Original subtitles

I wondered why my face was all distorted.

It must be the G-force.

I think you'll find it's the inbreeding.

What are you posting that's so important, anyway?

I'm entering an essay-writing competition. You...

have written an essay?

About what? It's called Me And My Big Gnarly Head by John Merrick.

If you must know, it's called My Vision For A Better World.

You don't have a vision.

You barely notice things that are right in front of you.

CRASH!

♪ We're not going out

♪ We're not staying in

♪ Just hanging around with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Sorry!

Have you had a wash this morning, Lucy?

Interesting opening gambit.

Still better than yesterday's lyrical northern prose.

The words, "sweat much", "fat" and "lass" have all been used by Dickens.

Just not necessarily...

in the right order!

Well?

Yes, I've had a wash.

That's a shame because you could have bathed in my success.

I've won £1,000. When you say "won",

It's a northern thing, right?

There was an essay competition in your recruitment magazine.

I wrote about the inequalities that the less able-bodied suffer

due to the attitudes of the able-bodied within the modern workplace.

What do you know about essay writing?

Enough. I took inspiration from some of my favourite writers.

Writers? Katie Price only counts as one, you know.

You can laugh, but they mocked Shakespeare when he wrote his first play.

Did they? Dunno - probably. Why?

Cos he's rubbish.

Anyway, I won fair and square.

I spent some of my winnings on an investment. Guess what it is.

No idea.

The complete set of five 1982 World Cup commemorative mugs.

Oh, I was going to say that, but I thought it was too obvious.

They're very rare. In 1982, you couldn't just go out and buy these things.

Well, you could, but you had to buy five boxes of PG Tips.

I'm surprised PG Tips didn't give you free ones when you helped them carry that piano upstairs.

What are you doing? Putting them on display.You mean we're not even using them?

Using them?!

That would be like using the Holy Grail for...

grailing.

Well, go on then, show me this essay.

No, you'll laugh. Oh, come on, did I laugh when you

No.

You're shy, aren't you? No, I'm not.

It's OK, shyness isn't a weakness, you know. In fact, some women find it quite attractive in a man.

Has no-one ever told you that?

Can't answer that.

Why? I'm shy.

Actually, I was thinking of celebrating my big win by going out for a meal.

I wondered if you fancied coming along.

I'd take Tim, but champagne gets up his nose and he'll start singing It's Raining Men.

Erm, I'll think about it. I'm...going away to a business convention for a few days,

but...when I get back...maybe.

Great.

I owe you a thank-you anyway. Why?

You let me use your laptop to write the essay up. Did I?

Yeah. Sorry about the orange marks around some of the keys.

Not all the bolognaise came off when I ran it under the taps.

I can't believe I'm going to lose my no-claims bonus.

The only accident I've ever had was when a pigeon messed on my bonnet.

And that was only the once when I was forced to park under a tree and I had forgotten my car sheath.

Well, look on the bright side, at least you've won £1,000.

Oh, no, sorry, that's me, isn't it?

In a minute, I'm going to end up with a broken nose. Oh, no, sorry...

Yeah, I got it.

Let's hear it, then. What? This essay you claim to have written about disability in the workplace.

Can't remember it all, can I? It's 20 pages long.

Come on, you must remember some of it.

How did it start?

"I have a dream..."

Carry on, Martin Luther."..and in that dream everyone is welcome, in my...house."

"It doesn't matter who you are or what you are

"or indeed how you are - how are you?

"Are you well? You're not?

"Care not, weary traveller. Please come in. There's a ramp.

"All are welcome, unless you're a...

"Nazi...or a murderer or a...

"nonce.

"Please enter, take the weight off your wheels, for I have a dream."

Who really wrote this essay?

I downloaded it from the internet.

Typical. What if the organisers find out?

They won't! How could I possibly have lifted an entire essay off the internet if I was blind?

What do you mean - blind?The competition was only open to disabled people.

You had to tick a box at the end. I ticked "blind".

I covered me eyes up whilst I was doing it!

You need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

That's not going to be easy.

A white lie never hurt anyone.

It's like your insurance form. Why don't you say you weren't to blame?

That way you won't lose your no-claims bonus.

No, I can't lie.

Who says it's a lie?

Certainly the way your independent witness remembers things, and I have got a photographic memory.

Is that right?

I remember it clearly.

I was out shopping on Wednesday... Thursday. Thursday.

The...fourth...

28th.

28th of...Oct...ember.

When suddenly I saw a BMW series...

Renault. Renault, a big...

Small.

..small blue... Silver. ..silver... a small silver Renault...Clio...

Twingo. ..Twingo racing... Driving.

..driving safely and with due care through the traffic lights on Argyll... Portland.

..Portland Road. Street.

Street. See? It's waterproof.

Tight. Tight!

Shilton, long throw to Wilkins.

