Original subtitles

.

- Bags open, IDs out!

- Asian men are having a moment.

"Parasite," K-pop, Bruno Mars, maybe.

It's time for yours, Tommy.

- Bags open, IDs out!

- Am I being carded?

[scanner beeps]

- Keep the line moving, please.

- Are you wearing "White Nirvana" by the Olsen twins?

[scanner beeps] - Next!

- Were you a C-section birth?

'Cause your head shape is, like, perfect.

- Next! [scanner beeps]

- I see you, son. - No thank you, Bernard.

[upbeat music]

♪

- How do you even know Nestor's gay?

It's impossible to tell in LA.

- His eyebrows are threaded, and he smells

like sugar-free Red Bull and fog machines.

But he just checks my ID and says nothing.

I can't even get him to look at me.

- Well, here's your problem. This picture is awful.

Are you missing a tooth?

- It's a blueberry skin,

and those hives on my neck are from my blueberry allergy.

- Morning team, how is everyone?

- Well, turns out my dad's calcium deposit

was not calcium.

- Rhetorical, Jayden. - Good morning, sir!

To save paper, the printout in front of you lists

the parts of LA that are currently not on fire.

- Oh, smart!

- Now, this morning you're heading to Venice

for the rollout of our free helmet sharing program

for electric scooters.

[applause]

- Well, protecting humans

would not have been my choice, sir.

Not when the number one cause of wildlife death

is heart attacks from humans posing for pictures with them.

- I don't think that's true, Arpi.

- It feels true, sir.

- Moving on.

The Dodgers have invited the Mayor

to throw out the first pitch tomorrow.

- Oh! That sounds like a hoot!

- A hoot indeed, sir.

But I'd strongly suggest you decline.

- Are you crazy? What, you don't want to see

this guy in baseball pants eating a hot dog?

- Yeah, the Mayor can't say no to baseball.

It's America's pastime.

- But there's zero upside to this.

Throwing a first pitch is like being a mom.

If you do a good job, no one notices or cares.

- Well, that is true. You only hear

about first pitches when they go really bad.

And then you're like, "Oh, no, is 50 Cent gonna die soon?"

- Okay, I see what's going on here.

You all think I'm too old. - That's not true, sir.

If you were a baby, I'd say the same thing.

- You tell the Dodgers I'll be there.

- Sir, we still have, like, 20 more items to go over.

- I know. Morning!

Thank you all for coming out to help us kick off "SafeLA."

Now, I know a bunch of you independent thinkers wouldn't--

[laughs] Wouldn't even wear masks.

But what about helmets? It's simple.

Download our free helmet sharing app, "SafeLA."

Use the map feature to locate a helmet.

Now you're ready to enter the unique 14-digit code

that releases the helmet's security cover.

You then have 20 seconds to--are you kidding me?

Couldn't we just put them in a bin or something?

- [laughs] I don't know. - Okay, all right.

Anyway, "SafeLA, keeping LA safe."

- Mr. Mayor, can we get a picture on the scooter?

- You know what? I'm having too good a hair day.

I'm going to have my comms director

Jayden Kwapis model it for me.

Hey-o!

- Wow! What a throw, sir!

- Yeah, well, there'll be plenty more of that tomorrow

at Dodger Stadium. - You mean throwing?

Yeah, it's a professional baseball game.

It's what they do.

- No, there'll be plenty more of me throwing.

I'm throwing out the first pitch tomorrow.

- And it'll be so good, he's gonna get hired.

And then he'll be the first mayor baseball man!

[laughs] Blastoff!

[laughing]

I don't know how to do brakes!

Remember me! My legacy is my kindness!

- Hello, good morning.

I need a new ID photo, please.

- Sorry, no retakes. Next!

- I love rules. No rules is chaos.

That's why I hate Outback Steakhouse.

But this is an emergency.

- 61,000 people work for the city of Los Angeles.

Most of them hate their ID photo.

If I let you retake yours, the floodgates open,

the system's overwhelmed, the city grinds to a halt,

and I'd have to work till 6:00.

- Look, I get it.

Daniela. Beautiful name.

Does it come from a romance novel

by the register at a grocery store?

- Read the sign, sir.

- "Talk to the rosé"? What does that even mean?

- "No retakes. Stop asking."

Next!

[phone rings]

- Jayden Kwapis, if I sound out of breath

it's because I have a treadmill desk.

- Hi, this is Emily Biyata.

I'm calling from the Dodgers

to coordinate the Mayor's visit.

- Oh, great! So for the green room,

what are we thinking platter-wise?

Shrimp and ham, or?

- [laughs] Look, Jayden.

I'm in PR so, obviously, I Googled you.

- Yes, I'm garbage disposal ponytail guy.

