Original subtitles

This season on

This season on "The Real Housewives

of Beverly Hills"...

- ♪ I'm the star of the show ♪

- Go, girl.

- Turn it off!

- ♪ That's right ♪

- Enjoying the fruits of Beverly Hills

is absolutely essential.

I'm just sticking my face in the caviar.

- I swear to God I'm sexually aroused right now.

- I told you! It's so much fun!

- You must have heels. You must have jewelry.

You must have a little dog. - Oh, my God, Lisa.

- And you mustn't have a baggy face.

There's no Botox. I need to get that fixed.

- Yay!

- Let's have our New York City moment.

[cheers and applause]

- Gorgeous!

- Give us all 5,000.

I won!

- Oh, my God, Tokyo.

All: Hi!

- It's a little slimy.

- Look at you. You're on the flipping building.

- I would love if you all would accompany me to Berlin.

[cheering]

- What's going on? - [grunts]

[cheering]

- Honey, this is my pack. There they go.

[barking]

- Watch your teeth.

- You people are crazy.

- I'm being an asshole.

- Some of these women make it very hard to just feel at ease.

- You are psycho.

- I'm not gonna back down when I know I'm right.

- You didn't like that it wasn't about you for a minute.

- Don't (BLEEP) with me like that. You don't want that.

You have to cut the head off the devil.

- I would never ever (BLEEP) you over

and I feel (BLEEP)ed over.

- This whole thing boils down to three bitches

that are competitive over friendship.

- I'm going home to my husband

who would rather spend time with me tonight than you would.

[engine revs]

[upbeat music]

- In this town, fame and money come and go,

but friends should not.

♪ ♪

- Some people call me cold.

But that's not ice... It's diamonds.

♪ ♪

- I believe in excess of everything,

except moderation.

♪ ♪

- Having the best isn't important to me,

but being my best is.

♪ ♪

- I don't have to buy it, 'cause I already own it.

♪ ♪

- The queen of diamonds

always has an ace up her sleeve.

♪ ♪

- ♪ I'm coming back stronger, oh, oh ♪

- Coming with me to work today, River?

- ♪ I'm coming back stronger, oh, oh ♪

♪ ♪

- Where the (BLEEP) is the sugar?

- Now, let me make you look sexy.

Come on, you need to look your best.

- I'm leaving!

- ♪ I'm coming back stronger, oh, oh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm coming back stronger, oh, oh ♪

- Call Harry Hamlin.

[phone chimes] - Calling...

[line beeps] Hamlin.

- ♪ Well, I'm coming back stronger ♪

[cell phone rings]

- Good morning. - How are you?

- You know, the uzh.

How was the studio last night?

You never called me after.

- Well, I have to tell you something.

They have created a ballad,

and I think you're really gonna like it.

It is titled "Missing Piece."

I say yes to everything.

So you want to write a book?

Let's write a (BLEEP)ing book.

You wanna do "Dancing with the Stars"?

Do "Dancing with the Stars" right here and now.

Let's make some more music, let's make it today.

Everything is today, nothing is tomorrow.

- I'll see you in a few hours.

- Okay. Sounds good. Talk to you later. Bye-bye.

You're given opportunity once in your lifetime.

So you really have to take this moment

and make the most of it.

[upbeat music]

Because this moment is fleeting.

This moment is incredible,

given to very few.

So I'm gonna maximize my mother(BLEEP)ing time.

[engine revs]

♪ ♪

Listen, I'm sorry I'm running late. I apologize.

I'm, like, kind of stuck in traffic.

- It's all good. Totally understand.

You drive careful. I'll see you when you get here.

It's all good.

- I would have never thought that at this time in my life,

in my mid-40s, that I would be where I am now.

Are you kidding me? I got parodied on "SNL."

I remember, like, I was like,

"Tom! Tom! Tom! Wake up! Wake up!"

He's like, "What? What?" You know, like, "What's going on?"

♪ Bentleys and Benzes through cash-colored lenses ♪

♪ Them dollars and cents, cha-ching! ♪

♪ It's expensive to be me ♪

♪ ♪

I mean, I was into it, you know.

Everybody else was excited. You know, Tom didn't care.

I mean, he's had a lot of moments like this in his life.

I've had none, so...

- The whole Pretty Mess Krewe is here.

Glam is setting up.

I got the team under control.

- You know, I'm here today

because of the support of my husband.

- You hit the jackpot.

- I did more than she did.

Erika, of all the stuff you've done,

this is the best.

It's very artistic and beautiful.

- I love him.

He's proud of the growth, for sure.

My business started at the kitchen table.

Now I have an office.

So Erika Jayne's life has exploded.

[upbeat music]

- Attitude. Beautiful.

- But now, like, the real challenge

is staying on schedule, making sure all these things happen.

- The demand for you live in person performing is there.

- You know, the show that we did at Pride was really good.

♪ Like Tyson ♪

♪ Everybody knows that ♪

♪ I'm a million dollar diamond ♪

♪ I'm reckless, offensive ♪

♪ I'll destroy your defenses ♪

- And the next step is to go to, you know,

small arenas and theaters.

- So all these great things are happening at one time.

All right, baby, thank you.

