All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s09e06 A Fool and His Money.eng

Now, I-I've seen
a few 1943 Jeeps over the years,

but a '42 is pretty rare,

-isn't it?
-Yeah.

Rarer than
a fiscally responsible Democrat.

[chuckles]
I can't believe we get to restore this.

I don't want you wiping
the dirt off.

That dirt could be
from Normandy.

That's D-Day dirt.

I for one am glad
there was an old guy out there

with a ton of money willing
to pay for this restoration.

-Oh, this is gonna be fun.
-Yeah.

Just remember,
when we get this finished,

I'm the first guy that gets
to shoot the machine gun.

Having served in a war, Baxter,
shooting a machine gun

-isn't my idea of fun.
-No?

Now, a rocket launcher, that'll
put some lead in your pencil.

Bad news, boys.

The restoration is off.

What do you mean
the restoration's off?

I saw Arnold yesterday-- he was
over the moon over this thing.

No, it's Albert.
That was yesterday.

Sadly enough,
things have changed.

If it's about money,
let me at him.

I can persuade anybody
to do anything.

He's dead, Baxter.

He passed away
last night, Mikey.

CHUCK:
That's gonna make it

a bit of a challenge
to persuade him.

Not so fast.

What funeral home?

♪

[groans softly]

Hey.

Everything okay?

My old guy died.

Oh, God. Ed?

No, no, no.

Ed's still doing one-armed
push-ups in the parking lot.

No, I'm talking about Arnold--
uh... Albert...

"A," it's got an "A," "A."

Arn... Andy, Andy...

Ar... I think it's an "A."

I'm not getting the sense that
you guys were really that close.

Anyway, it was the guy
that I was gonna restore that...

Jeep with the 50-caliber
machine gun in it.

That killed more Nazis
than Indiana Jones.

Well, you know what,
I'm sorry, Mike.

I know how long it took you

-to find that Jeep.
-No, honey,

I was really looking forward

to restoring that Jeep,

and then the guy goes and dies.

Why does this
always have to happen to me?

Yep, the universe
obviously hates you,

said his beautiful wife
in his lovely home.

Yeah.

What are we having for dinner?

Lobster.
Oh, wait. You know what?

Tell me again
how crappy your life is.

You know, they call the Jeep
the "Savior of World War II."

Man, if it was a character
in a movie,

it would be played by Tom Hanks.

You know, I don't understand
this Arthur or Albert...

He's at the end of his life,

and the one thing he wants
is some old Jeep?

It's not "some old Jeep."

It's a GPW.

Government-issued,
and it worked.

That's the last time
that has ever happened.

I know, but what's the point?

I mean,
he could have used that money

to do some good in the world.

Or he could make himself happy.
That's what guys do.

When I'm 90,
I'm gonna buy that Trans Am

from Smokey and the Bandit.

And that cool hat.

Well, you knock yourself out.

I will be in Spain.

And I don't think all guys are
that frivolous with money.

Yeah, car guys are,

he said proudly.

Oh, yeah? Look at Joe.

I mean, his mother died

and left him
quite a nice inheritance,

and he hasn't bought
a bunch of cars.

That's right,
he has that mom money.

Yeah, which he's saving.

I mean, he and I,
we've talked a lot about it.

Is he still coming
to the book club

of yours
and pretending he can read?

We have actual conversations.

You know, it's when...
when one person actually listens

to the other?

I'm listening.
I heard everything you said.

-Okay.
-You gave me a good idea.

I think Joe
should buy that Jeep.

No, Mike, I just told you, he
is not frivolous with his money.

Frivolous? It has
a 50-caliber machine gun on it.

-[speaking quietly]
-JEN: Hi.

-Hi.
-Oh, hey. Oh, wow,

you already put Sarah to bed--
that was fast.

Well, most people make
the mistake

of reading fun children's books
before bed.

I read her
an air conditioning manual.

She went out like that.

Wow, you're like a, uh,
boring Mary Poppins.

Oh, and she said
the cutest thing

right before she fell asleep.

She said,
"Can you pull up my blankie?

I want to cover my butt."

I'm sorry.

She said what?

"Butt." I think
it's short for "buttocks."

Um...

yeah, so,
w-we don't use that word.

We say "bottom."

KYLE:
Yeah, so, uh,

"B" is a gateway swear.

You know?
First she says "B,"

then she says "B-head"

and then "B-f-face."

And before you know it, she's
working at a tattoo parlor,

smoking non-filter cigarettes.

Where did Sarah
even hear that word?

It wasn't me.

Okay. Just...

just please watch your language
around her.

Yeah, Jen...

my father, he swore a lot.

Do you know where he is now?

Where?