Wilkins to Francis, long ball up front.

He's through on goal! Surely... Great tackle by Princes Diana!

Tim, can you tell your girlfriend never to touch these ever again?

Especially with her crappy mugs.

It's the People's Princess!

I don't care - this is our lord, Kevin of Keegan.

The People's Perm.

What'll I write on the insuranceSay the traffic light was amber, not red.

What if it's on CCTV?

Why would it be on kids' television?

There was no cameras. Just write it. Who is your insurer?

Oh, it's not the one with that dog that looks like Winston Churchill, is it? What are they called?

Winston's?

Yeah, that's it, yeah.

Do you reckon in Germany they've got an insurance company called Adolf's?

I doubt it. It's not easy selling something when your opening line is, "Hey Hitler,

"could you save us money on our car insurance?"

Are you going to write amber?

Thinking about it, maybe my independent witness saw a green light.

With amber, there's still room for doubt,

but if I put green, my reputation will be completely untarnished.

Now you're getting it.

Actually, just to really make sure,

is there something...better than green?

What's up with you? I know I'm not exactly Brad Pitt,

but I've never actually made a woman cry when I've entered a room.

Yes, you have.

Apart from blind dates.

And teachers...and breastfeeding mothers.

And women being fitted for wedding dresses.

Yeah, that was quite an afternoon, wasn't it?

I thought you were going to a convention.

I've just been reading your essay.

It's really moving, Lee. I can't believe you wrote all that.

I know, it's hard to believe, isn't it?

And look, if that offer of dinner still stands when I get back, the answer's yes.

Great, that's all I need. Now you're both pretending to be blind.

What?

He's joking, aren't you, Tim?

And no CLAIMS to the contrary.

INSURING my reputation is very important to me.

I hope I'm being... fully comprehensive.

Sounds like blackmail.

It's MORE THAN blackmail.

What's going on?

Just a joke.

I'm saying that you must be blind to go out with him and he must be blind to go out with you,

because obviously... I find you unattractive because...you're my sister.

So well done me for not getting involved... in...incest.

Oh, by the way, this was couriered to you.

Couriered? It means "sent".

This new world must seem frightening to you, but don't worry, I'll be there to guide you.

Labrador-like.

See you Friday.

How can you lie like that?Oh, it's not a complete lie.

I can be literary and articulate when I want to be.

Oh, bloody ball-bags!

What's up? The competition organisers are sending a reporter round to do a story on me.

Shame you're blind. Otherwise you would have seen that one coming.

I can't believe you're going through with this.

Come on, how hard can it be to pretend to be blind for one hour?

You've spent the last year pretending to be paralysed from the wrist down.

Oh, look, a miracle - they're moving again.

Do blind people actually wear blindfolds?

It seems a bit unnecessary.

I'll take it off when they get here. I'm just getting a feel for it. Talking of which...

What are you doing? I do carry Mace, you know.

So that's how you stop them from running off.

I'm reading your face. It's what blind people do.

This reminds me of that video with Lionel Richie.

Yeah, me too. I can feel the moustache.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Quick, they're early! Answer the door!

Hello, I'm here to interview Lee.Oh, yes, come in.

Oh, this is all very exciting. Never actually met a journalist before.

Well, not when there hadn't been a crime committed, anyway.

And even if there has, it wasn't me, not this time - shush, Barbara.

I'm so proud of him, you know, yeah, so talented, so awe-inspiring.

Are you his wife?Don't be disgusting!

I sense visitors, Miss Barbara.

Hello, I'm Dawn.

I'm...I'm here to interview...

Shhh...

Don't tell me, Dawn. You're a woman.

That's right.

Do you mind?

I would say...brown eyes, late 20s, dark hair.

Wow, that's amazing, you sure you're blind?

And black.

Please, let us be seated.

There's biscuits, too, Bourbons and Nice.

He likes to read the name on them, it's like Braille.

The floor could do with a sweep, Barbara. I would do, but

It's really nice to meet you, but I should really get the interview done.

I've got a deadline to meet. Fire away.

Oh, that's very good of you, but I need to speak to the person who wrote the essay.

Sorry? You know, the winner, Lee.

The gentleman in the wheelchair?

Here's the form he filled in.

He's ticked the box for wheelchair user.

Oh, that's ironic, Lee being in a wheelchair, but having to think on his feet.

Lee's my brother. Oh. He's the one in the wheelchair.

He fell out of a coconut tree when he was eight.

Dad had sent him up because we'd run out of milk.

He never forgave himself for not buying that tin of Marvel.

Where was this? Chorley.

They've got coconut trees in Chorley?

It wasn't a real one, it was a lamp-post.

All the kids on the estate used to tie coconuts to it, make the place a bit more tropical.

We even had steel drums.

Well, we had stolen drums.