And I need more.

- I'll see you soon, babe. Love you.

- I'll see you soon. Bye-bye!

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ ♪

- You know what, you guys?

I think they could be coming through here.

- What are you doing?

- I'm looking for the rat.

- Thank God I'm moving.

- I think I'm with you now.

- Can we go sit down?

- All right, let's go sit in the kitchen.

I was already getting sick.

That's why I have a vitamin drip coming.

- Thank God. I love them. They make you feel so good.

- Aren't they great? Because we need it. We're busy.

- [coughs]

- You can't be sick for the travel.

We leave tomorrow morning at 6:45.

- I don't think I really want to go tomorrow.

- Oh, really? - It's just like,

I just got back from Europe like three days ago.

- You know, I need your help.

- Yeah, 'cause I'll be checking in to my hotel.

- Because here's the situation.

Amelia's 16 years old

and cannot check into a hotel herself.

The girls are now both modeling.

It was Delilah's dream and it was Amelia's dream

to both be signed by IMG.

We made Amelia wait until she was 16.

My rule was, you have to wait till you're 17,

but look what happens with the second child.

Like, it all flies out the window.

If the tables were turned,

would you want your older sister to come and be with you?

- I just like... am I a nanny?

- I'll pay you to do it, how about that?

- But I've been traveling so much,

I just want to chill for a second.

- I understand that, but do you know what I did at your age?

I was working at a sporting goods shop.

I'm a momager.

And I am working harder on their careers

than I ever have on mine, and you guys know I hustle.

Like, you know I work hard.

[intercom chimes]

Oh, will you... That's the vitamin guy.

[doorbell chimes] Coming.

So I am in charge of everything.

This is Delilah and Amelia.

- Hi, Delilah and Amelia.

- Let's go up and set up in the bedroom...

- Okay. - Where you did me last time.

So to try to manage everything and everybody

and, you know, God love Harry Hamlin,

but let's just face it. He's not doing sh...

- This will make me not sick anymore, right?

- It's like a water with all the different minerals,

vitamin B12, vitamin C.

It's gonna help you feel better 'cause we're hydrating you.

- Oh, my God. - You okay?

- No. - Aah.

- This won't hurt. This won't hurt.

- Ooh, my arm's cold.

- How does it feel?

- Going real slow.

- Your bag is going so fast.

- I go fast, honey. I suck that sh... up.

- [laughs] Like, this bag did not stand a chance.

- No way.

- Do you do cortisone shots on pimples?

- We do. - You do that, too?

- Yeah, we do everything. - Hey, Mom, don't move so much.

It's hurting me. - I'm sorry.

With the girls' newfound career and success,

I find that it's very important

to keep them grounded.

- I put a little bit of lidocaine to, like, numb it up.

- Yes! Get rid of my pimp.

- And what that means to me is,

they don't become so...

enamored by themselves.

- You guys are important people.

Got to make sure you're happy.

- Because everyone is telling them

how fabulous they are,

how gorgeous they are.

That can go to your head.

So you gotta pack after this.

We'll get our nails done.

- Can I hire someone to pack for me, though?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hello.

- Hey.

Both: How are you?

- I'm good. What's happening?

- What is that?

That is a very bad... - A new addition.

- And your husband's okay with it?

- I just say, "Oh, this old thing."

But it needs a chair because I don't want it to get ruined.

- Are you hiding it?

- I mean, I don't announce it. It just shows up.

- You've been working on the show.

You deserve it, right? - Exactly.

"American Woman" is inspired by my life

growing up with my mom in the '70s.

- I want you to know the truth,

because a liar is the worst thing you can be.

A stripper is also bad.

- It's definitely, you know, real life with fiction.

Amazing, right?

- Ready to order?

- I'm gonna have an arugula salad.

Can I add shrimp, please?

- Do you have chicken paillard?

- We have the chicken buzzo.

I can have them pound it really thin for you.

- Okay, that's great.

I wanted to actually plan a trip to Vegas

for Erika and Dorit's birthdays.

- Erika and Dorit together?

- Well, they... their birthdays are, like, days apart.

- And Rinna's. - That's right,

Rinna's, too. - All within a few days

of each other, yeah.

I'm not sure how Dorit is going to react

seeing Lisa Rinna in Vegas.

Rinna really... She went down and dirty.

She was rolling in the mud.

- Were people doing coke in your bathroom?

- Oh, come on.

- No.

- I mean, I hope Rinna's learned her lesson.

You can't just go around

slandering somebody's reputation.

- We invite them both. They're gonna have to just,

you know, get over it.

- Coming up...

- I've done renovations on our house...

- Oh, wow. - Here in Beverly Hills.

[screeches]

- We can't get the truck up, babe.

- We went well over our budget.

Oh, my God.

- Well, who else

- Well, who else would we invite?

- We'll invite Camille. - Camille.

- She's friends with them. Yeah.

A bouncer for the plane.

- I mean, if you tell Erika to pack her underwear,

then they'll be good.

- Did you see her on "Dancing with the Stars"?

I never got to go. I felt so bad.

- No, I didn't get to go.

I wanted to go, but you know what?

Whenever I text her, there's never anything

that comes back to me.

