Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

- One last time.

(sharp inhaling)

(dramatic electronic music)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(tense music) (muffled talking)

(loud inhaling) (upbeat club music)

- Katie?

- I'm a mother fucking god!

(dramatic music) (high pitch ringing)

(Katie sighs)

Hello everyone, um, (clears throat)

my name is Katie Marovitch and I have a cocaine problem.

- Yeah, obviously, can we get back to the pitch meeting?

- Wait, you guys knew about this?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- That's like your thing, right?

Like you're neurotic and paranoid

and you do a ton of cocaine.

- And you have Lupus and insomnia

and don't have any close friends.

- People typically like you at first

and then they get to know you

and they don't much care for your personality.

- Okay, okay, I get it!

Anyway, last night I was completely out of control.

- Yeah, again, Katie, we know, we were there.

You ruined the company party.

- Shut up you fucking idiots!

I am trying to apologize here!

- She's also temperamental.

(humming) - You are so right.

That's actually close. - I was actually gonna

say that, I forgot about that. - Okay, fine.

Can I just continue?

Thanks.

(clears throat)

I started doing coke so I'd be more fun at parties.

It became a part of my identity.

Katie and cocaine became entwined.

It's all anyone on our YouTube channel would comment about.

However, I don't like the monster it turns me into.

I lose control of my actions and I hurt others--

- Katie, you've said all this before

and then just gone right back to doing cocaine again.

- I bet you have coke on you right now.

- No!

- Come on.

- Fine, yes, but I'm gonna get rid of it.

God, I'm just, I'm trying to earn your respect.

- Hey, sorry I'm late.

The other meeting ran long.

- Oh, what's going on Trapp,

is there something I can help with?

I mean, just say the word.

- No, you're fine.

- Oh.

- So, listen, the higher ups have been

really breathing down my neck they're gonna

be making some changes around here.

To begin with, we're gonna be renting out

half our floor to that douchebag Sparx dating app company.

- Yeah, I think they just got here.

(women giggling)

- Uh, we're having poke bowls for free lunch today.

- Again?

It's crazy how they make something free feel like work.

- I know.

- Oh my God.

They're so much more attractive than us.

- Speak for yourself.

- No, they are.

- There's hot and then there's cool hot.

And they're just hot.

- Ally, all of us are sixes at best.

- I can think of someone hotter.

- So this is gonna get in the way of our shooting,

but it shouldn't affect us too much

if we manage it right.

Second, we need to start appealing to advertisers more

so no more swearing in sketches.

(everyone groans)

I know, okay, I'm sorry, it's just how it has to be.

No more swearing, no more explicit sexual content.

- Hey, that feels like it's directed at me.

- It is, and this is directed at Katie.

No more drug use in our videos.

- That won't be a problem for me

because I don't do cocaine anymore.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have some cocaine to get rid of.

- What? - No, Katie,

you can't do that in the middle of the work day.

(upbeat drumming music)

♪ No I aint done nothing, gotta do something ♪

- [Katie] Samson!

How's my favorite coke dealer?

- (hushes) Don't call me that!

- Sorry, sorry, hey. - Jesus.

- Hey, buddy.

- What are you doing?

Get off of me! - Sorry, sorry.

Did you get my friend request?

- No.

- What weekend are you free for Big Bear?

I'm planning that birthday thing.

- I'm not free.

- You're not free, okay. - I'm not free.

- Oh, I wanted to tell you,

there's actually a unit opening in my apartment building

so it might be like a fun chance for us to live close

and carpool. - Katie, Katie.

Listen to me, okay? - What?

- We're not friends!

This is the weirdest dealer-user

relationship that I've ever had.

(Samson scoffs)

Look, can we just handle this quickly, please?

- Yeah.

- Like, how much do you want?

- How much do I want?

Oh, of cocaine?

- Use the code word.

Pokemon. - Pokemon.

Pokemon. - Yes.

- Well, anyway, I'm not making a purchase,

I'm here to do a return.

- What the fuck!

What are you, crazy?

You can't return drugs.

- Yes, I can!

- No, you can't. - Yes, I absolutely can.

I have a receipt.

- You wrote that.

- This happened. - Look,

are you gonna buy more or no?

- No, I don't want to buy more!

- Okay, then we have nothing to talk about.

- Come on, what am I gonna do with $5.000 worth of coke?

- I don't know, that's not my problem.

- You are being so incredibly unreasonable right now

and I hate having to do this,

but I'm gonna need to speak to your manager.

- Screamin' Eddie?

You wanna talk to Screamin' Eddie?

- Yes, I do!

- Okay, well, good luck with that.

I gotta get outta here.

- Hey, Samson, where are you going?

Samson, do you wanna hang out later?

I have to go back to work now, but we can hang out later.

Samson, how dare you walk away from me!

It's okay, I forgive you.

(dramatic music)

We've had fun together, but,

we both know we need to end things.

(heels clicking)

- Ew.

Why are you sitting on the floor?

- Hey, get out of here!

- Wait, are you flushing coke down the office toilet?

- This is a private stall, what if I was naked?

- Oh my God, she is.

Is it laced with laundry detergent?

