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1
00:00:04,482 --> 00:00:04,700
.
2
00:00:04,743 --> 00:00:06,397
- Bags open, IDs out!
3
00:00:06,441 --> 00:00:08,443
- Asian men are having
a moment.
4
00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:12,055
"Parasite," K-pop, Bruno Mars,
maybe.
5
00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:13,665
It's time for yours, Tommy.
6
00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:15,189
- Bags open, IDs out!
7
00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:19,889
- Am I being carded?
8
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:20,977
[scanner beeps]
9
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,240
- Keep the line moving, please.
10
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,071
- Are you wearing "White
Nirvana" by the Olsen twins?
11
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,420
[scanner beeps]
- Next!
12
00:00:29,464 --> 00:00:30,682
- Were you a C-section birth?
13
00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:32,162
'Cause your head shape
is, like, perfect.
14
00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,121
- Next!
[scanner beeps]
15
00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:38,212
- I see you, son.
- No thank you, Bernard.
16
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:41,215
[upbeat music]
17
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:47,351
♪
18
00:00:50,398 --> 00:00:51,399
- How do you even know
Nestor's gay?
19
00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:53,140
It's impossible to tell in LA.
20
00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:54,445
- His eyebrows are threaded,
and he smells
21
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:56,360
like sugar-free Red Bull
and fog machines.
22
00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:58,188
But he just checks my ID
and says nothing.
23
00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,668
I can't even get him
to look at me.
24
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,887
- Well, here's your problem.
This picture is awful.
25
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:03,193
Are you missing a tooth?
26
00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:04,760
- It's a blueberry skin,
27
00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:06,936
and those hives on my neck
are from my blueberry allergy.
28
00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:08,590
- Morning team,
how is everyone?
29
00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:10,635
- Well, turns out my dad's
calcium deposit
30
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:11,897
was not calcium.
31
00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:13,725
- Rhetorical, Jayden.
- Good morning, sir!
32
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,727
To save paper, the printout
in front of you lists
33
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:18,078
the parts of LA
that are currently not on fire.
34
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:19,383
- Oh, smart!
35
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:21,037
- Now, this morning
you're heading to Venice
36
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,692
for the rollout of our free
helmet sharing program
37
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,128
for electric scooters.
38
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,173
[applause]
39
00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:27,696
- Well, protecting humans
40
00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:29,741
would not have been
my choice, sir.
41
00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:31,917
Not when the number one cause
of wildlife death
42
00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:35,182
is heart attacks from humans
posing for pictures with them.
43
00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:37,009
- I don't think
that's true, Arpi.
44
00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:38,141
- It feels true, sir.
45
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:39,273
- Moving on.
46
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:42,145
The Dodgers have invited
the Mayor
47
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:44,147
to throw out
the first pitch tomorrow.
48
00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:45,975
- Oh!
That sounds like a hoot!
49
00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:47,629
- A hoot indeed, sir.
50
00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:49,674
But I'd strongly suggest
you decline.
51
00:01:49,718 --> 00:01:51,154
- Are you crazy?
What, you don't want to see
52
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,156
this guy in baseball pants
eating a hot dog?
53
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,897
- Yeah, the Mayor
can't say no to baseball.
54
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,246
It's America's pastime.
55
00:01:56,290 --> 00:01:57,508
- But there's zero upside
to this.
56
00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,249
Throwing a first pitch
is like being a mom.
57
00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:01,469
If you do a good job,
no one notices or cares.
58
00:02:01,512 --> 00:02:03,166
- Well, that is true.
You only hear
59
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,168
about first pitches
when they go really bad.
60
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:08,215
And then you're like, "Oh, no,
is 50 Cent gonna die soon?"
61
00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:09,912
- Okay, I see
what's going on here.
62
00:02:09,955 --> 00:02:12,262
You all think I'm too old.
- That's not true, sir.
63
00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:14,264
If you were a baby,
I'd say the same thing.
64
00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:17,789
- You tell the Dodgers
I'll be there.
65
00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:20,879
- Sir, we still have, like,
20 more items to go over.
66
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:23,969
- I know.
Morning!
