Original subtitles

-- I live here too, Stephen.

-- So you do. Thanks for the update.

-- You just seem to take over the whole room.

-- I-I'm eating a muffin off a small plate.

It's not like I've got a hog on a spit and a barrel of mead.

-- I feel restricted.

I feel like a caged bird.

There's just too much, you know, "grrrr" in this house now.

-- "Grrrr"?

-- "Grrrr," you know? Competing energy.

You and Mum and Julian.

I'm in the bedroom next to them and I can hear them at it relentlessly.

There's a lot of heavy sex energy.

-- I'd rather not think about that.

-- Are you intimidated by the idea of an older woman enjoying sex?

-- Yes.

-- I never used to hear Mum and my dad at it in the same way.

-- Sorry, Mum and YOUR dad?

-- Well, it's just not being sure if you're Laurie's son or not.

That was one of the things that, you know, sent you a bit...

-- ..mad as a boiled chimp? Sure.

You just don't really need to point it out.

-- Hi. -- Sorry we're late up.

-- I appreciate your heavy sex energy, Mum, it's empowering.

but it's making me want to find a job and move out.

Sorry, body of Christ.

-- I'm off too.

Not to find a job or somewhere else to live,

although I probably should at some point.

-- Granola for me.

-- I-I left a pause there for you to say, "No, no,

"stay in the family home as long as you like, member of the family."

-- Oh, whatever you do, you have my full support.

-- Mine too.

-- Thanks.

That means absolutely nothing.

New snacks?

-- Johnnies, tampons and Anadin for the vends.

Cheers, mate, see you next month.

-- Right you are. Be lucky, guys.

-- Will do. Double sixes every time.

-- Sorry, I was miming shaking dice, not implying you're a wanker.

-- Not seen you for a few days, Stephen.

Did all the business with puh-ub get to you?

-- I guess a little bit, you know.

And Julian being at home is a bit odd.

-- Our stepfather who art in Ellen.

Sorry, Stephen, that's crude.

-- Anything new happening here?

-- Oh, yes. Yeah, there is, as it goes.

-- They say rules are there to be broken.

Well, bull - if the ladies will excuse me - shit.

Rules are there to be wilfully ignored.

"Excuse me, Mike, you've broken the law."

Well, sorry, chum, I don't even acknowledge its existence.

-- Case in point - seat belts.

You drive more safely without a seat belt because you take more care.

The majority of road deaths are actually caused by seat belts.

-- I'm not sure you can prove that, Geoff.

-- I don't need to prove it, Stephen, it's what I believe.

-- This is Stephen, he's Ellen's son.

-- What? The lovely Ellen.

So you're Laurie Nichols' boy?

-- His surname certainly is Nichols, yes.

-- Eh! What's your poison, Steve?

-- Oh, I'll just have a water.

-- It's midday and I am celebrating.

You can't have a water.

Jan, get Stevo whatever he wants, as long as it's not water,

and have one for yourself.

-- Oh, thanks, Mike.

I like your enormous watch.

Really massive.

-- Thank you. That belonged to Salman Rushdie.

Shit at poker.

-- I'll have an orange and passion fruit J2O please, Jan.

Who's the guy with the confidence surplus?

Don't think I've ever seen anyone

man-spread across a whole room before.

-- He's called "Charismatic Mike".

-- Mike is an utter legend.

Not you, Mike. --Right. Thanks for clarifying.

-- Your children's fruity drink, Stephen. -- Thanks.

-- I remember Mike's send-off party...

Not you, Mike. -- Yeah, I know.

-- ..when he left to join the army in '78.

We ended up back at my farm,

jousting on tractors with scaffolding poles.

-- Sounds dangerous.

-- Someone lost an eye.

-- Those were the days.

And now he's back and everyone's delighted.

A one-man Mardi Gras.

-- I don't know what it is about Charismatic Mike,

but he's got something.

-- Charisma?

-- That's probably it, yeah, come to think of it.

-- Oh!

I heard he was back.

Oh, my word, look at him.

You can feel the charisma from over here.

-- I can't. -- I'm with you, Mike. Getting nothing here.

