Original subtitles

- Yo, you ready? - Yeah, let's do this shit.

Hit me up.

? No amount of alcohol... ?

? Ducks, sex with ducks... ?

? Please don't let it show... ?

? Pregnant women are... ?

? That's how the story goes... ?

? Resist the urge to lose my vaginal... ?

? You... ?

Happy bandaversary!

Here's to five years of Garfunkel & Oates.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm!

Present time?

Let's do it. Got you something.

- I got you something. - Oh!

Thank you.

Oh, puppets.

For my fingers?

Yeah.

This is a purse with a water spout.

A wine spout.

- A wine spout. - Oh!

Thank you so, so much.

Thank you. This is great!

Thank you! Thank you!

You know me so well.

Yeah, I didn't even know they made these until I saw them.

- Oh, the best day of my life. - Oh, that's cool.

So, what are we going to do to celebrate?

Um, well, last year we went to the Long Beach blimp.

The year before that was murder boat.

Right. Okay.

- Oh, I know. - What?

Why were those two things so fun?

Were they fun? I don't really even remember.

They were because we were high.

We should get our weed cards!

That way, no matter what we do,

it'll be fun and it will be legal.

I like it. But isn't it hard to get one of those?

No. Vivian got hers for paranoia

because she said

she was paranoid to get caught with weed.

She is so next level.

Oh, whoa. There's the paparazzi.

I wonder who they're following.

Cornish! Cornish!

- Oh, I kind of hope it's... - I don't know who that is.

- Oh my God. - Oh no. Hide.

Cornish! Cornish!

Well, if it isn't Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Bitch.

Celebrating our bandaversary again without me?

? You, yeah, you, you're really cool. ?

? You can be anything you wanna be. ?

? Time to fly, I'm talking to you. ?

? No hablo espa�ol. ?

? Let's see you move forward, stand your ground. ?

? Hang in there while you're doing it ?

? and sail away into the sunset, baby. ?

? Dream your dreams into the sky. ?

? Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it. ?

? Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah. ?

? Don't stop being cool. ?

- Hey, Cornish, how are you? - Hey, how's it going?

Don't look so surprised.

Every year I wait for my invitation,

and every year, bandaversary finds me sitting alone

in Beverly Hills or Martha's Vineyard

or the ranch in Carmel.

Do you have any idea what that feels like?

No, it wasn't the ranch.

I lent it to Balthazar Getty last year.

It was the villa in Santorini.

- Do you even know what that feels like? - No.

Let me tell you something. This year is different.

'Cause it's the Chinese year of the Horse.

Do you know what that means?

The paper place mat at the dumpling house

was not clear on that.

My spiritual advisor told me

that this is the year where all my wishes come true.

And my wish is to make you guys suffer

for kicking me out of the band.

Look, Cornish, we've apologized like a million times.

I don't know what else to say.

Why don't you just admit that you ruined my life?

Okay. We did not ruin your life.

You're, like, a movie star.

Yeah, and you're so beautiful,

and you're a millionaire probably.

- Probably? Adorable. - And didn't you win an Oscar?

It was a Golden Globe, and it's still a huge honor.

Okay. And you have all your Africa stuff.

- Haiti. - That is still good!

And you're on all those magazine covers.

But, like, the nice magazines at the good supermarkets.

It's all fine.

It just drives home the fact

that I don't have the one thing that I really care about.

"Garfunkel & Oates & Jazzy Jeff."

It is just "Garfunkel & Oates" now.

Do you guys not hear how weird that sounds?

I'm sorry if we hurt your feelings,

but this is the way it has to be.

Fine.

But, hey, guys, heads up.

Rules of the game have changed, okay?

This is not the Cornish you kicked to the curb years ago.

I am going to make you wish that you never...

I got the pizza.

Bethany, do not get all up in my jet stream

while I'm monologuing.

Just don't do it.

Well, that moment has passed,

but you catch my drift, okay?

Watch your backs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the recording studio.

I'm cutting an album, solo.

You guys sound like crap without a melodica player.

Hi. We're Garfunkel & Oates...

- & Jazzy Jeff. - & Jazzy Jeff.

And this song is called "you, me...

- "And Steve." - And Steve."

Melodica solo!

No. Put it away. I can't look at it.

Really.

She is so creepy.

- I know. She scares me. - Me too!

Remember what happened last time?

Yeah, she got us banned from The Tonight Show

and our favorite Chili's.

- I miss Chili's. - Me too.

I hope she doesn't get all weird again.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Y'all two.

