All language subtitles for Top Gear - Vietnam Special (2009) [1080p].eng

[ cheers and applause ]

Hello, hello,
Hello, everybody.

Hello, and welcome.

Hello, and welcome to a sea
Of disappointed faces,

Because these people
Have driven

All the way down here today
Only to find

That the show isn't actually
Coming from here today.

No, it is, in fact,
Coming from 6,000 miles away

Here in vietnam.

Yes, we were told to meet
In the center of saigon

And await
Further instructions.

So, sit back,
Enjoy the ride.

we arrived in saigon and got
straight down to business.

No.

Mel -- that was mel gibson.

Yeah, mel gibson is
"We were soldiers."

You're getting that mixed up
With "Hamburger hill,"

Which is where he sticks
The knife in the post.

No, you're right.

Private pyle
Was "Full metal jacket,"

Which was all shot
In the docklands.

Will you stop going on about
What I imagine are war films?

Ah, hello.

Challenge.
Thank you.

Uh...

"Since you can buy rolexes here
For a fiver

"And lunch for 50p,

"You're standing in the world's
Biggest pound shop.

"You should therefore have
No trouble at all

"Buying some wheels

For 15 million dong."

15 million?

I don't think --

Are these full of money?

[ laughs ]

15 million --
Wow!

Look at that!

15 million dong.

I love the smell
Of money in the morning.

Smells like wheels.

Ha-ha!

clarkson:
delighted that, for once,

the producers
had been generous,

we headed for the showrooms.

I love having
Inches of money.

but our joy was short-lived,

as james discovered

when he tried to buy
a bog-standard

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

may: even the back-street
car dealers

were no good.

Is it enough?

For what?

For a car.

For the car?

Yeah.

100 mill for the car.

You want to --

To buy.

To buy the car?

Yeah.

Oh, I cannot --

jeremy, meanwhile,
had become desperate.

Would you sell me
Your car?

Could I buy your car?

Sell me your car!

Please!

may: and hammond
had given up

and gone for lunch.

Nothing.

It is quite tricky.

Pull up a chair,
Have a seat.

What?

They're not very big.

No, you see,
I've said to you all along,

You two are the freaks --
This place

Is perfectly scaled,
I love it!

may: but hammond's joy
at fitting in the chairs

wasn't going to get us
out of our hole.

Clarkson: I'll tell you
The problem,

Is cars only came to vietnam
A few years ago, okay?

Four or five years ago.

They've got the 200%

Import tax on them.

They haven't had time

In the four or five years
Since they've been here

To get cheap.

So there are no bangers.

Everything's expensive,
And we're actually quite poor.

hammond: it did look like

we'd come a long way
for nothing.

but then james and I
had an idea.

No.

Go on.
No.

Look around us --
What do we see everywhere?

You know I can't do that.

What else is there?

Bet you can get
A bike for that.

I bet you can get
A lump

Of excrement for that,
As well.

That doesn't mean
I'm going to go --

It's transport
With an engine.

It's the only choice
We have.

No.

Look,
That's all we've got.

Bikes.

hammond: james and I
did have a point.

because cars are so expensive
in vietnam,

bikes are used here
as family saloons,

delivery trucks,
people carriers.

they're used for everything.

if you don't have
a bike here,

you're a nobody.

so, we took the plunge as well,
and, an hour later,

met up at
the american war museum

with our
cheap-as-chips wheels.

I bought this --
It's a minsk.

Russian, 125cc,

And it's, well, basically,

The ak-47 of bikes --
Rugged, simple,

Easy to repair.

It is built specifically
To be used

In countries
Where there are no roads.

It will be,
For whatever they throw at us,

Perfect.

May: I've gone completely native
And I've bought this.

It's an ancient
Honda 50 super cub,

The greatest motorcycle
In history.

Over 60 million of those
Have been built,

And it is a greater liberator
Of the people than...

Well, that american tank,
For example.

I've bought this,

Which is...
A motorcycle.

May: well, technically,
This is a scooter.

If you let go now,
It'll just fall over.

No, it's a got a thing
Called a stand.

You really don't know
Anything about bikes,

Do you?
Nothing.

It is actually

Very pretty,
But, also,

It's going to be useless,

Because whatever
The challenge is,

Tiny wheels
And looking good,

That's not
Going to help you.

Why are tiny wheels wrong?
Because the holes are big

And the little wheels
Go further into them.

What holes?
Well, holes in the road.

So you're going to be
"Oohing"

All over the place.

How many cylinders
Has it got?

One.
One.

One?
It's two-stroke.

clarkson: it was time
for the main challenge.

I promise you -- no,
I'm not interested in this.

May: "You'll now
Attempt to achieve

"In eight days

"What the americans
Failed to achieve

"In ten years --
Get from the south of vietnam

"To the north.

"You will ride from here
In saigon to ha long city

Near the chinese border,
Which is 1,000 miles away."

Wow!
That is excellent!

That is the best challenge
We've ever had.

That's fan--
I'm going.

Get these bikes started,
Let's go.

Honestly,

That is fantastic.

...Do that.

I just --
I can't do that.

I can't do --

Guys, I can't do that.

I can't ride a bike.

I honestly believed
that at some point

on our long
and torturous route,

one of us would be killed.

probably wouldn't be hammond,
though.

because unlike us two,
he at least

could get a helmet
which fitted.

The reason I don't
Ride a motorcycle

Is because I have
A large brain.

No, you have a big head.

The reason why
Crash helmets are small

Is because people who wear them
Haven't got a brain.

Otherwise,
They'd have a car.

may: since we were due to
set off the following morning,

jeremy and I
had to get helmets made

in a back-street metal shop.

Okay, bend.

[ speaks vietnamese ]

[ speaks vietnamese ]

may: with our orders placed,

richard and I
fettled our bikes

and jeremy hit the bar.

Do you know how
To start it?

No.
All right, get on.

Whoa, wrong side
Of the road!

Faster.

[bleep],
He's gonna die.

