Original subtitles

Toro! Toro! Aqui!

Go back to Washington for another mission?

You must be mad.

I don't care

if Professor Albert Paradine wants to blow up the universe.

I'm not in that business any more.

You don't mean that, Mr. Gordon.

Oh, yes, I do.

I'm quite content right where I am.

Did you hear that audience tonight?

They leaped to their feet, roaring in approval.

Why, the air was so thick with electricity,

you could have cut it with a knife.

Looked to me like they were trying to tear you apart.

Obviously, you're not of the theatre.

That was adulation, my boy.

They were just totally caught up in my performance.

We're wasting time.

Good-bye, Joseph.

Remember me to Skinny Malone.

Would you reconsider if Jim West agrees to come back?

He'll never do it. What if he does?

He gave me his word.

He swore to me the Loveless case was going to be his last.

"I only signed on for one pipsqueak," he said.

You couldn't get him to leave his Mexican paradise

if you begged him on bended knee.

But what if we do?

Joseph...

if you can get James West to agree to come back,

I'll come back, too, without a murmur.

Fair enough?

Mr. Gordon, you've got a deal.

Fair enough.

Bye, Joseph.

Never in a million years.

Shoot! Shoot!

Kill him!

Come on, kill him. Shoot!

Shoot, man, shoot. I'm trying.

Shoot, man, shoot!

Uh, Mr. West?

I'm Edward Jensen, United States Secret Service.

I'm here at the behest of Robert T. Malone,

head of the Secret Service.

Seems as though there's another madman loose on the world.

Director Malone said

you might have certain reservations

about taking another assignment.

Means risking your life.

You got it.

Uh, risking your life.

You got an extra horse?

Yeah, sure. It's out back.

I'll come with you.

Get! Get! Get!

Artie.

I am not talking to you.

Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do.

I thought you'd be happy to see me.

You swore to me, you gave me your word,

the Loveless case was going to be our last.

"Never again," you said.

"I love it too much down there in Mexico." I do.

Well, then, why aren't you down there?

Why'd you let somebody talk you into coming up here?

Same reason you let someone talk you into coming up here...

Our flag.

What?!

Our flag, Artie.

Our country needs us.

Not that bad.

It'll be like old times.

The two of us on another one.

And as for you...

You are the most contemptible,

lowest, deceitful, treacherous, disordered, malignant...

You want to add anything?

No, I think you covered it all, Artie.

Artie always did have a way with words.

Pusillanimous double-crosser I've ever known in my life.

Putting ill feelings aside,

I'm asking you to come back and help your country.

See?

I am retired.

Artemus Gordon, ex-agent of the Secret Service,

incommunicado, finis.

Remember Addison?

Quit a year ago?

Wrote a very successful book on his days in the Service.

There happen to be a lot of people

who think our adventures are titillating.

Our adventures?

How did he get into this act?

Outside of going to and from work,

you've never been out from behind this desk.

This madman... now, what does he want, Skinny?

If we knew that, what would I need you two for?

All we know is that after killing his four brothers,

he just upped and vanished into thin air,

only to have just recently reappeared

somewhere in the vicinity of the Western states.

Our agents think around the vicinity

of Parsons Ridge, Nevada.

Well, you've got plenty of young agents

actively in the Service.

Why two old sagging retirees?

I bet you can't give me one good reason...

How about, we could get killed?

I said a good reason.

What do you want us to do?

Go to Parsons Ridge, Nevada

and find out what A.P. Two is up to.

Who?

Albert Paradine II.

Then stop it instantly.

Put a stop to what?

Whatever it is A.P...

Albert Paradine II is up to.

I've had your private train refurbished.

It's on a siding in the train yards

steamed up, ready to go.

Funny, I don't remember saying yes.

Well, the world may be on the verge of blowing up,

but by all means, take all the time you need.

I need a stiff drink.

No, what you need is to get into shape

in our new fitness room.

Fitness room?

What fitness room?

Have you two been away that long?

President Harrison is a nut for fitness.

Runs around his Oval Office all day long.

He's set up a rigorous training program

for all our agents.

Rigorous? Rigorous?

Very.

I should have known better.

My Great Aunt Maude always said to me,

"Artemus," she said,

"never hitch your wagon to another man's star." Artie, are you...

"You never know where the dingy bang fool may want to go."

Artie, are you trying to tell me

the only reason you're here is because of me?

Who ever dreamed you'd want to go back into the Service?

I had my own repertory company,

where I could write and star in my own plays,

full control over the leading lady,

the adulation of the crowds, and because you...

because you don't have the strength

or willpower to say no, I have to wind up

being dragged away from a...

You were saying something about being dragged away?

Who are these guys?

Get him!

What's the matter with you?

Juanita.

Hup! That's him there.

I never saw this man before in my life.

Pricely-Thomas bicycle.

Do you two know how lucky you are running into me?

Why, you may have the one Pricely-Thomas

that's worth $3,000.

Congratulations, you lucky winners.

Now you stay right there, will you?

Now, don't go away.

Give me a push for this thing, will you?

Thank you very much, sir.

Bye-bye.

Come on, Jim.

Hop on.

Wait a minute.

That's why you wanted to leave town, wasn't it?

Artie, for God's sakes, pedal.

Not another foot until you tell me

who that Juanita is and why she's trying to kill us.

Artie, not now.

Let's get the train and get out of town, please.

I never thought the day would come

when I'd be railroaded out of town.

Could have been worse, Artie.

We could have been carried out of town,

on the back of Juanita's wagon.

Oh, yes, while we're on that,

would you care to tell me now

who this Juanita is?

Juanita.

Uh-huh. Oh, I just met her a little while ago.

And that bunch that's with her?

Just angry brothers.

I never met them before, and Artie,

you know I never want to meet them again.

