Original subtitles

Coming!

I'm coming as fast as I can!

Hey, 'sup, man?

What's up, dude?

Sorry, I'm late.

No problem.

So, uh, I'll go get my suit.

Did you bring the spare board?

Oh, bro, no I didn't.

I forgot it, but you know what -

I got something else you can ride.

Oh, dude, I got you all wet.

Maybe we should get you out of those clothes, bro.

Dude... I got a girlfriend.

She know you mess around with dudes?

Or are you just some big closet case?

Or maybe you're confused.

Or maybe... you like playing confused.

I, I don't know, I--

I, I don't know what I am.

You're so sexy when you stammer.

You're good.

Yeah, I play confused, but don't get me wrong...

I'm straight... Mostly.

Now, rip open my shirt.

Sir, yes sir.

Strip.

Amateur.

Less teeth, more tongue.

This is how you do it.

That feels so good.

God, I love your tits!

(female) Stop calling them tits!

I could eat your tits all day.

Stop calling them tits.

I love your tits.

Stop calling them tits!

Sorry, I love your breasts! I wanna fuck your breasts!

Shane... Sweetie.

Are you having that gay fantasy again?

Honey... it's not you, it's...

Well, it's you.

What's wrong if I want to see a little boy on boy

in the bedroom?

Nothing, I guess - if you're a gay man.

I'm close enough.

But you can't expect me to go gay every time

you wanna have sex.

I don't want you to be gay - Just gay-er.

So you want me to get it on with another guy in front of you?

Well, in front of, on top of, yeah.

Gwen, I'm not gay. I'm not bi.

I'm a heterosexual breeder. And if you can't accept that,

then we probably shouldn't be dating.

How can you be so homophobic?

You're ridiculous!

Don't even think you're breaking up with me!

I'm breaking up with you.

Huh?

I've sat in millions of bedrooms and listened to millions of boys

tell me they're leaving me for the pole.

I'm not gonna sit here and have one leave me for pussy.

What?

I'm leaving you, Shane!

Go not suck all the dick you want!

Yeah? And you keep letting that

pride parade march right on through your crotch!

Gay basher!

Tits! Tits! Tits! Tits! Tits!

Stop the spread of faggotry!

Stop the spread of faggotry.

Fag!

I wish!

I told you this was gonna happen!

I know, Kyle! That's all you said

from day two! "You're too hot, Marc!

You're gonna leave me."

And look how right I was.

You weren't right, Kyle.

Your puppy dog eyes and goofy charm turned me on.

But you wouldn't believe it.

How could I believe it when you flirt with everyone?

I don't flirt with everyone; I just like making friends.

Did you have to befriend every member

of the gymnastics team and Alpha Gamma Testes?

God, it's like you're only happy when you think

you can't have me. I wouldn't be jealous if you

went out and made some hot friends.

See! I'm too boring for you!

You want a boyfriend who's all social and hangs out

with confident, sophisticated gods like... him.

Hey, Sebastian.

Who's this?

Who are you?

He's here for emotional support.

I'm supposed to be your emotional support!

You're too emotional.

Fags.

So what, it's been about...

five days since you last jerked off?

Wow! You're good.

Thanks, Eric. That was fun.

Thank you, Teri.

It's Tiffani. And I think this is yours!

Have fun fucking his puppy dog eyes and goofy charm.

I hope someday you can see past everything you don't

like about yourself and realize we had something special.

Wow, that was Hallmarky, Marc - even for you.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

Okay, just because we used to date the same loser

doesn't mean we have to be all cunty to each other.

You're right. Truce?

I'm s--

What's wrong?

I don't wanna be a slut anymore.

I want a boyfriend!

I just really wish Caleb was still here.

Is that the heterosexual you were trying to sleep with?

No-- Well, yes, he was my roommate who I used to want.

Your roommate dumped you?

No, my boyfriend dumped me. My roommate isn't here

to help me through this.

So is your roommate the gay one or the straight one?

You're not listening to me. My boyfriend's gay!

And not just that - he's the hottest gay

I will ever make it with!

Honey, you're gonna make it with plenty of hotties.

It's not even that. He's gonna find a new

boyfriend first and I'm gonna be alone.

You won't be alone.

There are plenty of rainbow fish in the sea.

Ha, ha.

Plenty of cocks in the henhouse.

Mom!

Plenty of freshmen ass in the locker room.

Eww! Mom!

Kyle, I am really trying here.

I know, Mom. Thanks.

Do you know what it's like to be a gay man

trapped in a woman's body?

My God, you have no idea.

Well, there's like five gay men trapped inside of me.

And they're all greasy and having sex with each other,

just trying to... fuck their way out.

Send me an X-ray.

Why are you being all Fiona Apple?

I broke up with Shane.

He's single?

Hands off, cockmonger.

I'm kidding.

What is with straight guys and their aversion to sucking dick?

I just got dumped.

What is with gay guys wanting to suck everyone's dick?

Yeah, I heard. I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

Sorry you're a psychopath. I say this with my trademark

sweetness, but you do know that Marc was the best thing

that will ever happen to you?

Hey, I'm a catch!

Says who? Your mom?

Other people do, too!

I just... I want to hear, "I love you,"

instead of "Take it, you tight little snatch."

Hi, Mr. Thompson.

Tiffani - oh, I love your pastel paisley halter

with the chiffon inlet overlay.

My wife has one just like it.

Okay, class - fingertips!

I don't know how many of you are sick to death of still life,

but if I see another fruit, I'm gonna have a hissy!

