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This film is a work of fiction.

Any resemblance to reality
is purely coincidental.

Except regarding you,
Marie-Claire Koevermans.

Remember that name,
Marie-Claire Koevermans.

Whore.

Mr Bosboom, two minutes to showtime.

Everything's arranged as regards
your rider.

Let's see. One ridiculously
expensive bottle of red wine.

One ridiculously expensive cigar.

And of course the assistant
with a string,

to let everyone know
who's the boss here.

And does the big,
small star also need something?

I'm practically puking from excitement.

I've made him a small gift.

Could you give it him?

My child doesn't cuddle, my child sings.

Time to earn some money.

20 YEARS LATER

Before I have to leave for my job,

first I have to finish
all the jobs at home,

and having done a whole day's work,

I can start all over again back at home...

Good morning lovely camping,
we're going to have a splendid....

Shut your mouth, I'm trying to sleep.

Oh, sorry, I thought that the music...
-Shut your face!

I'm trying to listen to the music.

Repair the fence.

Forest overseer.

Working before I go to work,
working when I'm back from work,

slaving away, the daily slog,
getting worse day by day,

working before I go to work...

Game ranger.

You'll never see the stress I'm under

Jonas.

Why don't you let me give him
some mouth to mouth?

Supervisor ranger.

Superintendent ranger.

Chief ranger.

Chief ranger.

Master ranger.

Good morning, 'afternoon, 'evening
and good night in the meantime.

Sorry you had to wait, welcome to
Camping HIVO, where harmony rules.

How can I help you?

When we wanted to check in,

that was when you could have been
of help to us.

But that was fifty-eight hours ago.

I only wanted to check in.
-Quiet, daddy, eat some crap.

I hate you so much,

that I took my middle finger

and had my very own children gnaw it off.

To be able to personally
hand it over to you.

How annoying.

I've been working non-stop
for three days and I'm the only...

Come children, let's find a quiet spot
where daddy can die in peace.

How about some complimentary
shower tokens?

Father figure.
-My dear boy.

Look, here's your breakfast.

And look what I've found for you.

For whenever you've got a moment
to sunbathe.

That's great.

I'm so happy with what you do for me
and the camping,

even though we never make a penny
out of it.

Look how well the camping
is maintained,

and plot 588 is looking pretty good too.

There'll come a day
when all this will be yours.

I'm not getting any younger.

I'm sorry
that I'm so little help to you.

A gust of wind and I turn to dust.

Being so kind to me
is more than help enough.

It doesn't matter how busy I am
as long as I can drink my milk with you.

Sometimes those bloody campers
really make me mad.

I do my very best but it never seems
to make any difference.

Listen son. Your dedication and your
kindness are your greatest strength.

Stay your mild and pleasant self
and you'll see,

that there's something good
in each and every one of us.

Even in a German.

Preferably a tumour.

But now and again you have to stand up
for yourself,

and then say: Enough is enough.
-Right.

Stand up for yourself.
-Shut up, you old fool.

That's right, my boy. I love you.

Get some sleep,
the day's about to begin.

Chief ranger

It's too hot outside.

It's a nice day, isn't it?

It's too nice.

Yeah, sorry,
there's nothing I can do about that.

It would be great
if you had a swimming pool.

It's not for me, I don't like to swim.

Enough is enough.
-But...

Sorry, but in the last
three nights I've slept...

Exactly 7 seconds.
Let's talk about it another time.

It saysAlways welcome on your doormat,
so I'm always welcome, right?

Yes. But at this moment you're not.

No, actually you're either always
welcome or never welcome.

Enough.
-You can't be not welcome for a moment.

Listen, enough is enough
and it's time I stood up for myself,

and I'd like you to leave right now.

But it's still too hot outside.

That better?

Now it's fine in here,
but I'd prefer to be outside.

Then go outside.
-No, I just said that...

Are you happy now?

I just want to say...

Father figure?
Father figure.

Yep, now he's dead.

I did try to warn you.

Ah yes, I was missing these.
I'll take them along with me.

Ideal for out there in the hot sun.

Oh father figure, come back please.

My dear boy.
-Father figure?

A gust of wind and I turn to dust.

I told you that just a minute ago.

Surely you're not such a bloody idiot
as that.

