All language subtitles for Killer.Weekend.2018.HDRip.AC3.x264-CMRG

[all chanting]
- Down it! Down it!

Down it!
Down it!

Down it! Down it!
Down it!

Down it!
Down it!

- Haven't you finished it yet?
- Come on, down it!

- Go on!

- Jesus Christ.

- Yeah!

[retching]

- Oh, bloody hell.

[horn honking]
- You stupid shit!

- Sorry. Sorry!

- Good start to the day.

- Mate, he's seventy

with a puke covered windscreen

and he's still driving
faster than you.

- I'm driving at the speed limit.
- Yeah.

- There you go.

- Oh, come on, it's not even
breakfast time yet.

- It's your stag.
It's the law.

Myles?
- Why, thank you.

- And, one for our kind driver.

- Seriously?

[childish music]
♪♪

- Er, what the fuck
is this shit?

Huh?

- Sorry, it's on shuffle.

It's one of Billy's.
He loves this song.

You should see him
bopping away whenever...

Oh, sorry, do I bore you
talking about my son?

Oh, well maybe you bore me

with talk about your wedding.

- I didn't say anything.

- Maybe when you all grow up

you'll understand
that having a baby

is one of the greatest gifts
a man can get.

- If he was such a great gift,

why the fuck did I have
to buy you a present

when he was born?

- Cause that's just what you do.

- Oh, what time did you
tell Cheese to get there?

- Er, seven-fifteen.

- Cheese is coming?
- Yeah.

- Ah, nice.
I haven't seen him in years.

- Why did you tell him
to get there later?

- I don't want him
to spend too much time

with Rachel's dad.

- Colonel Gerald.

- Commander, I think.
- Like Bond.

- Yeah, except Bond's
military history

is marginally less fictional.

- What do you mean?
- I mean,

I spoke to him at your
engagement party,

and no way was that total
bell piece in the army.

- Yes he was.
- Seen any pictures?

- Well, no, but he was in
a secret division.

- Bollocks.

- Well, there's one thing
I know for sure

and that's that he doesn't
really like me,

so it's probably best
he doesn't spend

much of the weekend
with my alcoholic,

drug dealing,
nutcase of a friend.

- Oh, come on,

Cheese isn't going
to be like he was at uni.

He's in his thirties
for crying out loud.

I'm sure he doesn't
deal drugs anymore,

he's probably like a...

- Drive.

Drive!

- Go, go, go, go.

["Kill The Power" by Kindred]

♪♪

♪ This is a resident evil
attack

♪ Zombie take over,
boy watch your back

♪ Infected disease,
unprotected

♪ Soul catcher, listen,
everybody dress black

♪ Good vs evil,
evil vs worse

♪ Words for fella man,
words verse curse

♪ Don't fuck with we

♪ Somebody body
wanna fuck with we

♪ An itchy itchy bombs gang

♪ Oh...

♪ Push the man with
the heavyweight sound

♪ You ain't killing
what cannot be killed

♪ I'm not joking,
the blood gets spilled

♪ On the ground
you're gonna stay long

♪ That's the way
cemetery gets filled

♪ Oh...

♪ No retreating,
no surrender

♪ Oh...

♪ Push the man with
the heavyweight sound

♪ We running it,
gunning it

♪ You know you can't
kill the power

♪ Skinning it,
killing it

♪ You know you can't
kill the power ♪

- See, I told you
we'd get here in time.

- What's happening, fuckers?

- [all] Eh!
- Cheese!

[laughing]

- What the fuck
is Al Dennis doing here?

- I went to his wedding
so I had to invite him.

- But he's the most boring
man in the world.

- I know, but for some reason

he thinks we're
really good friends.

- Sam, my buddy!
- Hey Al.

- Such an honor to be spending
the weekend with you.

How's Rebecca?

- Rachel.
She's good.

- Great.

Great!

- How you doing, Brandon?

- Sam.

- Honestly, what does your
sister see in that prick?

You alright, mate?

How's Michelle?

- She's fine.

- Everyone, this is
Rachel's dad, Gerald.

Gerald, Toby.

- Hello, Toby.
- Hey.

- Eric.

And Myles.

- Oh, we've met.

- Yes, of course.

- Right, now that boring
shite's out the way.

- Pass 'em down.

- Here you go.

To Sam!

- To Sam!
- Sam!

[glasses clink]

- Cheers.

[glasses clank]

- [gagging]

- [exhales]

- So that's sixty.

How much was the
special breakfast?

- Oh, for fuck's sake,
just split it.

- I only had a coffee.

You know, some of us
didn't sell our souls

to earn stupid amounts of money.

- And some of us
get paid in hard cash,

and not smug vouchers.

Anyway, I didn't sell my soul.

My job's cool, mate.

- You're a lawyer, aren't you?

- Boring.

- If it's so boring,
how comes there's, like,

billions of TV shows and films
written about lawyers?

Hmm? You don't see
any TV shows

about cancer researchers,
do you?

No.

- Oh, are you curing cancer,
Toby?

That's amazing.

- Thank you.

- There you go,

five pounds worth
of smug right there.

Kerching.

You know why there's no
TV shows written

about cancer researchers?

Because it'd be one big
mystery at the start,

and then season after season,

no one would ever
fucking solve it.

- Sounds a bit like Lost.

But there you go.

- So, tell me, Eric,

what exactly is this thing
we're going to.

- Yeah, tell us.

- It's a survival weekend.

A hyper realistic simulation
of the apocalypse.

Humanity at its most raw.

Living off the land.

Fighting against the cruel
mother nature.

All the while being hunted by...

the walking dead.

- It's paintball with twats
dressed as zombies.

- Yeah.
- Sounds cool.

- Actually, it's like,

run by loads of ex-squaddies.

- Well, that stands to reason.

After a career in the military,

witnessing unspeakable horrors,

there's nothing you crave
more than a weekend spent

running around the woods
playing puerile,

make believe war games.

- Yeah, Sam said
you were in the army.

- Navy.

- Where was it you served again?

- That's classified.

- Of course, yeah.
Classified.

- He could tell you,
but he'd have to kill you.

- I could kill you.

- Okay.
- Well, erm...

thanks for organizing
this guys, anyway.

[chuckles]
Should be good fun.

[smacks lips]
- Fun?

It's gonna be awesomeballs.

- Sorry, what was that?

- Awesomeballs.

It's a new word I invented.

- Well, it sounded like
you were actually talking about

a magnificent set of testicles.

- I fucking like it.

- Nice one, Cheese.
Bosh.

- How was everything, alright?

- Yeah, fine, thanks.
- Beautiful, thanks.

- Actually, the rat...

I'm assuming it was rat
was a smidgen dry,

and this, uh, crappuccino

tasted a little bit like, um...

yeah, I'm gonna say
it's monkey jizz.

Monkey jizz.

Anyone else got a...
Just me.

- You're so rude.

Why can't you just say it's
fine like a normal person.

- Because it wasn't fine.

It's for her own good, mate.

Two years time there'll be
a Starbucks down the road

and she won't be able
to compete.

It's positive feedback.

- I don't think "monkey jizz"

ever counts as
positive feedback.

- Unless you're
sucking off a baboon.

- Yeah.

- Fair point.

[ominous music swells]
♪♪

- There's a weirdo
staring at you.

Why is there a weirdo
staring at you?

- Presumably in response
to your foul language.

- My foul...?

He said that.

- Jesus, he looks like a psycho.

- Myles, apologies now
before I get killed.

- Never apologize, Sam,
it's a sign of weakness.

- We are weak!

- Maybe, but there's,
like, eight of us.

What's he going to do?

You alright, mate?

Hmm?

Hello?
Anyone home?

No?

- I think we should
get out of here.

- Yeah.

Jesus.

Looks like we found
our first zombie.

[birds chirping]

- I'm not sure this is right.

- Just keep going.