I think it's time we try something

a little more... dangerous.

Class, meet Troy.

Ta da!

Troy's gonna model for us today... nude.

Troy is a veterinary major who has just moved here, fresh,

from a little town in Illinois known as...

oh, Troy. Troy, from Troy.

My parents didn't want me to forget where I was from.

How rustic!

He's got an accent.

He looks like he's spent his life bailing hay

and... milking things.

He looks like sex.

Well, um, Troy... from Illinois -

whenever you feel inspired.

I uh--

So, where do you want me?

On my face.

Right here on my desk and we'll get you

in several different positions.

Missionary, Reverse Cowgirl, 69...

Chalks to paper!

Oops!

Dropped it!

Guess I'll have to-- No, let me!

I don't want you to... ruin anybody's art by moving.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Same here.

I'm just gonna...

I wanna hit that harder than Ike hit Tina.

I wanna be wrapped in his arms forever and ever.

I wanna see him get it on with his boyfriend.

You think he's gay?

Does Whitney want crack?

Hey there!

I didn't recognize you without your penis!

I had to leave it there - school property and all.

I'm Gwen.

The girl with the big boobs is Tiffani,

and the guy with the small--

I'm Kyle.

Troy.

From Troy--

Illinois.

Ooh, are those your drawings?

Yeah. This is mine.

That's Kyle's... and... Tiffani's.

I've never drawn one before so I figured I'd focus on it.

You're very generous.

I'm a giver.

This one's incredible.

Thanks.

You just... spoke to me.

Are you an art major?

No.

She's undeclared, which is practically the same thing.

Well, you should be.

How'd you get into nude modeling?

Well, I grew up in the country.

No one's around so I'd just go naked a lot.

Then I bought a webcam.

I'm so Googling you.

When I moved here and found out I could get paid

to hang out naked, I was like, sign me up!

Next stop: porn!

How much does that ass of yours bring in?

Fifty bucks a class.

Porn pays way better.

Well, I'd be just as likely to do it

for a case of beer, or weed.

Noted.

When did you move here?

A couple weeks ago.

All by your lonesome?

Yeah.

I'll bet it was great to start all over -

where no one knows your name and you can do

anything you want with whomever you want.

Yeah, I guess. Kinda miss my mom.

So, you're close to your mom?

I miss both my parents, but there's something

about a mom, you know?

A boy needs none other than the love of his mother.

Uh, yeah.

We were gonna grab some coffee. Wanna come?

I gotta get home. But thanks for the offer.

Maybe some other time?

Someone waiting for you at home?

My roommate.

He's secretly in love with me.

See you in class. Keep up the good work.

Keep up the good... penis!

I totally thought he was a 'mo until he made that lame,

straight guy joke.

He's an enigma fucking a riddle fucking a mystery.

I love being single.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

But spreading is my favorite thing.

I'll be praying for you.

(Gwen) Hold that pose!

Would you boys do me a favor?

Sit there for a minute... or 20

But I want him out of here in five.

What's her story?

I used to flirt with this one, but we never did anything

because I wasn't available.

So we're gonna make up for lost time.

Man whore!

Lucky bastard.

See that guy over there?

The studly rack of meat or your loser ex-boyfriend?

The meat rack. Marc pre-cheated with him -

and with a couple of other guys, too.

Pre-cheated?

It's this thing that gays do.

The moment the relationship starts getting a little rocky,

they start lining up replacement sex partners.

The second they're single it's,

"Hey remember me? You want some head?"

Your boyfriend's far too creampuff to cheat.

I didn't say he cheated. He pre-cheated.

God, you're paranoid.

I know how his mind works.

If I were hot enough I'd do the same thing.

I guess it's over.

Look what I found!

Hey!

- Troy! - Nude guy!

So, Troy, the three of us are falling behind

in art class and we were wondering...

Do you have a preference?

See, it works.

Now take off your clothes, damn it!

This is kinda weird.

No, we're just gonna draw. Really.

So, did you leave someone special back home?

Nope.

That's probably good.

Yep.

I've always wondered what it would be like

to live on a farm. I mean,

what did you do for fun?

Mostly we'd drive around the strip on weekends,

or throw parties in some field.

I always liked the idea of being out among all the nature.

Getting fucked in a rainstorm,

or getting fucked on a tractor,

or getting--

Well, I can't say I did all that.

Well, where did you get fucked?

I dunno. In the regular places -

a bed, in my car.

In the ass?

Excuse me?

Oops! I mean, boys or girls?

I'm sorry - if you don't wanna talk about this--

No, it's okay, I guess.

Girls... mostly.

What? Does that freak you out?

No, honey. I'm what they call a "fag hag."

So you are gay then! I am--

I'm not gay. It's just--

Well, all kinds of people hit on me and I just kinda

go along with it.

What the hell does that mean?

I like it. I mean, we're just people -

just bodies with organic needs--

So, did you ever have a girlfriend?

Sort of.

What about boyfriends?

I had this really close friend in high school.

But I never done much with a guy because I wanna get married

and have kids. Not that gay guys can't,

'cause they can, it's just... I dunno.

Being gay, it seems like so much work.

Amen, sister.

I mean, first you have to tell everyone.

That's no fun.

- And then there's rejection. - You're never hot enough.

- STDs. - If you're lucky.

There's this group, Coming In. I kinda wanna go check 'em out,

'cause I think they might fix me.

The anti-gays?

Ex-gays.

Just like you, Kyle. Right?

- What? - What?

