Original subtitles

"MELISSA AND JOEY" IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

LOOK AT YOU.

PUBLIC SERVANT BY DAY, HOTTIE BY NIGHT.

WELL, I HAVE TO TURN DOWN THE HEAT DURING THE DAY

- OR NOBODY'D GET ANYTHING DONE. - OOH, COUNCIL STORY'S UP.

From now on we're capping

elementary school class size at 22 students.

This is garbage,

which is piling up in front of my restaurant

'cause you cut pick-ups to once a week!

Well, a reduction in trash services

is what pays for the smaller class sizes.

CRAZY GUY WITH A TRASH BAG COMING AT YOU

AND YOU STAY THE MATURE, RATIONAL ADULT.

YES, I DID. SUCK IT, GARBAGE GUY!

OH, AND THEN THIS DUDE.

Hey, don't be that guy.

Don't be that guy that brings your garbage

into a public arena and acts like a crazy person.

- Act like a gentleman. - Thank you.

Now where the hell is the money

your brother-in-law stole from me?

What my sister and my brother-in-law did was wrong, okay?

But that's not me. Let me ask the room:

Does anybody here have a relative they're not exactly proud of?

Whew! It's not just me.

AT LEAST HE WAS CUTE.

YEAH, I DON'T SEE IT.

BUT YOU HELD YOUR OWN UP THERE.

YOU REMIND ME OF YOUR FATHER, THE ESTEEMED SENATOR.

OH MY GOD. DID I SMELL LIKE STRIPPERS?

NO, YOU SMELLED LIKE AUTHORITY.

- OH. WELL, THAT IS MY FRAGRANCE. - MM-HMM.

YEAH, I HAVE TO SAY IN ALL HUMILITY,

I WAS, YES, SMOKIN'.

- UP HIGH. DOWN LOW. - ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

PLUS YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW'S VARIOUS FELONIES

TOTALLY SHIFTED THE FOCUS OF THE MEETING.

I THINK YOU PUT THE WHOLE TRASH ISSUE TO BED.

AUNT MEL, WHY ARE ANGRY WHITE GUYS

THROWING TRASH AT OUR FRONT DOOR?

THERE IS A POLITICAL DEBATE IN THE COMMUNITY

IN WHICH THE MAJORITY FEELS...

THIS IS GETTING HEAVY... ( sniffs )

AND REALLY SMELLY.

I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE THIS HERE FOR YOU, AUNT MEL.

- THERE'S, LIKE, 10 MORE ON THE PORCH. - Mel: HEY, LENNOX! LENNOX!

DID YOU SEE THE DRESSER I PUT IN YOUR ROOM?

YEAH, IT'S REALLY CUTE, BUT I'M OKAY.

I'VE GOT SUITCASES.

SHE THINKS LIVING HERE IS TEMPORARY?

SHE NO LONGER TELLS ME WHAT SHE THINKS.

I USED TO BE I'LL-SNEAK-YOU- OUT-OF-THE-HOUSE AUNT MEL,

LET'S-GET-MATCHING - TATTOOS AUNT MEL.

NOW I'M BECAUSE-I-SAID-SO AUNT MEL.

I DO HORRIBLE THINGS LIKE PUT FURNITURE IN HER ROOM.

CLEARLY, I'M A MONSTER.

OF COURSE SHE'S DIFFICULT.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU WERE LIKE AT 15?

NOT VERY CLEARLY.

I DID A LOT OF DRINKING THEN.

♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪

♪ WITH ME ♪

RYDER, I'M GOING OUT TONIGHT,

SO RHONDA'S STAYING WITH YOU GUYS IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

COACH SAYS I NEED A BETTER JUMP SHOT.

YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE?

YES, WE ASIAN WOMEN ARE ALL ABOUT THE HOOPS.

SO IF YOU'VE GOT ANY HOMEWORK, DO IT.

AND BEYOND THAT JUST, YOU KNOW,

BE GOOD AND DON'T...