So what, okay? We've all moved on.

- No, I mean the scooter event. You look good in a bike helmet.

- Me? Good?

[laughs]

Sorry, I'm laughing because someone is tickling me.

Dad, stop it! I'm your son!

- I hope you're coming to the game.

I'd love to meet you in person.

- [quietly] I'd... like that.

Sorry, excuse me. My dad's strangling me now.

Dad, this is a workplace!

.

- Hey, you need to get me a new ID.

- What, because of Nestor?

He has weird ears

and he's always, like, looking in my bag.

- He's a security guard.

Look, Mikaela, you and I basically live at work,

so I did the math--which only I can say 'cause racism,

and time is not on our side.

Especially for one of us, who's much older than me.

- By seven months.

- Statistically, we should be married by age 29.5

and I'll need at least a year for my mom to lose the weight.

- What you saying, Tommy?

- We are going to meet our spouses in this building.

- No! Here?

[gasps]

[suspenseful music]

- [kissing noises]

- The pool is too small.

I don't want to be a stepmom to a possum.

- It's a sugar glider, idiot.

- How are we supposed to meet anyone here?

- Ugh, I remember being single.

Bread always going bad before you could finish it.

Waking up every day with only one side

of the bed covered in sweat.

But, now I have Emily.

She works for the Dodgers, and her hair sounds red.

- Jayden can't find love before us.

Did you buy a monkey's paw? What is happening?

Come on, you need a new picture and I am gonna

beat this building till the candy comes out.

- Over lunch, I was watching some old Nolan Ryan videos

and a Shonda Rhimes master class on pitching.

It wasn't what I thought it was, but...

did you know she wanted "Grey's Anatomy"

to be called "Surgeons"?

That wouldn't have worked, Jayden!

- 12 seasons, tops! - [laughs]

Anyway, so for tomorrow

I'm thinking a fastball, right over the old middle.

- Okay, I've got your next public safety initiative, sir.

Do you know how many area scuba divers

get accidentally scooped up and dumped on wildfires?

No one does, because "Big Scuba" is covering it up.

- Arpi, can this wait until later?

I'm in the middle of something here.

- Oh, you're practicing your pitch?

Good idea. I'll leave you to it.

- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

I know how much you love to see me fail,

so I'm a little suspicious

whenever you say something I'm doing is a good idea.

- Fair enough. This is not a good idea.

You're gonna hurt yourself.

- I am not. I'm an athlete.

I ran the LA Marathon

with no bleeding or bathroom emergencies.

- You know when I run, my heart screams.

- And when was that? - I'll never forget.

The celebrity starter was the "Where's the Beef?" lady.

- Wow.

- Okay, yeah, that was, what, 1985?

I'll be fine by tomorrow. I've got 24 hours to work out.

I'll do some long toss,

some kettlebells, that thing with the tire.

- You're delusional, sir.

For the over-60 body, there is no working out.

There is only preservation.

Eating antioxidant-rich Himalayan nut butters,

soaking in a cold pool at your local Y-They-CA,

taking NCIS-brand glucosamine gummies.

- How are you supposed to tell it's shaped like Mark Harmon?

He's not specific enough.

- Would you care to know how I recently danced all night

at my nephew Telvin's wedding

to his girlfriend Lisa and her partner Tawny?

- How, Arpi?

- By not even standing up the whole week prior.

I was either in my bed, pow... or a cold bath.

- And if you didn't stand up,

how'd you get from the bed to your bathroom?

- Child's pose on a Roomba, sir.

- [laughs] Thank you for that story,

Arpi, but I'm gonna be fine.

- Well... your funeral.

- Funeral? Nuh-uh!

Tomorrow will be the opposite! It'll be--

it'll be a birth because everyone's gonna say

that I'm a miracle,

and they're gonna give me a free hat!

- Absolutely not.

- But all we're asking for

is a new ID photo for him, and for me, a list

of all the unmarried men who work in this building

as well as any men married over seven years

'cause that's when things get shaky.

- The answer is no.

And don't bother going over my head

because I have a sex tape of my supervisor.

- Please! I work 18-hour days

and my Grindr profile got shut down for quoting Reagan!

- Next!

- Why are you like this?

- Because of people like you.

I've worked here for 30 years, and the only time anyone's paid

any attention to me is when they want something.

"Oh, I don't like my picture."

"Oh, I'm horny, I want to do the whole building."

- Why is my voice deeper? - That is a good Mikaela.

- I come in every day and do my job,

and no one gives a damn!

No one appreciates me.

But Barb in maintenance gets an Applebee's gift card

for her 15th work-iversary!

- Look, we all hate Barb-- - No, you're right.

We're sorry. - What? No!

- Bye-bye. - Stop it.

