All language subtitles for Benders.S01E04_English

- [muffled] You find something?

- Still deciding.

- Come on.

You're supposed to be
looking up porn.

- This is my porn.

I'm sorry, but the sale
ends at midnight.

There, I'm done.

- Oh, God.

- Hey, don't be mad.

I'm kind of achy.
I can't get into it tonight.

- Look, I'm not feeling
great either,

but that didn't
affect my game.

- How about I take care of you
while you watch porn?

- Honestly, I don't think
I'm in the mood anymore.

Think I'm gonna watch
some hockey scores.

- Do it.

- Ovechkin had
a hell of a game tonight.

Scored two goals.

Oh, God--he's just
so talented for his size.

[panting]
Oh, God.

[dull thumping]

Hey, what's wrong?
- Unbelievable.

- What?

- Somebody up there
just got on a treadmill.

- Yeah, so what?

- Who works out
in the middle of the night?

You have to go up and tell
whoever it is

to turn the treadmill off.

- They'll probably stop
in a little while.

- Tell them to stop now.

- What if I go upstairs
and it's a really hot chick

and she's sweaty?

- Then bang her into stopping,
if you have to.

Go!

[treadmill whirring]

[whirring stops]

- Hey.
Paul Rosenberg.

Me and my wife and my kid,
we live downstairs.

We're your neighbors.

- It's late.
What do you want?

- Well, we're just trying
to get some sleep.

And I guess your treadmill
is right above our room.

- So?

- So I was wondering
if you could knock it off.

- Knock it off?

- Yeah, just for tonight.

- Yeah, why don't you
get out of here, you pussy,

before I break you in half?

[treadmill whirring,
dull thumping]

- Nice work.

[Zeus' "You Gotta Teller"]

[upbeat rock music]

*

- * You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

- Yeah!

- * You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

[skates scraping]

- What happened to your face?

Is that--
- Chicken pox!

- I thought you had it
as a kid.

- Yeah, but apparently
you can get it twice.

I've been looking it up
on my phone all morning.

- How did you get it?

- Played a team
a couple weeks ago,

and the center had pock marks
all over his face.

We just thought he was ugly.

Turns out, it's chicken pox.

Anthony has it.
Sebalos has it.

It's just passing
from player to player

like the mumps outbreak
in the NHL.

- Except shitty players
get a shittier illness.

Yeah, you're right.
It's chicken pox.

- I just told you
I looked it up.

Why'd you have
to look it up again?

- Ugh, just stay
away from me.

I don't feel well as it is.

You gave me chicken pox.

- I don't see a single
pox on you.

- That's because they're
in a very, very bad place.

- All right.
Declan's at my parents'.

They said that he can stay
as long as we want.

- Great.

- Guess it's just me and you
for a few days.

- Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- TV.
- Sex.

- I'm closed for business
down there, remember?

- Yeah, I just thought
that maybe there'd be

some way to--

- There's not.

- Okay. Yeah.

- Let's pick a show...
- Mm-hmm.

- And watch
an entire season today.

We can see
what's on demand.

- Yay.

- "Downton Abbey."

- "Walking Dead."
- "Scandal."

- "Sons of Anarchy,"
that's a good one.

- No.
- Okay.

- "Girls."

- Is there nudity in "Girls"?
- Oh, yeah.

- Bingo.
This'll be fun.

[doorbell rings]

- Okay, I'll get it.
I'll get it.

- Yo, Paulie!

What's up, bro?

- What's up?

What are you doing here?

- My mother said I had to go

before I got her and Dad sick.

She's boiling my sheets
right now.

- So?

- So I'm gonna crash here
with you guys.

We'll be quarantine buddies.

Excuse me.

Your breath is atrocious.
Jesus Christ.

- Who works at work anymore?
- OMG.

- There is
a silver lining here.

I was supposed to go
pay Vito today.

But I called him and said
I had chicken pox.

Guy's not gonna want
to see me for a while.

[chuckles]
Seriously, what is this?

"Girls," bro?

You're really gonna
watch this shit?

- If you don't like it,
you can go home...

to your parents' house.

- Hey, I pay rent.

- They must be really proud.

- They are.

- Anyone who thinks
"The Sopranos"

is an offensive
Italian-American stereotype

should meet your family.

[doorbell rings]

- I'll get it.

- [belches]

- Dude, you should be
at home in bed right now.

- [groans]

- Oh, Shitski!

- Dickie, what are you
doing here?

- Door wasn't locked.

And I heard about
the chicken pox party.

Oh, awesome, "Girls"!

- You watch this show?
- Yeah.

This is the one where you get
to see the fat chick pee.

- I can't believe we're missing
the game tonight.

- Oh, dude, they're gonna
get killed without us.

- Probably not.

