Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
2
00:00:10,123 --> 00:00:11,623
And now a message from
3
00:00:11,648 --> 00:00:13,849
the President of the United States.
4
00:00:13,874 --> 00:00:17,375
My fellow Americans, I would
like to address reports
5
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:18,999
alleging that I was friends
6
00:00:19,024 --> 00:00:22,660
with billionaire convicted
sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein
7
00:00:22,674 --> 00:00:24,829
- and attended his infamous parties.
- _
8
00:00:24,854 --> 00:00:27,859
Sure, I told New York Magazine in 2002
9
00:00:27,884 --> 00:00:30,094
- that Epstein is a terrific guy.
- _
10
00:00:30,119 --> 00:00:31,547
But that was before I found out
11
00:00:31,549 --> 00:00:33,535
that I said later in the same sentence
12
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,162
that he likes beautiful
women on the younger side.
13
00:00:36,187 --> 00:00:38,520
I knew I had to cut off our relationship
14
00:00:38,522 --> 00:00:40,990
right then and several
years after there.
15
00:00:40,992 --> 00:00:43,592
Now, I've brought
someone who can confirm
16
00:00:43,594 --> 00:00:45,703
that we are very innocent.
17
00:00:45,728 --> 00:00:46,797
Hey, everybody.
18
00:00:46,822 --> 00:00:49,133
It's me, America's cold sore.
19
00:00:49,158 --> 00:00:51,008
Every few years, I pop up and remind you
20
00:00:51,033 --> 00:00:53,135
of your bad choices in the nineties.
21
00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:57,106
I have never been to
Jeffrey Epstein's home
22
00:00:57,108 --> 00:01:00,609
on 71st Street between Fifth
and Madison near Jody's Juice.
23
00:01:00,611 --> 00:01:02,644
Try the strawberry. It's delicious.
24
00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,754
And why would I go to Epstein's home?
25
00:01:04,779 --> 00:01:07,347
I don't want to be reminded
of the things I've seen there.
26
00:01:07,372 --> 00:01:10,039
Let's talk about the
so-called "Epstein Jet"
27
00:01:10,064 --> 00:01:12,321
on which Jeffy-Boy and his friends,
28
00:01:12,346 --> 00:01:14,734
- who know him as Jeffy-Boy...
- Jeffy-Boy!
29
00:01:14,759 --> 00:01:17,058
... allegedly committed vile acts.
30
00:01:17,060 --> 00:01:19,594
Sure, witnesses allege
we were passengers,
31
00:01:19,596 --> 00:01:21,496
but so was Kevin Spacey.
32
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,315
I don't think this Boy Scout
33
00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:25,434
would let anything
untoward happen up there.
34
00:01:25,436 --> 00:01:27,602
The only reason I was on that jet
35
00:01:27,604 --> 00:01:29,604
26... I mean, 4 times...
36
00:01:29,606 --> 00:01:32,908
was it was the best deal on Kayak.com
37
00:01:32,910 --> 00:01:36,578
And I promise I didn't smoke
a cigarette in the bathroom.
38
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:38,836
Which is the only law in the sky,
39
00:01:38,861 --> 00:01:40,594
according to our
attorney Alan Dershowitz.
40
00:01:40,619 --> 00:01:41,916
Dershy-Boy!
41
00:01:41,918 --> 00:01:44,518
He litigates like his
freedom depends on it.
42
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:45,853
And it does.
43
00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:48,969
You know, Bill and I may
disagree on healthcare
44
00:01:48,994 --> 00:01:50,657
- and criminal justice...
- Barely.
45
00:01:50,682 --> 00:01:52,894
... but we are unified against
46
00:01:52,919 --> 00:01:55,029
these all-but-undeniable accusations.
47
00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:58,066
In the end, aren't we all just Americans
48
00:01:58,068 --> 00:02:01,002
accused of the most
ghastly crime imaginable?
49
00:02:01,004 --> 00:02:03,037
And on an unrelated note, I am naming
50
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:05,606
a new Deputy Attorney
General... Jeffrey Epstein.
51
00:02:05,608 --> 00:02:07,041
I'm also pardoning him
52
00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:08,742
and having his mouth filled with cement.
53
00:02:08,744 --> 00:02:10,311
Don't you crack, Jeffy-Boy!
54
00:02:10,313 --> 00:02:14,281
We're sending a rope and potato
chips down that well! I promise!
55
00:02:14,283 --> 00:02:17,351
- Bill, you're my best friend!
- And you're mine!
56
00:02:17,353 --> 00:02:19,987
We're gonna get through this
together, little brother!
57
00:02:19,989 --> 00:02:23,412
I can't believe we almost
let Hillary tear us apart!
58
00:02:23,437 --> 00:02:24,958
This has been a message from
59
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,327
two Presidents of the United States.
60
00:02:27,329 --> 00:02:29,196
It's Joe's turn!
61
00:02:29,198 --> 00:02:32,366
There's not room for us both!
62
00:02:37,373 --> 00:02:39,572
Fifty years ago today,
63
00:02:39,574 --> 00:02:42,808
Buzz Aldrin and a
wise-ass talking monkey
64
00:02:42,810 --> 00:02:46,245
threw on some scuba gear,
boarded Apollo Creed,
65
00:02:46,247 --> 00:02:50,549
and shot up to the largest of
all our planets... the Moon.
66
00:02:50,551 --> 00:02:52,518
Buzz took some funny pictures,
67
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:54,786
and NASA left the monkey to die.
68
00:02:54,788 --> 00:02:56,989
The end.
69
00:02:56,991 --> 00:02:59,825
Wait! Wait! Wait! Shut up!
70
00:02:59,827 --> 00:03:02,495
- Sir, is everything...
- Shhh!
71
00:03:02,497 --> 00:03:04,830
- It's just...
- Shhhhhhhh!
72
00:03:04,832 --> 00:03:06,698
Holy shit! I forgot about...
73
00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:09,869
Spppppaaaace Foooorrrrccce!
74
00:03:09,894 --> 00:03:12,961
Space Force! Space Force!
Space Force! Space Force!
75
00:03:13,140 --> 00:03:17,242
We gotta do Space Force!
What happened to Space Force?!
76
00:03:17,244 --> 00:03:19,944
You sort of went on an
obstruction-of-justice bender,
77
00:03:19,946 --> 00:03:21,663
so we kicked it down the road.
78
00:03:21,688 --> 00:03:24,115
Mike, you garage-door
motor-brained moron!
79
00:03:24,117 --> 00:03:27,352
We could be blowing up stuff in
space right now, and instead...
80
00:03:27,354 --> 00:03:29,654
I'm commemorating
this Kirk Douglas-looking-ass
81
00:03:29,656 --> 00:03:31,056
space clown!
82
00:03:31,058 --> 00:03:32,924
Give me four hours,
and I'll have an update.
83
00:03:32,926 --> 00:03:34,992
Cool. Yeah. Take your time.
