Original subtitles

[engine roaring]

[mechanical humming]

[slamming]

[squishing footsteps]

[chuckling]

Hmmm.

[grunting]

- [chuckles] - [slamming]

[crashing]

- [Condorman Theme plays] - [yelling]

♪ Condorman! ♪

♪ Condorman! ♪

[screaming]

- [car honks] - Aaah!

♪ Condorman! ♪

Whoo!

Whoa!

Aaah!

Yaa hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[grunting] Aaah!

[crashes]

Ooh-aah!

[screaming]

Yay.

Ooh. Oh!

♪ Condorman! ♪

Bonjour!

- [laughs] - ♪ Condorman! ♪

Aaah!

♪ Condorman! ♪

Mm-hmm.

♪ Condorman! ♪

♪ Condorman! ♪

♪ Condorman! ♪

[honking]

OK, Wood, in position.

Get ready.

Right.

Who can save Princess Juliet,

held captive by the evil Count Lorca?

Who can save the city? Who?

Who?

This is a job for Condorman.

[Condorman Theme plays]

[cries out]

Harry!

- Flap, Woody. Flap. - Aaah!

- [Woody] It should've worked. - Here. Drink this.

- I can't understand it. - Drink this and calm down.

I am calm. I am calm.

Those wings were foolproof, Harry. They were foolproof.

Woody, you're a great cartoonist and you're a great comic book writer.

But you're a lousy bird. I mean, you could've got yourself killed.

That's the way I create. You know that.

If Condorman can't do something in real life,

then I won't have him do it in one of my comic books.

Kids all over the world read my stuff.

They trust me. They'd know if I fake It.

Condorman's American. His word is his bond.

Well, hooray for the red, white and blue.

Woody, we've been buddies for a long time.

Now, I respect you, I admire you.

You're sincere, you're conscientious. But sometimes you go too far.

- How so? - Well, take now.

Condorman's first assignment is to help the French government.

You come to Paris to stay with me to get the feel of things.

Fine, but did you have to try to fly off the Eiffel Tower and nearly drown?

Come on, Woody.

You're so wrapped up in your characters

that you're losing touch with reality.

Go home. New England's nice this time of year. Relax. Take it easy.

Condorman can find enough excitement in New York City to last a lifetime.

No, no, no, no. Besides, Superman's got the Big Apple sewn up.

No, Condorman's gotta be international.

And as for reality and fantasy, look what you do for a living, huh?

What a fantastic life. Huh? To be a spy.

I am not a spy, Woody.

CIA? Huh? Cloak and dagger.

Secret missions, parachuting behind enemy lines.

Memorizing code words. Aw, that has to be the greatest, Harry.

Woody, not everybody at the agency is Robert Redford.

- Come on. When you went to Bangkok... - Read my lips.

I am a file clerk.

Nothing more, nothing less.

You have my notes. Prepare the file and then contact our people in Geneva.

Oh, there's Harry now.

- Morning, Richard. - How's it going, Harry?

- Late again. Bus strike. - [man] Harry.

Sir?

- What's up, Russ? - The Geneva meeting.

I'm going to be gone for two days. Keep an eye on things for me.

What about the Istanbul papers? Exchange takes place day after tomorrow.

You can handle that. They're not important, anyway.

- But Harrington won't be back. - We're not sending Harrington.

Our Russian friends insist the exchange be handled by civilians.

Are the Russkies worried the Chinese will find out they got spies in Turkey?

- Exactly. - Have you recruited the civilian?

That's where you come in. Just pick someone suitable.

Me? But, Russ... But, Russ... Russ.

Russ, I don't think I can handle this.

You're always asking for more authority.

Do I stop the first American tourist I see and say,

"Do your country a favor and drop off some secret papers in Istanbul"?

Something like that, yes. Now you're learning.

But Ru...

Russ? What if I need to get a hold of you? On the...

[honking]

Hi, Woody? Harry. [chuckles]

Remember how I saved your life this morning?

Well, I got a big favor to ask. Do you like trains?

- [alert tone] - [woman speaking French on PA]

[alert tone]

[woman speaking French on PA]

What's with the outfit?

[imitates Humphrey Bogart] Of all the stations, in all the world.

- Do you like? - I hate.

- Give me the hat and trench coat. - What? Nooo.

Woody, you were hired because you're a civilian.

- Take it easy with the Bogart shtick. - Leave me the coat, please.

