All language subtitles for Call.Your.Mother.S01E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Come on.
Turn around.

You were one minute away.

How are you six minutes away
now?

Morning.
Who are you yelling at?

I ordered a ride-share
30 minutes ago,

but Christine S.
keeps turning left.

I don't know
what's happening.

You have a very low
passenger rating.

Two out of five stars?!

What'd you do, Jean?

I don't know.
I'm a very good passenger.

I make conversation,
I help with directions,

and I always sit in front

so we can have
a face-to-face conversation

when I talk politics.

Run, Christine S.,
run!

Oh! I think she heard you.
She dropped me.

Where are you
trying to go?

The grocery store.

I asked Freddie to take me,
but he said he had

such a good parking spot,
he didn't want to give it up.

And then I called Jackie
to drive me,

but she said she drove me
three times last week

and her carbon footprint
was getting too big.

Hmm. Look, you've been here
a few weeks now,

and Los Angeles is really not
a town you can be without a car.

I mean, people become afraid
to answer your calls.

I mean, I'm sexually
attracted to you,

and even I don't
pick up sometimes.

Yeah, I live across
the courtyard.

I can hear your phone ring.Ah.

And see you turn
your lights off.

Hmm. Look, don't you have
a job starting soon?

I mean,
what's your plan now?

Oh, I thought you and I
could carpool.

I work from home, Jean.

So we'll drop you off first.

Jean...

it's time.

I remember when you guys
first got your licenses,

and I didn't get to drive you
to school anymore.

I missed our time
together in the car.

Now when I get my own car,

you're gonna miss
your time with me.

The blue one's nice.

Hey, where does she sign?!

Okay,
everybody calm down.

We are not making
any emotional purchases today.

Which is why
I'm doing the talking

when the salesman
gets here.

I worked on a car lot
when I was 18.

I speak their language.

Also, let's not
dance around it,

I'm the best-looking
of the bunch.

Okay, Cookie, we'll
take our cues from you,

but I'm gonna do my part.

These babies still have
a little gas in the tank.

Ugh.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

It means a lot to me
that you guys are here.

You could've been anywhere,
but you're here with me.

Well, actually, Celia's
in Chicago for two days

at an influencer convention,
so I have nothing else to do.

Hmm, actually, I had
three vacation days

that were about to expire,

and Lane told me
we were going to lunch.

Still, you're here with me.
[ Chuckles ]

Hey, wait. If you guys
are alone tonight,

you have to come over
for dinner.

It hasn't been just the three
of us since I came out here.

In fact, it hasn't been
just the three of us

since you guys
were in high school.

Jackie always had
a boyfriend.

And Freddie always had
to bring a friend along

when we went to the lake
for the summer.

Who eventually became
one of Jackie's boyfriends.

I was not prepared
to relive this today.

Okay, Bryce,
this is our customer.

I hope I can trust you
to take care of my girl.

Go ahead Bryce,
you got this.

Well, may I suggest
this model?

It gets excellent gas mileage

and has the highest
safety rating in its class.

Ooh.

[ Chuckles ]

What's that?

Oh, that's your multimedia
infotainment touchscreen.

Oh, so high-tech.

Play Celine Dion!

That's not how it works.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh.

But you can also get it with
an optional sunroof.

[ Gasps ]
Does that cost extra?

Eh...a little.

Translation -- a lot.

That's right,
I speak your language.

I'll just take
the base model.

But not in white because people
can't see you when it snows.

Mom, this is Los Angeles.
It never snows.

Yeah, and white's nice 'cause it
hides the ash from the fires.

Oh, I'll take the white.

I'll track one down
for you

and give you a call
when I have it.

Oh, I-I can't
get it today?

But I start a new job today.
How am I gonna get to work?

I call dibs on taking
Mother Raines to work!

Oh, shoot,
I was gonna offer.

Snooze, you lose, guys.

Good morning, Amy.

I brought you some
first-day donuts.

Oh, thank God.
I almost had a yogurt.

[ Chuckles ]
You're an hour early.

