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1
00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:09,466
[♪♪♪]
2
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,643
NARRATOR:
In this picture, there are 47 people.
3
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,104
None of them can be seen.
4
00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:27,693
In this film, we hope to show you
how not to be seen.
5
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:34,867
This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court,
Black Lion Road, London S.E.14.
6
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:39,329
He cannot be seen.
Now I'm gonna ask him to stand up.
7
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:43,959
Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up, please?
8
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,546
[GUN FIRES]
9
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:52,009
This demonstrates the value
of not being seen.
10
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:55,846
In this picture, we cannot see
Mrs. B.J. Smegma
11
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,557
of 13 The Crescent, Belmont.
12
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:03,145
Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up, please?
13
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,815
[GUN FIRES]
14
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:14,698
This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow New Town.
Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please?
15
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,873
Mr. Nesbitt has learned
the first lesson of not being seen:
16
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,084
Not to stand up.
17
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:30,756
However, he has chosen
a very obvious piece of cover.
18
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:35,594
Mr. E.W. Lambert of Homeleigh,
the boroughs, Oswestry
19
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:37,721
has presented us with a poser.
20
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:44,436
We do not know which bush he is behind,
but we can soon find out.
21
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,069
[SCREAMS]
22
00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:55,364
Yes, it was the middle one.
23
00:01:56,116 --> 00:02:01,203
Mr. And Mrs. Watson of Hull chose
a very cunning way of not being seen.
24
00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:03,163
When we called
at their house, we found
25
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,374
that they had gone away
on two weeks' holiday.
26
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:10,003
However, a neighbour told us
where they were.
27
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:15,509
And here is the neighbour
who told us where they were.
28
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,556
And here is where he lived.
29
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:24,476
And this is where he was born.
30
00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:27,437
[NARRATOR LAUGHS]
31
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:43,078
And now for something
completely different.
32
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,000
[♪♪♪]
33
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,925
[COUGHS]
34
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:40,469
Good evening.
35
00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:44,181
Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise.
36
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:48,018
The feature was not quite as long
as we had anticipated.
37
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:51,855
Therefore, there will
be a short interval.
38
00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:58,737
In the meantime, we are pleased
to be able to show you
39
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:04,618
a short film starring a man
with a tape recorder up his nose.
40
00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:08,705
[♪♪♪]
41
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,296
[♪ "LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS ♪]
42
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,221
[MUSIC STOPS]
43
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,310
[REWINDING NOISE]
44
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:43,240
And now a film starring a man with
a tape recorder up his brother's nose.
45
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,951
[♪♪♪]
46
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:54,209
[♪ "LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS ♪]
47
00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:00,215
[MUSIC STOPS]
48
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:02,551
[REWINDING NOISE]
49
00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:12,436
ANNOUNCER:
And now in stereo.
50
00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:21,278
[♪ "LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS ♪]
51
00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,619
[MUSIC STOPS]
52
00:05:31,956 --> 00:05:33,999
Thank you. That was
the end of the interval.
53
00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:36,376
Will you kindly return to your seats?
54
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:41,006
We will now be proceeding
with the program as advertised.
55
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,054
MAN 1: Darling, you were wonderful.
MAN 2: Oh, really?
56
00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:48,764
[COUGHING]
57
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:53,852
NARRATOR: In 1971, the
British Empire lay in ruins.
58
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:57,647
Foreigners frequented the streets,
many of them Hungarians.
59
00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:00,067
Not the streets, the foreign nationals.
60
00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:05,447
Anyway, many of these Hungarians
went into tobacconists to buy cigarettes.
61
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:09,034
Here, sir. Thank you.
62
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,707
Morning, sir.
63
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:20,295
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched.
64
00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,214
I'm sorry?
65
00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:26,676
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched.
66
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:31,598
No, no, no. This is a
tobacconist's. Tobacconist's.
67
00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:33,141
Ah!
68
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:37,020
I will not buy this tobacconist's.
It is scratched.
69
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,981
No, no. Tobacco. Cigarettes.
70
00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:44,236
Cigarettes? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yes.
71
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,740
My hovercraft is full of eels.
72
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:53,995
What?
My hovercraft is full of eels.
73
00:06:54,997 --> 00:06:58,625
Matches.
Yeah. Yeah, matches.
74
00:06:58,835 --> 00:07:01,378
"Do you want...?"
Do you want.
75
00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:02,838
Want.
76
00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:07,884
"Do you want to come back
to my place? Bouncy, bouncy."
77
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:09,970
That'll be 6 shillings.
78
00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:15,183
"If I said you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?"
79
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,561
"I am no longer infected."
80
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,980
May I? May I?
Yeah, yeah.
81
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:23,275
It costs 6 shillings,
costs 6 shillings.
82
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,527
Six shillings.
83
00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:30,240
[SPEAKS IN HUNGARIAN]
84
00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:35,162
SHOP OWNER:
Help! Help!
85
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:38,582
[♪♪♪]
86
00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:45,630
[BELL RINGS]
87
00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:53,680
What's all this, then?
"You have beautiful thighs."
88
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,265
What?
He hit me.
89
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:59,019
"Drop your panties, Sir Arthur,
I cannot wait till lunchtime."
90
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:02,731
Right!
Oh, my nipples explode with delight!
91
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:05,233
NARRATOR: The Hungarian gentleman
was subsequently released
92
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:09,279
but it was his information that lead
to the arrest and trial of the real culprit.
93
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,572
MAN:
I am.
94
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:13,533
You are hereby charged
that on the 28th day of May
95
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:17,496
you did, willfully and with malice
of forethought, publish an alleged
96
00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:22,584
English-Hungarian phrase
book with intent to cause
a breach of the peace.
97
00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:23,960
How do you plead?
98
00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:26,630
Not guilty.
99
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:31,510
Mr. Yalk, on the 28th of May,
you published this phrase book.
100
00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:32,761
I did.
101
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:36,223
With Your Lordship's permission,
I would like to pose an example.
102
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,183
The Hungarian phrase meaning:
103
00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:41,102
"Can you direct me
to the railway station?"
104
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:47,901
Is here translated by the English
phrase, "Please fondle my buttocks."
105
00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:55,200
"Please fondle my buttocks."
106
00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:59,746
Oh, yes, it's past the post
office, 200 yards down,
then left at the lights.
107
00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:08,505
TOURIST:
Hm, left at lights.
108
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,009
[♪♪♪]
109
00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:37,117
[QUACKING]
110
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:52,507
[HUMS]
111
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:16,448
NARRATOR: Not far away, Mr. And
Mrs. Arthur Putey were about to
enter an unfamiliar office.
112
00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:18,408
Next.
113
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:45,894
Are you the marriage
guidance counsellor?
114
00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:47,103
Yes.
115
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,898
Good morning.
Morning.
116
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,193
And...
117
00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:57,030
Good morning
to you, madam.
118
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:03,453
Name?
Mr. And Mrs. Arthur Putey.
119
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:07,374
And what is the
name of your...
120
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:10,752
ravishing wife? Wait.
121
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:13,213
Don't tell me. It's...
122
00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:16,216
It's something to do
with moonlight.
123
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:20,845
It goes with her eyes.
It's soft and gentle...
124
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,264
warm and yielding...
125
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:28,770
deeply lyrical and yet tender and
frightened like a tiny white rabbit.
126
00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:31,314
It's Deirdre.
127
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,316
Deirdre.
128
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:37,529
What a beautiful name.
129
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,657
What a beautiful...
130
00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:44,160
beautiful name.
131
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:50,375
And what seems to be the trouble
with your marriage, Mr. Putey?
132
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:53,253
It all started when we first
went to Brighton on holiday together.
133
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:56,339
Deirdre, that's my wife,
and I have always been
very close companions,
134
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,300
and I never particularly
anticipated any marital
strife.
135
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:02,303
Indeed the very idea of
consulting a professional
marital adviser
136
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,264
has always been of
the greatest repugnance
to me,
137
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:11,104
although far be it from me
to impugn the nature of your
trade or profession.
138
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,399
Do go on.
139
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:16,860
As I was saying, Deirdre
and I have always been
very close companions,
140
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:20,780
sharing the interests, the
gardening, the sixpenny bottle
for holiday money.
141
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:24,534
And indeed twice a month of
an evening, settling down to
do the accounts together,
142
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:28,288
something which Deirdre,
that's my wife,
143
00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:31,374
and I particularly look forward
to on account of her feet.
144
00:12:31,625 --> 00:12:35,587
I should've said at the outset I'm noted
for having a grand sense of humour.
145
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,714
Although, I have kept myself
much to myself
146
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:39,674
over the last couple of years.
147
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:43,261
It's only as comparatively recently
as recently that I began to realise,
148
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,681
well, perhaps realise
is too strong a word,
149
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:51,269
imagine that I was not
the only thing in her life.
150
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,814
You suspected your wife?
Oh, well...
151
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,861
Frankly, yes.
152
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,113
A bit.
153
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,699
Her behaviour did seem to me...
154
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:06,701
Her behaviour did seem to me,
155
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:10,705
who was, after all, there to see,
to be a little odd.
156
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,332
Odd?
Well, to a certain extent, yes.
157
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,918
Now, I'm not by nature
a suspicious person, far from it.
158
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,378
In fact, I've got something
of a reputation as
an after-dinner speaker,
159
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,130
if you get my meaning.
160
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,340
Yes, I certainly do.
161
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:23,885
Indeed in the area where
people know me, I'm,
in fact, very well-known.
162
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:26,513
Fine. Would you?
Yes, certainly.
163
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:29,682
So I decided it was time
to face the facts, stop
beating about the bush,
164
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,060
or I'd never be able
to look myself in
the bathroom mirror again.
165
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:36,689
Look, would you mind
running along for 10, make
it 20 minutes? All right?
166
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:40,401
Yes. I'll wait outside, shall I?
167
00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:46,825
Yes, that's perhaps the best thing.
168
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:51,955
You've certainly set my mind at rest
on one or two scores, then.
169
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,833
[♪♪♪]
170
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,553
[THUNDER ROLLS]
171
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,598
VOICE:
Arthur Putey,
172
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:14,435
are you a man or a mouse?
173
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:19,023
You've been running too long,
Arthur Putey. It's time to stop,
174
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:22,610
time to turn and fight like a man.
175
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:29,450
Go back in there, Arthur Putey.
Go back in there
and pull your finger out.
176
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,745
Yes. Yes, you're right.
177
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,665
This is it, Arthur Putey!
178
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:42,338
This is your moment, Arthur Putey!
At last, you're a man!
179
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,053
Come out, Deirdre.
I know you're in there.
180
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:52,599
COUNSELLOR: Go away.
Right-o.
181
00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:55,268
[LAUGHING]
182
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:22,295
Oh, what a lovely little...
183
00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:24,797
[SCREAMING]
184
00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:33,806
Oh, what a lovely little...
185
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,517
[SCREAMING]
186
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,521
[BELCHES]
187
00:15:44,526 --> 00:15:48,029
Oh, what a lovely little...
WOMAN: Stop it! Stop right there!
188
00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:52,158
This is absolutely disgusting,
and I'm not going to stand for it.
189
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,535
There. Kill.
190
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,204
[GROWLS]
191
00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:09,676
[♪♪♪]
192
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,270
Ooh.
193
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,240
Oh.
194
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,256
[GRUNTING]
195
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,681
Cut. That's it. We're not going to allow
this sort of smut on the screen.
196
00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:59,976
This depraved and degrading spectacle
is going to stop right now.
197
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:01,519
Do you hear me? Stop it.
198
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,688
MAN: Damn! Just when
it was getting good.
199
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:13,698
Evening, squire.
200
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:27,336
Are you married?
201
00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:31,632
Yes.
I'm a bachelor myself.
202
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:35,803
Is? Is your wife a goer?
Eh? Know what I mean?
Know what I mean?
203
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:38,056
Nudge, nudge.
Know what I mean?
Say no more.
204
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:40,850
I beg your pardon?
Your wife, does she go?
205
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,728
Know what I mean?
Know what I mean?
Does she go, eh?
206
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:46,522
She sometimes goes.
