Original subtitles

- DI Major, DI Carver. - Fill us in.

The victim is male, mid-30's. Probable cause of death,

multiple blows to the head with a heavy vase.

Witnesses?

The body was found by the cleaner, she's got a key.

No sign of the victim's wife.

This is it, Roy, we're back!

- Well done, mate. You've earned it. - Murder. Whew, maybe even

double murder, touch wood.

No, let's not touch anything.

Could be organized crime, serial killer, who knows?

Maybe we should try and find out.

You know, what with that being our job.

Oh, we will mate. We're the best!

Yeah, heh, heh. Oh!

There's your weapon. Cash and jewellery untouched,

along with the victim’s passport.

The wife’s passport is missing.

Get's better. This could be international.

Why are you in such a good mood?

Can't just be the brutal murder?

I was saving this news for later,

but I've moved back in with Kelly!

What?

This pattern of blood spatter is consistent with the...

Can you shut up for a minute. Have you moved back in?

Well, early days. I'm in the spare room and,

we're trying to get some kind of routine back, you know?

It's a bit full-on, isn't it?

The marriage is at a crossroads, Roy.

We have to turn one way or the other. We can't just carry on.

- That's a T-Junction. - Is it?

Sir, before the blood dries, I think we should have a look ...

But what about this other fella she's been seeing?

We talked about that, it's over.

You don't whether or not Kelly's still got feelings

but I'm doing this with my eyes open.

Sir, I think we should look at this ...

Can you keep your mouth shut for a minute, please! Jesus!

- Carver! - Sorry.

You all right, Roy?

I'll deal with all this then, shall I?

Well, come on then, we ain't got all day.

That's great, Mike, so now that we've established that your...

drinking is related to your anxiety,

triggered by loud noises and aggression ...

- Why the fuck didn't you tell me ?! - Roy, I'm ... Wha ... I ...

- I ... I'm with a patient. - What, you forgot to mention it?

- Is this about John moving back in? - I don't know, Kelly!

How many other secrets have you got?

Look, I'm really sorry about that.

It's just that John insisted on telling you himself.

He told me at a murder scene standing over a caved in skull.

He told me how you'd welcomed him back with open arms,

and what a happy marriage you've got again.

No, no, sw ... No, I just ...

I have decided that my marriage is

worth a chance, and if it doesn’t work out,

then I need to give it the space to die naturally, before I...

Ahh, drop the psycho-babble bullshit!

You're not in one of your therapy sessions now!

Thank you.

It's not like you were happy with John before he got shot.

You told me you were about to leave him!

Yes, but things have changed, he's changed.

How would you know? You've hardly spent any time with him!

Well I'm gonna spend time with him now!

Let me save you the trouble.

He's still an arrogant, selfish gobshite!

Says the man shouting at me!

I think this would be a really good time for us to have a chat about, erm,

therapist - patient confidentiality.

I need you to collate traffic camera footage on the area

surrounding ​​the crime scene. Sorry, I blanked on your name.

Well, the name you usually call me is Judy, but I'm actually ...

Judy! That's it! ASAP if you would.

- My name's not Judy, you twat! - Roy,

What do you think of this vase?

It's the murder weapon.

Not the actual one, but, yeah. High Street, £16.99.

What are you thinking?

I just thought it's the kind of thing

that Kelly would like. Is it weird though?

Given as something I saw used as a murder weapon?

No, I think you should definitely give it to her.

Just make sure you tell her where you got the idea from.

Cheers. I'll give it to her later.

We're nipping home together for lunch. Jacket potato!

John, we're lead investigators on a murder case.

We've got a press conference at half-twelve.

You can’t just "nip home for a potato"!

You just AWOL at the crime scene! What was that all about?

Well, I...

I was keeping tabs on Gilbert and Ryle.

I think it's time we let the boss know she's got bent coppers in the unit.

I thought you wanted to get more evidence first?

We need to do whatever it takes!

It's time they got what's coming to them.

