All language subtitles for Mr.Mayor.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

[car alarm chirps]

- Yeah.
Hey, Mikaela.

Sorry.
No, I'm here.

I'm just having a bit
of a rough start to the day.

Yeah, no, my cat threw up
in the bathtub

while I was in it.

Hold on.

Come on.

What?

Okay, I'm coming!

I'm coming!

[quirky music]

♪

[screams]

[horn beeps]

[grunts]

It's food truck day.

[laughs]

It's food truck day!
[laughs]

[bright music]

♪

- There's so much old junk
in these drawers.

Look at this sad photo
of city council from the '50s.

- Wow.
No one looks like us.

- Oh, I don't know.

That guy second from the left
kinda looks like you,

but he doesn't have
the leg meat

to almost pull off these pants.

- [laughs]

Thank you.
They're H&M single-use.

- It's food truck day!
[laughs]

- What?
What is he saying?

- [panting] Food...truck...day.

It's the most best day
of the month.

Food trucks come from all over
and they park outside

and there's gonna be banh mi
and poke bowls

and, fingers crossed...

- Okay, I don't have time
to address

how weird your fingers are.

- Empanada Acoso.

They drive in
all the way from Riverside,

and their empanadas are like
soft, spicy full diapers

for your tongue.

- Oh, my God,
could we actually get

decent lunch food for once?

We'll go down
right after training.

- After what?

- Today's our mandatory

"respect in the workplace"
training session.

- [sighs]
Oh, no!

Oh, those things take forever!

Oh, and then you can't leave
until you pass a test,

and by then, all the
food trucks are out of food,

so they're just trucks again!

I mean, I love trucks, but--

Oh, God, today is an emotional
Minions ride.

- Dude, it'll be fast.
- Yeah, we're young. We get it.

- Yeah, we watch a video,
ask no questions,

take a quiz, we're done.

- And then we empanada.
Hard.

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

[upbeat music]

Oh, hey.

I can help you with that.
- Thank you.

- If that's okay.
- Yes, of course.

- Women are strong too.

[with Russian accent]
Strong like bull. [laughs]

[normally]
Cows. Women are cows, not--

- It's fine. Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Arpi Meskimen,
deputy mayor.

- Oh.
Hi. I'm Susan.

I'm the discussion leader.

- You know, Susan,
I piloted this program

back in the '80s when city hall
didn't even give women chairs.

We were just offered laps
to sit on.

So you're welcome, Mikaela.

- [laughs]
I am welcome. I know.

- Yeah.

I still carry
the pepper spray I used

to go safely back and forth
to the copier.

- Well, your program
has been a great base

for us to work off of.

Thank you so much for--
- No need to thank me.

You're gonna do great.

Trust the material.

[horn beeps]

[brakes squealing]

- Empanada Acoso
just pulled up.

And by the way the truck
is riding on the shocks,

I think they have pork.

- Great.
Shh.

- So if we're all here,
we can--

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I was in the little boys' room,

where it is okay
to take out your penis.

Hi.
I'm the mayor.

- Hi. Susan Craw.
I didn't expect you to be here.

Usually the big shots
don't show up to these things.

- Yeah, sir, I was just gonna
use the autopen

to sign you in.

- Are you kidding?
No, no.

This is important stuff,
very important.

I have a daughter, and I wanna
get this right for her sake.

- Right.
Right. Yes.

Okay, so I usually begin
by showing a video

of a common workplace scenario.

- A video?
Huh.

So you don't use
my illustrations anymore?

- No, we do not.
Okay.

- [sighs]

- Oh, hi, Michelle.
What's wrong?

- Someone hung a cartoon
in the break room

that upset me, Carlos.

- The one about Asians
being good at math?

Tell your supervisor.

- I don't wanna be
a squeaky wheel.

- I feel harassed
by the acting in these.

- What kind of business
is this supposed to be?

The filing system
makes zero sense.

- Hey, Barbara,
did Gunther email you

his latest
bodybuilding photos?

- Yes.
Again.

Those photos make me
uncomfortable.

I asked him not to send them
to me anymore.

- Aww.
That's how my parents met.

- And I asked him
to stop giving me backrubs.

- [sighs]
[cell phone chimes]

Oh, no!

I just got an email

that Gunther is taking you off
the Suncoast account.