- TORCH THE PLACE? - YES.

IT WAS ONE LITTLE SINGLE-ALARM FIRE

AT HIS OLD HOUSE THE WEEK HIS FATHER RAN OFF. HE WAS ANGRY. HE JUST...

STACKED 20 OF HIS DAD'S SUITS ON THE DRIVEWAY,

ADDED SOME TOP-SHELF COGNAC AND LIT 'EM UP?

IN A WAY, BUT WE ALL NEED

- TO LET THINGS OUT EVERY NOW AND THEN. - NO, WE DON'T.

THE URGE TO SET THINGS ON FIRE, WE REPRESS.

THANKS FOR BABYSITTING.

I HAVEN'T HAD A DATE SINCE THE KIDS MOVED IN.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG, I'M ACTUALLY NERVOUS.

ALL RIGHT, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THESE SAY "SMART, INDEPENDENT, BRIGHT POLITICAL FUTURE."

THESE SAY "FORMER BAD GIRL. SHE'S BACK!"

WHAT, ARE YOU GOING HIKING? THOSE.

- ( cell phone ringing ) - Both: THAT'S YOURS.

- MEL BURKE. - RHONDA CHANG.

- YES, HELLO? - YEAH?

- SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. - CHANNEL 5.

- SHE DID WHAT? - WHAT DID SHE DO?

- WHEN? REALLY? - WHERE? TODAY?

Both: LENNOX DID THAT?

- LIZ, I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE. - NO, SHE DIDN'T TELL ME.

- IT'S NOT AT ALL TYPICAL. - OF COURSE I BELIEVE YOU.

- I KNOW WHEN SOMETHING'S SERIOUS. - IS THIS REALLY SERIOUS?

- I'M REALLY SORRY THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED. - I'LL TALK TO MEL,

BUT I'M TELLING YOU THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

GUESS WHAT.

TODAY AT SCHOOL LENNOX HANDED OUT FLYERS

CONTAINING AN ORIGINAL POEM

RHYMING HER PRINCIPAL'S NAME IN A CREATIVE WAY THAT

DIDN'T GO OVER WELL WITH MISS LUNT.

NOT TO SEND UP A FLARE,

BUT THERE'S A POSSIBILITY CHANNEL 5 HAS THE STORY.

- ARE YOU SURE? - PRETTY SURE.

I WAS JUST ON THE AIR, LIVE, DENYING IT.

TWO MONTHS LIVING WITH ME AND SHE GETS SUSPENDED.

LEGAL GUARDIAN OF THE YEAR. THANK YOU.

I KEEP TELLING YOU: HIRE SOMEBODY...

AN ORGANIZER, A PROFESSIONAL.

THOSE KIDS NEED STRUCTURE AND DISCIPLINE

AND POSSIBLY ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY.

AND YOU, MY DEAR, CANNOT DO EVERYTHING.

WELL, MAYBE NOT EVERYTHING,

BUT I CAN CERTAINLY DO THIS.

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF GOING UP THERE

AND SETTING THAT GIRL STRAIGHT.

I HAVEN'T MOVED YET, HAVE I?

WHY ISN'T MY SISTER HERE TO DISCIPLINE HER OWN DAUGHTER?

BECAUSE SHE'S LOCKED UP IN FEDERAL PRISON.

MAN, THAT'S A SWEET DEAL.

HEY, LENNOX, REMEMBER YOU AND ME AT THE FALL OUT BOY CONCERT?

I JUST FOUND THIS OLD PICTURE.

OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE THAT WAS HANGING

VERY OBVIOUSLY IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DOOR?

NOT OBVIOUSLY... AFFECTIONATELY.

THAT WAS SOME NIGHT, HUH? FALL OUT BOY! WHOO-HOO!

WHERE ARE WE GOING WITH THIS?

I WAS JUST REMEMBERING THE GOOD TIMES, YOU KNOW,

WHEN WE SHARED, TOLD EACH OTHER THINGS.

IMPORTANT THINGS...

