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More tea anybody?

No thanks.

No time.

Not there.

Oh.

Can't stand the papers being

mucked about with, you know that.

All right, dear.

I'm ready.

Jo!

What?

Look, look what you've done.

Well I'm sorry, I wasn't concentrating.

Exactly, exactly.

That's your trouble, your entire trouble.

You never concentrate, and look what happens,

nasty, soggy paper, and I haven't even read it.

I'm sorry.

That's not the point.

You can buy another one, dear.

That's not the point either, the point is...

We shall we late if we don't get a move on.

Can you imagine miss Jones behaving like that?

Goodbye.

Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye.

You must learn to concentrate, Jo.

You'll never get anywhere,

never achieve anything if you don't.

Take miss Jones.

Barely out of her teens, and the most

efficient secretary a man ever had.

Jo, do I nag you?

A little.

I don't mean to.

I know.

I don't mind.

Let me explain, it's just that,

well I give a lot of myself to my work,

and that makes me a little short tempered at home sometimes.

I understand.

Good.

You see, when I ask you to be more tidy,

and so forth, like miss Jones,

it's just because a sense of responsibility

is the foundation for success and happiness.

But daddy, I do try, believe me.

That's my girl.

That sounds more like miss Jones.

I don't know if I can ever match up

to Millicent Jones, daddy.

But I think you might be proud of me

just the same, and quite soon, but be patient with me.

Glorious.

Glorious.

Oh why don't more people walk to work?

My circulation races at the thought.

Bye dear!

Bye!

Morning beryl.

The bus is full up, he says,

full up, he says, standing there

as large as life, and twice as ugly,

standing right there on the platform

saying "full up, full up".

Not the conductor, mind you, the inspector.

Full up, I says, when, I says.

If you get sofas, there'll be room for me, won't there?

You should have seen his gob,

but alls he got, what I should smile.

Never let nobody get away with nothing, that's me.

Hitler, I called after him, Hitler,

jumped up little squirt.

Full up, and do what.

I should smile.

Here, give me them dishes Mrs. halliday.

I shall be out all morning, beryl, but back for lunch.

I gave him full up!

Thank you, good morning.

Good morning.

Morning. - Morning.

Good morning, sir.

- Good morning. - Morning.

Good morning Mr. halliday.

Good morning miss Jones.

Get me Hong Kong.

Mr. halliday's office.

Hong Kong, I booked the call as soon as I opened the mail.

Hello?

Tape this.

Good morning Dr. manners.

Morning miss worth.

Only three out there.

Oh good, nice day for golf.

It's disgraceful.

I beg your pardon.

Oh nothing, I meant, you should have many more patients.

Can I help it if this is a healthy district?

I didn't mean.

Are you ready for them?

Oh yes, wheel them in.

Good morning.

Now Mrs. tomlinson, oh yes, very chic, very chic.

Oh Mrs. Brent, good morning,

bright and early as usual.

Miss Josephine!

Just a moment, Maurice,

aren't you going to do my hair?

But of course, it's just I want

Josephine to put a comb through your hair for me.

Oh I'd much rather she didn't,

you know these apprentices.

Yes Mr. Maurice?

Josephine, I want you to do a little job for me.

Oh yes, this way madame.

No, no child.

Sort out all those various curlers for me,

long and curlies, short and curlies.

Come on Mrs. Brent.

Hello LAN.

Hello.

Oh don't go down the high street, Jo might see us.

Righto, hop in.

Too far, too, too, too.

Now back again, back.

Right, disengage.

Get into neutral.

Oh!

You must always get into neutral

when the car's stationary.

I see.

I have told you that before, jan,

it should be instinctive by now.

Well LAN, I've only had 15 lessons,

you can't expect me to have learned everything yet.

No, of course not.

And I do think I'm doing awfully well, don't you?

Oh, awfully.

Shall we start again?

By the way...

Jan, we're in the middle of the road.

Oh well that doesn't matter,

it's a very quiet street.

Tell me, how's the pub going?

Ah, it's gone, I haven't bought it.

Anything else in view?

No, not yet, but my gratuity's still in tact, I can wait.

Something will turn up.

I certainly hope so.

I know how you're longing to get down to a job of work.

Well I've got one, haven't I?

Teaching you to drive.

Ah.

That won't last forever.

Shall we crash on then?

Won't Edward be surprised when I pass the test first time?

He won't be the only one.

Jo, Gladys, lovely surprise for everybody.

Look, we can't go on hogging the middle

of the high way like this.

Start her up.

Put your hand out!

You must put your hand out when you intend to start.

But that's silly, surely everyone knows

I tend to start when they hear the engine going.

That's not enough, they'll fail you

straight away if you don't put your hand out.

Aw.

Oh all right.

Red tape.

Less acceleration, less.

Get into second, get into second.

Watch your steering, watch it, watch it.

Watch it.

Keep calm, it's the essence

of a good driver is to keep calm!

Oh really, that's the sort of silly idiot

that causes accidents.

Drive on your left.

Get over to your left.

Left!

Get off the pavement.

Get off.

There's nobody on it.

That's not the point.

Get off the flipping pavement!

Less acceleration, less.

Take your foot off.

Get into second, get into second.

Watch your step.

Into second!

I know.

Watch your steering!

Stop!

Stop, stop.

Cor blimey, duck, quick!

Stop, stop!

I've only just got going.

You missed it, get it on the way back.

Quick, quick, no!

Imagine Edward not wanting to teach me to drive.

He actually said that I'd never make

a driver in a thousand years.

I'll show him.

Look out, look out.

I didn't mean that we'd get him on the way back.

Here she comes again!

In the Van!

Brake, brake, brake, brake, brake!

I do wish Jo would go out more.

Many is the mother who wishes

her daughter would stay in more.

It's not natural in a girl of her age

to go up to her room night after night

and read 'til all hours.

Don't worry about Jo, she's all right.

That's a strange comment for you, dear.

Jo and I had a little talk in the car this morning.

I understand her now.

Oh, do you?

It's my belief she's not

just reading up there, she's studying.

She's not very tidy, I imagine I'll still

have to pull her up for that, but she's ambitious.

Mark my words, she's spending her evenings

working for a diploma or something in hair dressing.

Trichology.

Hey?

Trichology, the science of hair.

That is nice.

A lot of nonsense, of course.

The way to healthy hair is the same

as the way to healthy anything else,

the right diet and correct exercise.

All these preparation...

Shh, program's coming through.

Television is very bad for the eyes.

Why Jo, what are you doing up so early?

Laying the table.

