Original subtitles

[ cheers and applause ]

Hello, hello, Hello, everybody.

Hello, and welcome.

Hello, and welcome to a sea Of disappointed faces,

Because these people Have driven

All the way down here today Only to find

That the show isn't actually Coming from here today.

No, it is, in fact, Coming from 6,000 miles away

Here in vietnam.

Yes, we were told to meet In the center of saigon

And await Further instructions.

So, sit back, Enjoy the ride.

we arrived in saigon and got straight down to business.

No.

Mel -- that was mel gibson.

Yeah, mel gibson is "We were soldiers."

You're getting that mixed up With "Hamburger hill,"

Which is where he sticks The knife in the post.

No, you're right.

Private pyle Was "Full metal jacket,"

Which was all shot In the docklands.

Will you stop going on about What I imagine are war films?

Ah, hello.

Challenge. Thank you.

Uh...

"Since you can buy rolexes here For a fiver

"And lunch for 50p,

"You're standing in the world's Biggest pound shop.

"You should therefore have No trouble at all

"Buying some wheels

For 15 million dong."

15 million?

I don't think --

Are these full of money?

[ laughs ]

15 million -- Wow!

Look at that!

15 million dong.

I love the smell Of money in the morning.

Smells like wheels.

Ha-ha!

clarkson: delighted that, for once,

the producers had been generous,

we headed for the showrooms.

I love having Inches of money.

but our joy was short-lived,

as james discovered

when he tried to buy a bog-standard

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

may: even the back-street car dealers

were no good.

Is it enough?

For what?

For a car.

For the car?

Yeah.

100 mill for the car.

You want to --

To buy.

To buy the car?

Yeah.

Oh, I cannot --

jeremy, meanwhile, had become desperate.

Would you sell me Your car?

Could I buy your car?

Sell me your car!

Please!

may: and hammond had given up

and gone for lunch.

Nothing.

It is quite tricky.

Pull up a chair, Have a seat.

What?

They're not very big.

No, you see, I've said to you all along,

You two are the freaks -- This place

Is perfectly scaled, I love it!

may: but hammond's joy at fitting in the chairs

wasn't going to get us out of our hole.

Clarkson: I'll tell you The problem,

Is cars only came to vietnam A few years ago, okay?

Four or five years ago.

They've got the 200%

Import tax on them.

They haven't had time

In the four or five years Since they've been here

To get cheap.

So there are no bangers.

Everything's expensive, And we're actually quite poor.

hammond: it did look like

we'd come a long way for nothing.

but then james and I had an idea.

No.

Go on. No.

Look around us -- What do we see everywhere?

You know I can't do that.

What else is there?

Bet you can get A bike for that.

I bet you can get A lump

Of excrement for that, As well.

That doesn't mean I'm going to go --

It's transport With an engine.

It's the only choice We have.

No.

Look, That's all we've got.

Bikes.

hammond: james and I did have a point.

because cars are so expensive in vietnam,

bikes are used here as family saloons,

delivery trucks, people carriers.

they're used for everything.

if you don't have a bike here,

you're a nobody.

so, we took the plunge as well, and, an hour later,

met up at the american war museum

with our cheap-as-chips wheels.

I bought this -- It's a minsk.

Russian, 125cc,

And it's, well, basically,

The ak-47 of bikes -- Rugged, simple,

Easy to repair.

It is built specifically To be used

In countries Where there are no roads.

It will be, For whatever they throw at us,

Perfect.

May: I've gone completely native And I've bought this.

It's an ancient Honda 50 super cub,

The greatest motorcycle In history.

Over 60 million of those Have been built,

And it is a greater liberator Of the people than...

Well, that american tank, For example.

I've bought this,

Which is... A motorcycle.

May: well, technically, This is a scooter.

If you let go now, It'll just fall over.

No, it's a got a thing Called a stand.

You really don't know Anything about bikes,

Do you? Nothing.

It is actually

Very pretty, But, also,

It's going to be useless,

Because whatever The challenge is,

Tiny wheels And looking good,

That's not Going to help you.

Why are tiny wheels wrong? Because the holes are big

And the little wheels Go further into them.

What holes? Well, holes in the road.

So you're going to be "Oohing"

All over the place.

How many cylinders Has it got?

One. One.

One? It's two-stroke.

clarkson: it was time for the main challenge.

I promise you -- no, I'm not interested in this.

May: "You'll now Attempt to achieve

"In eight days

"What the americans Failed to achieve

"In ten years -- Get from the south of vietnam

"To the north.

"You will ride from here In saigon to ha long city

Near the chinese border, Which is 1,000 miles away."

Wow! That is excellent!

That is the best challenge We've ever had.

That's fan-- I'm going.

Get these bikes started, Let's go.

Honestly,

That is fantastic.

...Do that.

I just -- I can't do that.

I can't do --

Guys, I can't do that.

I can't ride a bike.

I honestly believed that at some point

on our long and torturous route,

one of us would be killed.

probably wouldn't be hammond, though.

because unlike us two, he at least

could get a helmet which fitted.

The reason I don't Ride a motorcycle

Is because I have A large brain.

No, you have a big head.

The reason why Crash helmets are small

Is because people who wear them Haven't got a brain.

Otherwise, They'd have a car.

may: since we were due to set off the following morning,

jeremy and I had to get helmets made

in a back-street metal shop.

Okay, bend.

[ speaks vietnamese ]

[ speaks vietnamese ]

may: with our orders placed,

richard and I fettled our bikes

and jeremy hit the bar.

Do you know how To start it?

No. All right, get on.

Whoa, wrong side Of the road!

Faster.

[bleep], He's gonna die.

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

may: departure day,

and immediately there was a problem,

because in the workshop the night before,

my vietnamese hadn't been as fluent as I thought.

