All language subtitles for Garfunkel and Oates s01e05 Hair Swap.eng

Who is Cheryl Johnson?

I don't know. Why?

Facebook says
it's her birthday.

Should I write "Happy Birthday"
on her wall?

Not if you don't know
who she is.

I'm gonna do it anyway.

- Write it from me, then, too.
- Okay.

One exclamation point?

I'd go three.

I don't know why,
but it just feels right.

? Facebook told me
it's your birthday. ?

? I wouldn't have known
any other way, ?

? cause we coexist
in a mutually unstated ?

? unattached cohesion
that Facebook created. ?

? So I got 10 seconds,
and they're just for you, ?

? to write on your wall
like good people do. ?

? To keep our weak social tie
with minimal maintenance. ?

? Happy Birthday
to my loose acquaintance. ?

? Look through my photo album,
you're not in it. ?

? If I saw you on the street,
it would take me a minute. ?

? But I'm such a thoughtful person,
and I totally care. ?

? That's why there are
three exclamation points there. ?

? Colon parenthesis
to be more compelling. ?

? All caps so it's just
like I'm yelling! ?

? From the top of my heart,
just to keep status quo. ?

? Happy Birthday, dear person,
who I sorta know. ?

? We both know
you're not my real friend. ?

? You're a by-product
of a social networking trend. ?

? But you feel just as
indifferently about me, ?

? so there's no guilt
in our apathetic reciprocity. ?

? So if we don't talk much
or at all this year, ?

? remember I sent you
this afterthought cheer, ?

? to keep our minor affinity
with minimal maintenance. ?

? Happy Birthday
to my loose acquaintance. ?

Oh, Jenny. Look who it is!
You're those YouTube girls.

- Yeah!
- No way. We are such big fans.

- I know.
- Oh, thank you.

And my husband just adores you.

- Oh, thanks.
- You're his freebie.

I told him he could have sex with you
and I'd be cool with it. Not you.

Your shoes are so adorable.

Oh, thank you.

You're really special.
You know that?

Don't let anyone ever
make you feel like you're not.

- Bye, girls.
- Bye.

Bye.

Oh, sorry.
[ Chuckles ]

They were so nice.

To you.
Women are always nicer to you.

Well,
men are always nicer to you.

- No, they're not.
- Yeah, they are.

I can't even
get lip-kissed.

I've been on three dates with Fred,
and nothing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I feel like getting kissed

is my reward
for sitting through dinner.

- You get dinner?
- Yeah.

But for every guy
that's nice to me,

there are three women in the
corner hoping I get lupus.

Well, maybe you should just try
being sweeter to them.

I love that you think
it was my fault.

I was just standing there.

Well,
maybe I'm a friendlier person.

What does that make me?

Where is something else
we can talk about?

? You, yeah, you,
you're really cool. ?

? You can be anything
you wanna be. ?

? Time to fly,
I'm talking to you. ?

? No hablo espa�ol. ?

? Let's see you move forward,
stand your ground. ?

? Hang in there
while you're doing it, ?

? and sail away
into the sunset, baby. ?

? Dream your dreams
into the sky. ?

? Oh, yeah, you really got it,
yeah, now you really got it. ?

? Yeah, hey,
you really got it, yeah. ?

? Don't stop being cool. ?

Kate: My favorite was when
it was Family Matters,

Boy Meets World,
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch,

and Step by Step.
[ Chuckles ]

Okay. Well, my favorite TGIF
was, uh, Perfect Strangers,

Just the Ten of Us,

Mr. Belvedere,
and Full House.

- Oh, I loved Full House!
- Yeah.

If I was a deejay,
I'd call myself Deejay Tanner.

[ Laughs ]
That's funny,

because my deejay name
is Deejay Candace Cameron.

[ Both chuckle ]

[ Grunts ]

I just want to put you in my pocket,
you know?

[ Chuckles ]

- Well, good night.
- Good night.

Hey, um, thank...
Thank you for... for the hug.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Man:
What's happening, Vanzetti?

Our victim
was sodomized repeatedly

- before being decapitated and dismembered...
- Hey.

...and thrown down the river
in a garbage bag.

- Hey. How was it?
- No lip-kissing!

- What?
- Yeah. And this time, I did all the signals.

I turned toward him.
I maintained eye contact.

I gave the seductive smile.

Wait. Do the smile.

Huh.

I can't believe I stayed up
way past my bedtime for that.

Well, I'm sorry about your date.

- But I have some good news.
- What?

I got the part in the horror
movie I auditioned for.