No one knows!

He swore and then disappeared.

You wanted to see me?

Yeah. I'd like
to take you to lunch.

We've never had lunch together.

You said you hate
watching me chew.

What are you up to, Baxter?

I want you to buy
the dead man's Jeep.

Why me?

'Cause you have the money,
you have the space

to keep it
after we finish restoring it,

and since we're
restoring it here,

we won't have time
to eat together.

Not that I could afford it,

but, I don't know,
maybe you heard,

my boss,
he's kind of a cheap bastard.

Whatever it is you're making,
Joe, you're overpaid.

-You've got that inheritance
from your mom. -I'm not touching that money.

What are you gonna do, wait
till you get a little older?

News flash...
[whistles]

That's my mom's money,
and I don't feel right

-spending it on me, okay?
-You love cars,

and this is a vehicle
that kicked Hitler's ass.

-I don't know.
-Come on.

Like, I bet your mom's looking
right down at you right now,

right this minute,
and she's going,

"Come on,
you're a good boy, Joe.

Treat yourself."

Actually, she used to call me
"Joey Bear."

Treat yourself...

Joey Bear.

-Let me think about it.
-No, wait.

No, no, when has thinking
ever got you anywhere?

This is time for action.

[whispering]:
You got to take action, action,

take action.

-Okay, let's do it!
-Yeah!

-Yes! Great decision.
-Yeah. All right.

And we're gonna do this right.

-Yeah.
-I'll order all the best parts, right?

I'll bet you, General Patton,
he's looking down at me

and saluting-- not me--

he's looking down at us
right now and...

Look, since it's my Jeep,
I get to call the shots.

Right. Let's just pretend
that's the case.

First to go, the machine gun.

Uh-huh. In all
the excitement of the moment,

I swear I heard you say the
stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Machine gun's got to go.

And let's get
some oversized tires.

Oversized tires?

Make it like a off-road vehicle,
you know?

It's a Jeep!

It isan off-road vehicle.

They didn't win World War II
in a strip mall.

I want some paint
that really pops.

Maybe, like, school bus yellow,
you know?

Have you lost
what's left of your mind?

Look, I'm sure I'll have
more ideas as we go along,

but this is enough
to get started.

You know,
this is a classic vehicle.

You can't desecrate
something like this.

I can do whatever I want, okay?

I bought it, and we shook on it!

Yeah? Yeah?

Your mom just said, "Don't
screw this up, Joey Bear."

What kind of a madman would take
a 50-caliber machine gun

off of a Jeep?

I don't know
what to tell you, Mike.

I just came in here
to get some paper towels.

It's a piece
of American history.

It doesn't need modifications.

[scoffs]:
I mean, you're not gonna give the Mona Lisa

a boob job, are you?

Well, youmight.

I mean, you do have a type.

He wants to paint flames
on the side of the Jeep.

All right.
Well, sounds like fun.

I'm not gonna let
that nincompoop

destroy an American classic,
you know?

I'm just gonna buy
the Jeep myself.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think
you're gonna keep it?

[chuckles]
In the driveway.

Okay, uh,
you know what, I-I just,

I have two problems with that.

-Yeah?
-[chuckles]: Um, one...

-I don't want a machine gun
in the driveway. -Okay.

And two, I don't want
a machine gunin the driveway!

They won't check the meter
as often.

All right, you want the Jeep?

Okay, you can keep it in here
and just, uh, sell your truck.

I'm not selling the truck.
I can't. I-It's my truck.

Well, then, no Jeep.

Look, besides,
Joe might not even sell it.

It sounds like
he's having a lot of fun.

I don't get it.

He usually has such respect
for the classics.

He won't even work on a car
from the '60s

with a wrench from the '80s.

You know, when somebody acts
out of character like that,

it could be... could be
kind of a cry for help.

[chuckles]:
Why doesn't he cry like the rest of us--

alone in the shower.

You know I can hear you.

Maybe Joe
is going through something.

Look, one thing I know about
being in book club with him

is that... that he is
a very sensitive, emotional man.

Mm-hmm, who chews
with his mouth open.

-[grunting]
-You know what?

I... I'm gonna have
a talk with him, okay? I will.

And maybe I can help him
get in touch with...

whatever it is
he's going through.

Yeah, that's what I was gonna
do, but you go ahead first,

you know, and no takebacks.

Anyway, you may want
to keep an eye on Jen

when she's babysitting.

She may be using some words
you don't want Evelyn to hear.

Yeah, she's like a sailor.

Just, you know,
without the tattoos

or bell-bottoms or...

love of spinach.

Wow. Well, uh,
thanks for the heads-up.

You have to be so vigilant
raising kids these days.

