All language subtitles for Garfunkel and Oates s01e06 Third Member.eng

- Yo, you ready?
- Yeah, let's do this shit.

Hit me up.

? No amount of alcohol... ?

? Ducks, sex with ducks... ?

? Please don't let it show... ?

? Pregnant women are... ?

? That's how the story goes... ?

? Resist the urge
to lose my vaginal... ?

? You... ?

Happy bandaversary!

Here's to five years
of Garfunkel & Oates.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm!

Present time?

Let's do it.
Got you something.

- I got you something.
- Oh!

Thank you.

Oh, puppets.

For my fingers?

Yeah.

This is a purse
with a water spout.

A wine spout.

- A wine spout.
- Oh!

Thank you so, so much.

Thank you.
This is great!

Thank you! Thank you!

You know me so well.

Yeah, I didn't even know they
made these until I saw them.

- Oh, the best day of my life.
- Oh, that's cool.

So, what are we going to do
to celebrate?

Um, well, last year we went to
the Long Beach blimp.

The year before that
was murder boat.

Right. Okay.

- Oh, I know.
- What?

Why were those two things
so fun?

Were they fun?
I don't really even remember.

They were because we were high.

We should get our weed cards!

That way, no matter what we do,

it'll be fun
and it will be legal.

I like it.
But isn't it hard to get one of those?

No.
Vivian got hers for paranoia

because she said

she was paranoid to get caught
with weed.

She is so next level.

Oh, whoa.
There's the paparazzi.

I wonder who they're following.

Cornish! Cornish!

- Oh, I kind of hope it's...
- I don't know who that is.

- Oh my God.
- Oh no. Hide.

Cornish! Cornish!

Well, if it isn't
Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Bitch.

Celebrating our bandaversary
again without me?

? You, yeah, you,
you're really cool. ?

? You can be anything
you wanna be. ?

? Time to fly,
I'm talking to you. ?

? No hablo espa�ol. ?

? Let's see you move forward,
stand your ground. ?

? Hang in there
while you're doing it ?

? and sail away into the sunset,
baby. ?

? Dream your dreams
into the sky. ?

? Oh, yeah, you really got it,
yeah, now you really got it. ?

? Yeah, hey,
you really got it, yeah. ?

? Don't stop being cool. ?

- Hey, Cornish, how are you?
- Hey, how's it going?

Don't look so surprised.

Every year I wait
for my invitation,

and every year,
bandaversary finds me sitting alone

in Beverly Hills
or Martha's Vineyard

or the ranch in Carmel.

Do you have any idea
what that feels like?

No, it wasn't the ranch.

I lent it to Balthazar Getty
last year.

It was the villa in Santorini.

- Do you even know what that feels like?
- No.

Let me tell you something.
This year is different.

'Cause it's the Chinese
year of the Horse.

Do you know what that means?

The paper place mat
at the dumpling house

was not clear on that.

My spiritual advisor told me

that this is the year
where all my wishes come true.

And my wish is
to make you guys suffer

for kicking me out of the band.

Look, Cornish,
we've apologized like a million times.

I don't know what else to say.

Why don't you just admit
that you ruined my life?

Okay.
We did not ruin your life.

You're, like, a movie star.

Yeah, and you're so beautiful,

and you're a millionaire
probably.

- Probably? Adorable.
- And didn't you win an Oscar?

It was a Golden Globe,
and it's still a huge honor.

Okay.
And you have all your Africa stuff.

- Haiti.
- That is still good!

And you're on
all those magazine covers.

But, like,
the nice magazines at the good supermarkets.

It's all fine.

It just drives home the fact

that I don't have the one thing
that I really care about.

"Garfunkel & Oates
& Jazzy Jeff."

It is just
"Garfunkel & Oates" now.

Do you guys not hear
how weird that sounds?

I'm sorry if we hurt
your feelings,

but this is the way
it has to be.

Fine.

But, hey, guys, heads up.

Rules of the game have changed,
okay?

This is not the Cornish you
kicked to the curb years ago.

I am going to make you wish
that you never...

I got the pizza.

Bethany,
do not get all up in my jet stream

while I'm monologuing.

Just don't do it.

Well, that moment has passed,

but you catch my drift, okay?

Watch your backs.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to the recording studio.

I'm cutting an album, solo.

You guys sound like crap
without a melodica player.

Hi.
We're Garfunkel & Oates...

- & Jazzy Jeff.
- & Jazzy Jeff.

And this song is called
"you, me...

- "And Steve."
- And Steve."

Melodica solo!

No. Put it away.
I can't look at it.

Really.

She is so creepy.

- I know. She scares me.
- Me too!

Remember what happened
last time?

Yeah, she got us banned
from The Tonight Show

and our favorite Chili's.

