Original subtitles

It's the 93rd minute.

England are 2-1 down to Greece.

David Beckham needs to score this free kick

to send England through to the World Cup finals.

Bang! He bends it over the wall, straight into the top-left corner.

Absolutely brilliant.

You buying anything?

Oh! Um, I'll have...

I'll have a pear.

One pair.

Oh...

I'll sleep on it.

David Beckham lines up the free kick.

The weight of a nation on his shoulders.

ARGH! Argh.

Agh.

Argh!

Ooh.

Blimey.

Ooh, you've got...

Look out for that.

There's no way of getting the amulet back.

I can't get home so now what?

Ooh! Let me tell you.

No, honestly, Barbara, please, don't.

My new purchase.

The Sands of Time!

Didn't they predict the plague of cows?

Yep, to the nearest half hour.

You see, Brian, I've worked out why I didn't get into the Seers Guild.

It's not my talent, it's my equipment.

Yeah. Yeah, that'll be it.

It's just sand.

That is a powerful fortune-telling device, not to be abused.

I would never do that.

Rule number one of the Seers Guild...

Use of the toilets is only for members?

..never exploit your gift for personal gain.

Krunt!

All sorted? Absolutely.

As ordered, one, barely second-hand,

formatically-enhanced sausage machine -

completely legal.

It definitely works, does it? Yeah!

Watch this.

Hey!

Mmm, not bad.

That'll bring in some business.

what do we say, 50 sovereigns?

50?! Alright, 60.

Hang on... I can go higher, Herman.

60, done.

This calls for a drink.

Fix me a large Rhubarb Seizure, please.

And the cash. I'm taking it off your tab.

So that means you still owe me.

Herman, I need that money.

That explains why Slasher Morgan came in.

Very anxious to talk to you, she was.

Hang on, not "talk to you," hurt you.

Yeah, that's it.

Said she'd call...

How does he do that?

Sausage? No!

Oh, God, no.

Sausage?

Not now, Herman, I never eat just before a big occasion.

Like this.

It's my new campaign.

Save the throck!

Alright...what's a throck?

It is a persecuted flightless bird and its numbers are in decline.

Horrible things.

I was attacked by one as a child

and to this day I still can't wear feathers.

Or beaks.

Do you know, they actually grow a new set of teeth every five days?

Why are you trying to save them?

Desperate attempt to meet women.

So, who's coming?

Brian?

Oh, do you know what, I'd love to, Steg, honestly.

Thank you. No.

The thing is, Barbara's got some new sand.

Your loss!

Ooh, it's incredible, it's so clear!

I'm going home? You are staying.

Because you, Brian, are destined for greatness.

The sands say that soon you will be

standing in front of a mighty army.

Oh, really, yeah?

You are not alone in your journey -

there is a woman.

But who?

Is it you, Barbara?

Ooh! Um, you know...it could be.

Um, I hadn't actually thought about that.

Um...

OK. Well, you and this woman -

let's just say it's me -

you are joined together by fate...

..bound as one.

And, Brian, you are clutching something.

A tiny bundle!

Could it be...

..a baby?

Do you know what, I've suddenly decided

I really want to save some throcks.

So, I propose that

the executive committee

be headed by myself.

Um, would anyone like to second that?

Anybody?

Bri?

Seconded!

I'm incredibly honoured.

Is this the meeting for 'Protect the Throck'?

No.

It is the meeting, however,

to 'Save the Throck',

which I believe is what you meant.

Put your name...

..and address on the petition.

So...

..Effandra...

Lovely name.

..what's your experience with throcks?

I absolutely adore them!

Especially Mr Wuffles - he's my pet.

What, you've got a pet throck?

Yeah. In your house?

Yes.

Isn't that a bit dangerous?

Oh, no, he's a sweetie!

Honestly, you'd totally love him.

Alright. So, if I can continue?

So, one of the key aims of the campaign -

my campaign -

is to spread accurate information about throcks...

Oh! Like how they way they grow a new set of teeth every five days.

Well, yeah.

And how their numbers are actually in decline.

Yeah.

Do you know, it is so refreshing to meet a man who cares about throcks.

He doesn't know anything about throcks!

