All language subtitles for Garfunkel and Oates s01e02 Rule 34.eng

? You, yeah, you,
you're really cool. ?

? You can be anything
you wanna be. ?

? Time to fly,
I'm talking to you. ?

? No hablo espa�ol. ?

? Let's see you move forward,
stand your ground. ?

? Hang in there
while you're doing it, ?

? and sail away
into the sunset, baby. ?

? Dream your dreams
into the sky. ?

? Oh, yeah, you really got it,
yeah, now you really got it. ?

? Yeah, hey,
you really got it, yeah. ?

? Don't stop being cool. ?

- Brad?
- Brad.

Okay, I'm not an expert
on boy bands,

but are you sure there was
a Brad in Man 2 Man?

Yeah, he was the chubby one
with the brown hair.

He always stood in the back.
He was my favorite.

- That was your favorite?
- Yeah.

That is the definition
of a low-self-esteem crush.

Oh, I didn't really have it
in me to like the hot one.

Oh, I did.

- Garfunkel & Oates! Hi!
- Hi!

- Hi!
- Hi.

We are so excited to meet you.

I'm Epiphany,
and this is my bestie, Chevrolet.

- Hey.
- Hey.

It's spelled like "Chevrolet,"
the car,

- but I don't believe in silent letters.
- It's her trademark.

It just feels
really dis-honest.

Yeah.
- Hmm.

Well, thanks for coming
to the show.

Yeah, thanks, guys.

- Wait, so...
- We're...

We're not just fans.
We're you.

Yeah!

I mean,
we played you in a movie.

- A film.
- A porn film.

Yeah.

Wait, there's a porn
of Garfunkel & Oates?

- Hello?!
- Yeah.

Rule 34.

Rule 34 of the Internet states,

if something exists,
there's a porn version of it.

And we even did a video,

and we put it on YouTube
just like you guys.

- Oh, cool, congrats.
- That's... That's awesome.

- That's cool.
- Yeah.

So, now what?

Now what, what?

What do we do next?

We want to be a real joke band
like you guys.

Oh, well, I don't...
I mean,

if you just work really hard,
I guess.

Yeah, or, you know,
if someone with a lot of followers

- tweets about you or something.
- Yeah.

- Oh!
- Oh, really?! Like... Like, who?

- Like...
- Like...

- Like, like...
- Like, um...

Like someone...
Like Chris Hardwick.

- Oh!
- Chris Hardwick?

I worked with Chris Hardwick.

Super tan dude
with an ivory-white penis?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

No, no,
he's a comedian, podcaster.

I don't know what color
his penis is.

It's probably, like, peach...
Normal-colored.

- Yeah.
- Maybe. We don't really know.

- I don't really know, but I'm guessing.
- You know.

Okay, whatever color it is, that, like,
sounds perf. Give me your e-mail.

Oh, it's, uh,
oates@garfunkelandoates.com.

Oh.

Are you gonna send our video
to him?

Like, right now?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, o-okay, yeah.
I could, um...

Write, like,
"they're great," or...

A smiley face, then.
Okay.

Send.

- There you go.
- Oh, great.

You didn't have to do that.
Thank you.

You're the best.
You guys are the best.

I mean, maybe we'll be opening
for you one day.

- Yeah. Maybe you'll open for us!
- Oh!

Probably not.

- Okay, bye!
- Bye!

- Bye!
- Cheers.

Bye.

- Whoa.
- What?

God, what do you think
our porn is called?

I don't know.
Which one was me?

- Rule 34 is no joke.
- Yeah.

Ohh.

Porn version of
Bowling for Columbine. Gross.

- No!
- What?

A porn of Pumpernickel Place!

No, that show was
my whole childhood.

I know. Me, too.

I don't want to see puppets,
like, gang-bang.

Oh, my God.

- Garfinger & Butts?
- Ew!

Ohh, if I ever wanted
to murder my parents silently

and with no mess,
I could just show them this.

Well, we found it.
Let's get out of here and get to the airport.

Yeah, can't wait to get
to our corporate gig.

You know, corporate gigs
kind of feel like porn.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- All set?
- Yep.

- Yeah.
- All righty, then.

So, that will be...