67
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:27,147
Thank you all for coming out
to help us kick off "SafeLA."
68
00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:31,673
Now, I know a bunch of you
independent thinkers wouldn't--
69
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:34,371
[laughs]
Wouldn't even wear masks.
70
00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:36,982
But what about helmets?
It's simple.
71
00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:41,726
Download our free helmet
sharing app, "SafeLA."
72
00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:45,208
Use the map feature
to locate a helmet.
73
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:50,518
Now you're ready to enter
the unique 14-digit code
74
00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:53,608
that releases
the helmet's security cover.
75
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:56,611
You then have 20 seconds
to--are you kidding me?
76
00:02:56,654 --> 00:02:58,482
Couldn't we just put them
in a bin or something?
77
00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:00,223
- [laughs] I don't know.
- Okay, all right.
78
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:04,706
Anyway, "SafeLA,
keeping LA safe."
79
00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:06,795
- Mr. Mayor, can we get
a picture on the scooter?
80
00:03:06,838 --> 00:03:08,144
- You know what?
I'm having too good a hair day.
81
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,537
I'm going to have my
comms director
82
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,756
Jayden Kwapis model it for me.
83
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,541
Hey-o!
84
00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:16,457
- Wow!
What a throw, sir!
85
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:19,286
- Yeah, well, there'll be
plenty more of that tomorrow
86
00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:21,288
at Dodger Stadium.
- You mean throwing?
87
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,811
Yeah, it's a professional
baseball game.
88
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,073
It's what they do.
89
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,380
- No, there'll be plenty
more of me throwing.
90
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,686
I'm throwing out
the first pitch tomorrow.
91
00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:30,993
- And it'll be so good,
he's gonna get hired.
92
00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:33,909
And then he'll be
the first mayor baseball man!
93
00:03:33,952 --> 00:03:36,041
[laughs]
Blastoff!
94
00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:39,958
[laughing]
95
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:41,699
I don't know how to do brakes!
96
00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:46,269
Remember me!
My legacy is my kindness!
97
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:49,098
- Hello, good morning.
98
00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:51,231
I need a new ID photo, please.
99
00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:53,450
- Sorry, no retakes.
Next!
100
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:56,236
- I love rules.
No rules is chaos.
101
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,933
That's why I hate
Outback Steakhouse.
102
00:03:57,976 --> 00:03:59,717
But this is an emergency.
103
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:02,720
- 61,000 people work
for the city of Los Angeles.
104
00:04:02,764 --> 00:04:04,635
Most of them
hate their ID photo.
105
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:07,159
If I let you retake yours,
the floodgates open,
106
00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:10,511
the system's overwhelmed,
the city grinds to a halt,
107
00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:12,382
and I'd have to work till 6:00.
108
00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:15,037
- Look, I get it.
109
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,169
Daniela.
Beautiful name.
110
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:18,301
Does it come from
a romance novel
111
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:19,868
by the register
at a grocery store?
112
00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:21,435
- Read the sign, sir.
113
00:04:23,001 --> 00:04:26,309
- "Talk to the rosé"?
What does that even mean?
114
00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:28,790
- "No retakes.
Stop asking."
115
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,966
Next!
116
00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:34,361
[phone rings]
117
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:35,971
- Jayden Kwapis,
if I sound out of breath
118
00:04:36,014 --> 00:04:37,581
it's because I have
a treadmill desk.
119
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:38,713
- Hi, this is Emily Biyata.
120
00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:39,844
I'm calling from the Dodgers
121
00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:41,281
to coordinate
the Mayor's visit.
122
00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:42,673
- Oh, great!
So for the green room,
123
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:44,240
what are
we thinking platter-wise?
124
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,286
Shrimp and ham, or?
125
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:47,852
- [laughs]
Look, Jayden.
126
00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:51,508
I'm in PR
so, obviously, I Googled you.
127
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,902
- Yes, I'm garbage
disposal ponytail guy.
128
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:56,034
So what, okay?
We've all moved on.
129
00:04:56,078 --> 00:04:58,863
- No, I mean the scooter event.
You look good in a bike helmet.