I bet she does. I bet she does.
207
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,400
Say no more. Say
no more. Know what
I mean? Nudge, nudge.
208
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:53,071
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
Follow me. Follow me. That's good.
209
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,699
That's good. A nod's as good
as a wink to a blind bat.
210
00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:01,037
Look, are you selling something?
"Selling. Selling." Very good. Very good.
211
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,289
Know what I mean?
212
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:06,667
Oh, wicked. You're wicked.
You're wicked, eh? Nudge, nudge.
213
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,629
A nod's as good
as a wink to a blind bat.
214
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:13,132
But...
Your wife a sport, eh?
215
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:17,011
She likes sport, yes.
I bet she does. I bet she does.
216
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:20,973
Yes, she's very fond of cricket.
Who isn't, eh? Who isn't?
217
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:24,644
Likes games? Knew
she would. Knew she
would. Who doesn't, eh?
218
00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:26,729
She's been around a bit, eh?
Been around.
219
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:31,526
Yes, she's travelled. She's from Purley.
Oh, say no more. Say no more.
220
00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:37,406
Say no more. Purley? Say no more.
Know what I mean? Say no more.
221
00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:42,912
Your wife interested in
photography, eh?
222
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,415
Photographs, eh?
"He asked him knowingly."
223
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:47,625
Photography?
224
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:49,961
Snap, snap. Grin, grin.
Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
Say no more.
225
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:52,713
Holiday snaps?
Could be. Could be taken on holiday.
226
00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:56,175
Could be swimming costumes.
Nudge, nudge.
227
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:59,971
Candid. Candid photography.
No, I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
228
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:03,599
Oh. Still. Whoa! Eh?
229
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,435
Eh? Whoa!
230
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,396
Look, are you trying to
insinuate something?
231
00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:11,732
No. No. No. No. No. No.
232
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,484
Yes.
233
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,154
Well?
Well, I mean...
234
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,948
You're a man of the
world, aren't you?
I mean, you know...
235
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,200
You've been around.
You've been there.
236
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:24,453
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, like, you've, you know...
237
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,455
You've done it, uh...
238
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,833
with a lady.
You've slept with a lady.
239
00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:30,710
Yes.
240
00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:32,795
What's it like?
241
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:37,425
WOMAN'S VOICE:
Well, I think it's overrated.
242
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:40,595
Shut up, you!
243
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,557
Good evening, class.
Good evening.
244
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:47,143
Where are all the others, then?
They're not here.
245
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:50,354
I can see that!
What's the matter with them?
246
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,481
Don't know.
Perhaps they've got flu.
247
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:53,983
Flu!
248
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,320
They should eat more fresh fruit.
249
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,325
Right! Now! Self-defence!
250
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:05,745
Tonight, I shall be carrying on
from where we got to last week,
251
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:10,249
when I was showing you how
to defend yourselves against anyone
252
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:14,086
who attacks you armed
with a piece of fresh fruit.
253
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:15,671
[GROANING]
254
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,715
You promised you
wouldn't do fruit this week.
255
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,133
What do you mean?
256
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:21,552
We've done fresh fruit
for the last nine weeks.
257
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:25,640
What's wrong with fruit?!
You think you know it all, eh?!
258
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,016
Can't we try
something else?
259
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,435
Like someone who
attacks you with
a pointed stick.
260
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:33,439
Pointed stick?
Oh, oh, oh.
261
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:38,194
We want to learn to defend
ourselves against pointed
sticks, do we?
262
00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:44,116
Getting all high-and-mighty, eh?
Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh?
263
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:47,954
Oh, oh, oh...
Well, let me tell you something, my lad,
264
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:51,707
when you're walking home tonight
and some great homicidal maniac
265
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:56,879
comes after you with a bunch
of loganberries, don't come crying to me!
266
00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:01,300
Right! And now the passion fruit!
267
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:05,346
When your assailant lunges at you
with a passion fruit, like thus...
268
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:08,224
We've done the passion fruit.
What?
269
00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,226
We've done the passion fruit.
270
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:14,522
We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
MAN 3: Whole and segments.
271
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:18,484
MAN 2: Greengages, pomegranates...
MAN 1: Grapes, passion fruit...
272
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,194
MAN 2: Lemons.
MAN 3: Plums.
273
00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:23,281
MAN 4:
And mangoes in syrup.
274
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:26,117
How about cherries?
We've done them.
275
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:28,494
INSTRUCTOR: Red and black?
Yes.
276
00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:31,914
All right, then.
277
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,626
Bananas.
278
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:38,796
We haven't done bananas, have we?
No.
279
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:45,052
Right! How to defend yourself against
a man armed with a banana. Catch.
280
00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:49,265
Now, it's quite simple to deal
with a banana fiend.
281
00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:52,893
First of all, you force him
to drop the banana.
282
00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:56,939
Then you eat the banana,
thus disarming him.
283
00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:58,816
You have now rendered him helpless.
284
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,902
Supposing he's got a bunch?
Shut up!
285
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:05,031
Suppose he's got a pointed stick?
Shut up!
286
00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:09,285
Right. Now, you, Mr. Apricot!
Harrison.
287
00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:12,371
Sorry, Mr. Harrison.
Come at me with that banana.
288
00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:14,874
Come on. Be as vicious
as you like with it.
289
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:17,752
Come on, attack me! Come on!
290
00:22:17,961 --> 00:22:23,049
No. No. No. Put something into it.
For God's sake, hold the banana like that!
291
00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:25,509
That's better! Now scream!
[SCREAMS]
292
00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:27,970
Good! Right! Now attack me!
293
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,431
Come on, man, attack me!
294
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,266
[GUN FIRES]
295
00:22:35,103 --> 00:22:38,856
Next, I eat the banana.
296
00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:42,985
Now, I would just like to point out
297
00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:47,198
that this film is displaying
a distinct tendency to become silly.
298
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:51,494
Now, nobody likes a good laugh
more than I do,
299
00:22:51,703 --> 00:22:55,581
except perhaps my wife
and some of her friends.
300
00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:57,500
Oh, yes, and Capt. Johnson.
301
00:22:57,709 --> 00:23:00,461
Come to think, most people
like a good laugh more than I do,
302
00:23:00,670 --> 00:23:02,129
but that's beside the point.
303
00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:05,800
I'm warning this film
not to get silly again. Right.
304
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:11,597
Now, director, on the command "cut,"
cut to the next scene.
305
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:12,807
Director...
306
00:23:13,517 --> 00:23:17,937
NARRATOR: This is a frightened city...
COLONEL: Wait for it.
307
00:23:18,438 --> 00:23:20,481
Director, cut!
308
00:23:21,525 --> 00:23:22,983
NARRATOR:
This is a frightened city.
309
00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:27,321
Over these streets, over these houses,
hangs a pall of fear.
310
00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:32,701
An ugly kind of violence is rife,
stalking the town.
311
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,120
[SCREAMING]
312
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:40,251
Yes, gangs of old ladies
attacking fit, defenceless young men.
313
00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:45,548
[♪♪♪]
314
00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:03,566
MAN: They just come up to you
and push you, like,
315
00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:05,776
you know, shove you
off the pavement.
316
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:08,529
There's usually about
four or five of them.
317
00:24:09,072 --> 00:24:11,949
Yeah, sometimes
there's three or four of them.
318
00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:15,995
It's not even safe to go out
down to the shops anymore.
319
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:21,625
NARRATOR: Grannies are no respecter
of race, creed or sex.
320
00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:24,128
Theirs is a harsh, ruthless world.
321
00:24:24,337 --> 00:24:28,299
A tough world, a world in which
the surgical stocking is king.
322
00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:34,722
But what are they in it for? These senile
delinquents, these layabouts in lace.
323
00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:38,142
GRANNY 1: I like the violence.
GRANNY 2: The prestige mainly.
324
00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:41,520
GRANNY 3: The free gifts.
GRANNY 4: Putting the knee in the groin.
325
00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:43,981
GRANNY 3:
We like pulling the heads off sheep.
326
00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:46,984
GRANNY 2: And teacakes.
GRANNIES: Yes.
327
00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:50,446
We have a lot of trouble with these
Grannies. Pension day is the worst.
328
00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:54,366
Soon as they get it, they blow the lot
on milk, tea, sugar,
329
00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:55,951
a tin of meat for the cat.
330
00:24:56,203 --> 00:24:58,996
The whole crux of the problem
331
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:04,502
lies in the basic dissatisfaction
of these senile delinquents
332
00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:06,170
with the world as they find it.
333
00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:09,632
They begin to question
the values of their society.
334
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:12,384
They see their sons and daughters
growing up to become
335
00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:16,138
accountants, solicitors,
sociologists even,
336
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,766
and they begin to wonder,
"Is it all worth it? Is it all...?"
337
00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:21,268
[SCREAMS]
338
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,731
[LAUGHING]
339
00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:36,450
NARRATOR: Another prime target
for vandalism is telephone boxes.
340
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:37,868
[PHONE RINGS]
341
00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:41,163
But mostly, they just live for kicks.
342
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:56,053
But there are other kinds
of violence abroad.
343
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,722
Other gangs, equally vicious,
equally determined,
344
00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:02,643
such as The Baby-Snatchers.
345
00:26:02,852 --> 00:26:04,687
[BABIES CRYING]
346
00:26:04,896 --> 00:26:06,272
MAN:
Hey!
347
00:26:06,481 --> 00:26:09,608
What is this? Help!
348
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:13,487
Well, I left him outside for a few moments
while I got some Brillo pads.
349
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:17,408
When I came back, he was gone.
He was only 48.
350
00:26:17,993 --> 00:26:22,705
NARRATOR: And also vicious gangs
of "keep left" signs.
351
00:26:27,210 --> 00:26:30,337
Right, stop that. It's silly.
352
00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:31,922
Very silly indeed.
353
00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:35,676
It started off as a nice little idea about
old ladies attacking young men,
354
00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:38,012
but now it's just got silly.
355
00:26:38,221 --> 00:26:40,139
His hair's too long for a vicar too.
356
00:26:40,348 --> 00:26:42,600
You can tell that those
are not proper "keep left" signs.
357
00:26:42,809 --> 00:26:44,727
Clear off, the lot of you!
358
00:26:44,936 --> 00:26:48,147
You, come with me.
359
00:26:51,985 --> 00:26:53,944
Right. Now let's see something
decent and military.
360
00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:55,321
Some precision drilling.
361
00:26:55,572 --> 00:26:59,575
MAN:
Squad, camp it up!
362
00:26:59,784 --> 00:27:03,829
♪ Oh, get her
I've got your number, ducky ♪
363
00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,041
♪ You couldn't afford me, dear
Two, three ♪
364
00:27:07,250 --> 00:27:09,627
♪ I'll scratch your eyes out ♪
365
00:27:09,836 --> 00:27:13,047
♪ Don't come the brigadier bit
With us, dear ♪
366
00:27:13,256 --> 00:27:16,508
♪ We all know where you've been
You military fairy ♪
367
00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:20,346
♪ Two, three
One, two, three, four, five, six ♪
368
00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:22,598
♪ Woops, don't look now, girls ♪
369
00:27:22,807 --> 00:27:26,268
♪ The major's just minced in
With that dolly colour sergeant ♪
370
00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:28,520
♪ Two, three ♪
371
00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:32,316
Right, Stop that!
Silly.
372
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:34,443
And a bit suspect, I think.
373
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:35,903
Time for a cartoon.
374
00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:42,242
WOMAN: Once upon a time,
there was an enchanted prince
375
00:27:42,452 --> 00:27:46,455
who ruled the land
beyond the Wobbles.
376
00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:52,461
One day, he discovered
a spot on his face.
377
00:27:53,421 --> 00:27:59,301
Foolishly, he ignored it,
and three years later, he died of cancer.
378
00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:05,557
The spot, however, flourished
and soon set out to seek its fortune.
379
00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:12,856
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
380
00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:16,902
[LAUGHS]
381
00:28:17,821 --> 00:28:18,946
[CRASHING]
382
00:28:19,155 --> 00:28:20,906
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
383
00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:28,539
[PANTS]
384
00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:30,457
[KISSING]
385
00:28:39,008 --> 00:28:42,136
WOMAN: Agnes, did you just see
who moved in next door?