There's those with money,
you can count me in.

And if that counts for you,
then I'll have your money too.

I'm the exorbitant, the all dolled up,

I don't save money, bitch,
I save on expenses.

And I'm sure you know
that I don't live like a miser,

you know I like to live well
and money flows through my fingers.

I love diamonds
and wear made-to measure clothes.

Whoever made these holes
through which my money flows,

fill the holes, stop the flow,
where it goes, you'll never know...

You saw the last recording from Ronnie
Bosboom Senior who died this week.

Noticeable by his absence at the funeral
was Ronnie Bosboom Jr.,

to be seen here as a child star
before he disappeared from public life.

Where Ronnie is at this time
is a mystery.

But he's sadly missed by his fans.

And now the other news.

More and more often the TV news
is interrupted half way through by...

Good morning, welcome to Camping HIVO
where harmony is king.

I have a reservation
for Mr and Mrs Tent.

Present.

Norma le Dame?
-Present.

Hans de Curve?
-Yes.

And I have a plot for the Campers.
-Okay, but we have two campers.

There are four Campers.
-Four campers?

Yes. One, two and our children
are sitting in the sweltering car.

No. For your campers I have...
-We are the Campers.

No, for the family Tent
I've got two plots for the campers.

Okay, wait a moment.
We have a family tent,

which has to be put
in front of the Campers.

No, in front of their campers.

Okay, but the family tent
doesn't need two plots.

The family Tent
certainly needs two plots.

Then I'll take two plots
for the family tent.

Fine, but then we'll need another plot.

So, one for the family tent, and two
for the family Tent and the campers.

No, just one for the Campers.

No, one extra spot for the family tent
to stand in front of the campers.

Why do you have to stand in front of us,
we're not harming anyone?

We always sit outside
in front of the caravan.

For Christ's sake why?
-Because we're on holiday.

No, listen. You came with a van
and they have their caravan with them.

Excuse me. I also have a reservation
under the name of Paul Summerhouse.

Oh, okay. And what did you reserve?

The summer house.

Thank you.

What were you doing
in the play pool, Jonas?

I was on a super-secret mission
with my robot plane

when we had to dive to Atlantis.
-Wow, really?

No moron, I just fell in.

You could have stood up,
you're 7 years old.

7 centimetres deep in your mother, matey.

Well, it's just nice sitting here
chatting with my best friend.

Weren't your parents somewhere around?

Your father goes fishing all day
and your mother...

She's being fisted all day long.
-Yeah.

So, I suppose that your mother
didn't see me saving you?

Pity.

I mean, for you.

I grew up largely without parents,

but if you work hard and stay positive,
everything'll turn out fine.

Man, you really are a success.
-Ah... thank you.

That was sarcastic, little willy.

This fucked up camping's
just one big dump.

Yeah, sorry.
I was just feeling a bit sad.

I could have done with some help
from you, my best friend.

So, you think that I can help you.
I'm on holiday, man.

Yes, and no, but if one of the two
best friends never has a day off,

because he always has to work
on his own, then it can happen...

Maybe I've got a tip for you.

Oh, what sort of tip?

The camping's called HIVO, right?
-Yeah.

If you change the H and I to 'fucking'
and then the V and the O for 'moron',

it would be Camping Fucking Moron.

Well, what the fuck?
Where are those spindly legs off to?

I'm so horribly alone

yet nobody seems to realise

that I've been left behind.

Where is everybody?

I'm so all alone, I have no friends...

Can't someone turn that off?

Where is our singing friend?

Where is Ronnie?

Where is Ronnie Bosboom Jr.?

Doesn't work on a beating heart...

Oh, how stupid of me.

They have been developed
in such a way that...

That...
-See you in a minute.

Welcome back.
Want another ride?

Find him.

Shit. How does it go?

And that's how I got this sword
in my body.

God almighty, man.
-Incredible.

And I can't pull it out,
otherwise I'd lose an awful lot of blood.

And then I'd be dead
within a half an hour.

The downside is I can't take a plane,
so I go camping.

But for the rest I can do anything.

Right, so you have a job?

No, that didn't work.
-What about a relationship?

Well, it was a bit of a turn off for her.
-Sports?

