a pretty good idea.
416
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:03,080
Actually...it wasn't Tim's idea,
it was mine.
417
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,480
What do you mean?
418
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,840
You're going to laugh at this.
419
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:11,240
When I was on your phone,
I was trying to find out who this mysterious boyfriend was.
420
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:14,440
When you caught me I panicked
and made the whole thing up.
421
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,080
Actually some of that's not true.
Which bit?
422
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,800
The bit about you laughing.
423
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:24,440
So you made my brother do all of
that just to save your own skin?
424
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:28,240
Just when you think somebody has
changed. God, you're annoying!
425
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,560
I'm guessing now is not the time
to mention the broken pedometer.
426
00:26:34,610 --> 00:26:39,160
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