We're ready for you over here

if you want to join me at the medicine desk.

Here you go. Here's your paperwork.

Here you go, young man.

That's y'all's paperwork.

It's got a list of medical afflictions.

You just circle any one that "applies" to you all.

We'll take it from there.

Why did you say "apply" in quotation marks?

Legally, I'm not allowed to say.

What I can tell you... My name.

My name is Nurse Durst.

Not registered, but I can answer any questions you might have

except for the one about the quotation marks.

Um... How do you know if you have restless leg syndrome?

If you're at the club and there's, like, a really hot beat going

and then you just like... ? Ra tum ta you know? ?

Then you definitely got it.

That one's actually not an illness.

That's more of like a party thing.

I don't have that.

You look great to me, honestly.

I don't see it in you.

- 'Cause you look good. - Oh, thank you.

- How do you know... - For a white girl.

What's Graves' disease?

Oh, that's what you get if you're a grave robber

and you go in and you take the body

for some sort of nefarious scientific purpose

and then you find out that you have some sort of fungal infection

on your fingers.

Ooh! I have so many of these.

? Everyone knows marijuana's dangerous, ?

? and medical pot is really strong. ?

? That's why it's so hard in California ?

? to get your weed card unless something's really wrong. ?

? Gonna pay a visit to my doctor. ?

? It's a long shot, but I've gotta try. ?

? She hands me a list of all the ailments I can have to qualify. ?

? Can't believe what I am reading. ?

? This is just what I've been needing. ?

? A government supply to get legally high. ?

? Weed card, it's what I need. ?

? Hardly ever, okay, always. ?

? But it's not an addiction, ?

? 'cause my doctor gave me a prescription. ?

? You can get your card for having headaches, ?

? bad dreams or anxiety. ?

? Propensity for drugs or alcohol. ?

? Anorexia or obesity, ?

? Too fat, too thin. ?

? Either way you win. ?

? Carpal tunnel syndrome, color blindness, ?

? st-st-stuttering, t-t-tooth decay. ?

? Fatigue, depression, motion sickness, ?

? impotence or TMJ. ?

? You can smoke to quit cigarettes, ?

? for asthma or your Tourette's. ?

? It's a dream come true. ?

? There's nothing pot can't do. ?

? Weed card, it's what I need. ?

? Hardly ever, okay, always. ?

? But it's not an addiction, ?

? 'cause my doctor gave me a prescription. ?

? Break it down now. ?

? Got back pain, need Mary Jane. ?

? Can't handle this, need cannabis. ?

? Got a stomachache, gotta wake and bake. ?

? Have an injury, need THC. ?

? Get messed up for your hyperhydrosis, ?

? which is sweaty palms in case you need a diagnosis. ?

? It's not a crime, it's 4-20 time. ?

? Weed card, it's what I need. ?

? Hardly ever, okay, always. ?

? But it's not an addiction,

? 'cause my doctor gave me a prescription. ?

Hello, family. Focus up.

I know this is a stressful time in your medical history.

Is anyone in the waiting room

currently driving an Audi A3 2014?

Very nice vehicle. All-wheel drive.

I do.

You did.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but it's gone.

The tow truck has it now.

What?

Sorry.

But once you get some of our product,

you don't need wheels 'cause you're gonna fly, girl.

"Enjoy your bus ride home.

#yearofthehorse"

No!

"Sent to you from inside a Chili's."

Man!

Okay, before we begin I have a question for you both.

Do you like my hair like this?

I've asked some girlfriends of mine,

but I think they have some jealousy issues

and I can't really trust what they have to say.

I mean, am I the sexy weed doctor

with mahogany hair that comes down to my nipples?

Or am I the sexy weed doctor

that has mahogany hair that comes down to my clavicle?

These things can make all the difference.

Well, I like your hair.

I like it clavicle length.

Thank you for your honesty.

People hear you on the level from which you speak,

and I feel like that came from a place of love, not ego.

Cool. So, do we sign something or...

Oh. Uh, yeah. Just let me...

I know there's a lot on there,

but I explained it all on the back if you want to...

Boom!

Approved.

You see that?

- That's my favorite part. - Thank you.

Also, sister to sister,

I do think you should be meditating.

I think you got some things going on

that drugs will just not cure.

Oh.

This is what I listen to when I meditate.

You want to give that a listen?

Thanks.

Okay.

Wait. You literally didn't circle one ailment.

No.

- Miss... - Micucci.

Micucci?

Your parents should have named you "Sharon."

