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1
00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:09,796
- Yo, you ready?
- Yeah, let's do this shit.
2
00:00:09,834 --> 00:00:10,734
Hit me up.
3
00:00:16,954 --> 00:00:19,822
? No amount of alcohol... ?
4
00:00:19,861 --> 00:00:21,862
? Ducks, sex with ducks... ?
5
00:00:23,739 --> 00:00:25,574
? Please don't let it show... ?
6
00:00:27,082 --> 00:00:28,715
? Pregnant women are... ?
7
00:00:30,690 --> 00:00:32,425
? That's how the story goes... ?
8
00:00:32,462 --> 00:00:34,463
? Resist the urge
to lose my vaginal... ?
9
00:00:39,381 --> 00:00:41,048
? You... ?
10
00:00:41,085 --> 00:00:42,353
Happy bandaversary!
11
00:00:42,389 --> 00:00:43,822
Here's to five years
of Garfunkel & Oates.
12
00:00:43,859 --> 00:00:44,992
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm!
13
00:00:45,029 --> 00:00:46,496
Present time?
14
00:00:46,534 --> 00:00:48,668
Let's do it.
Got you something.
15
00:00:48,706 --> 00:00:49,873
- I got you something.
- Oh!
16
00:00:49,909 --> 00:00:51,342
Thank you.
17
00:00:51,379 --> 00:00:52,379
Oh, puppets.
18
00:00:52,415 --> 00:00:53,615
For my fingers?
19
00:00:53,652 --> 00:00:54,952
Yeah.
20
00:00:54,989 --> 00:00:57,557
This is a purse
with a water spout.
21
00:00:57,596 --> 00:00:58,429
A wine spout.
22
00:00:58,464 --> 00:00:59,965
- A wine spout.
- Oh!
23
00:01:00,003 --> 00:01:01,570
Thank you so, so much.
24
00:01:01,607 --> 00:01:03,374
Thank you.
This is great!
25
00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:06,317
Thank you! Thank you!
26
00:01:06,353 --> 00:01:07,954
You know me so well.
27
00:01:07,991 --> 00:01:09,658
Yeah, I didn't even know they
made these until I saw them.
28
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:12,196
- Oh, the best day of my life.
- Oh, that's cool.
29
00:01:12,235 --> 00:01:15,104
So, what are we going to do
to celebrate?
30
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:17,911
Um, well, last year we went to
the Long Beach blimp.
31
00:01:17,951 --> 00:01:19,484
The year before that
was murder boat.
32
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,055
Right. Okay.
33
00:01:21,092 --> 00:01:22,492
- Oh, I know.
- What?
34
00:01:22,528 --> 00:01:23,929
Why were those two things
so fun?
35
00:01:23,967 --> 00:01:25,634
Were they fun?
I don't really even remember.
36
00:01:25,671 --> 00:01:27,438
They were because we were high.
37
00:01:27,476 --> 00:01:29,043
We should get our weed cards!
38
00:01:29,081 --> 00:01:30,281
That way, no matter what we do,
39
00:01:30,317 --> 00:01:32,050
it'll be fun
and it will be legal.
40
00:01:32,088 --> 00:01:34,156
I like it.
But isn't it hard to get one of those?
41
00:01:34,193 --> 00:01:35,827
No.
Vivian got hers for paranoia
42
00:01:35,864 --> 00:01:37,231
because she said
43
00:01:37,268 --> 00:01:38,334
she was paranoid to get caught
with weed.
44
00:01:38,370 --> 00:01:39,304
She is so next level.
45
00:01:40,510 --> 00:01:41,844
Oh, whoa.
There's the paparazzi.
46
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:43,281
I wonder who they're following.
47
00:01:43,318 --> 00:01:45,019
Cornish! Cornish!
48
00:01:45,056 --> 00:01:46,824
- Oh, I kind of hope it's...
- I don't know who that is.
49
00:01:46,847 --> 00:01:49,653
- Oh my God.
- Oh no. Hide.
50
00:01:49,682 --> 00:01:51,713
Cornish! Cornish!
51
00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:54,241
Well, if it isn't
Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Bitch.
52
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,582
Celebrating our bandaversary
again without me?
53
00:02:03,839 --> 00:02:07,008
? You, yeah, you,
you're really cool. ?
54
00:02:07,047 --> 00:02:08,681
? You can be anything
you wanna be. ?
55
00:02:08,718 --> 00:02:11,520
? Time to fly,
I'm talking to you. ?
56
00:02:11,559 --> 00:02:13,261
? No hablo espa�ol. ?
57
00:02:13,298 --> 00:02:15,532
? Let's see you move forward,
stand your ground. ?
58
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:17,571
? Hang in there
while you're doing it ?
59
00:02:17,609 --> 00:02:20,243
? and sail away into the sunset,
baby. ?
60
00:02:20,283 --> 00:02:23,218
? Dream your dreams
into the sky. ?
61
00:02:23,257 --> 00:02:25,826
? Oh, yeah, you really got it,
yeah, now you really got it. ?
62
00:02:25,864 --> 00:02:27,465
? Yeah, hey,
you really got it, yeah. ?
63
00:02:27,502 --> 00:02:29,236
? Don't stop being cool. ?
64
00:02:30,008 --> 00:02:32,977
- Hey, Cornish, how are you?
- Hey, how's it going?
65
00:02:33,017 --> 00:02:34,318
Don't look so surprised.
66
00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:35,955
Every year I wait
for my invitation,
67
00:02:35,992 --> 00:02:39,361
and every year,
bandaversary finds me sitting alone
68
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:40,900
in Beverly Hills
or Martha's Vineyard
69
00:02:40,938 --> 00:02:42,372
or the ranch in Carmel.
70
00:02:42,409 --> 00:02:43,542
Do you have any idea
what that feels like?