Oh, I see, how silly of me, you see, I thought you were Lee, and maybe

you'd accidentally ticked the wrong box, you know, with you being...

Oh, yeah, huh! No. That answer would have been far too simple.

So what's your name?

Tim.

And where's Lee?

Oh, is he not here?

Where is he, Barbara?

Oh, he's playing football.

In his wheelchair? Yeah.

He's rubbish.

I didn't notice the downstairs entrance having wheelchair access.

It does if you let him go from the top of the hill.

It must be hard, two brothers, both living with separate disabilities.

Oh, it's nothing. Overcoming adversity runs in the family.

Our dad's got two club feet and our sister's got Tourette's.

It's not easy but you never hear Mum complain. Really?

Yeah, she's mute.

So when will Lee be back?About ten minutes. No, Barbara. Tomorrow.

It's an away match. Well, there's obviously been a bit of a mix up.

I'll come back at the same time then and do the interview, if that's OK? See you, then.

Yeah, see you tomorrow. Well, feel you.

Well, it's not often you're speechless.

Do you get that from your mother's side?

Got the witness form through this morning from the car insurance.

Filled it in exactly how we agreed.

Thanks. That's all right. I'd do anything for you, mate.

"Mate"? Yeah.You don't usually say "mate".

Well, I am trying to phase out "posh bollocks".

I like your shirt, mate. Stop it.What? It's not like I'm saying "darling".

I think I prefer that. "Mate" sounds like you want something.

At least with "darling", it sounds like you want something you're never going to get.

Listen, seriously, I know we don't say these sort of things,

but I just want you to know that when things are going wrong for you, I'm always there.

That's true.

I mean it, Tim. In life, there are times when you need real friends - to help you out.

I just want you to know I consider you that sort of friend.

Thanks, that's really nice, darling...mate.

Here's to true friendship.

To the best friend a bloke could ever have.

Can you pretend to be my disabled brother and spend a couple of hours in a wheelchair?

She's going to be here in five minutes. Try again.

I've told you, don't indicate.

Threatening to ring the insuranceIt's not blackmail.

It's helping out a friend who's in trouble. I scratched your back.

Yeah, a bit too hard. I ended up in a wheelchair.

Now don't forget, who are you?

I'm Lee. And what's your disability?

I have no feelingAnd who am I?

You're Tim, and you have no feeling from the neck up.

I'm not joking.

I know what I'm doing, I've come prepared.

My legs are paralysed due to the loss

of the motor and sensory function caused by a breakdown of the neural mechanism.

Quite possibly exaggerated by a peripheral nerve compression or a form of hyperkalemia.

I am not going to fail because of a silly schoolboy error.

KNOCK ON DOOR I'll get it.

Pretend you didn't see it.

Ah, Dad!

It's Dawn. You must be Lee.

Why, Tim, you didn't tell me she was so attractive, and you wouldn't of course because you're blind.

Just a bit of banter we have, keep the spirits up.

He teases me about being blind, I installed an upstairs toilet.

Have a seat. I'll make some tea.

Tim told me yesterday about your accident, how you ended up in a wheelchair.

Would you mind telling me about it in your own words?

Well, where do you start?

I was playing on a trampoline.

CRASH! Sorry!

Have you been moving that kitchen table from its normal place again, you cheeky monkey?

Sorry to be rude, but can we just have two minutes on our own?

Carry on! No-one likes being interrupted in the middle of a story

about climbing an imaginary coconut tree

that was in fact a lamp-post to fetch coconut milk because their father had run out of Marvel.

So, er...where were we?

I was on a trampoline, and suddenly Father shouted, "Lee, go and climb

"the coconut tree which is in fact a lamp-post and fetch me some coconut milk - I've run out of Marvel."

Wow!

Yeah, it's pretty unbelievable, isn't it?

And how old were you again?Oh, now, erm...was I 23?

CRASH!

Or was I a bit older?SMASH!

I think actually I was a bit younger.

CRASH! Actually, I was a lot younger.

SILENCE That's it, I was a child.

I was a child of ten...SMASH!

nine...CRASH!

eight...SILENCE

Sorry, I just need to get some more cups.

So how do you and Tim get on?

Oh, we're like brothers. We AREYes, we are brothers.

We're like Phil and Gary. Yeah, the Everly Brothers.

Phil and Gary Neville.

Yeah, Phil and Gary, the Neverly Brothers.

I must say, you both seem very positive about your situation.

To be honest, we don't give it a second's thought.

All our friends and family don't see us as blind or disabled.

They see us simply as Lee and Tim.

Sometimes I think they've actually forgotten.

Oh, my God, look at you, you're in a wheelchair! What happened?

It's his girlfriend, Daisy, she's a bit, er...

Come on, Daisy, come in the kitchen, help me clean up some broken cups.

Oh, no, we haven't lost Princess Diana, have we?

See? She forgets.