No matter how many long hours we have to work.

I'll get Judy to gift wrap it.

That's a hell of an accusation.

Two bent coppers at the heart of my unit?

Well, that'd make me a damn fool.

Have you got any evidence for this?

That time you arrested a horse?

Not as such, boss. DI Major got the

information through reading their lips.

It's an AI thing, probably.

What, so if I mouthed the lyrics to,

Hotel California, say. You could read them?

[mouths lyrics]

- Did you get that? - Yes, boss.

And it does sound like a lovely place.

Okay, you've convinced me.

But I still need hard evidence.

- So, what are we meant to do? - First, don't raise any suspicions.

One-way blackout glass.

Offers complete privacy if you want to talk to me about any developments.

Boss. You know that you can see through that from the other side?

No. No, it’s one-way glass

Yeah, that's what the "one-way" bit means.

What? People can see in?! Now?

Yeah.

So, all the time I've had this fitted,

you've always been able to see in?

Yeah.

Last Wednesday morning? For example?

Yeah.

About Gilbert and Ryle, boss.

We think they're taking orders from a criminal known as The Juggler.

Does that name mean anything to you?

- Boss? - Huh?

We'll, er, we'll investigate further, boss.

Keep you updated.

Well, she was no help!

No, she said we needed evidence.

Let's get some. Follow my lead.

Carver

All right, you two. How's tricks?

DI Carver. Metal Mickey.

We just wanted to say thanks.

We appreciate all the hard work you're putting in, looking for John's killer.

Don't we?

Maybe it's time we got over this thing between us?

- What "thing"? - Taking the piss out of each other.

The problem is,

Your mate's got a chip on his shoulder.

And a chip in his head. And his spine.

She means, like, computer chips.

It's only banter. What with him being part IT.

- AI. - Whatever.

You're both twats. How's that for banter?

So, do you fancy it then? Bevvy after work?

Yeah. Let's just drop everything, and go out with you two?

Well, you were sad when they never asked us to that pool tournament...

Shut up.

What... time... were you thinking?

Seven?

Excuse me.

- Did you tell her about the glass? - Yeah.

Thank Christ someone did.

- What's this? - Draft commission report

into police AI.

It's the decision on whether Major lives or dies.

- This isn't due for another week! - You know me by now.

I have skills.

Read that.

"This committee is minded to countermand

directive 5B, with immediate effect."

It's another way of saying, "switch him off"! Read the next bit.

"This is another way of saying, switch him off."

Yeah.

But he stopped the head of the committee from getting shot!

How can they switch him off?

Well, since you ask, they fire a

powerful electromagnetic pulse directly into the base of the...

Ah, no, so you mean, "why would they ..."

So hack it! You said you've got skills! Change the report!

I can't hack their brains, Roy! You want me to change their minds,

try solving some more fucking crimes!. And ideally in the next week.

Fine! Okay! We'll solve this murder,

and Blue Finch, and we'll expose Gilbert and Ryle,

total focus!

We'll work harder than we've ever worked in our lives!

This,

is a nice potato.

Fluffy.

It's a lovely vase! Thank you.

And we know it won’t break. Even if you really,

whack it on something.

- Do you know what's strange? - Mm?

Even when I was dead, you still recorded my favourite shows.

World Series of Darts, Ice Road Truckers ...

Did I?

You don't watch any of those shows. Only me.

Well, and Roy, of course.

He loves Ice Road Truckers more than I do.

If I didn’t know better,

Do you know what I'd think?

No. What?

I'd think you knew I was coming back.

Well, you can watch them all now. That's good.

No. I'm deleting them.

I don't want to watch darts, Kelly.

All I want to do is spend every spare minute,

with you. Al, play something romantic.

Al, don't.

This isn't about grand gestures, like,

deleting darts.

Let's try and just get back to our, old,

routines.

I don't want to go back to old routines.

Old routines was me being at work all the time, neglecting you,

keeping the streets safe. - We both made mistakes.