- It gives me confidence. - Remember, you're supposed to blend in.

- I got it. I got it. - [woman speaking French on PA]

Yeah, that's you. Give me your wrist.

Ho-oh-oh-oh!

- Oh, I like that. I like it. - I knew you would.

Here's the key. Don't lose it.

Thanks, Harry. And don't worry. I won't let the organization down.

Do me a favor, when you get on board the train,

have a couple of stiff drinks, go to sleep, stay out of trouble.

Hey. You're talkin' to Woody, right?

- Right? - Sure. Better get on board.

[Woody clears throat]

Harry, where do I get off again?

At the end of the line, Woody. Istanbul.

Istanbul.

[Turkish music]

[fizzling]

- Oooh! - [screaming]

- Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm a bit unsteady. - [angry muttering]

Jet lag. Or train lag.

- Whatever. - [crowd gasps]

Now, you be careful.

[gasps] Excuse me.

It was my fault. Oh, God.

I tripped you with a purpose.

I thought it was you.

I believe we have something we can give each other.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, I'm a man,

you're a woman.

I speak of documents. Papers.

Papers?

Ah, papers!

Yes, papers.

Istanbul.

The exchange must be discreet.

Of course.

Your order, sir?

I'll have one of those.

- One Istanbul Express. - Yes. A double.

A double? Nobody orders the double, sir.

OK. Make it a triple.

What's your name?

Natalia.

Natalia.

I need your papers.

[exhales]

- Is something wrong? - It's just that you're so beautiful.

- For a spy. - Spy?

Spy.

But we are both civilians.

Everything may not be quite as it seems.

You're not a civilian?

In point of fact, no.

I'm working as a top-level operative in international espionage.

Just passing through. Doing a favor for a civilian.

- Is that so? - Yes.

One triple Istanbul Express.

So, do you have a code name?

Does the name Condorman mean anything to you?

[chuckles]

- Condorman, eh? - Yes, Condorman.

Vulture of the Western world.

[muffled cries]

[guttural noises]

I must go.

[muffled] Please don't...

- [Woody] Please don't go. - [Natalia] Those men over by the door.

- [Natalia] They're after me. I must go. - Why don't we leave together?

If you're with me, maybe they won't try anything.

- Nothing will stop them. - Aren't you forgetting Condorman?

Vulture of the etcetera, etcetera?

- We are in great danger. - Danger? I laugh at danger.

[laughs]

Step aside.

You step aside or you will die.

[yelling]

- [gasps] - [shouting]

[grunting]

- Hold it. - Whoooaa!

- [groaning] - [moaning]

[man] Stop.

[man] Stop.

[gasping]

[screams]

[whimpers]

I'm sorry I had to get so violent,

but it was the only language they understood.

- Are you all right? - Oh, I'm fine.

Apart from a large dry-cleaning bill.

I'll tell you one thing, if I ever come back to Istanbul,

I'll put this place on my "try to avoid" list.

Are you OK?

I was afraid for you.

You were?

That's very nice.

Well...

Oh!

Believe these are for you.

The Istanbul papers.

Thank you, for everything.

Oh...

It was nothing. I do this two or three times a week.

[snorts]

Natalia...

[speaks Russian]

Hello, Natalia.

Welcome home.

[exhales deeply]

Oh, Sergei. I did not expect you.

I am sure you didn't, my dear.

Any more than I expected you would go to Istanbul.

I had to go there. We cannot trust the Americans, as I found out.

Really? And what did you find out, my little dove?

I must go and change.

The journey, it was very long.

The exchange was supposed to be a civilian operation, eh?

I anticipated them, and I was right.

They sent a top agent.

I had the office check him, but there's no file on this man.

He was good.

Very smooth.

And very tough.

Perhaps even as good as you, Sergei.

And his name?

Surely when you were finding out how tough and how smooth he was,

you found out his name?

He called himself Condorman.

Condorman?

How quaint.

But he is good. The way he handled those three Turks was impressive.

Had they got hold of you, who knows what would have happened?

But you were stupid to be seen by a Chinese agent,

and I am not one to let anybody jeopardize my position, am I?

My dear Natalia, that is why I've changed my mind

about bringing you with me to Monte Carlo to act as hostess

to the oil meetings with our Arabian friends.

You see, you need a little re-education

to remind you of the teachings of our masters.

Harry. My Laser Lady.