- There's no point
driving aimlessly.

We should ask someone.
- Good idea.

Shall we ask this cow?

- Oh look,
there's a sign over there.

A sinisterly worded,
misspelled sign,

scrawled in what
appears to be blood.

I say go for it.

- Yeah, they couldn't spell
in the emails either,

so this is definitely it.

[snare drum sounding]
[patriotic humming]

- Oh, yes.

- Boo.

- So what now?

- Err.
I dunno.

I guess we just head up to the...

[paintball whizzing by]

Jesus!
- Oi!

New recruits!

Get yourselves in here now!

- Oh, how delightful.

- Come on, move yourselves.
Faster. Faster!

- Bandages.

Antiseptic.
- Move yourselves!

- Will you hurry up?

- Give me a second.

Compass.

Ropes.

- What is all this?
- A survival kit.

- What the fuck is that?!

- It's a knife.

I thought you said
it was paintballing.

- We might get lost
in the woods.

I might have to hunt deer
or whittle something.

- Whittle?
You're a fucking mental.

- Oi, you two!
- Whatevs.

- Get in here now!

Move yourself faster!
- [giggles]

- Move yourself faster!
- Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

- My name is Marshall.

And your name
is lucky son of a bitch.

Lucky,

cause you made it this far.

But your journeys
are only just beginning.

Now as you know,

the world has gone to hell.

The undead are
roaming the streets.

[paintball gun clicks]

And they've taken
over the cities.

But we,

we're gonna fight back.

Are you with me?

- [all] Sir, yes, sir!

[sarcastic]
- Yeah, woo-hoo!

- We got ourselves
a bit of a smart ass.

So what, you don't think
our situation's serious?

- Not really, no.
- Not really, no. No.

- [pops gum]

- Well get yourself down
and do twenty, now.

- Yeah, that's not
going to happen.

- I said, give me twenty.
- [squeals in pain]

- Twenty!

Right, the enemy's deadly.

He's fast, he's powerful.

Fearless.

But you...

you can beat him.

Right,

check your equipment.

Start with your truncheon.

- Knife, you dickhead.

- Now, it may not
seem like much,

but the undead's body is soft.

Repeated blows
with this implement

and the zombie will succumb.

- [screaming]
- You're a fucking woman, are you?

Come on!
Hit it! Hit it!

- I want to kill you!
- Hit the fucking thing!

- Next, you've got your
standard issue firearm.

The T-70 single fire
assault rifle.

[paintball gun clicking]

- Kill the primary.

- [laughing]

- Ow!
- It's working now.

- Fucking hell!

- The most important thing...

the one thing
you must remember...

is you never shoot
the target in the head.

Always go for the body.

- Nonsense.

- You got something to say,
recruit?

- Sir, yes, sir!

It's just that you should always
shoot a zombie in the head,

sir.

- Well not these ones.
- But...

- Are you back-chatting me,
fatty?

- Sir, no, sir!
Ow...

- Now you get down on the floor,

you fat piece of shit,
and give me twenty.

You can truncheon the head,
but you do not shoot there!

- That just seems inconsistent...

- Anyone else wanna talk
about consistency?

- Right, you can talk the talk.

Now it's time to walk the walk.

Need a volunteer.

Which one of you has got
a pair of bollocks?

- Come on, you bunch
of fucking nonces!

- Go on, Sam.
You're the stag.

- Oh, no, no,
I've got a bit of a...

[all chanting]
- Sammy! Sammy!

Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

- Okay, okay, alright.
I'll volunteer.

- Good lad.

Step up then, soldier.

Now we're very lucky,
couple of weeks ago,

to capture one of the undead.

Now he hasn't eaten

and he's got the right hump.

[chains clinking]
[zombie moaning]

- Isn't that the guy
from the cafe?

- Yeah.
Yeah, it is.

- [whimpering]

[zombie groaning]

- Well, go on, shoot him!

[paintball gun clicks]
[zombie groaning]

[all cheering]

- Oh, right.

[zombie groaning]

[paintball gun clicking]

- Use your truncheon.

- No, no, no...

[zombie groaning]

- [Sam screaming]

- Well, go on, hit him then!

- Fucking help me
you cunt balls!

[all cheering]

- Go on, son, hit him!

- Die!
Fucking die!

[panting]

[laughing]
I killed him!

I fucking killed him!

[laughing]

[paintball gun fires]
- Right, soldiers.

Your training is now
officially over.

Move out!

[military drum roll]
♪♪

- Come on!
Come on!

Move, move, move, move!
Get in there!

Come on, speed up,
get yourself up there!

- In the back, now!

- Get in there!

- Hurry up! Hurry up!

Right!

- Right, everybody grab
a ration pack and a map.

[military drum roll]
♪♪

- Ah, thank God!

[spitting]

Is that vodka?

- Now, you're gonna split
into two teams.

Your mission is to
rendezvous at our bunker

on the far side
of the woods by sundown.

The bunker is marked
on your map as a large X.

But be aware...

these woods are teaming
with the undead.

If you wanna make
it through alive,

you'll have to stay alert
and work as a team.

Any questions?

- Yeah, I quite need a dump.

Is there anything by way
of toilet facilities

before we get to the bunker?

- Dig a hole, mate.

- Okay.

Do you have
any toilet paper or...?

- Leaves.

- Leaves. Right.

- Try not to use
stinging nettles.

- [laughing]

Cocks.

- Do you want some heroin,
Myles?

It'll clog you right up.

- [all laughing]

- That's hilarious, Cheese.

You've got to stop
with those great jokes.

[knocking on cab]

- One minute until die time,

you bunch of fucking pussies.

- So, you guys were in the army?

Uh, Gerald,
my father-in-law to be,

he was in the army too, right?

- Navy.

- Right.

He was an officer though.

Not to say that you guys
weren't officers, too.

You could've been.

Right?

What do I know?

- Where did you serve, mate?

- That's classified.

[laughing]
- Good chat.

[knocking on cab]

- First group!
- [all moaning]

- Right, well, er, I'll go.

- Me too.

- I'm in.
- Obviously.

- Actually, wait a second,
Myles.

Gerald,

as my future father-in-law,

would you like to take part
in this adventure with me?

- Nnnnnno.

[patriotic flute music]
♪♪

[birds chirping]

♪♪

- I cannot believe you
were about to leave me

with that weirdo Al and your
dickhead brother-in-law.

- You know, right now,

Cheese is probably
forcing Gerald

to snort coke out
of some zombie's butt crack.

[laughing]
- If it's any consolation,

I doubt whatever's happening
is going to leave

a worse impression
than watching you

getting dry humped
by that massive retard.

- That was your fault!

- I may have
antagonized him a bit,

but the screaming
like a little girl

that's on you, mate.

Anyway, it doesn't explain
why the rest of them

are so fucking nasty.

I'd like to say it's PTSD,

but frankly, I think
they're just wankers.

- They certainly take it
all very seriously.

- Yeah.

- Any idea what that means?

- Nope.

How long till we
get there, Toby,

I really need a shit.

- I dunno.

According to the compass
on my phone,

I don't think we're
going the right way.

- Oi!
Cockhead!

- Shh.
- Come here, you massive tool!

- Can you keep it down?

Zombies have super
sensitive hearing.

- Okay, so firstly,

I don't even think
that's a thing.

- It definitely is a thing.
- It's not a thing.

- Secondly, they're not
actually zombies,

they're a bunch of
psychotic squaddies

in shitty make-up.

Thirdly, what is the point
in us going on

a zombie killing weekend

if we're going to avoid
all the zombies?

- Yeah, otherwise
it's just a really

- inappropriately dressed ramble.
- Exactly.

- Okay, well firstly,

fuck your mother.
- Right.

- Secondly, how is your mother?
- She's fine, thanks.

- Tell her I said hello.
- I will.

- And thirdly,

what do you actually want?