386
00:28:42,345 --> 00:28:43,345
AGNES:
Yes.
387
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,180
WOMAN:
Black as the ace of spades they were.
388
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:48,308
Oh, well, there goes the neighbourhood.
389
00:28:48,518 --> 00:28:49,768
AGNES:
Oh, yes.
390
00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,103
[CRACKING]
391
00:28:58,236 --> 00:29:00,404
[FOOTSTEPS]
392
00:29:10,331 --> 00:29:12,708
Next, please.
393
00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:18,255
One at a time, please.
394
00:29:18,631 --> 00:29:21,467
There is only me, sir.
395
00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:30,100
So there is. Take a...
396
00:29:30,310 --> 00:29:33,187
Seat?
Seat. Seat. Take a seat.
397
00:29:33,396 --> 00:29:38,317
So you want to join
my mountaineering
expedition, do you?
398
00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:41,195
Who? Me, sir?
Mm-hm.
399
00:29:41,529 --> 00:29:45,491
Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
Jolly good. Jolly good.
400
00:29:45,867 --> 00:29:48,327
And how about you?
401
00:29:49,245 --> 00:29:51,830
There is only me, sir.
402
00:29:57,587 --> 00:30:00,964
Well, bang goes his
application, then.
403
00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:02,758
Now, let me fill you in.
404
00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:04,259
I'm leading this expedition,
405
00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:08,305
and we're going to
climb both peaks of
Mount Kilimanjaro.
406
00:30:08,515 --> 00:30:11,850
I thought there was
only one peak, sir.
407
00:30:23,446 --> 00:30:27,157
Well, that will save
a bit of time. Well done.
408
00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:29,993
Now, the object
of this year's expedition,
409
00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:33,705
is to see if we can
find any trace of
last year's expedition.
410
00:30:33,915 --> 00:30:36,625
Last year's expedition?
Yes. My brother was leading that.
411
00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:42,005
They were going to build
a bridge between the two peaks.
412
00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:47,094
My idea, I'm afraid.
413
00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:50,055
Now, I ought to tell you that I have
practically everyone that I need
414
00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:53,976
for this expedition, but what
special qualifications do you have?
415
00:30:54,185 --> 00:30:56,520
Well, sir...
Yes, you first.
416
00:30:56,729 --> 00:30:58,897
There is only me, sir.
I wasn't talking to you.
417
00:30:59,148 --> 00:31:00,315
Carry on.
418
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:04,361
Well, sir, I'm a fully qualified
mountaineer.
419
00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:06,905
Mountaineer?
420
00:31:09,659 --> 00:31:11,201
Uh...
421
00:31:12,328 --> 00:31:14,121
"Mouse..."
422
00:31:15,039 --> 00:31:16,582
"Mountaineer:
423
00:31:16,791 --> 00:31:19,585
Two men skilled at climbing
a mountain."
424
00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:25,549
By Jove, that will be useful.
Well, you're in. Congratulations.
425
00:31:25,758 --> 00:31:28,468
Both of you.
Now, what are your names?
426
00:31:28,678 --> 00:31:31,597
Arthur Wilson.
Arthur Wilson.
427
00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:32,848
Mm-hm.
428
00:31:33,057 --> 00:31:37,644
Well, look, I'll call you
Arthur Wilson 1 and you
Arthur Wilson 2,
429
00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:39,646
just to avoid confusion.
430
00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:41,815
Are you actually leading
this expedition, sir?
431
00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:44,818
Yes, we are leading
this expedition to Africa.
432
00:31:45,361 --> 00:31:47,237
What routes will you both
be following?
433
00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:52,159
Good questions. Well, we'll
be leaving on one or other
of the January the 22nds,
434
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:54,328
and taking the following routes.
435
00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:57,039
From Manchesters,
down through Oxfords,
436
00:31:57,248 --> 00:32:00,042
taking the M1 s through Londons
to Purleys,
437
00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:03,003
then the A25s from Purleys
to Dovers.
438
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:08,383
Then Afrikish to Nairobis.
Then we take the south
roads out of Nairobis
439
00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:11,929
for about 12 miles and then ask.
Does anyone speak Swahili?
440
00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:13,889
Yes, I think most of them do
down there.
441
00:32:14,223 --> 00:32:16,850
No, does anyone in our party
speak Swahili, sir?
442
00:32:17,143 --> 00:32:20,520
Well, matron's got a smattering.
Apart from the two matrons?
443
00:32:20,730 --> 00:32:22,230
I'd forgotten about her.
444
00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:24,900
Well, apart from them, who else
is coming on our expedition?
445
00:32:25,151 --> 00:32:28,320
Well, we've got
the Arthur Brown twins,
446
00:32:28,529 --> 00:32:30,489
two botanists called Machin,
447
00:32:30,698 --> 00:32:32,491
the William Johnston brothers.
Two of them?
448
00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:34,868
No, four of them,
pair of identical twins.
449
00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:37,788
Two of the Harry Baker quads
and you two.
450
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:40,290
And none of these
are mountaineers?
451
00:32:40,541 --> 00:32:44,378
Well, you two are, and we've
got a brace of guides
called Jimmy Blenkinsop,
452
00:32:44,587 --> 00:32:47,798
because Kilimanjaro
is a pretty tricky climb.
453
00:32:48,007 --> 00:32:50,926
Most of it's up, until you reach
the very, very top.
454
00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:53,762
And then it tends to slope
away rather sharply.
455
00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:58,642
But Jimmy's put his heads
together and worked out
a way up. Jimmy!
456
00:32:59,602 --> 00:33:02,521
Jimmy Blenkinsop, Arthur
Wilson. Arthur Wilson,
Jimmy Blenkinsop.
457
00:33:02,730 --> 00:33:03,939
Jimmy Blenkinsop 2,
Arthur Wilson 2.
458
00:33:04,148 --> 00:33:06,274
Arthur Wilson 2,
Jimmy Blenkinsop 1.
459
00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:07,609
Carry on, Jimmy.
460
00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:12,489
Don't worry about the...
We'll get him up all right.
461
00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:25,002
Well, I suppose I'd better describe
the route. Well, we start quite
simply up Kilimanjaro.
462
00:33:25,878 --> 00:33:28,380
It's quite simple. No problem
there, basically.
463
00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:32,759
And then we go on to the main face
itself of Kilimanjaro.
464
00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:35,554
It's difficult here
because there's loose rock.
465
00:33:35,763 --> 00:33:41,518
Once you get away through that,
there's a difficult bit round here.
466
00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:45,689
You've got to go from the end of
the mantelpiece onto the coffee table,
467
00:33:45,898 --> 00:33:48,942
which is difficult, but there's
quite a good foothold.
468
00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:52,446
Then we've got the rail here,
which is quite a good foothold.
469
00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:56,867
Then a terribly easy bit over the floor,
up onto the chair.
470
00:33:57,076 --> 00:34:00,787
And then we've got a layback.
471
00:34:00,997 --> 00:34:07,419
We get down and go quite simply
straight out to the stairs.
472
00:34:07,795 --> 00:34:09,671
He'll be leading
the first assault.
473
00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:12,507
Well, I'm afraid I shan't be
coming on your expedition, sir,
474
00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:17,012
as I've absolutely no confidence
in anyone involved in it.
475
00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:21,391
Oh, dear.
476
00:34:22,518 --> 00:34:24,853
Well, what about you?
Well, I'm game, sir.
477
00:34:25,104 --> 00:34:28,273
Jolly good! Jolly good!
478
00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:30,734
Good Lord!
479
00:34:35,865 --> 00:34:40,911
[MAN GRUNTING AND BREATHING]
480
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,095
MAN:
Ugh.
481
00:34:58,346 --> 00:35:00,472
And now for something
completely different.
482
00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:02,682
Inspector, inspector!
Yes, sir.
483
00:35:02,850 --> 00:35:05,227
I was sitting on a park bench
just now and put my coat down.
484
00:35:05,436 --> 00:35:09,606
When I picked it up again,
I found my wallet was gone,
and 15 pounds had been stolen.
485
00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:11,483
Did you see anyone?
486
00:35:11,692 --> 00:35:14,402
No, no one at all.
487
00:35:15,655 --> 00:35:18,782
Well, there's very little
we can do about that, sir.
488
00:35:27,750 --> 00:35:30,544
Do you wanna come
back to my place?
489
00:35:34,757 --> 00:35:36,758
Yeah, all right.
490
00:35:42,473 --> 00:35:44,432
[GASPS]
491
00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:45,725
[MAN LAUGHS]
492
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:56,695
[GASPS]
493
00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:02,784
[SCREAMS]
494
00:36:14,380 --> 00:36:19,384
NARRATOR: And so Miss Spume
returned to her typing and
dreamed her little dreamy dreams,
495
00:36:19,594 --> 00:36:23,555
unaware of the cruel trick fate
had in store for her.
496
00:36:23,764 --> 00:36:26,266
For Miss Spume was about
to fall victim
497
00:36:26,475 --> 00:36:30,687
of the dreaded international
Chinese Communist conspiracy.
498
00:36:31,272 --> 00:36:33,023
Yes, these fanatical fiends,
499
00:36:33,232 --> 00:36:36,776
under the leadership
of the so-called Mao Zedong,
500
00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:41,990
had caught Miss Spume off guard
for one brief but fatal moment
501
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,658
[WHIMPERS]
502
00:36:43,868 --> 00:36:46,786
NARRATOR:
And destroyed her.
503
00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:50,373
Just as they are ready to do anytime,
to free men anywhere
504
00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:53,043
who waver in their defence
of democracy.
505
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,378
[EXPLODING]
506
00:36:55,713 --> 00:37:00,175
[♪ "THE STAR-SPANGLED
BANNER" PLAYS ♪]
507
00:37:03,262 --> 00:37:06,306
Once again, American defence
proves its effectiveness
508
00:37:06,515 --> 00:37:08,475
against international communism.
509
00:37:08,726 --> 00:37:11,811
Using this diagram of a tooth
to represent any small country
510
00:37:12,021 --> 00:37:14,439
we can see how
international communism works
511
00:37:14,649 --> 00:37:18,443
by eroding away from within.
512
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:25,700
When one country or tooth falls victim
to international communism,
513
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:28,620
its neighbours soon follow.
514
00:37:28,829 --> 00:37:32,332
In dentistry, this is known
as the domino theory.
515
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:37,128
But with American defence,
the decay is stopped before it starts.
516
00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:42,175
That's why 9 out of 10 small
countries choose American defence.
517
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:46,429
ANNOUNCER: Or Crelm toothpaste
with the miracle ingredient, Fraudulin.
518
00:37:46,973 --> 00:37:49,057
The white car represents
Crelm toothpaste
519
00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:51,226
with the miracle ingredient, Fraudulin.
520
00:37:51,435 --> 00:37:53,979
The not-white car represents
another toothpaste.
521
00:37:54,188 --> 00:37:56,856
[GUN FIRES]
[CAR ENGINES ROAR]
522
00:37:57,358 --> 00:37:59,734
Yes, both cars provide
30 percent protection.
523
00:38:01,988 --> 00:38:04,489
At 60 percent protection,
both cars are doing well.
524
00:38:05,324 --> 00:38:07,701
And now at 90 percent protection...
525
00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:10,495
Wait! The not-white car is out,
526
00:38:10,746 --> 00:38:14,791
and Crelm toothpaste goes on to win
with 100 percent protection!
527
00:38:15,001 --> 00:38:19,421
Yes, do like all smart motorists,
choose Crelm toothpaste.
528
00:38:19,672 --> 00:38:24,092
Or Shrill petrol with the new additive,
GLC 9424075.
529
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:26,469
After 6 p.m., 9424047.
530
00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:29,222
Using this white card to represent
engine deposits
531
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:34,394
and this black card to represent
Shrill's new additive, GLC 9424075.
532
00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:36,604
After 6 p.m., 9424047.