Edward dear, Jo's laying the table,

isn't that marvellous?

I must admit, your going on at her

has achieved something after all,

though I still think we could have

done without quite so much of miss Jones.

Yes, yes, dear, very gratifying, good.

Excuse me!

I'd like to beat your sister to the bathroom.

Morning!

Fancy not knowing about it yesterday though,

when it was published, but there you are,

those most affected are always last to find out.

Well how's that for a surprise, mommy?

Book of the month, no less.

Yes that's right, old Gladys,

I was writing all those evenings in my room.

What did you say, daddy?

I said my girl that nothing irritates me more

than people interfering with the newspapers

before I've read them.

Heavens above, it's not much to ask,

but only one woman in a million

seems able to leave a newspaper as she finds it.

Millicent Jones, for example.

Yes, miss Jones.

You should see, you should just see her

put documents on my desk, neat Jo, precise,

orderly in everything she does.

Damn miss Jones!

Jo, eat your breakfast.

Damn my breakfast, I'm fed up!

This should be the happiest day of my life and, oh.

Happiest day of her life?

What did she mean by that?

Well she did lay the table, she did try to please you,

and all you can do is mumble into your breakfast

about that retched newspaper,

and then fling miss Jones in her face.

Bad thing, dashing off

like that on an empty stomach.

She's completely disrupted her calories

intake for the day, you know.

What must her parents think?

That's what I'd like to know.

The minute I read about it in the paper,

I knew it's them.

Their story, so that's the way they live.

Oh I can't wait to get my hands on it.

Who would have thought it?

Such respectable people.

Still waters run deep.

She couldn't have made it all up.

There's no smoke without fire.

Quiet little assistant hair dresser.

Just goes to show.

Good morning miss Jones.

Well?

The mail, the mail.

Where are you going, miss Jones?

What's the matter?

Are you ill?

No, no, no, no.

Then why aren't my letters open and classified?

Well I, oh dear.

This is not like you at all, miss Jones.

What, why don't you look at me?

Oh Mr. halliday.

I can't shout at you half way across the office.

Come here!

Oh!

Mr. appleton, well, so that's it.

Nothing to be scared of our managing director, miss Jones,

but why didn't you tell me that Mr. appleton

was calling on me, hey?

I didn't know.

Didn't know?

Nonsense, surely there was a message.

Your secretary's quite right, halliday.

This is rather in the nature of a surprise visit.

I'm most honoured, sir.

You may go, miss Jones.

My stock must be rising, Mr. appleton.

You usually send for me.

Circumstances alter cases, halliday.

Certainly, Mr. appleton.

And what are the circumstances

that bring you to my office, sir?

I want to see the quarterly account statements.

The quarterly, of course, of course,

but they're not really due for another three weeks.

I realise that.

I mean, they're not complete yet,

still out with the clerks.

Of course, they'll be on your desk

on time as usual, but right now

I haven't yet had time to get to work on them myself.

I particularly want to see them before you

get to work on them, halliday.

Checking up on me, hey?

Yes.

Oh, that's her!

That's the aunt.

Oh, morning miss worth.

Morning Dr. manners.

Let's Polish them off quick, hey?

I think I might get some golf in.

Golf?

Are you all right?

Doctor, haven't you looked?

There's hundreds of people to see youl!

Don't be so absurd, miss worth.

You know as well as I do, I have the smallest

practise round here.

There can't be hundreds.

There is, there are I mean!

Look!

There must be an epidemic.

Nonsense, even if there is,

why aren't they all going to their own doctors?

Why pick on me?

Because you're the best doctor in this district.

It's taken them years to realise it,

but now they do, now they need you.

Come come, miss worth.

You can't be sure.

I was not to be quite sure,

I was but to kill or cure.

That might have been phrased more happily,

but you know, you may be right.

To think, after all these years,

they actually need me, in their hundreds.

Oh doctor.

Mark you, I'd just as soon jog along as usual,

and get some golf in, but if they really need me.

Wheel 'em in, miss worth.

Wheel 'em in.

Oh doctor.

Who's first, please?

Ladies!

Oh dear.

Can't all go in at once.

You're perfectly fit, Mrs. Moore.

Get dressed now.

Doctor.

I came to you because I understand

you're very sympathetic.

Well that's very nice to hear.

Get dressed now, Mrs. Moore.

Doctor.

Doctor I'm so frustrated.

Well I've examined you thoroughly and I...

And it was wonderful, oh bliss.

Your strong, gentle hands.

Mrs. Moore.

I stand 'em straight and watch you drive by.

I see you on the hedge of the golf course.

I sway in rhythm to the sway of your body.

I dream about you, doctor, doctor.

Now please, Mrs. Moore, help.

Help, help.

Mrs. Moore, Mrs. Moore, please.

Heavens above.

No, no.

Now I'll make an appointment for you

with the marriage guidance clinic.

Doctor!

Miss worth, thank goodness.

Mrs. Moore!

Mrs. Moore, never, never,

never since I've been qualified

have I had such an experience.

That's not what it says in the book.

Doctor.

I was tidying the waiting room, I found this.

"Naked revolt", Josephine halliday.

"Suburbia caught with its pants down.

"Sex mad doctor from whom no young woman patient is safe."

Your niece, that nice girl, wrote this?

"Naked revolt".

That's why all those people came to see you,

literally just to see you, and me.

Good lord, didn't you know she'd written this book?

Much less that it was about us, all of us.

Well, you're a cool one, I must say.

14 and 7, 18 and £8, 22 and tuppence.

Paid me.

Good.

Cool, why shouldn't I be cool?

Well, standing there as if it were an ordinary day.

Ian, you don't mean you're going

to let me try and reverse.

Ah, come on, you can unbend to an old friend.

Confess how proud you are.

Proud?

What about?

Well.

"Naked revolt" by Josephine halliday.

Well I don't, oh I see!

You surely don't think that's our Jo, well what an idea.

I can hardly get her to write thank you letters

for her birthday presents.

Jo write a book?

Why LAN, imagine you of all people

jumping to such a conclusion,

just because it's the same name.

Janet, I read the, you mean you.

Oh lord, oh lord.

Ian, what are you burbling about?

Excuse me, I wonder if you could help.

Janet please, dear.

Hello?

Who?

Pinewood what?

Story department?

You've got the wrong number.

Hey?

What?

Buy the book?

What book?

Listen, if you wanna buy a book,

you go to a ruddy bookshop.

What do you mean, ringing me up here?

Barmy are you, or you're having me on?

Clear off.

Every minute of the day, I'm sick to death

of these ruddy callers.

