All language subtitles for Back.S02E02.1080p.ALL4.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.x264-NTb

-- I live here too, Stephen.

-- So you do. Thanks for the update.

-- You just seem to take over
the whole room.

-- I-I'm eating a muffin
off a small plate.

It's not like I've got a hog
on a spit and a barrel of mead.

-- I feel restricted.

I feel like a caged bird.

There's just too much, you know,
"grrrr" in this house now.

-- "Grrrr"?

-- "Grrrr," you know?
Competing energy.

You and Mum and Julian.

I'm in the bedroom next to them and
I can hear them at it relentlessly.

There's a lot of heavy sex energy.

-- I'd rather not think about that.

-- Are you intimidated by the idea
of an older woman enjoying sex?

-- Yes.

-- I never used to hear Mum
and my dad at it in the same way.

-- Sorry, Mum and YOUR dad?

-- Well, it's just not being sure
if you're Laurie's son or not.

That was one of the things that,
you know, sent you a bit...

-- ..mad as a boiled chimp? Sure.

You just don't really
need to point it out.

-- Hi. -- Sorry we're late up.

-- I appreciate your heavy sex energy,
Mum, it's empowering.

but it's making me
want to find a job and move out.

Sorry, body of Christ.

-- I'm off too.

Not to find a job
or somewhere else to live,

although I probably
should at some point.

-- Granola for me.

-- I-I left a pause there for you
to say, "No, no,

"stay in the family home as long
as you like, member of the family."

-- Oh, whatever you do,
you have my full support.

-- Mine too.

-- Thanks.

That means absolutely nothing.

New snacks?

-- Johnnies, tampons
and Anadin for the vends.

Cheers, mate, see you next month.

-- Right you are. Be lucky, guys.

-- Will do. Double sixes every time.

-- Sorry, I was miming shaking dice,
not implying you're a wanker.

-- Not seen you for a few days,
Stephen.

Did all the business
with puh-ub get to you?

-- I guess a little bit, you know.

And Julian being at home
is a bit odd.

-- Our stepfather who art in Ellen.

Sorry, Stephen, that's crude.

-- Anything new happening here?

-- Oh, yes. Yeah, there is, as it goes.

-- They say rules are there
to be broken.

Well, bull -
if the ladies will excuse me - shit.

Rules are there
to be wilfully ignored.

"Excuse me, Mike,
you've broken the law."

Well, sorry, chum, I don't even
acknowledge its existence.

-- Case in point - seat belts.

You drive more safely without a seat
belt because you take more care.

The majority of road deaths
are actually caused by seat belts.

-- I'm not sure you can prove that,
Geoff.

-- I don't need to prove it, Stephen,
it's what I believe.

-- This is Stephen,
he's Ellen's son.

-- What? The lovely Ellen.

So you're Laurie Nichols' boy?

-- His surname certainly is Nichols,
yes.

-- Eh! What's your poison, Steve?

-- Oh, I'll just have a water.

-- It's midday and I am celebrating.

You can't have a water.

Jan, get Stevo whatever he wants,
as long as it's not water,

and have one for yourself.

-- Oh, thanks, Mike.

I like your enormous watch.

Really massive.

-- Thank you.
That belonged to Salman Rushdie.

Shit at poker.

-- I'll have an orange
and passion fruit J2O please, Jan.

Who's the guy with
the confidence surplus?

Don't think I've ever seen anyone

man-spread across
a whole room before.

-- He's called "Charismatic Mike".

-- Mike is an utter legend.

Not you, Mike.
--Right. Thanks for clarifying.

-- Your children's fruity drink,
Stephen. -- Thanks.

-- I remember Mike's send-off party...

Not you, Mike. -- Yeah, I know.

-- ..when he left to join
the army in '78.

We ended up back at my farm,

jousting on tractors
with scaffolding poles.

-- Sounds dangerous.

-- Someone lost an eye.

-- Those were the days.

And now he's back
and everyone's delighted.

A one-man Mardi Gras.

-- I don't know what it is
about Charismatic Mike,

but he's got something.

-- Charisma?

-- That's probably it, yeah,
come to think of it.

-- Oh!

I heard he was back.

Oh, my word, look at him.

You can feel the charisma
from over here.

