Original subtitles

� ♪♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪♪

Cale... � Jann.

(theme music)

� For God sakes, does it have to be a jumpsuit?!

It's gonna take 12 grown men to get me out of this thing.

Or one very...

hot woman. What if I have to pee?

Is it too late to cut a little flap into this thing?

� Forget the flap. Wearing a jumpsuit instead

of a gown is a power move. � I don't even know why

it matters. It's a lame award. � The Silver Tunie is nothing

to be ashamed of. � It's for an album that still

gets airplay after 25 years. It screams "has been!"

� It also screams "not going anywhere."

Besides, any award is an excuse to be seen and get press.

You should be happy. � And yet.

� And yet. � (Charley): Hi!

� Hey, Charley. What are you doing here?

� Cale hired me to do your social tonight,

so I will live�tweet and... Insta for you.

� Oh, OK. I have been a little gun shy about

my social media lately, ever since the hyperhidrosis fiasco.

Oh, my God! What kind of sick people am I helping?

It makes me sweat just thinking about it.

� Charley's got an eye for this stuff. It'll be good.

� What, are you guys pals now?

Are your periods all synced up? � Well, we've been hanging out.

� We've discovered some similar interests.

(indistinct chatter)

� Charley's got a dress on. I bet you

she can urinate unrestricted. � Ew.

� I think peeing is a power move. Do you

feel powerful, Charley? � I guess.

� You're wearing the jumpsuit. � OK, fine.

Everybody's still coming, right? � Yep.

Mom, Dave and Gram were all getting ready when I left.

� Great. Great. Great. � What about on�again,

off�again? � You mean Cynthia? Yes.

She's coming. I'm having the car pick her up first. She's gonna

sit with everybody. � Your date is sitting

with your family? � It's a work thing. I'm not

even gonna be in my seat! � OK.

� What is that look? Cynthia and I are fine. We've never

been better. We are so romantic. Put that in your bong

and bong it. � Look, I truly don't care.

� In fact, I am taking Cynthia on a hot air balloon ride

this weekend. What is more romantic

than hot balls filled with gas?!

� Wow. OK. This tension sucks.

You two need to work this out.

� First, we get through the Tunies.

Then, you and I need to have a serious talk.

� Oh, we're gonna have a serious talk.

We're gonna have a serious talk.

Set reminder: have very serious talk with Cale.

(phone beeps)

(upbeat music)

Hey Kiesza, those are my Flowga Pants!

� Jann Arden! � Hey. Hi.

� So, you're receiving the Silver Tunie.

How do you feel? � Well, I don't feel outdated if

that's what you're getting at. � Ooh!

The Reklaws! � I'll just wait here.

� Congratulations on being nominated

for Country Album of the Year!

� We're so excited. It's a real honour to be nominated.

� Country's really on the rise again,

wouldn't you say? � I wouldn't say that.

� What's the best thing about being here tonight?

� Getting to do it all with my big sister.

(scoffs) � Yeah.

� Thank you so much. � Thank you.

� There's no way those two are brother and sister.

That intense chemistry? Nuh�uh. I don't buy it.

They do kind of share the same face, though.

(indistinct chatter)

What do you think? � OK. Let's go.

Let's get you in. This is Jann Arden.

� Hi. � Any questions for her?

� And who are you wearing tonight?

� Uh, this fresh power move is, uh, Nadine de Waal.

� Oh! Like Madeline Merlo?

� Excu...

Do I have my jumpsuit on backwards?!

� Looks like it. Yeah.

� And you didn't notice? � Don't worry about it!

You look good. � My eyes are up here, Cale!

� I'll get you a pin.

� Oh, my God. I'm gonna need a zipper.

Ahem. Oh. Hey, Madeline. � Jann, hi! We're twins.

� Oh, we sure are. � I love your take on it.

� Thank you. I'm a trailblazer.

� There must be a lot of body tape holding that thing up.

� Yeah. There are two rolls, actually.

And, uh, the sweat is... is eating away at the adhesive.

I've got a flap in mine. It's for peeing.

'Cause I pee quite a bit, so.

� We should get a photo together.

� Should we? � Yeah.