Where did all those Come from?

These? I can't really Turn my head,

So...

You're not excited, Are you?

No.

This is a great moment.

It's the beginning Of an epic adventure.

[ engine starts ] Come on, minsk.

Are you off, then?

This is it? 1,000 miles?

Yeah!

Right then, three,

Two,

One, we're off!

Hammond: if we were to reach Our overnight halt

In the mountain town Of da lat,

We had to get cracking,

Which is why james immediately Shed some weight.

I've had to ditch me wok.

[ men speaking vietnamese ]

[ engine starts ]

Oh.

[ engine revs ]

[ men laugh ]

Stupid thing.

hammond: meanwhile,

james and I were having a ball

in the madness of it all.

This is such a melee.

I've been riding bikes For 25 years,

And I've never done Anything like this.

May: I think You just improvise.

It's amazing.

It just sort of works.

Do you know how To start it?

No. All right, get on.

Well, some vietnamese People came, and I --

They just trod on it, And it started.

Oi!

Whoa, wrong side Of the road!

[ laughs ]

One, neutral, Two, three, four.

There you go.

There you go...

You're getting it!

Yeah, it's only been an hour, And I've done,

Well, three feet.

Hammond: that was a dog.

How does that work?

[bleep], He's gonna die.

hammond: we were now on the outskirts of saigon.

I'm glad we couldn't Afford cars.

This is better.

There -- no, that's one.

No, there we go.

Yes, that's a gear.

a passing banker had sold me his helmet,

which meant I was now

completely safe.

Sorry.

Oh, [bleep]

They're going down there.

Where are we going?

[ yells ]

[ horn honking ]

Is this your favorite place In the whole world now?

Yeah. Yeah, mine.

This is terrifying.

There's just bikes Absolutely everywhere.

Oh, my god, there's one Stalled in front of me.

Best motorbike I've ever had.

clarkson: this is the only motorbike

I'd ever had, and it was undrivable.

Oh, get into gear, For god's sake!

Stupid thing.

Gearbox has a mind of its own, There's no suspension...

It just wobbles.

I'm going along, It's just wobbling all the time.

You're going the wrong way!

eventually, though,

I caught up with barry sheene and his boyfriend.

Whoa!

Thanks for waiting, may.

Well, I did think, I thought,

"Well, jeremy always Waits for me,

So I'll not wait for him."

I thought you were Just behind us.

You knew damn well I wasn't just behind you.

and then I discovered

why my bike was so undrivable.

That nut is as tight As it can go,

And that is...

Loose.

the drive shaft was knackered,

which, on a vespa, is bad news.

They're gonna have to change The whole engine.

While they're doing that,

The front brakes Are now being adjusted

So that they...Work.

still, at least my mates

wouldn't leave me behind this time.

Oh, no, What if we have to

Finish the whole journey Without him?

Aw!

Aw!

clarkson: unsurprisingly in such a bikey country,

a new engine was found in minutes.

and so, I rolled up my sleeves

and had some lunch.

You look at this And you think,

"What noise did this make When it was alive?

"Did it go, 'mmm'

"Or did it go, 'tweet, tweet, tweet,'

Or did it go, 'neigh'"?

I think it went, 'ruff, ruff!'

But it's delicious.

May: um, well, I think this thing here

Is a sort of squid thing With some...

Weird paste.

Don't like squid.

Okay,

Well, You can have crab with --

I don't like crab.

Razor clams.

I don't like clams.

clarkson: by now, the workforce had swelled considerably,

and as a result,

I was soon on the move again.

Okay, the wheel Is no longer wobbling.

Got a new engine, Got a new gearbox,

And it feels Exactly the same --

Grummy, rubbish, useless.

hammond: as james and I made smooth progress towards da lat,

we were reflecting on the pedigree

of our bargain-basement bikes.

These bikes are quite a common Sight all over the world,

And in certain places, They're usually seen

With members of The taliban on them

Carrying ak-47s And rocket launchers.

May: this is

The wheels of asia.

Over 60 million of these sold, So if you combine

The beetle, the model t,

All the versions Of the toyota corolla,

And the mini,

You still haven't got as many As you have of these.

clarkson: 40 miles back,

I couldn't care less about my bike's pedigree.

Work!

Just work for one minute!

hammond: further up the road, things were getting hilly,

which meant james

was having problems with his honda's miserable

four-horsepower engine.

[ truck horn blows ]

Faster!

[ blows horn ] We can do it.

May: ah!

[ blows horn ] Faster!

Oh, god!

Aaaah!

And here we are again.

It's a lovely evening In southeast asia,

As you can see, And I'd be enjoying it

In any means of transport

Apart from the motorbike.

If somebody said to me,

"Would you like To hop to hanoi?"

Yes, I would.

hammond: the last few miles to da lat were really steep.

Just admit it!

You should have bought A more powerful bike.

No, I'm not Admitting it yet.

I'm still going.

I'm going to check it out, See if it gets steeper.

I'm just coming to A dignified failure.

She's going, she's going.

She's going.

That's it.

I've run out of gears.

I've run out of power.

clarkson: still, at least he hadn't

put 15 "Quadrophenia"-style mirrors

right in front of his own headlamp.

God almighty!

I'm riding along With the headlight

Illuminating nothing But my own face.

hammond: our meeting point was a restaurant in de lat,

and james had worked up

quite an appetite by the time he got there.

Well, I went to check ahead If it got any steeper.

It did.

May: I know.

Where is he, Do you reckon?

Don't know.

Do you think he's enjoying

His first Biking experience?

I am the most miserable Human being alive!

Where's this restaurant!?

Where is it!?

May: I quite like it here.

I like the way the roof's been Made and the way the --

The sticks have been Joined together.