- Toby says you're
taking us the wrong way.

- Well, he's an idiot.
Look at him.

- I admit my PhD
wasn't in orienteering,

but I think I can read a map.

We're going North, right?
- Right.

- Fine.
North is that way.

- No, no, no, no, no.

North is that way.

- Not according to my phone.

- Yeah, because
it's a bloody phone.

I've got a proper compass, bruv.

- Why have you got a compass?

- He's got a whole survival kit.
- Yeah, I do.

- And a huge fucking knife.

- For whittling.
- Of course.

- Whittling, right.

- Let me see that compass.

Right, the needle's
pointing that way.

- Yes, but we're going North,

which is "N" on the dial.

Which means
we're going that way.

- Do you mean the dial
you can just spin around?

That changes direction depending
on which way you hold it.

- Must be broken.

- You're broken, you moron.

- I bet you wish you went with the other group now, eh?
- Yeah.

- Let's do this.

Goggles on.

- Shut up.

- Guess you must be excited.

About the wedding and all.

Welcoming Sam into the family.

- Hmm.

- He's a diamond, you know.

- [sniffs]

- What's that?

- Nothing.
Nothing at all.

- Listen, I know what it's like
to have a daughter.

The never ending worry.

- You have a daughter?
- I have a cat.

Don't trust children.

Always nicking your pills,
thinking they're sweets.

But if Mrs. McFluff
was to make love to a man

I'd want it to be Sam.

He's kind, tender, dependable.

- I admire your loyalty, Cheese,

I'll say that much.

In the heat of battle
there are few better qualities.

- Oh, well if it's
loyalty you want,

then Sam's your man.

This one time at uni he
swallowed an entire ounce

of weed to save me
from the rozzer.

An entire ounce.

It scarred him for life.

Mainly due to the dubious
sexual experience

he had when he was high,

but that's what I call
integrity.

- Yeah, it's true,
when we used to work together,

if ever Sam was
going to get a coffee,

he would always get one for me.

- Exactly.
That's what I'm saying.

- I'll take it under advisement.

Tell me, why do they
call you Cheese?

- Oh, I sense a crazy
story coming on.

- Yeah.
Well, no, actually.

I just really
fucking like cheese.

- Look, he wants the beer.

- Starting early.

- Yeah.

Ooh, here he is
dressed as a lion.

[sarcastic]
- "As a lion."

- Very cute.

[brush rustling]

- No.

Nope.

Nope.

Hmm.
Soft and furry.

Like wiping with
an actual puppy.

Okay.
Let's do this.

- Really?

You're having soup
at the wedding?

- Billy loves soup.

- Yeah?

[baby cooing ring tone]

- Talk of the devil.

Well, it's actually Suzy.

- I figured.

- Hey, babe.

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, we're having loads of fun.

Nope.

No, there are no naked women.

I promise.

Yeah, put him on.

Hello!
- Aw...

- Hello!

Yeah, it's daddy.

Yes, it is!
Yes, it is!

Uh-huh.

Okay, well
I'll see you tomorrow.

Well give him
a big kiss from me.

Okay, alright.

Bye. Bye.

What is your problem?

- I'll tell you what
my problem is.

Take a look around you.

We're at the mercy
of the elements.

Face to face with nature.

At war with a deadly enemy.

For once, you have the chance

to experience real life
and your missing it.

- This is literally
not real life.

- Oh what and screaming babies

and wedding menus,
is that real life?

- Yes. Yes, it is.
That's what grown ups do.

- Yeah, well it sounds shit!

You know what,
I'm an idiot, right,

I'm an idiot.

I thought for one weekend,
just one weekend,

we could all get together
like old times.

[deep voice]
The Crazy Crew.

- The Crazy Crew?

- What, you don't remember
the Crazy Crew?

- Crazy Crew!

- When I first moved
down South, the Crazy...

- Oh, I remember the Crazy Crew.

But there's a reason we
stopped calling ourselves that

when we were sixteen.
- It was a terrible name.

- For one.

But also because none of us
were actually crazy.

All we used to do was sit
around each other's houses

eating pizza
chatting about how one day

we might actually
talk to some girls.

Fine.

I won't talk about
Billy any more.

- And I'm more than happy

not to talk about
weddings and stuff.

- Just so I know,
what sort of "crazy" shit

can we talk about?

- [exhales]

Err, films.

Football.

Women who aren't
our wives or fiancées.

- I'm not really
into football, so...

- Ah, right, err...

[exhales]
Anyone seen anything

interesting at the flicks
recently?

- [exhales]

Don't think I've managed
to watch an entire film

since Billy...

Girls, girls, girls then.

You seeing anyone?

- No.

- Relax.

Relax.
Think Zen thoughts.

Namaste.

[distant stick breaks]

[zombie moaning]

[birds chirping]

[zombie moaning continues]

Fuck.

- What about online dating?

- Get with the program, grandma.

Everyone's using apps now.

- On your phone?
- No, on your balls.

- Well, why don't you
try that then?

- This girl at my work,

she's on this Loved Up app,

and she got fifteen
dick pics in a day.

- [scoffs]

Are you worried girls
are going to send you

pics of their cock?

- No, I just don't
want to send pictures

of my junk to strangers.

I've got a choad.

You understand
you don't have to do that.

- Whatevs.

Look, my point is, it's full
of weirdos and freaks.

- Oh my God!

- Jesus Christ, Myles.

Lock and load, bitches.

[paintball gun clicking]
Myles!

We're coming for you, brother!

Yes.

- Shall we?

[patriotic drum roll]
♪♪

[zombie moaning]

- Die motherfuckers!

Yeah!

[patriotic music]
♪♪

- [panting] [coughing]

- You alright?

- It's the booze.
I'll catch you up.

- Okay.

[paintball gun clicking]
[zombies moaning]

[grunting]
- Shit.

Oh God.

[paintballs splattering]

[patriotic music]
♪♪

[zombie moaning]

[distant paintball gun clicking]

- [panting]

[distant footstep]

- [zombie moaning]

[zombie groaning]

- Come on, mate.

This is all just a big game.

- [moaning continues]

- Right?

[paintball gun clicking]

[thud]
[squish]

- What did you fucking do?

[exhales]

- [panicked breathing]

Oh fuck!

[whimpering]

Oh fuck!
Oh fuck!

Oh fuck! Oh fuck!
Oh fuck!

Oh fuck! Oh fuck...!

- Three zombies down.

- Bosh!
- Crazy Crew's back, baby!

- Looks like Sam
bagged one, too.

Awesomeballs!

- I killed him!
- Yeah, I know, I can see.

- I killed him!
- Yeah, alright Sam. We get it.

What's up with this guy?

- No, no, no, you don't get it.

I'm trying to tell you
that I fucking killed him!

- When you say "killed",
do you mean...

- Fucking dead.
Dead, dead.

Like, not stupid
fucking pretend dead.

Actual dead.

- You killed him.

- I know, that's what
I just told you!

- Why did you do that?
- It was by mistake.

He was attacking me

and he was very scary
and then...

I... I...

- So you stabbed him through the heart?!
- Uh-huh.

- Oh fuck.

- Yeah, but let's get
this in perspective.

He was already dead.

- What is wrong with you?

[paintball gun clicking]
- You alright muchachos?

The good news is,
I mullered a zombie.

The bad news is, I was
unsuccessful in my dump.

What the fuck?!

- Sam killed him.

- Why?
- I didn't mean to.

I was scared and I dropped
the truncheon and...

[zombie moaning]
[group gasp]

- Help!

- Oh thank God, he's alive!

- [screaming]

- What the hell
did you just do?!

- He was reanimating.

- He wasn't a fucking zombie!

- Yeah, maybe not before.

But we all just saw that.

He just said,
"Brains."

- He said, "Help."

I'm gonna fucking kill you!
- What is your problem?