- Sharin' my coochie. - Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna need you to find one thing that's wrong with you

or I can't give you one. It is the law.

Yeah. I didn't have anything on this list.

- Really? Nothing? - No.

No insomnia, anxiety, lack of appetite?

No. I sleep great. Never worry.

And I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner,

and then I have this new meal I made up.

It's called "night brunch."

Kate, there has to be something wrong with you.

Let me show you my list. Maybe it'll give you an idea.

- Depression, uncontrollable crying. - No.

- Inordinately high sex drive. - No.

Fear that there's a conspiracy by men

to pretend I'm not a genius.

I have that.

Mm. Dry skin?

Sorry. There's nothing.

Well, then, Miss Micucci, I'm sorry but you're denied.

You're my first.

I don't even have a stamp for that.

If there's nothing wrong with me,

what have I really done in my life?

I don't know, but want to trade?

I've got tons of stuff wrong with me.

Yeah, I do want to trade.

Isn't life about acquiring baggage and getting scars

and making mistakes?

Totally. That's why I'm constantly doing all of those things.

Man, you're so effortlessly complicated.

Oh, thank you.

This is so cool!

I wish I had one.

Could have had one.

Why didn't you just use your acting skills?

I'm not that good of an actor.

Uh, yeah, you are.

They would not have hired you to play the cheese in a cup girl

on Cory in the House if you were not a great actor.

Yeah, that's true.

You should have just lied.

Well, it's just that I'm not that...

Quick?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

I can get to anyone, anytime, anywhere.

Know that. Know that deep inside yourselves.

Okay, you are like a really scary person.

That's what I was going for.

This is from Cornish.

She's so creepy.

Yeah. I bet she could get a weed card.

"Dear skanks..."

This time I sent Bethany to find you.

But next time, I might send someone even scarier,

like the Crips

or that gang that isn't the Crips.

Hey, Riki, you know that guy Craig

you went out with last week?

I sent him a letter to tell him

how many people you'd slept with.

- No! - And, Kate,

I wanted to do the same thing for you,

but I couldn't find anyone you'd ever slept with or dated.

This is just a reminder that I can find you, anytime, anywhere.

I am going to ruin your lives!

What the hell are we going to do?

I don't know.

I'm really craving an apple right now.

That's helpful.

So, for today's meditation,

we are going to focus on our breath.

Let's begin, as always, with the mantra.

I am pure.

I am spirit.

? Apples, they're my favorite fruit. ?

? Apples, they taste very good. ?

? Apples, they're my favorite fruit. ?

All things are light.

All things are love.

Darkness cannot lessen my light...

Hey, Riki. Hey, Riki.

Hey, Riki. I'm going to ruin your lives.

I'm going to ruin your lives.

I'm going to ruin your lives.

I am my mind, which is mine but not mine.

It is yours. It is...

Okay, I do not get meditating.

Me neither.

Meditation is like giving a bullhorn

to all the thoughts I'd quieted with television.

I couldn't stop thinking about her.

Same here.

I don't know if I'm just light-headed

or maybe still high,

but I kind of think we should go over there

and maybe talk it out with her.

- Really? - Yeah.

We could bring her that melodica that we never gave to her.

Yeah. That'll fix everything.

Yeah.

Hey, Cornish.

Cornish.

Hey, Cornish.

- Cornish. - What?

Those girls you know are here.

Have you come to beg my forgiveness?

No. We came to talk things out.

Great.

I'm just in the middle of recording my album

with my producer, Al Yankovic.

Al, come over here and join us, okay?

Oh, my gosh, you're Weird Al!

That's amazing!

We are like your biggest fans. We do exactly what you do.

Funny songs.

We're in a comedy band. You're our idol.

It is so nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you. What's the name of your band?

Garfunkel & Oates.

That make you feel good?

Belittling two rock 'n' roll hall of famers?

I don't know what you think you know about comedy music,

but let me tell you something.

It is not about mocking talented artists

who are just trying to do the best that they can.

I'm gonna take five.

You've upset Al.

We really didn't mean to.

Okay, switching gears for a second.

I'm happy that you're here,

because I've really integrated

some of the things that you said to me today

and it really hit home.

Um, here's the thing.

I do have everything.

I'm beautiful. I'm gifted. I'm loved.

And I thought about you, and I thought you have none of that.

It's like a silly band on YouTube.

So, who cares?

What does that matter? Let it go.

That's great.

'Cause we just want it to be cool between us.

And we just wanted to say we're really sorry

for the way that we kicked you out of the band.

