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1
00:00:02,235 --> 00:00:04,720
[ Man ]
Look, it's falling down!
2
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,890
- [ All Screaming ]
- [ Man ] Hurry!
3
00:00:12,195 --> 00:00:16,098
Sorry to crash the party,
but Cassandra's coming with me.
4
00:00:17,950 --> 00:00:20,286
[ Cassandra Struggling ]
5
00:00:21,671 --> 00:00:24,173
Party's over.
6
00:00:26,676 --> 00:00:31,197
[ Woman ]
Quickly! Quickly!
Come with me!
7
00:00:32,949 --> 00:00:35,785
Hercules!
8
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,754
[ Woman ]
Hurry!
9
00:00:47,079 --> 00:00:48,798
[ Yelling ]
10
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,783
[ Gasps ]
11
00:00:51,784 --> 00:00:54,787
Oh, no, I'm blind!
12
00:00:54,787 --> 00:00:57,790
I swear from now on
I'llsingin the shower instead.
13
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,061
[ Phone Ringing ]
I'll--
14
00:01:07,550 --> 00:01:10,553
Who is this,
and why are you
calling me at...
15
00:01:11,554 --> 00:01:13,823
6:02 a.m.?
16
00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:16,642
Rob. Rob,
it's me, Eric.
17
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:21,130
Oh, thank goodness
you're not dead.
What was your first clue?
18
00:01:21,130 --> 00:01:23,132
Well, we heard you had
an earthquake last night.
19
00:01:23,132 --> 00:01:25,635
It was all over the news here.
Didn't you feel it?
20
00:01:25,635 --> 00:01:28,588
Eric, I'm a producer.
I don't feel anything.
21
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,990
Glad to hear it, 'cause,
Rob, apart from the fact
that it's still raining,
22
00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:32,992
I got some bad news.
23
00:01:32,992 --> 00:01:34,944
[ Gibberish ]
24
00:01:34,944 --> 00:01:36,946
What?
25
00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:41,350
[ Grunting ]
26
00:01:44,620 --> 00:01:48,124
[ Phone Ringing ]
27
00:01:51,127 --> 00:01:54,630
This'd better be good.
[ Man On Phone, Indistinct ]
28
00:01:54,630 --> 00:01:56,632
Oh, Rob, I was just
thinking about you.
29
00:01:56,632 --> 00:01:58,934
[ Rob On Phone Continues,
Indistinct ]
30
00:01:58,934 --> 00:02:01,437
No, my weekends
wouldn't be complete...
31
00:02:01,437 --> 00:02:03,439
without a little taste
of Tapert.
32
00:02:03,439 --> 00:02:07,326
[ Rob On Phone, Indistinct ]
What?
33
00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:17,136
[ Man Chuckles ]
[ Grunts ]
34
00:02:18,621 --> 00:02:22,625
[ Yells ]
Get me down! Get me down!
35
00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:32,018
Where'd he go?
Shut up!
36
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,988
Howdy.
37
00:02:41,143 --> 00:02:43,529
[ Gunshot ]
38
00:02:45,998 --> 00:02:48,317
Hey, boys.
39
00:02:48,317 --> 00:02:51,787
[ Grunts ]
You can't use traps
in paintball.
40
00:02:51,787 --> 00:02:53,673
Paintball ain't just
a game, soldier.
41
00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:55,925
It's a metaphor for life.
42
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:58,594
It's survival of the fittest.
Search and destroy.
43
00:02:58,594 --> 00:03:00,379
Kill or be killed.
44
00:03:00,379 --> 00:03:03,249
These are a few
of my favorite things.
[ Phone Rings ]
45
00:03:07,169 --> 00:03:09,171
Able Baker Charlie
Niner Niner.
46
00:03:09,171 --> 00:03:11,040
Identify yourself, c'mon.
47
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,943
[ Woman On Phone, Indistinct ]
Liz. You on
a secure line?
48
00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:16,946
[ Indistinct ]
Uh-huh.
49
00:03:17,446 --> 00:03:19,331
I'll be right there.
50
00:03:19,331 --> 00:03:22,568
[ Elvis Presley ]
dd Viva Las Vegas dd
51
00:03:22,568 --> 00:03:25,805
dd Viva Las Vegas dd
52
00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:28,908
dddd [ Continues ]
[ Man ] Snake eyes.
Better luck next time.
53
00:03:28,908 --> 00:03:31,143
[ Woman On P.A. ]
Mr. Bond,
your baccarat table is ready.
54
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,145
Mr. Bond,
your baccarat table is ready.
55
00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:35,414
Where's lady luck
when I need her?
56
00:03:35,414 --> 00:03:37,416
dddd [ Continues ]
57
00:03:37,416 --> 00:03:40,820
[ Woman On P.A. ]
Mr. De Niro?
Call for you, Mr. Coyle.
58
00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:42,822
Oh, there you are.
59
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:45,825
Say, I've forgotten
my phone number.
Can I use yours?
60
00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:48,327
Drop dead, you geek!
61
00:03:48,327 --> 00:03:50,746
dd It cost me
my very last dime dddd
62
00:03:51,247 --> 00:03:53,749
[ Woman On Phone, Indistinct ]
Vinny, I told you please
don't call me here.
63
00:03:53,749 --> 00:03:55,751
I'll have the money
for you by next week.
64
00:03:55,751 --> 00:03:58,254
I'm sorry. I just can't
get it together.
[ Yelling On Phone, Indistinct ]
65
00:03:58,254 --> 00:04:00,756
Oh, Liz, hi.
How are ya?
66
00:04:01,257 --> 00:04:03,259
[ Indistinct ]
The office? Now?
67
00:04:03,259 --> 00:04:05,761
Wait a minute.
I got a better idea.
68
00:04:06,262 --> 00:04:07,763
Why don't you come over
to my place?
69
00:04:08,264 --> 00:04:10,766
I got a new water bed.
We could play submarine.
70
00:04:11,267 --> 00:04:13,636
[ Dial Tone ]
Hello?
71
00:04:20,843 --> 00:04:24,547
For the last time, Jerry,
nobody's bugging the office.
72
00:04:24,547 --> 00:04:28,517
Thatis exactly what
they want you to think.
73
00:04:28,517 --> 00:04:32,988
You know who loses
with these weekend meetings,
people? Me.
74
00:04:32,988 --> 00:04:34,990
But you called
the meeting, Rob.
75
00:04:34,990 --> 00:04:38,494
Don't change the subject.
All right, let's get started.
76
00:04:40,262 --> 00:04:42,765
Wait a second.
Who's missing?
77
00:04:42,765 --> 00:04:46,819
[ Intercom Beeps ]
Melissa, is this thing
working? Hello.
78
00:04:46,819 --> 00:04:51,190
Rob, how nice
to hear from you.
Coffee? Tea? Prozac?
79
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:53,592
[ Dial Tone ]
80
00:04:53,592 --> 00:04:55,961
Where the hell
are Alex and Bob?
I'll find out.
81
00:04:55,961 --> 00:04:58,831
You know that's what I love
about you, you're always--
[ Disconnects ]
82
00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:01,650
beha--
83
00:05:01,650 --> 00:05:04,119
[ Intercom Beeps ]
84
00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:07,623
[ Thud ]
[ Groaning, Whimpering ]
85
00:05:10,626 --> 00:05:13,629
Hello.
Rise and shine, losers.
86
00:05:13,629 --> 00:05:16,131
Oh, Melissa, hello.
87
00:05:16,131 --> 00:05:18,133
Everyone's waiting for you
in the conference room.
88
00:05:18,133 --> 00:05:20,135
Wha-- They need our help?
89
00:05:20,135 --> 00:05:22,137
Okay, okay.
We'll be right there.
90
00:05:27,209 --> 00:05:29,528
Bob, wake up!
Wake up!