Oh, I went over all
my orientation materials.

I got new binders.

And I'm wearing a lipstick
called "Success."

[ Chuckles ] Are you ready
for your first client?

I've got a client.
I've never had a client.

I'm like a lawyer
or a prostitute.

I've got
a Julia Roberts movie job!

Don't call yourself
a prostitute.

College counseling cannot
take another controversy.

Oh, okay.
Business Amy.

No. Boss Amy.

Got it. Boss Amy.

Your job is to figure out
a kid's strength

and get them into college.

But sometimes kids
have no strengths.

Oh, as a teacher,

I like to think that
all students

have something to offer.

[ Chuckles ]
Counterpoint -- meet Connor.

That's my first client?

I can smell the weed
through the computer.

May-Maybe I should start
with an easy one.

This is an easy one.

You think parents
bring their kids to us

when they're
Harvard material?

You're lucky this
isn't a mug shot.

I believe in you.
You can do this.

Unless you can't do it,
then I'll fire you.

And don't put up
any personal pictures

'cause I don't like looking
at people's children

when I'm canning
their asses.

♪♪♪

-Hi, Mom.
-Hi, guys.

What are you doing here?

You invited us to dinner.

Oh, dinner, right.

Oh, I haven't even
gone to the market yet.

My first day turned out to be
so much more intense

than I thought
it was gonna be.

There are two sides
to Amy.

And today I met Boss Amy.
She doesn't play.

Or give bathroom breaks.

If you have a lot
of work to do,

we don't have to
do this tonight.

Yeah, we could totally
do it next weekend

when Celia's back in town.

Oh, God, no!
[ Chuckles ]

I do have a lot of work,
but I can multitask.

I'll be fine.

Okay.
Should we just order in?

Order in
for Family Dinner?

[ Scoffs ]
Who am I, Aunt Kim?

Why don't we just go to
Hometown Buffet for Thanksgiving

and get a plastic Christmas tree
while we're at it?

Are we a family
or are we from New York?

Okay, Mom. We know.
We'll let you cook.

Oh, good.
How about my curried chicken?

I do love
your curried chicken.

I-I just need to borrow
a few ingredients from Danny.

How about I make my brownies
for dessert?

Freddie, it's your turn
to be my taste tester.

[ Gasps ]
Ooh, taste tester?

I don't think I've been
taste tester since high school.

If you don't want
to do it, I --

She just said
it was my turn.

Okay, well, if he gets the bowl,
I get the spoon.

Oh, yeah,
you get the spoon.

How else am I supposed to
get the batter out of the bowl,

you idiot?!

Uh, I don't know,
use your fingers, turd.

Oh, my babies are home.

♪♪♪

[ Knocks on door ]

I don't need a ride.

Oh.

Hey, how's
the career woman?

Oh, spread a little thin.
Ah.

I've got about six hours
of research to do tonight,

but right now, I've got
my babies all to myself,

and I'm gonna
make them dinner.

Can I borrow
a few odds and ends?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I need
three chicken breasts,

an onion,
a bag of frozen peas,

anything that might go
into a salad,

and a can of coconut milk.

So all you have
is a flame and a pan?

Oh, I also need a pan.

Why don't you just
order in?

Because I'm not Aunt Kim.

I cook for Family Dinners,
and I know my drink limit.

And it's never
just the three of us.

And who knows when it's gonna
be just the three of us again.

Hmm.

There are boyfriends
and girlfriends,

and pretty soon there's
gonna be families and in-laws.

And this gives me a chance
to get a taste

of what it used to be...

Hmm.

...when they'd come home
for winter break

and I'd buy
all their favorite snacks

and put their towels in
the dryer

so they'd be toasty when
they got out of the shower.

Oh, wow.
I wish you were my mom.

Our thing
is complicated enough.

Yeah, I heard it.

Besides, this is what
I came to L.A. for --

to have quality time
with my kids.

Look, I know what you mean.

I mean, when my daughter
was little,

I used to take her to ride
the ponies at Griffith Park.

