Original subtitles

OK, so the delivery date's been moved to March,

but I think I can push it back.

Thanks.

I can't believe Brian never sent that email.

Jess!

And, I mean, look at this - he's mixed up euros and kilograms.

Jess!

I swear if I ever see him again,

I'm going to rip off his stupid clip-on tie

and ram it down his throat.

I'm back.

Oh, Jess, you won't believe where I've...

Sorry, I thought I heard something.

Ugh, I mean, look at his internet history...

Just as I suspected! Ha!

Didn't work.

I can't get you home without the amulet.

So close,

I could almost touch them!

I was basically home.

This is your home now, Brian. Remember? I forsooth it?

The arrival of a tall, dark stranger.

I know I can get home if I can just get that amulet back.

It's going to be tricky.

It'll be locked up in the lead vault,

at the Protector's Keep.

So the amulet is kept in a vault underneath the keep?

No. It's at the top, in the highest tower.

The vault is at the top?

Yeah. It's designed by Simon the Contrary.

All confiscated magical items are kept in a lead-lined vault

at the top of the tower.

And all prisoners are kept in the high security attic.

In the basement.

So I just need to get into this vault?

Are you mad? The place is surrounded by fairies.

You'd be killed the moment you walked through the front door.

Which is round the back by the bins.

Brian.

The runes have a message for you.

I see...

..a fish.

What good is that?

The only fish I'm interested in is one covered in batter

and served with chips.

Wood chips?

Earth dish, you wouldn't understand.

Yes, that's what I meant. Earth chips.

There's no point listening to her, Brian.

She's not even a real soothsayer. How dare you?!

Then why aren't you in the Seers Guild?

Because...they're not recruiting new members.

Ha!

That's not what it says here.

"Seers Guild accepting new members.

"Interviews today."

Do you know? It's not my fault!

It's these stupid runes, they don't work.

I'm going to go to Howell's and I'm going to get some new ones

for the interview which...I knew about!

You know, I'm not going to give up this easily, Herman.

I mean, how difficult is it to get into this keep?

What are these...spiky things? Spikes.

Why are you reading the Munty Gazette?

Back page.

"Rebel and Agitator."

"Rebel and Agitator - strong political views,

"seeks partner for companionship and more."

"Half giant, half dwarf, all fun."

"Likes to swim." Naked.

What? They've missed off the rest of the sentence.

It's supposed to read, "Likes to swim against the tide!"

There's another mistake - it says you're all fun.

Good day, sir. Good day, and thanks again!

Howell, don't tell me

that you've actually managed to sell something,

because I simply don't believe...

..how great you look!

You look years younger, that is amazing.

Thank you, Barbara. What can I do you for?

Oh, well, I need some new runes because - fanfare -

I have applied for the Seers Guild!

Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, you do not need new runes.

May I recommend this unique...Candle of Confidence?

Guaranteed to enlighten, enhance and improve-ify...

..pretty much everything.

Shall we say two sovs?

Oh, you are incredible!

Not only that, Barbara,

the perfect accessory

for any soothsayer...

..is this -

a predictive pen-holder.

I'll take it. Thank you!

Wait for it!

Check out these very rare pieces...

..of dried gravy.

Guaranteed to bring you great...

Gravy!

..luck.

Oh, I can't wait to try all of these!

Shall we say five sovs? Yeah, no problem.

And five for the pen holder? Yeah.

Three for the gravy? Yeah.

Tell you what, let's call it 18 all in.

Howell, you are the best!

Actually, Barbara, you know what you really need?

I get into the vault using an invisibility potion.

I attack the fairies with a sword of infinite sharpness.

I escape out the top of the tower

in a magical flying device,

and then I walk away with the amulet safely in my pocket.

Good plan.

Thanks.

It's all going to be fine!

I'm going to get into the Seers Guild,

and it's all thanks to this.

What is it?

It's a Candle of Confidence. It's amazing.

And just in case - I've got my pen holder.

And also...

Oh, my lucky gravy!

Right. Seers Guild, here I come.

Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Must be muntleberry season.

What?

The berries only come out once every 10 years,

and they last for just one day.

Howell's got this potion that he knocks up

that makes him incredibly charismatic.

He can make people do just about anything.

How do you know all this?

I bought this off him 10 years ago.

Said it'd bring in the customers.

Wait a minute, Herman, that's it!

That's how I get into the vault, with this charisma potion!

I charm the fairies, and they let me walk straight in. Brilliant!

