Original subtitles

Mr Shakespeare? Who is it?

Mr Shakespeare? You there, sir? What do you want?

Theres a letter for you, sir

From the Queen

Thank you

Ow!

To my countryman and subject, Mr William Shakespeare

My admiration of your work for the stage is well known, sir

And for many an evening do I owe you for excellent entertainment

But news that you are to present a new play concerning King Henry the Fifth

without any appearance by that excellent rogue Sir John Falstaff

does, I must confess, much perplex me

I therefore request and require that you pen a new play

concerning the Knight Falstaff himself, for a Royal entertainment

and that performance of said play shall take place two weeks from today

Oh, my God!

And hereby signed, Her Royal Majesty, Elizabeth

Queen of England and Ireland and France

and Defender of the Faith

Oh dear right

Act 1

Oh yes, thats very good

Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a Star Chamber matter of it

If he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs

he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire, Justice of the Peace

And a gentleman born, Master Parson Ay, cousin Slender

If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you

I am of the Church

and will be glad to do my benevolence

to make atonements and compromises between you

The Council shall hear it, it is a riot

It is not meet the Council hear a riot. There is no fear of God in a riot

Ha! O my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it

It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it

What? Now

there is another device in my brain

which peradventure brings good discretions with it

There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Mister George Page

which is pretty virginity

Mistress Anne Page?

She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman

It is that very person, and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold and silver

God deliver to a joyful resurrections

has left her, when she is able

It were a good motion to leave our pribbles and prabbles

and desire a marriage between Master Abraham Slender and Mistress Anne Page

Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pounds?

Ay, and her father is make her a better penny

I know the young gentlewoman. She has good gifts

Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is good gifts

Well, let us see honest Mister Page

Is Falstaff there?

The knight, Sir John Falstaff, is there

And, I beseech you,

I will beat the door for Mister Page

Boyo! God bless your house here Whos there?

Here is Gods blessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow

and here, young Master Slender

I am glad to see your worships well

Mister Page, I am glad to see you

Is Sir John Falstaff here? Sir, he is within

He hath wronged me, Mister Page Ah, sir, he doth in some sort confess it

If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not that so, Mister Page?

He hath wronged me. Indeed he hath, at a word, he hath, believe me

Robert Shallow, esquire, saith he is wronged

Here comes Sir John

Now Mister Shallow, youll complain of me to the Queens Council?

Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge

But not kissed your keepers daughter?

This shall be answered

I will answer it straight

I have done all this. That is now answered

The Council shall know this

Twere better for you if it were known in council. Youll be laughed at

Master Slender, I broke your head. What matter have you against me?

Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against

They carried me to the tavern, made me drunk, and afterwards they picked my pocket

You Banbury cheese! Ay, it is no matter

How now, Mephistophiles! Ay, it is no matter

Slice, I say, slice! Thats my humour

Wheres Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?

Peace, peace, I pray you

I will make a brief of it in my notebook

and afterwards, will work upon the cause with as great discreetly as I can

Pistol! He hears with ears

"He hears with ears"? What phrase is this, why, it is affectations

Pistol, did you pick Master Slenders purse?

Ay, by these garms, did he,

two shilling and two pence apiece

Is this true, Pistol?

I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. Word of denial. Froth and scum, thou liest

By this ring, then, twas he Nym?

Be avised, sir, and pass good humours. Do not run the beadles humour on me

By these loafers, then, she had it

For though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk

yet I am not altogether an ass

Bardolph?

Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences

It is his "five senses". Fie, what the ignorance is!

And being completely fap, sir, was as they say cashiered

and so the conclusions past the careers

But tis no matter, for Ill neer be drunk whilst I live again

but in honest, civil, godly company

And if I be drunk, I shall be drunk with those that have the fear of God

and not with drunken knaves

That is a virtuous mind. Sir John, good worts

Good worts, good cabbage

You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen

You hear it

Ah, gentlemen!

Nay, daughter, carry the wine in

O heaven! This is Mistress Anne Page

How now, Mistress Ford!

Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met

By your leave, good mistress

Come, gentlemen, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner

Venison. I knew it!

Indeed gentlemen, and I hope we shall drink down all unkindness

I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here

How now, Simple! I must wait upon myself, now, must I?

Have you not the Book of Riddles about you, have you?

Book of Riddles? Why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake a fortnight last?

Come, coz, come, coz, we stay for you. A word with you, coz

There is, as twere, a tender What?

A kind of offer

about to be made by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me?

Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable

If it be so, I will do that that is reason

Nay, but understand me

So I do, sir

Master Slender, I will description the matter to you

if you be capacity of it

Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says

But that is not the question. The question is concerning your marriage

Ay, theres the point, sir Ay, marry, is it, the very point of it

To Mistress Anne Page

If it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands

But can you affection the woman? Can you love the maid?

I hope, sir, that I will do as it shall become one that does reason

Gods Lords and Ladies!

Cousin Abraham Slender, will you, upon good dowry, marry Anne Page?

I will marry her, sir, at your request

But if there be no great love in the beginning

yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance

when we are married and have more occasion to know one another

I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt

But if you say "Marry her", I will marry her. That I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely

Dissolutely? The word is "resolutely"

I think my cousin meant well

Here comes fair Mistress Anne

Mistress Anne, would I were young for your sake

The dinner is on the table. My father desires your company

I will wait upon him, fair Mistress Anne

Gods blessed will, I will not be absence at the grace

Go Sirrah, go wait upon my cousin

Will it please you to come in, sir?

No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily. I am very well

The dinner attends you, sir

I may not go in without you. They will not sit till you come

I faith, Ill eat nothing. I thank you as much as though I did

I pray you, sir, walk in I had rather stay here, I thank you

I bruised my shin the other day playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence

Why does your dog growl so?

Come, gentle Master Slender. Come, we stay for you

Ill eat nothing, I thank you, sir

By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir. Come, come

I pray you, Mistress Anne, lead the way

Simple! Go your ways, look you, and ask of Doctor Caius house

There dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse

or his dry nurse, his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer

Well, sir

Give her this letter

For it is a woman that altogether is acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page

And the letter is to desire and require her

to solicit your master, Abraham Slenders, desires to Mistress Anne Page

Pray you, be gone

I will make an end of my dinner, theres pippins and cheese to come

Mine Hostess of the Garter!

Speak scholarly and wisely

Truly, good Hostess, I must turn away some of my followers

Then discard, bully Hercules. Let them wag. Trot, trot

I sit at ten pounds a week

And you live like an Emperor, a Caesar, a Keisar, a Vizier

All right

I will entertain Bardolph. She shall draw, she shall tap

Said I well, bully Hector?

Do so, good mine Hostess I have spoke

Bardolph! Yes, Sir John

Let me see thee froth and lime

I am at a word, follow

What? Bardolph, follow her

A tapster is a good trade

Bardolph, wilt thou the spigot wield?

It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive

Well, she was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?

Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels

There is no remedy.

Young ravens must have food I love not the humour of bread and cheese

Which of you knows Ford of this town?

I ken him. He is of substance good

My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about Two yards or more

No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about

But I am now about no waste, I am about thrift

Briefly

I do mean to make love to Fords wife

I spy entertainment in her

She discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation

I can construe her action, which is in plain English

"I am Sir John Falstaffs"

He hath studied her well, and translated her will

out of honesty into English

Will that humour pass?