- I miss Chili's.
- Me too.

I hope she doesn't get
all weird again.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Y'all two.

We're ready for you over here

if you want to join me
at the medicine desk.

Here you go.
Here's your paperwork.

Here you go, young man.

That's y'all's paperwork.

It's got a list
of medical afflictions.

You just circle any one
that "applies" to you all.

We'll take it from there.

Why did you say "apply"
in quotation marks?

Legally,
I'm not allowed to say.

What I can tell you...
My name.

My name is Nurse Durst.

Not registered,
but I can answer any questions you might have

except for the one
about the quotation marks.

Um... How do you know if you have
restless leg syndrome?

If you're at the club and there's,
like, a really hot beat going

and then you just like...
? Ra tum ta you know? ?

Then you definitely got it.

That one's actually
not an illness.

That's more of
like a party thing.

I don't have that.

You look great to me, honestly.

I don't see it in you.

- 'Cause you look good.
- Oh, thank you.

- How do you know...
- For a white girl.

What's Graves' disease?

Oh, that's what you get
if you're a grave robber

and you go in
and you take the body

for some sort of nefarious
scientific purpose

and then you find out that you
have some sort of fungal infection

on your fingers.

Ooh!
I have so many of these.

? Everyone knows
marijuana's dangerous, ?

? and medical pot
is really strong. ?

? That's why it's so hard
in California ?

? to get your weed card unless
something's really wrong. ?

? Gonna pay a visit
to my doctor. ?

? It's a long shot,
but I've gotta try. ?

? She hands me a list of all the
ailments I can have to qualify. ?

? Can't believe
what I am reading. ?

? This is just what
I've been needing. ?

? A government supply
to get legally high. ?

? Weed card, it's what I need. ?

? Hardly ever, okay, always. ?

? But it's not an addiction, ?

? 'cause my doctor gave me
a prescription. ?

? You can get your card
for having headaches, ?

? bad dreams or anxiety. ?

? Propensity
for drugs or alcohol. ?

? Anorexia or obesity, ?

? Too fat, too thin. ?

? Either way you win. ?

? Carpal tunnel syndrome,
color blindness, ?

? st-st-stuttering,
t-t-tooth decay. ?

? Fatigue, depression,
motion sickness, ?

? impotence or TMJ. ?

? You can smoke
to quit cigarettes, ?

? for asthma
or your Tourette's. ?

? It's a dream come true. ?

? There's nothing pot can't do. ?

? Weed card, it's what I need. ?

? Hardly ever, okay, always. ?

? But it's not an addiction, ?

? 'cause my doctor gave me
a prescription. ?

? Break it down now. ?

? Got back pain,
need Mary Jane. ?

? Can't handle this,
need cannabis. ?

? Got a stomachache,
gotta wake and bake. ?

? Have an injury, need THC. ?

? Get messed up
for your hyperhydrosis, ?

? which is sweaty palms
in case you need a diagnosis. ?

? It's not a crime,
it's 4-20 time. ?

? Weed card, it's what I need. ?

? Hardly ever, okay, always. ?

? But it's not an addiction,

? 'cause my doctor gave me
a prescription. ?

Hello, family. Focus up.

I know this is a stressful time
in your medical history.

Is anyone in the waiting room

currently driving
an Audi A3 2014?

Very nice vehicle.
All-wheel drive.

I do.

You did.

I'm so sorry for your loss,
but it's gone.

The tow truck has it now.

What?

Sorry.

But once you get
some of our product,

you don't need wheels
'cause you're gonna fly, girl.

"Enjoy your bus ride home.

#yearofthehorse"

No!

"Sent to you
from inside a Chili's."

Man!

Okay, before we begin
I have a question for you both.

Do you like my hair like this?

I've asked
some girlfriends of mine,

but I think they have
some jealousy issues

and I can't really trust
what they have to say.

I mean,
am I the sexy weed doctor

with mahogany hair
that comes down to my nipples?

Or am I the sexy weed doctor

that has mahogany hair
that comes down to my clavicle?

These things can make
all the difference.

Well, I like your hair.

I like it clavicle length.

Thank you for your honesty.

People hear you on the level
from which you speak,

and I feel like that came
from a place of love, not ego.

Cool.
So, do we sign something or...

Oh. Uh, yeah.
Just let me...

I know there's a lot on there,

but I explained it all
on the back if you want to...

Boom!

Approved.

You see that?

- That's my favorite part.
- Thank you.

Also, sister to sister,

I do think
you should be meditating.

I think you got some things
going on

that drugs will just not cure.

Oh.

This is what I listen to
when I meditate.

You want to give that a listen?

Thanks.

Okay.

Wait.
You literally didn't circle one ailment.

No.

- Miss...
- Micucci.