- The First Door on the Right?
- Yes.

- Oh, my God. That's great!
- Thank you.

But I have to be brunette
for the part.

Oh. Well,
at least you don't have to be naked.

No, I have to be naked, too,
but a naked brunette.

I just don't know how I'm gonna
make brown hair sexy.

Brown hair is sexy. I mean,
what about Elizabeth Taylor?

Joyce DeWitt?

Brown hair works for you,

but you've got you're whole,
like, adorable thing going on.

I'm not adorable.
Am I adorable?

You're like a penguin
in an indie band.

Wait.
Is that why I'm not getting kissed?

Do you think I would get kissed
if I were a blond?

- Yeah. I kind of do.
- Huh.

Do you think girls would be
nicer to me if I was a brunette?

I don't know.
Never really thought about it.

Usually just stay in my own lane,
do my own thing.

Okay.
I have to get a wig for the movie.

Do you want to come to
the wig shop with me?

- To help you pick out a wig?
- No. So you can get a wig.

Oh, yeah. What color?

Blond.

Magda: Yeah, well, you parked
your piece-of-crap hatchback

in my space again, Connie.

You do that again,
I'm gonna get creative with my keys.

Hi. I'm from The First Door on the Right.
I need my wig.

- Oh, the brown one?
- Mm-hmm.

- You can't pull that off.
- Thank you.

I need one, too.
I want her hair.

You definitely
can't pull that off.

- Kate, what are you doing?
- Nothing.

- Why did you leave without me?
- Oh, sorry.

I don't know what I was thinking.
This is so weird.

We should go try out these wigs
at Karen's Chicken Club.

Oh, can't we
cancel Chicken Club?

I feel like I never connected
with Karen.

She's paying us $500
to play one song.

I just connected with Karen.

? Garfunkel and Oates! ?

Oh, I'm so glad you could come.

- Yay!
- Thank you for having us.

What's... What's going on
with the cool new looks?

Oh, mine's for a movie.

Mine's so I can get kissed.

Oh, fantastic.

Well, I think it's...
It's a really big swing.

Good for you, you know?
Taking a risk.

There she is! Hi! Mwah!

- How are you?
- I'm good. I'm good.

I got here.
Hey! How are you?

- Hi. I'm Riki.
- Hi, I'm Kate.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, do you not know who I am?

You wished me Happy Birthday
on Facebook yesterday.

With the three
exclamation points?

I'm Cheryl, Cheryl Johnson.

- Hi.
- We've met... five times.

Okay. Yeah.

Happy Birthday.

? You say hello,
and I say hello back. ?

? You say it's nice to see me again,
crap. ?

? This conversation
just keeps going. ?

? Want to get through this
without you knowing. ?

? You can see it in my eyes,
my calculating stupid lies. ?

? You look at me so appalled, ?

? 'cause I don't recognize you
at all. ?

? Now, am I an asshole,
or are you just boring? ?

? 'Cause one of these two things
must be true. ?

? Am I self-absorbed, preoccupied,
and shockingly bitchy? ?

? Or is there just nothing
memorable about you? ?

? Well, even if I'm arrogant
and totally lame, ?

? I'm still betting
on the latter, ?

? 'cause I don't
know your name. ?

? I don't know who you are,
I don't have a freaking clue. ?

? So get a catchphrase,
get an accent, ?

? mess your face up
with a tattoo. ?

? Okay, so fine,
so now you know that I don't know. ?

? So there you go,
you don't even look a little familiar to me. ?

? And I blame you. ?

? I blame you. ?

? Now, am I a jerk,
or are you just "blugh"? ?

? Hey, I think that question
is pretty fair. ?

? Now, you're looking at me
like I just drop-kicked a baby. ?

? But I won't remember you anyway,
so I don't care. ?

? You're overwhelming
averageness is such a drag, ?

? so fix the situation
or wear a name tag. ?

? I don't know who you are,
not even a little bit. ?

? So carry nunchucks,
adopt a black kid ?

? to make people give a shit. ?

? Okay, so fine,
so now you know that I don't know. ?

? So there you go,
you don't even look a little familiar to me. ?

? And I blame you. ?

? I blame you. ?

? I blame you. ?

? And I blame you. ?

[ Applause ]

Did you guys write that song
about me?

- No.
- No. Not specifically.

Like, the collective you,
but not you.

- Yeah, no, you...
- No.

Mm! Carrots. So this is how
they do chicken in Norway?

Yeah, it is.
It's called fjundemurm.

Oh!
Well, this is good fjundemurm.

- Oh, good!
- Oh!