84
00:03:34,994 --> 00:03:36,827
It's not like I'm your boss or anything.
85
00:03:36,829 --> 00:03:38,896
I'm so excited!
86
00:03:38,898 --> 00:03:41,732
Are you excited? I'm excited!
Don't start. I gotta pee.
87
00:03:41,734 --> 00:03:43,268
It's starting! Forget it!
88
00:03:43,270 --> 00:03:45,102
I'll pee at halftime.
89
00:03:45,104 --> 00:03:47,438
Here is your update on
Space Force, an institution
90
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,107
I fundamentally disagree
with as a science skeptic,
91
00:03:50,109 --> 00:03:52,597
but no one listened when
I explained that 17 times,
92
00:03:52,622 --> 00:03:53,687
so here we go.
93
00:03:53,712 --> 00:03:55,912
Whoo-hoo! Space Force!
94
00:03:55,914 --> 00:03:59,483
Oh, man, I got to pee so
bad. I'm gonna pee in a cup!
95
00:03:59,485 --> 00:04:00,984
Next slide, please.
96
00:04:00,986 --> 00:04:03,720
The Defense Department's
legislative proposal outlines
97
00:04:03,722 --> 00:04:05,055
- a five-year rollout...
- Ah, geez.
98
00:04:05,057 --> 00:04:07,291
... beginning the start
of fiscal year 2020.
99
00:04:07,293 --> 00:04:08,592
The budget request is...
100
00:04:08,594 --> 00:04:10,594
- Ugh....
- $72.4 million...
101
00:04:10,596 --> 00:04:12,996
0.07% of the annual...
102
00:04:12,998 --> 00:04:14,531
- Ueeeghhh!
- ... D.O.D. budget.
103
00:04:14,556 --> 00:04:16,356
Mikey, I asked for Star Wars,
104
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,681
and you brought me Star Wars: The Book!
105
00:04:18,706 --> 00:04:20,948
I've read some Star Wars books.
They're actually pretty good.
106
00:04:20,972 --> 00:04:23,106
Pompeo, you're so far out of your lane
107
00:04:23,108 --> 00:04:24,940
that you've slammed into a Roy Rogers.
108
00:04:24,942 --> 00:04:26,909
Here are the questions I want answered.
109
00:04:26,911 --> 00:04:28,711
Will the rockets have thick, red lasers?
110
00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:31,747
Will the astronauts be
500-pound nutjobs with buzz cuts?
111
00:04:31,749 --> 00:04:34,317
Can we all get sweatshirts
that say "Space Force"?
112
00:04:34,319 --> 00:04:35,651
First, we need to lay
113
00:04:35,653 --> 00:04:37,786
the legislative and
budgetary groundwork.
114
00:04:37,788 --> 00:04:40,022
I'm so mad at you right now!
115
00:04:40,024 --> 00:04:42,258
Everyone, make sure
Pence drinks this cup!
116
00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:45,328
"Groundwork". What an asshole!
117
00:04:45,330 --> 00:04:46,830
Thank you all for attending
118
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:50,766
the 2019 Iowa Democratic
Party Hall of Fame Dinner.
119
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,124
See you at the Iowa Caucuses!
120
00:04:53,149 --> 00:04:55,170
What's the first thing you're
gonna do when you're president?
121
00:04:55,172 --> 00:04:57,506
I'm gonna give a speech
so lacking in substance
122
00:04:57,508 --> 00:05:00,675
that time freezes and I can
check out everyone's underpants.
123
00:05:00,677 --> 00:05:02,544
I'm gonna take off these wool socks.
124
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:05,224
Both my feet look like
the potato nobody buys
125
00:05:05,249 --> 00:05:07,763
because it's started to
sprout its own side potato.
126
00:05:07,788 --> 00:05:09,717
I'm gonna call Al Franken and say,
127
00:05:09,719 --> 00:05:11,586
"Can you believe you're
there and I'm here?"
128
00:05:11,588 --> 00:05:13,155
You all think I'm gonna do
129
00:05:13,157 --> 00:05:16,361
some Native American
celebratory dance, but I won't.
130
00:05:16,386 --> 00:05:19,549
My tribe values quiet
reflection over revelry.
131
00:05:19,574 --> 00:05:21,907
I'm gonna kick back
and teach myself Welsh.
132
00:05:21,932 --> 00:05:25,709
I'm gonna bring in a pig,
tell my staff it's the mascot,
133
00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:27,234
let them pet it...
134
00:05:27,236 --> 00:05:29,770
then jam an iron rod through
its frickin' forehead!
135
00:05:29,772 --> 00:05:30,782
- Holy crap!
- Jesus, Amy!
136
00:05:30,807 --> 00:05:32,239
What is wrong with you?
137
00:05:32,241 --> 00:05:34,475
Ohh, so when a man
138
00:05:34,477 --> 00:05:36,644
slaughters a pig in
front of his staff...
139
00:05:36,646 --> 00:05:38,312
- No!
- That's your defense?!
140
00:05:38,314 --> 00:05:40,781
- What about you, Cory?
- Oh, thank you for asking.
141
00:05:40,783 --> 00:05:42,716
- I'm gonna...
- I'm just messin' with you.
142
00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,251
You're not gonna be president!
143
00:05:44,253 --> 00:05:47,020
It's not funny!
144
00:05:47,022 --> 00:05:50,424
Good news is, one of us
will absolutely beat Trump,
145
00:05:50,426 --> 00:05:52,259
and nothing will change that.
146
00:05:52,261 --> 00:05:54,061
Good news for the White House tonight.
147
00:05:54,085 --> 00:05:56,731
President Trump's approval
rating is holding steady,
148
00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:58,790
and in key states, he's running even
149
00:05:58,815 --> 00:06:00,714
with many in the Democratic field.
150
00:06:02,831 --> 00:06:05,632
Daddy! I heard you made
Mike Pence drink pee!
151
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,491
Did he try to wash your feet again?
152
00:06:07,516 --> 00:06:09,982
Mike hasn't done a minute
of work on Space Force.
153
00:06:10,007 --> 00:06:12,375
This isn't like figuring
out which candy to keep
154
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:13,865
in a steakhouse men's room
155
00:06:13,890 --> 00:06:16,058
where you really got to
hunker down on the details.
156
00:06:16,101 --> 00:06:17,500
It's a space mission.
157
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:21,104
I'll talk to him. Which Equinox
does he belong to again?
158
00:06:21,106 --> 00:06:22,405
Forget it. It's just...
159
00:06:22,407 --> 00:06:24,407
every time I try to do something cool...
160
00:06:24,409 --> 00:06:26,409
like the wall or Muslim Ban...
161
00:06:26,411 --> 00:06:28,644
some nerd has to come
along and talk my ear off
162
00:06:28,646 --> 00:06:31,440
about whether it's actually
possible, as if I care.
163
00:06:31,465 --> 00:06:32,814
Ugh! Samesies.