533
00:38:36,814 --> 00:38:40,150
We can see how the engine deposits
are pushed off the face of the earth
534
00:38:40,359 --> 00:38:42,027
by the superior qualities
available to Shrill...
535
00:38:42,236 --> 00:38:43,778
[GUN FIRES]
536
00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:44,779
[GROANING]
537
00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:46,364
[FOOTSTEPS]
538
00:38:46,574 --> 00:38:48,074
[CRASHING]
539
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,285
OFFICER:
This is the police.
540
00:38:50,494 --> 00:38:53,288
We know you're in there,
so come out with your hands up.
541
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:55,248
MAN:
You'll never take me alive, copper.
542
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:58,376
OFFICER:
All right, then. Sergeant!
543
00:39:03,966 --> 00:39:06,468
[♪♪♪]
544
00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:15,727
[BURPS]
545
00:39:17,897 --> 00:39:22,025
ANNOUNCER:
Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth.
546
00:39:59,814 --> 00:40:01,898
[BOOING]
547
00:40:03,859 --> 00:40:06,736
[CLAPPING]
548
00:40:08,447 --> 00:40:12,951
Thank you, thank you,
Conrad Poohs and his
exploding teeth.
549
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:16,663
A smile, two fangs
and an "excuse me."
550
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:19,374
And next tonight,
gentlemen and ladies
551
00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:22,919
here at the Peep-hole Club
for the very first time,
552
00:40:23,129 --> 00:40:29,676
we're very proud to welcome
Ken Ewing and his musical mice.
553
00:40:37,309 --> 00:40:39,018
EWING:
Thank you, thank you.
554
00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:45,483
Ladies and gentlemen, I have
in this box, 23 white mice.
555
00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:50,905
Mice which I have painstakingly trained
over the past few years
556
00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:55,160
to squeak at a selected pitch.
557
00:40:55,369 --> 00:41:00,373
This one is E sharp, and this one is G.
558
00:41:00,583 --> 00:41:03,877
G, E sharp. You have the general idea.
559
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:08,298
Now, these mice are so arranged
upon this rack
560
00:41:08,507 --> 00:41:11,217
that when played
in the correct order,
561
00:41:11,427 --> 00:41:16,139
they will squeak
"Three Blinded White Mice."
562
00:41:16,348 --> 00:41:19,893
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you,
on the mouse organ,
563
00:41:20,102 --> 00:41:24,856
"Three Blinded White Mice."
Thank you.
564
00:41:25,065 --> 00:41:26,941
[SQUEAKING]
565
00:41:27,193 --> 00:41:32,363
AUDIENCE:
Oh, God! Stop him!
566
00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:36,159
[CHATTERING]
567
00:41:53,552 --> 00:41:56,137
Ten seconds, studio.
568
00:41:57,431 --> 00:41:59,349
WOMAN:
Stop him!
569
00:42:03,562 --> 00:42:07,524
Hello, and welcome to another edition
of It's the Arts.
570
00:42:07,733 --> 00:42:12,070
And we kick off this evening
with a look at the cinema.
571
00:42:12,321 --> 00:42:16,407
One of the most prolific
film directors of this age
or indeed of any age
572
00:42:16,617 --> 00:42:20,161
is Sir Edward Ross, back in
this country for the first
time for five years
573
00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:24,207
to open a season of his films
at the National Film Theatre.
574
00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:27,961
And we are indeed fortunate
to have him with us in
the studio this evening.
575
00:42:28,170 --> 00:42:29,170
Good evening.
576
00:42:29,380 --> 00:42:31,714
Edward, you don't mind
if I call you Edward?
577
00:42:31,924 --> 00:42:34,425
No, not at all.
It does seem to worry some people.
578
00:42:34,635 --> 00:42:38,805
I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps they're
sensitive, so I do take the precaution
of asking on these occasions.
579
00:42:39,014 --> 00:42:42,350
No, no, that's fine.
So, Edward it is. Splendid.
580
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,435
I'm sorry to have
brought it up.
581
00:42:44,645 --> 00:42:45,687
No, no, Edward it is.
582
00:42:45,896 --> 00:42:48,398
Well, thank you very much indeed
for being so helpful.
583
00:42:48,607 --> 00:42:51,276
Only sometimes, it's more
than my job's worth.
584
00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:52,485
Quite.
585
00:42:52,736 --> 00:42:56,531
Makes it rather difficult to
establish a rapport, to put
the other person at his ease.
586
00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:58,324
Quite.
Quite.
587
00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:01,119
Silly little point,
but it does seem to matter.
588
00:43:01,328 --> 00:43:03,663
Still, less said the better.
589
00:43:03,872 --> 00:43:07,292
Ted, when you first went in the film...
You don't mind if I call you Ted?
590
00:43:07,501 --> 00:43:09,877
As opposed to Edward?
No, everyone calls me Ted.
591
00:43:10,087 --> 00:43:12,797
Splendid. Of course,
it's much shorter, isn't it?
592
00:43:13,007 --> 00:43:15,174
Yes, it is.
Much less formal.
593
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:17,093
Yes. Ted, Edward, anything.
594
00:43:17,303 --> 00:43:18,428
Splendid.
595
00:43:18,637 --> 00:43:19,679
Incidentally, do call me Tom.
596
00:43:19,888 --> 00:43:23,808
I don't want you bothering
with any of this Thomas nonsense.
597
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:28,271
Um, where were we? Yes.
Eddie baby, when you first started...
598
00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:32,609
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I don't like being
called Eddie baby.
599
00:43:32,818 --> 00:43:35,528
I beg your pardon?
I don't like being called Eddie baby.
600
00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:38,323
Now get on with the interview.
601
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:42,201
Did I call you Eddie baby?
Yes, you did.
602
00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:45,538
I don't think I called you
Eddie baby. Did I call
him Eddie baby?
603
00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:48,374
CREW:
Yes. Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
604
00:43:48,584 --> 00:43:50,668
I didn't really call you
Eddie baby, did I, sweetie?
605
00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:52,128
Don't call me sweetie!
606
00:43:52,338 --> 00:43:54,172
Can I call you sugarplum?
No!
607
00:43:54,423 --> 00:43:55,465
Pussycat?
No!
608
00:43:56,884 --> 00:44:00,470
Angel drawers?
No, you may not. Now get on with it.
609
00:44:00,721 --> 00:44:02,013
Can I call you Frank?
610
00:44:03,891 --> 00:44:04,891
Why Frank?
611
00:44:05,476 --> 00:44:06,809
Frank's a nice name.
612
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:09,812
President Nixon's got a hedgehog
called Frank. Frank.
613
00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:13,441
What is going on?
Frank, Frankie, Fran, Frannie.
614
00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:15,026
Little Frannie-pooh.
615
00:44:15,235 --> 00:44:16,861
All right, that's it. I'm leaving.
616
00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:19,739
I've had enough of this.
I've never been so insulted.
617
00:44:19,948 --> 00:44:21,908
Tell us about your
latest film, Sir Edward.
618
00:44:22,117 --> 00:44:23,117
What?
619
00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:26,954
Tell us about your latest film,
Sir Edward, if you'd be so kind.
620
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:29,040
None of this pussycat nonsense?
621
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:30,792
Promise.
622
00:44:31,001 --> 00:44:33,169
Please, Sir Edward.
623
00:44:34,380 --> 00:44:36,214
My latest film?
Yes, Sir Edward.
624
00:44:38,008 --> 00:44:42,887
I first had the idea, funnily enough,
when I first joined the industry in 1919.
625
00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:45,723
Of course, in those days,
I was only a tea boy...
626
00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:47,475
Oh, shut up!
627
00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:49,852
MAN:
There he is!
628
00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:53,439
[CHATTERING]
629
00:45:22,094 --> 00:45:23,845
[WHISTLING]
630
00:45:38,277 --> 00:45:41,070
[♪♪♪]
631
00:46:33,749 --> 00:46:36,250
SCRIBBLER:
The room is full of milkmen,
632
00:46:37,252 --> 00:46:41,255
some of whom are...
633
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:46,719
Are very old.
634
00:46:50,516 --> 00:46:55,228
NARRATOR: This man is Ernest Scribbler,
manufacturer of jokes.
635
00:46:55,437 --> 00:46:59,357
In a few moments, he will think of
the funniest joke in the world.
636
00:46:59,566 --> 00:47:04,654
And as a result, he will die laughing.
637
00:47:18,877 --> 00:47:22,505
[LAUGHING]
638
00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:48,906
NARRATOR:
It was obvious the joke was lethal.
639
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:51,534
No one could read it and live.
640
00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:54,954
Scribbler's mother, alarmed
by the unusual sounds of merriment,
641
00:47:55,163 --> 00:48:01,794
entered the room and found what
was, apparently, a suicide note.
642
00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:09,802
[LAUGHING]
643
00:48:17,102 --> 00:48:18,102
[♪♪♪]
644
00:48:30,407 --> 00:48:32,325
ANNOUNCER: Yes, the war against
the Hun continues.
645
00:48:32,576 --> 00:48:34,952
And as Britain's brave boys
battle against the Boche,
646
00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:37,038
their leaders are on the lookout
for new breakthroughs
647
00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:41,417
that could provide the ultimate
weapon in the war against the Hun.
648
00:48:43,545 --> 00:48:45,630
And here, in this little house
in Finchley,
649
00:48:45,839 --> 00:48:47,298
they think maybe they've found it.
650
00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:52,720
It's a joke so deadly that it could have
Fritz's forces falling about.
651
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,273
[MOTORCYCLE STARTS]
652
00:49:05,984 --> 00:49:08,986
NARRATOR: Tests on Salisbury
Plain confirm the joke's
devastating effectiveness
653
00:49:09,196 --> 00:49:13,240
at a range of up to 50 yards.
654
00:49:36,848 --> 00:49:39,767
[LAUGHS]
655
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,355
Fantastic!
656
00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:47,900
All through the winter of '43,
657
00:49:48,110 --> 00:49:51,529
we had translators working
in joke-proof conditions
658
00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:55,700
to try and manufacture
a German version of the joke.
659
00:49:55,909 --> 00:49:59,370
They worked on one word each
for greater safety.
660
00:49:59,579 --> 00:50:01,831
One of them saw two words
by mistake,
661
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,041
and had to spend several
weeks in hospital.
662
00:50:04,251 --> 00:50:06,752
But apart from that, things
went ahead pretty fast,
663
00:50:06,962 --> 00:50:09,255
and by January, we had
the joke in a form
664
00:50:09,464 --> 00:50:11,424
which our troops couldn't
understand
665
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,509
but which the Germans could.
666
00:50:13,969 --> 00:50:16,470
NARRATOR:
So on July the 8th, 1944,
667
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:21,851
the joke was first told
to the enemy in the Ardennes.
668
00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:25,271
Squad, tell the joke!
669
00:50:26,982 --> 00:50:29,817
[YELLING IN GERMAN]
670
00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:44,832
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
671
00:50:46,084 --> 00:50:49,670
[LAUGHING]
672
00:50:52,007 --> 00:50:55,092
NARRATOR:
In action, it was deadly.
673
00:50:56,303 --> 00:50:59,013
[YELLING IN GERMAN]
674
00:51:05,604 --> 00:51:09,440
[LAUGHING]
675
00:51:31,129 --> 00:51:33,130
The German casualties were appalling.
676
00:51:43,308 --> 00:51:46,143
It was a fantastic success,
over 80,000 times as powerful
677
00:51:46,353 --> 00:51:48,562
as Britain's great prewar joke
used at Munich.
678
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:51,273
And one which Hitler couldn't match.
679
00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:52,525
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
680
00:52:01,451 --> 00:52:07,164
I would like to apologise for the rather
poor taste of the previous item.
681
00:52:07,624 --> 00:52:10,918
Um, excuse me, please.
682
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:13,629
[LAUGHING]
683
00:52:21,346 --> 00:52:23,139
[HUMS]
684
00:52:23,765 --> 00:52:24,807
[ENGINE ROARS]
685
00:52:27,561 --> 00:52:29,520
Oh.
686
00:52:31,022 --> 00:52:32,439
[ENGINE ROARS]
687
00:52:36,069 --> 00:52:37,736
Oh.