Hammond: whoa!

Blimey!

Mate!

How are you?

Oh, congratulations.

Do you want a beer? Yes.

We've drunk 'em.

But we'll get another.

clarkson: hammond was loving my misery,

but I got revenge by ordering set-menu b.

[ speaking vietnamese ]

What -- What is ran?

You haven't eaten anything Since you got here, have you?

I have, You just haven't seen me.

I've always been --

What have you eaten Since you got here?

He had some corn flakes.

No, I was trying the --

Just in case They were different,

Because I like To try local...

Cultures and flavors, And there may have been

Different cornflakes,

But I've been eating Squid...Soup clam

Bamboo-shoot arrangement

Before you came -- I had!

Don't take this the wrong way, Because colors assume

Different significance in Different cultures. Stop talking.

Name an upside to this, may!

Name one upside!

That rain makes a really Annoying noise on my colander.

Helmet.

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

Hammond: why?

Clarkson: morning.

Did you do this? Yes.

Well, we just wanted To make sure

It was strong enough, And it wasn't.

Yeah, we were Worried about you.

We were Paralytically worried.

I was blind worried.

He was so worried At the complications,

He fell over with worry.

How did you do it?

We tested it by putting it

Under the wheels of a lorry,

And look what happened.

You tested it? Yes.

So, now, that's --

Ruined. Yes.

Don't worry, though,

'cause we've just been Out to town

And we bought you

Another one!

Don't take this The wrong way,

Because colors assume

Different significance In different cultures.

Stop talking. No, seriously, in britain,

We think of that As a feminine color --

Stop moving your face about With noises coming out of it.

Here, it's the color Of warriors.

He's not very happy with us.

but at least he was

happier than me, because today,

I faced another 130 miles of rough roads,

endless breakdowns, massive discomfort,

and general peril.

still, at least I'd been assured

it wouldn't rain.

Name an upside to this, may!

Name one upside!

May: well, you're not hot Anymore, are you?

My light's dying!

It's dying, My light's dying!

there was an upside, though.

richard's taliban bike

had decided it liked the rain even less than me.

Come on, now.

[ grunts ]

[ thunder rumbles ]

That's not as effective As I'd hoped it would be.

Oh, my god!

What the hell Is going on in my life?

Why has my life Gone so wrong?

It's good for you.

It's not!

It is.

Stop whining.

Hit that. Maybe cheer me up.

Kill yourself.

May: ♪ I'll take you Anywhere you want to go ♪

♪ ride my honda tonight ♪

I hate you!

♪ first gear, It's all mine ♪

♪ second gear, Rhymey-rhyme ♪

♪ third gear, Hold on tight ♪

clarkson: all I could hope for

was that captain beach boy would have a disaster

on these awful flooded roads.

[bleep]

This is a massive, "Oh, [bleep]"

How can it have run out?

That rain makes a really Annoying noise on my colander.

Helmet.

And it comes through.

[ thunder rumbles ]

clarkson: on his much-faster minsk,

hammond had passed his old mate james,

not stopped to help,

and caught up with me.

Ha-ha-ha!

Sorry!

Don't stop.

He's enjoying it.

He is... Enjoying it.

He is.

This nice man has stopped

On an old russian motorcycle,

And I think he's going to Give me some petrol.

What a nice man.

In fact, I think I'll pay him.

Me dong's gonna be all soggy, Isn't it?

hammond: at the filling station

further up the road, jeremy and I had pulled over

because my clutch cable has snapped.

You see, my clutch Should be there,

And it isn't.

this became a big problem for all of us.

James!

May, there's bad news.

What?

The producers have got fed up With us just replacing parts

Willy-nilly on our bikes.

You two, you mean. His clutch cable went,

He just went and bought one From in there.

Yeah. So, they say that

If our bikes go wrong again, We can't just keep them going

With tools.

They've provided Back-up transport.

Excellent.

clarkson: "Excellent" turned out to be the wrong word.

Ooh.

Oh, my god.

Oh-hoh.

Oh, yes, that is a bit --

Oh, god, I don't think so.

It's slightly conspicuous.

♪ born in the usa ♪ That's "Born in the usa,"

Evidently.

[ thunder rumbles ]

That's thunder, And the village.

[ laughing ] I mean, There's a rumble of thunder,

And the village arrives.

clarkson: amazingly, all our bikes

suddenly worked perfectly.

This is staggeringly good.

We are in the clouds.

clarkson: by nightfall, we were on the downhill run.

the lightning was biblical

and, from my point of view, quite useful.

Oh, no!

No! No, my light!

My light!

eventually, we careered into nha trang.

Hold on, james.

Hammond: holy-crapoly! What do we do here?

James just went Straight out, then.

it had been another hateful day.

Hammond: wow!

Lightning.

[ thunder rumbles ]

clarkson: so, I decided to cheer myself up

by buying richard hammond a small present.

"If I can just stand this, It'll warm up,"

And then it does, And you think, "Oh, nice."

That's what it's like Coming down the hill.

Yes, exactly right.

What?

Bloody hell.

There you go. What, is that --

There you go, Nice present.

That's for me? Yeah.

Why?

Well, because I thought It would look good

In your hall In your new house.

Have you seen The detailing on it?

I mean, look at the bridge.

I see what you've done.

If you had a car, You'd pop it on the back seat

Or in the boot.

Yeah, I've seen What you've done here, now.

[ laughs ]

clarkson: we plowed on northwards

with the monotony broken

only by a light sprinkling

of massive discomfort.

Ahhh!

Nearly 90 degrees...

75% humidity.

in fact, after a day and a half

of solid riding in this sweat box,

our clothes were so rank, we decided to get some more

in the town of hoi an --

vietnam's saville row.

Buying off the peg In vietnam,

Let's be honest, Is all right for you.

