Original subtitles

( dramatic western theme playing )

Paper, mister?

We carry 'em all. Topeka, uh, Fort Worth--

No thank you, sir.

A magazine is what I'm looking for.

The Western Traveler's Gazette, please.

Oh. Oh, yes, sir.

Ha! I just happen to have one,

the last copy.

All I want is one, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

Pardon me, sir.

Do you know where

the Samson and Delilah Barbershop is?

Oh. Oh, yes, sir, it's--

It's right up at the end of the street

on the other side.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's right,

an honest-to-goodness lady barber.

Just like the other Delilah.

I was supposed to meet a friend here.

Mr. Gordon?

Do you recognize that name, Mr. Claymore?

( sighs )

You can sit down and wait for him

if you have a mind to.

And while you're waiting,

I can give you a first-class haircut.

Well, considering what happened to Samson,

how 'bout just a first-class shave?

( tense theme playing )

That's enough, Delilah, my pearl.

( suspenseful theme playing )

For our purposes...

this is sharp enough.

( laughs )

( upbeat western theme playing )

WOMAN'S VOICE: ♪ Monday's child ♪

♪ Is fair of face ♪

♪ Tuesday's child Is full of grace ♪

♪ Wednesday's child Is full of woe ♪

♪ Thursday's child Has far to go ♪

♪ Friday's child Works hard for a living ♪

♪ Saturday's child Is loving and giving ♪

♪ Sunday's child Is bonny and brave ♪

( eerie carnival theme playing )

( screaming and cackling )

( cackling )

( mysterious theme playing )

Judge Fairlie.

Please.

In the name of heaven, help me.

( witch cackles )

( footsteps approaching )

( ominous theme playing )

( tense action theme playing )

( man laughing )

( laughing )

Mister, when you settle in to get some shuteye,

you don't fool around, do you?

What happened to Delilah?

Delilah? That's me, dearie.

You never mentioned it,

was your shave okay?

I have a feeling it was a little close.

Oh. Uh, pardon me.

What happened to the newsstand

that was over there?

Newsstand?

There was never a newsstand there, mister.

( ominous theme playing )

Artie.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to settle for me, Jim.

Hey, Jeremy. How have you been?

Nice to see you.

Where's Artie?

He's on his way to Washington right now, Jim.

They needed him there fast.

Oh, well, that's just great, colonel.

You haven't heard the worst.

( laughs )

Don't tell me I'm gonna get stuck with the likes of you

till Artie gets back.

Could turn out quite well, Jim.

You two have worked together before,

and Jeremy Pike knows the Rocky Mountain situation

better than any other agent.

Which is just as well,

because things have started to break wide open.

We've been waiting for you, Jim.

The news has been coming in hot and heavy over the wire.

And I assume that news is Judge Fairlie's kidnapping.

How did you know?

I don't know, I guess I had a dream.

"After presiding over the Tenth Circuit District

"for 10 years,

"Judge Fairlie was appointed to the court of claims

in January of last year."

Till he was kidnapped, put in a fun house.

Whoever's behind it sets up

the most elaborate plan I've ever seen.

Just so that you could have firsthand evidence of it, huh?

Well, so it would seem.

I mean, the phony newsstand man

in a phony newspaper stand

sees to it that I get a phony message

to meet Artie in a barbershop

run by a phony barber.

By the fetching name of Delilah.

That's delicious.

Now, Jim, we checked that out.

And the only fun house was with the Continental Circus,

which was headed for Fiddler's Bend at the time,

a good 20 miles from here.

And in the hour I was out,

there wasn't time to transport me

from there back here.

Let me ask you something.

Does it say anything

about Fairlie taking a trip in there?

As a matter of fact, it does.

He was getting ready to go to Scotland

to represent the United States

at the upcoming jurisprudence convention in Edinburgh.

So?

So...

Thursday's child has far to go.

So when my host waved that sign

in front of my face,

he was telling me about Fairlie.

Thursday's child has far to go.