130
00:04:58,907 --> 00:04:59,995
- Me?
Good?
131
00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:02,650
[laughs]
132
00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:06,567
Sorry, I'm laughing
because someone is tickling me.
133
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,656
Dad, stop it!
I'm your son!
134
00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:10,658
- I hope you're coming
to the game.
135
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:12,877
I'd love to meet you in person.
136
00:05:12,921 --> 00:05:15,967
- [quietly]
I'd... like that.
137
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:19,449
Sorry, excuse me.
My dad's strangling me now.
138
00:05:19,493 --> 00:05:20,972
Dad, this is a workplace!
139
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:22,844
.
140
00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:24,541
- Hey, you need to get me
a new ID.
141
00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:25,412
- What, because of Nestor?
142
00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:26,630
He has weird ears
143
00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:28,415
and he's always, like,
looking in my bag.
144
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:29,764
- He's a security guard.
145
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,592
Look, Mikaela, you and I
basically live at work,
146
00:05:31,635 --> 00:05:34,072
so I did the math--which
only I can say 'cause racism,
147
00:05:34,116 --> 00:05:36,292
and time is not on our side.
148
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,425
Especially for one of us,
who's much older than me.
149
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:39,861
- By seven months.
150
00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:42,298
- Statistically, we should be
married by age 29.5
151
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,735
and I'll need at least a year
for my mom to lose the weight.
152
00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:46,433
- What you saying, Tommy?
153
00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,913
- We are going to meet
our spouses in this building.
154
00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:50,611
- No!
Here?
155
00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:51,960
[gasps]
156
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:55,442
[suspenseful music]
157
00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:56,921
- [kissing noises]
158
00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:58,923
- The pool is too small.
159
00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:01,012
I don't want to be a stepmom
to a possum.
160
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,450
- It's a sugar glider, idiot.
161
00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:05,321
- How are we supposed to meet
anyone here?
162
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,758
- Ugh, I remember being single.
163
00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:10,021
Bread always going bad
before you could finish it.
164
00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:11,849
Waking up every day
with only one side
165
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,851
of the bed covered in sweat.
166
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:15,984
But, now I have Emily.
167
00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:19,422
She works for the Dodgers,
and her hair sounds red.
168
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:21,642
- Jayden can't find love
before us.
169
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:24,471
Did you buy a monkey's paw?
What is happening?
170
00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:26,951
Come on, you need a new picture
and I am gonna
171
00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:29,476
beat this building
till the candy comes out.
172
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:32,435
- Over lunch, I was watching
some old Nolan Ryan videos
173
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:35,220
and a Shonda Rhimes
master class on pitching.
174
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:37,309
It wasn't what
I thought it was, but...
175
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,834
did you know she wanted
"Grey's Anatomy"
176
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,226
to be called "Surgeons"?
177
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,793
That wouldn't have worked,
Jayden!
178
00:06:42,837 --> 00:06:44,534
- 12 seasons, tops!
- [laughs]
179
00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:45,927
Anyway, so for tomorrow
180
00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:47,885
I'm thinking a fastball,
right over the old middle.
181
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:51,411
- Okay, I've got your next
public safety initiative, sir.
182
00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:54,152
Do you know how many area
scuba divers
183
00:06:54,196 --> 00:06:56,807
get accidentally scooped up
and dumped on wildfires?
184
00:06:56,851 --> 00:07:00,507
No one does, because
"Big Scuba" is covering it up.
185
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,944
- Arpi, can this wait
until later?
186
00:07:02,987 --> 00:07:04,380
I'm in the middle
of something here.
187
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,514
- Oh, you're practicing
your pitch?
188
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:10,038
Good idea.
I'll leave you to it.
189
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:12,475
- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
190
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,608
I know how much you love
to see me fail,
191
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:16,044
so I'm a little suspicious
192
00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:19,090
whenever you say something
I'm doing is a good idea.
193
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,614
- Fair enough.
This is not a good idea.
194
00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:21,963
You're gonna hurt yourself.
195
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,660
- I am not.
I'm an athlete.
196
00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:25,445
I ran the LA Marathon
197
00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:28,230
with no bleeding
or bathroom emergencies.