Your hands are greasy and this is Armami.

- Did you say "Armami"? - Maybe.

- Sir?

Arpi here.

It's later, like you said,

so can we talk about my scuba diver safety initiative?

I think I found one who got dumped on a fire.

His name was Henry Totts.

His teeth and a tank were found on a Montecito hillside.

Sir?

- Over here.

Don't gloat.

- Too late.

[Austrian accent] What'd you do, Arnold?

Bench too much press? Max out on supersets?

- I sneezed and threw my back out.

I've been lying here for an hour with that guy

staring down at me, whispering, "Join me in death."

- That is Alpheus P. Hodges, first mayor of Los Angeles.

He was also the very first person to complain

that there's no good pizza out here.

- [groans]

- Do you know how easily I could kill you right now?

I'm just saying, you're in no condition to throw anything.

I'll tell Mikaela to cancel.

- No, I have to do this. - No, you don't!

No one will even notice if you cancel.

We'll just say you're doing something with the troops.

It's like a period; it gets you out of anything.

- No, I--I have to do this for me.

My grandfather, Felix Bremer,

he was a pickle salesman.

Have you ever tried to lift a barrel of pickles, Arpi?

Let alone carry one up a flight of tenement stairs

only to be told, "We don't care for pickles"?

Even in his 70s, he never left a room

without clicking his heels as if to say,

"I still got it."

And then one day, he put his hat on,

and he walked out the front parlor,

and he couldn't do it.

Couldn't click his heels.

In that moment, he died.

And then three months later, he really died

riding "The Cyclone" on Coney Island.

It just shot him right into the ocean.

He was only 74.

Two years older than me.

If I can't throw a damn baseball,

that's my heel click.

- Well, I can relate to the horrors of aging.

I'm starting to look more and more

like my father in a wig. - [laughs]

- And Lord knows I'm not rooting for you,

but I don't need you humiliating the office.

A position once held by that man.

The inventor of the beach party.

- Then help me. Arpi, please.

- All right!

We're gonna need a cold pool, stat.

My Y has an ADHD teen swim right now,

but I know the receptionist.

- I'm not going to a Y. My own home has a pool.

We'll use--what are you doing?

- Okay, we just need to get you to the car.

- [groans]

- Sir, do you have a Roomba?

.

- Not so fast, not so fast.

- Ugh! This place makes me sick.

The 1% and their castles.

- 0.01%, Arpi.

I'm not a lawyer or something.

- All right, money bags.

Let's get you ready for your stupid pitch.

[Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"]

♪

[whistle]

Stiller! Less motion!

♪

Good, again!

Open.

♪

Do not chew.

Let Michael Weatherly dissolve.

Meditate!

Do not judge that you are having thoughts.

Simply acknowledge them and let them pass!

♪

Again!

- Yeah, this girl saw a modeling photo of me

on a scooter and she was like,

"I need to get all up under that helmet."

[laughs]

So we're gonna go out later to a baseball game.

Which is dangerous.

'Cause all those bases are just begging to be gotten to.

But it's a first date, so I doubt she'll bring her parents.

She'll probably just bring some uncles, you know?

Hey, what's up, Barry? - Hello.

- What are you doing striding in?

Is that a spring in your step?

- You did it, Arpi. I feel great!

- I didn't do anything! Not yet.

Now drop and give me nothing!

- Okay.

- [clears throat] Mayor, they're all ready

for you in the briefing room.

- What? Who is?

- Oh, no. Did you forget?

You have a lot going on for someone your age.

- It's all right, sir. I remember when my Lola

started putting shoes in the refrigerator.

- Today is the recognition ceremony for employees

who have worked at City Hall for 30 years or longer?

- No, of course I--of course I remember.

I've got a mind like a steel--

what's that thing that catches rats?

Tornk.

Yep--no, no. Snatcher.

Yeah, I got a mind like a steel snatcher.

- I prepared some remarks

for you as we discussed yesterday.

- I know! Very productive day, Tommy.

Oh, yeah, this is good.

"30 years ago, Daniela, the ID badge lady,

"came to City Hall with a dream.

"A dream of photographing employees

"and then printing out IDs for them.

And boy, did she ever!"

- Her computer logs out in 30 seconds, move!

- I'm actually more motivated by compliments,

so you might want to adjust your tone.

- "Daniela was born in the 20th century.

"The century that brought us The Rolling Stones,

"the Roaring '20s, low rise jeans, the hula hoop,

"flip phones, and way before that...

"regular phones.

"From the Menendez brothers to the Williams sisters,

"we'll proof it later, just print it, Tommy.

Or should we write more just to be safe?"

[upbeat music]

- Male, unmarried.

- Classic or bad boy?