- You're the stupidest
bloody person I've ever met!

- Just relax!

Both of you relax, okay?

Myles has a plan that's
going to make all of this

just go away.

- You do?
- Yeah.

- What is it?
- Simple, okay.

We bury the body under a tree.

We keep our mouths shut.

And hope no one notices.
You're welcome.

- Hope no one notices?!
- Yeah.

- That is not a plan!
- Course it is,

it's a fucking classic.

Trust me, this is my bag, baby.

I'm a lawyer.

- You're a corporate lawyer,
you negotiate contracts.

Look. Look,
we take his phone, okay?

We keep sending texts

to make it seem like
he's still alive,

and by the time anyone's
figured out something's wrong

ten groups will have
been through here.

And these woods are big.

It'll be weeks before
they find the body.

They won't get
an accurate time of death.

This could work.
- No way.

- Okay.
Then we settle.

We pay them off.

- Are you suggesting
we give them money

to ignore the fact that
we killed their friend?

- Uh-huh.

- How much money?
- I don't know, they look kind of povo.

I reckon ten,
twenty grand a piece

will keep them quiet.

- You'd ignore our murders
for twenty grand?

- Of course not, mate.
I'm already rich.

I'd let someone
take out Eric for, say,

I don't know, a hundred?

- A hundred grand?

Cheers, bro.

- No. Apart from the fact
I don't have

twenty grand spare,

that is a completely
ridiculous idea.

- We could frame Brandon.
He's a massive dickhead.

- That's true.

- No, no, no, no!

We're not paying anyone off
or framing anyone.

Okay?

We've got no choice.

We'll have to go to the police.

- The police?

Sam and Eric will go to prison.

You understand that, right?

- It was a mistake.

- Eric may go down
for mental incompetence

and Sam, maybe manslaughter,

but that is still hard time.

- Sam won't stand a chance

- I dunno, he seems pretty
good at shanking people.

- I can't go to prison

I'm getting married
in three weeks.

Rachel will be devastated.

[gasping]
Gerald would never forgive me!

- Look Toby,

if you insist on
going down this way,

we're not going to kill you
to silence you, okay.

- I didn't think you were
till you said that.

Why would you...

why are you talking
about killing me?

- I said we're not
going to kill you.

- But it'd crossed your mind!

- It crossed my mind.

- All I'm saying is,

is that you signed
the Crazy Crew charter

just like the rest of us.

And article twelve of the
Crazy Crew charter says,

- "Always have
a brother's back."

- Always.

- We were fourteen.

We were talking about girls
and fights in the playground,

not conspiracy
to fucking murder!

- I think it was implicit.
- Totally.

- Guys, guys, I have a son

to think about now, okay?

- Oh, you promised you weren't
going to talk about him.

- You promised
not to murder anyone!

- No, I bloody didn't!

But fine.
Let's talk about Billy.

How long have you
known this guy?

Eight months.

And has he ever said
anything interesting?

No.

Has he ever done
anything interesting?

No.

You've known Sam
for twenty years

and he has said and done
lots of interesting things,

so I just can't understand

how you can possibly
prefer Billy over Sam!

- You're not even human.

- Let's face it,

Billy could be the most
boring person in the world,

or a complete twat.

And you're going to throw
away your friendship

with Sam for that?

- One day you'll grow up
and understand responsibility.

Billy needs me.

[mocking]
- "Billy needs me!"

- What the fuck are you doing?

- If you let Toby wipe your bum,

he won't send you to prison.

- Stop it!

Look, Toby's right.

He has got a son to think of.

And even if little
Billy is boring.

Or a twat.

He's your little twat.

Your responsibility.

This is my responsibility,
my fault.

I have to take the fall.

I've got no reception.

Can I borrow yours please?

[light horn music]
♪♪

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

- So I said, "How the hell
can she have chlamydia?

I always taught her
to rubber up."

- Ah yes, but feline chlamydia
is often passed on

from mother to kitten.

- Yeah, that's what they said.

- [whistles]

[paintball gun clicking]

[paintball gun clicking]
- Ow!

[paintball gun clicking]
- Oh, you wanker.

- And regroup!

- I'll tell you one thing,
Gerry,

you don't have to
worry about Sam

giving your daughter any STD's.

He's very hygienic.

- Ooh, what an accolade.

- Yeah, it's true that.

I happen to know for
a fact that he flosses.

- Yeah, his teeth though,
not his cock.

- True. True.

[upbeat music]
♪♪

- [grunting]

[breathing heavily]

[whispers]
Let me get rid of that.

- Are you kidding...

You just smeared his DNA
all over your clothes!

- Oops.

- Maybe you want to
wank onto his face.

Make the prosecution's
case watertight.

- I'll wank onto your face.

- How is that a comeback?

- S.P. Dowie.

One bank card.

Two condoms.
Ribbed for her pleasure.

- Very thoughtful.

- And a Nando's loyalty card.

Alright.

- Oh, are we stealing from
the dead now, too?

- Toby, if we're going
to convince people

this guy's still alive

we need to keep
his cards operational.

Okay?

If that means I get a free
quarter chicken

now and then, so be it.

- Medium?
- Mango and lime.

- Interesting.
- Mmm.

Oh.
Hold on.

Bingo.
Whoo.

Balls.

I need his passcode
to change his passcode.

- You'll have to
keep pressing it,

make sure it doesn't lock.

- Or...

- No!

No, you can't!

- [grunts]

- Jesus Christ...
- Our lord.

Blessed art thou
in all your glory.

Etcetera, etcetera.

Today we offer you
our good friend...

Steve?

- Steve's not really
a zombie name.

- E wasn't a zombie.
- Graah.

Now that's a zombie name.

- He wasn't a zombie.
- It began with "S".

- Sluor.

Now that's a proper
good zombie name.

- He wasn't a zombie.
- One second.

- Oh, for crying out loud.

- It was Steve.

Good guess, Sam.
- Thanks!

- Lord.

[church organ music]
♪♪

Please take Steve

into your holy kingdom

and treat him with kindness
for all eternity.

I remember the first time
I met Steve.

He was eyeballing me
from across the cafe

because of something
Myles had said

about monkey jizz.

- Positive feedback.
- Great times.

And although I didn't
get the chance

to get to know him
as much as I'd have liked,

from the small time
we spent together

I could tell that Steve was a...

Was a...
- A bit of a cunt?

- A bit of a cunt.
Yeah.

- Bless him, he was.
- Yeah.

- Amen?
- Amen.

- We good with God now?

- Defo.
- Right.

[organ music playing]
♪♪

- You should've seen the look on

that stuck up prick's face
when I snuck up on him.

What do you think of that?

- She's rough, mate.

- What are you talking about?
Look at those tits.

- You fucked a pig, mate.

What do you think, Cam?

- At least it was female.

I thought he was a fucking poof.

- Oh, piss off.

- Oh, yeah!

- Four hundred feet per second.

One eighty five pound
draw weight.

- Nice.

- Fucking should be for a grand.

- [whistles]

- So when are we gonna
go bag a deer then, eh?

- You and me?

Never.

- Oi, you fucking prick!
- Sorry, mate. Finger slipped.

- I just bought that!
- Oi, rein it in!

Any of you fucking monkeys
know where Steve is?

- He was with us
on the first run.

Don't know after that.

- Check the bog.

One o'clock's his wank time.

- Right, ten minutes

then back out for the next run.

- Wank time.

[patriotic music]
♪♪

- [spitting] [grunting]

Can I please have
some water now?

I think I'm getting dehydrated.

- You twat.

- Stag rules
are still in effect.

- Whoo. This guy
really had no life.

No parents.
No girlfriend.

Barely any friends.

Honestly, I don't think

a single person's
going to miss him.

- Brilliant!

- You two are awful
human beings.

- Oh, he is on Loved Up though.

- Oh, let's have a look.