He's not even from here, he's from a parallel world.

No!

Really?

Well, I think technically, from another dimension.

I'm not quite sure how...

He hates it here, don't you, Brian?

Wants to go back.

So, Effandra, are you interested in, um...

..musical theatre?

Actually, I think I better mingle. Ah.

It must be very hard for you, so alone.

Yeah, I guess so.

I try not to dwell on it, really.

I'm alone!

In fact, as a persecuted minority, I'm very alone.

Sorry, I've got to go.

Mr Wuffles will be wanting his num-nums.

It was really nice meeting you, Brian.

Oh, yeah, you too.

Perhaps we could talk a bit... Bye, Stan!

It's Steg.

See you, Effandra!

So the dance begins.

"Num-nums."

Give us a hand, Brian!

The personal effects of one Mrs Mabel Tappet.

You're doing house clearances now?

Magical item retrieval and assessment.

She has no further use for them.

Oh, when did she die?

Any day now, I should think.

Anyway, there must be something in here.

Give us a sec.

What's that? Bit of garlic?

Whoa, Brian!

That's quankleroot.

Extremely powerful sedative.

One little nibble could knock out a horse.

Or an old lady.

Mm.

Here, Herman, do the honours.

Oh, I love this.

This is like Storage Hunters.

What's that?

It's a TV show...

..that I present.

This should solve all my money worries.

Whoa!

A hat of invisibility.

Got to be worth 10 sovs.

He's gone!

He's gone! Completely invisible.

Am I really invisible?

Well, not completely.

Although, I can't see the top of your head.

Right.

What about this?

Nah, worthless. Chuck it.

Ah! Who disturbs the dreamless sleep of Maladorn,

element and spirit?

By the leathery balls of Krunt!

It's a fire sprite.

Silence mortal!

I will grant the desire of whom so ever summoned me?

Ah, yeah!

I've done it!

I got a wish. I got a wish, man.

I got a wish!

The wish...

..is yours.

Really?

Yes, insignificant pustule!

Claim your wish.

No!

I could've paid back Slasher Morgan.

I knew it!

You're destined for greatness, Brian.

Who wants a celebratory sausage?

Shut it!

A magic aura has been detected in the vicinity.

It's him. He's got a wish.

I am not an aura.

I am an elemental spirit,

I did say that earlier.

Now, claim your wish and free me!

What a day - first someone assaults the ambassador for Flint...

Kicked right in the shell, broad daylight.

..now this.

Chestnut, erect a barricade immediately.

On it, Hawthorn.

The incident location will be guarded until the wish is fulfilled.

Remember, no rebellious wishes.

Nothing - and I mean nothing -

to harm the protector.

Fancy a sausage?

Yes! Bring me sausages.

So, Brian, what are you going to wish for?

I mean, you could have anything.

Anything? Mm.

Yeah, I'd go for 1,000 sovereigns. Herman!

Brian is destined for greatness.

I think he'll aim a little higher than that.

Of course. 2,000 sovereigns.

I can't believe I've been so lucky.

I think what Brian is trying to say

is he can't believe I'VE been so lucky.

Because the wish is basically mine, Brian, and you nicked it!

Hang on, I wasn't thinking straight, was I?

3,000!

I know what I want to wish for. I want to go home.

Huh, I don't think so, Brian.

That's not in your future.

Well, it is 'cause that's what I'm gonna do.

No.

You want to give the wish back to me really, don't you, Brian?

I want to go home. Good idea.

Bye! Your Destiny, Brian.

The wish is mine really...

3,000 and a pint glass that never runs out!

This is serious, OK? Go now. Go!

Give me my wish back! 3,500.

Stop it!

I need some time to think.

Crazier than normal!

I predicted it!

I actually predicted it. The sands of time foretold it.

Brian is going to stand in front of a mighty army...

..with me and our bundle.

Ah, this is all too exciting!

Barbara, why don't you have a little nibble on that?

Ooh, what is it?

Quankleroot.

But doesn't that mean that...?

Yeah.

Oh...

..God!

Brian?

Effandra!

What are you doing here all alone?

Just, you know, trying to clear my head.

Oh, me too.

This is my favourite spot.

Yes, it's beautiful.