� We should? Thanks. Don't even think about it, Charley!

� It's a real Who Wore It Better!

� Madeline... by a landslide.

� Mm�hmm.

� (David): You girls excited

to see Auntie J receive an award on TV?

� Yeah! � I wanna be on TV.

� Yeah, well, write some hit songs. Then, wait 25 years

for everyone to remember how much they loved them and...

Bob's your uncle. � I thought we had no uncles

because Auntie J likes to keep her options open.

� She said that, huh?

Wow. � You should see the leak�proof

nipple guards under here. � Go on.

� Mm�hmm. One carrot for every five pretzels.

(doorbell rings)

� Look, it's Auntie J! � But it was just my bra

stuck in the pant leg of my jeans!

� Hey, Cynthia. You look wonderful!

� Thanks! The car's waiting. Is everyone ready?

� We look a lot alike. Uncanny, really. It's really uncanny.

� Uh, well, families don't move that fast.

Max and I are good to go. Nora's still getting ready.

The babysitter's not here yet. � Oh, cool. Well, I told Jann

I would be there to see her get her award,

so is there anything I can do to hurry things up?

� Oh, don't worry. The red carpet takes forever.

We'll be there for the show. � Ready!

� Oh, Nora! You look lovely! � Oh!

� And you smell like cotton candy! � Oh, that's my bubble bath.

� It's my bubble bath! � Someone hasn't learned

to share. � OK. Let's go!

� The babysitter's not here yet. � She is 10 minutes out.

� Do we have to wait for her?

I mean, can't the kids just be left alone for 10 minutes?

� Uh, well, you'd think so. But as soon as you leave

the room, they just sense the lack of adult energy.

And then, they're just suddenly running with knives.

� Yeah, into the fire they just started.

� Yeah. (sighs)

(upbeat music)

� Excuse me. Sorry, guys. � Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 63rd

annual Tunie Awards. � I like your pants.

� Please find your seat as the show will begin shortly.

Reserved seating is for nominees

and their guests only. If you have...

� Fantastic.

They should charge less for obstructed views.

� You didn't pay a dime to be here.

� It's the principle, Cale. � Another thing

we're adding to the serious talk: your complaining.

� Ahem! � Hey, Jann!

Hey, you look beautiful. � Thank you.

� Way to show Madeline Merlo who wore it better.

� Todd, you've always been so supportive.

It was me, right? � Of course... it was you!

Remember our first Tunies? � Oh, my God. We were so green!

� Yeah, but the shrimp was bad.

� Ladies and gentlemen, once again, please take

your seats as the show will begin shortly.

(cheering and applause)

(upbeat music plays)

� Our next performance

is one of Tunie's Breakout Artists of the Year.

Give it up for Nia Taylor!

(cheering)

� ♪♪ Take your coat and shoes off ♪

� Is this

the new song you wrote? � Yes.

� ♪ Four billion people surround us ♪

� You gave it to Todd? � Yes, I did.

� Put it on the list.

� ♪ So many souls lose their way ♪

♪ All that we have is ♪

♪ Each other ♪

♪ And that's all I've ♪

♪ Ever wanted, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪ � Sweet Jesus in a jam jar.

(cheering and applause)

I don't see your mom. Do you know if they made it?

� Holy crap! A photo I posted is trending!

� Let me see. You have really captured her humanity,

you traitor! I thought you were supposed

to be taking pictures of me. � OK. I'll find a good place

to take pictures of you from. � No low angles.

No high angles!

NO ANGLES! � Oh, my God.

� ...but let's take a moment

to think about them. � Oh, great.

So I'm on after the dead people parade?

(sentimental music plays)

Is she interpretive dancing the causes of death?

♪♪♪

� Heart attack. (gasps)

� Alcohol poisoning. That's why I don't do that anymore.

(audience murmuring)

� Death by squirrel?

� Nut cancer.

� It's strange. I mean, I texted the sitter.

She's usually on time. � Oh, my God. We're gonna miss the whole thing!

(phone chimes) � Oh. That's not good.

� What is it, Jann? Is she pissed?

� Don't freak out, but the sitter's been in an accident.

Apparently, she's been hit by a rickshaw.