71
00:02:43,579 --> 00:02:44,946
No, it wasn't the ranch.
72
00:02:44,983 --> 00:02:46,149
I lent it to Balthazar Getty
last year.
73
00:02:46,186 --> 00:02:47,619
It was the villa in Santorini.
74
00:02:47,656 --> 00:02:50,196
- Do you even know what that feels like?
- No.
75
00:02:50,216 --> 00:02:52,705
Let me tell you something.
This year is different.
76
00:02:52,732 --> 00:02:55,233
'Cause it's the Chinese
year of the Horse.
77
00:02:55,272 --> 00:02:56,873
Do you know what that means?
78
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:59,110
The paper place mat
at the dumpling house
79
00:02:59,149 --> 00:03:00,349
was not clear on that.
80
00:03:00,385 --> 00:03:02,020
My spiritual advisor told me
81
00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:04,625
that this is the year
where all my wishes come true.
82
00:03:04,665 --> 00:03:07,266
And my wish is
to make you guys suffer
83
00:03:07,304 --> 00:03:09,305
for kicking me out of the band.
84
00:03:09,343 --> 00:03:10,911
Look, Cornish,
we've apologized like a million times.
85
00:03:10,948 --> 00:03:12,313
I don't know what else to say.
86
00:03:12,350 --> 00:03:14,452
Why don't you just admit
that you ruined my life?
87
00:03:14,489 --> 00:03:16,591
Okay.
We did not ruin your life.
88
00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:18,496
You're, like, a movie star.
89
00:03:18,533 --> 00:03:20,101
Yeah, and you're so beautiful,
90
00:03:20,138 --> 00:03:21,538
and you're a millionaire
probably.
91
00:03:21,575 --> 00:03:23,977
- Probably? Adorable.
- And didn't you win an Oscar?
92
00:03:24,016 --> 00:03:25,984
It was a Golden Globe,
and it's still a huge honor.
93
00:03:26,021 --> 00:03:27,955
Okay.
And you have all your Africa stuff.
94
00:03:27,993 --> 00:03:29,493
- Haiti.
- That is still good!
95
00:03:29,530 --> 00:03:31,098
And you're on
all those magazine covers.
96
00:03:31,135 --> 00:03:33,837
But, like,
the nice magazines at the good supermarkets.
97
00:03:33,875 --> 00:03:35,142
It's all fine.
98
00:03:35,179 --> 00:03:36,846
It just drives home the fact
99
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:39,484
that I don't have the one thing
that I really care about.
100
00:03:39,523 --> 00:03:41,557
"Garfunkel & Oates
& Jazzy Jeff."
101
00:03:41,595 --> 00:03:44,965
It is just
"Garfunkel & Oates" now.
102
00:03:45,004 --> 00:03:47,438
Do you guys not hear
how weird that sounds?
103
00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:49,612
I'm sorry if we hurt
your feelings,
104
00:03:49,650 --> 00:03:51,284
but this is the way
it has to be.
105
00:03:51,321 --> 00:03:52,155
Fine.
106
00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:53,725
But, hey, guys, heads up.
107
00:03:53,761 --> 00:03:56,129
Rules of the game have changed,
okay?
108
00:03:56,168 --> 00:03:59,336
This is not the Cornish you
kicked to the curb years ago.
109
00:03:59,376 --> 00:04:00,910
I am going to make you wish
that you never...
110
00:04:00,947 --> 00:04:02,414
I got the pizza.
111
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,618
Bethany,
do not get all up in my jet stream
112
00:04:04,656 --> 00:04:05,757
while I'm monologuing.
113
00:04:05,793 --> 00:04:06,727
Just don't do it.
114
00:04:08,835 --> 00:04:10,802
Well, that moment has passed,
115
00:04:10,841 --> 00:04:13,342
but you catch my drift, okay?
116
00:04:13,380 --> 00:04:15,452
Watch your backs.
117
00:04:15,478 --> 00:04:19,414
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to the recording studio.
118
00:04:19,455 --> 00:04:21,490
I'm cutting an album, solo.
119
00:04:24,029 --> 00:04:27,531
You guys sound like crap
without a melodica player.
120
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:28,905
Hi.
We're Garfunkel & Oates...
121
00:04:28,942 --> 00:04:30,075
- & Jazzy Jeff.
- & Jazzy Jeff.
122
00:04:30,112 --> 00:04:31,846
And this song is called
"you, me...
123
00:04:31,883 --> 00:04:34,351
- "And Steve."
- And Steve."
124
00:04:34,390 --> 00:04:37,826
Melodica solo!
125
00:04:43,013 --> 00:04:45,013
No. Put it away.
I can't look at it.
126
00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:46,819
Really.
127
00:04:46,856 --> 00:04:48,056
She is so creepy.
128
00:04:48,093 --> 00:04:49,693
- I know. She scares me.
- Me too!
129
00:04:49,730 --> 00:04:51,165
Remember what happened
last time?
130
00:04:51,201 --> 00:04:53,302
Yeah, she got us banned
from The Tonight Show
131
00:04:53,340 --> 00:04:54,473
and our favorite Chili's.
132
00:04:54,510 --> 00:04:57,545
- I miss Chili's.
- Me too.
133
00:04:57,584 --> 00:04:59,252
I hope she doesn't get
all weird again.
134
00:04:59,290 --> 00:05:00,123
Mm-hmm.
135
00:05:00,159 --> 00:05:01,159
Okay. Y'all two.
136
00:05:01,195 --> 00:05:02,661
We're ready for you over here
137
00:05:02,699 --> 00:05:04,800
if you want to join me
at the medicine desk.
138
00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:07,105
Here you go.
Here's your paperwork.
139
00:05:07,144 --> 00:05:08,211
Here you go, young man.