91
00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:33,649
Now's the time
to show our stuff.
92
00:05:33,649 --> 00:05:36,402
[ Monkey Squawks ]
[ Yells ]
93
00:05:41,373 --> 00:05:43,959
[ Clears Throat ]
Hi, everybody.
94
00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:45,878
[ Whispers, Indistinct ]
95
00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:48,247
Bob says "Hi" too.
[ Yawns ]
96
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:51,400
When are you two losers
gonna get your own apartment?
97
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,802
Hey, this is our first job
in Hollywood.
98
00:05:53,802 --> 00:05:57,306
We want you all to know
we're here for you
24 hours a day.
99
00:05:57,306 --> 00:06:01,677
- Is that a good thing?
- Well, you know, I was
just telling Bob that--
100
00:06:01,677 --> 00:06:04,597
- Cut it out.
- Shut up, the both of you,
and sit down.
101
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:07,399
Now, I have a fishing trip
planned today. The sooner
we get this over with,
102
00:06:07,399 --> 00:06:09,785
the sooner I can leave.
103
00:06:09,785 --> 00:06:13,422
Now then,
we got a problem, people,
and it's not pretty.
104
00:06:13,422 --> 00:06:16,275
Our bread and butter,
the big cheese,
105
00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:19,445
the top banana
has vamoosed.
106
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:25,968
Oh, for cryin'
out loud, people,
107
00:06:26,468 --> 00:06:28,854
Kevin Sorbo has disappeared.
108
00:06:35,594 --> 00:06:38,564
[ Man Narrating ]
This is the story
of a time long ago,
109
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,833
a time of myth and legend,
110
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:43,869
when the ancient gods
were petty and cruel,
111
00:06:43,869 --> 00:06:46,472
and they plagued mankind
with suffering.
112
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:50,209
Only one man dared
to challenge their power--
113
00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:52,578
Hercules.
114
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:56,548
Hercules possessed a strength
the world had never seen,
115
00:06:56,548 --> 00:06:59,118
a strength surpassed
only by the power of his heart.
116
00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:02,721
He journeyed the earth,
battling the minions
of his wicked stepmother, Hera,
117
00:07:02,721 --> 00:07:05,824
the all-powerful
queen of the gods.
118
00:07:05,824 --> 00:07:07,843
But wherever
there was evil,
119
00:07:07,843 --> 00:07:11,330
wherever an innocent
would suffer,
120
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:13,499
there would be... Hercules.
121
00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:15,534
- [ Screeching ]
- [ Roaring ]
122
00:07:30,466 --> 00:07:31,433
Hail!
123
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,924
[ Shuddering ]
What do you mean
Kevin Sorbo's gone missing?
124
00:07:39,425 --> 00:07:41,427
No star, no show.
No show, no paycheck.
125
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:43,929
No paycheck,
no kneecaps.
I got debts!
126
00:07:43,929 --> 00:07:47,182
Well, he was supposed to arrive
in New Zealand this morning,
but he didn't show.
127
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,769
I propose we send
a recon team, Tapert.
128
00:07:52,521 --> 00:07:55,858
Back in Korea, we had a saying:
You never leave a man behind.
129
00:07:55,858 --> 00:07:57,743
When were you in Korea?
130
00:07:57,743 --> 00:08:00,996
I was there
for the Olympics, missy!
131
00:08:00,996 --> 00:08:02,631
It was hell.
132
00:08:04,033 --> 00:08:07,036
Melissa, it's Rob.
I told you
not to call me here.
133
00:08:07,036 --> 00:08:09,038
Send Davey in here
on the double.
134
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,325
You wanted me, boss?
[ Glass Breaks ]
135
00:08:16,261 --> 00:08:19,498
Davey, I'm gonna give you
one last chance to prove
you're not a moron.
136
00:08:19,498 --> 00:08:23,385
Gee, thanks.
I don't care if you have to go
around the world, young fella,
137
00:08:23,385 --> 00:08:27,189
I want you to find Sorbo
and find him quick,
you understand?
138
00:08:27,189 --> 00:08:30,743
Melissa,
book him on the Concorde,
but make sure he flies coach.
139
00:08:30,743 --> 00:08:33,996
- Davey, don't screw this up.
- Count on me, boss.
140
00:08:33,996 --> 00:08:36,498
I won't let you down.
[ Grunts ]
141
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:40,786
He's a dope fiend.
I know it.
142
00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:43,138
And what if
he doesn't find him?
143
00:08:43,138 --> 00:08:45,507
Then I'm gonna be
hobbling all the way to
the unemployment office.
144
00:08:45,507 --> 00:08:49,178
Not necessarily.
[ Spits ]
145
00:08:49,178 --> 00:08:51,463
When the going gets tough,
146
00:08:51,463 --> 00:08:53,565
the tough get goin'.
147
00:08:53,565 --> 00:08:55,250
- [ Yells ]
- [ All Gasp ]
148
00:08:55,250 --> 00:08:58,037
Now, a good soldier always
carries an extra pair of socks,
149
00:08:58,420 --> 00:09:01,590
a can opener,
a cap of cyanide.
150
00:09:01,590 --> 00:09:03,375
But a great soldier--
That's right.
151
00:09:03,375 --> 00:09:07,262
A great soldier
never gives in,
no matter what the odds.
152
00:09:07,262 --> 00:09:09,765
Is he insane,
or am I crazy?
153
00:09:09,765 --> 00:09:12,418
Which question would you
like me to answer first?
154
00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:15,237
I suggest we base this story
around another character.
155
00:09:15,237 --> 00:09:17,122
Like who?
156
00:09:19,124 --> 00:09:22,578
Like Ares--
God o' War.
157
00:09:26,181 --> 00:09:30,152
Why, I remember the time
Ares framed Hercules
for murdering his wife.
158
00:09:36,675 --> 00:09:40,596
The plan was so simple.
It verged on genius.
159
00:09:40,596 --> 00:09:43,265
[ Laughs ]
160
00:09:43,265 --> 00:09:46,235
There he goes!
161
00:09:46,235 --> 00:09:48,103
Gotta hand it
to you, Strife.
162
00:09:48,103 --> 00:09:51,340
This has worked out better
than I could ever have imagined.
163
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:54,059
- It's been fun.
- [ Twang ]
164
00:09:54,059 --> 00:09:56,061
[ Humming ]
And when all else fails,
165
00:09:56,061 --> 00:09:59,398
the God of War is one lean,
mean, fightin' machine.
166
00:10:27,893 --> 00:10:29,862
[ Laughs ]
Jerry, great idea.
167
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:34,199
All right, everybody.
Get to work.
I'm going fishing.
168
00:10:34,199 --> 00:10:37,569
Hey, you are not actually
going to listen to that
psychopath, are you?
169
00:10:37,569 --> 00:10:39,521
- No offense.
- None taken.
170
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:43,926
All right, Liz, spit it out.
The fish are jumpin'.
171
00:10:43,926 --> 00:10:47,362
Well, why not do a show
about a woman we can all
look up to?
172
00:10:47,362 --> 00:10:51,366
You know, a woman of the '90s.
A woman who takes matters
into her own hands.
173
00:10:51,850 --> 00:10:53,702
Oh, wake up, Liz.
We can't afford
Margaret Thatcher.
174
00:10:53,702 --> 00:10:57,089
No, I'm talking about...
175
00:10:57,589 --> 00:10:59,591
Callisto.
176
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:03,562
[ Liz ]
When it comes to making
Hercules suffer,
177
00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:06,348
well, Ares isn't even
a close second to Callisto.
178
00:11:06,348 --> 00:11:10,719
And remember that time
she poisoned Herc's family?
179
00:11:10,719 --> 00:11:12,721
Surprise.
180
00:11:12,721 --> 00:11:18,126
You've never witnessed
the effects of Xanthalian venom
before, have you?
