All language subtitles for post halenscrubs.s08e10.My Comedy Show.eng

Okay, Mr. Rego,

I know you've been complaining
about the bedpans being too cold,

so I used an incubator in pediatrics
to warm this bad boy up for you. Enjoy.

You know, I used to use an incubator
to keep my lunch warm.

Till some whiny new mom complained

that her preemie smelled
like a ham sandwich.

Weird thing was,
I had a tuna melt in there, not ham.

Most newborns smell amazing.
An unlucky few are ham babies.

Oh! God, here comes
the happiest person on the planet.

Hi! Hey! You look so beautiful today.

Hi! Hi, Katie!

All the interns are going out for drinks.
Do you wanna come?

Yeah, I'll get my stuff.

How about you, dude-chick?

No, I'm gonna stay here
and catch up on my scut work.

You can try as hard as you want
not to be my friend,

but eventually I'm gonna get you.
Come on, Howie.

If I get drunk enough,
I'll undo my scrub bottoms

and let you do a shot off my butt.

All right.

I've noticed that
you always stay here late

- and work after your shift is over.
- I get a lot of work.

If you don't get out of the hospital
every once in a while

and blow off some steam,
this place will eventually crush you.

So go, okay? For me.

- Fine.
- Great.

Oh, my God, Caitlin,
that baby's beautiful.

Ham baby.

What? Hell no.

Got you.

Holy mackerel!

Oh, my God. This can't get any worse.

That is one long-ass booby hair.

J.D.: Like most hospitals,
Sacred Heart makes their interns

put on a sketch show
roasting the senior staff.

It was never any good,
but this year it would be.

Okay, people, before we begin,
you need to accept one simple truth.

- We are funny, and you are not.
- Sucks to hear, doesn't it?

We will be writing all of your sketches.
You're welcome. Let's jump right in.

I need two volunteers to go full frontal.
Howie?

No, I have eczema.

Sunny, Denise? Maybe rubbing
some oil on one another?

- Yeah, sure, no problem.
- No, not at all.

Okay, well,
then let's cut the leukemia sketch.

Dude, no, that sketch is gold.

Well, if they're not naked,
they're just sad and dying.

What's funny about that?

- We make them British.
- Good save.

It's back in, but only because
this man is a comic genius.

I have been called
the black Wayne Brady.

Okay, try and believe in us, guys.

This thing has not been funny
for eight years, when we were interns.

I love Jesus
And, Jesus, he loves me

One, two, three, Jesus!

- I sure do love me some Jesus.
- I know, Laverne.

You rang?

The Messiah, ladies and gentlemen.
The Messiah.

Shalom and nanu-nanu, my friends.

- Oh! Hell no.
- Front row.

There will be a 20-minute intermission.

I never saw her coming.

She was killed in a car accident.
I miss her.

Anyway, let's be funny for her.

I can't do this all on my own

No, I know

I'm no Superman

I'm no Superman

Hey, will you hand me
those blood gas reports, Sonja?

You can call me "Sunny."

My dad nicknamed me that
because he said I brighten up a room.

Of course, in college,
I had a few dark years.

My car was stolen, I had three...

Was it three? No, four.
I had four abortions.

I'm joking!

I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.

- Why are you laughing?
- 'Cause I'm scared. I'm not that strong.

So, how was last night, Denise?

I ended up staying here
and finishing my casework.

What the hell?

At least with my patients,
I'm used to being ignored.

Like with Mr. Cooper
after his triple bypass.

I told him to start eating healthier,

he goes right back
to scarfing down bacon burgers.

And you wanna know
where he is now, Denise?

- He's dead, isn't he?
- No, he just moved back to Phoenix.

I was going to say that he was dead,

but I think saying that about people
who are still alive is a huge jinx.

Look, when I kicked you out
of the hospital last night...

Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.
Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.

Nope, just my mom. Ignore.

Look, I promise
I'll get out of the hospital tonight. Okay?

Deal. Now come on.
I want you guys both to see this case.

She's a 16-year-old girl
with cyclical neutropenia.

It's a rare disorder that periodically
shuts down her entire immune system.

Basically, every three weeks
she almost dies.

Hey, Brianna, Mrs. Tarasi.

Just wanted to introduce you
to Sunny and Denise.

They're the interns
who'll be covering the floor today.

Oh! Cool.

If you guys give me your cell numbers,
I can text you if I need anything.

These kids with their texting
and their cell phones.

- Our generation never had that stuff.
- Yeah.

I just kind of feel like, I don't know,

there's three generations
in the room right now.