- They look the same! - One has a finer gauge check!

- "But Daniela is so much more

"than just the girl version...

of Daniel."

- This thing is so slow!

- Red carpet Bob Iger!

Prince Harry wasn't expecting you.

Naughty Mitt Romney.

- "So now let's enjoy a visual tribute--"

Oh, great!

"To Daniela's phenomenal career."

Look at you, Daniela.

♪

- Oh, they're all stunning but they tell different stories!

- Just pick one!

- "Which is why today,

ID stands for 'Incredible Daniela.'"

♪

[applause]

[laughs] Enjoy!

♪

- Tommy! - It's printing!

[tense music]

♪

- Okay, where do we go? - I don't know!

♪

- [chuckles]

Next!

.

- Jayden?

It's Emily. - Emily, hi!

- Hi! [both laughing]

- You're even cuter in person.

- So are you. - Oh!

- I Googled you back. I guess that elderly woman

in Van Nuys with your name isn't you.

I'll probably still be a gentleman

and take her to the audiologist on Thursday,

but just as friends.

[both laughing]

- Wasn't kidding.

- Oh, are you ready, Mr. Mayor?

- Oh, he's ready, all right. If he were a turkey,

he'd be golden brown and slick with juices.

- Mikaela? - Sir,

we have an issue with SafeLA.

There's a citywide lice outbreak

and the Health Department has traced it back to our helmets.

- Lice?

Okay, I guess

the city can provide medicated shampoo for anyone--

- It's not that simple, sir. It's causing accidents.

- Sir, this is as bad as it is hilarious.

- Also, it turns out "Safela" is a pretty problematic

Latin drag queen, so the hashtag is messy.

Now Twitter is riled up and the "LA Times" is calling.

- So, in other words, my first safety initiative

has caused a, what, Scooter-pocalypse?

- The good news is, we actually could distract people

from this story if...

you throw a truly terrible pitch.

- What? No!

No, I'm not gonna do that. That's ridiculous.

- She wants you to biff the pitch?

Smart. A humiliating throw

will distract the sheep for sure.

- Or, what if I threw out the best first pitch ever,

and then everyone will be talking about how cool it was.

- Right, 'cause that's how the internet,

local news, and human nature work.

Celebrating the good in us all. Grow up!

- I don't want to look old and weak.

I don't want to be Felix Bremer.

- Sir, no one is saying this has to be weak.

It just has to be, in some way, extremely incorrect.

- What about, you know, the office?

- I'm not asking you to humiliate the office.

I'm asking you to humiliate...

Someone.

- I started getting super itchy

ever since I went in that IKEA ball pit.

You ever been in one? It's fun.

[both chuckle]

- Smell weird, but they're fun.

- Your attention, please.

Throwing out today's first pitch,

the 43rd Mayor of Los Angeles, Mayor Neil Bremer!

[cheers and applause]

- [laughs]

So later on, I'm thinking maybe Popeyes?

Or we could watch a different cartoon if you want.

- Okay.

- [giggles] Okay, all right!

- All right!

[suspenseful music]

[Jayden giggles]

- Sorry, pal.

- He looks so good. - I know, he is a natural.

- Oh! [crowd cheering]

Oh, my area!

[Jayden coughing and wheezing]

- Now that's how you make an omelet.

- Jayden, are you okay? - Get away from me!

Call my pediatrician!

[Jayden coughing and wheezing]

[Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"]

♪

- Oooh.

Oh.

[scanner beeps]

Next!

- Well, I overshot it.

- Damn, Gina!

Yeah, this is not the burger they show in the ad.

- I'm gonna die alone.

Like a dog lost in a Kardashian house.

- Well, we can share a casket.

I went through this whole thing last night.

The top three straight bachelors in City Hall

are Neil, Jayden, and sugar glider guy.

- Sorry, but I'm married to my hobby--

posing sugar gliders in dioramas of old Hollywood.

- Why are our lives so much harder than other people's?

- Morning, Jayden. - Not great, to be honest.

Emily won't respond to any of the Mark McGrath

cameos I got for her.

And the insurance company won't pay for my vaginal mesh

because I'm a boy!

But that's just what they call it!

No foolin', mesh is mesh!

- I'm glad you work here, buddy.

Wait, do you still have lice?

- It was a penis hospital, not a hair hospital, Mikaela!

- Oh, whoa!

Oh!

I think it went inside.

Make me sneeze so it pops out again!

Oh, God exists and he's mean!

Call my mommy!

She's in my phone under "aunt"

'cause I just found out the truth last week.

Way to protect me from nothing, Superman unterhose!

Oh, peepee concussion!

This is not how best friends treat each other!

I broke my penis at Dodger Stadium!

- Good night, everybody. Good night.