181
00:11:18,627 --> 00:11:21,063
- It affects the mind.
- What do you want?
182
00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:25,033
Safe passage through
the Labyrinths of the Gods
to the Tree of Life.
183
00:11:28,036 --> 00:11:31,540
One bite of the fruit
cures any illness.
184
00:11:31,540 --> 00:11:34,359
- And a whole one
makes you immortal.
- [ Kiaiing ]
185
00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:36,578
[ Liz ]
And when it comes
to trading blows,
186
00:11:36,578 --> 00:11:38,764
Callisto does it
with a smile.
187
00:11:44,336 --> 00:11:46,588
Oh, you're gonna die
on your birthday.
188
00:11:46,588 --> 00:11:48,540
How convenient.
189
00:11:56,481 --> 00:11:58,350
[ Laughing ]
190
00:11:59,117 --> 00:12:01,536
No!
191
00:12:01,536 --> 00:12:03,972
Blow it out
and make a wish.
[ Kiaiing ]
192
00:12:03,972 --> 00:12:06,758
Hey, great idea, Liz.
193
00:12:06,758 --> 00:12:09,127
All right,
get to work everybody.
I'm goin' fishin'.
194
00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:11,997
Oh, hey, wait.
Uh, excuse me.
195
00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:13,498
What? What?
196
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:17,703
Um, aren't Ares
and Callisto both bad guys?
197
00:12:18,687 --> 00:12:21,607
Brilliant. So?
198
00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:23,609
[ Whispering,
Indistinct ]
199
00:12:23,609 --> 00:12:26,612
Okay, well, um,
don't they need a good guy
to fight with?
200
00:12:26,612 --> 00:12:29,965
I mean, without Hercules,
they won't have anything to do.
201
00:12:38,757 --> 00:12:41,727
[ Chuckles ]
202
00:12:41,727 --> 00:12:43,595
Dumb blonde!
Hey!
203
00:12:43,595 --> 00:12:48,784
You know,
I-I hate to admit it,
but they got a point.
204
00:12:50,969 --> 00:12:55,340
You know, I am really getting
tired of people telling me
what I can't do.
205
00:12:55,340 --> 00:12:58,076
Can someone please tell me
what Icando?
206
00:12:58,076 --> 00:13:00,612
- [ Whispers, Indistinct ]
- What now?
207
00:13:00,612 --> 00:13:02,564
Uh, Bob has to go
to the bathroom.
208
00:13:02,564 --> 00:13:07,052
Oh, all right, all right.
Take a break.
209
00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:09,087
And we have confirmed
there are, in fact,
210
00:13:09,087 --> 00:13:12,124
six people trapped inside
the apartment building.
211
00:13:12,524 --> 00:13:14,426
Rescue teams
are on the scene--
212
00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:16,728
[ Coughing ]
213
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,133
Hey, Melissa, there's
something I've always
wanted to ask you.
214
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,135
Do you sleep
on your stomach?
215
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:25,537
No.
Can I?
216
00:13:25,537 --> 00:13:29,541
[ Scoffs ]
Paul, I'm wasting my life
in a dead-end job,
217
00:13:29,541 --> 00:13:31,943
while I watch the rest
of the world pass me by.
218
00:13:31,943 --> 00:13:34,346
Now why would I want to make
things worse by dating you?
219
00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:36,348
[ Blender Whirring ]
I know you don't
mean that, baby.
220
00:13:36,348 --> 00:13:38,750
Hey, why don't you let me
take you to Vegas?
221
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:42,754
I can teach you
how to play roulette.
[ Whirring Stops ]
222
00:13:42,754 --> 00:13:45,957
Make it Russian roulette,
you got yourself a deal.
223
00:13:45,957 --> 00:13:49,961
Paul. Get the hell
away from Melissa.
224
00:13:49,961 --> 00:13:51,963
[ Clicks Tongue,
Whistling ]
225
00:13:51,963 --> 00:13:53,965
Your shake. Enjoy.
226
00:13:53,965 --> 00:13:55,967
Ah, no thanks.
You can have it.
I've changed my mind.
227
00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:59,971
Get Eric on the phone,
will ya? And fix me
something I can chew.
228
00:13:59,971 --> 00:14:03,925
And now with my new army
of lava people,
229
00:14:03,925 --> 00:14:07,929
Hercules will never...
screw with us again.
230
00:14:07,929 --> 00:14:10,932
Cut! Cut! Come on!
Cut it, everybody!
231
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:14,936
Listen. I know this ain't
Shakespeare, Patrick,
but "screw with us"?
232
00:14:14,936 --> 00:14:18,440
Come on.
Gimme a break, will ya?
Now who's on the script?
233
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,942
[ Chattering ]
234
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:25,163
[ Rob ]
I'll take mine well done,
Melissa.
235
00:14:25,163 --> 00:14:27,549
[ Melissa ]
It's sushi, Rob.
You eat it raw.
236
00:14:27,549 --> 00:14:29,551
[ Line Ringing On Intercom ]
Hello.
237
00:14:29,551 --> 00:14:31,253
Ah, Eric.
Any word on Kevin?
238
00:14:31,253 --> 00:14:33,755
No, no, nothing yet.
[ Liz On Phone ]
Why are you whispering?
239
00:14:33,755 --> 00:14:36,258
Well, I told the crew
Kevin's running a little late.
240
00:14:36,258 --> 00:14:38,760
If they find out he's missing,
I could have a panic
on my hands.
241
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,263
These people
have families to support.
242
00:14:41,263 --> 00:14:43,148
[ Rob On Phone ]
Families, schmamlies.
Come on, Eric.
243
00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:45,717
Aren't we all
one big family anyway?
244
00:14:45,717 --> 00:14:49,738
Well, look, just stall them
as long as you can.
[ Stammering ]
245
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:53,942
- Ah-choo!
- Gesundheit.
246
00:14:53,942 --> 00:14:59,414
You're welcome.
Eric, buddy, I don't want you
to worry about a thing.
247
00:14:59,414 --> 00:15:03,268
I got the greatest staff
in the world working on
this problem even as we speak.
248
00:15:06,922 --> 00:15:08,924
[ Zipper Unzips ]
249
00:15:10,425 --> 00:15:12,427
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
250
00:15:14,429 --> 00:15:18,400
dddd [ Whistling
HerculesTheme Song ]
251
00:15:24,272 --> 00:15:27,776
dddd [ All Whistling
HerculesTheme Song ]
252
00:15:32,147 --> 00:15:36,051
dddd [ All Humming
HerculesTheme Song ]
253
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:43,291
dddd [ Humming Continues ]
254
00:15:45,293 --> 00:15:46,795
dddd [ Trumpet Sound ]
255
00:15:47,295 --> 00:15:51,266
dddd [ All Vocalizing
HerculesTheme Song ]
256
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,525
dddd [ Vocalizing Continues ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
257
00:16:03,528 --> 00:16:06,531
Renaissance Pictures.
[ Woman On Phone,
Indistinct ]
258
00:16:06,531 --> 00:16:09,367
Oh! Oh, that's
wonderful news!
259
00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:11,987
[ All Flush ]
260
00:16:11,987 --> 00:16:15,290
You tell him we're looking
forward to seeing him soon.
261
00:16:15,290 --> 00:16:18,793
Yeah. Bye-bye.
262
00:16:19,794 --> 00:16:22,297
Oh, my God!
263
00:16:22,297 --> 00:16:25,800
The head of the studio's
on his way over here now!
264
00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:32,174
The head of the studio's coming!
265
00:16:33,675 --> 00:16:36,178
[ Beeps ]
266
00:16:36,178 --> 00:16:39,598
[ Computerized Voice ]
Red alert! Red alert!
[ Melissa ] Gloves!
267
00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:43,018
The head of the studio
is on his way.
Apron!