[ Chuckles, sighs ]

So, Riki, the last time I saw you,
you were all "blah."

But you're looking
a little better.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

- Are you still single?
- Yeah.

Yeah. That figures.

But you're gonna
meet someone great.

You know, just a little tip.

The minute I stopped looking
is when I met Paul.

But you were on eHarmony,
right?

So you were, like,
specifically looking.

You know what I mean.

Kate.

So, uh, which dish is yours?

I call it the
"which came first?" quiche

because it's got
both the chicken and the egg.

Or you could call it
"the mother-daughter reunion"

because it's like the chicken
being reunited with her egg

and they're like, you know,
back together.

That's a really tasteless joke,
Kate.

You know that Donna
just had a miscarriage.

- Don't you read the e-mails?
- I didn't know.

- Riki, can I talk to you about something?
- Yeah.

You know the chicken I made?

The fjundemurm?

That's not really
a recipe from Norway.

It's just a can of mushroom soup
poured over some leftover KFC.

And fjundemurm is, like,
pretty obviously a nonsense word.

God,
it's like I want to get caught.

- Yeah, it is. Why?
- I don't know!

I've been telling
so many pointless lies lately.

I mean, the other day,
at the supermarket,

I told the checkout girl
that I was planning a lawn party

where everyone
was gonna be playing badminton.

Why did I say that?
I don't even have a badminton net!

Oh, God.
It feels really good to tell you this.

I don't know why.
I just feel like I can, like, open up to you.

- Really?
- Hey, guys. What's up?

- Nothing. No, don't worry about it, Kate.
- Oh.

Hey, Kar. I know you're coming
to my birthday party later.

Of course!
Right after badminton!

You should come.

There's gonna be lots
of cute single guys there.

Okay. Yeah, totally.
That sounds great.

Oh, yeah, you can come, too,
Kate...

If you can remember my name.

C... Cheryl?

Yeah. Fine.

- Cool shoes, Riki.
- Oh, thank you.

Okay, what is going on?

- I don't know.
- Karen just, like, spilled her guts to me,

and she's never said anything
to be before except, like, "hi."

It's got to be the hair.

You know, I just tried a really
funny pun joke over there,

and nobody laughed.

Kate, there's no such thing
as a really funny pun joke.

Mm. You know what?
We should go try out this hair on some guys.

Cheers.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Here's to being a classic blond
and brunette duo tonight.

Like we always are
but in reverse.

- That is a good point.
- Ladies, are these spots taken?

- No. Hi.
- Hi.

- We're in the pet chow business.
- Don't lead with that, Charlie.

- I'm sorry.
- We discussed it.

- It's not sexy.
- I think it is.

We take hungry animals,
and we make them less hungry.

- Oh!
- Before that, we find synthetic ways

of mimicking salmon and pork...

Okay, we don't use
the word "synthetic"

when we're talking
to beautiful ladies.

Oh. Uh, what do you do?

Anything I want, usually.
[ Chuckles ]

No.
I meant, like, as a job.

Like, what do you do as like...
I'm sorry. Was I not clear?

- Oh.
- I just thought we were...

No, you were clear.
'Cause we were talking about our jobs.

- Yeah.
- We figured...

I'm a comedian/actress.

- Um...
- Yeah.

- That's okay.
- Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah.

Um...

But what I really want to do

is I want to
open a grilled cheese restaurant

where all the waiters are puppets
and I call it the Felt and Melt.

[ Chuckles ]
Wow. That's really creative.

- Really?
- Yeah, I love that.

- Thank you.
- That is a... That is a good idea.

- That's a good idea.
- I'd go there. Yeah. Hats off.

- Good idea.
- Yeah, let's go to Felt and Melt.

I like paddle boats.

- I love paddle boats.
- Are you kidding?

- He loves paddle boats.
- Are you kidding?

- We paddle.
- Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice

that you were not paying attention to me,
and that is not acceptable.

I actually was staring at you
the entire time.

I had to look away.
I felt bad. What do you do?

Mm, anything I want, usually.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh-ho.
Watch out, Jordan.

Also, I will be drinking
anything I want tonight,

and you are paying for it.

And you are welcome
for my company.

Oh, hey, hey.

Round of lemon drops
coming right up.

- All right. These are ours.
- Hold these.

- Don't give them away.
- Okay.

I did not want a lemon drop,
but, okay, kind of fun.

- You just did a great job at being me.
- Really?

- Yes!
- I was just, like, trying to be really small

- and make my mouth... It was... Yeah?
- No.

