All language subtitles for Benders.S01E03_English

[clock ticking]

- Paul, shut the window.

[water dripping]

Paul, shut the window.
It's raining.

[water dripping]

Damn it, Paul.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Paul!

- [exclaiming]

- God, Paul.

- Hey.
What's up?

- You're sleep pissing.

- Is that even
a real term?

- It is, and I'm seeing
a pattern because you pissed

in the kitchen nearly
a year ago to the day.

- I don't think once a year
counts as a pattern.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'll clean it up
right now.

- Maybe this is a sign.
- A sign?

- That maybe you have
a problem with drinking,

and you may want
to cut back.

- I don't have a problem.

If you woke up and I was
taking a shit in your purse,

that would be a problem.

[whispers]
Damn it.

[Zeus' "You Gotta Teller"]

[upbeat rock music]

*

- * You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

- Yeah!

- * You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

[skates scraping]

- Guys, we're just not playing
good offense out there, okay?

I think some of you are
definitely playing offense

emotionally
and spiritually,

but nobody's playing it
physically except me.

I think I'm doing
a pretty good job,

but that's 'cause I practice
and I work out a lot more

than you two.

Yo, how many times
do I got to tell you?

When I tap the stick
three times, that means pass.

- I thought two taps
meant pass you the puck.

- No, that means fake the pass
and then shoot.

- Guys, what are we,
ten with the secret codes?

Just call for the puck.

- No, because then everyone's
gonna know what's up.

- So what?

We lost.

The point is, we had fun.

The guys in the post office,
they respect us now.

- Sebalos, we just lost
eight to nothing, man.

- It's way closer
than it sounds.

- Okay, whatever.

You know what?

Can we just go to the bar,
climb into some pitchers,

and live to fight
another day?

Please?
Can we do that?

- I'm gonna take a pass, guys.

- What, is Karen making you
watch "The Bachelorette" again?

- No.
That's Mondays.

It's just--I've been kind of
hitting it hard

a little bit lately,
and I'm a bit concerned, man.

- Concerned about what?

- All right.

Last night I woke up,

and I'm pissing all over
the bedroom wall.

[laughter]

Dead serious.

Karen thinks it's a sign
I have a problem.

That's not a problem, dude.

A problem would be
if she woke up

and you were taking a shit
in her purse.

- Dude, I said
the exact same thing to her.

- Yo, true story:

One time, I woke up in
the middle of the night

and I was pissing on my
Christmas tree.

[laughter]

- Can we go to the bar
or what?

- Yo, let's go.

It's half off pitchers, right?
- There we go.

- All right, fine.
I'll go for one.

- Yeah, have fun, guys.

I got to get back
on the ice, so...

- What do you mean
you got to get back on the ice?

- What, I didn't
tell you?

Playing on the Dominicans.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Division seven?

- Relax, I'm still gonna
play for The Chubbys,

it's just, you know, Dominicans
had an open slot,

so they asked me to play.

- That's like treason.

- Bro.

We all know I should be
playing up a division anyway,

and to be honest with you,
I got a connection

with my Dominican brothers.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Like who?

- Like Alejo from
the dry cleaners.

- Alejo is Columbian,
not Dominican, you dumb shit.

- What is that, like,
one bus stop away?

Who cares?

- I'm surprised you're not
playing for the all-gay D7 team.

- Who, Dump and Chase?
- Yeah.

- Bro, I'd love to.

Not only do they
have a great offense,

but the spread they put out
in between periods?

Oh, to die for.

- Just so you know,

the three of us were asked
to play D7 too.

- We were?
- Yeah, we were.

And you know what we did?

We turned them down.
You know why?

- No, why?

- It's called loyalty.

- Please, you guys
are just jealous

because I'm the only member
in Chubbys history

to ever be called up
to the show.

- What show?
It's division 7.

- Yeah, okay.
Smell you later, boys.

[upbeat rock music]

- Team Jesus?
Are you shitting me?

