All language subtitles for Melissa.and.Joey.S01E02.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.x264-JediTV

HEY, BURKE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING
YOU WROTE ON THIS MARKET LIST.

- UM, "NO FAYO"?
- NON-FAT YOGURT.

OH OKAY. WHAT ABOUT
"WAH WEE PEN"?

WHOLE WHEAT PENNE.

HOW COULD I NOT SEE THAT ONE?
UM...

"MAX FLO TAMP"?

- THINK ABOUT IT.
- OH, I GOT IT.

SEE IF YOU CAN DECODE THIS:
"NOT-A-FRIGGING-CHANCE."

JOE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY GOOD BLACK JEANS?
I CAN'T GO TO SCHOOL IN MY PAJAMAS.

- WASHED AND IN YOUR ROOM.
- THEY'RE NOT IN MY ROOM.

- FIVE BUCKS SAYS THAT THEY ARE.
- 10 SAYS THEY'RE NOT.

- 20.
- 50.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON.

IT'S KINDA FUNNY...

YOU'RE NOT A MOM, BUT
YOU HAVE TWO KIDS;

YOU'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP,
YET YOU LIVE WITH A GUY;

AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ON A
REAL DATE IN SIX WEEKS.

12.

- NO, I AM TOTALLY FULFILLED IN MY NEW LIFE.
- OH.

BUT TELL ME, RHONDA, ARE
THERE STILL MEN OUT THERE

AND DO THEY STILL TAKE WOMEN ON
ROMANTIC DATES TO RESTAURANTS

- AND TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM?
- THEY DO, GOD BLESS THEM.

OH GOD, I MISS THAT.

Ryder: LOOK AT ME, I'M RICH!

DOUBLE OR NOTHING SAYS
THAT THEY'RE IN THE DRYER.

OH HEY LOOK, WE NEVER
REALLY TALKED ABOUT THIS,

- BUT FRIDAY IS PAYDAY, RIGHT?
- UH-HUH.

GOOD. I MIGHT NEED
A SMALL ADVANCE.

INTERESTING FACT: BEFORE THIS HE
ACTUALLY RAN AN ENTIRE COMPANY.

LOOK, WE LOST A BILLION DOLLARS,
BUT WE NEVER LOST OUR PANTS.

♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪

♪ WITH ME ♪

- SOUNDS LIKE A DATE.
- IT IS NOT A DATE.

THEO JUST WANTS TO DISCUSS ARTS
FUNDING FOR PUBLIC SCHOOLS WITH ME

AT THAT REALLY COOL NEW DIM SUM PLACE
WHERE ALL THE COUPLES HANG OUT.

OOOH, HE TOTALLY ASKED YOU OUT.

CAN WE NOT BE
TWEENAGERS ABOUT THIS?

HE TOTALLY DID.

OH, AND HE'S, LIKE, SO CUTE!

SO IS HE GIVING OFF ANY SIGNS?
DOES HE SEEM INTERESTED?

WELL, I DETECTED SEVERAL GLANCES

AT SELECTED PORTIONS OF ME.

ARE WE TALKING
BOYFRIEND MATERIAL?

THE COUNCILWOMAN HAS
HIM UNDER REVIEW.

( giggles )

- GIRL TALK?
- JUST BUSINESS.

YES, WE WERE REVIEWING
CRITICAL PERSONNEL ISSUES.

SO THEN GIRL TALK.

I THINK THIS IS GREAT,
BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT,

THESE DAYS YOU'RE NOT OUT
THERE HITTING THE CLUBS.

AND NOTHING'S HITTING ME.

SO WHAT'S YOUR NEXT
MOVE WITH THEO?

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO
BE UNPROFESSIONAL.

I'M LYING. I WANT TO
BE SO UNPROFESSIONAL.

LIKE, "SLAP ME WITH A
LAWSUIT" UNPROFESSIONAL.

OH, HE'S REALLY ADORABLE.

LADIES, PLEASE, AT LEAST WAIT
TILL I'M OUT OF THE ROOM.

BUT I CAN'T JUST BE HITTING ON
THE GUY WHEN HE'S LOBBYING ME.

- ISN'T THAT CROSSING THE LINE?
- SO MAKE HIM CROSS IT FIRST.

LET HIM GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME
AFTER THE NEXT MEETING.