We don't buy nothing at the door.

I'm not selling anything.

Are you Mrs. halliday?

She ain't in.

I'm the daily worker.

What do you want?

I'd like to see miss halliday please.

Why?

Would you please tell her Robert Hughes is here.

Now you look here, I don't know you,

don't know nothing about you,

don't like the look of you neither,

and just suppose I told you, hey?

And just suppose you found and findangled your way

into her trust and ruined her young life, hey?

I should smile, not so likely, what?

Excuse me, I'm sorry to have troubled you.

Take more than you to trouble me, lad.

Hello.

Who?

News of the what?

No she ain't.

Yes, I am.

Naked, how dare you?

Sterilisation?

I am listening.

Oh, serialisation.

Now listen you, I'm fed up with these here salacious calls.

Yes you have.

It's the same voice each time, I know, I can tell.

Well now next time I shall complain to the police,

so you can clear off this line and stay off.

Naked.

I'll give him naked.

Maurice, I insist, and after all,

I'm a very old customer.

But Mrs. Brent, dear, Josephine is just a trainee.

I don't care, I want her.

And only yesterday you wouldn't

allow her to comb your hair.

Maurice, I'll be frank with you,

I don't want her to do my hair,

but I must talk to her alone.

That book.

Ah, the book.

I sympathise, but after all, these are her working hours.

Oh please, Maurice.

Let her do something simple on me

or nothing, I don't mind.

Charge me for her time or for a perm,

whatever you like.

Well, if you insist.

This way.

Dear Mrs. Brent.

But Maurice, can't I see her now?

All these ladies have the same idea as you,

I can only allow you 20 minutes each.

Just one moment, madame.

For you, Mr. Maurice, another lady

wants to book Josephine.

Two at a time, let them all come.

Good morning, madame.

Josephine?

Well you know madame, she's only a trainee.

No Mrs. warring, you've got it all wrong.

My book was just a made up story from start to finish.

Come now darling, you couldn't make

all that up at your age.

I mean that poor chief accountant character, for instance.

So sad, so real.

I couldn't help thinking of your own father.

Well daddy's certainly an accountant,

but he's nothing like that.

You can confide in me, dear.

Oh come on now, it's all trust, isn't it?

Do tell me.

It'll be our little secret,

I won't breathe a word to a soul.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Could I have a few words with miss halliday, please?

She's extremely busy at the moment, I'm afraid.

Well I'd be very obliged if you told her

Robert Hughes is here to see her.

Robert Hughes, the playwright?

Yes.

Oh but I adore your plays.

Oh well, thank you very much.

Do sit down, I'll send Josephine to you at once.

Thank you very much, you're very kind.

Madame, it's just a story.

I made it all up, honestly.

Excuse me, Jo dear, you'll never guess

who's here to see you.

Who?

Robert Hughes.

The angry young man?

But he's not in the least angry,

he's a delightful young man.

Go to him.

Oh dear.

I haven't had my full 20 minutes yet, you know.

We'll make it up dear, good grief.

Miss halliday.

Mr. Hughes.

Yes, I've read your book.

Oh.

I'd like to turn it into a play.

May 1?

Oh yes please.

Your plays are so wonderful, you just go right ahead.

Can I have tickets?

There's a lot to talk about before we get to that.

We can't talk here.

Can you get away soon?

Oh yes.

All right, there's a tea shop further on,

I'll meet you there, if you like.

Oh you wouldn't like it,

it's not contemporary enough for you.

It looked rather nice.

Oh no, it's weedy.

There's a new Espresso on the other side though.

Splendid.

Well I'll be there as soon as I can then.

All right, I'll be waiting.

Hello?

Halliday.

Janet.

I've told you before not to call me here.

No.

What is it?

What?

She what?

In the high street?

You didn't.

Janet, Janet, be calm.

Listen, I want to meet you, yes.

Tea shop, yeah.

No, no, no, I can't go all the way home, no.

The tea shop, and Janet, calm down, please.

Bye.

Little domestic problem, sir.

I quite understand.

I'm afraid I shall have to go out.

Oh, suppose I want to ask you some questions.

The only question you're likely to ask me,

Mr. appleton, is how I managed to get the accounts

into such good shape three weeks before time.

I'll answer that now,

it's because they're perfectly in order, as always.

Excuse me.

Hello?

What's this?

"Naked revolt"?

Well I'll go to the foot of our stairs.

Oh.

Oh dear.

Fancy.

Well they never did.

Oh how outrageous.

Let's get out of here,

everyone is staring at us.

Let 'em.

But you don't understand.

I understand fully.

Our daughter has written a successful novel.

Naturally as her parents, we are interesting

to these run of the mill dullards.

Let them stare.

Edward, I have something to say to you,

and it had better be said in private.

Let's go.

Certainly not!

Very well.

This book was published yesterday,

but I gather that everyone around here

has read it except us.

I shall surely but carefully scold

our famous daughter for having

put us into such an embarrassing position.

It is nothing to the position

she has put us in in the book.

I don't understand,

what have we got to do with the book?

Edward, if you'd read anything

but the financial page.

And how were things at the office this morning?

What a funny thing you should say that,

old appleton's been running a spot check,

as if I'm a suspected embezzler.

Yes.

Young Millicent Jones won't look me in the eye.

And everyone stares at me.

Wait a minute, the book.

The book, it's about us.

I'll sue!

Who, your own daughter?

And keep your voice down, everyone is staring at us.

Let 'em!

I mean, are they?

I'll see a solicitor.

It's too late for that, the damage is done.

What's it called?

"Naked revolt".

I don't feel very well.

Pull yourself together.

I'll take the afternoon off.

We'll read this naked thing together,

quietly, carefully.

Maybe it's not as bad as we think.

It's not what we think that matters,

it's what they think.

Let's get out of here.

You Edward halliday?

Yes.

I'm Jones.

I'm afraid I don't know you.

I'm afraid you know my daughter

Millicent rather too well.

I love it here, don't you?

Well it's certainly contemporary.

Miss, may I call you Josephine?

Oh Jo would be better.

Jo.

Well now about the play, first there's the royalty question.

Oh is the queen going to see it?

No dear, I'm afraid not.

No look, let me explain about royalties.

The book, well the story,

it's a piece of property, it belongs to you.

It can't be made into a play, or a film,

or televised, or published anywhere in the world,

unless you agree, and people will pay for your agreement.

They'll make thousands of pounds for you.

Oh dear, I can't cope with all this.

You don't have to, that's your agent's job.

But I haven't got an agent.