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

may: departure day,

and immediately
there was a problem,

because in the workshop
the night before,

my vietnamese hadn't been
as fluent as I thought.

Where did all those
Come from?

These? I can't really
Turn my head,

So...

You're not excited,
Are you?

No.

This is a great moment.

It's the beginning
Of an epic adventure.

[ engine starts ]
Come on, minsk.

Are you off, then?

This is it?
1,000 miles?

Yeah!

Right then, three,

Two,

One, we're off!

Hammond: if we were to reach
Our overnight halt

In the mountain town
Of da lat,

We had to get cracking,

Which is why james immediately
Shed some weight.

I've had to ditch me wok.

[ men speaking vietnamese ]

[ engine starts ]

Oh.

[ engine revs ]

[ men laugh ]

Stupid thing.

hammond: meanwhile,

james and I
were having a ball

in the madness of it all.

This is such a melee.

I've been riding bikes
For 25 years,

And I've never done
Anything like this.

May: I think
You just improvise.

It's amazing.

It just sort of works.

Do you know how
To start it?

No.
All right, get on.

Well, some vietnamese
People came, and I --

They just trod on it,
And it started.

Oi!

Whoa, wrong side
Of the road!

[ laughs ]

One, neutral,
Two, three, four.

There you go.

There you go...

You're getting it!

Yeah, it's only been an hour,
And I've done,

Well, three feet.

Hammond: that was a dog.

How does that work?

[bleep],
He's gonna die.

hammond: we were now on
the outskirts of saigon.

I'm glad we couldn't
Afford cars.

This is better.

There -- no, that's one.

No, there we go.

Yes, that's a gear.

a passing banker
had sold me his helmet,

which meant I was now

completely safe.

Sorry.

Oh, [bleep]

They're going down there.

Where are we going?

[ yells ]

[ horn honking ]

Is this your favorite place
In the whole world now?

Yeah.
Yeah, mine.

This is terrifying.

There's just bikes
Absolutely everywhere.

Oh, my god, there's one
Stalled in front of me.

Best motorbike I've ever had.

clarkson: this is
the only motorbike

I'd ever had,
and it was undrivable.

Oh, get into gear,
For god's sake!

Stupid thing.

Gearbox has a mind of its own,
There's no suspension...

It just wobbles.

I'm going along,
It's just wobbling all the time.

You're going the wrong way!

eventually, though,

I caught up with barry sheene
and his boyfriend.

Whoa!

Thanks for waiting, may.

Well, I did think,
I thought,

"Well, jeremy always
Waits for me,

So I'll not wait for him."

I thought you were
Just behind us.

You knew damn well
I wasn't just behind you.

and then I discovered

why my bike
was so undrivable.

That nut is as tight
As it can go,

And that is...

Loose.

the drive shaft was knackered,

which, on a vespa,
is bad news.

They're gonna have to change
The whole engine.

While they're doing that,

The front brakes
Are now being adjusted

So that they...Work.

still, at least my mates

wouldn't leave me behind
this time.

Oh, no,
What if we have to

Finish the whole journey
Without him?

Aw!

Aw!

clarkson: unsurprisingly
in such a bikey country,

a new engine was found
in minutes.

and so,
I rolled up my sleeves

and had some lunch.

You look at this
And you think,

"What noise did this make
When it was alive?

"Did it go, 'mmm'

"Or did it go,
'tweet, tweet, tweet,'

Or did it go, 'neigh'"?

I think it went,
'ruff, ruff!'

But it's delicious.

May: um, well,
I think this thing here

Is a sort of squid thing
With some...

Weird paste.

Don't like squid.

Okay,

Well,
You can have crab with --

I don't like crab.

Razor clams.

I don't like clams.

clarkson: by now, the workforce
had swelled considerably,

and as a result,

I was soon on the move again.

Okay, the wheel
Is no longer wobbling.

Got a new engine,
Got a new gearbox,

And it feels
Exactly the same --

Grummy, rubbish, useless.

hammond: as james and I made
smooth progress towards da lat,

we were reflecting
on the pedigree

of our bargain-basement bikes.

These bikes are quite a common
Sight all over the world,

And in certain places,
They're usually seen

With members of
The taliban on them

Carrying ak-47s
And rocket launchers.

May: this is

The wheels of asia.

Over 60 million of these sold,
So if you combine

The beetle, the model t,

All the versions
Of the toyota corolla,

And the mini,

You still haven't got as many
As you have of these.

clarkson: 40 miles back,

I couldn't care less
about my bike's pedigree.

Work!

Just work for one minute!

hammond: further up the road,
things were getting hilly,

which meant james

was having problems
with his honda's miserable

four-horsepower engine.

[ truck horn blows ]

Faster!

[ blows horn ]
We can do it.

May: ah!

[ blows horn ]
Faster!

Oh, god!

Aaaah!

And here we are again.

It's a lovely evening
In southeast asia,

As you can see,
And I'd be enjoying it

In any means of transport

Apart from the motorbike.

If somebody said to me,

"Would you like
To hop to hanoi?"

Yes, I would.

hammond: the last few miles
to da lat were really steep.

Just admit it!

You should have bought
A more powerful bike.

No, I'm not
Admitting it yet.

I'm still going.

I'm going to check it out,
See if it gets steeper.

I'm just coming to
A dignified failure.

She's going, she's going.

She's going.

That's it.

I've run out of gears.

I've run out of power.

clarkson: still, at least
he hadn't

put 15
"Quadrophenia"-style mirrors

right in front of
his own headlamp.

God almighty!

I'm riding along
With the headlight

Illuminating nothing
But my own face.

hammond: our meeting point
was a restaurant in de lat,

and james had worked up

quite an appetite
by the time he got there.

Well, I went to check ahead
If it got any steeper.

It did.

May: I know.

Where is he,
Do you reckon?

Don't know.

Do you think he's enjoying

His first
Biking experience?

I am the most miserable
Human being alive!

Where's this restaurant!?

Where is it!?