No.
-Sleeping?

Hardly.
-And good food?

I see you have a daughter,
tell me about her.

Yes, that's our Kylie, lovely girl.
She's had a rather difficult year.

Difficult?

Meanwhile she's eating again.
She's put on 30 kilos.

You're a beautiful girl, darling,
spitting image of your mother.

HELP NEEDED. I'M DESPERATE.
I'M SO ALONE. FREE LODGINGS.

I'm your man.

I swear I know you from somewhere.
-Wouldn't know from where.

So it's written with an 'fw'
at the end. Your name is Bertolfw?

Yes, I'm probably the only one, so...

But you have been here before,
and you must be the Bertolfw

who was my best friend
some thirteen years ago.

No, that must be someone else.
-Another Bertolfw?

I repaired your knot and we became
best of friends.

No, no.
-Then which Bertolfw...?

No really, you don't know me.

In fact it's Bertolfw
with actually three 'h's.

Berthhholfw? You can walk again?

No, not him.
I've never been here before.

Strange. Anyway, who cares, it's just
great that you've come to help me.

I've been through this incredibly
hard and lonely period.

You realise I can't pay you.
-Snap.

As long as I've got a roof
over my head.

I'll take that nice spot over there.
-No can do, it's reserved.

I've got a caravan for you, Berthhholfw.
Come on, I'll show you around.

There's your caravan.

There's room at the showers.

Forget it, it's already busy again.

What an incredibly fucked up camping.

And this is the playground.

I work here harder than you're probably
used to, always 26-hour days,

but your first job of the day
is to straighten this bent tent pin,

and more responsibilities will follow.

Do you hear that? Duty calls.
Come along Berthhholfw.

If a bell rings, you know it's time
for action.

It's a fun way to get my attention.

People get a little annoyed but I stay
smiling because everyone's on holiday.

Hello, welcome to Camping HIVO,
how can I help you?

Chief ranger?

Did you think
that I wouldn't find you, Ronnie?

Where is the record, mate?

The record?

Where is the record?

The record your dead father promised me.

Is my father dead? Gosh.

You will bring me to the record.

And if you take me somewhere
where the record isn't,

then I'll tie you up,

then I'll go into the camping,

and then I'll fuck a child.

What?
-And if you try to escape again,

I'll search for you, I'll find you,
and then I'll fuck a child.

And if you try to be clever
and try to warn the police,

then I'll fuck another child.
Is that clear?

Time to roll up your sleeves, friend.

What have you done?
-Well, he hit me.

Who is he?

Who are you?
What's all this about a record?

Ronnie Bosboom Jr., you're here...

in good old camping HIVO,
how is that possible?

Be quiet, someone's bound to hear you.

Yeah, but you're Ronnie Bosboom,
all those great songs...

like 'The show must go on'...
This is too much. Ronnie Bosboom Jr..

Here in my camping. And a body.
We have to call the police.

But then he'll fuck a child... no, he's
dead... we have to call the police.

No, you don't have to at all.
-Why not?

Because he died here
and we're the only suspects.

As soon as they find a body
they'll close your...

...magnificent camping
and we'll both go to prison.

Me too?
-Yes, you gave me the murder weapon.

That is possibly even worse.

Anyway, my father always said:

There are no beatings
as long as you don't tell anyone.

You've done this before?

I've had 7 psychoses,
8 serious depressions,

4 attempted suicides
and all before I was twelve.

But no, I've never killed someone.

Got you.

The Goldstein's are at the neighbour's,
hiding in the crawl space, Oberführer.

Alzheimer.

Do I get my food coupons now?

I told you, the place is crawling
with krauts.

No, no, get out, now.
Go back down.

They're not welcome at the beach
so they're headed inland.

If they carry on like that,
they'll find themselves back in Germany.

So, what are you waiting for?

It just seems so incredible...
Ronnie Bosboom on my camping.

When I tell them about this tomorrow...
-No, you can't tell anyone I'm here.

But of course I have to.

When I tell them you're here they'll be
so happy and even maybe nice to me...

Listen.
I do so want to live a normal life.

You have to promise me
that you'll tell no one, okay?

Okay. I promise to tell it to someone.

You said 'someone', didn't you?
-Yeah, sorry.