If you want to instant message me,
my screen name is Sunnyhoneybunny.

Of course it is.

- Do you have teenagers?
- How old do you think I am?

- What's up?
- Where have you been?

- Oh!
- How could you be late?

This is our sketch show!

Our sketch show!

Our sketch show!

That's cool, man.
It's just a sketch show.

J.D.: Our sketch show!

Okay, let's assign sketches.
Partner up, please.

Yikes.

I'll be with Denise. Problem solved!

Can we go now?

Good morning. Okay, I think
we should just get this out in the open.

I saw you pluck your special hair
the other day.

I was there. I saw.

Question is,
what are we gonna do about it?

I have an idea. Let me speak first.
May I? Good.

I believe that
you should give me the hair,

because I've been scrapbooking
the most disgusting things

that I can think of,
and I want to put it on the page

in between my decayed molars
and my snug,

which is a snail-slug hybrid

that I was able to splice together
in my garage unsuccessfully.

We didn't see each other yesterday.

Well, that was unexpected.

Thank you.

Okay, Brianna,
your chest x-ray looks good.

We should be able
to get you home tomorrow.

I'm just gonna go talk to your mom

about some changes
in your medication.

Aren't moms the greatest?

My mom bought me
these scrubs last week, just because.

Oh! And this morning,
I found this little note.

It says, "You're super special."

If that's what moms do,
I'm glad I never met mine.

"Look at me, I'm dark and edgy."

I love my mom,
but I wish she would ease up a little.

I mean, I know I'm sick,
but not all the time,

and she still never lets me
leave the house.

You know, I've never had a date.

It's like she's so freaked out
about me dying

that she won't let me have a life.

- She doesn't want your stupid note.
- You don't know that.

- Do I know you?
- I'm a friend.

What is Jimmy
the overly-touchy orderly doing here?

Dude, he does amazing impressions.
He's a ringer.

We can put him in any bit
that's not working.

Like the Dr. Wen sketch.

It's almost show time.
Let's work out some of the kinks.

You guys doing the Dr. Cox sketch,
make sure you

Really stretch out all your words, okay?

And under no circumstances
are you to tell him

that I wrote the joke implying
he may have a sports car

because he has a small penis.

Unless he finds it hilarious,
at which point you will break character

and say, "John Dorian wrote that joke."

I will then stand,
give a humble nod, like so,

and then gesture for you to continue.

Meghan, you're playing Carla.
That's my wife.

Please show some respect.
Kathy, you're playing Elliot.

So I wanna see some bug-eyes,
all right? And... Perfect!

Plus, find some cardboard,

stick it down
the back of your pants, right?

Make that ass flat, girl.
Let me see what you got right now.

- Yeah, we could go flatter.
- We can go flatter.

- We can go flatter.
- You know, I've chewed on that thing

- and it's flatter than day-old beer.
- I gotta tell you.

You know what? I made a funny.
Turk, rewrite.

I am already on it.

Katie, dynamite Beardface costume.

- I can't see anything in this.
- Performers find a way, Katie.

Use your other senses.
Where are Sunny and Denise?

Well, you know,
they're supposed to be...

No, thank you. Cool.

They're supposed to be playing us,

but they haven't picked up
their scripts or anything.

Hey, Dr. Reid,
can we talk to you about Brianna?

Her mom is being
way too over-protective.

Unfortunately, my lady,
I saw what I saw.

You either plucked a giant hair,
or you have mini chest snakes.

Maybe you're just imagining things.

Like that time you thought you built
a giant sand castle in the parking lot.

Or the time you said you hung J.D.
Up like a flag,

totally defying the laws of physics.

- I did those things.
- Did you?

At least I thought I...
Head games aren't gonna work on me.

Unfortunately for you,
I have a photographic memory.

For instance,
I arrived here yesterday at 7:45 a.m.

At 7:50 a.m., I took a nap.

At 2:45 p.m., I awoke to find you

plucking a comically large hair
off of your baby-feeder.

I then took my afternoon nap,

then I went on break,
and then I went home.

Couldn't sleep a wink.
Damnedest thing.

Sad.

Stop walking away from me.

And now I'm sleepy again.

Brianna should totally get
to live her life.

I'm gonna go talk to her mom.

But you guys gotta do me a favor.

She's really starting to get in my head

with this whole
we're-the-same-age thing.

So I'm just gonna start
throwing out numbers

and you guys stop me
whenever I get to the age

you think I look like. Okay?

22, 23, 24, 25, 25, 25...

You know what?
This is a really stupid game, okay?

