All language subtitles for Jane.the.Virgin.S03E08.720p.WEB-DL.2CH.x265.HEVC-PSA

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
All right, Jane and Michael.

They'd been through a lot,
right?

They got married, he was shot,

then recovered.

But things were
on the up-and-up,

until...

I didn't pass my physical.

I can't go back
to the force.

I can do desk duty.

I know, huge bummer, right?

Also a bummer: Rafael's life.

RAFAEL: My birth certificate.
I'm not a Solano.

And speaking of bad news,

Rafael was also hooking up
with Jane's cousin, Catalina,

and Jane wasn't too comfortable
with that.

JANE:
I saw cash and jewels.

I mean, that's suspicious,
right?

Not when you've just
reentered the States

from Venezuela,
where it's recommended

nonresidents carry U.S. dollars.

I am so, so sorry.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
But maybe Jane was right

to be worried,
because check this out.

And there was more bad news.

Petra was being blackmailed

by a certain sleeveless
slimeball, namely Scott.

So she struck up a deal
with Rafael.

I'll give you
your shares back

if you lie
about Scott.

To be clear,

Petra hated Scott,
for obvious reasons.

(record scratches)
Oh, sorry,

in case you've forgotten
those reasons,

a recap within the recap.

Petra was paralyzed
by her twin sister, Anezka,

who then took her place.

And then,
Anezka fell in love with Scott,

as Petra!

But then Petra woke up

and dumped his ass.

Okay, back to the main recap.

Anyway, that's why
Petra hated Scott.

Oh, and Jane's father, Rogelio,
had met a matchmaker.

So, it says you want
someone fertile?
Exactly.

And surprisingly,
this happened.

Rogelio, it's me.

Not to date, just
to have a baby with.

Think about it.

I'm having a baby!

And Jane's mom
was getting some action, too.

See, she was back with Bruce.

Yes, that Bruce.
From way back when.

I had sex with Bruce
three days ago.
What?

And yep,
Jane's still not a fan.

He's a jerk,

who broke your heart
over and over,

not to mention
he's a liar

who hid the fact that
he was married from you.

I knew he was married

when we got together.

Great.

Which, friends,

is where we left off.

A little bit of trivia

about Jane Gloriana Villanueva:

She had seen the movie Beaches

14 times.

Diana...

Once...

every time her mother
broke up with Bruce.

Thanks for watching
again.

It just helps me, you know?

To cry about something
other than him.

I know, Mom. I know.

And that time with her mom,

well, it taught her two things.

She was the wind
beneath Xo's wings.

I just thought
this time,

it would
be different.

And people don't change.

Which brings us here, now.

So, thank you for inviting
me over for breakfast.

Thank you for bringing muffins.
They were delicious.

You are.

(sighs)

Hey,

Jane.
Hey.

Hi, Mom. Bruce.

I'll see you later.

Can you at least
not make that face?

I'm sorry,
it just happens automatically.

Maybe warn me before
I'm gonna see him.

I live here, we're dating,
you're gonna see him.

Does Abuela know
that he was here?

We all had breakfast.
He brought muffins.

You ate breakfast with Bruce?

Why?
Because he's changed, Jane.

Mom, do you hear yourself?

I mean, you have literally
said that to me

a hundred times before.

I know, but this time
it's different.

And that.
Enough.

I'm with him.

So it's time for you
to get on board.

Fine, I'm on board.

I am!

See?

ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
www.PSArips.com

ROGELIO:
Yes, I want your opinion.

(goofy voice):
Okay, Rogelio.

Mr. Bee thinks

having a baby with
a woman you just met

is craz-z-zy!

(laughs)

Well, Mr. Bee,
I respectfully disagree.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes. You'll recall,

Rogelio had recently decided
to enter into

an unusual business arrangement
with this woman.

You see,
my striped friend,

this is the perfect solution
to my "progeneeds."

Well I think
you're progenuts!

(laughs)
(door opens)

(door closes)

(groans) I cannot
believe she is back

together with Bruce.

And now my grandma's
brainwashed.

I think we should
do something,

like stage an
intervention.

Oh, no. I'm staying out of it.

MICHAEL:
Yeah, I'm with Rogelio.

What do you think, Mr. Bee?

You mean Mr. Let It Bee?