- That's my biggest account!

- Susan, Susan, could you
pause it for a second?

I've already got
so many questions.

Okay, now, of course,
backrubs are inappropriate,

but what about side hugs?

Those are okay, right,

because your privates
are parallel.

- I'm sure
you're a great hugger,

but it's probably best
not to hug anyone.

- Could I ask to touch
a white man's hair?

- Just--just don't.

- 'Cause what if he's gay?
Yeah. Shoot. Of course.

My point being
there's always an exception

if you think about it.

- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- [muttering]

- Shut up.

- Yes, I guess
that would be an exception,

but I don't think
anyone is going to ask you

to "help them breastfeed."

So does anybody else
have any questions?

- Oh, sorry, I do.
Yeah.

I have a list of words

that I wanna see
if I can still say them.

"Jazz"

and also "jazzy."

- It's 12:00 p.m.!
Can we take the test already?

- Yes, Jayden.
- Yeah, I agree.

- Great idea.
- I agree with Jayden.

- Yes, we've probably discussed
enough already,

so I'm just gonna go ahead
and pass these out.

[people murmuring]

- Oh, boy, this is awkward.

- What is?

- The lady running
the harassment seminar

is into me.

- You think that young--

- I'm just as shocked
as you are,

but I'm telling you,
there's a vibe.

- Hey, no chatting,
Mr. Side Hugs.

- Am I allowed to flirt back?

I mean, I wanna be respectful,

but I'm also a human being
looking for connection,

but I don't wanna get sued.

But 20 years ago, I would've
really sealed this deal.

Boy, this is a...
- Don't say it.

- Scary time for men.

- Okay, everyone,
take one more minute

to finish adding up
your scores.

- Hey, Susan.

I got 100.

And I feel like
the credit goes to you.

- Oh, a zero?

Dang.
No empanadas for you.

- Okay, everyone.
Thank you so much.

Now, if you scored
below a 50...

You are free to go.
Great job.

- Wait, what?

- Oh, it's like golf scoring.

Now, that makes
much more sense.

- No, not possible.
I don't fail tests.

- I've lived
all these examples.

I could've written this test.

- I did write this test!

And damn it, Susan,

I hate to be the one
to say this, but...

I'd like to speak
to your manager.

- No, Arpi!
- No, no.

Karen, no.
- No, Arpi.

- My God, you have the haircut
and everything.

.

- I've never failed a test
in my life.

I got a 10 on the Apgar,
a 2390 on my SATs,

and a BuzzFeed quiz
I took earlier said I'm,

oh, I don't know,
Rachel from "Friends."

- Where are you going?

- To get my food.
I passed.

- Should we just break
for lunch now?

And then we can all come back.

- No, no, no, no, no.

We're gonna stay here
until we get this right,

out of respect for Susan,

who is being so incredible
to us.

- Ugh.

Give me a cardboard box
full of breaks.

- Wait.
Wait. Jayden?

Can you get me a poke bowl with
brown rice and extra sesame...

- I want a taco trio
from The Lime Truck:

one pulled chicken,
zesty guac;

two pork, no guac;
and an horchata.

- Pizza and a cappuccino,
please and thank you, Jayden.

- Got it.

- Okay.

So we are going to review
the scenarios as a group

so that you can see
where you went wrong.

- Yeah, well, I don't think
I got any wrong,

so I can't wait.

- All right.

- ♪ Happy birthday
to you ♪

- Yay.

- So how old are you, Barbara?

- Rude!
- Ow!

That hurt my arm.

- All right, so who,
if anyone, here

should be reported
to Human Resources?

- The guy who asked
his coworker's age.

- The horrible woman
who hit the man.

- Um, everyone?

Forced celebrations
produce anxiety,

the concept of birthdays
is systemically pro-life,

and singing discriminates
against...

[off-key]
♪ People like me

♪ Who can't sing

And frankly, Barbara's agreeing
to all of this

makes her complicit.

- Yeah, I thought they were
having a nice time.

- Okay.

So the correct answer is,

no one should be reported
to HR.

It may be bad manners
to ask Barbara's age,

but Carlos should
only be reported

if he denies Barbara

a work opportunity
based on her age.

- So I was the closest
on that one.

Thank you, Susan.