The report goes, she holds all the rule of her husbands purse

He hath a legion of angels

"To her, boy," say I The humour rises, its good

Humour me those angels

I have writ me here a letter to her. And here another to Pages wife

who even yesterday gave me good eyes too

examined my parts with most judicious oeillades

Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly

O, she did so course oer my exteriors with such a greedy intention

that the appetite of her eye

She bears the purse too

They shall be my East and West Indies, all gold and bounty

and I will trade to them both

Go there, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page

and thou this, to Mistress Ford

We will thrive, lads, we will thrive!

Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, and by my side wear steel?

Lucifer take all!

I will run no base humour. You take the letter, I will keep my reputation

And I mine honour Thine honour!

I have been content, sirs, you should lay my countenance to pawn

I am damned in hell for swearing my friends, you were good and tall fellows

And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan

I tookt upon mine honour thou hadst it not

Didst not we share? Hadst you not fifteen pence?

Reason, you rogues, reason. Thinkest thou Ill endanger my soul gratis?

At a word, hang no more about me

You would not bear a letter for me, you rogues?

Hence, avaunt!

Vanish like hailstones, go!

Trudge, plod away o the hoof, seek shelter, pack!

Falstaff will learn the humour of this age

French thrift, you rogues

You boy, be you my page

Whats your name? Robin

Robin, bear you these letters tightly Yes, Sir John

Let vultures gripe thy guts, base Phrygian Turk!

Why, now the worlds mine oyster, which I with sword shall open

I have ideas which would be humours of revenge

Revenge? Ay

With wit or steel? With both the humours, I

I will impart the humour of his love to Page

And I to Ford shall eke unfold

how Falstaff, varlet vile

Fords dove will prove, his gold will hold, and his soft bed defile

I will incense Page to deal with poison

For the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour

Thou art the Mars of malcontents

Really? I second thee, troop on

John Rugby! I prithee, go to the casement

and see if you can see my master, Doctor Caius, coming

If he do, i faith, and find any body in the house, he will be horn mad

Ill go watch

Go

And well have a posset for it soon at night, in faith

An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant come in house withal

And, I warrant you,

His worst fault is, that he is given to prayer

He is something peevish that way, but

nobody but has his fault

But let that pass

Peter Simple, you say your name is?

Ay, for want of a better

And Master Slenders your master? Ay

Ay, forsooth

Hes as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head

I do remember him

Does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

Yes, indeed, does he

Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune

Tell Mister Parson Evans Ill do what I can for your master

Annes a good girl, and I Out, alas! Here comes my master

We shall all be shent!

Run in here, good young man. Go in this closet

He will not stay long

What is you sing? I do not like these toys

Fe, fe, fe, fe, fe!

Ma foi, il fait fort chaud

Je men vais à la cour, la grande affaire

Oh là là. Quelle catastrophe, ce Brexit

Pray you, fetch me in my closet the

la boîte verte

The box, the green box

Do you intend what I speak?

The green box

Ay, forsooth, Ill fetch it you

Im glad he went not in himself

Is it this one, sir?

Dépêche, quickly. Quickly, Quickly

Where is that knave John Rugby?

John Rugby! John! Here, sir

You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby

Come, follow my heels to the court

There is some simples in my closet

that I will not for the world I shall leave behind

Ay me, hell find the young man in there

Merci beaucoup

O diable, diable! What is in my closet?

Villain!

Voleur! Scélérat! Larron!

Rugby, my rapier! Good master, be content

Wherefore should I be content? The young man is an honest man

What shall the honest man do in my closet?

There is no honest man that shall come in my closet

I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic

Hear the truth of it

He comes of an errand to me from Parson Hugh

Errand? What errand?

He would desire Peace, I pray you

Peace in your mouth

Speak your tale

He will desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid

to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page

for my master, Master Slender, in the way of marriage

This is all, indeed

But I would neer have done it

Sir Hugh send you?

Prepare me some paper

You, wait little while

I am glad he is so quiet

If hed been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him so loud

But listen, Ill do you your master what good I can

But the thing is, the French doctor, my master, well, I

My master, well, I call him my master, for I keep his house

I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour

dress meat and drink, make the beds and do all myself

but he, my master, is in love with Mistress Anne Page himself

But notwithstanding that, I know Annes mind

You jackanape, you give this letter to Sir Hugh

By gar, it is a challenge

I will cut his throat in the park

And I will teach a scurvy jackanape priest to meddle

You may be gone. It is not good you tarry here

By gar, I will cut all his two couilles

"bollocks"

By gar, he will not have a ball left to throw for his dog

Alas, he speaks but for his friend

Its no matter for that

Do not you tell me that. I shall have Anne Page for myself

By gar, I will kill the priest

And I have assigned mine Hostess of the Garter to decide where we meet

to measure our weapons

By gar, I will myself have Anne Page

Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well

We must give folk leave to prate

Rugby, come to the court with me

By gar, if I do not have Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my doors

Follow my heels, Rugby

You shall have An fools head of your own

Whos there? What ho

Oh Master Fenton! Come in, I pray you

How now, good woman, how dost thou?

The better that it pleases your good worship to ask

What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?

In truth, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle, and she is your friend

I can tell you that, and I praise heaven for it

Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit?

Master Fenton, Ill be sworn on a book, she loves you

Have not your worship a wart above your eye? Yes, marry, have I. What of that?

Well, thereby hangs a tale

Good faith, she is such a one. But, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread

We had an hours talk of that wart

Indeed, shes much given to allicholy and musing for you

Well, I shall see her today. Hold, theres money for thee

Let me have thy voice in my behalf. If thou seest her before me, commend me

Will I? Ifaith, that I will

And I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence

and of other wooers

Well, farewell. I am in great haste now Farewell to your worship

Truly, an honest gentleman

But Anne loves him not, for I know Annes mind for that

Never a woman in Windsor knows more of Annes mind than I do

Out upont, what have I forgot?

and am I now a subject for them? Let me see

"Ask me no reason why I love you"

"For though Love use Reason for his confessor"

"he admits him not for his counsellor"

"You are not young"

"no more am I. Go to then, theres sympathy"

"You are merry, so am I. Ha, ha, then theres more sympathy"

"You love drink, and so do I. Would you desire better sympathy?"

"Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at least, if the love of soldier can suffice"

"that I love thee"

"I will not say, pity me, tis not

"By me, thine own true knight, By day or night, or any kind of light"

"With all his might for thee to fight"

"John Falstaff"

John Falstaff? O wicked world!

worn to pieces with age

showing himself a young gallant!

And what an unweighed behaviour

hath this Flemish drunkard picked out of my conversation

that he dares in this manner assay me?

Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What did I say to him?

I was then frugal of my mirth, heaven forgive me

Why, Ill exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men

How shall I be revenged on him?

For revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings

Mistress Page! Meg!

Alice! You look very ill

Nay, Ill neer believe that, I have to show to the contrary

Oh Meg, give me some counsel Whats the matter?

If it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour

Hang the trifle, woman, take the honour. What is it?

Dispense with trifles, what is it?

If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so

I could be knighted

What? Here, read, read

Perceive how I might be knighted

I shall think the worse of fat men

as long as I have an eye to make difference of mens liking

How shall I be revenged on him?

I think the best way were to entertain him with hope

until the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease

Did you ever hear the like?

Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs

I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters

writ with blank space for different names

Sure, more, and he will print them, out of doubt

For he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two

I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man

Why, this is the very same, the very hand, the very words

What doth he think of us? Nay, I know not

Sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself

he would never have boarded me in this fury

"Boarding" call you it? Ill be sure to keep him above deck

So will I

If he come under my hatches, Ill never to sea again

Lets be revenged on him

I will consent to act any villany against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty

That my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food to his jealousy

My husbands as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause

You are the happier woman

Lets consult together against this greasy knight

Come, come

Nay, I hope it be not so And this is true

I love not the humour of lying

He loves your wife Yes, Sir John affects thy wife

Why, sir, my wife is not young

He loves your wife. Theres the short and the long

He woos both high and low, both rich and poor both young and old

one with another, he loves them all

Loves my wife!