But the trousers --

Gonna be an issue for you, Yeah, I'll grant you that.

Possibly in other areas, The girth.

This is cashmere?

Yes. And how much is this?

The whole suit, $125 u.S.

A cashmere suit?

Yes.

For...£70?

What, a whole suit, Or just the buttons?

The whole suit.

Made-to-measure?

How long does it take, Though?

It take one day to finish.

A day.

So we can have Any style?

Yeah, any style.

And any material? Yes.

Right, lads.

I'll have some time On my own.

[ laughs ]

Linen, not good.

It makes you look Even fatter.

This is chinese brocade.

Chinese brocade? Yes.

I don't know what that is.

Don't really know What I'm doing here,

'cause I'm not...

Very fashion-conscious.

Your suit's ready.

Here it is.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, that's very nice.

It's perfect.

They're measuring The biceps now.

Tape measure's Not long enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Of course.

If she leaves That tape measure

Under my armpit any longer, It'll rot.

[ laughter ]

Clarkson: with our suits underway,

I decided to go for some tailor-made shoes, as well.

which turned out to be extremely good fun.

since our new wardrobe

wouldn't be ready till morning,

richard and james suggested we go to the beach

with our stupid bikes.

Why are we doing this?

I've fallen off it!

I've fallen off!

Come on.

Ya-hey! This is great!

Yeah.

happily, however, I soon found

a typical vietnamese hotel

where I could revert to being a human.

[ bike engines racing In distance ]

Ooh!

♪ born in the usa ♪ Not now!

♪ I was born in the usa ♪ not Now, not while that's there!

Yes! No!

Ye-- no!

Aw.

Oh!

Ah! Whoa!

May: every time I change down,

Darcy clangs me With her breasts.

That's not a complaint, It's an observation.

may: the next morning, we picked up our clothes

from the tailors and hit the highway.

When I said I wanted The sort of thing

The locals would wear to work, I was thinking more...

Working in a shop Or working on a building site,

Not working in an embassy Or going to a formal reception.

It's brighton beach.

1965, mods and rockers.

richard had a new look, too, but, sadly,

not a new bike, because, annoyingly,

the minsk had dried out.

Love your work!

Is that a smoking jacket?

Is that a mod cut?

Ah, yeah, Full phil daniels.

Check out the lining!

Woh-hoh-hoh! Clarkson: as usual, However, there was one small problem.

I feel my new mod look Has been spoiled slightly

Because somebody has written "Penis" on my helmet.

I did that.

as we headed for the ancient capital of hue

on this superheated highway,

james started to fall behind again,

and all jeremy and I could think to do

was buy him a present.

something nice and heavy.

It's depressing, Being at the back.

I think he needs A cheering up.

My thoughts exactly,

Which is why we've come

To kerry katona's Front room.

"Right-o, lovely, this."

Um...Leaping dolphins... What about these lions?

Woman: This is a modern thing.

He's not modern, is he?

No, he doesn't do modern. He won't like that.

No, he's very -- Old-fashioned.

May, welcome.

Thanks for waiting.

We decided To buy you a present.

[ clears throat ]

You're standing Right next to it.

That?

We though about that Long and hard.

Seriously, It's classical.

It's a ballet, and we know That you like the ballet.

So you have actually Thought about it.

Long and hard.

And that's A real present.

[ grunts ]

I need some straps.

clarkson: with darcy bussell on the back

of his bike, james was being

even more careful than usual.

which is more than could be said

of hammond.

[ thud ] Oh!

Ah! Whoa!

My galleon!

All your masts Have come off!

They're all down!

Hammond: I can fix it.

I can fix that.

He'll never notice.

Clarkson: toll booth.

Motorbikes go free.

What's he done?

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Hammond just hit The sign in the tollbooth.

I know, That bloke's furious.

clarkson: then the vespa came over all italian again.

Do you know something Very interesting?

What's that?

My bike isn't broken, Still.

You're not going to Believe how they mended it.

With a hammer?

Got a plastic bag, Filled it with weeds,

And have wedged All the electrics...

So they can't Jiggle about.

See that mountain Up there, james?

Yep.

We're going up that.

Right.

I'll wait for you At the top.

clarkson: the mountain

was a bit of a surprise, because you expect

to find many things when you come to vietnam --

communistical farming,

reminders of the war, stunning food,

massive heat.

what you don't expect to find

is a deserted ribbon

of perfection -- one of the best coast roads

in the world.

It's gone!

Hammo, it's gone again!

It's gone.

You know we mended it With weeds.

Your weed bag, yeah.

The weed bag Doesn't work.

mind you, there are worse places to break down.

We go around the world,

But some of the stuff here.

Yeah.

It's making my hair All stand on end.

And there's nobody there -- Oh, I'll tell you who is here.

Has he arrived?

It's not a majestic sight.

May? Yes.

Seriously, Look at that view.

That's fantastic.

James? Yes.

Have you got His present,

Or do you know Where it is?

I put it in the camera bag. Oh, good.

All right, okay.

Have you really got me a present? Oh, yes.

We've both been amazed that, In your first bike ride,

I think, to come up here On this road,

You deserve your present now.

James, present him.

Your present.

That is very...

Striking, chaps.

Funny enough, That's the word I used.

And I shall try To look after this, hammond,

A bit better than You're looking after

The galleon That I gave you.

50 miles to hue.

Down into second For the difficult hairpin...

Oh, yes, knee down.

May: every time I change down,

Darcy clangs me With her breasts.

That's not a complaint, It's an observation.

clarkson: we thought as we got to the bottom of the pass

that we'd be back in the chaos.

but no.

[ outboard engine running ]

That image really is

A metaphor for vietnam -- The mountains, the coastline,

The big new engineering project,

And the traditional Fishing scene down here.

