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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,950
This programme contains
very strong language
2
00:00:04,970 --> 00:00:06,380
I live here too, Stephen.
3
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,790
So you do. Thanks for the update.
4
00:00:08,810 --> 00:00:11,460
You just seem to take over
the whole room.
5
00:00:12,970 --> 00:00:15,670
L-l'm eating a muffin
off a small plate.
6
00:00:15,690 --> 00:00:19,540
It's not like I've got a hog
on a spit and a barrel of mead.
7
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:20,820
I feel restricted.
8
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:22,340
I feel like a caged bird.
9
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,460
There's just too much, you know,
"grrrr" in this house now.
10
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:26,740
"Grrrr"?
11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,060
"Grrrr," you know?
Competing energy.
12
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:31,030
You and Mum and Julian.
13
00:00:31,050 --> 00:00:35,390
I'm in the bedroom next to them and
I can hear them at it relentlessly.
14
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,790
There's a lot of heavy sex energy.
15
00:00:36,810 --> 00:00:38,540
I'd rather not think about that.
16
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,700
Are you intimidated by the idea
of an older woman enjoying sex?
17
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,150
Yes.
18
00:00:43,170 --> 00:00:47,100
I never used to hear Mum
and my dad at it in the same way.
19
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,150
Sorry, Mum and YOUR dad?
20
00:00:49,170 --> 00:00:52,310
Well, it's just not being sure
if you're Laurie's son or not.
21
00:00:52,330 --> 00:00:54,950
That was one of the things that,
you know, sent you a bit...
22
00:00:54,970 --> 00:00:56,820
...mad as a boiled chimp? Sure.
23
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,230
You just don't really
need to point it out.
24
00:01:00,970 --> 00:01:03,460
Sorry we're late up.
25
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,900
I appreciate your heavy sex energy,
Mum, it's empowering.
26
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,230
But it's making me
want to find a job and move out.
27
00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:11,750
Sorry, body of Christ.
28
00:01:14,690 --> 00:01:16,700
I'm off too.
29
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,420
Not to find a job
or somewhere else to live,
30
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,750
although I probably
should at some point.
31
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,590
L-l left a pause there for you
to say, "No, no,
32
00:01:26,610 --> 00:01:29,790
"stay in the family home as long
as you like, member of the family."
33
00:01:29,810 --> 00:01:32,670
Oh, whatever you do,
you have my full support.
34
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:34,900
Thanks.
35
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,510
That means absolutely nothing.
36
00:01:50,050 --> 00:01:51,150
New snacks?
37
00:01:51,170 --> 00:01:53,590
Johnnies, tampons
and Anadin for the vends.
38
00:01:53,610 --> 00:01:54,980
Cheers, mate, see you next month.
39
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,820
Right you are. Be lucky, guys.
40
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,510
Will do. Double sixes every time.
41
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:05,060
Sorry, I was miming shaking dice,
not implying you're a wanker.
42
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,510
Not seen you for a few days,
Stephen.
43
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,510
Did all the business
with puh-ub get to you?
44
00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:14,060
I guess a little bit, you know.
45
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,900
And Julian being at home
is a bit odd.
46
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,140
Our stepfather who art in Ellen.
47
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,980
Sorry, Stephen, that's crude.
48
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,980
Anything new happening here?
49
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,230
Oh, yes. Yeah, there is, as it goes.
50
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,780
They say rules are there
to be broken.
51
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,830
Well, bull -
if the ladies will excuse me - shit.
52
00:02:38,850 --> 00:02:41,390
Rules are there
to be wilfully ignored.
53
00:02:41,410 --> 00:02:43,750
"Excuse me, Mike,
you've broken the law."
54
00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:46,750
Well, sorry, chum, I don't even
acknowledge its existence.
55
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,980
I'm not sure you can prove that,
Geoff.
56
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:03,230
This is Stephen,
he's Ellen's son.
57
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:05,260
What? The lovely Ellen.
58
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,700
So you're Laurie Nichols' boy?
59
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,550
His surname certainly is Nichols,
yes.
60
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:12,590
Eh! What's your poison, Steve?
61
00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:14,870
Oh, l'lljust have a water.
62
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,870
It's midday and I am celebrating.
63
00:03:16,890 --> 00:03:19,260
You can't have a water.
