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1
00:00:07,577 --> 00:00:11,013
? If we combine our efforts,
there's nothing we can't do. ?
2
00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:13,587
? You'll support me,
but first, I'll support you. ?
3
00:00:13,624 --> 00:00:16,626
? You go first
and I'll take the rest. ?
4
00:00:16,667 --> 00:00:20,202
? It'll all work out
for the best. ?
5
00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:22,008
? It's on the ground. ?
6
00:00:22,046 --> 00:00:24,013
? It's like it's here to... ?
7
00:00:24,051 --> 00:00:26,619
Five hours outside the city
is not "just outside" the city.
8
00:00:26,656 --> 00:00:28,624
We've driven a lot longer
than five hours for a show.
9
00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:30,729
It's just not how I pictured
our 1,000th show.
10
00:00:30,766 --> 00:00:32,601
Is this our 1,000th show?
11
00:00:32,639 --> 00:00:33,838
Around there.
12
00:00:33,873 --> 00:00:35,007
Oh, my gosh.
13
00:00:35,043 --> 00:00:37,812
I can't wait
to do the next 1,000.
14
00:00:37,850 --> 00:00:39,784
Man: It's five
with a double play
15
00:00:39,821 --> 00:00:42,022
as Bressman leads with his chin
and regains...
16
00:00:42,060 --> 00:00:43,428
No. No.
17
00:00:43,463 --> 00:00:45,164
- Now?
- No.
18
00:00:45,201 --> 00:00:46,835
No.
19
00:00:46,871 --> 00:00:49,240
- No, you're just... Kate, you're blinking.
- I'm winking.
20
00:00:49,278 --> 00:00:50,945
'90s bands that sound like vaginas.
Go.
21
00:00:50,982 --> 00:00:52,582
- Hole.
- Bush.
22
00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:54,219
- Candlebox.
- Smash Mouth.
23
00:00:54,256 --> 00:00:56,223
- Hole.
- You said that first.
24
00:00:56,261 --> 00:00:58,162
? My game possibilities
are endless, ?
25
00:00:58,199 --> 00:00:59,967
? and I just feel
really pretty. ?
26
00:01:00,003 --> 00:01:01,037
- No.
- Did I wink?
27
00:01:01,073 --> 00:01:03,440
No. No.
28
00:01:03,478 --> 00:01:05,012
- Did I do it now?
- No.
29
00:01:05,050 --> 00:01:08,017
- You literally are going like this.
- Did I do it?
30
00:01:08,056 --> 00:01:09,490
Want to sing the Growing Pains
theme song again?
31
00:01:09,526 --> 00:01:10,493
Okay.
32
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,197
One, two, three, four.
33
00:01:12,233 --> 00:01:13,567
? Show... ?
[ Tires screech ]
34
00:01:13,603 --> 00:01:14,869
Oh, we're here.
35
00:01:14,906 --> 00:01:16,139
All right.
36
00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:17,743
So, we'll need you back here
around 10:15
37
00:01:17,779 --> 00:01:19,681
and we put you on the list,
38
00:01:19,717 --> 00:01:21,984
so if you want to come to the show,
you're more...
39
00:01:22,024 --> 00:01:23,725
- Hey, wait! Hold on! Wait!
- Where are you going?
40
00:01:23,761 --> 00:01:26,529
- Oh. I can't believe he left.
- We shouldn't have paid him.
41
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,501
I don't think you're supposed to
pay drivers in advance.
42
00:01:28,539 --> 00:01:29,539
I thought that was prostitutes.
43
00:01:29,574 --> 00:01:31,709
I think it's both.
44
00:01:33,651 --> 00:01:36,353
? You, yeah, you,
you're really cool. ?
45
00:01:36,391 --> 00:01:38,259
? You can be anything
you wanna be. ?
46
00:01:38,296 --> 00:01:41,231
? Dream your dreams
into the sky. ?
47
00:01:41,270 --> 00:01:43,837
? Oh, yeah, you really got it,
yeah, now you really got it. ?
48
00:01:43,876 --> 00:01:45,477
? Yeah, hey,
you really got it, yeah. ?
49
00:01:45,513 --> 00:01:47,881
? Don't stop being cool. ?
50
00:01:47,918 --> 00:01:49,286
Why does this always
happen to us?
51
00:01:49,322 --> 00:01:50,955
I don't know.
52
00:01:50,993 --> 00:01:52,927
We need more of that Morgan Freeman stuff,
you know?
53
00:01:52,964 --> 00:01:55,032
- Freckles?
- Gravitas.
54
00:01:55,069 --> 00:01:56,770
[ Deep voice ] Andy Dufresne.
[ Both chuckle ]
55
00:01:56,808 --> 00:01:57,808
[ Car horn honks ]
Oh. Oh.
56
00:01:57,843 --> 00:02:00,244
- Ugh!
- Oh, come on.
57
00:02:00,282 --> 00:02:04,218
Ugh! Shouldn't you two
be in a kitchen somewhere?
58
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,792
What are you doing here,
Dennis?
59
00:02:05,829 --> 00:02:07,963
What do you think I'm doing?
I'm protesting you guys.
60
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,935
Came all the way up
from New York.
61
00:02:09,973 --> 00:02:12,674
Normally I limit my protesting
to within the five boroughs,
62
00:02:12,712 --> 00:02:15,313
but I decided...
63
00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:18,554
"Dames R Lame."
This stuff's really gonna connect.
64
00:02:18,593 --> 00:02:22,963
I decided that I'd make
an exception for you, Baby Bones.
65
00:02:23,003 --> 00:02:24,537
Why do you call me Baby Bones?
66
00:02:24,575 --> 00:02:26,676
Why do I call you Baby Bones?
Are you serious?
67
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:29,348
Look. I'm just saying
what everyone else is thinking.
68
00:02:29,385 --> 00:02:32,020
You're always standing there
real small.
69
00:02:32,058 --> 00:02:34,026
You got your miniature guitar,
70
00:02:34,063 --> 00:02:36,164
you got your doll clothes
71
00:02:36,202 --> 00:02:38,870
and your semi-calcified
baby bones
72
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,543
that I could just snap
like that.
73
00:02:41,581 --> 00:02:42,949
Also I call you Baby Bones
74
00:02:42,985 --> 00:02:44,786
so I don't have to call you
Sad Turtle.
75
00:02:44,823 --> 00:02:47,391
Oh, poor Sad Turtle.
76
00:02:47,429 --> 00:02:49,596
Hey, check out the sign I made.
77
00:02:49,634 --> 00:02:51,935
"When you should give up,
give up
78
00:02:51,973 --> 00:02:56,811
"or probably just admit
maybe you should get a real job.
79
00:02:56,852 --> 00:02:59,554
"Also, men are better.
80
00:02:59,592 --> 00:03:01,860
Notice
no one is laughing."
81
00:03:01,897 --> 00:03:04,231
Okay, I feel like that could
have been worded better.
82
00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:05,803
No, I don't think so.
Hey! Ho!
83
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,640
Hey!
Get away from there!
84
00:03:07,677 --> 00:03:09,744
- Boycott women comics.