Thursday's child.

Thursday's child.

Isn't that from that old rhyme,

"Monday's Child Is Fair of Face"?

So?

Well, now, Fairlie was kidnapped on Thursday.

And he was heading for Scotland,

so he certainly had far to go.

I can't help wondering

if there's some others tied in here too.

What others?

Well, now, this whole operation is so wild

that if Judge Fairlie is Thursday's child,

I have a sneaking feeling

that there are other children involved here too.

Monday's child is fair of face.

Tuesday's child is full of grace.

Wednesday's child is--

Monday's child. Could that be Lynn Carstairs?

( huffs )

Lynn Carstairs, the actress.

Fair of face is hardly the word.

She's gorgeous.

And remember, Jim?

She disappeared from the stage

at The Haymarket last Monday.

MAN: It was easily the most sensational curtain

Miss Carstairs ever made.

There she was,

taking one bow after another,

when out of nowhere, this swan seat

is lowered down loaded with flowers.

You don't know who was operating it, huh?

I don't know from Adam.

I figured maybe Miss Carstairs had arranged it.

Anyway, she's game.

She steps into the swan seat and up it goes.

Big applause, I assume.

Brought down the house.

What an exit, huh?

Only when the swan seat finally comes back,

no Carstairs.

And that was the last seen of her.

( rustling )

Jim, whoever figured this out

is a first-rate artist.

I traced the route of the kidnappers

up across the fly gallery onto the roof

and then onto a kind of an elevator

that they rigged to lower her to the ground.

And look what else I found on the roof.

It's brandy.

My nose tells me

it's a very special kind of brandy.

Cognac de Grande Marguerite.

It's very interesting.

The head man was up there sipping brandy.

While his underlings are sweating out

the big operation.

Jerry, your theory is starting

to prove its point.

A series of child disappearances--

Monday's child is fair of face.

Lynn Carstairs.

Tuesday's child is full of grace.

Ivan Kalinkovitch,

first-rate ballet master,

called away from rehearsal last Tuesday,

hasn't been seen since.

Wednesday's child is full of woe.

There's only one disappearance

on record on Wednesday:

the famous jockey Biff Trout.

Trailing the field at Swanson Downs,

he goes into the backstretch.

He rides into a bank of smoke

that suddenly appears mysteriously,

and the horse comes out of it riderless.

No trace of Trout.

As I remember, Golden Apple won that race,

paid off 16-to-1.

Great odds, but that incident

doesn't seem to tie in with the others.

No woe in Biff's young life.

Happy-go-lucky jockey,

very successful with the horses

and with the ladies.

Man about town.

Why didn't I think of it? Not unhappiness woe.

Certainly. Whoa!

That takes care of Wednesday's child.

Now, Thursday's child has far to go.

Judge Fairlie.

( sack thumps )

( suspenseful theme playing )

Of course, you know that all this mumbo jumbo

is designed to bring us to the next order of business.

Friday's child who works hard for a living.

We're being spoon-fed a clue at a time,

all of it leading us where?

Finding that out is where the real fun comes in.

Jer, let's play along with them.

Where was that circus headed?

Um, Fiddler's Bend, wasn't it?

Well, I'm gonna check it out.

Cognac de Grande Marguerite.

I have a feeling that out there somewhere,

there's a gentleman who would be more than interested

in a newly-discovered half dozen bottles

of Napoleon's exquisite brew.

( carnival theme playing )

One for you.

And one for me.

Ah, the lovely, adored

Miss Lynn Carstairs.

( whimpers )

I trust you are well, madame.

( sobs )

And the incomparable Ivan Petrovitch Kalinkovitch.

I hope we're not interrupting a rehearsal.

Please, I cannot endure confinement.

I-- I must get out of here.

Indeed.

Bars shouldn't trouble

a great artist like you, Ivan Petrovitch.

Dance your way out.

( inhales )

( sighs )

Biff Trout.

One part man, one part horse,

with a special stink

of stable and corruption about him.