- [sighs]
- [chuckles]

Hey, hey.

Before we hop back
into the next scenario,

another question?

What if you sense a vibe?

- What do you mean?
- Well, you know,

what if you sense someone's
attracted to you?

- Never assume there's a vibe.

- Oh, come on.
We're all adults.

You can tell
when somebody's into you.

They smile at you.

- Smiles don't mean jack.

I mean, women also smile

in social situations
that make them uncomfortable.

Susan knows there are
five distinct female smiles.

Smile one: teeth showing,
slightly open mouth.

"I'm attracted to you."

Smile two: relaxed
but closed mouth, eye contact.

"I prefer to be friends."
- Okay, I've done that one.

- Smile three: tucked-in lips.

"Mm.
I am politely repulsed."

- Yup, Simon Cowell
at baggage claim.

- Now, the last two variations
factor in race and class.

Smile four is for men
of my same race

but lower
socioeconomic standing.

It says,
"Hey, fellow Caucasian.

"I'm not a B-word,
but I already got

an old man at home, you dig?"

- All right, Arpi.
Thank you so much for that.

- However, say I'm winked at

by the Eritrean American
fishmonger at Ralph's.

Tight lips, eye contact,
slight bow says,

"I respect your culture
and position,

but I'm not interested
in your sexual advances."

Honestly, I'm surprised

this stuff isn't
in the literature.

- Yes.
Me too.

So to answer
your actual question, sir,

you may ask a coworker out
on a date one time.

If you receive anything less
than an enthusiastic yes,

then you may not ask again.

- Jeez.
What if you biff it?

- Oh, I have faith in you,
Neil.

- First name.
Big-time vibe.

- Okay, next scenario.

- Ladies first.

- Oh, okay.

- Finally.
We're alone.

- I consent.
Let's do this.

[both moaning]

- All right,
so which employees, if any,

are violating city policy?

- See, I couldn't get this one.
Is there tongue?

- I don't know.
It doesn't matter.

- This doesn't track.

Carlos and Michelle
were so mad at each other

at Barbara's birthday lunch.

- What? No.
These don't tell a story.

- I didn't like it when Gunther
opened the door for Barbara.

It was patronizing.

- Sure, but you can't call HR

every time someone holds a door
for you.

- I can if it makes me
uncomfortable.

- Wait, that guy was Gunther?

Okay, there's gonna be a twist.

- No.
This is not a movie.

There's no narrative.
- Are you sure?

Gunther demotes Barbara
on her birthday,

then holds the door for her?

Villain.
- These are different days.

- Then why are they
in the same clothes?

- And who got
the Suncoast account?

- You're supposed to focus
on the two that were kissing.

- Yeah, was there an intimacy
coordinator on that set?

Because until that's confirmed,

I don't think I should even be
watching this.

- All right, all right,
so the answer is,

even consensual relationships
should be reported.

- Really?

But what if the secret
is part of the thrill?

- Susan!
I wrote that question in 1989.

The correct answer is,
the kiss is fine

because Carlos and Michelle
are equals.

It's consensual.

And they're not bumming
everyone else out

by doing it in public.

- Actually, it's not fine,

because their relationship
would impact

dynamics in the workplace.

- Did you just "actually" me?

- Did you "you're welcome" me
before we even started?

- What is that
supposed to mean?

- "I started this program,
Ms. Shaw.

"I'm a trailblazer.

High fives for white feminism."

- One, you're bad at voices.

And two, I don't high-five
white feminism.

Clearly you haven't read
my most recent op-ed

for the "Vallarta Noticias,"

or you wouldn't be
this worked up.

- Okay, Arpi,
you are centering yourself,

you are tone policing,

and you're displaying
a white savior complex.

- My apologies.
I will be quiet.

- Let's move on.
- But I worked really hard!

My boss used to put his fingers
in my mouth.

He'd say, "Does this
Coffee mate taste old to you?"

- I went to Hooters once
with OJ Simpson.

- I'm so hungry,
that sounds good to me.

- And this isn't gonna
go over well...

- Then don't say it!
- They always still say it.

- You wouldn't have your job
if it weren't for gals like me.

And I'm sorry

if that kind of door opening
also offends you.

- Okay, boomer.
Have infinity seats.

- What does that mean?