We're undefeated
when you miss a game.

- Bullshit.

- No, it's true.

- One time, we kept
the win streak going

by emailing you
a fake schedule.

- That's not cool at all.

Oh, check it out.
She's gonna pee soon.

Hey, after this,
we should watch the one

where the hot chick
gets her ass munched.

- Yes, Shitski!

- Hey, I'm sorry.

- Dude, you have
nothing in here.

- Oh, bologna, dibs.

- Hey, put it back.
That's Declan's.

Declan loves bologna.

- I mean, look at this.

Feta crumbles,
low-fat margarine,

low-fat cream cheese.

What am I, at my fat-ass
Aunt Sylvia's house?

- It's healthier, okay?

- Yeah, that's what they
want you to think.

Read the labels.
It's all chemicals.

- Plus, it tastes like ass.

Anthony and Randy:
You would know.

- You guys
are such dickheads.

Peanut butter's
not bad.

- What is wrong with you?

- I'm hungry!

- Shitski, drop the puck.

[dramatic orchestral music]

*

[all screaming]

*

[all screaming]

- What the--

[loud thud and scream]

[scoffs]

*

[glass shatters]

Who's paying for that?

- Are the ones down there,
like, the same as--

'Cause that one's kind of cute.

- [retching]

*

- What is that?

- Well, to prevent the scarring,
I'm applying calamine lotion.

Got to preserve
this beautiful face.

I would give some to you,
but it's like the equivalent

of scraping flies
off dog shit.

- Hey, I'd like to order
four large pies, please.

One meatball, one sausage,
one pepperoni--

No, no, it's not a party.

Just a bunch of us
have chicken pox

and we're all quarantined.

Yeah, I can hold.

- Dude, don't order pizza.

I need to eat something bland.

- You shouldn't eat anything.
You're feverish.

- No, my fever broke
when I puked, man.

Come on, I'm hungry.

- Will you just stop being
so freaking selfish

and eat pepperoni?

- You kidding me?
All right.

They won't deliver.
- Why the hell not?

- They said they can't risk
the delivery guy

getting chicken pox and bringing
it back to the restaurant.

- This is bullshit.
We don't have Ebola.

- Sebalos may have Ebola.

- Yo, Paul, this is
totally off topic,

but why is Karen being so--
no offense--bitch-like?

- Don't ever call
my wife a bitch.

- Okay,
I said "bitch-like."

- Don't ever call her
that either.

She's sick.

- We're all sick.

- Yeah, but for her,
it's like she's sick

and there's also
a home invasion going on.

Because you guys are here.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, got it.

- Plus, we were up
half the night

because the guy upstairs
decided to hop

on the treadmill
at 1:00 a.m.

- Why didn't you just
tell him to stop?

- I tried.

- You tried?
What does that mean?

- Nothing, I just--nothing.

- [mockingly]
Nothing, just nothing.

That doesn't sound like nothing.
What happened?

- Well, he called me a pussy

and threatened
to break me in half.

all: What?
- Yeah.

- Are you serious?

- I'm on the co-op board,
Anthony.

What, I'm supposed
to fight him over this?

all: Yes!

- That's a perfect reason
to punch someone in the face.

- Absolutely.

- If you saw what you
looked like right now,

you'd punch yourself
in the face.

- Hey, babe.

- Hey, how you
feeling, honey?

- Baking soda bath
was nice.

- Ooh, I could use
one of those.

- Request denied.

I need you to get them
out of here

so I can watch TV and rest.

- I'll get them
to calm down.

You too.
You want a massage?

- Ugh, no.
Hug is nice.

- Really is nice.

- I hate them so much.

- Hey.

- Oh, hey, I was just--

- Looking through
my checkbook, yeah.

- Well, you left it out.

- I left it out in my house.

- Fine.

Well, you have $13,000
in your checking account.

- So what?
- So what?

I asked you to borrow
$600 last week,

and what'd you say?

[mockingly]
"I would, but I'm tapped out."

- Okay, well, maybe I didn't
want to lend you the money.

- You mean your wife didn't
want to lend me the money.

- Karen had nothing
to do with this.

I'm just not lending you
money anymore.

And you can't
give me shit about it.

I paid for you to get
your van fixed.

I paid for you to go to
Rock-n-Roll Fantasy Camp.

No, not now.

- This still has Karen's
bitch-like fingerprints

all over it.

- I told you
not to call her a bitch.

- Listen to me, I'm saying--
- "Bitch-like" counts, Anthony.

[doorbell rings]

- Thanks, Karen.

- Vito.

So you just happen to have
a biohazard outfit.

- Yep, during
the Ebola outbreak,

a guy who owed me 8 grand
got quarantined,

so I got this suit to collect
and to send a message.

Nobody slides.