140
00:05:08,246 --> 00:05:09,647
That's y'all's paperwork.
141
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,385
It's got a list
of medical afflictions.
142
00:05:11,422 --> 00:05:13,423
You just circle any one
that "applies" to you all.
143
00:05:13,461 --> 00:05:14,927
We'll take it from there.
144
00:05:14,965 --> 00:05:17,032
Why did you say "apply"
in quotation marks?
145
00:05:17,071 --> 00:05:18,972
Legally,
I'm not allowed to say.
146
00:05:19,009 --> 00:05:20,943
What I can tell you...
My name.
147
00:05:20,981 --> 00:05:22,749
My name is Nurse Durst.
148
00:05:22,786 --> 00:05:25,653
Not registered,
but I can answer any questions you might have
149
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,227
except for the one
about the quotation marks.
150
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:31,035
Um... How do you know if you have
restless leg syndrome?
151
00:05:31,073 --> 00:05:33,174
If you're at the club and there's,
like, a really hot beat going
152
00:05:33,213 --> 00:05:36,081
and then you just like...
? Ra tum ta you know? ?
153
00:05:36,121 --> 00:05:37,422
Then you definitely got it.
154
00:05:37,458 --> 00:05:39,058
That one's actually
not an illness.
155
00:05:39,095 --> 00:05:40,530
That's more of
like a party thing.
156
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:41,767
I don't have that.
157
00:05:41,804 --> 00:05:43,337
You look great to me, honestly.
158
00:05:43,373 --> 00:05:44,673
I don't see it in you.
159
00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:46,177
- 'Cause you look good.
- Oh, thank you.
160
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:47,180
- How do you know...
- For a white girl.
161
00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:49,485
What's Graves' disease?
162
00:05:49,523 --> 00:05:51,324
Oh, that's what you get
if you're a grave robber
163
00:05:51,361 --> 00:05:52,829
and you go in
and you take the body
164
00:05:52,866 --> 00:05:55,000
for some sort of nefarious
scientific purpose
165
00:05:55,037 --> 00:05:56,572
and then you find out that you
have some sort of fungal infection
166
00:05:56,609 --> 00:05:57,676
on your fingers.
167
00:05:57,712 --> 00:06:00,080
Ooh!
I have so many of these.
168
00:06:03,461 --> 00:06:05,595
? Everyone knows
marijuana's dangerous, ?
169
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,533
? and medical pot
is really strong. ?
170
00:06:07,571 --> 00:06:09,438
? That's why it's so hard
in California ?
171
00:06:09,476 --> 00:06:12,812
? to get your weed card unless
something's really wrong. ?
172
00:06:15,024 --> 00:06:16,691
? Gonna pay a visit
to my doctor. ?
173
00:06:16,729 --> 00:06:18,663
? It's a long shot,
but I've gotta try. ?
174
00:06:18,701 --> 00:06:22,103
? She hands me a list of all the
ailments I can have to qualify. ?
175
00:06:22,144 --> 00:06:24,311
? Can't believe
what I am reading. ?
176
00:06:24,349 --> 00:06:26,083
? This is just what
I've been needing. ?
177
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,589
? A government supply
to get legally high. ?
178
00:06:29,629 --> 00:06:32,398
? Weed card, it's what I need. ?
179
00:06:32,438 --> 00:06:35,173
? Hardly ever, okay, always. ?
180
00:06:35,212 --> 00:06:36,879
? But it's not an addiction, ?
181
00:06:36,916 --> 00:06:39,885
? 'cause my doctor gave me
a prescription. ?
182
00:06:42,966 --> 00:06:44,800
? You can get your card
for having headaches, ?
183
00:06:44,837 --> 00:06:46,204
? bad dreams or anxiety. ?
184
00:06:46,241 --> 00:06:47,741
? Propensity
for drugs or alcohol. ?
185
00:06:47,777 --> 00:06:49,979
? Anorexia or obesity, ?
186
00:06:50,017 --> 00:06:51,585
? Too fat, too thin. ?
187
00:06:51,622 --> 00:06:53,689
? Either way you win. ?
188
00:06:53,727 --> 00:06:55,761
? Carpal tunnel syndrome,
color blindness, ?
189
00:06:55,799 --> 00:06:57,501
? st-st-stuttering,
t-t-tooth decay. ?
190
00:06:57,538 --> 00:06:59,439
? Fatigue, depression,
motion sickness, ?
191
00:06:59,476 --> 00:07:00,943
? impotence or TMJ. ?
192
00:07:00,980 --> 00:07:02,881
? You can smoke
to quit cigarettes, ?
193
00:07:02,918 --> 00:07:04,886
? for asthma
or your Tourette's. ?
194
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,125
? It's a dream come true. ?
195
00:07:06,162 --> 00:07:08,495
? There's nothing pot can't do. ?
196
00:07:08,534 --> 00:07:11,469
? Weed card, it's what I need. ?
197
00:07:11,508 --> 00:07:13,777
? Hardly ever, okay, always. ?
198
00:07:13,815 --> 00:07:15,615
? But it's not an addiction, ?
199
00:07:15,653 --> 00:07:18,521
? 'cause my doctor gave me
a prescription. ?
200
00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:21,800
? Break it down now. ?
201
00:07:21,836 --> 00:07:23,336
? Got back pain,
need Mary Jane. ?
202
00:07:23,373 --> 00:07:25,175
? Can't handle this,
need cannabis. ?
203
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:26,912
? Got a stomachache,
gotta wake and bake. ?
204
00:07:26,949 --> 00:07:28,783
? Have an injury, need THC. ?
205
00:07:28,821 --> 00:07:30,822
? Get messed up
for your hyperhydrosis, ?
206
00:07:30,860 --> 00:07:34,597
? which is sweaty palms
in case you need a diagnosis. ?