- It was really good.
- Really? Yours was good, too.

- Really? Thank you.
- Yeah.

- I felt like you were in a wind machine.
- I was just like, "oh, thank you."

Yeah. It was hot.

One thing.
I don't really like paddle boats.

No, you know the boats
that you paddle with your feet?

- Oh, yep. No, I do like those. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh!
- Whoo!

- Whoa.
- Whoo!

I'm not saying that old people
should eat our dog food.

I'm just saying that they do.

And if grandma has any complaints,
I haven't seen them.

She likes them on crackers,
and I'm okay with that.

60% of our most popular brand

is made out of cardboard pulp
anyway.

- Okay, don't tell them that.
- Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that science bores you,
you know?

It's not science.

I like cardboard.
I used to eat cardboard, probably.

Oh! See, there you go.
Come on. She eats cardboard.

- This is great.
- You know what?

People eat spiders
without knowing about it.

And crayons.

I have noticed that you haven't
told me how pretty I am.

And most people would by now,
so...

I'm sorry.
You are really pretty.

I know. Mm-hmm.

- I know you know.
- Mm-hmm.

I was the third-strongest person
in my class

for two years in a row,

and I never stop
talking about it.

Get out of town.
I was the second.

- Really?
- Yes, I was.

That was fun.

Well, I am a feminist
revolutionary.

Like a time traveler?
[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh! My car's here.

Oh.

Um, do you want to walk me out?

Yeah. No, yes.
Yes, of course. Yeah, yeah.

No. Uh, Jordan,
I'll see you later.

- Yeah.
- Break a leg.

- I'll try.
- See you, guys.

So, you guys are in a band?

Yeah. Yeah.
It's funny.

I only know like four chords and
I make my living playing guitar.

Yeah, you know, I, uh,
I used to be in an indie band in college.

And then, like, one day,
I was just looking around,

and I was just like,
"oh, five guys want to do this?"

I mean,
"this is gonna work out."

This ska/funk/Weezer thing
we were trying to do.

- Oh, no. Ska?
- Yeah. Yeah, I know.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I just...

You know, I love checkerboards.
You know?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
[ Laughs ]

Uh, I had a lot of fun tonight.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Well, I got dogs.

And I got to go feed them,
so, I'll see you around.

Okay.

Yeah.
You're real adorable, though.

Thanks.

[ Light switch clicks ]

Whoa! Cool place.

This is really nice.

Thank you.
It's my grandmother's.

You have a pizza oven.

Actually,
that's just a regular fireplace,

but we could do pizzas
in there.

- That's fun.
- Do you have any Fun Dip?

- The children's candy?
- Yeah.

Probably not.

But we could go for a fun dip
in my hot tub if you want.

Uh, it's actually
past my bedtime.

Well, then we should probably
get you into bed, right?

[ Moaning ]

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Kate?

[ Snoring ]

Kate?

Mm.

Kate!

[ Sighs ]

Devastating.

Guys, we got like 20 scenes
to shoot today.

We're burning daylight.
Hot points.

Give me a half-apple tweenie
right over there, the barn door.

Okay. Thank you.

Just saying
random movie set words.

Fantastiche!
Let's shoot this!

Come on!
You feeling good?

Yeah.

Okay.
Bring in the fire troll, sir.

Thank you, Rio.

Ready? And action!

[ Screaming ]

Okay, you're running around.
You're scared.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great, great, great. Oh, God.
Trip. Yeah, that's good.

- Run around in the hay.
- Aah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good. That's real good.

That's so good.

Throw the hay at him.
Throw the hay.

You're gonna die.

Dialogue.

Oh. Oh, my God.
Gregory?

Is that you?

All right, choke her.
[ Imitates choking ]

Spit out your tongue
like Jabba the Hutt.

Stick it, like, far left.

Now go far right
with the tongue.

Go back and forth
like six times.

One. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Shake your hips
while you're doing it.

Uh, and cut!

Okay. Cut.

Not, not, not, not feeling it.

Oh.

Okay. Okay. All right.
Okay. Okay.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

That was so good.
Thank you.

We're having a bit of
a continuity problem...

Oh.

- ...with... With your nipples.
- Oh.

In rehearsal,
you did this really great thing

where they looked really,
like, scared, you know?

- Yeah.
- And now they look...

Like... Like puffy?

Yeah, puffy.
Yeah, yeah.

Please. Come on.
Some decency here.

Um, they look --
It's almost like

your nipples got home
and they took a bong hit

and called their buddy Trevor
over

and they're playing Xbox
and they ordered some pad thai.