Is that a crack
about all the lap-sitting

my generation was forced to do?

- She's saying she wants you
to retire and go home

because you're the Pelosi
to her low-res AOC.

- [gasps]
- You know what, Mr. Tomás?

- There's a special place
in hell for gays

that encourage women
not to support other women.

- I know.

It's called Bravo,
and we're doing amazing on it.

- Susan, I'd like credit
for knowing

that I shouldn't talk
right now.

- Good for you, yes.

- Oh, heavenly Father!

Everybody get back.
- What is he doing?

- Oh, God, it's so much!

- Why does he have
all those soups?

- Excuse me. Please move.
- No one ordered soup!

- I did not get tops for these.

- No!
- Oh, no! Come on!

- Oh, God, why?
[bell dings]

[crowd gasps]

- Oh, God, no!

The gelato bike is done
for the day.

.

- I'm just saying, Susan,

at some point,
the left is eating itself...

- Oh, my God, kill me.
- While the right gains power.

- Okay, Arpi, Arpi, Arpi.

We know now that
microaggressions can add up

and affect
a person's performance

and their mental health.

- Wha--
- Okay,

but just because
someone calls you out

doesn't mean
you're a bad person.

- [stammering]
- We all make mistakes.

I'm sure
that someone's ignorance

has made you uncomfortable.

- [breathing heavily]
Bad news, guys.

I got mugged.

They were ninjas, so I--

- We saw you fall!
- Lie better!

- Fine.

I dropped everything.

Okay, but it's your fault.

I knew what I wanted,

but by the time
I got to Empanada Acoso,

they were out of everything

except for lavender
and fennel popsicles.

I hate them so much.

- Okay. Okay.
I've got a microaggression.

Yesterday Jayden waited for me
to walk up the stairs with him,

and it made me feel
like an old grandma

in a Life Alert commercial.

I was in a bad mood
the rest of the day.

[gasps]
So should we fire him?

Or just have an angry mob
Tweet him to death?

Ahh!
- Sit down, Arpi.

- What? The only reason
I was waiting for you

was so I didn't have to walk
by myself!

Because when I do,
Tommy grabs my tummy

and makes me pay a tummy tax.

- Tommy,
that is not acceptable.

- Okay, but it's not sexual.
I'm just being mean.

- Well, it's oppressive.

Honestly, I didn't like it

when you touched my thigh
this morning.

- I didn't like it either.

It's not harassment
if both people hate it.

- No.
The rules apply to everyone.

- So I'm the Gunther?
No. No, no, no.

I failed this test

because it doesn't reflect
my experience.

I'm a gazelle
taking a fish test.

- It doesn't reflect me either!

I'm a nice boy
who doesn't touch anyone.

Yet every creepy guy in this
pamphlet looks exactly like me.

- I thought that was you.

- It's not fair.

I don't harass anyone.

[with English accent]
I'm just sweet little Jayden.

[people grumbling]
- No, don't do that.

- All right, if I'm not
allowed to be mean,

he's not allowed to talk
like a British baby.

- It's how I make myself
nonthreatening.

- Oh, my God!
- Seriously, stop.

- Stop that!

- Batman did it.
Batman.

- I swear to God
I will fire you.

- Okay, okay.
Jayden. Jayden.

You don't even need to be here
right now

because you passed.

And actually,
all of you could learn

a lot from Jayden.

- Actually, I cheated.

- You what?

- I ch--
- No, talk in an adult voice.

- [normally]
I cheated, okay?

When I was helping you set up,
I memorized your answer key.

First column is
E, C, B, D, D, C,

Every Creepy Boy Does Daddy's--

- You cheated on the test
so you could go get empanadas?

- What empanadas, Arpi?

What empanadas?

- Okay. Okay.
Enough. Enough.

Look, take a deep breath,
Jayden.

All right, let's just face it.

No one here knows
what the correct answers are.

We just wanna do
the right thing

because these new rules
are important.

And, Susan,
I'm starting to understand

what you want from me.

So here in broad daylight

in front of these
various witnesses...

[breathes deeply]

I'm gonna ask you this
one time.

Susan, do you wanna have dinner

on a clothing-optional yacht
with me?

- Sir, ew.

- No.
Thank you.

But good job, I guess,

because you did ask
appropriately.

- Huh?