THAT HAPPENED... TODAY.

OH, COME ON. YOU DIDN'T THINK

"I GOT SUSPENDED" WAS SOMETHING YOU MIGHT SHARE?

OKAY, I WILL SHARE THIS: MISS LUNT IS A FASCIST.

WHY COULDN'T HAVE CALLED HER THAT?

INSTEAD OF... YOU KNOW.

WELL, I NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE AT MY OLD SCHOOL.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS BOUGHT THE INDOOR POOL.

IT DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A SPA. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

WHATEVER. LOOK, MISS LUNT IS EXPECTING AN APOLOGY.

YOU AND I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT DOWN IN HER OFFICE AT 3:00 TOMORROW.

GREAT. YOU LET ME KNOW HOW THAT GOES.

LENNOX, UNTIL YOU TALK TO HER YOU CAN'T GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

OH WELL, GUESS I'M NOT GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

THIS IS YOUR EDUCATION. NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT!

- ( doorbell rings ) - OH, THAT'S MY DATE! OOH!

I HAVE MORE TO SAY.

YOU JUST STAY RIGHT THERE. STAY.

OH, GROSS.

I WAS EXPECTING MY DATE.

I'LL BE QUICK. I WAS A JACKASS DOWN AT CITY HALL

AND I NEVER SHOULD'VE CRASHED YOUR MEETING

ASKING WHERE YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW WAS. THAT WAS WRONG.

I JUST WANTED TO COME HERE AND SAY THAT I'M SORRY.

BOLIVIA! LEWIS IS IN BOLIVIA, ISN'T HE?

- YOU JUST FLINCHED. - I FLINCHED BECAUSE YOU SHOUTED "BOLIVIA."

OKAY, PEOPLE IN BOLIVIA FLINCHED.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL HE IS!

NOW GET LOST AND LEAVE ME AL... HI, GRIFFIN.

HEY, DON'T YOU LOOK NICE AND SMELL HANDSOME.

- WHO'S THIS GUY? - OH, NO GUY.

I'M A... ( grunts )

LOOK, GRIFFIN,

I KNOW YOU'VE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THIS DATE

AND SO HAVE I. I MEAN, LOOK.

- RIGHT? - ( chuckles )

BUT I HAVE A NIECE IN CRISIS,

AND I REALLY WANT TO GO ON THIS DATE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH HER

AND I SO WANT TO BE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU BUT...

MAN, YOU SMELL GREAT. LOOK, I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS DATE,

I JUST CAN'T GO ON IT. SO LET ME DO THIS.

THERE. THAT SHOULD HOLD YOU FOR A FEW WEEKS.

MAYBE MORE. WE JUST DON'T KNOW.

( clears throat ) WOW.

THAT'S A WHOLE BUCKET OF CRAZY.

HI, RHONDA. I KNOW I'M LATE. REALLY? THAT LATE?

YES, I FILLED OUT THE PAPERWORK FOR THE NANNY AGENCY.

IT'S RIGHT HERE. NO KIDDING, I'M LATE?

YOU SHOULD'VE SAID THAT BEFORE.

( doorbell rings )

OH, DEAR GOD.

RELAX. IT'S A HAPPY VISIT TODAY.

- MAY I? - NO.

SO I FOUND THE CITY BUDGET ONLINE LAST NIGHT

AND I WENT THROUGH IT. HERE'S A THOUGHT:

THE CASH IN THE GENERAL FUND THAT'S JUST SITTING THERE...

HIRE ME AND I'LL DOUBLE YOUR RATE OF RETURN.

THAT WAY YOU'LL HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR SMALLER CLASS SIZES

AND EXTRA GARBAGE PICK-UPS AND PIE FOR EVERYONE.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT PLAN AND I'D SIGN UP IMMEDIATELY

IF YOU WEREN'T A COMPLETE LUNATIC.

JOSEPH LONGO IS NOT A LUNATIC.

JOE LONGO? YOU'RE JOE LONGO?