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Well, lads, I'm getting the amulet back

and I'm going home.

Well, you got the potion, then? Don't need it.

Because I've got this!

It's a Climbing Fork.

How does it work?

Well, you simply use take the fork

and use it to climb up the tower and into the vault!

Yeah...

But how?

Honestly, Herman, keep up, will you?

You take the fork and then you use it to climb up the tower.

Perhaps you could demonstrate?

You guys! OK, alright.

You've got your climbing fork, yeah?

Yeah. And then you just climb up.

But how?

Using the fork!

Look. It's easy, OK?

You just...

Ah, no.

I think you just have to...

Well, you just, um...

You...

It's just a fork, isn't it?

Yep.

Wow. That potion is strong.

How am I supposed to get any without Howell charming me?

It'll wear off eventually. Yeah, but how will I know?

'Cause he'll be in here spending his money.

But when... Whoa!

Post. Special delivery.

It's a reply to my advert!

As I thought.

"Dear Rebel and Agitator.

"It seems we have a lot in common.

"I'd LOVE - and love is in capital letters -

"to meet at the Lake of Serenity this afternoon.

"Lorelei."

Isn't that where Slasher Morgan drowned all those dogs?

Dogs? Whoa!

Don't let go!

What's happening? It's self-returning. Hurry up, Steg!

Yeah, coming. One second.

Oh, God! "Dear Lorelei."

Steg!

"Perfect.

"Just the two of us... Keep hold of it, Brian!

Don't let go of it!

"..waiting for the sunset." Oh, it's hurting me!

Hold on a sec, is that two words or one?

Steg, you've got to hurry up!

Yeah, coming. One second.

There we go.

Come on, Steg! Hurry up, Steg.

My shoulders are separating.

Alright, go.

- Oi! - Watch it!

I'm off to get my bad boy jacket.

The ladies love it. Anons, gentlemen.

This reminds me of that winter campaign, when...

I'll have a pint please, Herman.

Yeah, coming up.

Why not buy this, um...

..oh, invisible pot?

You can't see it, can you?

Yeah. It's on my hand.

Yeah. About that high.

Yeah. And why would I buy that?

Well, 'cause I'm so charming.

You're a lunatic.

It must be wearing off.

Krunt! It's worn off.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello!

Lorelei? Over here!

Oh.

Hi, you're in the water.

Yup, that's me! You're a keen swimmer, right?

Yeah.

So, are you coming in?

Oh... Oh.

Oh.

Is that a dog?

Where is Howell? I mean, the pub's open.

Trust me, he'll be here.

I need that charisma potion.

By tonight, I'll be back in my own world.

- In my own bed! - Where is he?

Howell?

Disaster!

That candle I got off Howell, it doesn't work.

You do realise it's muntleberry season.

Oh, Krunt!

I've got my Seers Guild interview this afternoon,

what am I going to do?!

Howell? I bring news.

Something extraordinary has happened to me.

Don't tell me. I need the practice.

No-one came to your fifth birthday.

No. It's not that obviously.

See? I've got no chance!

Anyway, that was a mix up with dates.

What I am, in fact, referring to is my date with Lorelei.

She really got me, you know?

So when do we get to meet her?

Well, you know, there's no rush.

My pub not good enough for her?

She's a demi-fin.

Oh. Oh! Like a mermaid.

Well, I don't know what they call them in your world,

Brian, but in this world,

they're a persecuted minority like myself.

This could be the start of something special.

Has she asked you to swim upstream with her to...spawn yet?

That is piscophobic, actually, Herman.

Howell!

Don't even think about coming in here with that charisma potion!

Don't worry, it's worn off.

Now, Herman, a Whirling Dervish, please.

Heavy on the mustard.

Coming up.

You owe me 20 sovereigns!

I've got my Seers Guild interview in an hour,

and all I've got to help me is a half a candle,

a chipped mug and some gravy!

I do have some charisma potion left.

No, I need it.

I would never take charisma potion

because that would be cheating, wouldn't it?

And I'd get found out, wouldn't I? Wouldn't I?

Yeah. Definitely.

Some of us, Barbara, rely on our own natural charm and charisma.

Yeah.

Look, Howell, I need that potion to charm my way into the vault

so I can grab the amulet and go home.

I've only got one bottle left, Brian.

I don't have any money.

I don't want your money.

You can pay me by getting one small item from the vault.

The Necromancers' Total Spell book, Volume 1, A to N.

Deal! Just checking.