- Worst team in D7, right?
- Doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. It's D7,

and they're always looking
for players.

- It's 'cause nobody
wants to play with them, bro.

- They're not like us, Paul.

They're called Team Jesus
for a reason.

- Anthony is not
a better player than any of us.

You know how big his fricking
head is gonna get over this?

I'm not gonna give him
that satisfaction.

- That is true.

If Anthony can get
called up, we can get called on.

- All right, let's go.

*

Hey, we just wanted to say that
we really like what you guys do

on the ice.

- Oh, thanks.

You guys want to sit down?

- Yeah.

*

- Well, I'm Christian.

- So are we.

- Yeah, we hate non-Christians.

- Those people can blow me.

Sorry.

- Oh, it's okay, brother.

My name is Christian.

all: Oh!

- I'm Paul.
- Oh, hi.

And that's Sebalos
and that's Shitski.

- Excuse me?

- He means Litski.

- I think I've seen
you guys around.

Who do you play for?

- We are so blessed to play
for The Chubbys.

- Sweet.
- Yeah.

We really love the game, guys,

and we've been praying
for new opportunities,

so if you ever need a few guys,
we would love to play for you.

- So, you want to play with us
because of him?

*

- Wait, you know
about Anthony?

- Jesus.

Who's Anthony?

- Oh, he's just this Dominican
wannabe that we know.

Say what you were saying
about Jesus, man.

That sounded
really interesting.

- It was his will
that brought you here tonight.

- Mm-hmm.
- Absolutely.

- We would love to have you
play with us.

- No shit?

Sorry.

It's a bad habit.

- Men, let's pray.

- Oh.
- Oh, okay.

Father God, we thank you
for your divine providence

that led these men of faith
here to us tonight,

and we offer all that we do
for your glory.

- Amen.

- Amen.

all: Amen.

- All right, I'll get the first
couple of pitchers.

What do you guys drink?
Imported or domestic?

- Oh, Fresca.

Yeah, the men who play on
Team Jesus abstain from alcohol,

drugs, tobacco.

- Holy sh--
- Ghost!

[chuckles]

Holy ghost.

Right?
The father, son, the holy ghost.

Am I right, guys?
The big three.

- Amen.

The lord.

- I'll go get the Fresca.

- Awesome.

Hey, buddy.

Yeah.
Welcome.

- I'm excited.

[upbeat electronic music]

- Hey, babe.

- You're home early.

- Yeah, you know, I was thinking
about my little accident

last night,
and you were right.

I think I'm gonna be giving up
drinking for a while.

- You're quitting
drinking?

- You know me.
I have will power.

So when I decide to
do something, it gets done.

- No it doesn't.

- I'm turning over
a new leaf, babe,

and now that
I'm clearheaded,

I've decided to do
something about it.

Me and the guys were asked
to play in a higher division.

- Good for you, Paul.

- Are you kidding me?

Karen, this is huge.

- Yeah, it's quite
an achievement.

- Oh.

I mean, I'm still gonna be
playing with The Chubbys in D8.

- Awesome.

More hockey.

- Yeah,

but this is new team,
division seven.

- So, there's, like, six
divisions higher than this team?

- I mean, I guess you could
look at it like that.

- What's the new
team's name?

- It's Team Jesus.

- Team Jesus?

- Yeah.

- Do they know that you're a Jew
and Anthony is Satan's spawn?

- Anthony is playing
for the Dominicans.

- In the same division?

- Yeah.

- [laughing]
Okay.

I see now.

Willpower, my ass.

- Excuse me?

- I tell you maybe you should
cut back on drinking.

You tell me you don't
have a problem,

but then you're jealous
of Anthony,

so you're giving up drinking to
you can play with some

born again boners
and save face.

- Okay.

I'll have you know that
everything that you just said

right now is largely true,

but so what?

Everybody wins, and maybe it's
the little extra push I needed.

- Good luck.

- Oh, I'm gonna make it.