Oh, come on, doc.

As one jockey to another,

what have I ever done for you to get mad at me?

You exist, do you not?

For the time being, let that be reason enough.

And our newest and most distinguished guest,

that pillar of the federal bench,

Justice Alonzo Fairlie.

I give you welcome, sir.

You're mad, of course.

Observe the classical magistrate's mind

at work, Delilah.

The good judge does not understand me,

ergo I am mad.

Allow me to introduce myself, sir.

I am Dr. Miguelito Loveless.

I plead guilty to being dictatorial,

vain, short-tempered, occasionally unreasonable,

and always, always a helpless admirer

of all that is rare and fine

in nature and art.

But mad?

No, sir, that I will not permit.

What-- What are you going to do with us?

For the answer to that,

we will have to wait until our other guests arrive.

Let's drink to that happy moment.

Pylo!

Yeah, doc?

Behold that most tragic of all sights:

an empty bottle

of Cognac de Grande Marguerite.

Yeah, and there ain't no more, neither.

That's the last one.

Well, then get some more, Pylo.

Don't ask me where, just get it.

Yeah, sure, doc.

As I was saying, friends,

let us drink to that happy time

when all our guests are present.

( gentle, upbeat theme playing )

( whinnies )

Afternoon, ma'am.

Something I can help you with?

A terrible thing has happened.

This seat feels like it's working loose.

Probably a bolt or two sheared loose.

Could be a real danger.

Better let me have a look.

Funny. Don't seem to be loose, ma'am.

What's this handle for?

I don't know,

I was hoping you could tell me.

( electricity buzzing ) ( grunting )

( grunts )

( chuckles )

So that's what happens when you pull that handle.

( laughs )

( tense theme playing )

Howdy, sheriff.

Howdy. Do something to help you, mister?

Yes, sir. Name's James West.

Mm-hm.

I'd like to ask a few questions.

Oh, yeah.

Well, ask ahead, Mr. West.

Have any people missing in this town?

No. Nobody's missing.

Fact is, nobody's left town except Arnie Johnson.

Went to San Francisco this morning.

You mean, there's no one missing in Fiddler's Bend?

Are you sure of that?

Well, now, Mr. West,

there ain't enough folks

in this big, driving metropolis of ours

that one can disappear

without it being a seven-day wonder.

Oh, right.

Well, what about the carnival that's due here?

When do you expect it?

Well, they should be pulling in anytime now.

Out at the old, uh, camp meeting grounds.

Well, thank you for everything, sheriff.

You're welcome.

Sheriff, have you seen Abbie in town this evening?

SHERIFF: No, ma'am, Mrs. Carter, I haven't.

Why, is something wrong?

MRS. CARTER: He's been missing since before noon.

Didn't even come home for his dinner.

Missed his dinner?

Well, that sure doesn't sound like Abbie.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll get on it right away, and I'll find him for you.

Don't you worry.

When you do, sheriff,

you tell him I'll be waiting at home.

Excuse me, ma'am. How does your--

How does your husband make a living?

When he tends to his work, he's a blacksmith.

Friday's child works hard for a living.

Sheriff.

You better list Mr. Carter among the missing.

Now, friend, here's a snappy number

that them high-living customers of yours

are gonna go for hook, line and sinker.

Cluny aperitif.

I might incline to doubt that, mister.

Well, now, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, friend.

I'm gonna throw in a bottle of absinthe liqueur

plus a bottle of Chablis

with every case of champagne that you order,

and I can't say it fairer than that, friend.

Foreigner, ain't you?

Hey, now, wait a minute.

Now, I'm as American as Paddy's pig

born on a Fourth of July.

My ancestors fought in the Revolutionary War

and a few more before that, even.

Now, just 'cause I deal in wines, liqueurs,

cordials, and cognacs

isn't a reason for you to get so suspicious.

Yeah, sure. The point I'm getting at,

my customers wouldn't know aperitifs

or any of them other fancy drinks

if it come right up and bit 'em on the leg.