-- Makes me feel we've been in 2D black and white

all the time he's been away.

-- You're talking about him like he's Jesus come back.

-- But he isn't. I would know.

-- He's Jesus plus.

He's what you get if you splice Jesus with Clarkson

and that thin, twinkly cunt who plays Loki.

-- BAG THUNKS Woo-ooh!

-- Ellen.

As gorgeous as ever.

-- CM, long time no...

..you know. -- Mm.

-- THEY GIGGLE

-- So I heard you ended up as a city trader, Mike?

-- Oh, yeah, late '80s.

Wild.

But it wasn't me. I felt owned by the markets 24/7.

So, one day, I just quit and entered the Paris-Dakar rally.

-- I can never fathom why they end it there.

Grim place.

-- You might be thinking of Dachau, Geoff.

-- Oh, fuck, yes. Sorry. Go on, Mike.

-- Anyway, I never made it out of Paris,

cos I fell in love with the girl

waving the flag on the starting line.

One year and an annulment later, I find myself out on me arse

in Montmartre, so I open an expat bar.

Mike's Place.

-- Clever. -- Yeah, wow.

-- Bummed around the Silk Road, dealt in Turkish rugs for a bit.

-- Love the Silk Road.

I travelled the full length twice.

Xi'an to Constantinople and back.

-- I think you mean Istanbul, chum.

-- It was Constantinople when the Silk Road was running.

I like to respect the historical context.

-- Oh, I ran a hostel in Kathmandu,

moved to Oz, where I spent the last of my cash

financing my girlfriend's short film,

but she was on marching powder so I got my marching orders.

So, Bob's your wossname, here I am.

So what about you?

-- Very similar vibe actually, Mike.

Er, you probably picked up, I'm a fellow nomad.

I imported electric bikes into Uruguay for a while.

-- Not you, sweetheart.

Him. -- Sorry. Me?

-- Yeah, quiet ones are always more interesting than the peacocks.

The floor's yours, Stevo.

-- OK, er, potted version.

I was born...

No, I'm boring myself already.

-- Off the sauce, there's a story right there.

Let me guess.

A wild man...

..but he doesn't know it.

A lion masquerading as a pussycat.

You've lived the life others wanted for you,

not the one you wanted for yourself

and, because of that, you've poured your anger into drink

when you should have shot it out into the world.

But it's not too late.

-- Do you hear that, Stephen? It's never too late.

Like with your maths GCSE.

-- Yeah, it's funny.

I can see Ellen in you but not Laurie.

He was a strong character, wasn't he? Most popular guy in town.

Formidable, took shit from no-one.

-- That was him.

Ah, well, there we are.

I'm not Laurie and Laurie's not me.

-- Terry, you old badger-fucker.

How many badgers have you fucked?

You fuck badgers up the bum.

-- Fuck me. How long have you been there?

-- Only a second. I just needed a moment to recover.

Wasn't expecting a snub from Charismatic Mike.

I really thought we connected.

-- I was taking a moment too.

All that stuff about how strong Laurie was,

how he didn't take shit from anyone.

Whereas I'm a wholesale shit importer.

Of course I'm not his son - it's always been screamingly obvious.

-- I know this Laurie business has been tough.

-- Balls! You love it.

The one thing I had over you was a blood connection to Laurie

and now that's gone.

It's all I ever really wanted and it's gone.

-- But you and Charismatic Mike had a weird sort of bond just then.

He seemed to know you.

I mean, it's not beyond the realms of possibility, is it?

-- Is what?

-- He was on that list of Ellen's former lovers.

Mike Dewar.

-- Was he? -- Pretty sure he was.

-- What are you trying to do?

-- I'm trying to help.

-- By implying he might be my dad?

Don't be ridiculous, I'm not Charismatic Stephen.

I couldn't run "Steve's Place" -

I tried to run a pub and it burned down.

-- Maybe because you didn't have the right father figure.

-- Stop fucking with me.

-- I'm not fucking with you. It's just...

..I never spent enough time with my real mother,

and that's the root of who I am today.

-- OK, I actually do need a poo now.

Would you mind?