That I believe.

Well, we seem to have shaken 'em.

For now.

Where are we headed?

Parsons Ridge and have a little look around.

Well, since we've obviously accepted the assignment,

don't you think we ought to wire Skinny and let him know?

No, I think when he realizes

this train's missing, he'll know.

That fathead will think someone stole it.

Nah, Artie, he'll put two and two together.

I sure hope so.

Every time Skinny's put two and two together before,

he came up with seven.

Welcome, gentlemen,

welcome to Parsons Ridge.

I'm Professor Albert Paradine II,

but you can call me Al.

Artie,

he's the spitting image of his father.

Remarkable.

Well, I should imagine

that you're a bit thirsty after your long journey.

Yes.

Mmm.

Perhaps you would care for some champagne?

I have some six bottles on ice over at the Daisy Saloon.

Should we saunter over there?

Great idea.

Just a minute.

How did you know the exact time we'd arrive here?

Jim, champagne.

I knew the exact time

that you were leaving Washington, D.C.

and every movement after that I knew.

Yes, I know why you're here

and what you're looking for.

Shall we have some champagne, gentlemen?

Champagne, Jim.

Did you kill your four brothers?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Why?

They were a disgrace to the Paradine name.

Suddenly became honest, decent, God-fearing men.

They had to go.

You know, from what we know of your father,

I'd say

you're a slice off the old Paradine fruitcake.

For starters,

I intend to dominate the entire world.

New and fresh point of view for a madman.

Nothing as brilliant as my predecessors.

Understand?

Have you come up with something new?

Not new.

Something as old as mankind itself.

Man's will

to destroy himself!

I shall pit one major power

against the other-

devastation, complete annihilation.

When the ground cools

and the smoke clears,

I'm sure there'll be some survivors,

helpless, that will be mine!

I shall call this World War I,

then if need be, we'll have a World War II.

That way I can keep them straight in my mind.

You want to take him with us,

or would you rather just slap his wrist and send him home?

I think you'll find either one

infinitely more difficult than the other.

I shall leave you gentlemen-

in a most unusual manner.

I'm still here, gentlemen.

My advice to you is go back to Washington

and report to Mr. Malone

how impractical his order is to stop me.

Well, I must be shoving off, gentlemen.

Well, toodaloo.

Out of the way.

Coming through.

Oh, Myrtle,

God has been good to you.

Ladies, has Professor Paradine

ever disappeared before?

Oh, sure, he does it all the time

to make the girls nervous.

To make the girls nervous?

When you can't see a man,

he's liable to be in all sorts of places

where men aren't supposed to be.

Frightening. Shocking.

What was that?

That's just Albert playing with his bombs.

All right, so he can become invisible

whenever he wants to.

How does that threaten the peace of the world?

Skinny, think about this for one moment... invisible.

That means that this man can walk

into the office of any leader of any nation

and listen to everything,

everything that is said in the War Council,

and report back that pertinent information to the enemy.

And, Skinny, we haven't even begun to talk

about that bomb he's testing.

We've talked enough!

Into action.

What are you two doing sitting here in Washington?

Where should we be sitting?

You shouldn't be sitting anywhere.

You already should be in action.

Doing what?

Doing what you're being paid to do...

Protecting this country.

This is war.

I want you on that train

heading back for Nevada within the hour.

Skinny, I think...

Not talk, action, action, not talk.

Back to Nevada within the hour.

War.

Most men couldn't face it,

but at my age,

with a bad back and four young children,

ha, ha, not a chance.

2,400 miles there, 2,400 miles back.

And how long do you think

that meeting with Skinny took?

I'd say two minutes.

Two minutes.

And how encouraged were you by his attitude?

I'd say Skinny doesn't care much what happens

so long as it doesn't happen to Skinny.

Exactly.

Top of the morning, gentlemen!

You remember me,

Colonel Sir David Edney, British Intelligence.

I remember Captain Edney.

Ah, yes, well, in our organization,

the best of us rise to the top very rapidly.

Edney, what are you doing on our train?

Well, I'm afraid I've been riding in the engine

since we left Washington.

Riding the engine?

You mean, you bribed Casey?

Ah, so that's his name.

He refused to give me any information whatsoever.

No, I didn't bribe him.

I simply convinced Casey

that when faced with a common danger,

good allies should cooperate with each other...

and, uh, he cooperated.

Are you in this country legally, Edney?

This time?

Yes, this time I think I'm legal.

What are you doing here?

Why, what I'm always doing, serving Her Majesty,

looking after the interests of the Empire.

It's quite a plan

this Professor Paradine has, isn't it, huh?

But we simply can't have it.

No, no, I checked with every sector of our government

and Britain simply isn't interested

in a world war at this particular moment.

Nor shall we be interested until August 1914, I believe,

give or take a fortnight here or there.

Kill him! Kill James West!

Kill him!

Full steam ahead!

What?!

Full steam ahead!

What?!

Kill him!

Kill James West!

Kill Jim West!

Kill him! Kill him!

What in the hell was that?

Tell him.

A personal matter.

A personal matter.

Well, my life happens to be very personal, to me.

Tell me, chappie,

does it involve that girl with the sword?

Sort of.

Her Majesty didn't send me all the way over here

to get involved in someone else's personal affairs.

If I had been killed today,

it wouldn't have been in the line of duty.

It would have been a very serious blot on my record.

So you see, it is my business, West.

Edney, I have every inclination to pull that cord,

stop this train, and throw you off

and see how long an Englishman can survive out there

with the Gila monsters and cactus.

An Englishman could survive on those things you mentioned

for as long as was necessary for an Englishman

to survive on those things you mentioned.

If you want to survive on this train,

you just stay out of my sight.

Oh. Well, in that case, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen,

I think I shall rejoin Casey...

up front.