[snoring]

Isn't she beautiful?

Who is Condorman?

- Condorman? - Condorman.

Well, uh, Condorman is what we call a comic hero.

- In a comic book. - A comic book?

Yeah, you know, like Donald Duck, Popeye, Superman.

- He's not a real person? - Who? Condorman?

Yes, Condorman.

No, Russ. Comic book characters aren't real people. [chuckles]

Not as a rule, anyway. I mean, uh...

Donald Duck, for example, he's not a real duck, just a drawing.

Hmm. Interesting.

Well, I don't know how interesting it is, I mean...

...every kid knows that. I've known it all my life.

Haven't you ever read a comic book?

Harry, Condorman is a real person.

Well, if you say so, Russ. I always thought it was a cartoon.

Uh, is that all you wanted to talk to me about?

Listen, Harry, we have a Russian agent who wants to defect.

Now this Russian insists that we use

one particular agent of ours to facilitate the defection.

Apparently, they have some kind of rapport.

We have been given the code name of the agent, but we've never heard of it.

Now, it's vital that we find this man and use him to handle this operation.

I want you to go through every file we've got

and find out who has been using the code name Condorman.

What's the matter?

I think I know who's been using that name.

Are you serious?

- Very. - I could get killed.

It's not a dangerous operation, buddy, just a simple defection.

Simple defection for you, maybe.

I delivered simple papers in Istanbul

and nearly got shish-kebabed by Turkish behemoths.

Every precaution is going to be taken.

- The Bear is very important to us. - Bear? What bear?

The Bear is the code name for the Russian spy who wants to defect.

I'm sorry, fellas. I refuse to place my fragile life in jeopardy

over anybody who goes under the name of the Bear.

Come on, Woody. A little cloak, a little dagger.

Mr. Wilkins, I feel certain patriotism counts for something.

Patriotism? Forget patriotism. I have a family to think of.

- Family? - Gopher Boy, Sponge Man.

Deadlines and things. Condorman and Laser Lady make their debut next week.

Do you realize we are talking about

the most important defection in this decade?

[Woody] I'm not a spy!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come on, Woody. You won't even put anything in the comics

unless it's been tested and proven.

Well, now here's your chance. Out of the inkwell and into real life.

It's the chance of a lifetime. Whatever you're dreaming up for Condorman,

draw us the plans and we'll do the rest.

We can build anything and deliver it anywhere at our expense.

Right, Russ? Right, Russ?

Mr. Wilkins, we wouldn't be asking you to do this

if it weren't for the fact that the Bear insisted upon you being the escort.

How could the Bear know about me?

Because you've already met her, in Istanbul.

Natalia Rambova of the KGB.

Natalia?

[sighing]

[Russ] Impossible.

No. No, impossible. Absolutely out of the question.

Now, hang on a minute. You said you'd do this in my way with my designs.

[laughs] But this is going to cost us a fortune.

It's a tricky transfer, I grant you, but can't you simplify a little bit?

Russ has a point. He wants you to bring him the Bear, not a comic book.

OK, OK. If I don't get the equipment, I don't get the Bear.

- Over to you, Russ. - [sighs, clears throat]

Well, I don't know. I...

Of course, if all else fails, we are prepared, Russ.

We could always go to plan B.

[sighs]

OK.

Get fabrication on it immediately.

- Right, Russ. - I want you there yesterday.

Plan B.

What's plan B, Harry?

I don't know.

But I hope to have it ready by the time you get to Yugoslavia.

Natalia.

[groans]

- Natalia. - [branches rustling]

Haaa!

- Natalia. - Yes. Yes.

Condorman?

Who else?

I knew you would come.

I hope you didn't mind the gypsy disguise.

I figured you'd look good in anything.

- We must hurry before we're discovered. - You're right. Come on.

Come on.

Take your time. Everything's ready. We should be able to leave the country...

[man] Halt!

[gasps]

An escape as gypsies.

How very romantic, Comrade.

And who is your American friend?

Put up your hands and move over there.

You don't understand. I'm really on your side. I'm a double agent.

I was delivering some secret information to the Bear here.

We're old Comrades from Istanbul.

- Is that your story, Comrade? - Yes.

Really? Krokov will be most interested.

He has suspected your defection for some time.

Boris.

- Hand over your weapons. - I don't have one.

Condorman does not carry a gun. It is against my code.

- What? - Guns scare me. The noise.

