Original subtitles

[keyboard keys clicking]

Damn it.

This computer sucks.

Clear your browser history. I'm back.

I can't even get online.

Why would it say, "full bars," but then I don't--

What's that?

It is a belated birthday present from Gina.

It's a journal with a lock on it

so I can write down my innermost, private thoughts.

Oh, sounds interesting.

Hey, what's the password to your computer, Anne Frank?

I'll do it.

Okay.

[keyboard keys clicking]

Here you go.

Thanks.

Why didn't you just tell me the password?

'Cause you can't be trusted.

Are you kidding me?

I'm the most honest guy I know.

Hello?

[laughs]

What are you writing in there?

None of your business.

Let me see what you're writing in there.

It's none of your business!

- Good night. - Hey.

Seriously, let me see what you're writing in there, Karen.

Karen, I'm just gonna ask you one more time.

Can't talk, sleeping.

[snoring sounds]

I don't care.

[Zeus' You Gotta Teller]

[upbeat rock music]

*

(man) * You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

Yeah!

(man) * You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

[skates scraping]

Seriously, I'm gonna smack you.

(Anthony) What's up, boys?

Check this puppy out.

What the hell is that?

It's new yard signs to advertise the contracting business.

Look at my beautiful face all season now.

Uh, where's your number?

Oh, shit! The [bleep] number.

You're a moron, man.

Damn it.

Yo, I'm going to pay Vito tomorrow. You want to come with me?

We'll go to Gibby's clam house after?

I can't, man.

What's up? Shit's going down at work?

Nah, it's not work. It's just Karen, dude.

Something's up.

What happened with Karen?

I asked for her computer password last night.

She wouldn't give it to me.

And then she started writing secret stuff

in this new journal.

What kind of secrets? What do you mean?

I don't know. I didn't read it.

You didn't read it? Why the hell not?

'Cause that'd be a huge breach of trust, bro.

Yeah, it's a breach of trust.

And there was a lock on it.

A lock? Are you serious, dude?

Well, shit. You have to read it now.

I mean, you could just go to a locksmith.

Look, maybe it's nothing.

But I'd rather be safe than sorry, no?

Listen, I'm not gonna read the diary.

I'm a bigger man than that.

Okay, but you know that "bigger man"

just usually means "pussy"?

- No, it doesn't. - It absolutely does.

Sorry, Paul, "bigger man" is the new "pussy."

Hi, I was wondering if you could kind of help me out

with something here.

I seem to have misplaced the key for this.

It's a family heirloom.

Mm-hmm.

It's my grandma's from before the war, so...

Yeah, what war?

The, uh, battle of the sexes?

Lot of bloodshed in that war.

Listen, you sure you want to do this, man?

I mean, uh, it's a pretty major breach of trust.

So I've been told.

But clearly, she doesn't trust me anyway, so...

Can't say I blame her.

Would you trust you?

Look, I'm okay with a few secrets here or there.

Just don't flaunt it.

She sits next to me chuckling when she writes in this thing.

Well, maybe she's a closet satirist,

or maybe there's a Gone Girl situation.

Can you just open the damn thing?

Is that okay?

- Absolutely. - Good, thank you.

That'll be $50.

Wow, that's a little steep, no?

Well, only you can determine the value

of your own insecurity.

Fine.

Here you go.

Cash.

It says you take credit cards right on the door.

Not from you.

Okay.

That's it? A bobby pin?

Yeah. You can keep it.

"Kathy is hilarious when she drinks tequila.

"Drinking really does improve some people's personalities.

"Sex with Paul is good, but...

"I wish he'd experiment a little.

"Things have gotten monotonous over the years.

"I mean, would it be asking too much for him

"to put his finger in my"--

It's my grandma.

It's from the war.

I want what I want!

I'm telling you, Gibby's is the best clam house

in the city.

I mean, Dino, wouldn't you say that?

Shut the [bleep] up.

[laughs] Dino, you are the freaking best.

This guy's hilarious.

I don't like you.

He likes me.

(Vito) Not an ostrich, an emu.

Yes, there is a goddamn difference.

How much?

All right, I'll take the ostrich.

Gentlemen.

Hey, how you doing, Vito?

This is my friend Sebalos. He's on The Chubbys too.

Nice to meet you.

You look like a sneaky little fella.