I don't know.

- All of my life I've been in situations

where one friend doesn't like another friend.

- Thank you.

- I felt put in the middle between Lisa Rinna,

Erika, and Dorit, and I try not to put myself

in that position with my friends anymore.

So I invite who I want to invite,

and whoever's not comfortable, they don't have to come.

- You gonna eat your lunch?

- I'm on a diet. I'm gonna be in Vegas in a bathing suit.

Do you mind? [laughs]

- Oh, trust me, my bathing suit days are over.

- Know what we could also do is go out dancing in Vegas.

Do you want to go dancing? Erika's got the moves.

- Scratch the puss, scratch the puss.

- It's not scratch the puss, it's pat the puss.

- I was gonna buy her some medication for that.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

- What are you doing?

- I'm making something, Mommy.

- Would that something be a poo-poo?

Are you making poo-poo?

- No. - Okay, good.

Jags, are you excited for your music class?

- Yes.

- Are you excited to meet some new friends?

- I don't know which friends and their names.

- We'll meet them for the first time together.

Jagger and I have always had

this extremely close connection.

I mean, I've always understood him.

Jagger, what would you like for lunch?

- Aah.

- Jagger, you can't have ice cream for lunch.

You ready, munchkin? - No.

- Are you sure? - No.

- Now, watching him speak, he gets to verbalize

exactly what's going on in his head.

Thank you, Juan.

Thank you, okay. - Thank you Juan.

- Oh. - I said it, too!

- You do, just like Mommy.

And he loves to be around other kids,

which is why I really felt like

I needed to get him into maybe some of these classes.

- Give me a high five.

- Hello!

- Hi, I'm Teddi.

- I'm Dorit. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Teddi. - Hi, buddy!

- Hi. - Look, my son's got the mic.

This is my husband. This is Edwin.

- Hi. I'm Dorit. Very nice to meet you.

- Good to meet you. - You, too.

- Likewise. - Cruz, come here real quick.

Can we go say hi to Jagger? - This is Slate.

- Hi, Slate.

- Say, what's up?

- So cool.

- Slate loves a little fashion, so...

- I know, she's really into fashion.

- I have a daughter 16 months old

already a massive fashionista.

- I'm like the total opposite. I grew up riding horses

and was a professional equestrian,

so I am the world's most awkward dresser.

So I will need help...

- Well, you're clearly not, my darling.

You're absolutely not.

Teddi and I have a mutual friend in common,

and I give a lot of credit to a woman

who's hosting a music class

for other moms that she's never even met.

- Come on over, everybody. Let's play some music together.

We're the BeatBuds. - Whoo!

- Let's sit down. Let's relax a little bit.

Okay, let's shake it.

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ ♪

- I definitely see a big change in Jagger's personality.

- [monkey sounds]

- Watching him speak and he's animated

and he's imaginative.

- ♪ Monkey ♪

- He's all around just a more confident,

fun, you know, excited child.

- Whoo!

- Very good, everyone.

Could everyone say good-bye to Mike the Monkey?

Okay, he's Magic Mike, the monkey.

- Well, fun for everyone then.

- Bye. - Bye, everybody.

- Come on, Mommy.

- Do you want a glass of champagne?

- If I'm not the only one.

- No, it's all... It's all of us, honey.

- Then definitely.

- Do you want any water or juice?

He's like, I want the trampoline.

- Oh, my gosh. I've gotta get him a trampoline.

- No, it's the... it's the... - Oh, my God!

This is another world for me.

We have spent the last... Wanna come out, Bubba?

We spent the last four and a half months

in Miami. - Wow!

- Yes. - Doing what?

- I've done renovations on our house...

- Oh, wow. - Here in Beverly Hills.

So I had to move out for, like, four months.

The last four months in Miami was a lot of family time.

I got to reconnect

and spend a lot of time with my kids,

and I watched them flourish into these little people.

- He's like, should I go or should I not?

- He'll go back and forth ten times.

And now that we're back in Beverly Hills,

I feel like I can connect with other moms

whilst our kids are playing together.

I want to meet moms that have kids.

- Honestly, the moms that I met out here...

Like, I lived out here since I was 17.

I was like, you know what? I miss riding horses.

It's what I grew up doing,

and so then I did that for, like, 15 years.

- Wow. - But I didn't know

any young moms. - Right.

- And so that's when I, like, started doing things like this.

- Oh, I love it. - Because it's just something

for the kids to look forward to.

- One of... just, you know, you mentioned

that you're really into horses, and one of my best friends,

her name is Lisa, she's really into horses.

She rides every morning. She's obsessed.

Her vacations are around where she can bring the horses.

- That's incredible.

- I know. It's so amazing.

- I'm like, wow.

- Pie in the sky.

- Pie in the sky. Go for it, Jaggy.

- Whoo! - Wow!

This is the best thing ever, Teddi.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, are you having problems with the Internet?

- I'm on the regular, not the 5G.

- What? - Are you 5?

[knock on door]

- Wait, hold on.

We have to get a doorbell or something.

Nobody can hear anybody. - Ding-dong.

- Aah! - Hi!

- How are you? - Good. How are you?