198
00:07:28,273 --> 00:07:30,058
- You know when I run,
my heart screams.
199
00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:31,886
- And when was that?
- I'll never forget.
200
00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:35,455
The celebrity starter was
the "Where's the Beef?" lady.
201
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:36,978
- Wow.
202
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:39,894
- Okay, yeah,
that was, what, 1985?
203
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:43,201
I'll be fine by tomorrow.
I've got 24 hours to work out.
204
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:45,377
I'll do some long toss,
205
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:48,163
some kettlebells,
that thing with the tire.
206
00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:49,643
- You're delusional, sir.
207
00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:52,646
For the over-60 body,
there is no working out.
208
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,256
There is only preservation.
209
00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:57,477
Eating antioxidant-rich
Himalayan nut butters,
210
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,132
soaking in a cold pool
at your local Y-They-CA,
211
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:05,136
taking NCIS-brand
glucosamine gummies.
212
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:09,271
- How are you supposed to tell
it's shaped like Mark Harmon?
213
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:10,751
He's not specific enough.
214
00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:13,014
- Would you care to know
how I recently danced all night
215
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,537
at my nephew Telvin's wedding
216
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:17,061
to his girlfriend Lisa
and her partner Tawny?
217
00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:18,454
- How, Arpi?
218
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,152
- By not even standing up
the whole week prior.
219
00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:24,460
I was either in my bed, pow...
or a cold bath.
220
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,722
- And if you didn't stand up,
221
00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,855
how'd you get from the bed
to your bathroom?
222
00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:29,944
- Child's pose
on a Roomba, sir.
223
00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:31,859
- [laughs]
Thank you for that story,
224
00:08:31,902 --> 00:08:33,600
Arpi, but I'm gonna be fine.
225
00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:36,385
- Well... your funeral.
226
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:39,649
- Funeral?
Nuh-uh!
227
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:41,738
Tomorrow will be the opposite!
It'll be--
228
00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,871
it'll be a birth
because everyone's gonna say
229
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:45,481
that I'm a miracle,
230
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,527
and they're gonna give me
a free hat!
231
00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:48,963
- Absolutely not.
232
00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:50,268
- But all we're asking for
233
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:52,749
is a new ID photo for him,
and for me, a list
234
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,577
of all the unmarried men
who work in this building
235
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:56,274
as well as any men married
over seven years
236
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:57,972
'cause that's when
things get shaky.
237
00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,539
- The answer is no.
238
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,105
And don't bother
going over my head
239
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,412
because I have a sex tape
of my supervisor.
240
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:05,327
- Please!
I work 18-hour days
241
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:08,069
and my Grindr profile got
shut down for quoting Reagan!
242
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,984
- Next!
243
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,463
- Why are you like this?
244
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,161
- Because of people like you.
245
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,772
I've worked here for 30 years,
and the only time anyone's paid
246
00:09:15,816 --> 00:09:18,340
any attention to me
is when they want something.
247
00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,647
"Oh, I don't like my picture."
248
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:24,259
"Oh, I'm horny, I want to do
the whole building."
249
00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,043
- Why is my voice deeper?
- That is a good Mikaela.
250
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,784
- I come in every day
and do my job,
251
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:29,090
and no one gives a damn!
252
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,005
No one appreciates me.
253
00:09:31,048 --> 00:09:34,835
But Barb in maintenance
gets an Applebee's gift card
254
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,402
for her 15th work-iversary!
255
00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,448
- Look, we all hate Barb--
- No, you're right.
256
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:40,449
We're sorry.
- What? No!
257
00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:41,842
- Bye-bye.
- Stop it.
258
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:43,495
Your hands are greasy
and this is Armami.
259
00:09:43,539 --> 00:09:45,454
- Did you say "Armami"?
- Maybe.
260
00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:46,716
- Sir?
261
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,196
Arpi here.
262
00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:49,676
It's later, like you said,
263
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:53,157
so can we talk about my scuba
diver safety initiative?
264
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:56,160
I think I found one
who got dumped on a fire.
265
00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:58,380
His name was Henry Totts.