I bet you score a lot of goals.

Yeah, I guess.

You look tense, kid.

Relax.

You should feel at home here.

You want to fold some sheets?

No, I'm good.

Well, I got the money for you, Vito, so...

Throw it in the ice box.

This right--right there? All right.

Need you guys to do me a favor.

Bring these linens over to my rub and tug joint.

The Kerry Orient Foot Massage Palace.

Just over on Canal.

I'll throw in a massage on the house.

All you got to do is tip the girls.

Yeah.

You're gonna love it.

But your buddy here looks like he really needs a release.

You know, it's kind of like meditation and yoga.

Only it's a hand job.

Enjoy.

Thanks, Vito.

Goddamn ostrich.

[upbeat rock music]

*

(Anthony) Hey, how you doing?

Vito sent us over.

Oh, yeah, he called ahead.

No house fee for you guys.

But you got to tip the girls.

- Yeah, got it. - Yeah.

So you leave the sheets over there.

Take a seat.

I'll be right back.

Tell you what, if they're all missing an eye,

I'm leaving.

I'm not getting whacked off by a pirate.

This is weird, man.

(Randy) Whoa.

That is no pirate.

Milady.

Thank you.

Thank you.

(Anthony) Have fun, man.

Hey, uh, I'm Anthony.

Hello, Officer.

Officer?

I'm here for the massage. Vito sent me.

I don't care if Jesus sent you.

The last time a fine-ass white boy like you came in,

he turned out to be po-po.

And I ain't going back inside.

Don't nobody jack off this fine-ass cop.

Are you serious? Come on!

Please?

Oh, God, yeah.

You know, for a white kid, failing is getting an F.

For a Chinese kid, getting a B-plus

is like a suicide note.

I thought you were Japanese.

Oh, God, no.

And Chinese people are way smarter.

- Really? - Yeah.

Why is that?

'Cause we weren't dumb enough to piss off America

to drop a bomb on us.

I haven't been keeping up with the news.

Did we drop a bomb on Japan?

Oh, no, in 1945.

I know. I'm just kidding.

[both laugh]

Kind of. You're really smart.

Thanks.

Hey, you from around here?

Yeah, I just moved back in with my parents.

Oh.

I was living in Philly with my sister,

but all we did was get high.

Nice.

Yeah.

But there comes a time when you have

to be responsible, you know?

I guess.

So I moved back home to go on the straight and narrow.

This is the straight and narrow?

Well, most of the time.

Some of the guys' dicks are really fat and crooked.

You want to flip over and I'll give you a release?

I'm, um--I think I'm good.

Maybe next time?

Really?

Wow, no one's ever said no to that part before.

Is everything okay?

Did you, like, sprain your penis or something?

Actually, Angie, this is the best I've felt in a long time.

Good.

(Anthony) Hey, thanks for doing this.

Other girls were being real bitches.

No biggie.

I jerk off cops all the time.

Yeah?

Got to be a tense job 'cause you guys

shoot up like a cannon.

That's how I got this eye patch.

By the way, you know the second I grabbed your dick,

it was entrapment, right?

Listen, just--just entrap my left nut, okay?

Twist it counterclockwise.

No, no, counter! Counterclockwise.

Yeah, that's it.

[groans]

[funky music]

*

Hello!

What's up?

Uh, that was a new move. What was that?

Oh, I was actually aiming somewhere else with--

My finger must have slipped.

I'm sorry, should I stop? I'll stop.

I didn't tell you to stop.

[groaning]

I was surprised to see you back here so soon.

Oh, yeah, I was around the area.

I thought I'd pop in, see if you were around,

say hi.

You're lucky you found me.

I'm only here part-time.

Oh, yeah?

Just Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

And Thursday and Friday.

Plus some weekends.

I'm glad I caught you.

Me too.

So tell me more about the app thing.

Oh, I call it Tender.

It's like Tinder, but no one's feelings get hurt.

That sounds so cool.

You should start selling it.

I know; I just need a programmer to build it.

I don't know shit about computers.

Even though, you know, I am Asian

and work with computers.

What does being Asian have to do with anything?

Oh, my God, exactly.

You're so open-minded and pure.

That's a compliment, right?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, Angie?

I was wondering.

Would you want to go have lunch with me tomorrow?

[whispering] That's kind of against the rules.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

But I'd love to.