- Don't listen to him!
85
00:03:09,782 --> 00:03:11,516
- Make sandwiches, not jokes.
- No, that's our show.
86
00:03:11,553 --> 00:03:13,955
Women should be in the kitchen,
not on stage.
87
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,461
Dennis,
can't you just do that online?
88
00:03:15,497 --> 00:03:16,763
That's what Twitter's for.
89
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,034
I'm gonna protest you guys
so hard.
90
00:03:19,071 --> 00:03:20,372
You guys are screwed.
91
00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,376
[ Scoffs ]
92
00:03:22,413 --> 00:03:24,681
This is why
I'm so sick of touring.
93
00:03:24,719 --> 00:03:26,419
I think we need
our imaginary fan.
94
00:03:26,455 --> 00:03:27,923
- I guess.
- We do.
95
00:03:27,959 --> 00:03:29,627
[ Engine turns over ]
Let's call her Laura.
96
00:03:29,665 --> 00:03:31,533
- Okay.
- Okay, what do we know about Laura?
97
00:03:31,569 --> 00:03:32,936
- Um...
- Um...
98
00:03:32,972 --> 00:03:35,073
Laura drove eight hours to see us,
okay?
99
00:03:35,110 --> 00:03:36,877
And, uh, she's totally broke.
100
00:03:36,915 --> 00:03:39,216
Yeah, and she spent all her
money on a ticket for tonight.
101
00:03:39,254 --> 00:03:41,688
And she knows every word
to every song.
102
00:03:41,725 --> 00:03:44,461
And her son has leukemia.
103
00:03:44,499 --> 00:03:47,568
I mean, that's dark,
but it'll work.
104
00:03:47,607 --> 00:03:49,575
- Doing it for Laura.
- Okay.
105
00:03:52,652 --> 00:03:55,588
Well, this looks like
every place ever.
106
00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:57,961
Yeah.
Look on the bright side.
107
00:03:57,999 --> 00:04:00,133
- What's that?
- I don't know.
108
00:04:00,170 --> 00:04:01,537
Isn't that supposed to be
your job?
109
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,442
Girls, welcome
to Chuckle Sandwich.
110
00:04:03,479 --> 00:04:05,046
I'm Andrew, the owner.
111
00:04:05,083 --> 00:04:07,484
This is the house of mirth
that my mother bequeathed to me.
112
00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:09,123
Which one of you is Garfield?
113
00:04:09,159 --> 00:04:10,526
I'm Garfunkel.
114
00:04:10,562 --> 00:04:12,062
And I'm Oates
'cause if I'm not careful,
115
00:04:12,099 --> 00:04:13,366
I'll have a mustache.
116
00:04:13,402 --> 00:04:15,303
Eh, kind of looks like
you weren't careful.
117
00:04:15,341 --> 00:04:17,908
There's a couple things
I want to talk to you about.
118
00:04:17,947 --> 00:04:20,149
The first one is,
I've got a note.
119
00:04:20,186 --> 00:04:22,020
Oh, someone sent us a note?
120
00:04:22,057 --> 00:04:23,958
Mnh-mnh.
A creative note.
121
00:04:23,994 --> 00:04:25,594
I used to be a stand-up
122
00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,867
before I became
a respected businessman,
123
00:04:27,904 --> 00:04:29,838
so I know
what I'm talking about.
124
00:04:29,876 --> 00:04:32,210
I was kind of
an early-Hedberg-meets-Cosby
125
00:04:32,247 --> 00:04:35,116
with a heavy Richard Pryor influence,
you know?
126
00:04:35,156 --> 00:04:37,090
Anyways, here's the note.
127
00:04:37,127 --> 00:04:39,762
Please no material
about your periods.
128
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,366
What is that?
129
00:04:41,403 --> 00:04:44,271
This is the other thing I wanted
to run up your flagpole.
130
00:04:44,310 --> 00:04:47,044
I want to propose
to my girlfriend tonight.
131
00:04:47,083 --> 00:04:49,150
Yeah, Jennifer Ashley Perkins.
132
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,956
Real World: Tampa.
133
00:04:50,993 --> 00:04:53,429
Breakout star of that season.
Everybody hated her.
134
00:04:53,466 --> 00:04:57,402
Her catch phrase was "whaaat"?
135
00:04:57,443 --> 00:04:59,509
- No. Sorry.
- Never saw it.
136
00:04:59,546 --> 00:05:01,580
Anyways, I'm thinking
about half-way through your set.
137
00:05:01,618 --> 00:05:02,985
- What do you think?
- What?
138
00:05:03,021 --> 00:05:04,388
You want to propose on stage
during our show?
139
00:05:04,424 --> 00:05:05,925
Yeah, yeah.
She's not gonna see it coming.
140
00:05:05,963 --> 00:05:08,631
She has no idea whatsoever
this is gonna happen.
141
00:05:08,669 --> 00:05:10,470
Yeah, she's not even a fan
of musical comedy.
142
00:05:10,507 --> 00:05:12,108
- That's really romantic.
- Right?
143
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,279
- Um, where's the green room?
- Back there.
144
00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:15,516
Uh, you'll be sharing that
with your opener,
145
00:05:15,552 --> 00:05:16,852
Flaming Michael Carson.
146
00:05:16,888 --> 00:05:18,322
He does... I don't know,
147
00:05:18,358 --> 00:05:21,026
wizard tricks on a calculator
or something.
148
00:05:21,065 --> 00:05:22,933
Oh, I love calculator magic.
149
00:05:22,970 --> 00:05:24,638
- Do you?
- Yeah.
150
00:05:24,675 --> 00:05:26,642
To be honest with you,
we tried to get you a stronger opener,
151
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:29,515
but, uh, you know, we didn't.
152
00:05:31,190 --> 00:05:32,790
Why does everyone think
we talk about our periods?
153
00:05:32,827 --> 00:05:34,227
I don't know.
154
00:05:34,263 --> 00:05:35,964
But I think mine's coming really soon,
though.
155
00:05:36,001 --> 00:05:37,836
Oh, my God.
I have mine right now.
156
00:05:37,873 --> 00:05:39,207
And I'm just like,
"don't they make bigger tampons than this?"
157
00:05:39,243 --> 00:05:40,543
I know.
One time I was at this water park,
158
00:05:40,579 --> 00:05:42,347
and there was
this little trail of blood
159
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,052
- just, like, following me down the water slide.
- Oh, I hate that.
160
00:05:44,088 --> 00:05:45,521
I also hate it when it's,
like, chunky,
161
00:05:45,558 --> 00:05:47,025
and you're like,
"um, did I just miscarry?"
162
00:05:47,062 --> 00:05:48,395
I don't know why guys
are grossed out by it, though.
163
00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:49,431
- It's just blood.
- I don't know.
164
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:51,468
My boobs feel so huge, though.
165
00:05:51,505 --> 00:05:52,472
Do they look bigger to you?
166
00:05:52,507 --> 00:05:55,442
Yeah, they do.
167
00:05:55,483 --> 00:05:57,650
I'm so excited
about this calculator magician.
