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1
00:00:04,766 --> 00:00:06,934
Look at this deformed little guy.
2
00:00:07,005 --> 00:00:09,607
I'm gonna name him Dexter.
3
00:00:09,679 --> 00:00:12,481
He's kind of built
like a guy I used to date.
4
00:00:12,553 --> 00:00:13,987
Which part of him?
5
00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:15,790
The part you don't want
shaped like this.
6
00:00:17,398 --> 00:00:19,499
Darlene, can I talk to you for a moment?
7
00:00:19,571 --> 00:00:20,904
Uh, excuse me.
8
00:00:20,974 --> 00:00:23,342
As union rep, I'd like
to know what this is about.
9
00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:25,348
When did you become union rep?
10
00:00:25,419 --> 00:00:27,954
When I got them to change the drug test.
11
00:00:28,026 --> 00:00:31,028
It was my reward for
watching everyone pee.
12
00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,566
It's none of your business.
13
00:00:32,637 --> 00:00:34,538
Okay, then. Carry on.
14
00:00:35,711 --> 00:00:39,380
So, Darlene, I have some good news.
15
00:00:39,454 --> 00:00:42,456
It's good?
Well, that's news right there.
16
00:00:42,529 --> 00:00:46,165
Your name came up recently with
some of the people upstairs,
17
00:00:46,236 --> 00:00:47,270
if you know what I mean.
18
00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:50,776
Oh, sure, yeah, the upstairs people.
19
00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:53,585
They want to make you a line
supervisor. Congratulations.
20
00:00:53,657 --> 00:00:56,025
Me? How come?
21
00:00:56,097 --> 00:00:57,430
Wait. Nobody else wanted it, right?
22
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:58,700
No.
23
00:00:58,770 --> 00:01:00,471
The current supervisor is stepping down
24
00:01:00,540 --> 00:01:02,141
to take care of a bleeding ulcer.
25
00:01:02,212 --> 00:01:04,046
But don't worry. It isn't work-related.
26
00:01:04,117 --> 00:01:06,184
Although the drinking problem
probably is.
27
00:01:06,255 --> 00:01:08,456
Wow! God. Thank you.
28
00:01:08,528 --> 00:01:10,863
I-I couldn't have done this
without your mentoring.
29
00:01:10,933 --> 00:01:12,367
Yeah, you're right.
30
00:01:12,438 --> 00:01:14,906
Really is much more my victory
than it is yours, isn't it?
31
00:01:14,977 --> 00:01:17,044
Anyway, just come upstairs
after your shift
32
00:01:17,116 --> 00:01:19,017
and we'll talk about
compensation and benefits.
33
00:01:20,291 --> 00:01:21,191
Wow.
34
00:01:22,563 --> 00:01:24,264
What did she want?
35
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,601
You know how you're always saying
36
00:01:25,671 --> 00:01:28,072
that my lousy people skills
would hold me back?
37
00:01:28,144 --> 00:01:31,780
Well, I'm your boss now, so suck it!
38
00:01:31,853 --> 00:01:34,188
Congratulations!
39
00:01:34,259 --> 00:01:37,628
You may be surprised to hear
this, but I'm a little bummed.
40
00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:39,402
We've been having fun working together.
41
00:01:39,472 --> 00:01:41,373
Oh, well, I'm still
gonna be on the floor.
42
00:01:41,444 --> 00:01:43,412
It's just now I can
make your life miserable
43
00:01:43,482 --> 00:01:45,450
- if you displease me.
- Right!
44
00:01:45,521 --> 00:01:47,255
And as union steward,
45
00:01:47,326 --> 00:01:50,728
one misstep on your part,
and I can shut down the factory.
46
00:01:50,801 --> 00:01:52,902
See? This is gonna be fun for everybody.
47
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:59,137
3x09
Promotions, Podcasts and Magic Tea
48
00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:10,633
?
49
00:02:10,718 --> 00:02:18,659
?
50
00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:26,478
?
51
00:02:26,558 --> 00:02:29,470
?
52
00:02:30,873 --> 00:02:34,072
- [Laughter]
- Come to Mama!
53
00:02:34,144 --> 00:02:36,379
Louise, you're killing me here.
54
00:02:36,450 --> 00:02:38,384
Gosh. Where did you learn to play poker?
55
00:02:38,455 --> 00:02:40,055
Ah, when I was doing gigs on the road,
56
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:42,761
we'd play poker
breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
57
00:02:42,833 --> 00:02:46,435
There were games
that went 72 hours straight.
58
00:02:46,508 --> 00:02:48,242
Well, that's obviously an exaggeration.
59
00:02:48,313 --> 00:02:50,447
How could anybody stay up
for three nights playing poker?
60
00:02:50,519 --> 00:02:53,254
D.J... sniffy, sniffy.
61
00:02:53,326 --> 00:02:54,726
Ohh!
62
00:02:54,796 --> 00:02:57,965
How could you play well
when you're all jacked up on...
63
00:02:58,038 --> 00:03:00,339
[Stammers] ...grape soda?
64
00:03:01,647 --> 00:03:03,481
Yeah, I'm not a grape-soda guy.
65
00:03:03,552 --> 00:03:05,787
I don't know how people could afford it.
66
00:03:05,857 --> 00:03:08,025
I'd have lost this house.