207
00:07:34,637 --> 00:07:38,373
? It's not a crime,
it's 4-20 time. ?
208
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:41,350
? Weed card, it's what I need. ?
209
00:07:41,389 --> 00:07:43,724
? Hardly ever, okay, always. ?
210
00:07:43,762 --> 00:07:45,862
? But it's not an addiction,
211
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:52,772
? 'cause my doctor gave me
a prescription. ?
212
00:07:52,818 --> 00:07:54,452
Hello, family. Focus up.
213
00:07:54,490 --> 00:07:57,492
I know this is a stressful time
in your medical history.
214
00:07:57,531 --> 00:07:59,198
Is anyone in the waiting room
215
00:07:59,235 --> 00:08:01,370
currently driving
an Audi A3 2014?
216
00:08:01,409 --> 00:08:03,643
Very nice vehicle.
All-wheel drive.
217
00:08:03,682 --> 00:08:04,782
I do.
218
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,418
You did.
219
00:08:06,454 --> 00:08:08,555
I'm so sorry for your loss,
but it's gone.
220
00:08:08,593 --> 00:08:09,694
The tow truck has it now.
221
00:08:09,730 --> 00:08:10,596
What?
222
00:08:10,633 --> 00:08:11,867
Sorry.
223
00:08:11,903 --> 00:08:13,904
But once you get
some of our product,
224
00:08:13,942 --> 00:08:16,576
you don't need wheels
'cause you're gonna fly, girl.
225
00:08:18,654 --> 00:08:20,822
"Enjoy your bus ride home.
226
00:08:20,861 --> 00:08:22,228
yearofthehorse"
227
00:08:22,264 --> 00:08:23,397
No!
228
00:08:23,433 --> 00:08:26,502
"Sent to you
from inside a Chili's."
229
00:08:26,542 --> 00:08:27,509
Man!
230
00:08:28,279 --> 00:08:32,321
Okay, before we begin
I have a question for you both.
231
00:08:32,362 --> 00:08:34,463
Do you like my hair like this?
232
00:08:34,501 --> 00:08:36,001
I've asked
some girlfriends of mine,
233
00:08:36,038 --> 00:08:37,472
but I think they have
some jealousy issues
234
00:08:37,509 --> 00:08:38,942
and I can't really trust
what they have to say.
235
00:08:38,979 --> 00:08:40,680
I mean,
am I the sexy weed doctor
236
00:08:40,717 --> 00:08:43,052
with mahogany hair
that comes down to my nipples?
237
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,758
Or am I the sexy weed doctor
238
00:08:44,795 --> 00:08:46,663
that has mahogany hair
that comes down to my clavicle?
239
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,433
These things can make
all the difference.
240
00:08:48,471 --> 00:08:50,338
Well, I like your hair.
241
00:08:50,376 --> 00:08:52,377
I like it clavicle length.
242
00:08:52,415 --> 00:08:54,283
Thank you for your honesty.
243
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,222
People hear you on the level
from which you speak,
244
00:08:57,261 --> 00:09:00,463
and I feel like that came
from a place of love, not ego.
245
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:04,710
Cool.
So, do we sign something or...
246
00:09:04,749 --> 00:09:06,817
Oh. Uh, yeah.
Just let me...
247
00:09:06,855 --> 00:09:08,488
I know there's a lot on there,
248
00:09:08,525 --> 00:09:09,490
but I explained it all
on the back if you want to...
249
00:09:09,527 --> 00:09:10,594
Boom!
250
00:09:10,630 --> 00:09:11,964
Approved.
251
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:12,867
You see that?
252
00:09:12,903 --> 00:09:15,038
- That's my favorite part.
- Thank you.
253
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,376
Also, sister to sister,
254
00:09:16,412 --> 00:09:17,813
I do think
you should be meditating.
255
00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:19,516
I think you got some things
going on
256
00:09:19,554 --> 00:09:21,021
that drugs will just not cure.
257
00:09:21,059 --> 00:09:22,359
Oh.
258
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,864
This is what I listen to
when I meditate.
259
00:09:24,902 --> 00:09:26,870
You want to give that a listen?
260
00:09:26,908 --> 00:09:28,575
Thanks.
261
00:09:28,612 --> 00:09:31,347
Okay.
262
00:09:32,621 --> 00:09:35,123
Wait.
You literally didn't circle one ailment.
263
00:09:35,163 --> 00:09:36,062
No.
264
00:09:36,098 --> 00:09:38,132
- Miss...
- Micucci.
265
00:09:38,171 --> 00:09:40,238
Micucci?
266
00:09:40,277 --> 00:09:41,944
Your parents should have
named you "Sharon."
267
00:09:41,980 --> 00:09:44,115
- Sharin' my coochie.
- Yeah, I know.
268
00:09:44,153 --> 00:09:46,188
I'm gonna need you to find
one thing that's wrong with you
269
00:09:46,226 --> 00:09:47,659
or I can't give you one.
It is the law.
270
00:09:47,696 --> 00:09:50,364
Yeah.
I didn't have anything on this list.
271
00:09:50,403 --> 00:09:51,770
- Really? Nothing?
- No.
272
00:09:51,807 --> 00:09:54,108
No insomnia, anxiety,
lack of appetite?
273
00:09:54,147 --> 00:09:56,113
No. I sleep great.
Never worry.
274
00:09:56,152 --> 00:09:57,685
And I eat breakfast,
lunch, and dinner,
275
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:58,856
and then I have this new meal
I made up.
276
00:09:58,892 --> 00:10:00,592
It's called
"night brunch."
277
00:10:00,629 --> 00:10:03,498
Kate, there has to be something
wrong with you.
278
00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:06,306
Let me show you my list.
Maybe it'll give you an idea.