168
00:05:57,688 --> 00:05:59,389
- You are?
- Yeah!
169
00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:04,901
Hey.
We're here to sound check.
170
00:06:04,938 --> 00:06:07,273
Hey. Tom. Not that anyone's
gonna remember my name.
171
00:06:07,310 --> 00:06:08,277
Whatever.
172
00:06:08,312 --> 00:06:09,578
Okay, Tom.
173
00:06:09,616 --> 00:06:11,717
Uh, we have a CD
that we rap over.
174
00:06:11,754 --> 00:06:13,222
Ooh, a CD.
175
00:06:13,258 --> 00:06:16,794
Kick ass, Ally Sheedy.
This is really cutting edge.
176
00:06:16,833 --> 00:06:18,534
Did you burn this on your Mac?
177
00:06:18,570 --> 00:06:21,605
How do I know what track
to play on this thing?
178
00:06:21,645 --> 00:06:23,412
Okay, there's only one track
on there and we will cue you.
179
00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:24,682
Yeah, we'll be like,
180
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,920
"hey, we're bad at giving hand jobs.
Hit it, Tom."
181
00:06:26,958 --> 00:06:28,391
- Hand jobs?
- Mm-hmm.
182
00:06:28,428 --> 00:06:29,695
Ug.
183
00:06:29,731 --> 00:06:31,398
Okay.
184
00:06:31,435 --> 00:06:33,269
Also, there's only one mic up there,
but we need two.
185
00:06:33,306 --> 00:06:35,975
Hey, can you step off my jock for,
like, two seconds, bossy?
186
00:06:36,012 --> 00:06:39,481
Yeah.
But we still need a mic.
187
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,221
So, can you...
Can you get that for us?
188
00:06:41,258 --> 00:06:42,625
Yeah.
189
00:06:42,662 --> 00:06:44,830
'Cause there's two of us.
190
00:06:44,868 --> 00:06:46,068
Oh, it'll happen.
191
00:06:46,104 --> 00:06:47,871
Like, now?
192
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,377
Do you just get off
on hassling a fellow artist?
193
00:06:50,414 --> 00:06:53,116
Man, I could be touring
with D.M.B. right now.
194
00:06:53,154 --> 00:06:56,122
You were the sound guy
for the Dave Matthews Band?
195
00:06:58,099 --> 00:06:59,934
I sold nitrous balloons
in the parking lot.
196
00:06:59,970 --> 00:07:01,504
That sounds great.
197
00:07:01,542 --> 00:07:05,177
Um, we... We need two mics
and we go on in an hour.
198
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,751
So what can we do?
How do we make this happen?
199
00:07:06,787 --> 00:07:07,987
Whoa, hey, hey, hey, yo.
200
00:07:08,024 --> 00:07:10,425
Hey, I don't know how
they do this in the "fly to" states,
201
00:07:10,462 --> 00:07:12,763
but here,
we don't do it by barking at people.
202
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,334
You know, I quit.
203
00:07:16,391 --> 00:07:19,222
That's definitely not the number
I was thinking of.
204
00:07:19,260 --> 00:07:20,294
Are you messing around
with my head?
205
00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:21,764
I'm not messing...
206
00:07:21,801 --> 00:07:23,167
I don't like volunteers
who go on their own path.
207
00:07:23,203 --> 00:07:25,972
It's called magic,
not my... my-gic.
208
00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:28,277
- Hey.
- Oh, hey. What did the manager say?
209
00:07:28,316 --> 00:07:29,983
He said the sound guy quits
all the time and he'll be back.
210
00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:32,422
I just don't know where
we're gonna get another mic.
211
00:07:32,459 --> 00:07:34,327
There used to be a music store.
212
00:07:34,364 --> 00:07:35,597
Then Big Mart came in.
213
00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:37,969
And then that closed
because of toxic mold.
214
00:07:38,006 --> 00:07:40,007
- That's your number, right?
- No.
215
00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:41,445
Michael,
is there another store?
216
00:07:41,481 --> 00:07:42,647
No.
217
00:07:42,683 --> 00:07:44,951
- That's your number.
- No.
218
00:07:44,989 --> 00:07:46,857
Th... There's only
a certain amount of numbers,
219
00:07:46,894 --> 00:07:48,060
a finite amount of them.
220
00:07:48,097 --> 00:07:49,464
- That one?
- That one looks like it.
221
00:07:49,501 --> 00:07:51,201
- Yes!
- Sort of have the same shape.
222
00:07:51,237 --> 00:07:53,539
- You know that breeze you're feeling?
- Mm-hmm.
223
00:07:53,576 --> 00:07:55,043
It's your mind being blown.
224
00:07:55,079 --> 00:07:56,547
- Oh.
- Whoo!
225
00:07:56,584 --> 00:07:57,584
Ooh, I feel it.
226
00:07:57,620 --> 00:07:59,220
I feel a little excitement.
227
00:07:59,256 --> 00:08:01,524
Hey, Michael.
How long is your act?
228
00:08:01,561 --> 00:08:03,829
Oh, it's not long.
It's a cool 30.
229
00:08:03,868 --> 00:08:05,236
It's like a tight 35.
230
00:08:05,271 --> 00:08:07,572
I won't go over 40
no matter what.
231
00:08:07,610 --> 00:08:10,012
Seen that before?
It's pi.
232
00:08:10,050 --> 00:08:11,616
I know who has a mic.
233
00:08:11,653 --> 00:08:12,953
[ Chuckles ]
234
00:08:12,989 --> 00:08:15,425
I knew you'd come crying
to Uncle Dennis.
235
00:08:15,463 --> 00:08:18,565
Please, Dennis. We wouldn't ask
if we weren't super desperate.
236
00:08:18,604 --> 00:08:19,938
Yeah, and you don't need it
anyway.
237
00:08:19,974 --> 00:08:22,442
You have such a deep, manly,
booming voice.
238
00:08:22,479 --> 00:08:24,814
Thanks, "hot for a comedienne,
but eh everywhere else".
239
00:08:24,851 --> 00:08:26,452
- That's my nickname?
- Yeah.
240
00:08:26,489 --> 00:08:27,790
[ Chuckling ]
'Cause I'm hilarious.
241
00:08:27,826 --> 00:08:29,594
And, no, you can't have
this microphone.
242
00:08:29,630 --> 00:08:31,931
That would go against
every single thing I stand for.
243
00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:33,535
Dennis, if you don't
give us the mic,
244
00:08:33,573 --> 00:08:34,973
we can't do a show
245
00:08:35,009 --> 00:08:36,210
and then you'll have come here
for no reason.
246
00:08:36,246 --> 00:08:37,879
Yeah, everyone will leave
247
00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:39,484
and no one will hear all
the things that you have to say.
248
00:08:39,521 --> 00:08:43,424
Well, I suppose Jesus did need
a flock in order to lead.
249
00:08:43,463 --> 00:08:45,697
Okay.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
250
00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:47,902
I will give you this microphone
251
00:08:47,940 --> 00:08:51,475
if you record a video
saying that women are not funny.
252
00:08:51,516 --> 00:08:52,850
- No! We are not saying that.
- No way.
253
00:08:52,886 --> 00:08:54,453
- That is never gonna happen.
- That's crazy.
254
00:08:54,489 --> 00:08:56,457
Okay.
I'll give you this microphone
255
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:57,962
if you record a video
256
00:08:57,998 --> 00:09:01,233
saying musical comedy
is an inferior form of comedy.
257
00:09:02,877 --> 00:09:04,744
- It kind of is, right?
- Yeah.
258
00:09:04,782 --> 00:09:06,615
- Okay, fine.
- Yes! Okay, nice.
259
00:09:06,653 --> 00:09:08,687
You said you'd do it.
You can't chicken out.
260
00:09:08,724 --> 00:09:10,825
- Yeah, yeah, let's just get it over with.
- You already said you'd do it.
261
00:09:10,862 --> 00:09:12,163
You said. You said.
You said "I'd do it."
262
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,635
Okay. Okay.
And... Action.
263
00:09:15,675 --> 00:09:17,509
- Hi, we're Garfunkel and Oates, and musical comedy...
- Musical comedy is an inferior form of comedy.
264
00:09:17,545 --> 00:09:19,045
Dennis: No!
Don't talk over each other.
265
00:09:19,082 --> 00:09:21,517
Pretend it's one
of your terrible songs
266
00:09:21,555 --> 00:09:22,522
and censor yourselves.
267
00:09:22,558 --> 00:09:23,558
[ Both murmuring ]
268
00:09:23,594 --> 00:09:25,527
- Okay.
- Okay.
269
00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:26,798
Now.
270
00:09:26,835 --> 00:09:28,102
Both: Hi.
We're Garfunkel and Oates
271
00:09:28,138 --> 00:09:30,572
and musical comedy
is an inferior form of comedy.
272
00:09:30,610 --> 00:09:32,144
[ Laughs ]
273
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,547
Ha.
People are gonna love that.
274
00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:35,351
It's so true.
I'm gonna post that everywhere.
275
00:09:35,388 --> 00:09:37,256
Okay, are you happy now?
Can we please have the mic?
276
00:09:37,292 --> 00:09:38,826
Oh, the microphone.
277
00:09:38,865 --> 00:09:41,599
Yes, you can have it
for a price.
278
00:09:41,637 --> 00:09:44,405
Why don't you think of a number
in your head,
279
00:09:44,443 --> 00:09:46,177
then double it,
280
00:09:46,214 --> 00:09:49,016
and then think of that number,
and then double that number.
281
00:09:49,054 --> 00:09:50,589
$200.
282
00:09:50,625 --> 00:09:51,925
Ha!
I was gonna say $30.
283
00:09:51,961 --> 00:09:53,596
Yeah, $200? Sure.
Yeah, take it.
284
00:09:53,632 --> 00:09:56,100
The number in your head
was $7.50?
285
00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:57,605
Yeah,
I was thinking of $7.50
286
00:09:57,641 --> 00:09:58,975
and then doubling,
doubling it again, yeah.
287
00:09:59,012 --> 00:10:00,112
But $200.
288
00:10:00,148 --> 00:10:02,149
So you were thinking of...
289
00:10:02,187 --> 00:10:04,321
Sixty-si...
Four dollars?
290
00:10:04,358 --> 00:10:05,826
$50.
291
00:10:05,862 --> 00:10:06,829
- $50.
- Yeah.
292
00:10:06,864 --> 00:10:07,997
Can we have it?
293
00:10:08,034 --> 00:10:09,234
Yes, you can have it.
294
00:10:09,269 --> 00:10:10,703
Have fun torturing people.
295
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,842
Thank you.
296
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:15,880
Enjoy the silence of your act.
297
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,220
Okay.
[ Speaks indistinctly ]
298
00:10:17,255 --> 00:10:18,288
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
299
00:10:18,325 --> 00:10:19,726
Back of the line, ladies.
300
00:10:19,762 --> 00:10:20,928
What? No, no, no.
We're Garfunkel and Oates.
301
00:10:20,965 --> 00:10:22,499
We're the comediennes.
302
00:10:22,535 --> 00:10:24,169
Yeah, right. Nice try.
Come on. Back of the line.
303
00:10:24,205 --> 00:10:25,373
No, no, no. This is our show.
We're performing tonight.
304
00:10:25,409 --> 00:10:26,809
Well, are you on the list?
305
00:10:26,847 --> 00:10:27,980
Because unless your name
is Pavel the driver,
306
00:10:28,015 --> 00:10:29,516
you're not getting in.
307
00:10:29,552 --> 00:10:32,220
No, we put him on the list
'cause this is our show.
308
00:10:32,259 --> 00:10:34,126
Right, right.
Show me some I.D.
309
00:10:34,163 --> 00:10:36,298
It doesn't say "Garfunkel"
on it.
310
00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:38,536
Well, then you're not
getting in.
311
00:10:38,573 --> 00:10:40,141
That is it about us that makes you think
we're not comediennes?
312
00:10:40,177 --> 00:10:41,644
Is it 'cause we're women?
313
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,982
No. Y'all just don't have
that "it" factor.
314
00:10:44,021 --> 00:10:45,621
Or whatever it is
Zooey Deschanel has
315
00:10:45,658 --> 00:10:47,459
when she puts her glasses on.
Y'all ain't got it.
316
00:10:47,495 --> 00:10:49,530
She's the red buttons
of our time.
317
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:50,801
Yes.
318
00:10:50,837 --> 00:10:52,037
Oh. No. Look.
319
00:10:52,072 --> 00:10:53,506
- This is us.
- This is us on the sign.
320
00:10:53,543 --> 00:10:55,644
- Yeah. Look. We're not funny.
- It's true.
321
00:10:55,681 --> 00:10:57,849
Okay. Hey, good thing he came along.
Come on in.
322
00:10:57,886 --> 00:10:59,286
- Thank for helping us, Dennis.
- Thank you.
323
00:10:59,324 --> 00:11:00,624
- Bye, Dennis.
- What? You need me to help you?
324
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:01,794
You can't even
get into your own show
325
00:11:01,831 --> 00:11:04,231
- without a man.
- You hitting that?
326
00:11:04,269 --> 00:11:07,504
No, I'm not hitting that.
Why would I hit something without any "it" factor?
327
00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:09,211
Don't even think it too loud.
328
00:11:09,247 --> 00:11:10,614
That's also a joke.
329
00:11:10,650 --> 00:11:12,651
Don... Don't worry
about the patter, folks.
330
00:11:12,689 --> 00:11:15,057
I'm not really going for laughs,
obviously.
331
00:11:15,096 --> 00:11:16,762
This is solar-powered.
332
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,701
I need to get more light.
333
00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:20,437
There it is.
There it is!
334
00:11:20,475 --> 00:11:22,275
[ Sighs ]
He's been out there for an hour.
335
00:11:22,312 --> 00:11:25,114
I know! The audience
is gonna be so freaking tired.
336
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:26,386
- Ugh.
- This stinks.
337
00:11:26,422 --> 00:11:27,923
Kate, I think
Laura might be dying.
338
00:11:27,959 --> 00:11:29,226
Oh, no.
339
00:11:29,262 --> 00:11:30,897
- Mm-hmm.
- Like, she's not gonna make it?
340
00:11:30,934 --> 00:11:32,668
No, this is the last show
she's ever gonna see.
341
00:11:32,704 --> 00:11:34,839
- Oh, she's keeping it a secret from her family.
- Mm-hmm.
342
00:11:34,876 --> 00:11:36,976
Yeah, no one's gonna
raise her son who has leukemia.
343
00:11:37,014 --> 00:11:39,115
- Oh, man.
- Yeah, we got to do a good show for her.
344
00:11:39,153 --> 00:11:40,319
All right.
345
00:11:40,356 --> 00:11:42,590
Who's Laura?
346
00:11:42,627 --> 00:11:44,295
Oh, she's just
our imaginary fan
347
00:11:44,331 --> 00:11:46,866
that we pretend is in the
audience so we do a great show.
348
00:11:46,905 --> 00:11:48,639
I can't believe
you're both single.
349
00:11:48,676 --> 00:11:50,677
Look, I just wanted you to know
350
00:11:50,714 --> 00:11:52,748
that I've accepted your apology
351
00:11:52,786 --> 00:11:55,754
for treating me
like a bastard man and I'm back.
352
00:11:55,793 --> 00:11:56,960
Hmm!
353
00:11:56,996 --> 00:11:59,297
Thank you.
Thanks so much, Tom.
354
00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:00,301
Sorry again.
355
00:12:00,337 --> 00:12:02,338
Okay, you know what we need?
356
00:12:02,374 --> 00:12:03,875
- What?
- Andy Dufresne.
357
00:12:03,913 --> 00:12:05,880
- [ Deep voice ] Andy Dufresne.
- Yeah.
358
00:12:05,918 --> 00:12:07,451
- Andy Dufresne.
- Remember in the movie, in Shawshank
359
00:12:07,488 --> 00:12:09,022
where it was like
he had to crawl through
360
00:12:09,059 --> 00:12:10,759
five football fields of shit
before you get out there?
361
00:12:10,795 --> 00:12:13,264
Yeah. Right before he,
like, posed in the rain, like...
362
00:12:13,301 --> 00:12:14,635
Right.
363
00:12:14,671 --> 00:12:15,838
Like, we're in, like,
our third football field
364
00:12:15,874 --> 00:12:17,509
and we have two more to go.
365
00:12:17,545 --> 00:12:18,512
And then we...
366
00:12:18,548 --> 00:12:19,515
Pose in the rain.
367
00:12:19,551 --> 00:12:21,352
Yeah.
368
00:12:21,389 --> 00:12:23,056
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
369
00:12:23,092 --> 00:12:28,229
And now I present to you
my final trick.
370
00:12:28,271 --> 00:12:29,672
- I have to pee.
- Now?
371
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,275
- Yeah.
- You have the worst pee timing.
372
00:12:31,311 --> 00:12:32,578
Well, I can't wait till
after our show.
373
00:12:32,614 --> 00:12:33,948
Fine. I'll go with you.
374
00:12:33,985 --> 00:12:35,385
But the bathrooms
are way back there.
375
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,790
Yeah, we can't walk through
the crowd.
376
00:12:36,826 --> 00:12:37,959
Where are we gonna go?
377
00:12:39,165 --> 00:12:40,131
I can't go.
378
00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:41,133
Me neither.
379
00:12:41,170 --> 00:12:42,936
Oh, how do we relax?
380
00:12:42,972 --> 00:12:44,507
Mm, maybe if we make
the sound of water?
381
00:12:44,543 --> 00:12:45,643
- Just like, shhhhh?
- Yeah.
382
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,415
- Shhhh.
- Shhh.
383
00:12:48,453 --> 00:12:49,553
Eh, that's not working.
384
00:12:49,589 --> 00:12:50,888
- No.
- Um...
385
00:12:50,926 --> 00:12:52,260
Should we sing?
386
00:12:52,296 --> 00:12:53,963
- You go first?
- Okay. Okay.
387
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,102
? You know an object at rest
is depressed. ?
388
00:12:56,138 --> 00:12:58,273
? You can't have inertia
with things unexpressed. ?
389
00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:00,310
? By the time I knew politeness
was the opposite of brilliance... ?
390
00:13:00,348 --> 00:13:01,849
- I'm peeing!
- Me too!
391
00:13:01,885 --> 00:13:03,652
? ...and lost my resilience
without me. ?
392
00:13:03,689 --> 00:13:04,857
Oh!
393
00:13:04,893 --> 00:13:05,860
- Oh! Oh!
- Ew!
394
00:13:05,895 --> 00:13:07,162
Ew! Ew!
395
00:13:07,199 --> 00:13:08,699
Oh, I fell into my pee!
396
00:13:08,736 --> 00:13:10,670
Oh, no, no, no. That's my pee.
Your pee's downhill.
397
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,341
- Ew! Ew!
- Are you okay?
398
00:13:12,378 --> 00:13:13,411
Yes, but gross!
399
00:13:13,446 --> 00:13:14,781
- Ugh!
- Oh, my God.
400
00:13:14,817 --> 00:13:16,016
[ Muffled cheers and applause ]
401
00:13:16,052 --> 00:13:17,052
It's locked.
402
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:18,555
- Hello?
- Hello?
403
00:13:18,592 --> 00:13:19,592
Let's go around.
404
00:13:21,098 --> 00:13:22,465
This sucks!
405
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:25,170
You're soaked in pee,
we don't have a sound guy!
406
00:13:25,209 --> 00:13:27,311
Dude, you sound like me.
Get it together!
407
00:13:27,347 --> 00:13:28,880
We got to go in there
and we got to be funny,
408
00:13:28,918 --> 00:13:30,519
so we got to let it go!
409
00:13:30,555 --> 00:13:32,222
Unh, unh, unh, ladies.
Where do you think you're going?
410
00:13:32,258 --> 00:13:35,694
We are going inside so we can
do a show and you can get paid.
411
00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:37,067
You need to do that.
412
00:13:37,103 --> 00:13:38,237
Go ahead. Hurry up.
Get paid.
413
00:13:38,273 --> 00:13:39,473
I like that part.
Yeah.
414
00:13:39,509 --> 00:13:40,643
Thank you. No, thank you.
Thank you.
415
00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:41,980
Keep that up.
416
00:13:42,016 --> 00:13:43,650
You just let them in?
417
00:13:43,686 --> 00:13:45,221
Women are not funny.
418
00:13:45,257 --> 00:13:48,625
That audience should not
be subjected to women.
419
00:13:48,665 --> 00:13:49,865
Singing women?
420
00:13:49,901 --> 00:13:52,135
Do you think singing women
are funny?
421
00:13:52,173 --> 00:13:53,340
I like Heart.
422
00:13:53,376 --> 00:13:54,876
The group Heart?
423
00:13:54,912 --> 00:13:56,680
I like the group Heart, too,
but they're not funny.
424
00:13:57,283 --> 00:14:00,007
It's like if your accountant
did tricks.
425
00:14:00,034 --> 00:14:02,238
That's how I...
I don't advertise it that way,
426
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,643
but think of it that way.
427
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:09,250
And now please welcome
Garfunkel & Oates.
428
00:14:09,292 --> 00:14:10,392
[ Applause ]
429
00:14:10,428 --> 00:14:11,896
Riki: Thank you.
[ Giggles ]
430
00:14:11,933 --> 00:14:13,366
Hey, guys.
431
00:14:13,403 --> 00:14:15,971
One more time
for the Flaming Michael Carson.
432
00:14:16,009 --> 00:14:17,977
[ Applause ]
433
00:14:18,013 --> 00:14:19,247
In this first song,
434
00:14:19,283 --> 00:14:20,584
we play the same woman
two years apart.
435
00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:21,587
I'm 29.
436
00:14:21,622 --> 00:14:23,022
And I'm 31.
437
00:14:23,058 --> 00:14:25,127
Same woman, two years apart,
singing about love.
438
00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:26,431
This song is called...
439
00:14:26,467 --> 00:14:28,001
- "29, 31".
- "29, 31".
440
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,986
? For the first time in my life,
I see it clearly. ?
441
00:14:36,024 --> 00:14:38,224
? I've realized the power
of being a woman. ?
442
00:14:38,262 --> 00:14:40,363
? 29 years old,
and time's on my side. ?
443
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,368
? I'm in my prime,
I've hit my stride. ?
444
00:14:42,405 --> 00:14:44,473
? I've got so much charisma
and so many options. ?
445
00:14:44,511 --> 00:14:46,012
? It's nice
to always have my pick. ?
446
00:14:47,017 --> 00:14:48,917
? There's nobody left. ?
447
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:51,423
? I'm all alone. ?
448
00:14:52,664 --> 00:14:54,931
? I'm at the top of my game,
possibilities are endless, ?
449
00:14:54,968 --> 00:14:57,136
? and I just feel
really pretty. ?
450
00:14:57,174 --> 00:14:59,175
? I'm holding out for someone
who meets my standards. ?
451
00:14:59,213 --> 00:15:01,347
? Won't settle for
anything less than perfect. ?
452
00:15:01,385 --> 00:15:03,386
? I know what I want
and I can have it. ?
453
00:15:03,424 --> 00:15:05,357
? I'm surrounded by love
and peace. ?
454
00:15:05,394 --> 00:15:07,196
? There's nobody left. ?
455
00:15:07,232 --> 00:15:09,700
? I'm all alone. ?
456
00:15:09,739 --> 00:15:11,940
? Why did I wait?
What's wrong with me? ?
457
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:14,311
? In two short years,
I'm gonna be 33. ?
458
00:15:14,349 --> 00:15:16,450
? Who the hell will want me then,
my ovaries are shrinking. ?
459
00:15:16,488 --> 00:15:18,389
? I'm disgusting
and everyone feels bad for me, ?
460
00:15:18,426 --> 00:15:22,363
? and I never get invited
to dinner parties anymore. ?
461
00:15:22,402 --> 00:15:24,570
? There's nobody left. ?
? I'm a catch, just look at me. ?
462
00:15:24,607 --> 00:15:26,742
? I'm all alone. ?
? I'm smart and hot and have lots of interests. ?
463
00:15:26,779 --> 00:15:28,513
You're such an idiot!
? The man of my dreams is definitely out there. ?
464
00:15:28,550 --> 00:15:30,451
You think you're so special,
'cause people tell you that now,
465
00:15:30,488 --> 00:15:31,888
but that will stop.
? He's my future, he's the one. ?
466
00:15:31,925 --> 00:15:33,660
They'll be replaced
with looks of pity.
467
00:15:33,697 --> 00:15:35,765
? The world
is a buffet of love. ?
468
00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,135
? Everything happens
for a reason. ?
469
00:15:37,171 --> 00:15:38,671
? You know,
I truly believe that. ?
470
00:15:38,708 --> 00:15:40,142
? Yeah, you said that before. ?
471
00:15:40,179 --> 00:15:41,813
? Just say,
"hey, universe, I'm ready!" ?
472
00:15:41,849 --> 00:15:43,449
? It'll happen
when you least expect it. ?
473
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,020
? Well, I don't expect it
at all now. ?
474
00:15:45,056 --> 00:15:46,523
? So I guess
it's right around the corner. ?
475
00:15:46,559 --> 00:15:48,027
? Maybe you're putting out
the wrong vibe. ?
476
00:15:48,064 --> 00:15:49,698
? Maybe you're closed off
to love. ?
477
00:15:49,735 --> 00:15:51,803
? Let me tell you a secret.
It's called The Secret. ?
478
00:15:51,841 --> 00:15:53,907
? Here's another secret.
You're an asshole. ?
479
00:15:53,945 --> 00:15:55,946
? Your negativity
is a self-fulfilling prophecy. ?
480
00:15:55,982 --> 00:15:58,150
? The reason things go well
for me is 'cause of positivity. ?
481
00:15:58,187 --> 00:16:00,255
? Well, I'm positive fertility
always begins to atrophy, ?
482
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,327
? when infantile fantasy
eclipses true reality. ?
483
00:16:02,365 --> 00:16:03,698
? It never once
occurred to me ?
484
00:16:03,736 --> 00:16:04,969
? that things
won't work out perfectly. ?
485
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:05,972
? When God closes a door,
you see, ?
486
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:08,308
? He opens a window. ?
487
00:16:08,346 --> 00:16:10,313
You realize that's
a smaller opening, right?
488
00:16:10,351 --> 00:16:11,517
You used to be able
to just walk out a door.
489
00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:12,820
And now you have to climb out
490
00:16:12,857 --> 00:16:14,324
some slightly-ajar window
somewhere
491
00:16:14,361 --> 00:16:15,895
possibly falling, like,
eight stories to your death.
492
00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:18,266
That is not an upgrade.
And you know what else?
493
00:16:18,303 --> 00:16:20,637
? There's nobody left. ?
? 7 billion people on the planet. ?
494
00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:23,111
? I'm all alone. ?
? My options will never, ever run out. ?
495
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,617
Aaah!
? You can't love someone else till you love yourself. ?
496
00:16:25,654 --> 00:16:27,522
? You can't love someone else
till you love yourself. ?
497
00:16:27,559 --> 00:16:30,461
Aaaaah!
? You can't love someone else till you love yourself. ?
498
00:16:30,499 --> 00:16:31,999
? 'Cause life is... ?
499
00:16:32,036 --> 00:16:33,002
- ? Good. ?
- Over.
500
00:16:33,038 --> 00:16:34,572
[ Feedback ]
501
00:16:34,609 --> 00:16:38,245
T... Tom,
can you fix the mic, please?
502
00:16:38,285 --> 00:16:39,953
Don't you know
how to say please?
503
00:16:39,989 --> 00:16:41,824
I did say please.
504
00:16:41,861 --> 00:16:44,895
Were you raised
next to an airport?