266
00:09:58,423 --> 00:10:01,122
His teeth and a tank were found
on a Montecito hillside.
267
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,819
Sir?
268
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:05,169
- Over here.
269
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,653
Don't gloat.
270
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,089
- Too late.
271
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:13,395
[Austrian accent]
What'd you do, Arnold?
272
00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:16,659
Bench too much press?
Max out on supersets?
273
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:19,314
- I sneezed
and threw my back out.
274
00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:22,404
I've been lying here
for an hour with that guy
275
00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:26,103
staring down at me,
whispering, "Join me in death."
276
00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:30,151
- That is Alpheus P. Hodges,
first mayor of Los Angeles.
277
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:32,196
He was also the very
first person to complain
278
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,068
that there's no good pizza
out here.
279
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,983
- [groans]
280
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:38,550
- Do you know how easily
I could kill you right now?
281
00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:42,206
I'm just saying, you're in
no condition to throw anything.
282
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,730
I'll tell Mikaela to cancel.
283
00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:46,428
- No, I have to do this.
- No, you don't!
284
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:47,908
No one will even notice
if you cancel.
285
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,736
We'll just say you're doing
something with the troops.
286
00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:51,651
It's like a period;
it gets you out of anything.
287
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:54,697
- No, I--I have to do this
for me.
288
00:10:57,134 --> 00:11:00,094
My grandfather, Felix Bremer,
289
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:02,618
he was a pickle salesman.
290
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,316
Have you ever tried to lift
a barrel of pickles, Arpi?
291
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,754
Let alone carry one up
a flight of tenement stairs
292
00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:11,366
only to be told,
"We don't care for pickles"?
293
00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:14,238
Even in his 70s,
he never left a room
294
00:11:14,282 --> 00:11:17,328
without clicking his heels
as if to say,
295
00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:19,200
"I still got it."
296
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,289
And then one day,
he put his hat on,
297
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:22,986
and he walked out
the front parlor,
298
00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:26,033
and he couldn't do it.
299
00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:28,775
Couldn't click his heels.
300
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:31,734
In that moment, he died.
301
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,780
And then three months later,
he really died
302
00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:35,738
riding "The Cyclone"
on Coney Island.
303
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,784
It just shot him
right into the ocean.
304
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:40,003
He was only 74.
305
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:41,439
Two years older than me.
306
00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:44,138
If I can't throw
a damn baseball,
307
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:45,879
that's my heel click.
308
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:50,318
- Well, I can relate
to the horrors of aging.
309
00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,059
I'm starting to look
more and more
310
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,800
like my father in a wig.
- [laughs]
311
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,715
- And Lord knows
I'm not rooting for you,
312
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:58,805
but I don't need you
humiliating the office.
313
00:11:58,848 --> 00:12:02,199
A position once held
by that man.
314
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:04,114
The inventor
of the beach party.
315
00:12:04,158 --> 00:12:06,769
- Then help me.
Arpi, please.
316
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,118
- All right!
317
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:10,425
We're gonna need
a cold pool, stat.
318
00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:13,341
My Y has an ADHD
teen swim right now,
319
00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:14,734
but I know the receptionist.
320
00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:18,128
- I'm not going to a Y.
My own home has a pool.
321
00:12:18,172 --> 00:12:19,695
We'll use--what are you doing?
322
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,349
- Okay, we just need
to get you to the car.
323
00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:22,654
- [groans]
324
00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:24,308
- Sir, do you have a Roomba?
325
00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:25,919
.
326
00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:27,616
- Not so fast, not so fast.
327
00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:29,618
- Ugh!
This place makes me sick.
328
00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:31,663
The 1% and their castles.
329
00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:34,405
- 0.01%, Arpi.
330
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:35,972
I'm not a lawyer or something.
331
00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:38,061
- All right, money bags.
332
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,368
Let's get you ready
for your stupid pitch.
333
00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:43,414
[Survivor's
"Eye of the Tiger"]
334
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,329
♪
335
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:46,896
[whistle]
336
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:49,203
Stiller!
Less motion!
337
00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:52,293
♪
338
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:54,817
Good, again!