Micucci?

Your parents should have
named you "Sharon."

- Sharin' my coochie.
- Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna need you to find
one thing that's wrong with you

or I can't give you one.
It is the law.

Yeah.
I didn't have anything on this list.

- Really? Nothing?
- No.

No insomnia, anxiety,
lack of appetite?

No. I sleep great.
Never worry.

And I eat breakfast,
lunch, and dinner,

and then I have this new meal
I made up.

It's called
"night brunch."

Kate, there has to be something
wrong with you.

Let me show you my list.
Maybe it'll give you an idea.

- Depression, uncontrollable crying.
- No.

- Inordinately high sex drive.
- No.

Fear that there's a conspiracy
by men

to pretend I'm not a genius.

I have that.

Mm. Dry skin?

Sorry. There's nothing.

Well, then, Miss Micucci,
I'm sorry but you're denied.

You're my first.

I don't even have a stamp
for that.

If there's nothing wrong
with me,

what have I really done
in my life?

I don't know,
but want to trade?

I've got tons of stuff wrong
with me.

Yeah, I do want to trade.

Isn't life about acquiring
baggage and getting scars

and making mistakes?

Totally. That's why I'm constantly
doing all of those things.

Man, you're so
effortlessly complicated.

Oh, thank you.

This is so cool!

I wish I had one.

Could have had one.

Why didn't you just use
your acting skills?

I'm not that good of an actor.

Uh, yeah, you are.

They would not have hired you to
play the cheese in a cup girl

on Cory in the House
if you were not a great actor.

Yeah, that's true.

You should have just lied.

Well, it's just that
I'm not that...

Quick?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

I can get to anyone,
anytime, anywhere.

Know that.
Know that deep inside yourselves.

Okay, you are like
a really scary person.

That's what I was going for.

This is from Cornish.

She's so creepy.

Yeah.
I bet she could get a weed card.

"Dear skanks..."

This time I sent Bethany
to find you.

But next time,
I might send someone even scarier,

like the Crips

or that gang
that isn't the Crips.

Hey, Riki,
you know that guy Craig

you went out with last week?

I sent him a letter to tell him

how many people
you'd slept with.

- No!
- And, Kate,

I wanted to do
the same thing for you,

but I couldn't find anyone
you'd ever slept with or dated.

This is just a reminder that I can find you,
anytime, anywhere.

I am going to ruin your lives!

What the hell
are we going to do?

I don't know.

I'm really craving an apple
right now.

That's helpful.

So, for today's meditation,

we are going to focus
on our breath.

Let's begin, as always,
with the mantra.

I am pure.

I am spirit.

? Apples,
they're my favorite fruit. ?

? Apples,
they taste very good. ?

? Apples,
they're my favorite fruit. ?

All things are light.

All things are love.

Darkness cannot lessen
my light...

Hey, Riki.
Hey, Riki.

Hey, Riki.
I'm going to ruin your lives.

I'm going to ruin your lives.

I'm going to ruin your lives.

I am my mind,
which is mine but not mine.

It is yours.
It is...

Okay, I do not get meditating.

Me neither.

Meditation is like giving
a bullhorn

to all the thoughts I'd quieted
with television.

I couldn't stop thinking
about her.

Same here.

I don't know
if I'm just light-headed

or maybe still high,

but I kind of think
we should go over there

and maybe talk it out with her.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We could bring her that melodica
that we never gave to her.

Yeah.
That'll fix everything.

Yeah.

Hey, Cornish.

Cornish.

Hey, Cornish.

- Cornish.
- What?

Those girls you know are here.

Have you come
to beg my forgiveness?

No.
We came to talk things out.

Great.

I'm just in the middle
of recording my album

with my producer, Al Yankovic.

Al, come over here and join us,
okay?

Oh, my gosh, you're Weird Al!

That's amazing!

We are like your biggest fans.
We do exactly what you do.

Funny songs.

We're in a comedy band.
You're our idol.

It is so nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you.
What's the name of your band?

Garfunkel & Oates.

That make you feel good?

Belittling two rock 'n' roll
hall of famers?

I don't know what you think
you know about comedy music,

but let me tell you something.

It is not about mocking
talented artists

who are just trying to do
the best that they can.

I'm gonna take five.

You've upset Al.

We really didn't mean to.

Okay,
switching gears for a second.

I'm happy that you're here,

because I've really integrated

some of the things
that you said to me today

and it really hit home.

Um, here's the thing.

I do have everything.

I'm beautiful.
I'm gifted. I'm loved.

And I thought about you,
and I thought you have none of that.

It's like a silly band
on YouTube.

So, who cares?

What does that matter?
Let it go.

That's great.

'Cause we just want it to be
cool between us.