You didn't.

- Good morning. - Oh look at that!

Oh hello! Look who's on TV!

Al, full screen.

Yesterday, police were called to a residence in response to an

emergency call.

The victim was identified as, Mr. Grant Barlow.

We are currently seeking a woman in her 30s

to assist with our enquiries...

Is this the case that you're working on, John?

"Working"? I'm leading the enquiry.

Be assured, our best officers are working around the clock on this.

Shouldn't you be sitting in that chair?

This is the only chair for me.

Thirty-nine missed calls.

I know. That's why I put it on silent.

Oh my God, John, you need to get to work!

Get up. You need to get to work!

What? We haven't had pudding!

All units, code two.

Murder suspect, Rebecca Barlow's phone has been located.

Circulating coordinates. - DI Carver, on my way.

Come on!

- Mrs. Barlow? - No.

Funny. It's the name on your card.

- Bit of cash for the weekend? - That's right.

Please take your

1.5 million Colombian pesos.

- Wanna follow me? - Yeah.

- Not gonna run away? - No.

Mrs. Barlow,

you don't seem very upset about the death of your husband. Why's that?

Sorry I'm late.

Have I missed much?

For the benefit of the tape. DI Major has entered the interview room.

Mrs. Barlow, I'd like to show you something.

It's the scene of your husband's death.

How about this one?

Me and my wife Kelly in Santorini.

I don’t know if you've been there, but I have to say, it is

stunning.

And this is us at Wagamama. Ah, not a special occasion, but it's

it's one of my favorite pictures...

DI Major, I think we should focus on the murder investigation.

Well I just thought some photos of a loving

relationship might provoke a reaction,

all right? But we'll do it your way, Roy.

How were things between you?

Would you say it was a happy marriage?

Well, we've had our ups and downs, Roy, but so does everyone.

- One thing I will say though, is ... - I was talking to Mrs. Barlow!

Sorry, of course you were.

What were you going to say though?

- What? - You said, "one thing I will say".

Well it's, just that I've realised that,

the key to a happy marriage

is devotion.

Total focus on the other person, you know?

Some people would say independence is important,

spending time apart.

Oh, I think he's romantic! Go home, be with your wife.

- You think? - Don’t listen her!

She's just clubbed her husband to death!

Er, I didn't.

With all due respect, Roy, I mean,

at least she's been married. You haven't.

Ah, unlike you! Who had a very rocky marriage, actually.

Which is exactly why I'm devoting myself to Kelly now.

What, and forgetting everything else?

Mate, they're going to switch you off!

I've read the report!

This is serious!

Look. If they're gonna switch me off,

all I wanna do with the time that I've got is be with my wife.

For the benefit of the tape, DI Carver is shaking his head.

Fine! If that's what you want, give up!

I'm sure I'll manage without you.

So will Kelly.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, she found a shoulder to cry on the last time you died.

I'm sure she's still got that fella's number!

Why are you being such an arsehole?

To make you face the truth!

Look! You can either roll over and die,

or you can do your job!

Crack this case, nail Gilbert and Ryle,

and show these bastards on the Committee,

that you're worth saving!

So, Mrs. Barlow.

Where were you when your husband was murdered?

Take as long as you like. We're not going anywhere.

I knew it'd be worth it in the end.

But she didn't tell us anything.

No, but I did make this smashing balloon octopus for Kelly.

Lovely. You can give it to her tomorrow.

Eh?

Well, we've got a date tonight, remember?

I've never been computer dating. Have you?

- Yeah, a few times. - He's not a computer.

- That's all right. It's not a date. - Come on then, Robocop.

We've done that one already.

Oh, sorry, Robocop-2.

- Do we have to do this? - Look. We need evidence.

So be nice and don't rise to the insults.

Three pints of lager and a can of WD-40 please, barman!

Be nice. We'll get them pissed, and maybe they'll open up.

Roger that.

Cheers. Cheers.