- Get on in here. I'm good. Nice to see you.

- Oh! I'm sorry. Nice to see you, too.

- Welcome to the new place.

- Oh, my God, this is amazing. - Isn't it fun?

- Wait, is this what you stand on?

- Yeah, you stand up there and you get tailored.

- I need to come over here to get dressed.

- You know, doctors go to their offices,

lawyers go to their offices, Erika Jayne goes to her office.

Throw your bag down. That's cool. That's pretty.

Is that new? - Maybe, this old thing?

[laughter]

Oh, my gosh, this is giving me

Beverly Hills Hotel vibes over here.

- You know I'm obsessed with banana leaves.

Let me show you the most important room in this place.

So you get in here... - This is amazing.

- Okay.

- Be prepared, don't get scared.

- One, two... - Two, three.

- Oh, my God!

- Don't worry, everybody freaks out.

- Thank God you're gorgeous. That's a lot of light.

- Let me tell you something, you can turn it off now.

- Wait.

- Because this is what this is for.

- We always say if you look good in this light...

[together] You look good anywhere.

- This is amazing. This is giving me ideas.

You know I'm redoing my whole house?

We're gonna be going to Croatia, so while we're there,

they're supposed to be putting our floors in.

Supposedly.

- I love the idea of the pool like this,

getting a nice, beautiful feature on the hardscape

over here. - Yeah.

- Let's go sit in our... In our other room.

- My husband wanted to buy a new house,

and being in real estate, he'll call me and he'll say,

"Honey, please come out and look at this house.

I love it. You've gotta see it."

And every time I go I say, no. I love my house more. Sorry.

Look at this, "Dancing with the Stars."

I feel so bad, the whole time I was either working

or then away. I'm sorry I never

got to come over there. - That's okay.

- I really wanted to come and see.

- It's okay. That was a great experience.

It was tough.

I felt like fish out of water, style-wise.

Like, all of a sudden, I had to unlearn everything

that I had learned and let someone else take control,

which is not something that I'm familiar with,

performing-wise. - Right.

- So it was very...

They want to have a "Dancing with the Stars" All-Stars?

Bitch, call me, 'cause I-I know your number now.

I got... I got... I got the playbook.

I'm ready. Call me.

- I was thinking... okay, you know your birthday

is one day before Lisa Rinna's.

- Yes. - And then Dorit is the 16th,

so I was thinking the other day,

maybe we could, if everyone was open to it,

do a fun girls' trip.

- Coming up...

- I'm in charge here, buddy.

One, two...

When people find out my dad's John Mellencamp...

I kind of thought everybody's dad was on the radio.

- So I was thinking

- So I was thinking the other day,

maybe we could, if everyone was open to it,

do a fun girls' trip.

♪ ♪

And I was thinking to get a plane

and go to Vegas.

- Get the (BLEEP) outta here! I hate you right now.

- If we were to get on a plane,

go dancing, stay at the Palazzo...

- Really? - Go to the stores

at the Venetian.

- You know, with these ladies at any minute,

the bottom could fall out.

So pack your own chute.

I mean, like... - Well...

- Let's address the elephant in the room.

- I know. - What's going on?

- I mean, listen, a lot of stuff happened.

- You're the only one in this group

that I haven't managed to somehow connect with.

- Because I don't like bullsh..., Dorit,

and that's what I think you are.

- Then why don't you just

(BLEEP) say it? - I just did.

- I just thought it would be fun.

I was like, well, I don't know if anyone would be open to it,

but if not, we could do something here instead, but...

- I want to go to Vegas. Yes!

- Yay! - Are you serious?

- Yes. I thought it would be fun.

- I won't... I won't act bad.

When we last left it, I said,

I would be willing to go slow and try again.

And I mean that.

If there is progress, it'll be a slow thing.

I'm not totally opposed,

but we need to start over.

Let's see what happens.

Yeah, I think we can... - All of you are the same sign,

the three of you. - I want to have fun with you.

- Crazy. - Cancer crazy.

- Cancer equals crazy.

[upbeat music]

- Let's see the race. Show Daddy how fast you go.

Ready.

- All right, let's go. I'm gonna run like a bear.

- Hold on. You wait till I say go.

I'm in charge here, buddy.

One, two, three!

- Come on.

- Winned. I winned!

- Powey. Powey.

- Where's the competitive spirit, Cruzy?

- I grew up in a town called Hilton Head in South Carolina.

Hilton Head Island is like, you can't get a house there

for under $1 million.

- I passed the line. - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

Growing up, I lived well,

but regardless how much money my family had,

I knew the value of a dollar, always.

- Daddy, can you jump in here?

- [gasps] - Hold on, Mama.

Well, don't you want your brother to come up?

- But he doesn't... he wants to play with Mommy.

- How I met my husband,

I could try to sugarcoat it a little,

but it was a one-night stand.

It was supposed to be a one-night stand.

I woke up with some guy, I thought his name was Edward.

His name is Edwin!

Can I have a kiss?

- Powey, do you want to jump with us?

- Are you ready to jump high, Powey?

- Aah! - Oh, golly.

- Powey, your butt crack's hanging out.

My dad is John Mellencamp.