64
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:22,910
Jan, get Stevo whatever he wants,
as long as it's not water,
65
00:03:22,930 --> 00:03:24,390
and have one for yourself.
66
00:03:30,260 --> 00:03:32,770
Thank you.
That belonged to Salman Rushdie.
67
00:03:32,790 --> 00:03:34,580
Shit at poker.
68
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,260
I'll have an orange
and passion fruit J20 please, Jan.
69
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,580
Who's the guy with
the confidence surplus?
70
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,210
Don't think I've ever seen anyone
71
00:03:43,230 --> 00:03:45,540
man-spread across
a whole room before.
72
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,260
He's called "Charismatic Mike".
73
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,180
Right. Thanks for clarifying.
74
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,490
Thanks.
75
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,820
Yeah, I know.
76
00:04:06,430 --> 00:04:07,660
Sounds dangerous.
77
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,180
Those were the days.
78
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,130
And now he's back
and everyone's delighted.
79
00:04:13,150 --> 00:04:15,130
A one-man Mardi Gras.
80
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,100
Charisma?
81
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,940
0h!
82
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,850
I heard he was back.
83
00:04:26,870 --> 00:04:28,940
Oh, my word, look at him.
84
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,300
You can feel the charisma
from over here.
85
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,940
I can't.
86
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,410
Makes me feel we've been
in 2D black and white
87
00:04:36,430 --> 00:04:37,980
all the time he's been away.
88
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,380
You're talking about him
like he's Jesus come back.
89
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,330
He's Jesus plus.
90
00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:48,020
He's what you get
if you splice Jesus with Clarkson
91
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,900
and that thin, twinkly cunt
who plays Loki.
92
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,210
BAG THUNKS
Woo-ooh!
93
00:04:53,230 --> 00:04:54,620
Ellen.
94
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,300
As gorgeous as ever.
95
00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,770
CM, long time no...
96
00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:03,100
...you know. Mm.
97
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:04,340
THEY GIGGLE
98
00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:15,850
Oh, yeah, late '80s.
99
00:05:15,870 --> 00:05:17,130
Wild.
100
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:21,740
But it wasn't me. I felt owned
by the markets 24/7.
101
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:26,130
So, one day, I just quit
and entered the Paris-Dakar rally.
102
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,260
You might be thinking of Dachau,
Geoff.
103
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,210
Anyway, I never made it
out of Paris,
104
00:05:37,230 --> 00:05:38,900
cos I fell in love with the girl
105
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,260
waving the flag
on the starting line.
106
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:45,060
One year and an annulment later,
I find myself out on rne arse
107
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,100
in Montmartre,
so I open an expat bar.
108
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,210
Mike's Place.
109
00:05:49,230 --> 00:05:51,210
Yeah, wow.
110
00:05:51,230 --> 00:05:54,180
Bummed around the Silk Road,
dealt in Turkish rugs for a bit.
111
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,460
Love the Silk Road.
112
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,460
I travelled the full length twice.
113
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,740
Xi'an to Constantinople and back.
114
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,740
I think you mean Istanbul, chum.
115
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,100
It was Constantinople
when the Silk Road was running.
116
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:05,820
I like to respect
the historical context.
117
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,130
Oh, I ran a hostel in Kathmandu,
118
00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:10,760
moved to Oz,
where I spent the last of my cash
119
00:06:10,780 --> 00:06:13,120
financing
my girlfriend's short film,
120
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,040
but she was on marching powder
so I got my marching orders.
121
00:06:16,060 --> 00:06:18,510
So, Bob's your wossname, here I am.
122
00:06:18,530 --> 00:06:19,870
So what about you?
123
00:06:19,890 --> 00:06:21,560
Very similar vibe actually, Mike.
124
00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:23,920
Er, you probably picked up,
I'm a fellow nomad.
125
00:06:23,940 --> 00:06:26,230
I imported electric bikes
into Uruguay for a while.
126
00:06:26,250 --> 00:06:27,590
Not you, sweetheart.
127
00:06:27,610 --> 00:06:30,200
Him. Sorry. Me?
128
00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:34,150
Yeah, quiet ones are always
more interesting than the peacocks.
129
00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:35,840
The floor's yours, Stevo.
130
00:06:37,250 --> 00:06:39,950
OK, er, potted version.
