Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

- Hot dog.

- I'd like one with onions, please.

- Hi.

Nice day, huh?

Thank you.

♪ Take your baby to the movies ♪

♪ Take your baby to the flicks ♪

♪ That's where you can be together ♪

♪ That's where you can get your kicks ♪

♪ Sit her in a back row ♪

♪ Where the lights are low ♪

♪ Pick yourself a double feature ♪

♪ To the movie pics, go ♪

♪ If your baby wants a lolly ♪

♪ Buy her one or even two ♪

♪ And when she has got that lolly ♪

♪ There is one thing you can do ♪

♪ Put your arms around her ♪

♪ Hold her oh so tight ♪

♪ You can give a star performance ♪

♪ On the movie pics night ♪

♪ Billy Fury, Adam Faith ♪

♪ And Frank Sinatra, too ♪

♪ They will make your partners cuddle ♪

♪ Oh so close to you ♪

♪ Shirley McClain is swinging ♪

♪ And Cliff Richard and his boys ♪

♪ So, take your baby to the movies ♪

♪ And take your choice ♪

♪ Take your baby to the movies ♪

♪ Take your baby to the flicks ♪

♪ That's where you can be together ♪

♪ That's where you can get your kicks ♪

♪ Sit her in a back row ♪

♪ Where the lights are low ♪

♪ Pick yourself a double feature ♪

♪ To the movie pics, go ♪

♪ If your baby wants a lolly ♪

♪ Buy her one or even two ♪

♪ And when she has got her lolly ♪

♪ There is one thing you can do ♪

♪ Put your arms around her ♪

♪ Hold her oh so tight ♪

♪ You can give a star performance ♪

♪ On a movie pics night ♪

♪ Take your baby to the movies ♪

♪ Get your action at the movies ♪

♪ Swinging music at the movies ♪

♪ You and your ♪

♪ Baby at the movies ♪

♪ New York, New York, it's a hell of a town ♪

♪ The taxis got off and Yorkers go down ♪

♪ Do do do do dee do do ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

(whimsical music)

Dive,

dive!

Motherfucker. (chuckles)

Hey.

Are you guys the

Creative Concepts Systems and Procedures

Brothers unlimited, Inc?

- [All] Yeah, that's us.

- Good, 'cause I have a telegram for you.

♪ We don't look related ♪

♪ But we're very elated ♪

♪ And we're greatly understated when we say ♪

♪ We're the Creative Concepts Systems and Procedures ♪

♪ Brothers unlimited Inc., what do you think ♪

♪ This gentleman's our father ♪

♪ And we know that he would rather ♪

♪ Never say how many wives it took to make ♪

♪ The Creative Concepts Systems and Procedures ♪

♪ Brothers unlimited Inc., what do you think ♪

♪ I married a career girl ♪

♪ He married a career girl ♪

♪ Two virgins and three tramps ♪

♪ Two virgins and three tramps ♪

♪ By the time this one came along ♪

♪ I was so old they called me gramps ♪

♪ These two are legit ♪

♪ This one's a little shit ♪

♪ And I know that there are others ♪

♪ Who certainly are brothers ♪

♪ But not ♪

♪ The Creative Concepts Systems and ♪

(singing gibberish)

♪ What do you think ♪

♪ We weren't born with smarts ♪

♪ But we got six balls, three hearts ♪

♪ So the brothers got together and formed ♪

(singing gibberish)

♪ What do you think ♪

♪ Remember that day we met Mr. Big ♪

♪ That day we met a man, yeah ♪

♪ They called the Money Man ♪

♪ He gave us half a million for a plan to start ♪

♪ The Creative Concepts Systems and Procedures ♪

♪ Brothers unlimited Inc., what do you think ♪

♪ We arty and creative ♪

♪ And smartly innovative ♪

♪ We believe in nepotism ♪

♪ Oh, good morning Mrs. Prism ♪

♪ We're the one and only ♪

♪ I'll never be a lonely ♪

♪ I gotta work ♪

♪ Getting unemployment ♪

♪ A junkie, a drunk, living in a bunk ♪

♪ I'm lucky to be ♪

♪ Single and free ♪

♪ Our mothers must be proud ♪

♪ For crying out loud ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ We have us ♪

♪ Are we ♪

♪ Together we make three ♪

♪ We're the The Creative Concepts ♪

♪ Systems and Procedures ♪

♪ Brothers unlimited Inc. ♪

♪ What do you think ♪

♪ I need a drink ♪

(whimsical music)

- Gentlemen, I call this meeting

to discuss our deteriorating financial situation.

- What about our league?

- Face it, Ned, Big League Bocce is not going to catch on.

We're broke, gentlemen.

- We mustn't give up.

Big League Bocce's gonna sweep the country.

Just ask Mr. Big to give us more time.

- Yeah, Red's right.

After all, we named the league after him.

- Yeah, we still got one team left.

Thank God for the Greensboro Pisanos

- But if there's only one team left,

who are they gonna play?

- You're so negative.

- Ah, fuck you.

- Hey, what about this telegram?

First you sing, then you talk.

You want this telegram or what?

- I'll take that, young man.

(gasps)

- What's up, Fred?

- It's from the Greensboro Pisanos.

- Well?

- Fangul, y'all, we quit.

Gentlemen, it's all over. (phone rings)

- Creative Concepts Systems and Procedures

Brothers unlimited Inc.

Home of Big League Bocce, now defunct.

Miss Bliss speaking.

May I help you?

Fred, it's Mr. Big. (dramatic music)

(gasps)

I'm sorry, he's having a heart attack right now.