-- I can't. -- I'm with you, Mike.
Getting nothing here.

-- Makes me feel we've been
in 2D black and white

all the time he's been away.

-- You're talking about him
like he's Jesus come back.

-- But he isn't. I would know.

-- He's Jesus plus.

He's what you get
if you splice Jesus with Clarkson

and that thin, twinkly cunt
who plays Loki.

-- BAG THUNKS
Woo-ooh!

-- Ellen.

As gorgeous as ever.

-- CM, long time no...

..you know. -- Mm.

-- THEY GIGGLE

-- So I heard you ended up
as a city trader, Mike?

-- Oh, yeah, late '80s.

Wild.

But it wasn't me. I felt owned
by the markets 24/7.

So, one day, I just quit
and entered the Paris-Dakar rally.

-- I can never fathom
why they end it there.

Grim place.

-- You might be thinking of Dachau,
Geoff.

-- Oh, fuck, yes. Sorry.
Go on, Mike.

-- Anyway, I never made it
out of Paris,

cos I fell in love with the girl

waving the flag
on the starting line.

One year and an annulment later,
I find myself out on me arse

in Montmartre,
so I open an expat bar.

Mike's Place.

-- Clever. -- Yeah, wow.

-- Bummed around the Silk Road,
dealt in Turkish rugs for a bit.

-- Love the Silk Road.

I travelled the full length twice.

Xi'an to Constantinople and back.

-- I think you mean Istanbul, chum.

-- It was Constantinople
when the Silk Road was running.

I like to respect
the historical context.

-- Oh, I ran a hostel in Kathmandu,

moved to Oz,
where I spent the last of my cash

financing
my girlfriend's short film,

but she was on marching powder
so I got my marching orders.

So, Bob's your wossname, here I am.

So what about you?

-- Very similar vibe actually, Mike.

Er, you probably picked up,
I'm a fellow nomad.

I imported electric bikes
into Uruguay for a while.

-- Not you, sweetheart.

Him. -- Sorry. Me?

-- Yeah, quiet ones are always
more interesting than the peacocks.

The floor's yours, Stevo.

-- OK, er, potted version.

I was born...

No, I'm boring myself already.

-- Off the sauce,
there's a story right there.

Let me guess.

A wild man...

..but he doesn't know it.

A lion masquerading as a pussycat.

You've lived the life others
wanted for you,

not the one you wanted for yourself

and, because of that,
you've poured your anger into drink

when you should have shot it
out into the world.

But it's not too late.

-- Do you hear that, Stephen?
It's never too late.

Like with your maths GCSE.

-- Yeah, it's funny.

I can see Ellen in you
but not Laurie.

He was a strong character,
wasn't he? Most popular guy in town.

Formidable, took shit from no-one.

-- That was him.

Ah, well, there we are.

I'm not Laurie and Laurie's not me.

-- Terry, you old badger-fucker.

How many badgers have you fucked?

You fuck badgers up the bum.

-- Fuck me.
How long have you been there?

-- Only a second.
I just needed a moment to recover.

Wasn't expecting a snub
from Charismatic Mike.

I really thought we connected.

-- I was taking a moment too.

All that stuff
about how strong Laurie was,

how he didn't take shit from anyone.

Whereas I'm a wholesale
shit importer.

Of course I'm not his son - it's
always been screamingly obvious.

-- I know this Laurie business
has been tough.

-- Balls! You love it.

The one thing I had over you
was a blood connection to Laurie

and now that's gone.

It's all I ever really wanted
and it's gone.

-- But you and Charismatic Mike
had a weird sort of bond just then.

He seemed to know you.

I mean, it's not beyond
the realms of possibility, is it?

-- Is what?

-- He was on that list
of Ellen's former lovers.

Mike Dewar.

-- Was he? -- Pretty sure he was.

-- What are you trying to do?

-- I'm trying to help.

-- By implying he might be my dad?

Don't be ridiculous,
I'm not Charismatic Stephen.

I couldn't run "Steve's Place" -

I tried to run a pub
and it burned down.

-- Maybe because you didn't have
the right father figure.

-- Stop fucking with me.

-- I'm not fucking with you.
It's just...

..I never spent enough time
with my real mother,

and that's the root
of who I am today.

-- OK, I actually do need a poo now.

Would you mind?