268
00:16:43,018 --> 00:16:48,023
Estimated time of arrival--
one minute, 57 seconds.
Jacket! Rose petals!
269
00:16:48,023 --> 00:16:52,611
- Right.
-One minute, 36 seconds.
270
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:56,581
-One minute, 35 seconds.
- Polish! Dust! Vacuum!
271
00:16:56,581 --> 00:16:59,584
Pictures erect!
Sparkle! Shine!
272
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:09,878
He's gonna fire us all.
I'm a dead man.
I'm a dead man!
273
00:17:09,878 --> 00:17:11,880
Bring him on, baby!
274
00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:13,882
Shut up,
the both of you!
275
00:17:14,382 --> 00:17:15,884
Nobody's getting fired.
276
00:17:16,384 --> 00:17:17,886
The studio doesn't know
Kevin is missing,
277
00:17:18,386 --> 00:17:20,388
and it is going
to stay that way.
278
00:17:20,388 --> 00:17:22,307
[ Elevator Bell Dings ]
279
00:17:32,183 --> 00:17:34,953
[ Cash Register Bell Dings ]
280
00:17:34,953 --> 00:17:38,023
Mr. Hollinsfoffer,
it's always a pleasure
to have you here, sir.
281
00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:40,025
Say, you're a pretty good liar.
Are you an executive?
282
00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:42,827
I'm Mr. Tapert's assistant.
Come see me in my office
Monday morning.
283
00:17:42,827 --> 00:17:44,829
We need more people
like you in management.
284
00:17:46,264 --> 00:17:50,702
Oh, B.S., how nice
to see you again.
It hasn't been long enough.
285
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:53,972
What the hell is everybody
doing here on a Sunday
anyway, huh?
286
00:17:53,972 --> 00:17:57,208
Say, is it Sunday?
We were so busy,
we-we-we didn't even notice.
287
00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:59,160
That's what
I wanna hear!
288
00:17:59,644 --> 00:18:01,896
Like I always say,
weekends are for Communists.
289
00:18:01,896 --> 00:18:05,467
- Look what happened to them.
-[ Golf Club Whooshes ]
290
00:18:05,467 --> 00:18:07,218
[ Rob Grimaces ]
291
00:18:11,222 --> 00:18:15,226
[ Laughs ]
292
00:18:15,226 --> 00:18:17,562
[ All Laughing ]
293
00:18:17,562 --> 00:18:19,898
[ Coughing ]
294
00:18:19,898 --> 00:18:22,000
[ All Laughing ]
295
00:18:23,184 --> 00:18:24,686
By the way, what's
with the rubber pants?
296
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:27,656
Oh, well, they're
the new rage, B.S.
297
00:18:27,656 --> 00:18:29,541
All the kids are wearing
rubbers these days.
298
00:18:29,541 --> 00:18:31,793
Isn't that right, Liz?
Yeah, yeah.
299
00:18:31,793 --> 00:18:34,679
And if they're not,
well, they should be.
300
00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:37,432
Make note to self:
Buy 12 pair of rubber pants.
301
00:18:37,432 --> 00:18:39,801
Hmm. Thanks for
the tip, Tap.
302
00:18:39,801 --> 00:18:42,687
[ Laughs ]
[ All Laughing ]
303
00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:45,774
[ Coughing ]
304
00:18:45,774 --> 00:18:48,276
Anytime, B.S.
Say hello to the wives.
305
00:18:48,276 --> 00:18:50,645
[ Golf Club Whooshes ]
Why am I here?
306
00:18:51,863 --> 00:18:54,366
Oh!
During the earthquake,
307
00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:57,369
a chandelier fell down,
hit me on the head.
308
00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:59,421
It was then
that I had a vision.
309
00:18:59,421 --> 00:19:01,423
A new direction
for the show.
310
00:19:01,423 --> 00:19:03,425
Hercules: The Musical!
311
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:06,928
Huh? LikeLa Cage Aux Folles
only better, bigger, brighter.
312
00:19:07,429 --> 00:19:10,382
- Goes something like this.
-[ Monitor Beeps ]
313
00:19:10,382 --> 00:19:13,318
[ B.S. ]
You start with your basic
damsel in distress.
314
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:17,739
Stop wasting your time.
You need a partner
to enter the contest.
315
00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:20,492
No one's crazy enough
to dance with you.
316
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,495
[ B.S. Narrating ]
But guess who comes along!
I'll be your partner.
317
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,364
[ Man ] Where'd he come from?
[ B.S. ] All we need now
is a dance teacher.
318
00:19:26,364 --> 00:19:28,783
The kind of gal
who can teach him how to
shake a tail feather.
319
00:19:28,783 --> 00:19:31,653
dd Honey, if you try dd
320
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:35,674
d
dd I know you'll reach the sky d
321
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:40,762
dd Just learn to spread
your wings and fly dddd
322
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:50,472
[ B.S. ] When it's time for them
to strut their stuff, they set
the dance floor on fire.
323
00:19:50,472 --> 00:19:54,926
]
dddd [ Rumba
324
00:20:04,903 --> 00:20:08,373
dddd [ Continues ]
325
00:20:13,945 --> 00:20:16,931
Get them off
that dance floor now!
326
00:20:16,931 --> 00:20:19,417
Come on!
327
00:20:27,242 --> 00:20:31,496
[ Clacking Sound ]
328
00:20:31,496 --> 00:20:34,399
Brilliant.
Real showstopper, B.S.
329
00:20:34,783 --> 00:20:37,168
You said it.
Yeah, they'll love it
in Cleveland.
330
00:20:37,168 --> 00:20:40,138
If they knew what they liked
in Cleveland, they wouldn't
live there. [ Spits ]
331
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:42,290
[ Intercom Beeps ]
332
00:20:42,290 --> 00:20:44,793
Yeah, what is it?
Rob, it's Davey.
333
00:20:44,793 --> 00:20:48,196
I haven't been able
to find Kevin yet,
but, uh--
334
00:20:48,196 --> 00:20:51,199
Yeah, don't worry.
I'm on to a new lead
on where he might be, you know.
335
00:20:51,199 --> 00:20:53,701
Oh, Davey.
How nice to hear from you.
Thanks for calling.
336
00:20:54,152 --> 00:20:56,771
- Enjoy the rest
of your vacation.
- Uh-uh, but, uh--
337
00:20:56,771 --> 00:20:59,741
Say, what did he mean,
"find Kevin"?
338
00:20:59,741 --> 00:21:04,245
Oh, not "find Kevin."
"Find... heaven."
339
00:21:04,245 --> 00:21:06,231
He's on a religious quest.
340
00:21:06,231 --> 00:21:08,683
- Isn't that right, Liz?
- You betcha.
341
00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:12,253
Davey hasn't been the same
since he saw George Burns's
face on a tortilla.
342
00:21:12,754 --> 00:21:15,306
[ Laughing ]
343
00:21:15,306 --> 00:21:17,475
It's no use.
He knows.
344
00:21:17,475 --> 00:21:22,063
It's true! It's true!
Kevin Sorbo's gone missing.
Oh, please, don't fire me!
345
00:21:22,063 --> 00:21:25,016
Please! I throw myself
on the mercy of the studio.
346
00:21:25,016 --> 00:21:27,519
[ Yells, Groans ]
347
00:21:31,022 --> 00:21:33,024
You lied to me.
348
00:21:33,024 --> 00:21:35,527
I never said
Kevinwasn'tmissing.
349
00:21:35,527 --> 00:21:38,696
Oh! You never said
hewasmissing.
You're fired!
350
00:21:38,696 --> 00:21:40,982
You can't fire me.
I quit.
351
00:21:40,982 --> 00:21:43,451
You can't quit.
I fired you!
352
00:21:43,451 --> 00:21:47,422
Oh, come on, guys.
We're all friends here.