Well, then I take it that I'm safe in assuming

that you wouldn't be interested

in Cognac de Grande Marguerite.

PYLO: Well, maybe he ain't,

but I sure am.

You know, I've been looking for you

ever since I read your ad in the morning paper.

How much?

Well, friend, I don't know if you're aware

of the fact that this merchandise

is just a trifle on the expensive side.

I said, how much?

Well, in American money,

there's a special for this week only: $124.

So you see, it's a little--

It's okay.

Now, just hand it over.

Excuse me, friend,

but this bottle is the only sample I got,

and I can't let you have it.

But if you'll just tell me

where I can deliver your bottle,

we'll have it over to your--

Okay, dude.

I said, hand it over.

Or I'm going to blow a hole right through your derby.

Well, you do that,

and I'm liable to drop this bottle.

And we'll both be in big trouble.

( laughs )

No, don't do that.

Well, you tell me where I can deliver the merchandise,

and you make it snappy, friend,

because I'm an old butterfingers from way back.

Yeah, yeah. Uh...

Deliver it to the Wells Fargo office in Denver, huh?

And make sure it gets there by tomorrow.

It's as good as there.

( sighs )

Okay.

Tomorrow, Saturday, Denver.

Friend?

Friend?

Who would you say

is Denver's most loving and giving citizen?

Sounds like a description of old Cyrus Barlow.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Cyrus Barlow.

( sighs )

Oh, lovely.

Simply lovely.

Uh-huh.

How splendid.

To forever remain

at the peak of your beauty.

( chuckles )

Never to grow old,

wither away.

Mr. Barlow, sir?

Yes, Wallas?

You have a caller, sir.

Oh, no, no.

Not now.

Wallace, you know that these new specimens

just arrived.

I'm very sorry, sir,

but he did say that it was quite urgent.

Oh, well.

Let's--

Let's see who it is.

Jeremy Pike,

United States Secret Service.

PIKE: That's right, Mr. Barlow.

Well...

Well, well.

Mr. Pike.

What could the Secret Service

possibly want with me?

Well, sir, we have every reason to believe

that someone is going to make an attempt to kidnap you.

Ki-- Kidnap me?

( laughs )

Mr. Pike, I--

I find that rather amusing.

Why in the world would anybody want

to try to kidnap me?

Well, sir, it's a rather long and complicated story.

Well...

This promises to be the high spot in my morning.

It all started with a lady barber named Delilah

and my partner Jim West.

( laughs )

Mr. Pike, I have great respect

for the United States Secret Service,

but how you could possibly jump to the conclusion

that I am Saturday's child?

But it's got to be, sir.

"Loving and giving."

Now, that describes your career

of giving away all those millions.

Yes, but I'm an old--

No, no, no, no. Please, now.

Go along with me

and give me every detail that you can

about your daily routine.

So confoundedly dull.

Not to anyone who's bound and determined

to kidnap you, sir.

( moans )

After breakfast, my chairman of the board

and a gaggle of directors barge in.

I have to spend an hour or so

pretending to listen to them.

Matter of fact, they left just before you...

After your business conference,

what then?

Drive to the stockmen's club.

Oh, on the way, I, uh,

usually stop for a flower at old Sadie's.

Flower lady. Heh, heh, heh.

And, uh, then maybe I discuss a little politics

with Henry the shoeshine man.

Excuse me, sir. Your carriage is waiting.

Um...

Mr. Barlow will be

15 minutes late this morning.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Barlow, how would you like

to devote the entire day to your insects?

There you are, Mr. Barlow.

Better than new.

Fine job, my boy.

Fine job.

Thank you.

Mr. Barlow, the next stop is always

Sadie's flower stand.

( grunts )

DRIVER: Whoa.

Good morning, Mr. Barlow.

Uh, what have you got for me this morning, Sadie?

Sadie's got a cold, Mr. Barlow.

I'm filling in for her.