You're pretending to be blind?

Oh, you're no better than David Blunkett.

He IS blind. Oh, is he?

Oh, I said some terrible things to him when he opened our library.

Daisy, are you going to help me or not?

OK, but don't think I am doing this out of pity just because you're disabled.

Sorry about before.

As Tim explained, I have a sort of amnesia and I never remember anything, ever.

Oh, I've just remembered what I came round for.

You've had a phone call from the car insurance company.

They're not happy about his eyewitness report.

She means earwitness. I can hear a crash from 500 yards and know it was a Renault Clio. Twingo.

Twingo. Listen,

Oh, great, is that it, then? Yes, you'll be pleased

I just need a quick photo.

You can't take a photograph.

Don't be so modest.

Yeah, come on, you're going to be in the paper, and absolutely everybody

in the world is going to see it - how exciting is that?!

OK, enough is enough, this ends now.

Just playing one of our games!

It's bonkers in this house!

I am not dis...ow! Is he OK?

Yeah, he's just worried about this whole car insurance thing.

In fact, I think I'm going to sort it out right now.

Daisy, pass me the phone. I think it's about time I told them everything.

I can't catch it, I'm...

blind.

Wait! You can't do that now!

Why?

Well, we need to get this photo done, don't we?

That's the spirit.

We love each other, really. Go on, then, back in your chair.

What the fuck is going on?!

That's our sister Lucy...

The one with Tourette's?

I cried reading that essay.

I still had to print it off and post it.

Anyone can write an essay. Not everyone can do admin.

Stop. You're not going to go and grass me up, are you? You will go along with it?

You just don't see, do you? Perfect.

No, I'm not going to go along with it.

Fine, I'm not begging.

Get in there and tell the reporter everything. All right, I will.

I'm begging! Do you know what they do to people like me in prison?

But you never pick up soap anyway.

Look, trust me, I've learnt my lesson.

Which is what? Which is...if you're going to pretend to be disabled,

always check the form carefully before you send it. ..That's not it, is it?

The lesson is...it's important to always be truthful and honest.

Now, just pretend I'm blind, Tim's paralysed, Daisy's got amnesia and you've got Tourette's.

Will you at least put it downNo, I'm shy.

Please?

All right then, but be quick.

What about you, Lucy? One of the whole family together?

Oh, no...I wouldn't want to steal the limelight away from these two ARSEHOLES!

Sorry.

I believe my DICKHEAD brother has explained my condition.

Wow, winning a competition, eh?

The things my BASTARD brothers get up to while I'm at work.

I'm so proud of them...WANKERS!

Does your sister manage to hold down a job, then?

Oh, yeah, she's fine - she's Gordon Ramsay's PA.

Well, I'd better get going. It's been an experience meeting you all.

Oh, no, don't go yet, it's time for our game.

Why don't you tell Dawn what it's called?

Kerplunk? Wrong.

Bastard Kerplunk?

You remember, it's called spatial awareness.

Remind me of the rules again.

You know, I take an object

and throw it towards you, and you try and catch it.

That's impossible, surely?

Well! Not completely impossible.

Yeah, but very, very, very unlikely.

Catch!

SMASH!

Which one was that?

Trevor. Brooking or Francis?

Brooking. That's not too bad.

SMASH! That one was Francis.

Oh, I love this game, you...

This looks fun! Can I have a go?

Oh, for f...

Remember how important these mugs are to me, Daisy.

Of course I don't remember - I've got amnesia.

Shilton, Peter.

SMASH!

Wilkins, Ray.

SMASH!

Spencer, Diana.

SMASH!

Oh.

And finally...Keegan, Kevin!

Hang on. That's the really rare one.

Then you'll have to try really, really hard on this one, won't you?

I mean, how much do you really, really want this?

Catch!

SLOWED DOWN: Kevin...!

Howzat?!

Something about the permed hair that gives it more grip.

Hello. I'm from the insurance company dealing with a Mr Tim Adams.

I'm looking for a gentleman by the name of Lee, who claimed to have witnessed the car accident.

Actually, I'm Lee.

Oh, yeah. That's right,

SMASH!

Well, that all went pretty smoothly.

Did you do what I said and give that prize money to charity?

Yeah. Although getting that giant cheque in the post box wasn't easy.

Which charity did you choose?

Shelter. If they can't cash it, at least they can use it as a roof.

How's Tim?

Devastated. He's lost his no-claims bonus,

and they're saying they won't insure him again, what with him being blind.

Did he try Churchill's? Oh...yes.

And what did they say?Oh...no.

Still, a bit of good news.

I actually kept a bit of that money back, so I can still take you for that meal.

Don't worry, I know it's a posh place, but you'll be all right,

especially now you've got rid of your Tourette's.

You know what, Lee, sometimes you really are an absolute...

♪ Not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

We are not going out.

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