Hey.

Is this you?

No. No.

This is you!

- No, no, not us. Ew.
- No, actually, not at all.

- It's not. It's a very long story.
- Ohh, yeah, sure.

Are you girls gonna doodle
yourselves to yourselves?

- Ew! No! God! Mnh-mnh.
- No! God, no!

Dirty D. don't judge.
Hell, you girls should be proud.

You got your own...
You got your own porno,

and that's
gonna make you famous.

- Mm-hmm. Thank you.
- Oh, look, Riki, it's a flashlight.

We need a flashlight.

- Kate, that is not a flashlight.
- Oh, God.

Actually, that is a flashlight.

Oh. We'll...
We'll take that, too, then.

Oh. I'm nervous.

Yeah.

- Liki Roundhole? Ew.
- Ohh!

- That's not right.
- Mnh-mnh.

Kate M. Coochie.
That makes sense.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. Bonfonzio.

Thank you so much
for meeting with us.

Us meeting here is
like it's fate.

We just k-now
we were meant

to be comedy-music
superstars.

And we would do anything
for a record deal.

- Anything.
- Anything.

- Anything.
- Anything.

Anything.

- Now is the sex part.
- Mm, boring.

I just don't think I get porn.

Oh, I get it.

I just don't think they make it for me,
you know?

If they did, it would be
15 minutes of hand-holding

and 15 minutes of him
telling me how pretty I am.

- Oh, so you're in this. Okay.
- Yeah.

Then 15 minutes of him

- going down on me, obviously.
- Mm-hmm.

Then 42 minutes of him massaging me
while I watch Procedure.

You know, I think my porn
would be really different, too.

? Apples,
they're my favorite fruit. ?

? Apples,
they taste very good. ?

? Apples,
they're my favorite... ?

- Oh! They're gonna sing.
- Ooh! Okay.

- Hey, I'm Garfinger.
- And I'm Butts.

And we'd like to play you

a little song
about self-confidence.

? Where's my confidence?
Where's my trust in me? ?

? All this pressure
is gonna bust in me. ?

? Find the strength inside,
my heart is open wide. ?

? It's time to bring out
what's inside. ?

? So come on, me, come on, me. ?

? Come on, me, come on, me. ?

? I'm in a funk,
I need some spunk. ?

? So come on, me. ?

? So come on, me, come on, me. ?

? Come on, me, come on, me. ?

? I'm in a funk,
I need some spunk. ?

? So come on, me. ?

? I hold my chest up high,
close my eyes. ?

? Come on, you can do it. ?

? Come on, me, come on, me. ?

? Come on, me, come on, me. ?

? We're gonna, we're gonna,
we're gonna... ?

Mm, okay.

- Ohh.
- God, that video was awful.

- But the song was pretty good.
- I know.

- I kind of wish we'd written it.
- I know, me, too.

Wait, is that the video
you sent to Hardwick?

I don't know.
Let me check.

Oh, my God, it is.
And he tweeted about it.

He did?

- Oh, my God!
- What?

Well, that's only
99 million more views

than we've ever gotten.

? What's gonna happen next? ?

Boy, did you guys come
on the right day.

Very exciting things happening
here for Wesker-Wynn.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, absolutely.

Well, as you probably know,
here at Wesker-Wynn,

we focus
on global pro-synergy.

We're all
about intuitive solutions

incorporating bleeding-edge
haptics in push data.

Oh, you know,
emergent cyber-architecture.

Uh, trans-opportunistic
revenue streams.

Uh, well, it's like...
Oh, Susie, Susie.

Susie's got a way with words.

How would you describe
what we do here?

Well, we set
the industry standards

for cashless
tri-meta transactions.

And aggressive bifurcation.

Oh, we're also leading the
mimeosphere in dichrombic gliss.

Whoa, what's in there?

Hey, how about you don't worry
about what's in there, huh?

That sound good?

You think
you can do that? Huh?

Can you not worry
about what's in there?

Yeah, sure.

- Okay. Have a good day.
- Fantastic.

All right, well,
you guys know how this works.

The whole company's getting
together tonight

for a catered dinner,

and we'd like for you guys
to serenade us

with some
company-specific jokes.