It's really a pain in the butt.

You don't happen to use
that word in front of Sarah,

do you?

What, "butt"?
I-I don't know, probably.

-Oh, God.
-All right.

Apparently we need
to apologize to Jen,

because we accused
the wrong potty mouth.

You're upset about
the word "butt"?

Oh! Okay, she said it again.

It's like we're in
a Scorsese movie.

Guys, what's going on?

Uh, well, Kyle is upset
'cause I may have said "butt"

in front of Sarah.

Yeah, you're darn tootin'.

Great. Great, now I'm swearing.

Okay, look,
we're just very sensitive

to Sarah being exposed
to that word.

Come on, it's part of the body.

I mean, let's not let society
make us ashamed

of our own biology, man.

You know?
Let... let butts be butts.

Okay, that's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

BOTH:
Whoa.

Okay, we-we don't use
the S-word here.

"Stupid"?

I hope you don't say that word
in front of Evelyn.

We don't like to use negative
labels that might inhibit

our child's intellectual growth.

[laughs] That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, come on, man.
Let stupid be stupid.

Okay, you know what?
Maybe let's just watch a movie.

Uh, how about
that Steve Carell movie

-Crazy, Stupid, Love?
-Yeah.

-Or you know what? We could
watch The Butt-erfly Effect. -[chuckles]

Oh, yeah, I like that movie.

[whispers indistinctly]

Oh, I see what you did.

-Hey.
-Oh, hey.

So I just had
a long conversation with Joe

after book club.

Well, you probably need this
more than me.

I don't, uh, I don't have
an appetite right now.

Great.

So, what'd you find out?

He thinks he killed his mother.

Killed his mom?

I should've noticed that,
he's got that Norman Bates look

-about him.
-No, Mike.

I don't want this. Here.

He didn't kill his mom. Come on.

You remember the story.
She got really ill, right?

He put her in the hospital
and she passed away.

Yeah, well, the problem
is she hated hospitals

and she begged him
not to let them admit her,

but Joe sided with the doctors.

But that was
the right thing to do.

I mean, he's guilty of a lot of
stuff-- eating the first donut,

the last donut,
the one in the middle--

-but Joe had nothing to do
with the passing of his mom. -I...

I know that, you know that,
but Joe has been blaming himself

ever since it happened.

Well, did you talk to him?

-No.
-Did you slap him and just say, "Hey, snap out of it"?

[stammers]

I didn't know what to say.

No, he was going on and on
about his guilt.

And I-I tried to relate,
but you know

I only feel guilty
about one thing.

Oh, please not the story
about the newspaper.

-Please.
-It was 1984.

Feels like yesterday.

I put a quarter
in the vending machine,

I opened the door,
and suddenly, I...

I thought to myself...

"Hey, why not take
two newspapers?"

"Why not take two newspapers?"

You know,

the newspaper ink
was easy to wash off,

but I could never wash away
the guilt.

Take it easy on yourself.

You were doing the best
you could to survive

those mean streets
of Greenwich, Connecticut.

Oh, stop it.

Please tell me
you didn't use this story

-to try to cheer Joe up.
-No.

Of course not. No.

No, he was hurting, Mike.

I-- Really, it's so sad.

What? Please don't say that.

What? Why?

Because...

Joe fills a specific role
in my life.

I don't want to know
that that doofus is sad.

Honey, he could really use
a friend right now.

Well, I could really use
a friend right now.

Uh, maybe a friend
that would allow me to have

-a machine gun in the driveway.
-Oh, okay.

Talk to him. Talk to him.

-He needs you.
-You know who used to need me,

was this Bundt cake.

-Does it need me?
-Well, I'll take it.

Why don't you get another slice?

Take two, like the newspaper?

Okay, so Jen is reading
The New England Journal

of Medicineto the girls,
so I think we've got some time.

We have to come to an agreement
about what words

we're gonna say
around the girls.

Agreed. Uh, babe,
did you bring our list?

Yeah. Okay.
[clears throat]

All right, item number one
is "butt"

will now be referred to
as now "bottom."

Agreed.

Reluctantly.

And, uh, other body parts,
we have, uh, "willie"

and "downstairs."

Uh, boys have a willie,
girls have a downstairs.

Are you kidd-- wh--
"Downstairs"?

Y-Yeah, it's polite
and location-correct.

-Oh, my...
-Okay, yeah, it's fine.

We will give you "willie"
and "downstairs,"

but in return,
we don't want Evelyn to hear

"stupid" or "bad."

How do you not say "bad"?

What are they,
The-The Good News Bears?

Well, instead,
Kristin and I like to say,

"Your behavior is concerning,"
and "How do we address this

in a more positive way?"