- Is that the thing you
were telling me about?

- So, Loved Up.

You search, right,
for girls in your local area,

let's say aged between
twenty-two and thirty-five,

right?

And their profiles
pop up, like so.

So, Mandy?
Hmm.

What do we think about Mandy?

- Erm, well she's...
she's...

- She's a no.

So we swipe Mandy that way,
and Mandy disappears

and now she's
replaced by Natasha.

- No.

- Annabelle?

- No.

- Melissa?
- No.

- Elizabeth?
- No.

- Oh, hello, Veronica.

- Ah, yeah.

- We like Veronica,
so we swipe this way and...

[cellphone chimes]
Holy shit!

It's a match.

- She likes us, too?

- Yeah.

- Cool, so what do we do now?

I don't know.

I suppose we send her
pictures of our cocks.

- You don't have to send
a picture of your cock.

- Oh yeah, you're right.

It could be anyone's.

How can she tell the difference?

Unless there's something
in the picture

to give it scale,

they basically look the same.

I've never had a girl
like that like me.

- Yeah, one small problem.

She doesn't actually like you,
she likes Steve.

- Oh yeah.

Shit.

[cellphone dings]

- Oh, text from
Sergeant Marshall.

- Yeah?

- "Where are you?"

- Okay, okay, text back,

"Feel like shite, boss.

Gone home.
Sorry".

- Sent.

- Do you think that'll work?
- Yeah.

- It better work.

[cellphone dings]
- Reply.

"See you next Saturday".

- Boom!

And just like that we've
bought ourselves a week.

- Sweet!

[patriotic music]
♪♪

[cellphone vibrating]

[light jazz music]
♪♪

- And, of course,
my great grandfather,

Commodore Corfield
played a prominent role

in the Dervish war.

He was known by the locals
as "Aleunsuriat Alqasia",

which loosely translates as,
"Cruel racist".

- It was probably
a compliment at that time.

- I should say.

After him my grandfather
captained a frigate in Burma

and then my father served
aboard the HMS Black Swan.

- The Battle of Chumonchin Chan.

- Indeed.

- I fucking love getting baked

and watching
the History Channel.

You should try Jurassic
Fight Club on ketamine.

It's brutal.

- I don't doubt it.

So, yes, after eleven
generations of naval men,

I suppose my fate
was inevitable.

And yourself?

- Well, my old man
was a dustman.

- Who wore a dustman's hat?

- No, I don't think
he had a hat.

So, yeah, I could've
gone into that,

and then I thought early
mornings and shit pay,

figured it made more sense
to just blag my way into uni,

deal a few drugs

and hang out as long
as humanly possible.

- Thoroughly understandable.

- So I'm thinking,

come Tuesday or Wednesday
big Steve's

going to have
a major life rethink,

quit his job, move down South

and pursue his dream
of becoming a banker.

We sell that,
we're home and dry.

- Nice.

- What is it?

Is it the bunker?

- It looks like a cabin.

- Ah, maybe they've got water.

- Maybe they've got a toilet.

- We really are the
Crazy Crew, aren't we?

[banjo music]
♪♪

- Should we knock?

- I don't think
anyone lives here.

[knocking]

- Hello.

[knocking]

Hello!

[door creaking open]

[floor creaking]

Hello.

Anybody home?

[ominous music]
♪♪

- No one's been here in months.

- Oh my God!

There is bog roll,
and it's quilted.

Awesomeballs!

I'll see you in ten.

- And you thought
it wouldn't catch on.

Let's check for supplies.

- I dunno, I think
this is someone's house.

- Nah, whoever it was
would've fled

when the infection started.

- Whoa, whoa, what you doing?

Oi!

Have a beer.
- There are beers?

This is definitely
someone's house.

- Well, you wouldn't
take your beer

if you had to flee
an infection, would you?

- There is no infection.

- Well, maybe the organizers
left them for us.

They knew we were a stag do.

- So why is there milk?

- Cup of tea?

- Yeah?

And what about the pig out back?

[pig grunting]

- Bacon butty?

Yeah, no, we should
get out of here.

[car approaching]

Shit!

- Uh...
- The window.

- Oh bollocks!

- Quick, hide!

- Err, here!

- Come on!

There's not much space in here!

Ow!

- There's tons of room in there!

- I'm not a fucking cat!

- Just turn round,
tuck your legs in!

- Ow! Ow!
I'm stuck!

I can't see,

but I feel like something
might've happened.

- What the fuck are you
doing in my house?

- I understand this looks bad,

but there's actually a perfectly
reasonable explanation.

- True, there is.

- You see, we thought it was empty
- It's not empty.

- We didn't think
anyone lived here.

- Now why would you think that?

- Well,
it's a bit of a shithole.

- Shithole?!

- He said that, not me.

- What's he doing
in my cupboard?

- Well, erm...

- Are you drinking my beer?!

- No, no, well, yes.

- I'm gonna fucking kill...

- Right!

Right! Right!

That's it!
I've had enough!

All of you,
all day, overreacting,

behaving like bloody lunatics!

Sam, apologize
to this gentleman.

- Oh, but...
- Just do it!

- I'm sorry.

- Fuck off.
- And you.

You need to take a long,
hard look at yourself.

This place is a shithole.

When was the last time you
cleaned your rooms, huh?

And what on Earth
were you thinking,

storming in like that
threatening to kill us?

You're a little old man,
there's three of us!

Honestly, at your age,

you should be ashamed
of yourself.

Now you need to take a moment,

take a deep breath
and calm the hell down!

[thud]
[grunts]

- I'll show you fucking calm!

- No, no, no, just wait, wait!

[upbeat country music]
♪♪

- Time to shut that big
fucking mouth of yours.

You're a dead man!

[wincing]

[thud]

- [gasping]

Oh shit.

- What's happening guys?

[toilet flushing]
- Oh shit.

- Guys?

- That was not my fault.

- Guys, what the hell is go...

Oh, for crying out loud.

- It's not my fault.

- How comes every time
I go to squeeze one out

you end up killing someone, eh?

- It was a heart attack.
It's natural causes.

- Yeah, I know,

I'm sure the coroner
will come to that exact

same conclusion when he pulls

the fucking knife
out of his chest.

- It looks bad, doesn't it?
- Just a little bit, yeah.

- Can someone help me
out of here, please?

- Right.

[grunting]

[upbeat country music]
♪♪

- So in about a mile

there should be a road
off to the left,

and then it's just a few
hundred meters from there.

- Okay.

- Slow down, will you?
- I'm not even speeding.

- The last thing we want
is to get pulled over.

- Why would there be
any police out here?

Oh, other than all the
murders you've been doing.

Look, it's four o'clock already.

We need to get
to the rendezvous point

before anyone starts
getting suspicious, okay?

- Yeah, and we don't
want to leave Gerald

with that lot
longer than we have to.

- Well we're not going
to get there very quickly

if we crash, are we?

- Oh, just because you drive
like Miss Daisy,

doesn't make you a safer driver.

- Yes, it does.

- No, you plod along
like a snail,

but your brain's
all over the place

thinking about
a million other things,

blissfully unaware
of all the carnage

your causing around you.

I, on the other hand,
am switched on,

in the moment and focussed.

- If you say so.

- So who do you guys think
is the safer driver, me or Toby?

[thud]

Right.

Ah.

- Hello.

Hello!

- Sam, his head and legs
are pointing

in opposite directions.

- In for a penny.

Come on.

- I'll get his head.
- Yeah.

- Let me get this straight.
- Mm-hmm.

- The old man kills the two zombies.
- Yeah.

- And then in a fit of guilt,

decides to take his own life.

- Yes.

- By committing harakiri

whilst driving his car
into the lake.

- Exactly.

- That's believable.

- Look, all we need
is reasonable doubt.

You got a better idea?

- No.
- Right.

Let's do this.

- [all] One, two, three!