THEN ASK HIM IF HE
WANTS TO COME INSIDE.

A LITTLE CHITCHAT, FLASH THOSE BABY BLUES.
DO I HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT?

NO, I HAVE MEMORIES.

AND A VIDEOTAPE ONE OF
MY OLD BOYFRIENDS MADE.

MAN, I LOOKED GOOD IN THAT TAPE.

YOU SHOULD TRANSFER IT TO
DIGITAL SO YOU DON'T LOSE IT.

AND THEN ENCRYPT THE
CRAP OUT OF IT.

OOOH, GOTTA GO. I HAVE A DATE.

WELL, NOT TECHNICALLY. I'M
INTERVIEWING NEW INTERNS.

OH HEY, LET ME HELP
YOU WITH THAT.

NO NO NO, I GOT IT, I GOT IT. IT'S
PERFECTLY BALANCED. PLEASE DON'T...

Both: SEE?

ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS IT.

I'M ALL MOVED IN.

NICE.

WALL, FLOOR, WEIGHT BENCH,

ALL THE COMFORTS OF
SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

WHERE DO YOU SLEEP?

THIS BABY. THE THING
INFLATES IN LIKE 30 SECONDS.

( beeps )

( slow hissing )

WOW.

LOOK AT IT GO.

I'D BETTER GET OUT OF THE WAY.

- YOU'RE GOOD, BURKE.
- SERIOUSLY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU AND TIFFANY

WERE GOING HALFSIES
ON ALL YOUR STUFF.

YEAH, THIS IS MY... HALF.

OH, SO WHEN YOU DIVIDED
THINGS EQUALLY

YOU GOT ALL THE INVISIBLE STUFF?

LOOK, TIFFANY IS GOING TO BE ON
HER OWN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.

OKAY? AND SHE'S NEVER WORKED.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
SHE WAS GOING TO BE OKAY.

I'M TRYING TO BE A
STANDUP GUY HERE.

YOU'RE KINDA MORE
OF A BENT-OVER GUY.

I'M SORRY. LOOK... I JUST GET...

- YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
- WHAT? NO. SAY IT.

I GET THE FEELING THAT YOU BELIEVE THAT
IF YOU LET HER KEEP ALL THE STUFF,

THAT SHE'LL CHANGE HER
MIND AND TAKE YOU BACK.

PLEASE! I GOT
EVERYTHING I WANTED.

REALLY?

I BET YOU HAD A TV.

A GUY LIKE YOU
PROBABLY HAD A 60",

1080p, H.D., LCD, L.E.D.
MAN-AVISION?

52", WHICH IS PLENTY.

THE FACT OF THE MATTER
IS YOU NOW HAVE 0".

THAT IS BY CHOICE, OKAY?

SHE'S GOING TO BE SPENDING A LOT
OF TIME AT HOME AND SHE THOUGHT...

WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
BEST IF SHE TOOK THE TV.

LIKE I SAID, 0".

YOU'RE A NICE GUY, BUT
YOU'RE GETTING KILLED HERE.

I'LL BE BACK IN AN HOUR, BECAUSE I'M REALLY
CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT THAT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
THAT IS HILARIOUS.

- WHAT?
- NOTHING.

- HA HA HA!
- OH COME ON, SHARE!

I BOUGHT EVERYTHING
YOU'RE WEARING.

OKAY, SO AIDEN, HE THINKS HE'S LIKE
A SUPER DRIVER. TODAY AFTER SCHOOL,

HE BACKS HIS BEEMER RIGHT INTO
THE HEADMASTER'S MERCEDES.

SO THEY END UP HAVING TO CALL AIDEN'S
DAD IN ZURICH, AND HE GOES...

WAIT WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE. THERE WERE
A LOT OF BIG-MONEY WORDS THERE.

SINCE WHEN ARE THERE
HEADMASTERS AT PUBLIC SCHOOLS?

THEY'RE NOT. THIS
HAPPENED AT McALISTER.

McALISTER?

YOU MEAN McPREPPY
McSNOOTY ACADEMY?

THE ONE YOU'RE
GLAD TO BE OUT OF?

EVERYBODY I KNOW IS STILL THERE.

WHAT ABOUT MAKING SOME NEW FRIENDS?
AT GRANT.