Okay. I promise
that I will tell it to no one.

Sand over him,
a tent on top...

Hi girls.

Jonas.

No, don't look in, don't look in.
Look over there...

Ronnie Bosboom Jr.

But you mustn't tell anyone
that you've seen him, okay?

Go to bed Jonas,
and say hello to your mother from me.

Thanks very much.
He'll go and tell on me.

No, he's my best friend.
We never tell on one another.

Have fun on your first day at work.

Dear campers, leave the money
in the saucer. I trust you.

It's really him.

Sing. Sing. Sing.

That's right, spray my white child's
body clean, coolie.

Busy at the showers again?

Thanks for not giving away our secret.
That means we're really best friends.

Maybe we can be bosom friends. The
difference is best friends and bosom...

Of course I passed it on,
I'm only seven, you stupid nutter.

Hi, Ronnie Bosboom Jr..

I told you not to tell anyone.
I just want to lead a normal life.

Me too. Give'em a song, they'll calm
down, life will return to normal.

You have no idea what this will stir up.

Ronnie, just think of any old song.
-I don't want to sing.

I don't want to sing, not any more.
A golden oldie, but...

Stop.

Stop, don't make go back on stage .
I like that one.

I'd rather die than have to sing.

I don't know that one. Is it a new one?
Great, can't wait to tell them.

No, no, no. I don't want this.

Okay, you're not going to sing.

Hello, folks.

Is Ronnie going to sing for us?

Unfortunately Ronnie isn't going to sing.

He's working here at the camping,
there's a lot to do, and as his boss...

Stop it... you didn't let me finish.

Sadly, Ronnie's not going to sing now...

...Until you've done all the odd jobs
here at the camping.

Then you'll see him again this evening,
at Bingo.

I never enjoyed a single song I sang,
I was forced to sing by a terrible man,

I'm just a child, I'm only just eleven,
perhaps my reward will be in heaven.

It all seems like child's play to you,
it's just a child singing, that's true,

you never listen you don't see it's wrong,
this is a shout for help not a silly song.

This is my cry of pain on an LP,
so it's not a singalong you see,

Help, help, help, someone help me now,
I can't stand this life any longer,

help, help, help I can't carry on,
I die a little every time I sing a song.

FILLED TO OVERFLOWING! THIS
CAMPING'S REALLY GETTING POPULAR!

And while the burning sun shone through
the blindfold on my battered face,

my arms bound behind my back,

and a dirty rag stuffed
in my mouth, dry as tinder,

my desperate cries for help were stifled

in the cheering of the bearded
enemy soldiers surrounding me.

Suddenly, I felt my uniform trousers
wrenched down,

and while he forced himself into me

and thrust ever harder and deeper
into me.

I became ever lonelier at every thrust.

However much he disgusted me
with what he was doing to me,

I couldn't help but feel my muscles
contracting and...

in an explosion of emotion,

I reached the dizzy heights...

of an orgasm.

But, why are you telling us this?

Well, because you just said the first time
you came was while you were at work,

and that was the only time I came
while I was at work.

With what I was doing...

No, I said that I finally came to the end
of what I was doing.

Damn.

Hey Ronnie, you haven't actually done
a stroke of work all day,

so you have to do
something for me, right?

We've got Bingo and it might be nice

if you used your vocal chords
in a musical manner?

Saying your words or sounds
in different keys, what do you think?

Using one of your melodies?
-You want me to sing.

That would be fine too.
I did promise everyone...

You promised them
a Ronnie Bosboom Jr. show?

You don't realise
what my presence does to people, do you?

Mr Innkeeper?
-Yes?

Have you perhaps room in your inn?

This is a camping sir, and alas,
we are completely full.

Oh, mister innkeeper,
it's already very late,

we are worn out from our journey.

My wife is namely heavy with child.

Oh, that's gross.

Don't you have anywhere,
however small, for us?

Sand over him, tent on top...

Oh God, there's no way out.

A12.

K3.
-Heil Hitler.

No one has K3. Tension mounts.
Well, let's carry on.

I've got C1000.
-I need F16.

F16.

F16?

Bingo.
-Someone has Bingo.

And terminally ill Jip also has Bingo,
but Mrs Campers was first,

and can choose a prize from the table.

