Original subtitles

Hello John.

Coming 'round for tea tonight?

Chicken pie.

Die........-!!!

Congratulations, DI Major,

you shot your grandmother.

Again.

You've obviously never tried her chicken pie.

I told you these tests were pointless.

Carver, is that you?

The tests are essential.

I've installed a full software update.

If it works he'll have faster cognition,

with no more glitches

Carver, were you in the room just now,

when I asked about getting porn on this?

No,

but thanks for bringing us up to speed.

I need something to help me relax. Oww!

Fuck a duck!

They filter the Internet in here.

I'm making my own photo-fit images to jerk off to.

Would you have any idea how humiliating that ...

Hi, hello.

These people are members of the AI Ethics Committee.

They're here to observe your new software update.

How do you do.

I don't think anyone wants to shake that now, mate.

We haven't got time to sit here on our fannies.

We got crimes to solve.

"Fannies"? Are you sure about this update?

As you can see, he's making excellent progress.

These maps show the location for the three most recent incidents.

Well, the three points form a triangle.

That can't be a coincidence.

Any three points form a triangle.

This is the area where the fly-tipping is concentrated.

We need you to get in there and ... - Fly-tipping?

We are detective inspectors.

You want us out there to catch litter bugs?

After you cocked up last time you're lucky

you're not standing in the middle of the road

holding a bloody great lollipop.

We should be out there busting meth labs and pedophiles.

- PAEDophile. - That's what I said. Pedophile.

- PAEDophile. - That's what I said. Pedophile.

This is your first case, John, I'm breaking you in gently.

And, Carver. You're supposed to be supervising him,

not jumping off bloody car parks!

I'll make sure he behaves, boss.

Any progress on the investigation into my shooting?

You stay well away from that, John,

That's been Gilbert and Ryle's case from day-one.

- Gilbert and Ryle are crap! - Leave it, leave it.

We'll get you the results on this, boss. Come on.

One more thing. Carver's right.

Three points always make a triangle.

What's going on, Roy?

I want to know who shot me, and it's like no-one cares!

Not Dennett, not Gilbert and Ryle! I mean, not even you seem ...

What's this?

My secret hobby for the last year.

Don't get excited.

I haven't found any answers.

Operation Blue Finch.

Plus everything we know about your shooting:

Faces, wheels, known associates.

Everything.

What?

Don't look at me like that, it's weird.

I don't deserve you, buddy.

First you take the rap for the car park thing, which was,

technically my fault, and now this.

What else have you been taking care of for me?

Kelly.

Hiya. You all right? How are you doing?

Yeah, not too bad, really, under the circ ...

Oh, sorry, you were talking to him.

I didn’t realise you were sleeping here,

I thought you had your own place.

I do have my own place, Kelly. You just won't let me live in it.

What are these? Is it a photo-fit image?

- Who's that? - They're erm, confidential.

Well, I brought you over your things so ...

Have you come to say that we're through? Do I need an attorney?

What! Do you mean lawyer?

What? No. I came here to ask you out for dinner.

Because I can't remember the last time we had a meal together, actually.

Okay. Well. It was the night that I got shot.

We had that big row..

Roy was comforting you, and I remember thinking ...

I should be going. Give me a call later, yeah?

Things are looking up!

Yeah ...

I'll just be a minute, mate, yeah?

Since when did I support Liverpool?

Kelly!

What, you're taking him out on a date?

- I need to talk to him. - But what about talking to me?

You've ignored my phone calls.

Roy, these last few months have been amazing, but,

y'know it's like we've woken up or more specifically, he's woken up.

So, what, you just forget about us, as if nothing's happened?

I can't just dump John. He's vulnerable.

You know, if he messes up, they're gonna...

they're gonna...switch him off.

Ah, bollocks will they switch him off!

He's fine, Parfit's fixed him.

I ran a software update.

He won’t let me test it, so,

I don’t know if it worked. - This new software,

is it American by any chance? - Why do you ask?

Catch ya' later, baby doll.

Come on, buddy. Time we hit that garbage dump.

No reason in particular.

- Nothing! Diapers ... - Nappies!

- ...aluminum cans... - Aluminium!

- I feel like a hobo. - Oh for fuck's sake ...

Why won't you do Dr Parfit's tests?

Look, I don’t need to be tested.

'Cos I'm not a computer, or a robot, or a machine!

I'm augmented. That's all.

We know that, mate. But they're psychological tests,

not the Turing test. - What?

The Turing test. Named after...

Alan Turing, the code breaker, I know what the Turing test is:

you talk to someone for an hour and

see whether you can tell if they're gay.

It's definitely not that, mate.

Bloody hell, what's this?

- A cell phone. - Mobile.

There's no SIM. We might be able to get some data off ...

- Holy shit, a foot! - Jesus!

Male, size... ten.

No blood. Tissue damage indicates it was sawn off post-mortem.

We're looking at a homicide.

Was it just a foot? But why would someone dump a single foot?

Ritualistic? Partial tattoo suggests an occult significance.