353
00:21:50,408 --> 00:21:54,162
[ Groans ]
354
00:21:54,162 --> 00:21:57,298
I'm blind. Mommy?
[ Groans ]
355
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:03,054
You, you, you,
you, you...
356
00:22:03,054 --> 00:22:07,375
and you are all fired!
[ Liz ]
Thanks, Paul.
357
00:22:07,375 --> 00:22:09,377
[ Rob ]
Well, it was fun
while it lasted.
358
00:22:09,377 --> 00:22:11,379
[ Liz ]
MaybeSinbadis hiring.
359
00:22:11,379 --> 00:22:14,883
Nice poker face,
you sniveling coward.
360
00:22:14,883 --> 00:22:20,388
Hey, wait a minute.
That's it-- poker face.
We bluff.
361
00:22:20,388 --> 00:22:22,340
What are you talkin' about?
362
00:22:22,340 --> 00:22:26,895
Our show may not have a star,
but the audience doesn't
need to know that.
363
00:22:26,895 --> 00:22:31,366
Earth to Paul.
Once they turn on their TV set,
they'll see-- no Hercules.
364
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,836
Yeah, but what if
that is the story.
365
00:22:34,836 --> 00:22:37,839
You know, like, maybe
Hercules is caught up...
366
00:22:37,839 --> 00:22:41,342
in this--
this big... vortex.
367
00:22:43,294 --> 00:22:46,314
Remember that vortex
that led to a parallel world,
368
00:22:46,314 --> 00:22:48,349
where everything
was backwards?
369
00:22:48,349 --> 00:22:52,153
Ares, this is, uh,
a new look for you.
370
00:22:52,654 --> 00:22:54,155
What did you expect?
371
00:22:54,639 --> 00:22:56,391
I am the God of Love.
372
00:23:02,463 --> 00:23:05,383
It wouldn't kill you
to let it all hang out.
373
00:23:05,383 --> 00:23:07,902
Please, no.
It's not ladylike.
374
00:23:07,902 --> 00:23:10,889
Aphrodite's shy. Wow.
375
00:23:10,889 --> 00:23:14,576
[ Laughs ]
Nowthatis funny.
376
00:23:14,576 --> 00:23:16,561
What is this?
You promised me an execution.
377
00:23:17,061 --> 00:23:20,014
I did, didn't I?
378
00:23:20,999 --> 00:23:22,333
[ Gasps ]
379
00:23:24,302 --> 00:23:26,487
[ Paul ]
And Hercules had to fight
his evil twin, the Sovereign.
380
00:23:26,487 --> 00:23:30,174
Run, Iolaus!
[ Sovereign Growls ]
381
00:23:38,516 --> 00:23:42,136
No!
382
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,723
[ Paul ]
Well, why can't we stick
Hercules in the vortex too?
383
00:23:47,225 --> 00:23:49,644
So, while Hercules
is trapped in the vortex,
384
00:23:49,644 --> 00:23:52,046
all the other characters
have to run around
and help each other...
385
00:23:52,046 --> 00:23:55,917
to-- to protect the world
from the Sovereign.
386
00:23:55,917 --> 00:23:57,702
You idiot!
387
00:23:58,169 --> 00:24:00,705
Kevin Sorbo
played the Sovereign.
388
00:24:01,990 --> 00:24:03,992
[ Sobbing ]
389
00:24:05,994 --> 00:24:07,996
[ Rob ]
Where do you think
you're going?
390
00:24:07,996 --> 00:24:10,949
Hey, Hollinsfoffer
just fired us, remember?
391
00:24:12,333 --> 00:24:15,103
Good point.
I'm goin' fishing.
[ Snaps Fingers ]
392
00:24:15,103 --> 00:24:18,506
-Nice working with ya.
-Right. See ya.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
393
00:24:18,506 --> 00:24:22,393
Back! Back! Back! Back! Back!
Nobody's going anywhere.
394
00:24:22,393 --> 00:24:24,846
Somebody
has to handle this.
395
00:24:25,346 --> 00:24:27,732
- You're all rehired.
- [ All ] Whoo-hoo!
396
00:24:27,732 --> 00:24:31,536
Now if you'll excuse me, I have
to call an emergency meeting
with the board of directors.
397
00:24:31,536 --> 00:24:35,790
And I expect this
to be taken care of
by the time I get back.
398
00:24:35,790 --> 00:24:37,859
Hat!
399
00:24:42,847 --> 00:24:45,216
I'm outta here!
400
00:24:45,216 --> 00:24:47,168
Eric is on the line.
401
00:24:47,669 --> 00:24:50,672
[ Overlapping Chattering ]
Yes, Eric, go ahead.
402
00:24:51,155 --> 00:24:53,658
Did Kevin show up yet?
I was gonna ask you
the same thing.
403
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,160
I think the crew's
getting suspicious.
They know something's up.
404
00:24:56,661 --> 00:25:01,049
If they found out I lied
to them, I'm dead! Dead!
Just keep your pants on.
405
00:25:01,049 --> 00:25:04,252
But for God's sake,
don't zip 'em up too fast.
It's a killer.
406
00:25:04,252 --> 00:25:06,137
[ Gasping ]
[ Woman ] Somebody's
gotta lower that light.
407
00:25:06,137 --> 00:25:08,639
I've got a little problem
with one of the extras.
408
00:25:08,639 --> 00:25:10,641
Okay, everybody,
that's lunch!
409
00:25:10,641 --> 00:25:12,643
[ Bell Rings ]
Gotta go!
410
00:25:14,662 --> 00:25:18,549
Well, fellas, I'm afraid
we're gonna have to
face the ugly truth.
411
00:25:18,549 --> 00:25:21,769
It's time to find
a new Hercules.
412
00:25:24,288 --> 00:25:26,607
[ Elevator Bell Dings ]
413
00:25:29,527 --> 00:25:31,529
What's the matter,
somebody's puppy die?
414
00:25:34,899 --> 00:25:38,403
Ooh, tall, dark
and handsome.
415
00:25:38,403 --> 00:25:40,405
I miss ya, Jer.
416
00:25:40,905 --> 00:25:43,991
A hard man's good to find
these days.
417
00:25:43,991 --> 00:25:46,794
Well, I told you, Beth,
relationships
are for the weak.
418
00:25:46,794 --> 00:25:49,097
A week, a day.
I'll take an hour.
419
00:25:49,097 --> 00:25:51,382
Truth is, I only need
a couple of minutes.
420
00:25:51,382 --> 00:25:54,535
How is Captain Happy, hmm?
421
00:25:54,535 --> 00:25:58,372
- Have mercy.
- Look. Can we just
get started already?
422
00:25:58,372 --> 00:26:01,576
[ Beth ]
All right. But don't
get your hopes up.
423
00:26:01,576 --> 00:26:04,846
It's not easy to find
qualified applicants
on such short notice.
424
00:26:06,347 --> 00:26:08,349
Everyone,
425
00:26:09,851 --> 00:26:11,352
this is Johnny Pinko.
426
00:26:11,836 --> 00:26:13,721
Say hi, cutie pie.
427
00:26:14,222 --> 00:26:16,190
Shh. Save it.
428
00:26:16,190 --> 00:26:19,360
Johnny here's my gardener.
He trims my hedges
twice a week.
429
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:22,196
You should see the size
of his weed whacker.
430
00:26:23,614 --> 00:26:25,600
Okay, studly?
431
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,853
Sure, but I just
got one question.
432
00:26:28,853 --> 00:26:31,889
[ All ]
What's my motivation?
433
00:26:32,390 --> 00:26:36,894
Let me explain.
Hercules has just met up
with his old flame, Nemesis.
434
00:26:37,395 --> 00:26:39,897
And she's got
quite a surprise for him.
435
00:26:39,897 --> 00:26:41,816
And you saved his life.
436
00:26:42,316 --> 00:26:44,318
And this would be Evander.