I hate that!

I am not a fucking shirt.

- Are you kidding me?

This is the creme de la coke.

I love snorkin' this shiz.

This is my favorite shiz to snork.

- Why are you talking like that?

- I don't know, but I'm clean now, so.

- Well, we're not.

Gimme.

(gasps) This is incredible.

- Really? - Don't flush this.

- What am I gonna do with it?

'Cause I'm not gonna snort it.

- Well, we'll take some.

- Yeah, this is Los Angeles,

you could probably sell the rest.

(light music)

- Well, technically it's West Hollywood

which is its own city, it was incorporated in 1984.

- Well, technically it is Los Angeles county,

so nothing I said was factually inaccurate.

But I, too, am fascinated by the municipality

divides across the country.

- Okay, that's technically true, but--

- Okay, okay!

Where can I sell this?

- Ooh, I have seen drugs passed around Club Devotion.

You should try there.

Give me some of that. - Go, go, go, go.

Cheers, betch. - Cheers, betch.

(snorting) (light music)

Anyway! (upbeat club music)

- ID?

- Yes.

- [Bouncer] All right, go ahead in.

- You don't need to check my bag?

- Nah, I can tell you're not up to anything.

- Excuse me?

What does that even mean?

Just because I'm some skinny unassuming white girl

I can't be up to anything?

This is a massive bag.

Who brings a massive bag to a club?

I could have anything in here.

- You're right, I should check your bag.

- No, don't check my bag!

(upbeat club music) (muffled talking)

After you.

(light music)

It's pretty tame in here for a Tuesday.

Last week was wild.

Do you like dancing?

(woman hums)

Yeah, me too.

What about music?

You good with music? - Yeah, yes.

(Katie laughs) Love it!

- Yeah, cool, cool.

Me, too.

(woman chuckles)

♪ Do you want to buy cocaine from me ♪

- Oh! - Yeah.

- Oh, are you trying to sell me coke?

- I am.

- Oh, fuck yeah. - Oh, wonderful.

- Hey guys, she's selling cocaine.

Thank God! - Yes, yes.

- [Joey] Hey, Charlie, how you doing man?

- Hey, Joey. - It's good to see ya.

How you doin', I'm all right.

Hey, you owe me, come on, where you at?

- I like it to look cute and not so druggy.

- Aye, what a great idea!

And it's such a cute personal touch.

- [Katie] (laughs) Thank you!

(upbeat music) (muffled talking)

- This place is jumping.

How you doing, baby?

- [Bartender] Hi, handsome, how are you?

- Vodka on the rocks, please.

Hey, how you doin'?

All right.

- Hey, yo. - Hey, Jason Alexander!

What's up, man?

Hey, what you need?

- Oh, I'm good actually, my girlfriend got us stuff.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

(light dramatic music)

(sharp inhaling) (upbeat music)

♪ Renew, I'm closing ♪

- I love that you come to me.

- And we don't have to deal with some creepy aggressive guy.

- Why won't these bitches buy from me?

- I really love buying from you.

Like truly. - Thank you!

Hi! - I don't even normally

buy drugs, but you like, make it so fun.

- Oh, thank you!

I'm making so many new friends.

Woo! - Here you go!

(deep inhaling)

(thudding)

(scratching)

♪ Can't take my flow ♪

(muffled talking)

♪ Can't take my flow ♪ - Shit.

Screamin' Eddie, we got a problem.

(eerie music)

(door thudding)

(chair scratching)

- Have you tried meditation?

You seem very stressed out.

- Yeah, but that's not gonna help, boss.

- No.

(light music) (deep breathing)

- I always thought it was strange

that his name was Screamin' Eddie when he's so soft spoken.

- Yeah, it's an ironic nickname.

- [Carlo] Yeah, but it's not ironic because underneath

that pleasant exterior lies a real sociopath, you know?

He screams with actions.

- [Donny] So, it's an ironic ironic nickname.

- One more. - So it's not ironic at all?

Wait. - Wow!

- Gentlemen, no side conversations, please.

- Yeah, that was him.

- Okay Joey, let's get to it.

- Well, I was at my usual spot last night,

only something's a little different

'cause nobody's buying, at least not from me.

- Another dealer on our turf.

Could it have been the Romanos?

- That's what I thought.

Then I saw a bunch of powder princesses

coming out of the ladies room so I peeked in.

There's a woman dealing in there.

- (coughs) A lady dealer?

No shit.

- Language, Carlo.

- Sorry.

- I don't know no woman working for the Romanos.

I think it's somebody else.

Somebody new.

- Well, Joey, did you confront her?

- No, I'm a guy, I can't go in the ladies room,

that aint right.

- Yeah, boss, he can't just go into

the ladies room. - They got couches in there?

- Did you at least get a good look at her?

- It was quick, so I don't remember much,

but she appeared to be in her 20s,

tallish, very Slavic looking.

Really long features but on a tiny tiny head.

Kinda like a praying mantis woman.

Blonde hair about up to here.

It seemed like maybe she had lupus

or some other autoimmune disease.

- Oh, my sister's got lupus,

she gotta be careful in the sun.

- I'll never forget her voice.