164
00:06:32,816 --> 00:06:35,317
I tried to turn Jared
into Channing Tatum
165
00:06:35,319 --> 00:06:36,885
by taping human muscles to him,
166
00:06:36,887 --> 00:06:39,488
and some scientist was
like, "That won't work."
167
00:06:40,084 --> 00:06:42,417
Thanks for meeting
with us on short notice.
168
00:06:42,442 --> 00:06:43,786
We know you've got a lot of shade
169
00:06:43,811 --> 00:06:45,244
and clapback on your schedule.
170
00:06:45,246 --> 00:06:47,179
Everyone in my bubble
says Trump is doomed,
171
00:06:47,204 --> 00:06:48,703
but his poll numbers are steady.
172
00:06:48,728 --> 00:06:51,229
What did you learn from your
loss that can help us beat him?
173
00:06:51,254 --> 00:06:52,854
I didn't lose.
174
00:06:52,879 --> 00:06:55,631
I won the popular vote
and the presidency.
175
00:06:55,656 --> 00:06:57,523
- Uhh...
- Uh, I-I... Uh...
176
00:06:57,525 --> 00:06:59,157
The 2020 campaign
177
00:06:59,159 --> 00:07:01,792
brought back some bad
memories that she's coped with
178
00:07:01,794 --> 00:07:03,794
by breaking off into her own reality.
179
00:07:03,796 --> 00:07:05,273
One time, I tried to wake her up,
180
00:07:05,298 --> 00:07:06,831
and she bit me in the Adam's apple!
181
00:07:06,856 --> 00:07:08,088
I gotta kick you out.
182
00:07:08,113 --> 00:07:10,680
The "cabinet meeting" is starting soon,
183
00:07:10,705 --> 00:07:13,239
and I gotta put suits
and ties on the cats.
184
00:07:13,264 --> 00:07:16,499
Bill, please remind
the Secretary of Education
185
00:07:16,524 --> 00:07:18,268
to stop licking his asshole.
186
00:07:18,293 --> 00:07:20,790
This is some burden,
but I figure it's God
187
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:24,484
punishing me for all the things
I did and continue to do.
188
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:26,019
Secretary Fuzzy Wuzzy,
189
00:07:26,021 --> 00:07:29,922
I want boots on the ground
in Turkmenistan yesterday!
190
00:07:37,131 --> 00:07:38,898
You're watching "Space Fighters:
191
00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:40,265
Thick Laser Edition."
192
00:07:40,267 --> 00:07:42,568
Hey, Mister P-r-r-resident!
193
00:07:42,570 --> 00:07:45,203
I heard from someone who has friends
194
00:07:45,205 --> 00:07:47,139
that you're giving up on Space Force.
195
00:07:47,141 --> 00:07:49,708
Space Force is gonna be our most awesome
196
00:07:49,710 --> 00:07:53,078
quagmire-generating military branch yet!
197
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,713
And we are not just saying that
198
00:07:54,715 --> 00:07:56,615
because the defense aeronautics industry
199
00:07:56,617 --> 00:07:59,317
digs us another subterranean wine cave
200
00:07:59,319 --> 00:08:01,253
every time we utter the word "rocket".
201
00:08:01,255 --> 00:08:02,855
Rocket, rocket, rocket!
202
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:05,691
You really think Space Force
is worth more of my time
203
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:08,260
than tricking Pompeo
into eating a caterpillar?
204
00:08:08,262 --> 00:08:10,828
Being the president
who launched Space Force
205
00:08:10,830 --> 00:08:12,730
would be pretty cool...
206
00:08:14,901 --> 00:08:17,569
Hey, aren't you the president
who started a military branch
207
00:08:17,571 --> 00:08:19,337
that's in friggin' space?
208
00:08:19,339 --> 00:08:20,838
- Guilty!
- Holy shit.
209
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,408
The pizza's on me, sir.
210
00:08:23,433 --> 00:08:25,530
Hey, want to see what
the pepperonis look like
211
00:08:25,562 --> 00:08:26,718
before we chop 'em up?
212
00:08:26,743 --> 00:08:28,847
Goddamn right I do!
213
00:08:30,096 --> 00:08:31,804
Gentlemen... I'll reconsider.
214
00:08:31,822 --> 00:08:34,786
Hoo-hoo-hoo! That's the
spirit! Can I do a mission?
215
00:08:34,788 --> 00:08:37,389
I can't wait to find out
what zero gravity does
216
00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:38,723
to my jowl meat!
217
00:08:38,725 --> 00:08:42,259
Blblblblblblb-oglglgl! Blblblblblblb!
218
00:08:42,261 --> 00:08:45,196
Ted Cr-u-u-u-u-uz!
219
00:08:45,198 --> 00:08:48,232
Last night, I had a dream
that I won the nomination
220
00:08:48,234 --> 00:08:50,568
then lost all 50 states to Trump.
221
00:08:50,570 --> 00:08:52,837
I couldn't get one
senator's wife to hug me!
222
00:08:52,839 --> 00:08:55,406
I had the same dream.
Except for the last part.
223
00:08:55,408 --> 00:08:56,874
- Me too.
- Yeah, except for that last part.
224
00:08:56,876 --> 00:08:58,776
Yeah, no, definitely not that last part.
225
00:08:58,778 --> 00:09:01,212
Fuck it. I'm not letting
that nightmare come true.
226
00:09:01,214 --> 00:09:04,949
I'm throwing the race. The
presidency can eat my ass.
227
00:09:04,951 --> 00:09:07,852
- You're dropping out?
- No, you deaf shower fungus.
228
00:09:07,854 --> 00:09:10,388
I'm sittin' on millions in donor cash.
229
00:09:10,413 --> 00:09:12,724
I'm gonna Brewster's Millions this shit
230
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:14,892
until there's not a nickel left.
231
00:09:14,894 --> 00:09:17,896
It's not a bad idea. I'm
throwing my race, too.
232
00:09:17,921 --> 00:09:18,986
- Me too.
- Me too.
233
00:09:19,011 --> 00:09:20,631
Is anyone gonna try to win?
234
00:09:20,633 --> 00:09:21,998
- No.
- I don't know how to lose.
235
00:09:22,023 --> 00:09:23,190
Just keep doing what you're doing.
236
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:24,439
The question is now...
237
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:26,937
who's gonna be the best worst candidate?
238
00:09:28,674 --> 00:09:32,843
Look at space. So peaceful. So boring.
239
00:09:32,845 --> 00:09:34,577
Leave it to Pence to make deploying
240
00:09:34,579 --> 00:09:36,579
a sophisticated military apparatus
241
00:09:36,581 --> 00:09:38,849
in zero gravity sound complicated.
242
00:09:38,851 --> 00:09:41,457
For some people, it is complicated,
243
00:09:41,482 --> 00:09:43,248
but you don't have to worry about that.