My, what a strange,

pungent smell this flower has.

It's rather heady.

( tense, ominous theme playing )

( crowd laughing )

MAN 1: Did I ever tell you about Vernon Trimble?

Man 2: What did you say his name was?

MAN 1: Who?

Why, Vernon Trimble.

I never heard of him.

( crowd laughs )

LOVELESS: Now can I tell you my story about the two fleas?

Absolutely not.

Very well, since you press me.

Seems the two fleas

went to the theater one night,

and as they left,

one flea turned to the other and said,

"Shall we walk or take a dog?"

( crowd laughs )

LOVELESS: I must tell you about my friend West.

PUPPET MASTER: Why? What about him?

I went to his funeral the other day.

There was no one there.

PUPPET MASTER: Yeah? How come?

He wanted to keep it a secret service.

( laughing )

Hi, handsome.

How about buying little Lila a drink?

I'd like to, Lila, but not right now.

I'm not Lila, she is.

( both laugh )

( ominous theme playing )

( man laughing )

LOVELESS: Tell me, Tiny, when is a door not a door?

TINY: I don't know, Homer. When is a door not a door?

LOVELESS: Why, when it's ajar, of course.

( man laughs )

Tell me, Homer,

when is a ventriloquist's dummy not a ventriloquist's dummy?

When it's Dr. Loveless, of course.

You've outdone yourself this time, Dr. Loveless.

I thank you, Mr. West.

( tempo increases )

( chord continues )

Dead?

No, no, my dear.

Temporarily unconscious, that's all.

Well, why not polish him off?

Why not, indeed?

Why not throw away the third act

of Don Giovanni?

Why not slice the Mona Lisa into half a dozen sections,

chip the Koh-i-noor diamond into a dozen inferior stones?

Delilah...

My pearl.

There is an exquisitely correct

time and place for everything,

and Mr. West's time and place

are firmly fixed in my mind.

MAN [OVER GRAMOPHONE]: ♪ What shall we do With a drunken sailor? ♪

♪ What shall we do With a drunken sailor? ♪

♪ What shall we do With a drunken sailor ♪

♪ Early in the morning? ♪

♪ Put him in the longboat Till he's sober ♪

♪ Put him in the longboat Till he's sober ♪

♪ Put him in the longboat Till he's sober ♪

♪ Early in the morning ♪

( thumps )

♪ Heave-ho and up she rises ♪

♪ Heave-ho and up she rises ♪

♪ Heave-ho and up she rises ♪

♪ Early in the morning ♪

♪ What shall we do With a drunken sailor? ♪

♪ What shall we do With a drunken sailor? ♪

♪ What shall we do With a drunken sailor ♪

♪ Early in the morning? ♪

♪ Pull out the plug And wet him all over ♪

♪ Pull out the plug And wet him all over ♪

♪ Pull out the plug And wet him all over ♪

♪ Early in the morning ♪

( ominous theme playing )

( water trickling )

( suspenseful theme playing )

( cheering and applause )

I'd like a ticket, please.

Sorry, neighbor. No performance tonight.

( applause )

Well, I'll, uh--

I'll take a ticket anyway.

Okay.

Thank you.

This way, please.

Thank you.

( cheering and applause )

( whistling )

( suspenseful theme playing )

Ahhh.

At long last, you are here.

Of course, Mr. West,

there is something

of the salmon in you.

The fiercer, the more impossible

the cataracts that face you,

the more furiously you swim through them

to win your goal.

All right, Loveless, what's it all about?

A very simple plan, Mr. West. It's called retribution.

Punishment, if you please,

for all those who have incurred my wrath.

In short, a trial.

With you being judge, jury,

prosecutor and executioner, right?

No, not at all.

I am prosecutor, that's true.

But they are the executioners.

Here we have the learned judge.

( organ continues )

What about the jury?

Oh, the finest that money can buy.

( sheep bleating )

Twelve good men.

A typical jury.

Now, let the first witness approach the bar of judgment.