437
00:26:44,318 --> 00:26:48,673
Yes, it would--
Evander-- our baby.
438
00:26:48,673 --> 00:26:51,425
[ Evander Gurgling ]
Shh!
439
00:26:51,425 --> 00:26:53,427
Our baby?
440
00:26:53,427 --> 00:26:59,117
[ Beth ] But Nemesis
has a secret, and she's
too ashamed to admit the truth.
441
00:26:59,617 --> 00:27:02,620
He's my son.
You don't wanna try me.
442
00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:06,073
[ Beth ] But it doesn't matter
to Hercules, who promises he'll
always look after Evander.
443
00:27:06,574 --> 00:27:10,578
I'll be back to see you
every chance I get.
444
00:27:11,078 --> 00:27:15,082
And before you know it,
I'll be teaching you
how to wrestle.
445
00:27:16,584 --> 00:27:18,586
And throw the discus.
446
00:27:21,589 --> 00:27:24,091
You don't know it now,
447
00:27:24,091 --> 00:27:26,594
but one day...
448
00:27:27,094 --> 00:27:29,096
you'll realize
you're different.
449
00:27:30,598 --> 00:27:33,100
And you'll wanna be
like everyone else.
450
00:27:33,601 --> 00:27:37,355
But you never will be.
You're special.
451
00:27:38,139 --> 00:27:41,025
You're very special.
452
00:27:41,025 --> 00:27:44,078
I will always
be there for you.
453
00:27:44,078 --> 00:27:47,331
[ Evander Gurgling ]
Always.
454
00:27:47,331 --> 00:27:49,083
Sock it to us, Pinko.
455
00:27:49,584 --> 00:27:51,586
And make it good.
456
00:27:52,587 --> 00:27:55,089
One moment, please.
457
00:28:04,448 --> 00:28:06,300
Mm-mm-mm.
458
00:28:11,155 --> 00:28:15,660
Evander, I'll be back
to see you every chance I get.
459
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,129
Before you know it,
I'll be teaching you
how to wrestle,
460
00:28:18,129 --> 00:28:20,131
how to-- how to
throw the discus.
461
00:28:20,131 --> 00:28:24,435
Huh? It won't be
an easy life to live,
but I'll be around to help.
462
00:28:24,435 --> 00:28:28,990
You know?
I will be there.
[ Sobbing ]
463
00:28:28,990 --> 00:28:34,328
Whoo, yes!
Oh, yes!
464
00:28:34,328 --> 00:28:36,314
Oh.
[ Laughs ]
465
00:28:40,201 --> 00:28:43,004
- Pretty good, huh?
- [ Groans ]
466
00:28:43,454 --> 00:28:47,558
[ Sean Connery Imitation ]
Evander, I'll be back
to see you every chance I get.
467
00:28:47,558 --> 00:28:51,145
[ Gurgling ]
468
00:28:58,069 --> 00:29:01,555
d
dd Hey, Evander
I'll be back to see
you every chance I get ddd
469
00:29:01,555 --> 00:29:06,644
d
dd Before you know it
I'll be teaching you how to
wrestle and throw the discus d
470
00:29:06,644 --> 00:29:08,946
dd Well, it won't be
an easy life to live dddd
471
00:29:10,731 --> 00:29:14,101
Well, if we ever make
a show calledRejects,
we'll know where to look.
472
00:29:14,101 --> 00:29:17,872
Beth, what are you doing to me?
I've seen better actors
in a puppet show.
473
00:29:17,872 --> 00:29:21,275
What do you expect?
You should have told me
when you knew Sorbo was missing.
474
00:29:21,275 --> 00:29:23,778
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's not my fault, okay?
475
00:29:23,778 --> 00:29:26,631
It's these damn writers.
I thought they'd have something
for me by now.
476
00:29:26,631 --> 00:29:30,635
C'mon, say that again.
Please.
477
00:29:34,639 --> 00:29:36,924
You want a piece of me,
tough guy?
478
00:29:41,595 --> 00:29:43,965
You'll have to
go through Liz.
479
00:29:44,448 --> 00:29:46,901
Ten bucks on Liz,
first round.
480
00:29:47,802 --> 00:29:50,071
Come on!
481
00:29:50,071 --> 00:29:53,057
Would you guys quit it?
I mean, come on!
482
00:29:53,057 --> 00:29:55,426
Now, look.
We're all working
on a hit show here.
483
00:29:55,426 --> 00:29:58,245
And no matter what happens,
nobody can take that
away from us.
484
00:29:58,245 --> 00:30:00,614
Except Kevin Sorbo.
485
00:30:02,199 --> 00:30:07,822
Yeah. We have
Davey on line one,
and Eric on line two.
486
00:30:09,290 --> 00:30:11,158
Yeah.
487
00:30:11,158 --> 00:30:13,477
Yeah, go ahead, Davey.
488
00:30:13,477 --> 00:30:15,713
Kevin Sorbo's
not in Spain, man!
489
00:30:15,713 --> 00:30:18,049
Davey, just slow down.
Take a breath.
490
00:30:18,049 --> 00:30:22,670
I can't slow down.
My life depends on it,
you know?
491
00:30:22,670 --> 00:30:26,774
You see? Now that's
the kind of commitment
I look for in my employees.
492
00:30:26,774 --> 00:30:31,429
Now, if you folks had been
working as hard as Davey here,
I'd be fishing now.
493
00:30:31,429 --> 00:30:33,314
Davey, remind me
to give you a raise.
494
00:30:33,314 --> 00:30:36,534
- [ Bulls Bellowing ]
- [ Yells ]
495
00:30:36,534 --> 00:30:40,321
- Go ahead, Eric.
- Yeah, the crew found out!
496
00:30:40,821 --> 00:30:42,823
Eric, calm down.
I can't understand you.
497
00:30:43,324 --> 00:30:46,327
I tried to pretend I was Kevin,
but for some reason
it didn't work.
498
00:30:46,327 --> 00:30:49,714
Oh, the horror!
Get off me!
I made you people!
499
00:30:49,714 --> 00:30:52,500
Hey, you tell those idiots
down there to behave,
or they're all fired.
500
00:30:52,500 --> 00:30:55,369
No! Oh, tell my wife
I love her!
501
00:30:55,369 --> 00:31:00,624
Tell my son
what a great man I was!
[ Screams ]
502
00:31:02,410 --> 00:31:04,795
[ Thud ]
[ Dial Tone ]
503
00:31:04,795 --> 00:31:06,797
We lost him.
504
00:31:06,797 --> 00:31:09,050
We're next.
505
00:31:09,050 --> 00:31:10,985
When the board finds out,
506
00:31:10,985 --> 00:31:13,487
they're gonna feed us
to the mechanical shark
in the amusement park.
507
00:31:13,487 --> 00:31:15,973
[ Sobbing ]
508
00:31:15,973 --> 00:31:20,728
Somebody's gotta
stop this insanity!
Liz!
509
00:31:24,198 --> 00:31:26,584
-[ Paul Grunts ]
-[ Beth ]
Too ugly.
510
00:31:26,984 --> 00:31:30,488
Too blonde.
No. No.
511
00:31:30,988 --> 00:31:32,990
No. No.
512
00:31:33,491 --> 00:31:35,743
I brought smelling salts.
513
00:31:35,743 --> 00:31:38,546
No, thanks, Melissa.
I'm trying to cut down.
514
00:31:40,414 --> 00:31:43,367
Oh, hey, while you're here,
take an inch or two
off the top, will ya?
515
00:31:43,868 --> 00:31:46,103
- I'm getting a little shaggy.
- Oh, can I?
516
00:31:46,103 --> 00:31:49,273
Well, that would be
the frosting on the cake
of my day.
517
00:31:51,675 --> 00:31:53,644
Officer, they said
they were 18.