244
00:09:43,273 --> 00:09:45,206
You're the guy who walks
into that boardroom,
245
00:09:45,231 --> 00:09:46,731
says whatever the hell you want,
246
00:09:46,756 --> 00:09:49,689
and leaves the minimum-wage
doctor nerds to figure it out.
247
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,849
You've thoughtlessly
blurted out amazing ideas...
248
00:09:52,874 --> 00:09:55,474
Trump Computer, Trump Milk,
249
00:09:55,499 --> 00:09:57,443
Trump Four-Legged Pleasure Doll.
250
00:09:57,468 --> 00:09:58,768
Those didn't work, Eric,
251
00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:00,903
and the milk was sharp to the touch.
252
00:10:00,905 --> 00:10:02,952
But this time is gonna be different.
253
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,074
Oh, really? How could you think that?
254
00:10:05,076 --> 00:10:09,145
Because I'm not thinking, Dad,
and you shouldn't, either.
255
00:10:12,735 --> 00:10:15,179
My fellow Americans, we choose
256
00:10:15,204 --> 00:10:18,341
to launch Space Force
before the week is out,
257
00:10:18,366 --> 00:10:21,366
not because it's easy...
which it is, Mike...
258
00:10:21,391 --> 00:10:24,091
not because aeronautic
defense contractors
259
00:10:24,116 --> 00:10:27,217
overpay their Mar-a-Lago dues 400%,
260
00:10:27,242 --> 00:10:30,503
but because it's cool as hell!
261
00:10:30,528 --> 00:10:33,595
Because that goal will allow
us to make sweet sweatshirts.
262
00:10:33,620 --> 00:10:36,321
Because that challenge
is one that will produce,
263
00:10:36,346 --> 00:10:40,403
if we're lucky, a big-ass
explosion in zero gravity.
264
00:10:40,428 --> 00:10:42,039
In conclusion...
265
00:10:42,064 --> 00:10:44,498
Spaaace Foooorce!
266
00:10:46,316 --> 00:10:48,360
As we all know,
267
00:10:48,385 --> 00:10:51,212
Pence's Space Force book
report was a snoozer,
268
00:10:51,228 --> 00:10:53,228
so I made a version that
covers the nitty-gritty
269
00:10:53,230 --> 00:10:54,897
but is still enjoyable.
270
00:10:54,899 --> 00:10:56,397
Lights...
271
00:10:57,801 --> 00:10:59,233
♪ Huah! Huah! ♪
272
00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:02,937
♪ Space! Force! ♪
273
00:11:02,939 --> 00:11:06,173
♪ Space Force, yeah! ♪
274
00:11:09,178 --> 00:11:13,047
♪ Space Force, yeah! ♪
275
00:11:17,954 --> 00:11:19,487
So, just do that.
276
00:11:19,489 --> 00:11:21,556
I assume there aren't any questions.
277
00:11:21,558 --> 00:11:23,791
Uhp, I see a few hands.
Bathroom's down the hall.
278
00:11:23,793 --> 00:11:25,459
What were we supposed to gain from that?
279
00:11:25,461 --> 00:11:27,528
Space Force is awesome. Next question.
280
00:11:27,530 --> 00:11:30,464
Why did the rocket explode at the end?
281
00:11:30,466 --> 00:11:32,266
Because it's awesome. Next question.
282
00:11:32,268 --> 00:11:33,667
Do we have the budget for this?
283
00:11:33,669 --> 00:11:36,103
Do you have the budget
for your shitty face?!
284
00:11:36,105 --> 00:11:37,638
Are there any cool questions?
285
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,806
Unlike your casinos, if this fails,
286
00:11:39,808 --> 00:11:43,544
you can't convert space into
an unlicensed pigeon sanctuary.
287
00:11:43,546 --> 00:11:46,713
We need a backup plan.
Or at least a plan.
288
00:11:46,715 --> 00:11:49,517
I'm gonna show you
turds how wrong you are.
289
00:11:49,519 --> 00:11:51,685
The following words are now forbidden...
290
00:11:51,687 --> 00:11:53,787
"plan", "details",
and "fully functional".
291
00:11:53,789 --> 00:11:56,023
Got it?
292
00:11:56,025 --> 00:11:57,525
I'm Rachel Maddow,
293
00:11:57,527 --> 00:12:00,221
and my lunch order mentions
the Teapot Dome scandal.
294
00:12:00,246 --> 00:12:02,910
A strange day on the Democratic
presidential campaign trail.
295
00:12:02,935 --> 00:12:04,664
It appears as though the candidates
296
00:12:04,666 --> 00:12:07,133
are tanking their campaigns
so none have to face
297
00:12:07,135 --> 00:12:09,135
Donald Trump in the general election.
298
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,386
Here are the highlights.
299
00:12:10,411 --> 00:12:13,273
If I could, I'd do the whole
Anita Hill thing over again
300
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:14,807
the exact same way!
301
00:12:14,809 --> 00:12:18,445
I want you all to meet
my mascot, Mr. Oinky!
302
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,413
As an African-American woman, I...
303
00:12:20,415 --> 00:12:23,144
You know who gets a bad rap? Stalin!
304
00:12:23,169 --> 00:12:26,819
I'm gonna turn meter maids into
mindless killing machines! Yes!
305
00:12:26,821 --> 00:12:29,922
If elected president, I will
get blackout at my inauguration,
306
00:12:29,924 --> 00:12:33,126
hop in my minivan, and sideswipe
the Washington Monument!
307
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:34,526
My pick for vice president
308
00:12:34,528 --> 00:12:36,696
is the next chipped-tooth motherfucker
309
00:12:36,698 --> 00:12:38,363
I run into on the street.
310
00:12:38,365 --> 00:12:41,601
Sir, you're about to be very happy,
311
00:12:41,603 --> 00:12:44,136
because we're here to look
at the first prototypes
312
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:46,371
for space-based weaponry!
313
00:12:46,373 --> 00:12:48,140
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
314
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,643
Is someone filming this?!
315
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,545
Very funny, Bolton. Now
show me the real spaceship
316
00:12:53,547 --> 00:12:55,815
with plasma railguns, command bridge,
317
00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:58,150
and bumper sticker that says
"My other ride is your wife."
318
00:12:58,152 --> 00:12:59,251
These are the weapons.
319
00:12:59,253 --> 00:13:00,753
That part there emits
320
00:13:00,755 --> 00:13:04,123
high-powered microwaves
and radio-frequency jammers.
321
00:13:04,125 --> 00:13:06,191
They're small due to
the payload capacities...
322
00:13:06,193 --> 00:13:08,060
Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah,
blah-blah, blah-blah!
323
00:13:08,062 --> 00:13:11,596
You all are really testing
my faith in humanity's ability
324
00:13:11,598 --> 00:13:13,652
to slaughter each other in space.
325
00:13:13,677 --> 00:13:16,868
Welcome to another
2020 presidential debate
326
00:13:16,870 --> 00:13:19,504
featuring the candidates
from the Democratic Party.