[yelling]
[grunting]

[all cheering]

- Yeah, that's fine.

- Yeah, it'll do.
Job done.

[patriotic drumming]
♪♪

- Fascinating.

Simply fascinating.

[door creaks open]

- This place is amazing.

There's another two floors
below this one,

but it's all taped off.

- Which could probably
be explained by the fact

I found this hidden away
in the corner.

So, bear in mind that
all the while you marvel

at the museum pieces,

your swimmers are being mutated

by some second
world war plutonium.

- Don't be ridiculous, mate.

This place is cold war.

- Well met, Cheese.

- Oh, my bad.

- Tell you who would've
also known that Gerry.

Sam.

- He's a genius.
- Is that so?

- Nope.

- Oh yeah?

Well then how comes he's a...

Al, what is it you lot do again?

- Well, when I worked with him

we did data entry.

- Data.
Exactly.

You don't get to enter "data"

without being pretty
damn smart, do you?

- About a year ago,
Sam started this new diet.

He was convinced

that he could live
perfectly healthily

by only ever eating
extra strong mints.

- Yeah, well,

that's fucking true, isn't it?

Have a look at the packet.

Fat, carbohydrate, protein.

- That's the lot, basically.

- It's what they call
a superfood.

Gerry?

- Thank you.

Hmm.

[heavy rock music]
♪♪

- [snorting]

[grunting]

- You made me look like

a right fucking tranny,
you bitch!

[laughing]
- Did I?

[all laughing]

[cellphone ringing]

- Yeah, you alright, Sarge?

- Jenks,
I'm in the bunker, mate.

Just waiting for
the second group.

Should be ready
for you in a bit.

- Alright, well we're ready
to go here, mate.

We're a bit short
fucking staffed.

Steve's still missing,

and now Dennis has gone AWOL.

- What's his excuse?

- I dunno.

Dougie dropped him off
at Sharpe's Quarry

on the last run.

Last anybody saw of him.

- You don't think him and Steve

are up to something, do you?

- What exactly did
Steve's text say?

- He said he was sick,

and then he said something
about awesome balls.

- Awesome balls?

What the fuck does that mean?

- I've no idea, mate.

Listen, do me a favor,
take a couple of the boys,

go and have a look round,
alright, just in case.

- Right!

- Remember,

we all keep our stories straight

and everything's going
to be fine, okay?

- What are we going
to say to Gerald?

He's gonna know.
- Jesus, Sam,

will you stop worrying
about bloody Gerald.

Why do you care so much
about what he thinks?

- Er, because he's
my father-in-law

and he clearly doesn't like me.

Of course he doesn't like you,

you jizz on his daughter.

So what?
Fuck him.

Fuck him.

Fuck him and his
stiff upper lip.

Fuck him and his fake
military history.

- I expect you've killed more people than him.
- Exactly.

However, for the
purposes of the here

and the now,

we definitely didn't
kill anyone, right?

- Right.

- Obviously.

- Gotcha.

[upbeat rock music]
♪♪

- Ah!
- Sammy!

- Look who decided
to join the festivities.

- Hi, guys.

- Let me beer you up, bro.

I'm having the best time.

Hey, are you guys all having
as much fun as us nutters?

- [all] Oh yeah!

- It's been wicked.
- Absolutely.

- Alright, boys.

- Cheese,
what the fuuuuuu... okay.

[water pipe gurgling]

[indian sitar playing]
♪♪

[exhales]

- That was exemplary chronic.

Sam?

- Huh?

- Take a hit.

- Oh no, no,
I don't, it makes me...

I had a bad experience one time.

- I know, Sam, don't worry.

No one's going to
do that to you here.

Come on, Sam,
don't be an enormous pussy!

- Oh, well, I guess
I could do a little bit.

- You don't have to.
- Yes he does.

- Wouldn't he be less of a pussy

[chuckles]
if he just said no?

- Nope.

- It's fine, guys.

[chuckles]
I can do a little bit.

- Go on, Sam.

[sitar music continues]
♪♪

[lighter clicks]

- Hold it.

Hold it.

[all chanting]
- Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it!

Hold it...!

- You finally made it back then.
- [coughing]

- What kept you?

- Nothing.

- Did you meet much resistance?

- How many did you kill
then, soldier?

- Kill?

No, no, no, we've not
killed anyone.

- No, no, no. Nobody.
- No, nobody, nada.

- What do you mean, you made
it all the way back here

without running into any undead?

- Of course,
we killed quite a few zombies.

Er, four?

No, no, five.

Sam's just a bit confused
from all the...

[makes smoking sound]
[chuckles]

Sam actually killed two
all by himself.

It was quite impressive.

- Well let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

Plenty of work to be done yet.

Now dusk is approaching

and come nightfall the undead
will be back in force.

Now we need to lock
this place down

and prepare for the onslaught.

But before we do,

someone wants to have
a little word with you.

- Me?
- You.

Police Constable Diamond!

- Samuel Ward?

- Yeah.

- You're in a lot of trouble.

I know what you've done.

- But, erm...
- You've been a bad,

bad, bad boy.

[chuckles]
[snaps fingers]

[sexy music plays]
♪♪

- Right, come on lads,
get in there!

♪ Yeah well

♪ You know what I got
from my reputation before

- [chuckles]

♪ I smashed the law

Uh-huh.

- I'm sure we definitely
said no to strippers.

- I'm pretty sure you
said no to strippers,

but then I ignored you
and booked a stripper.

♪ Move that body
next to mine

♪ Watch out,
I'm coming your way

- Suzy's going to go mad
when she finds out.

- Here's an idea.

[whispers]
Don't tell her.

- Yeah, don't tell her.

- We tell each other everything.

Yeah, I'll probably just
shove that one in the vault.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Good idea.

♪ Good times on,
bring the good times on

♪ Let the good times roll

- [whimpering]

- Dennis!

♪ I turned out your body
three times before

♪ I want to lay it down

Where are you, you stupid twat?

♪ The man in need
you know is what you need

Dennis!

♪ I got champaign moves,
every hot girl's dream

- Give me a belt!

- No, no, no.
What you doing?

- [whimpers]

- I've got one.

[smacking]

[grimacing]
[all cheering]

♪ Move that body
next to mine

♪ Watch out,
I'm coming your way

- You've been naughty!

- Go on, hit him!

- Are you sorry?

- Beat him!
Go on!

[Sam's grimacing continues]
♪ Bring the good times home

♪ Bring the good times home

♪ And let the good times roll

♪ Bring the good times home

- Jenks, what's happening, mate?

- Sarge.

You're not gonna
fucking believe this.

- Behave.

[all cheering]
[Sam whimpering]

- Yes.

- Say you're sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- I didn't hear you!

- I feel humiliated
just watching this.

- I'm lactose intolerant.

[smacking]
[Sam screaming]

[music ends]
[all cheering]

- Bravo!

- Right, ten pounds each please.

- Ah, that's worth every penny.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, Cheese.

There you go, Diamond.

- Thanks, love.

- No, no, no, no.
Thank you.

You were awesomeballs.

You were awesomeballs.

[slow motion]
Awesomeballs.

- Hey, good luck
with the wedding.

- Well, if you gentlemen
will excuse me a moment,

I'll just...

- Back the fuck up,

or I'll snap his fucking neck!

- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.

- I know what you did.

- We haven't done anything!
- Don't lie.

- We don't know what the hell you're talking about.
- Yeah?

Well he does.
They do.

- What have you done, Sam?

- I think there's been
a little misunderstanding.

- Misunderstanding?

You killed Steve and Dennis!

- You did what?

- Well, I, erm...

- You bloody imbecile!

- No, it wasn't just me,
it was...

- Crazy Crew!

- Not now.
- Yeah, sorry.

- Look, it wasn't our fault,
okay.

They attacked us, and...

- That's what they
were supposed to do!