WHERE YOU GO EVERY DAY FOR EIGHT HOURS...
OR SO I'M TOLD.

I ALREADY HAVE FRIENDS.

YES, BUT THOSE FRIENDS WILL
GIVE YOU CARPAL TUNNEL.

HERE'S A CRAZY THOUGHT: WHAT
ABOUT MAKING SOME FRIENDS

YOU CAN TALK TO EVEN IN A BLACKOUT?
O.M.G!

I HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON
WITH THESE PEOPLE.

BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN THEM A CHANCE.
GET TO KNOW THEM.

THEN MAYBE YOU CAN GET THEIR
NUMBERS AND TEXT THEM.

I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T GET IT.

BURKE, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
TIFFANY'S BEEN PUSHING ME AROUND

AND I NEED TO STAND UP
FOR MYSELF AND BE A MAN.

I'M GETTING MY INCHES BACK...
ALL OF THEM.

WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT TELEVISIONS.

LENNOX, IT'S A PUBLIC HEARING TONIGHT
AND THERE'S ALWAYS A LOT OF BLOWHARDS,

- SO IT MIGHT GO LATE.
- UH-HUH.

AND FLYING MONKEYS MIGHT
CARRY ME OFF INTO THE NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I DO LISTEN TO YOU.

I JUST DON'T FIND MUCH
OF IT VERY INTERESTING.

OH, YOU DO LISTEN TO ME.

OH, YOU'RE WEARING THE
SPECIAL-OCCASION EARRINGS.

IS THERE GOING TO BE A VERY
SPECIAL BLOWHARD THERE TONIGHT?

NO, I JUST... IT'S...

YEAH, UH-HUH, WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- THEO MORTON.
- WHAT'S HE DO?

HE'S DEPUTY VICE-CHAIR ON
THE MAYOR'S COMMISSION

OF ARTS CURRICULA
AND PUBLIC FUNDING.

OOOH, A BAD BOY!

- I BET HE WEARS SUITS.
- HE DOES NOT!

OKAY YEAH, HE DOES, BUT...

OH MY GOD, I JUST LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW.
YOU GUYS GOTTA SEE WHAT'S COMING.

HEY, THANKS, BUDDY.

IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

HA.

- JOE, CAN I TOUCH IT?
- NO.

ALL RIGHT, BUT GO WASH
YOUR HANDS FIRST.

- I THINK I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
- THIS IS A LITTLE PIECE OF MY DIGNITY.

WENT OVER TO TALK TO TIFFANY. BEST
CONVERSATION WE HAVE HAD SINCE...

SINCE YOU WENT BROKE AND
THEN SHE DUMPED YOU?

THAT'S A WAY TO
CUSHION IT, YEAH.

ANYWAY, I STATED MY POSITION.

SHE LISTENED. AND I AM BACK
WITH TANGIBLE RESULTS.

YEAH, A BEAUTIFUL BIG-ASS TV.

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE AROUND
THE TELEVISION, OKAY?

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING WITH THAT?

LET THE KID TAKE IT FOR A SPIN.

LISTEN, I HAVE TO THANK YOU. IT'S
BECAUSE OF YOU THAT I GOT THAT TV BACK.

YOU KNOW IT'S NOT STAYING
IN THE LIVING ROOM?

BUT WHAT'S EVEN MORE SIGNIFICANT
IS WHAT I DID NOT COME BACK WITH.

- I'M SERIOUS, IT'S NOT.
- MY AWESOME LEATHER CLUB CHAIR.

I WANTED THAT TOO. BUT TIFFANY
WOULD NOT LET THAT GO.

- YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
- THE TV'S NOT STAYING?

NO, THIS MEANS SHE'S
NOT READY TO LET GO.

YOU SEE, THAT CHAIR... IS ME.

AND TIFFANY IS?

STILL TIFFANY.

BUT SHE'S SITTING ON ME.

OKAY, SO YOU THINK THAT
SHE MIGHT WANT YOU BACK

BECAUSE SHE'S KEEPING A CHAIR?

TWO PLUS TWO,

FOUR EVERY TIME.

OH, IT LOOKS GREAT.

LOOK, I PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO
THE DESIGN OF THE ROOM HERE,

AND FRAT HOUSE REC ROOM IS
NOT PART OF THE SCHEME.

