Original subtitles

? I wouldn't touch your junk if I'd been poisoned ?

? And the antidote was in your sperm ?

? I know that this might be uncouth ?

? But I've decided to tell you the tru-u-u-th ?

? My self-esteem's not low enough to date you ?

? It's close, but not quite there ?

? Give me time to get a little more desperate ?

? And you and I can make an awesome pa-a-a-ir ?

? A totally awesome pair ?

Thank you.

I feel good about "Self Esteem"

and "This Party Just Took a Turn for the Douche."

Yeah, and the ball song needs a little bit of work,

but it's getting there. Yeah.

What about instead of going ? balls ?

We go like ? balls, balls, balls, balls ?

Yeah, I like that. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

I'll write it down. Cool.

Hey, nice set, girls.

Oh, thanks, Thomas. Thanks, Thomas.

Riki.

Oh, hey. So, what did you think?

I can't believe you wrote a song about my balls.

I didn't.

Oh, oh, so, it's about some other guy's balls?

I mean, how many balls have you seen?

Um, two, four, six, seven.

Seven? I'm kidding.

You humiliated me.

I mean, everyone keeps looking at me like,

"Oh, hey, he must be the one

with the gray hangy ghost scrotum."

Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings,

but the song wasn't about you.

We've been on two dates.

I've never even seen your balls.

And now you never will.

I feel like you're supposed to leave after you say that.

God.

That sounded bad.

I just don't get

why everyone takes everything so personally.

I know. It's like that time

that guy I dated thought we wrote a song

about how he sounded like a bike pump in bed.

We did.

Oh, yeah, the bike pump song.

Yeah.

? You, yeah, you, you're really cool ?

? You can be anything you wanna be ?

? No time to fly, I'm talking to you ?

? No hablo Espa�ol ?

? Let's see you move forward, stand your ground ?

? Hang in there while you're doing it ?

? And sail away into the sunset, baby ?

? Dream your dreams into the sky ?

? Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it ?

? Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah ?

? Don't stop being cool ?

Oh, it's Daniel.

"You up?"

It's 8:30.

You really just need to break up with him.

I don't know. That's so mean.

I'm trying to let him down easy.

"About to fall asleep."

There. That should do it.

Oh, Thomas is on. Want to go watch?

Let's do it.

All the women in L.A. are, like, drop-dead gorgeous,

and I say that despite what's going on in the crowd right now.

I've got a nice place.

My brother's been staying with me for a couple weeks.

It's been awful. My brother's crazy.

I opened up the door the other day.

Caught him masturbating.

He goes, "Shut the door."

I said, "Get inside."

Where's the accountant?

He thought I wrong a song about his balls.

Men never like that, do they? Mnh-mnh.

You need to stop dating off the rack, honey.

Stop wasting your time

with these forgettable normies like John.

Dave. Todd.

See? Why don't you date a comic?

They're hot, they're funny, they're depressed, like you.

They are hot.

He talks about you all the time.

And he's not gonna care

if you sing a song about his balls.

He'll probably insist on it.

God, I bet they're, like, totally tight

and not hangy at all.

You know, I can never really tell how many are in there.

It doesn't really matter.

Either way, it's disgusting.

Just makes me nervous, though.

Like, if it doesn't work out, which it probably won't,

I'll have to see him all the time at shows.

Yeah, it's like what they say.

Don't shit.

Where you eat?

You guys have been a great crowd.

Who's ready for a lady?

Am I so stupid for wanting to do this?

No, you haven't had sex in forever.

Plus, it'll help you forget about Todd.

Oh, right. Yes.

Give it up for Miss Vivian St. Charles.

Show time.

Hold this.

Good luck. Hi.

Hey, good show.

Oh, yeah, I heard.

Do you, uh, want to go outside

and have a cigarette with me?

I don't smoke.

Neither do I. Come on.

A great set tonight.

You already said that.

Yeah, but this time, I'm talking about your tits.

Oh, thanks.

You were really funny, too.

Obviously.

No, seriously.

Watching you is, like, such a turn-on.

You must want me pretty bad.

God, I do. I want you all the time.

You must go to sleep thinking about me,

wake yourself up masturbating.

Yeah, I do. God, how did you know that?

'Cause I do the same. Yeah.

Oh, my God, we should do it right here, right now.

Yeah, hot, dirty sex in the alley.

Two condoms? No condom,

right here against the wall so no one enjoys it.

We can critique each other's comedy, you hack bitch.

No lube. No nothing?

No. That'll be perfect.

Yeah, pretend I'm your mother.

Oh, my God. You look just like my mom.

Or we could have sex in your bed.

Wait, are you still doing a bit?

I'm sorry. I can't tell if you're joking anymore.

Am I? I don't know.

Are you m... are you messing with me?