67
00:03:08,097 --> 00:03:09,631
Sooner.
68
00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:12,536
I love grape soda. Can I have
some before I go to bed?
69
00:03:12,607 --> 00:03:15,276
Uh, no, honey, grape soda
will keep you up.
70
00:03:15,348 --> 00:03:18,017
Not as much as grape soda.
71
00:03:18,089 --> 00:03:19,389
Come on.
72
00:03:19,459 --> 00:03:21,827
Before I go home, I'll tuck you in.
73
00:03:21,898 --> 00:03:25,734
So, Louise, now that we can
stop saying "grape soda,"
74
00:03:25,808 --> 00:03:28,577
what else did you do in your
crazy rock-and-roller days?
75
00:03:28,648 --> 00:03:29,815
Lots of stuff.
76
00:03:29,885 --> 00:03:31,586
Probably the weirdest one
77
00:03:31,656 --> 00:03:34,859
was we drank "herbal" tea with a Shaman.
78
00:03:34,931 --> 00:03:37,433
Oh. Psychoactive herbs, right?
79
00:03:37,505 --> 00:03:39,005
Yeah, I know some other vets
80
00:03:39,075 --> 00:03:40,575
who use that stuff in their practice.
81
00:03:40,645 --> 00:03:43,013
There was this one study
where they gave it
82
00:03:43,085 --> 00:03:46,254
to this sad, depressed
geriatric chimpanzee.
83
00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:48,528
I mean, she was a real tough case.
84
00:03:48,599 --> 00:03:52,035
I mean, she wasn't mating or
bonding with the other chimps.
85
00:03:52,108 --> 00:03:54,910
She just laid in her cage
and picked at herself.
86
00:03:54,981 --> 00:03:58,017
Oh, man. It's like there's
a camera in my bedroom.
87
00:03:59,226 --> 00:04:00,826
Well, it turned that chimp right around.
88
00:04:00,896 --> 00:04:02,263
- Really?
- Yeah.
89
00:04:02,334 --> 00:04:05,169
Yeah, I think it did help me
work through some stuff
90
00:04:05,241 --> 00:04:07,576
from my past that was holding me back.
91
00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:10,950
I wouldn't recommend it, though.
It's pretty rough on the body.
92
00:04:11,022 --> 00:04:12,790
Well, I don't care
how rough it is on the body.
93
00:04:12,860 --> 00:04:14,595
I'll take it if it gets me
through another day
94
00:04:14,664 --> 00:04:16,932
of shopping
for other people's groceries.
95
00:04:17,004 --> 00:04:19,105
I mean, i-it was fun at first,
96
00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:21,944
but, man, I need a creative outlet.
97
00:04:22,017 --> 00:04:23,551
I'm a storyteller.
98
00:04:23,621 --> 00:04:25,054
Really?
99
00:04:25,124 --> 00:04:28,360
'Cause this story just seems
to be about you whining.
100
00:04:28,432 --> 00:04:32,002
Hey, hey. I am grateful
to have a job, okay?
101
00:04:32,075 --> 00:04:33,342
But it's tough.
102
00:04:33,412 --> 00:04:34,846
Got chewed out today for not picking up
103
00:04:34,915 --> 00:04:37,350
gluten-free ice cream for a kid's party.
104
00:04:37,422 --> 00:04:39,223
I mean, so the kid farts
on his birthday.
105
00:04:39,294 --> 00:04:42,663
He can blow out the candles
any way he wants, right?
106
00:04:42,735 --> 00:04:44,503
- Hey!
- Hey.
107
00:04:44,573 --> 00:04:47,342
Guess who got promoted
to line supervisor today.
108
00:04:47,415 --> 00:04:49,282
- Ohh!
- Oh! Becky!
109
00:04:49,352 --> 00:04:50,752
Yeah, that would make more sense, right?
110
00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:51,890
But no.
111
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,627
It's this charmless bag of sadness.
112
00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:56,600
- JACKIE: Aww.
- DARLENE: Yep.
113
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,138
Get right with your maker, folks.
114
00:04:58,208 --> 00:04:59,742
It's clearly the end of days.
115
00:04:59,812 --> 00:05:02,980
Oh. Hey. Good for you, honey.
116
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,388
About time one of us caught a break.
117
00:05:05,460 --> 00:05:07,160
Hey. We got to celebrate this.
118
00:05:07,231 --> 00:05:08,798
Yeah. This is big.
119
00:05:08,868 --> 00:05:10,836
First Conner to chew her way
through the wall
120
00:05:10,906 --> 00:05:12,607
into the executive suite.
121
00:05:12,678 --> 00:05:16,147
They can patch up the hole,
but it's too late! We're in!
122
00:05:16,221 --> 00:05:17,688
[Laughter]
123
00:05:17,758 --> 00:05:20,025
BECKY: Yay!
124
00:05:20,097 --> 00:05:22,932
To Darlene, moving up in the world!
125
00:05:23,004 --> 00:05:24,805
[Slurring] Yeah!
126
00:05:24,876 --> 00:05:27,344
That's right! Moving up!
127
00:05:27,416 --> 00:05:28,783
Congratulations, Darlene.
128
00:05:28,852 --> 00:05:30,953
Uh, I mean, I got a promotion,
and we didn't do squat,
129
00:05:31,024 --> 00:05:33,392
but this is still great.