My name is Nym

And Falstaff loves your wife

With liver burning hot

Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night

Take heed, ere summer comes

Adieu

Believe it, Page, he speaks sense

Farewell

I will find out this

"The humour of it," quoth he! Heres a fellow frights English out of his wits

I will seek out Falstaff I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue

If I do find it, well I will not believe him

Twas a good sensible fellow, well

You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

Yeah, and you heard what the other told me? Do you think theres truth in em?

Hang em, slaves! These that accuse him in his intent towards our wives

are a yoke of his discarded men. Very rogues, now they be out of service

Were they his men? Marry, were they

I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?

Ay, marry, does he

If he should intend this voyage towards my wife, I shall turn her loose to him

And what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head

I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath to turn em together

A man may be too confident

Whither go you, George? How now, Meg

How now, sweet Frank

Why art thou melancholy?

I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you in, go

Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Will you go in, Meg?

Have with you. Youll come to dinner, George

Look who comes yonder

She shall be our messenger to this paltry knight

Aye, I thought on her. Shell fit it

You are come to see my daughter Anne?

Ay, forsooth. And how does good Mistress Anne?

Go in with us and see. Well have an hours talk with you

I follow, mine Hostess, I follow

Look where my ranting Hostess of the Garter comes

There is either liquor in her pate or money in her purse

when she looks so merrily

How now, mine Hostess

Good day, good Mister Page! Mister Page, will you go with us?

We have sport in hand Tell him, Cavaliero Justice, tell him

Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest

and Caius the French doctor

Good mine Hostess of the Garter, a word with you

What sayest thou?

Will you go with us to behold it? My merry Hostess

My merry Hostess

My merry Hostess hath appointed them contrary places

Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be

I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier

Ah Mister Page, I have seen the time, with my long sword

I would have made four tall fellows skip like rats

You mean my knight, my guest Sir John?

I do! And Ill give you a bottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him

and tell him my name is Brook, only for a jest

My hand, bully

Thou shalt have egress and regress. Said I well?

And thy name shall be Brook

He is a merry knight. Will you go with us?

Come come, mine Hostess Boys, boys, let us wag

Though Page be a secure fool, he stands so firmly on his wifes frailty

yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily

She was in Falstaffs company at Pages house

and what they made there, I know not

Well, I will look further into it. And Ill have a disguise to sound Falstaff

If I find her honest, I lose not my labour

If she be otherwise

tis labour well bestowed

Sir

theres a woman would speak with you Let her approach

Cheers

Give your worship good morrow Good morrow, good wife

Not so, ant please your worship Good maid, then

Ill be sworn, as my mother was, the first hour I was born

I do believe the swearer

What with me?

Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

Two thousand, fair lady, and Ill vouchsafe thee the hearing

There is one Mistress Ford, sir

I pray, come a little nearer this ways

I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius Well, on. Mistress Ford, you say

Your worship says very true

I pray your worship, come a little nearer this ways

Bardolph thingamajig Robin!

Get thee hence

Well now

Mistress Ford. What of her?

Why, sir, shes a good creature

Lord, Lord! Your worships a wanton

Heaven forgive you and all of us, I pray

Mistress Ford. Come, Mistress Ford

Marry, this is the short and the long of it

You have brought her into such a canaries as tis wonderful

The best courtier of them all could never have brought her to such a canaries

Yet, there has been knights, and lords

and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant you

Coach after coach

letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly all musk

And so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, that would have won any womans heart

And, I warrant you,

They could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all

And which is more, there has been earls, but, I warrant you, all is one with her

But what says she to me?

Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times

And she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house

between five and six this evening

Five and six? Ay, truly

And then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of

Mister Ford, her husband, will be from home

Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him

Hes a very jealousy man

She leads a very frampold life with him, good heart

Five and six. Woman, commend me to her. I will not fail her

Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship

Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too

And let me tell you in your ear

she is as fartuous a civil modest wife as any in these parts

And she bade me tell you that her husband is seldom from home

But she hopes there will come a time

La! I never knew any two women so dote upon a man

In truth, I think you have charms

Charms? No, not I, I assure you

Setting the attractions of my good parts aside

I have no other charms

Blessings on your heart for it! But, I pray thee, tell me this

Has Fords wife and Pages wife

acquainted each other how they love me?

That were a jest indeed!

They would not have so little grace, I hope. That were a trick indeed

But Mistress Page desires that you send her your servant Robin

Her husband has a marvellous infection for the boy

And then he may come and go between you both that you may know one anothers mind

Why, I will. Robin, go along with this woman

Fare thee well, commend me to them both. I am yet thy debtor

This news distracts me!

Well, go thy ways old Jack

Ill make more of thy old body than I have done

Wilt thou yet look after me?

Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer?

Good body

I thank thee

Sir John

Sir John, theres one Mister Brook without

would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you

And hath sent your worship a mornings draught of sack

Brook is his name?

Ay, sir Call him in

Such Brooks are welcome to me, that oerflow such liquor

Bless you, sir And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

Bardolph, give us leave

Sir, I am a gentleman.

The name is Brook, Yakov Brook

Good Mister Yakov Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you

Good Sir John, I sue for yours. And I have a bag of money here troubles me

If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all or half, for easing me of the carriage

Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter

I will tell you

There is a gentlewoman in this town. Her husbands name

is Ford Well, sir

I have long loved her

And, I protest to you, bestowed much on her

Not only bought many presents to give her

but have also given to others to know what she would wish to be given

Briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me

which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But..

whatsoever I have merited, reward, I am sure, I have received none

Unless experience be a jewel that hath taught me to say this

Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues

Pursuing that it flies, and flying what pursues

Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?

Never Have you importuned her to such an end?

Never! To what purpose then have you

unfolded this to me?

When I have told you that, I have told you all

Some say, that though she appear honest to me

yet in other places, she enlarges her mirth so far

that there is shrewd construction made of her

Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose

You are a gentleman of excellent breeding

great standing, admirable discourse, respected in your place and person

O, sir! Believe it, sir, for you know it

There is money

Take some

Only give me so much of your time in exchange of it

as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Fords wife

Use your art of wooing

Vooing?

Wooing. Win her to consent to you. If any man may, you may

Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection

that I should win what you would enjoy?

Understand my drift

She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour

that the wantonness of my soul dares not present itself

She is too bright to be looked against

But, could I could come to her with any detection in my hand

my desires had evidence and argument to commend themselves

What say you to it, Sir John?

Mister Brook, I will first make bold with your money

Next, give me your hand. And last, as I am a gentleman

you shall, if you will, enjoy Fords wife

Want no money, Sir John. You shall want none

Want no Mistress Ford, Mister Brook, you shall want none

I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment

Even as you came in to me,

I say I shall be with her between five and six

For at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth

Come to me at night. You shall know how I speed

Do you know Ford, Sir John? I know him not

But they say he hath masses of money

for the which his wife

I will use her as the key of her cuckoldy husbands coffers

I would you knew him, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him

I will stare him out of his wits, I will awe him with my cudgel

Thou, Mister Brook, shalt know I will predominate over this peasant

and thou shalt lie with his wife

Fords a knave, and I will aggravate his style

Thou, Mister Brook, shall know him for a knave and cuckold

Come to me soon at night

What a damned Epicurean rascal is this!