He is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

It kind of makes me laugh when everybody's like,

oh, do you have a favorite song that your dad sings?

I mean, let's keep it in perspective.

In the '80s, like, my nine-year-old friends,

we didn't give a (BLEEP).

We cared about My Little Pony,

Care Bears.

You wanna come out? [grunts]

I kinda thought everybody's dad was on the radio.

- You just gonna leave me here?

- You can come. - I can come?

- Slate, we gotta get ready for school.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Ready, Pow? Do you want a snack?

You want one snacky?

Can you say please? Cruz?

Say please. - [murmuring]

- Yeah, don't eat that, Celeste. I know you want it.

Cruz, you have swimming today.

[groans]

Just because I grew up with a father

that was considered "famous,"

he didn't live like that. He didn't act that way.

Thanks so much, Celeste. Edwin will just pick him up,

and if you can come back in the afternoon.

Nothing was just handed to me on a silver platter,

and I want my kids to know the same,

'cause then you don't appreciate thing.

You think you deserve them.

- Love you.

- Bye, honey.

I love you.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[screeching]

- Keep going.

[screeches]

- Oh, my God.

- We can't get the truck up, babe.

- They have to just bring the boxes, baby.

- Yeah, it looks like it. - I hope you've got

good tipping money, 'cause these boys are gonna be

working really hard. - I'll get some tipping money,

yeah, if they're still alive

after they've done it. - Oh, my God!

We definitely had a budget for our renovations

for the house.

PK usually deals with that.

But I can say without a shadow of doubt

that we went well over our budget, I'm sure.

I thought it'd be a great opportunity

to do like an indoor/outdoor space.

The outside, we had put teak wood

in both the backdrop and also the floor.

I felt that the kitchen really needed

a good face-lift.

I'm gonna go start setting up the makeup and everything.

Thanks, guys.

And of course, the master closet

is basically always too small.

This new master closet was custom made

and everything was brought in from Italy.

It's fit for a princess.

- Boy, it's warm in here.

- It's probably 'cause we had the doors open, Bubba.

I've got a big week this week, Bubba.

- You were gonna go to Vegas with Rinna?

- [groans]

- With Erika? - Yep.

- I know that, like, you and Erika have had issues

and Lisa Rinna and all that, but I feel like, you know,

it's been a while.

Maybe it's time to like just go and have the best time.

- All right, listen.

- You think I should be worried?

- Last time I saw Erika,

she was really horrible to me.

You know, I've listened to Rinna call me a pervert

and staring up the dresses all the time.

- Hey, I'm a whore, so you know what?

How do you think I feel? - What I'm saying...

- I'm not worried about your feelings!

- Rinna was just a joke, horrible.

- Lisa Rinna deliberately came after me,

and she did it to defame my character

and to hurt me.

Are you suggesting that I got up from the dinner table...

- No. No. - And went to do drugs?

I've got two little babies, but they have...

They live in a coke den.

Kyle thinks that we can all be together

celebrating our birthdays harmoniously.

- I'm gonna keep my opinions to myself.

- Coming up...

How do you feel about Erika now?

Well, I'll... I might pray with you actually.

- [gasps] Ooh. - I know.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Can I get you something to drink to start?

- I'll just have an ice water for now.

- Ice water. Okay, you got it.

♪ ♪

- Thanks, Juan.

- Hi. Are you joining us for dinner?

- I am, a drink anyway. - Perfect.

- I'll be back if you need anything, okay?

- Okay, great. Thank you.

- Hi, Teddi! - Hey, babe.

- Hi! - How are you?

- I really want Teddi to meet Lisa V.

I think that they would get on really well.

She's great fun. She's got a great sense of humor.

And obviously, the fact that they both love horses

is definitely a reason for them to meet.

- Lisa! - Hello.

- Hi, gorgeous. - Hi, darling.

- I want you to meet...

Teddi. - Hi.

- This is Lisa. - Nice to meet you.

- I so love the name Teddi, I can't even tell you.

- Actually, my name was pretty country at...

It was Teddi Jo.

- Teddi Jo? - Teddi Jo!

- I've got one of those names, nobody says it right ever.

- But they're called you a lot worse.

- Oh, yeah, haven't they?

- So where are you from?

- Hilton Head, South Carolina.

- Oh, how long have you lived here?

- I don't know, 20 years.

- And you're married.

Can I ask all the questions or not?

- Oh, yeah, you can ask all the questions.

- Feel free to ask me questions.

One thing about me is if you don't have a sense of humor

we won't be friends. - That I'm good with.

I would describe my sense of humor as dry.

Sometimes people don't know if I'm joking or not

but, like, you'll see a glimmer in my eye

and you'll know it's a joke

and if it took you an extra minute, it's okay.

She mentioned that you were into horses.

- I knew you would connect.

- I've just gotten off mine...

- What? - Like two hours ago.

I love him. I mean, I...

He's not just... I don't just ride him.

He's my pet, you know?

- Right. - Do you guys want

anything to eat?

- I think we just need tuna tostada...

- Oh, that's a good choice. - Just to have

a little something. Thank you.

- Absolutely. Thanks, ladies. - Kyle and I have decided

we're, like, doing a trip in Vegas.