339
00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,514
Open.
340
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:58,821
♪
341
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:00,170
Do not chew.
342
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,216
Let Michael Weatherly dissolve.
343
00:13:02,259 --> 00:13:03,783
Meditate!
344
00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:06,133
Do not judge
that you are having thoughts.
345
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:09,658
Simply acknowledge them
and let them pass!
346
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,268
♪
347
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:12,574
Again!
348
00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:14,141
- Yeah, this girl saw
a modeling photo of me
349
00:13:14,184 --> 00:13:15,490
on a scooter
and she was like,
350
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,361
"I need to get all up
under that helmet."
351
00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:18,754
[laughs]
352
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,278
So we're gonna go out later
to a baseball game.
353
00:13:21,322 --> 00:13:22,845
Which is dangerous.
354
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:25,195
'Cause all those bases are
just begging to be gotten to.
355
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:27,632
But it's a first date, so I
doubt she'll bring her parents.
356
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:30,113
She'll probably just bring
some uncles, you know?
357
00:13:30,157 --> 00:13:32,159
Hey, what's up, Barry?
- Hello.
358
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,856
- What are you doing
striding in?
359
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,379
Is that a spring in your step?
360
00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:37,033
- You did it, Arpi.
I feel great!
361
00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:39,166
- I didn't do anything!
Not yet.
362
00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:40,863
Now drop and give me nothing!
363
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:43,431
- Okay.
364
00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:45,868
- [clears throat]
Mayor, they're all ready
365
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:47,565
for you in the briefing room.
366
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:48,871
- What?
Who is?
367
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:50,525
- Oh, no.
Did you forget?
368
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:53,049
You have a lot going on
for someone your age.
369
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:54,355
- It's all right, sir.
I remember when my Lola
370
00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:56,226
started putting shoes
in the refrigerator.
371
00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:58,750
- Today is the recognition
ceremony for employees
372
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:01,579
who have worked at City Hall
for 30 years or longer?
373
00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:03,799
- No, of course I--of course
I remember.
374
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,758
I've got a mind like a steel--
375
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:10,414
what's that thing
that catches rats?
376
00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:11,459
Tornk.
377
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:14,897
Yep--no, no.
Snatcher.
378
00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,421
Yeah, I got a mind
like a steel snatcher.
379
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:18,727
- I prepared some remarks
380
00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:20,076
for you
as we discussed yesterday.
381
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,123
- I know!
Very productive day, Tommy.
382
00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:25,560
Oh, yeah, this is good.
383
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:30,260
"30 years ago,
Daniela, the ID badge lady,
384
00:14:30,304 --> 00:14:32,915
"came to City Hall
with a dream.
385
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:36,136
"A dream of photographing
employees
386
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:38,790
"and then printing out
IDs for them.
387
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,357
And boy, did she ever!"
388
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:42,533
- Her computer logs out
in 30 seconds, move!
389
00:14:42,577 --> 00:14:44,274
- I'm actually more motivated
by compliments,
390
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:45,928
so you might want
to adjust your tone.
391
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:48,583
- "Daniela was born
in the 20th century.
392
00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:51,412
"The century that brought us
The Rolling Stones,
393
00:14:51,455 --> 00:14:56,025
"the Roaring '20s,
low rise jeans, the hula hoop,
394
00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:58,723
"flip phones,
and way before that...
395
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:00,116
"regular phones.
396
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,032
"From the Menendez brothers
to the Williams sisters,
397
00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:06,296
"we'll proof it later,
just print it, Tommy.
398
00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:09,038
Or should we write more
just to be safe?"
399
00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:11,954
[upbeat music]
400
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,696
- Male, unmarried.
401
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:16,176
- Classic or bad boy?
402
00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:18,613
- They look the same!
- One has a finer gauge check!
403
00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:19,919
- "But Daniela is so much more
404
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,965
"than just the girl version...
405
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,401
of Daniel."
406
00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:25,837
- This thing is so slow!
407
00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:27,448
- Red carpet Bob Iger!
408
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:30,451
Prince Harry
wasn't expecting you.
409
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,409
Naughty Mitt Romney.