May: I quite like it here.

I like the way the roof's been
Made and the way the --

The sticks have been
Joined together.

Hammond: whoa!

Blimey!

Mate!

How are you?

Oh, congratulations.

Do you want a beer?
Yes.

We've drunk 'em.

But we'll get another.

clarkson: hammond
was loving my misery,

but I got revenge
by ordering set-menu b.

[ speaking vietnamese ]

What --
What is ran?

You haven't eaten anything
Since you got here, have you?

I have,
You just haven't seen me.

I've always been --

What have you eaten
Since you got here?

He had some corn flakes.

No, I was trying the --

Just in case
They were different,

Because I like
To try local...

Cultures and flavors,
And there may have been

Different cornflakes,

But I've been eating
Squid...Soup clam

Bamboo-shoot arrangement

Before you came --
I had!

Don't take this the wrong way,
Because colors assume

Different significance in
Different cultures. Stop talking.

Name an upside to this, may!

Name one upside!

That rain makes a really
Annoying noise on my colander.

Helmet.

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

Hammond: why?

Clarkson: morning.

Did you do this?
Yes.

Well, we just wanted
To make sure

It was strong enough,
And it wasn't.

Yeah, we were
Worried about you.

We were
Paralytically worried.

I was blind worried.

He was so worried
At the complications,

He fell over with worry.

How did you do it?

We tested it by putting it

Under the wheels of a lorry,

And look what happened.

You tested it?
Yes.

So, now, that's --

Ruined.
Yes.

Don't worry, though,

'cause we've just been
Out to town

And we bought you

Another one!

Don't take this
The wrong way,

Because colors assume

Different significance
In different cultures.

Stop talking.
No, seriously, in britain,

We think of that
As a feminine color --

Stop moving your face about
With noises coming out of it.

Here, it's the color
Of warriors.

He's not very happy with us.

but at least he was

happier than me,
because today,

I faced another 130 miles
of rough roads,

endless breakdowns,
massive discomfort,

and general peril.

still, at least
I'd been assured

it wouldn't rain.

Name an upside to this, may!

Name one upside!

May: well, you're not hot
Anymore, are you?

My light's dying!

It's dying,
My light's dying!

there was an upside, though.

richard's taliban bike

had decided it liked the rain
even less than me.

Come on, now.

[ grunts ]

[ thunder rumbles ]

That's not as effective
As I'd hoped it would be.

Oh, my god!

What the hell
Is going on in my life?

Why has my life
Gone so wrong?

It's good for you.

It's not!

It is.

Stop whining.

Hit that.
Maybe cheer me up.

Kill yourself.

May: ♪ I'll take you
Anywhere you want to go ♪

♪ ride my honda tonight ♪

I hate you!

♪ first gear,
It's all mine ♪

♪ second gear,
Rhymey-rhyme ♪

♪ third gear,
Hold on tight ♪

clarkson: all I could hope for

was that captain beach boy
would have a disaster

on these awful flooded roads.

[bleep]

This is a massive,
"Oh, [bleep]"

How can it have run out?

That rain makes a really
Annoying noise on my colander.

Helmet.

And it comes through.

[ thunder rumbles ]

clarkson: on his
much-faster minsk,

hammond had passed
his old mate james,

not stopped to help,

and caught up with me.

Ha-ha-ha!

Sorry!

Don't stop.

He's enjoying it.

He is...
Enjoying it.

He is.

This nice man has stopped

On an old russian motorcycle,

And I think he's going to
Give me some petrol.

What a nice man.

In fact, I think I'll pay him.

Me dong's gonna be all soggy,
Isn't it?

hammond: at the filling station

further up the road,
jeremy and I had pulled over

because my clutch cable
has snapped.

You see, my clutch
Should be there,

And it isn't.

this became a big problem
for all of us.

James!

May, there's bad news.

What?

The producers have got fed up
With us just replacing parts

Willy-nilly on our bikes.

You two, you mean.
His clutch cable went,

He just went and bought one
From in there.

Yeah.
So, they say that

If our bikes go wrong again,
We can't just keep them going

With tools.

They've provided
Back-up transport.

Excellent.

clarkson: "Excellent" turned
out to be the wrong word.

Ooh.

Oh, my god.

Oh-hoh.

Oh, yes, that is a bit --

Oh, god, I don't think so.

It's slightly conspicuous.

♪ born in the usa ♪
That's "Born in the usa,"

Evidently.

[ thunder rumbles ]

That's thunder,
And the village.

[ laughing ] I mean,
There's a rumble of thunder,

And the village arrives.

clarkson: amazingly,
all our bikes

suddenly worked perfectly.

This is staggeringly good.

We are in the clouds.

clarkson: by nightfall,
we were on the downhill run.

the lightning was biblical

and, from my point of view,
quite useful.

Oh, no!

No! No, my light!

My light!

eventually,
we careered into nha trang.

Hold on, james.

Hammond: holy-crapoly!
What do we do here?

James just went
Straight out, then.

it had been
another hateful day.

Hammond: wow!

Lightning.

[ thunder rumbles ]

clarkson: so, I decided
to cheer myself up

by buying richard hammond
a small present.

"If I can just stand this,
It'll warm up,"

And then it does,
And you think, "Oh, nice."

That's what it's like
Coming down the hill.

Yes, exactly right.

What?

Bloody hell.

There you go.
What, is that --

There you go,
Nice present.

That's for me?
Yeah.

Why?

Well, because I thought
It would look good

In your hall
In your new house.

Have you seen
The detailing on it?

I mean, look at the bridge.

I see what you've done.

If you had a car,
You'd pop it on the back seat

Or in the boot.

Yeah, I've seen
What you've done here, now.

[ laughs ]

clarkson: we plowed on
northwards

with the monotony broken

only by a light sprinkling

of massive discomfort.

Ahhh!

Nearly 90 degrees...

75% humidity.

in fact,
after a day and a half

of solid riding
in this sweat box,

our clothes were so rank,
we decided to get some more

in the town of hoi an --

vietnam's saville row.

