Original subtitles

doesn't it?

You done? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah.

Sorry. Great.

I appreciate your concern.

But I can handle my sister.

(phone dings)

ELVIS: Your sister

switched rooms. Apparently the cannons

for the pirate tour can be heard from their suite.

What do you want me to do?

All right, I'll shut off their AC.

You go repair it and put in a bug.

FABIAN: I must hear everything.

Tell me all about your book.

Oh. Well, it's a romance novel.

Of course it is.

Yeah. It takes place in 1902.

Wh... Yes, yes, yes.

Such a good year. Such a good year.

Oh, you know it?

Well, if you chose it...

it must be great.

Oh.

(chuckles)

Tell me about your book.

Uh, it's-it's a memoir.

To help my fans understand the real me.

Not just the shirtless doctor under a waterfall,

or the shirtless detective under a waterfall,

or shirtless serial killer under a waterfall.

Can you pass the sugar?

Oh, sure.

I can't believe you're doing this!

After everything we've been through!

Excuse me? You broke my heart,

Jane Villanueva.

I'm done.

(shutters continue clicking)

(exclaims) Shh, shh. It's okay.

It's me, Fabian. (exclaims)

That was incredible, no? They're gonna think

that you're my lady for sure. Who will?

All the paparazzi I tipped off. You say you needed

more Twitter followers to sell your book,

and now you'll have them.

My fans will hate-follow you instantly.

You... you did that so I could get more Twitter followers?

Exactly. For the book fair.

Oh... Oh, that's...

that's kind of sweet.

(chuckles) Thanks.

Uh, will you tell your dad for me?

Excuse me?

Oh, he's... my hero.

Only I keep putting my foot in my mouth

every time I'm around him. Mm.

Will you put in a good word for me?

Uh, tell him that I tried to help you?

Sure.

No problem.

So... (chuckles)

Hey, Dad. Feeling better?

So much better. I am refreshed and reenergized

and ready to help you with all things social media.

#Let'sDoThis.

Actually, Fabian already helped me.

Huh? Dad.

(exhales) I'm sorry. I know I'm not allowed to say

anything bad to you about Fabian. It's just...

he's been a little hard on me.

What are you talking about? He worships you.

What? Yeah.

(scoffs) For a second I thought

he liked me and I got all excited.

But trust me: it's all you.

I have to say, I'm a little tired of everybody

being so happy that Fabian isn't into me.

What happened to my choice is my choice?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, with that big helping of guilt.

Wait for it.

What?

Hmm.

Abuela, I'm so sorry.

On the other hand,

meaningless sex with me would be so hot, Jane.

Oh. EILEEN: It's so stinking hot in here.

(sighs)

Well, no wonder.

The AC is broken.