Kyle used to be gay. You two should hang out,

get to know each other, swap... stories.

You're an ex-gay?

Well...

You're like my idol! I totally just want to get

inside you and learn everything.

Uhh...

Oh my God...

You two are together, right?

Yes! We're boyfriend and girlfriend!

I knew it!

You're always together, but I wasn't sure.

It must've been the fact that I act so faggy?

And you're really straight now?

As a cucumber.

God, no wonder I felt so comfortable with you two!

How long have you been together?

A few months. And it's true love, isn't it,

my little sex monkey?

Ahh!

And you're comfortable that he used to...

Smoke sausage?

We've all got skeletons in our closets.

His are just more well hung.

And how's that going for you?

How do you think it's going for him?

Look at me, I'm perfect!

Yeah. She's awesome.

Awww. He especially loves my titties.

Breasts.

So what are the meetings like?

Well, uh, I've never been to this chapter.

Oh, my God, would you do me the biggest favor?

Of course I'd do you--

You have to take me to one of these meetings.

There's one tomorrow.

You could be my sponsor, or whatever.

Do it, honey. It might do you some good

to renew your vows to heterosexuality.

Not that he doesn't ride me every night.

Okay.

It's a date!

I'll be right back. I have to go use the head.

What the hell just happened?

We just got you laid by Troy from Illinois!

You made me an ex-gay!

Those are my least favorite kind of gays!

Grow some nuts. Do you think he would have been

remotely interested if you were just another gay guy?

Listen to me. I don't have a chance

in this godforsaken world of ever wrapping my lips

around his forty acres and a mule -

But you do.

So, you're saying he'll let me have sex with him

because I'm not gay?

You heard him. You'll be his new

"close friend." Since you're straight,

you'll get to hang out with him.

You'll support him in those straight emo bonding ways

until eventually all his repressed passion explodes.

Right down your throat.

This is sick! You're both sick!

You think it could work?

Damn!

Hey!

No way.

I'm so nervous.

It's okay. You'll be fine.

What are you doing?

Straight male bonding, step one.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Octavio--

Octavio!

Introductions lead to conversations

lead to invitations of intercourse

with the wrong persuasion.

I'll do the introducing.

What the hell do you want?

We want to join.

I find that hard to believe.

Maybe we shouldn't--

God believes me.

Well, I did pray for you.

I know.

Spooky.

I'm Jacob Buchanan, Coming In president.

This is Derek, Allan, Roy, and...

Violet.

Violet.

I'm Kyle.

- And-- - Troy.

Hi, Troy.

Hello, Kyle.

You do know what we're all about here, right?

At Coming In?

Well, yeah, but he doesn't need to be here.

He's a success story.

Kyle's renouncing his sexuality? What's going on?

Are you sitting down?

Now, who'd like to speak first? Okay, I will.

I have great news that will change all of our lives.

I've been asked to present the new ad campaign

for Coming In National.

The board of directors, including my mom,

is gonna be here next week, and if they like my presentation,

which they will, you'll see my posters in high schools

and college campuses across the nation.

"Homo No More. Stop the Spread of Faggotry!"

Now I need you to repeat this slogan

to every student across campus.

"Homo No More" is gonna become a national catch phrase.

Like "Can you hear me now?"

Yes, only more clever.

So let's have a testimonial. Who wants to start?

I sucked a dick.

Shut up, are you serious?

Like a fox.

That's fabulous.

What was it like? Details.

Tell us how it made you feel, Violet.

Well, I got really trashed at the Up With Jesus kegger,

and this skinny guy with dyed- black hair and lipstick

asked if I wanted to do one of those upside down keg shooters.

They started playing "My Chemical Romance,"

so I took that as a sign, downed half the keg,

and before I knew it, we're in the back of his mom's Saab,

I'm choking on his dick, my makeup's smearing

and I'm about to puke.

It was great.

I watched porn... straight porn.

And I made sure it was Ron Jeremy so I wouldn't focus on...

Yeah.

And it was hot.

Good, good.

Allan? How are things going with...

was her name Leslie?

I think so, yeah.

We went on a date.

And what happened on this date?

We went to this cute little Italian restaurant,

service was great--

No, I meant physically.

Well... after dinner we went back to her dorm.

Were you nervous?

Oh, yeah.

Turned on?

I'm trusting at some point you got turned on, right?

Oh, yeah... yeah.

Totally... turned on.

Rock hard.

Tell me about that.

Let's see.

We sat on her bed and she showed me this photo

album of this Japanese internment camp she'd visited,

and we were balancing the book on our legs.

And her knee grazed my knee, and that kind of got me going.

And then?

Then?

She jumped on top of me.

Really!

And I let her kiss me and stuff.

Good, good!

Did she go for second base?

Run her hands up and down your smooth chest

underneath your shirt?

A little.

That might not count. Why don't you show me?

Like this, I guess.

But never the nipples?

No.

On this "date," did you think about men?

No.

Never?

What about your locker room fantasy?

Thrusting jock straps?

Towels snapping at your ass?

I never said anything about towels.

Well, next week's assignment -

and I'm holding you to this - is third base.

But what about the girl?

Leslie?

Yeah, Leslie.

Shouldn't I respect her and stuff?

Don't worry. She's not gonna get pregnant.

All I'm asking for is one finger in her bush.

So, I'm fascinated to hear your guys' stories.

I'm not ready to talk yet...

but Kyle here's got a hot girlfriend.

They can't keep their hands off each other.

You have a girlfriend?

Mm-hm.