131
00:06:39,970 --> 00:06:41,560
I was born...
132
00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:44,120
No, I'm boring myself already.
133
00:06:44,140 --> 00:06:47,230
Off the sauce,
there's a story right there.
134
00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:48,360
Let me guess.
135
00:06:50,970 --> 00:06:52,560
A wild man...
136
00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:55,080
...but he doesn't know it.
137
00:06:56,380 --> 00:06:59,080
A lion masquerading as a pussycat.
138
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:01,950
You've lived the life others
wanted for you,
139
00:07:01,970 --> 00:07:03,480
not the one you wanted for yourself
140
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:07,080
and, because of that,
you've poured your anger into drink
141
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:11,000
when you should have shot it
out into the world.
142
00:07:11,020 --> 00:07:12,510
But it's not too late.
143
00:07:12,530 --> 00:07:16,410
Do you hear that, Stephen?
It's never too late.
144
00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:18,360
Like with your maths GCSE.
145
00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:19,640
Yeah, it's funny.
146
00:07:19,660 --> 00:07:22,440
I can see Ellen in you
but not Laurie.
147
00:07:22,460 --> 00:07:25,840
He was a strong character,
wasn't he? Most popular guy in town.
148
00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:28,770
Formidable, took shit from no-one.
149
00:07:28,790 --> 00:07:30,080
That was him.
150
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:31,480
Ah, well, there we are.
151
00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:34,800
I'm not Laurie and Laurie's not me.
152
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:37,640
Terry, you old badger-fucker.
153
00:07:37,660 --> 00:07:39,920
How many badgers have you fucked?
154
00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:41,770
You fuck badgers up the bum.
155
00:07:54,820 --> 00:07:57,160
Fuck me.
How long have you been there?
156
00:07:57,180 --> 00:07:59,200
Only a second.
I just needed a moment to recover.
157
00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:01,520
Wasn't expecting a snub
from Charismatic Mike.
158
00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:03,160
I really thought we connected.
159
00:08:03,180 --> 00:08:05,200
I was taking a moment too.
160
00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:08,000
All that stuff
about how strong Laurie was,
161
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:10,560
how he didn't take shit from anyone.
162
00:08:10,580 --> 00:08:13,670
Whereas I'm a wholesale
shit importer.
163
00:08:13,690 --> 00:08:17,490
Of course I'm not his son - it's
always been screamingly obvious.
164
00:08:17,510 --> 00:08:20,000
I know this Laurie business
has been tough.
165
00:08:20,020 --> 00:08:21,770
Balls! You love it.
166
00:08:21,790 --> 00:08:24,310
The one thing I had over you
was a blood connection to Laurie
167
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:26,280
and now that's gone.
168
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:28,670
It's all I ever really wanted
and it's gone.
169
00:08:28,690 --> 00:08:32,200
But you and Charismatic Mike
had a weird sort of bond just then.
170
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,440
He seemed to know you.
171
00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:36,640
I mean, it's not beyond
the realms of possibility, is it?
172
00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:37,720
Is what?
173
00:08:37,740 --> 00:08:40,160
He was on that list
of Ellen's former lovers.
174
00:08:40,180 --> 00:08:41,360
Mike Dewar.
175
00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:43,800
Was he? Pretty sure he was.
176
00:08:43,820 --> 00:08:45,240
What are you trying to do?
177
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:46,520
I'm trying to help.
178
00:08:46,540 --> 00:08:48,560
By implying he might be my dad?
179
00:08:48,580 --> 00:08:51,800
Don't be ridiculous,
I'm not Charismatic Stephen.
180
00:08:51,820 --> 00:08:53,360
I couldn't run "Steve's Place" -
181
00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:55,950
I tried to run a pub
and it burned down.
182
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:58,280
Maybe because you didn't have
the right father figure.
183
00:08:58,300 --> 00:08:59,850
Stop fucking with me.
184
00:08:59,870 --> 00:09:02,310
I'm not fucking with you.
It's just...
185
00:09:03,770 --> 00:09:07,210
...l never spent enough time
with my real mother,
186
00:09:07,230 --> 00:09:08,960
and that's the root
of who I am today.
187
00:09:12,230 --> 00:09:14,720
OK, I actually do need a poo now.
188
00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:16,080
Would you mind?