My heart is ready to crack with impatience

Who says this is improvident jealousy?

My wife hath sent to him. The hour is fixed, the match is made

Would any man have thought this?

See the hell of having a false woman

My bed is to be be abused

my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at

And I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but shall be called abominable names

and by him that does me this wrong

Cuckold! The devil himself hath not such names

Page is an ass, a secure ass

He will trust his wife, he will not be jealous

I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter

Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese

or an Irishman with my whisky bottle

than my wife with herself

Then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises

And what they think in their hearts, they may effect

God be praised for my jealousy!

Five oclock the hour

I will prevent this, detect my wife

be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page

I will about it. Better three hours too soon than a minute too late

Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!

Jack Rugby Sir?

What is the clock, Jack?

Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet

By gar, he has save his soul that he has not come

He has pray his Bible well that he is not come

By gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come

He is wise, sir. He knew that you would kill him, if he came

By gar, the doornail is no dead so as I will kill him

Its good English, no?

Here. Take the rapier, I will show you how I will kill him

Alas, sir, I cannot fence Villainy, take the rapier

Hold on, heres company

What be all you, one, two, three, four, come for?

To see thee fight To see thee foin

To see thee here, to see thee there To see thy punto, thy stock

Where is he? Is he dead?

What say you? Is he dead, my bully, is he dead?

By gar, he is the coward Jack priest of the world

He dare not show his face

Well, thou art a Hector of Greece, my boy

Pray witness that we have stay for six or seven hours for him

For two or three hours for him and he is not come

He is the wiser man, Doctor

He is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies

If you should fight, you go against the hair of your profession

Is it not true, Mister Page?

Mister Shallow, you have yourself once been a great fighter

Ah! Indeed, Mister Page, though I now be of the peace

if I see a sword out, my finger itches

So we are justices and doctors and churchmen

we have some salt of our youth in us, Mister Page

We are the sons of women, Mister Page Tis true, Mister Shallow

Pardon, croissant,

Pardon.

valour, bully. Valour!

as the Englishman

And the Welshman

I will cut off his ears

No. but His ears

Clapper claw? What is that?

That is, he will make thee amends Amends!

for, by gar, I will have it

And I will provoke him to it, or let him wag

I thank you for that And, moreover, bully

But first, Mister Shallow, and Mister Page, and you young Mister Slender

go you through the town to Frog Lane

Sir Hugh is there, is he? He is there

See what humour he is in

and I will bring the Doctor about the back way

Will it do well? We will do it

Adieu, Doctor Caius Adieu

Adieu, adieu.

By gar, I will kill the priest

for he speak for the jackanape Slender to Anne Page

Yeah, let him die, yeah.

But come, Doctor

first, sheathe thy impatience, pour cold water on thy choler

And go through the streets with me to Frog Lane

I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page

and thou shalt woo her

Said I well? By gar, I thank you for that

By gar, I love you

I will procure you the good guest for your pub

My patients. The earl, the knight, the count

The count? The countess

The gentlewomen That is well said. Let us wag, then

Follow my heels, Jack Rugby

Pray you now, Simple,

which way have you looked for Mister Caius, that calls himself Doctor of Physic?

every way but the town way

I most vehemently desire you, you will also look that way

I will, sir

Bless my soul, how full of cholers I am

and trembling of mind

Ill knog his urinals about his knaves costard

,,,when I have good opportunities for it

Bless my soul!

Iesu mawr, Diawi bach, Coc oen

Guide me, O thou great Redeemer

pilgrim through this barren land

I am weak

Mercy on me! I have a great disposition to cry

but thou art mighty

hold me with thy powerful hand

Bread of heaven, bread of heaven

feed me now and ever more

A heavenly choir of Welsh angels

Marvellous. I tell you what

Why dont we all sing the last line all together?

Lets give it a go

And give it some good Welsh welly

Ready? And

Feed me now and ever more

Stop, stop, stop

Thats hopeless!

"Welsh welly" not "English porridge"!

Lets try it again. Think Cardiff Arms Park

Ready, and

Feed me now and ever more

Yonder he is coming this way, Sir Hugh

Hes welcome

What weapons is he?

And here comes my master, Master Slender, and two other gentlemen, this way

How now, Mister Parson Save you, good Sir Hugh

God bless you from his mercy sake, all of you

We are come to you to do a good office, good Sir Hugh

Very well, what is it?

Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, like you

having received wrong by some person

is at most odds with his own gravity and patience as ever you saw

In all my years, I never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning

so at odds with his own reputation

What is he? I think you know him

He is Mister Doctor Caius, the famous French physician

Bless my soul and his passion of my heart!

I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge

Why? Hes a knave

A cowardly knave as you would be desires to have acquaintance with

And hes the man should fight with him It appears so by his weapons

Keep them asunder, here he comes. Hes coming now!

Disarm them!

Let them keep their limbs whole and rather hack our English language

Wherefore will you not meet with me?

What? Put em down

By gar, you are a coward

Ill knog your urinals about your knaves costard

for missing your meetings and appointments

Jack Rugby, have I not stay for him to kill him?

Mine Hostess of the Garter, have I not stay at the place you did appoint?

As I am a Christian soul now, look you, this is the place appointed

Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul

French and Welsh,

Ah, thats very good, excellent

Peace, I say! And hear me, your Hostess of the Garter

Oh, am I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel?

Shall I lose my doctor?

He gives me the potions and the motions

Shall I lose my parson, my priest, Master Hugh?

No!

Give me your hand, terrestrial, so

Not you!

Give me your hand, celestial, so

Boys

I have deceived you both

I have directed you to the wrong places

Your hearts are mighty, your skin is whole

and let us end it in a vat of good wine

Follow, lads of peace, follow

Trust me, a mad Hostess. Follow, gentlemen, follow

I pray you, let me speak a word in your ears

Do I perceive that she has made the fool of both of us?

Yes, she has made us a laughing stock

Come, I desire you, that

we may be friends

By gar

with all my heart

By gar, she has deceive me too. She promised to bring me where is Anne Page

Well, I will smite her noddles. Let us go

Noddles? What is that? I will teach thee

Jack Rugby, you go home. I will come anon

Now, I pray you, follow

Nay, keep your way, young gallant

You were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader

Whether had you lead mine eyes, or eye your masters heels?

I had rather go before you like a man than follow him like a boy

You are a flattering one. Now I see youll be a courtier

Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

To see your wife, sir. Is she at home?

Ay, and idle for want of company

I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry

Be sure of that, yes. Two other husbands

I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of

What do you call your masters name, sirrah? Sir John Falstaff

Sir John Falstaff?

Thats it, I can never hit on his name

Is your wife home, sir? Indeed she is

Then by your leave, sir, I am sick till I see her

Has Page any brains?

Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking?

Sure, his senses sleep. He hath no use of em

Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon will shoot twelve score

He encourages his wifes urges, he gives her folly motion and advantage

And now shes going to my wife, and Falstaffs boy with her

Good plots, they are laid

And Falstaffs boy with her!

And our revolted wives share damnation together

Well

I will take Falstaff

then torment my wife

Pluck the borrowed veil of modesty

divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful cuckold

And at these proceedings, all my neighbours shall applaud

The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search

There I shall find Falstaff

I shall be rather praised for this than mocked

For it is as positive as the earth is firm

that Falstaff is there. I will go

A good knot! Gentlemen, Mistress Hostess

I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with me

I must excuse myself, Mister Ford And so must I, sir

We have appointed to meet with Mistress Anne

and I would not break with her for more money than Ill speak of

We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender

and this day we shall have our answer

I hope I have your good will, father Page?