I think Jane shouldn't meddle.

You don't get a medal
for meddling.

Nobody likes
a meddler!

Don't you have to be at work?
I get to go to the body shop
first.

$500 bucks for a new bumper.

Oh, no, seriously?
Yeah.

But, it beats sitting
around the office.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes.

He's on desk duty,
you'll recall.

Desk duty sucks.

(giggles)

Maybe you should use the time

to start researching
other career options.

I'm serious. If you take
some kind of action,

I really think
you'll feel better.

Mm.
(gasps)

I'd help you, Michael.

Aw.

But I can't
use a computer,

'cause I don't have
any fingers! Whoa!

(laughs)

I'm gonna hide that thing.

All right,

are you ready to see Daddy,
Mr. Sweetface?

Yes, you want to see Daddy.

Where is Daddy, Mr. Sweetface?

(phone chimes)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
In his defense,

he's had a lot on his mind.

What do you think, Mateo?

Should we pop by and see
how Auntie Catalina's doing?

Hmm?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.

Catalina.

Oh.

Jane.

(sighs)
We had some time to kill,

so we wanted to say hi.

And,

apologize, again.

For snooping through your bag

and thinking that
you were hiding something.

Bonjour!

Who are you?

I am Catalina's husband, Arnaud.

(trumpet plays)

You're married?

He's being
a little dramatic.

Dramatic?

I am not being
dramatic!

We're getting divorced.

We are not.

CATALINA:
Yes, we are!

Now for the last time,
go pack.

I'm taking you
to the airport.

So I should explain.
Uh, yeah,
that'd be a good idea.

I married Arnaud on
a passionate whim

a few months ago.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
That old guy? Come on,

it had to be about money.

It was wild
and romantic,

and not
about money.

He actually has a title,
but not a penny to his name.

Okay, get to the point.

Right. Everyone
told me

not to marry him,
but I did it anyway

and, well, it turns out
everyone was right.

Why wouldn't you just tell me?

Because it was
embarrassing.

ARNAUD:
I can hear you!

Well then stop
listening!

Anyway, we
had just met

and I didn't want you
to think poorly of me.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah, that yacht has sailed.

What about all the cash
and jewelry?

Is that really for
our poor relatives in Venezuela?

Mostly, yeah.

I mean, a few are
gifts from Arnaud,

which I wanted to sell,
but he wants back,

so fine, I'll
give them back.

Did you hear that?

I'll give them back!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It should be noted

that Jane's next thought

was that she needed
to tell Rafael!

Right away.
(buzzing)

Remember, Jane,
don't meddle!

You need to tell Rafael.
Right away.

Just tell me.

(sighs)

The DNA results came in
and it's confirmed.

You are not Emilio and Elena's
biological son.

Wow.

(scoffs)

Somehow it didn't
seem real until now.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
What does this mean?

Is he still Emilio's heir?

Does he still own the Marbella?

God, I wonder if
my dad knew.

And that's why he always
treated me differently.

Right. That, too.

I'm sorry.

And just so
you know,

you're under no legal obligation

to disclose that information
to anybody.

Sorry to interrupt, but Rafael,

we're actually waiting on you
in the interrogation room.

Oh, that's where everyone
is. Okay, let's head over.

Uh, sorry, man.

Because of the desk duty,
you know.

Chief says you can't be
in on this anymore.

I get it.

I'm really...
It's okay.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wow. Tough day.

PETRA:
What are you up to?!

And it just got worse.

You and Scott.

Are you-- are you working
together?

Manipulating me?

I'll remind you, they were.

I told you it would
work. And you will be

getting that bonus
as discussed.

Of course not.

He bought a new car.
Where'd he get that money?

I saw you two talking!

And friends,

can you really blame Rafael

for what he said next?

Petra.

I think you're being
a little paranoid.

Which makes sense,

considering what you
just went through.

(laughs)

Well, I can.

That was a low blow.

JANE:
You're never gonna
believe this!

I was dropping Mateo off
and so we stopped by

to visit Catalina and
turns out, she's married.

What's wrong?

Did things go badly
with Rafael, because...

No, no, no.
It's, uh...

it's not Rafael.
I, um...

I sort of--
I quit my job today.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, she wanted him
to take an action.

I'm sorry for not talking
to you about it first.

It just...