There's no free lunch.

Now, where's my money?

- Uh, hey, real quick.

How much to break his legs?

- I like your style.

But if you would've
hung on to this cash,

it would've happened for free.

- Damn it.
I didn't think that one through.

- Suck a dick, Anthony.

- Absolutely sucking a dick.

- Have a nice day.

- Ugh, what is this?

- That's saliva chicken, bro.

- Saliva chicken.
That's the real name?

- Yeah, and it's good.

- I thought you wanted
something bland.

- Nah, I just didn't want pizza.
[cell phone chimes]

- Hey, I just got a text
from Eddie about the game.

We won.

- No way!
- What?

- That's awesome.

Keep the play-off hopes
alive now.

- Man, now I wish
I went to the game.

- No, then we would've lost.

- Yeah, see, Shitski?
Streak lives on without you.

- Up next, "The Bachelorette."
- No, not this dumb bitch.

- Karen, can you put
the Ranger game on, please?

Third period's starting.

- It's my show.

- Don't you say it.
Don't you--

- No. No, no, no.

- Don't do it.

- I choose...Steven.

- No!

Why did she choose
that douche bag?

- Carlos wins triathlons
and owns his own business.

- She is a dumb bitch.

- This makes me sick.

- I think I'm gonna be sick.

- What?
- What?

- I think I'm gonna be--
- No, no, no, no.

- Saliva chicken looks a lot
like pizza now, huh, Sebalos?

[clock ticking]

[treadmill whirring,
dull thumping]

- [whispering]
That's just great.

- What's going on?

- Go deal with that.

Go deal with that.

- Okay.

[treadmill whirring]

[whirring stops]

- Oh, it's you.

- Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait.

Hi.

Listen, I know we got off
on the wrong foot,

but the sound from
your treadmill is deafening.

We're just trying
to go to sleep, and--

What's that?

- Leftover Wo Hop.
- Wait a minute.

Are you eating
while you're walking

on the treadmill?

Are you messing
with us, dude?

- It's the diet,
you ignoramus.

I can only eat
when I'm on a treadmill.

- That's counterproductive.

I mean, maybe
you'd be better off

substituting water
for the Wo Hop,

and then you wouldn't be
so disproportionate.

- Disproportionate?
Oh, I love you skinny bastards.

I happen to have
a slow metabolism.

- Come on, man.
Everybody says that.

But it's bullshit.

All the research states
that obese people

have a slightly
slower metabolism

than regular human beings.

- Who are you,
Jillian Michaels?

- What?
No, no, I hate her.

- Me too. She's a bitch,
and you remind me of her.

Except for your zit-marked face.

- This is chicken pox.

- I've had that already,

so it's not gonna stop me
from kicking your ass.

- We're neighbors, man.

Come on, we should have
some common courtesy, you know?

Help each other out,
have a good relationship.

- Oh, I think it'd
be good to punch you

in your chicken pox face.

- It doesn't have
to be like this.

- Well, it's gonna be like this
till you get out of my face.

- Okay.

Can you at least tell me
how long

you're gonna be
on the treadmill for?

- It's gonna be a while.

I got a Sarah Lee pie
for dessert.

[treadmill whirring,
dull thumping]

- Jesus Christ,
how fat is this guy?

I can hear him abusing
that poor, innocent treadmill

two floors away.

- He's disrespecting you,
your wife, and your home.

- You know, he's right, Paul.

You got to deal
with this asshole.

- Guy deserves a smack, man.
What's the problem?

- Look, truth is,

I've never been in a fight
in my life.

- What?
- Like, never?

- No.

- Not even high school?

- We went to high school
together.

When did I ever get in a fight?

- Um, junior high.
Grade school.

- Never happened.
No fights, ever.

- That's unacceptable, dude.
- And kind of weird.

- What do you know about fights?

- I'm Chinese,
brought up in Queens.

My whole life is a fight.

- Seriously, man,
every man needs to learn

how to defend himself.

- Yeah, how do we know
you have our back on the ice

if shit goes down?

- Yo, Paulie, can we just
throw that couch out?

It smells like saliva chicken.

- You know what?
This is not half bad.

I think it just needed a minute
on the counter to congeal.

- Yo, that was mine.
I was saving that.

- Oh, God.
Your spit's in my mouth.

Now I'm gonna get chicken pox.

- You don't have chicken pox?

- No.

- Then what are you doing here?

- I don't know.
I didn't want to miss anything.

- Wow.
- That's terrifying, bro.

- It's not about him.
It's about Rosenberg.

Look, we're gonna teach you
how to fight right now, okay?

- This might be
a bad idea, guys.

- You know what's a bad idea?

You being called a pussy
your whole life, so--

- All right, all right.
Okay.

Paul, I'm trained
in the martial arts.