It's Dorit's birthday and then Erika's birthday,

who you don't know, and then Lisa Rinna's birthday.

And so it's everyone's birthday.

Well, I'll... I might pray with you actually.

- Oh. - [gasps] Ooh.

- I know. - I had a little moment

with her. - Little moment?

- You know, I don't want to... I like her.

I want her to stay around.

I don't want to, like, scare her right off the bat.

- On your... something you did or something they did?

- Well...

there's two different scenarios. - Okay.

- So there's Erika and then there's Lisa Rinna,

and they're two separate instances.

- How do you feel about Erika now?

- I haven't had any communication with her.

So I don't really know, you know.

I think it's a matter of when we see each other.

Erika and I didn't leave off on the greatest foot,

and she went after my husband,

which doesn't fly well with me.

If I'm not harboring resentment,

then I am very precautious.

I'm a little bit worried,

because I don't want to spend three days

with somebody that treated me as cold as she treated me.

So it's gonna depend on

what attitude she brings.

I thought Erika and I were gonna be fast friends

because I just thought we had a lot of things in common,

and she was never very warm to me.

- You know, she's not that warm to me either, Dorit.

I've reached out so many times, trust me.

- I feel like I'm prepared to

kind of like move past it.

We all do have a laugh together.

- So then go have a laugh. Take all the rest of the stuff

and throw it away. - Exactly.

- I guess that's how I feel, which is the reason why

I agreed to go on this trip, because I want...

- So when's your birthday?

- So my birthday's next week.

- Mine's tomorrow. - Tomorrow?

- Yeah. - Your birthday's tomorrow?

- Yes. - Your birthday's tomorrow?

- Yes. - What are you doing tomorrow?

- Will you come to Vegas? - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I have not been to Vegas in a long time.

- If you would like to join us...

- Oh, my God. - No, but I'm serious.

If you're brave enough after what you've heard.

- Only the strongest survive.

- Will you come?

- What's your husband gonna say?

Will he let you go?

- I think he'll probably let me go.

- Yay! - Yeah?

- [squeals]

[upbeat dance music]

- Portia.

Too flashy or good for Vegas?

Do you like this, this bag?

Okay. Well, think about it and get back to me.

- Okay, so all the shoes will go on this side.

- What are we gonna put in here?

- That's where all the clothes go.

- Where does this go?

- You wanna go in there? - No!

- Let me see if I can fit.

- Ah, bummer.

If you did, you could've come with me.

- Oh.

♪ ♪

- All right, so what are we wearing?

- So I was thinking this whole Gucci...

- Oh, yay! I've been waiting to wear that.

- This Gucci ensemble.

White pumps fo sheezy.

Obviously, we're bringing Preston and Clyde with us,

because, you know, glam always comes first.

- You know, what can I say?

I mean, I don't know. I like clothes.

- This could be fun for the plane maybe, right?

- Yeah, I would plane moment this.

- Plane moment.

- There's the closet, the overflow closet,

the clubhouse closet.

Pretty soon, I'm gonna need an aircraft hangar.

- Maybe with those Versace shoes.

- Cary Grant had one.

- We're always trying to figure out this Moschino moment.

- No, we have it figured out.

We just don't have the right place.

- Right. - This is not the place.

- Not the place, okay. - No.

- We'll save her.

She's a Pretty Mess Krewe after-party moment.

- She's not... - She's not... not these girls.

- No, no, not for these women.

- Coming up...

- Poor ol' Teddi got kind of thrown in at the last minute.

- I know.

♪ ♪

- Hey, how are you?

- [inhales deeply, exhales sharply]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I hope you haven't kind of ordered the "Spruce Goose."

- What do you mean, the "Spruce Goose"?

- An old plane.

- Do you think I'm gonna do that?

I'm the one who's the nervous Nelly.

- Hello, my girls! - Oh, my God.

- Hi.

- Oh, wow.

- You look stunning. - So do you.

How cool are those? Stella?

- These are Prada.

What's happening? You look gorgeous.

- Thanks. I just flew in from Hawaii

and I'm absolutely exhausted.

- Hello! - Hello, my dear.

- Hey, gorgeous!

- Your hair changes minute by minute.

- I like it like this. - Of course it does.

- I have no idea what Dorit's real hair looks like.

I mean, for all I know, she could be bald.

- She's going for the freshly shagged look.

- Yes. - I love it.

- Freshly shagged, hopefully.

- She's got curly hair, she's got straight hair,

she's got bangs, she's got no bangs.

Did you always have bangs?

It reminds me of this doll I had when I was little.

You could, like, crank the hair out

and, like, wear it long and chop it off

and pull it out again.

- Hi, Teddi!

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.

- This is Camille. - Hi.

- Teddi. both: Nice to meet you.

- Teddi and I have children the same age.

- Poor ol' Teddi got kind of thrown in at the last minute.

- I know. - I know.

It got a little bit in through the side.

- Hi, Erika.

- Hey, how are you? Cute hair.

- Thank you. - How are you?

Nice to see you. - Good to see you.

- Thank you. - How are you?

- Hey, gorgeous. Look at you.

Nice to see you.