And you used to be gay?

Yeah.

Well, why don't you tell us, Kyle?

What brought about this amazing change?

Ummm... my story...

Just speak from the heart - like Jesus would.

Well... I was pretty much born gay.

Mom said my first sentence was,

"Get those boobs out of my face."

So... anyway, I lived the gay lifestyle for a while.

And I dated a lot of guys...

A lot of guys.

Just... mens and mens and mens.

I mean, they were calling me all the time!

"Kyle, please have sex with me. Please!"

I was so popular--

But then it began to take its toll.

See, you realized the gays, they're not interested

in getting to know you.

No, as soon as you put out, they vanish.

And then they never call you back when they say

they're gonna call you back because they're out

with some stud when they say they should be in class!

I wouldn't say that.

Well then what exactly would you say, Kyle?

What brought about this amazing transformation?

Well, I got fed up... with the men and the sex

and the fun and music and the apple martinis -

and just when I didn't know what else to do

an angel from heaven above flew into my life.

A sexy, 52-24-48 angel named Tiffani.

Is Tiffani a rhinoceros?

Size doesn't matter. What matters is that

I fell in love and I never looked back.

But what about the sex?

Piece of cake. I just say,

"Kyle, take everything you love about Reese Witherspoon

and project it onto this girl who wants to be with you."

And now they can't get enough.

That's incredible.

Yeah, 'cause you seem really gay.

Not anymore. I'm telling you,

there's nothing like the smooth, wet porcelain lips

of the vagina spreading and enveloping me,

squeezing against the head of my dick ever so firmly.

And that's nothing compared to what it feels like

to eat her out and lap up all those fresh juices.

We look forward to seeing you both again.

Well, we both look forward to coming... with girls.

Little Ex-gay joke.

Jesus and I will be keeping an eye on you.

Hey...

Stop the spread of faggotry!

That was fun!

That was nerve-racking.

Yeah, you were sweating like a suicide bomber

on a summer jihad.

I love your... sense of humor.

Man, you really dig your pussy.

Yeah. So what're you up to now?

I gotta go model for Mr. Thompson's art class.

Hey, are we still on for tomorrow's game?

Goooo... local sports team!

This must be the right place.

Oh, hey.

Hey. I'm Marc -

Professor Thompson's next top model.

But I use the word top loosely.

Wow, great body.

Yeah, I know.

I meant you.

Oh, thanks.

You're supposed to wear it over your shoulders.

What?

The robe.

Oh... yeah.

Did you want some privacy? 'Cause I could come back.

Ah, no.

I'm gonna be naked in front of like 15 people.

You're easy.

How would you know?

No, I--

Anyway, we're gonna be naked in front of 15 people.

- Huh? - We're posing together.

- Seriously? - You got a problem with that?

No. Of course not.

Are you gay?

Well, yeah.

You got a problem with that?

No. I don't have a--

I mean, you're not straight, are you?

Well--

Oh my heck, who are you?

Uh... I'm Marc, your model.

You are? What about him?

You didn't request two models for today?

I have the student services req in here.

Nice.

- What? - What?

I can't find it. I mean, I guess if you don't

need two nudes today, I can leave.

Oh, no! Yeah, yeah--

I do need both models... nude... in five minutes.

I'd forget head if it wasn't on top of me.

What?

Uh-- I'd forget my head if it wasn't on top of me.

My wife is always correcting my grammar.

You know, I'm... Uh... I'm married.

OK. You guys carry on.

I'll, uh... get to class.

So what's your name again?

Troy. And you're Marc.

With a c. Pretty gay, huh?

Look dude, if you're worried about me looking at your dick,

I can turn around. But don't sweat it.

You're not my type.

I'm not?

No.

Should you be?

No, I guess not.

I mean, you're hot and all, but I like guys

who can take charge.

Plus your hair's too dark.

And you're too tall.

Gee, thanks.

Just being honest with you.

I think it's great - types.

I mean, if we all wanted the same thing...

might as well be straight.

Maybe not everyone knows what their type is.

True enough.

There was this one guy.

This sounds stupid, but when I met him,

I sort of saw something in his soul -

like a light. Physically he was nothing

like any of the guys I'd dated before,

but when I saw that light, I realized...

this is my type, too.

So I asked him out, eventually.

That's deep.

Fuck you.

No, I'm serious.

So whatever happened to your soul man?

Doesn't matter.

Anyway, that's... ancient history.

Hey, you need a workout buddy?

Yeah.

(Kyle) This feels horrible.

Stop shaking your ass so much.

No, I mean lying to Troy.

Honey, men lie. And you're a man, technically.

Well, tonight you better not forget to--

Fuck!

Honey, I never forget to fuck.

No, fuck! As in--

Kyle!

Hey, boys. What's up?

Oh, you two know Marc?

I used to have a big crush on Kyle.

Didn't I?

But he's not your type at all.

So, how do you two know each other?

Oh, we got naked together last night.

What?!

We both model for Mr. Thompson.

Wow, he's a regular Gus Van Sant.

Can I talk to you for a second?

You haven't fucked him yet.

Hey, I don't treat people like pieces of meat.

You should. It's fun.

You do know he's gay, right?

Oh God, I'm sorry.

Is that against the rules?

That's the only fucking rule!

Keep away from hot gay guys -

unless they have girlfriends, like me.

Okay, well, don't... queen out about it.

Besides, he told me - I'm not his type.

And you believed him? I bet he told you

he saw a light in your soul, too.

Kyle, I think your girlfriend's getting jealous.