All I carry is my trusty old cane.

[gasping]

Hoo!

- Are you all right? - That's a hair trigger.

- Fastest cane in the West. - Watch out!

Oooh!

Multipurpose.

Come on.

Right through here.

You are not nervous, eh?

Me, Condorman, nervous?

No.

- Watch out! - Ah!

It's OK. It's nothing to worry about.

Just testing the steering mechanism.

So, you decided to defect?

Oh, life has not been very easy for me at home.

It's been on my mind for some time now.

Why didn't you do it from Istanbul?

Something happened with Krokov when I got back that made my decision.

I realized it was now or never.

- Krokov? - The man those agents talked about.

This Krokov, he isn't your husband by any chance, is he?

No. I am single woman.

Free single woman.

Well, I'm very glad to hear that.

I was thinking, America is so far away, you know.

But you'll love it when you get there.

Fall in New England, the Grand Canyon,

New York, those buildings, Thanksgiving,

toasted marshmallows, Sunday funnies, the senior prom, baseball...

[fades into distance]

[dogs barking]

[growling]

But how did that happen?

Look, I had two men following them.

What? No, no, no, absolutely not.

I want her alive.

Death is far too good for that little traitor.

What?

No. The man is expendable.

Well, send out the Brochnoviatch.

And make sure that Morovich is personally in charge.

[hangs up phone]

[speaks Russian]

...Brochnoviatch.

[crowd chattering]

[children shouting]

[all fall quiet]

[car engine revving in distance]

[baby crying]

[man] Brochnoviatch.

- [bell tolls] - [screaming, shouting]

[dog barking]

[speaks Russian]

[tires squealing]

It's like a storybook town. Just look at it.

[Woody] So quiet.

[Natalia] It's too quiet.

What do you mean?

The people. Where are the people?

Natalia, you gotta learn to lighten up. Relax.

Something is wrong.

[speaks Russian]

[engines roar]

Krokov will do anything to get me back.

Forget Krokov. You're with me now.

- Natalia. - What is it?

You tell me.

The Brochnoviatch.

We cannot outrun them in this old truck.

You have a point there.

But...

[gasps]

Incredible.

Fantastic.

- What do we do now? - Well, we push another button.

I don't believe it.

Who are those guys?

The Brochnoviatch is the KGB pursuit squadron.

Superb drivers, and each one is a dedicated killer.

Look out!

[tires screeching]

OK, OK. Let's warm things up a bit.

- Do something. - There's nothing left to do.

Stop! He's crazy. He will kill us.

Stop, nothing. That's what he wants.

[beeping]

[screams]

[tires squealing]

[engine idling]

[engine roaring]

[crashing]

It's Morovich.

- You know that guy? - He's a homicidal maniac.

- You've got to stop him. - Of course. The trick is how.

[man shouts]

- [screams] - [man yells]

[people shouting]

[woman shouting]

[air hissing]

Escaped? And in a gypsy truck?

- It turned into a racecar. - But you had the Brochnoviatch.

Before my eye, the racecar turned into an hydrofoil.

Have you seen this report on this Condorman, on this man Wilkins?

He is an amateur, do you hear? He is not an agent of the CIA.

He is a writer of comic books.

We shall be a laughingstock back home.

Comrade, please,

all I ask is one more chance to get at this Condorman.

All right, my dear Morovich.

You will get the chance.

According to my calculations,

he should land somewhere on the north coast of Italy.

[growls]

Around about there should be the place.

- Vito. - Yes, Comrade Commissar.

Contact Barrazini.

We are collecting an old debt.

Tell him what we want.

- [Woody] Not far to go. - [panting]

- [Natalia] Where are we? - I don't know.

But don't worry. We're safe and clear now.

- How can you say that? - It's logic.

If we don't know where we are,

it stands to reason Krokov doesn't know, either.

I doubt whether he'd have us followed into Italy.

- Hey. - You don't know Krokov.

Hey, that'll be perfect. Come on.

[dog barking]

Oh, this'll be fine. We'll sleep here and get an early start in the morning.

Tomorrow I'll find a telephone, call Harry

and we'll be home in no time.

[frogs croaking]

[birds calling]

[mooing]

[door crashes]

[shouts in Italian]

On your feet. You are under arrest.

Uh, senor. Uh, excusee.

Uh, there's been a mistake.

You have got the wrong couple. Comprende?

- You must do something. - How can I do something?