May I take a message.

- [Mr. Big] They don't get the half million to me

in 24 hours, I'll take them one by one

and blow their fucking brains out.

- We'll see that he gets the message.

And thank you for calling.

Say hello to Mrs. Big.

Bye.

You guys is dead.

- Don't say that.

We still got a whole day.

- We've got to make a fortune fast.

Let's sell real estate.

- Too risky. - What about heroine?

- Too much government competition.

Any other ideas?

(all talking at once)

- Hold it.

Hold it!

(beeping music)

You guys are creative, aren't you?

- Sure. - Yeah.

- Goddamn right.

- Well, there's only one way to make that kind of money

in 24 hours.

Make a porno flick.

A dirty movie.

You'll clean up.

- But we don't know nothing about movie making.

- Aw, with some technical assistance,

you can put together a dynamite fuck film.

What you need is lots of raunchy sex,

plenty of sucking and fucking.

- Yeah, maybe even a plot.

- Terrific Red.

- Nah, nah, nah.

You need plenty of hardcore sex.

(all panting)

Close ups.

(all gasping)

Penetration.

- Whoa! - Moaning and groaning.

- Oh yeah.

- Now.

Here's an idea.

You got this girl, see,

and she's all alone,

practically. (whimsical music)

(sexy music)

- Another lonely Saturday night.

Stood up again.

Men are so horrid.

(mellow music)

(dog grunting)

- Oh, but I couldn't.

You're a dog.

- So.

I've had all my shots.

I'm attractive,

and I'm a purebred cocker. - You are.

You're beautiful.

- And easy to please.

Discreet.

You don't have to do a thing, sweetheart.

Fido will take care of you.

Come on, baby.

♪ Come as you are ♪

♪ Just take it a little closer ♪

♪ To your situation ♪

♪ Following the way that you feel ♪

♪ The way you writhe ♪

♪ A little closer ♪

♪ Get yourself to something on me ♪

♪ 'Cause baby we got something ♪

♪ Something we both can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, it's so good ♪

♪ You're good ♪

♪ We got a good thing going on ♪

- Oh, yes, Fido.

Speak, speak.

Yes.

Yes.

(moaning) Oh, Fido, you're such a beast.

(howling) (screaming)

♪ I got something ♪

- You really are a girl's best friend.

♪ We got something ♪

♪ You got a good thing going on ♪

♪ We got a good thing going on ♪

- [All] Oh.

- Sexy, huh?

And you can bet your ass every guy in the audience

is gonna be identifying with that dog.

- Just a moment, boys.

We'll get a lot of heat from the Humane Society.

- Yeah, Fred's right.

- What about you, Gramps.

Got any ideas?

- I've got some great ideas.

How about this.

Guy's walking down the street,

sees a sign,

goes in.

(upbeat music)

Hot shit!

(clears throat)

Excuse me,

I'm a little embarrassed about this,

but who do I see about taking nude photographs.

Ooh. (giggles)

- Well, you came to the right place, honey.

Is there anymore at home like you?

- Well, I-- - I don't see him.

Girls get a load of what just walked in.

- Oh my goodness.

- Oh my god. - Yeah.

- My worthless life has meaning.

- Wait a minute, now wait a minute.

I'm supposed to take pictures of you.

What about the money?

- Well, here's a 50.

Lie down on the table, honey.

This won't hurt a bit.

- Oh, oh, hey wait-- (giggling)

Oh, please, oh, my heart.

- Yahoo, it's a big one!

- My blood pressure, ooh. (giggling)

Oh, oh. - Don't be a pig.

How do you like it, Gramps?

- Oh, I like it like that, but what about the pictures?

Ooh, oh, my heart. (giggling)

Oh, that's nice.

(Gramps moaning)

Yahoo! - Here we go again!

- I got this side. (giggling)

(laughing)

- Well, how'd you like it?

- Well, it's a swell fantasy, Gramps,

but it's just not believable.

The audience will never buy it.

- What do you mean?

It happened to me twice just last week.

- Ooh, ooh, I got an idea for the flick.

- Yeah, here it comes.

- Well, everyone's been in a hospital

and had those fantasies,

thinking of the nurses, whacking off in bed.

(chuckling)

- I never whack off in bed.

I think it's depraved. - Nah, fuck you.

- Well, anyway, here's the idea.

Guy's just waking up from an operation.

See?

He's groggy.

Just coming to, see.

And he starts calling, see.

Nurse, nurse.

(groaning) Nurse.

- It's all right, sir.

Nurse is here.

What is it? - I'm sinking fast.

- Yes, I know. - I only have a few minutes.

- Poor thing. - I'm so horny.

Help me.

Please.

- Oh, you poor sick thing.

Well, Nurse McPringle never shrinks from a challenge,

no matter how big.

(Red groaning)

- [Red] Yes, nurse, ah.

Yes! (moaning)

(both moaning) ("William Tell's Overture")

I'm coming!

(both moaning)

Oh, that's it.

(both moaning) ("William Tell's Overture")

- What's going on in there? - Oops!

Some poor devil is suffering.

- Doctor, who was that masked lady.

I wanted to thank her.

- Why sir, that was no masked lady.

That was the head nurse.

(Red groaning)

("William Tell's Overture")

- Down.

Down boy, down, big fella. (horse neighing)

Whoa!

Whoa! ("William Tell's Overture")

(laughing)

- My idea was right.

- Now, that's box office, I tell ya.

A first class motion picture.

- Gummy Pachino. (laughing)

- I've an idea for a picture.