Please. She trusts me completely.

We're stronger than ever.

In fact, we were just about to... fuck.

- Whoa! - Really?

Yeah, I can hardly keep my fingers off

of his big hard stick. Especially when he's

all sweaty from power-walking.

I'll bet.

Go for it.

What?

Stick your hand in his shorts.

- Get him hard. - Yeah!

No way!

What? Aren't you straight anymore?

Of course I'm straight. But I don't think parading

my heterosexuality around in public is very polite.

Well, how about you two just kiss?

Yeah, that'd be hot.

A kiss?

And use some tongue...

unless you don't like kissing your girlfriend.

I love kissing my girlfriend.

Prove it.

Why should--

Wow.

You two get a room. Invite me over!

Kyle?!

Mom?

Kyle?!

What are you doing here?!

I was just running errands. Oh, baby, this is more

than I could ever have hoped for!

This is wonderful!

You are a girl, right?

Mom, of course she's a girl!

Would you stop hugging me?

We hadn't told her yet.

You don't understand! I used to catch this boy

masturbating with every vegetable in the fridge -

and now this!

Have you tell that awful ex-boyfriend of yours?

I have a feeling he knows.

I have a feeling this is the funniest thing

he's ever seen.

I have a feeling that the childish things he's doing

are acts of jealousy, and in some small way,

it's kind of nice to know he cares for a change.

Who gives a shit about him? I'm gonna be a grandma!

This is war!

Marc's gonna rue the day he messed with me!

Wow, you almost seem like a top.

Marc thinks he can get whatever he wants just

by taking his shirt off. Maybe some guys don't

want a hot, muscular stud who's confident with his sexuality.

Maybe some people think it's charming enough

to pretend that you're sexually conflicted -

Some people like...

Octavio.

Octo-what?

Oh, hi, Yummy. I'm Tiffani.

The rhinoceros?

Excuse me?

Tiffani, this is Octavio,

from that group I was telling you about.

Rhinoceros?

I'll call you tonight.

Good luck not fucking each other.

So, Octavio.

Octavio.

Octavio.

It's like you're saying a 'V' and 'B'

at the same time - "Octavio."

B and B?

V and B.

So, what are you doing here?

Your girlfriend's sexy.

Thanks.

Nothing like I expected.

What are you saying, I'm not good enough for her?

No, I just... didn't believe you.

Something about you screamed single... and lonely.

As you can see, I'm clearly not--

And horny.

Horny?

- You're hitting on me. - Yes, I am.

What about Homo No More?

I thought they straightened you out.

When I saw you at the meeting, I sort of fell off my wagon.

You didn't have that far to fall--

Shut up. I must have you.

I have a feeling this is against the rules.

It's okay. The bossy guy - Jacob -

he breaks the rules all the time.

Wait! Jacob's gay?

Of course. One time he followed me

into the bathroom at school and started tapping his toe

underneath the stall--

Enough about him.

Your lips taste like cherry.

It's my girlfriend's lip gloss.

Oh, Octavio.

Octavio.

Well, I'm this way. Thanks for the jog.

Hey, you wanna come over tonight?

No, I can't. I'm gonna watch the game

with Kyle and Tiffani.

Oh. Well, you guys have fun.

Hey, you wanna jog again tomorrow?

Maybe late afternoon? We could hang out afterwards.

That'd be great.

Cool.

That's how we gays do it.

Wasn't that awesome?

Yeah.

Kyle made his mom so happy.

What could they possibly have in common?

Besides wanting to be straight?

Well, they both have dicks that haven't been sucked today.

Thanks, Gwen.

You have nothing to worry about.

Kyle's non-threatening. He's like... soy milk.

Or something you use when you run out of normal milk.

And you're cream. Gay cream.

Ew.

Hold still.

What's up with all the drawing?

I don't know. I like it.

I'm kinda good at it.

Since when?

Since now. I think I found my calling.

I barely think about sex anymore.

I just wanna... draw it.

That's so not like you.

Well, you being all jealous isn't like you, either.

Look, it's simple. Troy is a blank canvas.

No, he's a sketch. He's got all these

lame ideas about what being gay is like,

but he needs you to come in and provide the horny details.

Ha, ha.

And before you know it...

fine art.

Fuckin' shit! Fuckin' shit!

Come on, muthafuckas, we can win this!

Kyle, we're 48 points behind with less than a minute to go.

Oh.

That was actually fun though.

I mean, it sucks that we lost.

Aw, you'll get over it.

So, uh, how was your day?

Strange.

But you know there's something I wanted to

talk to you about - something I didn't share

with the group yesterday.

I didn't exactly go cold salami when I decided to turn straight.

There were a few slip-ups.

While you were with Tiffani?

Yeah, and she's great because she understands

how pent-up feelings can just explode

if you don't do anything about 'em.

So, it's okay if one of us makes a mistake

every once in a while.

We've even talked about the possibly of...

playing... together.

What, like a three-way?

Yeah.

I had a three-way once.

What?

Yeah, with two girls.

Oh, I guess that counts.

Barely.

We were in this empty farm house outside of town.

It was going great. They had me in the middle

and we were kissing. And then they pulled

their panties down and pushed me downtown.

And that's when things started to fall apart.

So, you didn't like it?

Well, it wasn't doing that much for me.

Does that make me gay?

Lots of straight guys don't like eating pussy.

They complain about it all the time.

What happened next?

Well, the situation got worse.

I couldn't... find their clits.

You couldn't?