189
00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:22,560
Mum.
190
00:09:23,870 --> 00:09:25,720
Charismatic Mike.
191
00:09:25,740 --> 00:09:28,160
Is he potentially my father?
192
00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:29,880
Don't get into this, Stephen.
193
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,850
It's best to let the past
stay in the past.
194
00:09:31,870 --> 00:09:35,000
Right, that's what's
written on the cenotaph, isn't it?
195
00:09:35,020 --> 00:09:39,640
Look, I suppose that,
working backwards from your birth,
196
00:09:39,660 --> 00:09:42,320
that, yes,
Mike does fit the timeframe.
197
00:09:42,340 --> 00:09:43,960
Well, him and Laurie.
198
00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:45,600
I was still sleeping with Laurie.
199
00:09:46,980 --> 00:09:48,280
Oh, yes.
200
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,240
Oh, I had a thing at the time
for bad boys.
201
00:09:51,510 --> 00:09:53,800
But Cheeky Pete
really was a very bad boy.
202
00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:58,030
Oh, that is well cheeky.
203
00:09:58,050 --> 00:10:01,080
So my dad is potentially
a charmless publican,
204
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:04,280
a lovable charlatan
or-or a sheep murder?
205
00:10:09,340 --> 00:10:13,040
But is it likely to be Mike,
do you think, love?
206
00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:14,640
You're very different.
207
00:10:14,660 --> 00:10:17,850
Maybe I can be someone else,
like Charismatic Mike said.
208
00:10:17,870 --> 00:10:20,160
Maybe I'm not tied to this family,
209
00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:22,740
destined to be
a disappointing copy of Laurie.
210
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,490
This could be the most liberating
thing that's happened to me.
211
00:10:25,510 --> 00:10:28,180
Then how are you
going to find out for sure?
212
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,380
All you've got
are my vague sex memories.
213
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,550
Hi. Sorry, I'm in a hurry,
so I've already ordered for me,
214
00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:54,860
but I wasn't sure what would have
been on today's menu
215
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:55,940
at the Wellness Centre.
216
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,830
Are you still trying to match that?
217
00:10:57,850 --> 00:11:00,420
No, no. I mean, today would
have been lasagne.
218
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,270
Wednesday lasagne day,
but I'm not bothered.
219
00:11:03,290 --> 00:11:04,300
What can I get you?
220
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,630
I'll have the lasagne.
221
00:11:05,650 --> 00:11:07,020
Comirlg UP-
222
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,940
So I've got to be
back at the office at two.
223
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,340
Look, part of the reason
I wanted to see you, actually,
224
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,860
is I was wondering... I think
I might have just met my dad.
225
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,630
Are you OK, Stephen?
226
00:11:17,650 --> 00:11:19,020
Are you having visions of Laurie?
227
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,470
Not Laurie, Mike.
228
00:11:20,490 --> 00:11:21,990
Mike's the same age as you.
229
00:11:22,010 --> 00:11:23,280
Charismatic Mike.
230
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:27,840
Mike? Charismatic? I can't even
remember if he has a moustache.
231
00:11:27,860 --> 00:11:30,960
This is an entirely separate Mike
who Mum slept with.
232
00:11:30,980 --> 00:11:32,760
He's one of the candidates
to be my dad.
233
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:37,450
Him, Laurie, and a bloke called
Cheeky Pete who stabbed livestock.
234
00:11:37,470 --> 00:11:38,920
He stabbed livestock?
235
00:11:38,940 --> 00:11:40,810
It was a different era.
236
00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:43,120
So, say I wanted to get
a paternity test...
237
00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:44,890
Well, we do them a lot at work.
238
00:11:44,910 --> 00:11:48,120
DNA from sweat, saliva, blood, hair.
239
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:52,000
Send them off to commercial
forensics, results back in 72 hours.
240
00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:53,200
But think carefully -
241
00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:56,170
this isn't Andrew playing
with your brain again, is it?
242
00:11:56,190 --> 00:12:00,480
Whatever Andrew's doing or not
doing, I need to know who my dad is.
243
00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:04,280
So, there are three potential dads?
244
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:06,610
Yes, it's... It's like Mamma Mia.
245
00:12:06,630 --> 00:12:08,480
I've only seen the trailer
for the first one,
246
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:09,720
but I think I get the gist.