Company-specific?

Oh, uh, don't worry.

I've, uh, made some suggestions

about areas you might mine
for laughs.

Just add comedy, right?

Shouldn't be a problem
for you funny gals.

It's so loud.

Oh, God, why hasn't there been

any advancement
in ironing-board design?

You know,
opening an ironing board

is my least-favorite part
of touring.

Okay, what rhymes with
"Jackie Botts has a shiny face"?

I don't know.
Doesn't that sound kind of mean?

Yeah, I think it's supposed
to be a roast.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Guess who's on Hardwick's podcast.
- Who?

- Garfinger & Butts.
- What?!

Please help me welcome,
uh, Garfinger & Butts --

Epiphany and Chevrolet!

- Hey, Chris!
- Hi, Chris!

- "The Confidence Song" is everywhere.
- It is.

Like, crazy everywhere.
Totally blew up.

- And then what's next?
- Yeah, it's amazing.

Ever since I was a little girl,
you know,

I always just imagined
that I'd be dead by 28.

- Oh.
- 24.

- Yeah.
- Well, good for us.

Yeah, so porn just seemed like,
"why not?" Right?

- Yeah.
- And then, Chris, look at us.

Now we're, like,
totally alive, and...

- Yeah, we are totally alive, yeah.
- There's so much happening,

and we have all these, um...

Like, what are...
What are those things?

We have, like, these...

You got, like, options?
More options to...

- Well, options is...
- Belief? Hope? Drive?

- Uh...That's not... I don't think...
- That's not the word we're looking for.

- Okay. I'm sorry.
- We're really just...

We're just getting, um, offers.

- Offers!
- Offers! Offers!

Offers. Offers to do things.

Well, let's talk about these offers.
What are you gonna do next?

- Everything.
- Everything.

- Yeah, music companies.
- Mm-hmm, movies.

- Movies.
- Mm-hmm.

Like, not... Not porn ones.

- Good.
- We're gonna do a clothing line.

- Sure.
- I'm really into children's pajamas.

- Oh.
- I think that there's a really interesting niche.

- I was offered to officiate a wedding.
- Oh.

It's just all new things.

You're moguls now. Like, you've...
You've created this thing.

- Cross-platform.
- Cross-platform, like, international, like...

Thank you, yeah. That was the...
I appreciate that.

That's what I was looking for.

So the sky's the limit
at this point.

- The sky's the limit.
- Great.

Now you're not
gonna do porn anymore?

I would like to do porn.

Yeah, I would not
rule that out.

Well, thank you.
It's really nice to see you.

And I know you have a lot of...

Oh, you know what, turn it off.
It's our agent.

Hey, Boomer.

They are?

Yeah, no, we can do that.
All right, thanks. Bye.

- Guess what.
- What?

- We have a meeting with Pumpernickel Place.
- No way! For what?

- You know Schubert and Sockley?
- Yeah.

They're gay.

Kate, everyone knows
they're gay.

I knew when I was 7.

- Really?
- They sleep in the same shoe box.

Well, they're getting married, and we're
in the running to write their wedding song.

We have a meeting
tomorrow morning.

- Wait, tomorrow morning?
- Yeah.

- We have to write a whole new song in 24 hours?
- You know what, it's fine.

After the gig, we'll come right back here,
and we'll write all night. We'll make it happen.

Okay.

Wait, if we write this,
is that gonna ruin

the sanctity of marriage
for all TV puppets?

Yeah, probably.
Jesus puppet wouldn't like it.

Mm. I wonder what puppet hell
looks like.

It's probably a lot
of paper streamers

- made to look like fire.
- Mm-hmm.

Stan, we don't do
a lot of roasts.

Are you sure
this isn't too mean?

No, no, no, no.
They love it.

They... They live
for this stuff. Yeah.

Uh, good evening,
Wesker-Wynn.

It's time
for tonight's entertainment.

Please help me welcome YouTube
parody team Garfunkel & Oates.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hi.

Good evening,
Wesker-Wynn Corporation.

Sorry we're a little bit late.

We had trouble finding parking

because apparently
Ed Fortenberry's S.U.V.

needs two whole parking spaces.