Or G-spots or whatever.

I was down there forever. It was embarrassing.

They laughed at me.

One of them even called me the Susan Lucci

of tongue fucking -

seventeen attempts and no clit.

I know where it's at.

You do?

Yeah.

Could you show me?

Show you?

How do you find it on Tiffani?

How am I supposed to show you that?

I dunno. Use your fingers.

How 'bout I use yours?

You know, so you can feel what I'm doing.

This is stupid.

Nah, come on. It'll be fun.

I'll show you my whole routine.

First, you gotta start with just some little teases.

Breathe on it.

Make her squirm.

And then you just...

Which is usually not the reaction that I get.

No, it's good. It's good.

In the middle of all of this, of course,

is the love button.

But most girls go nuts if you just... dive on in.

That's good.

That's really good.

Sorry I missed the game, guys--

What the hell?

I was just showing Troy some tips on the art

of cunnilingus.

Not that I need them.

Well, even Melissa Etheridge could learn a thing

or two from Kyle.

I gotta get going.

Stay. There's plenty to eat.

Yeah, you don't have to go.

I gotta call it a night.

Thanks for the... time, Kyle.

Did you see that?

One more session like that and he's gonna explode.

As long as he doesn't explode with Marc first.

I win!

Whoa!

What?

So when did you first know for sure you were gay?

Just now.

No. I had my suspicions

when I was, like, 12 or 13, but I didn't know for sure

until a couple years later -

when I went down on my first guy.

And it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

What? Being gay?

Yeah. Imagine that you think

you're gonna live your life one way -

get a job, get married, get a 3-bedroom house.

And then you discover this... thing about yourself

that opens up a million new options as to how you

can live your life. Suddenly you don't have

those milestones that straight people have to compare

each other against.

You can choose your own adventure.

I loved those books.

Me, too.

But aren't you worried you'll end up all alone

and not have any of those things?

Doesn't everyone? Gay or straight?

Sprint you home!

And just so you know, Kyle's mom's reaction

to him being straight wasn't awesome.

Huh?

Well, you said it like you were happy for them,

like that's the way it should be.

My parents are totally cool with me being gay.

Yeah, but are your parents really okay with it?

I'll bet Kyle's mom grew to be okay with it,

but you saw how happy she was.

That's what parents really want for their kids.

If you ask, most parents will say they just want

their kids to be happy.

Maybe my mom would be happier if I put my dick

somewhere else, but you've seen those ex-gays.

Is that happy?

If your parents love you and they think you're happy,

they'll adjust.

I don't think my parents would adjust to me being gay.

They shouldn't have anything to do with it.

You have to be who you are.

It's the only way you can live with yourself.

And It's the only way I can live at all.

Did you wanna take a shower?

Talk about getting my creative juices flowing.

I didn't know you were here.

Wait. Keep 'em down.

Would you boys let me draw you?

What? Together?

No, right where you are, right now.

I'll call it..."Proposition."

What do you think?

I don't know--

It's this or renting a movie.

Choose your own adventure.

When I walked in on the two of you, I was like,

"Fuck this drawing one person at a time shit!

If I can capture the tension between these two--

There was tension?

Honey, it was more tense than Star Jones in a training bra.

Now make that look you had:

surprised, a little turned on, kinda scared.

No... I dunno, stare at Marc's crotch

and imagine what he could do to you with that.

Trust me, he can do a lot.

Perfect.

So... you two dated?

Gwen was my last girlfriend.

And Marc was my first.

After him, all I ever wanted to date were fags.

I've got an idea.

This could take forever, and I see the potential

for something... more interesting.

Could I do a series with you guys?

Almost like a story that starts with this scene

and goes from there? What do you think?

I don't know--

If I said pose with a woman, you'd totally do it.

It's not like we'd even have time to pose for a series--

I'll take photos and use them to draw from.

C'mon, we can be done in minutes depending

how well you two... connect.

Yeah, but if Troy feels uncomfortable--

No.

I'll do it.

Perfect. I'll get my camera.

You sure?

Yeah.

Choose your own adventure.

Okay, Troy, sit back down.

Marc, off with the pants.

Perfect. Okay, Troy,

stand back up with Marc.

I want you to do that same character you were doing,

like, he's a virgin and he wants it but he's confused.

Can you do that?

Yeah.

So Marc, honey, why don't you get down on one knee,

and put your hands underneath--

yeah, like that.

Actually, raise the shirt a little.

And lift your head so you're looking into his eyes.

Look like you're in the moment

and you want it.

Marc, I want you to stand and take Troy's--

yeah, that.

Now, Troy, the removal of the shirt is one of

the hottest moments - when you know soon you'll

be skin on skin, chest on chest,

lips on lips.

Marc, toss the shirt aside.

Marc, lick one of Troy's nipples.

Don't worry. It'll feel good.

Yeah... I know.

Troy, run your left hand through Marc's hair.

Marc, hold it right there.

Troy, pull Marc in.

Yeah.

Marc, lick his chest up to his neck.

How you feeling, Troy?

Really... really good.

Then throw your head back--

Sorry!

It's perfect. Stay right there!

Marc, make like you're kissing your way down.

How 'bout I do this?

This is hot, right?

God, yeah.

You're a natural, Troy.

Close your eyes.

Marc, move down between his legs

and kiss his stomach.

Marc, get up so you're on top of him,

face to face.

You can open your eyes if you want.

Hold that pose - like you're about to kiss.

One of those first kisses, where it takes forever

before you meet.

Moving closer... and closer.