518
00:31:53,644 --> 00:31:56,647
[ Clears Throat ]
What happened?
519
00:31:56,647 --> 00:31:59,533
Aftershock. You slipped
and fell on my fist.
520
00:31:59,533 --> 00:32:02,019
Oh.
[ Sighs ]
521
00:32:02,019 --> 00:32:05,689
All right now, people,
we're back to square one.
522
00:32:05,689 --> 00:32:08,876
How do we have a Hercules
episode without Hercules?
[ Mouthing Words ]
523
00:32:11,061 --> 00:32:15,032
-[ Jerry ] Well, sir--
- What about young Hercules?
524
00:32:16,834 --> 00:32:19,136
Go on.
525
00:32:19,136 --> 00:32:21,922
Well, he was a teenager
once, wasn't he?
526
00:32:21,922 --> 00:32:25,309
I mean, when did
he first meet Iolaus?
527
00:32:25,309 --> 00:32:28,262
And what was
the first monster he killed?
528
00:32:28,262 --> 00:32:32,049
And how long has he
been wearing those pants?
529
00:32:32,049 --> 00:32:37,054
Hercules has always been
a do-gooder, but remember
that Iolaus was a thief.
530
00:32:37,555 --> 00:32:39,256
Don't worry. I'll take it.
Mine! Mine!
531
00:32:39,723 --> 00:32:42,326
Maybe they weren't always
such good friends.
532
00:32:42,326 --> 00:32:43,911
After all,
boys will be boys.
533
00:32:43,911 --> 00:32:47,798
And remember,
balance is the key.
534
00:32:49,667 --> 00:32:51,502
Ooh! Ooh!
535
00:32:52,002 --> 00:32:54,054
Looks like Hercules
is a little off-key.
536
00:32:58,175 --> 00:33:01,061
Balance...
537
00:33:01,061 --> 00:33:02,897
is...
538
00:33:03,314 --> 00:33:05,432
key!
539
00:33:05,432 --> 00:33:08,636
[ Melissa ] Maybe he was
even a little too cocky
for his own good.
540
00:33:08,636 --> 00:33:10,638
Guess I beat
Ares' security system.
541
00:33:16,677 --> 00:33:20,614
[ Screeching ]
542
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:26,103
That is a big snake.
543
00:33:38,148 --> 00:33:42,102
[ Melissa ]
It would be just like
The Wonder Years,
544
00:33:42,102 --> 00:33:44,555
but with giant snakes.
545
00:33:44,555 --> 00:33:47,925
[ Popping Noise ]
We're saved!
546
00:33:47,925 --> 00:33:50,811
Melissa, you're a genius!
547
00:33:50,811 --> 00:33:55,549
Excuse me. I'd hate to be
a party pooper here, but we'd
have to recast the entire show,
548
00:33:55,549 --> 00:33:58,435
and we haven't even found
one decent actor today.
549
00:33:58,435 --> 00:34:00,437
Well, Skipper's
got a point too.
[ Clippers Buzzing ]
550
00:34:00,437 --> 00:34:02,439
Oh, but it'll make
a great spin-off.
551
00:34:02,439 --> 00:34:04,308
Melissa, remind me
to give you next Sunday off.
552
00:34:04,308 --> 00:34:06,944
- [ Mouthing Words ]
- Coming through.
553
00:34:06,944 --> 00:34:09,446
The board of directors
are animals.
They want blood.
554
00:34:09,446 --> 00:34:13,300
If we don't come up
with something by 5:00,
the show is canceled.
555
00:34:13,300 --> 00:34:16,020
What?
556
00:34:18,889 --> 00:34:21,659
Hmm.
557
00:34:21,659 --> 00:34:24,962
[ All Laughing ]
558
00:34:24,962 --> 00:34:26,964
Oops.
559
00:34:31,518 --> 00:34:34,755
[ Beth ]
What? Bernie,
speak English.
560
00:34:34,755 --> 00:34:39,093
Are you telling me he'd rather
do a hemorrhoids commercial?
561
00:34:39,093 --> 00:34:43,948
Fine. Fine. Then I'm sure
he'll enjoy sticking it
where the sun don't shine!
562
00:34:45,449 --> 00:34:47,818
Don Knotts won't do it.
563
00:34:47,818 --> 00:34:51,188
Well, keep at it, Beth.
I don't wanna see
your face around here...
564
00:34:51,188 --> 00:34:53,190
until you find me
a new Hercules.
565
00:34:55,643 --> 00:34:58,012
What are you gonna do?
It's almost 5:00.
566
00:34:59,747 --> 00:35:02,232
[ Sighs ]
Actors.
567
00:35:02,232 --> 00:35:04,568
I wish we could do away
with them altogether.
568
00:35:05,069 --> 00:35:09,473
Say, that gives me
an idea.
569
00:35:11,909 --> 00:35:14,395
[ Rob ]
What if we turned the show
into a cartoon?
570
00:35:14,395 --> 00:35:17,331
Why, we could have
a bunch of 'toons
doing all the things...
571
00:35:17,331 --> 00:35:20,618
that made this show
the money-making machine
that feeds us all.
572
00:35:20,618 --> 00:35:25,289
I... never... quit!
Bah!
573
00:35:27,758 --> 00:35:30,260
[ Hercules ]
Now drop him!
574
00:35:30,461 --> 00:35:32,279
[ Yelling ]
575
00:35:34,581 --> 00:35:37,985
[ Laughs ]
Cartoons. It's perfect.
576
00:35:37,985 --> 00:35:41,855
They're never late,
they don't complain,
and they won't ask for raises.
577
00:35:42,356 --> 00:35:45,275
Hello! Am I the only one
in this room getting oxygen?
578
00:35:45,275 --> 00:35:49,079
You still need Kevin's voice.
No Kevin, no cartoon.
579
00:35:49,079 --> 00:35:54,301
- [ Mocking ]
- Well, this is pointless.
580
00:35:55,803 --> 00:35:59,807
We should surrender
while we still got our dignity.
581
00:35:59,807 --> 00:36:02,309
[ Sobbing ]
We're ruined!
582
00:36:02,309 --> 00:36:04,311
I gotta get outta town!
Quick!
583
00:36:04,311 --> 00:36:08,148
Whoa! Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
Whoa!
584
00:36:08,148 --> 00:36:12,486
Now, we have an idea.
585
00:36:17,608 --> 00:36:20,611
Go on, tell 'em.
586
00:36:20,611 --> 00:36:23,113
You're gonna love this.
587
00:36:23,113 --> 00:36:26,133
[ Man Narrating ]
This is the story
of a time long ago,
588
00:36:26,133 --> 00:36:28,452
a time of myth and legend,
589
00:36:28,452 --> 00:36:31,488
when the ancient gods
were petty and cruel,
590
00:36:31,488 --> 00:36:33,991
and they plagued mankind
with suffering.
591
00:36:33,991 --> 00:36:37,828
Only one animal dared
to challenge their power--
592
00:36:37,828 --> 00:36:39,830
Chimpules.
[ Chittering ]
593
00:36:43,317 --> 00:36:45,269
Pretty great, huh?
594
00:36:45,269 --> 00:36:48,605
- Let me get this straight.
- Yeah.
595
00:36:48,605 --> 00:36:52,659
You guys sit there
like vegetables for six months,
596
00:36:52,659 --> 00:36:55,646
and the first idea
you come up with is Chimpules?
597
00:36:56,597 --> 00:37:01,335
Well, we were saving it
for the right time.
598
00:37:01,335 --> 00:37:04,138
How the [ Bleep ]
did they get these jobs?
599
00:37:04,138 --> 00:37:06,974
- Liz hired them.
- I used to babysit
for them in high school.
600
00:37:06,974 --> 00:37:10,544
I didn't realize they'd
turn out to be such idiots.
601
00:37:10,544 --> 00:37:16,233
Okay, okay, look.