Buying off the peg
In vietnam,

Let's be honest,
Is all right for you.

But the trousers --

Gonna be an issue for you,
Yeah, I'll grant you that.

Possibly in other areas,
The girth.

This is cashmere?

Yes. And how much is this?

The whole suit,
$125 u.S.

A cashmere suit?

Yes.

For...£70?

What, a whole suit,
Or just the buttons?

The whole suit.

Made-to-measure?

How long does it take,
Though?

It take one day to finish.

A day.

So we can have
Any style?

Yeah, any style.

And any material?
Yes.

Right, lads.

I'll have some time
On my own.

[ laughs ]

Linen, not good.

It makes you look
Even fatter.

This is chinese brocade.

Chinese brocade?
Yes.

I don't know what that is.

Don't really know
What I'm doing here,

'cause I'm not...

Very fashion-conscious.

Your suit's ready.

Here it is.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, that's very nice.

It's perfect.

They're measuring
The biceps now.

Tape measure's
Not long enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Of course.

If she leaves
That tape measure

Under my armpit any longer,
It'll rot.

[ laughter ]

Clarkson:
with our suits underway,

I decided to go for some
tailor-made shoes, as well.

which turned out to be
extremely good fun.

since our new wardrobe

wouldn't be ready
till morning,

richard and james suggested
we go to the beach

with our stupid bikes.

Why are we doing this?

I've fallen off it!

I've fallen off!

Come on.

Ya-hey! This is great!

Yeah.

happily, however,
I soon found

a typical vietnamese hotel

where I could revert
to being a human.

[ bike engines racing
In distance ]

Ooh!

♪ born in the usa ♪
Not now!

♪ I was born in the usa ♪ not
Now, not while that's there!

Yes! No!

Ye-- no!

Aw.

Oh!

Ah!
Whoa!

May: every time
I change down,

Darcy clangs me
With her breasts.

That's not a complaint,
It's an observation.

may: the next morning,
we picked up our clothes

from the tailors
and hit the highway.

When I said I wanted
The sort of thing

The locals would wear to work,
I was thinking more...

Working in a shop
Or working on a building site,

Not working in an embassy
Or going to a formal reception.

It's brighton beach.

1965, mods and rockers.

richard had a new look, too,
but, sadly,

not a new bike,
because, annoyingly,

the minsk had dried out.

Love your work!

Is that a smoking jacket?

Is that a mod cut?

Ah, yeah,
Full phil daniels.

Check out the lining!

Woh-hoh-hoh! Clarkson: as usual,
However, there was one small problem.

I feel my new mod look
Has been spoiled slightly

Because somebody has written
"Penis" on my helmet.

I did that.

as we headed for
the ancient capital of hue

on this superheated highway,

james started
to fall behind again,

and all jeremy and I
could think to do

was buy him a present.

something nice and heavy.

It's depressing,
Being at the back.

I think he needs
A cheering up.

My thoughts exactly,

Which is why we've come

To kerry katona's
Front room.

"Right-o, lovely, this."

Um...Leaping dolphins...
What about these lions?

Woman:
This is a modern thing.

He's not modern, is he?

No, he doesn't do modern.
He won't like that.

No, he's very --
Old-fashioned.

May, welcome.

Thanks for waiting.

We decided
To buy you a present.

[ clears throat ]

You're standing
Right next to it.

That?

We though about that
Long and hard.

Seriously,
It's classical.

It's a ballet, and we know
That you like the ballet.

So you have actually
Thought about it.

Long and hard.

And that's
A real present.

[ grunts ]

I need some straps.

clarkson: with darcy bussell
on the back

of his bike,
james was being

even more careful
than usual.

which is more
than could be said

of hammond.

[ thud ]
Oh!

Ah!
Whoa!

My galleon!

All your masts
Have come off!

They're all down!

Hammond: I can fix it.

I can fix that.

He'll never notice.

Clarkson: toll booth.

Motorbikes go free.

What's he done?

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Hammond just hit
The sign in the tollbooth.

I know,
That bloke's furious.

clarkson: then the vespa
came over all italian again.

Do you know something
Very interesting?

What's that?

My bike isn't broken,
Still.

You're not going to
Believe how they mended it.

With a hammer?

Got a plastic bag,
Filled it with weeds,

And have wedged
All the electrics...

So they can't
Jiggle about.

See that mountain
Up there, james?

Yep.

We're going up that.

Right.

I'll wait for you
At the top.

clarkson: the mountain

was a bit of a surprise,
because you expect

to find many things
when you come to vietnam --

communistical farming,

reminders of the war,
stunning food,

massive heat.

what you don't expect to find

is a deserted ribbon

of perfection --
one of the best coast roads

in the world.

It's gone!

Hammo, it's gone again!

It's gone.

You know we mended it
With weeds.

Your weed bag, yeah.

The weed bag
Doesn't work.

mind you, there are worse
places to break down.

We go around the world,

But some of the stuff here.

Yeah.

It's making my hair
All stand on end.

And there's nobody there --
Oh, I'll tell you who is here.

Has he arrived?

It's not a majestic sight.

May?
Yes.

Seriously,
Look at that view.

That's fantastic.

James?
Yes.

Have you got
His present,

Or do you know
Where it is?

I put it in the camera bag.
Oh, good.

All right, okay.

Have you really got me a present?
Oh, yes.

We've both been amazed that,
In your first bike ride,

I think, to come up here
On this road,

You deserve your present now.

James, present him.

Your present.

That is very...

Striking, chaps.

Funny enough,
That's the word I used.

And I shall try
To look after this, hammond,

A bit better than
You're looking after

The galleon
That I gave you.

50 miles to hue.

Down into second
For the difficult hairpin...

Oh, yes, knee down.

May: every time
I change down,

Darcy clangs me
With her breasts.

That's not a complaint,
It's an observation.

clarkson: we thought as we got
to the bottom of the pass

that we'd be back
in the chaos.

but no.