410
00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:35,369
- "So now let's enjoy
a visual tribute--"
411
00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:36,326
Oh, great!
412
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:39,851
"To Daniela's phenomenal
career."
413
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,941
Look at you, Daniela.
414
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,681
♪
415
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:46,423
- Oh, they're all stunning but
they tell different stories!
416
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:47,685
- Just pick one!
417
00:15:47,729 --> 00:15:49,296
- "Which is why today,
418
00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:54,736
ID stands
for 'Incredible Daniela.'"
419
00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:56,868
♪
420
00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:58,479
[applause]
421
00:15:58,522 --> 00:15:59,871
[laughs]
Enjoy!
422
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:01,917
♪
423
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,006
- Tommy!
- It's printing!
424
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:06,966
[tense music]
425
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:11,448
♪
426
00:16:11,492 --> 00:16:12,884
- Okay, where do we go?
- I don't know!
427
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:18,064
♪
428
00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:31,642
- [chuckles]
429
00:16:38,432 --> 00:16:39,476
Next!
430
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:41,696
.
431
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:43,480
- Jayden?
432
00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:45,352
It's Emily.
- Emily, hi!
433
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:48,181
- Hi!
[both laughing]
434
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:49,704
- You're even cuter in person.
435
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:51,271
- So are you.
- Oh!
436
00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:53,360
- I Googled you back.
I guess that elderly woman
437
00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:55,536
in Van Nuys
with your name isn't you.
438
00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:56,841
I'll probably still be
a gentleman
439
00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:58,365
and take her to the audiologist
on Thursday,
440
00:16:58,408 --> 00:16:59,627
but just as friends.
441
00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:01,368
[both laughing]
442
00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,630
- Wasn't kidding.
443
00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:04,023
- Oh, are you ready, Mr. Mayor?
444
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,894
- Oh, he's ready, all right.
If he were a turkey,
445
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,679
he'd be golden brown
and slick with juices.
446
00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:09,898
- Mikaela?
- Sir,
447
00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:12,901
we have an issue with SafeLA.
448
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,859
There's a citywide
lice outbreak
449
00:17:14,903 --> 00:17:17,993
and the Health Department has
traced it back to our helmets.
450
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,386
- Lice?
451
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,170
Okay, I guess
452
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:23,738
the city can provide
medicated shampoo for anyone--
453
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:26,871
- It's not that simple, sir.
It's causing accidents.
454
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,874
- Sir, this is as bad
as it is hilarious.
455
00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:33,095
- Also, it turns out "Safela"
is a pretty problematic
456
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:36,403
Latin drag queen,
so the hashtag is messy.
457
00:17:36,446 --> 00:17:39,623
Now Twitter is riled up and
the "LA Times" is calling.
458
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:42,104
- So, in other words,
my first safety initiative
459
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:44,933
has caused a, what,
Scooter-pocalypse?
460
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:47,109
- The good news is, we actually
could distract people
461
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,068
from this story if...
462
00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:52,114
you throw a truly
terrible pitch.
463
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:53,768
- What?
No!
464
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:56,118
No, I'm not gonna do that.
That's ridiculous.
465
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:57,728
- She wants you to biff
the pitch?
466
00:17:57,772 --> 00:17:59,426
Smart.
A humiliating throw
467
00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:01,123
will distract
the sheep for sure.
468
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:04,126
- Or, what if I threw out
the best first pitch ever,
469
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,955
and then everyone will be
talking about how cool it was.
470
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:08,696
- Right, 'cause that's how
the internet,
471
00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:10,437
local news,
and human nature work.
472
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,569
Celebrating the good in us all.
Grow up!
473
00:18:12,613 --> 00:18:15,790
- I don't want to look old
and weak.
474
00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,618
I don't want to be
Felix Bremer.
475
00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:20,273
- Sir, no one is saying
this has to be weak.
476
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:23,972
It just has to be, in some way,
extremely incorrect.
477
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,713
- What about, you know,
the office?
478
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,584
- I'm not asking you
to humiliate the office.
479
00:18:27,628 --> 00:18:30,892
I'm asking you to humiliate...