I'm not even allowed
to be involved on cases

I've staked my entire career on.

And then some rookie

gave me a 20-minute lecture

on the proper way
to fill out evidence log forms

and I don't know,
I-I quit.

And then I panicked,
'cause I knew

I should have
talked to you first.

No. I get it.

You do?

Yes, of course.

Oh, I don't want you
to be miserable.

(sighs)

Armstrong gave me
a six-month severance package,

so, it gives me some time
to figure out my next move.

Okay, six
months is good.

I think it was
the right move.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Aw.

She doesn't even look nervous.

Oh. Now she does.

Those must be "I'm sorry
I was judgy about Bruce,

but Michael quit his job"
coffees.

Eh, you should see
how they butcher my name.

Uh-oh.

Maybe Jean and Zoe

have something else to discuss.

(sighs)

What happened?

Nothing. I'm fine.

Ma...
I don't want
to discuss it with you.

You can't be objective
when it comes to Bruce.

Okay. I get it.

(footsteps departing)

Is she okay?

(buzzing)

Remember, Jane. You don't
get a medal for meddling.

Yeah. She's great.
Thanks, Bruce.

Jane, please.
Why won't you
just leave her alone?

(gasps)

Because I care about her.

Oh, yeah? Is that why
she's in there, crying?

Again? Just like she did
for three years straight.

And do you know who had
to stand by her and pick up

the pieces every time?

Me.

So I'm sorry.

I-I just... I can't be on board.

ROGELIO: I told you,
it wouldn't be contentious.

Yes, great, you were right,
and I was wrong.

Let's finish up. Schooling.

Private or public?

Private.
Private.
And nannies?

The more the merrier.

Vacations?
Summers in Tulum.

Winters in Aspen.

How about media appearances?

Vanity Fair at three months,

People en Español
at six months,

and Us Wee cover shoot
at a year.

Have you settled on a last name?

Hmm.
(gasps)

De La Vega Factor?

DARCI:
The De La Vega Factor.

I like it.

Very good. Just, uh,
one final matter.

Procedure. Will you be having
sex or using insemination?

Insemination.

I'm worried Darci will fall

for me if we make love.

And it's important for us both

not to have feelings
for each other,

to make this work.

I totally agree.

Plus, I froze my eggs years ago.

I want to use the youngest ones.

Isn't she the best?

Relentlessly practical.

(chuckles)
Okay, great.

I will have copies
of the agreement

for you both to sign
in the next couple of days.

ROGELIO:
It's happening, people.

The negotiations are done.

All we have to do
is sign the contracts,

and in nine months,
out comes Rogelio Jr.,

or Rogeliana.

Well, no, that's the only thing
she hasn't agreed to.

Yet.
(laughs)

What is it?

I-I just can't believe
you're actually

going through with this.

What do you mean?
I've been talking

about it for weeks.

Yeah, well, you always
have crazy ideas

but you never
actually follow through.

What are you talking about?

We need to bond as a family.

One year.
A trip around the world!

I am all about Kaballah.

Here, I got you all red strings.

From now on,

you can call me Yahweh.

I'm thinking
of growing a man bun.

It's a terrible idea.

The man bun?
Because I'm still debating.

No! The baby.
You hardly know her.

We agreed on absolutely
everything about child rearing.

Plus, you know how much
I want another child.

Mm.

I would very much like
to introduce you.

Trust me,
to know her

is to love her
in a totally non-emotional,

nonsexual way.

RAFAEL:
I don't understand.

Why wouldn't you just tell me?
I'm divorced.

I mean, we've talked
about my divorce.

I know. And I can't
really explain it,

except that I'd made
such a huge mistake,

and it felt so good
not to think about it

or talk about it. Finally.

Plus, I have a habit
of running from problems

rather than dealing with them.

Well. I can relate to that.

Darling,

I wasn't looking for anything
when I met you.

This... this just happened.

And is it over?

With the old guy?

Oh, don't call him that.
I googled him. He's old.

I said it was a mistake.
Is it over?

Absolutely. Ask Jane. She heard
me tell him to pack up and go.

Jane met him?

JANE: I'm sorry.
I wasn't sure what to do.

I told her to tell you.

You should have told me.

(sighs)
Yeah. You're right.

How'd you leave things?