505
00:16:44,934 --> 00:16:46,801
I will not be yelled at!
506
00:16:46,838 --> 00:16:51,275
I'm a sound man,
a man of sound!
507
00:16:51,316 --> 00:16:53,951
A s... Shh... Oh.
508
00:16:53,990 --> 00:16:55,690
Shove it!
509
00:16:55,727 --> 00:16:58,029
Thank you.
510
00:16:58,066 --> 00:17:00,433
Okay, so, uh, Riki and I are
really bad at giving hand jobs.
511
00:17:00,471 --> 00:17:01,738
Yeah.
512
00:17:01,774 --> 00:17:02,875
And we wrote a rap song
about it.
513
00:17:02,911 --> 00:17:04,478
- Hit it, Tom.
- Hit it, Tom.
514
00:17:05,517 --> 00:17:06,650
Tom, now would be
a really great time
515
00:17:06,686 --> 00:17:09,588
to play that CD we gave you,
please?
516
00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:11,495
Andrew: Hello,
ladies and gentlemen.
517
00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:13,466
Oh, um...
We have a very special surprise
518
00:17:13,503 --> 00:17:14,503
for you guys tonight.
519
00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:16,540
Uh, the manager.
520
00:17:16,576 --> 00:17:19,645
Oh, they know who I am.
How's everybody tonight?
521
00:17:19,684 --> 00:17:21,419
- Where'd he get the extra mic?
- Just take a couple seconds here.
522
00:17:21,455 --> 00:17:23,789
Allen, if you please.
523
00:17:23,826 --> 00:17:26,862
There's a very special lady in
the audience tonight, Jennifer.
524
00:17:26,902 --> 00:17:29,771
Ever since I saw you
on Real World: Tampa
525
00:17:29,809 --> 00:17:31,477
I knew you were the one
526
00:17:31,513 --> 00:17:34,815
and I, well, you're just so...
damn hot
527
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:37,456
and...
And pretty nice, really.
528
00:17:37,493 --> 00:17:39,861
That's, uh,
that's why I would love it
529
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:42,868
if you would share
what's left of my life with me.
530
00:17:42,908 --> 00:17:44,575
Huh?
531
00:17:44,612 --> 00:17:46,713
Oh, wait.
532
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:48,417
- No. No, no. I don't think we should...
- Yeah, let them hear you.
533
00:17:48,453 --> 00:17:49,886
No.
We should talk about this in private.
534
00:17:49,923 --> 00:17:51,224
No, no.
Now's a good time.
535
00:17:51,260 --> 00:17:52,793
Private's not an option.
Everyone's looking.
536
00:17:52,830 --> 00:17:54,297
- Okay. Well...
- Go ahead.
537
00:17:54,335 --> 00:17:55,602
Oh, okay.
It's pretty.
538
00:17:55,637 --> 00:17:57,471
Well,
if you had asked me earlier,
539
00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,311
I... I might have been like,
"whatever, might as well."
540
00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:04,085
- Yeah.
- But then I just heard that "29, 31" song,
541
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:09,896
and I was like, "whaaat?"
542
00:18:11,608 --> 00:18:12,642
I'm only 28.
543
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,446
I still have a few years left
544
00:18:14,483 --> 00:18:16,918
before things
get really bleak for me.
545
00:18:16,956 --> 00:18:19,524
I got to see
what kind of dude I can land
546
00:18:19,562 --> 00:18:20,862
while I'm still hot.
547
00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:23,166
Yeah, but I'm offering you
a future now.
548
00:18:23,204 --> 00:18:24,370
I know.
549
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:27,175
And if I was
that 31-year-old bag,
550
00:18:27,214 --> 00:18:30,082
you know,
the blonde one with no options,
551
00:18:30,121 --> 00:18:32,756
I would do it for sure,
but I'm not.
552
00:18:32,794 --> 00:18:34,962
I feel like hearing that song
553
00:18:34,999 --> 00:18:37,235
was a sign from The Secret.
554
00:18:37,272 --> 00:18:40,673
So... No.
555
00:18:40,712 --> 00:18:43,647
Jen... Jennifer.
556
00:18:48,031 --> 00:18:49,665
Thank you, Garfunkel & Oates.
557
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,302
[ Thud ]
558
00:18:52,475 --> 00:18:54,209
Um, well.
559
00:18:54,246 --> 00:18:57,281
So, uh, that was uncomfortable.
[ Chuckles ]
560
00:18:57,319 --> 00:18:58,719
But, you know what,
we promised you a comedy show
561
00:18:58,756 --> 00:19:01,123
and, uh, we are gonna give you
a comedy show.
562
00:19:01,163 --> 00:19:02,697
Hey, Tom, now would be
a great time to play that CD
563
00:19:02,733 --> 00:19:04,601
so we'll get the show
on the road.
564
00:19:04,637 --> 00:19:06,672
Sorry. I quit again.
565
00:19:06,709 --> 00:19:08,276
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
566
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,013
- You know what?
- So, we are gonna do this song
567
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:12,852
with no mics
and no backing track.
568
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:14,590
- 'Cause who needs 'em?
- Let's do it.
569
00:19:14,627 --> 00:19:16,261
Okay.
570
00:19:16,298 --> 00:19:18,265
[ Beatboxing ]
571
00:19:18,304 --> 00:19:20,171
[ Rapping ]
? I got a problem and I can't contain it. ?
572
00:19:20,209 --> 00:19:22,443
? I'll use my icky,
sticky rhymes and help me explain it. ?
573
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,014
[ Rapping ]
? Handy J's are like Stonehenge to me. ?
574
00:19:24,051 --> 00:19:25,651
? Robert Stack
can't even unsolve this mys... ?
575
00:19:28,729 --> 00:19:30,796
How are we gonna get home?
576
00:19:30,834 --> 00:19:34,903
[ Chuckles, clapping ]
577
00:19:34,943 --> 00:19:37,879
And thus it is proven
once and for all
578
00:19:37,917 --> 00:19:40,386
that women
do not belong in comedy.
579
00:19:40,424 --> 00:19:41,624
[ Chuckles ]
You know what, Dennis?
580
00:19:41,659 --> 00:19:43,460
- What?
- You can try to bring us down,
581
00:19:43,498 --> 00:19:45,731
- but it's not gonna work.
- Ooh.
582
00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,937
- 'Cause idiots like you helped us...
- Oh, real nice calling me an idiot.
583
00:19:47,974 --> 00:19:50,009
- Yeah. You're an idiot.
- Real nice calling me an idiot.
584
00:19:50,047 --> 00:19:51,314
- You're an idiot!
- Oh.
585
00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:53,084
And you helped us
build the resources
586
00:19:53,121 --> 00:19:55,989
to keep your bullshit
out of our head space.
587
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,594
And we're strong now, Dennis.
588
00:19:57,631 --> 00:19:59,832
We are doing stuff on a level
that you can't even see.
589
00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:02,305
- [ Mockingly ] Unh, unh, I can't see.
- You can't.
590
00:20:02,342 --> 00:20:05,110
You can try to keep us down,
but it's never going to work,
591
00:20:05,150 --> 00:20:06,717
so you might as well give up.