We didn't go to film school
for nothing.
602
00:37:16,233 --> 00:37:20,804
And we've been working
on this idea,
day and night.
603
00:37:20,804 --> 00:37:24,224
And frankly, I think--
604
00:37:24,224 --> 00:37:27,611
No, Iknowyou guys
are jealous of our talent.
605
00:37:27,611 --> 00:37:31,331
And you know what?
It's not fair.
606
00:37:31,331 --> 00:37:35,836
It is not fair!
Not fair! N-- Ow!
607
00:37:35,836 --> 00:37:37,704
I've had it with you!
608
00:37:39,006 --> 00:37:41,008
Die! Die!
609
00:37:42,876 --> 00:37:46,547
Ow, my eye!
Get your finger
outta my eye!
610
00:37:47,047 --> 00:37:50,417
Excuse me.
The board of directors
are on the line.
611
00:37:50,417 --> 00:37:53,520
They'd like an answer.
[ Fighting Continues ]
612
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:59,092
Rob, I've been
in this business 20 years.
613
00:37:59,092 --> 00:38:01,061
And I think
it's safe to say...
614
00:38:01,562 --> 00:38:05,415
this is the worst staff
in the entire history
of television.
615
00:38:05,415 --> 00:38:07,968
I'm gonna
gouge your eyes out!
616
00:38:07,968 --> 00:38:13,440
[ Beeping ]
617
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:16,109
[ Computer Voice ]
Smoke detector.
618
00:38:16,109 --> 00:38:19,429
Please evacuate building
in an orderly fashion.
This is not a drill.
619
00:38:19,429 --> 00:38:22,816
That's it.
Little Jerry ain't
foolin' around no more.
620
00:38:27,704 --> 00:38:31,708
Oh. Melissa, get me
a towel, will ya?
My hair is melting.
621
00:38:31,708 --> 00:38:36,563
Use my diploma, you dummy.
It's not doing me any good!
622
00:38:36,563 --> 00:38:40,851
Mr. Hollinsfoffer,
I hope this doesn't
reflect negatively...
623
00:38:40,851 --> 00:38:44,354
on my situation.
[ Yells ]
624
00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:49,026
No!
Like that, huh?
Do ya?
625
00:38:49,026 --> 00:38:51,461
Ooh!
626
00:38:51,461 --> 00:38:53,313
Yeah, I like it!
627
00:39:14,751 --> 00:39:17,070
[ Oxygen Hissing ]
628
00:39:20,357 --> 00:39:22,259
Hi.
629
00:39:33,987 --> 00:39:36,173
[ Jerry ]
Die! Die! Die!
630
00:39:36,173 --> 00:39:38,926
[ Crunch ]
Goddamn!
631
00:39:41,895 --> 00:39:43,764
Is this a bad time?
632
00:39:55,292 --> 00:39:57,177
[ Cocks Gun ]
633
00:40:04,935 --> 00:40:07,354
[ Ares ]
Oh!
634
00:40:07,354 --> 00:40:11,775
This is a great day,
indeed.
You said it, Uncle.
635
00:40:11,775 --> 00:40:16,713
Causing that earthquake
was a stroke of genius.
636
00:40:16,713 --> 00:40:20,684
I knew my brother
couldn't put his show
above innocent lives.
637
00:40:20,684 --> 00:40:23,520
Mud slides, fires,
earthquakes.
638
00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:26,156
I'll bet he's had
quite the busy day.
639
00:40:26,156 --> 00:40:28,959
Oh! Nice.
640
00:40:28,959 --> 00:40:32,229
And now...
641
00:40:32,229 --> 00:40:35,365
with these mortals about to,
uh, kill each other,
642
00:40:36,533 --> 00:40:40,787
[ Chuckles ]
the show's as good as canceled.
643
00:40:40,787 --> 00:40:45,492
Yes, pretty soon my brother's
"legendary journeys"...
644
00:40:45,492 --> 00:40:47,828
will be
but a distant memory,
645
00:40:47,828 --> 00:40:49,713
and I'll be able to watch
Millenniumin peace.
646
00:40:49,713 --> 00:40:51,531
I missCop Rock.
647
00:40:52,015 --> 00:40:54,801
Oh, I'll sing
something for you.
648
00:40:54,801 --> 00:40:59,022
No. I do not
believe this!
649
00:40:59,523 --> 00:41:02,442
You can't have rescued
everyone in the city
by now.
650
00:41:02,442 --> 00:41:04,945
It looks like
you've underestimated me
again, dear brother.
651
00:41:04,945 --> 00:41:07,397
But then,
what else is new?
652
00:41:07,397 --> 00:41:10,867
- You are pathetic.
- Pathetic.
653
00:41:10,867 --> 00:41:15,956
Pretending to be a mortal--
this-this
Kevin Sorbo character?
654
00:41:15,956 --> 00:41:18,625
And you know what Dad
thinks about actors.
655
00:41:18,625 --> 00:41:22,963
Wait, wait, wait.
Since when did you start
caring about what Zeus thinks?
656
00:41:22,963 --> 00:41:27,134
Besides, the, uh, world
isn't ready for the truth.
657
00:41:27,134 --> 00:41:31,188
This is not over, Hercules.
We'll meet again.
658
00:41:31,188 --> 00:41:35,809
Hmm. Have your people
call my people.
We'll do lunch.
659
00:41:45,786 --> 00:41:49,239
[ Arguing Continues ]
660
00:41:49,706 --> 00:41:52,926
- Kevin Sorbo.
-[ Liz ] Kevin!
661
00:41:52,926 --> 00:41:57,547
- Am I interrupting anything?
-[ Paul ] Oh, we're saved!
662
00:41:57,547 --> 00:42:01,001
Thank God!
[ Groaning ]
663
00:42:01,485 --> 00:42:04,337
[ Liz ]
We've been so worried.
664
00:42:04,337 --> 00:42:07,674
[ Laughs ]
Kevin, I-- You're--
665
00:42:07,674 --> 00:42:10,127
[ Sobbing ]
Oh, Kevin!
666
00:42:10,127 --> 00:42:12,129
Can you ever
forgive us?
667
00:42:12,129 --> 00:42:14,481
We thought we could do
the show without you.
668
00:42:14,481 --> 00:42:17,984
- Boy, were we wrong, huh?
- It's been a long day.
669
00:42:17,984 --> 00:42:20,470
It's true.
There's only one Hercules.
670
00:42:20,470 --> 00:42:23,473
You're telling me.
Uh, by the way, Kevin,
671
00:42:23,473 --> 00:42:25,425
where in the hell
were you all day?
672
00:42:25,926 --> 00:42:30,430
Oh, I, uh, I got
stuck in traffic.
Hmm.
673
00:42:30,430 --> 00:42:33,900
Hey, after all,
I'm only human.
674
00:42:34,901 --> 00:42:38,371
[ All Laughing ]
675
00:42:38,371 --> 00:42:40,373
[ Rob ]
Kevin, we wanna talk
to you about--
676
00:42:40,373 --> 00:42:43,226
[ Chattering ]
677
00:42:49,633 --> 00:42:51,635
On the brighter side,
678
00:42:51,635 --> 00:42:54,838
after one of the most
destructive earthquakes
in recent memory,
679
00:42:55,238 --> 00:42:59,242
we're happy to report
there have been zero casualties.
680
00:42:59,242 --> 00:43:01,645
All thanks
to a mystery man...
681
00:43:01,645 --> 00:43:05,649
who performed miraculous rescues
throughout the Southland.
682
00:43:05,649 --> 00:43:08,852
If you're watching,
whoever you are,
683
00:43:09,252 --> 00:43:12,055
the City of Angels
owes you a debt of gratitude.
684
00:43:12,055 --> 00:43:15,258
Thank you and good night.
685
00:43:23,733 --> 00:43:26,436
Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles
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