Artie, that man could start the Revolution all over

just by himself.

Hello, Colonel.

Gentlemen, my assistant, Miss Mirabelle Merriwether.

Hello, ma'am.

Isn't she entitled to know who we are?

Uh, Mirabelle, may I present

Mr. West and Mr. Gordon?

How do you do? Howdy.

Have you managed

to contact Professor Paradine?

Yes, he's at the Daisy Saloon right now,

and he invited us all for a dash of champagne.

Oh.

But how on earth did he know we were coming?

There's very little that escapes him, I assure you.

Inviting us for champagne is rather odd behavior

for a man who's wanted by the police

in four countries, wouldn't you say, West?

Considering that he's a certifiable lunatic?

No, I don't think that's odd.

I have found Professor Paradine

roly-poly and rather charming.

Don't be deceived, Miss Merriwether.

Under that "charming" and "roly-poly" skull

lies the twisted mind of a demented madman,

a dangerous, demented madman.

To British Intelligence and Miss Mirabelle Merriwether,

truly a lovely opponent as a man ever had.

You know, this is all terribly charming,

Professor Paradine, but I'm afraid I'm going

to have to spoil your little party.

This man is wanted in my country

for the murder of a British citizen.

I'm ordering the two of you to place him

under arrest, take him back to Washington

so that your government can hand him over

to my government so that we can take him back

to London for a proper hanging.

You're ordering us?

Aren't you just a little out of your jurisdiction?

Oh.

Well, uh, since you refuse to comply,

I'm afraid I shall have

to place him under arrest myself.

Oh, please do, Colonel Edney, place me under arrest.

As you see, I haven't my men about the room.

I don't need any.

Oh, well, in that case,

Professor Albert Paradine II,

I hereby place you under arrest

for the murder of Winston Paradine.

Bye-bye.

Colonel Edney, over here.

You tried to kill me.

Definite breach of hospitality.

I want all of you-understand?

Off my territory within 24 hours.

When did Nevada secede from the Union?

Everything I control is mine.

Everything within 100 miles of any direction is mine.

Her Majesty will not be toyed with.

We'll bring in troops if necessary.

You still think we're a colony, don't you?

Listen, Edney, if any troops are needed,

we'll bring in our own, thank you.

Look here, I'm not at all satisfied

with the way this is being handled.

I intend to file a formal complaint with your king.

What? Uh, president.

You file away, and see how much good it does you.

You see, it was so simple.

I could very well have started a war

with England and America, no problem at all.

Whoa!

Say, that was a wall banger.

Now, let me warn you,

no more fooling about.

If there are any problems from here on out,

bring them to my place.

How do we get to your place?

Simple: little signs in the desert.

A.P. II, I just want you to know one thing.

As far as all of us are concerned,

you're just another demented antisocial madman.

Wrong.

Antisocial sane madman.

Ciao, ciao, bambinos.

Professor!

Professor.

Out of the way.

Coming through.

From now on, gentlemen, I suggest

we pursue a separate course of action.

I wouldn't want you mucking things up

any more than you already have.

Us mucking things up?

You're the biggest mucker I've ever known.

Come, Mirabelle.

What's a mucker?

Come.

Mr. Secretary,

you wanted to see me?

Malone.

I have here a stern letter of protest

from the British government regarding our handling

of the Professor Paradine case.

Forgive me for sounding stupid, Dr. Messenger,

but how would they know how it's being handled?

They got a report from one of their...

agents.

British agents? Operating openly in our country?

After first consulting with me, and, of course

the permission of the...

the president.

Malone,

the queen herself has contacted me now,

which makes this whole mess extremely embarrassing.

What in the hell is going on out there in Nevada?

Why, nothing sir, as far as I know, nothing at all.

We do have two agents out there,

don't we?

Yes, sir, James West and Artemus Gordon,

two of our best men,

brought them out of retirement especially for this job.

Personally, I can't stand either of 'em, but...

With two of our best men out there,

shouldn't something be happening?

Hmm?

I see what you mean.

Yes.

That's very good, Doctor.

Why do they call you Doctor?

Malone,

I know Professor Albert Paradine personally,

and if the second is anything like the first,

this world is in grave danger.

I want you to go out to Nevada and take charge

of the situation personally.

But... Your pardon, sir,

I haven't worked in the field for years.

I want you to leave immediately

and wind this thing up.

Send me daily reports.

Get out there, Malone.

Take command.

Take command.

Sir!

Check... Malone's

stability.

You're sure we're headed in the right direction?

That's the way the sign pointed.

Well, we aren't going in a straight line, then,

or you read the sign wrong or something.

You were saying?

Oh, shut up.

Are you sure we haven't gone four miles yet?

I swear it feels like twice the distance.

Aw, it just seems that way.

When you get older, half the distance takes twice as long.

Thanks a lot.

Let me ask you,

once we get there, what are we gonna do?

Try and force A.P. II into making a move.

James.

Say we manage to arrest Professor Paradine

and we bring him in for trial,

and the judge says, "What are the charges against this man?"

and we have to say, "He's plotting to start a world war

involving all the nations on the face of the earth,"

and he says, "Oh?

How do you know that he's plotting to do that?

And we say, "Because he told us."

Well, the judge has gotta look at us kind of funny,

and he says, "Did he tell you

how he was gonna manage to do this?"

So we say, "Well, he can make himself invisible

any time he wants to."

The judge says, "Oh, did he tell you

"that he can make himself invisible

whenever he wants to?"

and we say, "No, we saw him do it."

Now, James, let me ask you one question.

Of all the people in that courtroom,

who do you think the judge is gonna put behind bars?

Finished?

Yes.

Let's go.

What is it?

Oasis?

Mirage.

Or the most elaborate trap ever devised by man.