279
00:10:06,346 --> 00:10:08,914
- Depression, uncontrollable crying.
- No.
280
00:10:08,952 --> 00:10:11,520
- Inordinately high sex drive.
- No.
281
00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:13,027
Fear that there's a conspiracy
by men
282
00:10:13,063 --> 00:10:14,063
to pretend I'm not a genius.
283
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,400
I have that.
284
00:10:15,437 --> 00:10:16,938
Mm. Dry skin?
285
00:10:16,974 --> 00:10:19,108
Sorry. There's nothing.
286
00:10:19,146 --> 00:10:22,416
Well, then, Miss Micucci,
I'm sorry but you're denied.
287
00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:25,357
You're my first.
288
00:10:25,397 --> 00:10:27,498
I don't even have a stamp
for that.
289
00:10:27,536 --> 00:10:29,269
If there's nothing wrong
with me,
290
00:10:29,307 --> 00:10:31,675
what have I really done
in my life?
291
00:10:31,713 --> 00:10:33,314
I don't know,
but want to trade?
292
00:10:33,351 --> 00:10:35,152
I've got tons of stuff wrong
with me.
293
00:10:35,189 --> 00:10:36,857
Yeah, I do want to trade.
294
00:10:36,894 --> 00:10:39,963
Isn't life about acquiring
baggage and getting scars
295
00:10:40,002 --> 00:10:41,736
and making mistakes?
296
00:10:41,774 --> 00:10:43,907
Totally. That's why I'm constantly
doing all of those things.
297
00:10:43,946 --> 00:10:46,848
Man, you're so
effortlessly complicated.
298
00:10:46,887 --> 00:10:48,288
Oh, thank you.
299
00:10:48,325 --> 00:10:49,959
This is so cool!
300
00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:51,497
I wish I had one.
301
00:10:51,533 --> 00:10:52,900
Could have had one.
302
00:10:52,937 --> 00:10:54,571
Why didn't you just use
your acting skills?
303
00:10:54,608 --> 00:10:55,841
I'm not that good of an actor.
304
00:10:55,879 --> 00:10:57,646
Uh, yeah, you are.
305
00:10:57,683 --> 00:10:59,284
They would not have hired you to
play the cheese in a cup girl
306
00:10:59,321 --> 00:11:00,888
on Cory in the House
if you were not a great actor.
307
00:11:00,925 --> 00:11:02,592
Yeah, that's true.
308
00:11:02,630 --> 00:11:03,930
You should have just lied.
309
00:11:03,966 --> 00:11:06,300
Well, it's just that
I'm not that...
310
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:08,644
Quick?
311
00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:10,379
Yeah.
312
00:11:17,971 --> 00:11:19,304
Oh, my God.
313
00:11:21,046 --> 00:11:23,246
What are you doing here?
314
00:11:23,285 --> 00:11:26,387
I can get to anyone,
anytime, anywhere.
315
00:11:26,427 --> 00:11:29,762
Know that.
Know that deep inside yourselves.
316
00:11:29,802 --> 00:11:32,336
Okay, you are like
a really scary person.
317
00:11:32,375 --> 00:11:34,310
That's what I was going for.
318
00:11:34,347 --> 00:11:35,481
This is from Cornish.
319
00:11:38,727 --> 00:11:40,560
She's so creepy.
320
00:11:40,598 --> 00:11:42,666
Yeah.
I bet she could get a weed card.
321
00:11:43,673 --> 00:11:45,907
"Dear skanks..."
322
00:11:45,946 --> 00:11:48,313
This time I sent Bethany
to find you.
323
00:11:48,352 --> 00:11:50,654
But next time,
I might send someone even scarier,
324
00:11:50,692 --> 00:11:51,959
like the Crips
325
00:11:51,995 --> 00:11:53,262
or that gang
that isn't the Crips.
326
00:11:53,299 --> 00:11:55,333
Hey, Riki,
you know that guy Craig
327
00:11:55,371 --> 00:11:56,971
you went out with last week?
328
00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:58,208
I sent him a letter to tell him
329
00:11:58,244 --> 00:11:59,912
how many people
you'd slept with.
330
00:11:59,949 --> 00:12:01,286
- No!
- And, Kate,
331
00:12:01,312 --> 00:12:02,732
I wanted to do
the same thing for you,
332
00:12:02,757 --> 00:12:06,459
but I couldn't find anyone
you'd ever slept with or dated.
333
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:10,236
This is just a reminder that I can find you,
anytime, anywhere.
334
00:12:10,276 --> 00:12:13,713
I am going to ruin your lives!
335
00:12:15,257 --> 00:12:16,825
What the hell
are we going to do?
336
00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,196
I don't know.
337
00:12:18,232 --> 00:12:22,001
I'm really craving an apple
right now.
338
00:12:22,043 --> 00:12:24,644
That's helpful.
339
00:12:27,490 --> 00:12:29,625
So, for today's meditation,
340
00:12:29,663 --> 00:12:31,964
we are going to focus
on our breath.
341
00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:34,971
Let's begin, as always,
with the mantra.
342
00:12:35,010 --> 00:12:37,512
I am pure.
343
00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:39,885
I am spirit.
344
00:12:39,923 --> 00:12:42,358
? Apples,
they're my favorite fruit. ?
345
00:12:42,397 --> 00:12:45,364
? Apples,
they taste very good. ?
346
00:12:45,404 --> 00:12:48,239
? Apples,
they're my favorite fruit. ?
347
00:12:48,279 --> 00:12:50,980
All things are light.
348
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,621
All things are love.
349
00:12:53,659 --> 00:12:56,161
Darkness cannot lessen
my light...
350
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:26,342
Hey, Riki.
Hey, Riki.
351
00:13:26,380 --> 00:13:29,115
Hey, Riki.
I'm going to ruin your lives.