[upbeat salsa music]

*

- Team Jesus?
That's who picked you up?

[laughs]

Hilarious-o!

- Keep it moving,
asshole!

- Anthony's lost it.

He's crazy.

- Dude, you want to know
what's crazy?

I heard that this team
has a freaking Bible

in the penalty box.

- Guys, we made it, okay?

This is division seven.
Focus.

- Guys, let's bring it in
for a quick prayer.

- Hey, what's up, bro?

- Father God, keep us safe
on the ice tonight,

and when we play,
let all who see us

know that we are men of God.

Amen.

all: Amen.

- Oh, one more thing.

God, number 12
on the Dominican team,

his name is Anthony Pucello,

he does not weareth
a mouth guard.

Please forgive us
for knocking his teeth out.

No, 'cause listen,
'cause here's why:

He is not a man of God
as we all are.

- I think it's what Jesus
would do.

- Absolutely.

[buzzer blares]

- You know, I don't think
they were feeling my prayer.

- It's all good, bro.

[whistle trills]

- Sebalos!

[upbeat rock music]

- Praise the lord.

*

Amen, brother!

*

- Yeah!

- * Into the fire I fall

[music warps to a stop]

- There is no god.

[buzzer blares]

- We should have prayed
for a miracle.

This is a goddamned
bloodbath.

- Yeah, well, that's 'cause
our team doesn't check, steal,

spit, or curse,

so, sorry, but
that's not even hockey.

- I got it!
I got it!

I got it!
[grunts]

- Dig it out, Sebalos!

- [grunting]
I got it!

- Come on, ref,
that's a penalty!

Hey, ref, get off your knees!
You're blowing the game!

[bass guitar strumming]

- Are you shitting me?

*

- Guys, guys, no!
No!

Mark 12:31.

"There is no greater commandment
than to love thy neighbor

as to love thyself!"

[thuds and grunts]

*

[all yelling]

[upbeat rock music]

*

- Yo!

Los hombres!

What's up, my friends?

How you doing, papi?

There's a food truck
on West 29th Street

that's operated
by our people.

Got a little
celebration food.

- Our people?

- Yeah, the gente.
Yeah.

Look at this:

empanadas!

Huh?

Not as good as my sweet
abuelita's,

but still pretty great.

- Oh, really?

What made the empanadas your
sweet abuelita made so great?

I--um--
I would--

It's a combination--

Oh, you guys are--
you're messing with me.

I get it.
Yeah.

Muchachos like me can't give up
empanada secrets.

I no loco.
Yo no sé, right?

Yo no sé.

[speaking Spanish]

[laughter]

*

Cerveza.

You guys.

- Just look at them.

Drinking beer, laughing after
a game, like men.

- They're animals,
is what they are.

They're a disgrace.

[all yell]

- I'm gonna complain
to a manager.

If they want decent patrons
like us to come here,

they're gonna have to ask
derelicts like them to leave.

- Guys, we need to talk.

- Yeah, Kelly,
we were just coming over.

- You're gonna have to leave.

- Excuse me?
- Whoa, so rude.

- You're taking up two tables
and not drinking.

- Two more pitchers of Fresca,
please, Kelly.

- This is a bar.

It's for people
who want to party.

- I'd like to speak
to a manager.

- He's the one who
wants you to leave.

[all groan]

[laughter]

- Okay, so you know
that machine at the gym

where you have to, like, strain
to bring your legs together?

- I know that machine.

- Okay, there is this woman
at my gym,

and I'm pretty sure
that she uses it

to give herself
an orgasm.

- Shut up.

- And at the end,
she goes like this...

[exclaims in
a high-pitched voice]

[laughter]

- Hey, babe.

- Hi.

How are you?

- Good.

What's all this?

It was my turn to host
book club.

- What's tonight's book?

- Something by some chick
who had some sort of struggle.

We just call it book club
because it sounds better

than "excuse to drink too much
wine on a weeknight."

[laughter]

Make yourself useful.

