Original subtitles

We are gathered here today to celebrate the union...

of María and Enrique.

María...

Do you promise to love and cherish Enrique...

in sorry and joy,

until death us to part?

Gustavo?

María, I just wanted to tell you that...

FIFTH MONTH

-Hi. -Hi.

This is Rocío. Rocío, María.

-Hi, Rocío. -Hi.

She's a fantastic person. She's gonna amaze you.

-We'll all have breakfast tomorrow, okay? -Okay.

-Good night. -Some bagels.

You're so hot!

PERFECT LIFE

WHEN NOTHING IS THE WAY IT SEEMS.

She studies industrial engineering.

Doesn't a 20-year-old bore you?

Why would she bore me? I haven't slept, Sebas!

Wow, man.

We were at a trap festival, it's so complicated to dance to.

It's sort of like... you know? Like...

Then she spent the whole night

eating me out with a really strong after-dinner mint in her mouth!

You're crazy, dude!

Hello?

Yes, speaking.

Yes, of course I know you guys.

And what would the show be?

Right, right...

Thing is, I'm working on a new series right now

and I don't have enough paintings to fill a stand.

But thanks so much for thinking of me.

All right, bye. Ciao.

-Who was it? -Christ, man.

Barcelona modern art market!

They're offering me a place to sell my stuff,

but I'm doing research right now.

-I can't go with the stuff I have. -You're mad!

Call right now or you're history!

No, I don't have anything.

You've got plenty of paintings. Bloody hell, Esther!

Here we go again: doubts, doubts... Go on, call them!

Go ahead laugh,

but if my jeans rub against me I get turned on.

That's your pregnancy hormones. Of course.

-And when does that stop? -After you give birth.

What? Four months like that?

-I can't. -No, you need to get laid.

Yeah, yeah. Who with?

-Get on one of those dating apps. -What?

All right, okay, no.

Got it!

My friend Alberto.

-Yes! -No.

You meet. See each other, get to know each other.

And if you fancy him, you go back to his place and screw.

-Is he good looking? -Yes.

He's sexy.

Not a bad idea.

But how will I know if there's chemistry?

-If there's... you know. -Jesus, it's just sex.

You don't need to fall in love with him.

Just a second. It's Pablo calling from Paris.

Chuchuwa, chuchuwa!

Chuchuwa!

-Mum, shall we sing Chuchuwa? -All right, show María.

-Chuchuwa. -Me?

How does it go? That way I practice.

Chuchuwa, chuchuwa.

-Do I do this? -Yeah.

KITTYONHEAT84: Sorry, was in shower. -Do what I say. -Okay.

About to put on lingerie.

CARPEDIEM741: Would love to see that.

Bet they're see through knickers.

KITTYONHEAT84: Show them to you when you want.

The knickers and all the rest.

Are you not singing?

CARPEDIEM741: Are we finally going to meet then? Can't wait...

-You're not doing it right! -Me?

What are you on about?

I'm doing Chuchuwa! KITTYONHEAT84: Know a discreet hotel?

Need to screw you. Now. Right now.

Right.

Huh?

No, here's the thing.

Pablo is in Paris and I feel bad about leaving the kids with my mum.

I don't want to take advantage.

Would you mind sitting in for me at the meeting?

Huh?

Yes. Sorry.

I was taking her temperature. She has such a high fever.

Terrible.

Aha.

I'm so grateful to you. I mean it, thank you so much.

Okay, okay.

Thanks, bye. Ciao.

CARPEDIEM741: On my way. Dying to go down on you.

KITTYONHEAT84: Me too. Wait for you in the room.

Want to see you now.

CARPEDIEM741: You'll drain me.

KITTYONHEAT84: Want you to nail me from behind.

Are those chocolates?

Yes, sweetie, but for grown-ups.

Know who's going to bring some for kids? Granny.

Yay! Chocolates, chocolates!

Chocolates!

-That one amazes me. -This one? Are you mad?

I look scared and sad.

And I'm frowning. It's hideous, I hate it.

What's your sale price?

I was thinking 185 for the small ones and 300 for the big ones, tops.

That's shit. Sell them for a higher price.

You don't know about prices.

Maybe, but you have to value your art.

They're really ugly, I hate them all.

Why the hell did I say yes? I should have said no.

Hey, they're all amazing.

You're a genius.

You say that because I'm a good lay.

No, I mean it.

You just need someone to discover you.

I think you'll end up exhibiting at the New York Museum of Modern Art.

-Come off it! -Seriously.

-I bet the MoMA will call me tomorrow. -The MoMA.

And the Reina Sofía Museum.

You're such a jerk. You're daft as a brush.

And the Pompidou Centre.

The Tate Gallery!

No tickling!

Stop or I'll pee myself!

Hi.

Hi.

God, I was dying to do this!

Sorry.

It's a stupid ringtone I added the other day.

Yes.

Third song on Sing & Play.

Yes.

Right...

My little girl loves it.

I lied on my profile. I have...

I have two little girls.

I lied, too.