Okay, I have to ask...
Who here is a smoker?

Who let you guys out

of your chain-link cage
by the dumpster?

Okay, so we're gonna do a song

about some people
who might sound familiar.

? Wesker-Wynn
is a great place to work. ?

? That is,
if you like lunatics. ?

? No joke,
this place is filled with weirdos, ?

? and at least one embezzler
in the mix. ?

I'm talking to you,
Phil Taylor in marketing.

Hands off the petty cash,
sticky fingers.

? Then there's boozy Susie
in accounting. ?

? She starts every day
with a case of beer. ?

? And don't get me started
on Sam Altman. ?

? He's slept
with every secretary here. ?

? And the boss has hardly been
to work at all. ?

? Since he met his boyfriend,
Paul. ?

? Since he met his boyfriend,
Paul. ?

? Jackie Botts has a shiny... ?

I'm functional, okay?!

Please don't send me
back to Rancho Mirage.

I wanted to come out
in my own time.

- In my own time!
- Yeah, well, Stan had said...

How do you like that,
you shit-licks?!

Ooh!

I bet you wish you'd been nicer
to old Stan now, huh?!

You are all human garbage.

And I have had it
with this death farm!

I quit!

Good luck getting paid.

- Thank you, everyone.
- Good night, everyone.

Have a great banquet.

I am so tired, I don't
even know what we just wrote.

I think we wrote a beautiful ode
to partnership.

- Is it gay enough?
- I don't really know how to measure that.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

- Garfunkel & Oates!
- Hi!

- Garfunkel & Oates!
- Hi!

- Oh, my God! G&O!
- G&O!

- Oh!
- Great.

- So, uh, you guys are up for this, too?
- Yeah.

Oh, since Hardwick tweeted about us,
we have been blowing up.

Oh, and Kate called it.
He has a normal-colored penis.

- Mm-hmm. Sure does.
- Cool.

Thank you, guys, again,
so much for that intro.

We have made so much money.

Who knew you could make
more money

doing comedy
than you can doing porn?!

- Who k-new?

Listen, you guys,
we would love to return the favor.

Actually, you know,
we have really figured out

this whole
comedy-songwriting thing,

so if you guys need, like,

any pointers at all,
we are your girls.

- I mean, I think we're good. Thanks.
- Uh, yeah, thank you, anyway.

So you guys know the formula?

You start
with a risque premise...

Dirty, but not too dirty.

Mm-hmm,
then you craft your chorus

with your strongest joke,

then you throw in
a smart reference.

Yeah, something like,

"I miss more periods
than William Faulkner."

Oh, that's good.

And then for your close,
you repeat your funniest line.

So, is that...
Is that what you guys do, too?

Yep. That's how we do it.

- Pretty much exactly.
- Oh, cool. Wow.

Cool.

So you must not have had
any problem

with the Schubert and Sockley song,
huh?

- Well, no.
- No.

None at all.
It took us like two minutes.

Ready? Listen to this.

? Come on, Schubert,
come on, Sockley. ?

? I've missed more periods
than William Faulkner. ?

? Come on, boys,
come on, girls. ?

? Come on, kids,
come on, kids. ?

? Come on, kids,
come on, kids. ?

? Come on, kids,
come on, kids. ?

? Come on, kids,
come on, kids. ?

Garfinger & Butts?

- That's us! That's us!
- Oh! Here we go!

- Thanks a lot!
- Good luck to you guys!

- Ohh! Bye!
- Bye.

- We need to get this job.
- Yeah.

How do they make their voices

sound like a creaky door
in a haunted house?

I don't know.

Amazing meeting you guys!

That was so fun.
More like a hang sesh.

Bowling soon!
Oh, my God, you are so cute.

Bye. Good luck.
See you.

Good to see you.

Rooting for you!

You were amazing.

Hi.

Hey, welcome to the Wee Ones
Television Laboratory.

Thank you.

We're Garfunkel & Oates.

Oh, like, uh,
Garfinger & Butts.

Yeah. Kind of.

Did you know they were
porn stars?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

So inspiring.

Oh, Gil Gilliamson.
He's such a genius.

That's really a bummer
he's in jail.