This is not cool.

Yeah, I'm totally messing with you...

About the no-condom part.

And the alley part.

Other than that, I'm not.

No? No.

I'm gonna put my tongue in you.

Hmm.

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for picking me up.

Uh-huh. So, did you do it?

You did it, didn't you? You did it!

Oh, God! Thank God!

It's been way too long since you've had intercourse.

Intercourse? Ew. I prefer coitus. Hmm.

Well, I brought your antidepressants. They're in my pocketbook.

Oh, thank God. Also, "pocketbook"?

It's where my nana kept her emory board.

Hmm.

Glug, glug.

Whoo!

God, I have the worst gag reflex. I know.

Oh, it's Boomer.

I hate talking to our agent.

It always makes me so nervous.

No, don't be nervous.

Remember, picture him as a puppet.

Hey, Boomer. Get excited.

I got you an audition for the new Josh Duncan movie.

What? You know he's my favorite director.

Well, I just know he wears sneakers and a suit

and thinks he invented it.

The part is called "Hot Slut," and you're perfect for it.

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, you've got to really sex it up, now.

They're looking for someone crazy hot

who can hold their own against Ben Kingsley, so boom.

Magucci. Micucci.

Yep, The Cooch.

I'm not really sure about that.

Oh, come on. You're sexy.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, you're The Cooch.

Okay, yeah. Send me the script. Thanks.

Do you think I could be a hot slut?

Yeah, totally.

For a part in a movie?

Oh.

- You ready? - Yeah.

In walks hot slut, dress bursting at the seams,

more curves than a man knows what to do with.

"I thought I told you to stay away."

"You didn't mean that."

"Leave before I call the cops."

He closes the blinds.

"You're not gonna call the cops!"

Do it sexier.

"You're not gonna call the cops."

She grabs his arm. "I can't."

No, no, no, don't do the stage directions.

You're not gonna grab the casting director or anything, so...

Right, okay, okay. All right, okay.

"I can't do this! Let me go!"

She kisses him, then bends over

so he can see her ample cleavage.

I'll probably need a different shirt.

Yeah. Do you have anything sexier?

I have my hummingbird sweater

or my good overalls, my purple skorts.

That sounds like the lost-and-found box at Chuck E. Cheese's.

Who takes off their clothes at Chuck E. Cheese's?

Yeah. See, I have a ton of slut clothes,

but they won't fit you.

Who do we know that's short and slutty?

I wish you would have come here earlier.

I just donated my clear heels to the Salvation Army.

I can't wear a bathing suit as clothes.

Why not?

Ah, who's drunk texting you, Kate?

It's probably not a drunk text, 'cause it's noon.

Oh, I don't know.

It's Daniel again.

I don't know why he's not getting it.

"Busy at work." Upside-down smiley face.

You mean sad face? Oh, yeah.

Kate, he's not getting it 'cause you're trying

to break up with him without breaking up with him.

I just always text back,

"Can you pick up my kids from school?"

The last guy I dated, I wrote back, "mailer-daemon."

Mailer-daemon? That's for e-mail.

Well, it worked.

God, is everybody doing this?

Yeah. Yeah.

This has to be our new song.

Oh, yeah. We could call it "The Fadeaway."

Ooh, yeah. I'm gonna work on it today.

Hey, I thought you were hanging out with Thomas today.

Oh, but I really want to write this song.

I'm gonna text him.

What about this?

It's a rescue.

I don't know if I can pull that off.

I'm just... I'm not, like, sexual.

Then why are you auditioning for this part?

My acting reel is pretty bad.

Come on down to Gouda Nuff Cheesery,

where life can't get any cheddar!

Whoa!

This man thinks

he is here for a date with a 13-year-old boy.

Hey, mister, I'll be right there.

Help yourself to some lemonade.

At least you don't get typecast, like I do.

? La-la-la, it's getting late ?

Calm down?!

Don't tell me to calm down when my twin sister's been murdered!

Kate, this is the first time

I've seen you look like an actual woman.

Thanks. I know.

I feel pretty good.

I'm kind of stuck.

Let's brainstorm.

I like helping people, 'cause I almost never do it.

Yeah? Yeah.

Okay, well, the song's called "The Fadeaway,"

and it's, like, when you try to text a relationship

out of existence without anyone noticing.

Classic. Right.

So, I'm trying to think of things that fade away,

like chalk on a sidewalk or friends from college.

The first Aunt Viv from "Fresh Prince."

Oh, you're a genius.

Problem solved.

Oh!

W-what? What did I do? What's wrong? No, no, no.

What if it's something that's, like, sad,

that fades away, like Patrick Swayze in "Ghost."

Uh, Native Americans after the barter system. Yeah.

The love between your mom and dad.