You have, son Slender. I stand wholly for you

But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether

Oui, by gar, and the maid is love me. My Mistress Quickly tell me so much

What say you to young Master Fenton?

He capers, he dances

he has the eyes of youth

he writes verses, he speaks holiday

He smells April and May

He will carry it, he will carry it, tis in his buttons

He will carry it Not by my consent, I promise you

The gentleman is of too high a region

No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance

If he take her, let him take her simply

The wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way

I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner

Besides your cheer, you shall have sport. I will show you a monster

Master Doctor, you shall come. So shall you, Mister Page, and you, Sir Hugh

Well, fare you well

You shall come, Mistress Hostess

Oh, no, my hearts

I must back to my honest knight Sir Falstaff

and drink some canary with him

I think I shall drink pipe wine first with him. Ill make him dance

Will you go, gentles? Have with you to see this monster

What, Jan! What, Radek! Quickly, quickly! Is the wheelie bin?

I warrant. What, Radek, I say! Come, come, come

Here, put it over there Give your men the charge, we must be brief

Marry, as I told you before, Jan and Radek

And when I suddenly call you, come forth

Come forth and without any pause or staggering

take the bin out of the house. Out the house

That done, wheel with it in all haste down the lane

Down the lane And there empty it

in the muddy ditch by the ford, close by the canal

You will do it? I have told them over and over

They lack no direction

Yeah, we do it

Good

Be gone and come when you are called

Here comes young Robin

How now, my little fledgling. What news with you?

My master, Sir John, is come in at your back door, Mistress Ford

and requests your company

have you been true to us?

Ay, Ill be sworn. My master knows not of your being here

Thou art a good boy. This secrecy of thine will be a tailor to thee

and shall make thee a new doublet and hose

Ill go hide me Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone

Oh, and

Mistress Page, remember you your cue

I warrant thee, if I do not act, hiss me

Right, then

Well use this gross watery pumpian

Well teach him to know turtles from jays

Ah! Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?

Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough

This is the pinnacle of my ambition

O this blessed hour! O sweet Sir John!

Mistress Ford, I cannot lie. Now shall I sin in my wish

I would thy husband were dead

Ill speak it before the best lord

I One moment

I would make thee my lady

I your lady, Sir John! Alas, I should be a pitiful lady

O let the court of France show me such another

I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond

And thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow

that would become a ship tiara

a tiara valiant or any tiara of the Venetian style

A plain sunhat, Sir John

My brows become nothing else, nor that well neither

By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so

Thou wouldst make an absolute courtier

And the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion

I see what thou mightst be

Come, thou canst not hide it

Believe me, there is no such thing in me

What made me love thee?

Let that persuade thee theres something extraordinary in thee

Come, I cannot lie and say thou art this and that

that call themselves men. I cannot

But I love thee

I love thee, and none but thee, and thou deservest it

Do not betray me, Sir John. I fear you love Mistress Page

No! Mistress Page is as hateful to me

Oi!

Well, heaven knows how I love you

and you shall one day find it

And Ill deserve it

Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford!

Heres Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly

and would needs speak with you immediately

She shall not see me. I will ensconce me

Under here Under there?

Under there

Pray you, do so. Shes a very tattling woman

Quick, quick, quick!

Weve not much time, sir This may take me a couple of moments

Im down

Right

Lower it! Here we go.

How now! Whats the matter?

O Alice Ford what have you done?

Youre shamed, youre overthrown, youre undone for ever!

What mean you? Whats the matter?

Having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

What cause of suspicion? What cause of suspicion?

Out upon you! How am I mistook in you!

Why, alas, whats the matter?

Why, woman! Your husbands coming hither, with all the officers of the county

To search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house

by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence

You are undone Tis not so, I hope

Pray heaven tis not so, that you have such a man here!

But tis most certain your husbands coming, with half the town at his heels

to search for such a one. I come before to tell you

If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it

But if you have a friend here convey, convey him out

Dont just stand there, call all your senses to you

Defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever

What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear friend

And I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril

For shame! For shame! Your husbands here at hand

Bethink you of some conveyance, you cannot hide him in the house

O, how you have deceived me

Oh look, there is a wheelie bin

If he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here, throw stuff upon him

and send him by your two men to the ditch by the canal

Hes too big to go in there. What shall I do?

Let me see it, let me see it!

Help me!

One, two, three, heave!

Please, please. Just

let me see it

Ill in, Ill in. Follow your friends counsel, Ill in

What, Sir John Falstaff! Is it you, knight?

I love thee and none but thee

Help me away. Let me creep in here

Get a run up

Jan, Radek!

Here, sir

Leg!

Oh no, oh no

Oh, what have I sat in?

Help cover your master, boy

You dissembling knight!

Come quickly.

Dont dawdle. Quickly, go

Pray you, come near. If I suspect without cause

why then make sport at me. Then let me be your jest, I deserve it

How now! Whither bear you this?

Canal

Tipping ditch Canal

Why, what have you to do whither they bear the rubbish?

Rubbish!

I wish I could rid myself of more than rubbish

Go on then, get out!

Gentlemen, here, here, here be my keys

Ascend my chambers. Search, seek, find out

Ill warrant well unkennel the fox

Good Mister Ford, be contented. You wrong yourself too much

True, Mister Page

In, gentlemen. You shall see sport anon

Follow me, gentlemen!

This is very fantastical humours and jealousies

By gar, tis not the fashion of France

It is not jealous in France

Nay, follow, gentlemen. See the results of his search

Is there not a double excellency in this?

I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John

What a shaking was he in when your husband asked what was in the wheelie bin

I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaffs being here

For I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now

I will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff

Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him again

to excuse his throwing into the canal?

And give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?

We will do it. Let him be sent for again

I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of that he could not compass

Heard you that?

You use me well, Mister Ford, do you? Ay, I do so

Heaven make you better than your thoughts

Amen

You do yourself mighty wrong, Mister Ford Ay, ay. I must bear it

If there be anybody in the house, and in the chambers

and in the coffers, and in the cupboards

heaven forgive my sins at the Day of Judgement

By gar, and I too. There is no bodies

Fie, fie, Ford, are you not ashamed?

What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination?

I would not have your distemper in this kind for all the world

Tis my fault, Page. I suffer for it You suffer for a bad conscience

Your wife is as honest a woman as I will desire among five thousand

and five hundred too

By gar, I see she is an honest woman

Well, I promised you a dinner. I pray you, pardon me

I will henceforth let you know why I have done this

Wife, Mistress Page

I pray you, pardon me

I pray heartily, pardon me

Lets go in, gentlemen. But, trust me, well mock him

I do invite you tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast

Shall it be so?

Anything. Pray you, go in

If there be one, I shall make two in the company

And if there be one or two, I shall make the third

Bardolph, I say Yes, Sir John

Go fetch me a pint of warm sack

Put a toast int Yes, Sir John

Have I lived to be carried in a wheelie bin

like a barrow of butchers offal

and to be thrown into a canal?

Well, if I be served such another trick, Ill have my brains taen out and buttered

and give them to a dog

The rogues slighted me into the filthy water with as little remorse

as they would have drowned a blind bitchs puppies, fifteen in the litter

And you may know by my size that I have a kind of

alacrity in sinking

If the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down

I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow

Drowning is a death that I abhor, for the water swells a man

And what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled!