The most bizarre accent I've ever heard.

American, for sure, but all proper

like Frasier or like a 1930s movie star

and way too much diction like she's speaking

to someone who's hard of hearing.

- Sounds awful.

- If I had to guess, I bet she's

pretty neurotic and paranoid.

Probably suffers from insomnia.

- Joey, I want to thank you

for bringing this to my attention.

Now I'd like you to go and find her.

- I'll do it!

- Why such enthusiasm, Samson?

- I just hate when people steppin' on our turf,

you know what I mean?

(Eddie chuckles)

- Wonderful.

Well why don't you all go and look for her

and please, don't stop until you find her.

I would like you to bring me her head.

And her arms.

And her toes.

And the rest of her body.

They should all be attached, was that unclear?

(everyone chuckles)

I do want her alive.

(upbeat music) - I'm so alive

and I'm ready to get working!

I am gonna go the extra mile,

I am gonna grease my little elbows.

I'm gonna grind my nose stump.

- Is that a coke thing?

Are you back on coke already?

- Shut up, I told you I was getting rid of it yesterday.

- Katie, have you finished that rewrite

on the Splish Soda sketch?

The last thing I saw just Splish Splish bish

and then Katie flosses for two minutes.

That's not a sketch.

- Um, so I was really busy yesterday and I didn't do it

but I'm gonna work on it today.

- Katie, I don't have time for your excuses, okay?

Can you get it to me by Thursday?

- Yeah. - We could always

film my sketch.

Little Shop of Ass Eaters.

- No, guys, okay, we talked about this.

No more sex, no more swearing, no more drug stuff, okay?

- Come on, Trapp.

Paint me green and give me that booty.

- Stop saying that to me.

- Anyway, I will get you that rewrite no matter what.

- Stop talking about doing it and just do it!

- You got it boss, I am going to sit down

and I'm going to write.

Nothing will make me leave.

(smacking)

- Katie. (gasps)

- You have to leave now. - What?

I can't leave, my boss will kill me.

- Okay, will he actually kill you?

Because my boss will definitely kill you.

- What are you talking about?

And why haven't you accepted my Facebook friend request yet?

- I didn't get it.

- Really, that's weird because it says

it's pending on my side.

- Okay, look, did you deal drugs last night?

- No, of course not, I was just selling

my supply to make my money back.

- God, Katie, that's drug dealing.

(chuckles)

- No, it's not.

I would know if I were drug dealing, okay?

Drug dealers sell drugs to make money.

I was selling my drugs for money.

Shit!

- You are in big trouble.

Dangerous men are looking for you

so we need to get outta here now

before somebody else finds you.

What's going on?

Why are you smiling?

- We're friends.

It sounds like a friend thing. - Oh, no no no no

no no no no, we're not friends.

This is not a friendship thing.

This is a I-don't-want-your-death-on-my-conscience thing.

- That's a thing about friends.

They don't want each other to die.

- Katie! - Well, fine,

I'm coming, I'm coming.

- Katie, I'm sorry I snapped at you,

it's just things aren't really

going well right now and she's gone.

Great.

- Well, I'm here if you wanna talk,

if you wanna get lunch, get a drink.

(Trapp sighs)

Oh, paint me green and give me that booty.

- Hey, I gave you a nickname.

Samwich. - Don't give me

a fucking nickname, okay?

- Okay. - Just say what I told

you to say and nothing else.

- Who's this?

- Hi I'm Katie M-- - Shut up, shut up!

Uh, she's with me.

Screamin' Eddie wanted to see her.

(tense music)

- Samson, what a pleasant surprise.

- I found her.

- Joey, can you confirm?

- Yeah, that's her all right.

- You found her quick.

- Yeah, um, Joey's description of her

was very accurate actually.

- [Eddie] Hmm.

- Turns out this whole thing

was just a big misunderstanding.

Right, Katie?

- Yes, I'm so sorry Mr. Screamin',

I did not mean to step on your turf, it's just,

I was trying to get rid of some cocaine

that I no longer needed.

- She didn't even know what she was doing.

Like totally clueless.

- (chuckles) I had some understanding,

I'm not a total idiot.

- Okay, shut up, Katie.

The point is, clearly this person is no drug dealer.

Just look at her.

- What does that mean?

- Who would she pose a threat to?

No one, no one, no one would consider this person a threat.

Especially not a big

drug dealer like you. - Oh my God.

Excuse me, I did sell like $5.000 worth

of cocaine in one hour, so.

- Which was a mistake like you said earlier.

I mean, she couldn't do again, she wouldn't know how.

Right, Katie?

- No.

- What do you mean no?

- Do you think you're a better drug dealer than I am?

- What are you doing?

- Because you are not.

You're always late, you're so rude to me,

you never wanna hang out.

I have people texting me left

and right wanting more drugs. - Katie, shut up.

- I am 10 times the drug dealer you are.

Don't tell me to shut-- (dramatic music)

(gun banging)

(casings clanking)

(blood splattering)

(body thudding) (dramatic electro music)

(Eddie sighs)

- Say no more, Katie.

You're hired.

(Katie gasps)

(dramatic electro music)