With that soundtrack.

It is a fabulous country.

It really is.

that night, in the hotel,

hammond set about mending his treasured galleon.

Hammond: I think I may have to Cut some of the rigging,

'cause it's...

clarkson: meanwhile, to pay him back

for breaking it in the first place,

I decided to redecorate his treasured bike.

You know...

He will be apocalyptically Cross about this.

Oh, I know, but he's cross About everything,

So it doesn't really --

Oh-hoh-hoh. [ laughs ]

Let's have a go.

[ laughs ]

Oh, yes.

xin chao.

You like?

Would you like To do some?

Would you like to do some?

Pink.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

If he asks, we'll just say, "Well, the chef did it."

If you painted the back, He'd be furious, down there.

Do you have a pencil I could borrow?

Pencil? Pencil, yes.

Now look what's happened.

The whole town has turned out

To paint richard hammond's Bike pink.

James and I are doing Everything possible

To stop them.

Please don't do this.

May: I've given up Trying to tell them.

[ speaking vietnamese ]

You missed a bit there That you mustn't do, as well.

Ah.

You can't just go --

May: hang on, Has she painted her own bike?

No, it isn't hers.

It's not h--

What's happened is

Is she's got Hold of this pink paint

And decided everything In the entire car park

Needs painting pink.

[ laughs ]

You will therefore take A vietnamese driving test."

Jeremy clarkson, fail.

Oh!

Jeremy clarkson, fail.

Jeremy clarkson, Fail.

[ laughs ]

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

clarkson: the sun rose

over another beautiful day in the 'nam,

but among us three, the atmosphere

was a little tense.

I told you He'd be furious.

Can they really not organize A bloody junction

Better than this?

No, I know he's cross,

But I told him The chef did it.

Did he not believe you? No.

Funny, that.

[ thud ]

Oh, dear.

clarkson: despite richard's mood,

we were told to report to a nearby government building

for a challenge.

I think it looks good.

It matches Your helmet now.

Yes, I have spotted that.

That's the point, Very good, yes.

No, I am sorry.

We did everything In our power.

You know We're your mates.

Anyway, We need the challenge.

He is cross, But just read the challenge.

It'll be "The person With the pinkest bike wins,"

I bet you.

"The person with The pinkest bike should" --

No, it doesn't Actually say that.

What does it say?

"You're about to enter

"What was north vietnam.

"It's as well Your papers are in order.

You will therefore take A vietnamese driving test."

Well, that'll just be One of those joke ones.

You know the egypt one?

Forwards and backwards Six feet.

Cheer up.

This is gonna be a doddle.

[ speaking vietnamese ]

it wasn't.

first,

we had to take an oral theory test

in vietnamese.

[ speaking vietnamese ]

Uh, please? May.

May.

[ clears throat ]

Stand up, stand up, stand up.

[ laughter ]

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Ah.

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Oh, no.

Yes.

[ laughter ]

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Always give way to the car From the right.

[ laughs ]

You have A one-in-a-hundred chance

Of being right there,

But you're in The wrong language.

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Uh...

[ speaks vietnamese ]

[ speaks vietnamese ]

How the hell did -- What did you just do?

18, 18 years old.

How did you know?

'cause you're allowed To ride your motorbike,

You get your license At 18.

But --

That's "Hoi tam."

How did you know What she was asking --

Did you not bother Learning vietnamese

Before you came here?

Well, no.

You're screwed, then.

may: so, only one of us had shone in the classroom,

but in the practical test, things would be better.

See, you have to ride In a figure of eight,

And then you can go out And ride

On ho chi minh's highway.

That's it.

So if you touch the white lines, You fail.

may: barbara cartland went first.

Richard hammond.

Ooh, that's me.

May: it's quite tight.

...Seriously not driving An enormous motorcycle.

Ooh, it's harder Than it looks.

Is he doing well?

Good?

Richard hammond, pass.

You passed!

You passed!

James may.

Hammond: he'll love this -- It's all about precision,

Going slowly And being accurate.

Clarkson: Going the wrong way.

What -- [ laughs ]

It's good spectator sport, Though, isn't it?

It is, They're loving it.

They're really loving it.

Man: james may,

Pass.

Jeremy clarkson.

Yes, yes, yes.

Ah, got the angle right.

Ah!

Ah!

Whoa, that's not right.

Hammond: what he's doing

Is, rather predictably, Going too fast.

This is just impossible On these wheels.

They're too small.

Jeremy clarkson, fail.

You failed.

I've only been riding a bike Five days.

happily, in vietnam, if you fail,

you are allowed to try again -- immediately.

Hammond: he's spent

Less time in the circle

Than he has

Out of the circle.

Oh!

Man: jeremy clarkson, fail.

[ laughs ]

clarkson: obviously, it was the vespa's fault,

so I had a go on the cub.

Give it gas, man.

There you go.

Clarkson: your big wheels Are helping

Massively here.

May: you can't Scoot it along.

Hammond: oh, This is disastrous.

How's he ridden this thing?

Man: jeremy clarkson, fail.

Hammond: is he The most ridiculous

Human being in the world

Currently or ever -- Ever -- ever previously?

Yes. Yeah.

We're going to have to Get going.

May: but we haven't Got a license.

Well, that's 'cause You failed your theory.

You haven't been Granted a pass

For your practical, It's pathetic.

But as a team -- as a team, We've done both halves of it.

As a unit, We are licensed.

We can have A "Top gear" license

With all our faces On it together.

May: no!

Oi!

I am sorry, james, I am.

You're not sorry -- Please shut up.

clarkson: to apologize for darcy's head,

I bought james some flowers

and then we headed out of of hue.