- C'MON, AUNT MEL, IT'S HIGH-DEF!
- AND I'M LOW TOLERANCE.

- BESIDES IT'S JOE'S TV.
- IT'S FINE. IT CAN LIVE UP HERE.

ACTUALLY DOWNSTAIRS WOULD
BE SO MUCH BETTER.

YOU KNOW, RYDER, DOWNSTAIRS
WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER.

NO, YOU CAN'T! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
THIS HOUSE HAS OFFICIALLY NOT SUCKED.

WOW, IT'S NICE THAT
YOU DON'T HOLD BACK.

RYDER, LOOK, I KNOW YOU LIKE IT, BUT IF
MY INTERIOR DECORATOR EVER SAW THIS...

OH MY GOD! BABY PENGUINS.

( cheeping )

- SIT.
- NO.

OH, THEY'RE SO CUTE.

AND CRISP.

I WANT A PENGUIN.

I COULDN'T TELL HOW
I WAS DOING THERE.

I MEAN, SOME OF THE OLD GUYS ON THE
CITY COUNCIL ARE PRETTY TOUGH.

GUNDERSON WAS JUST STARING AT ME WITH THIS
BLANK, CREEPY EXPRESSION THE WHOLE TIME.

OH, DON'T MIND HIM. HE
DIED THREE YEARS AGO.

OKAY, THEN I WON'T
TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

DO YOU THINK WE HAVE THE VOTES?

WELL, JUST BECAUSE IT'S YOU,
I CALLED IN A FEW FAVORS.

WHAT KIND OF FAVORS?

VOTEY FAVORS. JUST FOR YOU.

WOW. IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

THAT IS THE GOAL.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN AND...
COME IN?

( cheering )

GO, BABY. WHOO!

- WHAT IS THIS?
- THIS IS AN AMAZING COMEBACK IS WHAT THIS IS.

THE BENGALS WERE DOWN BY
14 POINTS TWO MINUTES AGO.

- NOW THEY'RE EVEN. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
- NO, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE THIS
INTO THE KITCHEN?

- WHO'S GOT THE BALL?
- Both: CHARGERS.

WOW, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE.

THEO!

THEY'RE GOING FOR
IT ON FOURTH DOWN?!

- IT'S BEEN THAT KIND OF GAME, MAN.
- LOOK, THEO...

( cheers )

DID YOU SEE THAT INTERCEPTION?

YES, I DID.

SO BEFORE I BRIEF YOU, BRIEF ME:

HOW DID IT GO WITH THEO MORTON,

THE ORLANDO BLOOM OF
OHIO ARTS FUNDING?

HAVE WE SEGUED FROM LOBBYIST TO
POTENTIAL DOWN-THE-LINE BOYFRIEND?

I HAD HIM. I WAS THIS CLOSE.

THEN I LOST HIM BY
TWO TOUCHDOWNS.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- JOE MADE HIM WATCH FOOTBALL.

MY NANNY STOLE MY DATE!

OH MAN, WHEN I SAW YOU AND
THEO LEAVING TOGETHER,

- I THOUGHT "THIS IS IT. THE DROUGHT IS OVER."
- SO DID I.

BUT THEN IT ALL TURNED TO CRAP...
IN HIGH-DEF.

THAT'S IT, I GOTTA EXPLAIN
SOME RULES TO JOE...

WHAT CAN AND CANNOT
HAPPEN UNDER MY ROOF.

YEAH, LET HIM HAVE IT HARD SO
YOU'RE NOT SNAPPING AT ME ALL DAY.

I NEVER DO THAT! OH, I'M SORRY.

CAN YOU JUST WAIT
IN THE CAR FOR ME?

- JOE.
- BURKE.

UH, WE NEED TO GO
OVER A FEW THINGS.

LOOK, IF IT'S ABOUT THE
SOY MILK, I'M SORRY.

I THREW IT OUT BECAUSE
I THOUGHT IT WENT BAD.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT GOD-AWFUL
ODOR WAS THE CORRECT SMELL.

- NO NO NO, THIS IS MORE GLOBAL.
- AUNT MEL, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

- IN A MINUTE, LENNOX.
- NO, IT'LL BE REALLY FAST, I PROMISE.

OKAY, SO I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT
YOU SAID ABOUT ME NOT MAKING FRIENDS

AT MY NEW SCHOOL AND NOT MOVING ON
WITH MY LIFE SO I'VE MADE A DECISION.