Obviously, he's got us mixed up with another couple.

[Natalia] It said we killed a man in Monte Carlo.

In Monte Carlo? We've never even been to Monte Carlo.

Krokov is behind this.

Look, guard.

Guard, you really are making a big mistake.

The authorities from Monte Carlo are on their way.

Krokov's men.

- You know what I think? - What?

I think we're in serious trouble.

Gopher Boy, what would you do now?

What?

Aw, nothing.

Nothing.

[door bangs]

[knocking]

[speaks French]

[man] Wake up.

Bring your things.

Hey, fella. You think this is it?

You think you got us licked? Huh?

The world isn't a vacuum, you know.

You mark this. I'm an American citizen.

You no speaka the English, huh? No understando meo?

What language do they speak in Monaco?

Hey, ugly American. Remember plan B? This is it.

Harry?

This?

Get in.

Have you got the key?

Not now. We're being watched by you know who.

Besides, the Russkies can't be far behind.

You're all over the front page.

- Does Russ know about this? - He's working on the rest of the plan.

Bazooka Boy Meets Hannibal Smith.

Great. One of my favorites.

- OK, give me the keys. - Let's get out of here first.

Stop. It's Morovich.

[speaking Russian]

Get out of here, fast.

[shouting in Russian]

[shouting in Russian]

There.

Down there.

Ooh!

Harry, the keys.

- [panting] OK. - Come on.

- Oh! - Ah!

Ha ha ha.

- OK? - Uh-huh.

[speaking Russian]

- [speaking Russian] - [man speaking Italian]

[organ playing]

[man continues in Italian]

I wish to speak.

Yes?

- This man is already married. - [gasping]

And to whom is this man married?

To me.

[man] What is this? I never saw her before.

Come home, Pietro, please. For the sake of the children.

You are lying. She's nothing but a liar.

- She's crazy. - I wish I was.

- Pietro Junior cries for his father. - You will leave here at once.

I will not. Uncle Luigi and I have come to take you home.

I will throw her out myself.

Don't you lay a hand on me.

- Who will stop me? - Uncle Luigi.

I will squeeze the truth out of this Uncle Luigi.

[crowd gasping, shouting]

[Morovich] We believe they are headed in the direction of...

- The Alps. - That's what we suspect.

In which case, they could cross at any one of a number of places.

Near Mont Blanc, through Saint Bernard Pass, below...

- I know exactly where they will cross. - You do?

The best kept secrets of Woodrow Wilkins

can be found by any small child

for the price of a tiny coin.

Here is a truck that turns into a racing car.

Here, a car that turns into a hovercraft.

Ingenious weapons.

Exploding rockets.

It's all here.

Including, my friend...

Bazooka Boy Meets Hannibal Smith?

Where they will cross the Alps.

[bells jingling]

Hey, hey. Whoa!

Well, here it is. We made it.

- At last, a real inn with hot water. - And food.

Well, we'll stay here the night, but in one room.

- We mustn't separate. - Right.

What is this? Why are all these children looking at us?

Well, it's out of season. Maybe they're just glad to see tourists.

- Hi, there. - [speaks Italian]

That's your room. I hope you are very happy here.

- Bedroom for two. - Two people. Yes, sir.

- Two peoples. - Arrivederci. Bye.

- Two peoples. - [laughing]

Oh, I can feel that hot water from that shower already.

Uh, unless... I could feel it later if...

- Be my guest. - Thanks a lot.

[all whispering]

You are her, aren't you?

- Of course it's her. - It is.

- It isn't. - It is.

What is this? Why are you children staring at me?

The empress of space, time and beauty,

Laser Lady.

How did you get to be Laser Lady?

[exhales]

You scared the dickens out of me.

I turned around and you're gone, Woody's out like a light.

I figured, boom, that's it. They heard the shower running and they grabbed you.

Natalia? Are you all right?

Yes, yes, I'm all right.

Harry, who are you?

- What do you mean? - Woody is Condorman.

I am Laser Lady. Who are you?

How'd you find out?

The children here read comic books, too.

Let's take a little walk.

I knew you'd find out sooner or later.

But I held my peace because of Woody.

It's all my fault. I got him into this.

[traditional music playing]

[bells jingling]

- Whoo! - [cheering]

Wow.

No wonder they can eat so much pasta.

[woman] Harry.

- [speaks Italian] - Listen, I...