352
00:13:29,154 --> 00:13:31,423
I'm going to ruin your lives.
353
00:13:31,461 --> 00:13:33,729
I'm going to ruin your lives.
354
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:38,504
I am my mind,
which is mine but not mine.
355
00:13:38,547 --> 00:13:41,014
It is yours.
It is...
356
00:13:41,053 --> 00:13:42,987
Okay, I do not get meditating.
357
00:13:43,025 --> 00:13:44,359
Me neither.
358
00:13:44,395 --> 00:13:45,963
Meditation is like giving
a bullhorn
359
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,900
to all the thoughts I'd quieted
with television.
360
00:13:47,938 --> 00:13:49,505
I couldn't stop thinking
about her.
361
00:13:49,542 --> 00:13:50,676
Same here.
362
00:13:50,712 --> 00:13:52,346
I don't know
if I'm just light-headed
363
00:13:52,383 --> 00:13:53,750
or maybe still high,
364
00:13:53,787 --> 00:13:55,153
but I kind of think
we should go over there
365
00:13:55,190 --> 00:13:56,290
and maybe talk it out with her.
366
00:13:56,326 --> 00:13:57,927
- Really?
- Yeah.
367
00:13:57,965 --> 00:14:00,733
We could bring her that melodica
that we never gave to her.
368
00:14:00,772 --> 00:14:02,339
Yeah.
That'll fix everything.
369
00:14:02,377 --> 00:14:03,310
Yeah.
370
00:14:08,895 --> 00:14:10,829
Hey, Cornish.
371
00:14:10,866 --> 00:14:13,266
Cornish.
372
00:14:13,304 --> 00:14:14,872
Hey, Cornish.
373
00:14:14,910 --> 00:14:16,076
- Cornish.
- What?
374
00:14:16,112 --> 00:14:18,781
Those girls you know are here.
375
00:14:18,820 --> 00:14:21,622
Have you come
to beg my forgiveness?
376
00:14:21,662 --> 00:14:24,163
No.
We came to talk things out.
377
00:14:24,201 --> 00:14:25,501
Great.
378
00:14:25,538 --> 00:14:26,972
I'm just in the middle
of recording my album
379
00:14:27,009 --> 00:14:28,677
with my producer, Al Yankovic.
380
00:14:28,714 --> 00:14:30,682
Al, come over here and join us,
okay?
381
00:14:30,719 --> 00:14:32,385
Oh, my gosh, you're Weird Al!
382
00:14:32,422 --> 00:14:34,156
That's amazing!
383
00:14:34,194 --> 00:14:35,895
We are like your biggest fans.
We do exactly what you do.
384
00:14:35,932 --> 00:14:37,299
Funny songs.
385
00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:39,136
We're in a comedy band.
You're our idol.
386
00:14:39,174 --> 00:14:40,642
It is so nice to meet you.
387
00:14:40,678 --> 00:14:42,479
Hi. Nice to meet you.
What's the name of your band?
388
00:14:42,516 --> 00:14:43,683
Garfunkel & Oates.
389
00:14:45,491 --> 00:14:46,925
That make you feel good?
390
00:14:46,962 --> 00:14:49,563
Belittling two rock 'n' roll
hall of famers?
391
00:14:49,602 --> 00:14:52,504
I don't know what you think
you know about comedy music,
392
00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:54,043
but let me tell you something.
393
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,715
It is not about mocking
talented artists
394
00:14:56,755 --> 00:14:59,957
who are just trying to do
the best that they can.
395
00:14:59,996 --> 00:15:02,632
I'm gonna take five.
396
00:15:05,511 --> 00:15:06,478
You've upset Al.
397
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:07,914
We really didn't mean to.
398
00:15:07,951 --> 00:15:09,852
Okay,
switching gears for a second.
399
00:15:09,890 --> 00:15:11,390
I'm happy that you're here,
400
00:15:11,427 --> 00:15:13,295
because I've really integrated
401
00:15:13,332 --> 00:15:15,866
some of the things
that you said to me today
402
00:15:15,905 --> 00:15:17,005
and it really hit home.
403
00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:18,275
Um, here's the thing.
404
00:15:18,312 --> 00:15:19,579
I do have everything.
405
00:15:19,616 --> 00:15:22,984
I'm beautiful.
I'm gifted. I'm loved.
406
00:15:23,024 --> 00:15:25,326
And I thought about you,
and I thought you have none of that.
407
00:15:25,364 --> 00:15:28,333
It's like a silly band
on YouTube.
408
00:15:28,372 --> 00:15:29,672
So, who cares?
409
00:15:29,710 --> 00:15:32,944
What does that matter?
Let it go.
410
00:15:34,588 --> 00:15:35,988
That's great.
411
00:15:36,025 --> 00:15:37,393
'Cause we just want it to be
cool between us.
412
00:15:37,429 --> 00:15:39,096
And we just wanted to say
we're really sorry
413
00:15:39,134 --> 00:15:41,168
for the way that we kicked you
out of the band.
414
00:15:41,205 --> 00:15:42,406
Thank you.
415
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,310
And we brought
a peace offering.
416
00:15:44,348 --> 00:15:47,484
I went to the pot store
and got this pot cookie.
417
00:15:47,523 --> 00:15:48,923
It's supposed to be
really strong.
418
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,495
Oh, that's gonna go great
with my Special K.
419
00:15:50,531 --> 00:15:53,332
And we got you this.
420
00:15:53,371 --> 00:15:56,507
"G&O&JJ 4-ever."
421
00:15:56,547 --> 00:15:59,516
Does this mean
what I think it means?
422
00:15:59,555 --> 00:16:04,359
Garfunkel & Oates & Jazzy Jeff
together again!
423
00:16:04,401 --> 00:16:05,568
Yes!