YOU RAN LEWIS'S COMMODITIES DIVISION.

- YOU MADE HIM MILLIONS. - LEGITIMATE MILLIONS, YEAH.

THAT YOUR BASTARD BROTHER-IN-LAW PISSED AWAY!

SORRY, HAPPY VISIT.

YEAH, YOU WENT ALL "BOLIVIA" THERE FOR A MINUTE.

YEAH YEAH. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MAYBE YOU COULD GET ME A JOB DOWNTOWN?

THERE'S A HIRING FREEZE.

I'M REALLY SORRY YOU LOST YOUR JOB.

YEAH, THAT'S OLD NEWS. YESTERDAY I LOST MY CONDO.

YEAH, WELL, I REALLY NEED...

AND NOW... NOW THEY'RE ABOUT TO REPOSSESS MY CAR.

OH OH, BUT HERE... HERE IS THE MORNING'S BIG HEADLINE:

THE ADORABLE MRS. LONGO HAS DECAMPED TO HER MOTHER'S HOUSE.

( chuckles ) GOD.

I'M REALLY GONNA MISS THAT CAR.

HOW CAN I PUT THIS NICELY? I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS.

- SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA HELP ME? - DO YOU LIVE IN MY DISTRICT?

NOW THAT I'M LIVING IN MY CAR, YEAH.

LOOK, I'VE GOT MEETINGS, A TRASH REVOLT, A KID ON THE BRINK

AND I'M IN DESPERATE NEED OF PROFESSIONAL HELP.

FOR THE HOUSEHOLD, NOT ME.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND ANYBODY THIS WAY.

THIS SALARY SUCKS.

IT'S LIVE-IN. IT INCLUDES MEALS...

WHICH SHE'LL BE COOKING BECAUSE OTHERWISE PEOPLE WILL STARVE.

SHE? IT HAS TO BE A WOMAN?

ONLY VAGINO-AMERICANS NEED APPLY?

PERSONAL QUESTION: DID YOUR HAIR GET SICK OF YOU AND LEAVE?

THIS IS A CHOICE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK.

WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S A LOW-BALL OFFER, ALL RIGHT?

SO COME ON, WHAT'S... WHAT'S YOUR TOP NUMBER THERE?

- THAT IS MY TOP NUMBER. - ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT A DEAL, BUT I CAN'T START TILL MONDAY.

- WHO OFFERED YOU A JOB? - ALL RIGHT, I CAN START TODAY.

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO MOVE A FEW THINGS AROUND.

MOSTLY, MY CAR. TUESDAY IS STREET CLEANING, ISN'T IT?

YOU DO KNOW WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A NANNY HERE, RIGHT?

THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED. YOU EVER WORK WITH KIDS?

ARE YOU KIDDING? RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE I RAN A YOUTH CENTER DOWNTOWN.

I WAS IN CHARGE OF 50 TEENAGERS...

COOKED 'EM MEALS, HELPED 'EM WITH THEIR HOMEWORK.

I WAS CHARLES FRICKIN' IN CHARGE.

YEAH, YOU'RE PERFECT. THERE'S ONE LITTLE DETAIL:

I DON'T REALLY LIKE YOU.

( door opens )

YOU KNOW THAT SCHOOL BUS? NOT RUNNING TODAY.

JACKSON STREET'S BLOCKED BECAUSE OF SOME KIND OF GARBAGE PROTEST.

CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!

OH, I MEAN, GOLLY, TOUGH BREAK.

OKAY I'LL TAKE YOU. I'LL JUST MISS MY MEETING.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE WE NEED THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

NO NO NO NO, YOU'LL MAKE YOUR MEETING. I'LL TAKE HIM.

- HEY, I'M JOE. - HI.

SEE THAT PORSCHE OUT THERE? YEAH, IT'S MINE...

FOR 10 MORE DAYS.

- SWEET. - I DON'T KNOW ABOUT...

OH, SCREW IT. BUCKLE UP!