Shit!

What?

My card's full.

Hey look, I wanna keep this going.

You're fine with that, right?

Uh-huh.

I'll just go upload 'em in my room.

It'll take 15 minutes.

Hold that pose.

I'll be in my room - with the door closed.

I don't think I can stay like this for 15 minutes.

Me neither.

I know I'm not your type--

And I'm not a girl, but we'll improvise.

Oh, that feels so good.

Oh, man, oh, man. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna...

Wow, that was... fast.

I'm sorry. It's been awhile.

Plus, I haven't gotten it like that before.

Like that, meaning with a guy

or meaning it was that good?

Here, let me get you a towel--

No, wait. My turn.

Ohhh... Mmm...

Troy... teeth! Teeth!

Sorry!

It's okay...

Ohh... yeah.

Ahh...

Am I not doing it right?

No, you were fine.

I just...

I just can't--

Fuck!

Why am I so bad at giving oral sex?

You were doing great! I just... I'm sorry.

Is it because I'm not your type?

Troy... you're hot. Trust me.

Or, no... don't trust me.

Can you wait one minute?

These are hot!

I can't do it.

But it's going exactly how you wanted.

I just can't do it.

If Kyle wants to pretend to be straight just to have

sex with Troy, that's his prerogative.

But I just can't do this anymore.

Well, can we at least finish the photo shoot?

Oh, great.

He's probably freaking out about making it with a guy.

He's probably looking for someone who won't

cock-tease him.

I know where he's going.

I fucked up.

What is it?

I had sex with a guy.

Was it Marc?

Oh, my God, that's horrible!

I know. It was.

- It was? - It was?

I felt so guilty, because...

all I could do was think about you, Kyle.

Really?

Yeah. How I let you down.

And how I let the group down.

And how more than anything I wanted to be with a woman.

Or with a man and a woman. I don't know...

it's all so confusing.

And then I thought of you two.

And what good friends you've been to me.

And how honest and open you've been

about your struggles, Kyle.

And about how you two have an arrangement.

Wait, wait Is this too weird?

(both) It's not too weird.

Show me.

- Huh? - Show me your routine.

Oh, it's-- gonna go that far?

Three-ways usually do.

I want you... to teach me... please?

Why don't I do a little mouth magic on you first?

That'll get me all nice and rolling out

the welcome mat down there.

No. You two first.

That'll get me ready for what you're gonna do to me.

But you don't want sloppy seconds.

Company should go first.

Blah!

Blah!

That is so hot.

Kyle, eat me out already!

The boy wants to see how it's done!

Please don't make me!

Oh, yes... oh, yes.

That's it... You can do it.

Make mama proud.

Oh my God. It's like the little

homo that could.

You wanna try now? Please?

Troy?

Where are you going?

Well, that certainly didn't taste like sugar and spice.

Troy!

What's going on?

It's my pussy. My pussy scared him away!

You little ex-gay sluts!

Oh... my... God.

Can we come in, or were you in the middle of dinner?

What are you doing here?

We're not eating pussy.

What are the three of you doing?

Well, Kyle was showing Troy the art of cunnilingus.

And he was doing an admirable job.

Yeah, for a gay guy.

Yeah, I know - everything.

You guys will do anything to get laid.

I ate pussy for nothing?

You deserved it!

Hey! It wasn't that bad!

I'm sorry. I'm horrible.

We're all horrible.

If it's any consolation, it wasn't just about the sex.

We really liked you.

Working out with you.

Watching the game.

Drawing you.

It doesn't matter now. Like he's gonna want to have

anything to do with us.

The fucked up thing is, even though you lied to me,

and to each other, and to people you don't

even know... I like you... liars.

We like you, too.

Yeah, you're so cool.

And I'm sorry. I know I kind of led you all

on with my whole confused thing.

Yeah, so c'mon. You've sucked dick

and eaten pussy. Which is it?

That's what's been tripping me up all these years.

I thought it had to be one or the other.

But after sampling both, I've come to a conclusion.

I'm... bisexual.

(all) There's no such thing!

Says who?

The laws of nature!

It's like horses fucking gerbils!

Well, then I'm a freak of nature.

And I'm proud of it.

Good! Be proud, bi-boy!

I wish you'd been proud when we met.

But I guess that's hard when people like you

and Jacob Buchanan tell him how bad it is to be gay.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I should've helped you instead of trying to take advantage

of you not knowing what you were.

So... what do we do now?

We're gonna stop people like me.

No one should take advantage of confused queer kids.

And the sooner we help them see past what they don't like

in themselves so they can see the great things

right in front of them...

the better.

He's a homo who fucks things up for other homos.

I don't know if--

Octavio, if people like him weren't around,

everyone would come out! You would get laid like that!

I take your point. I'll do it.

And then we make love.

Stop the spread of faggotry!

Wake up and smell the patchouli!

You're a dyke!

Help! I'm being recruited!

Convince me you didn't like that.

Do your best.

Look... I'm not gonna embrace who I am just because

it's obvious, okay?

What?

Everyone's so cool with being gay.

Will and Grace this, Clay Aiken that.

Well, I'm not gonna be labeled.

You're not convincing me.

Okay, I'm gay. Now shut up and kiss me!

I'm not gay.

Then what do you want?

I want us to make art.

That is so... hot.

God, you are a lesbian.

Mom? What are you doing here?

What's wrong?

It's nothing.

No, what?

I've never seen you this upset.

I was at the beauty shop,

and I was looking through a magazine,

and I saw that the Oscars are coming up.