When you got it, you got it.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

A ruble for your thoughts.

When I parted from Krokov,

I promised myself I would never love again

a man who lived a life of deception.

But now...

Now I think there is deception and deception.

- I don't understand. - But I do. [chuckles]

When I go to America and start reading the Sunday funnies

and eating my Big Mac

and planning for the senior prom...

You may have missed the prom.

I would like it very much

if I could pick up my American telephone,

call my friend Woody and say,

"Come over and be democratic with me."

I'll bring the dip if you bring the Dostoevsky.

That's a yes.

[shuffling]

[wind blowing]

[deep exhale]

What are we doing up here?

You see that? That's our first-class ticket to freedom.

This is it.

Aw, good old Russ. He got it exactly right.

- He did? - What is it?

They're jet rods, and as with the other one,

you just hook it up there on the cable, like so.

Then you open up the stirrups, climb aboard,

and when you're ready to go, you pull that lever

and zowie right up the mountain.

Whoa. Hold on.

Harry, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Uh, Woody, I can't handle heights.

OK, you climb on with me and hold on.

Whoa.

Ready?

OK.

[rocket firing]

Morovich.

[Krokov on radio] You see them?

Da.

Shoot.

Woody!

[Natalia screams] Woody!

[screams] Don't you touch me, you...

[grunting]

[shouts]

I think they're gone.

We can move now.

I may never move again.

Good morning, Natalia. I trust you slept well.

Surely you don't think I'd let you get away after all you've meant to me.

I hate you.

And I wished to kill you.

You don't know how tempted I was.

I wish you would have.

Anything would have been better than this.

Save your tears.

I am going to save your life.

Our story will be that you pretended to defect

in order to kidnap this Condorman.

I shall lay the blame on Morovich for failing his mission.

Of course, he will have to be killed.

We can't have the party hearing his side of the story, can we?

You pig. Do you really think that things will be the same between us?

For the moment I don't care.

But, remember, Natalia, whatever happens in the future

is better than a slow death in a Siberian slave farm.

Don't touch me.

Very well.

But for the moment things will have to appear as normal between ourselves.

You will have to play the role of perfect hostess,

a role you were born for.

And if you have any design on escape,

this comfortable villa is an impregnable fortress.

Your every move will be watched. The oil ministers arrive tomorrow.

I want you up and about, looking your best,

laughing and ensuring they are happy. Hmm?

Get out of here!

That's better. That's the spirit.

I will leave you now for a moment to...

...get your redemption into your head.

And, Natalia, remember,

any more trouble from you and I shall personally kill you immediately.

[Harry] Woody.

- I just talked to Russ. - Natalia?

Krokov's got her at the Russian villa in Monte Carlo.

- We've gotta get her out of there. - Woody.

We've been ordered back to Paris. The mission's considered a bust.

I can't go back. Not without Natalia.

I love her, Harry.

I know.

[Woody] I still have top red clearance.

That gives me anything I need, including Fort Knox. Right?

Now, wait. That was before we were ordered back to Paris, Woody.

Forget orders. Tell them you didn't see me in time, it was too late.

- I can't do that, Woody. - Harry, two days, that's all I ask.

Two days.

[Woody] Please.

OK, buddy, you got it.

Harry, you're beautiful.

Will you stop? People will talk.

Now, here's what I have in mind.

- Hello, Sergei. - Hello, Henri.

- What happened? - Amazing, Sergei, amazing.

This Arab, he took the house to their limit.

- What is that? - Five million francs.

[Krokov] Who is that man?

According to the underground,

he was nothing more than another Bedouin.

Then several months ago he struck oil

and now... now he's the seventh richest man in the world.

Make sure he is at tomorrow's party.

[upbeat instrumental music]

But the question remains, can we produce it in sufficient quantity?

Now, do you see that as a problem in the long run?

[man] That all depends.

What was your question again, huh?

Well, actually, what I said was,

do you think our North Sea will produce enough oil?

North Sea? Ha!

A Caesar salad's worth.

Pardon me, please.

Business. I have to close a deal for Rhode Island.

[snorts]

Amazing.

[crowd chattering]

- So? - Everything's go.

- You talk to her yet? - I can't get near her.

Every time I turn around, someone tries to sell me something.

Whatever you do, don't buy. When are you gonna make your move?

Hey.

Right, I'm gonna try and get to her now.

You give me five minutes, then let it go, OK?