I used to have to hold
the reins for her.

Then she made me
let go of the reins.

Then she made a go
at the Jet Ski,

and the pony and I
were both out.

Jean, every parent wishes
they could go backwards.

Just --
Just don't be surprised

if you find you can't recapture
the magic of your memories.

Your kids are grown-ups.

♪♪♪

Mom, Freddie's brownie's
bigger than mine!

Cow bite!

Ow!

[ Buzzer sounds ]

Oh, Freddie,
that's your last load.

I can't believe you made Mom
do your laundry.

I didn't make her.

I just mentioned that
it was in my car

and that I don't have
any more clean clothes

and that my laundromat's
in a bad neighborhood.

I can't help that
she wanted to do it.

Oh, I love hanging
with you guys.

This has been
the best night.

I mean, I love Lane,
and Celia's...

in your life,
but I miss just us.

Okay, well, then
let's keep it going!

[ Singsong voice ]
Movie night.

Ooh, yeah!

But I get to pick 'cause
Freddie licked the bowl.

He licks, I pick --
That's the rules.

And I pick "The Sandlot."Yes!

-"You're killing me, Smalls!"
-"You're killing me, Smalls!"

Oh...okay...

It's still early.

I guess I can get
my work done later.

I'm kind of
a night owl anyway.

I stayed up until
the double-digits

three times last week.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Please don't be dead.

Oh, thank God.
[ Chuckles ]

What are you doing here?

I'm here to take you
to work.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God. Work.

[ Gasps ]
I didn't do anything!

[ Gasps ]
That damn "Sandlot!"

It always puts me to sleep.

I've never made it
to the end of it.

Just tell me, do they
ever get the ball back?

No, no, no, don't tell me.

I can't tell you.
I've never seen it.

What?
It's a classic.

How have you never seen it?

You've never seen it.

Mother Raines,
what are we doing?

Don't you have to
get to work?

I do.

Oh, gosh, I don't
know what's happening.

This is so unlike me.

Oversleeping,
late for work,

I didn't do my homework.

Who am I kidding?
I'm not Julia Roberts.

I'm Eric Roberts.

I can't go to work
like this.

You'll be fine. We just have to,
um, smooth out your dress...

Yeah.
...and, um,

fluff up your hair...

and, uh, get you
some shoes.

-Okay.
-You need some shoes.

Okay.
Okay, oh, gosh.

[ Grunts ]

♪♪♪

So, Connor, obviously
I've been going over

your transcript
and test scores

and...court-ordered
community service?

And they are all here.

But let's look past
the folder.

Why don't you tell me,
in your own words,

what you think
you have to offer?

Isn't that your job?

That's right, Jean.
That is your job.

Why don't you tell Connor
a little bit about

the college application
process?

Well, based on
my extensive reading,

the college application process
is a lot like the...

the...

the movie "The Sandlot."

And, um, college
is a lot like an...

autographed baseball.

It's more valuable to some
people than to others.

And then...

A giant dog destroys it?

He does?!

The stepfather's
gonna be furious.

Tell you what, Connor,
how about you take this money

and get some Doritos
out the vending machine

and we're gonna reschedule,
okay?

Chips.

I'm sorry.
This is so not like me.

I meant to get up early
and study Connor's file.

I got carried away
with my kids last night.

I-I have never slept through
an alarm in my life.

I've never had a boss look at me
the way you're looking at me.

Don't look at me.

Look, maybe I made
a mistake hiring you.

You didn't! I swear.
It's just a lot to balance.

Work and children.

But I believe women
can have it all.

Look, Jean, I know
I'm a good time,

which may give you
the impression

that I don't care,

but I'm trying to make something
of this place.

It's important to me.

It's important to me, too.

I've just put a non-refundable
down payment a brand-new car.

Boss Amy doesn't care.

Oh, of course not.
I'm sorry I let you down.

I won't do it again.

Okay, I'm ready.
You can look at me.

Nope, I was wrong.
I'm not ready.