Well, she swears it's over
with the old guy.

What do you think?
You trust her?

I'm not sure.

Yeah. Me neither.

Look,
if anything else happens...

Absolutely.
Anything I know, you know.

ANEZKA:
What would you like to know?

Anything at all?

Answers from the beyond,

available here, today.

Beautiful sister,

what are you doing here?

Trust me, it was a last resort.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, one of the
pimps at my motel

was going to let me
use his cell phone

to call you but then he got
knifed in the stairwell

and had to go to hospital
so it didn't work out.

Look, I'm only here
because I need to know.

Has Scott reached out
to you at all?

No. Why? Has he asked about me?

No! I just don't know
if he's up to something.

He has money, suddenly.
That's what I need to know.

I need to know
where is it coming from.

Beautiful sister,

are you okay?

No. No, I-I am not okay.

You paralyzed me.
And now I'm paranoid,

and I can't trust anyone,
not even myself.

I need you to leave.

Yeah. That's...
That's part of the problem.

No! This is my booth.

I had to fight man who sells
dreamcatchers for it.

No. I meant the United States.

I'll get you a ticket.

You're going back
to the Czech Republic.
No. But...

It's either that
or you're going to jail.

MICHAEL:
I mean, it's highway robbery.

So I went to the car dealership

to see about leasing a new car,

(snaps fingers)
and suddenly, it hit me.

JANE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

You want to be a car salesman?

Come on down
to Seven Star Auto Dealer,

where our prices are insane!

Um... Do you really think
you'd like it?

Well, I mean, uh, enough.

It's a job. Steady pay.

Yeah. Y-You're just
not really a car guy.

I'm a car guy.

What's your favorite car?

Uh... the... the DeLorean.

Okay, I'm not a car guy.

But I might become a car guy.
Just don't rush into anything.

I want you to do something
you're passionate about.

Yeah, well, having sex with you
doesn't pay that well.

(laughs)
Just promise me

you'll wait a beat
before interviewing

at the car dealership.
Maybe try

the aptitude test I gave you.

(knocking on door)
There's someone at the door.

Okay, I'll be home soon.

Love you. Bye.

(knocking continues)

I can't believe
that you yelled at Bruce.

What were
you thinking?

Mom. You're already fighting,
he's already making you cry.

We weren't fighting.
We were talking

about his teenage daughter,
Tess, who hates me.

He said we'd just
keep working on it,

and I just felt sad.
Oh.

Yeah. And he thought that she'd
get past it eventually--

she's only 16, right?

But now, after talking to you,
he's not so sure she will.

Mom. I'm so sorry.

(buzzing)
Mm-mm-mm.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
If he won't say it, I will.

Nobody likes a meddler.

Hey, did you pick up
the rum cake my mom likes

for dinner tonight?
Yes.

I even had the baker write,
"Sorry I messed things up

with Bruce" in vanilla frosting.
(laughs)

Just kidding.

It's in the fridge.

Thank you.

And career aptitude test
complete and the results are in.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Drumroll, please.

Okay.

So it says here I should be...

A detective. Okay.

So that was a big
ol' waste of time.

Hey, at least we know
that it works.

(sighs)
Stop, look.

They give more than
one career option.

Plus, it says
that you're analytic,

fair-minded, result-oriented,
and incredibly sexy.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I didn't see "incredibly sexy"
on that list.

Let's see. A P.I.,
security consult... Ooh!

An FBI analyst.
Oh, forget it.

All these jobs are just me
sitting at a desk, wishing

I was in the field, doing
the real investigative work.

I... I might as well
be a car salesman.

As long as it's something
that you're excited about.

I want you to be happy.

You know what would
make me happy?
Hmm?

Not going to this dinner
with your mom and Bruce.

Can I just make a case
as to why I shouldn't go?

I'm listening.

I don't know Bruce. Okay?

I've never met Bruce.

And I'd just be
in the way, taking up

precious Bruce-Jane
bonding time. Okay?

Plus, I really need
to go to the station,

pack up my stuff in the office,
say good-bye to the guys.

And I'm making the super cute,
"Don't make me go

"to the dinner
with your mom's boyfriend

who you yelled at" face.

Ugh, fine. Of course.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us here, now...

Uh, some wine?

Is this safe to drink?

Oh, yeah, I didn't...