[ outboard engine running ]

That image really is

A metaphor for vietnam --
The mountains, the coastline,

The big new engineering project,

And the traditional
Fishing scene down here.

With that soundtrack.

It is a fabulous country.

It really is.

that night, in the hotel,

hammond set about mending
his treasured galleon.

Hammond: I think I may have to
Cut some of the rigging,

'cause it's...

clarkson: meanwhile,
to pay him back

for breaking it
in the first place,

I decided to redecorate
his treasured bike.

You know...

He will be apocalyptically
Cross about this.

Oh, I know, but he's cross
About everything,

So it doesn't really --

Oh-hoh-hoh.
[ laughs ]

Let's have a go.

[ laughs ]

Oh, yes.

xin chao.

You like?

Would you like
To do some?

Would you like to do some?

Pink.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

If he asks, we'll just say,
"Well, the chef did it."

If you painted the back,
He'd be furious, down there.

Do you have a pencil
I could borrow?

Pencil?
Pencil, yes.

Now look what's happened.

The whole town has turned out

To paint richard hammond's
Bike pink.

James and I are doing
Everything possible

To stop them.

Please don't do this.

May: I've given up
Trying to tell them.

[ speaking vietnamese ]

You missed a bit there
That you mustn't do, as well.

Ah.

You can't just go --

May: hang on,
Has she painted her own bike?

No, it isn't hers.

It's not h--

What's happened is

Is she's got
Hold of this pink paint

And decided everything
In the entire car park

Needs painting pink.

[ laughs ]

You will therefore take
A vietnamese driving test."

Jeremy clarkson, fail.

Oh!

Jeremy clarkson, fail.

Jeremy clarkson,
Fail.

[ laughs ]

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

clarkson: the sun rose

over another beautiful day
in the 'nam,

but among us three,
the atmosphere

was a little tense.

I told you
He'd be furious.

Can they really not organize
A bloody junction

Better than this?

No, I know he's cross,

But I told him
The chef did it.

Did he not believe you?
No.

Funny, that.

[ thud ]

Oh, dear.

clarkson:
despite richard's mood,

we were told to report to
a nearby government building

for a challenge.

I think it looks good.

It matches
Your helmet now.

Yes,
I have spotted that.

That's the point,
Very good, yes.

No, I am sorry.

We did everything
In our power.

You know
We're your mates.

Anyway,
We need the challenge.

He is cross,
But just read the challenge.

It'll be "The person
With the pinkest bike wins,"

I bet you.

"The person with
The pinkest bike should" --

No, it doesn't
Actually say that.

What does it say?

"You're about to enter

"What was north vietnam.

"It's as well
Your papers are in order.

You will therefore take
A vietnamese driving test."

Well, that'll just be
One of those joke ones.

You know the egypt one?

Forwards and backwards
Six feet.

Cheer up.

This is gonna be a doddle.

[ speaking vietnamese ]

it wasn't.

first,

we had to take
an oral theory test

in vietnamese.

[ speaking vietnamese ]

Uh, please?
May.

May.

[ clears throat ]

Stand up, stand up, stand up.

[ laughter ]

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Ah.

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Oh, no.

Yes.

[ laughter ]

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Always give way to the car
From the right.

[ laughs ]

You have
A one-in-a-hundred chance

Of being right there,

But you're in
The wrong language.

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Uh...

[ speaks vietnamese ]

[ speaks vietnamese ]

How the hell did --
What did you just do?

18, 18 years old.

How did you know?

'cause you're allowed
To ride your motorbike,

You get your license
At 18.

But --

That's "Hoi tam."

How did you know
What she was asking --

Did you not bother
Learning vietnamese

Before you came here?

Well, no.

You're screwed, then.

may: so, only one of us
had shone in the classroom,

but in the practical test,
things would be better.

See, you have to ride
In a figure of eight,

And then you can go out
And ride

On ho chi minh's highway.

That's it.

So if you touch the white lines,
You fail.

may: barbara cartland
went first.

Richard hammond.

Ooh, that's me.

May: it's quite tight.

...Seriously not driving
An enormous motorcycle.

Ooh, it's harder
Than it looks.

Is he doing well?

Good?

Richard hammond, pass.

You passed!

You passed!

James may.

Hammond: he'll love this --
It's all about precision,

Going slowly
And being accurate.

Clarkson:
Going the wrong way.

What --
[ laughs ]

It's good spectator sport,
Though, isn't it?

It is,
They're loving it.

They're really loving it.

Man: james may,

Pass.

Jeremy clarkson.

Yes, yes, yes.

Ah, got the angle right.

Ah!

Ah!

Whoa, that's not right.

Hammond: what he's doing

Is, rather predictably,
Going too fast.

This is just impossible
On these wheels.

They're too small.

Jeremy clarkson, fail.

You failed.

I've only been riding a bike
Five days.

happily, in vietnam,
if you fail,

you are allowed to try again --
immediately.

Hammond: he's spent

Less time in the circle

Than he has

Out of the circle.

Oh!

Man: jeremy clarkson, fail.

[ laughs ]

clarkson: obviously,
it was the vespa's fault,

so I had a go on the cub.

Give it gas, man.

There you go.

Clarkson: your big wheels
Are helping

Massively here.

May: you can't
Scoot it along.

Hammond: oh,
This is disastrous.

How's he ridden this thing?

Man: jeremy clarkson, fail.

Hammond: is he
The most ridiculous

Human being in the world

Currently or ever --
Ever -- ever previously?

Yes.
Yeah.

We're going to have to
Get going.

May: but we haven't
Got a license.

Well, that's 'cause
You failed your theory.

You haven't been
Granted a pass

For your practical,
It's pathetic.

But as a team -- as a team,
We've done both halves of it.

As a unit,
We are licensed.

We can have
A "Top gear" license

With all our faces
On it together.

May: no!

Oi!

I am sorry, james, I am.

You're not sorry --
Please shut up.

clarkson: to apologize
for darcy's head,

I bought james some flowers

and then we headed
out of of hue.