That doesn't surprise me.

Have you got one?

Yes, he's very good.

Well, could you, would you ask him

if he'd agent for me?

Would he mind?

Mind, he'd jump at the chance.

Well let's phone him.

I won't feel safe until I've got myself a proper agent.

You'd better meet him.

I'll take you to London today,

if your parents approve, of course.

Oh they don't care what I do.

I won't ask them.

Well, you know best.

What time shall I pick you up at the shop?

The shop!

I said I'd only be away a few minutes.

Jo, you're finished with hairdressing for life.

Now look, this book of mine, the play and all that,

it isn't really solid yet, and until it is,

I daren't risk losing my job.

Don't rush your coffee.

I'll see you at 5:30.

Oh.

Oh you poor thing.

Don't panic.

So it's you.

I was stared at all the way home.

It was horrible.

Would you like something to eat?

How can you think of food at a time like this?

I have some digestive biscuits in my room,

Edward, they will suffice until I've finished

reading your daughter's book.

What's all this your daughter stuff, may I ask?

She's your niece, you know,

and there aren't any writers in my family.

Oh don't be so childish.

Before we start...

Yes, yes.

There must be no, positively no comment until we finish.

All right, all right.

If you explode every three minutes,

we'll never get finished.

You go on and on, we'll never get started.

My name is blanche gaunt.

I'm 17.

I come from a suburb, a place where respectability

is built in with the plumbing.

A street where nothing out of the ordinary ever happens.

Where the inhabitants only experience

three painful processes, birth,

death, and the repayment of mortgage interest.

A typical suburb, respectable,

like my father, Roger gaunt.

Contented and home loving, like my mother, Rita.

Kindly and conventional, my mommy's sister,

my dear aunt euna.

Full of innocent healthy fun,

like uncle Willie, at least,

that's what I've always called him.

People like your neighbours, people like you,

that's us, cut from a suburban pattern,

leading placid, respectable lives.

But we were a living lie,

and my story, henceforth, is concerned

with the truth, and its consequences.

My 17th birthday, how well I remember

the happy way I went off to work,

not knowing that this was the day

on which I would forever look back in anger.

Oh mademoiselle Stella.

Good morning, Pierre.

How ravishing you look this morning.

Thank you.

Little bit off the top, dear.

Hello Stella.

Miss Hopkins, if you don't mind.

Miss Hopkins.

That's better.

For goodness sakes, girl, don't strangle me.

I'm sorry, miss Hopkins.

And do be careful, don't haul my hair out of shape.

I'll try not to.

Apprentices, you're not fit

to sweep up combings, let alone...

We all have to learn, miss Hopkins.

And some of you have more to learn than others.

What do you mean by that?

You make me sick, so high and mighty,

you and your detached house.

Think it's a little bit of heaven,

don't you, fenced off from the nasty world,

and your folks, angels, aren't they?

I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

Don't you, cherub?

You don't know much, do you?

It's time someone taught you the facts of life.

I know that babies aren't found

under gooseberry bushes.

Neither are £10 hairdos.

Smug, so smug.

I said you've got a lot to learn,

well, this is it, start learning.

I'm going to London today with a friend, a man.

He's crazy about me, crazy.

I'm gonna take him for a complete outfit,

head to toe, bond street or bust.

He's got his heart in his mouth,

and his money in his pocket.

He's guaranteed nothing in return,

except the pleasure of seeing me

dripping with costly couture.

That's how desperate he is, cherub,

desperate for just a little snookey-ookums.

What do you think of that?

I think it's your business entirely,

and in very bad taste to discuss it with me.

Bad taste, hey?

Well roll this around your sweet mouth, kid.

How do you think I got the day off from the office?

Your dad's office.

Who do you think's going to pay for it all,

even for this little hairdo, hey?

In three little words, honey.

Who's the man?

Well if you must tell me, I suppose.

You don't mean?

You dare to suggest that my father,

and you, his secretary...

Confidential secretary, cookie.

Very confidential.

You're lying.

My hair miss, look sharp.

Ow, you little!

My own father's secretary, insulting me like this.

I felt sick, sick!

The mere thought turned my stomach,

the thought of my father and Stella,

my father and Stella, no, no,

it couldn't be true, it couldn't.

Not true of that lovable, homely man.

The sweetest, kindest and most loyal

being ever to walk this earth.

Not true of he who took me here,

swimming as a little girl.

Now he was getting out of his depth.

My daddy.

Sugar daddy.

Ravishing.

Your taste, madame, faultless.

Oh.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

No sir, in most cases, jewels are made for women,

rarely, sir, rarely one meets a lady

who is made for jewels.

Madame.

Will you therefore give me the pleasure

of showing you something else?

Necklaces?

Bracelets.

And teeny, teeny watches.

Not today, thank you, thank you.

How much do I owe you for these?

The ring, 350.

The clips, pretty, 275.

625, sir.

625.

Guineas.

Of course.

That's £656, five shillings.

Exactly, sir.

Darling, look, isn't this twee,

complete with my initial?

Oh how unerring of you, madame,

to select that bijoux.

It once belonged to a Russian grand duchess,

not exactly a romanov, of course.

Ah, I knew there'd be a snag in it.

But never the less, an investment for 125.

Roger.

Please.

Pounds?

Guineas.

That's £787.

And 10 teeny shillings.

Oh, 10 teeny shillings, of course.

The money in his wallet, his heart in his mouth,

that's what she told me.

How could he?

Yes indeed, how could he afford it?

Where did all this money come from?

Sure you're not spending too much, darling?

For you, anything, Stella.

Yes.

I repeat, for you, anything.

Sweetheart.

And for me?

Ah, ah, ah, ah, you're naughty.

Oh Stella.

Isn't this a gorgeous dress?

The cut.

A rag.

Nothing in the world is cut on your lines.

Dresses, jewellery, what are they?

Peacock feathers designed to attract.

You don't need anything to attract me.

Oh Stella.

Roger.

If you only knew how I feel.

Yeah, I think I do.

Will you let me go now, please?

How can I let go of my only chance

of happiness, of you?

20 years I've spent rotting in a loveless marriage.

I know, poor rogy-podgy.

Don't say that, rogy, not podgy.

I'm fit, yes, gardening, table-tennis,

I'm fit, I tell you.

If you only knew the desires and affection

I've got stored up, demanding release,

coursing through my veins, clogging my brain,

and it's all for you, Stella.

Stella!

Yes, nothing to worry about dear,

the clip's quite safe.

Ah, the mink.

Ah, which one would madame like to try on, do you think?