We have the choice
between two splendid prizes.

Namely,
a pot of extra strong tobacco,

or the only cure
for pusgargling choking typhus.

Well, I'll take this one.

So, terminally ill Jip, that leaves you
with the pot of extra strong tobacco.

Where's Ronnie, you waste of space?

Okay, we've come to the 14th bonus card.

We're still playing for this wonderful
wireless whistling kettle...

And we've got B100.
-Bingo.

Ronnie?

Where are Ronnie
and the Man with the Raven?

He hasn't got a bingo at all.
Then you'll have to sing a song.

Sing. Sing. Sing.

If you cheat at bingo,
you have to sing.

Rules are rules, damn it.
-Sing. Sing. Sing.

Ronnie?

That's where he is.

Over there.

Why did you have to shout bloody bingo?

You know that you had to sing a song.

Hey, where is Ronnie?

What were you doing in the caravan?

I was looking for Ronnie.

Where is Ronnie?
-I don't know.

Is he with the Man with the Raven?

I've never seen him, so I don't know.

That's strange,
because the Man with the Raven

sent me three photos yesterday
saying he was here.

Where are they?
-I don't know.

Have some shower tokens,
compliments of the camping.

Your camping is surrounded
by a raving gang of Ronnie fans.

And they have assured me no one left
the camp site in the last 24 hours.

So Ronnie, and the Man with the Raven,
are still here on this site.

And you are going to help me
find them, right?

And because I don't like
the way you tried to deceive me,

I will now take my revenge...
on the violinist.

What?

Why are you doing that?

My violin was all that I had.
Well, excepting my dog of course.

I'm going to look for them now.

If I haven't found them in an hour,
I'll feed you to my vulture.

Ronnie, will you please come
and help me?

Ronnie?

I'm not going to sing.

A creepy guy's looking
for the Man with the Raven.

You betrayed me, piss off.

I promise to help you lead a normal life,
but first let's deal with this guy.

Ronnie, you've got to get up.

What's this?

It's a teddy bear to cuddle and play with.
Let's go.

To cuddle? Play with?

That's right. Never done that?

Have a look through this.

Wow, I never knew that
something so beautiful ever existed.

There's so much beauty in the world,
especially when you can share it.

I don't want you to give up. I want
to be your friend and show you the world.

But that'll only work if you help me,
because the Man with the Vulture's coming.

The body under the tent has to go.

Just try to relax, Ria.

Sorry.

Yes, sorry for that, didn't hear you.

We're just oiling Ria's anal cleft.

It could tear during the delivery.

You have to leave this spot.
You can sleep in the stable.

Okay, but wait until my erection's gone.
I'm a man after all.

Well, what I always do is
I think of an old, naked grandmother.

Oh yes, I'm in heaven... that works.

Where is Ronnie?

Where is the Man with the Raven?

Coast clear?
-Yes.

I've nearly finished,
then we'll drag him to the wood,

cut down a tree, let it fall on him,
it'll look like an accident.

Are you keeping watch?
-What?

Oh shit, the Man with the Vulture.

Hi, Ronnie.

No one touches my best friend.

I thought you didn't know
where Ronnie was?

Ronnie, help me.

Why didn't you do anything?

I thought we were best friends?

We all know that you're going for a shit.

Well sing, you stupid wanker.
You are ours.

You have no idea what it would mean
for us if you were to sing.

I don't believe in you anymore.

Good morning. Sleep well?

No, me neither.
Last night I kept having

this strange itching feeling
under my skin.

That's a guilty conscience, Ronnie.

You look a bit off colour,
why not take a day off?

I can't, because I'm the only one
that does anything around here, Ronnie.

You've got no idea what hard work is.

I've had to take care of myself,
you and this great camping.

Great camping?

Yes, and now the plants need watering,
twerp.

You're not going to make amends
by doing one small job.

Ronnie?

Why are you watering the plant?

Yes, why am I watering the plant?

Will you fix the lamp?

No.

Time to roll up your sleeves.

Ronnie, you've got to get up.

Earn some money.

Of course, I only do what I have to do
when someone slaps me.

Ladies and gentlemen, viewers at home.

Thank you for joining me for an evening
of celebration in the life of a young star

who has given us so much and doubtless
will continue to amaze us with his talent.