He was just making a joke.

Right. (laughs weakly)

Look, I know the
idea of me dating

your mom again is a
tough pill to swallow.

Yeah, well,
there's history there.

Right. Yeah.
For my daughter, too.

Did she... know,

while you guys were...
having the affair?

Yeah.

I went over there, once.

Bruce!

(kicks door)
Bruce!

Come out here!

We both made bad choices.

When your mom
finally walked away,

it was my wakeup call.

I was so unhappy, I was
making everybody else unhappy.

So I made a change.

And it was hard.

Every step of the way.

How about your ex-wife?

We're good now.

Finally.

But my daughter's
having a hard time,

now that I'm with Xo.

And I would never
put her through this

if I didn't think that your
mom-- and what we have--

is worth it.

Just give your daughter
some time.

I bet she'll come around.

(exhales)

So, thank you for giving Bruce
another chance.

Well, he seems
to really care about you.

Right?

So, can we put another
dinner on the books?

Maybe a double date?

Yeah, sure.

When?

I don't know,
just give me a minute.

What's wrong?

Nothing, I'm tired,
I got to get Mateo.

Jane.

Look, I always saw Bruce
as the guy who wreaked havoc

on our family, but now
you're that person to them.

And... I don't know,

I-I don't like thinking
about you like that.

I'm sorry,
you asked me what was wrong.

No, it's okay, I get it.

Hey, Michael,
I'm done with dinner.

I'm picking up Mateo
and I'll be home soon.

(laughs)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Sacre bleu!

Sorry, I mean, oh, my gosh.

(sighs)

So, of course I told Rafael.

He said he was gonna end it,
but I mean, can you believe her?

What? Why are you smiling?
None of this is funny.

I'm sorry, I just
actually had a breakthrough,

something I'd love to try.

Okay? I don't know
if it's a career,

but I'm excited.

Oh, my God, what is it?
Tell me.

Okay, well,
I went down to the station, um,

and Dennis and the guys,
they threw me

a little surprise
going-away party,

and I made a speech,
and I was cracking everybody up.

I mean, seriously
cracking them up.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And...

And it made me
realize something.

Maybe I should try

my hand at stand-up comedy.

(laughs)

He's not joking, Jane.

Well, that sounds great.

XIOMARA:
A comedian?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
No, Alba.

Not like Jerry Seinfeld.

I mean, kind of,
but kind of... not?

Has he been telling
you his jokes?
Oh, yeah. Nonstop.

Okay, check this out. This is
something I've been working on.

Inspired by...
(imitates actor): Jim Carrey.

And then for the next 11 minutes

he talked out of his butt.

Oh.

Yeah, not the Jim Carrey bit.

I agree,
Michael is hilarious,

but do you know
what the odds are

of becoming
a successful comedian?

Well, you're an
aspiring novelist.

That's not exactly
a straightforward career path.

I know, I agree,
and I'm trying to support him.

And you guys will
have a chance, too.

He signed up to perform
at a comedy club tonight.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

Should I get him to postpone?
Practice more?

I just don't want him
to fall on his face

after all he's been
through lately.

If he fails, he fails.

He's a big boy,
he can handle it.

(buzzing)

I'm with her.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I was, too...

along with the rest
of the popular vote.

Bee supportive.

No meddling, missy.
(laughs)

Which brings us here. Now.

Oh, my God. Every time I hear
it, it just gets funnier.

Really?
Definitely.

Okay, let's go over my
Godfather as Batman bit again.

Go for it.

(imitating Vito Corleone):
Hey...

I'm Batman,
and we're family, okay?

So, what do you
think you're doing?

You robbing that bank?

You can't rob from family.

(laughs)
(chuckles)

Wow. Methinks thou dost
crack up too much.

You are killing me.
(cell phone ringing)

Yes!
Oh, hold on,
it's Catalina.

Hello?

Rafael just ended
our relationship

because you told him
you saw me kissing Arnaud.

You got in the car.
You kissed him.

A friendly kiss.

I don't kiss my friends
like that.

Well, I do,
and you should have called me,

and not run to Rafael.

I don't want him to get hurt.

And what about me?

I've known you for a month

and you've lied the whole time.

He's my child's father.

Well, I guess I know

where your loyalties lie.

Yes, you do.