327
00:13:19,506 --> 00:13:21,673
I'm Anderson Cooper, and, no, I'm not.
328
00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:24,039
The candidates are
coming off a rough week
329
00:13:24,064 --> 00:13:26,511
but can hopefully redeem
themselves tonight.
330
00:13:26,513 --> 00:13:28,212
Mr. Vice President, why should you be
331
00:13:28,214 --> 00:13:30,458
President of the United States?
332
00:13:30,483 --> 00:13:32,617
Tonight ain't about why
you should vote for me...
333
00:13:32,619 --> 00:13:36,220
a man who Obama chained to
a radiator for eight years...
334
00:13:36,222 --> 00:13:38,256
but why you should
vote for someone else.
335
00:13:38,258 --> 00:13:40,892
I don't know, let's say,
overdue Medal of Honor recipient
336
00:13:40,894 --> 00:13:42,124
Pete Buttigieg!
337
00:13:42,149 --> 00:13:44,077
No, no, no. Don't vote for me.
338
00:13:44,102 --> 00:13:46,664
I'm just trying to get a
job outside the Midwest.
339
00:13:46,666 --> 00:13:47,818
This place sucks.
340
00:13:47,843 --> 00:13:49,399
Vote for a true patriot...
341
00:13:49,401 --> 00:13:52,302
my dear friend Amy Klobuchar!
342
00:13:52,304 --> 00:13:54,838
Fuck you! Don't vote for me.
343
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:58,736
I have a power drill under my
desk in case an intern sneezes!
344
00:13:58,761 --> 00:14:01,111
Elizabeth Warren, on the other hand,
345
00:14:01,113 --> 00:14:02,893
is a goddamn saint.
346
00:14:02,918 --> 00:14:04,902
Lizzy's not here right now!
347
00:14:04,926 --> 00:14:08,228
I'm the Dark Proggo,
fire prince of the night,
348
00:14:08,253 --> 00:14:09,553
swallower of souls,
349
00:14:09,555 --> 00:14:12,819
and the last thing children
see before they die!
350
00:14:12,844 --> 00:14:14,877
Actually, I would make
an excellent president,
351
00:14:14,902 --> 00:14:16,470
and here's why...
352
00:14:16,495 --> 00:14:18,895
Shut up! You're the worst!
353
00:14:21,365 --> 00:14:23,399
What are we watching here?
354
00:14:23,401 --> 00:14:25,899
- Doctors performing surgery?
- Wrong.
355
00:14:25,924 --> 00:14:28,792
We're watching doctors not thinking.
356
00:14:28,817 --> 00:14:31,184
Thinking gets in the
way of your body doing
357
00:14:31,209 --> 00:14:33,843
what it innately knows how to do.
358
00:14:33,845 --> 00:14:37,479
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're
thinking while doing surgery.
359
00:14:37,481 --> 00:14:40,149
Maybe a better metaphor
would be, uh, figure skating?
360
00:14:40,151 --> 00:14:41,517
Figure skaters have to think
361
00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:43,219
about every muscle in their body.
362
00:14:43,221 --> 00:14:45,654
Space Force is like surgery... simple.
363
00:14:45,656 --> 00:14:48,390
We just jam a busty,
scorpion-shaped space shuttle
364
00:14:48,392 --> 00:14:50,115
into a cannon and light the wick.
365
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,975
Can it be a regular shuttle
with a curvaceous scorpion
366
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,773
- painted on the side?
- Ugh!
367
00:14:54,798 --> 00:14:58,500
You're making the biggest
mistake of your life, but fine.
368
00:15:01,930 --> 00:15:04,072
Space Force in five...
369
00:15:04,074 --> 00:15:08,744
Four, three, two, one!
370
00:15:08,746 --> 00:15:10,846
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
371
00:15:10,848 --> 00:15:11,980
Here it goes!
372
00:15:11,982 --> 00:15:13,211
Why isn't it launching?!
373
00:15:13,236 --> 00:15:15,104
Because you just started counting down
374
00:15:15,129 --> 00:15:17,496
irregardless of the launch time.
375
00:15:18,479 --> 00:15:21,390
And that's when I knew
I would never be able
376
00:15:21,392 --> 00:15:24,426
to buy off-the-rack socks again.
377
00:15:25,763 --> 00:15:28,696
Spppaaaace Foooorrrce!
378
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:33,968
Don't explode, don't explode,
don't explode, don't explode.
379
00:15:33,970 --> 00:15:35,370
It didn't explode!
380
00:15:35,372 --> 00:15:37,739
Ha-ha!
381
00:15:37,741 --> 00:15:41,576
Mission control assures me
the rocket is dressed as a nun
382
00:15:41,578 --> 00:15:44,178
so no one suspects it's
about to kill someone.
383
00:15:44,180 --> 00:15:45,846
But this isn't just a victory
384
00:15:45,848 --> 00:15:48,683
for the good people at
Lockheed Martin, Boeing,
385
00:15:48,685 --> 00:15:51,700
and the now-rejuvenated
skull-shaped island market.
386
00:15:51,725 --> 00:15:54,160
It's a victory for thoughtlessness.
387
00:15:54,185 --> 00:15:57,524
Like the Iraq War or Obamacare website,
388
00:15:57,549 --> 00:15:59,181
from this moment forward,
389
00:15:59,183 --> 00:16:01,905
we will not think things through!
390
00:16:01,930 --> 00:16:05,170
Mr. President, weren't both
of those massive failures?
391
00:16:05,195 --> 00:16:07,974
Iraq? No, that was pr... No,
that was pretty bad.
392
00:16:07,999 --> 00:16:09,581
That website, though... N...
393
00:16:09,583 --> 00:16:11,549
No, that... That was bad, also.
394
00:16:11,551 --> 00:16:14,119
Uh, oh, uh, uh... Can you excuse me?
395
00:16:14,121 --> 00:16:16,321
Shit-shit-shit-shit,
shit-shit-shit-shit-shit...
396
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:19,691
A new poll shows the floundering
397
00:16:19,693 --> 00:16:21,426
Democratic presidential candidates
398
00:16:21,428 --> 00:16:23,695
all with 0% support.
399
00:16:23,697 --> 00:16:24,729
- Hey, hey!
- We did it!
400
00:16:24,731 --> 00:16:26,418
Congratulations, kids.
401
00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:29,168
I wouldn't wish Hillary's
fate upon anyone.
402
00:16:29,170 --> 00:16:32,285
If you want to be
Secretary of Transportation,
403
00:16:32,310 --> 00:16:34,506
you need to let Mommy give you a bath.
404
00:16:34,508 --> 00:16:35,973
On the Republican side,
405
00:16:35,975 --> 00:16:38,843
concern that President Trump
is leading the United States
406
00:16:38,845 --> 00:16:41,313
into a military quagmire in space
407
00:16:41,315 --> 00:16:43,589
has caused his poll numbers to slump.