It would be wrong of me to take that

before my Seers Guild interview, wouldn't it?

Yes, it would.

Yes, that's what I thought. I thought that.

So, no, that's fine, fine. That's fine.

Alright, whatever.

Look, this is enough to get me in and out the vault, right?

Oh, you want to get out?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

To get out, you're going to need an extra dose.

This is absolutely, definitely the last bottle.

Shall we say Volume 2, O to X?

Yes. You're on. Right.

And if I take this, nothing weird's going to happen?

There's not going to be any side effects or anything?

Absolutely none.

Brilliant. This is it.

I've got what I need to get home!

How do I get to the fairies?

Oh, I just summon one up.

For a fee.

Volume 3, Y to Z?

Fine, yes. Whatever. Come on, let's go.

Oi!

I'd drink that potion up if I was you, Brian.

Nobody move!

Someone has been causing a disturbance.

Who was it?

Oi, you! What do you think you're doing?

Come here. Come here.

Name?

It's B-Brian.

Well, Brian, I'm going to take you...

..over to the bar and buy you a drink!

And if you don't mind me saying, that is a really nice jacket!

Well, we'll just leave you to it, Brian, you lovely, lovely man.

Yeah, I've got to go as well.

I love what you've done with your hair.

On your bike!

What can I get you?

Um, I'll have a pint, please, sir.

Please, call me Hawthorn. Oi, barman! One pint, pronto.

- Don't keep the gentleman waiting. - Course, sir.

And a small sherry for me.

Hurry up! Sorry for the delay, Brian.

You just can't get the staff nowadays, can you?

A very nice pint for one of our very best customers.

Now, Brian,

you've got to tell me about those fabulous shoes.

So, me and Chestnut,

we hear shouting from this house, right?

We ran over, kicked the door down,

but we're too late, everyone's dead!

Yeah, great stuff!

Do you know, I've always wanted to see the lead vault, Hawthorn.

You know, just to remind me how safe you fairies keep the town.

I'd love to take you there, Brian.

It's just that the vault is really heavily restricted

and out of bounds to non-fairy personnel.

No, you're absolutely right, Hawthorn.

Let me get you another sherry.

Oh, Brian, you really are tremendously kind. Thank you.

Oh, it's nothing.

You know what, in fact, I'll tell you something, Brian.

I am going to take you to that lead vault.

Really? Yeah. Stuff the rules!

And I'll tell you something else.

From up there, you get a lovely view of the town.

And I can't think of anyone else that I'd rather share it with.

Right. Well, then, perhaps we should...

Yeah?

Your drinks, Brian.

I'm going to be watching you!

And your pub.

After your, Brian.

Could I have the next candidate, please?

They should, of course, know who they are.

Yeah, and that is when he finally had his arms cut off!

And this is the door of the vaulted cell.

Nice and secure, as you can see.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Look, I don't mean to rush you, but do you think we could...?

Yes, of course.

I do apologise, Brian. Look at me, wasting your time!

I know.

Now, without further delay... Yep.

..let me open the door. Good.

What's all this? Non-fairy in the keep, Hawthorn?

That's right, Chestnut.

This is a very good friend of mine, Brian.

Brian, this is Chestnut.

Brian, may I just say that you have got marvellous ears

and it is an absolute pleasure to meet you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Funny story for you, Brian.

One time, me and Hawthorn,

we heard some screaming from a house,

and when we kicked the doors in...

Everyone was dead!

Yeah, no, that is good. I love that.

Do you reckon we could actually just get in that vault, though?

That'd be great if we could. Oh, very good, yeah.

May I have the honour of joining you?

Of course. Absolutely. Let's go.

Oi, oi, what's all this noise? Oh, God!

And what's this non-fairy doing inside the keep?

Who are you and...

..why have I not been introduced to this fine, upstanding young man?

Brian, this is Skylark.

Here we are.

Your place.

Thanks for a lovely time.

Doesn't have to end now, though, does it?

I could...slip in.

Do you mean...the lake?

Yeah. And that.

Oh, I'm sorry, Steg.

I wish we could take things further, but we can't.

I'm very broadminded. No, I mean we physically can't.

I don't have the...

I can't put it...? No.

All demi-fins use external fertilisation

of eggs released from their genital papillae.

It's just not possible.

So, that's it, then.

I'm afraid so. I'm not like normal women.

I know a wizard who can help us be together.

He could change you into a woman!

That would mean I'd have to give up everything

and I...just don't think I could do that.