(cell phone beeps)
Oh.

Okay, who's in the mood
for a comedy show?

Totally calm and I totally feel
like I'm gonna throw up.

(chuckles)

So, is Bruce coming?

No. He has his daughter,

but thanks for inviting him.

You know, I was thinking
about what you said,

about not wanting to see me
that way... and I get it.

But... I've changed...

and maybe that's why
I think he can, too.

Okay, so Darci will be here
any minute.

You said you'd try.
I am trying.

We are scientifically
and mathematically

compatible to breed.

I will show you
the algorithm.

Oh, please, you don't even
know what an algorithm is.

(mocking):
I do, too.

No, you don't.
Yes, I... shh! Darci.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh, this
calls for another drumroll.

(drumroll plays)

Can I get you a drink?

Vodka soda.
Iced tea for me.

Oh, that's right. You're
about to get pregnant.

Got to keep that
body nice and pure.

You've certainly
thought of everything.

It's because I'm driving.

Oh.

Look, I'm a straight shooter,

so I'm just gonna say this.

I'm sensing a
little tension here.

You think?

I tried to tell her
about the algorithm.

I take it you're not on board

with our plan to coparent.

You've only known each other
for two weeks.

We've thought
everything through,

negotiated the terms
of our agreement,

and we took my
very comprehensive

compatibility Love Forecast.

It takes a lot more
than a compatibility test

to make this kind of commitment,

otherwise, everyone matched
on eHarmony would be married.

My Love Forecast is
better than eHarmony's...

...if you're honest.

Question 42 of our
compatibility test is,

"Do you have a
supportive family?"

You checked yes,

and clearly, you don't.

I'm gonna go freshen up.

(sighs)
What?

Ma, come on.
You know this is crazy.

SCOTT:
Let me fix this.

There must be
something I can do.

No, beautiful sister is certain.

I must go back
to Czech Republic.

I just wanted to say good-bye.

I missed you.

Oh, I'm sorry,

it's not the golden
locks you fell for.

Oh, no. I... It was you who
I fell in love with, Anezka.

Please, stay.
We can be together.

Without Petra's money,
I have no place to live.

No, I have money.

Rafael and I made
an arrangement.

I can take care of you,
hide you.

No, she'll find me.

She'll put me in jail.

And...

she's already suspecting you
of something.

Just be careful
around her. Please.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow.
What is this, The Americans?

He's gonna kill it.

I hope so, my stomach hurts.

Okay, hello, everyone.

Get ready to laugh...

or not.
I can't really say

because we have
a first-time performer

here at The Laugh Outlet.

So, please give

a "we'll-reserve-judgment"
welcome

to Michael Cordero.

(audience cheering)

(whooping)
Bravo, Michael!

Yeah, baby!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Go, Michael!

Come on.

Go, Michael.

Michael, go.

This is either a classic
case of stage fright

or an ill-timed series of
tiny, consecutive strokes.

You suck.

(microphone feedback)

Can somebody get me
a gong already?

(woman laughs)

(man imitates gong ringing)

(audience members laugh)

MAN:
Get off the stage.

Psst. You spend a lot
of time with a toddler.

(whispering):
I should go.
Hey. You got this.

You spend a lot of time
with a toddler.

(audience whispering)

You spend a lot of time
with a toddler.

I, uh, I spend a lot of time

with a toddler.

And so...
And so, um, I-I've been watching

(mouthing)
a lot of Sesame Street.

And you know who
goes down there one day? Uh...

Bobcat Goldthwait.

Yeah, you remember him, right?

From the Police Academy movies.

Well, those movies are
actually one of the reasons

why I became a cop, except six,

Under Siege,
'cause that was just goofy.

(Jane and Rogelio laugh)

Anyway, Bobcat talks
to Cookie Monster, he's like,

(imitating Bobcat Goldthwait):
Hey, um, uh, Cookie Monster,

um, you want to get the biggest
cookie you've ever seen?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, this bit goes on longer
than it should,

but it should be noted

that Michael wasn't the worst
comedian in the world.

This is Jerry Seinfeld as E.T.

(imitating Jerry Seinfeld):
Did you ever have a time

where your finger
just glows for no reason?

The pirate from Captain Phillips
as played by SpongeBob,

uh, Mateo's favorite.