I can teach you some stuff
that's very simple.

Something so easy,
even a chick could do it, okay?

Feet shoulder-width apart,
rock back--

[yelling]

- Jesus!
- Chill!

- Dude, did you just
have a seizure?

- No, that's all
about distracting

from my secret weapon.

all: Whoa!

- Relax!

- What are you doing, bro?
- Jesus!

- This is awesome, by the way.
- It's cool, right? Yeah.

- You push the button down,

and then it just--
then it goes like that.

Wow, that's interesting.

- Yeah, keep it.
I got tons of them.

- Look, we don't need a lethal
weapon here, though, okay?

What we need is something easy.

I'm gonna show you
the "What up, Bro?"

- The "What up, Bro?"

- You've definitely never
got into a fight

if you've never seen this.

All right.
Watch me.

- Let's go.
- Okay. Walk up.

What up, bro?
How you doing?

Bam!
- Whoa!

- Is what happens!
On the floor!

Remember when I did that
at the parking lot at Tuesday's?

Knocked out Dom Benaquista

'cause he was talking
to my girl.

Gave that big guido
a concussion.

[laughter]

- What's funny?

- Uh, you calling
someone else a big guido.

- That story's
complete bullshit. I was there.

You threw the headbutt
but missed.

He tried to knee you
in the head.

He also missed, then slipped
and gave himself a concussion.

- Okay, that's not
what happened.

- Yeah, it was.

There were hundreds of people
there who witnessed him slip.

And then they put you
in the back of the cop car

for a minute
and you started crying.

- No.

- Should I just put a post up
on Facebook

and see what everybody else
remembers?

- No.
- Okay.

- Well, dude, at least
I'm not a pussy

that can't fight, like you.

- You know what?
I've had about enough.

Especially from you, Anthony.

- You want to be pissed off
at somebody?

Go upstairs and be pissed off
at that guy.

[treadmill whirring]

- Did that prick
just turn it up a notch?

all: Yep.

- [breathing heavily]

- My God, he is gonna
get demolished.

[pounding]

[Western stand-off music]

- Shuffle back.
Shuffle back. Shuffle back.

Shuffle back.
Shuffle back.

Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go!

Back, back, back, back--

- What's going on?

- What?

- Where's Paul?

- Paul.
Uh...oh, shit, Paul.

- Look, I'm sure he's fine.
Let's figure this out, guys.

Let's go.
- Come on, come on, come on.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Whoo!

What are you doing?

- [retching]

I don't feel very well
at all.

[thudding and grunting]

[cell phone ringing]

- Didn't you say you had to be
home, like, 45 minutes ago?

- Yeah, but it is
so peaceful up here.

What do you do
for shoulders?

- I got a kettlebell.
- Yeah?

- You ever do
the kettlebell?

- Never done a kettlebell.

- I do it tabata.

You, like, work out
for 30 seconds,

then you chill out
for 10 seconds...

- Really?

- Then you work out
for 30 seconds.

- Oh, that's good.

- You do that for, like,
eight exercises.

- Yeah?
- Do it three, four times.

- Hmm.
- Just kicks your ass.

- I got to switch it up.

- Oh, you totally
got to switch it up.

I was swimming for a while.
- Swimming?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, it's good, but--

- I just apologize
to my wife.

- That's how you work out?

- Yeah, it's just like...

- Even when I had chicken pox,

Karen was still
checking me out.

- No, she w--
You're full of shit.

- Bro, did I ever tell you
about high school?

Paul had just--just started
dating Karen.

They were dating
for, like,

maybe a year and a half,
two years.

And sh--Karen, you know,
we're seniors--

we're seniors in high school.

And, you know, I was the only
one driving at the time.

It was raining.

Paul was out sick
with his alopecia bullshit.

And Karen asked me
for a ride home.

So, you know, I gave her
a ride home.

Uh, one of--you know, a song
came on, song that we liked,

"(God Must Have Spent) A Little
More Time On You," 'NSYNC,

a song we both liked.

I started humming it to her.

You know, she went in
to say good-bye,

and I kissed her on the lips.

And, you know, I think that she
maybe felt bad about it.

I didn't, you know,
because, I mean--

[bleep], what do you--you know?

I was like, "Karen, babe,
like, I have all--

"I'll always have
all my hair.

"None of this hair
will ever fall out.

And I'm the guy for you."
But, you know, she felt bad.

And then next--and then--
and then--you know, whatever.

Couple years later, she's
pregnant with freaking Declan.

And then, you know--
- What a name, right?

- But nobody ever
has to know about that.

You two, I swear to God,
if you ever tell Paul that--

If you ever tell Paul that--

Don't, all right?

- Tell him what?
- Okay.

- Exactly, tell him what?
- What?