Mum. -- Yes, she did sleep with Mike.

-- Charismatic Mike.

-- Is he potentially my father?

-- Don't get into this, Stephen.

It's best to let the past stay in the past.

-- Right that that's what's written on the cenotaph, isn't it?

-- Look, I suppose that, working backwards from your birth,

that, yes, Mike does fit the timeframe.

Well, him and Laurie.

I was still sleeping with Laurie.

-- And Cheeky Pete.

-- Oh, yes.

Oh, I had a thing at the time for bad boys.

But Cheeky Pete really was a very bad boy.

-- He attacked 40 sheep with a machete.

-- Oh, that is well cheeky.

-- So my dad is potentially a charmless publican,

a lovable charlatan or-or a sheep murder?

-- Murderer/maimer.

In a more controlled environment,

he'd have just been a family butcher.

-- But is it likely to be Mike, do you think, love?

You're very different.

-- Maybe I can be someone else, like Charismatic Mike said.

Maybe I'm not tied to this family,

destined to be a disappointing copy of Laurie.

This could be the most liberating thing that's happened to me.

-- Then how are you going to find out for sure?

All you've got are my vague sex memories.

-- Don't worry, leave it to Geoff.

Me. I'm speaking in the third person to add a bit of pizazz.

-- Hi. -- Sorry, I'm in a hurry, so I've already ordered for me,

but I wasn't sure what would have been on today's menu

at the Wellness Centre.

Are you still trying to match that?

-- No, no. I mean, today would have been lasagne.

Wednesday lasagne day, but I'm not bothered.

-- What can I get you?

-- I'll have the lasagne.

-- Coming up.

-- So I've got to be back at the office at two.

Look, part of the reason I wanted to see you, actually,

is I was wondering... -- I think I might have just met my dad.

-- Are you OK, Stephen?

Are you having visions of Laurie?

-- Not Laurie, Mike.

-- Mike's the same age as you.

-- Charismatic Mike.

-- Mike? Charismatic? I can't even remember if he has a moustache.

-- This is an entirely separate Mike who Mum slept with.

He's one of the candidates to be my dad.

Him, Laurie, and a bloke called Cheeky Pete who stabbed livestock.

-- He stabbed livestock?

-- It was a different era.

So, say I wanted to get a paternity test...

-- Well, we do them a lot at work.

DNA from sweat, saliva, blood, hair.

Send them off to commercial forensics, results back in 72 hours.

But think carefully -

this isn't Andrew playing with your brain again, is it?

-- Whatever Andrew's doing or not doing, I need to know who my dad is.

-- So, there are three potential dads?

-- Yes, it's... It's like Mamma Mia.

I've only seen the trailer for the first one,

but I think I get the gist.

Alison's organising a DNA paternity test to unmask the father.

The lucky father.

-- Already on it, Stevo.

I'm off to exhume Laurie.

-- With a JCB?

-- Yeah, it's not a JCB.

-- Whatever the fuck it is.

You want to exhume Laurie with a mechanical digger?

-- I'm not digging him up with a spade, am I?

With my piles, they'd pop like bubble wrap.

-- You can't just drive into a graveyard

and start digging up bodies!

You need permission.

-- Easier to seek forgiveness than permission.

I've done a reccy and I might knock over a few headstones around Laurie,

but they all died in the '50s,

so I don't think they get many visitors.

Just tramps in search of a moonlight crap.

-- Jeff, you are not digging up a man who may have been my father,

but definitely was your brother.

His toothbrush is still in the bathroom cabinet.

We can use DNA from that.

-- Amazing. Like Jurassic Park.

You could have a theme park with thousands of clones

of your dad running everywhere.

-- That would be terrifying.

-- But fucking cool.

MUFFLED CHATTER

-- OK, shall... Shall I ask him for some DNA?

Is it a bit weird to go straight in on that?

A bit sexual?

-- He might think you want maintenance from years ago.

He could go all fathers for justice

and climb on a flat roof pub dressed as Ironman.

-- So we steal some DNA.

What's a good source?

-- Pull a hair out. -- One hair?

-- Or a handful? I could pretend I slipped and was bracing my fall.

