Original subtitles

Katie: Notice anything different?

Well [Sighs]

someone unplugged my cellphone

so they could charge theirs.Mm.

And someone used my students' test papers

as their coffee coaster,

so, no, everything seems about the same.

The house is empty, Greg!

The kids are gone.

You spared the dog, though, right?Oh, please.

If I would've snapped, you'd be the first to go.

Anna-Kat's on her Wildflower Girls retreat,

Oliver and Cooper are in their basement apartment,

and Taylor is at Trip's while his parents are away.

I still can't believe you let her do that.

Taylor and I had a civilized conversation,

and I decided that it was fine

for her to stay at Trip's.

I'll do what I want when I want!

I'm an adult now, and I'm staying at Trip's!

I am still your mother!

I have an opinion, and you're gonna hear it!

I don't need your opinion!

Well, then don't come crying to me

when you get a raging UTI!

Actually, do, because it could

turn into a kidney infection!

It's so quiet in here.

I can hear a raccoon in the attic.

I love you and your Southern expressions.

It's not an expression.

Last night, I could literally hear the raccoon

that's been living in our attic.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

That's my man.

By calling animal control. Oh.

That'smy man.

You know, this is a preview

of how it's going to be

when the kids are really out of the house.

We're free!

I can finally have a cold one

and watch the game in peace.

You're going to do sports and beer?

No.

Gazpacho and "Jeopardy!"

How'd you get beer and sports out of that?

[ Both chuckle ]

Beer and sports?

I know. I'm an idiot.

--Captions by VITAC--

♪♪

I am so glad

that I have the house to myself for a while.

Oh, I'm so jealous.

What I wouldn't give to kick back with some wine

and watch a "Real Housewives of New York" marathon.

No way. I don't watch that anymore

since Dorinda turned into such a bully.

Oh, I know. I hate her.

J.D.: How can you hate Dorinda?

She had such a tough year.

She broke up with John, her manor house flooded,

and then she broke a rib!

I'm just kidding. I hate her, too.[ Giggles ]

Sorry for eavesdropping.

I know it's rude,

but you're the only two worth listening to.

That one's talking about green juice,

this one over here just bought one of those spin bikes,

and that one is suing her plastic surgeon.

I didn't actually overhear her.

I'm just -- I'm just guessing.

I've never seen you in here before.

Oh, I just moved here

after my husband and I got divorced.

Nobody's fault, we just had different interests.

I liked dogs,

and he liked to tell his parents

I was his roommate of five years.

[ Chuckles ]I'm J.D.

I'm Katie. This is my friend Tami.

Why don't you join us?

I guarantee we will not be talking about green juices

or overpriced spin bikes.

Okay, sure.

I just bought one of those bikes.

Of course you did. [ Chuckles ]

[ Clicks tongue ] Why in the world

would you move to Westport?

I'm a manager at the Four Seasons

that just opened up near here,

so if you're looking for pool cabanas,

complimentary cocktails,

and all the mini sewing kits you want, I'm your guy.

I don't believe in love at first sight

because my husband just kind of kept asking me out

and wore me down, but I love you.

Seriously, if you want to fly us

to one of those Four Seasons and never come back, I'm ready.

I've got everything I need in my purse.

Can't believe we get to spend the week together.

Nine whole days.

[ Sighs ]

It's so quiet at your house.

My sweater's been on the floor all day

and my mom isn't screaming, "Pick that up!

What do I look like, your maid?

Do I have to do everything around here?

Greg!"

[ Microwave beeps ]Ooh, lunch.

Mm-hmm.

Your Hot Pocket, my lady.

Ooh, thank you, my dude.

[ Chuckles ]

Wonder why they call it a pocket.

A pocket has a hole on one end,

and these are all closed.

It's more like a sealed envelope.

Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.

And "Hot Envelope" rolls off the tongue

much better anyway.

So why call it a pocket?

Makes you think, right?

It really does.

See, that's why we work so well, babe.

We challenge each other.

Mm.

♪♪

Did the Eucalyptus Foot Scrub of the Week come?

Oh, since I'm trying to learn how to be "Otto poor,"

I canceled all of my "Of the Week" delivery clubs.