Please give a warm welcome to
Ronnie Bosboom Jr.

My next guest
who will be awarding Ronnie his prize,

is also very special.

Born in Israel, already at a young age
he had a multitude of fans.

He died for our sins, yet a few days later
he rose from the dead,

Please give a warm welcome
to Jesus of Nazareth.

Oh wow, is it really Jesus?
Wow, yeah, yeah, it really is.

Hey Jesus,
how come you didn't return earlier?

I haven't been away that long.

Two thousand years.

I simply spent two thousand years
having a great piss up.

Actually Ronnie, we love to sing along
to your music up there in heaven.

This morning Father woke me to come here
and award you a Diamond Record

for your fantastic album,
"I only sing for the money".

Here you are.

Smile, you bugger.

People, I'm off now. The Bible is still
on sale everywhere. Keep the party clean.

Jesus, if you died for our sins,
how come you're back among us, eh?

You didn't really die, did you, eh?
-Patsa.

I can't feel my legs anymore.
-Shut up.

Daddy,
surely I've achieved everything by now?

Can I stop performing now?

That day I lost the last scrap of
motivation that I still had in my body.

I always had to be pushed onto the stage,

but from that day on my father
had to slap me to get me on stage.

To get me into the studio too,
as well as to get me out of bed.

It got worse by the day for five years.

Until the day my voice broke,

and I came home that evening
to an empty house.

I never saw my father again,

and so never got slapped again,

and so I never, ever did anything again.

So that's why you stabbed
the Man with the Raven,

and didn't help me yesterday?
-Apparently.

So I am your best friend.
What about the record?

One evening I swallowed
2,000 milligrams Superzepam

and flogged the record for a bag of sweets
and a fizzy drink,

and withdrew from the world
for fifteen years in a clinic.

That's quite a story...

I've got one too.

You're probably already wondering
what I find so special about plot 588.

I remember it as if it was yesterday.

It was summer, I was five, and I was with
my parents here at the camping.

My father said: Go and get yourself
a delicious Calippo ice lolly, son.

Sorry, it's not the right moment,
it's too soon after my story.

Okay, another time then.

And that empty plot is no longer
an empty plot.

Man with the Vulture, I've been holding
this plot for more than 20 years, and...

Sorry that I left without saying
goodbye yesterday. Sorry.

But while I was strangling you
yesterday evening,

I got a message
from the Man with the Raven.

Me and the Man with the Raven

were to go to France
and run a Bed and Breakfast together.

Just the two of us, happy,
leaving everything behind us.

He sent me this message:

Hey bitch, I'm at the camping,

I'm going to threaten Ronnie,
wish me luck.

I didn't hear anything for a few days,
and then I received this:

I'm leaving, I've got the record.

I sent that.
-Seven years, all thrown away.

And why? For a Diamond Record.

We also saw your vulture fly away, so...
-My Jack?

Yes, so I guess you can go home.

I'm alone.

Don't worry, you are a good-looking guy,
husky, sensitive, so...

Think so?

Yeah, there's bound to be another man
around for you somewhere.

Yeah, right... I abused that soldier
yesterday evening,

but he came a bit too quickly
but maybe he'll do fine as a rebound.

No, you shouldn't do that,
it's all still a bit too fresh.

Take all the time you need.
-And distance yourself.

Yeah, you're quite right.

I'm loathsome. I'm going home.

Have a nice holiday.

I can give you
some complimentary shower tokens.

SHOWERS

Hold on tightly... best friend.

Stop, stop.

I've got this queasy feeling
in my stomach.

Stop, stop, stop. I gotta get off.

That was great. Can we go on
the cable-lift now?

No, it's broken.
Some fatso must have fallen through it.

Now that's what I call a beautiful woman.

Are we really ready for this, Jos?

Of course Ria, we've been waiting for this
for sixty years.

But suddenly it's gone so incredibly fast,
though it's actually very exciting.

You've got to cling on to all
the wonderful things

that with a bit of luck
we might be part of.

Maybe I'll still be alive
when his baby teeth come through.

Of course, and just imagine that
we recognise him when he recognises us.

As long as we're there for him
until he can stand on his own two feet,

yes, I mean literally...