Zzzz...zzzz. Like a robot.

- Here we go! - Cheers!

One more, one more.

How are you getting on with the case?

There's things I know about, that, you wouldn't... not...believe.

Yeah? What things?

Things... you wouldn't even think about.

Keep drinking. There you go, there you go, look.

You've had enough, you've had enough.

That was a waste of time.

DI Gilbert told us a lot.

Yeah, about his awful divorce, and living with his mum,

and no one loves him apart from his cat.

- So I asked him the cat's name. - Why?

Because I bet you any money,

that's his computer password.

And that's gonna give us all the evidence we need

that they're bent as a bottle of nine bob notes.

Do you think he'd be that stupid?

Let's try it.

What was it, now? It began with a "b" I think.

For fuck's sake!

Billy!

Bertie?

Hang on.

What are you doing?

- Hello? - Hello, Mrs. Gilbert,

I'm so sorry to wake you.

This is DI Major here, from Simon's work.

- Oh hello, how are you? - Very good, thanks. How are you?

- I'm very well, thank you. - Excellent.

I was just wondering. What's his cat called?

- Humphrey. - Humphrey! I was way off!

Thanks Mrs Gilbert. Sleep tight.

All right. Bye.

No, that's not it. Cat's birthday?

I'll ring her back.

Leave it! We'll get Parfit to hack it.

Okay.

I’ll ring Kelly and tell her I'll be back late.

Or do you think she'll be asleep?

Not yet.

I mean, I don't know! Do I?

Maybe I should text. I dunno, what do you think?

Look, she's your wife! Why do you keep asking me?

Sorry Roy, I just ...

My way of trying to be a better man,

is to keep asking myself:

"What would Roy do?"

Go home.

I thought we were working around the clock?

No, go home, you've a wife waiting for you.

You've done enough for today.

All right.

Hopefully I'll get a bit of action! See you tomorrow.

Thank you.

I need you to hack a computer.

What am I? IT support?

- Yeah. - I'm a little busy right now.

- Parfit, we're desperate! - Really?

So you haven't solved all the world's crimes

and rooted out its corrupt cops? Quelle surprise!

Look, Major's fucked, so why don't you do something!

I have.

To convince the committee,

we have to show them the supercop, right?

Meet John Major, version 3.0.

You're welcome.

- Kel? - I'm in here.

- I am... so sorry. - It's fine. Don't worry about it.

No, no, no, it's not fine.

I said I'd be here. I said I'd cook.

Look at me! Four hours late and smelling of booze.

Wine? You're on a murder case, you have to stay late.

- You sound like Roy. - Hmm? What do you mean?

Oh just, until now he's been telling me,

"Don't go home, stay and work,

put your marriage on hold. "

Roy told you to stay and work, did he?

He's such a good mate.

You think!

Speak of the devil.

Roy. What do you want?

I need him back at S.I.U. Right now.

Well, he's only just sat down for his tea, so, erm...

Kelly, trust me on this, it's for his own good.

You're needed back at work.

Cheers, Roy.

I'm getting a feeling of deja vu here.

This time's different.

- Why? Because this time it'll work? - Because, this time,

we've got nothing to lose.

I've been cautious until now,

so as not to damage him.

This time I've thrown everything at him: speed, memory, processing power.

It'll either blow his brains up, or make him significantly less...

shit.

- Who set me up? Give me the name! - Juggler.

I'm the best cop in the unit, mate. They had to bring me back.

- Holy shit, a foot! - Jesus!

- Who did this to you? - It was The Juggler.

Juggler.

Bell end!

I know everything.

I also made you this. It's a snake.

Jesus Christ, John! You never said you had a gun!

Do you think that John knows about Roy and I?

- I'm just a low-level drug dealer. - Oh fuck off!

I could have you deported back to Disneyland

before you can say, "Golden Grahams".

- I'm covering you, Roy! - No, I'm covering you!

- Someone's coming. - John, who is it?

Surprise, surprise.