My Gucci Loafers of the Week,

my Seafood Tower of the Week,

and the Foot Scrub of the Week.

Damn, I'm gonna miss our soft, uncalloused feet.

The only good news is,

my special French hair pomade is on its way.

It made it under the wire

before I canceled my credit cards.

At least I'll have one thing that'll make me feel normal.

Mm.

I know what will cheer you up.

All right. Here we go.

Let's eat the last of your Caviar of the Week shipment.

This is Royal Ossetra. Yeah.

A proper caviar spoon is mother of pearl.

My dad would've sent me back to finishing school

for a mistake like this.

Man.

My dad hasn't taught me anything

about the finer things in life.

To think I was gonna leave this house

without so much as a cursory spoon education.

Ridiculous.

[ Gasps ] Grace!

We do not jump on the couch.

Sure feels like I do. [ Chuckles ]

Grace!

[ Gasps ]

Look at J.D.'s Instagram.

His home is straight out of those fancy magazines

I read at the checkout line,

then leave in the candy rack

when it's time to pay.

You know, it would be good

to have a young person in our lives.

Shoot, I thought TikTok

was just a breath mint taking over the nation.

[ Door opens ]And it'll be good to have a friend

that keeps us from constantly talking

about kids and being a mom.

I need some masculine energy in my life.

Something to spice it up,

someone adventurous, a risk taker.

[ Page rips ]

Grace, the pages stay in the books.

Maybe we should ask him

to have Second Breakfast with us tomorrow.

Well, he gave us his card.

Should we call him?

Do you think he'll say yes?

Of course. We're awesome.

Let's be cool.

I'm always cool. [ Chuckles ]

[ Line rings ]J.D.: Hello?

Hi, J.D.!

It's Katie.

And your girl, T-bone.

What are you doing?When I'm nervous, I push.

We were just wondering

if you would like to join us

for Second Breakfast tomorrow.

You know, no big thang.

I'd love to. See you guys tomorrow at 9:00.

Bye!

He said yes!

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God!

What are you two gonna wear tomorrow?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, probably my...

Oh.

She's making fun of us, isn't she?

That child hasn't said anything with sincerity

since she was in Pull-Ups. [ Sighs ]

I know we just met, but I feel like we're family.

Definitely, but like the family members

you want to hang out with.

Not the siblings you see on holidays

that remind you you'rethe one

that's gonna be taking care of Mom.Mm.

[ Laughs ]

So, what is it like working at a fancy resort?

Can you just travel anywhere you want

in the world for free?Sure can.

Oh, how would you guys like to tag along with me

to Costa Rica?

When? Any time you want.

How's 3:00 today? Too soon? 5:00?

I need a minute.

I'm having a feeling I'm not familiar with.

I think it's joy.

Hey, guys, I wanted to tell you something

kind of personal,

and since you've already eaten

two of the three Belgian waffles off my plate,

here it goes.

I've been thinking of having a baby.

A baby?

Wow.

That is a bigdecision.

How are you going to be able to go to Costa Rica

any time you want?

Oh, I'm not worried.

I'll figure something out.

[ Gasps ] You're the first people I've told.

We have to celebrate. Where's the waiter?

Let's get some Aperol Spritzes, huh?

You know what, they'll never make 'em right.

I'll just go and make 'em myself.[ Chuckles ]

This is like watching teenagers in a shark movie

heading into the ocean on an inflatable raft.

And doing it on his own?

He clearly hasn't thought this through.Yeah.

We owe it to him to help

since he's taking us to Costa Rica.

Well, yes, it's a little about Costa Rica,

but we're helping mainly because we are good people.

Yeah, good people who deserve to go to Costa Rica.

He needs to know how hard it is

to be a parent. [ Sighs ]

Give him Grace for an afternoon.

She's gonna scare anybody out of having kids.

Hell, I'll give him Grace forever.

Solve two people's problems.

Andre: Study hard.

This will be on the exam next week.

Uh, Andre?

I have a question. But, I mean, I can just --

just come back another time. Oh, no, no, no.

I always have time for you. [ Chuckles ]

Um, I'm having a hard time

understanding the concept of Plato's Cave.

Well, you see, it's not a real cave.