That's a nice little one.

Yes.

Allow me.

Lovely.

Yes, quite a charming little thing, isn't it?

But of course.

No, no I don't think so.

Ah.

Thank you.

Too lovely, isn't it?

Oh this is a dear one.

Yes, isn't it?

I mean, isn't it?

I'll take it.

Yes madame.

Have the other things sent down

to the car, will you?

Certainly, madame.

Thank you.

That'll be £510, 13 shillings.

Very reasonable, I'm sure.

500.

Something wrong?

Oh no sir, no indeed, quite the reverse.

What do you mean?

Well you know, we have the most

extraordinary and ill-assorted couples in here

most of the time, and I'm here thinking

what a pleasure it was to serve you,

if you don't mind my saying so.

Not at all, it's very nice of you, I'm sure.

Very nice for me to see, just once in a while,

a charming man, spending on such a lavish scale

for his niece.

I'd never had such thoughts.

In another second, I've had jumped in to seek oblivion,

but something made me determined

to continue my life's journey, wherever it led me,

no matter what strange paths it took.

After all, even if my father was a rotter,

on that dear, gracious lady, my mommy.

Well, do you think I'm ready for my test?

Come inside.

I never felt more alone in all my days.

If only I could talk to somebody,

somebody close to me.

Uncle Willie.

Oh Rita, my baby.

My baby.

Oh darling, I love you.

Yes, I know.

Would you like a drink?

Martini, dry.

It'll be as dry as the kalahari desert.

How exquisitely you speak French.

My Norman ancestors, they came over with the conqueror.

And I'm terribly glad they did, terribly.

Oh Willoughby, I want to be terribly wicked.

Well speak up.

I want to kiss each one of your ribs.

I say, now that is naughty.

Very naughty.

All right, later.

I'm so happy!

Are you?

Hysterically, aren't you?

Well of course.

That doesn't sound terribly convincing.

Is something wrong?

No, of course not.

Come on Rita, kiss me, come on, kiss, kiss, kiss.

No.

Is something wrong?

- Yes. - What?

- You. - Me?

We seem to have developed

remarkably limited vocabularies.

Rita, are you or are you not going to kiss me?

No I'm not, unless you tell me what is wrong.

Nothing's wrong.

Lovers are under greater obligation

to be frank with each other, than husband and wife.

My goodness, that's a highly sagacious aphorism,

what's its current application?

Simply this.

You must tell me what's wrong.

Simply this.

Rita, we're not husband and wife.

Is that all?

All, it's everything.

Frankly, I don't understand you.

Rita, I'll tell you something,

I'm an ex-cavalry officer.

I have an orderly mind.

For 20 years, we've loved each other wonderfully,

exquisitely, but oh so furtively, and I loathe it.

It's never bothered you before.

On the contrary, it's always bothered me,

the 20 years that we've been together.

Then why have you never mentioned it?

Because at staff college, we were always

trained never to make hasty decisions.

Now I have decided, I want you

to divorce Roger, and marry me.

Give me a cigarette.

I can't divorce him.

You mean blanche, I suppose?

Yes, blanche.

The least we can do, you, Roger and I

is to give blanche the illusion of a normal home.

A divorce, no, no, it'll be too ghastly,

the effect upon her, no, no.

She's 17, it's high time you stop

protecting her against life.

Who are you to tell me how to bring up my own daughter?

You're not her mother.

No, but I am her father.

I was on fire.

I thought I'd melt in the furnace of my emotions.

Then as they reached their fervid peak,

blood from my pouncing, betrayed heart

pumped unnatural energy through me,

and afraid I'd explode if I took still,

I ran, and ran, and ran, and ran, anywhere,

anywhere from that nest of lust.

Anywhere, trying to escape

from the ghastly fact that I was a.

My search for comfort had narrowed down

to one person, just one person

on whom I felt sure I could rely

for steady and sober advice, aunt euna.

Hi blanchey!

Want to see the doctor, kid?

Oh aunt euna, are you ill?

Sit down, I'll get Dr. gaye for you.

Not a chance, very busy right now.

Our Dr. gaye, always on the job.

Meet the only friend I've got, blanchey.

Boney, blanche, blanche, boney.

Shake hands, kid, and have a rattling good time.

Sick?

Of course I'm sick, sick with love.

I love him.

The skeleton?

Dr. gaye.

Adam.

Ludicrous, of course.

Why should he even look at me?

Sopping old calorie euna, in love, very funny.

Go on, laugh!

I think it's funny.

So funny, I can't bear to see it clearly,

in case I die laughing.

I have to see it through a haze,

take the edge off it with this.

Oh aunt euna, auntie!

Dr. gaye!

Dr. gaye!

Adam.

You know, you shouldn't bust in here

like this, blanche.

Interruption of this nature

could be very bad for her nervous system.

You're treating the lady, Dr. gaye?

My, you could put it that way.

You're lying.

You beast.

You degenerate beast.

You could have the nice, pure love

of my aunt euna, and instead you prey

on young women patients.

Don't have to, I'm thankful to say.

Have to fight 'em off.

I'll report to you to the medical council.

Who do you think's going to back you up?

My multitudinous lady friends?

They've got no complaints.

None, Adam, none.

You fiend.

You conceited fiend.

Stay, you interest me strangely.

Adam.

Stand quite still.

Ah-ha, pitter-patter, pitter-patter,

pitter-patter, pitter.

Cardiac acceleration of emotional origin, hey?

Boiling point.

Abnormal body heat, induced by the sudden

and accumulative collapse of illusions.

The adolescent all over, blanche.

How did you know?

My specialty.

So you recently discovered what life's all about,

and it's a bit of a shock, hey?

Well, there's only one cure,

and you've come to the right place.

Yes I think I can just about fit you in.

Come back in half an hour, will you?

Better make it 20 minutes.

Yours is an urgent case of lingering morality.

Don't be scared, the cure is fun.

You rotten devil, you.

Call yourself a doctor.

Doctor, laymen, what difference does it make,

as long as the treatment's right,

and I can give you that, pretty one.

What about my aunt euna?

That's a question I often ask myself.

What about aunt euna?

Adam.

Just a moment.

20 minutes, remember?

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

Adam.

Now contain yourself.

Your moment is at hand.

Oh Adam.

Eve.

Now I knew for sure, everybody's rotten.

Stella was right.

Here's to crime.

Don't say that.

Why ever not?

My gosh, what have I done?

You've been terribly generous,

and I do appreciate it.

All those lovely things tucked snuggly away in my wardrobe.