Shit, Major! Looks like we're back in serious crimes after all.

Ugh! What did you do that for?

- Oh, sorry. - Fucking dickhead!

Put it in a bag!

Forensics said six hours for a full DNA analysis.

Judy, I need you to contact Missing Persons,

try to ID this tattoo.

Okay, my name still isn't Judy though...

We're gonna crack this one, John, I can feel it.

Look who it is: Inspector Gadget.

Beat it, assholes. I'm busy.

Yeah. Busy being interviewed by us. about your shooting.

You update Dennet on the foot.

No, you found it. You deserve the credit.

There's no I in team, Roy. This one's yours.

Don't be nervous, DI Major, we're not gonna charge you.

Not unless your battery's low!

It was a joke. Y'know, about you being a computer.

You shouldn't make jokes like that...

it's not very "PC".

What have you got on my shooting?

The gunman had a red jeep.

Did you put out an APB on the vehicle?

All right, Siri.

We'll ask the questions.

We heard someone gave you a name just before you got shot.

Give me the name!

Yeah.

I can't remember it. I tried, but I just ...

Okay. I understand.

Have you tried switching yourself off and on again?

I am not a computer. I'm a detective, a human detective!

It's just banter. We're not serious.

Right, this is who you should be after: Liam Cleasby

known associate of the shooters.

We had him a few days ago, but he ... got away.

We saw Cleasby a year ago.

Small-time dealer, he didn't know anything.

So that's it then! Interview concludes.

- Recording discontinued. - What, that's it?

This is meant to be a homicide investigation.

- Yeah... is it though? - What do you mean, "is it"?

- I'm the one that was murdered! - Yeah, you were murdered,

but you're not murdered anymore, are you?

So is it a murder case, or not?

I'd call it attempted murder, possibly GBH.

I'll be honest, you're giving the lawyers a real headache.

Are you telling me I've not been murdered? I've been fucking murdered!

Calm down. Ctrl-Alt-Del

Well, thanks for your cooperation.

We'll likely speak to you again in the future.

- We'll leave you on standby. - Standby! Like a computer.

- Douche-bags. - Douche-bags?

- Catch all that, Cleasby? - I'll pass it on.

- What happens to him now? - That's above my pay grade.

- He doesn't remember anything. - He remembers the jeep.

Pity. I always liked this car.

The tattoo is a Celtic symbol associated with the Isle of Man.

I'm liaising with the Manx police. Tissue samples are with forensics.

Okay, DI Carver. I'll give you 24 hours.

Let's see if you can prove people wrong.

Thanks, boss.

What people?

Well, you know. All those ones who said you were washed up Major died.

Who assumed you were an alcoholic or

had a breakdown, you lost focus so much.

God knows, I said it myself a hundred times.

Anyway,

pep talk over. Go and find me that killer.

Just because I'm alive doesn't mean I'm not a murder victim.

Listen mate, I don't mean to interrupt,

but in this country we drive on the left.

What?

Oh, shit!

Sorry.

Listen, mate, I just want to say thanks for

letting me take the credit for the foot.

The least I could. After the work you done on my shooting.

Operation Blue Finch.

We're a good team. We always were.

You don't even know the half of it.

What d'you mean?

How do you think that foot got on the garbage tip in the first place?

- The killer dumped it there. - Or,

maybe a good friend of yours put it there?

A friend who has access to the morgue,

who can borrow a bit of "evidence" to give

your career a much-needed shot in the ass?

Thanks, John. That's very thoughtful.

Yeah? Cos I was worried you might not be happy.

- Why, what did you think I'd say? - I dunno.

Maybe, something like, "you're a complete dickhead"?

Who tampered with evidence, desecrated a corpse,

wasted police time, and now we're both going to go to prison?

You're pissed at me, aren't ya.

You are. You're pissed

No, I'm pissed OFF. You American twat!

Pissed off!

"Pissed" means drunk,

and I'm stone-cold fucking sober!

- He's real pissed. - What were you thinking?!

I was trying to help.

You wanted to get back on serious crimes!

Not by committing one!

What happens when the DNA comes back,

and it matches a body we've already got?

I thought of that.

We say it's not the same victim,

but twins!

Identical twins have the same DNA!

- Do they? - I don't know, probably.

Oh, fuckin' hell!

We're in deep shit. We need to fix this, and now!

Yeah, yeah, and if anyone can do that, it's us,

and I would honestly love to help, but

I've got this date with Kelly in 20 minutes, so erm ...

You okay walking from here?

I feel like we've been here before.

What, sitting across a table, avoiding a

conversation we know we should have?

No, no, I mean, this restaurant.

Yeah, we have, yeah. It used to be a bit scruffier.

They've done it up, they've, you know, ripped it apart,

and modernized it, so...

Bit like me, then!

I should give you a review on TripAdvisor.

How many stars?

Yes, well, I don’t know that yet, do I?

Oh, I remember we came here...

for your birthday.

You were wasted, I'm surprised they let you back in.

No I was not.

Totally off your face.