688
00:52:39,114 --> 00:52:40,739
[ENGINE ROARS]
689
00:52:45,245 --> 00:52:48,080
WOMAN:
Fleet Street, please.
690
00:52:48,290 --> 00:52:50,916
MAN: All right, stay close, stay
together, don't lag behind.
691
00:52:51,126 --> 00:52:56,255
Come on, keep together, everybody.
Remember, watch out for the killer cars.
692
00:52:59,551 --> 00:53:01,218
NARRATOR:
Yes, the killer cars.
693
00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:05,806
For years, the city had been plagued by
ever-increasing pedestrian congestion.
694
00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:11,020
In an attempt to eliminate this problem,
certain fanatical cars,
695
00:53:11,229 --> 00:53:14,899
had taken the law
into their own hands.
696
00:53:15,859 --> 00:53:17,318
[CAR GROWLS]
697
00:53:17,569 --> 00:53:19,862
But the days of the killer cars
were numbered,
698
00:53:20,071 --> 00:53:24,325
thanks to the miracle
of atomic mutation.
699
00:53:24,576 --> 00:53:26,285
[THUMPING]
700
00:53:34,002 --> 00:53:35,920
[CARS GROWLING]
701
00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:39,381
[CAR ENGINES ROARING]
702
00:53:39,591 --> 00:53:42,301
CIVILIAN: Thank you, thank you.
You've saved our city.
703
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:45,596
NARRATOR:
But at what cost?
704
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:49,850
[BELCHES]
705
00:53:50,101 --> 00:53:53,395
MAN: Just then, as it
looked for certain that the
city was about to be eaten,
706
00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:56,982
the earth trembled, and the sun
was blotted out from the sky.
707
00:53:57,192 --> 00:53:58,442
VOICE:
Cripes!
708
00:53:58,652 --> 00:54:01,070
Suddenly, swarms of giant bees
filled the air,
709
00:54:01,279 --> 00:54:05,491
and 300 million armoured horsemen,
covered with coats of 1000 colours
710
00:54:05,700 --> 00:54:08,369
appeared at every corner,
attacking the monster cat
711
00:54:08,578 --> 00:54:12,206
in a scene of such spectacular
proportions that it could
never in your life be seen
712
00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:14,708
in a low-budget film like this.
713
00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:17,002
If you notice, my mouth
isn't moving either.
714
00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:20,381
But just as the monster cat
was starting to weaken,
715
00:54:20,590 --> 00:54:23,050
the earth split apart
with a deafening roar and...
716
00:54:23,551 --> 00:54:25,344
[CAT MEOWS]
717
00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:43,153
[♪♪♪]
718
00:54:47,492 --> 00:54:49,326
[MUSIC SPEEDS UP]
719
00:55:11,099 --> 00:55:14,852
Hello, I wish to
register a complaint.
720
00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:16,854
Hello, miss?
721
00:55:17,063 --> 00:55:18,105
What do you mean, miss?
722
00:55:19,816 --> 00:55:22,943
I'm sorry, I have a cold.
I wish to make a complaint.
723
00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:26,447
Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
724
00:55:26,656 --> 00:55:29,908
Never mind that, my lad.
I wish to complain about this parrot,
725
00:55:30,118 --> 00:55:33,329
what I purchased not
half an hour ago from
this very boutique.
726
00:55:33,538 --> 00:55:36,415
Yes, the Norwegian Blue.
What's wrong with it?
727
00:55:36,624 --> 00:55:38,667
I'll tell you what's wrong
with it, my lad.
728
00:55:38,877 --> 00:55:41,670
It's dead. That's
what's wrong with it.
729
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:44,381
No, no, it's resting. Look.
730
00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:47,217
Look, my lad, I know
a dead parrot when
I see one,
731
00:55:47,427 --> 00:55:49,094
and I'm looking
at one right now.
732
00:55:49,304 --> 00:55:51,597
No, that's not dead.
It's resting.
733
00:55:51,806 --> 00:55:52,931
Resting?
734
00:55:53,141 --> 00:55:55,851
Yeah, resting. Remarkable bird,
the Norwegian Blue.
735
00:55:56,061 --> 00:55:57,061
Beautiful plumage.
736
00:55:57,437 --> 00:56:01,190
The plumage don't
enter into it. It's
stone dead.
737
00:56:01,399 --> 00:56:03,859
No, it's resting.
738
00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:08,364
All right, then. If it's resting,
I'll wake it up.
739
00:56:08,573 --> 00:56:11,575
Hello, Polly!
740
00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:14,536
I've got a nice, fresh
cuttlefish for you
741
00:56:14,746 --> 00:56:17,456
if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot.
There, he moved.
742
00:56:17,665 --> 00:56:19,208
No he didn't. That was you
pushing the cage!
743
00:56:19,417 --> 00:56:21,710
I didn't!
Yes, you did.
744
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:25,214
Hello, Polly!
745
00:56:26,299 --> 00:56:29,676
Wakey-wakey!
746
00:56:29,886 --> 00:56:32,346
Rise and shine!
747
00:56:32,555 --> 00:56:36,809
This is your 9:00 alarm call!
748
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:42,231
Now, that's what I call
a dead parrot.
749
00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:45,776
No, he's stunned.
Stunned!
750
00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:48,320
Yeah, you stunned him
just as he was waking up.
751
00:56:48,822 --> 00:56:51,532
Norwegian Blues stun easily.
Look, my lad, I've had enough of this.
752
00:56:51,741 --> 00:56:54,701
That parrot is definitely
deceased. And when
I bought it,
753
00:56:54,911 --> 00:56:58,455
not half an hour ago,
you assured me that its
total lack of movement
754
00:56:58,665 --> 00:57:03,127
was due to it being tired and
shagged-out after a long squawk.
755
00:57:03,336 --> 00:57:06,171
Well, he's pining for the fjords.
756
00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:11,969
"Pining for the fjords"?
757
00:57:12,178 --> 00:57:14,263
What kind of talk is that?
758
00:57:14,472 --> 00:57:17,933
Look, why did it fall flat
on its back the moment
I got it home?
759
00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:21,687
Well, the Norwegian Blue
prefers kipping on its back.
Beautiful plumage.
760
00:57:21,896 --> 00:57:24,982
Look, I took the liberty
of examining that parrot,
761
00:57:25,191 --> 00:57:26,984
and I discovered
that the only reason
762
00:57:27,193 --> 00:57:29,862
that it had been sitting on
its perch in the first place
763
00:57:30,071 --> 00:57:33,073
was that it had been nailed there.
764
00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:34,741
Oh, but of course it
was nailed there.
765
00:57:34,951 --> 00:57:39,163
If I hadn't nailed it there, it would have
muscled up to those bars and voom!
766
00:57:39,873 --> 00:57:41,957
Look here, mate.
767
00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:46,795
This parrot wouldn't voom
if you put 4000 volts through it.
768
00:57:47,005 --> 00:57:50,132
It's bleeding demised.
769
00:57:50,341 --> 00:57:52,050
No, it's pining.
770
00:57:52,260 --> 00:57:57,139
It's not pining. It's passed on.
771
00:57:57,348 --> 00:58:02,019
This parrot is no more.
It has ceased to be.
772
00:58:02,228 --> 00:58:08,692
It's expired and gone to see
its maker. This is a late parrot.
773
00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:14,323
It's a stiff, bereft of life.
It rests in peace.
774
00:58:14,532 --> 00:58:18,535
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,
it would be pushing up the daisies.
775
00:58:18,745 --> 00:58:22,331
It's rung down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible.
776
00:58:22,874 --> 00:58:28,837
This is an ex-parrot.
777
00:58:30,089 --> 00:58:32,466
Well, I better replace it, then.
778
00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:34,218
If you wanna get anything
done in this country,
779
00:58:34,427 --> 00:58:37,596
you've got to complain
until you're blue in the mouth.
780
00:58:37,805 --> 00:58:39,848
I've had a look.
We're right out of parrots.
781
00:58:40,099 --> 00:58:41,975
I see. I get the picture.
782
00:58:43,728 --> 00:58:44,728
I've got a slug.
783
00:58:46,439 --> 00:58:47,439
Does it talk?
784
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:50,609
Not really.
785
00:58:50,818 --> 00:58:54,446
Well, it's scarcely a
replacement, then, is it?
786
00:58:56,783 --> 00:59:00,536
Listen, I didn't wanna
work in a pet shop.
787
00:59:00,745 --> 00:59:02,120
I wanted to be a lumberjack.
788
00:59:06,042 --> 00:59:07,751
I'm sorry, this is
irrelevant, isn't it?
789
00:59:08,461 --> 00:59:11,922
Yes, a lumberjack leaping
from tree to tree
790
00:59:12,131 --> 00:59:15,133
as they float down the mighty rivers
of British Columbia.
791
00:59:15,343 --> 00:59:17,636
The giant redwood!
792
00:59:17,845 --> 00:59:19,721
The larch!
793
00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:21,181
The fir!
794
00:59:21,391 --> 00:59:23,475
The mighty Scot's pine!
795
00:59:23,685 --> 00:59:25,394
CUSTOMER:
What about my bloody parrot?
796
00:59:25,603 --> 00:59:28,355
The smell of fresh-cut timber!
797
00:59:28,565 --> 00:59:31,191
The crash of mighty trees!
798
00:59:31,609 --> 00:59:34,820
With my best girl by my side,
799
00:59:35,572 --> 00:59:40,409
we'd sing, sing, sing!
800
00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:42,953
♪ I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay ♪
801
00:59:43,162 --> 00:59:45,789
♪ I sleep all night and I work all day ♪
802
00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:48,000
♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪
803
00:59:48,209 --> 00:59:50,627
♪ He sleeps all night
and he works all day ♪
804
00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:55,674
♪ I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory ♪
805
00:59:55,883 --> 01:00:00,846
♪ On Wednesday I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea ♪
806
01:00:01,097 --> 01:00:06,143
♪ He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatory ♪
807
01:00:06,352 --> 01:00:11,565
♪ On Wednesday he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea ♪
808
01:00:11,774 --> 01:00:14,192
♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪
809
01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:16,903
♪ He sleeps all night
and he works all day ♪
810
01:00:17,113 --> 01:00:19,573
♪ I cut down trees
I skip and jump ♪
811
01:00:19,782 --> 01:00:22,117
♪ I like to press wild flowers ♪
812
01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:27,623
♪ I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars ♪
813
01:00:27,874 --> 01:00:30,250
♪ He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps ♪
814
01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:32,711
♪ He likes to press wild flowers ♪
815
01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:38,258
♪ He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars ♪
816
01:00:38,468 --> 01:00:40,761
♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪
817
01:00:40,970 --> 01:00:43,430
♪ He sleeps all night
and he works all day ♪
818
01:00:43,681 --> 01:00:46,266
♪ I cut down trees
I wear high heels ♪
819
01:00:46,476 --> 01:00:48,852
♪ Suspenders and a bra ♪
820
01:00:49,062 --> 01:00:54,232
♪ I wish I'd been a girly
Just like my dear papa ♪
821
01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:57,069
♪ He cuts down trees,
he wears high heels ♪
822
01:00:57,278 --> 01:00:59,780
♪ Suspenders and a bra ♪
823
01:00:59,989 --> 01:01:05,410
♪ I wish I'd been a girly
Just like my dear papa ♪
824
01:01:05,620 --> 01:01:11,875
Oh, Bevis! And I thought
you were so butch!
825
01:01:12,335 --> 01:01:15,295
[MEN YELLING]
826
01:01:24,472 --> 01:01:26,431
And now for something
completely different.
827
01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:37,234
Hello, darling, sorry I'm so late.
That's all right, darling.
828
01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:41,363
I'm 20 minutes late myself.
Let's not start worrying about that yet.
829
01:01:41,572 --> 01:01:43,865
It's nice here, isn't it?
Oh, yes. It's a very good restaurant.
830
01:01:44,075 --> 01:01:45,325
Five stars, you know.
Oh, really?