Yeah, it doesn't matter

if you revolutionize
children's television,

if you run over a couple
of German tourists,

they're still gonna throw
the book at you.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

Well, I just want to say

Pumpernickel Place
is my favorite show.

As a kid?

No. It's always been
a part of my life.

It taught me
how to count and read

and to care and share and...
and love.

Oh, uh, sorry.

I was... I was ordering
cigarettes online.

If you order enough of them,

you get a couple bucks off,
just F.Y.I.

Uh, um, what were you saying...
Something about sharing?

Um, well,
we were just saying that, uh,

we think it's so great
that you're taking

such an enlightened stance
on gay marriage.

Well, as the agenda says,

turn them while they're young.

- Hmm?
- What?

Uh, nothing.
I said nothing.

Let's hear what you got.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

? Just after the storm breaks, ?

? with the perfect amount
of light, ?

? you can catch
a glimpse of magic, ?

? if the timing is right. ?

? Rainbows are improbable,
beautiful, and rare. ?

? But so are you
and so is this. ?

? The love that we share, ?

? too vast to hold
and too small to name. ?

? It's no wonder why ?

? you have to stand
between the rain and the sun, ?

? to see a rainbow in the sky. ?

? All the things
that had to go right, ?

? all the things
that had to go wrong. ?

? It led us to the place
where we were going all along. ?

? Right now they fall away. ?

? Right now it's just us two. ?

? Right now we make a promise. ?

? If you do, then I do, too. ?

? Don't know how we found it,
but we did somehow. ?

? All the moments
of our lives ?

? were leading up to now. ?

? I used to feel uncertain,
but now I realize, ?

? when I want to see my future,
I just look into your eyes. ?

? Too vast to hold
and too small to name. ?

? It's no wonder why

? you have to stand
between the rain and the sun, ?

? to see a rainbow in the sky. ?

? All the things
that make you you. ?

? All the things
that make me me. ?

? That led us to the place
where were always meant to be. ?

? Right now they fall away. ?

? Right now it's just us two. ?

? Right now we make a promise. ?

? If you do, then I do, too. ?

? A rainbow doesn't choose
to be a rainbow. ?

? It just shines in the sky. ?

? And there's nothing
to debate, ?

? and there's nothing to deny. ?

? Love might be a privilege,
but marriage is a right. ?

? So to all of you detractors
who don't know you lost the fight, ?

? to all of you in darkness,
we're here turning on the light. ?

? Now I stand with you
for the world to see. ?

? My love, my dreams, and me. ?

? My love, my dreams, and me. ?

? Right now they fall away. ?

? Right now it's just us two. ?

? Right now we make a promise. ?

? If you do, then I do, too. ?

- Hey, how's it looking?
- Good.

People on Twitter seem to like

- the "Rainbow Connection" song.
- Oh, that's good.

Oh, except the people who want to murder us
while we make them sandwiches.

Hmm.

God, a lot of people want us
to make them sandwiches.

Well, it's nice
they think we can cook.

Yeah.

You know,
it just occurred to me...

Are we even allowed to use
the name "Rainbow Connection"?

I always wondered
if we were allowed

to use the name
"Garfunkel & Oates."

Too late now.

Mm.

Hey, Boomer.

Yeah, it's the Cooch.

The brown one.

Okay. Really?!

Yeah, I'll tell her.

- Thanks. Bye.
- What?

We just got asked to open
for Chevrolet and Epiphany.

- Ew! No!
- No, no, no.

Hear me out.
It's for a lot of money.

- No.
- Like, way more than we usually make.

Kate, we can't open
for our own knock-off.

- No, no.
- That's like Paul McCartney

opening for a Beatles
cover band.

Oh, yeah, we are
exactly like the Beatles.

No, come on.
It's for, like, a lot of money.

Mnh-mnh.

- Maybe?
- No.

- Come on.
- No.

- Maybe?
- No.

- Maybe?
- No.

- Maybe?
- No.

- Maybe?
- No.

- Maybe?
- No.

Maybe?

- Maybe?
- No.

- Maybe?
- No.

- Maybe?
- No.

- Maybe?
- No.

- Maybe?
- How much money?

A lot of money.

No.

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