Heres your sack, sir

And theres Mistress Quickly, sir

Shall I admit her? Call her in

Come in, woman

By your leave

I cry you mercy. Give your worship good een

Go, fetch me another pint of sack With egg, sir?

Simple of itself, Ill no pullet sperm in my brewage

Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford

Mistress Ford!

I have had ford enough

I was thrown into the ford

I had my belly full of ford

Alas the day! Good heart, this was not her fault

She does so take on with those men

They mistook their erection

So did I mine

to build upon a foolish womans promise

Well, she laments, sir, for it, would yearn your heart to see it

But now, her husband goes

And she desires you once more to come to her at her house

I must carry her word quickly

Shell make you amends, I warrant you

Well, I will visit her. Tell her so

and bid her think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty

and then judge of my merit

I will tell her

Tomorrow evening, sayest thou? Tomorrow morning, sir

Well be gone. I will not miss her Peace be with you, sir

Heres your sack, sir

And theres Mister Brook, sir Admit him not

My garments!

Comb over, comb over!

Let him approach

Bless you, sir

Now, Mister Brook, you come to know what hath passed

between me and Fords wife?

That, indeed, Sir John, is my business

Mister Brook, I will not lie to you

I was at her house the hour she appointed me

And how fared you, sir?

How so? Did she change her determination?

No, Mister Brook

For no sooner had we embraced, kissed, protested

and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy

but the sneaking cuckold her husband

dwelling in a continual hysteria of jealousy and distemper

comes me in that instant, and at his heels a rabble of his companions

to search his house for his wifes love

What, while you were there? While I was there

And did he search for you, and could not find you?

You shall hear

As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page

gives intelligence of Fords approach

and, in her invention, they conveyed me into a wheelie bin

A wheelie bin? By the Lord, a wheelie bin

Oh Mister Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good

A wheelie bin so rammed me in with foul matter

that there was the rankest compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril

And how long lay you there? You shall hear

Being thus crammed in the wheelie bin

a couple of Fords knaves were called forth by their mistress to convey me out

But they met the jealous knave, their master, coming in

who asked them once or twice, what they had in their wheelie bin

I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave should have searched it

But fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand

Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for foul dregs

A man of my kidney. think of that, Mister Brook

that am as subject to heat as butter, stopped in with stinking swill and scrapings

Think of that, Mister Brook! It was a miracle I scaped suffocation

And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in my own grease

to be thrown into a canal, and cooled

glowing hot, into that surge,

Think of that, hissing hot

Think of that, Mister Brook

In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this

My suit then is desperate. Youll undertake her no more?

Not so, Mister Brook

I will be thrown into Etna ere I leave her thus

I have received from her

Come to me at your convenient leisure in the afternoon

and you shall know how I speed

And the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her

You shall have her, Mister Brook. Mister Brook, you shall cuckold Ford

Your bath is ready, sir

Adieu

Robin

Is this a vision?

Is this a dream? Do I sleep?

Ford, awake!

Awake, Ford!

Theres a hole made in your best coat

This is to be married!

Well, I will now take the lecher

He will be at my house, he cannot scape me

Tis impossible he should

He cannot creep into a hapenny purse,

But, lest the devil that guides him should aid him

Ill search impossible places

Though what I am I cannot avoid

yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame

If I have horns to make one mad

let the proverb go with me

Oh. My. God

I see I cannot get thy fathers love

Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Anne

He doth object I am too great of birth

and that, my state being stung by my expense

I seek to heal it only by his wealth

And tells me tis a thing impossible that I should love thee but as a property

Maybe he tells you true No, heaven so speed me in my time to come

Albeit, I will confess thy fathers wealth

was the first motive that I wood thee, Anne

Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value than stamps

or gold, or sums in sealed bags

And tis the very riches of thyself which now I aim at

Gentle Master Fenton, yet seek my fathers love. Still seek it, sir

If opportunity and humblest suit cannot attain it, why, then

Hark you, hither!

Mistress Quickly, break their talk. My kinsman shall speak for himself

Hark ye, Anne

Master Slender would speak a word with you

I come to him. This is my fathers choice

And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you

To her, coz

Im afeard

Mistress Anne

My cousin loves you

Ay, that I do, as I love any woman in Windsor

He will maintain you like a gentlewoman Ay, that I will

He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds a year

Good Mister Shallow, let him woo for himself

I thank you for it. I thank you for that good comfort

Coz, Ill leave you

Now, Master Slender Now, good Mistress Anne

What is your will?

My will?

Ods heartlings, thats a pretty jest indeed! I neer made my will yet

I thank heaven, Im not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise

I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?

Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with you

But your father and my cousin have made motions

If it be my luck, so. If not, happy man be his dole!

They can tell you how things go better than I can

You may ask your father, here he comes

Now, son Slender. Love him, daughter Anne

Why, how now! What does Master Fenton here?

You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my manor

I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of

Nay, Mister Page, be not impatient

Good Master Fenton, come not to my child She is no match for you

Sir, will you hear me?

No

good Master Fenton

Come, Shallow. Come, son Slender, in

Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton

Speak to Mistress Page

Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter

in such a righteous fashion as I do

Perchance, against all checks, rebukes and manners

I must advance the colours of my love

and not retire. Let me have your good will

Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool, Master Slender

I mean it not. I seek you a better husband

Thats my master, Master Doctor

I had rather be buried alive in the earth and bowled to death with turnips

Come, trouble not yourself

Good Master Fenton, I will not be your enemy, nor friend

My daughter will I question how she loves you

and as I find her, so am I affected

Till then, fare you well, sir

She must needs go in, her father will be angry

Come on

Farewell, gentle mistress

Farewell, Anne

This is my doing, Master Fenton

"I will not be your enemy", this is my doing

I thank thee, and I pray thee, once tonight give my sweet Anne this ring

Heres for thy pains

Now heaven send thee good fortune

A kind heart he hath

A woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart

Mistress Ford

your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance

I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hairs breadth

Not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love

but in all the accoutrement, complement and ceremony of it

But are you sure of your husband now?

What, ho, Alice Ford! What, ho!

Step into the Under the Behind the barbecue!

How now, sweetheart!

Whos at home besides yourself? Why, no one

Indeed? No, certainly

Speak louder

Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here

Why? Why, woman

your husband is in his old lunes again

He so takes on yonder with my husband

so rails against all married mankind, so curses all Eves daughters

of what complexion soever, and so buffets himself on the forehead

that any madness I ever yet beheld

seemed but tameness, civility and patience to this distemper he is in now

I am so glad the fat knight is not here

Why, does he talk of him? Of none but him

Swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a wheelie bin

Protests to my husband he is here now

and hath drawn him and the rest of their company

from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion

But I am glad the knight is not here. Now your husband will see his own foolery

How near is he, Mistress Page? Hard by, at street end. He will be here anon

I am undone! The knight is here!

Why then, you are utterly shamed, and hes but a dead man

What a woman are you! Away with him, away with him!

Which way should he go? How should I bestow him?

Shall I put him in the wheelie bin again?

No, Ill come no more in the wheelie bin!

May I not go out ere he come?