Then I can meet my death
with a clear conscience.

Hey everybody,
the contractions have started.

Hey, everybody,
she's got half a metre dilation.

It's a boy.

Isn't it fantastic that we could all
experience this moment.

Jack?

The devil. Save the children.
The white children.

Chief ranger?

Master ranger.

Ronnie Bosboom.

Long story, but the Man with the Vulture
is really angry,

so we all have to be very quiet.

But I have a great plan. He probably
doesn't even know where we are, so...

They're in there, that's where they are.

Ronnie Bosboom, Mr camping guy,
show yourselves.

Campers, if you give up
those two cancer-ridden fairies

I promise you that I won't touch you.

Dear people, as far as I'm concerned
it's clear to us all.

This is an incredibly fucked up camping.

But however fucked up as it is,
it is our fucked up camping.

This week I made friends for life,
I laughed my head off with you all,

I cried with you,
and I met a very special woman.

Norma, what a week we've had...

Thank you so much for allowing me
into your wonderful soul.

One day you'll find your white prince
on his horse,

and it breaks my heart
that it can't be me...

I have another destiny.

He's got just one ball left
then he'll have to open a new set.

I'll give you plenty of time
to get yourselves to safety.

I am willing to give my life
for friendship, for love...

For Camping HIV. For Camping HIV.

I only spoke to the guy twice
for about a minute. A real lonely man.

Guys, I'm here. I'm here.

I'm wearing my invisible suit. Follow
right behind me and make war sounds.

Bang, bang. Bang, bang...

Jos and Ria...

Aren't you coming?
-No.

We're too old. We're staying here.

Take him, my boy
and take good care of him.

Jonas's mother.

Jonas is still inside.
-Jonas?

Is that everyone?
-Help, I can't open the door.

That's the man who was always filming
the sleeping child.

Yeah, the guy with the black bar
covering his eyes.

Someone should go and save him.
-Your alveoli will be burned in seconds.

Quite right, and what about
the carbon monoxide accumulation?

But it was fun, right?
-Yes.

Oh sorry, I'm Hank.
-Bald Ben.

Nice to meet you.

You are a hero.

Ronnie.

Ronnie, let's go.

Ronnie, you can do without them,
believe me.

Okay. I'm sorry I brought all
this trouble onto your camping.

I'm sorry I didn't see you as a person
and only as a name.

What's your name, in fact?
-Ronnie.

The tent is standing. Yes.

Oh no... this is it, I guess.

I don't believe it. Goodbye world.

Why don't you take your dirty paws
off my face?

Chief ranger?

It's over. I've failed.

This camping's finished, and I haven't got
any money to build a new one.

The only reason I'd preserved
this lovely plot all these years

was because I'd always hoped...

I finished my ice lolly
a long time ago, daddy.

I'm going to perform.
-What?

Thanks to you I can face the world.

I'm going to give a one-off Ultimate
Ronnie Bosboom Jr. comeback show.

With the profits you can rebuild
the camping,

and I can spend my old age in peace
somewhere else.

Your old age? You've just turned 28.
-28 in artist years.

Are you sure?
-Of course, we're friends after all.

Let the world know that Ronnie Bosboom Jr.
is going to perform.

Let the world know that Ronnie Bosboom Jr.
is not going to perform.

Are you sure?
-No surprise.

If I had my pills I'd perform,
but you made me leave them there.

Okay, I'll tell them the concert's not on
and refund one and a half million tickets.

I'd rather set fire to myself than sing.

A great title for your new album.

Dad? But you were...

Oh, this is the moment I have to
finish your sentence for you.

'Dead' is the word you're looking for,
right?

What?
-I needed money.

I had a couple of bird-crazy fairies,
I sold an imitation Diamond record,

but those two were so weird that things
got a bit too hot for your Dad.

Why did you abandon me?

Abandon you?

Have you any idea what it was like,
night after night,

getting an unwilling child to perform,

spending my life arranging everything

for a rebellious, ungrateful, fucking kid?

Asking the assistant
if travel had been arranged,

asking him if there was food,
or if the castration had been successful.

Sorry, what?

At a certain moment your voice broke,
and we had to do something about it.

But I thought I'd had my tonsils out.
-No, it was your balls.