They're like that.
That's not good.

- Oh.
- Guys... In fact, Dan, come over here.

Wardrobe, hair.
Cecil, please come here.

Let's just talk
for a second here.

How do we...
How do we fix this?

Clothespins. Like, maybe ice.
Like, a wire.

Maybe, like,
we rub a wire on them.

Do we have...
I know this sounds weird...

Like a small mouse trap?

I got a cold can of Squirt.

Bring it over here.

- Oh, hi.
- Jordan: Hi.

- 10 hours good enough?
- Yeah.

I had the best dream
about a fish,

and he couldn't find his friend,
the tugboat captain.

Then they were reunited
under a rainbow.

Isn't that sweet?

That's great.
That is the best dream.

Do you remember what happened
last night?

Did I tap dance in my sleep
again?

No.

- That happens?
- Sometimes.

You fell asleep
while we were having sex.

Well, I warned you
it was past my bedtime.

No, that is not okay.

When one human being is doing
his best with what he has,

the other human being
should not fall asleep.

It's very emasculating!

Well, I was tired.

I mean,
what did you want me to do,

force myself to stay awake
when I didn't feel like it?

Yes! That's what we do!
That's the social contract!

We force ourselves
to stay awake!

We don't fall asleep
when we're talking to people

or when we're driving a car

or when we're having sex
with someone!

You made me into
an accidental rapist.

Now I feel like I have to
stop a rape from happening

just to get back to zero
on the rape scale.

I felt your vagina fall asleep
on my penis!

That's a new sensation.

There's coffee!

Hey.
What's going on with these guys?

I'm sorry. I... I don't know.
They just gave out.

It's really hot in here.
So unprofessional.

Gator. Listen. I just...
The scene's not working, you know?

It's just not alive.

Well, I have an idea.
Can I try something?

- Anything at this point.
- Okay.

What if it was more like...

This?

[ Snaps fingers ]

I think I'm looking at Kaitlin.

- Really? Oh! Good!
- Yes! Oh, great job.

- Oh, my God. This is fantastic.
- Good!

I mean, what dumb-ass decided to
put you in a dowdy brown wig?

- It was your idea. You fought the studio on it.
- No, it wasn't. I did not.

You threatened to walk
if you didn't get your way.

No, that's not true.
It doesn't matter.

We're gonna shoot the whole thing
again from the top like this.

Don't worry about continuity.
They can be as relaxed as they want.

- Thank you.
- Mwah!

- Fantastic. Thank you.
- Thank you.

If you ever embarrass me
like that in front of my crew,

I swear to Christ
I will execute you.

Man: Ma'am, calm down.
Calm down, ma'am.

Okay, see that super hot girl
in the back?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- She did it.

- You think so?
- Yeah, she's way too pretty to be an extra.

- That's her. Mm-hmm.
- Good point.

- I don't know how you do it.
- Hmm?

Being a blond
is so much pressure.

If I can't be myself,
it's not worth it.

Falling asleep during sex
and being yourself

are not the same thing.

To me, it is.
I missed being a brunette.

I just wanted to go back
to people telling me

that they like my shoes
all the time.

I missed being a blond

but mostly because it goes
better with my translucent skin.

- Mm-hmm.
- Was your husband using drugs...

You know, I'm starting to wonder
if our whole premise was flawed.

I don't think
I learned anything

other than the fact
that neither of us

are super convincing
in mid-price wigs.

You know,
I don't think I learned anything, either.

I mean, maybe I just got to
have sex because I was wasted.

Maybe my pun joke
really wasn't that funny.

You know, actually,
I don't even think it was a pun.

Yeah, maybe that guy
really did have dogs.

And maybe my nipples just
don't look good with brown.

We'll find out who murdered your husband
and put them behind bars.

Okay,
I do not get this episode at all.

It literally makes no sense.

I know.
I don't get it.

I can't believe
they let us return those wigs.

What are they gonna do
with a used wig?

Make merkins?
[ Both laugh ]

- Ew!
- Cheryl: Hey, guys!

Hey!

- Hi!
- Oh, my God. Hey!

Oh, my God.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You guys.

Oh, you guys went back
to your regular hair.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. It was time.

- You know?
- Just feels right like this.

Looks really good.
You look really pretty.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Hmm. You're welcome.
Let's get together.

- Let's do a girls' night.
- Sure.

- That'd be awesome.
- Let's do it. Totally.

I text you, you call me, or...?

- Perfect.
- Text us. Send us a text. Yeah.

Okay. Super duper done.
Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Okay, who was that?
- I have no idea.

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