- I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY OLD SCHOOL.
- AH!

THE ONE THAT'S TWO HOURS
AND $40,000 AWAY?

YEAH, BUT THEY GIVE YOU LUNCH.

- WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS TONIGHT.
- YES WE WILL.

SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO READ YOU.

AND THAT WOULD BE MY
SEGUE BACK TO YOU.

HERE'S THE THING: WHEN I BRING A GUY
HOME, LIKE FOR INSTANCE LAST NIGHT,

IT WOULD BE UNBELIEVABLY PREFERABLE IF
THERE WAS NO SPORTS BAR RIGHT HERE.

- SO THEO WAS FROM WORK?
- YES.

- BUT YOU WERE TRYING TO...
- YEAH.

- AND THEN HE SAW THE TV...
- YES YES AND THEN NO,

SO THEREFORE NO!

WOW, TALK ABOUT
MISSING A SIGNAL.

- THIS TO YOU IS AN APOLOGY?
- IT'S NOT MY MISSED SIGNAL.

I'M NOT THE ONE THAT MESSED
UP YOUR NIGHT, BURKE.

- TRUST ME, THAT NIGHT WAS GOING NOWHERE.
- AH! HA HA.

- WE WERE HEADED SOMEWHERE.
- REALLY?

I MEAN, COME ON. THE GUY
STARTED WATCHING THE GAME.

- SO? HE'S A GUY.
- EXACTLY.

WHEN A GUY IS INTO YOU, HE'S
THINKING WITH HIS MAN PARTS, OKAY?

AND MAN PARTS? THEY DON'T
CARE ABOUT HIGH-DEF.

AH, RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS
FROM A GUY WHO THINKS A WOMAN

STILL LOVES HIM BECAUSE
SHE'S KEEPING HIS CHAIR.

HEY, THAT CHAIR IS SIGNIFICANT.

MOVE ON! SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

DON'T GET MAD AT ME, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT THE ONE THAT MESSED UP
YOUR LITTLE SCHOOLGIRL CRUSH.

- OH, IT WAS NOT A SCHOOLGIRL CRUSH.
- ( beeps )

OOOH, A TEXT FROM THEO!

OH, YOU ARE SO GONNA EAT YOUR WORDS.
CHECK THIS OUT.

"DINNER TONIGHT."

THAT'S IT? TWO WORDS?

- YEAH, BUT THEY MEAN A GREAT DEAL.
- THEY MEAN THAT HE'S HUNGRY.

YEAH, HUNGRY FOR LOVE.

...OF FOOD!

- YOU ARE SO WRONG.
- AND BY SO WRONG, YOU MEAN I'M SO RIGHT.

- I'LL SHOW YOU.
- REALLY? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SHOW ME?

THAT THIS MEANS SO MUCH MORE THAN
YOUR RIDICULOUS LITTLE CLUB CHAIR.

WILL YOU LEAVE MY CHAIR
OUT OF THIS, PLEASE?

- WE REALLY NEED TO GET INTO WORK NOW.
- GLADLY.

- DINNER!
- JUST A DINNER.

JUST A CHAIR.

OOH, THE PRESS LOVES
SOMEBODY TONIGHT:

"BURKE ELOQUENT AS COUNCIL
APPROVES ARTS BILL."

THERE ARE LIKE 12
STORIES UP ALREADY

AND I'M NOT EVEN COUNTING
THE NAKED BLOGGER GUY.

HEY, DENNIS HAS A FOLLOWING.

YOU ARE VERY POPULAR WITH NAKED
PEOPLE AT THEIR COMPUTERS.

SO WHERE'S THEO
TAKING YOU TONIGHT?

MY NEW FAVORITE SPOT...
NOT HERE.

RYDER, NEED YA! SO THEO
LOOKED PRETTY HAPPY

ABOUT THE VOTES,
DON'T YOU THINK?

HE'S GONNA LOOK HAPPIER TONIGHT.
LOOK AT YOU!

WELL, I AM WEARING MY CELEBRATORY
"PUBLIC ARTS FUNDING" BRA.

I WISH THE ARTS GOT
THAT MUCH SUPPORT.

SO WHAT'S UP?