ISN'T THAT THE CUTE YELLING GUY FROM YESTERDAY?

YEAH, HE'S A HOMELESS COMMODITIES TRADER.

HE'S TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS. HOW HIGH DO I SOUND RIGHT NOW?

RHONDA, BOTTOM LINE: SHE SOUNDS GREAT.

THE PERFECT NANNY.

YOU WERE RIGHT. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.

WHAT, THE COMMODITIES TRADER?

NO, HE'S JUST TEMPORARY.

AND HE'S NOT CUTE.

NO, HE'S NOT. HE HAS NO HAIR.

OKAY, BEFORE WE PULL THE NANNY TRIGGER,

- WHEN DO I INTERVIEW THIS LADY? - HELLO

- UH, HOLD ON A SEC. - HEY, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING:

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME ANYBODY DID ANY THE LAUNDRY IN THIS HOUSEHOLD?

- YOU PEOPLE LIVE LIKE PIGS. - THESE ARE MY DELICATES!

HOW DID YOU GET MY DELICATES? WERE YOU IN MY ROOM?

( chuckles ) YEAH.

- PULL THE TRIGGER. - HEY, JOE, YOU WERE RIGHT.

I SHOULD HAVE THAT SANDWICH NOW.

- HEY, MEL. - ALL RIGHT, GET BACK UP THERE!

WHAT IS HE DOING HOME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?

- HIS HISTORY PAPER. - WHAT?!

WOW. ALL RIGHT, PACK THE VEINS BACK IN YOUR FOREHEAD.

I TOOK THE KID TO SCHOOL, RIGHT,

AND HE TELLS ME HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS HISTORY PAPER.

SO WE DRIVE BACK HERE TO GET IT

AND THEN HE TELLS ME HE DIDN'T EXACTLY WRITE IT.

AND I SAID, "WELL, YOU'D BETTER EXACTLY WRITE IT BECAUSE IT'S DUE TODAY."

SO HE'S UP THERE WRITING IT NOW.

AND HE DOESN'T COME OUT UNTIL IT'S DONE. HUH?

NOW THAT'S... THAT'S NANNYING.

YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME?

YOU DON'T BRING A KID HOME WHO HASN'T DONE HIS WORK.

YOU LEAVE HIM AT SCHOOL TO GET YELLED AT, WHICH IS WHAT HE'S GOT COMING!

WHAT KIND OF RULES ARE THOSE?

THE RULES THAT EVERYBODY KNOWS!

I'M SOMEBODY. I NEVER HEARD THEM.

LENNOX, YOU READY?! TIME TO GO!

- SHE'S NOT HERE. - WHERE IS SHE?

- YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH HER. - YOU NEVER SAID THAT.

BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS. THE GIRL GOT SUSPENDED!

SHE'S GONE. SHE DITCHED THE MEETING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.

I JUST SAID YOU WERE RIGHT. THAT WAS A COMPLIMENT!

OKAY, SHE HAS THREE PLACES SHE USUALLY GOES AFTER SCHOOL.

- I'LL JUST... I'LL START THERE. - YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU?

YES. PLEASE DO... NOTHING.

I'M OKAY!

( laptop chimes )

I CAN WORK WITH THIS KID.

WOW.

IS THIS WHERE YOU COME FOR YOUR ADOLESCENT BROODING?

YOU COME UP HERE TO TURN ME IN?

THAT'S NOT REALLY MY STYLE.

WHAT IS YOUR STYLE?

OUTLAW. CAST OUT BY THE POWER BROKERS.

FORCED TO LIVE A LIFE IN THE SHADOWS.

OH, KIND OF LIKE BATMAN

IF HE'D BEEN DEMOTED TO A NANNY.

NICE.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE AT A MEETING

AT YOUR PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW?

WHY SHOULD I? CRAP GOES ON THERE ALL THE TIME.

MISS LUNT FIRES THE MUSIC TEACHER,

COMPLETELY GETS RID OF THE BAND

AND EVERYBODY'S AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I'M TIRED OF LIFE BEING UNFAIR.