And we'll be tucked away snug somewhere soon, won't we?

Well I'm here, I'm sitting right beside you.

What more do you want?

Don't you know?

Can't you guess?

Now that's not what we agreed, is it?

I know, but...

You said no strings, you promised.

I know but all that money.

I see.

You don't like it now.

You want to go back on your word.

Now you've dressed me, you want to...

Shh.

Well don't you?

Isn't that it?

You men are all alike.

Are we?

How many men do you know who'd steal for you?

None.

I don't go around with dopes.

I stole.

I embezzled from my firm.

What do you know?

I finally went around with a dope.

Don't you realise?

I realise you've got a problem, investor,

putting it back in time.

Is that all it means to you?

What else?

I'm not your keeper, and you're not mine.

What sort of a girl do you think I am?

Not a dope, anyway.

Howdy, Stella.

Howdy rod.

Who's this?

A friend of mine.

Howdy.

How do you do?

Busy?

Only having a quick drink with the boss, dear.

Hi boss.

We've just finished.

Oh that's great, I'm wrestling tonight, baby.

Good, I love a good wrestle.

Say, you look pretty good,

where'd you get the animal?

Huh, and the rock.

Oh an admirer of mine bought them for me.

That's some gal, huh?

Some admirer.

Ready?

Willing and able.

Thanks for the drink, sir.

You're welcome.

Oh, goodnight.

Goodnight.

Sir.

Barman.

Sir?

Keep them coming 'til that's all used up.

Bitter?

Yeah, what do you think?

No, no, scotch, make it scotch.

Large ones, the largest you've got.

Yes sir.

My torment was nearly over.

I suddenly saw no need to hide my head in shame,

or blur the keen edge of reality.

I could face it and myself,

now and for the rest of my life.

Mustering my new found strength,

and no longer frightened of what I might see,

I took a look at myself for the first time,

and instead of shame, I saw hate.

I hated them all for their hypocrisy,

and sore there and then that I would not be a hypocrite.

I took would revolt against convention, but openly.

Mine would be a naked revolt.

Come in.

I'm going away, Madeline.

Ah, you are going away,

but it is not yet your holiday.

It's no holiday, Madeline, I'm going away for good.

Perhaps I should say for bad.

I do not understand this talk.

Oh Madeline.

There, there, there, la, la, la.

Oh bless you, Madeline.

You do make my laugh.

Alors, let us laugh then, and forget all this nonsense.

No.

No I mustn't weaken.

No.

You may go.

I may go, oui, but you may not.

Not on.

What would I tell your poor papa and mama?

Tell them they don't have to pretend anymore.

I do not understand.

I know not if I am on my derriere, or my elbow.

They will understand.

Tell them they taught me to follow their example

and that's just what I'm going to do.

Oh la la.

Leave me, I must go.

Am I never to see you again?

Who knows, in the life I propose to lead,

a French maid may well come in handy.

Oh la la.

Oh la la.

Psst!

As a lord.

Monsieur, your daughter.

My daughter, oh that's a good'un, my daughter.

Your daughter, mademoiselle blanche,

she's running away.

I wonder if she's got enough money.

I'm drunk.

You don't seem surprised.

Nothing can surprise me now.

You found out.

Everything.

I've got to go.

Blanche.

Don't try and stop me, Roger.

Just a minute.

How are you fixed for money?

I'll manage.

Oh sure you will, sure.

Because I was wondering, if you could spare me a few quid.

Stella?

Stella, Stella, yes.

For her, I stole.

You see, I was desperate for a little love.

Didn't stop to count the cost, until today,

and now, if I don't pay the money back

by next week, it's prison.

Help me, blanche.

This was for my holiday,

a coach tour of the dolomites.

Oh the dolomites.

£27.

I shan't be going now.

Take it.

Blanche.

Oh you're the least blame worthy

in this damn pit of blame.

Goodbye.

I'll try to pay you back somehow.

No.

Yes, I will.

I'm paying you back, all of you,

for your slimey years of deceit.

Oh blanche, blanche.

Oh and by the way.

Yes?

Aunt euna's a drunk as well.

You two ought to get together,

I've read that solitary drinking can be unhealthy.

She cares, she really cares about me.

£27.

Another 973, and I'm in the clear.

But my future path was already clear to me,

brutally, transparently clear.

A girl from the right side of the tracks

had to make tracks for the wrong side of the tracks,

on a one way ticket.

You going to London?

Yes.

Running away from home, hey?

How did you know?

It's my business to know.

How's business?

Come and see for yourself.

Okay.

What's your name?

Why do you want to know?

I'm gonna work for you.

You're pretty cool.

I can be pretty hot.

You know what sort of business I'm in.

Well you're not a talent scout for the ywca.

You're a hard nut, aren't you?

Life's hard.

The life I can offer you is not hard.

What's the deal?

I buy you a nice flat, nice clothes.

And a telephone?

Oh you get calls from unhappy men

who want you to make them happy.

Sounds philanthropic.

Oh it's not, they pay, they pay me.

And what goes into my bottom draw?

A fair percentage.

Cash?

Not soap coupons.

Fair enough, mr?

Smith.

The name's blanche.

You've got yourself a deal, smithy.

Good.

Let's go.

This was it.

My 17th birthday.

In the last few hours, I'd tasted life as it really is.

I'd found it bitter beyond belief,

but I'd swallowed it whole,

and now, unafraid, I could be excitingly certain

of only one thing, that this was not the end.

Calling Jo?

Telling her to come home at once.

I'm going to strangle her.

Give me that phone.

Think a minute, can't you?

I've thought, I still want to strangle her.

So do I, but that's an immediate emotion impulse.

One should never act on impulse.

Jo's been a very naughty girl.

Naughty?

She's depraved.

I have told you a thousand times,

girls of that age need Patience and understanding.

They do all sorts of peculiar things.

Not usually in print.

She is entitled to, and she is going to get

Patience and understanding.

Certainly, after I've torn her limb from limb.

Now let's try and understand this together,

don't call her yet.

If you don't mind, I want to speak to my daughter.

My daughter.

Edward!

13, 14, 15.

Satisfied?

There's such a thing as an overdue birth.

By six months?

What do you think I am, an elephant?

I don't know what to think.

I need a drink.

To forget Millicent Jones.

Millicent?

I can take a hint from the book as well you know,

yes, of course, Millicent Jones.

We have been married 19 years.

You are suffering from nearly three times

the seven year itch.

Stop going on about Millicent Jones.

You never stopped, for months you've been

praising her, quoting her, eulogising her,

putting her on a pedestal.