I have a little girl.

Right.

How old is she?

Four.

What about yours?

Six and 14 months.

Answer it if you want. Answer it.

Darling, I'm just about to go in. Is everything all right?

Okay, put her on, but I can't talk for long.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi.

What are you doing?

What? I can't...

"Cachupimba," what's that?

Are you playing with mum?

Count to ten, close your eyes.

Before you know it, I'll be home.

-No. -And is there no insurance?

No.

What I don't get is why you have to pay to sell there.

I guess because the venue has expenses.

Electricity, water, everything. You pay for the name.

-What if you don't sell anything? -Everybody does.

-There must be someone who doesn't. -You're such a stickler.

Thanks for thinking that that someone will be me.

I didn't say that, you need to weigh up all the options.

They might con you.

I love what you do. I have complete faith in you.

But they shouldn't charge you.

Want to learn to play chess...

All right, guys. Guys.

All right. I'll introduce you, okay?

This is María, and this is Esther.

-Hi. -Hi, María.

-My mates. -Pleased to meet you.

This is Xosé, who has...

-The famous Xosé? -Who has 54% disability.

Oh dear!

-You're the famous María. -Yes.

-Richi. -Okay.

Sorry, Richi and Nata, my former flatmates.

-Oh, the three of you live here. -Yes.

-Can I touch your belly? -Yes.

He kicks already, you'll see.

I could feel it!

-Did you feel it? -Yes.

-And do you feel all right? -Yes.

-How far along are you? -Five months.

Good for you!

Is this flat yours, Gari?

Yes, I inherited it from my mum.

Wow, man, that's lucky.

Hey, everyone!

Surprise!

It's from everyone.

Come on, let's give it up for Gari.

Now he's independent!

Thank you very much, really.

You guys are the best...

And...

And you've helped me a lot.

I'm really glad that you're all part of my life.

Be happy, dude!

Will the baby live here?

Yes. Well, at weekends.

Every weekend.

-That's cool. -Sure.

Of course it is.

Anybody want any more beer or anything?

No, thanks.

A beer?

-Water. -You want cheese.

You too, okay.

You want water...

I'm going to pop outside a minute.

I'm going outside.

MARÍA: Cris, I'm watching a couple screwing in the building over the road.

Everyone is screwing except me.

DAD: I think you got the wrong chat, love.

No, no...

MARÍA: It's a joke me and Cris have.

DAD: Ok.

Hi.

Hey.

Need anything?

To get laid.

Sorry.

Sorry about that.

I didn't mean with you. Didn't mean to embarrass you.

The pregnancy hormones make me feel a bit...

I'm losing it.

Actually, I meant if you need to know anything

about disabled people with kids...

just ask me.

I could do with some info.

-Can I write down your number? -Sure, go ahead.

Is your name with an X?

Xosé, with an X and an S.

-Is it a Galician name? -Yes.

Okay, "add".

Six what?

Are they screwing?

Oh, yes.

Listen, Cris.

I've decided that I do want that date with your friend, okay?

Set it up.

Love you.

Imagine we're going to plant eggplants in a field.

You're that field.

First, the soil needs fertilizing with ovarian stimulation,

injections you give yourself over a nine-day period.

And finally, we bring the ovarian follicle to maturity with HCG.

Sorry, what is that?

It's a hormone injection.

Then we use a local anesthetic to retrieve the eggs,

and send Pablo's farmers to add the eggplant seed.

Great metaphor, isn't it, love? The eggplant.

-Do you smoke? -No.

That's better, it's bad for fertility.

I just need to pop to the toilet, okay?

I'll be right back.

This is a before and an after for us.

Okay.

-Are you sure? -I'm on board.

You need to get lower right 45 fixed.

Thanks for the check-up, doctor. What do I owe you?

If you shout me this drink, nothing.

And if I invite you to my place for a drink?

Well, it would have to be alcohol-free.

-I can only have one glass a day. -Fair enough.

May I ask you something?

Yes.

Can I kiss you?

You're very polite.

Well, I'm an ally.

An ally?

-A feminist. -Oh.

A feminist ally.

And guys like you ask.

Well, out of respect.

Yes, I think that's great.

I'm a big believer in it.

-Thanks. -Ally.

-So... -Go ahead.

I don't usually sleep with someone on the first date.

Okay.

-Okay. -Perfect.

But Cris told me that you can be trusted.

I think you're...

-I think you're very nice. -Cool.

-And I find you sexually attractive. -Perfect.

-So I wouldn't mind going all the way. -Whatever you want.

By that, I mean screwing.

-Today, right now. -Yes, got it.

It has to be at your place because I live at my sister's.

-Okay, perfect. -Okay.

I really turns me on that you're pregnant.

-What? -I find it super sexy.

Why?

Maybe it's the hormones, your breasts full of milk...

-Not yet. The milk comes later. -All right...

I don't mean it turns me on that they're full of milk...

I mean, the beauty of new life, right?

Listen. I think...

we don't have as much chemistry as I thought.