130
00:05:33,464 --> 00:05:36,366
I got made union rep, and nobody
gave a crap about that, either.
131
00:05:36,439 --> 00:05:37,539
To Darlene!
132
00:05:37,607 --> 00:05:40,009
To my successful mom...
133
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,248
who's gonna be using her raise
to buy me new boots.
134
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,421
You've never had the chance
to buy my love before,
135
00:05:44,492 --> 00:05:45,892
but now you can.
136
00:05:45,962 --> 00:05:47,396
Yeah. Put your glass down.
137
00:05:47,466 --> 00:05:49,667
I'm gonna use the extra money
from the raise
138
00:05:49,738 --> 00:05:51,206
to try to catch up on bills.
139
00:05:51,275 --> 00:05:56,179
Well, I just want to s-say that, uh...
140
00:05:56,255 --> 00:05:58,790
this is a tremendous accomplishment.
141
00:05:58,862 --> 00:06:01,430
You mean standing up to speak?
142
00:06:01,502 --> 00:06:04,103
I am celebrating Darlene's promotion,
143
00:06:04,175 --> 00:06:06,810
and if you cared about her,
you'd be drinking, too.
144
00:06:06,882 --> 00:06:08,549
I'm an alcoholic.
145
00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:11,522
Well, you should've thought
about that earlier.
146
00:06:12,796 --> 00:06:15,431
And you are something else, you know?
147
00:06:15,503 --> 00:06:18,005
And it's not about
the money or the title.
148
00:06:18,076 --> 00:06:22,113
It's really about you being
rewarded for your hard work
149
00:06:22,187 --> 00:06:23,855
at a time when so many
150
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:27,193
are feeling utter, bottomless despair.
151
00:06:27,266 --> 00:06:29,000
To despair! Yeah!
152
00:06:29,071 --> 00:06:30,805
I'll drink to that.
153
00:06:32,046 --> 00:06:34,681
- [Clears throat] Hey.
- Hey.
154
00:06:34,752 --> 00:06:36,219
You okay?
155
00:06:36,289 --> 00:06:38,891
I am fantastic.
156
00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:40,730
Are you sure you need another drink?
157
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,836
Well, well... yeah.
158
00:06:45,579 --> 00:06:47,914
Uh... listen.
159
00:06:47,986 --> 00:06:50,487
I know you're down
about your job lately,
160
00:06:50,559 --> 00:06:51,926
but, um, things can change.
161
00:06:51,996 --> 00:06:53,529
I mean, they turned around for me,
162
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,067
and they're going to for you, too.
163
00:06:55,137 --> 00:06:56,704
Mm.
164
00:06:56,774 --> 00:07:01,277
That is right, and I know
what could turn it around.
165
00:07:01,352 --> 00:07:03,120
Podcasting.
166
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:05,225
Paper media is dead.
167
00:07:05,295 --> 00:07:09,032
Radio is the future.
168
00:07:09,105 --> 00:07:10,739
Really? 'Cause I thought
talking pictures
169
00:07:10,810 --> 00:07:11,977
was the next big thing.
170
00:07:12,047 --> 00:07:15,082
[Scoffs] No. Podcasts.
171
00:07:15,155 --> 00:07:18,891
And what are the most popular
podcasts about?
172
00:07:18,963 --> 00:07:22,266
Food and true crime.
173
00:07:22,339 --> 00:07:25,175
Okay. Yeah. You know what?
I guess that makes sense.
174
00:07:25,246 --> 00:07:29,083
You love to cook and you used to
have a mugshot magazine.
175
00:07:29,156 --> 00:07:32,025
Whoa! I hadn't even thought of that!
176
00:07:32,098 --> 00:07:33,698
[Laughs] But...
177
00:07:33,768 --> 00:07:35,836
But, hey, tonight is not about me.
178
00:07:35,906 --> 00:07:38,041
It is about you.
179
00:07:38,113 --> 00:07:40,714
And I am just so proud of you.
180
00:07:40,786 --> 00:07:43,554
Yeah, you keep saying that.
181
00:07:43,626 --> 00:07:45,627
How about we get you some coffee?
182
00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:48,533
Mnh. No.
183
00:07:48,606 --> 00:07:50,874
You're the big shot. Huh?
184
00:07:50,944 --> 00:07:53,913
I should be getting coffee for you.
185
00:07:53,986 --> 00:07:56,587
I'm gonna go look for some
in the back of your car,
186
00:07:56,659 --> 00:07:58,026
and if I don't find any,
187
00:07:58,096 --> 00:08:00,039
I'm just gonna wet myself and pass out.
188
00:08:05,654 --> 00:08:09,411
Hey, Dan. We have
the whole house to ourselves.
189
00:08:09,449 --> 00:08:11,709
Darlene and the kids won't
be back for a couple hours.
190
00:08:11,771 --> 00:08:14,205
I'm way ahead of you.
191
00:08:14,278 --> 00:08:16,315
We move out before they get back, right?
192
00:08:16,428 --> 00:08:19,197
H-Hey, Dan! Louise!
193
00:08:19,269 --> 00:08:22,205
Uh, hi, you guys.
You ever knock or call first?
194
00:08:22,276 --> 00:08:24,678
Well, here's the thing.
195
00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:27,678
Neville and I drank the tea.