(imitating SpongeBob):
Look at me! Look at me!

I'm the captain now.

(imitates SpongeBob's laughter)

Dame Judi Dench as Scarface.

(imitating Judi Dench):
First you get the money,

then... you get the power,

then you get the woman.

That one went right
over Mateo's head.

At least, not to the people
who loved him the most.

But on a less comedic note...

EMILIO:
You are such a disappointment.

We're at 50% capacity.

Dad, I'm working on that.

Just give me a chance.

You're lazy.
You're unmotivated.

You've accomplished nothing.

Look at your sister.
Even she is on the right path.

Dad, I don't understand
why you coddle her.

Luisa's family and...

family's everything.

MICHAEL:
You are not

Emilio and Elena's
biological son.

I wonder if my dad knew.

That's why he always

treated me so differently.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wait, why does he look
so upset?

I can't see anything from here.

That's better.

An addendum to Emilio's will?

I knew I was right to be
worried about the money.

And you guys thought
I was shallow.

(knocking on door)

Petra, this is not
a good time.

Frankly, I don't care.

It's awfully dark in here.

Hiding something?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
The will.

What's going on, Petra?

You know, maybe
I could have forgiven you

for not knowing
I was in a coma.

Maybe I could have
forgiven you for,

(pouring drink)
I don't know,

sleeping with my sister.

Maybe I could have even
forgiven you for...

using Scott to screw me.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Uh-oh.

Uh, what are you
talking about?

He told me.

I went to him,

as Anezka,
and he told me.

You made me feel
like I...

(chuckles)
like I was...

crazy... and paranoid.

I'm sorry.
Well, I'm not.

'Cause now I know
who you really are,

and the lengths you'll go to
to get what you want.

But let me tell you something.

You... have absolutely no idea

the lengths I'll go to.

XIOMARA:
So I wanted to apologize.

I was rude before,
and I want to assure you

that Rogelio does have
a supportive family.

Doesn't seem like it.

Look, I'm just
protective of him.

You guys are moving fast.

In some ways.

But we've both been
wanting children

for a really long time,

and we've both been
unlucky in love.

It's a gamble.
Love is a gamble.

This is methodical.

I'm only looking
for one quality,

and that's a good father
for my child.

And I know Rogelio
will be one

because of the way he talks
about your daughter.

There you are.
Should we go?

I'm shooting my film
tomorrow morning,

and, unlike Beyoncé,
I don't wake up like this.

Break a leg.

Oh, and I was just
telling Darci,

question number 42?

It's a yes.

So, question.
Hmm?

Did you really think
I was funny

when I was practicing
and stuff?

I mean, yeah.

Not totally.

Oh, my God.
Why didn't you tell me?

You let me make
a fool of myself.

I wanted to stay out
of it and be supportive,

like Mr. Let It Bee said.

Oh, I almost forgot
about Mr. Let It Bee.
Oh, my God.

I shouldn't have brought it up.
"I kinda rely
on your meddling, Jane."

Or your judgments,
let's call it.

I would have much rather
you told me to save my set

for Christmas
with the Villanuevas.

Not even Christmas
with the Villa...

I'm just being honest.
Ow. Ouch. Ouch.

(goofy voice):
Honestly?
Hmm?

Mr. Let It Bee's
kinda in the mood.

Michael, stop it.
Bzzz.

I'm serious.

Let's get bizzzy.
Bizzzy!

(laughing)

(phone ringing)

Abuela?

Oh, no.
What happened?

I thought she was having brunch
with Bruce and Tess.

Oh, no.

(buzzing)

Don't do it, Jane.

No meddling.
Remember,

meddling merely
makes a mess.

But sometimes meddling's
for the best.

Like Michael told you.

Who are you?
Who am I?

I'm Bette Meddler.

And I say Jane

should put the pedal
to the meddle.

Buzz off.
Do it, Jane.

You're the wind
beneath her wings.

You know what?
I will.

Uh, let me call you back,
Abuela.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
You know those moments

when a solution is
crystal clear...

and then you get there
and realize it might not be

such a great idea?
Can I help you
with something?

Oh, no, uh...

Never mind,
I was just leaving.

Wait.

You're Jane Villanueva,
right?

What are you doing here?

Did your slutty mom
send you here to spy on me?