424
00:16:07,143 --> 00:16:07,976
Aah!
425
00:16:08,011 --> 00:16:09,345
Aah!
426
00:16:09,381 --> 00:16:09,948
Aah!
427
00:16:13,727 --> 00:16:16,228
This pot cookie is really strong.
428
00:16:20,306 --> 00:16:21,472
I love this part.
429
00:16:21,508 --> 00:16:23,243
Don't you guys love this part?
430
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,181
This was always
my favorite part.
431
00:16:26,990 --> 00:16:28,891
This is bad.
432
00:16:28,929 --> 00:16:33,666
She...
I think she thinks...
433
00:16:33,708 --> 00:16:35,309
She thinks
she's still in the band.
434
00:16:35,346 --> 00:16:37,748
I know.
We have to tell her.
435
00:16:37,787 --> 00:16:39,487
No.
That sounds so hard.
436
00:16:39,524 --> 00:16:41,859
- She's so far away.
- I know.
437
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:47,673
I want...
I want...
438
00:16:47,713 --> 00:16:49,747
- A hammock.
- What?
439
00:16:49,785 --> 00:16:51,786
Yeah.
I want a schlam...
440
00:16:51,824 --> 00:16:53,224
A scheschlammick.
441
00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:57,130
I want a hammock
from hammicker schlammicker.
442
00:16:57,171 --> 00:16:59,306
Ham.
443
00:16:59,345 --> 00:17:03,648
Cornish. Cornish.
444
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,323
Cornish.
445
00:17:05,361 --> 00:17:06,394
Cornish. Cornish.
446
00:17:06,430 --> 00:17:07,330
Cornish.
447
00:17:07,366 --> 00:17:08,565
- Cornish.
- Cornish.
448
00:17:08,601 --> 00:17:09,534
Cornish.
449
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:10,771
Yes?
450
00:17:10,807 --> 00:17:12,275
- Cornish.
- Yes?
451
00:17:12,312 --> 00:17:14,080
Cornish,
you're not in the band.
452
00:17:14,952 --> 00:17:16,652
What?
453
00:17:16,690 --> 00:17:18,824
The melodica gesture
was just misinterpreted.
454
00:17:18,863 --> 00:17:20,130
We had that for so long.
455
00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:21,333
For many, many years.
456
00:17:21,370 --> 00:17:22,503
We just never gave it to you.
457
00:17:22,539 --> 00:17:24,407
I'm sorry.
458
00:17:27,586 --> 00:17:29,421
Are you f-ing kidding me?
459
00:17:29,458 --> 00:17:31,526
You're kicking me out of
the band for a second time?
460
00:17:31,564 --> 00:17:33,998
Yes!
461
00:17:50,949 --> 00:17:52,916
No. No.
462
00:17:52,954 --> 00:17:55,356
- No.
- Same team, man!
463
00:17:55,394 --> 00:17:58,463
Ow! Oh!
464
00:17:58,503 --> 00:18:00,637
Come on.
No, no, that's my friend.
465
00:18:00,674 --> 00:18:03,843
I thought you were my friend.
466
00:18:03,884 --> 00:18:06,419
Why would you think that?
467
00:18:08,229 --> 00:18:10,095
Ow!
468
00:18:12,806 --> 00:18:15,042
No! No!
469
00:18:23,169 --> 00:18:25,236
Year of the Horse!
470
00:18:25,274 --> 00:18:26,674
Ow!
471
00:18:29,185 --> 00:18:31,085
The room is spinning.
472
00:18:31,122 --> 00:18:33,591
I never...
473
00:18:35,468 --> 00:18:37,970
Do you feel like
we could have handled today
474
00:18:38,008 --> 00:18:39,208
a little differently?
475
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,277
A little better?
476
00:18:40,314 --> 00:18:42,716
No way.
We were so cool.
477
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:45,288
Yeah, we were pretty cool.
478
00:18:45,327 --> 00:18:47,161
It's cool
being in Garfunkel & Oates.
479
00:18:47,199 --> 00:18:48,767
I feel bad for her.
480
00:18:48,803 --> 00:18:52,939
Yeah, but remember how bad
it was when there were three?
481
00:18:52,981 --> 00:18:55,683
Yeah, she was not a good fit.
482
00:18:55,721 --> 00:18:58,023
Mnh-mnh.
483
00:18:58,061 --> 00:19:00,296
I feel like...
484
00:19:04,145 --> 00:19:06,846
Do you want to practice
for our show?
485
00:19:08,490 --> 00:19:09,856
"Weed card."
486
00:19:09,893 --> 00:19:11,694
- Hey, you're on in two.
- Thanks!
487
00:19:11,732 --> 00:19:12,566
How's it looking out there?
488
00:19:12,601 --> 00:19:14,034
Well, you're sold out.
489
00:19:14,072 --> 00:19:15,305
- Really?
- Awesome.
490
00:19:15,341 --> 00:19:16,241
That's great.
491
00:19:16,276 --> 00:19:19,245
Yeah, great.
Great.
492
00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,685
Aah!
493
00:19:20,722 --> 00:19:22,223
Okay, so...
494
00:19:22,259 --> 00:19:23,693
"Douche" then "vagina"?
Or "vagina" then "douche"?
495
00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:29,743
Kill it, Bethany.
496
00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:35,558
Brava!
497
00:19:35,595 --> 00:19:37,663
A sold-out performance.
498
00:19:37,701 --> 00:19:40,603
I have to admit,
I'm very impressed.
499
00:19:40,643 --> 00:19:42,176
I'm so confused.
500
00:19:42,213 --> 00:19:43,513
Oh, you're confused?
501
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:45,250
Allow me to explain.
502
00:19:45,288 --> 00:19:47,622
You see,
I bought each and every ticket
503
00:19:47,661 --> 00:19:48,794
to tonight's performance.