[bleep]

You've knocked One of my mirrors off!

even though we were against the clock,

we felt we had to stop at the citadel,

scene of one of the fiercest battles

in the vietnam war.

Bullet holes everywhere.

Hammond: yeah.

I mean, everywhere you look, It's just --

You can track them as well, Can't you, sometimes?

That's machine-gun fire, Look.

Yeah, there it goes.

I think for most people, Vietnam is a war,

Not a country.

Yes.

And this was pretty much

The epicenter.

May: it's nice that They haven't restored it.

That's a better memorial Than anything else, isn't it?

Clarkson: it was now day six

of our epic road trip, and the finish line

was still more than 400 miles away.

what's more, the traffic was getting worse.

You can tell we're getting Close to the north.

What, more bikes?

Well, a lot more bikes.

the heat was worse than ever, and even james's cub

was starting to feel the strain.

That's just not as sweet As it was this morning.

clarkson: progress, then, was slower than ever,

and over lunch, the penny dropped

with a horrible clang.

Rice... Yeah.

Those are bamboo shoots.

Yeah.

And that's meat.

Some meat.

Guys?

Yeah?

We can't make it.

If you think how far We've come so far

And how far we've got -- Well, about halfway...

Well, thinking about it, Probably that day spent

Playing on the beach And having a massage

While we had our suits made Wasn't actually good --

No. No.

We can't just give in.

So, what are you saying, We must try harder?

No. We must find a way of Making the bikes faster.

No. Cheat.

Yeah.

Wafer-thin sparrow?

No, I'm fine.

[ french accent ] One little wafer-thin sparrow.

No, I'm fine.

fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Uh, 500 --

560 million vietnam dong.

560 million?

Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Just about $1,000 u.S.

clarkson: we decided to take an overnight train

to ha long city, which is something

the americans never thought to do.

but we couldn't celebrate our ingenuity, because,

at the station, james was a bit upset

that my spare wheel had come through my painting.

May: now look What you've done.

What, I did it On purpose?

Hammond paid for it, And it was...

Well, we won't tell you How much it was,

But it was Quite expensive.

You're not making me Feel any better.

Well, how do you think we feel?

Let's not get bogged down, "Who did what to whom."

No, 'cause you did all of it.

[ whistle blowing ]

Hammond: come on, buffalo.

Clarkson: wait, wait, wait.

Ooh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

May: in the night,

Can you water The flowers for me?

[ whistle blowing ]

Sorry.

Clarkson: yeah, A tire went through it.

Sorry. It's --

clarkson: james had bought the tickets, and great news

for license-payers -- they were for

third class.

13 hours.

There are people sleeping.

13 hours.

How long have we done?

Four minutes.

Getting to it.

clarkson: we decided to pass

the rest of the time by mending

each other's presents.

clarkson: in the morning, the train was approaching

our destination.

James is going to be

Extremely pleased with --

Not so much with this, But the surgery

On her shoulder --

That is the work Of a top doc.

It's difficult, really,

To explore The allegorical significances

And layers of the painting When I'm, well, sober.

What you've done is, You've painted a land rover

In the middle Of my vietnamese scene.

Yeah.

Mind you, you're in for A big surprise when you see

What may's done To your galleon.

It's not brilliant, mate, If I'm honest.

And what are these?

Chopsticks.

But what are they Representing?

Oars.

It's a chinese junk.

It's the best I can do With the bits that survived

And stuff I could buy From the woman with the trolley.

clarkson: finally, two days early,

we arrived in ha long city.

Where's her hand?

I've completely Lost it.

[ horn blows ]

Clarkson: let me get this Out of the way, sorry.

This is heavy, Presumably.

Darcy's head's Come off again.

May: don't touch it.

Okay.

Clarkson: this has been The clumsiest arrival

At a finishing point...

Hammond: it hasn't been An elegant arrival,

But we are at The finishing point.

It's very odd, Is it hotter here than it was?

Why isn't there A sea breeze?

How do you spell "Ha long"?

H-a l-o-n-g.

It's two words,

It's g-a, I think that means "Train station,"

I think, "Ga."

Hanoi.

Ha -- hey -- Hanoi.

God.

Where did you Buy tickets to?

There's nothing wrong With the tickets.

Well, clearly, We're in the wrong place.

Yes, but --

Ha long city.

Ha long city, Ha long city.

You chose the platform.

You said, "I know where it is."

There's one platform, james, There's one line.

No, there's a line Either side of the platform,

Like there often is On a platform.

hammond: a quick look at a map showed us

the scale of my colleague's cock-up.

There is ha long...

Yeah.

There is hanoi.

Well, we're miles away.

We have to go Along there.

It's a day's ride.

Well, everyone, Welcome to hanoi.

"Oh, no, I'll go And get the tickets,

"I know what I'm doing, I understand

Public transport."

May: "No, no, trust me,

I promise you It's this platform."

Clarkson: to make matters worse,

The traffic was more mental Than ever.

I'm utterly alarmed here.

I've never been More imperiled...

but we were ahead of schedule,

so we went for breakfast.

These are chicken innards -- Well, actually,

It doesn't say innards, It says, "Chicken" --

"Internals."

"Internals."

We've ordered Pickled pig's ear

With vegetables Dipped in seasoning sauce,

Spelt wrong.

hammond didn't fancy any of that

and nor did he go for the main course.

Speak of the devil,

The sparrows have arrived.

Oh, look at that.

Wafer-thin sparrow?

No, I'm fine.

[ french accent ] One little wafer-thin sparrow.

No, I'm fine.

Clarkson: but after seven days,

he had to eat something.

Good news.

Richard hammond Is eating rice.

It's rice krispies,

But...

Is it rice?

Yes. Am I eating It with chopsticks?

Yes. Than I am native And local as you.