- Whoa, whoa, look,

I'm sure that if Sam
killed somebody,

he had a good reason.

- Yeah, cause he...
he's like...

[chuckles]
you know what I mean?

- I don't believe this.

I didn't even want to be here.

But Michelle's all,
"Oh, he's my brother,

and you have to".

I told her, "Fuck your
brother, Michelle,

he's a fucking idiot.

And his friends,
bunch of fucking idiots, too"!

[all groan]

I didn't want to spend
the weekend with you

and I'm certainly not
going to prison for you.

- Whoa, what you doing?

- What do you think I'm doing?

I'm calling the police.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on, pal.

Nobody sends my
best friend to prison.

- He ain't your best friend,
you deluded moron.

[thud]
[groans]

- You're a total bastard, mate!

- Yeah!
- Yeah,

yeah, and none of us
even wanted you here!

- Yeah!
- And I boned Michelle

whilst you were away
on business,

so who's the idiot now?

[all laughing]

- Oh, that's my sister!
- Sorry, mate.

Look, Sergeant Marshall,
if that is your real name.

I can tell that behind
your slightly psychotic

and cruel exterior,

you're a reasonable man.

I'm sure we can work
something out, hmm?

How does ten grand sound?

- Ten grand?
- Twenty.

- Really?
- I'm going to go as high as thirty, but...

- They're my fucking friends!

- Look, the police
aren't coming,

so make us an offer!

- The police?

No, you don't get it, do you.

I'm not a reasonable man,

and I am psychotic and cruel.

But I am nothing compared

to that ruthless bunch
of cunts out there.

See, some people join the army
cause they wanna protect

flabby bags of shit
like you lot.

But not them.

No, no, no, they got in

cause they crave a bit of blood

and a bit of violence.

And it's the only place
a killer can kill

and get away with it.

So when I tell 'em
what you've all done,

you pussies are going
to fucking wish

that it was the police
after you.

[patriotic music]
♪♪

- Put that phone down

and let my father-in-law go

or you're a dead man!

- You ain't got the
fucking balls, son.

- You're right, he hasn't.
- I do.

I swear I'll do it.

- Yeah, you'll fucking miss.

- Put the knife down, Sam.

You'll screw it up,

just like you screw
everything up.

Jesus, Gerald,
have a little faith in me.

- I have no faith in you.

None whatsoever.

- What is your goddam problem?

All I do, all I ever have done

is try to be nice to you,

try to make you like me.

But all I do never
seems to be good enough.

- My problem?

- You want to know what my problem is?
- Yes.

- Besides from the fact
you've killed two people

and landed us all
in an epic shit-storm

that's probably
going to kill us?

- Yes.

- You didn't ask permission
to marry my daughter.

- I didn't ask permission?

I didn't ask permission

because it's not
nineteen fifty-five.

- It's the way things are done!

- Right,
I'll prove myself to you.

- Ha!

- This is your last chance,
Marshall.

- Take the shot, Sam!

- Do not take the shot,

I have the situation
fully in hand.

- Put the phone down!

- Jenks!
- Do it, Sam!

[Gerald screaming]

[all groan]

[Gerald grunting]

- You stupid,
cocking fucknugget!

- Jenks, it's the stag do,
it's the...

[thud]

[all cheering]
- Yes, Cheese! Cheese, yes.

- You alright, Gerry?

- Sarge?

Sarge?!

- Yeah, rip your hair out.
- Get it tight.

[grunting]
- Get off me.

[gasping]
[breathing heavily]

[screaming]

- Toby, can you do anything?

You know medical stuff.

- Well, if he gets a tumor,
let me know.

Maybe I can help.

- Yeah, probably not though, eh?

- Just find something
I can use as a bandage.

Some pressure.

- Ah, well,
funny you should say that.

So, what do we do?

- Well, we can't run.

We could still call the police.

- You're all fucking
dead anyway.

- Shut him up.

- We stay and we fight.

I was in a similar situation
back in Afghanistan.

In the mountains
of the Hindu Kush.

Four men on a capture
or kill mission

for a warlord
responsible for the deaths

of fifty British soldiers.

But everything
went F.U.B.A.R

when we chose to spare
a group of goat herders.

Our mercy was betrayed.

Before we knew it,

we were surrounded
by a legion of Taliban,

baying for our blood.

The odds insurmountable.

The enemy fearless.

But we banded together.

Stood firm.

And together we defeated
those savages

and made it through.

- Okay.

Am I seriously the only one
not buying that? Hmm?

That's the plot
of Lone Survivor.

I'm sorry, I really didn't
want to have to do this,

but seeing as our lives
depend on it,

Gerald,
you're full of shit, mate.

You were never in the army.

Or if you were you were
some kind of potato peeler.

- How dare you.

- For the love of God, Myles,

Gerald has already told you
he was in the Navy.

- That's right, Sam.

The S.B.S.

The Special Boat Service.

The navy's team
of crack commandos

used only in the most dangerous

and perilous of missions.

- Fine, whatever.

Carry on.

- Okay chaps.

Here's how we do this.

Now, the enemy may have skills.

Resources.

- Come on lads,
let's get tooled up.

[all screaming]

- We may be wounded.

Drunk.

Stoned.

But we have something
they don't.

[patriotic music]
♪♪

Indefatigable spirit.

[marker squeaking]

Limitless courage.

♪♪

The unbreakable will to live.

As we say in the S.B.S.

By strength or guile.

- [all] By strength or guile!

- Yeah!

- Come on, boys!

[battle cry]

[singing off key]
- Amazing grace,

how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me.

I...

[mumbling gibberish]

- We've had some good
times together though,

haven't we?

- Yeah.

- We have.

- Still,

I think this weekend
might be the best yet.

What do you reckon?

- No.

- Guys, if we get
through this okay,

do you reckon I could
become a member

of the Crazy Crew?

- I'll tell you what,

the way you smacked
Brandon in the dick earlier,

you're already a member, mate.

- Yeah.
- Ah, this is so sweet!

But how about you
all shut the fuck up?

I don't want the last thing
I hear to be you twats

twittering on about,
"Good times."

- You've had some good
times with Michelle though,

haven't you Myles, eh?

- You wankers.

- Oh, she's still
my bloody sister!

[distant whistle]
[distant howling]

- Once more unto the breach,
dear friends,

once more.

- Looks like it's
negotiation time, boys.

These guys don't know
what's about to hit them.

Hey!

Fellas!

Listen to me.

We have your boss captive here,

and he's at our mercy.

But, I'm going to
make you a simple offer,

you let us go and we let him go.

Everyone's safe,
everyone's happy.

What are you saying?

- Fuck Marshall, he's a twat!
- Okay.

[distant laughter]

[patriotic music]
♪♪

- What the hell
are you laughing at?

Now, you tell 'em to let us go,
or you're a dead man!

- Oh, go fuck yourself!

You know what, mate,

I'm going to enjoy watching
them skin you alive.

- Hello!

- Brandon, what you doing?

- Hey, you out there, hello!

Look, I'm not really
with these people.

I actually kind of hate them.

I wasn't involved in killing
any of your friends,

and the only reason
why I'm here at all

is because my wife forced me.

So, I was just wondering if,
maybe you'd let me go?

Or, or, or...

if it's alright with you,

I will happily join your side.

- You absolute...
- Cocksucker!

- Screw you all!

- Which one are you?

- My name's Brandon.

Six foot three,
dark blonde hair.

I'm the good looking one.

- Well...

- I don't remember you.
Show us your face.

- Look, Brandon, don't do it!

- Okay.
Here I come.

[thud]

- Fuuuck!

Quick, let's go!

- Go, go, go, go!

- You're all fucking dead,
you load of piss ants!

[all screaming]

- Barricade the door!

Get it!

- Here's my boys.

- Get 'em, lads.

[all yelling]

- Ah!