HOW ABOUT FOR ONCE IT JUST BE FAIR?

I'D BE UPSET TOO IF MY MOM AND DAD BAILED ON ME.

I'M TALKING ABOUT MISS LUNT.

IF YOU SAY SO.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I DON'T.

WHAT I REALLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU IS

WHY YOU'RE TAKING THIS ALL OUT ON YOUR AUNT,

BECAUSE SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON WHO HASN'T BAILED ON YOU.

LOOK, I KNOW SHE CAN GET A LITTLE SKITZY AT TIMES...

ALL TIMES...

BUT SINCE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT FAIR,

DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S FAIR THAT SHE HAS TO GO DOWN TO YOUR SCHOOL ALL ALONE

AND EAT YOUR BIG BOWL OF STINK FOR SOMETHING THAT SHE DIDN'T DO?

"BIG BOWL OF STINK"? WHAT IS THAT?

YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'VE EATEN ONE.

ANY SIGN OF OUR LENNOX?

OH, MISS LUNT, LOOK. I KNOW WHAT LENNOX DID WAS BAD...

OKAY, REALLY REALLY BAD...

BUT IF ANY KID HAS THE RIGHT TO BE UPSET ABOUT WHAT LIFE'S HANDED HER...

LOOK, I'M NOT TRYING TO EXCUSE LENNOX.

I'M JUST SAYING IF I WAS LENNOX,

I'D PROBABLY WOULD HAVE DONE WORSE BY NOW.

IN FACT, I DID.

THIS IS POINTLESS WITHOUT LENNOX.

WHY DON'T WE JUST RESCHEDULE?

YOU THINK YOU COULD MANAGE TO FIND HER BY, SAY, TOMORROW AFTERNOON?

OH, TOMORROW'S CITY COUNCIL SESSIONS ALL DAY.

BUT WE TAKE LUNCH 12:00 TO 1:00. I DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU...

MISS BURKE, PARENTING DOESN'T FIT

INTO NICE LITTLE SCHEDULE BOXES.

IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL TO LOOK NOT JUST AT WHAT LENNOX IS DOING,

- BUT AT THE JOB YOU'RE DOING. - SHE'S DOING OKAY.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER DAY WITH THE POEM.

AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THE STUFF THAT I SAID.

I WAS MAD,

AND APPARENTLY NOT REALLY AT YOU.

BUT THERE'S NO NEED TO BLAME MY AUNT.

SHE'S BEEN GETTING ENOUGH OF THAT FROM ME.

AT LEAST SHE'S TRYING. OKAY, WHATEVER.

LET'S JUST GET TO THE STINK-EATING PART.

THE WHAT-EATING PART?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

HERE'S A THOUGHT, MY HIP YOUNG BROTHER-MAN:

TRY LOOSENING UP YOUR YOUR KNEES A LITTLE BIT.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HEY, I HEARD ABOUT ALL THE CRAP YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH.

YOU KNOW, WITH YOUR WIFE, GOING BROKE,

LOSING YOUR CAR, YOUR CONDO.

I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU EVEN WALK?

OH, SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO...

NO NO NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M AWARE THAT MY LIFE IS AN ABYSS OF INKY-BLACK DESPAIR.

THANKS FOR THE PEP TALK.

HEY, COULD YOU SHOW ME HOW TO DO THAT?

ONLY IF YOU TAPED IT. I HAVE NO IDEA.

- ( door closes ) - Mel: RYDER! JOE!

OH, YOUR MOM'S HOME.

I'M SORRY. YOUR... YOUR AUNT.

I... I MEANT YOUR AUNT.

- HEY. - SO I ATE MY WHOLE BIG BOWL OF STINK.

- WHOO! - I EVEN WENT BACK FOR SECONDS,

SO I'M GONNA GO BRUSH MY TEETH NOW.

AH! HANDS.

IT WAS YOU?