Hyah!

There's something weird and unreal about this place.

Looks like fun to me.

Check your horses, sir?

What?

Come on, deal, deal!

Okay. Come on. Come on.

Call it, call it!

Five card Charlie.

Well, there's one act I'm going to be sure to miss.

Mr. West.

Mr. Gordon.

Welcome.

A bit late, aren't you?

About an hour and a half. Been dawdling.

That's neither here nor there.

What do you think of my big, wonderful enterprise?

I can't think of a single moneymaker you've missed.

Where do all these people come from?

Oh, they come from all over the world.

Yes, must be something in this Nevada air

that's conducive to gambling.

Yes, they have their wagon trains

and they get off for an hour and a half.

Then they go on ahead by foot.

I suppose they'd pledge their wives

if I had a use for them.

With all this, why do you want to conquer the world?

It's part of the Paradine tradition

to want to conquer the world.

It's in the Paradine blood.

To ask a Paradine not to conquer the world

is like asking a baby not to cry

or a typhoon to be in a quiet corner.

Would you excuse us for a minute?

Yes.

Artie...

Let's stop this charade and arrest that guy.

On what charges?

He's talking treachery.

Well, that's freedom of speech, James,

the number one guarantee of the Constitution.

Murder.

Artie, the man has admitted

killing his four brothers.

Is that an empty boast or a confession?

You know, without evidence... nothing.

Jennifer.

The bomb, Artie.

The bomb is a threat to our national security.

Out here? In the middle of nowhere?

We'd have to catch him

in the act of planting it somewhere important.

Gentlemen, all this pontificating

about these false charges and my arrest.

Some goodies for you... Five-dollar chips,

on the house, so to speak.

Have yourself a good time.

Adios.

Well, since we can't arrest him anyway...

You know, for years, I've been working on a system

for beating that wheel of fortune,

but I've never had enough of somebody else's money.

Here, run amok.

Well, thank you, James.

I think I will.

And around and around she goes,

and where she stops, nobody knows.

Eleven!

Let it ride, Artie.

Yeah, that's not the system.

We move it to 18, seven digits up.

Let it go now.

Okay, away we go.

Around and around and around she goes.

Come on, 18. It's got to work.

It's a seven-point removal.

Come on,

18, 18, 18!

Hey, the gentleman's a winner again.

13, down here.

Number 13, okay. Number 13.

Artie, I don't see any pattern to your system.

Of course you don't. Why should you?

I'll add this.

We take one off of each of four off the tops.

And let it ride.

Number 11. I did it again!

A winner, a winner.

- Gentleman is a winner. - Oh, I love it.

Excuse me. Will you explain your system to me?

You mean now?

Lady, you got a better chance of buying a share

in the United States Treasury.

Oh, but I'm not interested in your money.

I'm interested in your mind.

Oh...

Oh, well, you see, there's a key.

To opening up your mind?

No, no, no, to opening up the betting.

You got to lay it all on the line.

I know exactly what you mean.

You must ask yourself,

"What's at stake here?"

Exactly, and what's at stake is the whole bank,

and I'm going to break it right now. Just watch me.

Put it...

Sorry, sir, the wheel is closed.

What?!

Professor Paradine's orders, sir. Sorry.

Why, that is...

You're going to leave me with just this pittance?

That is absolutely unethical,

absolutely unethical,

unsportsmanlike.

Worse, I've never heard of it.

I've never heard of it in my life.

Artie, come on. I think the bribe is big enough.

Bribe?

Put that in my bag.

What are you talking about?

I just proved my system is infallible.

Artie, you've been in dreamland.

You're trying to tell me that that wheel was rigged in our favor?

Will the sun come up tomorrow?

Well, it still doesn't prove

that my system isn't infallible.

Good.

Don't try it with your money, Artie.

Gentlemen.

Well, I see we've won some money.

Artie did all right.

Not bad, considering the likes of this place.

Yes. How much do you think you've got there?

I really don't know. I haven't counted it yet.

I'd have to say between $10,000 and $15,000.

Maybe closer to $15,000

right off the top.

Hmm, $15,000 sounds like a nice round figure.

I should imagine that would enhance

your careers considerably.

Oh, and incidentally,

a simple letter to Mr. Malone in regard to your resignation...

I should think that would cap it.

Well?

Well, let's count the chips.

Very well.

Join me in my office, if you...

Let's go this way.

Follow me here.

Good morning, my little pussycat...

pussycats.

Ah, yes,

my lovely little tigers: Tabby, Rabby and Shabby.

Found 'em in India.

Personally came across them.

That's neither here nor there, gentlemen.

Have you finished counting your chips yet?

I never started.

Artie, let's not even tell him

what the penalty is for trying to bribe federal agents.

The mind boggles at what I'm going to do to you next

for your rotten, incredible, stupid act.

Look, gentlemen.

Yes, the Abominable Brothers.

Found them where?

Northern Himalayas.

Does Animal Regulations know those two are loose?

Well, from the looks of them, they could be rabid.

He ought to give 'em shots.

I'll give 'em a shot.

Artie, are you just going to stand there?

If I'm smart, yes.

Come on, Artie, let's take 'em.

Well, gentlemen, I wonder if you'll be kind enough

to take our guests to a most uncomfortable area.

Oh, yes, I'm sure your view from up there

will give you a different perspective on things, hmm?

I doubt it.

You know, you both have been a great disappointment to me.

Yes, you've provided me with nothing in regard

to a challenge... something I could get my teeth into.

Here I slipped a little noose for you,

and your necks went into it.

What a shame.

You know, gentlemen,

I'm at my very best when I'm under pressure.

Hmm.

Incidentally, I shall be going to Washington tomorrow

to see your own good friend, Dr. Messenger,

who's in charge of the peace conference.