A porno monster thriller (laughing)

about a blowfish.

(laughing) (suspenseful music)

Who sucks off on weary swimmers.

Can't you see that fucking fish? (laughing)

(upbeat music) (swimmer groaning)

(laughing)

- We'll title it as Deep Trout. (laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Gentlemen, we're just floundering around here.

It seems clear we've reached the point

where we need technical assistance.

- I know just the man you need.

Give me that phone.

Person to person to Federico Gepetto.

Met Gepetto on the beach at Anzio during the big one.

We surrendered to each other immediately,

and we've been fast friends ever since.

Huh?

Well, prado to you to.

Hey, Gepetto!

Oh, it's me,

Grandpa.

Yeah, it sure has been a long time.

Listen, I got a job for you to do.

Hop on a plane and get over here.

And hurry.

Ciao.

- Hey, you guys,

now all you need is a first-class cameraman.

I know just where we can dig one up.

- Listen to me, all of you.

I have to be in this film.

I wanna be the star.

I need a chance.

Give me the chance.

- I'm sure you're aware, Miss Bliss,

that we can't hire an actress without (giggling)

an audition.

- I understand.

("William Tell's Overture") Come and get it, boys!

- [Ned] Oh, baby!

("William Tell's Overture") (everyone shouting)

- Wait a minute!

Either one of you guys left your cock in there,

or Miss Bliss is a boy.

- Nobody's perfect.

(depressing music)

♪ I'm singing in the pain ♪

♪ Just singing in the rain ♪

♪ I'm only happy when I'm in pain ♪

(doorbell chimes)

Alas, step right up here, sir.

Welcome to the Pleasure Chest.

- Uh, I'm looking for an old friend,

a guy named-- - Eh no, no,

there's no need for pretense.

With us, it's not just hit and miss.

Perhaps I can interest you in some of our erotic devices.

Now, here's a genuine French tickler.

A steal at two bucks.

- Uh, I don't think so.

I'm really looking for a-- - How 'bout

the all electric You Whack-It Masturbator.

It's guaranteed for a full 20 minutes.

- I swear to God, I'm looking for an old friend.

- A guy named-- - No, no.

No need to feel ill at ease.

We're bound to please.

I'm here to help you.

Is there anything I can do to make you feel uncomfortable?

Perhaps bondage is your game.

The soft supple feel of leather.

We're fully stocked with restraints,

shackles, hooks, clips, Spanish handcuffs,

studded collars, all manner of demonic devices to inflict

pleasurable punishment up to and including death.

- Jesus.

Look, I'm trying to locate an old buddy

who used to be a movie cameraman

named Lash. - Why, that's me!

I'm Lash.

- Hey, old buddy, it's me, Jimmy.

I didn't recognize you without your hood.

- We know each other?

- Sure, from the old days.

You were directing Army training films.

I was a key grip. - Ah, Army training films.

Now, those were actors

who understood the meaning of discipline.

Hi-yah!

Hi-yah!

Cat of nine tails, it's an enforcer.

Hmm, hmm?

We ship

anywhere.

- No, listen, Lash, we need your help.

I'm working with a bunch of greenhorns on a fuck film.

We need a great cameraman.

How about it?

- No.

I'm through with the business.

- For old time's sake, piece of the picture?

- Never.

I'm not even for points.

I have been pushing these prurient interests, amorous

bullshit, for years now,

and I couldn't be happier.

Get into plastics, kid, you'll make a fortune.

- But the actors need you.

They need that professional touch.

- Sorry.

- They need inspiration and organization.

- Forget it, sweetheart.

- More than anything else, Lash, they need

discipline. - Why didn't you say so?

I'm your boy.

Get me a cab.

Call me a taxi. - You're a taxi.

- Hi-yah, hi-ya! (Jimmy groaning)

(whimsical music)

- Gepetto! - Grandpa!

(laughing)

(speaking foreign language) - Ah, and this

must be Pinocchio.

- How do you do, sir?

- [Gramps] Well, feel free to nose around, little boy

- Ooh!

- My Pinocchio, he's a such a good boy.

- Oh!

Pinocchio, you're so good.

- See, everybody say so.

So, you make a film.

Where's your stars? - Me, me!

I'm the star.

- One star?

Huh, we need more.

Many more.

But not to worry.

Federico creates his own stars from a-scratch.

I carve them from my own imagination.

- Ah, you should be aware that we're in a bit of a rush.

Our very lives are at stake.

- So.

Rapido.

Pinocchio, read-a the list.

- All right you guys, here's what we need.

Clay. - Clay.

- Wood. - Wood.

- Nails. - Nails.

- 10 miles of blue chiffon. - 10 miles of blue chiffon.

- Two miles of foam rubber. - Two miles of foam rubber.

Elmer's glue, paste,

plenty of scotch tape, a gallon of vaseline--

- And all the dildos you can get your hands on.

- [Miss Bliss] I have all those things in my desk.

- So, we begin.

(dramatic music)

(machine whirring) (Gepetto humming)

Foam, foam, I need more foam.

(materials crashing) Ah!

Nobody likes a smart ass.

(dramatic music)

- How you like my cock ring, honey?

You wanna try it on for size?

I knew you'd like it. (chuckling)

Now, get rid of that other thing, come on.

Look, what's your favorite there?

You see one you like?

Ooh, ooh, watch out, watch out, my ears.

That's what I call head.

(upbeat music)

- Is this a joke?

Who made these tits?

I wouldn't be caught dead in these tits.

- Rest easy, Belissima.

You not finished yet.

You gonna be lovely.