And we just wanted to say
we're really sorry

for the way that we kicked you
out of the band.

Thank you.

And we brought
a peace offering.

I went to the pot store
and got this pot cookie.

It's supposed to be
really strong.

Oh, that's gonna go great
with my Special K.

And we got you this.

"G&O&JJ 4-ever."

Does this mean
what I think it means?

Garfunkel & Oates & Jazzy Jeff
together again!

Yes!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

This pot cookie is really strong.

I love this part.

Don't you guys love this part?

This was always
my favorite part.

This is bad.

She...
I think she thinks...

She thinks
she's still in the band.

I know.
We have to tell her.

No.
That sounds so hard.

- She's so far away.
- I know.

I want...
I want...

- A hammock.
- What?

Yeah.
I want a schlam...

A scheschlammick.

I want a hammock
from hammicker schlammicker.

Ham.

Cornish. Cornish.

Cornish.

Cornish. Cornish.

Cornish.

- Cornish.
- Cornish.

Cornish.

Yes?

- Cornish.
- Yes?

Cornish,
you're not in the band.

What?

The melodica gesture
was just misinterpreted.

We had that for so long.

For many, many years.

We just never gave it to you.

I'm sorry.

Are you f-ing kidding me?

You're kicking me out of
the band for a second time?

Yes!

No. No.

- No.
- Same team, man!

Ow! Oh!

Come on.
No, no, that's my friend.

I thought you were my friend.

Why would you think that?

Ow!

No! No!

Year of the Horse!

Ow!

The room is spinning.

I never...

Do you feel like
we could have handled today

a little differently?

A little better?

No way.
We were so cool.

Yeah, we were pretty cool.

It's cool
being in Garfunkel & Oates.

I feel bad for her.

Yeah, but remember how bad
it was when there were three?

Yeah, she was not a good fit.

Mnh-mnh.

I feel like...

Do you want to practice
for our show?

"Weed card."

- Hey, you're on in two.
- Thanks!

How's it looking out there?

Well, you're sold out.

- Really?
- Awesome.

That's great.

Yeah, great.
Great.

Aah!

Okay, so...

"Douche" then "vagina"?
Or "vagina" then "douche"?

Kill it, Bethany.

Brava!

A sold-out performance.

I have to admit,
I'm very impressed.

I'm so confused.

Oh, you're confused?

Allow me to explain.

You see,
I bought each and every ticket

to tonight's performance.

Oh, thanks.

- Thanks?
- Yeah.

You just made us
a ton of money.

Mnh-mnh.
It doesn't work that way

because you're only playing
for one.

Yeah,
but you bought all the tickets

with money
that we now get to keep.

- Yeah, but there's no one here.
- Yeah, there's no one here.

Oh, and I also went ahead

and I bought
all of your merchandise.

So all your little fans,
they can't buy your crap.

Well, we wouldn't have sold
any merch anyway

since nobody's here,

so thanks for that.

Wow.
So, you guys are clever.

Is that like a new thing,

just anticipating
my every move?

No. We really didn't.

We kind of just showed up,
and then you gave us money.

Yeah, Cornish,
when is this gonna stop?

When you guys finally admit that
you kicked me out of the band

for no reason.

It wasn't for no reason.

I can't believe
I'm being punished

for being beautiful again.

Uh, no.

Look, you were just too dirty.

Too dirty?
For you guys?

I mean, isn't the whole point
of the band to be risque?

Risque, yeah,
but you were like really gross dirty,

like you wanted to make
that video about bodily stuff.

"Three Girls, No Cup"
was a hilarious parody.

It is a slow jam
about a diarrhea orgy.

See,
that has very limited appeal.

You guys just don't know
how to bring the funny.

- Bring the funny?
- Yeah, the funny.

You don't know how to bring it.

Okay, well, if we don't know
how to bring the funny,

then why do you want to be
in our group so badly?

Because it was the last time
I felt free.

I mean,
I'm just trapped in this life

of fame and money
and love and travel

and opportunity, great wine.

Are you still stoned?

- Are you still stoned?
- You know what, Cornish?

We knew you when your name
was still Jamie.

Ohh!

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

No!

I just feel like I'm
finally ready to go solo

as DJ Jazzy Jeff.

You might have to change
your name.

You might have to change
your name.

You know,
I've been thinking so much

about it being
the year of the Horse

and what horses mean to me
and how creative they are

and intelligent and spiritual.

I never realized this
until this moment,

but you are like
the horse of people.

I know.

And I wrote a song about it.

You want to hear the song?

I would be honored.

? One night in the stables, ?

? I decided to press my luck. ?

? I climbed up on a horse, ?

? and I said hello. ?

You are a genius.

- Has anyone ever told you that?
- Yeah, a lot of people.

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