Washington?

Didn't know the conference was being held in Washington.

Skinny didn't say anything about any conference.

Perhaps the most important in this half-century.

Well, we haven't been briefed on world news lately.

Makes no difference.

Once the conference is over,

then of course, one-half the world

will be at war with the other half.

Then, hopefully, total holocaust...

if not something similar to it,

watered down, perhaps.

Meantime, gentlemen, I bid you adieu.

Ta-ta for now, and have an agonizing time of it.

Artie. Hmm?

When I get my hands on that cuckoo,

I'm going to make him eat every word, word at a time.

He wants opposition, does he, huh?

I'll be very happy to oblige.

James, I've got an idea.

Mr. Malone, what a great honor this is.

Who are you?

Professor Albert Paradine II,

the person you've come such a long way to see.

How did you know who I am?

Oh, come now, Mr. Malone.

Everybody knows who you are.

The brilliant Robert Malone,

head of the United States

Secret Service.

Not everyone is supposed to know!

Undercover this time, eh, Mr. Malone?

Your secret is safe with me.

Shall we go inside the palace?

You look a bit dusty and tired.

Some of my experts there will revive you.

You're not exactly what I was expecting, Professor Paradine.

You, on the other hand,

are exactly what I was expecting,

eagle-eyed and fearless.

This is excellent bubbly, Professor Paradine.

Thank you.

From my vineyards in northern California.

I'm trying to locate two old friends of mine, Professor Paradine.

Yes, and their names?

James West and Artemus Gordon.

Would they be Agents

West and Gordon?

Well, yes, I guess you could call them that.

You know where they are?

I know exactly where they are.

They're on a fishing trip.

A fishing trip?!

Well, you see, in this whole entire area

there are some lovely cold streams

filled with rainbow trout.

Chances are they are fishing for those trout just north of here.

But they're supposed to be on assignment.

Yes, I understand that.

I'd like to put your mind at ease, if I may.

It... it's Skinny, isn't it?

Do you mind if I call you Skinny?

If you want to.

Well, you see, Agents West and Gordon

would hardly go off on a fishing trip

had it not been the fact that they were completely at ease

with regard to these...

dreadful charges against me.

Why would I murder my brothers?

I would never murder them because I loved them!

Brothers.

I will find that fiendish ghoul

who is responsible for their deaths.

Off on a fishing trip.

Yes. You should have seen them.

Little rods over their shoulders, can of worms,

skipping along with not a thing on their tiny minds.

Well, why didn't they report in to me before they left?

Perhaps you... you could meet them.

I could arrange it so that you could join them.

I hate fishing.

Then please remain here as my guest.

Yvonne and Daphne, I'm sure, will take care of you,

and I'm sure they would

give you anything that you would need.

Anything.

Why don't you sit down, girls?

Now, girls, I'd like you

to try and think of me as approximately your own age.

Mmm! Bravo! Bravo!

¡Magnifico!

So you like the circus.

Well, Mr. West, you took advantage of me.

This is my chance to play a little game with you.

Mr. West, let's make a deal.

You have a little choice here.

What's behind the red curtain,

what's behind the green curtain,

or what's in the basket?

Just take your time. Time's up!

The basket.

Very good.

Yes, you see, because if you had chosen

what's behind the curtain, instantly dead!

This way, what's in the basket

will be painfully, slowly, horrible death.

Take Mr. West to the Snake Pit Lounge.

Quickly!

Ladies and gentlemen,

while this snake is still in a trance,

I am going to convert the ropes binding this man

into serpents which will helplessly slither

off of his hands, leaving him free.

For this, I will need

at least two very strong volunteers.

Two volun... How about you two?

You look perfect for the... You look strong enough.

Come, come. Don't be shy. Come over. Come over.

Will you hold my flute?

Thank you.

Would you take the ropes off of this gentleman here?

Because those are the ones I will need

to turn into serpents. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

to prove that this is not merely a question

of the magic of my flute,

I am going to show you

it is a matter of concentration.

Sit on your knees, gentlemen, please.

It is only by the mind that it is...

Put your hands behind you, please...

capable of changing the rope

into serpents, which will slither off of your hands

and leave you totally free.

Close your eyes, please, and concentrate.

Now, try the ropes.

Are they strong?

Do they still feel like ropes?

You cannot break them?

Let's go.

Hyah!

How did you manage to get Gunga Din

to switch places with you?

Oh, he's an old stage buddy.

We used to play summer stock back East.

His real name is Phil Liebowitz.

I didn't know you knew how

to play the flute, Artie.

I don't.

Just faked it.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

I knew he wouldn't let us get away with it.

That's not A.P. II.

It's Juanita.

What makes you so sure?

Because I just saw her peering over that rock.

Get him! Shoot! Shoot!

Kill him! Jim!

Shoot! Shoot!

How many brothers does she have?

I don't know, but she's got a lot of cousins.

She's becoming a big pain.

You can say that again.

I'm sick of having that woman shooting at me.

You should have taken care of this before you left Mexico.

That's why I left Mexico.

She was shooting at me.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Now... now it finally comes out, huh?

I knew it all along.

Well, I am not going to die for somebody else's affair.

It wasn't an affair. I was drunk.

All right, see if you can keep her pinned down.

I'm going to go around from behind.

That's not ladylike.

Now, you stop this or you're going to make me mad.

Now, Juanita, what is this all about?

Because of you, Juanita had to turn down the governor,

who wanted to make her his wife.

That's what this is all about.

That's why you've been chasing me

all over the countryside, shooting at us.

Nobody walks out on Juanita

after she turns the governor down.

I never told you to turn the governor down!

You don't love Juanita.

It's very difficult loving a woman

that's always shooting at you.

Oh, Juanita's very sorry.