831
01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:47,703
Oh, yes. Terrific reputation.
Good evening, madame.
832
01:01:47,912 --> 01:01:49,496
Good evening.
Good evening, sir.
833
01:01:49,706 --> 01:01:50,706
Fine, thank you.
834
01:01:50,915 --> 01:01:53,417
May I say, what a pleasure
it is to see you here again, sir.
835
01:01:53,626 --> 01:01:57,212
Thank you. Apparently,
the Bœuf en Croûte is fantastic.
836
01:01:57,422 --> 01:02:00,090
If I may recommend, sir,
the Faisan à la Reine.
837
01:02:00,299 --> 01:02:03,593
The sauce is one of the chef's
most famous creations.
838
01:02:03,803 --> 01:02:05,387
That sounds very good.
Sounds lovely.
839
01:02:05,596 --> 01:02:09,808
Anyway, darling, have a look
at the menu. See what
you want. Take your time.
840
01:02:10,017 --> 01:02:14,229
By the way, I've got a bit of a
dirty fork. Could you get me
another one, please? Thank you.
841
01:02:14,439 --> 01:02:15,772
I beg your pardon?
842
01:02:15,982 --> 01:02:18,567
I've got a bit of a dirty fork. Could
you get me another one, please?
843
01:02:18,776 --> 01:02:20,694
Oh, sir, I do apologise.
844
01:02:20,903 --> 01:02:22,237
No need to apologise.
It doesn't worry me.
845
01:02:22,447 --> 01:02:24,656
Oh, no, I do apologise, sir.
846
01:02:24,866 --> 01:02:27,492
I will fetch the headwaiter
immédiatement.
847
01:02:27,702 --> 01:02:29,578
No, no, please.
No need to do that.
848
01:02:29,787 --> 01:02:32,414
No, no. I feel sure
the headwaiter,
849
01:02:32,623 --> 01:02:35,876
he will want to apologise to you
himself, personally.
850
01:02:36,085 --> 01:02:40,756
I cannot think how this has happened.
I will fetch him at once.
851
01:02:41,382 --> 01:02:43,925
Well, you certainly get good
service here, don't you?
852
01:02:44,135 --> 01:02:46,052
Yes, they really look
after you here.
853
01:02:46,262 --> 01:02:48,722
WOMAN:
It all looks delicious.
854
01:02:50,183 --> 01:02:53,393
Excuse me, sir and madame.
855
01:02:54,103 --> 01:02:56,188
This is filthy. Who the
hell washed it up?
856
01:02:56,397 --> 01:02:59,274
Giuseppe, find out who
washed this up and give
them their cards immediately.
857
01:02:59,484 --> 01:03:02,152
No, no, I tell you, we can't afford
to take any chances!
858
01:03:02,361 --> 01:03:06,364
Sack the entire washing-up staff!
Please, I don't want to cause any trouble.
859
01:03:06,574 --> 01:03:10,368
No, please. It's quite right that you
bring this sort of thing to our attention.
860
01:03:10,578 --> 01:03:13,955
Giuseppe! Ring the manager and tell
him what has happened immediately!
861
01:03:14,165 --> 01:03:17,334
Please. I don't want to make any fuss.
Please. There's no fuss.
862
01:03:17,543 --> 01:03:20,837
We simply wish to ensure that nothing
interferes with your complete
863
01:03:21,088 --> 01:03:22,214
enjoyment of the meal.
864
01:03:22,423 --> 01:03:25,425
Well, I'm sure it won't.
It was only a dirty fork.
865
01:03:25,635 --> 01:03:31,640
I know, and I'm sorry. Bitterly sorry.
But I know that nothing I can
866
01:03:31,849 --> 01:03:35,060
say can alter the fact
that in this restaurant,
867
01:03:35,269 --> 01:03:39,815
you have been given a dirty,
filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.
868
01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:43,568
It wasn't smelly.
It is smelly and obscene and disgusting.
869
01:03:43,778 --> 01:03:45,445
And I hate it, I hate it!
That's enough, Gilberto!
870
01:03:45,655 --> 01:03:47,239
Dirty, nasty.
Gilberto!
871
01:03:50,201 --> 01:03:52,202
Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madame.
872
01:03:52,411 --> 01:03:57,415
I'm the manager, and I've only just
heard what's happened. May I sit down?
873
01:03:57,625 --> 01:03:59,918
Yes, yes, of course.
874
01:04:01,712 --> 01:04:08,134
I want to apologise humbly,
deeply and sincerely about the fork.
875
01:04:08,344 --> 01:04:11,972
No, no, really, it was only a
tiny piece of dirt. I mean, you
could hardly see it anyway.
876
01:04:12,181 --> 01:04:16,893
Oh, you're good, kind,
fine people for saying that.
877
01:04:17,103 --> 01:04:23,525
But I can see it. To me, it's like
a boulder. A vast bowl of pus.
878
01:04:24,569 --> 01:04:25,861
Oh, it's not that bad.
879
01:04:26,070 --> 01:04:32,534
No! It gets me here. I can't give you
any excuses. There are no excuses.
880
01:04:32,743 --> 01:04:36,037
I've been meaning to spend more time
in the restaurant, but I haven't been
881
01:04:36,247 --> 01:04:40,292
too well recently, and things have
been going very badly back there.
882
01:04:40,501 --> 01:04:43,044
Poor old Mrs. Dalrymple,
who prepares the salad,
883
01:04:43,296 --> 01:04:45,672
can hardly move
her poor swollen fingers.
884
01:04:45,882 --> 01:04:49,384
And then, of course,
there's Gilberto's war wound.
885
01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:52,512
But they're good people,
and they're fine people.
886
01:04:52,722 --> 01:04:56,099
And together, we were beginning
to get over this bad patch.
887
01:04:56,309 --> 01:04:59,644
There was light
at the end of the tunnel,
888
01:04:59,854 --> 01:05:05,025
when this...
When this happened!
889
01:05:05,234 --> 01:05:09,362
Can I get you some water?
It's the end of the road!
890
01:05:11,991 --> 01:05:14,534
You bastards!
891
01:05:14,744 --> 01:05:15,785
You mean us?
892
01:05:15,995 --> 01:05:20,624
You vicious, heartless bastards!
893
01:05:21,500 --> 01:05:23,335
Look what you've done to him!
894
01:05:23,544 --> 01:05:27,756
He's worked his fingers to the bone
to make this place what it is,
895
01:05:27,965 --> 01:05:34,596
and you come in here with your
petty, vicious, heartless quibbling
896
01:05:34,805 --> 01:05:39,142
and you grind him into the dirt!
897
01:05:40,770 --> 01:05:47,275
This fine, honourable man,
whose boots you are not worthy to kiss.
898
01:05:50,529 --> 01:05:55,116
Oh, it makes me mad!
899
01:05:57,244 --> 01:06:00,789
[GROANS]
900
01:06:03,334 --> 01:06:05,210
Easy, Mungo. Easy!
901
01:06:05,419 --> 01:06:08,380
Stark staring mad!
902
01:06:08,589 --> 01:06:11,341
No, Mungo! Oh, the wound.
903
01:06:11,550 --> 01:06:14,135
They've destroyed him!
904
01:06:14,345 --> 01:06:18,682
It's the end! The end!
905
01:06:19,100 --> 01:06:21,309
He's dead!
906
01:06:21,519 --> 01:06:26,022
They killed him! Revenge!
907
01:06:26,232 --> 01:06:27,774
Revenge!
908
01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:33,738
No, Mungo! Never kill a customer!
Oh, the wound again!
909
01:06:42,540 --> 01:06:44,791
Lucky I didn't tell him
about the dirty knife.
910
01:06:50,256 --> 01:06:52,799
[♪♪♪]
911
01:06:56,220 --> 01:07:00,432
[♪ FLUTE PLAYS ♪]
912
01:07:13,904 --> 01:07:15,905
[ENGINE ROARS]
913
01:07:23,164 --> 01:07:24,789
[CLEARS THROAT]
914
01:07:25,291 --> 01:07:27,333
Good morning, I am a bank robber.
915
01:07:27,543 --> 01:07:30,545
Please don't panic,
just hand over all the money.
916
01:07:30,755 --> 01:07:33,339
This is a lingerie shop, sir.
917
01:07:38,095 --> 01:07:41,973
Fine, fine. Um...
918
01:07:43,601 --> 01:07:46,061
Adopt, adapt and improve.
919
01:07:47,938 --> 01:07:49,105
Well, what have you got?
920
01:07:49,315 --> 01:07:52,025
We've got corsets, stockings,
suspender belts, tights,
921
01:07:52,234 --> 01:07:55,695
bras, slips, petticoats,
knickers, socks and garters, sir.
922
01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:58,448
Fine, fine, fine.
923
01:08:00,701 --> 01:08:02,744
No large quantities
of money in safes?
924
01:08:02,953 --> 01:08:05,580
No, sir.
925
01:08:05,790 --> 01:08:11,503
No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags?
No, sir.
926
01:08:11,712 --> 01:08:14,297
Fine, fine.
927
01:08:19,220 --> 01:08:21,304
[SIGHS]
928
01:08:23,516 --> 01:08:25,391
Well, just a pair of
panties, then, please.
929
01:08:35,236 --> 01:08:37,487
And now for something
completely different.
930
01:08:42,618 --> 01:08:45,995
Hey, did you see that?
931
01:08:46,205 --> 01:08:47,205
Hm?
932
01:08:47,414 --> 01:08:50,875
Did you see something
go past the window?
933
01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:52,794
What?
Somebody just went past
934
01:08:53,003 --> 01:08:55,213
that window, downwards.
935
01:08:55,422 --> 01:08:58,466
Oh.
Oh.
936
01:09:00,010 --> 01:09:02,095
Another one!
937
01:09:02,888 --> 01:09:03,888
Hm?
938
01:09:04,098 --> 01:09:06,307
Another one
just went past, downwards.
939
01:09:07,601 --> 01:09:08,768
What?
940
01:09:08,978 --> 01:09:11,271
Two people have
just fallen past that window.
941
01:09:12,940 --> 01:09:14,440
Fine, fine.
942
01:09:14,650 --> 01:09:19,821
Look, two people, three people
have just fallen past that window.
943
01:09:22,074 --> 01:09:23,992
Must be a board meeting.
944
01:09:24,201 --> 01:09:25,994
Oh, yeah.
945
01:09:26,620 --> 01:09:28,913
That was Wilkins of finance.
946
01:09:29,123 --> 01:09:30,540
No, that was Robertson.
947
01:09:30,749 --> 01:09:32,542
Wilkins.
948
01:09:32,751 --> 01:09:34,419
It was Robertson.
Wilkins.
949
01:09:34,628 --> 01:09:36,588
It was Robertson.
950
01:09:36,797 --> 01:09:39,591
That was Wilkins.
Oh, yeah.
951
01:09:39,800 --> 01:09:41,509
It'll be Parkinson next.
952
01:09:41,719 --> 01:09:43,136
Bet you it won't.
953
01:09:43,345 --> 01:09:45,180
How much?
954
01:09:45,681 --> 01:09:48,308
What?
How much do you bet it won't?
955
01:09:48,517 --> 01:09:50,685
Fiver?
Yeah, all right.
956
01:09:50,895 --> 01:09:52,896
Right, done. You're on.
957
01:09:53,105 --> 01:09:55,273
Parkinson next.
958
01:09:57,776 --> 01:09:59,110
Come on, Parky!
959
01:09:59,320 --> 01:10:01,196
Don't be silly, Parky!
Come on, Parky!
960
01:10:01,405 --> 01:10:03,364
Don't be stupid, man.
Come on, lad, jump!
961
01:10:03,574 --> 01:10:06,492
MAN: Dear sir, I would like to
complain about that last scene
962
01:10:06,744 --> 01:10:09,078
about people
falling out of high buildings.
963
01:10:09,288 --> 01:10:15,168
I myself have worked all my life in such
a building and have never once...