196
00:08:27,730 --> 00:08:28,891
Okay.
197
00:08:28,961 --> 00:08:31,529
The tea, Dan. The herbal tea.
198
00:08:31,601 --> 00:08:33,101
Oh, God. You did it?
199
00:08:33,171 --> 00:08:34,805
About 45 minutes ago.
200
00:08:34,876 --> 00:08:37,477
Uh, yeah, but you're not supposed
to do that by yourselves.
201
00:08:37,549 --> 00:08:40,284
You're supposed to have a Shaman
to keep watch over you.
202
00:08:40,356 --> 00:08:43,591
Yeah, that's gonna be you guys.
You're the Shamans.
203
00:08:44,466 --> 00:08:47,835
Gee, Jackie, I hope you don't
think I was recommending this.
204
00:08:47,909 --> 00:08:49,109
Well, you're the one that said
205
00:08:49,178 --> 00:08:50,845
it might've helped you
overcome past trauma,
206
00:08:50,916 --> 00:08:53,751
'cause I've tried everything
from therapy
207
00:08:53,824 --> 00:08:55,991
to voodoo to quit sabotaging myself,
208
00:08:56,062 --> 00:08:59,097
and nothing's worked, so I want
to be as happy as that monkey!
209
00:08:59,170 --> 00:09:01,104
Yeah, uh, you know,
210
00:09:01,175 --> 00:09:03,009
you shouldn't have just gone
and drank that tea.
211
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,381
You have no idea how
you're gonna react to it.
212
00:09:05,452 --> 00:09:08,955
No, I can see how I'm
[chuckling] reacting to it.
213
00:09:09,028 --> 00:09:10,629
There's a clarity to the universe
214
00:09:10,699 --> 00:09:11,832
that I've never seen before.
215
00:09:11,902 --> 00:09:15,505
I can actually feel the Earth spinning.
216
00:09:15,578 --> 00:09:17,079
I'm gonna throw up.
217
00:09:17,148 --> 00:09:19,083
[Chuckles]
218
00:09:19,153 --> 00:09:21,154
Where should I throw up?
219
00:09:21,225 --> 00:09:22,559
Are you guys picky about it?
220
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,831
Bathroom's that way, Neville!
221
00:09:24,902 --> 00:09:27,703
?
222
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,210
Hey, what's all this for?
223
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,248
I am doing a podcast
about the top two things
224
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,121
Americans are most obsessed with.
225
00:09:34,191 --> 00:09:36,793
Let me guess. Sex and money.
226
00:09:36,865 --> 00:09:37,898
And football.
227
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:40,803
Uh, and... and pizza and squirrels
228
00:09:40,876 --> 00:09:43,878
who sit on little picnic benches
and eat tiny food.
229
00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:45,784
Sex and squirrels. Final answer.
230
00:09:45,854 --> 00:09:47,055
Wrong.
231
00:09:47,124 --> 00:09:49,326
It's about true crime and food,
232
00:09:49,397 --> 00:09:51,432
which is why I'm calling my podcast
233
00:09:51,502 --> 00:09:53,937
"Whatever Doesn't Kill You
Makes You Hungry."
234
00:09:54,009 --> 00:09:56,143
So what's the first episode about?
235
00:09:56,214 --> 00:09:58,782
Well, I have got a historian coming
236
00:09:58,854 --> 00:10:00,955
from the University of Chicago
who's done some digging
237
00:10:01,026 --> 00:10:02,927
into the Sweeney Todd legend.
238
00:10:02,998 --> 00:10:04,932
Hey! I know that!
239
00:10:05,003 --> 00:10:07,204
Johnny Depp plays a guy
who kills a lot of people,
240
00:10:07,275 --> 00:10:09,343
but they're happy to die
because it's better
241
00:10:09,414 --> 00:10:10,981
than listening to him sing.
242
00:10:11,052 --> 00:10:13,387
[Chuckles] Well, it's close.
243
00:10:13,457 --> 00:10:16,660
It's about a barber who turns
his customers into pies.
244
00:10:16,732 --> 00:10:19,401
About the desperation
of lower-class London
245
00:10:19,473 --> 00:10:21,474
and how moral boundaries eroded
246
00:10:21,545 --> 00:10:24,347
to allow the most unthinkable of crimes.
247
00:10:24,419 --> 00:10:26,019
Wow.
248
00:10:26,090 --> 00:10:28,692
I love stories about
people who eat people.
249
00:10:28,763 --> 00:10:31,265
They're the luckiest people
in the world.
250
00:10:31,336 --> 00:10:33,771
Ah! Hey! You're back.
251
00:10:33,843 --> 00:10:35,444
Hey. What's going on?
252
00:10:35,513 --> 00:10:37,514
Well, it's all here,
253
00:10:37,585 --> 00:10:39,553
all the stuff I need for my podcast.
254
00:10:39,623 --> 00:10:41,024
Oh, your podcast?
255
00:10:41,095 --> 00:10:42,962
I can't believe you even remember that.
256
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:44,300
Are you kidding?
First thing this morning.
257
00:10:44,369 --> 00:10:46,370
I found all this equipment
on Craigslist.
258
00:10:46,441 --> 00:10:48,109
400 bucks.
259
00:10:48,179 --> 00:10:49,747
400 bucks?