Please don't talk about my dad while I'm inside you.

Okay. Good call. Thank you.

Wait, do you care if I write this down?

I feel like I'm gonna forget.

I totally respect your process.

Okay.

Wait, no, no.

I feel weird about that. I shouldn't do that.

Let's keep going.

Keep brainstorming, or... no, no, keep going...

Okay. ...Like this.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm gonna forget.

I'm gonna write it down.

Is it okay if I keep moving?

Back and forth? Like, clockwise.

Yeah, keep going.

Okay. Cool. Do you mind if I...

No, keep going.

I'm almost there.

Hey.

Hey. How was it? So good.

All we've done is work and have sex.

That's literally all you think about.

I know.

I've never gotten to do both at the same time before.

Are you ready for your audition?

I Skyped with my mom, and she cried a little.

Ooh, that's a good sign.

Slutty girls always make their moms cry.

Yeah. It was a really good feeling.

- Hi. - Hi.

I'm Josh. Kate.

How are you? This is sir Ben. Hello.

Hi. I'm Kate.

Um, am I reading with you?

Yeah. Okay.

Whenever you're ready.

I thought I told you to stay away.

Oh, we're, um...

You didn't mean that. I did.

Now leave before I call the cops.

Oh, we're... we're doing the stage directions?

Oh, okay. Um...

You're not gonna call the cops.

I can't do this.

Let me go.

Oh.

You know you want it.

I'm just gonna kiss you. Okay.

Should I kiss you on the mouth or the lips or the...

whatever.

I'm a married man. Stop it.

Stop what?

You know what you're doing.

Stop.

Why? Do I remind you of her?

Don't say it.

Don't you dare say her name.

It's on the next page.

Elaine.

If you want me, you'll have to catch me.

She's not entirely right, is she?

No.

You were good in it Well...

Hey. How did it go?

It was horrible.

Everyone was tall and blonde.

But you're tall and blonde.

What? No, that's Riki.

Riki is tall and blonde.

Oh, well, who are you, then?

I'm the other one. I'm The Cooch.

Oh, snap. I always get you two mixed up.

I got to write this down.

"Cooch equals brown one." Got it.

I've never written a song so fast before.

Thank you for helping me.

Oh, thank you for buying me gelato.

I like it, but I don't love it.

Can I try this one?

Hmm.

I like it, but I don't love it, you know?

Can I try this one?

I like it, but I don't love it!

Oh, you're gonna kill me. Can I try this one?

Oh, interesting.

I love that I tried it, so how about this one?

We're gonna find it together.

Hmm, I like it, but I don't love it.

Sure, sure.

If that woman had 10 more points in her I.Q.,

she'd lack self-confidence.

That's funny. You mind if I tweet that?

Oh, um, I thought maybe that I, um, yeah.

And done. Thank you.

10 re-tweets already. I'm killing it.

Cool.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, hey, Daniel.

I've been texting you like crazy.

What are you doing here? Well, I-I had a rough day,

so I just figured I'd treat myself to a...

Ready, honey?

Kate, this is my girlfriend, Caroline.

She's getting a present for her son.

Hi. Hi.

Yeah, we got back together a couple weeks ago.

I've been trying to reach you,

but you're, like, super busy. Oh, it's okay.

You know, I had an audition today.

That's why I'm dressed like this.

I don't dress like this normally.

I dress normal normally.

Kate's an actress.

Caroline's a physics professor at Caltech.

Oh, that's not as fun as auditions,

but the benefits are nice.

Benefits.

Glad I don't have to worry about those yet.

Next.

Ugh, come on, lady.

You've obviously had a rough life,

and I sympathize with you, but we can't sell to your kind.

What?

Come on. There's little kids in here.

I think he thinks you're a hooker.

Oh, no, I'm not. I'm an actress. I'm not a hooker.

Yeah. Sir, this woman is obviously not a prostitute.

No offense.

I know a hustler when I see one,

and by the way, I don't even want to think about

what you were gonna do to that puppet.

We close at 6:00,

so don't let me find you out behind the dumpsters

when I get off work... at 6:00.

It was nice to see you.

No, it was good catching up...

Yeah, good seeing you. ...With you.

You like it?

I like it. But you don't love it.

Hmm.

I like it.

But you don't love it.

Do you love it?

Yep.

? I've been down here for a minute or two ?

? My neck is at a weird angle, and I don't love the view ?

? Maybe I'll try eye contact ?

? Nope, no eye contact, I feel like a creep ?

? Maybe it'll be over soon and I can go to ?

? Ooh, I just gagged ?

? I hate gagging, it's so embarrassing ?

? I did it again ?

? But I want to make you feel good ?

? And stopping now would feel kind of wrong ?

? And I want to make you feel good ?

? But only if it doesn't take too long ?