- Hey, you pretty sexy for a old guy.

You wanna party?

(whimsical music)

- uh, Gepetto?

- No.

No, that's all wrong.

- Thank you.

Thank you, Rabbi.

(humming)

♪ I'll be loving you ♪

(whimsical music)

- Here it is, Gepetto. - Oh, thank you.

Hey, where's your fairy godmother?

Who's a make?

Listen what I say.

All of my films had a fairy godmother,

and they all were hits. - Attention everyone.

If he wants a fairy godmother, I think he should have one.

- And who are you, madam?

- I'm the secretary for urban Women for Decent Pornography.

- You're in the wrong movie.

Get out.

- You're obviously a woman of taste.

You stay.

The work is a finitio.

And there's our new star.

(whimsical music)

- Hi-yah!

No talking.

Listen and listen good, you cretins.

I'm here to whip this porno film into shape.

Places.

Get this number on it's feet.

Let's rehearse it first.

♪ When I'm calling you ♪

- Cut!

Cut, cut!

This is a porno flick.

- Well, how about

♪ When I'm balling you ♪

- Very funny, Mary.

I said quiet!

Where is the number I wrote?

Can they learn it?

- Of course, they can.

These are my stars.

- Quim.

- Quim.

- Quim.

(whimsical music)

- Enough!

Enough!

Let's go for a take.

Sound!

- [Jimmy] Rolling.

- Camera!

Oh, fucking shit.

- Where the hell is the...

What the, speed...

Found them.

- Ready when you are, sailor.

- Scene one.

Take one.

Action.

(whimsical music)

♪ Quim, ta ta ta ♪

♪ Quim, ta ta ta ♪

♪ Quivering quim ta ta ta ♪

♪ I trust salacious, contraciously slim ♪

♪ Ha ha, quim, ♪

♪ Ha ha, quim, ♪

♪ A cavernous quim ♪

♪ The thrill of fulfilling is all up to him ♪

♪ Ha ha, coos, coos ♪

♪ They're glorious coos ♪

♪ You could drive me to madness ♪

♪ For glorious coo, ha ha ha ♪

♪ Cock ♪

♪ Cock ♪

♪ Haven't you had ♪ - Cut!

Cut!

Can't you creeps remember my fucking choreography?

- Of course I can, bitch.

- Goddamn amateur.

We got this shit in a can where it belongs.

Let's move on.

Sound.

Camera!

- Speed

- Quaaludes.

- Take it, sailor. - Scene one, take two.

Action.

♪ Sweet peach, I pray you ♪

♪ I can't wait to lay you ♪

♪ Make a date my darling ♪

♪ God, I want your body ♪

♪ Let's run amok ♪

♪ Breathing in your grass ♪

♪ Why don't we fuck ♪

♪ That's me too, God I want ♪

♪ Your ♪ - Cut,

cut, cut, cut, cut!

I can't understand my lyrics.

What is this horseshit?

This is ridiculous poo poo.

Hi-yah!

What is this costume?

There's no skin showing.

Tacky, it's terrible.

Oh, go away all of you.

I can't even look at you anymore.

We'll finish this after lunch.

Next number.

Fluffer, fluffer where is the fluffer?

- [Fluffer] Coming, Lash.

- Fluffer, my head is killing me.

- [Fluffer] Oh.

(whimsical music) (moaning)

- Harder, do it harder.

Oh, thank you, thanks.

(whimsical music) (moaning)

Oh, my Lipchitz.

(whimsical music) (moaning)

Oh, love it, love it, love it!.

(whimsical music) (moaning)

Again, again.

Oh, hit me, hit me.

- Hmm, uh-uh.

- It's gone.

My headache is gone.

(upbeat music)

(groaning)

- uh, excuse me, Lash.

Do you have a second to take a look at a skit

that Grandpa and I wrote?

- I wrote most of it.

- You did not.

- Let's hear it.

♪ That old black magic ♪

You see, I'm a witch. (giggling)

♪ That old black ♪

Why, you may have one wish granted.

- I wish I had a dingle dangle

that could touch the floor.

(laughing)

- So, the witch takes a saw out of her dress

and chops his legs off.

And (laughing), and then he says--

- Holy shit.

(laughing)

- That's the worst thing I ever heard.

Who wrote that shit?

- [Both] He did!

- Out, both of you, out, out, out.

Ah!

(whimsical music)

Hi-yah!

Next number.

Move.

Move.

Sing, you prick.

♪ Ah, she's ♪

♪ The America dream girl ♪

♪ Now listen ♪

♪ My peaches and cream girl ♪

♪ Figure, form, and face ♪

♪ Far surpass the human race ♪

♪ Your grace ♪

♪ Is what I esteem, girl ♪

♪ Charming you seem, girl ♪

♪ My American dream ♪

- Hi-yah!

No, no,

you piece of crotch.

Dammit, shout, ah shit.

(screaming)

Get with the program, huh?

♪ Each huge protuberance ♪

♪ Wins my exuberance ♪

♪ My pants are antsy-pantsy heads ♪

(music drowns out speaker)

- Oh, did your mama wear combat boots?

You stupid, vagina, I tell you you're full of shit.

(Lash groaning) ♪ My American dream girl ♪

♪ My American ♪

♪ Dream ♪

♪ Girl ♪

- Poo poo.

What are you, sweetheart, a painting?

- Up yours, I'm having my period.

- You really are a cunt.

Pimp hole, pimp hole.

Hi-yah!

Dance.

- She's a too busy bleeding to dance.

You frighten my actors.

You ruin the film, you stop.