As a secretary, yes, but not romantically.

Janet, please Janet.

That's not what it sounds like to me.

Oh dear me, no.

I should say, she honked your every waking moment.

You can't stop taking about her,

not even to me, though you very cunningly

disguised your real interest in her.

Oh yes, I see it all.

And so do I.

Don't think I don't know what you're up to.

Oh yes, switching the whole thing

round onto me, when all the time it's you,

you who should be in the dock.

Me, why me?

There are certain aspects of the book.

Your character, for instance.

I thought I came out of it rather well.

A drunken, cradle snatching libertine,

very nice, I'm sure.

Those are effects, not causes.

Is it any wonder I acted the way I did?

Tricked into a loveless marriage,

the forced father of another man's child,

adulterated for years.

That is not the right word.

You must admit that in the book,

I'm more sinned against than sinning.

You, on the other hand.

All right, all right, what about me?

Uncle Willie, LAN Howard, I mean.

You knew LAN Howard before we were married.

Yes, of course, and a very handsome

leftenant he was too.

You went around with him?

Of course you know that, for two years,

then he went abroad and I married you.

Rather a shabby trick to play

on a serving soldier, wasn't it?

There was never anything serious between us.

But you still visit him, don't you?

As a friend of ours.

And a lonely bachelor.

Lonely, LAN?

Edward, he may be a veteran, but not from balaklava.

He is still a very lively companion.

See page 68.

Has he ever made love to you?

No, I would laugh in his face.

Edward, I love you.

Do you, do you indeed?

Then why, may I ask, why did you suggest

last year that we instal single beds?

Because of my insomnia, I didn't want

you to be awake half the night.

Insomnia is only an effect,

but what was the real cause of your sleepless nights?

What, or should I say, who was on your mind?

Explain that.

What about an explanation from you?

Evasion's a sign of guilt, you know?

Then don't evade this question any longer.

What about Millicent Jones?

Temper, temper.

What's happened to your cool,

aristocratic demure now?

You leave my family out of this.

Your family.

Jo certainly got that off to a tee.

Your Norman ancestors, bull!

Oh, you callous, unfeeling, insulting...

And another thing, the thing,

how did Jo know about rib kissing, hey?

Rib kissing, our most intimate secret,

the thing I love most in the world,

next to Sage stuffing.

Blazon for the world to see, on another man's ribs.

How could she have known about that,

unless she saw it?

Saw it, saw you and LAN, like in the book.

No, no, no, no, she guessed,

it was a coincidence.

Coincidence, what do you take me for?

Tell me the truth!

Edward!

Edward!

Please, must you shout so, my head's splitting.

Then you should take more water with it.

Oh Edward.

Have you read it?

No, we've been playing happy families.

I'll have to leave the country.

I'l help you pack, after I've called Jo.

Ah, Dr. gaye, Dr. Manners, I mean.

Forgetting my manners, hey what?

Do come in, please.

May I take your hat?

No.

- Coat? - No.

Mr. halliday.

Come on through to the living room.

This way.

Makes a change for you, hey?

Your usual target's the bedroom, what?

Surprise, surprise, Dr. Manners, isn't that nice?

Not a word until you've sat down,

you must be tired.

What exactly do you mean by that?

Please sit down, doctor.

Now look here, Mr. halliday.

You must have a drink.

No thank you.

This is not a social call.

Please give me your full attention.

Your daughter's written a book.

I think I'll go to bed.

What a good idea, let's all go to bed for a week.

Oh Edward.

Mr. halliday, it's painfully obvious to me,

and to the whole population of this district,

that the character of Dr. Adam gaye

is intended to represent me.

That hadn't occurred to me, you gay old dog, you.

Denial is useless.

I consider the book holds me up

to ridicule and contempt.

I shall sue everybody concerned for heavy damages,

unless this disgusting libel is withdrawn

from circulation, and an apology placed

throughout the national press.

What about a full minute on itv?

With me, licking your boots.

I see.

You intend to force me to sue.

As far as I'm concerned, you can sue

til you're blue in the face.

You're behaving very foolishly.

And you're behaving like a pompous old ostrich.

Now you listen to me.

If you see yourself as that lecherous

old quack in the book, then you know

what's best, I'm sure, doctor.

But what I see is quite different.

I see my little girl on the threshold

of a great career as a writer.

I'm proud of her for having the guts and talent

to put down on paper something other than

a column of figures, something that millions

of people can enjoy, yes, millions,

99% of whom have never heard of Dr. manners,

and never will, unless you choose to go to law,

and make yourself a laughing stock.

You do that, Dr. manners, and I'll fight you

right through to the house of lords.

I'll mortgage my back teeth 10 times over

to hire the finest barristers in the country.

I'll go in rags, I'll starve,

but there's one thing I won't do,

I won't allow you or anyone else

to blot out the only real cause

for pride and frame that this family's ever had, since 1066.

I can't stay any longer, I have a lady waiting.

If you're as good as it says in the book,

she'll wait quite some time yet.

She is a patient.

A patient what?

You'll be hearing from my solicitor,

don't bother to see me out.

Ladies.

Oh Edward.

I only did what any father would have done.

Sorry.

Idiot.

Hello, hello, hello.

The door was open so I just burst in,

I do hope you don't mind.

I've just read it, I've just read it, it was great.

I love that chapter about me.

Made me so sophisticated,

and I'm really rather scruffy.

A bit naughty though, wasn't it,

something up?

Why was Dr. manners here?

Is someone ill, is that it?

Where's Jo?

Jo's gone, in a car, to London,

with a strange man.

Oh!

Oh Robert, it was wonderful.

That's the 10th time you've said that

since we left our seat.

But that scene where he kicked her in the stomach.

Let's have some supper.

Oh I'm too excited to eat.

Well a night club then.

On such a night?

Well, do you want me to run you home?

Oh no.

I'd love just to look round London, if you don't mind.

No, anything you say, Jo.

Jo.

Yes Robert?

I've got something important to say to you.

Yes Robert.

It's about me, well my work.

Yes Robert.

Jo, I'm a fraud.

I don't understand.

Well look, you've just seen my latest play,

like all the others, it's full of characters

who are sordid, foul tempered,

hysterical and self torturing.

Well they speak for the youth of today.

No they don't.

Look, those misfits and lay abouts

only speak for a sickly minority.

I loathe them, and I don't want

to write about them.

Why do you?

I've gone hungry often, and I don't want

to go hungry again, so I've sold out.

I write what the public wants,

because it pays off, not because it's me.

You must believe me.