408
00:16:43,614 --> 00:16:45,717
Hey, guys...
409
00:16:45,719 --> 00:16:48,218
what if Donald Trump
becomes vulnerable again?
410
00:16:48,243 --> 00:16:50,010
I told a bunch of schoolchildren
411
00:16:50,012 --> 00:16:51,992
I was gonna cut off their
faces with a meat slicer.
412
00:16:52,016 --> 00:16:54,807
If Trump's unpopular
and we're unpopular,
413
00:16:54,832 --> 00:16:56,565
who is America gonna vote for?
414
00:16:56,590 --> 00:16:59,024
Widespread opposition of
the major-party candidates
415
00:16:59,049 --> 00:17:02,388
has reactivated the
campaign of Starbucks CEO
416
00:17:02,390 --> 00:17:04,625
and nihilist sociopath Howard Schultz.
417
00:17:04,627 --> 00:17:06,426
- Aaaaah!
- Nooooo!
418
00:17:06,428 --> 00:17:09,561
I don't want to know. Is it bad?
419
00:17:09,563 --> 00:17:12,798
It's fine, as long as
the Chinese, Iranians,
420
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,500
and North Koreans play nice.
421
00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,237
Boom! Ha-ha!
422
00:17:18,239 --> 00:17:20,305
Felt that one in my tailbone!
423
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,441
Looks like you're gonna need to send up
424
00:17:22,443 --> 00:17:24,043
some more weapons, Don!
425
00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:25,377
You guys look great!
426
00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:26,854
Where did you get all that stuff?
427
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,749
Our friends Lockheed and
Martin took us shopping!
428
00:17:29,751 --> 00:17:30,950
Unrelated to this.
429
00:17:30,952 --> 00:17:32,785
No further questions, Your Honor.
430
00:17:32,787 --> 00:17:36,022
How quickly can we blast nine
more billion-dollar rockets
431
00:17:36,024 --> 00:17:37,356
into that powder keg in the sky?
432
00:17:39,694 --> 00:17:42,561
The president just launched
more rockets into space...
433
00:17:42,563 --> 00:17:44,363
an escalation that, history shows us,
434
00:17:44,388 --> 00:17:46,188
leads to an everlasting peace.
435
00:17:46,213 --> 00:17:48,646
Just kidding. It caused
a five-nation space war.
436
00:17:48,671 --> 00:17:51,372
Meanwhile, scientists
warn that space debris
437
00:17:51,397 --> 00:17:52,981
is falling at deadly speeds,
438
00:17:53,006 --> 00:17:55,012
just like the President's poll numbers.
439
00:17:55,037 --> 00:17:58,098
Great. We just turned
this into a three-way race.
440
00:17:58,123 --> 00:18:01,257
I haven't felt this lousy
since Patty Murray pantsed me
441
00:18:01,282 --> 00:18:02,971
on my first day in the Senate.
442
00:18:02,996 --> 00:18:05,417
Throwing this race
was a great idea, Amy.
443
00:18:05,419 --> 00:18:07,653
- I don't like that mouth at all!
- Whoa!
444
00:18:07,655 --> 00:18:08,987
- Hey, calm down!
- De-escalate!
445
00:18:10,891 --> 00:18:13,391
Are you... expecting someone?
446
00:18:13,416 --> 00:18:15,194
No.
447
00:18:17,064 --> 00:18:18,863
That's not someone.
448
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,699
That's some thing.
449
00:18:41,755 --> 00:18:43,788
Daddy's home.
450
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,656
- Aaaah!
- Noooo!
451
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,660
Holy shit! It's him! Hillary,
where do you keep your guns?!
452
00:18:48,685 --> 00:18:51,252
No guns, but I do have
the nuclear football.
453
00:18:51,277 --> 00:18:53,377
- Amy, get him!
- I looked him in the eye!
454
00:18:53,402 --> 00:18:55,069
I can't move!
455
00:18:55,094 --> 00:18:57,962
Behold the awesome power of a centrist
456
00:18:57,987 --> 00:19:00,988
who appeals to the 42% of Americans
457
00:19:01,013 --> 00:19:03,227
who identify as independent.
458
00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:04,944
Those voters could be independent
459
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:06,887
because they're far left
or they're far right,
460
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:08,645
you crazy-eyed bastard!
461
00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:10,803
Oh, yeah. Huh.
462
00:19:10,828 --> 00:19:12,884
Hm. It doesn't matter.
463
00:19:12,909 --> 00:19:16,109
By saturating Americans
with Starbucks for decades,
464
00:19:16,134 --> 00:19:18,294
I've primed them to support a candidate
465
00:19:18,319 --> 00:19:20,486
who is just as physically nauseating
466
00:19:20,511 --> 00:19:23,724
and economically criminal
as that terrible coffee.
467
00:19:23,749 --> 00:19:25,815
Americans are readier than ever
468
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,308
to get behind something that sucks.
469
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:31,125
They're ready for Howard Schultz.
470
00:19:31,150 --> 00:19:34,151
Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.
471
00:19:37,564 --> 00:19:39,399
Well, I'm gonna punch out for the day.
472
00:19:39,424 --> 00:19:41,958
If you guys need me, I'll
be just doing my thang.
473
00:19:41,983 --> 00:19:43,990
Oh, and, uh, if you left
your deck chairs outside,
474
00:19:44,015 --> 00:19:45,281
you might want to drag 'em in
475
00:19:45,283 --> 00:19:47,286
because it's really coming down today.
476
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,186
Sir, fiery metal chunks
traveling at the speed of sound
477
00:19:50,188 --> 00:19:51,768
- are falling from space.
- Oh, really?
478
00:19:51,784 --> 00:19:54,451
Well, are you sure Earth isn't
just going up into the chunks?
479
00:19:54,453 --> 00:19:55,886
I asked the same thing,
480
00:19:55,888 --> 00:19:58,087
but a guy with glasses
explained that it's not.
481
00:19:58,089 --> 00:20:00,423
I know, Pompeo. Okay? You
know why it's happening?
482
00:20:00,425 --> 00:20:02,009
Because you all spent so much time
483
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:04,059
focusing on the Space Force details
484
00:20:04,061 --> 00:20:06,128
that you lost sight of
the overall awesomeness!
485
00:20:06,130 --> 00:20:08,831
Sir, this is why you
always need a backup plan.
486
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,864
I thought I banned the P-word!
487
00:20:10,889 --> 00:20:12,333
You know, launching a program
488
00:20:12,358 --> 00:20:14,270
that incites an international arms race
489
00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:17,440
in a once-peaceful
frontier could've been fun!
490
00:20:17,442 --> 00:20:19,542
But you brainiacs ruined it!
491
00:20:27,118 --> 00:20:29,685
At least pizza will cheer me up.
492
00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:32,122
- One slice of pepperoni, please.
- Not for you.
493
00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:33,855
My boss is making me go up to the roof
494
00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:36,691
and clean up space junk thanks
to your brainless bullshit.