- Out of the way, you old fart.

(whimsical piano music)

Your stars are shit, and you're a shit director.

- And you, you, you are a sadistic spanish sissy.

And your mother was a-- - Ah, hi-yah, hi-yah!

Poo poo, caca, shit, shit, shit!

I quit.

Hi-yah!

(whimsical music)

And you, Fluffer.

Have my whip sent to the plaza.

Hi-yah!

- Hey, who do I have to fuck to get out of this flick?

- Me.

I know the director.

(laughing)

Far out! Whoo-hoo!

(whimsical piano music) (laughing)

- This tension is unbearable.

Blasted all, I'm going out for a drink.

- You can't leave, Fred.

We're not finished yet.

- Gentlemen, that is debatable.

- Suppose Mr. Big calls back?

What'll we say?

- Your prayers, my good man, your prayers.

I shall return.

(mellow music)

(crying)

- Aww, what's the matter, sugar?

- I'm a disgraced by this filth.

They have taken advantage of an older man.

The film makes a mockery of my work, my reputation,

my genius.

It is filthy and disgusting,

and slowly paced. (crying)

Come, Pinocchio.

We go home now.

You go to school.

- Aw, pop.

I don't wanna go to school.

I wanna stay here and play it by ear.

(Miss Bliss moaning) (crying)

- I hear you coming, big boy.

(moaning)

- So, I am alone once more.

I am so ashamed.

I go now.

Find a boat.

- Oh, life is too short to sweat the small stuff, sugar.

Now, listen to what I've got to say.

(upbeat music)

♪ Have you lost your sunshine ♪

♪ Trouble got you down ♪

♪ Are you feeling left out ♪

♪ Well, take a look around ♪

♪ Everybody's waiting ♪

♪ For that sun to break through ♪

♪ So, try and keep yourself together ♪

♪ Until it shines for you ♪

♪ Smile through the heartaches ♪

♪ Laugh at the blues ♪

♪ Smile and be happy ♪

♪ What you got to lose ♪

♪ Smile when you're down and out ♪

♪ You'll find if you do ♪

♪ The whole world will soon be ♪

♪ Smiling at you ♪

♪ When you're feeling happy ♪

♪ And you wear a smile ♪

♪ Your troubles seem so easy ♪

♪ And living's so worthwhile ♪

♪ What's the use of crying ♪

♪ Over things that might have been ♪

♪ There's nothing you can't do to change it ♪

♪ So let that sun shine in ♪

♪ Smile through the heartaches ♪

♪ Laugh at the blues ♪

♪ Smile and be happy ♪

♪ What you got to lose ♪

♪ Smile when you're down and out ♪

♪ You find if you do ♪

♪ The whole world will soon be ♪

♪ Smiling at you ♪

♪ The whole world will soon be ♪

♪ Smiling at you ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Come on and smile through the heartaches ♪

♪ Laugh at the blues ♪

♪ Smile and be happy ♪

♪ What you got to lose ♪

♪ Smile when you're down and out ♪

♪ You'll find if you do ♪

♪ The whole world will soon be ♪

♪ Smiling at you ♪

♪ I. Ia la la la la la la la ♪

♪ I. Ia la la la ♪

♪ I. Ia la la la ♪

♪ I. Ia la la la la la la la ♪

♪ I. Ia la la la ♪

♪ I. Ia la la ♪

♪ Come and smile through the heartaches ♪

♪ Laugh at the blues ♪

♪ Smile and be happy ♪

♪ What you got to lose ♪

♪ Smile when you're down and out ♪

♪ You'll find if you do ♪

♪ The whole world will soon be ♪

♪ Smiling at you ♪

♪ So, smile through the heartaches ♪

♪ Laugh at the blues ♪

♪ Smile and be happy ♪

♪ What you got to lose ♪

♪ Smile when you're down and out ♪

♪ You'll find if you do ♪

♪ The whole world will soon be ♪

♪ Smiling at you ♪

♪ Come and smile through the heartaches ♪

♪ Laugh at the blues ♪

♪ Smile and be happy ♪

♪ What you got to lose ♪

(wind howling)

(depressing whimsical music)

- Ah, sweet solitude.

No naked bodies in disgusting contortions.

No genitalia staring me in the face.

Free at last.

(upbeat burlesque music)

There must be refuge somewhere.

(upbeat burlesque music)

Women.

(upbeat burlesque music)

Is there no rest for the weary?

- What's the matter with you, pal?

You a faggot or something?

- I'd merely like to be left alone, if you please.

(upbeat burlesque music)

(mellow music)

- (sighs) Must be a faggot.

Hey, move it over here, baby.

Old AI knows what to do when he gets his hands on it.

- Ah, fuck off. - Oh, come on,

give me a handful, baby.

I promise I'll lick my fingers all the way home.

- Creep.

(mellow music)

- Have mercy.

- Oh gee, you're English.

- Correct.

And you, my dear woman,

are perverse. - Oh gee, thanks.

- Hey, how come you stick it in his face,

you won't stick it in mine?

- Because your vibrations suck.

That's why. (drum beats)

- Ah, you bitch! (screaming)

- Sir, you're out of bounds.

- You get out of my way, buster,

or I'm gonna shove this bottle where the sun don't shine.

- I beg your pardon.

- I better not, he'd probably like it.

- I must warn you, sir,

I'm quite well-versed in the martial arts.

- No shit.

(laughing)

(mellow music)

- (moaning) Where am I? - My place.

You were knocked cold.

Hey, that's quite some bump you got there.

- (groaning) Oh, it hurts, too.