� I believe those are called foot taxis.

� So how much longer is she gonna be?

� Well, she's in the hospital getting her arm in a cast

and being monitored for a possible concussion.

� So like, 10 minutes? � Uh, Cyn, she's not coming.

� Oh, God! I knew I should have left without you all!

� Hey! � I'll stay. You guys go.

� No, I'll stay. � She's your sister.

� I know, but you never get to go out.

� I don't give a flying�� � Kids!

�...F who stays, but I'm going. (Max sighs)

(crackling) (screaming)

(dripping)

� The TV's haunted! (screaming)

� (Max): What's going on?! � (David): What the hell?!

� Oh, my God! (girls screaming indistinctly)

� Run, Sammy! Run! It's gonna get us!

� (David): Bathroom's flooded. The tub overflowed.

� Oh...

� Mom, is that your bath?

� No. I didn't have a bath today.

� You did, Mom. I heard you fill it up. � I didn't!

� Did you turn the tap off or did you forget?

� Whenever anything goes wrong, you blame me!

� Mom, I can't watch you every minute of the day!

� Oh... (Max sighs)

(sentimental music plays)

� Can we just talk about how you didn't trust me to do

that original song and then Nia goes out there and sings it

and everybody loves it and that could've been me?

� Nia is young, fresh and beautiful.

She could've sung a vacuum cleaner manual

and people would've loved it. Youth is a major factor

in this industry and the fact that you don't acknowledge

that is becoming a real problem! � Well, if you think

young people are so easy to manage, why in the hell

would you wanna represent a 40�year�old woman like myself?

� I saw the opportunity to build something big

that would last: your legacy.

Your comeback was an incredible challenge, but I didn't realize

what a challenge it would be just to get you to listen!

(laughing) (applause)

� Did I die?

Am I in Hell?! � Jann, you're alive

and well and being celebrated.

Your award's up next.

� Right. Right. Right. � OK.

� It's my pleasure to present

the Silver Tunie Award to Jann Arden.

Her album Living Under June remains a favourite of mine,

and I know I'm not alone. Please, give it up

for Jann Arden! (cheering and applause)

� My speech. My speech.

My speech came out of my flap! I don't have my speech!

♪♪ Hey, why am I single? ♪

(electronic dance music plays)

� You're gonna have to wing it. But Jann...

don't be yourself.

� ♪ I've got a wiener in my thermos ♪

♪ I'm having another hot flash ♪

♪ I've got a wiener in my thermos ♪

♪ I'm a hot mess, I'm a hot mess ♪

♪ I'm a hot mess ♪♪

Thank you so much.

I'm, uh...

I'm kind of overwhelmed. I'm very grateful to be here.

I had a speech, and I...

I don't know what I did with it. (audience laughing)

Uh, yeah, my career.

I have had some low points.

Some of them are very high in the search results

if you Google my name. Yeah. (audience laughing)

Um, but I've had some wonderful times.

I've had some� some high points too

and this record is certainly one of them.

Uh... I owe much of my success

to my manager...

my former manager,

Todd Granger, who has been

my... cheerleader.

He has been my coach.

And he is...

someone who has always, always had my back.

Thank you very much for this. Thank you.

(cheering and applause)

(electronic dance music plays)

CALE! You have never

supported me! And I'm not talking about my ta�ta tape.

I'm talking about you.

You have never understood me.

And you�you never even know what I need.

And you're fired.

� Jann... you're gonna die alone.

(sighs)

(receding footsteps)

� (woman): Congratulations, Nia! (indistinct chatter)

Hey! Over here! � (man): Well done!

� Todd! Todd!

� Jann, hey! Great speech. � Thank you.

� Thank you for giving me that beautiful shout�out!

� I'm here to give you something else...

your job back! � What?

� I fired Cale so you can be my manager again.

� Jann... I can't. � What?

� I miss you. And I'm proud of you.

But I can't be your manager

right now. I'm so busy with Nia.

I'm a one client kind of guy.

� Todd.

� Bye, Jann.

� (woman): Jann! Come here! � I gotta pee.

� I feel bad. I didn't mean to get so mad at her.