Thank you.

And we brought a peace offering.

I went to the pot store and got this pot cookie.

It's supposed to be really strong.

Oh, that's gonna go great with my Special K.

And we got you this.

"G&O&JJ 4-ever."

Does this mean what I think it means?

Garfunkel & Oates & Jazzy Jeff together again!

Yes!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

This pot cookie is really strong.

I love this part.

Don't you guys love this part?

This was always my favorite part.

This is bad.

She... I think she thinks...

She thinks she's still in the band.

I know. We have to tell her.

No. That sounds so hard.

- She's so far away. - I know.

I want... I want...

- A hammock. - What?

Yeah. I want a schlam...

A scheschlammick.

I want a hammock from hammicker schlammicker.

Ham.

Cornish. Cornish.

Cornish.

Cornish. Cornish.

Cornish.

- Cornish. - Cornish.

Cornish.

Yes?

- Cornish. - Yes?

Cornish, you're not in the band.

What?

The melodica gesture was just misinterpreted.

We had that for so long.

For many, many years.

We just never gave it to you.

I'm sorry.

Are you f-ing kidding me?

You're kicking me out of the band for a second time?

Yes!

No. No.

- No. - Same team, man!

Ow! Oh!

Come on. No, no, that's my friend.

I thought you were my friend.

Why would you think that?

Ow!

No! No!

Year of the Horse!

Ow!

The room is spinning.

I never...

Do you feel like we could have handled today

a little differently?

A little better?

No way. We were so cool.

Yeah, we were pretty cool.

It's cool being in Garfunkel & Oates.

I feel bad for her.

Yeah, but remember how bad it was when there were three?

Yeah, she was not a good fit.

Mnh-mnh.

I feel like...

Do you want to practice for our show?

"Weed card."

- Hey, you're on in two. - Thanks!

How's it looking out there?

Well, you're sold out.

- Really? - Awesome.

That's great.

Yeah, great. Great.

Aah!

Okay, so...

"Douche" then "vagina"? Or "vagina" then "douche"?

Kill it, Bethany.

Brava!

A sold-out performance.

I have to admit, I'm very impressed.

I'm so confused.

Oh, you're confused?

Allow me to explain.

You see, I bought each and every ticket

to tonight's performance.

Oh, thanks.

- Thanks? - Yeah.

You just made us a ton of money.

Mnh-mnh. It doesn't work that way

because you're only playing for one.

Yeah, but you bought all the tickets

with money that we now get to keep.

- Yeah, but there's no one here. - Yeah, there's no one here.

Oh, and I also went ahead

and I bought all of your merchandise.

So all your little fans, they can't buy your crap.

Well, we wouldn't have sold any merch anyway

since nobody's here,

so thanks for that.

Wow. So, you guys are clever.

Is that like a new thing,

just anticipating my every move?

No. We really didn't.

We kind of just showed up, and then you gave us money.

Yeah, Cornish, when is this gonna stop?

When you guys finally admit that you kicked me out of the band

for no reason.

It wasn't for no reason.

I can't believe I'm being punished

for being beautiful again.

Uh, no.

Look, you were just too dirty.

Too dirty? For you guys?

I mean, isn't the whole point of the band to be risque?

Risque, yeah, but you were like really gross dirty,

like you wanted to make that video about bodily stuff.

"Three Girls, No Cup" was a hilarious parody.

It is a slow jam about a diarrhea orgy.

See, that has very limited appeal.

You guys just don't know how to bring the funny.

- Bring the funny? - Yeah, the funny.

You don't know how to bring it.

Okay, well, if we don't know how to bring the funny,

then why do you want to be in our group so badly?

Because it was the last time I felt free.

I mean, I'm just trapped in this life

of fame and money and love and travel

and opportunity, great wine.

Are you still stoned?

- Are you still stoned? - You know what, Cornish?

We knew you when your name was still Jamie.

Ohh!

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

No!

I just feel like I'm finally ready to go solo

as DJ Jazzy Jeff.

You might have to change your name.

You might have to change your name.

You know, I've been thinking so much

about it being the year of the Horse

and what horses mean to me and how creative they are

and intelligent and spiritual.

I never realized this until this moment,

but you are like the horse of people.

I know.

And I wrote a song about it.

You want to hear the song?

I would be honored.

? One night in the stables, ?

? I decided to press my luck. ?

? I climbed up on a horse, ?

? and I said hello. ?

You are a genius.

- Has anyone ever told you that? - Yeah, a lot of people.

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