-I didn't mean to upset you. -It isn't that, but...

-Don't you have fantasies? -Yes, of course.

I have fantasies. Doing it in a car or in a lift.

Where I live has a lift.

What are you looking at?

At you.

And the girls?

Paula is having breakfast by herself, Martina is in her cot.

Honey...

What if we wait a while before trying in vitro?

How so?

I don't know. Injections and hormones freak me out.

But darling, the doctor said there was no risk.

Right...

What if we carry on doing it naturally for a few months?

Honey...

To be honest, doing it that way is making me frustrated.

-It's frustrating having sex with me? -No.

It's frustrating doing it with an objective...

and never achieving that objective.

Stop, you're covered in foam. Finish shaving.

Cris...

I'm your friend!

Do you accept the request to chat to SEXYDARKGUY?

Mummy.

What?

SEXYDARKGUY: Hi, Kitty, I'm bored at work, what are you up to?

-How do I know I'm not an alied see what he says.

I'm off, I'm running late. Love you, Paula.

Mummy, go on, tell me!

KITTYONHEAT84: Bored too. Suggestions?

-Mummy... -What?

-Please tell me... -Eat up.

-Oh... -Huh?

Come on.

There she is!

What's up? Hiya, gorgeous!

-Check out the cute T-shirt I bought. -Looks great.

What does it say? "No sucksism or fiminism!"

-Hi, I'm Lucas. -Pleased to meet you.

-Did you sell anything? -Not yet, but it's early yet.

Okay. When you sell one, you'll sell them all.

Listen, I'll take a photo and that way more people will come.

-All right. -Yes.

-Do a Boomerang. -A Boomerang?

Let's see...

No, but...

Esther, sweetie. It's a dance move.

Awesome.

Hey, fancy coming to a friend's birthday party later?

-No. -Be cool, don't be a bore.

I'm gonna be responsible for once.

-Sure? -Sure.

-You'll be along later? -Sure, gorgeous.

You'll come.

Good luck.

And right now, Cactus Girl is signing autographs at stand 7.

This is my good side.

Well, it's better from here.

-Thanks -Thank you.

Really? Oh, thank you!

-Hi. How are you? -All right.

Thanks a lot, really.

And then suddenly he admitted

it turned him on to think milk was going to come out of my boobs.

I don't think it's that outrageous, it's a fantasy.

-It freaked me out. -You're pregnant and you're up for it.

And he wants to be with a pregnant woman. It's perfect.

SEXYDARKGUY: How do we hook up?

No, I'd rather sleep with someone

who isn't turned on by another human being inside me.

-Where's the entrance? -Over here.

KITTENONHEAT84: Room 306 at 8 pm I'll have to go soon. I have to pick up Paula.

Okay.

Hey.

Who's that guy?

Just a guy, Xosé.

I met him at Gari's party and invited him.

-You invited him to come! -Yes.

-Single? -Divorced, but don't go there.

Why not?

Because he's Gari's psychologist...

-You'll never get laid like that... -This is Cris.

-Hi. -Pleased to meet you.

-Xosé. -This is Xosé.

-Hi there. -Hi.

-Are you okay? -Yes, I'm good.

-Been here long? -No.

Oh, okay. Good.

-Shall we go in? -Sure.

I think it's this way.

So how did you two meet?

-At Gari's party. -Ah, okay.

-Because he's our gardener. -Look, it's here.

-Hi. -Hi.

What's up?

What are you doing?

I'm going, this place is shit.

You can't, you paid for the whole weekend.

Leave it out, okay?

But did you sell anything?

No, not a thing.

All the more reason to stay and try to sell something.

If you go, you won't.

-All right. -I want to buy that one,

-will you sell it to me? -Cut it out.

Hey, I love this one, I mean it.

Wouldn't it look great in the bathroom?

How much is that?

But... Do you think I'm an idiot?

I don't need your fucking charity.

Got a credit card reader? I want to buy this one.

-Stop. -This is a market, I want to buy it.

-Leave it out, I said. -I'm a customer.

-Give me the painting... -I want to buy it, I mean it!

Sorry.

Keep the painting, keep all of them.

-I'm fucking sick of this. -Esther.

Don't be like that, I wanted to help.

Help me? You're gonna help me?

Take a look at your life. It's shit, María.

-Help yourself. -Esther...

And you keep out of this!

All right...

Hi.

Yeah. Where are you guys?

Okay, cool. I'll join you.

Do you have coke or should I score some?

Well, because I fancy it. Okay, see you in a minute.

-Can you manage? -Yes, of course.

I didn't mean like...

Like what?

Little macho man.

-That isn't you? -No.

So how did you mean it?

I guess you can carry two or three paintings...

if you're pregnant, right?

And four or five, too.

Great.

In fact, there are...

lots of things I can do while I'm pregnant.

Hang on. Hang on a minute.

Does it turn you on that I'm pregnant?

-I hadn't thought about it. -No?

-No. -Okay, perfect.

-God. -Are you all right?

Yes, I'm bloody great.