260
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,984
That's actually a really good deal.
261
00:10:52,055 --> 00:10:54,056
The guy was high as a kite,
so I took advantage of him,
262
00:10:54,128 --> 00:10:56,162
if it was even his stuff.
263
00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:59,168
Uh, hey, Becky, could you give
me and Ben a minute to talk?
264
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,807
Sure. When the cops come,
265
00:11:00,878 --> 00:11:04,547
am I supposed to say I've seen
this equipment or what?
266
00:11:06,224 --> 00:11:09,126
Thank you for being
so supportive last night.
267
00:11:09,199 --> 00:11:11,333
I got to admit, I was [chuckles]
268
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:14,039
a little rattled at your celebration,
269
00:11:14,111 --> 00:11:15,611
so I had to put on a brave face.
270
00:11:15,682 --> 00:11:16,949
It's all good now.
271
00:11:17,019 --> 00:11:18,953
I've got my thing,
you've got your thing,
272
00:11:19,024 --> 00:11:20,758
and we both got things.
273
00:11:22,131 --> 00:11:23,398
[Sighs]
274
00:11:23,468 --> 00:11:24,702
Okay.
275
00:11:24,772 --> 00:11:26,239
Yeah. Alright.
276
00:11:26,309 --> 00:11:28,243
You know, maybe if you've
got something fun to do,
277
00:11:28,314 --> 00:11:31,482
then it'll make going to work
a little easier.
278
00:11:31,555 --> 00:11:33,723
Well, that's the thing.
279
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:37,563
This is going to be my work now.
280
00:11:37,637 --> 00:11:39,204
I quit Instacart.
281
00:11:39,275 --> 00:11:41,009
Wait. You quit your job?
282
00:11:41,079 --> 00:11:43,247
I know it's radical,
but I am telling you,
283
00:11:43,318 --> 00:11:44,619
this is gonna be great for us.
284
00:11:46,092 --> 00:11:48,460
Oh, if you see Neville,
285
00:11:48,531 --> 00:11:50,232
he's gonna tell you he's a butterfly.
286
00:11:50,303 --> 00:11:51,636
Don't disagree with him.
287
00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:58,182
I don't care what you say, Mom!
288
00:11:58,256 --> 00:12:01,264
Even if the milk is free,
they will buy the cow
289
00:12:01,402 --> 00:12:04,438
- because the milk is that good!
- Aw.
290
00:12:04,711 --> 00:12:07,045
You know, it's probably
hard for you to remember
291
00:12:07,116 --> 00:12:09,551
because you are out of your mind,
292
00:12:09,622 --> 00:12:11,690
but again, I'm not your mom.
293
00:12:11,753 --> 00:12:14,021
Oh. I wish you were my mom.
294
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:16,001
Would it be okay
if I curled up in your lap?
295
00:12:16,072 --> 00:12:18,340
Oh, not even a little.
296
00:12:18,412 --> 00:12:19,776
Could you pet my head?
297
00:12:19,803 --> 00:12:21,738
[Both chuckle]
298
00:12:21,766 --> 00:12:23,133
I feel safe with you.
299
00:12:23,203 --> 00:12:24,804
I never felt safe with my mom
300
00:12:24,875 --> 00:12:25,908
because she was always telling me
301
00:12:25,977 --> 00:12:28,445
all the things that were wrong with me.
302
00:12:28,516 --> 00:12:31,318
Well, we don't all get great moms.
303
00:12:31,390 --> 00:12:34,792
My mom always said that I would
O.D. on drugs at 27.
304
00:12:34,866 --> 00:12:36,634
[Chuckles] Joke's on her.
305
00:12:36,704 --> 00:12:39,373
I turned away from the light
just to stick it to her.
306
00:12:39,444 --> 00:12:41,879
[Gasps] Oh, my God.
307
00:12:41,951 --> 00:12:46,187
You didn't die because you were
supposed to be here now.
308
00:12:46,261 --> 00:12:47,862
Sure.
309
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:51,268
It's all been building to this.
310
00:12:51,341 --> 00:12:53,409
Look, it's pretty clear
311
00:12:53,479 --> 00:12:55,747
that you've been trying
to find things from men
312
00:12:55,819 --> 00:12:57,520
that you couldn't get from your mother.
313
00:12:57,590 --> 00:13:01,026
Are you saying
that I wanted sex from my mom?
314
00:13:01,099 --> 00:13:03,867
Oh, my God! This is an awakening.
315
00:13:03,939 --> 00:13:06,975
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
Let's try it this way.
316
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:10,883
You see, there is a Jackie
inside that was created
317
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,825
- by things your mom said.
- [Gasps]
318
00:13:12,895 --> 00:13:15,464
Now, you know how you just
threw up a minute ago?
319
00:13:15,535 --> 00:13:16,902
Yeah.
320
00:13:16,972 --> 00:13:19,841
You just threw up the damaged Jackie,
321
00:13:19,913 --> 00:13:21,848
the not-good-enough Jackie,
322
00:13:21,918 --> 00:13:24,153
the doesn't-deserve-
a-relationship Jackie.
323
00:13:24,224 --> 00:13:25,758
Oh.
324
00:13:25,828 --> 00:13:29,164
It looked like apple pie.
325
00:13:29,237 --> 00:13:33,040
No, it was the Jackie
that's been holding you back.