[bleep]

You've knocked
One of my mirrors off!

even though we were
against the clock,

we felt we had to stop
at the citadel,

scene of one of
the fiercest battles

in the vietnam war.

Bullet holes everywhere.

Hammond: yeah.

I mean, everywhere you look,
It's just --

You can track them as well,
Can't you, sometimes?

That's machine-gun fire,
Look.

Yeah, there it goes.

I think for most people,
Vietnam is a war,

Not a country.

Yes.

And this was pretty much

The epicenter.

May: it's nice that
They haven't restored it.

That's a better memorial
Than anything else, isn't it?

Clarkson:
it was now day six

of our epic road trip,
and the finish line

was still more than
400 miles away.

what's more,
the traffic was getting worse.

You can tell we're getting
Close to the north.

What, more bikes?

Well, a lot more bikes.

the heat was worse than ever,
and even james's cub

was starting
to feel the strain.

That's just not as sweet
As it was this morning.

clarkson: progress, then,
was slower than ever,

and over lunch,
the penny dropped

with a horrible clang.

Rice...
Yeah.

Those are bamboo shoots.

Yeah.

And that's meat.

Some meat.

Guys?

Yeah?

We can't make it.

If you think how far
We've come so far

And how far we've got --
Well, about halfway...

Well, thinking about it,
Probably that day spent

Playing on the beach
And having a massage

While we had our suits made
Wasn't actually good --

No.
No.

We can't just give in.

So, what are you saying,
We must try harder?

No. We must find a way of
Making the bikes faster.

No.
Cheat.

Yeah.

Wafer-thin sparrow?

No, I'm fine.

[ french accent ]
One little wafer-thin sparrow.

No, I'm fine.

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

clarkson: we decided
to take an overnight train

to ha long city,
which is something

the americans
never thought to do.

but we couldn't celebrate
our ingenuity, because,

at the station,
james was a bit upset

that my spare wheel had
come through my painting.

May: now look
What you've done.

What, I did it
On purpose?

Hammond paid for it,
And it was...

Well, we won't tell you
How much it was,

But it was
Quite expensive.

You're not making me
Feel any better.

Well, how do you think
we feel?

Let's not get bogged down,
"Who did what to whom."

No,
'cause you did all of it.

[ whistle blowing ]

Hammond: come on, buffalo.

Clarkson: wait, wait, wait.

Ooh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

May: in the night,

Can you water
The flowers for me?

[ whistle blowing ]

Sorry.

Clarkson: yeah,
A tire went through it.

Sorry.
It's --

clarkson: james had bought
the tickets, and great news

for license-payers --
they were for

third class.

13 hours.

There are people sleeping.

13 hours.

How long have we done?

Four minutes.

Getting to it.

clarkson: we decided to pass

the rest of the time
by mending

each other's presents.

clarkson: in the morning,
the train was approaching

our destination.

James is going to be

Extremely pleased with --

Not so much with this,
But the surgery

On her shoulder --

That is the work
Of a top doc.

It's difficult, really,

To explore
The allegorical significances

And layers of the painting
When I'm, well, sober.

What you've done is,
You've painted a land rover

In the middle
Of my vietnamese scene.

Yeah.

Mind you, you're in for
A big surprise when you see

What may's done
To your galleon.

It's not brilliant, mate,
If I'm honest.

And what are these?

Chopsticks.

But what are they
Representing?

Oars.

It's a chinese junk.

It's the best I can do
With the bits that survived

And stuff I could buy
From the woman with the trolley.

clarkson: finally,
two days early,

we arrived in ha long city.

Where's her hand?

I've completely
Lost it.

[ horn blows ]

Clarkson: let me get this
Out of the way, sorry.

This is heavy,
Presumably.

Darcy's head's
Come off again.

May: don't touch it.

Okay.

Clarkson: this has been
The clumsiest arrival

At a finishing point...

Hammond: it hasn't been
An elegant arrival,

But we are at
The finishing point.

It's very odd,
Is it hotter here than it was?

Why isn't there
A sea breeze?

How do you spell "Ha long"?

H-a l-o-n-g.

It's two words,

It's g-a, I think that means
"Train station,"

I think, "Ga."

Hanoi.

Ha -- hey --
Hanoi.

God.

Where did you
Buy tickets to?

There's nothing wrong
With the tickets.

Well, clearly,
We're in the wrong place.

Yes, but --

Ha long city.

Ha long city,
Ha long city.

You chose the platform.

You said,
"I know where it is."

There's one platform, james,
There's one line.

No, there's a line
Either side of the platform,

Like there often is
On a platform.

hammond: a quick look
at a map showed us

the scale of my colleague's
cock-up.

There is ha long...

Yeah.

There is hanoi.

Well, we're miles away.

We have to go
Along there.

It's a day's ride.

Well, everyone,
Welcome to hanoi.

"Oh, no, I'll go
And get the tickets,

"I know what I'm doing,
I understand

Public transport."

May: "No, no, trust me,

I promise you
It's this platform."

Clarkson:
to make matters worse,

The traffic was more mental
Than ever.

I'm utterly alarmed here.

I've never been
More imperiled...

but we were ahead of schedule,

so we went for breakfast.

These are chicken innards --
Well, actually,

It doesn't say innards,
It says, "Chicken" --

"Internals."

"Internals."

We've ordered
Pickled pig's ear

With vegetables
Dipped in seasoning sauce,

Spelt wrong.

hammond didn't fancy
any of that

and nor did he go for
the main course.

Speak of the devil,

The sparrows have arrived.

Oh, look at that.

Wafer-thin sparrow?

No, I'm fine.

[ french accent ]
One little wafer-thin sparrow.

No, I'm fine.

Clarkson:
but after seven days,

he had to eat something.

Good news.

Richard hammond
Is eating rice.

It's rice krispies,

But...

Is it rice?

Yes. Am I eating
It with chopsticks?

Yes. Than I am native
And local as you.