And my real name is Gretchen.

Wow, really?

Gretchen.

Why are you whispering?

Oh, 'cause you were whispering.

[normal voice] No, I wasn't. You're so crazy.

So you want to flip over and I'll finish you off?

Oh, actually-- actually, um,

I was thinking that you could take off your clothes

and I could give you a massage.

Oh, really? That's interesting.

Is that against the rules?

No, it just costs extra

for me to take off my clothes.

Oh, okay, how much--

Oh, okay, whatever it is.

(Paul) So I did what you guys said.

What, you started powdering your balls?

It's a total game-changer, right?

I use Lady Speed Stick.

I know that it's counterintuitive,

but it does wonders for me.

Yeah? You guys done or what?

Yeah.

No, I read Karen's journal.

- Whoa! - Oh, shit!

What'd you find out?

I can't go into details, but--

Please go into details.

Don't touch me. Don't touch me!

All I'll say is this: it was very helpful.

Last night was--it was amazing.

Oh, you got to be careful, Paul.

Oh, I got to be careful.

This guy's falling in love with a chick

who gives handies for a living,

but I got to be careful.

- Okay. - Dude, he's right.

Ah, screw you.

You got jerked off by Jack Sparrow's mom.

Bro, that one-eyed bitch was an artist.

I seriously almost hit the ceiling.

It was like my dick was back in high school.

Oh, I miss my high school dick.

I'm gonna go to that place.

(Anthony) Bro, that's a stank, stank job.

I mean, you can't be serious about this girl.

I don't care what she does.

I care about who she is as a person.

You are the gayest guy I know who actually chases pussy.

- Yup. - No, I'm good.

Bro, let me ask you this.

How much money have you given this broad so far?

Eh.

And you haven't even scored a hand job for yourself.

Shit, you gave her one.

Based off these conversations, she might be a crayon eater.

I don't care what you guys think.

This could be the real thing.

She told me her real name, Gretchen.

Now, hold on, is this her real name,

or, like, her fake real name that she tells

sad Chinese boys to make them feel special?

Joke all you want, guys.

We got a real connection going.

A connection?

Yeah, it's called cash, Sebalos, all right?

That's how whores connect with lonely degenerates like you.

You guys are assholes.

And it's 80 bucks, by the way.

- 80 bucks? - Jesus.

You are getting ripped off.

Where is this place? I want her name.

- You are not going. - Give me her name.

And I don't want her bullshit real name.

I want her hand job name.

- I bet she'd do me for 60. - Oh, yeah.

I'm just breaking his balls.

I'm totally going with the one-eyed bitch.

Yeah.

Hey, babe. I made coffee.

You take milk, right?

(Karen) How long have we been married?

Yep, yep.

Okay.

"Work is a pain in the ass. Andy is annoying."

Work crap, work crap, work crap.

"Great sex with Paul. He's really raising his game."

[laughs]

"It felt so good, but I feel guilty.

"While we were having sex, I couldn't stop

thinking about Anthony."

Anthony?

"I've had such a crush on Anthony for so long,

"I don't know what to do.

"He's so hot. What am I saying?

Enough with this for now."

Holy shit!

This place is so cool.

Yeah.

I used to come here a lot as a kid.

Me and my friends used to bury dead birds over there.

Cool.

How does the beer in your trunk stay so cold?

Oh, I have a cooler in the trunk.

I always have beers ready to go.

Before hockey games, after movies,

when the bar closes.

Wow, trunks are refrigerators?

No, I just put ice in the cooler.

[giggles]

You're not like other guys.

You're like a really sweet scientist.

You know, when it gets warmer, we should go to the beach.

I go to the beach a lot in the summers

'cause I'm off, you know?

I work in the school system.

Head of the IT department.

Washington High School, go, Ants!

I like ants.

That sounds important. What does IT stand for?

Information technology.

No, it doesn't.

Yeah, it does-- it does, right?

I don't know.

Anyway, you're right about it sounding important, though.

'Cause when the school Wi-Fi goes down,

I'm the one the principal calls.

He's got an online poker addiction.

I used to be addicted to something.

But it wasn't as messed up as online poker.

What was it, if you don't mind me asking?

Oxy.

Okay. Wow.

Well, I'm glad you're better now.

You're really sweet.

You're really sweet too.

What are you doing?