- [zombie scream]

- [groaning in pain]

[thud]
[all groan]

[wheezing]

[thud]

[banging on door]
[all screaming]

- Shit!

You've been bitten!

[distant banging]

- Oh, flipping heck!

I love you guys.

[battle cry]

- Al, what are you doing?

They're not real zombies!

For fuck's sake!

- Good point.

[battle cry]

[all yelling]

[patriotic music]
♪♪

- Crazy Crew!

- Go, go on, get out of here!

Save yourselves!

Get that, come on.

[panting]
Come on, come on,

come on, come on.

This way, this way,
come on, come on.

- [sniffing]

- This has got to be
the way out.

- Hold on.
Where's Cheese?

Cheese!
Cheese!

- Come on, Gerald,
we've got to go.

- I am not leaving
without Cheese.

- Go,

get him out of here,
get the car.

I'll go back for the others.

- Right, come on, Gerald,

come on.

Stay with me.

[sitar music]
♪♪

- Praise Jah!

["Ode to Joy" by Beethoven]
♪♪

- Which way?

- Erm, it says
North is this way,

but I have no fucking clue.

- No.

- This way, this way.

- The man would take
a bullet for you

and you're leaving him
behind to die!

- We'll come back for him.

- Ha!
Spoken like a true coward.

- [panting]

This place is well creepy, man.

- Yeah.

[heart beating]

- Fucking hell.

Sorry.
I thought it was a...

- Hello boys.

[rock music playing]
♪♪

[arrow whizzing]

[arrow whizzing]
[yelling]

[thud]
[grunting]

- What's the matter,
you city boy prick?

You haven't got anything
smart to say now, have you?

- Well...

[thud]

- What was that?

[patriotic music]
♪♪

[hard rock music]
♪♪

[knife clanking]

- Er...

- [panting]

[gasps]

[grunts]

[whimpers]

[footsteps approaching]

- That one's for Steve.

- [breathing heavily]

- This one...

[ringtone sounding]

[yelling in pain]

[both yelling]

- You fucker!

- [grunting]

[thud]

- [panting]

[heavy rock music]
♪♪

- This ain't no fun no more.

Guess it's time to shut your
big mouth once and for all.

[sinister laugh]

[paintball gun clicking]
[grunting]

[retching]

- [grunting]

- Oh shit.

- Game over, fat boy.

[thud]

- [panting]

- You came back for us.

- I never left.

- I thought you guys had all...

- I meant metaphorically.

- Guys!

Can you help me out here?

I think he's broken my jaw.

- Right.

Let's go get our boy.
- Yeah.

- [Gerald grunting in pain]

[car starter cranking]
- Come on!

- God.
- Come on.

- Dirty fucking shit balls!

Do you know anything about cars?

Oh for fuck...

[tapping on window]

[panicked breathing]

- Word on the street
is you used to be S.B.S.

I met some of your boys
outside Kandahar.

Right bunch of stuck up twats.

Thought they were fucking
better than the rest of us.

- What is this?

- Two men go in.

One man comes out.

Now, I'll give you my word

that if your man wins,

I'll let you both go.

- [whimpers]

- If I win,

I'm gonna gut you
like a fucking fish.

In you go.
Come on.

Time for you to find out

if you're as good
as you say you are.

- The thing is,

you may have noticed
that I'm W.I.A.,

so it's hardly a fair...

[knife pierces]

- [gasps]

- Now it's fair.

[knife clanks]

Do 'im, Jenks.

- Okay.

Thing is... [thud]

[grunts]

Look... [thud]

[groaning]

- Come on, Gerald.

- [panting]

Right.

You asked for it.

[patriotic music]
♪♪

[thud]
[grunting]

[thud]
[groaning]

[Gerald yelling]

- S.B.S., my arse.

- [panting]

By strength or guile.

[battle cry]

- This is too fucking easy,
Sarge.

Might as well let 'em go, eh?

[ominous music]
♪♪

- Finish him.

[patriotic music]
♪♪

- Yah!

[blood spraying]

- You fucking cunt.

[breathing heavily]

- No mate...

- [battle cry]
- No, no, no, I'm only a...

[yelling in pain]

- [spitting]

[panting]

- [gurgling]

- Mr. Chappell,

I was just wondering,

if I might have your permission

to marry your
wonderful daughter.

[light flute music]
♪♪

- Permission granted.

[garage door rattling]

[joyous yelling]

- That was one large
fucking night.

- Mm-hmm.

- Large indeed, Cheese.

Large indeed.

- Tell you what,
if nothing else,

this makes writing
your wedding speech

a whole lot easier.

- Unfortunately,
I think it might be while

before you get to make
that speech, mate.

- Maybe twenty to life?

[mumbling]
- Guys,

nobody's going to prison.

Trust me.

Myles has a plan

that's going to make all of this

just go away.

[gulp]
[winces in pain]

Fuck me.

[upbeat rap music]
♪♪

♪ Oh yeah, we gonna die

♪ Crazy crazy house

♪ It's the Crazy Crew
and we put it down

♪ Who got your back,
it's the Crazy Crew

♪ Who you gonna die

♪ I'm like the rough
and the rugged

♪ When I start wreck

♪ Run when I come,
chumps hit the deck

♪ Hit 'em with a little bit
of combat round

♪ Leave the bodies
buried in the ground

♪ Now look what
you gone and done

♪ Now you wus
gotta fool with a gun

♪ It's a giggle
just a little bit of fun

♪ It makes a lot of sense
if you've got none

♪ On the run with a gun
now whatcha gonna do

♪ It makes sense
if you've got one

♪ It's the Crazy Crew
yeah that's no good

♪ It makes sense
if you've got none

♪ Blop-a ba blop
It's the Crazy Crew

♪ What ya gonna do

♪ Who's got your back
it's the Crazy Crew

♪ Who you gonna die

♪ I'm like Cool Hand Luke
when I sight the scope

♪ Fun when they run
yell ho, Konco

♪ Cracker with a bat
watch your man get flat

♪ Hey Crazy Crew
where you at

♪ Yo where you at

♪ Hit 'em with the bone
Hit 'em home ricochet

♪ Carnivore cannibal,
cold cabaret

♪ Roll with the drums
in cold when it comes in

♪ Rolling through
your dark always

♪ Well bloody hoo-ha

♪ One felt everything
gone F.U.B.A.R

♪ Hit it with the bow
with the homegrown sweat

♪ Couldn't even fu...
With my mic check

♪ Hit 'em up
mic-microphone check-a

♪ Mic mic check
one two

♪ Get a mic
mic-microphone check-a

♪ Mic mic check
one two

♪ Now whatcha gonna do

♪ Crazy Crew
Who you gonna die

♪ Crazy Crew in the house

♪ Well bloody hoo-ha

♪ It's a giggle
just a little bit of fun

♪ Everything gone F.U.B.A.R

♪ Makes a lot of sense
if you've got none

♪ You've boys just
ain't got no sense

♪ Rap tak ticka
ain't worth ten pents

♪ Little tip toe
get your foot step show

♪ On top of that
you're fu... slow

♪ I'm about dropping off
bombs on a little bit

♪ Hold on a little pink tongue
in the middle bit

♪ Boys get lifted high
like Snoop

♪ Drop heavy like
wonton soup

♪ Drop heavy like,
like what like wonton soup

♪ Drop, drop heavy like,
like what like wonton soup

♪ Now whatcha gonna do

♪ Crazy Crew that's no good

♪ Crazy Crew in the house

♪ What a bloody hoo-ha

♪ Makes a lot of sense
if you've got none

♪ It's a giggle
just a little bit of fun

♪ What a bloody hoo-ha

♪ Everything gone F.U.B.A.R

♪ Just a little bit of fun

♪ Who you gonna die

♪ Crazy Crew

♪ Best know who

♪ Everything gone F.U.B.A.R ♪

♪♪