She's a child, not a lawyer.

We tell Evelyn she can
be whatever she wants to be.

We say the same thing to Sarah.

Oh, well, I hope she's not
becoming a doctor.

"We got your results back,
Mr. Jones.

-You have a willie infection."
-Oh...

Hey.

[speaking Cantonese]

Yeah, I know what
you're saying, Jen,

but explain it to the others.

I said that you guys
are great parents

and this conversation shows
how much you care

about your children.

Eh, that's not what
it sounded like.

The words aren't the problem.

It's how you say them.

[sighs]:
Ay, ay, ay.

I'm sorry. I-I guess
I just got carried away

'cause it's our first kid.

Maybe we should all just be
a little more sensitive, okay?

Anyone else need
a glass of wine?

I think we have a case
of pinot downstairs.

BOTH:
Whoa!

Basement. Base--
I mean basement. We...

We just learned these.

What you up to, Joe?

Oh, just pulling this carb off.

That rebuild kit you ordered
just came in.

Ah. Need any help?

"Need any help"?

Usually you say,
"Move over, jackass."

I am fluent
in several languages, Joe.

You know, when I was
driving over here, uh,

I was thinking about that,
uh, '53 Corvette

that that buddy of Ed's
brought by to get an estimate.

-And I was just thinking
about Donuts. -Huh.

That-that's my new cat.

Do you remember that, uh,
Corvette owner's reaction

when we told him
the repair included

rebuilding his entire engine?

Oh, yeah. He had
the same reaction a guy has

when you tell him
his wife is ugly.

I'll take your word for that.

The guy was pissed, though.
Remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Drove off calling us
a bunch of idiots.

Well, maybe we were idiots,
but a week later, what happened?

His engine blew up.

What a dope.

You know, I remember
how cute he looked

climbing that cat tower. Ah...

I don't, I don't, I don't think
the Corvette owner

was climbing a cat tower.

No, my cat Donuts.

Oh.

The way your mind wanders,

it's surprising
you get anywhere.

The point I'm making
is that the...

the Corvette owner's
car was sick,

you know, and he didn't want
to take it someplace

that, you know,
might have fixed it.

You know, I think I'm gonna
work on my Jeep alone.

-I want to talk about this.
-Fine.

What if the Corvette didn't
want to go someplace?

What if it just wanted
to be left alone?

Well, that's what happened,
right?

And then the engine blew up.

Yeah, but what if the guy
who brought it in

didn't want to go
and it blew up anyway?

What's the difference?

The difference is
you did your best.

You took care of your mom, you
did what you thought was right.

My mom?

I thought we were talking
about a Corvette.

You bastard.

You know, it's weird
with her gone,

I mean, every night
I'd make her a martini

and she'd talk about
the "pretty Walter Cronkite."

Well, in the right light...
[whistles]

...he was a looker.

Not the newsman.
That was o-one of my cats.

I spent two years

pretending like I didn't miss
my dad after he passed away.

It's a waste of time.

-You know, I, uh,
I miss her, Mike. You know? -Yeah.

Well, that's because you were
a good son, Joey Bear.

-Thanks for saying that.
-Yeah.

Um... we don't have to hug
or anything, right?

No, I don't...

Actually, you got a little time
to, uh, help me with something?

Sure, unless it's putting
a calliope on the back of this.

No, I'm thinking of putting
that .50 caliber back on.

Seriously?

Yeah. You know,
this Jeep was in its prime

about the same time as my mom.

Who also carried a weapon daily.

Exactly.

I want to remember
Mom at her best,

and I think this Jeep
deserves the same respect.

Well, I think you can stop
your mind from wandering, Joe.

You found a home.

So you want to help?

Move over, jackass.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

One of my favorite philosophers,
Charlie Brown,

said it best, "Good grief."

Because as lousy as it feels,
grief is good.

It means you loved somebody.

And even if the rest of us
can't figure out why,

they loved you, too.

If somebody in your family
passed away

and you didn't feel anything,
that would be sad.

They say two things in life
are inevitable, death and taxes.

One of those, of course,
deprives you of something

you love, cherish and need,
the other one is death.

But let's face it, we're all
heading to the celestial shore.

Well, not all of us.

If you drive 55
in the passing lane

you're headed
to eternal damnation.

Move over!

[imitates horn honk]

But once we cast off
into the great beyond,

how do we want the people
we leave behind to feel?

Hmm.

Well, we don't want them
dancing in the street.

Okay? We all know that.

So when you're grieving
the loss of a loved one,

you know what they'd want
from you?

They'd want you to be
the kind of person

that people will miss as much
as you miss them. Baxter out.

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