Aren't you guys late
for some sketch show?

Crap.

Idiots.

Isn't this fun, running together?

- Shut up, Sunny.
- Okay.

- Oh, my God, I'm so nervous.
- Welcome to live theater.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm Bob Kelso.

And my life is so empty
that I still come here every day

to stuff my face with muffins.

And I like prostitutes.

That's funny 'cause it's true.

Hey, I'm The Todd. Wow.

Looks like we got a full house.
I got a full house in my pants.

Hello. I'm Dr. Beardface.

I was up all night sewing.

- My beard is only this big.
- Lighten up, Seymour. I took my lumps.

Okay, one last chance to admit
the truth before this gets ugly.

- Did I see the nipple hair or not?
- You did not.

Beardface!

And so it begins.

Hi, I'm Dr. Wen, and it's an honor
to have you as a patient, Owen Wilson.

Oh! Come on, Doc.
What about patient-doctor privacy?

How's that supposed to make me feel?

- Mr. Jack Black.
- Thanks, buddy.

Sacred Heart!

- Mr. Brad Pitt.
- Thank you, Dr. Wen.

I do have to say it's very hard
covering the medical bill

when you have 14 children.

You know,
people are always asking me,

"Hey, hey, Dane Cook.
Hey, Dane Cook."

Yeah, they use my full name.

Hey, what's the deal
with tongue depressors?

Is it supposed to make your tongue sad
or something?

Like, taste it... This muffin tastes sad.
Why do people find me funny?

Dude, we gave them too much Jimmy.

- J.D.: Off the stage, Jimmy!
- Okay, Jimmy. Yay!

Hi, everyone. We're gonna do a sketch
about Dr. Dorian and Dr. Turk.

I don't even know
what we're supposed to do.

- Just follow my lead.
- Okay.

- Look at your mole.
- It's huge!

Here are those lab reports
you wanted, Turk.

Thanks. I did need those, J.D.

J.D.: They're bombing.
- Well, it serves them right.

Man, who cares about them?
We did it! We did the whole thing!

Goodbye, J.D. Thank you so much for...

How is that funny?

Hey, Dr. Reid, did you get a chance
to talk to Brianna's mom?

- Well, I'll tell you...
- Hey, Denise,

we're all going out for drinks
to celebrate. You wanna come?

No, I'm gonna stay and study.

And you broke your promise yet again.
Shocking.

Look, I promise
I'll go out tomorrow night, okay?

So, what did Brianna's mom say?

You know, I've been thinking about it.

I mean, we have really no idea
what that woman's going through.

I mean, who's to say that
she isn't right to be so cautious?

After all, it's her daughter.
So I decided not to talk to her.

It's really none of our business.

J.D.: Today was the fifth anniversary
of the time

Turk and I met David Caruso
on a Ferris wheel.

Usually, to celebrate,
Turk would lift me in the air

while I straddled him
and yelled "Eagle!"

But this morning, I somehow knew
that wasn't gonna happen.

- Hey.
- Hey.

J.D.: Eagle.

Elliot didn't seem like herself, either.

I don't care what you think is right
for Brianna.

Okay, if either of you hassles her mom,
there will be consequences. Bad ones.

- Okay, why are you smiling?
- I can't help it. It's permanent.

Donny, muffin, please.

Not bran. Better.

What do you want?

I'm getting ready to torture
Nurse Chest-Whiskers,

but it's her word against mine,

so I need you to verify
yesterday's incident.

What incident?
I wasn't even here yesterday.

You were there.

Excuse me. What?

Shh!
He's standing right here.

- Me?
- Okay, I'll tell him.

My muffin thinks you're crazy
and she wants you to go.

You tell your muffin that I think
she's crazy. Maybe she should go.

No.

What is happening to me?

Nice job.

That lady has no idea
what's good for her daughter.

I know. I just want to go over there
and smush her face.

So this is you mad?

Did you hear me? Like, just smush it.

So go talk to her.

I mean, you're both
sort of almost doctors.

Part of that is
doing what you think is right.

- Let's do this.
- Okay, try to act tough.

And forget it.

Oh! So, now we can't sit
on the same side of the table?

- We never do that.
- We always do up here.

Why did that sketch
bother us so much?

- We've always joked about our little...
- Don't say it, okay? I hate that word.

It's a bromance, Turk. You can't fight it.

It never bothered me before

because I thought
it was our stupid little joke

that Elliot and Carla were in on.

But I didn't know that's how
the whole hospital views us, man.