What are you doing now?

Nothing.

Buy you a drink?

Yeah, alright!

Howell!

Morgan wants to see you.

Howell!

So, there we were,

just four ordinary lads from Liverpool who had changed the world.

John, Paul, George and Brian.

And then you invented rap?

True dat.

Yeah, crazy days...

Anyway, enough about me.

Tell me about your throck.

Ah, I've had him right since he was an egg.

Honestly, I don't think I could live without him.

I think he's lucky you have you.

Aww, Brian, you say the nicest things!

You alright?

Music for the lady?

He loves music.

Word.

Sure.

Ba-dang!

Aa-rah!

Ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ooh-oh!

Ah-yah, ba-dang!

Ba-dang, ba-dang

Ba-dang, ba-dang Ba-dang, ba-dang

Ba-dang, ah-reeb, ah-reeb!

Wah-wah

Ba-dang, ba-dang, ba-dang!

Good morning, Howell.

Morgan.

What a lovely surprise.

I just wondered...

..could I boil you alive and feed you to my pigs?

Or do you have the money you owe me?

Yeah, I have!

Not with me.

Um, in fact, it's still in other people's pockets.

But I assure you, in a mere matter of days...

Oh, Howell...

..I didn't want you to die like this.

Uh, I got a wish!

Yeah.

You're telling me you've got a wish?

Yeah! And you can have it.

Krunt's sake! I'm down to my last three chairs.

Bloody fairy is eating me out of house and home.

And he's not even paying.

Slasher Morgan was in last night looking for you.

All in hand. Where's Brian?

I've no idea. Try Barbara.

Cor, that latest batch of quankleroot is pretty poky.

Barbara...

Barbara.

BARBARA!

What?

Oh, impressive.

Do you know where Brian is?

I don't even know where I am.

What's happened?

Oi! Where's my breakfast?

Right away, sir.

Brian!

Everybody, I have decided I am not going home.

Ah, fantastic news!

Can I have your wish?

I've found a reason to stay.

There she was right in front of me this whole time

and I didn't even notice.

Effandra.

Yay!

I'm just going to go and celebrate to the other room.

So, Brian, what are you using your wish for?

I think it's clear what Brian is planning to do,

and may I say, Brian, I am hugely grateful.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm still using my wish.

Just not right now.

It's nice to know if do want to go home, I've got a wish in the bank.

Which means you can probably leave now, if you wanted to.

Don't tell me what to do!

I'll stay here until the 24 hours is up.

Alright, fine, whatever.

Anyway...

Sorry, what? 24 hours?

Standard procedure - 24 hours for a wish.

So, I have to make my wish today?

Yep.

Or, as I think we've agreed,

I need to make this wish today.

You've got till midday. I know.

I'll just wish for Effandra to come with me.

Don't rush into anything Brian.

You can't take Effandra with you, Brian. That's two wishes.

No, it's not.

I wish to go home with...

'With'. See, that's two wishes.

Alright then, I wish for me and Effandra...

'And'. That's the second wish. Just, you know...

Two.

..oh, Brian, you're in a pickle, mate.

Actually, Brian, I think I know a way

we can make BOTH your wishes come true.

Hello? Good morning!

I am a travelling soothsayer in your area for one day only.

I am offering short-form divination at a special offer of 50% off.

Sorry, I'm a bit busy at the moment. Thanks.

90% off.

Free. It's all free.

I'll just come in, shall I?

What do women want?

A hero.

Someone who can ride in and save the day.

It worked for Mrs Herman -

swept off her feet by a brave soldier.

Haven't seen her since.

Oi! More sausages.

Right.

Give me a hand with this table, will you?

Sorry, Herman, a man's got to dance.

Ummm...

..yes

What is it? I see changes ahead.

Is there a new presence in your life?

A man called Brian?

Brian, yes. He's amazing.

Oh, dear. Death.

Oh. A painful death.

Deceit, unhappiness.

This Brian is going to cause you a lot of unhappiness.

No, never!

Hm, I suggest a long journey.

You should get the next coach to Strooth.

Actually, I have a timetable here

and I've circled the next departure.

And, ooh, I've got a spare ticket.