- I was talking about the bump

between your legs, sweetheart.

Tell me, how are you hung, anyway?

- Oh, I'm not hung at all.

Marionettes are hung.

I'm a hand puppet.

- Oh, you're so witty and brave.

I'll bet you're a very important man.

- Actually, I'm a film producer.

- Hey, far out.

How long you been in the business?

- All day.

And I must be dashing back.

My partners need me.

- Yeah, but you rescued me.

Let me show you how grateful I am.

All you English guys are such turn-ons.

- Please, I really must be going.

- Come on, baby.

I won't keep you long.

(mellow music)

- very well.

But I mustn't linger.

You see, I have serious corporate problems.

- Don't worry about that.

I'll get it up for ya.

- What shall we do?

- Freddy, I have a confession to make.

- [Fred] Do tell. - I've been a very

bad

girl.

- So, I gathered.

- When I was little,

my daddy would spank me if I was bad.

- [Fred] My word.

- Spank me.

Hit me, daddy.

I've been such a bad girl.

- Really?

- Hit me, please.

Make my little fanny red.

- Hmmm.

- [Woman] Hit me, please. (moaning)

- My word.

- [Woman] Yes, Freddy.

Hit harder, harder.

(moaning)

Ooh, oh yes, Freddy. (moaning)

I love it, Freddy, yes.

- My dear, it's truly smashing.

(upbeat music) (woman moaning)

- [Woman] Oh, Freddy, you're such a wonderful spanker.

How do you last so long?

- Well my dear, it's all in the wrist.

- [Woman] What about you, Freddy?

What can I do to make you happy?

- I'd really rather not say. - Come on, tell me.

- Promise you won't laugh?

- Cross my heart, and hope to die.

What do you like?

- Would you take your bra and panties

and put them on my head, and then--

(laughing)

- I knew it, I knew it.

Just get me your bra and panties.

I need them.

- You're weird.

Is David Cross as kinky as you are?

- Never mind.

Now, the grapes, get the grapes.

- The grapes? - Over there, the grapes.

All right love, give them a toss.

(grunting) (upbeat music)

Throw it, love, harder.

Don't worry, they're seedless.

Ha ha, you missed me.

Ooh!

(laughing)

Ow!

I am having an arrival. (moaning)

(woman laughing)

- Thanks.

I needed that.

Oh! - You're weird.

- (clears throat) Well, my dear, I must depart.

My troops need me.

Ta-ta.

- Well,

it's been nice meeting you.

I think.

- Years from now, when you talk about this,

be kind.

(dramatic music)

How go the wars, gentlemen? - Hey, Fred's back.

(laughing)

- Fred, what have you got on your head?

- On my head?

There's nothing on my head.

- [Ned] Got it.

(laughing)

- You're the boss.

- [Fred] How's it going?

- Gepetto and Lash ran out on us.

Fucking foreigners.

- Ooh, but we might have enough.

I'm working on the first cut.

- Hang in there boys, we'll lick this thing yet.

- Lick my ass.

- Let's see.

41/2 times 318 reels minus

pi squared, 16 frames to the dozen.

Uh, let me see.

What's seven plus four?

- Uh, eight.

- Right.

Good god, there must be half a million feet of film here.

- Hell, that ought to be plenty.

- That's too many feet, for Christ sakes.

Who wants to see feet anyway?

People don't wanna see feet.

They wanna see pussy and cocks and tits and ass.

- Not that kind of feet, you dumbbell.

- Gentlemen, we have a crisis.

Our movie has no ending. - What?

That can't be. - You gotta be kidding.

You don't know what happened.

- Look.

Here's the beginning,

and here's the middle.

But we have no end.

- [Ned] What'll do we do?

- We're screwed.

- [Fred] We could film an ending, I suppose.

- Let's put some new stuff

between the beginning and the middle.

Then the old middle will be the new end.

- Yeah, how about some commercials?

People are used to seeing commercials

in the middle of everything.

- Yeah, x-rated commercials. - The public will love it.

- Think we can come up with some?

- Sure we can.

Let's not forget our heritage.

♪ We're the Creative Concepts Systems and Procedures ♪

- Oh, cut that shit out.

Now, let's get to work.

- Hey, let's do the one where that girl holds up the soap.

- How about the one with the widow and the toilet bowl?

- Yeah, that's a swell idea.

- [Fred] We're interviewing

high fashion model Ms. Jessica Coos

on the subject of feminine hygiene sprays.

Jessica tell me-- (phone ringing)

- Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, this is Jessica.

Paul?

I don't know you.

Oh, Harry sent you.

Why didn't you say?

Well, 100 bucks an hour, sweetheart.

Right.

Sure you can come right up.

But no whips or none of that kinky shit, please.

Bye-bye.

Oh, where were we?

- [Fred] I was about to ask you for your favorite brand

of feminine hygiene spray.

- Oh, I always use new Sweet Fish.

- Why Sweet Fish, Ms. Coos?

- Well us models, under the hot lights and all,

our cunts can get pretty skunky.

And if it isn't fresh,

I'm out of business.

Isn't that sweet, you little money maker, you?

♪ Use new Sweet Fish everyday ♪

♪ Keep that skunky cunt away ♪

♪ Use new Sweet Fish everyday ♪

♪ Keep that skunky cunt away ♪

♪ Sweet Fish ♪

(film projector whirring)

♪ I gonna put you in the movies ♪

♪ I'm gonna make a big star outta you ♪

♪ I'm gonna put you in the movies ♪

♪ And all you gotta do is ♪

♪ Hang loose and screw ♪

(machine whirring)

Hmmm.