Then tell your brothers and your cousins

to quit shooting at us.

¡Basta, mis hermanos!

Now, Juanita, why can't you be like this all the time?

Oh, Juanita feels like this all the time.

It's... it's just that sometimes she wants to kill you.

We've got a priority on everything

from here to Washington.

There is no way that A.P. II can beat us there

unless he can fly.

Well, just in case he can,

let's get started right away, all right?

Well.

Well, hello.

I was afraid you two were dead.

Skinny, what are you doing here?

Getting out from behind my desk.

Taking command.

It was the Secretary of State's idea... order.

How long have you been here, Skinny?

Long enough to find out that something smells in Denmark.

Professor Paradine II tried to convince me

you were off on a fishing trip.

Somebody must have told him that I'm not too bright.

Say what you want to about the fella,

he really knows how to entertain a visitor.

Skinny, he's on his way to Washington right now.

Why is he on his way to Washington?

He wants to abort the conference there.

What conference?

The peace conference, the one that our Secretary of State,

Dr. Messenger, is presiding over.

How come as head of the Secret Service,

I'm always kept in the dark

about these things?!

Say, I ran into that fellow from British Intelligence,

Sir, uh, Colonel, uh, somebody.

Colonel Sir David Edney.

Yeah, that's the one. What was he doing?

He was leaving Parsons Ridge in quite a huff,

off to file another complaint with his government, I suppose.

What did you two say to him that made him so upset?

Nothing. We were just pointing out his shortcomings to him...

Will you look at that!

It's one of those hot-air balloons.

You know, you may think I'm crazy,

but I tell you, one day they're gonna be flying those things

from the Atlantic to the Pacific on a regular schedule.

I think you're crazy.

So do I.

Oh, what a lovely, lovely day

to be up in this lovely balloon.

My child.

Sweet of you to pour this.

Mm, mm.

Bless you, my dear.

Professor!

Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty.

Oh.

Yvonne, what do we see?

Steady as she goes.

Professor!

Isn't that funny?

You can go for years without seeing a hot-air balloon,

and all of a sudden they're everywhere.

Looks like the same one to me.

Well, how could it be?

We left that one back in Nevada.

Yes... my dear.

Just think, I'll be the...

the first man to cross the country by air.

I wonder how history will describe it?

"Clear-Eyed Pioneer of the Upper Atmosphere."

Or... "Lone Grey Eagle of the Hot-Air Set."

Pedal faster, Daphne!

The peace conference will be sabotaged

by an un-visible man?

Why weren't we the first

to develop un-visibility?

Have you noticed anything...

strange going on?

Strange?

Peculiar.

Out of the ordinary.

Well, there have been

some out-of-the-ordinary things happening.

What kinds of things?

Um...

secret documents disappearing from hotel rooms,

the mysterious slapping of the Austrian delegate

by the French delegate...

who swears he was across the room when it happened.

He's here.

However you choose to proceed in this matter,

don't forget for one moment that I am running the show.

This peace conference is to be my moment.

Just how do you choose to proceed?

The first thing's for me to get

inside that peace conference as a delegate.

Mm.

When did we decide that?

Obviously one of us has to work from the inside at all times.

And I'm sure that we can feel free to call on you

for anything we might need, Mr. Secretary?

Nah-ah.

You can feel free to call me Dr. Henry if you like.

Just don't call me Doc.

You understand why I sent Director Malone

as far away from Washington as possible?

No, sir. Why?

Because in the inner circles,

he is what is known as eine grosse Pfuscher.

Pfuscher.

Pfuscher, Pfuscher, Pfuscher.

He's a big bungler.

Well, gentlemen...

go away.

Artie, I think he might just be able

to pull this disarmament thing off.

If he just doesn't trip over his own ego along the way.

Artie? Yes.

I have your credentials.

Oh, thank you. Perfect forgery.

I know... I did it myself.

You're the Ambassador of Lichtenstein.

Lichtenstein.

A direct descendant of the Earl of Lichtenstein.

Ah, yes. An officer in the war.

Oh. You were wounded in combat.

Wounded in combat.

And you still have a piece of lead in your leg.

Piece of lead in the leg.

Which causes a slight limp.

A slight limp, yes.

Which side did I fight on?

Pick one.

I fought with the English,

French, Sardinians and Turks against the Russians.

And now you fight for peace.

For peace.

Good-bye.

Artie, we'll keep in touch through Dr. Messenger.

Very good. Artie.

Hm?

Sorry.

For peace.

Thank you. Thanks.

Morning, Mr. Gordon.

Good morning.

He comes around the corner dressed exactly like me,

he's got on mutton chops and a moustache, exactly like me,

and as he passes me, he says, "Good morning, Mr. Gordon."

Like a fat fool, I said, "Good morning,"

and I walked right past him.

I could have grabbed him there, and, visible or invisible,

we would have had him.

He must have penetrated your disguise.

Penetrated?

He duplicated it, that copycat!

You had to be mortified.

I wasn't mortified; girls get mortified.

I was just mad that I hadn't decked him, that's all.

Well... well, so much for working from the inside.

Got any other ideas?

'Course.

Well, fire away.

Two tickets to the peace conference,

the spectators gallery.

A.P. II is bound to be there.

You know, all those years of soft living

must have dulled our senses.

In the old days,

no one would have seen through your disguise.

Wait a minute.

He didn't see through my disguise;

he was right here when I did it.

Let's get out of here.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen!

Meeting will come to order!

Any sign of him?

Nothing that I can see.

Gentlemen!

This meeting will come to order.

Schnell! Hah?

Dr. Messenger, before you do this...

the Russian delegation would like to ask

the German delegation a question.

Why?

To determine whether the Russian government

intends to remain for the duration of this conference.

Yes, mm, mm. Yes.