Alas, three of Mister Fords brothers

watch the doors with pistols, that none shall issue forth

Otherwise you might slip away ere he came

What shall I do? Where shall I go? I know not, there is no hiding you

Ill go out then

If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John

Unless Unless

Unless? Unless you go out disguised

How might we disguise him? Alas the day, I know not

Theres no womans gown big enough, otherwise he might so escape

Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity rather than a mischief

My maids aunt, the fat woman of Brentwood, has a gown above

On my word, it will serve him, shes as big as he is. Run up, Sir John

Well come dress you straight. Put on the gown the while

My husband cannot abide the fat woman of Brentwood

He swears shes a witch

Forbade her my house and hath threatened to beat her if he finds her here

Heaven guide him to thy husbands cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

But is my husband coming? He is

Right

Ill appoint my men to wheel the bin again

to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time

whilst you go dress Falstaff like the witch of Brentwood

I will, dishonest varlet! We cannot misuse him enough

Jan! Radek! Jan!

Well leave a proof, by that which we will do

wives may be merry, and yet honest too

Go, sirs, to the bin again

Your master is hard at door. If he bid you open it, obey him

Stop, villains! Somebody call my wife. O now shall the devil be shamed

What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!

This is mad as a mad dog Come hither, Mistress Ford

Mistress Ford, the honest woman

the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband

I suspect without cause, mistress, do I?

Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty

Come forth, sirrah

This passes! Are you not ashamed? Morbleu!

I shall find you anon Tis unreasonable, come away

Empty the bin, I say! Why, man, why?

By my fidelity, this is not well, Mister

Mister Page, as I am a man

there was one conveyed from my house yesterday in this bin

Why may not he be there again?

In my house I am sure he is

My intelligence is true, my jealousy is reasonable

Here is no man

Nom de dieu!

Mister Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart

This is jealousies. The coals thereof are fiery coals and a vehement flame

Hes not here I seek for No, nor nowhere else but in your brain

Help to search my house this one time

If I find not what I seek,

Satisfy me once more. Once more search with me

What, ho, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down

My husband will come into the chamber Old woman! What old womans that?

It is my maid, Elena Popescu, her aunt, the fat woman of Brentwood

The fat woman of Brentwood!

The witch! Shes a witch?

You witch, you hag, you come down, I say!

Nay, good, sweet husband!

Good gentlemen, let him not harass the old woman

Come, give me your hand Mother Popescu

Popescu? Ill Popescu you! No, Mister Ford

Ford?

Where is she? Have we killed her?

Elle a disparu, la sorcière

Oh my god! Hang her, witch!

By yea and no, I think the woman is a witch

I like it not when a woman has such hair upon her chest

Now, gentlemen, I beseech you, follow me. See but the issue of my jealousy

What? Falstaff is here

If I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I cry again

Lets obey his humour a little further. Follow, gentlemen

He beat him most pitifully

Nay, by the mass, that he did not. Methought he beat him most unpitifully

What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood

and the witness of a good conscience

pursue him with any further revenge?

The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of him

He will never, I think, attempt us again

Get off

Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?

By all means, yes, if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husbands brains

Ill warrant theyll have him publicly shamed

But if the unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted

we two will still be the ministers We will

Come, to the forge with it then, shape it. I would not have things cool

Forsooth, I would my master had Mistress Anne

or I would Master Slender had her

Or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her

I will do what I can for them all three

for so I have promised, and Ill be as good as my word

But speciously for Master Fenton

But now, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses

What a beast am I to slack it!

I dont believe it!

And did he send you both these letters at an instant?

Within a quarter of an hour

Pardon me, wife

Henceforth do what thou wilt

I rather will suspect the sun with cold than thee with wantonness

Now doth thy honour stand, in him that was late an heretic

as firm as faith

Tis well, tis well

All right, all right!

No more

But let our plot go forward

Let our wives yet once again, to make us public sport

meet with this old fat fellow, where we may take him and disgrace him for it

How shall he come to us?

Theyve sent him word theyll meet him in the square at midnight

You say hes been thrown in the canal and has been grievously beaten as a witch

Methinks there should be terrors in him that he should not come

Methinks his flesh is punished

he shall have no desires

Devise but how youll use him when he comes, we have devised the way to bring him there

There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter, sometime a keeper here about the town

doth some midsummer eves, at still midnight

walk round the square, with great ragged horns

And there he cries and shakes a chain in a most hideous and dreadful manner

Yeah, and there want not many that do fear in deep of night to walk by that place

Boo!

But what of this? Marry, this is our device

That Falstaff at that place shall meet with us

disguised like Herne with huge horns on his head

Well, let it not be doubted but that hell come, and in this shape

But when you have brought him thither, what shall be done with him? What is your plot?

That likewise have we thought upon, and thus

Anne Page, my daughter, you my husband

nay, all of you

Sir Hugh, the good Doctor, Mister Shallow

when hes out of A&E

All the fat Knights discarded men, our Hostess and the girl

youll dress like ghosts and spirits and upon a sudden as Falstaff

she and I, are newly met, look you rush out with some diffused cry

Upon your sight, we two in great amazedness will fly

Then do you encircle him about

and ask him why that hour he dares to walk the town in such a shape

And till he tell the truth, then let you all torment him with your flares

The truth being known, well then present ourselves

and mock him till the dawn

Brilliant

We must be practised and prepared well to this

I shall assemble all the group That will be excellent. Ill go and buy us vizards

And Ill to him again in name of Brook

Hell tell us all his purpose. Im sure hell come

Fear not you that

Go get us properties and tricking for our company

Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures and very honest knaveries

I have a thought that in this time

shall Master Slender steal my Anne away and marry her tonight

Now must I to the Doctor

He hath my good will, for none but he shall marry with Anne Page

That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot

And, he, my husband, best of all affects

The Doctor is well moneyed, and his friends potent at court

He, none but he, shall have her

Hit it!

Oh, if it should come to the ear of the court, how I have been transformed

And how my transformation hath been cudgelled

they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop

and liquor fishermens boots with me

I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits

as a dried pear

Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers

I would repent

Can I help you, Madam?

No, thank you so much

Im just about to retire to my boudoir

Oh, you are awful

But I like you

Oh, you look lovely

Where is Falstaff? Nay I know not

But theres a woman, a fat woman, just gone into his chamber

A fat woman?

The knight might be robbed

Ill call

Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Art thou there?

Speak from thy lungs military

Tis thine Hostess calls How now, mine Hostess!

Let thy fat woman come out, bully, my chambers are honourable

There was, mine Hostess

an old wise woman even now with me, but shes gone

A wise woman? Ay, mine Hostess

One that hath taught me more than ever I learned before in my life

Bardolph! Robin!

Now, whence come you?

From the two parties, forsooth

The devil take one party and his dam the other!

I have suffered more for their sakes

more than the villanous inconstancy of mans disposition is able to bear

And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant you, speciously one of them

Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue

What tellest thou me of black and blue?

I was, myself, beaten into all the colours of the rainbow

And but that my admirable dexterity of wit

my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me

I was like to be set in the stocks, in the common stocks, by a constable

for the old witch of Brentwood

Sir, let me speak, and you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content

Here is a letter will say somewhat

Good hearts, what ado is here to bring you together!

Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed

Yes

Tis all set, and I will do what I can to get you a pair of horns

This is the third time, I hope good luck lies in odd numbers

Away. Time wears. Hold up your head and mince

Bless you, sir

How now, Mister Brook! Mister Brook,

Be you in the square about midnight, and you shall see wonders

Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?