(moaning and laughing)

- Doctor, really.

You are a cheeky devil, you are.

Ooh.

Ow.

- How long have you had these pains?

- Well, I don't know, I lost my watch,

but I guess it's about, uh,

four years, um, three months, and two days.

- Well, I'm glad you came to me right away.

Let's see here.

- Ooh, Doctor, do you think that I might be--

- Now, now.

Just relax and we'll see what we have here.

- [Patient] It's so hard waiting, doctor.

(moaning)

- Ha, I have it!

A Climax watch.

Still ticking after four years, three months, and two days.

Climax.

It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

That's why Climax

is the largest selling watch on 47th Street.

- Climax?

Bullshit, you better take another look down there.

My watch was a Pulsar.

- [Fred] Isn't it time you had a Climax?

(whimsical music)

- If I were a switch, where would I be?

- Push everything.

What do you got to lose?

(upbeat music)

(Gramps yelling)

- Stop fucking around.

(upbeat music)

- I hate the taste of Lusterine,

but I use it 40 times a day.

(upbeat music)

I'm so oral.

I love it.

♪ Lusterine ♪

♪ When you go to bed ♪

♪ When you're giving head ♪

♪ Lusterine ♪

- It was a smashing idea, Red, but I don't think it'll work.

- Golly, why not?

- It's just not dramatically viable.

- Oh, what the fuck do you know?

Our asses are on the line.

Let's put them in.

(Red and Ned arguing)

- Gentlemen, gentlemen, please don't despair.

All we need is a shot

to get our creative juices flowing again.

(door slams)

- [All] It's Mr. Big!

(dramatic music)

- These guys don't look glad to see me, boys.

Where's my half a million dollars?

(dramatic music)

Well, where's the money?

- (chuckling) Gee, I don't know.

It was around here someplace.

- Wise guy, huh?

Somebody better come up with the money,

or you're all as good as dead.

- You'll have it as soon as the movie is released, Mr. Big,

with interest.

- When will that be?

According to my watch, yous got one hour.

(Ned stammering)

What's the matter with him?

- He ain't himself since you came in the door.

I'm the s-s-s-same w-w-w-w-way m-m-m-m-myself.

- You guys better stop blubbering and start fundraising.

Ernie,

hock all this equipment,

and send all the money to the widows.

- Jesus.

- This looks like a job for Mighty Mouth!

- [Brothers] Yay!

- All right boys, I got him.

Run!

- Get her off of me!

No, wait, wait.

Yous can run, but you can't hide.

I'll see you creeps in your office in one hour.

("William Tell's Overture")

(water bubbling)

- Excuse me, Madam.

Your car. - Oh, James.

It's time to go already? - Yes, Madam.

You have a bridge date.

- Cancel it.

I'm going to stay here and help these poor souls.

They're trying to create

an erotic film and failing dismally.

It's a matter of life and death.

- Oh, forget it, lady.

Ned? - Yeah?

- Fred? - Yeah?

- Red? - Yeah?

- You guys are dead.

- He's right, nothing can save us.

- It's all over.

- Just a moment.

If Madam says she'll help, all is well.

- Are you kidding?

Look at her.

What does she know?

She's an old lady.

- Madam, they've thrown down the gauntlet.

- Gentlemen, I may look like an old lady on the outside,

but inside, I'm as hot and as wet as the best of them.

♪ I got scrawny thighs and beady eyes ♪

♪ A bulbous nose and sagging hose, but I'm ♪

♪ The sensuous woman ♪

♪ My mammaries are memories ♪

♪ But still I can ♪

♪ Delight my man, 'cause I'm ♪

♪ The sensuous woman ♪

♪ What I do is sensuali-tease him ♪

♪ Come to mama, fudge him ♪

♪ Blow in his ear ♪

♪ Or nip on his rear ♪

♪ He's ripe for plucking ♪

♪ Lend your sex electrics ♪

♪ Ting-A-Ling-A-Ling-A ♪

♪ A maddening lick ♪

♪ With a butterfly flick and a blow ♪

♪ Your man down ♪

♪ So when your bedroom bores ♪

♪ Get out of doors ♪

♪ Try a rope and a hack ♪

♪ Or the BMD track ♪

♪ And live ♪

♪ Like the sensuous woman ♪

♪ And if your Romeos ♪

♪ Drooping low ♪

♪ A tired he ♪

♪ Do it orally ♪

♪ You better be ♪

♪ The sensuous woman ♪

♪ The sensuous woman ♪

- You're terrific.

- Yeah, sexy. - Help us.

- Save our movie.

- Take us to the Promise Land, sweet mama.

- But Madam, what shall I do with the car?

- Sell it, you dummy.

- You really think we can make it?

- [Madam] Of course, you can make it.

Remember who you are.

♪ We're the Creative Concepts Systems and Procedures ♪

♪ Brothers unlimited Inc., what do you think ♪

- And don't you forget it.

You've got imagination, taste,

and this boy has a problem that can help you.

- Yeah, give me a chance.

- And you shall have it, my dear.

What you need is Buffo production numbers, today's sound,

a rock beat, transvestites, ah.

Stop it, you two.

- What about me?

What can I do?

- Pinocchio, according to my notes,

you have now cum seven times.

- Eight. - Eight times.

And you shall be

rewarded. (audience applauds)

- I've become a partner.