495
00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:39,194
Come on, man! I've had a rough day.
496
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,729
Just give me one?
497
00:20:40,731 --> 00:20:42,771
I'm gonna call the cops,
my dude. Take a hike.
498
00:20:42,796 --> 00:20:44,066
Fine. I'll go.
499
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:46,068
But only if you show me
what the pepperonis look like
500
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:47,336
before you chop 'em up.
501
00:20:47,338 --> 00:20:49,065
I'll take that secret to my grave.
502
00:20:49,090 --> 00:20:50,900
Now beat it before I kick your ass.
503
00:20:50,925 --> 00:20:52,774
Ugh! Not again!
504
00:20:52,776 --> 00:20:54,743
Jackie, where's the broom?!
505
00:20:56,347 --> 00:20:59,448
Look, Howard, I respect what
you've done with Starbucks.
506
00:20:59,450 --> 00:21:01,350
No one drives their employees insane
507
00:21:01,352 --> 00:21:03,285
with Norah Jones music better than you.
508
00:21:03,287 --> 00:21:06,287
But if you run, hell, you'll
hand the presidency to Trump.
509
00:21:06,289 --> 00:21:10,224
Joe, what are you talking about?
I'm already the president.
510
00:21:10,226 --> 00:21:11,859
What?
511
00:21:11,861 --> 00:21:13,694
"Instead of 'billionaire',
512
00:21:13,696 --> 00:21:16,497
I prefer you call me
a 'person of means'.
513
00:21:16,499 --> 00:21:18,366
President Howard Schultz"?!
514
00:21:18,368 --> 00:21:20,368
I'm too late!
515
00:21:30,813 --> 00:21:32,913
And in political news,
516
00:21:32,915 --> 00:21:35,115
space junk continues
to kill thousands...
517
00:21:35,117 --> 00:21:37,584
and President Trump's
re-election chances.
518
00:21:37,586 --> 00:21:39,953
Maybe mankind just wasn't meant to bring
519
00:21:39,955 --> 00:21:42,689
their mindless bloodlust to the heavens.
520
00:21:42,691 --> 00:21:45,225
- Yes, they are.
- John F. Kennedy?
521
00:21:45,227 --> 00:21:48,462
You're Congressman Joe
Kennedy III's great-uncle!
522
00:21:48,464 --> 00:21:50,530
What's that silver-tongued
spitfire like?
523
00:21:50,532 --> 00:21:52,065
No time for chitchat.
524
00:21:52,067 --> 00:21:53,867
I'm just killing time before I'm meeting
525
00:21:53,869 --> 00:21:56,403
the ghost of Jayne Mansfield
on Mike Pence's desk.
526
00:21:56,405 --> 00:21:57,904
When I announced we'd go to the Moon,
527
00:21:57,906 --> 00:22:00,140
I had no idea it was even possible.
528
00:22:00,142 --> 00:22:03,250
I was so goofed up on pain
pills that I just blurted it out,
529
00:22:03,275 --> 00:22:05,778
and, luckily, thousands
of eggheads made it happen.
530
00:22:05,780 --> 00:22:07,978
I wish Space Force was like that.
531
00:22:08,003 --> 00:22:09,948
It is. Just keep the faith.
532
00:22:09,950 --> 00:22:12,918
Us privileged white sons
of Nazi sympathizers
533
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,888
need not concern ourselves with details,
534
00:22:15,890 --> 00:22:18,424
because no matter how great our errors,
535
00:22:18,426 --> 00:22:20,459
how harebrained our schemes,
536
00:22:20,461 --> 00:22:22,528
how depraved our predilections,
537
00:22:22,530 --> 00:22:24,363
those who serve beneath us
538
00:22:24,365 --> 00:22:26,499
will provide a nice, soft landing.
539
00:22:26,501 --> 00:22:28,288
Is there a historical anecdote
540
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:29,768
that illustrates your exact point?
541
00:22:29,770 --> 00:22:31,904
Chappaquiddick. Look it up.
542
00:22:31,906 --> 00:22:35,374
I had a dream last night
Schultz ate our souls!
543
00:22:35,376 --> 00:22:36,475
- Me too!
- Me too!
544
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:39,145
We gotta stop him. Don't ask
me how. I'm a vague-ideas guy.
545
00:22:39,147 --> 00:22:41,914
We need someone smart,
someone who went to Stanford,
546
00:22:41,916 --> 00:22:44,550
won a Rhodes scholarship,
then attended Yale Law.
547
00:22:44,552 --> 00:22:45,584
- Oh, God.
- Shut up.
548
00:22:45,609 --> 00:22:49,755
This Schultz boob just jumped
into the race with no policies.
549
00:22:49,757 --> 00:22:51,657
If we want to go toe-to-hoof with him,
550
00:22:51,659 --> 00:22:53,291
we need someone equally thoughtless.
551
00:22:53,293 --> 00:22:54,360
She's right.
552
00:22:54,385 --> 00:22:56,862
Overthinking's what
got us into this mess,
553
00:22:56,864 --> 00:22:59,631
and underthinking is gonna get us out.
554
00:22:59,633 --> 00:23:01,667
Hmm. Who do we know that never puts
555
00:23:01,669 --> 00:23:03,902
a single thought into anything they do?
556
00:23:06,506 --> 00:23:08,774
Wow! And then he just went home?
557
00:23:08,776 --> 00:23:10,976
I'm not perfect, but
I'm not Ted Kennedy.
558
00:23:10,978 --> 00:23:12,911
I've made Jayne wait long enough.
559
00:23:12,913 --> 00:23:14,713
By the way, should you ever need
560
00:23:14,715 --> 00:23:17,648
the strongest barbiturates
known to medical science,
561
00:23:17,650 --> 00:23:20,585
look behind the painting
in the state dining room.
562
00:23:20,587 --> 00:23:22,449
If that's Jackie, uh,
563
00:23:22,474 --> 00:23:24,941
tell her I'm fighting for
civil rights or some crap.
564
00:23:24,966 --> 00:23:27,600
Hello? Every one of 'em?
565
00:23:29,650 --> 00:23:33,419
And behind Howard Schultz's
eyes, it's completely black.
566
00:23:33,444 --> 00:23:35,944
He doesn't feel like you and me.
567
00:23:35,969 --> 00:23:37,368
He's got acid for blood!
568
00:23:37,393 --> 00:23:39,901
Why would I team up with
you guys to take him down?
569
00:23:39,926 --> 00:23:41,839
You really want to go Mano-a-Mano
570
00:23:41,841 --> 00:23:44,976
with someone who thought less
about their campaign than you?
571
00:23:44,978 --> 00:23:46,410
Alright. Follow my lead,
572
00:23:46,412 --> 00:23:49,814
even though I have the barest
wisp of an idea where I'm going.