I went to her, Mister Brook, as you see, like a poor old man

But I came from her, Mister Brook, like a poor old woman

That same knave Ford, her husband

hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Mister Brook, that ever governed frenzy

Ill tell you all, Mister Brook. Ill tell you strange things of this knave Ford

on whom tonight I will be revenged

and I will deliver his wife into your hands

Strange things afoot, Mister Brook! Strange things afoot

How now, good Mistress Hostess

Talk not to me, Master Fenton, my mind is heavy

Yet hear me speak, assist me in my purpose

And, as I am a gentleman, Ill give thee one hundred pounds in gold

I will hear thee, Master Fenton

Oh, I like your glasses Yes

From time to time I have acquainted you with the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page

who mutually hath answered my affection, even to my wish

I have a letter from her of such contents as you will wonder at, the mirth whereof

so mingled with my matter, that neither singly can be manifested, without the show of both

Fat Falstaff hath a great scene. The image of the jest Ill show you here at large

Hark, good Hostess

This midnight in the square, just twixt twelve and one

must my sweet Anne present a ghostly scene

The purpose why, is here. In which disguise, while other jests are something rank on foot

her father hath commanded her to slip away with Slender

and with him away, immediately to marry

She hath consented

Now, mistress, her mother, ever strong against that match and firm for Doctor Caius

hath appointed that he shall likewise shuffle her away

while other sports are tasking of their minds

And at the deanery, where a priest attends, straight marry her

To this her mothers plot she seemingly obedient likewise hath made promise to the Doctor

Now, thus it rests. Her father means she shall be all in white

And in that shade, when Slender sees his time to take her by the hand and bid her go

she shall go with him

Her mother hath intended, the better to denote her to the Doctor

for they must all be masked and vizarded

that quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed

and when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe

to pinch her by the hand, and, on that token, the maid hath given consent to go with him

Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

Both, my good Hostess, to go along with me

Now, thus it rests

Oh no! Put em back on

that youll procure the vicar

to stay for me at church twixt twelve and one

And, in the lawful name of marrying, to give our hearts united ceremony

Well, husband your device, Ill to the vicar

Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest

So shall I evermore be bound to thee. Besides, Ill make thee a present recompense

Cousin, cousin!

Its me

Right well couch far off till we see the others all are come

Remember, son Slender, my daughter Ay, forsooth

I have spoke with her and we have

I come to her in white and cry "mum"

and she cries "budget". And by that we know one another

"Mum"? "Budget"?

What need you that? The white will decipher her well enough

It hath struck ten Heaven prosper our sport

No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns

Come, gentlemen, lets away

Good Doctor, my daughter is in green Green

When you see your time, take her by the hand

away with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly

I know what I have to do

Go before us into the square, we two must go together

Adieu Fare you well, sir

My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff

as he will chafe at the Doctors marrying my daughter

But tis no matter. Better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak

Where is Anne now and her troop of ghosts, and the Welsh phantom Hugh?

They are gone to couch themselves around the square, with obscured lights

Which, at the very instant of Falstaffs and our meeting

they will at once display to the night

That cannot choose but amaze him

If he be not amazed, he will be mocked. If he be amazed, he will every way be mocked

Well betray him finely

Against such lewdsters and their lechery, those that betray them do no treachery

The hour draws on. To the square! Tally ho

The church bell hath struck twelve, the minute draws on

Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa

Love set on thy horns

O powerful love, that, in some respects makes a beast a man

In some other

a man a beast

For me, I am here a rutting stag

And I think the fattest in the forest

or who can blame me to piss my tallow?

But who comes here? My doe?

Sir John! Art thou there?

My deer? My male deer?

My doe with the black scut!

Let the sky rain potatoes

let it thunder to the tune of Greensleeves

let there come a tempest of provocation

I will shelter me here

Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart

Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch

and my horns I bequeath your husbands

Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience, he makes restitution

Am I a woodman, ha?

Speak I like Herne the hunter?

As I am a true spirit, welcome!

Alas, what noise? Heaven forgive our sins

What should this be? Away, away!

I think the devil will not have me damned

lest the oil thats in me should set hell on fire

He would never else cross me thus

Spirits, black, grey, green, and white

you moonshine revellers and shades of night

You orphan heirs of fixed destiny

attend your office and your quality

These are ghosts! And he that speaks to them must die

Ill wink and crouch. No man their works must eye

Vile worm, thou wast oerlooked even in thy birth

If he be chaste, the flame will back descend, and turn him to no pain

But if he start, it is the flesh of a corrupted heart

A trial, come Come, will this wood take fire?

Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted with desire

Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted with desire

Run!

Pray you, hold up the jest no higher

Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?

Now, sir, whos a cuckold now?

Mister Brook, Falstaffs a knave, a cuckoldly knave

Here are his horns, Mister Brook

And, Mister Brook

he hath enjoyed nothing of Fords, except

his wheelie bin, his cudgel, and this hour upon that stone

Sweet Sir John, we have had ill luck, we could never meet

I will never take you for my love again

but I will always count you my deer

I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass

And these are not spirits

I was three or four times in the thought they were not

And yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my powers

drove the grossness of this foppery

into a received belief, in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason

when tis upon ill employment

Sir John Falstaff, serve God, leave your desires

and spirits will not haunt you

Well said, Sir Hugh And leave your jealousies too, I pray you

I will never mistrust my wife again till thou art able to woo her in good English

English? Dim gwerth rhech dafad!

Hes Welsh

Sir John Falstaff, you are given to fornications

and taverns and sack and wine and metheglins

and drinkings and swearings and starings and pribbles

and prabbles

Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too?

To stand at the taunt of one that make fritters of English?

Well, I am your theme. You have the start of me

I am dejected

I am not able to answer this Welsh flannel

Use me as you will

Marry, sir, let that you have suffered be biting affliction enough

Yet be cheerful, knight

Thou shalt drink a posset tonight at my house

where I will desire thee to laugh at my wife, who now laughs at thee

Tell her

Master Slender hath married her daughter

Doctors doubt that

Whoa ho, father Page

Son, how now! How now, son! Have you dispatched?

Dispatched! Theres a word for it! For what, son?

I came yonder to the church to marry Mistress Anne Page, and shes

Simple, my serving man

If it hadnt been in the church, I would have swinged you

Upon my life, then, you took the wrong What need you tell me that?

I think so, when I took a boy for a girl. For this apparel I might have married him

This is your own folly!

Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter by her garments?

I came to her in white, cried "mum"

and she cried "budget", as Anne and I had appointed

And yet it was not Anne, but him

Good George, be not angry

I knew of your purpose and turned my daughter into green

And, indeed, she is now with the Doctor at the deanery, and there married

Where is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened

I have married un garçon, it is not Anne Page

By gar, I am cozened

Why, took you her in green?

Oui, by gar! Its not an er, its an im

Its a Nym

My name is Nym

And we are married

This is strange. Who hath the right Anne?

My heart misgives me. Here comes Master Fenton

How do you, Master Fenton!

Pardon, good father! Good my mother, pardon!

Now, good mistress, how chance you went not with Master Slender?

Why went you not with the Doctor, maid? You do afright her. Hear the truth of it

You would have married her most shamefully

where there was no proportion held in love

The truth is, she and I, long since contracted

are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us

The offence is holy that she hath committed

And this deceit loses the name of craft, of disobedience, or unduteous title

since therein she doth evitate and shun a thousand irreligious cursed hours

that forced marriage would have brought upon her

Stand not afraid, here is no remedy

In love the heavens themselves do guide the state

Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate

I am glad, though you have taen a special stand to strike at me

that your arrows have glanced

all sorts of deer are chased

Out!

What cannot be eschewed must be embraced

Fenton!

Heaven give thee joy

And I will muse no further neither

Good Master Fenton. Heaven grant you many, many merry days

Good husband, let us every one go home

and laugh this sport oer a country fire

Sir John and all Let it be so, Sir John

To Mister Brook you yet shall hold your word

for he tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford