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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,577 --> 00:00:11,013 ? If we combine our efforts, there's nothing we can't do. ? 2 00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:13,587 ? You'll support me, but first, I'll support you. ? 3 00:00:13,624 --> 00:00:16,626 ? You go first and I'll take the rest. ? 4 00:00:16,667 --> 00:00:20,202 ? It'll all work out for the best. ? 5 00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:22,008 ? It's on the ground. ? 6 00:00:22,046 --> 00:00:24,013 ? It's like it's here to... ? 7 00:00:24,051 --> 00:00:26,619 Five hours outside the city is not "just outside" the city. 8 00:00:26,656 --> 00:00:28,624 We've driven a lot longer than five hours for a show. 9 00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:30,729 It's just not how I pictured our 1,000th show. 10 00:00:30,766 --> 00:00:32,601 Is this our 1,000th show? 11 00:00:32,639 --> 00:00:33,838 Around there. 12 00:00:33,873 --> 00:00:35,007 Oh, my gosh. 13 00:00:35,043 --> 00:00:37,812 I can't wait to do the next 1,000. 14 00:00:37,850 --> 00:00:39,784 Man: It's five with a double play 15 00:00:39,821 --> 00:00:42,022 as Bressman leads with his chin and regains... 16 00:00:42,060 --> 00:00:43,428 No. No. 17 00:00:43,463 --> 00:00:45,164 - Now? - No. 18 00:00:45,201 --> 00:00:46,835 No. 19 00:00:46,871 --> 00:00:49,240 - No, you're just... Kate, you're blinking. - I'm winking. 20 00:00:49,278 --> 00:00:50,945 '90s bands that sound like vaginas. Go. 21 00:00:50,982 --> 00:00:52,582 - Hole. - Bush. 22 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:54,219 - Candlebox. - Smash Mouth. 23 00:00:54,256 --> 00:00:56,223 - Hole. - You said that first. 24 00:00:56,261 --> 00:00:58,162 ? My game possibilities are endless, ? 25 00:00:58,199 --> 00:00:59,967 ? and I just feel really pretty. ? 26 00:01:00,003 --> 00:01:01,037 - No. - Did I wink? 27 00:01:01,073 --> 00:01:03,440 No. No. 28 00:01:03,478 --> 00:01:05,012 - Did I do it now? - No. 29 00:01:05,050 --> 00:01:08,017 - You literally are going like this. - Did I do it? 30 00:01:08,056 --> 00:01:09,490 Want to sing the Growing Pains theme song again? 31 00:01:09,526 --> 00:01:10,493 Okay. 32 00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,197 One, two, three, four. 33 00:01:12,233 --> 00:01:13,567 ? Show... ? [ Tires screech ] 34 00:01:13,603 --> 00:01:14,869 Oh, we're here. 35 00:01:14,906 --> 00:01:16,139 All right. 36 00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:17,743 So, we'll need you back here around 10:15 37 00:01:17,779 --> 00:01:19,681 and we put you on the list, 38 00:01:19,717 --> 00:01:21,984 so if you want to come to the show, you're more... 39 00:01:22,024 --> 00:01:23,725 - Hey, wait! Hold on! Wait! - Where are you going? 40 00:01:23,761 --> 00:01:26,529 - Oh. I can't believe he left. - We shouldn't have paid him. 41 00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,501 I don't think you're supposed to pay drivers in advance. 42 00:01:28,539 --> 00:01:29,539 I thought that was prostitutes. 43 00:01:29,574 --> 00:01:31,709 I think it's both. 44 00:01:33,651 --> 00:01:36,353 ? You, yeah, you, you're really cool. ? 45 00:01:36,391 --> 00:01:38,259 ? You can be anything you wanna be. ? 46 00:01:38,296 --> 00:01:41,231 ? Dream your dreams into the sky. ? 47 00:01:41,270 --> 00:01:43,837 ? Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it. ? 48 00:01:43,876 --> 00:01:45,477 ? Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah. ? 49 00:01:45,513 --> 00:01:47,881 ? Don't stop being cool. ? 50 00:01:47,918 --> 00:01:49,286 Why does this always happen to us? 51 00:01:49,322 --> 00:01:50,955 I don't know. 52 00:01:50,993 --> 00:01:52,927 We need more of that Morgan Freeman stuff, you know? 53 00:01:52,964 --> 00:01:55,032 - Freckles? - Gravitas. 54 00:01:55,069 --> 00:01:56,770 [ Deep voice ] Andy Dufresne. [ Both chuckle ] 55 00:01:56,808 --> 00:01:57,808 [ Car horn honks ] Oh. Oh. 56 00:01:57,843 --> 00:02:00,244 - Ugh! - Oh, come on. 57 00:02:00,282 --> 00:02:04,218 Ugh! Shouldn't you two be in a kitchen somewhere? 58 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,792 What are you doing here, Dennis? 59 00:02:05,829 --> 00:02:07,963 What do you think I'm doing? I'm protesting you guys. 60 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,935 Came all the way up from New York. 61 00:02:09,973 --> 00:02:12,674 Normally I limit my protesting to within the five boroughs, 62 00:02:12,712 --> 00:02:15,313 but I decided... 63 00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:18,554 "Dames R Lame." This stuff's really gonna connect. 64 00:02:18,593 --> 00:02:22,963 I decided that I'd make an exception for you, Baby Bones. 65 00:02:23,003 --> 00:02:24,537 Why do you call me Baby Bones? 66 00:02:24,575 --> 00:02:26,676 Why do I call you Baby Bones? Are you serious? 67 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:29,348 Look. I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking. 68 00:02:29,385 --> 00:02:32,020 You're always standing there real small. 69 00:02:32,058 --> 00:02:34,026 You got your miniature guitar, 70 00:02:34,063 --> 00:02:36,164 you got your doll clothes 71 00:02:36,202 --> 00:02:38,870 and your semi-calcified baby bones 72 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,543 that I could just snap like that. 73 00:02:41,581 --> 00:02:42,949 Also I call you Baby Bones 74 00:02:42,985 --> 00:02:44,786 so I don't have to call you Sad Turtle. 75 00:02:44,823 --> 00:02:47,391 Oh, poor Sad Turtle. 76 00:02:47,429 --> 00:02:49,596 Hey, check out the sign I made. 77 00:02:49,634 --> 00:02:51,935 "When you should give up, give up 78 00:02:51,973 --> 00:02:56,811 "or probably just admit maybe you should get a real job. 79 00:02:56,852 --> 00:02:59,554 "Also, men are better. 80 00:02:59,592 --> 00:03:01,860 Notice no one is laughing." 81 00:03:01,897 --> 00:03:04,231 Okay, I feel like that could have been worded better. 82 00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:05,803 No, I don't think so. Hey! Ho! 83 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,640 Hey! Get away from there! 84 00:03:07,677 --> 00:03:09,744 - Boycott women comics. - Don't listen to him! 85 00:03:09,782 --> 00:03:11,516 - Make sandwiches, not jokes. - No, that's our show. 86 00:03:11,553 --> 00:03:13,955 Women should be in the kitchen, not on stage. 87 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,461 Dennis, can't you just do that online? 88 00:03:15,497 --> 00:03:16,763 That's what Twitter's for. 89 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,034 I'm gonna protest you guys so hard. 90 00:03:19,071 --> 00:03:20,372 You guys are screwed. 91 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,376 [ Scoffs ] 92 00:03:22,413 --> 00:03:24,681 This is why I'm so sick of touring. 93 00:03:24,719 --> 00:03:26,419 I think we need our imaginary fan. 94 00:03:26,455 --> 00:03:27,923 - I guess. - We do. 95 00:03:27,959 --> 00:03:29,627 [ Engine turns over ] Let's call her Laura. 96 00:03:29,665 --> 00:03:31,533 - Okay. - Okay, what do we know about Laura? 97 00:03:31,569 --> 00:03:32,936 - Um... - Um... 98 00:03:32,972 --> 00:03:35,073 Laura drove eight hours to see us, okay? 99 00:03:35,110 --> 00:03:36,877 And, uh, she's totally broke. 100 00:03:36,915 --> 00:03:39,216 Yeah, and she spent all her money on a ticket for tonight. 101 00:03:39,254 --> 00:03:41,688 And she knows every word to every song. 102 00:03:41,725 --> 00:03:44,461 And her son has leukemia. 103 00:03:44,499 --> 00:03:47,568 I mean, that's dark, but it'll work. 104 00:03:47,607 --> 00:03:49,575 - Doing it for Laura. - Okay. 105 00:03:52,652 --> 00:03:55,588 Well, this looks like every place ever. 106 00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:57,961 Yeah. Look on the bright side. 107 00:03:57,999 --> 00:04:00,133 - What's that? - I don't know. 108 00:04:00,170 --> 00:04:01,537 Isn't that supposed to be your job? 109 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,442 Girls, welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. 110 00:04:03,479 --> 00:04:05,046 I'm Andrew, the owner. 111 00:04:05,083 --> 00:04:07,484 This is the house of mirth that my mother bequeathed to me. 112 00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:09,123 Which one of you is Garfield? 113 00:04:09,159 --> 00:04:10,526 I'm Garfunkel. 114 00:04:10,562 --> 00:04:12,062 And I'm Oates 'cause if I'm not careful, 115 00:04:12,099 --> 00:04:13,366 I'll have a mustache. 116 00:04:13,402 --> 00:04:15,303 Eh, kind of looks like you weren't careful. 117 00:04:15,341 --> 00:04:17,908 There's a couple things I want to talk to you about. 118 00:04:17,947 --> 00:04:20,149 The first one is, I've got a note. 119 00:04:20,186 --> 00:04:22,020 Oh, someone sent us a note? 120 00:04:22,057 --> 00:04:23,958 Mnh-mnh. A creative note. 121 00:04:23,994 --> 00:04:25,594 I used to be a stand-up 122 00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,867 before I became a respected businessman, 123 00:04:27,904 --> 00:04:29,838 so I know what I'm talking about. 124 00:04:29,876 --> 00:04:32,210 I was kind of an early-Hedberg-meets-Cosby 125 00:04:32,247 --> 00:04:35,116 with a heavy Richard Pryor influence, you know? 126 00:04:35,156 --> 00:04:37,090 Anyways, here's the note. 127 00:04:37,127 --> 00:04:39,762 Please no material about your periods. 128 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,366 What is that? 129 00:04:41,403 --> 00:04:44,271 This is the other thing I wanted to run up your flagpole. 130 00:04:44,310 --> 00:04:47,044 I want to propose to my girlfriend tonight. 131 00:04:47,083 --> 00:04:49,150 Yeah, Jennifer Ashley Perkins. 132 00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,956 Real World: Tampa. 133 00:04:50,993 --> 00:04:53,429 Breakout star of that season. Everybody hated her. 134 00:04:53,466 --> 00:04:57,402 Her catch phrase was "whaaat"? 135 00:04:57,443 --> 00:04:59,509 - No. Sorry. - Never saw it. 136 00:04:59,546 --> 00:05:01,580 Anyways, I'm thinking about half-way through your set. 137 00:05:01,618 --> 00:05:02,985 - What do you think? - What? 138 00:05:03,021 --> 00:05:04,388 You want to propose on stage during our show? 139 00:05:04,424 --> 00:05:05,925 Yeah, yeah. She's not gonna see it coming. 140 00:05:05,963 --> 00:05:08,631 She has no idea whatsoever this is gonna happen. 141 00:05:08,669 --> 00:05:10,470 Yeah, she's not even a fan of musical comedy. 142 00:05:10,507 --> 00:05:12,108 - That's really romantic. - Right? 143 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,279 - Um, where's the green room? - Back there. 144 00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:15,516 Uh, you'll be sharing that with your opener, 145 00:05:15,552 --> 00:05:16,852 Flaming Michael Carson. 146 00:05:16,888 --> 00:05:18,322 He does... I don't know, 147 00:05:18,358 --> 00:05:21,026 wizard tricks on a calculator or something. 148 00:05:21,065 --> 00:05:22,933 Oh, I love calculator magic. 149 00:05:22,970 --> 00:05:24,638 - Do you? - Yeah. 150 00:05:24,675 --> 00:05:26,642 To be honest with you, we tried to get you a stronger opener, 151 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:29,515 but, uh, you know, we didn't. 152 00:05:31,190 --> 00:05:32,790 Why does everyone think we talk about our periods? 153 00:05:32,827 --> 00:05:34,227 I don't know. 154 00:05:34,263 --> 00:05:35,964 But I think mine's coming really soon, though. 155 00:05:36,001 --> 00:05:37,836 Oh, my God. I have mine right now. 156 00:05:37,873 --> 00:05:39,207 And I'm just like, "don't they make bigger tampons than this?" 157 00:05:39,243 --> 00:05:40,543 I know. One time I was at this water park, 158 00:05:40,579 --> 00:05:42,347 and there was this little trail of blood 159 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,052 - just, like, following me down the water slide. - Oh, I hate that. 160 00:05:44,088 --> 00:05:45,521 I also hate it when it's, like, chunky, 161 00:05:45,558 --> 00:05:47,025 and you're like, "um, did I just miscarry?" 162 00:05:47,062 --> 00:05:48,395 I don't know why guys are grossed out by it, though. 163 00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:49,431 - It's just blood. - I don't know. 164 00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:51,468 My boobs feel so huge, though. 165 00:05:51,505 --> 00:05:52,472 Do they look bigger to you? 166 00:05:52,507 --> 00:05:55,442 Yeah, they do. 167 00:05:55,483 --> 00:05:57,650 I'm so excited about this calculator magician. 168 00:05:57,688 --> 00:05:59,389 - You are? - Yeah! 169 00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:04,901 Hey. We're here to sound check. 170 00:06:04,938 --> 00:06:07,273 Hey. Tom. Not that anyone's gonna remember my name. 171 00:06:07,310 --> 00:06:08,277 Whatever. 172 00:06:08,312 --> 00:06:09,578 Okay, Tom. 173 00:06:09,616 --> 00:06:11,717 Uh, we have a CD that we rap over. 174 00:06:11,754 --> 00:06:13,222 Ooh, a CD. 175 00:06:13,258 --> 00:06:16,794 Kick ass, Ally Sheedy. This is really cutting edge. 176 00:06:16,833 --> 00:06:18,534 Did you burn this on your Mac? 177 00:06:18,570 --> 00:06:21,605 How do I know what track to play on this thing? 178 00:06:21,645 --> 00:06:23,412 Okay, there's only one track on there and we will cue you. 179 00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:24,682 Yeah, we'll be like, 180 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,920 "hey, we're bad at giving hand jobs. Hit it, Tom." 181 00:06:26,958 --> 00:06:28,391 - Hand jobs? - Mm-hmm. 182 00:06:28,428 --> 00:06:29,695 Ug. 183 00:06:29,731 --> 00:06:31,398 Okay. 184 00:06:31,435 --> 00:06:33,269 Also, there's only one mic up there, but we need two. 185 00:06:33,306 --> 00:06:35,975 Hey, can you step off my jock for, like, two seconds, bossy? 186 00:06:36,012 --> 00:06:39,481 Yeah. But we still need a mic. 187 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,221 So, can you... Can you get that for us? 188 00:06:41,258 --> 00:06:42,625 Yeah. 189 00:06:42,662 --> 00:06:44,830 'Cause there's two of us. 190 00:06:44,868 --> 00:06:46,068 Oh, it'll happen. 191 00:06:46,104 --> 00:06:47,871 Like, now? 192 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,377 Do you just get off on hassling a fellow artist? 193 00:06:50,414 --> 00:06:53,116 Man, I could be touring with D.M.B. right now. 194 00:06:53,154 --> 00:06:56,122 You were the sound guy for the Dave Matthews Band? 195 00:06:58,099 --> 00:06:59,934 I sold nitrous balloons in the parking lot. 196 00:06:59,970 --> 00:07:01,504 That sounds great. 197 00:07:01,542 --> 00:07:05,177 Um, we... We need two mics and we go on in an hour. 198 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,751 So what can we do? How do we make this happen? 199 00:07:06,787 --> 00:07:07,987 Whoa, hey, hey, hey, yo. 200 00:07:08,024 --> 00:07:10,425 Hey, I don't know how they do this in the "fly to" states, 201 00:07:10,462 --> 00:07:12,763 but here, we don't do it by barking at people. 202 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,334 You know, I quit. 203 00:07:16,391 --> 00:07:19,222 That's definitely not the number I was thinking of. 204 00:07:19,260 --> 00:07:20,294 Are you messing around with my head? 205 00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:21,764 I'm not messing... 206 00:07:21,801 --> 00:07:23,167 I don't like volunteers who go on their own path. 207 00:07:23,203 --> 00:07:25,972 It's called magic, not my... my-gic. 208 00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:28,277 - Hey. - Oh, hey. What did the manager say? 209 00:07:28,316 --> 00:07:29,983 He said the sound guy quits all the time and he'll be back. 210 00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:32,422 I just don't know where we're gonna get another mic. 211 00:07:32,459 --> 00:07:34,327 There used to be a music store. 212 00:07:34,364 --> 00:07:35,597 Then Big Mart came in. 213 00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:37,969 And then that closed because of toxic mold. 214 00:07:38,006 --> 00:07:40,007 - That's your number, right? - No. 215 00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:41,445 Michael, is there another store? 216 00:07:41,481 --> 00:07:42,647 No. 217 00:07:42,683 --> 00:07:44,951 - That's your number. - No. 218 00:07:44,989 --> 00:07:46,857 Th... There's only a certain amount of numbers, 219 00:07:46,894 --> 00:07:48,060 a finite amount of them. 220 00:07:48,097 --> 00:07:49,464 - That one? - That one looks like it. 221 00:07:49,501 --> 00:07:51,201 - Yes! - Sort of have the same shape. 222 00:07:51,237 --> 00:07:53,539 - You know that breeze you're feeling? - Mm-hmm. 223 00:07:53,576 --> 00:07:55,043 It's your mind being blown. 224 00:07:55,079 --> 00:07:56,547 - Oh. - Whoo! 225 00:07:56,584 --> 00:07:57,584 Ooh, I feel it. 226 00:07:57,620 --> 00:07:59,220 I feel a little excitement. 227 00:07:59,256 --> 00:08:01,524 Hey, Michael. How long is your act? 228 00:08:01,561 --> 00:08:03,829 Oh, it's not long. It's a cool 30. 229 00:08:03,868 --> 00:08:05,236 It's like a tight 35. 230 00:08:05,271 --> 00:08:07,572 I won't go over 40 no matter what. 231 00:08:07,610 --> 00:08:10,012 Seen that before? It's pi. 232 00:08:10,050 --> 00:08:11,616 I know who has a mic. 233 00:08:11,653 --> 00:08:12,953 [ Chuckles ] 234 00:08:12,989 --> 00:08:15,425 I knew you'd come crying to Uncle Dennis. 235 00:08:15,463 --> 00:08:18,565 Please, Dennis. We wouldn't ask if we weren't super desperate. 236 00:08:18,604 --> 00:08:19,938 Yeah, and you don't need it anyway. 237 00:08:19,974 --> 00:08:22,442 You have such a deep, manly, booming voice. 238 00:08:22,479 --> 00:08:24,814 Thanks, "hot for a comedienne, but eh everywhere else". 239 00:08:24,851 --> 00:08:26,452 - That's my nickname? - Yeah. 240 00:08:26,489 --> 00:08:27,790 [ Chuckling ] 'Cause I'm hilarious. 241 00:08:27,826 --> 00:08:29,594 And, no, you can't have this microphone. 242 00:08:29,630 --> 00:08:31,931 That would go against every single thing I stand for. 243 00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:33,535 Dennis, if you don't give us the mic, 244 00:08:33,573 --> 00:08:34,973 we can't do a show 245 00:08:35,009 --> 00:08:36,210 and then you'll have come here for no reason. 246 00:08:36,246 --> 00:08:37,879 Yeah, everyone will leave 247 00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:39,484 and no one will hear all the things that you have to say. 248 00:08:39,521 --> 00:08:43,424 Well, I suppose Jesus did need a flock in order to lead. 249 00:08:43,463 --> 00:08:45,697 Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what. 250 00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:47,902 I will give you this microphone 251 00:08:47,940 --> 00:08:51,475 if you record a video saying that women are not funny. 252 00:08:51,516 --> 00:08:52,850 - No! We are not saying that. - No way. 253 00:08:52,886 --> 00:08:54,453 - That is never gonna happen. - That's crazy. 254 00:08:54,489 --> 00:08:56,457 Okay. I'll give you this microphone 255 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:57,962 if you record a video 256 00:08:57,998 --> 00:09:01,233 saying musical comedy is an inferior form of comedy. 257 00:09:02,877 --> 00:09:04,744 - It kind of is, right? - Yeah. 258 00:09:04,782 --> 00:09:06,615 - Okay, fine. - Yes! Okay, nice. 259 00:09:06,653 --> 00:09:08,687 You said you'd do it. You can't chicken out. 260 00:09:08,724 --> 00:09:10,825 - Yeah, yeah, let's just get it over with. - You already said you'd do it. 261 00:09:10,862 --> 00:09:12,163 You said. You said. You said "I'd do it." 262 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,635 Okay. Okay. And... Action. 263 00:09:15,675 --> 00:09:17,509 - Hi, we're Garfunkel and Oates, and musical comedy... - Musical comedy is an inferior form of comedy. 264 00:09:17,545 --> 00:09:19,045 Dennis: No! Don't talk over each other. 265 00:09:19,082 --> 00:09:21,517 Pretend it's one of your terrible songs 266 00:09:21,555 --> 00:09:22,522 and censor yourselves. 267 00:09:22,558 --> 00:09:23,558 [ Both murmuring ] 268 00:09:23,594 --> 00:09:25,527 - Okay. - Okay. 269 00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:26,798 Now. 270 00:09:26,835 --> 00:09:28,102 Both: Hi. We're Garfunkel and Oates 271 00:09:28,138 --> 00:09:30,572 and musical comedy is an inferior form of comedy. 272 00:09:30,610 --> 00:09:32,144 [ Laughs ] 273 00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,547 Ha. People are gonna love that. 274 00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:35,351 It's so true. I'm gonna post that everywhere. 275 00:09:35,388 --> 00:09:37,256 Okay, are you happy now? Can we please have the mic? 276 00:09:37,292 --> 00:09:38,826 Oh, the microphone. 277 00:09:38,865 --> 00:09:41,599 Yes, you can have it for a price. 278 00:09:41,637 --> 00:09:44,405 Why don't you think of a number in your head, 279 00:09:44,443 --> 00:09:46,177 then double it, 280 00:09:46,214 --> 00:09:49,016 and then think of that number, and then double that number. 281 00:09:49,054 --> 00:09:50,589 $200. 282 00:09:50,625 --> 00:09:51,925 Ha! I was gonna say $30. 283 00:09:51,961 --> 00:09:53,596 Yeah, $200? Sure. Yeah, take it. 284 00:09:53,632 --> 00:09:56,100 The number in your head was $7.50? 285 00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:57,605 Yeah, I was thinking of $7.50 286 00:09:57,641 --> 00:09:58,975 and then doubling, doubling it again, yeah. 287 00:09:59,012 --> 00:10:00,112 But $200. 288 00:10:00,148 --> 00:10:02,149 So you were thinking of... 289 00:10:02,187 --> 00:10:04,321 Sixty-si... Four dollars? 290 00:10:04,358 --> 00:10:05,826 $50. 291 00:10:05,862 --> 00:10:06,829 - $50. - Yeah. 292 00:10:06,864 --> 00:10:07,997 Can we have it? 293 00:10:08,034 --> 00:10:09,234 Yes, you can have it. 294 00:10:09,269 --> 00:10:10,703 Have fun torturing people. 295 00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,842 Thank you. 296 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:15,880 Enjoy the silence of your act. 297 00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,220 Okay. [ Speaks indistinctly ] 298 00:10:17,255 --> 00:10:18,288 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 299 00:10:18,325 --> 00:10:19,726 Back of the line, ladies. 300 00:10:19,762 --> 00:10:20,928 What? No, no, no. We're Garfunkel and Oates. 301 00:10:20,965 --> 00:10:22,499 We're the comediennes. 302 00:10:22,535 --> 00:10:24,169 Yeah, right. Nice try. Come on. Back of the line. 303 00:10:24,205 --> 00:10:25,373 No, no, no. This is our show. We're performing tonight. 304 00:10:25,409 --> 00:10:26,809 Well, are you on the list? 305 00:10:26,847 --> 00:10:27,980 Because unless your name is Pavel the driver, 306 00:10:28,015 --> 00:10:29,516 you're not getting in. 307 00:10:29,552 --> 00:10:32,220 No, we put him on the list 'cause this is our show. 308 00:10:32,259 --> 00:10:34,126 Right, right. Show me some I.D. 309 00:10:34,163 --> 00:10:36,298 It doesn't say "Garfunkel" on it. 310 00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:38,536 Well, then you're not getting in. 311 00:10:38,573 --> 00:10:40,141 That is it about us that makes you think we're not comediennes? 312 00:10:40,177 --> 00:10:41,644 Is it 'cause we're women? 313 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,982 No. Y'all just don't have that "it" factor. 314 00:10:44,021 --> 00:10:45,621 Or whatever it is Zooey Deschanel has 315 00:10:45,658 --> 00:10:47,459 when she puts her glasses on. Y'all ain't got it. 316 00:10:47,495 --> 00:10:49,530 She's the red buttons of our time. 317 00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:50,801 Yes. 318 00:10:50,837 --> 00:10:52,037 Oh. No. Look. 319 00:10:52,072 --> 00:10:53,506 - This is us. - This is us on the sign. 320 00:10:53,543 --> 00:10:55,644 - Yeah. Look. We're not funny. - It's true. 321 00:10:55,681 --> 00:10:57,849 Okay. Hey, good thing he came along. Come on in. 322 00:10:57,886 --> 00:10:59,286 - Thank for helping us, Dennis. - Thank you. 323 00:10:59,324 --> 00:11:00,624 - Bye, Dennis. - What? You need me to help you? 324 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:01,794 You can't even get into your own show 325 00:11:01,831 --> 00:11:04,231 - without a man. - You hitting that? 326 00:11:04,269 --> 00:11:07,504 No, I'm not hitting that. Why would I hit something without any "it" factor? 327 00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:09,211 Don't even think it too loud. 328 00:11:09,247 --> 00:11:10,614 That's also a joke. 329 00:11:10,650 --> 00:11:12,651 Don... Don't worry about the patter, folks. 330 00:11:12,689 --> 00:11:15,057 I'm not really going for laughs, obviously. 331 00:11:15,096 --> 00:11:16,762 This is solar-powered. 332 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,701 I need to get more light. 333 00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:20,437 There it is. There it is! 334 00:11:20,475 --> 00:11:22,275 [ Sighs ] He's been out there for an hour. 335 00:11:22,312 --> 00:11:25,114 I know! The audience is gonna be so freaking tired. 336 00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:26,386 - Ugh. - This stinks. 337 00:11:26,422 --> 00:11:27,923 Kate, I think Laura might be dying. 338 00:11:27,959 --> 00:11:29,226 Oh, no. 339 00:11:29,262 --> 00:11:30,897 - Mm-hmm. - Like, she's not gonna make it? 340 00:11:30,934 --> 00:11:32,668 No, this is the last show she's ever gonna see. 341 00:11:32,704 --> 00:11:34,839 - Oh, she's keeping it a secret from her family. - Mm-hmm. 342 00:11:34,876 --> 00:11:36,976 Yeah, no one's gonna raise her son who has leukemia. 343 00:11:37,014 --> 00:11:39,115 - Oh, man. - Yeah, we got to do a good show for her. 344 00:11:39,153 --> 00:11:40,319 All right. 345 00:11:40,356 --> 00:11:42,590 Who's Laura? 346 00:11:42,627 --> 00:11:44,295 Oh, she's just our imaginary fan 347 00:11:44,331 --> 00:11:46,866 that we pretend is in the audience so we do a great show. 348 00:11:46,905 --> 00:11:48,639 I can't believe you're both single. 349 00:11:48,676 --> 00:11:50,677 Look, I just wanted you to know 350 00:11:50,714 --> 00:11:52,748 that I've accepted your apology 351 00:11:52,786 --> 00:11:55,754 for treating me like a bastard man and I'm back. 352 00:11:55,793 --> 00:11:56,960 Hmm! 353 00:11:56,996 --> 00:11:59,297 Thank you. Thanks so much, Tom. 354 00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:00,301 Sorry again. 355 00:12:00,337 --> 00:12:02,338 Okay, you know what we need? 356 00:12:02,374 --> 00:12:03,875 - What? - Andy Dufresne. 357 00:12:03,913 --> 00:12:05,880 - [ Deep voice ] Andy Dufresne. - Yeah. 358 00:12:05,918 --> 00:12:07,451 - Andy Dufresne. - Remember in the movie, in Shawshank 359 00:12:07,488 --> 00:12:09,022 where it was like he had to crawl through 360 00:12:09,059 --> 00:12:10,759 five football fields of shit before you get out there? 361 00:12:10,795 --> 00:12:13,264 Yeah. Right before he, like, posed in the rain, like... 362 00:12:13,301 --> 00:12:14,635 Right. 363 00:12:14,671 --> 00:12:15,838 Like, we're in, like, our third football field 364 00:12:15,874 --> 00:12:17,509 and we have two more to go. 365 00:12:17,545 --> 00:12:18,512 And then we... 366 00:12:18,548 --> 00:12:19,515 Pose in the rain. 367 00:12:19,551 --> 00:12:21,352 Yeah. 368 00:12:21,389 --> 00:12:23,056 - Let's do it. - Yeah. 369 00:12:23,092 --> 00:12:28,229 And now I present to you my final trick. 370 00:12:28,271 --> 00:12:29,672 - I have to pee. - Now? 371 00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,275 - Yeah. - You have the worst pee timing. 372 00:12:31,311 --> 00:12:32,578 Well, I can't wait till after our show. 373 00:12:32,614 --> 00:12:33,948 Fine. I'll go with you. 374 00:12:33,985 --> 00:12:35,385 But the bathrooms are way back there. 375 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,790 Yeah, we can't walk through the crowd. 376 00:12:36,826 --> 00:12:37,959 Where are we gonna go? 377 00:12:39,165 --> 00:12:40,131 I can't go. 378 00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:41,133 Me neither. 379 00:12:41,170 --> 00:12:42,936 Oh, how do we relax? 380 00:12:42,972 --> 00:12:44,507 Mm, maybe if we make the sound of water? 381 00:12:44,543 --> 00:12:45,643 - Just like, shhhhh? - Yeah. 382 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,415 - Shhhh. - Shhh. 383 00:12:48,453 --> 00:12:49,553 Eh, that's not working. 384 00:12:49,589 --> 00:12:50,888 - No. - Um... 385 00:12:50,926 --> 00:12:52,260 Should we sing? 386 00:12:52,296 --> 00:12:53,963 - You go first? - Okay. Okay. 387 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,102 ? You know an object at rest is depressed. ? 388 00:12:56,138 --> 00:12:58,273 ? You can't have inertia with things unexpressed. ? 389 00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:00,310 ? By the time I knew politeness was the opposite of brilliance... ? 390 00:13:00,348 --> 00:13:01,849 - I'm peeing! - Me too! 391 00:13:01,885 --> 00:13:03,652 ? ...and lost my resilience without me. ? 392 00:13:03,689 --> 00:13:04,857 Oh! 393 00:13:04,893 --> 00:13:05,860 - Oh! Oh! - Ew! 394 00:13:05,895 --> 00:13:07,162 Ew! Ew! 395 00:13:07,199 --> 00:13:08,699 Oh, I fell into my pee! 396 00:13:08,736 --> 00:13:10,670 Oh, no, no, no. That's my pee. Your pee's downhill. 397 00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,341 - Ew! Ew! - Are you okay? 398 00:13:12,378 --> 00:13:13,411 Yes, but gross! 399 00:13:13,446 --> 00:13:14,781 - Ugh! - Oh, my God. 400 00:13:14,817 --> 00:13:16,016 [ Muffled cheers and applause ] 401 00:13:16,052 --> 00:13:17,052 It's locked. 402 00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:18,555 - Hello? - Hello? 403 00:13:18,592 --> 00:13:19,592 Let's go around. 404 00:13:21,098 --> 00:13:22,465 This sucks! 405 00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:25,170 You're soaked in pee, we don't have a sound guy! 406 00:13:25,209 --> 00:13:27,311 Dude, you sound like me. Get it together! 407 00:13:27,347 --> 00:13:28,880 We got to go in there and we got to be funny, 408 00:13:28,918 --> 00:13:30,519 so we got to let it go! 409 00:13:30,555 --> 00:13:32,222 Unh, unh, unh, ladies. Where do you think you're going? 410 00:13:32,258 --> 00:13:35,694 We are going inside so we can do a show and you can get paid. 411 00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:37,067 You need to do that. 412 00:13:37,103 --> 00:13:38,237 Go ahead. Hurry up. Get paid. 413 00:13:38,273 --> 00:13:39,473 I like that part. Yeah. 414 00:13:39,509 --> 00:13:40,643 Thank you. No, thank you. Thank you. 415 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:41,980 Keep that up. 416 00:13:42,016 --> 00:13:43,650 You just let them in? 417 00:13:43,686 --> 00:13:45,221 Women are not funny. 418 00:13:45,257 --> 00:13:48,625 That audience should not be subjected to women. 419 00:13:48,665 --> 00:13:49,865 Singing women? 420 00:13:49,901 --> 00:13:52,135 Do you think singing women are funny? 421 00:13:52,173 --> 00:13:53,340 I like Heart. 422 00:13:53,376 --> 00:13:54,876 The group Heart? 423 00:13:54,912 --> 00:13:56,680 I like the group Heart, too, but they're not funny. 424 00:13:57,283 --> 00:14:00,007 It's like if your accountant did tricks. 425 00:14:00,034 --> 00:14:02,238 That's how I... I don't advertise it that way, 426 00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,643 but think of it that way. 427 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:09,250 And now please welcome Garfunkel & Oates. 428 00:14:09,292 --> 00:14:10,392 [ Applause ] 429 00:14:10,428 --> 00:14:11,896 Riki: Thank you. [ Giggles ] 430 00:14:11,933 --> 00:14:13,366 Hey, guys. 431 00:14:13,403 --> 00:14:15,971 One more time for the Flaming Michael Carson. 432 00:14:16,009 --> 00:14:17,977 [ Applause ] 433 00:14:18,013 --> 00:14:19,247 In this first song, 434 00:14:19,283 --> 00:14:20,584 we play the same woman two years apart. 435 00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:21,587 I'm 29. 436 00:14:21,622 --> 00:14:23,022 And I'm 31. 437 00:14:23,058 --> 00:14:25,127 Same woman, two years apart, singing about love. 438 00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:26,431 This song is called... 439 00:14:26,467 --> 00:14:28,001 - "29, 31". - "29, 31". 440 00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,986 ? For the first time in my life, I see it clearly. ? 441 00:14:36,024 --> 00:14:38,224 ? I've realized the power of being a woman. ? 442 00:14:38,262 --> 00:14:40,363 ? 29 years old, and time's on my side. ? 443 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,368 ? I'm in my prime, I've hit my stride. ? 444 00:14:42,405 --> 00:14:44,473 ? I've got so much charisma and so many options. ? 445 00:14:44,511 --> 00:14:46,012 ? It's nice to always have my pick. ? 446 00:14:47,017 --> 00:14:48,917 ? There's nobody left. ? 447 00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:51,423 ? I'm all alone. ? 448 00:14:52,664 --> 00:14:54,931 ? I'm at the top of my game, possibilities are endless, ? 449 00:14:54,968 --> 00:14:57,136 ? and I just feel really pretty. ? 450 00:14:57,174 --> 00:14:59,175 ? I'm holding out for someone who meets my standards. ? 451 00:14:59,213 --> 00:15:01,347 ? Won't settle for anything less than perfect. ? 452 00:15:01,385 --> 00:15:03,386 ? I know what I want and I can have it. ? 453 00:15:03,424 --> 00:15:05,357 ? I'm surrounded by love and peace. ? 454 00:15:05,394 --> 00:15:07,196 ? There's nobody left. ? 455 00:15:07,232 --> 00:15:09,700 ? I'm all alone. ? 456 00:15:09,739 --> 00:15:11,940 ? Why did I wait? What's wrong with me? ? 457 00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:14,311 ? In two short years, I'm gonna be 33. ? 458 00:15:14,349 --> 00:15:16,450 ? Who the hell will want me then, my ovaries are shrinking. ? 459 00:15:16,488 --> 00:15:18,389 ? I'm disgusting and everyone feels bad for me, ? 460 00:15:18,426 --> 00:15:22,363 ? and I never get invited to dinner parties anymore. ? 461 00:15:22,402 --> 00:15:24,570 ? There's nobody left. ? ? I'm a catch, just look at me. ? 462 00:15:24,607 --> 00:15:26,742 ? I'm all alone. ? ? I'm smart and hot and have lots of interests. ? 463 00:15:26,779 --> 00:15:28,513 You're such an idiot! ? The man of my dreams is definitely out there. ? 464 00:15:28,550 --> 00:15:30,451 You think you're so special, 'cause people tell you that now, 465 00:15:30,488 --> 00:15:31,888 but that will stop. ? He's my future, he's the one. ? 466 00:15:31,925 --> 00:15:33,660 They'll be replaced with looks of pity. 467 00:15:33,697 --> 00:15:35,765 ? The world is a buffet of love. ? 468 00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,135 ? Everything happens for a reason. ? 469 00:15:37,171 --> 00:15:38,671 ? You know, I truly believe that. ? 470 00:15:38,708 --> 00:15:40,142 ? Yeah, you said that before. ? 471 00:15:40,179 --> 00:15:41,813 ? Just say, "hey, universe, I'm ready!" ? 472 00:15:41,849 --> 00:15:43,449 ? It'll happen when you least expect it. ? 473 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,020 ? Well, I don't expect it at all now. ? 474 00:15:45,056 --> 00:15:46,523 ? So I guess it's right around the corner. ? 475 00:15:46,559 --> 00:15:48,027 ? Maybe you're putting out the wrong vibe. ? 476 00:15:48,064 --> 00:15:49,698 ? Maybe you're closed off to love. ? 477 00:15:49,735 --> 00:15:51,803 ? Let me tell you a secret. It's called The Secret. ? 478 00:15:51,841 --> 00:15:53,907 ? Here's another secret. You're an asshole. ? 479 00:15:53,945 --> 00:15:55,946 ? Your negativity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. ? 480 00:15:55,982 --> 00:15:58,150 ? The reason things go well for me is 'cause of positivity. ? 481 00:15:58,187 --> 00:16:00,255 ? Well, I'm positive fertility always begins to atrophy, ? 482 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,327 ? when infantile fantasy eclipses true reality. ? 483 00:16:02,365 --> 00:16:03,698 ? It never once occurred to me ? 484 00:16:03,736 --> 00:16:04,969 ? that things won't work out perfectly. ? 485 00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:05,972 ? When God closes a door, you see, ? 486 00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:08,308 ? He opens a window. ? 487 00:16:08,346 --> 00:16:10,313 You realize that's a smaller opening, right? 488 00:16:10,351 --> 00:16:11,517 You used to be able to just walk out a door. 489 00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:12,820 And now you have to climb out 490 00:16:12,857 --> 00:16:14,324 some slightly-ajar window somewhere 491 00:16:14,361 --> 00:16:15,895 possibly falling, like, eight stories to your death. 492 00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:18,266 That is not an upgrade. And you know what else? 493 00:16:18,303 --> 00:16:20,637 ? There's nobody left. ? ? 7 billion people on the planet. ? 494 00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:23,111 ? I'm all alone. ? ? My options will never, ever run out. ? 495 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,617 Aaah! ? You can't love someone else till you love yourself. ? 496 00:16:25,654 --> 00:16:27,522 ? You can't love someone else till you love yourself. ? 497 00:16:27,559 --> 00:16:30,461 Aaaaah! ? You can't love someone else till you love yourself. ? 498 00:16:30,499 --> 00:16:31,999 ? 'Cause life is... ? 499 00:16:32,036 --> 00:16:33,002 - ? Good. ? - Over. 500 00:16:33,038 --> 00:16:34,572 [ Feedback ] 501 00:16:34,609 --> 00:16:38,245 T... Tom, can you fix the mic, please? 502 00:16:38,285 --> 00:16:39,953 Don't you know how to say please? 503 00:16:39,989 --> 00:16:41,824 I did say please. 504 00:16:41,861 --> 00:16:44,895 Were you raised next to an airport? 505 00:16:44,934 --> 00:16:46,801 I will not be yelled at! 506 00:16:46,838 --> 00:16:51,275 I'm a sound man, a man of sound! 507 00:16:51,316 --> 00:16:53,951 A s... Shh... Oh. 508 00:16:53,990 --> 00:16:55,690 Shove it! 509 00:16:55,727 --> 00:16:58,029 Thank you. 510 00:16:58,066 --> 00:17:00,433 Okay, so, uh, Riki and I are really bad at giving hand jobs. 511 00:17:00,471 --> 00:17:01,738 Yeah. 512 00:17:01,774 --> 00:17:02,875 And we wrote a rap song about it. 513 00:17:02,911 --> 00:17:04,478 - Hit it, Tom. - Hit it, Tom. 514 00:17:05,517 --> 00:17:06,650 Tom, now would be a really great time 515 00:17:06,686 --> 00:17:09,588 to play that CD we gave you, please? 516 00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:11,495 Andrew: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. 517 00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:13,466 Oh, um... We have a very special surprise 518 00:17:13,503 --> 00:17:14,503 for you guys tonight. 519 00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:16,540 Uh, the manager. 520 00:17:16,576 --> 00:17:19,645 Oh, they know who I am. How's everybody tonight? 521 00:17:19,684 --> 00:17:21,419 - Where'd he get the extra mic? - Just take a couple seconds here. 522 00:17:21,455 --> 00:17:23,789 Allen, if you please. 523 00:17:23,826 --> 00:17:26,862 There's a very special lady in the audience tonight, Jennifer. 524 00:17:26,902 --> 00:17:29,771 Ever since I saw you on Real World: Tampa 525 00:17:29,809 --> 00:17:31,477 I knew you were the one 526 00:17:31,513 --> 00:17:34,815 and I, well, you're just so... damn hot 527 00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:37,456 and... And pretty nice, really. 528 00:17:37,493 --> 00:17:39,861 That's, uh, that's why I would love it 529 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:42,868 if you would share what's left of my life with me. 530 00:17:42,908 --> 00:17:44,575 Huh? 531 00:17:44,612 --> 00:17:46,713 Oh, wait. 532 00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:48,417 - No. No, no. I don't think we should... - Yeah, let them hear you. 533 00:17:48,453 --> 00:17:49,886 No. We should talk about this in private. 534 00:17:49,923 --> 00:17:51,224 No, no. Now's a good time. 535 00:17:51,260 --> 00:17:52,793 Private's not an option. Everyone's looking. 536 00:17:52,830 --> 00:17:54,297 - Okay. Well... - Go ahead. 537 00:17:54,335 --> 00:17:55,602 Oh, okay. It's pretty. 538 00:17:55,637 --> 00:17:57,471 Well, if you had asked me earlier, 539 00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,311 I... I might have been like, "whatever, might as well." 540 00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:04,085 - Yeah. - But then I just heard that "29, 31" song, 541 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:09,896 and I was like, "whaaat?" 542 00:18:11,608 --> 00:18:12,642 I'm only 28. 543 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,446 I still have a few years left 544 00:18:14,483 --> 00:18:16,918 before things get really bleak for me. 545 00:18:16,956 --> 00:18:19,524 I got to see what kind of dude I can land 546 00:18:19,562 --> 00:18:20,862 while I'm still hot. 547 00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:23,166 Yeah, but I'm offering you a future now. 548 00:18:23,204 --> 00:18:24,370 I know. 549 00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:27,175 And if I was that 31-year-old bag, 550 00:18:27,214 --> 00:18:30,082 you know, the blonde one with no options, 551 00:18:30,121 --> 00:18:32,756 I would do it for sure, but I'm not. 552 00:18:32,794 --> 00:18:34,962 I feel like hearing that song 553 00:18:34,999 --> 00:18:37,235 was a sign from The Secret. 554 00:18:37,272 --> 00:18:40,673 So... No. 555 00:18:40,712 --> 00:18:43,647 Jen... Jennifer. 556 00:18:48,031 --> 00:18:49,665 Thank you, Garfunkel & Oates. 557 00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,302 [ Thud ] 558 00:18:52,475 --> 00:18:54,209 Um, well. 559 00:18:54,246 --> 00:18:57,281 So, uh, that was uncomfortable. [ Chuckles ] 560 00:18:57,319 --> 00:18:58,719 But, you know what, we promised you a comedy show 561 00:18:58,756 --> 00:19:01,123 and, uh, we are gonna give you a comedy show. 562 00:19:01,163 --> 00:19:02,697 Hey, Tom, now would be a great time to play that CD 563 00:19:02,733 --> 00:19:04,601 so we'll get the show on the road. 564 00:19:04,637 --> 00:19:06,672 Sorry. I quit again. 565 00:19:06,709 --> 00:19:08,276 [ Sighs ] Okay. 566 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,013 - You know what? - So, we are gonna do this song 567 00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:12,852 with no mics and no backing track. 568 00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:14,590 - 'Cause who needs 'em? - Let's do it. 569 00:19:14,627 --> 00:19:16,261 Okay. 570 00:19:16,298 --> 00:19:18,265 [ Beatboxing ] 571 00:19:18,304 --> 00:19:20,171 [ Rapping ] ? I got a problem and I can't contain it. ? 572 00:19:20,209 --> 00:19:22,443 ? I'll use my icky, sticky rhymes and help me explain it. ? 573 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,014 [ Rapping ] ? Handy J's are like Stonehenge to me. ? 574 00:19:24,051 --> 00:19:25,651 ? Robert Stack can't even unsolve this mys... ? 575 00:19:28,729 --> 00:19:30,796 How are we gonna get home? 576 00:19:30,834 --> 00:19:34,903 [ Chuckles, clapping ] 577 00:19:34,943 --> 00:19:37,879 And thus it is proven once and for all 578 00:19:37,917 --> 00:19:40,386 that women do not belong in comedy. 579 00:19:40,424 --> 00:19:41,624 [ Chuckles ] You know what, Dennis? 580 00:19:41,659 --> 00:19:43,460 - What? - You can try to bring us down, 581 00:19:43,498 --> 00:19:45,731 - but it's not gonna work. - Ooh. 582 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,937 - 'Cause idiots like you helped us... - Oh, real nice calling me an idiot. 583 00:19:47,974 --> 00:19:50,009 - Yeah. You're an idiot. - Real nice calling me an idiot. 584 00:19:50,047 --> 00:19:51,314 - You're an idiot! - Oh. 585 00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:53,084 And you helped us build the resources 586 00:19:53,121 --> 00:19:55,989 to keep your bullshit out of our head space. 587 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,594 And we're strong now, Dennis. 588 00:19:57,631 --> 00:19:59,832 We are doing stuff on a level that you can't even see. 589 00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:02,305 - [ Mockingly ] Unh, unh, I can't see. - You can't. 590 00:20:02,342 --> 00:20:05,110 You can try to keep us down, but it's never going to work, 591 00:20:05,150 --> 00:20:06,717 so you might as well give up. 592 00:20:06,754 --> 00:20:10,657 Also, Dennis, we're really tired and we need a ride. 593 00:20:10,696 --> 00:20:13,698 So, it'd be great if you could just see us as people 594 00:20:13,737 --> 00:20:17,173 and not the enemy and maybe just help us out. 595 00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:20,917 All right, I'll give you a ride. 596 00:20:20,955 --> 00:20:22,322 Really? 597 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:24,426 Yeah, but I... I need money for gas. 598 00:20:24,463 --> 00:20:25,929 Uh, $200. 599 00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:27,368 - Great. - Okay. 600 00:20:28,606 --> 00:20:30,107 - You're gonna give me $200? - Yeah. 601 00:20:30,143 --> 00:20:31,410 - Sure. - Great. Oh! 602 00:20:31,446 --> 00:20:32,913 - Thank you. - Okay. Yeah. 603 00:20:32,949 --> 00:20:34,850 Yeah, we'll go get ice cream or something after. 604 00:20:34,888 --> 00:20:36,522 - Maybe. - Okay. Okay, yeah. 605 00:20:36,558 --> 00:20:38,358 All right. [ Chuckles ] 606 00:20:38,397 --> 00:20:40,698 - Wow. - Okay. What was that? 607 00:20:40,736 --> 00:20:42,469 I don't know. 608 00:20:42,506 --> 00:20:43,706 - But now we're going to have to ride with Dennis. - Ew! 609 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,343 - Garfunkel & Oates! - Garfunkel & Oates! 610 00:20:45,379 --> 00:20:46,613 - What?! - Garfunkel & Oates? 611 00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:47,883 - Riki: Yeah! - Oh, my God. 612 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,020 We love you guys so much! 613 00:20:49,055 --> 00:20:50,522 - Oh. - Thank you. 614 00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:52,125 - We're, like, your number-one fans. - Yeah! 615 00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:53,729 - Oh, my God. - Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you. 616 00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:55,734 Yeah, seriously. My grandfather died a few hours ago 617 00:20:55,772 --> 00:20:58,307 and you really just took my mind right off it. 618 00:20:58,344 --> 00:20:59,844 Oh, that's great. 619 00:20:59,881 --> 00:21:01,248 - I'm really sorry about your grandfather. - Yeah. 620 00:21:01,285 --> 00:21:03,018 Oh, yeah, you know, it happens. [ Chuckles ] 621 00:21:03,056 --> 00:21:04,856 Oh, I'm Shelly, by the way. This is Laura. 622 00:21:04,893 --> 00:21:05,993 - Hi. - Wait. 623 00:21:06,029 --> 00:21:07,430 Your name is Laura? 624 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,800 Yeah. 625 00:21:08,836 --> 00:21:09,903 - That is so cool. - That's awesome. 626 00:21:09,939 --> 00:21:11,039 Ah! I feel like a sign. 627 00:21:11,076 --> 00:21:12,576 It's so nice to meet you. 628 00:21:12,613 --> 00:21:14,446 - Yeah. - I know... This is a weird question, 629 00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:15,717 but I just have to ask. 630 00:21:15,753 --> 00:21:16,853 Um, does your son have leukemia? 631 00:21:16,889 --> 00:21:18,023 Um, no. 632 00:21:18,058 --> 00:21:19,926 My son doesn't have leukemia. 633 00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:22,331 A... And also, I don't have a son, so... 634 00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:23,969 - Oh. - That's cool. All right. 635 00:21:24,007 --> 00:21:25,240 - Yeah. - Just checking. 636 00:21:25,276 --> 00:21:27,177 - Got to check, I guess. - Yeah. 637 00:21:27,214 --> 00:21:28,381 Okay, well... 638 00:21:28,417 --> 00:21:30,352 Congrats again! Love you guys! 639 00:21:30,388 --> 00:21:31,755 Thanks for the show, guys. 640 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,159 Thank you. 641 00:21:33,195 --> 00:21:35,429 - Okay. - All right. 642 00:21:35,467 --> 00:21:37,100 I'm just gonna take that as a positive interaction. 643 00:21:37,138 --> 00:21:39,173 That wasn't Laura, but it totally could have been. 644 00:21:39,209 --> 00:21:40,576 - Yeah, her son could have leukemia. - Right. 645 00:21:40,612 --> 00:21:41,645 - She could have had a son. - Totally. 646 00:21:41,683 --> 00:21:43,216 Never know. 647 00:21:43,252 --> 00:21:44,519 - I mean, lots of people have sons. - Yeah. 648 00:21:44,556 --> 00:21:47,524 Hurry up! Why am I helping you guys?! 649 00:21:48,517 --> 00:21:51,195 You know, this was the worst gig ever. 650 00:21:51,216 --> 00:21:53,184 Mm-hmm. At least we have the best story. 651 00:21:53,221 --> 00:21:54,288 Yeah, that's true. 652 00:21:54,323 --> 00:21:55,457 - Mm. - Happy 1,000th show. 653 00:21:55,494 --> 00:21:57,261 Yeah. Here's to the next 1,000. 654 00:21:57,298 --> 00:21:58,664 Really? 655 00:21:58,701 --> 00:22:00,268 - Yeah. - Dennis: Where is it? 656 00:22:00,305 --> 00:22:01,773 What are you looking for? 657 00:22:01,809 --> 00:22:04,043 Well, I've never told you guys this, 658 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,782 but I am a musician. 659 00:22:05,818 --> 00:22:07,985 I mean, not like you guys. I am a real musician. 660 00:22:08,023 --> 00:22:09,123 - Oh, cool. - Okay. 661 00:22:09,159 --> 00:22:10,293 I'm a jazz singer 662 00:22:10,328 --> 00:22:12,095 and I just came out with a demo, 663 00:22:12,133 --> 00:22:14,167 which I would like to play for you. 664 00:22:14,205 --> 00:22:15,506 Do you see it in there? 665 00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:16,742 No. 666 00:22:16,777 --> 00:22:18,578 I... I only see parking tickets and tampons. 667 00:22:18,615 --> 00:22:20,417 Those parking tickets are not mine. 668 00:22:20,453 --> 00:22:22,955 I guess I'll just have to sing it for you guys. 669 00:22:22,993 --> 00:22:24,560 - Oh. - That's all right, though. 670 00:22:24,596 --> 00:22:25,964 - We're good. - Count me off. 671 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,733 Three, four. 672 00:22:27,768 --> 00:22:29,436 ? Zippity zippity bop! ? 673 00:22:29,471 --> 00:22:31,339 ? A-zippity zippity bop! ? 674 00:22:31,373 --> 00:22:35,342 ? A-zippity zippity boppity boppity zippity zippity bop! ? 675 00:22:35,376 --> 00:22:37,310 ? A-zippity zippity bop! ? 676 00:22:37,345 --> 00:22:38,445 ? A-zippity zippity... 677 00:22:38,495 --> 00:22:43,045 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 50486

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