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. Are you okay?

I can't believe that just happened. Ugh!

Are you okay enough to get me a towel?

Oh, gross! We're both covered in it.

That is not accurate.

I'll get you a towel. I'm sorry.

It's fine.

It's probably my fault for having such a big penis.

No, I just have a really bad...

No, no, no, that's what it was.

Hey. How was it?

I slapped Ben Kingsley in the chin,

got mistaken for a prostitute at a toy store,

and the audition was supposed to be for you.

Well, I threw up on Thomas while I was going down on him.

Yeah, that's why I don't do that kind of stuff.

Guys don't like oral sex anyways,

since they can't orgasm from it.

We have a lot to talk about.

When I finished high school,

I wanted to take all my graduation money,

buy myself a motorcycle.

My mom said no.

See, she had a brother

who died in a horrible motorcycle accident

when he was 18, and I could just have his motorcycle.

Oh, my God, you guys, I've got to tell you about this girl

I hooked up with last night.

You ever had a girl vomit on you

because your penis was too big to fit in her mouth?

I have. I couldn't even get mad at this girl,

and I'm glad she didn't get upset, 'cause when she cries,

she looks like Brad Pitt from the movie "Se7en."

You know what I mean? She's just like...

At least nobody knows it's you. Yeah.

It's crazy.

She's this, like, skinny, little, like,

blonde comedic folk singer, you know what I mean?

With a friend who seems like she's autistic.

She puked everywhere.

I never thought I'd empathize with ghost balls Todd,

but I'm starting to see his point.

Time to do "The Fadeaway."

Fadeaway.

? We've been on a bunch of dates ?

? I weigh debates that this creates ?

? And hate that state of forced introspection ?

? We traded wit, we swapped some spit ?

? We went to third a little bit ?

? But we never really had a connection ?

? You did nothing wrong, I have no excuse ?

? Just my intuition telling me we shouldn't reproduce ?

? I know I have to end it, but pretend to just suspend it ?

? By contending that I'm busy all week ?

? I let the foregone linger on ?

? Text back with an emoticon ?

? Withdraw from you by being oblique ?

? Inside, I know my tactics just delay it ?

? But I'll do anything so I don't have to say it ?

? I'll draw this out forever like it's Vietnam ?

? Then one day, I'll be gone like Bambi's mom ?

? Aw ?

? 'Cause there's the right thing to do ?

? Then there's what I'm gonna do ?

? There's so much I should say, but instead ?

? I do the fadeaway ?

? Fadeaway ?

? Now I'm fading like chalk on a sidewalk ?

? Or the polio virus after Jonas Salk ?

? The erection of a man on antidepressants ?

? The cast of "Diff'rent Strokes" after adolescence ?

? Like a Jewish guy at Sizzler on Yom Kippur ?

? The Whig Party, post Millard Fillmore ?

? Reproductive rights below the Mason-Dixon ?

? Native Americans after the barter system ?

? Your thyroid gland after hashimoto ?

? The family in the "Back to the Future" photo ?

? Yeah, I fade away ?

? We pretend to ourselves it's the nice thing to do ?

? To let you down gently by just not ever telling you ?

? And deep down, we know it's the worst way to play it ?

? But we are what we have ?

? We're huge pussies ?

? And women are hypocrites ?

? Especially ones in comedy bands ?

? We see your faults, but not our own ?

? Then we wonder why we're all alone ?

? We fill you up with maybes, excuses, and stalls ?

? But like a baby in China ?

? It's better to have balls ?

? Balls ?

? Not the "Good Wife" type like Christine Baranski ?

? So I'll pull out and leave like I'm Roman Polanski ?

? Aw ?

? 'Cause there's the right thing to do ?

? Then there's what I'm gonna do ?

? There's so much I should say, but instead ?

? I do the fadeaway ?

? Fadeaway ?

? Like verbal kint fading into Keyser Soze ?

? The rights in Arizona for a guy named Jos� ?

? Opportunities for a college grad ?

? The love between your mom and dad ?

? Gonna peter out like a gay cetera ?

? Iranian relations since the Reagan era ?

? Black Nike sales after Heaven's Gate ?

? Summer camp attendance at Penn State ?

? 'Cause I don't want to get to know you ?

? I just want to blow you...off ?

Corey! Corey!

I got a note on my desk

that says, "The couch is the brown one."

What the hell does that mean?

Yeah. Well, we'll do that at 4:00,

and then I got my karate class at 4:30.

I don't want to talk to him right now.

Don't put him on. Don't...

Hey! What's up, man?

Uh, I didn't read that script,

so I'll probably skip that meeting.

And then you'll find out exactly what cum laude

from Sarah Lawrence is worth in this town.

It isn't a lot.

This is Hollywood, bro.

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