504
00:19:48,830 --> 00:19:50,164
Oh, thanks.
505
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,601
- Thanks?
- Yeah.
506
00:19:51,638 --> 00:19:53,138
You just made us
a ton of money.
507
00:19:53,175 --> 00:19:54,475
Mnh-mnh.
It doesn't work that way
508
00:19:54,513 --> 00:19:55,946
because you're only playing
for one.
509
00:19:55,982 --> 00:19:57,817
Yeah,
but you bought all the tickets
510
00:19:57,854 --> 00:19:59,988
with money
that we now get to keep.
511
00:20:00,027 --> 00:20:02,862
- Yeah, but there's no one here.
- Yeah, there's no one here.
512
00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:04,569
Oh, and I also went ahead
513
00:20:04,606 --> 00:20:07,274
and I bought
all of your merchandise.
514
00:20:07,313 --> 00:20:10,081
So all your little fans,
they can't buy your crap.
515
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,188
Well, we wouldn't have sold
any merch anyway
516
00:20:12,227 --> 00:20:13,192
since nobody's here,
517
00:20:13,228 --> 00:20:15,574
so thanks for that.
518
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:18,572
Wow.
So, you guys are clever.
519
00:20:18,602 --> 00:20:20,187
Is that like a new thing,
520
00:20:20,212 --> 00:20:21,881
just anticipating
my every move?
521
00:20:21,918 --> 00:20:23,586
No. We really didn't.
522
00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:25,391
We kind of just showed up,
and then you gave us money.
523
00:20:25,428 --> 00:20:27,295
Yeah, Cornish,
when is this gonna stop?
524
00:20:27,333 --> 00:20:31,203
When you guys finally admit that
you kicked me out of the band
525
00:20:31,243 --> 00:20:32,277
for no reason.
526
00:20:34,271 --> 00:20:35,552
It wasn't for no reason.
527
00:20:35,589 --> 00:20:37,891
I can't believe
I'm being punished
528
00:20:37,929 --> 00:20:39,563
for being beautiful again.
529
00:20:39,599 --> 00:20:42,066
Uh, no.
530
00:20:42,105 --> 00:20:43,673
Look, you were just too dirty.
531
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:45,710
Too dirty?
For you guys?
532
00:20:45,749 --> 00:20:47,950
I mean, isn't the whole point
of the band to be risque?
533
00:20:47,988 --> 00:20:50,890
Risque, yeah,
but you were like really gross dirty,
534
00:20:50,930 --> 00:20:53,932
like you wanted to make
that video about bodily stuff.
535
00:20:53,971 --> 00:20:55,772
"Three Girls, No Cup"
was a hilarious parody.
536
00:20:55,809 --> 00:20:58,611
It is a slow jam
about a diarrhea orgy.
537
00:20:58,650 --> 00:21:00,184
See,
that has very limited appeal.
538
00:21:00,221 --> 00:21:02,055
You guys just don't know
how to bring the funny.
539
00:21:02,093 --> 00:21:04,628
- Bring the funny?
- Yeah, the funny.
540
00:21:04,666 --> 00:21:06,868
You don't know how to bring it.
541
00:21:06,906 --> 00:21:09,140
Okay, well, if we don't know
how to bring the funny,
542
00:21:09,178 --> 00:21:11,313
then why do you want to be
in our group so badly?
543
00:21:11,351 --> 00:21:14,453
Because it was the last time
I felt free.
544
00:21:15,997 --> 00:21:19,799
I mean,
I'm just trapped in this life
545
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:25,678
of fame and money
and love and travel
546
00:21:25,722 --> 00:21:27,390
and opportunity, great wine.
547
00:21:27,428 --> 00:21:29,095
Are you still stoned?
548
00:21:29,132 --> 00:21:31,067
- Are you still stoned?
- You know what, Cornish?
549
00:21:31,104 --> 00:21:33,238
We knew you when your name
was still Jamie.
550
00:21:35,783 --> 00:21:36,983
Ohh!
551
00:21:37,019 --> 00:21:39,020
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
552
00:21:41,423 --> 00:21:43,032
No!
553
00:21:45,789 --> 00:21:48,828
I just feel like I'm
finally ready to go solo
554
00:21:48,843 --> 00:21:50,211
as DJ Jazzy Jeff.
555
00:21:50,247 --> 00:21:51,714
You might have to change
your name.
556
00:21:51,751 --> 00:21:53,319
You might have to change
your name.
557
00:21:53,355 --> 00:21:55,223
You know,
I've been thinking so much
558
00:21:55,261 --> 00:21:57,095
about it being
the year of the Horse
559
00:21:57,133 --> 00:21:59,634
and what horses mean to me
and how creative they are
560
00:21:59,672 --> 00:22:02,874
and intelligent and spiritual.
561
00:22:02,914 --> 00:22:05,316
I never realized this
until this moment,
562
00:22:05,355 --> 00:22:07,589
but you are like
the horse of people.
563
00:22:07,628 --> 00:22:09,395
I know.
564
00:22:09,432 --> 00:22:12,034
And I wrote a song about it.
565
00:22:12,072 --> 00:22:13,805
You want to hear the song?
566
00:22:13,842 --> 00:22:15,177
I would be honored.
567
00:22:15,214 --> 00:22:19,350
? One night in the stables, ?
568
00:22:19,392 --> 00:22:23,794
? I decided to press my luck. ?
569
00:22:23,835 --> 00:22:27,037
? I climbed up on a horse, ?
570
00:22:27,078 --> 00:22:31,830
? and I said hello. ?
571
00:22:33,127 --> 00:22:35,362
You are a genius.
572
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,436
- Has anyone ever told you that?
- Yeah, a lot of people.
573
00:22:38,486 --> 00:22:43,036
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