247
00:12:23,740 --> 00:12:27,450
Alison's organising a DNA paternity
test to unmask the father.
248
00:12:28,910 --> 00:12:30,000
The lucky father.
249
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:31,450
Already on it, Stevo.
250
00:12:31,470 --> 00:12:33,000
I'm off to exhume Laurie.
251
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,360
With a JCB?
252
00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:35,720
Yeah, it's not a JCB.
253
00:12:35,740 --> 00:12:36,970
Whatever the fuck it is.
254
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:39,720
You want to exhume Laurie with
a mechanical digger?
255
00:12:39,740 --> 00:12:42,080
I'm not digging him
up with a spade, am I?
256
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:44,480
With my piles,
they'd pop like bubble wrap.
257
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,450
You can't just
drive into a graveyard
258
00:12:46,470 --> 00:12:48,200
and start digging up bodies!
259
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:49,360
You need permission.
260
00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:52,050
Easier to seek forgiveness
than permission.
261
00:12:52,070 --> 00:12:55,480
I've done a reccy and I might knock
over a few headstones around Laurie,
262
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:57,050
but they all died in the '50s,
263
00:12:57,070 --> 00:12:59,400
so I don't think they get
many visitors.
264
00:12:59,420 --> 00:13:01,760
Just tramps in search
of a moonlight crap.
265
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:04,890
Jeff, you are not digging up a man
who may have been my father,
266
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:07,200
but definitely was your brother.
267
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,560
His toothbrush is
still in the bathroom cabinet.
268
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:11,530
We can use DNA from that.
269
00:13:11,550 --> 00:13:13,890
Amazing. Like Jurassic Park.
270
00:13:13,910 --> 00:13:16,530
You could have a theme park with
thousands of clones
271
00:13:16,550 --> 00:13:18,410
of your dad running everywhere.
272
00:13:18,430 --> 00:13:19,840
That would be terrifying.
273
00:13:19,860 --> 00:13:21,050
But fucking cool.
274
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,080
MUFFLED CHATTER
275
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:36,050
OK, shall... Shall I ask him
for some DNA?
276
00:13:36,070 --> 00:13:38,840
Is it a bit weird to go
straight in on that?
277
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:40,640
A bit sexual?
278
00:13:40,660 --> 00:13:42,970
He might think you want
maintenance from years ago.
279
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:44,610
He could go all fathers for justice
280
00:13:44,630 --> 00:13:47,170
and climb on a flat roof pub
dressed as lronman.
281
00:13:47,190 --> 00:13:49,080
So we steal some DNA.
282
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:50,440
What's a good source?
283
00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:52,280
Pull a hair out. One hair?
284
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:56,160
Or a handful? I could pretend
I slipped and was bracing my fall.
285
00:13:56,180 --> 00:13:57,690
No.
286
00:13:57,710 --> 00:14:00,050
Accidental glassing -
swab some blood.
287
00:14:00,070 --> 00:14:01,770
Great idea! And then when
you're in prison,
288
00:14:01,790 --> 00:14:04,080
you can get a sample off
Cheeky Pete, too.
289
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,690
Well, we need to do something.
290
00:14:05,710 --> 00:14:07,360
I'm invested in this.
291
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,920
I need to know if you're
my blood nephew or not.
292
00:14:09,940 --> 00:14:10,970
Why?
293
00:14:10,990 --> 00:14:13,250
Because you went bonkers, Stephen.
294
00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:14,720
Round the bend and up the pictures.
295
00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:16,250
I want to know if it's genetic.
296
00:14:16,270 --> 00:14:17,720
Looking to swipe some DNA?
297
00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:19,330
Under control, thanks.
298
00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:22,360
Well, I've already got
a sample if that's a help.
299
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:25,200
What, you just happen to take
the DNA of your punters?
300
00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:27,080
Not all of them. just Mike.
301
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,970
Sorry, Mike, not you -
Charismatic Mike.
302
00:14:43,020 --> 00:14:44,560
Sorry, Mike, what were you saying?
303
00:14:44,580 --> 00:14:46,130
I zoned out for a minute there.
304
00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:47,920
Anyway, the DNA's here
if you want it.
305
00:14:59,460 --> 00:15:01,000
Thanks, I'd love to.