I am now boldly going where
No american has been before.

Ah!

Hammond: ha long and hanoi
Are two big cities.

I doubt they're connected

By a three-foot wide

Dusty path
Covered in hay.

I think -- you know when we got
To the 16th century,

I think we turned left.

We should have gone right.

Now we're in
The 13th century.

[ dog barks ]

Well, we are completely lost.

Yeah, we're finally
Admitting that.

Yes.

Even I will admit

This is not
The main road from...

Ha long --
Hanoi to ha long.

May: xin chao.

xin chao.

Where is ha long city?

No, no.

This isn't ha long city,
Is it? No.

I like being lost here.

Yeah, this is a nice place
To be lost.

Hello, hello!

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Here.

[ laughs ]

clarkson: eventually,
though...

We found a road.

it really did look like
we were gonna make it.

I've always said
To my children

That if they buy a bike,
I will burn it,

And if they replace it
With another one,

I shall burn that, too.

Now, however,
If they buy a bike,

I will completely understand.

And then I'll burn it.

with just 50 miles to go,

hammond went berserk.

Ahhhhhhhh!

The speed!

He's just a prat.

and, happily,
he paid the price.

Oh, no!

No, no, no,
I'm breaking down!

♪ born in the usa ♪ hammond: bruce
Beckoned, but having come this far,

I wasn't going to give in.

Not the tank.

Plenty of fuel.

It's not that.

happily, jeremy plowed on.

Now I'm motoring.

Oh, yeah.

hammond: and without his

hammer-fisted approach
to pretty much everything,

we'd have the bike
mended in a jiffy.

I'm in gear --
Oh, grab me!

Ow!

I've just put my head
In your crotch.

You've simultaneously
Head-butted me

In the gentleman's region

And snapped the prow
Off the galleon,

You complete numpty,
Hammond.

[ laughs ]

I am now boldly going where
No american has been before.

Ah!

hammond: unaware
that we had a man down,

we were even still buying
each other silly presents.

[ inhales ]

Ooh, ooh.

So, there we are.

It's my first bike crash.

I'm a member
Of the club now.

Don't like it.

Hate biking,
It's a stupid idea.

So, the sitrep is,
My foot hurts quite badly

'cause the bike
Landed on it.

I've got cracked ribs,
Probably,

My elbow's ruined,
But look at my suit!

luckily, the vespa was
undamaged, which meant I could

catch the others
and thank them

for suggesting bikes
in the first place.

You short-arsed little
Birmingham fatty, stupid,

"I've never been abroad
And I don't like it

And I'm with my piano-playing
Idiotic friend, duhhh."

Come on, cheer up,
We're nearly there!

clarkson: actually,
the fatty brummie was right.

it was no time
for squabbling.

What a journey.

700 miles on my bike,

250 miles
On a train,

And about 50 miles
On my face.

Hammond: if we've done it,

If we've nursed these old,
Broken,

Tiny, tiny, wee bikes
The length of vietnam...

May: ten miles to go.

Hammond: ha long!

Ha long city!

There it is!

[ honking horns ]

My little minsk,
You little buffalo, you!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

We've gone from the south
To the north of vietnam!

We've proved to the americans
It's possible!

That's good here, yep.

We did it!

Fantastic.

I cannot believe
All three bikes -- oh.

Oh, dear.
Ah.

Congratulations.

Wounded?
Congratulations. Yes.

Yes, I am, a bit.

Good stuff.
That's it.

I became a biker.

I'm being left in the field
Of battle.

Few beers, and --
What --

I think this piece will say,
"Congratulations."

It just -- open it.

"Well done."

It won't say that.

You think
It's going to say that?

It's going to say,
"Well done" --

It doesn't.

It says,
"You haven't finished."

Oh, come on.

No, well, that's --

But we have finished.

It says, "The actual
Finishing point is a...

"Ba hang bar in ha long bay.

"As it's only accessible
By water,

"It's probably a good idea
To modify your bikes

So they can float."

No, but look on
The bright side.

No.

What?
No.

No, think.

If it's possible here

To get a helmet
Made overnight,

It must be possible
To get your bike

Converted into a jet ski
Overnight, as well.

It has to be.

I'm sure they do it
All the time.

How hard can it be?

Don't say that!

clarkson: so, it was time

to find a workshop
and cue the music.

The wheels will be
There and there...

[ may hums ]

The engine needs to be
The other way.

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
Piece of [bleep]!

Wah!

I can't do anything

Because I haven't
Got reverse.

clarkson: the next morning,
we stood

on the beach and looked out
over ha long bay,

which is quite simply

vietnam's
biggest surprise.

it is a spectacular
limestone maze,

and hidden in there somewhere

was our bar.

all we had to do

was find it,
and, luckily,

we had just the machines
for the the job.

james had attached his bike

to a traditional fishing boat,

using the engine to power
the propeller.

You've just completely
Disassembled your motorcycle.

Hammond: it isn't
A motorbike anymore, is it?

Front wheel, gone.

Engine isn't where
It's supposed to live.

May: there's nothing
In the rules

That said the engine
Had to stay

In the same place.

That's --

Hammond: is magnificent,
I know.

It's very --
I've gone with

The minsk principles
Of simplicity, you see.

I have a rudder,
Steerable

From the bars,
Cables,

And then it's just
A chain drive down to prop

And I'm away.

And that's just the standard
Pedalo -- sort of --

Yeah, this is just a pedalo
With a few extra floats on it.

clarkson: I'd been
even more ingenious,

turning my vespa

into a mississippi-style
paddle steamer.

Well, as it turned out,
My simple plan

Was very difficult,
'cause the vespa

Weighs 940,000 tons.

So I've needed

Four canoes
Full of foam...

the main problem,
though,

is that with cracked ribs,

I couldn't operate
the kick start.

Could you start
My engine for me?

'cause my right --
Neither of my legs are working.

As you're injured,
I'll reduce the price.

900,000 dong.

clarkson: it was time
for the off.

It's working!