- It's a twist off.

You know, having all
this booze around the house

really isn't helping me
with my sobriety.

- Aw, well that sounds
like something

an alcoholic would say,

but luckily,
you have willpower.

- That's true.

[exhales]

It's a weeknight,
you know.

Maybe you should
slow down a bit.

I'm just having some drinks
with friends,

which is something that you
and your idiot friends

do at least three nights
a week.

Now, go upstairs.

I'll be up in an hour,

and don't go to sleep
'cause I might need you later.

- Okay.

I can taste the wine.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, you did that
on purpose.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, nice support, Karen.

Nice support!

*

So nobody's heard
from Anthony?

- No.

- Hey, did you guys get
that Bible study email?

- Yes, and we're going.

Okay, I don't want Christian
to think that we don't fit in.

- Oh, no, we have to go.

I mean, look what he gave me.

- Wow.
- Right?

- That's a pretty sweet-ass
Bible, my brother.

- I can't believe Anthony
is blowing us off like this.

God, how does this guy walk
with the size of his balls?

[Spanish dance music playing]

*

- Hola.

- Hey, we're supposed
to be on the ice in ten minutes.

Where the hell are you?

- Dude, look, I'm not gonna be
able to make it tonight, okay?

I got to install
a waste disposal for Pedro.

- You have your head
so far up Pedro's ass

you're wearing him
like a sombrero.

What about The Chubbys, man?

We still have a team here.

- Look, you know I would
if I could,

but this was an emergency.

- Mm-hmm.

Passing a stone,
a sick kid, a car accident.

Those are emergencies.

Installing a shitter
for one of the Dominicans?

Not an emergency.

- Who said anything
about a shitter?

I'm installing a waste disposal,

and, bro, you don't know
anything about my people

or my culture, okay?

To us, it's a little thing we
like to call,

"La famigilia."

- Let me remind you, you're
half Dutch and half Italian.

All right,
at your sixth birthday party,

when they brought out
the piñata,

you pissed in your bathing suit.

- Buddy, look,
I can't do this, okay?

If I don't get this done
before Pedro gets back,

he won't start me,
so I got to go.

- Hasta luego, asshole!

- * Jesus is a friend
of mine *

- * Jesus is my friend

- But the father said
to his servants,

"Quick!
Bring the best robe,

and put it on him."

- You know what, dude?

I got to tell you,
this little detox sucks,

but there is one upside.

My body is running
like a machine.

The sex has been
incredible.

- Come on.

- I'm, like,
always ready to go.

- Did you get back together
with Madeline?

- No, but I have been beating
off like a mental patient.

- Congrats.

[door creaks]

[whispering]
Sebalos.

Where the hell was he?

- Where do you think
he was, dude?

- Jesus Christ.

- [laughing]

- Oh, no.

- So why do you think Jesus
told Peter and his men

to go back out there
and lower their nets

after days of not
catching anything?

- Randy.

- Because when you go fishing,
you have to be patient.

- Yeah, patient.

- Yeah, 'cause, like,
on the "Deadliest Catch,"

there was this boat.

"The Bearded Clam."

Like, five days,
nothing, bro,

and on the sixth day,
holy shit,

they had more crabs
than a '70s porn star.

- Maybe the captain of the boat
was a man of faith like Peter.

- Actually, he was an alcoholic
and a sex addict.

Yeah, every time he went
below deck,

he was either hitting the bottle
or glazing his ham.

[stifled laughter]

- Sorry.
- Shut up.

- Let's pray for brother Randy.

all: Amen.

- Wow, that was kind of cool.

Thank you, guys.

- Yeah.

- Amen.

- Let's move on.

- Hey guys,
let's bring it in here.

Come on.

I would like brother Dickie
to lead us in prayer tonight.

- All right.

Father God,
above in the sky,

we ask that you
be with us tonight

as we destroy
Team Hook and Ladder.

We will do this by imagining
that each and every one of them

are Satan in skates.