Oh I do, Robert, but if that's the way you feel,

you can't like my book very much.

I like you better, Jo.

You know something?

What?

You still haven't met my agent.

That can wait, this can't.

Miss worth.

May I come in?

Why certainly.

Do sit down, please.

Thank you.

Well if you could tell me

what you want to see me about,

I have a rather important letter to write

to my solicitors about the case, you understand,

and it's rather late.

I hope not too late.

For what?

For you to reconsider your decision

about the book and the case.

Really, miss worth.

Can you think of one good reason why I should?

Well, you could read it again,

and perhaps find it isn't so inaccurate after all.

What?

I'm painted as a vile seducer,

who doesn't draw the line at a girl of 17,

as an utter disgrace to the medical profession.

What's left that's accurate, if you please?

My height, the colour of my eyes?

Well Dr. manners, you are rather shy, aren't you?

Shy?

You consider the doctor in the book shy?

No, that wasn't quite the point.

The point is, you are, aren't you?

Of course not.

Of course not.

Look, I have no personal argument with you miss worth,

and I don't want to be discourteous,

but I think you'd better leave.

I don't.

Now listen...

You listen, I've got something to say to you,

something I've never told anybody else.

I'm shy, Dr. manners, I have been all my life,

hideously, painfully shy of my feelings.

I've always been terrified people would laugh at them,

so I've kept them hidden.

Oh I present anything but a timid face

to the world, you know that,

so does my niece, so does everybody round here.

You all know Gladys worth, cheerful spinster,

rather brash, bit of a crank about

keep fit diets, but a jolly good sport.

A jolly good fraud, Dr. Manners, that's what I am.

Just like all really cruelly shy people,

we don't hide away in corners,

but only to bluff, aren't we?

It's nonsense.

You see, bluff and bravado.

I don't make a fetish of my diet.

In your case it's golf.

I must say, you don't sound very shy to me.

I'm not, not anymore.

I owe that to the book, that silly book,

and it is silly and you know it.

A nine days wonder that everybody

round here will soon forget.

But there's one phrase in it which is utterly true,

and you know what it is.

I know, what do you mean?

Where aunt euna says "I love him".

You?

I don't know what to say.

Just lately, I have been thinking

about you a great deal, but I...

But you were afraid to tell me.

You're quite right, you know.

I'm dreadfully shy really.

I suppose that's why I was so infuriated by that book.

I envied that doctor character so much,

not for his promiscuity, no,

but because he wasn't afraid of his emotions.

Neither am I, not anymore.

Oh daddy!

In.

Mommy!

Oh darling!

How could you?

Oh mommy, daddy, I'm engaged.

- What? - Oh no!

Sit down.

Who's this, and where have you been?

London, oh daddy don't you realise,

Robert and I are engaged.

One thing at a time.

Don't you realise what sort of a state

we've been in here all night?

How could you dash off like that,

leaving no message, nothing?

Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself.

It's all my fault, sir.

Shut up, I'll deal with you in due course.

Well daddy, don't spoil everything, please.

Spoil everything, what's left to spoil?

Your mother and I have almost cross petitioned each other,

for sustained infidelity and ritual drunkenness.

You've driven your poor aunt Gladys out into the night,

she's probably on her way

to south America now on a banana boat.

We're all being suited to the workhouse

by Dr. manners, and I've been punched

on the nose by Mr. Jones.

But why?

Why?

Because of your book.

Do you mean that everybody round here

thinks that my book's the truth about us?

Of course they do.

We've had a terrible time, Jo dear.

How can people be such fools?

I'm asking the questions, young lady.

Now what have you got to say for yourself?

Well naturally I wrote about the people I know,

I used my imagination.

Try telling that to the locals.

One shouldn't have to.

Nobody with any common sense could possibly...

People don't have sense, they have nasty minds,

and yours, I'm sorry to say,

is the nastiest one I've ever come across.

Daddy.

Mr. halliday.

Edward!

Great news, great news.

I've just seen Dr. manners

and he's not going to sue.

The coward!

Not at all, he's got over his first

wild impulse and realise that he's making

a terrible fuss about nothing if he goes on with it.

Tell us the rest, aunt Gladys.

The rest?

What do you mean?

Well you're going to marry him, aren't you?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

Oh Gladys, how marvellous.

My congratulations, Gladys.

I can hardly believe that after all these years,

you're actually going to leave the bathroom.

Oh, I mean leave us.

May I offer my congratulations, aunt Gladys.

Oh yes, thank you.

Oh dear, who?

This is Robert Hughes, aunt Gladys,

the man I intend to marry.

Oh!

Oh Jo, darling!

Oh Janet.

Oh wait a minute, this may have been

a great day for the confetti manufacturers,

but it's been a hell of a day for me,

and you, young lady, must be told

that your entirely to blame.

You've been a thoughtless, irresponsible,

secretive, trouble making little...

Edward, dear.

If Dr. manners can be sensible, why not you?

Why can't you stop making a fuss over nothing?

Oh all right.

Janet, Jo, Gladys, please go to bed.

Why?

Oh Edward, yes!

Come on!

Sit down, my boy.

Oh thank you sir.

Would you like a cigarette?

No thank you sir, I only smoke when I'm tense.

Would you like a light, sir?

Thank you, Robert.

It is Robert?

Yes.

- Robert. - That's right, sir.

Well, my boy, this is it.

I would like an honest assessment of your prospects.

I think quite good, sir.

Confidence in your ability, hey?

I like that, that's very nice.

But this writing occupation,

it's a very chancy business, isn't it?

Yes, very.

Brass tacks, let's get down to brass tacks, my boy.

How much did you earn last year?

£28,000, sir.

Well.

Well, how do I look?

Beautiful, darling.

Much too pretty to be my daughter.

Oh Robert, I do hope your mother likes me.

She will.

We'll just tell her she'll be losing

a playwright, but gaining a novelist.

Oh Henry.

No, I'm through with writing now.

Oh now that's a pity,

I mean your book did me a favour.

Did it?

How?

Well ever since the book came out,

I've had hundreds of telephone calls,

begging me, positively begging me

to teach them driving, mostly from women.

Can't think why.

So you're going to start a driving school?

Yes that's it, yeah.

Oh uncle LAN, would you do something for me?

What, free driving lessons?

How could I refuse?

Oh no, just take notes down on all your experiences.

I might be able, yes I can see it now,

"I for lust" by Josephine halliday,

author of "naked revolt".

Enough is enough!

Have a heart.

- Oh no Jo, please darling. - Oh no Jo, not again,

please, not again.

Don't do it!