Oh. I'm sorry, Steg.

I think we should call it a day.

Yeah, I understand.

Anons.

Well, um, could you tip me into the lake?

Couldn't you just...?

Oh, for...

Do you know what?

Take a look at this, Brian. My daughter gave me this.

It's a decorative twig. Do you like it?

Yes, it's great.

Tell you what, why don't I open the vault?

Of course, Brian, be my guest!

Ow! I propose a celebratory shanty.

Have some of my wife's mountain bread.

In yon bonny glade the old goat did stand and eat...

Yes. Lovely.

This is my eldest.

Oh, she's beautiful.

She?! That's my son.

Oh, well. Never mid, eh?

Let's go get that amulet!

Why?

You can't have that. It's confiscated.

Yeah, but I just really want it.

You know, 'cause it's me.

This is a restricted area. What are you doing here, anyway?

I just need to...take some medicine.

Oh. It's not there.

What's not there?

And who brought you here?

You did! Remember?

Hey, come on, guys, we're all friends, aren't we?

Remember?

Let's have another - On the old bonny glade...

He's using unauthorised magic. Leave this to me.

Ugh!

Right, boys, fill your boots.

Change of plan. Turns out I'm staying.

Oh, Brian, what's happened?

Remember when Howell said that there were no side effects?

Yeah, he was out by one.

Didn't the potion work?

Oh, it worked great. Until I ran out.

And then I couldn't find the second dose.

Well, maybe you dropped it.

Yeah, either that...

..or someone stole it.

Anyway, congratulations are in order.

Barbara's got into the Seers Guild.

Did you now, Barbara?

I know, it sounds surprising.

It really does.

Nice hat.

Thank you.

It's quite warm in here, isn't it? Getting warm, yeah.

Why don't you take it off?

Oh, no, I don't want to 'cause I like it.

Take it off.

Unless you've got something to hide.

Oh, you think I took your potion?

How else would you get into the Guild?

That is very, extremely hurtful.

And I will not take it off.

Brian! You got my spell books?

No side effects, eh?

Yeah.

And I think you'll find Barbara has the same under her hat.

I am NOT taking it off.

Let's crack on, shall we?

What's happening?

Separation spell for Lorelei.

What for?

A demi-fin is basically two creatures magically conjoined

and occupying the same time and space.

I'm will attempt to untangle them

so that Steg...and it...can consummate their fulfilment.

So they can squirl, Herman. Yeah.

Howell!

Come and watch a wizard at work.

What are you doing? Just let me have a look.

No! Let me have a look.

Perhaps you could start the incantation?

Yes, yes, of course. Excellent idea, Steg.

Can I just say that Lorelei has made me incredibly happy

and that I am thrilled that she has agreed

to undertake the separation process.

Yes, although I will miss the water.

Of course.

Whilst we won't be in the water, we can still be near it.

It is a bit risky.

But well worth it. Howell, can you crack on, please?

Actually, I really think I might be having second thoughts.

Howell!

I command these two beings to separate!

What in Krunt's name is that?

Well, that can happen.

She's a fish.

In this world, yes,

but in another time and space, she is now a complete woman.

I'm actually quite pleased with that.

She's a bloody fish. Oh, Steg, that's piscophobic.

Fuck off.

Oh, well. Plenty more f...

Don't say it!

The one time a girl...

Demi-fin. Whatever!

..was prepared to change her whole way of life for me

because she loved me for who I was,

my own true self.

Steg, you are - what we call in my world - an arse.

I'm going for a walk. Can anyone lend me a hat?

Have mine.

I lied about getting into the Seers Guild.

I didn't even make it into the interview.

I bought that from the gift shop.

Don't forget your fish!

Poor old Steg, I almost feel sorry for him.

I don't. He stole my potion.

It'll be 10 years before I can try that again.

You do still, of course, owe me for the spell books, Brian.

But under the circumstances,

I am willing to accept their equivalent monetary value.

Seeing as your feeling homesick, Brian,

I thought I'd cheer you up with this - fish and chips!

That's brilliant!

Oh, that's great, that is.

Actually, Barbara, you did see me with a fish.

I am a good soothsayer, aren't I?

Cheers. Have you got any jam?

Steg?! I wasn't expecting you back.

I've come to a decision. That looks nice.

I've decided to make a go of it with Lorelei.

I mean, she may not be exactly the person

I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with,

but it's not what she looks like.

It's what's inside that matters.

Where is she?

This is her, isn't it?

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