� I know. � Ugh.

The baby was up there. I mean, what if next time,

she just... forgets to unplug the iron or...

I'd actually let myself forget she was sick.

I'm so mad at myself.

� I'm sorry, babe.

� I don't think that I feel comfortable

having Mom home alone with the kids anymore.

Is that bad? Am I just like,

a terrible person? � No, no, no, no.

Look... our number one job

in this world is to protect those kids.

So that's exactly what we're gonna do, OK?

� Mm.

� Thanks, everybody, for showing up!

Where were you ding�dongs?

(sighs heavily)

What happened?

� Nora left the tap on, flooded the upstairs.

� Was it bad? � It was bad.

The girls were really upset.

� I'll go check on them. � Thank you, Charley.

� We're gonna figure this out.

(sighs) � Oh. Hey, Mom!

� Hi, sweetheart! Oh, I'm sorry we missed your award.

Oh, it hasn't been a great day.

� It's OK.

Just come and sit with me.

� I don't remember doing it but Max said I did,

so... (Nora sighs)

...I guess it must have been me.

(sighs)

� OK, Mom. I think

you should move back into the cottage with me.

What do you think of that? � Depends.

You gonna blame me for everything that goes wrong?

� Probably. I promise I'll try not to.

OK? � OK.

� OK.

(sighs) � I'll go

wherever you girls want me to go.

� Oh...

Oh. � You know, Mom,

we're all kind of lost in this.

We're doing the best we can. � I know.

� The girls are asleep.

� What's that? � Oh, it's just my screensaver.

It's a slideshow of a bunch of my pictures.

� (David): Huh. � You took those?

I had no idea you had become such a photographer.

� I literally take pictures all the time.

� No, I know, but I thought it was more

sort of navel�gazing selfie like�bait crap.

� OK, that's fair.

� Oh, no. Charley, you're very talented.

� OK, your level of enthusiasm for this is

creeping me out right now. � Oh.

(David chuckling) � (Max): Oh, wow.

� ♪♪ When I am old ♪

♪ I'll think of all the hearts ♪

♪ I broke to be here ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ When I am gray ♪

♪ And somewhat vague and too confused ♪

♪ I know I'll still remember you ♪

♪ The very most ♪

♪ And all the days ♪

♪ Will wrap around our fingers ♪

♪ They'll disappear ♪

♪ Oh, they disappear ♪♪

♪♪♪

(upbeat music) � ♪♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪♪

� Isn't this romantic?

� Very. � This is really fun.

I've always wanted to do this.

(wind gusting)

� Listen...

I'd kneel, but it's so damn small in here,

and my knees are kind of jimmied.

Cynthia Bowen, will you marry me?

� What are you doing?!

We've only been together again for a couple of months!

And we've been in therapy that whole time!

And even then, we've had our tough moments.

� And? � Why are you doing this?

� Because I don't wanna die alone!

� That is a terrible reason to propose.

� I thought that was the main reason people did this.

� She's not wrong.

� Is that a yes? � This is insane.

� I didn't hear no.

� I think it's a no. � You don't even know her, Gord!

� It's a no. � Oh.

How long is this ride?

� That's not up to me. It's up to the wind.

� Perfect. � Could be an hour.

� Fine. � Could be four or five.

� I GET IT, GORD!

I get it.

Just livin' my best life.

So are you single, Gord?

� I go lighter. Like, I left there one day and I thought,

oh, my God, I don't even have nipples. They went way

too light. � I didn't know they did that.

� They do. Oh, God, you can get them lighter or darker.

You wait 'til you get older, Madeline Merlo.

Does anyone ever call you Chardonnay?

Ahem. I heard that, Jenna.

And I've slept with your brother!

More than once!

♪♪ I am cool and I'm wise ♪

♪ And I'm larger than your life ♪

♪ I am bigger than the sun ♪

♪ Watch me running to the end of all time, I'll be fine ♪

♪ Watch me breaking through the finish line ♪

♪ Finish line ♪

♪ I am an army ♪

♪ I don't do what I'm told ♪♪

Closed Captioning by SETTE inc.

(bat strikes baseball) (crowd cheers)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0