Well, I thought, who am I gonna watch

the Oscars with?

And then that Britney Aguilera song came on - the one about

you're beautiful even if you're ugly and gay -

and I thought, who's gonna play me this

shitty music or take me out dancing

when I've had a bad day?

Mom, come on--

No, you stop.

You're gonna get married and have kids, for Christ's sake.

And I'm gonna visit with my girlfriends and all we're

gonna talk about are grandchildren -

and that is so boring!

And Kyle, you've never been boring,

and that is because you're gay.

You're a fag, and I want my little faggot back.

Mom... He is back.

Did my vagina scare you away?

What?

The other night, you ran away the second you saw my vagina.

Don't be crazy.

I think you have a very sexy vagina.

Well, you sure know how to charm a girl.

There - this port-a-potty's ready to roll.

I got his precious Blackberry. We have five minutes.

Okay, now do what you gotta do but be quick about it.

(Octavio) It shouldn't take more than a couple minutes.

Got it.

Perfect!

Now get your ass to the parking lot, pronto.

This is turning me on!

Octavio, aren't you going to the big presentation?

Yeah, but it's not till one o'clock.

It's in five minutes.

It's at one o'clock. Check your schedule.

Oh. I could've sworn it was--

So it looks like you have some time to kill, huh?

Well, there's plenty of work to be done--

Oh... Too bad.

Hi. Are you here for Coming In?

Yes, we are.

Where's Jacob? I'm Linda, his mother.

Mrs. Buchanan. So nice to meet you.

I'm Kyle, one of Jacob's right-hand men.

He's running a little late, but he did say to go ahead

and start without him.

Hmm. Jacob's never mentioned you.

Probably because he's so busy talking about all

the girls he's dating, huh!

No!

No kissing.

Mmm, you like it nasty.

Today, I am proud to present the fruits of my son's labor.

But more than that, I'm excited to see

the swelling of Coming In as the homosexual threat

seems to be swelling exponentially.

It is people like my son Jacob,

who continue to thrust our crusade into the spotlight.

Oh, yes, I've wanted this for so--

No, I wanna be loud.

It's dangerous! It's hot--

Open this and shut up.

Jacob has always been a beacon of light.

When he came to me as a teenager and told me of his inner demons,

I knew we could destroy them with loving support

and a strong fist.

You're gonna split me in two, aren't you?

And we have!

Today, Jacob dates girls - and he likes dating girls!

Jacob proves that if you can fight it, you can hide it!

And if you can hide it, you can bury it!

Ah! What was that?

That was me.

Oh God, it was you.

Oh God, it is you!

In keeping with the themes you've mentioned, Linda,

we've commissioned local artist Gwen Anderson and Coming In

member Violet Mufdaver to portray the revolting

and immoral acts of homosexuality in a new

and compelling campaign, which we'd like to

present to you now. Gwen?

Members of the student press, heterosexuals,

and those who want to be, we present Coming In's

newest ad campaign...

"Gay Sex Sucks."

Oh, baby!

This... is absolutely revolting!

Where is Jacob?

Oh, I'm so close!

Where is my son?

I'm going to find Jacob, and when he's through with you--

Oh, baby! I'm so close!

So close!

Jacob?

I'm coming!

Mommy?

Ugh!

Get this off of me!

Yep. He's gay.

Gwen...

I was wondering if I could maybe model for you sometime.

Me, too.

I didn't know outing someone could be so much fun.

Listen, Tiffani... I don't know how you feel

about the whole bisexual thing.

I let my ex-boyfriend's gay roommate go down on me.

I'm a pretty open person.

Yeah, well, you know how you and Kyle were pretending

to have an arrangement?

You mean the three-ways?

Yeah.

How would you feel if you really had that... with me?

Because I'd be honored to be your boyfriend.

No one's ever said that to me before.

You went above and beyond the call of duty.

No... that was hot.

And now I think it's time for you to repay me

for my services.

Octav--

I won't take no for an answer.

No.

Well, that was easy!

You know what, Mom?

I'm glad you caught me!

I'm gay!

And Octavio--

Octavio

He's my lover!

Well, we're off for a fuck!

Seems like everybody is.

Do me one favor.

- Yeah? - Lead him to the clit.

Honey, from the waist down it's all clit.

That's how I do it.

You know, these lies I get us into really have

a way of working out.

Perfect.

Remember how, when you and Marc were fighting over Troy,

you tapped into some unknown confidence

none of us knew you had?

Yeah?

Use it.

So... plan worked...

Everyone seems to be happy.

So, Octavio, huh?

Please. There's nothing there.

He's just a friend I had sex with once.

Looks like you went out and made some hot friends.

Yeah. I got more social.

It does make you jealous.

What?

When Troy left last night, I knew where he was going -

the same place I used to go when I had

a problem I needed to talk about.

I got jealous.

So... Do you think you can find

it in your heart to love somebody who pretended

to be straight just to get laid?

I don't know.

Can you love someone who flirted with way too many

guys while he was your boyfriend?

Can you love someone whose last sexual act

involved eating pussy?

Can you love someone who--

Wait, being a flirt was my only flaw, right?

I don't know. I lost count.

You've brushed your teeth, right?

Does that turn you on as much as I think it does?

Yeah.

But that doesn't mean I'm not open to new experiences.

Come here.

Better than boys?

Different.

Different rocks.

Oh! Oh!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Did I do good?

Yes, baby. You did good.

All right, time for thirds!

God! Oh, God!

I am gay.