326
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,281
- [Gasps]
- All she was was words,
327
00:13:35,352 --> 00:13:37,053
and you just threw them up.
328
00:13:37,123 --> 00:13:38,157
Oh, my God.
329
00:13:38,226 --> 00:13:40,895
I did. I see it now.
330
00:13:40,966 --> 00:13:43,234
And now you can create a new Jackie,
331
00:13:43,306 --> 00:13:45,741
and she can be anyone you want.
332
00:13:45,812 --> 00:13:50,682
A Jackie that's perfect
and deserves unconditional love?
333
00:13:50,758 --> 00:13:53,927
That's a question. Make it a statement.
334
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:57,335
I'm a Jackie that's perfect
335
00:13:57,408 --> 00:14:01,177
and deserves unconditional love!
336
00:14:01,251 --> 00:14:04,320
NEVILLE: I'm a pony! Yee-whoo!
337
00:14:05,629 --> 00:14:07,964
So, the doctor says, "Hugh, you
got holes the size of quarters
338
00:14:08,034 --> 00:14:09,768
in your lower colon.
339
00:14:09,839 --> 00:14:11,406
You just weren't built
for the high-stakes excitement
340
00:14:11,477 --> 00:14:12,544
of the plastics game."
341
00:14:12,613 --> 00:14:13,946
We love you, Hugh!
342
00:14:14,017 --> 00:14:15,417
[Scattered cheering]
343
00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,788
The last thing I want to say
is don't trust management.
344
00:14:17,859 --> 00:14:20,227
They're a bunch of snakes. God bless.
345
00:14:22,739 --> 00:14:25,140
I'd like to introduce our newest snake,
346
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:27,246
our beloved Hugh's replacement...
347
00:14:27,317 --> 00:14:31,420
Darlene "Cobra" Conner!
348
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:36,135
[Sighing] Alright.
349
00:14:38,947 --> 00:14:42,115
Thank you, thank you.
350
00:14:42,188 --> 00:14:44,957
So, I've only had this job
for three hours,
351
00:14:45,028 --> 00:14:46,062
but I can feel the hatred
352
00:14:46,131 --> 00:14:48,866
shooting through your eyes already.
353
00:14:48,938 --> 00:14:50,839
Uh, we have a new policy...
354
00:14:50,910 --> 00:14:53,078
Hugh would've told you
if he had any guts,
355
00:14:53,148 --> 00:14:56,084
but apparently those are dissolving...
356
00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:58,691
that from now on,
357
00:14:58,763 --> 00:15:01,231
sick leave will be considered
vacation time.
358
00:15:01,303 --> 00:15:03,037
- What?
- So let's have some cake.
359
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:06,078
Seriously?
360
00:15:06,148 --> 00:15:08,516
You're trying to take away
our vacation time?
361
00:15:08,588 --> 00:15:11,056
You do that,
and I'm organizing a walkout.
362
00:15:11,128 --> 00:15:13,562
ALL: Yeah!
363
00:15:13,634 --> 00:15:15,135
Congratulations on your first day.
364
00:15:15,204 --> 00:15:16,705
I think it's going really well.
365
00:15:18,613 --> 00:15:20,947
It's tough replacing someone
everyone loves.
366
00:15:21,019 --> 00:15:23,721
Especially when you're
somebody no one loves.
367
00:15:23,793 --> 00:15:25,794
Not in the mood, Becky.
368
00:15:25,864 --> 00:15:28,132
Ooh, trouble in SisterLand?
369
00:15:28,204 --> 00:15:29,905
SisterLand was shut down in the '80s
370
00:15:29,975 --> 00:15:32,143
after people were hurt on the rides.
371
00:15:32,214 --> 00:15:33,915
It's Ben.
372
00:15:33,985 --> 00:15:36,087
The minute I got this promotion
373
00:15:36,157 --> 00:15:38,192
and we could finally
put a few bucks away,
374
00:15:38,262 --> 00:15:40,330
he quit his job.
375
00:15:40,402 --> 00:15:44,205
He's seeking his fortune as
the podcast king of our kitchen.
376
00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:47,347
The poor guy's been floundering
ever since he lost the magazine.
377
00:15:47,419 --> 00:15:49,353
He's finally found
something he wants to do.
378
00:15:49,425 --> 00:15:51,159
No, it's not just that.
379
00:15:51,229 --> 00:15:53,330
He's being weird about my promotion.
380
00:15:53,402 --> 00:15:55,336
Yeah, some men get a little screwy
381
00:15:55,407 --> 00:15:57,207
when their partners start
making more money than they do.
382
00:15:57,278 --> 00:15:59,012
It's a thing, right?
383
00:15:59,082 --> 00:16:01,583
Husbands one and two
had a big thing about it.
384
00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:02,989
My career started to take off
385
00:16:03,058 --> 00:16:04,259
and they just couldn't handle it.
386
00:16:04,328 --> 00:16:07,063
Maybe calling them "husband one"
and "husband two"
387
00:16:07,136 --> 00:16:10,172
also affected their self-worth.
388
00:16:10,243 --> 00:16:12,478
That's why I call
husband number three "Carl."
389
00:16:13,619 --> 00:16:15,387
I've learned to just be supportive
390
00:16:15,457 --> 00:16:18,892
of whatever mindless,
idiotic stuff they come up with.