964
01:10:15,377 --> 01:10:17,378
[SCREAMS]
965
01:10:20,716 --> 01:10:22,675
[♪♪♪]
966
01:10:23,510 --> 01:10:25,803
[MUTTERING]
967
01:10:55,459 --> 01:10:59,545
[SNORING]
968
01:11:08,764 --> 01:11:10,765
[ALARM SOUNDS]
969
01:11:11,183 --> 01:11:13,434
[♪♪♪]
970
01:11:22,403 --> 01:11:25,029
[MUTTERING]
971
01:11:25,239 --> 01:11:27,824
MAN:
Psst. All clear.
972
01:11:29,952 --> 01:11:32,412
[MUMBLING]
973
01:11:36,834 --> 01:11:48,761
♪ Vocational guidance counsellor ♪
974
01:11:51,348 --> 01:11:54,600
MAN:
Ah, Mr. Anchovy.
975
01:11:54,810 --> 01:11:56,811
Do sit down.
Thank you.
976
01:11:57,021 --> 01:12:00,648
Takes the weight off the feet, eh?
Yes.
977
01:12:00,858 --> 01:12:02,734
Lovely weather for the
time of year, I must say.
978
01:12:02,943 --> 01:12:04,235
Enough of this gay banter.
979
01:12:04,445 --> 01:12:08,865
Now, Mr. Anchovy, you asked
us to advise you which job in
life you were best suited for.
980
01:12:09,074 --> 01:12:11,367
That is correct.
Well, I have the results here
981
01:12:11,577 --> 01:12:15,288
of all the interviews and
the aptitude tests that you took
last week, and from them
982
01:12:15,497 --> 01:12:19,500
we've built up a pretty
clear impression of the sort
of person that you are.
983
01:12:19,710 --> 01:12:22,253
And I think I can say
without fear of contradiction
984
01:12:22,463 --> 01:12:25,757
that the ideal job for you
is accountancy.
985
01:12:25,966 --> 01:12:27,759
But I am an accountant.
Jolly good.
986
01:12:27,968 --> 01:12:30,636
Well, back to the
office with you, then.
987
01:12:30,846 --> 01:12:32,555
No, no. You don't understand.
988
01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:36,142
I've been an accountant
for the last 20 years, but
I want a new job.
989
01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:38,311
Something exciting
that will let me live!
990
01:12:38,520 --> 01:12:40,730
But accountancy is
quite exciting, isn't it?
991
01:12:40,939 --> 01:12:46,361
Exciting! No, it's not.
It's dull, dull, dull.
992
01:12:46,570 --> 01:12:48,905
My God, it's dull!
993
01:12:49,114 --> 01:12:52,909
It's so deadly dull
and tedious and stuffy
994
01:12:53,118 --> 01:12:56,412
and boring and desperately dull.
995
01:12:56,622 --> 01:12:59,165
I can't stand it any longer.
I want to live.
996
01:12:59,375 --> 01:13:02,752
Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but
you see, in your report here,
997
01:13:02,961 --> 01:13:07,131
it says that you are
an extremely dull person.
998
01:13:07,341 --> 01:13:11,636
Our experts describe you as
"an appallingly dull fellow,
999
01:13:11,845 --> 01:13:16,391
unimaginative, timid,
spineless, easily dominated,
1000
01:13:16,600 --> 01:13:21,437
no sense of humour,
tedious company and
irrepressibly drab and awful."
1001
01:13:21,647 --> 01:13:24,565
And whereas in most
professions these would be
considerable drawbacks,
1002
01:13:24,817 --> 01:13:26,734
in accountancy,
they are a positive boon.
1003
01:13:26,944 --> 01:13:30,738
Yes, but don't you see? I'm
only as awful as this because
accountancy does this to people.
1004
01:13:30,948 --> 01:13:33,199
Can't you help me?
1005
01:13:33,450 --> 01:13:35,785
Well, do you have any idea
of what you want to be?
1006
01:13:35,994 --> 01:13:38,496
Yes, yes, I have.
What is it?
1007
01:13:38,705 --> 01:13:41,165
A lion tamer!
1008
01:13:43,335 --> 01:13:48,548
Yes. It's a bit of a jump,
isn't it? Accountancy to
lion taming in one go.
1009
01:13:48,757 --> 01:13:53,219
You don't think to work
your way towards lion
taming, say, via banking
1010
01:13:53,429 --> 01:13:55,430
or insurance?
No, no. I don't want to wait.
1011
01:13:55,639 --> 01:13:58,266
I want to start immediately.
Tomorrow morning at 9,
1012
01:13:58,475 --> 01:14:00,309
I want to be in there, taming.
1013
01:14:00,519 --> 01:14:03,729
Yes, but what
qualifications do you have?
1014
01:14:03,939 --> 01:14:05,565
I've got a hat.
1015
01:14:05,774 --> 01:14:07,316
A hat?
Yes, a lion-taming hat.
1016
01:14:07,526 --> 01:14:11,612
A hat with "lion tamer" written on
it. It lights up saying, "lion tamer,"
in big, red, neon letters
1017
01:14:11,864 --> 01:14:14,657
so you can tame them after dark
when they're less stroppy.
1018
01:14:14,867 --> 01:14:17,493
I see.
During the day, you can switch it off,
1019
01:14:17,703 --> 01:14:20,997
and you can claim it as
reasonable wear and tear under
allowable professional expenses.
1020
01:14:21,206 --> 01:14:22,957
Under Paragraph 335...
1021
01:14:23,167 --> 01:14:27,920
Yes, I follow. But you see, the
snag is, if I now call the circus
and say to them:
1022
01:14:28,130 --> 01:14:30,423
"Look here, I've got
a 45-year-old accountant
1023
01:14:30,632 --> 01:14:32,717
with me who wants
to become a lion tamer",
1024
01:14:32,926 --> 01:14:37,013
their first question is not
going to be, " Does he have
his own hat?"
1025
01:14:37,222 --> 01:14:41,434
They're more likely to
ask what experience
you've had with lions.
1026
01:14:41,643 --> 01:14:44,187
Well, I've seen them at the zoo.
Good.
1027
01:14:44,396 --> 01:14:49,108
Yes, little, brown, furry
creatures with short, stumpy
legs and great, long noses.
1028
01:14:49,318 --> 01:14:51,611
I could tame one of those.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
1029
01:14:51,820 --> 01:14:54,280
They look pretty tame to start with.
1030
01:14:54,490 --> 01:14:57,241
And these lions,
how high are they?
1031
01:14:57,451 --> 01:15:00,870
Oh, about so high.
They don't frighten me at all.
1032
01:15:01,079 --> 01:15:05,708
And do these lions eat ants?
Yes, that's right.
1033
01:15:07,002 --> 01:15:11,756
Well, I'm afraid what
you've got hold of there,
Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater.
1034
01:15:11,965 --> 01:15:15,051
A what?
An anteater, not a lion.
1035
01:15:15,260 --> 01:15:19,555
You see, a lion is a huge, savage beast
about 10 foot long, 5 foot high,
1036
01:15:19,765 --> 01:15:24,810
with masses of sharp, pointy teeth
and nasty, long, razor-sharp claws.
1037
01:15:25,020 --> 01:15:26,854
It looks like this:
1038
01:15:27,064 --> 01:15:28,523
[SCREAMS]
1039
01:15:28,732 --> 01:15:30,900
Now, shall I call the circus?
No!
1040
01:15:31,109 --> 01:15:37,490
No. No. I like your idea of
making the move to lion
taming by easy stages,
1041
01:15:37,699 --> 01:15:40,660
say, via insurance or banking.
1042
01:15:40,869 --> 01:15:43,746
Banking, yes, banking.
I see it. It's a man's
life, isn't it?
1043
01:15:43,956 --> 01:15:49,669
Travel, excitement, decisions
affecting people's
lives, romance, thrills.
1044
01:15:49,878 --> 01:15:52,797
I'll put you in touch with a bank.
Yes.
1045
01:15:54,341 --> 01:15:58,135
Probably. Probably, you
know. I'd like a couple
days to think about it,
1046
01:15:58,345 --> 01:15:59,887
because it is a big decision.
1047
01:16:00,097 --> 01:16:02,557
Or maybe a week at most,
you know, but I do want
1048
01:16:02,766 --> 01:16:06,561
to make this decision to be
the right one. I'd like to
do banking, obviously, but...
1049
01:16:06,770 --> 01:16:10,982
It's sad, isn't it? But this is what
accountancy does to people.
1050
01:16:11,191 --> 01:16:14,986
The only way we can fight
this terrible, debilitating
social disease...
1051
01:16:15,195 --> 01:16:18,406
I only want to be famous!
I only want to see
my name in lights!
1052
01:16:18,615 --> 01:16:21,659
And so you shall.
1053
01:16:29,042 --> 01:16:30,751
MAN:
Cue.
1054
01:16:31,461 --> 01:16:33,671
[♪♪♪]
1055
01:16:36,883 --> 01:16:39,093
Hello, good evening
and welcome to Blackmail.
1056
01:16:39,303 --> 01:16:42,555
To start tonight's program,
we go north to Preston
1057
01:16:42,806 --> 01:16:45,141
in Lancashire and Mrs. Betty Teal.
1058
01:16:46,852 --> 01:16:48,185
Hello, Mrs. Teal.
1059
01:16:48,395 --> 01:16:52,607
Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for £15,
and it's to stop us from revealing
1060
01:16:52,816 --> 01:16:55,192
the name of your lover in Bolton.
1061
01:16:55,402 --> 01:16:59,655
So, Mrs. Teal, send us £15 by return of
post please, and your husband Trevor
1062
01:16:59,865 --> 01:17:03,326
and your lovely children, Diane,
Janice and Julian, need never know
1063
01:17:03,535 --> 01:17:07,079
the name of your lover in Bolton.
1064
01:17:12,753 --> 01:17:17,590
And now a letter, a series of photographs
and a hotel registration book
1065
01:17:17,799 --> 01:17:21,302
which could add up to divorce,
premature retirement and possible
1066
01:17:21,553 --> 01:17:24,555
criminal proceedings for
a company director in Bromsgrove.
1067
01:17:24,765 --> 01:17:26,682
He's a Freemason
and a conservative MP.
1068
01:17:26,892 --> 01:17:30,603
So, Mr. S of Bromsgrove,
that's £3000, please,
1069
01:17:30,812 --> 01:17:34,940
to stop us revealing your name, the
name of the three other people involved,
1070
01:17:35,150 --> 01:17:37,443
the youth organization
to which they belong,
1071
01:17:37,694 --> 01:17:39,945
and the shop where
you bought the equipment.
1072
01:17:47,704 --> 01:17:51,332
Well, we'll be showing you more of that
photograph later in the program,
1073
01:17:51,541 --> 01:17:54,710
unless we hear
from Charles or Michael.
1074
01:17:54,920 --> 01:17:56,962
Now it's time for our Stop the Film spot.
1075
01:17:58,382 --> 01:18:01,592
The rules are simple. We
have taken a film which
contains compromising
1076
01:18:01,802 --> 01:18:05,930
scenes and unpleasant details
which could wreck a man's career.
1077
01:18:06,139 --> 01:18:09,308
But the victim may phone me
at any time and stop the film.
1078
01:18:09,518 --> 01:18:12,520
But don't forget, the money
increases as the film goes on.
1079
01:18:12,729 --> 01:18:15,523
So the longer you leave it,
the more you have to pay.
1080
01:18:15,732 --> 01:18:20,486
So with the clock at £300, this
week's Stop the Film visited Stansted.
1081
01:18:20,904 --> 01:18:22,988
[♪♪♪]
1082
01:19:13,623 --> 01:19:15,458
He's a very brave man.
1083
01:19:20,714 --> 01:19:21,964
[PHONE RINGS]
1084
01:19:22,215 --> 01:19:26,427
No, sir. No. I'm sure you didn't, sir.
1085
01:19:26,636 --> 01:19:30,055
No, that's all right. We don't morally
censure. We just want the money.
1086
01:19:30,265 --> 01:19:32,516
And here's the address to send it to.
1087
01:19:37,063 --> 01:19:40,357
Thank you, sir.
1088
01:19:41,735 --> 01:19:46,822
Ah, there you are.
Well, that's quite enough of that.