The Russian government would like to know

why the German government has 3,000 combat troops

stationed in Cuba at this particular time.

Where is Cuba?

Where is it?

The German government denies

categorically that there are any German troops in Cuba.

Besides, uh, those troops are in Cuba

for training purposes only.

Gentlemen...

if anyone has any combat troops anywhere,

this is of vital concern to the United States.

I hasten to remind you all of our Monroe Doctrine. Mm-hmm.

Eh, Monroe?

Once again, I must ask:

Why 3,000 German troops in Cuba?!

Once again, as the rulers of Cuba,

I state that those 4,000 troops are in Cuba

for training purposes only.

Shut up, fool! Ah!

The Spanish government orders the Germans

to get its 5,000 troops out of Cuba

within the next 30 days!

It is 6,000 troops, Ah!

And we will keep them in Cuba as long as we like! Ah!

The German government invites the Russian government

to station 6,000 troops in Cuba alongside our own.

In which case, the Russian government

withdraws its objection to the German troops in Cuba.

¡Insolente! Ah?

¡Maleducado! ¡Malparido!

Aah! Schweinhund!

Gentlemen, now...

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen, this is a peace conference!

Please.

Gentlemen! This is a peace conference!

Gentlemen, this is...

this is a peace con...!

You put him down!

Put that delegate... down.

All right, I am going to take names!

I'm tak... what?! Get your hands off me.

On three.

And one, two, three, détente!

What would your mothers say?

This is a peace conference!

I don't believe this.

And those are supposed to be responsible, grown men?

What I don't understand is how Paradine

got all this to happen so fast.

Artie, I don't think Paradine had anything to do with this.

I think the delegates accomplished this

all by themselves.

Let's get out of here. Now.

This is a peace conference, damn it!

I say it's just too much of a coincidence, that's all.

A.P. II wants to wreck a peace conference,

and magically the conference gets wrecked

even before it gets started.

Two childish men can wreck anything,

including a peace conference,

by just opening up their mouths.

I wouldn't have believed it myself

if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

What makes you so sure

that A.P. II had nothing to do with it?

I don't think even A.P. II

can put 6,000 German troops in Cuba.

You're probably right.

It really doesn't matter who's responsible, though, does it?

The point is A.P. II had exactly what he wanted out of this.

Wrong.

I didn't get what I wanted.

As it stands now, the...

the nations are all improperly aligned, don't you see?

It's Great Britain, it's France,

it's Germany and Russia against Spain and Italy.

What kind of a war is that?

It would last two weeks at the most.

Can't these devils put a decent war together?!

You're not going to let a little setback like that

stop you, now, are you?

Of course not.

Fall back on plan two.

You'd like to know what plan two is, wouldn't you, Mr. West?

Not unless you want to tell us.

Well, I shall tell you.

You see what I've done?

Put the little bombs in the various capitals, right?

In London, Paris,

Berlin, Moscow, Madrid,

you see?

And of course, when they go off, complete devastation.

My problem will be, of course,

whether to blame the Germans for Paris

or Paris for Madrid or Madrid for the Russians

or eradicate Berlin

and blame the English.

The possibilities are endless.

What city are you going to eliminate?

Ah, Mr. West,

what a stunning figure of a man,

what a great hero.

How well you did in the snakepit,

thanks to your comrade, Mr. Gordon.

Well, this will put some real mettle into you, a real test!

You shall look for where the bombs

are in the various cities,

and you have 24 hours to find out.

Sounds fair enough.

Please, Mr. West, rather a feeble attempt to lock me in.

Don't be foolish.

Mm. Mm.

Mm.

Watch quickly.

Bye-bye.

I got him, Artie!

I got him right here!

No! You got...!

Over here, boys.

I just don't leave myself one exit.

Adios.

You go that way. I'll go this way.

Artie, it's eight floors down.

He could push us off any time he wanted to.

How do we find him?

I don't know.

A quarter after 9:00,

which gives us a little bit under ten hours

to find out where he is, what he's up to,

and then stop him.

We may have some time to spare.

Oh, you'll forgive me if I don't share your optimism.

To me, the whole thing looks hopeless.

Maybe not, Artie.

Did you know those girls were here?

Not until about two seconds before you did.

Artie, if A.P. II is gone,

what are those two honeys still doing here?

Why don't you go get a couple bottles of champagne?

I'll find out what room they're in,

and I'll meet you in the lobby.

Splendid idea.

But I can't, Jim.

I can't tell you a thing.

Do you know what he'd do to us?

All right,

do you know what city he picked

and where he planted the bomb?

Yes.

Do you know how important it is

for us to find him and to stop him?

Yes.

With the fate of the whole world waiting in the balance,

what are you going to tell us?

Nothing.

Nothing?

I hate to resort to this kind of method,

but with something as important as this...

Where are we going?

Jim!

Artie, no interference. I mean it.

I mean it, too, Jim.

No violence.

I'm going to do what I have to do.

Okay, Daphne.

What are you going to do?

I won't talk.

I won't.

Artie.

Hmm?

Artie, come on, wake up.

Oh.

Boy.

You never cease to amaze me.

How do you do it?

Artie, now is not the time.

Come on, come on, how do you do it?

You can tell me.

I'll tell you later.

Let's get out of here.

12 hours in that room,

you come out here with all that get-up-and-go.

You'll have it, too,

when you find out that the bomb is here

and set to go off at 9:00 a.m.

Here?!

You mean here, here?

No, no, I mean here in Washington.

A.P. II never left.

Dr. Messenger has called an emergency session

to try and get the delegates to mend their differences.

A.P. II planted a bomb in the State Department

set to go off during the meeting.

That's less than an hour.

That's right.

Gentlemen, I spent all evening in shuttle diplomacy

going from one delegate's room to the other,

begging them to come back to the conference table.