306
00:15:20,350 --> 00:15:22,560
All right, D... Mike.
307
00:15:30,150 --> 00:15:31,690
KNOCK AT DOOR
308
00:15:31,710 --> 00:15:33,610
Just thought I'd drop
this off for the DNA test.
309
00:15:33,630 --> 00:15:36,160
Couple of hairs
from Charismatic Mike -
310
00:15:36,180 --> 00:15:38,770
from the shoulder of his jacket.
311
00:15:38,790 --> 00:15:40,570
Why are you doing this?
312
00:15:40,590 --> 00:15:41,720
To help.
313
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:44,050
To help Stephen into
another breakdown?
314
00:15:44,070 --> 00:15:46,360
Or is this about Charismatic Mike?
315
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:49,250
Hot new enigma in town
stealing your thunder?
316
00:15:49,270 --> 00:15:52,720
You want to bring him down by
giving him Stephen as a son.
317
00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:55,160
Why would Stephen being his son
bring him down?
318
00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:59,490
It wouldn't. Exactly.
319
00:15:59,510 --> 00:16:00,850
My point entirely.
320
00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:04,720
I'm a different person now.
321
00:16:04,740 --> 00:16:05,770
I played mind games
322
00:16:05,790 --> 00:16:08,520
because it was just second nature
to me for so long.
323
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:09,570
Right.
324
00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:14,280
When you're alone in the world,
you build up layers of defence.
325
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,000
You try to be who people
want you to be
326
00:16:17,020 --> 00:16:20,360
because you're afraid they'll
hate the real you.
327
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:25,130
When I first arrived, the last thing
I wanted to do was hurt Stephen.
328
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:30,330
But I fear I did through my own
insecurity and I'm truly sorry.
329
00:16:31,710 --> 00:16:34,330
Can I get anyone teas or coffees?
Or teas?
330
00:16:34,350 --> 00:16:36,410
I said teas. Coffees?
331
00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:39,610
You already asked me half an hour
ago, Cass, and I said tea.
332
00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:42,640
Oh, shit! Sorry. Uh, and sorry
for saying shit. Andrew?
333
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:44,360
I'm fine, thanks.
334
00:16:44,380 --> 00:16:45,640
Why are you here?
335
00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:47,050
Work experience. Temping.
336
00:16:47,070 --> 00:16:49,360
I always thought I'd make
a great solicitor.
337
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:51,240
Stand up for the underdog.
338
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:54,930
If a guy's just selling a bit of
weed, leave him alone, copper.
339
00:16:54,950 --> 00:16:57,330
If another guy steals
a loaf of bread,
340
00:16:57,350 --> 00:17:00,240
don't hang him, give him
some Dairylea.
341
00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:02,160
They don't hang people any more.
342
00:17:02,180 --> 00:17:04,130
Or do they still, in a way?
343
00:17:04,150 --> 00:17:05,770
No.
344
00:17:05,790 --> 00:17:08,080
How are you getting on with
the filing, Cass?
345
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:09,880
Great. Colour coded, yes?
346
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:11,410
Alphabetical.
347
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:13,290
That's what I meant. Brilliant.
348
00:17:14,790 --> 00:17:16,720
PHONE RINGS
349
00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:18,440
Ugh, parents.
350
00:17:18,460 --> 00:17:19,970
What, with them and Stephen,
351
00:17:19,990 --> 00:17:21,850
I feel like a full-time
carer at the moment.
352
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:24,130
I'll leave you to it.
353
00:17:24,150 --> 00:17:26,410
Hi. Oh, hi, Dad.
354
00:17:26,430 --> 00:17:29,330
Yes. Again?
355
00:17:29,350 --> 00:17:32,410
Well, no, no-one really
has aerials any more.
356
00:17:32,430 --> 00:17:34,850
I really think you should
think about getting a smart TV.
357
00:17:34,870 --> 00:17:37,210
You know, you can connect
via the internet.
358
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,490
No, it's not the same
as smart water.
359
00:17:45,670 --> 00:17:47,010
Hey.
360
00:17:47,030 --> 00:17:48,370
Why are you here?
361
00:17:48,390 --> 00:17:49,440
I was invited.
362
00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:50,850
Shit.
363
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,800
Has Mike asked everyone
to his welcome back party?