RYDER, THERE ARE ONE TOO
MANY TV'S IN THIS ROOM.

CAN YOU FIND IT?

TAKE IT ON DOWN TO
JOE'S MAN CAVE.

I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO BRING IT
BACK UP HERE FOR PLAYOFF GAMES.

- THIS IS NOT A NEGOTIATION.
- SURE IT IS.

- JOE'S INFLUENCE ON YOU IS NOT APPRECIATED.
- HE SAID YOU'D SAY THAT.

YEAH, I KNOW,

BUT IF MRS. DENTON LETS US DO A VIDEO,
WE WON'T HAVE TO WRITE THE PAPER.

LET'S GET BAILEY IN OUR GROUP.
SHE LOVES TO WORK.

- HI, LENNOX AND?
- VICTORIA.

HI. YOU'RE LIKE FAMOUS
OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

YES, SHE IS CITY
COUNCILWOMAN MEL BURKE,

WHO REPRESENTS THE SEVENTH
DISTRICT, INCLUDING...

RHONDA, EASY, NOT A VOTER.

IT'S LIKE CIGARETTES.

YOU HAVE TO ESTABLISH BRAND
LOYALTY WHEN THEY'RE YOUNG.

- WE'LL BE UPSTAIRS.
- OH, HEY,

- SHE'S FROM GRANT?
- YEAH YEAH, REALLY FUNNY STORY.

OH WELL, YOUR AUNT
LOVES FUNNY STORIES.

OKAY, SO I WAS IN THE BATHROOM AND
I HEARD THIS GIRL THROWING UP.

- FUNNY ALREADY.
- AND I WAS LIKE, "I KNOW THAT SOUND!"

'CAUSE THAT'S LIKE THE NATIONAL
ANTHEM BACK AT McALISTER.

SO I WAS ABOUT TO GIVE THE SPEECH
I USED TO ALWAYS GIVE THERE:

"YOU'RE PRETTY THE WAY YOU ARE.
THERE'S NO PERFECT BODY TYPE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE
A MODEL IN A MAGAZINE."

THEN SHE TURNS AROUND AND
STARTS SHOUTING AT ME,

"I'M NOT BULIMIC, I JUST ATE THE
CAFETERIA CHILI! GO TO HELL!"

- SHE'S GREAT.
- SO YOU MADE A NEW FRIEND?

I DID THIS BECAUSE I WANTED TO,
NOT BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO.

SHE DID IT BECAUSE
I TOLD HER TO.

I ASSUME YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BE HERE FOR DINNER?

SHE MIGHT MISS BREAKFAST.

I HAVE NO COMMENT AT THIS TIME.

PFFFT.

EXCUSE ME, JOSEPH.

UH-OH.

NO, YOU'RE FINE. I JUST...

I WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY
ABOUT WHAT I SAID BEFORE

ABOUT YOU AND
TIFFANY AND THINGS.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A
TOUGH TRANSITION

AND THERE'S SOME
THINGS YOU MISS,

SO I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT
HELP YOU MOVE ON.

A LAPTOP? THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, THE FEDS TOOK
MINE FOR EVIDENCE.

NO NO NO, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
LEATHER CLUB CHAIRS TO REPLACE YOURS.

LOOK, THERE'S LIKE A DOZEN OF
THEM SELLING RIGHT HERE IN TOWN.

- THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU, BURKE.
- SEE?

LOOK, LEATHER,
PERFECT CONDITION.

- LOOK AT THIS ONE... IT'S GOT A LOT OF CHARACTER.
- THAT'S MY CHAIR.

SEE? JUST LIKE THAT WE
FIND YOU ONE YOU LIKE.

NO NO NO, THAT...
THAT-THAT IS MY CHAIR.

THAT IS... THAT'S
MY ACTUAL CHAIR.

THAT'S MY DAMN CHAIR!

- SHE'S SELLING IT?
- YOU DON'T KNOW THAT'S YOURS.

- THERE'S LIKE A MILLION OF THESE.
- YES I DO!

LOOK AT THIS... ZOOM ZOOM, OKAY.

YOU SEE? THAT IS
TIFFANY RIGHT THERE.

I RECOGNIZE THOSE. YOU KNOW WHY?
I PAID FOR THOSE TOO!

THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT ME.

THIS IS ALL ABOUT MONEY.