You told the waiter he looked like Elton John.

I didn't! I did.

I did! Yeah, but he did. Well, a crap one!

I wonder if he's still here?

Don't go breaking my heart!

No, he's not here.

He's is not here. You're an embarrassment, John.

I'm an embarrassment? I had to carry you home that night!

Hm, that's not like you.

Well, I've been modernized, haven't I?

Answer the phone, you knob.

- What's the problem? - Oh fuck!

This is the problem.

Your science project has gone very horribly wrong.

Does Dennet know about this?

Not until I show her, no.

You are not serious!

Look, I know he's my partner, but he's a police officer.

He's meant to protect the public from people like ...

What are you doing?

Oops! CCTV seems to have vanished.

So? We'll still get caught.

And this time I'm not taking the blame.

OK, think about this, Carver, do the math.

- Maths! - If Dennett finds out,

the whole AI project gets shut down!

Well, maybe it should!

He's shit.

You failed. You should both be fired.

Oh, fired! He's an AI.

You know what happens to artificial things when they pull the plug?

Fuck's sake!

Okay, well that was the photocopier, but you get the point.

- Bullshit. They won't kill him. - Do you want to take that chance?

So yeah, I had some therapy after you...

After you...

Some grief counselling, CBT, that sort of thing.

Actually, I had so much...

that I'm now training to be a counsellor.

I work with police officers, actually.

You go, girl!

I just, you know, want to help people who

have been through the same thing as me.

Not the, "husband coming back from the dead" bit,

not that bit, cos that's weird...that bit...

So are you still working as a realtor?

Estate Agent!?

No, no, God, I gave that up months ago.

I don't know why I didn't do it before.

God, the sense of freedom and release was like, oh my God ...

Obviously tinged with sadness as well.

You've turned your life around, Kel. That's great.

Second chances, eh? That's what it's all about.

So, in a counselling session I might say something like,

have you been experiencing feelings of anger, and you ...

you might say...

- what would you say? - What?

-Anger. - Oh right no, yeah.

Yeah, well, err, I got kind of crabby, at work today.

Good. And - and, how's your concentration?

Is that easier or harder...

you know, since the software update?

How do you know I had a software update?

I think someone mentioned it at the lab when I ...

I don't believe this! You're testing me.

- John ... - Is she here?

Dr. Parfit? She is, isn't she?

- Listening. - Of course she's not listening!

Don't be silly!

I'm gonna phone her later, and tell her what you've said.

- My own wife is a stool pigeon! - What?

I thought this was a date.

I thought you were doing this because you cared.

I do care very deeply about you, John, that's why I'm trying to help you.

By tricking me? Spying on me?

No, Dr. Parfit said that you weren't doing your tests,

and I was worried about you. She needs to know how you are feeling.

If you gave two bits about my feelings, Kelly,

we wouldn’t be here right now!

Fuck!

- The date not go well? - No! It did not go well!

- You saw her foot off? - What? No.

You're making progress then, aren't you!

Why is everyone busting my balls today?

Oi, "Ghost in the Shell." Dennet wants to see you both.

She doesn't sound happy.

Maybe it's something to do with perverting the course of justice.

What do you mean?

I thought you were fixing it? Have you not fixed it!?

What, you mean gone back in time and stopped you from being a dickhead?

Carver, the committee will switch me off!

Can't you take the blame? Again. Last time, I promise.

- No! - For me! Please!

- You said there's no “I” in team. - Turned out there's no "U" in honor.

There is if you fucking spell it properly!

- It's about this foot business. - Oh, uhm, the thing is ma'am,

we think there is a serial killer targeting twins.

- You need to drop the case. - What?

Communication from MI5. The whole thing's been classified.

We're to act like we never found a foot in the first place.

But boss, I mean, that's ...

Pain in the arse, but it can't be helped.

Case closed.

You did this!

You and Parfit. You had my back after all!

We should probably have this bit of the conversation

after we've left the office.

Oh, um, before I forget.

I caught the fly tipper.

- What? - What?

Sorry. Yeah, I forgot to mention it.

A cell phone was recovered from the fly tipping site.

Analysis of the data led me to identify a suspect.

- He's made a full confession. - Excellent work, DI Major!

You're a credit to the force.

- Just doing my doody. - Duty! - DI Carver?”

You could learn a lot from this man.

- Dismissed. - Thank you, boss.

Bell end!

How did you manage to hack into MI5 and send that fake message?

Please! I have been doing that stuff since kindergarten.

Well, you can’t do it for him every time he screws up.

He won't screw up from now on. I've updated the update

and reset the language defaults.

This one really will enhance his cognition... significantly.

... I got shot.

Obernik?

Werbenik?

Helpf me, mein freund!

Yeah, that's fine, yeah, leave him like that! Brilliant!

I'm just ...

Major!

I have got one lead.

You can use it to charge a phone off your head.

Have you been seeing someone?

Yes, I have, John, yeah.

You 'orrible, little, scumbag!

Jesus!

I think he's got a knife.