It's a metaphor to explore if we know

what we're actually experiencing is real.

Let me ask you something.

Um, how do you know that you're not dreaming right now?

[ Scoffs ] Because if I were dreaming,

I'd be in a Starbucks.

You ever been? Uh, yeah.

I've, uh, been there a latte.

That was so dumb.

Not as dumb as me asking if you've been

to the world's largest coffee chain.

You know, I hate to admit it,

but ever since I lived in Europe,

I've been a bit of a coffee snob.

You lived in Europe? That's so cool.

Oh, yeah.

Um, I've lived in a bunch of places --

Cambodia, Paris, and a brief stint

at Tomorrowland at Disney World.

[ Laughs ] Sully from "Monsters, Inc."

Were you good at scaring?

[ Clicks tongue ] Uh...

Aah! [ Shrieks ]

That was so good. [ Laughs ]What can I say?

I haven't done that much traveling

except on laptop screensavers. Mm.

Well, you know, there's a whole big world out there,

and I guess I just want to experience it.

Don't you? Yeah.

I guess I just never thought about it.

I'm surprised.

I mean, you're so curious and outgoing.

I am? I think so.

I mean, you strike me as someone who's gonna

get out there and explore the world.

Who knows? Maybe I will.

I've always wanted to try Coffee Bean.

Well, do it now before it gets ruined by tourists.

[ Both chuckle ]

♪♪

So, the raccoon crawls in there,

and then it snaps shut,

and your mom will know what kind of man she married.

Thanks for the trapping tips. [ Sighs ]

This will come in handy when I'm trying to find

a Merlot to pair with a steak.

It's these father-son chats

that makes our connection so strong.

[ Trap rattles ]

Hey, good news.

My pomade made it from Provence to Westport.

The only problem is,

they delivered it to my old address,

but since I don't have my chauffeur anymore

on account of me trying to be like peasant folk,

I need you to go get it for me.

[ Scoffs ] I'm not your servant, dude.

Just take my bike and get it yourself.

I am not riding that old bike.

Look, part of being in this family

is having to ride an old bike.

Everything we have is old.

Our clothes,

we take expired medicine,

and my dad calls inspecting sidewalk furniture

"panning for gold."

You know what, uh, forget it.

I'll figure something else out.

[ Clicks tongue ] Suit yourself.

Oh, here's another one.

My mom puts stale potato chips in the oven

to freshen them up.

♪♪

[ Hockey stick thuds ]

Let me guess -- you're the ghost

of all sports you've never played.

No, I'mgonna get that raccoon out of the attic myself.

What is with you? Just call animal control.

I don't need to call them.

I got this.

I'm a man. I drink whiskey.

You drink half a teaspoon when you have a cold.

Still counts!

♪♪

Ooh, thanks for helping me sample

the hotel's new luxury picnic basket.

I don't recognize any of these foods,

so I know it's gonna be good.

What else do we have?

Oh, chocolate-covered blueberries.Mm-hmm.

Paté.

[ Gasps ] A mozzarella ball?

[ Gasps ]Oh, that cheese is so good,

I'm gonna save it for myself.

[ Laughter ]I'm kidding,

but I'll just put it over here.

Oh. [ Laughs ]

He's trying to eat my jelly doughnut!

Oh, who do we have here?

That's my daughter Grace.

Hi, Grace.

I'm so sorry.

I couldn't find a sitter.

But don't worry, she'll just sit here quietly.

Cool.[ Shrieks ]

Oh. Or she'll just do that.

Oh, no, I think that's great.

This is my future,

so I'd better get used to it.

[ Luthor barks ]

Hey.

Hi, cutie.

You look like you could use a napkin.

[ Clears throat ]

Ohhh!

Guess that works, too.

Grace!

Ugh, kids.

I'm so sorry.

They ruin all your clothes.

I had to wear sweatpants to a wedding last month.

Katie: Ugh.

Luthor, fetch!Oh!

[ Luthor barks ]

Ah, look at your adorable daughter

giving the dog a super, super expensive snack.

Ugh, that is the problem with kids.

You can't have nice things.

The only cheese that I have

has "whiz" or "its" at the end.

Maybe we should do this another time at my place.

We could sit in the backyard by the koi pond.