Whenever three or more of us
gather in your name,

let us surround number 17--
he's their leading scorer--

and let us check him so hard

that he can't remember
his mother's name.

- Dickie.

- Sorry.

Well, anyway, I mean,
that's about it, I guess.

Let's go out there and
shove it up their ass for Jesus!

- Jesus.

both: Amen.

- Totally, bro.

- I'm not, like,
a prayer guy.

I don't know,
I don't do a lot of praying.

- Yeah, I know,
it's kind of weird, like...

- What the hell are you
doing here?

- I quit the Dominicans.

- What, no one would do
the merengue with you

between periods?

- No.
I just quit.

You know, I thought that
they wanted me on their team

'cause I'm an amazing
hockey player,

but turns out they
were just using me.

- What do you mean
they were just using you?

- Well I was at Arturo's house,

running a gas line
behind a new stove,

and a couple of guys came in,

and they didn't know
I was there,

and I heard one guy
say to the other guy

that they were gonna get me
to install a garage door opener,

and that's why they had me
on the team.

To do free work
for them.

So as they say in Spanish,
I'm "finido."

- Those Dominicans are...

they're pretty savvy.

- Yeah.

- Hey, I'm sorry, Anthony.

- I was acting like an asshole,

so I should be the one
saying "sorry."

- Yep.
- Yep.

- Actually, you were.
I'm not really that sorry.

- You know what they say,
brother:

"When one door closes,
another one opens."

You should play for us.

- No, no, no, no, no.

That's not happening.

With all due respect, Christian,
the only reason we joined

Team Jesus is because
we couldn't handle

one of our buddies
playing up a division.

- Yeah, no one on The Chubbys
can stand it when one of us

does better than the other.

- If he's not in
division seven,

then we don't need to put up
with this shit.

- I thought you guys
were like us.

- No, no, I think
we are very different.

- I'm a Jew!

- You're Jewish?

- Yeah, man, sorry about Jesus
and everything,

but look,
you're a good guy.

You really are.

It's just you kind of
talk to God a lot.

It's weird.

I don't talk to God ever.

I mean, the only time I do
is during the Super Bowl.

- Oh, Stanley Cup.

- That's true.
- Oh, yeah.

- I talk when I think I got
an STD.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, but that hasn't worked.

- Guys, so just like that,
you're going home?

- No, no,
we're not going home.

We're going to Maggie Mae's
to celebrate

my six days of sobriety.

- Six days!

- Let's go!
Let's go!

- And welcome our boy home.

all: Yeah!

- Yo, yo, yo, Christian,
yo, yo, yo.

You know last night
at Bible study?

- Yeah?

- I was higher than
a giraffe's ass.

[laughter]

[Lake Street Dive's
"You Go Down Smooth"]

- * Would it be true to say

* That I ordered you?

[all exclaim]

- So you regretting giving up
drinking, bro?

- I think after six days
of not drinking,

I've proved to myself
I can give it up if I want to.

- That's right, man.

You don't want to force
sobriety, you know?

'Cause then you'll
resent it, man.

- Tomorrow, we suit up
as the team we know and love,

and take on the Rippers,
who we will destroy!

[all yelling]

[Irish folk music]

- Whoo!

*

- Oh!

- [coughs]

all: * They come over here

* And they take all our land

* They chop off our heads
and they boil them in oil *

* Our children are leaving
and we have no heads *

* We sing and we dance

* And we sing and we die

* We have no heads

* No, we have no heads

- [whispering]
Hey.

How's the not drinking going?

- [groans]

I didn't make
the two weeks, baby.

No, you did not.

- I think I had a pretty good
time last night.

- Yeah?

- And, uh...

no accidents.

Just promise me that that--

- I promise you.

It will never
happen again.

- I'm gonna make us coffee.

- I would love some coffee.

I love you.

- Love you.

- [sighs]

- [yelling]
What is this in my purse?

Oh, my God!

Paul!

God damn it!