1089
01:19:47,032 --> 01:19:49,074
And now...
1090
01:19:51,953 --> 01:19:56,874
"A local civic group re-enacts
a famous scene from history.
1091
01:19:57,083 --> 01:20:01,337
This week, the Townswomen's Guild
of Sheffield in Yorkshire."
1092
01:20:01,546 --> 01:20:03,422
MAN:
Miss Rita Fairbanks, you organised
1093
01:20:03,673 --> 01:20:06,801
this representation
of the Battle of Pearl Harbour. Why?
1094
01:20:07,010 --> 01:20:10,930
Well, we've always been extremely
interested in modern works.
1095
01:20:11,139 --> 01:20:15,601
We were the first Townswomen's
Guild to perform Camp on Blood Island.
1096
01:20:15,811 --> 01:20:18,938
And, of course, last year
we did our extremely popular
1097
01:20:19,189 --> 01:20:21,357
re-enactment of Nazi war atrocities.
1098
01:20:21,566 --> 01:20:24,652
So this year, we thought we'd do
something in a much lighter vein.
1099
01:20:24,861 --> 01:20:28,739
MAN: I can see you're all ready to go, so
I'll wish you luck in your latest venture,
1100
01:20:28,949 --> 01:20:30,366
the Battle of Pearl Harbour.
1101
01:20:30,575 --> 01:20:33,577
Thank you very much
indeed, young man.
1102
01:20:33,787 --> 01:20:35,204
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
1103
01:20:35,956 --> 01:20:37,915
[YELLING]
1104
01:20:56,476 --> 01:20:59,061
[MOANING]
1105
01:21:02,649 --> 01:21:05,109
Brian!
Oh, Elspeth!
1106
01:21:06,570 --> 01:21:11,031
Oh, Brian!
Oh, Elspeth.
1107
01:21:11,324 --> 01:21:14,785
Oh, Brian.
Oh, Elspeth.
1108
01:21:15,662 --> 01:21:19,290
Be gentle with me.
1109
01:21:19,666 --> 01:21:21,792
[♪♪♪]
1110
01:21:51,489 --> 01:21:54,658
Oh, Brian! Are you
going to do anything, or
are you just going to
1111
01:21:54,868 --> 01:21:57,786
show me films all evening?
Just one more, dear.
1112
01:22:02,709 --> 01:22:04,835
[♪♪♪]
1113
01:22:09,090 --> 01:22:11,592
ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon
and welcome to Banby Park.
1114
01:22:11,801 --> 01:22:15,596
You join us as the competitors are
running out onto the field on this lovely
1115
01:22:15,847 --> 01:22:19,558
winter's afternoon, with the going firm
underfoot and little sign of rain.
1116
01:22:19,768 --> 01:22:23,479
And it looks as though we're in for
a splendid afternoon sport, on this
1117
01:22:23,688 --> 01:22:26,231
127th Upper-Class
Twit of the Year show.
1118
01:22:26,441 --> 01:22:30,110
And there's a big crowd here today
to see these prize idiots in action.
1119
01:22:30,320 --> 01:22:33,989
Vivien Smith-Smythe-Smith.
He's in the Grenadier Guards
and he can count up to four.
1120
01:22:34,199 --> 01:22:36,492
Simon Zinc-Trumpet-Harris.
He's an old Etonian,
1121
01:22:36,743 --> 01:22:38,786
and married to a very
attractive table lamp.
1122
01:22:38,995 --> 01:22:41,538
Nigel Incubator-Jones.
His best friend is a tree,
1123
01:22:41,790 --> 01:22:44,083
and in his spare time,
he's a stockbroker.
1124
01:22:44,292 --> 01:22:46,585
Gervaise Brook-Hamster.
He's in the wine trade,
1125
01:22:46,836 --> 01:22:49,296
and his father uses him
as a wastepaper basket.
1126
01:22:49,506 --> 01:22:52,383
And finally, Oliver St. John Mollest,
another old Etonian.
1127
01:22:52,592 --> 01:22:55,552
His father was Cabinet minister,
and his mother won the derby,
1128
01:22:55,804 --> 01:22:58,389
and he's thought by many to be
this year's outstanding twit.
1129
01:22:58,598 --> 01:23:01,892
Now the twits are moving up to
the starting line, and any moment now,
1130
01:23:02,143 --> 01:23:04,019
they'll be under starter's orders.
1131
01:23:04,229 --> 01:23:07,690
I'm afraid they're facing the wrong
way at the moment, but the
starter will soon sort this out.
1132
01:23:07,899 --> 01:23:10,275
And any moment now,
they're going to have the big off.
1133
01:23:10,485 --> 01:23:12,695
This is always a tense moment...
1134
01:23:12,904 --> 01:23:13,904
[GUN FIRES]
1135
01:23:14,114 --> 01:23:15,364
And they're off!
1136
01:23:15,573 --> 01:23:18,784
No, no, they're not. They didn't realise
they had to start when the gun went.
1137
01:23:18,994 --> 01:23:20,661
Never mind, I think
the starter's explained to them now.
1138
01:23:20,870 --> 01:23:24,832
Yes, several of them are beginning
to point, and they're off again.
1139
01:23:25,041 --> 01:23:28,335
This time, yes, a really fast start.
It's Vivien going straight to the lead.
1140
01:23:28,545 --> 01:23:32,673
Oliver is running round wide to the right.
Where's he going? There he is.
And to the left, picking up the line.
1141
01:23:32,882 --> 01:23:36,260
There we are and into the first event,
which is Walking Along the Straight Line.
1142
01:23:36,469 --> 01:23:38,679
The twits have to walk along
these lines without falling over.
1143
01:23:38,888 --> 01:23:41,223
This is Oliver's worst event.
He's having a little trouble in the back.
1144
01:23:41,433 --> 01:23:44,351
Simon's coming through fast.
Nigel's coming through. Vivien.
And now Oliver's over.
1145
01:23:44,602 --> 01:23:47,062
Oliver's over at the back.
Never mind. He'll get
up and have another go.
1146
01:23:47,272 --> 01:23:50,232
He's a great fighter, this lad.
He's having... Oh, dear. Never mind.
1147
01:23:50,442 --> 01:23:52,067
We're coming to the second event,
the Matchbox Jump.
1148
01:23:52,277 --> 01:23:54,403
Two rows of matchboxes
for the twits to clear.
1149
01:23:54,612 --> 01:23:57,781
Nigel's over, and Simon's over.
A wonderful jump! And Vivien...
1150
01:23:57,991 --> 01:23:59,033
Vivien has refused!
1151
01:23:59,242 --> 01:24:01,201
And now it's Kicking the Beggar.
1152
01:24:01,411 --> 01:24:03,162
And Nigel to put the brogue in there.
1153
01:24:03,371 --> 01:24:07,082
Beautifully placed. Another one and the
beggar is down, and the crowd loves that.
1154
01:24:07,292 --> 01:24:09,668
Here, it's Oliver.
He hasn't cleared the jump yet.
1155
01:24:09,878 --> 01:24:11,962
He's having a little trouble
with the old brain problem.
1156
01:24:12,172 --> 01:24:15,424
If only his father understood.
Now it's Running Over the Old Lady.
1157
01:24:15,633 --> 01:24:18,510
It's Simon in the lead, and
he's got her right in the midriff.
1158
01:24:18,720 --> 01:24:20,763
Accelerating forward now.
Back to Oliver.
1159
01:24:20,972 --> 01:24:22,431
Oh, he's magnificent, this man.
1160
01:24:22,640 --> 01:24:24,892
He doesn't know when he's beaten.
He doesn't know when he's winning.
1161
01:24:25,101 --> 01:24:29,396
He has no sort of sensory apparatus
known to man. Sad. Good luck, Oliver.
1162
01:24:29,606 --> 01:24:32,149
Now it's Waking the Neighbour.
Simon's there at the front of the field,
1163
01:24:32,358 --> 01:24:34,693
and he's slamming that door,
and he's woken the neighbour.
1164
01:24:34,903 --> 01:24:38,989
Simon moves clearly into first
place, and the crowd is really
excited at this moment.
1165
01:24:39,199 --> 01:24:40,824
And now it's Shooting the Rabbit.
1166
01:24:41,034 --> 01:24:44,703
These rabbits have been carefully
spaced out on the ground so that
they can't move around too much.
1167
01:24:44,913 --> 01:24:48,207
And this is only a one-day event.
1168
01:24:48,416 --> 01:24:52,002
There's a bit of mist there, which I think
is causing the twits a bit of trouble.
1169
01:24:52,212 --> 01:24:54,338
And Gervaise is using
the butt of his rifle,
1170
01:24:54,547 --> 01:24:57,508
and Vivien's going with
a fist, and Gervaise is first away...
1171
01:24:57,717 --> 01:25:01,845
And Oliver has run himself over.
What a great twit.
1172
01:25:02,055 --> 01:25:05,599
And now it's Taking the Bras
Off the Debutantes from the Back.
1173
01:25:05,809 --> 01:25:08,685
This is a particularly difficult event
for most of the twits.
1174
01:25:08,895 --> 01:25:12,064
One of the ones that takes
the most time on this
extremely exacting course.
1175
01:25:12,273 --> 01:25:16,443
And the crowd is getting excited,
and I think some of the twits are
getting rather excited too.
1176
01:25:16,653 --> 01:25:20,572
And it's Simon. It's Simon into
the lead, closely followed by Nigel.
1177
01:25:20,782 --> 01:25:24,701
And it's the final event now. They have
to shoot themselves if they can.
1178
01:25:24,911 --> 01:25:27,371
Upper-Class Twit of the Year.
Simon can't get the bra off his finger.
1179
01:25:27,580 --> 01:25:31,625
It's Nigel there. Nigel misses.
Simon misses.
1180
01:25:31,835 --> 01:25:34,586
Nigel misses again,
and Gervaise has shot himself.
1181
01:25:34,796 --> 01:25:37,631
Gervaise is
Upper-Class Twit of the Year.
1182
01:25:37,841 --> 01:25:39,925
Vivien is there.
He's not having any of that.
1183
01:25:40,135 --> 01:25:43,303
Simon shoots. Simon has shot Vivien!
1184
01:25:43,513 --> 01:25:47,683
Simon has shot Vivien into second
place, and Simon shoots himself.
1185
01:25:47,892 --> 01:25:52,646
Simon is third, and Nigel...
Nigel clubs himself into fourth place.
1186
01:25:52,856 --> 01:25:54,356
And so the final result.
1187
01:25:54,566 --> 01:25:56,650
First and Upper-Class Twit of the Year:
1188
01:25:56,860 --> 01:25:58,777
Gervaise Brook-Hamster of Kensington.
1189
01:25:58,987 --> 01:26:01,488
Runner-up, Vivien
Smith-Smythe-Smith of Mayfair,
1190
01:26:01,698 --> 01:26:04,449
and third, Simon
Zinc-Trumpet-Harris of Kensington.
1191
01:26:04,659 --> 01:26:07,327
Well, there will certainly
be some car-door slamming
1192
01:26:07,537 --> 01:26:09,830
in the streets of Kensington tonight.
1193
01:26:11,374 --> 01:26:12,958
[♪♪♪]
1194
01:26:40,445 --> 01:26:42,404
[CHICKEN CLUCKING]
1195
01:26:52,332 --> 01:26:53,957
[BELL RINGS]
1196
01:26:54,334 --> 01:26:55,751
[♪♪♪]
1197
01:27:13,895 --> 01:27:15,646
[FARTING]
1198
01:27:16,105 --> 01:27:18,106
[LAUGHING]
1199
01:27:21,778 --> 01:27:23,820
[♪♪♪]
1200
01:27:35,333 --> 01:27:38,043
[ENGINE ROARS]
1201
01:27:48,221 --> 01:27:50,138
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
1202
01:28:02,527 --> 01:28:03,944
[PIG SNORTS]
1203
01:28:04,320 --> 01:28:06,446
[♪♪♪]
1204
01:28:07,740 --> 01:28:08,865
[FARTING]
1205
01:28:15,999 --> 01:28:16,999
Subtitles by:
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