Oh, you're gonna have to drain that.

Mm-hmm.What, why?

Childproofing.

Same reason why you fence your pool,

cover your fire pit, gate your stairs,

and pee in the bathtub because you can't figure out

how to unlock the toilet seat.

But kids are great.

I mean, besides having to change your entire backyard

and also your whole life...

Mm-hmm....they're totally worth it.

Okay, ladies, I --

I think I'm realizing something.

You two are trying to scare me out of having kids

by coaching Grace to terrorize me.

Oh, I didn't coach her.

She's a misbehaving prodigy,

like the Mozart of raising my blood pressure.

We felt like we wouldn't be good friends to you

if we didn't show you

what a life-changing decision it is

to have a child.

Well, I know it's gonna change, and I'm fine with that.

I-I opened up to you, hoping you'd be supportive,

but I was wrong.

You guys are worse than Dorinda.

[ Gasps ]

You take that back.Mnh-mnh.

I'm gonna go wait out front for my Uber.

See ya around.

I feel horrible.

Me too.

We don't deserve these

chocolate-covered blueberries. No.

But we should eat them sadly

to remind us of our shame.

Mm.

And maybe a little bit of that shame paté.Mm-hmm.

We're glad you're still here.

We brought you what's left of the mozzarella ball.

We rinsed it off with a hose.

It still has to be worth like $85.

Mm-hmm.

[ Ball bounces ]

We're sorry that we weren't being supportive.

But honestly, we're still worried

that you don't know what you're getting into.

We just want to make sure

you're thinking this through.Mm-hmm.

Of course I am.

You never see a gay couple getting drunk one night

and filling out 50 pounds of legal work

and, oopsie, ending up with a child.

You have to really want it,

and I do.

You think you want it, but --

Oh, and I've watched your mommy vlog.

For all your complaining about kids,

you sure seem to enjoy them.

Just because I complain about them

doesn't mean I don't love them or miss them.

Oh, man.

I love and miss them.

Who taught you how to shoot like that?

[ Sighs, clears throat ]

My dad.

He was incredible.

You know he never missed any of my basketball games?

Even the away ones.

He would skip work and follow the team bus

to wherever I was going.

I always hoped I'd be a dad like him.

That was one of the hardest things

about coming out.

I thought I wouldn't be able to have my own family.

But things changed,

and now I get to have that chance.

We're the worst.

We're gonna do everything we can

to help you get a baby.Mm-hmm.

That is, if you forgive us.

Of course, girls.[ Laughs ]

Let's hug it out.[ Women squeal, laugh ]

Yay!

I've always wanted to have a fabulous gay friend

since the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding."

Oh, every time a straight woman I know watches that movie,

they're on me like avocado on toast.

[ Laughter ]

Not in my friend's house!

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

All right, you've been reading for over an hour.

I'm worried about you.

I'm just studying for philosophy class.

Plato says we're all stuck inside this cave

looking at shadows on the wall,

and we think that's the whole world,

but it's not.

It's just interesting to think about.

Yeah, I was up all night thinking about something, too.

And I've solved it.Solved what?

Just the biggest question of all.

Why do they call a Hot Pocket a pocket?

And I finally get it now.

When you bite into it,

there's a hole in the top, like a pocket.

You're still thinking about that?

Yeah. Aren't you?

[ Chuckles ] I don't know.

I've been thinking more about you and me together.

Y-You know, we could go anywhere we want,

even another country.

Wouldn't that be so cool?

Why would I want to live anywhere other than Westport?

My parents live here, my brothers.

I know where all the best houses are

for trick or treating.

What could be better than this?

I don't know, maybe living in Greece.

The movie?No, Greece, the place.

No, babe, "grease" is the word.

♪♪

[ Chuckling ] Dude.

Where is your body?

Where's your shine?

Pull it together, man.

Just take my bike and go get your pomade.

I said I'm not riding it, and that's it.

Oh, what, you think you're too good for me?

No, I don't. Yeah, you do.

What other reason is there?

You're too good for our spoons, you're too --

I don't know how! Okay?

I don't know how to ride a bike.

[ Exhales sharply ] What?

How is that possible?