Mum. -- Yes, she did sleep with Mike.

-- Charismatic Mike.

-- Is he potentially my father?

-- Don't get into this, Stephen.

It's best to let the past
stay in the past.

-- Right that that's what's
written on the cenotaph, isn't it?

-- Look, I suppose that,
working backwards from your birth,

that, yes,
Mike does fit the timeframe.

Well, him and Laurie.

I was still sleeping with Laurie.

-- And Cheeky Pete.

-- Oh, yes.

Oh, I had a thing at the time
for bad boys.

But Cheeky Pete
really was a very bad boy.

-- He attacked 40 sheep with a machete.

-- Oh, that is well cheeky.

-- So my dad is potentially
a charmless publican,

a lovable charlatan
or-or a sheep murder?

-- Murderer/maimer.

In a more controlled environment,

he'd have just been
a family butcher.

-- But is it likely to be Mike,
do you think, love?

You're very different.

-- Maybe I can be someone else,
like Charismatic Mike said.

Maybe I'm not tied to this family,

destined to be
a disappointing copy of Laurie.

This could be the most liberating
thing that's happened to me.

-- Then how are you
going to find out for sure?

All you've got
are my vague sex memories.

-- Don't worry, leave it to Geoff.

Me. I'm speaking in the third person
to add a bit of pizazz.

-- Hi. -- Sorry, I'm in a hurry,
so I've already ordered for me,

but I wasn't sure what would have
been on today's menu

at the Wellness Centre.

Are you still trying to match that?

-- No, no. I mean, today would
have been lasagne.

Wednesday lasagne day,
but I'm not bothered.

-- What can I get you?

-- I'll have the lasagne.

-- Coming up.

-- So I've got to be
back at the office at two.

Look, part of the reason
I wanted to see you, actually,

is I was wondering... -- I think
I might have just met my dad.

-- Are you OK, Stephen?

Are you having visions of Laurie?

-- Not Laurie, Mike.

-- Mike's the same age as you.

-- Charismatic Mike.

-- Mike? Charismatic? I can't even
remember if he has a moustache.

-- This is an entirely separate Mike
who Mum slept with.

He's one of the candidates
to be my dad.

Him, Laurie, and a bloke called
Cheeky Pete who stabbed livestock.

-- He stabbed livestock?

-- It was a different era.

So, say I wanted to get
a paternity test...

-- Well, we do them a lot at work.

DNA from sweat, saliva, blood, hair.

Send them off to commercial
forensics, results back in 72 hours.

But think carefully -

this isn't Andrew playing
with your brain again, is it?

-- Whatever Andrew's doing or not
doing, I need to know who my dad is.

-- So, there are three potential dads?

-- Yes, it's... It's like Mamma Mia.

I've only seen the trailer
for the first one,

but I think I get the gist.

Alison's organising a DNA paternity
test to unmask the father.

The lucky father.

-- Already on it, Stevo.

I'm off to exhume Laurie.

-- With a JCB?

-- Yeah, it's not a JCB.

-- Whatever the fuck it is.

You want to exhume Laurie with
a mechanical digger?

-- I'm not digging him
up with a spade, am I?

With my piles,
they'd pop like bubble wrap.

-- You can't just
drive into a graveyard

and start digging up bodies!

You need permission.

-- Easier to seek forgiveness
than permission.

I've done a reccy and I might knock
over a few headstones around Laurie,

but they all died in the '50s,

so I don't think they get
many visitors.

Just tramps in search
of a moonlight crap.

-- Jeff, you are not digging up a man
who may have been my father,

but definitely was your brother.

His toothbrush is
still in the bathroom cabinet.

We can use DNA from that.

-- Amazing. Like Jurassic Park.

You could have a theme park with
thousands of clones

of your dad running everywhere.

-- That would be terrifying.

-- But fucking cool.

MUFFLED CHATTER

-- OK, shall... Shall I ask him
for some DNA?

Is it a bit weird to go
straight in on that?

A bit sexual?

-- He might think you want
maintenance from years ago.

He could go all fathers for justice

and climb on a flat roof pub
dressed as Ironman.

-- So we steal some DNA.

What's a good source?

-- Pull a hair out. -- One hair?

-- Or a handful? I could pretend
I slipped and was bracing my fall.