391
00:16:18,966 --> 00:16:19,995
[Scoffs]
392
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,937
Whatever happened to trying to
build a relationship on honesty?
393
00:16:23,009 --> 00:16:25,711
Look, honey, I've had
a 15-year relationship
394
00:16:25,790 --> 00:16:27,390
with a wonderful man,
395
00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:30,323
all built on a foundation
of little white lies
396
00:16:30,394 --> 00:16:33,964
and fantasies of me cheating
on him with Eric in accounting.
397
00:16:34,037 --> 00:16:36,672
So my only option
is to lie to boost Ben's ego
398
00:16:36,744 --> 00:16:39,012
and fantasize
about someone in accounting?
399
00:16:39,083 --> 00:16:41,417
Yes, but not Eric.
400
00:16:41,489 --> 00:16:45,325
It's bad form to have dream sex
with your boss's fake boyfriend.
401
00:16:45,399 --> 00:16:47,367
Thanks, Becky.
402
00:16:47,437 --> 00:16:49,839
Why don't you take
the rest of the afternoon off?
403
00:16:49,911 --> 00:16:53,313
I'm just kidding.
You're hanging by a thread here.
404
00:16:53,386 --> 00:16:55,020
?
405
00:16:55,090 --> 00:16:56,791
Is that electrolyte stuff helping?
406
00:16:56,862 --> 00:16:59,964
Because you literally took it
out of the mouth of a baby.
407
00:17:00,037 --> 00:17:02,838
Was Beverly Rose tripping yesterday?
408
00:17:02,910 --> 00:17:05,145
I don't think so.
409
00:17:05,215 --> 00:17:06,916
[Knock on door]
410
00:17:06,987 --> 00:17:10,823
Oh, look who's back,
Mr. Everything is Beautiful.
411
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,497
You know what's not beautiful?
412
00:17:12,568 --> 00:17:15,170
This bath mat that was covered
in your revelations.
413
00:17:15,241 --> 00:17:16,609
Aw.
414
00:17:16,678 --> 00:17:17,578
Sorry about that.
415
00:17:17,648 --> 00:17:18,848
[Chuckles]
416
00:17:18,917 --> 00:17:19,883
- Hey, Jackie.
- Hey.
417
00:17:19,953 --> 00:17:21,120
How you feeling?
418
00:17:21,190 --> 00:17:23,057
Oh, stronger by the minute.
How about you?
419
00:17:23,128 --> 00:17:25,196
Well, I didn't have a lot to purge,
420
00:17:25,266 --> 00:17:27,601
but I am more accepting
of my longer second toe.
421
00:17:27,673 --> 00:17:29,040
[Both laugh]
422
00:17:29,110 --> 00:17:30,577
I just wish I could've been
there for you.
423
00:17:30,647 --> 00:17:31,913
Oh, no, that's okay.
424
00:17:31,983 --> 00:17:34,151
Louise was there for me,
and she helped me see
425
00:17:34,223 --> 00:17:37,959
that I really do deserve
something good in my life.
426
00:17:38,033 --> 00:17:41,101
Does that include me?
427
00:17:41,174 --> 00:17:43,609
Yes, Neville, I think
that that could include you.
428
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,313
That's really fantastic!
429
00:17:45,384 --> 00:17:46,418
But I got to warn ya.
430
00:17:46,487 --> 00:17:49,089
I think a lot more of myself now, so...
431
00:17:49,161 --> 00:17:50,428
[Chuckles]
432
00:17:50,497 --> 00:17:52,832
...I might be a handful.
433
00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:55,204
[Both laugh]
434
00:17:55,276 --> 00:17:57,544
?
435
00:17:57,615 --> 00:18:00,517
You can find all the recipes for
the dishes I talked about today
436
00:18:00,589 --> 00:18:02,223
on the website.
437
00:18:02,294 --> 00:18:03,694
Thank you for listening.
438
00:18:03,764 --> 00:18:05,998
And, uh, join us again next week.
439
00:18:06,070 --> 00:18:09,606
And remember, don't kill where ya eat!
440
00:18:11,550 --> 00:18:13,651
Huh? It's good stuff, right?
441
00:18:13,722 --> 00:18:15,690
Yeah. Can I talk to you for a sec?
442
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,595
Sure.
443
00:18:17,665 --> 00:18:18,599
[Clears throat]
444
00:18:18,668 --> 00:18:19,735
Alright.
445
00:18:19,805 --> 00:18:22,573
So, I was talking to Robin
today at work,
446
00:18:22,645 --> 00:18:25,947
and she was saying how it can be
challenging for a couple
447
00:18:26,020 --> 00:18:29,589
when the woman starts, you know,
achieving career goals
448
00:18:29,663 --> 00:18:31,531
and climbing the ladder,
449
00:18:31,601 --> 00:18:34,537
and the guy is, you know,
doing a podcast.
450
00:18:34,608 --> 00:18:36,776
[Chuckles]
451
00:18:36,848 --> 00:18:39,416
Okay.
452
00:18:39,488 --> 00:18:42,723
So, she said
453
00:18:42,796 --> 00:18:46,799
that I should be sensitive
to how you feel
454
00:18:46,873 --> 00:18:49,508
and make sure to validate your choices
455
00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:52,782
and... Yeah, I'm not
gonna do any of that.