I'M SORRY, JOE. I HAD NO IDEA.

- YOU OKAY?
- YEAH, I'M GOOD.

I JUST SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS THING COMING.
YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU HAVE FEELINGS, IT'S
HARD TO SEE WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON.

IT'LL BE OKAY.

WHERE'S THE TV?

- DOWNSTAIRS.
- WHATEVER.

IF IT'S COOL WITH YOU, I'M JUST GONNA
CHILL HERE A LITTLE BIT, ALL RIGHT?

OOOH, HERE'S THE THING.

UM, THEO'S COMING OVER AND
GIVEN THAT HE'S COMING OVER,

PERHAPS A BETTER PLACE FOR YOU
TO CHILL MIGHT BE DOWNSTAIRS?

IT WAS THE BEST CHAIR
I'M EVER GONNA HAVE.

I'VE SAT IN SOME CHAIRS, BURKE.

UM, YOU KNOW, WHEN THINGS
ARE SWIRLING AROUND ME

AND I REALLY NEED
TO CLEAR MY HEAD,

THERE'S NOTHING BETTER
THAN GOING TO MY OWN ROOM.

OH, ROOM SWEET ROOM.

WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

- IT'S FINALLY OVER.
- ( beeps )

OOH, ANOTHER TEXT FROM THEO.

"CAN'T MAKE DINNER TONIGHT. MY BOYFRIEND
AND I ARE TAKING OUR CAT TO THE HOSPITAL.

ELPHEBA IS COUGHING UP BLOOD.
THANKS FOR THE VOTES."

BOYFRIEND? WHAT THE
HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT HE'S GAY.

- GAY?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW... HE LIKES GUYS.

AND CATS.

PROBABLY THE MUSICAL "CATS."

BUT HE LIKED FOOTBALL
AND HE FLIRTED!

OOOH, HE INTENTIONALLY
JAMMED MY GAYDAR!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?
I DATED A LESBIAN ONCE.

SHE WAS ACTUALLY A NICE GIRL.

YOU'RE JUST NOT THE BEST AT
JUDGING SIGNALS. SO WHAT?

HE WAS USING ME. AND IT WAS
ALL COMPLETELY POLITICAL.

AND NOW HE'S DONE PRETENDING AND HE'S BACK
WITH HIS BOYFRIEND AND THEIR DYING CAT!

OH, I HOPE THEY'RE HAPPY!

YOU'RE JUST ITCHING TO SAY
I TOLD YOU SO, AREN'T YOU?

HEY, I JUST GOT
DUMPED FOR A CHAIR.

THIS WAS ALL ABOUT HIS
PUBLIC ARTS FUNDING SCHEME.

WELL, THAT'S IT! FROM NOW ON, I'M
ONLY SUPPORTING TECHNICAL SCHOOLS!

THE ARTS CAN BITE ME!

HEY, RYDER, RYDER, GET BACK DOWNSTAIRS
AND GET THAT TV BACK UP HERE.

I WANT 52" OF PLASMA IN
FRONT OF MY FACE PRONTO.

- BUT I JUST TOOK IT...
- OH HEY!

LOOK LOOK, WHEN THEY FINALLY AGREE WITH YOU ON
SOMETHING, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND GO WITH IT.

- I'M GONNA LEARN A LOT FROM YOU, AREN'T I?
- DAMN STRAIGHT, BOY.

GO GO GO GO GO...

- YES!
- WHOO!

AND THE BABY PENGUIN IS HATCHED!

THAT IS REALLY ONE OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL THINGS THAT I'VE EVER SEEN.

SO CAN WE KEEP THE TV?

IT'LL HELP ME MAKE MORE FRIENDS.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK I
COULD ADJUST TO IT AT FIRST,

BUT NOW THAT IT'S HERE,

I GUESS IT'S NOT SO BAD.

- ( animal on TV barking )
- WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS THAT?!

IT'S A LEOPARD SEAL.

IT'S GOING AFTER THE...
OH MY GOD!

WE'RE GONNA NEED TO
CHANGE THE CHANNEL HERE.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW
WHERE THE REMOTE IS?!

( screams )

WHO IS THE SICKO

WHO CAME UP WITH H.D.?

OH GOD, HERE... DON'T...
AVERT YOUR EYES.

( theme music playing )