Because at my house, if you wanted to go somewhere,

there was always an employee to drive you, fly you,

sail you on a yacht,

or take you in a Ducati sidecar.

That sounds pretty baller to me.

But it's not.

I would've loved for my father

to have taught me how to ride a bike,

but he never had the time.

[ Sighs ]

He never drove me to school.

He never helped me with my homework.

He was never there for anything.

It wasn't until junior high that I realized

you weren't supposed to pee sitting down.

Dude.

If you want to learn how to ride a bike,

I know the perfect guy to teach you.

Oh, my God, you know Lance Armstrong?

Thanks.

Hello?

Hi, Anna-Kat, it's Mommy.

Why are you calling me?

I'm just seeing if you're missing me

just as much as I'm missing you.

No one else's mom is calling them.

It's embarrassing!

[ Line beeps ]

[ Sighs ][ Raccoon chittering ]

Greg: [ Shrieks ] It's on its hind legs!

That's a killing pose!

Aah! [ Groans ]

I'm good.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Merely giving the raccoon a false sense of security.

Just call animal control!

I got this.

Mom, I need your opinion on something.

Oh, nowyou want my opinion?

Forget it.

I'm sorry. Please don't leave me.

[ Sighs ] I'm so confused.

I had a conversation at college

about philosophy and Plato, and it was so cool,

but when I tried to share it with Trip,

all he wanted to do was talk about

why Hot Pockets are called Hot Pockets.

Yeah, why arethey called pockets?

There's no opening.

I was so sure I wanted a future with Trip,

and I think I still do.

It... [ Sighs ]

But there's a whole world out there,

and I want to see it.

Maybe even live in another country.

But I don't see Trip doing that.

I love him so much, but...

[ Sighs ]

Things change when you go to college.

And they should.

It means you're growing.It's scary to grow.

And it's scary to watch you grow,

but we both have to do it. [ Sighs ]

And as for who's right for you,

you'll just know.

Maybe it's Trip, and maybe it's not.

And that's okay.

I found the most perfect guy.

And you will, too.

No!

We're gonna stay in this hug until it's time to bury me.

♪♪

I'm telling you, you're in luck, dude.

We happen to have an expert

right here in front of you.

Let's do this.

Okay, don't let go.

I'm not letting go.

I'm not letting go.

♪♪

I let go.

I'm doing it.

I'm doing it!

♪♪

Cooper: Yeah!

What was that for?

For being my perfect guy.

But I heard you tell Tami that you wanted someone

with more masculine energy, someone to spice it up.

Oh, my God!

I was talking about what's missing

in my friend group,

not what's missing in my marriage.

In a partner, I want someone dependable, smart,

a little dorky.

And I hit the jackpot.

Thanks, but that doesn't sound very sexy.

Oh, please.

You teaching Cooper how to ride a bike

is way sexier than Ramone

pulling up to my dorm on a motorcycle.

Who's Ramone?Whoo-hoo!

Look at Cooper go!

This is the most bueno day ever!

I love my poor mom and dad! [ Laughing ] Yeah!

Hey, I, uh -- I just want to thank you

for taking the time to teach me

how to ride a bike, so I brought you this.

[ Sighs ] I'm gonna stop you right there.

Champagne makes me giggly.

[ Laughs ] You don't drink the champagne.

That's so gauche.

I'm gonna teach you how to open up

a champagne bottle with...

[ Shing! ]

...a saber.

Uh, are you sure that's a good idea?

Oh, yeah, totally.

You want to follow through like a golf swing. Like this.

[ Cork pops, clatters ]

Oh, my God!

That is so cool!

Oh, this would kill

at our French Revolution meeting --

and if you're not careful, literally.

Oh, it's so easy.

I've been doing it since I was 8.

Our live-in sommelier taught me.

Here, I'll show you. Okay.

Hold the saber.

Deep breaths, nice and easy.

[ Exhales sharply ]Let's relax, let's relax.

Okay. [ Sniffs ]Ease the arm.

[ Exhales sharply ] I'm a little scared.

Hey, you don't have to be.

I got you. I got you.

Okay.

Angle it, and follow the seam.

[ Cork pops ]

I did it! [ Chuckles ] Yeah!

[ Chuckles ]

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