Uh, no, she didn't.

It's Jane. I recognize her
from Instagram.

Her mom's the ho-bag.

You just walked in to
the wrong store, girl.

Tell your mom
to leave Tess alone.

Yeah, and tell
her skanky ass

to step off.
Girls, please.

Watch your language.

Hey, I got this.

Go fold those
graphic sleep tees.

But...
We can...
Sleep tees!

What do you want?

Just to talk.

Look, I get why
you hate my mom,

but she's not
who you think she is.

She's changed.

I think you need to change
because your outfit is basic.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Dang, she dropped the "B" word.

Understand.
Got that note.

Anyway, I just mean

my mom wouldn't do the things
she did then now.

And I know she is so sorry
for how she acted,

and I get how you feel,
I honestly do.

But they have something.

They make each other happy.

And trust me, I hate
to admit that.

Are you buying anything?

Because I work
on commission.

Y-y-yeah.

These, uh...
these socks.

That's it?

Uh, also, um, this top.

And I can't wait to check out
those graphic sleep tees.

And who doesn't need
an extra pair of khakis?

I can't believe they
costumed me in khakis.

They're so not flattering.
Relax, Rogelio.

You're only going to be
wearing them for a few seconds.

All right.
Contract signed.

Good luck out there.
Wait.

Sorry, I'm just
a little nervous.

Is it the nudity?

God, no, not that.
That's nothing.

It's just that I'm used
to telenovelas,

and this is indie film acting.

It's more subtle.

I just want it to be great.

Now, listen, Rogelio.

Don't you let
that doubt creep in.

I know your matchmaking profile
inside and out,

and your confidence quadrant
was off the charts.

And one day our kid
is gonna be so proud of you

for giving this great
performance,

so you get out there.

Do it for our future spawn.

Come with me?

I'd love to.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't want to feel anymore.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And it was at this rather

inopportune moment

that Rogelio realized
something.

Um, Rogelio...

Oh, my!

Yeah, can you do
something about that?

I don't think
I can just now.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yep, his feelings for Darci

had definitely come up.

Thanks for leaving
the stage.

And I have something
to confess.

I've grown feelings
for you.

Yeah, I kind of
picked up on that.

But you gotta
get over it

if you want to have
a baby with me, understand?

(sighs)
How bad is it?

Did I make everything worse?

Actually,
Bruce and Tess had

their first bonding moment
in a while,

over how unhinged
you seem to be.

And we rescheduled brunch.

She's giving me a chance.
That's great.

I'm so happy I helped.
Yeah, well,

no helping anymore.

Why? Michael appreciates it.

He's your husband.

There are many,
many things

you should do with your husband

that you shouldn't do
with your mom.

Good point.

I'll stay out of your
relationship with Bruce.

Gotta go. Love you.

(phone beeps)

Oh, um, hi.

Jane. Hi.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wait, I thought

he was done with her.

Sorry, I lost track of time.

Hey, so listen...

You don't need to tell me.
It's your business.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Good choice.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I think.

It just seems like a disaster
waiting to happen, that's all.

But you're staying
out of it, right?

Mm-hmm.

Random question.

How 'bout a lawyer?
For what?

For me, like, as a job?

I mean, it's related
to police work

and investigating, you know?

Whenever I testify
in cases,

I always thought
the legal positioning

was interesting.

Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.

But it's not practical.
I'd have to go back to school.

So you go back to school.

Does it feel exciting?
That's the important thing.

Is it something you could
see yourself doing long-term?

Yeah, I think so.

I mean, the law offices
of Michael Cordero Jr.

I like the sound of that.

Oh, wow, you opened
your own firm already.

Well, I gotta dream big.

That's what I'm
talking about.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, to see that dream

come true.

But alas...

I'm not gonna
sugarcoat things, okay?

Because I'm your lawyer, so
there's confidentiality here.

I'm thinking your father
suspected you weren't his son.

That's why he wrote
this addendum.

So am I really entitled
to nothing?

That's only if
the addendum is probated.

From what you're telling me,

you're the only one
who knows it exists.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Or was he?

It's awfully dark
in here.

RAFAEL (over speaker):
No, I haven't told anybody.

ALLISON:
Let's just keep it that way.

All right?
Nobody at all.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yep,

looks like someone else

knows it exists, too.