I'm not going crazy.

There was a vibe here.

- Now it's getting
a little inappropriate.

- Respect the no, sir.

Susan, take Sergeant Peps.

[spray hissing]
- [screams]

[all shouting]

- Jiminy Cricket!

It must have rusted apart
'cause I swim with it.

- Oh, you [bleep] Karen.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

That was the pain talking.
- No problem.

- Whoever this is,
please stop touching me!

- Here, you can put these
on your eyes.

- [screams]
What is that?

- [with English accent]
Don't be scared.

They're only ice lollies.

- Oh, my God!
Please stop talking like that!

You people are
the lowest-functioning,

most self-absorbed group
I have ever had.

Think of other people!

You, stop complaining
that this is so hard.

This is hard for everyone.

At least you can walk
to your car at night

without being afraid.

- Yes, I'm not afraid at all.

- And, Arpi, yes, I know
that you started this project,

but it doesn't end with you.

Progress literally means
moving forward.

And, Mikaela, it is not your
job to educate these people.

They have to learn
on their own.

But you know what?

If they're really
actually trying,

then you have to--

[gags]

Hold on.
[coughs]

You have to let them live,
okay?

Because being compassionate

doesn't mean
you're being complicit.

- Thank you.

I will post that to my story
but not credit you.

- And you know what?

Yes, I know
that you are frustrated,

but you're in power now,

and that comes
with responsibilities.

- You already pointed to me.
I moved.

- Oh, God, I was talking
to the Tommy tummy guy.

My eyes are, like,
literally on fire.

Can somebody please call
my wife?

- Aha!
- Oh, my God!

You are so self-absorbed!
- This isn't about you!

- I know.
I know.

Let's get you ice.
- These really do help.

- Hey, guys, we gotta be
more careful with this.

[spray hissing]
[screams]

Spicy face!

[screaming]

.

- Okay.
- You know,

pepper spray is banned
by the Geneva Convention.

- Article one, section five.

[elevator dings]
But that's just for wartime.

- Oh, my God, Susan!

Are you okay?
- Nell?

Nell, is that you?
Oh, thank God.

Get me away from these people.

Can you get that box
for me, hon?

Ugh.
- Oh, Nell?

Neil Bremer.

We're so sorry.

Oh, hey, look at that.
We got the same watch.

[laughs]

[elevator dings]

- All right.

I'm gonna go ahead and say it.

You are her type.
Maybe there was a vibe.

- Right?

It's just 'cause she's married.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

- Thank you.
Gracias.

- [exhales heavily]
- I'll Venmo you.

- Okay.
- Hey.

I'm sorry that I compared
your thigh business

to Councilman Bergfeld's.

It's not okay to talk
about your appearance.

- I mean, sometimes it is
if it's helpful,

like if there's a rip
in my pants,

or if it's positive,

like, "You look pretty today,
Mikaela."

- Okay, if that ever happens,
I'll let you know.

- [scoffs]
Rude!

- [stiffly]
Ow. That hurt my arm.

- [laughs]

- You know,
this wasn't that long ago,

but there isn't
a single person here

who looks like me.

So if we've gotten to a place
where Neil Bremer,

the richest, whitest,

straightest man
I have ever met,

and I have to play
by the same rules,

I will take it.

- Oh, my God.

The women are all sitting
on guys' laps.

Arpi wasn't exaggerating.

But a dog got a chair?

- Well, it's a police dog.

[metal crashing]

- Hey, is this the bathroom?

- No, no, no, bullpen! Bullpen!
- No! No, no, no, no, no!

- Oh. Sorry.

[sniffs]
Wait.

[sniffs]
No way.

♪

It's Empanada Acoso!

From all the way in Riverside!

You did this?
- Yeah. Enjoy, bud.

- You thought of me.

Thank you.

♪

- Ms. Shaw.

I spoke coarsely
to you earlier.

You are my superior,
and if you believe

a formal reprimand is in order,
I understand.

- It's fine.

I lost my temper also,
and I apologize.

Listen, I--

I know you've been trying
to get

your water table proposal
in front of the mayor,

so come by my office next week

and we'll go over it together.

I've got so many chairs.

- Will do, boss.
I will have infinity seats.

- I'm done.
[breathing heavily]

No one judge me!

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!