573
00:23:49,816 --> 00:23:54,050
♪ Space Force, yeah! ♪
574
00:23:56,455 --> 00:23:58,422
♪ Space Force! ♪
575
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:02,259
♪ Space Force! ♪
576
00:24:04,863 --> 00:24:07,030
So each and every one of you
577
00:24:07,032 --> 00:24:09,533
is dropping out of the race
and endorsing me?
578
00:24:09,535 --> 00:24:11,201
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
579
00:24:11,203 --> 00:24:13,937
I figured it would come
to this, just not so soon.
580
00:24:13,939 --> 00:24:17,874
How about some...
Starbucks to celebrate?
581
00:24:17,876 --> 00:24:20,070
How thoughtful. Anyone
else gonna partake?
582
00:24:20,095 --> 00:24:21,311
- Nope.
- No.
583
00:24:21,313 --> 00:24:22,846
Okay.
584
00:24:24,450 --> 00:24:26,883
Ahh. This was lovely.
585
00:24:26,885 --> 00:24:28,584
I'll be back with my designers
586
00:24:28,586 --> 00:24:30,120
who specialize in interiors
587
00:24:30,122 --> 00:24:32,622
that, once you enter, you
immediately want to leave.
588
00:24:32,624 --> 00:24:36,826
Idiot! I put JFK's horse
tranquilizers in that coffee!
589
00:24:36,828 --> 00:24:40,429
And as soon as you pass out,
we're shooting you into space!
590
00:24:40,431 --> 00:24:42,732
- Whoo-hoo!
- Take that, asshole!
591
00:24:42,734 --> 00:24:44,656
Why aren't you panicking?
592
00:24:44,681 --> 00:24:48,437
Starbucks coffee is so acidic
that it neutralizes the effects
593
00:24:48,439 --> 00:24:50,639
of even the most dangerous barbiturates.
594
00:24:50,664 --> 00:24:53,931
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna have you arrested
595
00:24:53,956 --> 00:24:56,477
for conspiracy to be
mean to a billionaire.
596
00:24:56,502 --> 00:24:58,345
Don't you mean "person of means"?
597
00:24:58,370 --> 00:25:01,603
"Billionaire" is my word. I can say it.
598
00:25:01,952 --> 00:25:04,619
Okay, Trump. What's your Plan B?
599
00:25:04,621 --> 00:25:06,835
Aww. You thought I had a Plan A.
600
00:25:06,860 --> 00:25:08,593
You're alright, Lizzy.
601
00:25:08,618 --> 00:25:11,293
Well, I guess this is it for all of us.
602
00:25:11,295 --> 00:25:13,562
If you guys want to take
anything from the White House,
603
00:25:13,564 --> 00:25:15,030
I got a crowbar in my desk.
604
00:25:15,032 --> 00:25:17,399
- Wait. But what if we just...
- It's over, Beto.
605
00:25:17,401 --> 00:25:19,668
Times like these, I feel
more grateful than ever
606
00:25:19,670 --> 00:25:20,836
that I have a girlfriend.
607
00:25:20,838 --> 00:25:22,971
- She doesn't exist!
- Shut up!
608
00:25:24,477 --> 00:25:27,412
Take me to the sheriff's
office. No lollygagging.
609
00:25:27,437 --> 00:25:29,488
Right away, future president.
610
00:25:29,513 --> 00:25:32,948
Finally. Someone gets it.
611
00:25:32,950 --> 00:25:35,202
What the hell are we doing out here?
612
00:25:35,227 --> 00:25:37,852
The pawn shop closes in 45 minutes.
613
00:25:37,854 --> 00:25:40,689
Sir, I knew you wouldn't
have a backup plan
614
00:25:40,691 --> 00:25:42,557
to take down Howard Schultz,
615
00:25:42,559 --> 00:25:45,126
and Earth would fly
off orbit into the sun
616
00:25:45,128 --> 00:25:48,597
if Americans lost faith
in their doughy, white men.
617
00:25:48,599 --> 00:25:51,485
So I came up with a plan myself.
618
00:25:51,510 --> 00:25:53,801
Please direct your
attention to the distance,
619
00:25:53,803 --> 00:25:55,870
where the hog-tied coffee magnate
620
00:25:55,872 --> 00:25:58,640
is loaded into a rocket headed for space
621
00:25:58,642 --> 00:26:01,175
in three, two, one!
622
00:26:01,177 --> 00:26:03,345
Blast off!
623
00:26:03,347 --> 00:26:06,881
- Whoo-hoo!
- Spaaaace Foooorrrce!
624
00:26:06,883 --> 00:26:09,416
Please explode, please
explode, please explode.
625
00:26:09,418 --> 00:26:11,946
- Whoo!
- Aww, it didn't explode!
626
00:26:11,971 --> 00:26:14,222
Not that I have a problem
with someone being
627
00:26:14,247 --> 00:26:15,994
in a confined space indefinitely,
628
00:26:16,019 --> 00:26:18,687
but aren't we kind of leaving
Schultz to die in space?
629
00:26:18,712 --> 00:26:20,979
Oh, he has enough
water and gerbil pellets
630
00:26:21,004 --> 00:26:23,738
to last him well past the 2020 election.
631
00:26:23,763 --> 00:26:25,929
Doesn't China, Iran, and North Korea
632
00:26:25,954 --> 00:26:28,002
have militarized spacecrafts up there?
633
00:26:28,027 --> 00:26:29,793
I read that in a French newspaper!
634
00:26:29,818 --> 00:26:30,818
Oh, yeah!
635
00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:38,479
But on the other hand, pretty
big-ass explosion, right?
636
00:26:38,481 --> 00:26:39,780
- Yeah!
- What a beautiful sight!
637
00:26:39,782 --> 00:26:41,948
Plus, you blew up a rocket.
638
00:26:41,950 --> 00:26:45,385
And when a rocket explodes
and you need more rockets,
639
00:26:45,387 --> 00:26:47,553
it's a beautiful thing.
640
00:26:47,555 --> 00:26:50,023
You guys look so good.
641
00:26:51,632 --> 00:26:53,666
You can't kill Howard Schultz.
642
00:26:53,691 --> 00:26:56,592
I was here before the world began.
643
00:26:56,617 --> 00:26:59,784
Ha ha ha ha. Ha.
644
00:26:59,809 --> 00:27:02,910
We felt bad Space Force didn't work out
645
00:27:02,935 --> 00:27:05,504
because you're crazy
dumb, so we got you this.
646
00:27:05,529 --> 00:27:06,661
You know what?
647
00:27:06,686 --> 00:27:09,973
A cool sweatshirt is all
I wanted the whole time.
648
00:27:09,998 --> 00:27:12,165
We'll, uh, see you
on the campaign trail?
649
00:27:12,190 --> 00:27:16,263
Yep! Until one of you wins, I
declare the election invalid,
650
00:27:16,288 --> 00:27:19,651
and we settle this in the streets.
651
00:28:17,850 --> 00:28:19,316
Trump!
652
00:28:19,340 --> 00:28:24,340
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
50332
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