592
00:20:06,754 --> 00:20:10,657
Also, Dennis,
we're really tired and we need a ride.
593
00:20:10,696 --> 00:20:13,698
So, it'd be great if you could
just see us as people
594
00:20:13,737 --> 00:20:17,173
and not the enemy
and maybe just help us out.
595
00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:20,917
All right,
I'll give you a ride.
596
00:20:20,955 --> 00:20:22,322
Really?
597
00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:24,426
Yeah, but I...
I need money for gas.
598
00:20:24,463 --> 00:20:25,929
Uh, $200.
599
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:27,368
- Great.
- Okay.
600
00:20:28,606 --> 00:20:30,107
- You're gonna give me $200?
- Yeah.
601
00:20:30,143 --> 00:20:31,410
- Sure.
- Great. Oh!
602
00:20:31,446 --> 00:20:32,913
- Thank you.
- Okay. Yeah.
603
00:20:32,949 --> 00:20:34,850
Yeah, we'll go get ice cream
or something after.
604
00:20:34,888 --> 00:20:36,522
- Maybe.
- Okay. Okay, yeah.
605
00:20:36,558 --> 00:20:38,358
All right.
[ Chuckles ]
606
00:20:38,397 --> 00:20:40,698
- Wow.
- Okay. What was that?
607
00:20:40,736 --> 00:20:42,469
I don't know.
608
00:20:42,506 --> 00:20:43,706
- But now we're going to have to ride with Dennis.
- Ew!
609
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,343
- Garfunkel & Oates!
- Garfunkel & Oates!
610
00:20:45,379 --> 00:20:46,613
- What?!
- Garfunkel & Oates?
611
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:47,883
- Riki: Yeah!
- Oh, my God.
612
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,020
We love you guys so much!
613
00:20:49,055 --> 00:20:50,522
- Oh.
- Thank you.
614
00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:52,125
- We're, like, your number-one fans.
- Yeah!
615
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:53,729
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you.
616
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:55,734
Yeah, seriously.
My grandfather died a few hours ago
617
00:20:55,772 --> 00:20:58,307
and you really
just took my mind right off it.
618
00:20:58,344 --> 00:20:59,844
Oh, that's great.
619
00:20:59,881 --> 00:21:01,248
- I'm really sorry about your grandfather.
- Yeah.
620
00:21:01,285 --> 00:21:03,018
Oh, yeah, you know, it happens.
[ Chuckles ]
621
00:21:03,056 --> 00:21:04,856
Oh, I'm Shelly, by the way.
This is Laura.
622
00:21:04,893 --> 00:21:05,993
- Hi.
- Wait.
623
00:21:06,029 --> 00:21:07,430
Your name is Laura?
624
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,800
Yeah.
625
00:21:08,836 --> 00:21:09,903
- That is so cool.
- That's awesome.
626
00:21:09,939 --> 00:21:11,039
Ah! I feel like a sign.
627
00:21:11,076 --> 00:21:12,576
It's so nice to meet you.
628
00:21:12,613 --> 00:21:14,446
- Yeah.
- I know... This is a weird question,
629
00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:15,717
but I just have to ask.
630
00:21:15,753 --> 00:21:16,853
Um, does your son
have leukemia?
631
00:21:16,889 --> 00:21:18,023
Um, no.
632
00:21:18,058 --> 00:21:19,926
My son doesn't have leukemia.
633
00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:22,331
A... And also,
I don't have a son, so...
634
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:23,969
- Oh.
- That's cool. All right.
635
00:21:24,007 --> 00:21:25,240
- Yeah.
- Just checking.
636
00:21:25,276 --> 00:21:27,177
- Got to check, I guess.
- Yeah.
637
00:21:27,214 --> 00:21:28,381
Okay, well...
638
00:21:28,417 --> 00:21:30,352
Congrats again!
Love you guys!
639
00:21:30,388 --> 00:21:31,755
Thanks for the show, guys.
640
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,159
Thank you.
641
00:21:33,195 --> 00:21:35,429
- Okay.
- All right.
642
00:21:35,467 --> 00:21:37,100
I'm just gonna take that
as a positive interaction.
643
00:21:37,138 --> 00:21:39,173
That wasn't Laura,
but it totally could have been.
644
00:21:39,209 --> 00:21:40,576
- Yeah, her son could have leukemia.
- Right.
645
00:21:40,612 --> 00:21:41,645
- She could have had a son.
- Totally.
646
00:21:41,683 --> 00:21:43,216
Never know.
647
00:21:43,252 --> 00:21:44,519
- I mean, lots of people have sons.
- Yeah.
648
00:21:44,556 --> 00:21:47,524
Hurry up!
Why am I helping you guys?!
649
00:21:48,517 --> 00:21:51,195
You know,
this was the worst gig ever.
650
00:21:51,216 --> 00:21:53,184
Mm-hmm.
At least we have the best story.
651
00:21:53,221 --> 00:21:54,288
Yeah, that's true.
652
00:21:54,323 --> 00:21:55,457
- Mm.
- Happy 1,000th show.
653
00:21:55,494 --> 00:21:57,261
Yeah.
Here's to the next 1,000.
654
00:21:57,298 --> 00:21:58,664
Really?
655
00:21:58,701 --> 00:22:00,268
- Yeah.
- Dennis: Where is it?
656
00:22:00,305 --> 00:22:01,773
What are you looking for?
657
00:22:01,809 --> 00:22:04,043
Well, I've never
told you guys this,
658
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,782
but I am a musician.
659
00:22:05,818 --> 00:22:07,985
I mean, not like you guys.
I am a real musician.
660
00:22:08,023 --> 00:22:09,123
- Oh, cool.
- Okay.
661
00:22:09,159 --> 00:22:10,293
I'm a jazz singer
662
00:22:10,328 --> 00:22:12,095
and I just came out
with a demo,
663
00:22:12,133 --> 00:22:14,167
which I would like
to play for you.
664
00:22:14,205 --> 00:22:15,506
Do you see it in there?
665
00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:16,742
No.
666
00:22:16,777 --> 00:22:18,578
I... I only see parking tickets
and tampons.
667
00:22:18,615 --> 00:22:20,417
Those parking tickets
are not mine.
668
00:22:20,453 --> 00:22:22,955
I guess I'll just have to
sing it for you guys.
669
00:22:22,993 --> 00:22:24,560
- Oh.
- That's all right, though.
670
00:22:24,596 --> 00:22:25,964
- We're good.
- Count me off.
671
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,733
Three, four.
672
00:22:27,768 --> 00:22:29,436
? Zippity zippity bop! ?
673
00:22:29,471 --> 00:22:31,339
? A-zippity
zippity bop! ?
674
00:22:31,373 --> 00:22:35,342
? A-zippity zippity boppity
boppity zippity zippity bop! ?
675
00:22:35,376 --> 00:22:37,310
? A-zippity
zippity bop! ?
676
00:22:37,345 --> 00:22:38,445
? A-zippity zippity...
677
00:22:38,495 --> 00:22:43,045
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