-- No.

-- Accidental glassing - swab some blood.

-- Great idea! And then when you're in prison,

you can get a sample off Cheeky Pete, too.

-- Well, we need to do something.

I'm invested in this.

I need to know if you're my blood nephew or not.

-- Why?

-- Because you went bonkers, Stephen.

Round the bend and up the pictures.

I want to know if it's genetic.

-- Looking to swipe some DNA?

-- Under control, thanks.

-- Well, I've already got a sample if that's a help.

-- What, you just happen to take the DNA of your punters?

-- Not all of them. Just Mike.

Sorry, Mike, not you - Charismatic Mike.

-- Oh, look, fuck's sake!

How about you call me Mike the Barman and him just Mike.

Or me Mike, and him Mike Not-the-Barman, yeah?

Can we not differentiate on charisma?

-- Sorry, Mike, what were you saying?

I zoned out for a minute there.

-- Anyway, the DNA's here if you want it.

-- Stevo!

Terry is throwing me a welcome back party

and we've got some great guys coming.

We got Worzel, Single Malt, Barry the Fucker, Pritt Stick Betty,

but it would be nice to have a fresh face.

-- Thanks, I'd love to.

-- You know, you remind me so much of me.

I used to be scared about what people thought of me,

but then I realised that the greatest superpower is

to never be embarrassed.

Then you can fly!

You only get one shot at life, so don't hide from it.

Luxuriate in it.

All right, son?

-- All right, D... Mike.

-- KNOCK AT DOOR

-- Just thought I'd drop this off for the DNA test.

Couple of hairs from Charismatic Mike -

from the shoulder of his jacket.

-- Why are you doing this?

-- To help.

-- To help Stephen into another breakdown?

Or is this about Charismatic Mike?

-- Hot new enigma in town stealing your thunder?

-- You want to bring him down by giving him Stephen as a son.

-- Why would Stephen being his son bring him down?

-- It wouldn't. Exactly.

My point entirely.

-- I'm a different person now.

I played mind games

because it was just second nature to me for so long.

-- Right.

-- When you're alone in the world, you build up layers of defence.

You try to be who people want you to be

because you're afraid they'll hate the real you.

When I first arrived, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Stephen.

But I fear I did through my own insecurity and I'm truly sorry.

-- Can I get anyone teas or coffees? Or teas?

I said teas. Coffees?

-- You already asked me half an hour ago, Cass, and I said tea.

-- Oh, shit! Sorry. Uh, and sorry for saying shit. Andrew?

-- I'm fine, thanks.

Why are you here?

-- Work experience. -- Temping.

I always thought I'd make a great solicitor.

Stand up for the underdog.

If a guy's just selling a bit of weed, leave him alone, copper.

If another guy steals a loaf of bread,

don't hang him, give him some Dairylea.

-- They don't hang people any more.

-- Or do they still, in a way?

-- No.

How are you getting on with the filing, Cass?

-- Great. Colour coded, yes?

-- Alphabetical.

-- That's what I meant. Brilliant.

-- PHONE RINGS

Ugh, parents.

What, with them and Stephen,

I feel like a full-time carer at the moment.

-- I'll leave you to it.

-- Hi. Oh, hi, Dad.

Yes. Again?

Well, no, no-one really has aerials any more.

I really think you should think about getting a smart TV.

You know, you can connect via the internet.

No, it's not the same as smart water.

-- Hey.

-- Why are you here?

-- I was invited.

-- Shit.

Has Mike asked everyone to his welcome back party?

I thought it was an exclusive thing. --MUFFLED GUITAR PLAYS

-- I think you should get a diving watch. -- What?

-- The shirt looks good. I think you could expand the look.

-- I haven't got a look, I just dressed in a hurry.

-- Sure.

-- Don't "sure" me, "sure" yourself.

-- Right. --COWS MOO

THEY PLAY IRISH FOLK MUSIC

CHEERING

-- How come he's got so many friends?

I've never had a house party with this many people.

-- Yo, welcome.

I once partied 86 hours straight in Bali.

I used an adrenaline pen to get me through the last 90 minutes.