I have propulsion!

Hey-hey!

clarkson: but then,
in true "Top gear"

amphibious tradition,
it all went wrong

for james.

first, he crashed into me.

Go away!

I'm trying!

Why are you doing this
To me?

It's that way,
You blithering idiot!

then he crashed into
some netting.

Oh, bloody hell!

clarkson: and then,

as hammond and I
got going...

Yeah! Once you've got it going,
It's like...Water skiing!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

he sank.

No! No!

[bleep]

Why has it done that?

clarkson: as his boat
was towed back to shore,

richard and I thought about
going back to help.

but we didn't.

Hammond:
I did not expect

Anything like this.

It's magnificent.

James, meanwhile,
On the beach

In what can only be described
As a crashed airliner,

A scene from "Lost."

What I've done is I have
Hammond's spare pontoons

From the workshop
Just over there,

I've employed these local blokes
To use the best traditional

Vietnamese boat-building
Knot technology

To lash it all together.

Gives me more buoyancy,
Stops the stern

Falling into the water,
Stops it filling up,

Honda putt-putt-putts away,
Off I go,

But I have got a lot
Of catching up to do.

clarkson: out in the bay,
there were problems, too.

my vespa had stalled,

and I needed hammond's legs
to kick it back into life.

Ow --

Ah!

Ah.

I'll get on my wasp.

Ah-yah-yah.

[ vespa starts ]

[ bleep ]

That was truly ridiculous.

Now all we've got to do
Is get back to yours.

Oh!

Arsing hell.

We're going well
So far.

Yeah, it's going very well.

may: half an hour later,

my new, improved boat
was ready,

so I set off
in pursuit of the others

and the elusive bar.

Come on!

Clarkson: there are
1,969 islands in here.

Ba hang?

Hammond: hello, ba hang!

Do you -- ba hang?

I think he thinks
We're idiots.

Come on!

Yes!

Where'd they go?

hammond: we'd got desperate
and had even resorted to

looking in caves.

You know when attenborough
Travels the world

And goes to incredible
Natural sites like this?

He doesn't usually pitch up
On a homemade amphibious scooter

In a cloud of two-stroke smoke.

Clarkson: and that's where
He's been going wrong.

♪ it's not a big motorcycle ♪

♪ just a groovy
Little motorbike ♪

♪ it's more fun
Than a barrel of monkeys ♪

♪ that two-wheeled bike ♪

Clarkson: if you've just
Tuned in to britain's

Favorite car show,
What's happened is,

Richard and I
Have driven into a cave

Looking for a bar
That isn't here,

And we have no reverse gear.

still, could be worse.

God, that was going
So well.

My traditional vietnamese
Fishing knots

Have come undone

And my centuries-old
Fiberglass outrigger

Has drifted away.

Clarkson:
This is gonna work.

hammond: after
a 1,000-point turn,

jeremy and I
were out of the cave.

I wasn't worried,
I wasn't scared.

and with only a few hours
of daylight left,

we really couldn't afford
any more problems.

Ah!

Water has got into
The electrical system

And 60,000 volts
Is coursing through

Everything that's metal,
Including the frame on the boat,

The frame of the bike...

our bike-skis
were in a bad way.

May: come on!

but then --

Life, there's life!

It's a bar!

It's an umbrella,
It's a bar!

The little speck over there
Is hammond,

I'm sure of it.

Hammond!

Hammond!

It's there!

hammond: sadly,
there wasn't much I could do

with this information...

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
Piece of [bleep]!

because my steering
was broken.

All I can do
Is go in circles.

Clarkson: beautiful.

hammond: and so it seemed

the non-biker
would get there first.

Clarkson: come on!

Yes!

And that is how we do that.

the question now was,
would all of us make it

before the eight-day deadline
expired at sundown?

[bleep] [bleep]
[bleep] [bleep]!

Wah!

I can't do anything

Because I haven't
Got reverse.

clarkson: eventually,
blind luck brought hammond

close to the pontoon

where I was sadly too busy
to help him moor.

Just that bit of rope there,
Look.

That rope is long enough.

Swim.

No.

Come on.

Come on.

Another foot...

Clarkson: put your back
Into it!

Hammond:
with the swan lined up,

I gave the engine a burst.

Ah-hah-hah!

Damn it.

Ha-hah-hah!
[ laughs ]

Yes! Ha-hah-hah!

Clarkson: using nothing
But currents and the wind,

Richard hammond's idiotic minsk
Appears to have made it.

Have a beer.

now there were two of us
to savor this amazing location.

I've just been finding out
About this place.

The people who live here
Are born here,

They live here,
They fish here,

And they die here.

What, they never go
On dry land?

They never go
On dry land.

They spend their whole lives floating?
They float around.

floating, though,

was becoming an issue
for our colleague,

who'd just lost
his second pontoon.

[ laughs ]

It's fallen apart.

[ laughs ]

Oh, come on!

[ both laugh ]

Shut up.

[ both laugh ]

You know,
We left saigon,

"Well, one thing I can
Absolutely guarantee

Is that my bike
Will have made it."

[ laughs ]

It's been quite a journey,
And that's the way it ends.

And there is james may
Ending it.

Completing it.

I don't believe it.

[ both laugh ]

This is the worst arrival
To a place

Ever made by anyone,
James.

clarkson: the fact is,

though,
it was an arrival.

our little bikes had made it.

oh, sure,
there'd been break-downs,

accidents, and squabbles,
but through the rain,

the draining humidity,
the mad traffic,

and the tricky roads,
they'd brought us

1,000 miles.

[ train whistle blows ]

nearly.

I have to say, though,

that despite the success,
I'm still not sold on biking.

there are good moments,
but it's mostly bad.

and I'm sorry,
but our machines

were completely overshadowed

by this incredible,
beautiful,

brilliant country.

it's hard to sum it up,
really.

perhaps that's why people,
when they get back

from this place,
always say

the same thing --
"Vietnam --

"You don't know, man!
you weren't there!"

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