-- No.

-- Accidental glassing -
swab some blood.

-- Great idea! And then when
you're in prison,

you can get a sample off
Cheeky Pete, too.

-- Well, we need to do something.

I'm invested in this.

I need to know if you're
my blood nephew or not.

-- Why?

-- Because you went bonkers, Stephen.

Round the bend and up the pictures.

I want to know if it's genetic.

-- Looking to swipe some DNA?

-- Under control, thanks.

-- Well, I've already got
a sample if that's a help.

-- What, you just happen to take
the DNA of your punters?

-- Not all of them. Just Mike.

Sorry, Mike, not you -
Charismatic Mike.

-- Oh, look, fuck's sake!

How about you call me
Mike the Barman and him just Mike.

Or me Mike, and him
Mike Not-the-Barman, yeah?

Can we not differentiate
on charisma?

-- Sorry, Mike, what were you saying?

I zoned out for a minute there.

-- Anyway, the DNA's here
if you want it.

-- Stevo!

Terry is throwing me
a welcome back party

and we've got some great
guys coming.

We got Worzel, Single Malt,
Barry the Fucker, Pritt Stick Betty,

but it would be nice
to have a fresh face.

-- Thanks, I'd love to.

-- You know, you remind me
so much of me.

I used to be scared about what
people thought of me,

but then I realised that
the greatest superpower is

to never be embarrassed.

Then you can fly!

You only get one shot at life,
so don't hide from it.

Luxuriate in it.

All right, son?

-- All right, D... Mike.

-- KNOCK AT DOOR

-- Just thought I'd drop
this off for the DNA test.

Couple of hairs
from Charismatic Mike -

from the shoulder of his jacket.

-- Why are you doing this?

-- To help.

-- To help Stephen into
another breakdown?

Or is this about Charismatic Mike?

-- Hot new enigma in town
stealing your thunder?

-- You want to bring him down by
giving him Stephen as a son.

-- Why would Stephen being his son
bring him down?

-- It wouldn't. Exactly.

My point entirely.

-- I'm a different person now.

I played mind games

because it was just second nature
to me for so long.

-- Right.

-- When you're alone in the world,
you build up layers of defence.

You try to be who people
want you to be

because you're afraid they'll
hate the real you.

When I first arrived, the last thing
I wanted to do was hurt Stephen.

But I fear I did through my own
insecurity and I'm truly sorry.

-- Can I get anyone teas or coffees?
Or teas?

I said teas. Coffees?

-- You already asked me half an hour
ago, Cass, and I said tea.

-- Oh, shit! Sorry. Uh, and sorry
for saying shit. Andrew?

-- I'm fine, thanks.

Why are you here?

-- Work experience. -- Temping.

I always thought I'd make
a great solicitor.

Stand up for the underdog.

If a guy's just selling a bit of
weed, leave him alone, copper.

If another guy steals
a loaf of bread,

don't hang him, give him
some Dairylea.

-- They don't hang people any more.

-- Or do they still, in a way?

-- No.

How are you getting on with
the filing, Cass?

-- Great. Colour coded, yes?

-- Alphabetical.

-- That's what I meant. Brilliant.

-- PHONE RINGS

Ugh, parents.

What, with them and Stephen,

I feel like a full-time
carer at the moment.

-- I'll leave you to it.

-- Hi. Oh, hi, Dad.

Yes. Again?

Well, no, no-one really
has aerials any more.

I really think you should
think about getting a smart TV.

You know, you can connect
via the internet.

No, it's not the same
as smart water.

-- Hey.

-- Why are you here?

-- I was invited.

-- Shit.

Has Mike asked everyone
to his welcome back party?

I thought it was an exclusive thing.
--MUFFLED GUITAR PLAYS

-- I think you should get
a diving watch. -- What?

-- The shirt looks good.
I think you could expand the look.

-- I haven't got a look, I just
dressed in a hurry.

-- Sure.

-- Don't "sure" me, "sure" yourself.

-- Right.
--COWS MOO

THEY PLAY IRISH FOLK MUSIC

CHEERING

-- How come he's got so many friends?

I've never had a house party with
this many people.

-- Yo, welcome.

I once partied 86 hours
straight in Bali.

I used an adrenaline pen to get me
through the last 90 minutes.