YOU TALKED HER INTO GOING DOWN THERE.

HOW DID YOU TALK HER INTO GOING DOWN THERE?

PEOPLE LIKE ME.

- NO, REALLY. - I PAID HER 50 BUCKS.

A BRIBE?! THAT'S TERRIBLE!

NOT ONLY IS THAT WRONG, THAT'S HORRIBLE PARENTING!

WELL, I'M NOT A PARENT AND NEITHER ARE YOU.

- CAN I HAVE 50 BUCKS? - Both: NO.

RELAX, ALL RIGHT? I WROTE LENNOX A PERSONAL CHECK.

BOING.

ANOTHER VERY VALUABLE LIFE LESSON.

SO IS THIS HOW YOU RAN YOUR YOUTH CENTER RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE?

OH PLEASE, THERE WAS NO YOUTH CENTER.

CAN I SPEAK TO YOU IN THE OTHER ROOM?

- NICE KNOWING YOU. - OH, I'LL BE FINE.

YOU LIE, YOU BRIBE.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WON'T DO?

WINDOWS. ( laughs )

LOOK, BURKE,

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT HERE.

I MAY HAVE PLAYED IT FAST AND LOOSE,

BUT LENNOX APOLOGIZED TO THAT LUNT WOMAN, RIGHT?

YES. YES, SHE DID.

SHE ALSO, AS IT HAPPENS,

SAID A FEW NICE THINGS ABOUT ME...

IN FRONT OF ME.

IT'S FIRST TIME SINCE SHE'S BEEN HERE.

FRANKLY, IT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY.

OH MY GOD, YOU DIDN'T PAY HER TO DO THAT TOO, DID YOU?

NO, SHE GAVE YOU THAT ONE FREE OF CHARGE.

ALTHOUGH IT MAY BE MY MERE PRESENCE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD

THAT'S SORT OF SEAMLESSLY PULLING EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

HMM. YEAH, LET'S BELIEVE THAT.

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.

A REGENCY NANNIES CALLED.

THEY SAID MRS. DIETRICH IS AVAILABLE

AND THAT SHE'LL BE HERE 8:00 A.M. TOMORROW MORNING.

YOU DIDN'T THINK I COULD HANDLE THIS, DID YOU?

TO BE HONEST, NO.

NOT UNTIL YOU...

PULLED ALL THAT

COMPETENCE OUT OF YOUR ASS.

SO IS THIS OFFICIAL NOW?

BECAUSE IF NOT, I CAN JUST...

HOP IN MY HOUSE AND DRIVE AWAY.

YEAH. LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.

HOW BAD COULD YOU BE?

YOU'LL FIND OUT, WON'T YOU?

SO HOW'D YOUR DATE GO THAT LASTED TILL 3:00 FRICKIN' A.M.?

LEAVE ME ALONE, MOM. IT'S NOT A SCHOOL NIGHT.

AND HE WAS CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM. GOD!

WOW. I JUST REALIZED

I'VE NEVER HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH MY OWN MOM.

I'D COME IN AT 3:00 A.M. AND SHE'D SEND ME BACK OUT FOR GIN.

SO HOW'D THE KIDS GET TO BED?

RYDER KNOCKED OUT ABOUT 11:00

- AND LENNOX WAS 1:30. - 1:30?!

ALL RIGHT, SHE JUST GOT IN BED NOW WHEN SHE HEARD THE CAR PULL UP.

BUT SHE'S CAUGHT UP ON BIO AND MATH.

AND THE FIFTH SEASON OF "LOST."

- ( trash can rattles ) - Man: GARBAGE DELIVERY, COUNCIL BABE!

THAT DOES IT!

HEY, BUTT-FACE, DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING?!

- ( thuds ) - ( tires screech )

- Man: HEY! - ( car door opens )

HOLY NUTS, THAT GUY'S HUGE.

HEY, MEL. MEL, THIS GU...

I'M NOT KIDDING. THIS GUY'S HUGE, MEL.

( theme music playing )