J. D?

- Pretty great, huh?
- Well, when you're right, you're right.

- Yeah.
- So, how's your day going?

It's pretty good so far.

I see you're eating bread again.
I thought you were off carbs.

J. D!

- I'm sorry. I'm back. Continue.
- Look, we're senior staff now,

so maybe at work,
we should tone down the PDA.

I agree.

- But does that include...
- It definitely includes "Eagle!"

Oh! Good.

Look at that, I'm not hungry anymore.

Brianna has so much
to deal with right now.

It just seems like you should let her
enjoy every normal moment she can

instead of forcing her
to hide from life all the time.

As much as I hate to agree with Dr...

Dey.

- Your name is Sunny Dey?
- Mmm-hmm.

Okay, as ridiculous as it was
for her parents to name her that,

I think what you're doing with Brianna
is 1,000 times worse.

My daughter's immune system
doesn't work.

Why don't you two tell me what it's like

when your child risks death
every time she shakes hands?

Do you think I care one bit
what you think?

We tried.

You know, yesterday,
Dr. Reid came in and gave me

the same sanctimonious speech,
and I told her the exact same thing.

Hey, what's going on over here?

- Everything okay?
- I'm great.

I just don't know what's real anymore,
but that's okay, right?

I mean, so what if big chunks of my life
were just figments of my imagination?

So I never went to China
and had a baby with a local.

Maybe I was never in The Fugitive.

Listen, this place
can make anyone crazy.

Once, after a double shift,

I swore I went home
and crawled into bed with Turk.

Next day, I woke up in the on-call room
spooning Dr. Beardface.

Now the guy's always slipping me
hotel keys.

I can't believe
you're being so nice to me

when I almost punished you for
something that never even happened.

Please accept my apologies.

That was easier than I thought.

No, Beardface.

I'm so proud of you, man.
You know, I've always emulated you.

I shaved my privates bald
to look like your head.

Todd, I'm actually kind of touched.
Come on.

What's going on?

They're gonna publish
my old therapy paper.

J.D.: There it was.

He wanted a hug and I damn sure
wanted to give him one,

but all we could do was say this.

- Congrats.
- Thanks, man.

J.D.: Don't look back. Fight it. Fight it.
Damn it, you're only human.

Turk?

I ran all the way around.

It's guy love
Don't compromise

- People are gonna look.
- What people?

It's guy love between two guys

Why'd you lie
about talking to Brianna's mom?

I'm going first.

Why'd you go talk to her
after I told you to drop it?

- It's not fair what her mom's doing.
- And why is that?

I don't know,
because people need to be able

to go out and do things and live life.

Where have I heard that before?

Oh! Yeah, it's the exact same advice
I've given you 9,000 times.

So you had me get crushed
by that mom just to prove a point?

She even had me give you a little push
so you wouldn't wimp out.

I'm very bright. Look, I've been there.
I did what you did.

I was an intern.
I've lived at this hospital.

I saw the same exact people
day after day,

which, for the record, makes even
the uggos look attractive after a while.

Oh! Is that how you got together
with Dr. Dorian?

What? No. Well, maybe at first. No.

No.

J.D.: Sometimes interns think
they know it all,

but the lessons
really never stop coming.

Whether you've heard it 1,000 times...

For the last time,
get out of here every once in a while,

- or this place will swallow you up.
- What about Brianna?

J.D.: Or it's something totally new.

So much crappy stuff happens here
all day long,

the best way to get past it
is do what I do.

Just pretend it never happened.

- Hey, sorry again.
- Don't beat yourself up about it.

J.D.: Of course, some lessons
you pick up on your own...

- I just got the urge to buy you a shirt.
- Well, then, to the mall!

Mount up.

Eagle!

J.D.: Like how important it is
to have a good friend here

to help you get through it.

Oh!

- Anyone sitting here?
- Not just anyone. You.

Okay, no more talking
till I'm drunk. Okay?

Partner up, please.

Val, please don't make a sign

that says "LOSER"
with an arrow pointing towards Jo.

Ha-ha! Now it's pointing towards me.
Very clever.

- Turk, will you get the sign, please?
- I am on it.

- Val!
- You guys...

- You guys are doctors.
- I'm telling you.

- This is unprofessional.
- Got it.

This is a different "LOSER" sign.

Where is the original "LOSER" sign?
There's two now.

- Right there. I see it.
- Okay, can you get that one, please?

I'm gonna get it right now.

I think we should stop
looking for the sign

and start looking for the Sharpie,
'cause we're losing control here.

We are not losing control.

Okay, who wrote that?