I'm gonna look away
from you now.

Yay, Mom's home!

Ooh, outfit so nice,
you wore it twice.

[ Sighs ] What are you guys
doing here?

We felt bad you did
all the work last night,

so we brought ingredients
so you can make us lasagna.

I left the receipt
on the table.

Oh, guys, I really don't think
I can do dinner tonight.

I've got to get to my work.
Boss Amy was super mad.

And I don't think Friend Amy
works there anymore.

Oh, so you don't want to
play Monopoly with us?

Aunt Kim always plays
Monopoly with us.

Set it up.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Insects chirping ]

Hey!

What are you doing?
It's 2:00 a.m.

I thought you were a burglar
or a blond raccoon.

No.
I'm a night owl.

What?

[ Quietly ]
I almost got fired.

I didn't get my work done
last night.

And then the kids came over
again tonight

and tricked me into
playing board games.

Now they're asleep inside, and I
didn't want to wake them up.

Want to go look at them?
They're ridiculously cute.

I'm good.

Jean,
you almost got fired?

Yeah, it's okay.
I'm doing my reading now.

Hey, I think it might be time

to set up some boundaries
with your kids.

But I don't want boundaries
with my babies.

Your babies have jobs
and lovers

and pay quarterly
estimated taxes.

You're all seriously
regressing.

It's not healthy
for any of you.

I don't care. I want to
regress all the way back

to when they were
inside of me.

Oh, sorry. I said I want
to regress all the way back

to when they were
inside of me.

I can still hear you
in the dark.

Jean, it -- it feels like

you might be part
of the problem.

And they're taking
advantage of you.

Have you never read
"The Giving Tree?"

All that's gonna be left
of you is a stump.

And they'll come by
and sit on me every day.

That was its life's purpose.
It's a happy book.

Doesn't that bother you that,
after such a terrible day,

your kids still expect you
to play games?

No. It's fine.

I don't matter.
I'm just the mom.

I have to take
what they give me.

Aw, stumpy...

♪♪♪

Hey, good for you!
You're awake.

Oh...same outfit.

Uh, twice was
a cry for help,

but three times
might be a statement.

I've been up all night
doing my homework.

But I got it all done.

I had a great
Family Game Night.

I got Park Place.

A woman really can have it all.

Are we in the car yet?

No, not yet,
Mother Raines.

But, uh,
let's get you to work.

Maybe -- Maybe run
my fingers through your...

Not gonna happen.
Never mind.

I'll let you stick your head out
of the window on the way in.

It'll be nature's blowout.

Want to hear my plan
for Connor?

I want to hear your plan
for you.

♪♪♪

Are you about
finished there, Connor?

That form is just for me,

a way of getting a sense
of where you'd like to apply.

You didn't fill anything out.

This is just
a bunch of doodles.

What's that supposed
to be, a tree?

Turn it over.

Oh, Connor.

You've been sitting there
for 30 minutes.

Well, yeah,
that's why it's so detailed.

Are we done?

No, we're not done.

Not even close.

Why aren't you
taking this seriously?

Everyone is here for you.

Your parents are spending
thousands of dollars

on a college counselor.

I was up all night, and you're
contributing nothing.

Can you just take care
of this?

No, Connor, I will not
"just take care of this."

I asked you to do one thing,
and you act like it's too much.

All you had to do was
circle the schools

that you were interested
in applying to.

I'm sick of you expecting me
to do everything.

So?

So, you're not a child!

You can contribute.

I just asked you
to fill out some forms,

but you don't fill out forms,

you don't ask questions
about schools,

you don't inquire
about scholarships.

I did not move here
from Iowa for this!

But you know what?

It's my fault.

I created this.

I give and I give
and I give.

Does anybody care?

Does anybody
ask about myday?

Of course not.
Because I don't matter.

Because I'm just a stump.

[ Sighs ]

H-How was your day?

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Connor.

I-I-I kind of thought
the University of Oregon

looked cool.
Really?

We could get you
into Oregon.