364
00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:56,160
I thought it was an exclusive thing.
MUFFLED GUITAR PLAYS
365
00:17:56,180 --> 00:17:58,520
I think you should get
a diving watch. What?
366
00:17:58,540 --> 00:18:00,880
The shirt looks good.
I think you could expand the look.
367
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:03,410
I haven't got a look, I just
dressed in a hurry.
368
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:04,570
Sure.
369
00:18:04,590 --> 00:18:06,880
Don't "sure" me, "sure" yourself.
370
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:08,880
Right.
COWS MOO
371
00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:11,160
THEY PLAY IRISH FOLK MUSIC
372
00:18:16,070 --> 00:18:17,370
CHEERING
373
00:18:20,870 --> 00:18:22,600
How come he's got so many friends?
374
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,930
I've never had a house party with
this many people.
375
00:18:24,950 --> 00:18:27,440
Yo, welcome.
376
00:18:27,460 --> 00:18:31,210
I once partied 86 hours
straight in Bali.
377
00:18:31,230 --> 00:18:35,160
I used an adrenaline pen to get me
through the last 90 minutes.
378
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:37,730
Let's see if we can beat that
record. Have a drink.
379
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:40,130
I call it a Stevo special.
380
00:18:40,150 --> 00:18:43,800
Orange and passion fruit J20,
but with gin and vermouth.
381
00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:46,160
MIKE CHUCKLES
I don't drink, Mike.
382
00:18:46,180 --> 00:18:49,090
I was very reliant on alcohol
and now I've stopped drinking.
383
00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:50,880
Andy, tell him.
384
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:53,210
Life is for living -
you're a long time dead.
385
00:18:53,230 --> 00:18:55,160
He really doesn't want it, Mike.
386
00:18:56,950 --> 00:18:58,320
Well, fuck you both, then.
387
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:01,570
Do I want to be his son?
388
00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:04,600
Inspirational platitudes
and the use of
389
00:19:04,620 --> 00:19:07,450
emergency pharmaceuticals
to prolong drinking.
390
00:19:07,470 --> 00:19:10,050
But, uh, I don't want
to be Laurie's,
391
00:19:10,070 --> 00:19:12,960
because that means I'm destined
to be a disappointment.
392
00:19:12,980 --> 00:19:14,420
Cheeky Pete, then.
393
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:17,230
Seems the best option.
I've never liked sheep.
394
00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:20,360
Fuck, I don't know
what I think any more.
395
00:19:20,380 --> 00:19:24,120
Is this what you wanted? For me
to feel even more adrift?
396
00:19:24,140 --> 00:19:25,480
I'm just trying to help you.
397
00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:27,920
Shall we go
and dig up Laurie anyway?
398
00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:31,230
I'm morbidly interested in
what's left of him.
399
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:33,480
Who can hot-wire a JCB?
400
00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:43,720
OK, I've not got long.
401
00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:46,030
I can't fix it myself,
but I can call a man.
402
00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:47,230
Oh, it's working?
403
00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:51,080
Who?
404
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:53,310
Yeah, he's like an angel.
405
00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:02,870
What are you doing here?
406
00:20:02,890 --> 00:20:05,200
The aerial just needed
repositioning.
407
00:20:05,220 --> 00:20:07,590
You listened in on my phone call?
408
00:20:07,610 --> 00:20:10,720
Sorry, I was in the room
and I couldn't help overhearing,
409
00:20:10,740 --> 00:20:14,120
and you said that you felt like a
carer so I was just trying to help.
410
00:20:14,140 --> 00:20:16,200
Apologies if I overstepped the mark.
411
00:20:16,220 --> 00:20:19,840
No, I guess... No, it's fine.
Thanks.
412
00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:26,200
We can connect via the internet.
413
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,230
So we don't need to
bother about the aerial.
414
00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:30,720
Come on, Phil, let's bleed those
rads and I'll change the time
415
00:20:30,740 --> 00:20:32,080
on the oven for you. Oh!
416
00:20:34,580 --> 00:20:36,880
I know.
417
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:37,880
Nightmare.
418
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:39,590
You get back to work. I've got this.
419
00:20:39,610 --> 00:20:41,880
OK. And thanks.
420
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,230
It's a big help.
421
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,130
That's what I'm trying to do now.