I thought you wanted me to.

I'm so sorry, Gretchen.

Gretchen? Why did you call me Gretchen?

You told me that was your name.

No, I didn't.

Okay, I'm pretty sure you did.

Well, I guess we'll have to agree to mis-agree.

Anyway, I can't kiss you. I have a boyfriend.

A boyfriend? Since when?

Since, like, forever.

Why did you come here with me, then?

Because you invited me to lunch

and I thought it would be fun.

And it's free.

Okay, how do you have a boyfriend

when you give hand jobs?

Because that's my job.

That's why I don't give hand jobs to my boyfriend.

Just mouth parties and vagina vacations.

But I'll give you a hand job if it'll make you feel better.

Actually, I could really use one right now.

Great. It's 80 bucks.

[sighs]

Yo, buddy.

What's up, bro?

Not much.

Dude, I did not think I was gonna

make it here in time.

I met some girl at the dog park,

took her back to my place, banged the shit out of her.

Cool. I'm sure her father's proud.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

She's a cool chick.

I mean, you know, like, a little prim and proper

at first, you know, but then The Doctor got her

to let her hair down.

Girls just want to let their hair down around me.

- Way to go, Doctor. - You like that?

I told you, like, Dr. Love, I'm thinking.

Or, wait a minute, what about, Love Doctor?

Dr. Love?

What about, um, Dr. Bangin'?

You like Dr. Bangin'?

Very original.

Forget Doctor.

What about the Sultan of Bangin'?

That's--Paulie, you think they got hockey

in the Middle East?

[upbeat rock music]

*

Well, that was humiliating.

Perfect end to my day.

Bro, I'm open all game.

One pass would've been nice. One.

Hey, calm down, hotshot, all right?

You go out there with your hot little moves

thinking you're hot shit.

You're not, you know that?

You should try passing the puck to us

every once in a while.

What are you talking about?

And why do you keep saying "hot"?

It's, like, weird.

Come here.

I realize I'm taking something out on you

that's not exactly your fault.

Okay.

I read Karen's journal again.

She said the other night, when we were having sex,

she was thinking about you.

Whoa! Oh, my God.

[laughter]

Karen was thinking about Anthony

when she was banging Paul.

What do you want, dude? Bone struct--

I can't help it. Chicks dig me.

Chicks dig me.

You can all go to hell, you know that?

Here, cut my face out. Wear it as a mask.

Problem solved. There you go.

Perfect, it's easy.

[laughs]

Could be a lot worse, Paul.

- Worse? - Yeah.

How?

Well, today I struck out with a baffled whore

who gives hand jobs for a living.

Normally, that would make me feel better.

Not today.

[upbeat rock music]

*

What's wrong, honey?

I have a new entry in my journal.

Maybe that'll cheer you up.

What are you talking about?

You're not smart enough to play dumb, Paul.

I know you read my journal.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

How did you know?

I knew the second your finger

slipped into uncharted waters.

I made up the whole thing about Anthony

to teach you a lesson.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God, thank God.

You know what? I deserved it.

I should've never read your journal,

and I promise I'll never do it again.

I mean, I know you won't, 'cause if you do,

I'm just gonna have to blow every guy on your hockey team.

- Even Dickie? - Even Dickie.

I want Dickie to film it and direct it.

It's gonna be like a three-camera shoot.

Oh, God, you're gonna give me nightmares.

I get the point.

You better, seriously.

Oh, my God.

I need you to respect my privacy.

Our relationship is built on mutual trust.

I promise I'll always respect your privacy.

Thank you.

I love you, you know that?

Mm-hmm.

Fake journal entries aside, you didn't ever

fantasize about Anthony, did you?

I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.

That doesn't seem fair.

That doesn't seem fair?

What about mutual trust?

Mutual trust means we both just have to trust me.

Good night.

Can I have your computer password now?

Absolutely not.

Are you close?

I don't know.

Feels really good, though.

Keep doing what you're doing.

You know, if this goes longer than 30 minutes,

you owe me another 60.

[chuckles]

Keep the meter running. I could go all night.

Are you on any medications?

Yeah, Adipex, ExtenZe, and Viagra.

Plus beer and cocaine.

Are you up for this?

Want me to call in a reliever?

Nah, nah, I can handle it.

I skipped yoga today.

I could use the workout.

[humming]