- [inhales deeply, exhales sharply]

Okay, deep breaths.

- This is Teddi.

- Hi. Erika. Nice to meet you.

Let's have fun. I don't want to fight with anybody.

I don't want to upset anyone.

Fresh beginnings. Happy birthday. Yay.

- Where's Rinna? Isn't it her birthday?

Is she coming? - It is.

She said she's gonna let me know.

- Okay. - She's in New York.

- She's in New York with her girls on some modeling job.

- A shoot. - And she said

I'm gonna try to get there. - Okay, good.

- I invited Eileen, but she couldn't come

because she's shooting, I guess, so...

We're gonna have so much fun!

Lisa Rinna is fun

and she doesn't take things too seriously,

and it would feel weird not to include her.

And I do want her to come.

I don't want there to be an issue

between her and Dorit.

- [laughs]

All right, then.

- I mean, who wants to fight on their birthday in Las Vegas?

Hopefully nobody.

- What's the temperature? - Light winds and 75 degrees...

- Chanel. - And Chanel.

[laughter]

- Lisa's like... - I know.

- Teddi doesn't like to shop, guys.

[playful music]

- I know. I think I'm the odd man out with that one.

- How about carrying bags? - Only your bags.

[laughter]

- I find that I buy the most sh... when I've had a cocktail.

A little bit of buzzed shopping,

and everything all of a sudden looks real good.

Hey, that's pretty.

Could I take a peek at that?

The price on this ring, please, ma'am.

- 1680.

- I do make some tipsy purchases.

One time I bought Mikey and I

twin Chanel bags.

We still use them.

[cell phone rings]

- Ooh, Lisa Rinna.

Hello.

- Kyle.

- Yes. - How are you?

- I'm good. I'm actually sitting here in the airport.

- Guess what, I figured it out.

I got the girls covered. I'm getting on a flight

and I'm gonna be able to meet you guys in Vegas tonight.

- All right. - Whoo!

- We're gonna be heading to the plane...

- Yay! - And taking off here

in a little bit. - Yay!

- So we'll be seeing you there.

- It would definitely be a better trip for me

if Lisa Rinna wasn't going,

because I do have unresolved feelings with her.

- Okay, we'll see you there. Both: Bye.

- But Lisa, Kyle, and I have such a laugh together.

I mean, when we get together, it's guaranteed

we're gonna have such a great time.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

- Hi, welcome. I'm Pat. I'll be your flight attendant.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

♪ ♪

- You can hold my foot. Here, let's do this.

- Oh.

- This is how we take off when we don't have our husbands.

Happy birthday, girls!

- Happy birthday!

Whoo!

- Nice to meet you. Happy birthday.

- Thank you. - Happy birthday.

- Good to see you, Camille. - Good to see you, too.

[clattering]

- What is that sound?

- No... - No, it works.

- That's what you fly like every week?

[clattering]

Yay!

- I love life! [laughs]

I'm so thankful for everything.

I don't like turbulence.

(BLEEP)ing hell. Oh, my God. - Are you crazy?

- Holy (BLEEP)ing sh...

- Pull yourself together.

- Do people enjoy that?

Do people go, "Oh, my gosh! This is so much fun!"

We're, like, flopping around in the air

and a wing feels like it could snap off.

I'm usually good, right?

- You're usually good. - I don't like that part.

Lisa, you bitch. That's my bag.

Are you kidding me? - Oh!

What are you doing?

- You just dumped that all in my new Birkin bag, you asshole.

- I didn't go anywhere near you.

Oh, my God, this is absolutely ridiculous.

I mean, this bag only costs about $14,000.

[laughs]

- Why do you have an electric toothbrush?

[laughter]

- I have a whole glass in here.

- I think she should buy you a new one.

I think that it's my birthday

and Lisa Vanderpump should buy us all Birkin bags.

- It's the new Vanderpump Chardonnay.

- I love that.

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

Okay, baby, we're here.

- Vegas, baby!

♪ ♪

- Hello, how are you? - Hi.

- Hi, how are you?

- Welcome to the Palazzo, ladies.

- Thank you. Happy to be here.

- Oh, my God.

- We'll head right over into our VIP lounge,

get you all checked in, and then we have

one of our beautiful presidential suites

ready for you for the weekend.

- I knew these two took the presidential suite.

- [laughs] - So typical.

- [laughs]

- Throw us in a (BLEEP)ing broom closet.

- Well, it was available.

- Right.

- Hi, ladies. - Hello, how are you, Alex?

- Welcome to the Palazzo. - Nice to meet you. Kyle.

- Great to have you.

- Oh, thank you. It's gorgeous.

- Wow, this is posh.

- I'm going to my room. I'm gonna set my stuff down.

- Look at the view. - Oh, lovely.

- Lisa Vanderpump always wants the best room,

but she's not gonna get it.

I've got my room!

- Kyle.

- Already taken.

I mean, she just destroyed my brand-new Birkin on the plane.

It's only fair that I get the better room.

- Is that what you did, you sneaky cow?

You just ran around to choose the best bedroom.

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- Wow! It's beautiful.

You know what? I don't have any cash.

- It's okay. - But I promise...

I promise I'm gonna try to find you later.