480
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:37,768
Someone.
481
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:39,161
- I started
getting super itchy
482
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:41,424
ever since I went
in that IKEA ball pit.
483
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:43,034
You ever been in one?
It's fun.
484
00:18:43,078 --> 00:18:44,340
[both chuckle]
485
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:46,386
- Smell weird, but they're fun.
486
00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:47,735
- Your attention, please.
487
00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:49,867
Throwing out today's
first pitch,
488
00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:55,830
the 43rd Mayor of Los Angeles,
Mayor Neil Bremer!
489
00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:57,310
[cheers and applause]
490
00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:58,702
- [laughs]
491
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:03,794
So later on,
I'm thinking maybe Popeyes?
492
00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,970
Or we could watch a different
cartoon if you want.
493
00:19:06,014 --> 00:19:06,884
- Okay.
494
00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:08,190
- [giggles]
Okay, all right!
495
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:09,148
- All right!
496
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:13,326
[suspenseful music]
497
00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:15,328
[Jayden giggles]
498
00:19:15,371 --> 00:19:17,156
- Sorry, pal.
499
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,767
- He looks so good.
- I know, he is a natural.
500
00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:21,986
- Oh!
[crowd cheering]
501
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:23,510
Oh, my area!
502
00:19:23,553 --> 00:19:26,774
[Jayden coughing and wheezing]
503
00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:29,255
- Now that's how you
make an omelet.
504
00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:31,300
- Jayden, are you okay?
- Get away from me!
505
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:32,736
Call my pediatrician!
506
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:36,566
[Jayden coughing and wheezing]
507
00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:41,354
[Survivor's
"Eye of the Tiger"]
508
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:48,361
♪
509
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,189
- Oooh.
510
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:53,670
Oh.
511
00:19:53,714 --> 00:19:54,628
[scanner beeps]
512
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:55,846
Next!
513
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:02,636
- Well, I overshot it.
514
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:04,855
- Damn, Gina!
515
00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:08,729
Yeah, this is not the burger
they show in the ad.
516
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:09,904
- I'm gonna die alone.
517
00:20:09,947 --> 00:20:11,688
Like a dog lost
in a Kardashian house.
518
00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:13,168
- Well, we can share a casket.
519
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,996
I went through this whole thing
last night.
520
00:20:15,039 --> 00:20:17,041
The top three straight
bachelors in City Hall
521
00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:19,740
are Neil, Jayden,
and sugar glider guy.
522
00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:22,264
- Sorry, but I'm married
to my hobby--
523
00:20:22,308 --> 00:20:26,964
posing sugar gliders
in dioramas of old Hollywood.
524
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:31,012
- Why are our lives so much
harder than other people's?
525
00:20:31,055 --> 00:20:33,754
- Morning, Jayden.
- Not great, to be honest.
526
00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:35,538
Emily won't respond to any
of the Mark McGrath
527
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:37,061
cameos I got for her.
528
00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:39,150
And the insurance company
won't pay for my vaginal mesh
529
00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:40,630
because I'm a boy!
530
00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:42,284
But that's just
what they call it!
531
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,286
No foolin', mesh is mesh!
532
00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:50,118
- I'm glad you work here,
buddy.
533
00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:51,641
Wait, do you still have lice?
534
00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:55,993
- It was a penis hospital,
not a hair hospital, Mikaela!
535
00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:00,737
- Oh, whoa!
536
00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:01,956
Oh!
537
00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:04,088
I think it went inside.
538
00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,829
Make me sneeze
so it pops out again!
539
00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:08,310
Oh, God exists and he's mean!
540
00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:10,094
Call my mommy!
541
00:21:10,138 --> 00:21:11,966
She's in my phone under "aunt"
542
00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:13,881
'cause I just found out
the truth last week.
543
00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:16,710
Way to protect me from nothing,
Superman unterhose!
544
00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:18,146
Oh, peepee concussion!
545
00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:20,583
This is not how best friends
treat each other!
546
00:21:20,627 --> 00:21:23,238
I broke my penis
at Dodger Stadium!
547
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,284
- Good night, everybody.
Good night.
37729
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