I am now boldly going where No american has been before.

Ah!

Hammond: ha long and hanoi Are two big cities.

I doubt they're connected

By a three-foot wide

Dusty path Covered in hay.

I think -- you know when we got To the 16th century,

I think we turned left.

We should have gone right.

Now we're in The 13th century.

[ dog barks ]

Well, we are completely lost.

Yeah, we're finally Admitting that.

Yes.

Even I will admit

This is not The main road from...

Ha long -- Hanoi to ha long.

May: xin chao.

xin chao.

Where is ha long city?

No, no.

This isn't ha long city, Is it? No.

I like being lost here.

Yeah, this is a nice place To be lost.

Hello, hello!

[ speaks vietnamese ]

Here.

[ laughs ]

clarkson: eventually, though...

We found a road.

it really did look like we were gonna make it.

I've always said To my children

That if they buy a bike, I will burn it,

And if they replace it With another one,

I shall burn that, too.

Now, however, If they buy a bike,

I will completely understand.

And then I'll burn it.

with just 50 miles to go,

hammond went berserk.

Ahhhhhhhh!

The speed!

He's just a prat.

and, happily, he paid the price.

Oh, no!

No, no, no, I'm breaking down!

♪ born in the usa ♪ hammond: bruce Beckoned, but having come this far,

I wasn't going to give in.

Not the tank.

Plenty of fuel.

It's not that.

happily, jeremy plowed on.

Now I'm motoring.

Oh, yeah.

hammond: and without his

hammer-fisted approach to pretty much everything,

we'd have the bike mended in a jiffy.

I'm in gear -- Oh, grab me!

Ow!

I've just put my head In your crotch.

You've simultaneously Head-butted me

In the gentleman's region

And snapped the prow Off the galleon,

You complete numpty, Hammond.

[ laughs ]

I am now boldly going where No american has been before.

Ah!

hammond: unaware that we had a man down,

we were even still buying each other silly presents.

[ inhales ]

Ooh, ooh.

So, there we are.

It's my first bike crash.

I'm a member Of the club now.

Don't like it.

Hate biking, It's a stupid idea.

So, the sitrep is, My foot hurts quite badly

'cause the bike Landed on it.

I've got cracked ribs, Probably,

My elbow's ruined, But look at my suit!

luckily, the vespa was undamaged, which meant I could

catch the others and thank them

for suggesting bikes in the first place.

You short-arsed little Birmingham fatty, stupid,

"I've never been abroad And I don't like it

And I'm with my piano-playing Idiotic friend, duhhh."

Come on, cheer up, We're nearly there!

clarkson: actually, the fatty brummie was right.

it was no time for squabbling.

What a journey.

700 miles on my bike,

250 miles On a train,

And about 50 miles On my face.

Hammond: if we've done it,

If we've nursed these old, Broken,

Tiny, tiny, wee bikes The length of vietnam...

May: ten miles to go.

Hammond: ha long!

Ha long city!

There it is!

[ honking horns ]

My little minsk, You little buffalo, you!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

We've gone from the south To the north of vietnam!

We've proved to the americans It's possible!

That's good here, yep.

We did it!

Fantastic.

I cannot believe All three bikes -- oh.

Oh, dear. Ah.

Congratulations.

Wounded? Congratulations. Yes.

Yes, I am, a bit.

Good stuff. That's it.

I became a biker.

I'm being left in the field Of battle.

Few beers, and -- What --

I think this piece will say, "Congratulations."

It just -- open it.

"Well done."

It won't say that.

You think It's going to say that?

It's going to say, "Well done" --

It doesn't.

It says, "You haven't finished."

Oh, come on.

No, well, that's --

But we have finished.

It says, "The actual Finishing point is a...

"Ba hang bar in ha long bay.

"As it's only accessible By water,

"It's probably a good idea To modify your bikes

So they can float."

No, but look on The bright side.

No.

What? No.

No, think.

If it's possible here

To get a helmet Made overnight,

It must be possible To get your bike

Converted into a jet ski Overnight, as well.

It has to be.

I'm sure they do it All the time.

How hard can it be?

Don't say that!

clarkson: so, it was time

to find a workshop and cue the music.

The wheels will be There and there...

[ may hums ]

The engine needs to be The other way.

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] Piece of [bleep]!

Wah!

I can't do anything

Because I haven't Got reverse.

clarkson: the next morning, we stood

on the beach and looked out over ha long bay,

which is quite simply

vietnam's biggest surprise.

it is a spectacular limestone maze,

and hidden in there somewhere

was our bar.

all we had to do

was find it, and, luckily,

we had just the machines for the the job.

james had attached his bike

to a traditional fishing boat,

using the engine to power the propeller.

You've just completely Disassembled your motorcycle.

Hammond: it isn't A motorbike anymore, is it?

Front wheel, gone.

Engine isn't where It's supposed to live.

May: there's nothing In the rules

That said the engine Had to stay

In the same place.

That's --

Hammond: is magnificent, I know.

It's very -- I've gone with

The minsk principles Of simplicity, you see.

I have a rudder, Steerable

From the bars, Cables,

And then it's just A chain drive down to prop

And I'm away.

And that's just the standard Pedalo -- sort of --

Yeah, this is just a pedalo With a few extra floats on it.

clarkson: I'd been even more ingenious,

turning my vespa

into a mississippi-style paddle steamer.

Well, as it turned out, My simple plan

Was very difficult, 'cause the vespa

Weighs 940,000 tons.

So I've needed

Four canoes Full of foam...

the main problem, though,

is that with cracked ribs,

I couldn't operate the kick start.

Could you start My engine for me?

'cause my right -- Neither of my legs are working.

As you're injured, I'll reduce the price.

900,000 dong.

clarkson: it was time for the off.