422
00:20:51,690 --> 00:20:54,670
Pint of Old Dreadful, please,
jannyj Jan Jan.
423
00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:57,640
Coming at you, Mikey Crikey.
THEY CHUCKLE
424
00:20:57,660 --> 00:21:00,280
Stephen it's in.
425
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:01,840
Do you want to go somewhere private?
426
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:05,520
No, it doesn't.
427
00:21:08,330 --> 00:21:09,880
Shouldn't you be back at the office?
428
00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:12,920
You weren't exactly employed, Cass.
429
00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:15,240
Yo, Stevo!
430
00:21:15,260 --> 00:21:17,160
What you got there, then?
You look nervous.
431
00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:19,520
Let me guess, library fines?
432
00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:20,750
Could be.
MIKE CHUCKLES
433
00:21:20,770 --> 00:21:22,310
Definitely not a DNA test.
434
00:21:22,330 --> 00:21:24,800
Hmm, been a naughty boy,
then, Stevo?
435
00:21:24,820 --> 00:21:26,030
Damn, he's sharp.
436
00:21:26,050 --> 00:21:27,720
No, s-someone else has.
437
00:21:27,740 --> 00:21:30,750
Well, not naughty, necessarily
- sexual.
438
00:21:30,770 --> 00:21:34,200
Well, word of advice to your friend
and I say the same to you -
439
00:21:34,220 --> 00:21:36,080
get a vasectomy.
440
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:37,920
I knew I never wanted
to be tied down.
441
00:21:37,940 --> 00:21:40,850
I got one when I was 18
and I always wondered
442
00:21:40,870 --> 00:21:43,670
if I would change my mind
and never did.
443
00:21:43,690 --> 00:21:46,640
I am 18 in my head
and I always will be.
444
00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:48,640
I am Mike, not Dad.
445
00:21:51,330 --> 00:21:53,210
Well, that's Mike out
of the picture.
446
00:21:53,230 --> 00:21:56,160
The moment of truth.
Laurie or Cheeky Pete.
447
00:21:57,740 --> 00:21:59,390
You sound like you're going to add,
448
00:21:59,410 --> 00:22:01,210
"And the phone lines
are now closed."
449
00:22:01,230 --> 00:22:03,560
Yes, but it is exciting,
finding out who your father is.
450
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:06,670
STEPHEN SIGHS
451
00:22:06,690 --> 00:22:10,390
If it's all the same,
l-l'd rather be Schrodinger's son.
452
00:22:10,410 --> 00:22:12,030
Is that Cheeky Pete's surname?
453
00:22:15,180 --> 00:22:16,960
There, all done.
454
00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:19,280
It can remain a mystery.
455
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:21,600
They usually send it by email
as well, don't they?
456
00:22:21,620 --> 00:22:22,960
Shit, course they do.
457
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:25,850
It's Laurie.
458
00:22:25,870 --> 00:22:27,670
You're Laurie's son.
459
00:22:27,690 --> 00:22:29,080
You're a Nichols.
460
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:30,570
There you go, Stephen.
461
00:22:30,590 --> 00:22:32,520
The blood connection to Laurie.
462
00:22:32,540 --> 00:22:34,030
What you wanted.
463
00:22:34,050 --> 00:22:36,360
You've got the one thing
that you wanted.
464
00:22:36,380 --> 00:22:37,360
Yes.
465
00:22:38,700 --> 00:22:40,640
Yes, I got the one thing I wanted.
466
00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:44,280
I... I'm Laurie's son, forever.
467
00:22:45,850 --> 00:22:48,160
I hope I was able to
help in some way.
468
00:22:48,180 --> 00:22:49,240
That's what I try to do now.
469
00:22:50,540 --> 00:22:51,930
I help.
470
00:22:51,950 --> 00:22:54,800
MUSIC: Son Of My Father
by Chicory Tip
471
00:22:54,820 --> 00:22:57,320
Son of my father
472
00:22:58,660 --> 00:23:01,960
Moulded, I was folded,
I was free from drive
473
00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:04,640
Son of my father
474
00:23:05,770 --> 00:23:09,000
Commanded, I was branded
in a plastic bag
475
00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:13,320
Surrounded and confounded
by statistic facts.
476
00:23:15,590 --> 00:23:18,470
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
477
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:23,070
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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