(upbeat music) (audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

♪ She lives a life marked his and hers ♪

♪ In a world of changing sex ♪

♪ She's the king and queen of differences ♪

♪ In a dream that's rated X ♪

♪ She took to drag and dressing up ♪

♪ 'Cause it sure beats driving trucks ♪

♪ Her world's a myth like gravity ♪

♪ It has no pull, it sucks ♪

♪ There's lots of things about her ♪

♪ That you never understand ♪

♪ I mean, how can you talk to a lady ♪

♪ That's every inch a man ♪

♪ Why she's the new all American boy ♪

♪ She got the curse of every mother's son ♪

♪ She's the new all American boy ♪

♪ With her, you get two ♪

♪ For the price of one ♪

♪ Show me your la la ♪

(harmonizing)

♪ Oh beautiful ♪

♪ Her life's a constant struggle ♪

♪ In a boy meets girl facade ♪

♪ While the girly part comes easy ♪

♪ For the man, the part stays hard ♪

♪ So, she went to see the doctor man ♪

♪ She said, hey make me a fox ♪

♪ She took a shot of G ♪

♪ Her breast of things ♪

♪ And a brand new plastic part ♪

♪ Now, she's the foxy lady ♪

♪ That you've been waiting for ♪

♪ So what if the girl of your dreams turns out ♪

♪ To be the boy next door ♪

♪ She's the new all American boy ♪

♪ She got the curse of every mother's son ♪

♪ She's the new all American boy ♪

♪ With her you get two ♪

♪ For the price of one ♪

♪ Oh yeah, guys, let's hear everything ♪

(harmonizing)

♪ She's the new all American boy ♪

♪ She's got the curse of every mother's son ♪

♪ I said that she's the new all American boy ♪

(sirens blaring) (whistle shrills)

- [Cop] All right, hold it right there.

Don't let these motherfuckers move.

- [Miss Bliss] Oh, son-of-a-bitch.

- Okay, you perpetrators is all under arrest

on account of making a dirty movie.

All right, you cunts, let's go.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four. (cunt farts)

All right kid, you're next.

Let's go.

You outta be ashamed of yourself.

Contributing to the delinquency of an adult.

- Up yours.

All right, hut, two, three, four.

Okay cutie, you're next.

Hey, by the way cutie, I'll uh,

see you when you get out.

(belches)

- Ooh. - All right, let's go.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three.

(depressing music)

- It was a good try, gentlemen, but we're goners.

- Hmm, our present predicament

severely limits our fund raising mobility.

- Listen.

We still got 45 minutes left.

Right?

- It seems to me you only got one shot, boys.

- [All] What?

- Politics.

- Totally unfeasible.

Gentlemen, we have enough problems.

We go into politics, we'll really be in trouble.

- All right, all right.

Quiet down yous perpetrators.

You're free.

All charges have been dropped.

(cheering)

- Wait a minute, officer.

I'm not sure I have a firm grasp of the situation.

- Social redeeming, that's what the situation is.

Some faggot judge says she got

social redeeming value in this here film.

You're free.

Outta here.

Out of my jail, all of ya.

Hut, two, three, four.

- You dirty screw.

You're the guy give to my brother in the back.

- Listen, who I fuck is my business.

Now, move it!

Bunch of perverts.

Social redeeming, my ass.

Fucking is fucking.

(upbeat music)

- Well, I still think we shoulda gone out to Hollywood.

Jimmy won't know what to say if we win.

- Ah, we'll never win.

Let's put on the ball game.

- Oh, ye of little faith.

- Look, they're announcing the nominees.

- Turn up the volume.

- And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment

we've all been waiting for

for the best picture of the year.

May I have the envelope please?

I'm so excited.

And the winner is...

You are hereby summoned

to appear before the grand jury in Memphis...

You asshole.

Gimme.

And the winner is...

I don't believe this shit.

The winner is

The Last Porno Flick. (all cheering)

Federico

Gepetto

Alexa.

Accepting the award for Mr. Gepetto is

Jimmy. - Go on down.

- Congratulations. - And since this is the first

fuck film to win an Oscar,

I just gotta thank two people who made it all possible.

The two people who invented fucking: Adam and Eve.

I didn't get their last names,

but they know who they are.

And I'm thrilled for my good buddy Gramps

that he lived to see this night.

- What an asshole.

(machine whirring)

(machine dings)

(everyone murmuring)

- There must be nine million dollars here, keep counting.

- There's 10 million in this pile,

and nine million in-- - Are you sure?

Let's start again and make sure,

'cause I don't wanna get screwed.

- Come on, come on, boys.

- Keep counting.

- I'm being taken advantage of.

That's my pile, get your hands off it.

- Come on now, don't fight.

I'm gonna take my share and go to that massage parlor

and go for broke.

- Hey.

Hey.

I've got an idea for our next movie.

How about

She Came on the Bus.

- Ah, horseshit.

Those travel films never make money.

I've got one.

Doctor Dick Makes a House Call. (laughing)

- Too medical, no zip.

You gotta play on their fantasies, boys.

How's this?

Teenage Grandmother.

- Yeah, great, yeah. - Terrific.

- No, no, no.

There'll be no more erotic film.

- Fred, why?

- Gentlemen, this is the last porno flick.

- Oh. - What?

- [Gramps] Yeah, we gotta think of something.

Yeah, what are we gonna do?

We all remember who we are.

- [Fred] Let's not forget our heritage.

♪ We're the Creative Concepts ♪

♪ Systems and Procedures ♪

♪ Brothers unlimited Inc. ♪

♪ What do you think ♪

♪ I need a drink ♪

(upbeat whimsical music)

(bomb explodes)

(bottles clatter)

(upbeat music)