- All right. Enjoy.

- Thank you.

- Lisa!

What are you girls wearing tonight?

Well... I want to show you some options,

because I'm trying to figure out what we'll wear tonight

versus tomorrow night. - Okay.

So what's the game plan?

- I booked a reservation at Chica,

and then we are going to Tao after, the nightclub.

- Oh, my God, I forgot, Lisa Rinna's coming.

- Lisa Rinna is coming. - Is everybody good

with Lisa now? I haven't see her in a while.

- You know, for me, I just try to keep it totally separate.

- Mm-hmm. - Like, you know,

my sister and Lisa and... I have to.

What else am I gonna do?

I bumped into Harry on a hike,

'cause we hike in the same area.

So I was like, "Hi!" and he was like...

And I thought, well, that's kind of weird.

And he says to me, "So what are we gonna do about your sister?

She obviously cannot be around this group ever, ever again."

And he was clearly really upset about it.

- Coming up...

- Hello, everyone.

- Oh! - Hello!

- Lisa.

- I bumped into Harry

- I bumped into Harry on a hike,

'cause we hike in the same area.

So I was like, "Hi!" and he was like...

And I thought, well, that's kind of weird.

And he says to me, "So what are we gonna do about your sister?

She obviously cannot be around this group ever, ever again."

- This is for your grandchild.

- Oh, thank you.

I brought the bunny

'cause it didn't feel like it had good energy.

[dramatic music]

- And he was clearly really upset about it.

So it was just weird.

- So you've never discussed it with anybody?

- No.

I can think of so many things that I would rather do

than talk to Lisa Rinna about Harry Hamlin.

Pap smear. Root canal.

Enema.

- I'm okay with her, but I don't know that...

- Mm-hmm. - Dorit can be.

- Yeah, that would be a hard one.

- It's a recipe for disaster.

[upbeat music]

- Girls, I have two options.

One is really tight and really short.

- Okay. - Mm-hmm.

- And the other one is extremely tight

and extremely short. Which dress do I go with?

- Definitely go with the short, tight one.

[laughter]

- I think we're going to a club tonight.

- Sounds good. Yeah. Stand up straight.

Thank you. - Oh, Justine!

My hair and makeup stylists travel with me

wherever I go

to give me this.

[laughs]

I can't live without 'em!

[upbeat music]

- Louboutins? - No.

- Versace. - Versace.

- Very important question number two.

Cartier or are we giving a banjee girl effect?

- Do that. - Yeah.

- Are we gonna plump with a spice lip liner?

- Yep. - No polite lips.

- No.

- A polite lip is very basic

and nothing that says, ooh, I want to kiss you,

or let me stick it in there.

It's just kind of like, eh, eh, whatever.

No one wants a polite anything.

- No. Never.

Always DSLs.

- Always.

- DSL is an overdrawn, over-wet

dick sucking lip.

I always like my mouth to be overdrawn.

DSL, you know? Who doesn't like a big mouth?

[upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

- You look fantastic. Very Vegas, right?

- Oh, you look gorgeous.

- Wow! - Oh, wow!

Amazing. - You look gorgeous.

- Thank you. - You look gorgeous, too.

- Very Vegas appropriate. [doorbell rings]

- You look beautiful. - Thank you.

- Shall we have a drink then?

- Yes.

- Oh! - Oh!

You look gorgeous.

- Hello, girls.

- Hello, darling. - Come on in.

- Oh, you look stunning.

- Why are the hostesses in a fabulous presidential suite?

I thought we were the birthday girls.

- Vodka club soda coming right up.

- Honey, I don't think I can drink a vodka club soda

in a champagne glass, though.

- Don't worry, I have you covered.

- How do I... [laughs]

- You're gonna be drinking that when Lisa Rinna gets here.

- Where's your butler, Kyle?

- I don't know. [laughter]

[doorbell rings] - You are definitely not

the hostess with the mostest, Kyle.

- [laughs]

[doorbell rings] - Oh.

- Hello. Wow! - Hi.

Both: Look at you.

- Yeah, look at you, sexy mama.

When you look at Teddi,

I would actually like to see Teddi naked.

I mean, that sounds bizarre,

but from what I see of her,

it's like this tight, fit little thing.

I think she looks absolutely fabulous.

[doorbell rings]

- Who is this?

- Hey! Hi! - Hello!

- Everybody's looking so sexy and...

- Wow! Hello, everyone.

- Hello! - Hello!

- Lisa!

- [scoffs] God!

- Hello.

- Hello, Lisa Rinna.

- Next time on "The Real Housewives

of Beverly Hills"...

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

- Yay!

[all exclaiming]

- It's an ice dildo. Can I use it on you?

- Just stop it! Whoo!

[laughs and screams]

- I won! - Oh, my God!

- Aah!

- How was it growing up with your dad?

- Well, I don't know him.

- Oh. - Wow.

- All right, well...

- I'm being an asshole.

- Erika comes off to me like a cool girl,

you know, like I'm too cool for anything.

- Your words are so low

that they can really affect people's lives.

- Listen, Dorit, I would like you

to see me for who I really am.

[dramatic music]

- To learn more about the housewives,

go to bravotv.com.