Yeah. And, if you have
another one of these forms,

I can fill it out
without the...

tree-nis.

♪♪♪

-Hey, Mom.
-Hi, Mom.

Don't you "Hey, Mom" me.

Oh.
Hey, Lane.

Are you cooking us
dinner tonight?

Where's Mom?

[ Gasps ] Is she
going to the store?

I need Q-tips.

You didn't see her sleeping
in my car in the driveway?

Don't worry,
I cracked a window.

Because I care.
Unlike you two ingrates.

[ Scoffs ]
What's your problem?

We just came over to
let Mom make us dinner.

And I found more laundry
for her to do.

[ Scoffs ]
You guys are amazing.

And of course, she'd just

cook your dinner
and do your laundry.

Because she'd do anything
for you.

And you'd let her
without even noticing

she's falling apart.

Like, look at this place!

You should see her.
You should smell her.

I had to tuck my hanging
pine tree in her armpit.

And I didn't crack the window
for her safety.

I cracked it for the resale
value of my Prius.

What is this about?

You!

All you do
is take and take.

You need to be nicer
to your mom.

I-I don't know
where you're getting that.

From her.

When I talk to her
and I ask her,

"How are you?
How was work today?"

You know, when I'm driving her
to work and back,

which is the least I can do
after all she's done for me.

I mean, after all,
she did raise me.

Oh, wait.
No, she didn't.

That's you.

So, why am I the one
driving her to work?

Okay, I feel like you're
trying to make us feel bad.

I'm definitely trying
to make you feel bad.

Why?

We're just doing what
we've always done.

My mom lives
for this stuff.

She toasts
Freddie's underwear.

Like "Here's to
Freddie's underwear?"

No, she puts it on air fluff
for 10 minutes

so it's nice and warm.

Why don't you do something
for your mom?

Clean this place up.

I'm going to run her through the
car wash before she wakes up.

[ Door closes ]

Is Lane our new dad?

♪♪♪

Thanks for coming with me,
you guys.

I invited the kids,
but Freddie's busy with Celia

and Jackie's back at work.

[ Voice breaking ]
They're done with me.

You're gonna be okay.
Boundaries are good for you.

Your new ride's
gonna cheer you up.

-Ta-da!
-Ta-da! [ Laughs ]

What?!
What are you guys doing here?

We wanted to surprise you.

I hope you like
your gift, Mom.

It's from us.

What? No.

You bought me the car?
It's too much!

My babies bought me
a car!

Your babies bought you
a car!

No, no, no, no.
We didn't!

We didn't buy the car.
We paid for the sunrooooof!

Yeah, Mom, look.
'Cause if you notice,

the bow's on the car,
but it's mostly on the sunroof.

The sunroof, yeah.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Oh.

Well,
it's still very nice.

I mean, a huge letdown
after you think

you got a whole car from them,
but, uh, still.

It's -- It's -- It's --
It's -- It's nice.

-I love it.
-[ Chuckles ]

It's my own sunroof.
So glamorous.

Yeah, it's been brought
to our attention

that we've sort of been
acting like infants.

Yeah, and we wanted to do
something nice for you

for a change to say thank you
for, you know, everything.

Aww...
It's perfect.

I love you guys.

Let's see.

Door open!

Unlock?

[ Chuckles ]
Mom...

Oh, thank you.
Tired.

Door open!

[ Alarm honking ]Oh!

Gosh.

Shh! Quiet!

Quiet! Shh!

Hey, Connor's parents called.

Oh, no.
I just bought a new car.

No, they're happy
with his progress.

And I'm not sure why this
is a compliment

that needs to be said,
but good job

on changing your clothes
today, mm.

If you let me come back
tomorrow, I'll do it again.

I'm looking forward
to working with you.

And you can put a picture up
at your desk, but just one.

And no babies.
Babies creep me out.

Got it.
I'll bring one from home.

Ohh.

[ Sighs ]

[ Alarm sounding ]Oh, God!

Oh, God! Ohh...

Stop! Shh!

[ Alarm continues ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