( plays chords )

Miss Lynn Carstairs.

I had a friend,

an earnest young protégé, whom I sent to you for help

in establishing her as an actress.

What was your answer?

Oh, please, if I had only known.

You sneered at her, didn't you?

You called her graceless, a scullery maid.

Jury, what say you?

( bleating )

The death penalty.

So ordered.

Ivan Petrovitch Kalinkovitch,

to the bar of justice.

Listen, doctor, I did not know

it was your ballet.

I will gladly admit to the whole world

that you were the composer, not I.

Jury, what is the fitting punishment

for one who pirates another's creation?

( bleating )

The supreme penalty? So ordered.

Justice Alonzo Fairlie.

The death sentence comes very easily

to your lips, doesn't it?

When the facts warrant it, yes.

Facts?

It wasn't facts you ordered executed,

it was a dear friend.

And for that-- Jury?

( bleating )

The jury finds that the facts

now warrant your death.

So ordered.

Biff Trout,

the peerless and incomparable rider of horses.

Tell the jury what is the worst crime

a jockey can commit.

Look, doc, so I threw a race?

I'll make it up to you, honest.

You preposterous fool.

It's not the $100,000 you robbed me of,

it's the principle of uncorrupted sport.

Jury!

( bleating )

Disbarred from further participation in life.

So ordered.

The case of Abbie Carter.

What did I ever do to you?

You made the mistake of being a foreman

on Judge Fairlie's jury.

You were the stouthearted one

who held out for the guilty verdict,

weren't you?

Jury!

( bleating )

I hope your affairs are in order, Mr. Carter.

What about Saturday and Sunday?

You seem to have run out of enemies, Loveless.

That's too bad.

Think so, huh?

Saturday's child is loving and giving.

Cyrus Barlow.

Who's the head man around here?

Blame me for taking you away from your toys, sir.

My what?

You spend your days collecting insects

and giving away millions.

Certainly a rich man's eccentric playthings.

I see.

And for committing these unpardonable crimes?

You will be tried by a jury of your peers.

Well, that's a fine-looking set of jurors.

You have any objection

to my pleading my own case before them?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I've been accused of being addicted

to collecting insects and giving away millions,

and, uh, it's true.

They're both habits that I can't seem to break.

Now, in collecting insects,

I've never made a single blessed enemy.

As to the matter of giving away my millions,

I've had nothing but trouble.

For instance,

you tell the jury,

what was it that I did

to offend you?

I appealed to you for financing

for my project to make all men equal in stature,

and you laughed.

I did.

At a plan to increase the height

of little men like you?

No.

A plan to shrink the height of big men like you.

And for turning down my project...

( bleating )

Of course.

Death is the only possible verdict.

And now,

last but certainly not least,

Sunday's child is bonny and brave.

Who would that be, Mr. West?

How many guesses do I have?

I'll give you a hint.

He's been a pebble in my shoe for as long as I can remember,

with an irritating capacity

for upsetting my most inspired plans.

( suspenseful theme playing )

A silver-winged fritillary.

Look at him.

In the shadow of death,

and he's still collecting butterflies.

( fast action theme playing )

Delilah,

now!

LOVELESS: There will surely be

another time, gentlemen.

Surely another time.

Another time.

Another time.

Another time.

"And the local police quickly rounded up

"the other members of the Loveless gang

who managed to escape, including Delilah."

You, uh, getting all this, Jim?

Oh, I haven't missed a word, Jerry.

With the exception of Dr. Loveless,

who made a surprise reappearance,

riding on an elephant with 42 dancing bears

and a chorus of swans singing "Old Dog Tray" a cappella.

Huh? ( laughs )

What?

( laughs )

You know, I've been thinking about poor old Artie,

subjected to the perils of Washington.

What do you say we have a drink in his honor?

I'll drink to that, Jim.

What do you say we pour one for Artie?

Why not?

For Artie.

To absent friends. Salute.

( glass slams )

( upbeat western theme playing )