Let's see if we can beat that
record. Have a drink.

I call it a Stevo special.

Orange and passion fruit J2O,
but with gin and vermouth.

MIKE CHUCKLES
--I don't drink, Mike.

I was very reliant on alcohol
and now I've stopped drinking.

-- Andy, tell him.

Life is for living -
you're a long time dead.

-- He really doesn't want it, Mike.

-- Well, fuck you both, then.

-- Do I want to be his son?

Inspirational platitudes
and the use of

emergency pharmaceuticals
to prolong drinking.

But, uh, I don't want
to be Laurie's,

because that means I'm destined
to be a disappointment.

-- Cheeky Pete, then.

-- Seems the best option.
I've never liked sheep.

Fuck, I don't know
what I think any more.

Is this what you wanted? For me
to feel even more adrift?

-- I'm just trying to help you.

-- Shall we go
and dig up Laurie anyway?

I'm morbidly interested in
what's left of him.

Who can hot-wire a JCB?

OK, I've not got long.

I can't fix it myself,
but I can call a man.

Oh, it's working?

-- He already came.

-- Who? -- The man you sent.

-- Yeah, he's like an angel.

-- What are you doing here?

-- The aerial just needed
repositioning.

-- You listened in on my phone call?

-- Sorry, I was in the room
and I couldn't help overhearing,

and you said that you felt like a
carer so I was just trying to help.

Apologies if I overstepped the mark.

-- No, I guess... No, it's fine.
Thanks.

-- Yes, Andrew's fixed it for now,
and he's ordered us a new TV.

-- We can connect via the internet.

So we don't need to
bother about the aerial.

-- Come on, Phil, let's bleed those
rads and I'll change the time

on the oven for you. -- Oh!

-- Oh, why is it that the clocks
have to go back and forward

all the bloody time? -- I know.
--It's ridiculous.

-- Nightmare.

You get back to work. I've got this.

-- OK. And thanks.

It's a big help.

-- That's what I'm trying to do now.

Pint of Old Dreadful, please,
Janny J Jan Jan.

-- Coming at you, Mikey Crikey.
--THEY CHUCKLE

Stephen it's in.

Do you want to go somewhere private?

-- I should hear at the same time.
This affects me as much as him.

-- No, it doesn't.

-- Yes, it does. I might be about to
discover that I'm an only child.

-- Shouldn't you be back at the office?

-- Alison fired me.

-- You weren't exactly employed, Cass.

-- Yo, Stevo!

What you got there, then?
You look nervous.

Let me guess, library fines?

-- Could be.
MIKE CHUCKLES

Definitely not a DNA test.

-- Hmm, been a naughty boy,
then, Stevo?

-- Damn, he's sharp.

-- No, s-someone else has.

Well, not naughty, necessarily
- sexual.

-- Well, word of advice to your friend
and I say the same to you -

get a vasectomy.

I knew I never wanted
to be tied down.

I got one when I was 18
and I always wondered

if I would change my mind
and never did.

I am 18 in my head
and I always will be.

I am Mike, not Dad.

-- Well, that's Mike out
of the picture.

The moment of truth.
Laurie or Cheeky Pete.

-- I heard the results are in.

-- You sound like you're going to add,

"And the phone lines
are now closed."

-- Yes, but it is exciting,
finding out who your father is.

-- Oh, come on, Stephen, open it.

-- STEPHEN SIGHS

-- If it's all the same,
I-I'd rather be Schrodinger's son.

-- Is that Cheeky Pete's surname?

-- Oh, Stephen!

-- There, all done.

It can remain a mystery.

-- They usually send it by email
as well, don't they?

-- Shit, course they do.

-- It's Laurie.

You're Laurie's son.

You're a Nichols.

-- There you go, Stephen.

The blood connection to Laurie.

What you wanted.

You've got the one thing
that you wanted.

-- Yes.

Yes, I got the one thing I wanted.

I... I'm Laurie's son, forever.

-- I hope I was able to
help in some way.

That's what I try to do now.

I help.

-- MUSIC: Son Of My Father
by Chicory Tip

# Son of my father

# Moulded, I was folded,
I was free from drive

# Son of my father

# Commanded, I was branded
in a plastic bag

# Surrounded and confounded
by statistic facts. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media