Now you tell me you want me

to erase everything I've accomplished?

Uh-uh!

I am about to go down in history

as the greatest peacemaker of all time!

Dr. Messenger,

if you don't cancel that conference,

the only place you're going is up in smoke.

Gentlemen, we must not interfere with destiny.

But you'd better find that bomb,

or I will do such things to you with Sanger and Schloiter

and Striethuntz and...

Go away.

And-and twist...

I don't know which one is sicker,

Professor Albert Paradine or our own Dr. Messenger.

If I tell you, will I ever see you again?

I promise.

You swear?

I swear.

The bomb is hidden underneath the State Department building,

directly below the floor of the conference room.

Thanks, Daphne.

I'm Yvonne.

Thanks, Yvonne.

Come on.

Hey, Artie?

Hmm?

It's been nice knowin' you.

How much time do you think we have left?

I don't think I can reach my watch to tell.

James, my boy, we're absolute fools

to trust Yvonne and Daphne like we did.

Do these hulks realize they're gonna go up

with the rest of us?

Probably not.

Paradine just thinks of 'em as hulks.

Incredible.

Thank you for coming back, Alexei.

Hah?

Thank you for coming back, Alexei.

Ya.

Dr. Messenger?

Bon giorno.

Un gran placer estar aquí.

It's been a broken hand in the cause of peace.

Gut Morgen...

Morgen. Herr Messenger.

Encantado otra vez.

Yes, gracias.

I am sorry. Thank you for returning.

I'm sorry.

It is in the cause of peace.

Funny little man.

Thank God you're both all right.

What are you two doing here?

Pangs of conscience, maybe?

Professor Paradine made us do it.

The bomb's in a briefcase in the conference room,

and it's about to go off any minute now.

Gentlemen, let us put yesterday behind us.

In the spirit of brotherhood, let us forge a shining peace.

But first, let us bow our heads in memory of the security guard

strangled by our distinguished colleague from Belgium.

Gentlemen, there's a bomb set to go off in one of your cases!

I said stay!

Please, please check every one of your briefcases

as quickly as possible.

Una bomba.

Toshiro Mifune's.

Mon dieu.

Hey, that's my teddy bear.

It is not here, but this is not my case.

That's my briefcase! ¿Que es esto?

This is a gift to my wife.

I mean, she loves American underwear.

Souvenirs.

There's no bomb.

I've checked all their bags. Nothing.

Except Messenger's.

What are you doing?

There's a bomb set to go off.

There is no bomb in my briefcase.

Give me the key!

You interrupted me.

I can't believe it.

You're not the two hopeless incompetents I thought you were.

You know that bomb may go off at any minute?

Yes. I set the timer myself.

And you're just gonna sit there and go up with the rest of us?

Hardly.

Found out something rather interesting:

that when I'm invisible, my body changes entirely.

There's obviously two sticks of dynamite.

Put those in my hands, have them go off,

and I'm not even scratched.

I look forward to standing in the middle of the holocaust.

You two gentlemen will be in the middle of Washington.

Boom! Gone!

Myself, not one hair mussed.

Well, gentlemen, see you in eternity.

Something's wrong. I'm not invisible.

Help me! Help me!

You do something.

You built it. Defuse it.

I can't. It would take too long.

You pull yourself together and defuse that bomb.

You hear me?

I-I can't. I'm frightened.

I order you to disconnect that bomb.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Well, here goes nothing.

Thank God!

I'm alive, alive!

There we are.

Edney.

Now you may disappear whenever you wish.

No, you leave him alone.

He belongs to me.

We must close the un-visibility gap.

Colonel Edney, you are still out of your jurisdiction.

Oh, bother.

Take him.

He's yours.

Honestly, I've had enough of you colonials to last me a lifetime.

I'm going back to Great Britain for good.

My regards to Her Majesty.

Really.

Well, gentlemen, go away.

Now you evil, brilliant fellow, you

come along with me.

We got secrets to share.

It would have been such a beautiful moment,

standing in the center of the city,

complete devastation all around me,

bodies falling like rag dolls,

work gloves, horseless carriages. Pity.

No, there'll be another chance.

No, there won't.

Yes, there will. Yes.

Come on.

Bye-bye.

You've got your papa's eyes.

Oh, you're so...

Artie...

maybe we are getting too old for this sort of thing.

What happened? Where are you?

I'm right here. Where are you?

Right here.

But where?

Here, handcuffed to you.

We're un-visible.

James? Hmm?

I think I got this thing working again.

Let me have that thing, Artie.

Sure.

James!

Now it's going to be lost in the Potomac forever.

Good.

But...

Why'd you do that?

Washington is so lovely,

Daphne and I have decided to stay another week.

Well, splendid.

Mr. West.

Who said that?

I did, Dr. Messenger.

Where is my activator?

The little thing that goes bleep-bloop?

Well, I threw it in the river.

It shouldn't be too hard to find.

I think I'm going to faint.

You do, and I will kick you to death.

Don't yank me so hard. You're hurting me.

I'll yank your arm out by the roots

if you don't keep up with me from now on.

James, don't you think that falls under the heading

of cruel and inhuman punishment,

being invisible and handcuffed

to Albert Paradine for the rest of your life?

I think they deserve each other.

You may be right.

I've never been so cold in my life.

Can't we rest a minute?

I'll never rest until we find that gizmo of yours.

Here we go again.

No, please.

I can't hold my breath as long as you can.

Then you'd better learn to live without air.

The only way to fly.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Robert T. "Skinny" Malone IV,

present-day custodian of the files of the Secret Service.

When one delves into the ancient files,

one is struck by the improbability of these cases

of James West and Artemus Gordon.

The idea that a man could become invisible is obviously absurd.

My apologies, and good night.

†