- OK. Five minutes. - [wine splashing]

Don't worry about me.

[snorts]

[applause]

[Woody in faked voice] Enchanting.

A beautiful place, Monaco.

Yes, it is. I do not believe we have met.

Natalia Rambova.

Don't scream out. The cavalry's here.

- [gasps] - No.

Woody. They told me you were dead.

I've come to get you. Come on.

[Natalia] No.

I cannot go with you.

What do you mean?

I'm sorry, but I've changed my mind.

You've changed your mind? Are you crazy?

This isn't like deciding what restaurant to eat in. This is a defection.

- It's Krokov. - Krokov? Forget Krokov.

- Now, come with me. - No, no. Krokov...

Krokov had a plan. It was a plan. Don't be stupid.

Krokov thought you were a top American agent.

My defection was a ruse to kidnap you,

but now we know you are nothing

but a foolish dreamer who draws comic books,

not worth the bullet to kill you.

So go now, please, and don't try to do anything.

I see you've already met the sheik.

Yes.

He thought we had met before.

Is that so?

But I was mistaken.

A foolish dream, perhaps.

It was a pleasure meeting you. I'm sorry we did not have more time.

[Natalia] Some other day, perhaps.

If you bring the dip, I'll bring the Dostoevsky.

[sniffling]

I'll bring the dip.

I'll bring the dip.

Natalia.

Three, two, one...

[screaming]

[alarm sounding]

Come on. This way.

[all shouting]

Natalia.

After them.

[alarm siren]

Downstairs. Quick.

Good, Harry.

[man shouts in Russian]

- Halt. - Halt.

Coming through.

[gunshots]

Oh, Russ, if you could see me now.

There's no key.

Quick, give me a hand.

[alarm siren]

- [Natalia] We're trapped. - [Woody] Don't you believe it.

Woody, I'm frightened.

Don't worry. Condorman has it all figured out.

But how can we escape? Fly?

- You are not serious. - You want out?

I want you.

Then get behind me and hold on tight.

[crashing]

Morovich, prepare them.

[Harry] Uh-oh.

[honking]

[honking]

Woody, I can't hold on much longer.

When are we going to land?

As soon as I see Harry at the rendezvous.

[honking]

You beauty. You doll. We made it.

Oh, no.

Somebody stop that car.

[Harry groaning]

Well, Russ, easy come, easy go.

OK. Here we go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

[chuckles]

On the boat, Natalia.

Let's go.

Why did you come and get me? You could have left me at the villa.

Why did you pretend you didn't wanna come?

I could not let you be discovered and killed.

If I had asked you to help me, you'd have done something stupid.

Instead of the sane and sensible thing we're doing.

Yeah, but how do you feel about my being

a foolish dreamer who draws comic books, huh?

- Did I say that? - Uh-huh.

Laser Lady would say anything to save the man she loves.

[whistling] Will you two come on?

Come on, down.

Now.

[speaks Russian]

[Woody] Harry, change places with me.

[Harry] Right.

I thought I'd never get to use you, baby.

- Hit the smoke. - [Harry] Gotcha.

[engine sputtering]

- Let's head for home. - [Harry] Nice shootin', Woody.

I hate to say this, but we're in serious trouble.

Head for sky-lift.

Return to base. Return to base.

He's gonna ram us. Take it up.

[screams]

[laughing]

[man on PA] A long, high drive into deep left field.

Back goes Nelson, to the wall, and it's gone.

[cheering]

Natalia, you brought us luck. I could kiss you.

Not bad, Condorman. We should go to more baseball games.

Yeah. I'll get us season tickets.

Hey, you two lovebirds, do you mind? I'm trying to watch the ball game.

[chuckling]

Uh...

Natalia, look up.

[Harry] It's my little American present to you.

[Natalia gasps]

Oh, my own little airship.

Harry.

Thank you.

- [man] So that's them, huh? - [Russ] Yes, sir. That's them.

This is nothing but trouble. If you want my advice...

This assignment is very delicate. It needs handling with great finesse.

That's what I mean, sir. I don't think this man is qualified.

Nonsense. He got the girl out, didn't he?

- Do it. - [Russ] Right away.

Set it up.

I'll get right on it.

Hey, Woody, you're a good old boy

and I've got a wonderful proposition for you.

Have you ever thought of taking Condorman to...

[♪ Condorman Theme plays]

♪ Condorman! ♪