It's working!

I have propulsion!

Hey-hey!

clarkson: but then, in true "Top gear"

amphibious tradition, it all went wrong

for james.

first, he crashed into me.

Go away!

I'm trying!

Why are you doing this To me?

It's that way, You blithering idiot!

then he crashed into some netting.

Oh, bloody hell!

clarkson: and then,

as hammond and I got going...

Yeah! Once you've got it going, It's like...Water skiing!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

he sank.

No! No!

[bleep]

Why has it done that?

clarkson: as his boat was towed back to shore,

richard and I thought about going back to help.

but we didn't.

Hammond: I did not expect

Anything like this.

It's magnificent.

James, meanwhile, On the beach

In what can only be described As a crashed airliner,

A scene from "Lost."

What I've done is I have Hammond's spare pontoons

From the workshop Just over there,

I've employed these local blokes To use the best traditional

Vietnamese boat-building Knot technology

To lash it all together.

Gives me more buoyancy, Stops the stern

Falling into the water, Stops it filling up,

Honda putt-putt-putts away, Off I go,

But I have got a lot Of catching up to do.

clarkson: out in the bay, there were problems, too.

my vespa had stalled,

and I needed hammond's legs to kick it back into life.

Ow --

Ah!

Ah.

I'll get on my wasp.

Ah-yah-yah.

[ vespa starts ]

[ bleep ]

That was truly ridiculous.

Now all we've got to do Is get back to yours.

Oh!

Arsing hell.

We're going well So far.

Yeah, it's going very well.

may: half an hour later,

my new, improved boat was ready,

so I set off in pursuit of the others

and the elusive bar.

Come on!

Clarkson: there are 1,969 islands in here.

Ba hang?

Hammond: hello, ba hang!

Do you -- ba hang?

I think he thinks We're idiots.

Come on!

Yes!

Where'd they go?

hammond: we'd got desperate and had even resorted to

looking in caves.

You know when attenborough Travels the world

And goes to incredible Natural sites like this?

He doesn't usually pitch up On a homemade amphibious scooter

In a cloud of two-stroke smoke.

Clarkson: and that's where He's been going wrong.

♪ it's not a big motorcycle ♪

♪ just a groovy Little motorbike ♪

♪ it's more fun Than a barrel of monkeys ♪

♪ that two-wheeled bike ♪

Clarkson: if you've just Tuned in to britain's

Favorite car show, What's happened is,

Richard and I Have driven into a cave

Looking for a bar That isn't here,

And we have no reverse gear.

still, could be worse.

God, that was going So well.

My traditional vietnamese Fishing knots

Have come undone

And my centuries-old Fiberglass outrigger

Has drifted away.

Clarkson: This is gonna work.

hammond: after a 1,000-point turn,

jeremy and I were out of the cave.

I wasn't worried, I wasn't scared.

and with only a few hours of daylight left,

we really couldn't afford any more problems.

Ah!

Water has got into The electrical system

And 60,000 volts Is coursing through

Everything that's metal, Including the frame on the boat,

The frame of the bike...

our bike-skis were in a bad way.

May: come on!

but then --

Life, there's life!

It's a bar!

It's an umbrella, It's a bar!

The little speck over there Is hammond,

I'm sure of it.

Hammond!

Hammond!

It's there!

hammond: sadly, there wasn't much I could do

with this information...

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] Piece of [bleep]!

because my steering was broken.

All I can do Is go in circles.

Clarkson: beautiful.

hammond: and so it seemed

the non-biker would get there first.

Clarkson: come on!

Yes!

And that is how we do that.

the question now was, would all of us make it

before the eight-day deadline expired at sundown?

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]!

Wah!

I can't do anything

Because I haven't Got reverse.

clarkson: eventually, blind luck brought hammond

close to the pontoon

where I was sadly too busy to help him moor.

Just that bit of rope there, Look.

That rope is long enough.

Swim.

No.

Come on.

Come on.

Another foot...

Clarkson: put your back Into it!

Hammond: with the swan lined up,

I gave the engine a burst.

Ah-hah-hah!

Damn it.

Ha-hah-hah! [ laughs ]

Yes! Ha-hah-hah!

Clarkson: using nothing But currents and the wind,

Richard hammond's idiotic minsk Appears to have made it.

Have a beer.

now there were two of us to savor this amazing location.

I've just been finding out About this place.

The people who live here Are born here,

They live here, They fish here,

And they die here.

What, they never go On dry land?

They never go On dry land.

They spend their whole lives floating? They float around.

floating, though,

was becoming an issue for our colleague,

who'd just lost his second pontoon.

[ laughs ]

It's fallen apart.

[ laughs ]

Oh, come on!

[ both laugh ]

Shut up.

[ both laugh ]

You know, We left saigon,

"Well, one thing I can Absolutely guarantee

Is that my bike Will have made it."

[ laughs ]

It's been quite a journey, And that's the way it ends.

And there is james may Ending it.

Completing it.

I don't believe it.

[ both laugh ]

This is the worst arrival To a place

Ever made by anyone, James.

clarkson: the fact is,

though, it was an arrival.

our little bikes had made it.

oh, sure, there'd been break-downs,

accidents, and squabbles, but through the rain,

the draining humidity, the mad traffic,

and the tricky roads, they'd brought us

1,000 miles.

[ train whistle blows ]

nearly.

I have to say, though,

that despite the success, I'm still not sold on biking.

there are good moments, but it's mostly bad.

and I'm sorry, but our machines

were completely overshadowed

by this incredible, beautiful,

brilliant country.

it's hard to sum it up, really.

perhaps that's why people, when they get back

from this place, always say

the same thing -- "Vietnam --

"You don't know, man! you weren't there!"

-- captions by vitac -- www.Vitac.Com