They're made of jelly. Give'em a squeeze.

Joking.
So, I'm here. I'm your father.

But above all I'm your manager,

and singing at this fucked up camping...
-I'm not going to perform.

That sounds like you.

I'm not going to perform.

And you're on longer my manager
and no longer my father.

And this isn't a fucked up camping.

I'm not going to be dragged up
onto a stage anymore... by you.

He has to do it.

And who the hell is he, then?
-This is the chief ranger.

And he is my manager and he...

is my best friend.

And from now on I will only let someone
drag me on stage who loves me,

and who I love too.

Oh no, what I actually meant was...
-And I thought that...

Absolutely not, are you crazy?
Okay, right.

I love you too.

Okay. I'm going to do it, for you.
-You don't have to.

This is all new for you,
so listen carefully.

You have to keep slapping me
until I go up on stage.

I'm going to beg you to stop.

You have to promise me you'll keep on
slapping me. Are you ready?

No.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder, harder, harder...

No, stop, please stop, please stop.
Carry on.

The curtain opens
and the whole world is happy,

excepting one
and he's the only one that counts,

instead of a reward
a punishment was all I ever got,

sobbing softly, on an empty stomach
sent to my room without a bed,

I was kicked in the shins
and my leg hurt like hell,

I know the sting of the whip,
and the treading on my toes,

if perfection isn't enough
and surrender not worth a try,

you go so deep that from high above
you see right down below,

Too young, too old,

too grown up, too quickly,

I've shared too much,
and now my race is run,

Too young, too old.

Too young, too old,

too grown up, too quickly,

we've emptied the barrel,
we've had the last round,

I'm worn out, penniless
and I've had enough...

Ronnie?

Did you see me? I gave everything I had.

You were great.

I'm so happy that with my final deed
that I was able...

to save the camping.

It's not your final deed,
there's so much joy awaiting you.

It's fine to end it all like this.

Can I ask you just one favour?
-Of course, I'll do anything for you.

My life would be complete...

If you would call the baby, Ronnie.

Will you do that for me?

Actually no.

Why not?

Well, I really wanted
to name the baby Aruft.

But I'm lying here dying
in front of the whole camping.

I understand that, but he'll simply
be called Aruft, sorry.

That's a pity.

Okay, I promise to call him Ronnie.

I wanted to call him Aruft because of
that story I still had to tell you.

I was five and here with my parents
and my father said:

Go and get yourself a Calippo ice lolly.

Ronnie?

What are you doing?

What do you think?
I'm leaving with the cash.

That money's for the camping,
it was Ronnie's final wish.

What sort of a father are you?
-What sort of a father am I?

What's that?
-What do you think it is?

Have you... did you...?
-Yes.

I got it for a bag of sweets
and a fizzy drink.

You've taken everything from him,
you bastard.

Stay here.

Enough is enough.

That's right, I took everything away
from my son.

And what have I got for it?
I've been beheaded.

Hey, I've been beheaded
and I can still talk,

and I read that you can carry on
talking for at least 10 seconds...

9 MONTHS LATER

That was a good shot, my dear son.
-My name's Jonas, nutter.

Boys, time to eat.
-We're coming.

Go and eat, old chap.

Shall we go and have lunch, Aruft?

Hey, Kaylie.
-Hey, Chief ranger.

You can't see I'm pregnant, can you?
-No, not at all.

Triplets. Ronnie's.
I'm going to make a boy band out of them.

I think he'd have liked that.
-Well, I think...

Bye.

Right. Let's go and sit down.

How come we can sit on
your favourite spot now?

Your father figure's
going to tell you why.

When I was about your age,
I was also camping here with my parents.

I'd heard my mother and father whispering
and giggling, all wound up,

and then my father said to me:
Go and buy yourself a Calippo ice lolly.

So, I went to get my Calippo
and when I returned I saw...

It's none of my business
and I'll be off right away.

I just want to say
that I'm Marie-Claire Koevermans,

and if I have a relationship with you
then I'll tell you to change,

and when you finally do,
I'll go to bed with your best friend.

Okay, give me call. 06-44019449,

preferably in the middle of the night.
That's it, see you, bye.

And broken. Thanks a lot, fatty.