I'm really sorry, but Mr Wuffles

wants to come for his num-nums now, so...

Oh, yes, yes.

I'd better go.

Like I said, free of charge.

And remember...

..beware Brian!

Bye!

Coming, Mr Wuffles!

Using my extensive knowledge of spiritology

and pan-dimensional calibration...

..I think I can make this wish work for you.

Right, so I can use it to get home AND take Effandra with me?

Absolutely. It's just a bit of careful wording, that's all.

You've got to be utterly precise with these wishes, Brian.

Which is why I'm writing the wish in flame tongue -

language of the fire sprite.

My wish? Course.

Who else's would it be?

Where does it say 'Effandra'?

There.

And where's the part about me going home?

That bit.

That's the same bit.

It's a very complicated language, flame tongue.

Hard to fathom. Hm.

"Clachan eekanth morgans."

You're a natural.

Run along, find Effandra, tell her the good news.

I'll just finetune the words and...

..meet you at the pub just before midday?

Howell, I don't know how to thank you.

Don't thank me, Brian. I got into this business to help people.

You're a good egg, you are.

A good egg and a bloody genius!

Effandra?

Effandra?

Oh, God!

One moment.

Can I buy some sausages?

Give me one second.

Come on, come on, get up.

Thank you, Herman.

Oh, of course.

Sausages are off.

Hey, here's the wish man, everybody!

Here's your wish, Brian, exactly as you requested.

You're cutting it fine. Where's Effandra?

She's gone.

Oh, well. Nevermind, Brian.

Now you can use your wish for the good of Munty.

She spent one night with me and now she's left town.

That can happen, in my experience.

Ooh!

Shut it!

It is I, Maladorn!

Where's...? I haven't finished.

Seer beyond time and space.

That's it.

Mortal, your time is up.

What is your command?

You've got to read these words, Brian.

Honestly, it's fine. Thank you.

Thank you, Howell, but I'm going to be going home alone.

Well...I'll rewrite it!

He's not going anywhere, remember, the sands?

Your wish, feeble mortal, for my freedom.

Alright, Fire Sprite,

- um, my wish.... - Brian!

Brian, Brian, Brian...

..Mr Wuffles has been poisoned.

Someone threw a quankleroot into the garden.

Who would do that? Terrible.

The healer says he's dying.

Don't worry, Effandra, I can save Mr Wuffles.

Oh, thank you, Stan.

It's Steg.

It doesn't matter.

Step back!

That won't work on a throck.

Sorry? Don't work on a throck.

Doesn't work? Not on a throck, no.

Not on a throck? No.

Brian's got a wish. A wish?

Brian that's amazing. You can save Mr Wuffles!

Just take her with you. It's all here.

Speak!

See, this is my only chance to get home.

Effandra, will you come with me?

I'd follow you anywhere, Brian.

But I can't leave Mr Wuffles, not now.

Oh, but I don't think I can...

Speak now!

I'm sorry, Effandra.

I love you, Brian!

Blimey.

I, Brian Weaver, wish...

Yes?

..that the throck known as Mr Wuffles

is restored to full health and vitality.

It is so!

Freedom!

Huh, weird.

Alright?

You are in deep, deep trouble.

How does he do that?

I don't know!

Oh, Mr Wuffles, you're back!

Mwah!

Brian, you are amazing.

Mr Wuffles, say hello to your new daddy!

Go on.

Jesus!

Oh...

Say hello.

Hey!

Oh, ow! Argh!

Brian, you're hurting him!

Argh!

Shit!

No, it's OK.

There's time, it's OK. I just need to...

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, uh...

..it's alright, if we just..

Sorry.

You monster!

You'll not see me again.

Effandra!

Here, let me walk you home.

Thank you, Stag.

It's Steg. Doesn't matter.

Why is there quankleroot in your pocket?

I...

That, uh...

Uh...

My jacket!

Worst day ever.

Brian.

What?

The sands were right - you are my tall dark stranger.

And you're staying here, Brian, because, you,

you're are destined for greatness.

And soon you will be standing in front of a mighty army.

Barbara, there is no way...

That's him!

That's the guy that kicked me.

This is war!

CHARGE!

Release the slime, quick!

What?!

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