Let's see if we can beat that record. Have a drink.

I call it a Stevo special.

Orange and passion fruit J2O, but with gin and vermouth.

MIKE CHUCKLES --I don't drink, Mike.

I was very reliant on alcohol and now I've stopped drinking.

-- Andy, tell him.

Life is for living - you're a long time dead.

-- He really doesn't want it, Mike.

-- Well, fuck you both, then.

-- Do I want to be his son?

Inspirational platitudes and the use of

emergency pharmaceuticals to prolong drinking.

But, uh, I don't want to be Laurie's,

because that means I'm destined to be a disappointment.

-- Cheeky Pete, then.

-- Seems the best option. I've never liked sheep.

Fuck, I don't know what I think any more.

Is this what you wanted? For me to feel even more adrift?

-- I'm just trying to help you.

-- Shall we go and dig up Laurie anyway?

I'm morbidly interested in what's left of him.

Who can hot-wire a JCB?

OK, I've not got long.

I can't fix it myself, but I can call a man.

Oh, it's working?

-- He already came.

-- Who? -- The man you sent.

-- Yeah, he's like an angel.

-- What are you doing here?

-- The aerial just needed repositioning.

-- You listened in on my phone call?

-- Sorry, I was in the room and I couldn't help overhearing,

and you said that you felt like a carer so I was just trying to help.

Apologies if I overstepped the mark.

-- No, I guess... No, it's fine. Thanks.

-- Yes, Andrew's fixed it for now, and he's ordered us a new TV.

-- We can connect via the internet.

So we don't need to bother about the aerial.

-- Come on, Phil, let's bleed those rads and I'll change the time

on the oven for you. -- Oh!

-- Oh, why is it that the clocks have to go back and forward

all the bloody time? -- I know. --It's ridiculous.

-- Nightmare.

You get back to work. I've got this.

-- OK. And thanks.

It's a big help.

-- That's what I'm trying to do now.

Pint of Old Dreadful, please, Janny J Jan Jan.

-- Coming at you, Mikey Crikey. --THEY CHUCKLE

Stephen it's in.

Do you want to go somewhere private?

-- I should hear at the same time. This affects me as much as him.

-- No, it doesn't.

-- Yes, it does. I might be about to discover that I'm an only child.

-- Shouldn't you be back at the office?

-- Alison fired me.

-- You weren't exactly employed, Cass.

-- Yo, Stevo!

What you got there, then? You look nervous.

Let me guess, library fines?

-- Could be. MIKE CHUCKLES

Definitely not a DNA test.

-- Hmm, been a naughty boy, then, Stevo?

-- Damn, he's sharp.

-- No, s-someone else has.

Well, not naughty, necessarily - sexual.

-- Well, word of advice to your friend and I say the same to you -

get a vasectomy.

I knew I never wanted to be tied down.

I got one when I was 18 and I always wondered

if I would change my mind and never did.

I am 18 in my head and I always will be.

I am Mike, not Dad.

-- Well, that's Mike out of the picture.

The moment of truth. Laurie or Cheeky Pete.

-- I heard the results are in.

-- You sound like you're going to add,

"And the phone lines are now closed."

-- Yes, but it is exciting, finding out who your father is.

-- Oh, come on, Stephen, open it.

-- STEPHEN SIGHS

-- If it's all the same, I-I'd rather be Schrodinger's son.

-- Is that Cheeky Pete's surname?

-- Oh, Stephen!

-- There, all done.

It can remain a mystery.

-- They usually send it by email as well, don't they?

-- Shit, course they do.

-- It's Laurie.

You're Laurie's son.

You're a Nichols.

-- There you go, Stephen.

The blood connection to Laurie.

What you wanted.

You've got the one thing that you wanted.

-- Yes.

Yes, I got the one thing I wanted.

I... I'm Laurie's son, forever.

-- I hope I was able to help in some way.

That's what I try to do now.

I help.

-- MUSIC: Son Of My Father by Chicory Tip

# Son of my father

# Moulded, I was folded, I was free from drive

# Son of my father

# Commanded, I was branded in a plastic bag

# Surrounded and confounded by statistic facts. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media