456
00:18:52,855 --> 00:18:56,424
Because unlike my boss, I cannot afford
457
00:18:56,497 --> 00:18:58,866
for a partner
not to be bringing in money.
458
00:18:58,936 --> 00:19:01,338
I know. I know. And I did the research.
459
00:19:01,409 --> 00:19:03,878
This is gonna pay off for us
in the long run.
460
00:19:03,949 --> 00:19:05,350
But it might not.
461
00:19:05,419 --> 00:19:07,787
I mean, you should've talked
to me before you quit your job,
462
00:19:07,859 --> 00:19:09,994
like at the party
where you were so proud of me
463
00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:12,033
that you got blind drunk.
464
00:19:12,104 --> 00:19:14,171
I am proud of you.
465
00:19:14,242 --> 00:19:16,577
I just haven't been proud of me.
466
00:19:16,649 --> 00:19:21,019
Watching you succeeding
reminded me that I wasn't.
467
00:19:21,092 --> 00:19:22,226
Well, I'm sorry
468
00:19:22,296 --> 00:19:24,764
that the one good thing
that ever happened to me
469
00:19:24,835 --> 00:19:26,403
made you feel bad about yourself.
470
00:19:26,473 --> 00:19:30,376
Well, me, too.
I don't want to be that guy!
471
00:19:30,450 --> 00:19:32,785
Look, I should have celebrated you
472
00:19:32,855 --> 00:19:35,958
and I should've talked to you
before I quit.
473
00:19:36,030 --> 00:19:38,899
Alright, well, can't you do
the podcast and your job?
474
00:19:38,972 --> 00:19:40,906
No, because the more I thought about it,
475
00:19:40,977 --> 00:19:42,944
the more I realized
how much time all of this takes
476
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,882
with the writing and the promoting,
477
00:19:44,953 --> 00:19:46,420
getting advertisements.
478
00:19:46,490 --> 00:19:49,158
Okay, well, isn't there
something that takes less time?
479
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:51,732
[Sighs]
480
00:19:51,803 --> 00:19:54,105
I need this, okay?
481
00:19:54,176 --> 00:19:57,278
I lost faith in myself
when the magazine went under,
482
00:19:57,351 --> 00:20:00,653
and I really think that this can work.
483
00:20:00,726 --> 00:20:05,230
And I need something to make me
feel good about myself again.
484
00:20:06,508 --> 00:20:08,075
I know you do.
485
00:20:10,116 --> 00:20:11,984
Alright.
486
00:20:12,055 --> 00:20:15,190
But I warn you... I am gonna
come home five days a week
487
00:20:15,263 --> 00:20:17,898
tired and grumpy and resentful.
488
00:20:17,969 --> 00:20:19,236
[Laughing] Okay.
489
00:20:19,306 --> 00:20:21,174
Well, that's two less days
than I'm getting now,
490
00:20:21,244 --> 00:20:22,978
so it's a deal.
491
00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:28,258
This is the part
where you carry me up the stairs
492
00:20:28,329 --> 00:20:30,030
into the bedroom.
493
00:20:30,101 --> 00:20:31,935
If you crush me, we won't have my salary
494
00:20:32,005 --> 00:20:34,507
to fund your ridiculous podcast.
495
00:20:34,579 --> 00:20:35,912
That's it.
496
00:20:35,982 --> 00:20:37,850
No more sex for you.
497
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,433
That's fine. I can afford
to get it elsewhere.
498
00:20:43,805 --> 00:20:45,005
What are you guys doing?
499
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,991
Well, while I was drinking
some herbal tea, it hit me.
500
00:20:48,083 --> 00:20:49,121
I should be on "Jeopardy!"
501
00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:50,774
Cool. I want to be on "Jeopardy!"
502
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,541
Alright. I'll test both of you.
503
00:20:53,613 --> 00:20:57,249
"This long-running TV Western
starred James Arness."
504
00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:58,323
- [Clicker clicks]
- "Gunsmoke."
505
00:20:58,392 --> 00:20:59,425
What is "Gunsmoke"?
506
00:20:59,495 --> 00:21:02,497
That's right. One point for Harris.
507
00:21:02,570 --> 00:21:04,003
Next question.
508
00:21:04,073 --> 00:21:06,842
"This entertainer sang the
biggest-selling Christmas song
509
00:21:06,913 --> 00:21:09,181
of all time, 'White Christmas.'"
510
00:21:09,253 --> 00:21:10,553
- Justin Bieber.
- Bing Crosby.
511
00:21:10,623 --> 00:21:11,990
Who is Bing Crosby?
512
00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:13,060
Correct again.
513
00:21:13,130 --> 00:21:15,164
Wha... Damn it.
514
00:21:15,235 --> 00:21:18,237
"This cartoon
was said to be loosely based
515
00:21:18,309 --> 00:21:20,744
on two characters
from 'Back to the Future.'"
516
00:21:20,816 --> 00:21:22,350
Oh, yeah, I bet
that's, uh, "Rick and Morty."
517
00:21:22,419 --> 00:21:23,517
Who the hell are Rick and Morty?
518
00:21:23,544 --> 00:21:24,923
I'll give you that one,
but watch the swearing.
519
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,667
Yeah!
520
00:21:26,717 --> 00:21:31,267
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