Original subtitles

No! No!

- Thirty seconds. - No! No! I'm not doing this!

Perry! Just breathe with me. Just relax and breathe in.

Out.

Good. Good.

You're doing great.

Slow in...

And out. So good.

Okay. Safe and sound.

Fifteen seconds.

- No! I can't do this! I won't! - Relax and breathe!

I'm not relaxing, and I'm not jumping!

You promised me.

On the ground! I promised you on the ground!

- You promised me in the bed. - Which is on the ground!

- Trust me! You're gonna love it! - Oh.

It's now or never!

It's never!

It's now!

Jj

I'm coming!

Hold on!

Perry! Perry, I'm coming!

I've got you!

I've got you!

- Relax! - Relax?!

Ten miles up in the air, are you crazy?!

- But I-I know... - But nothing!

You're insane and I'm insane for being with you!

- Okay. What are you saying? - I'm saying,

that if by some miracle I'm not a pancake in the next 30 seconds, we're done!

Wait, are you breaking up with me?

Yes, you freakin' maniac!

Fine! Pull your ripcord, then.

With pleasure!

Goodbye!

Help me, Jessie! Help me! Help me! Help me!

I got you, let me flip it.

All right, hold on!

I love you forever.

This is my perfect moment.

My man, my love.

- My ass! - I just saved you,

and you're still breaking up with me?

It's not a good time.

Who cares, you psycho!

This was supposed to be an adventure!

Just get me to the ground as fast as possible, so I can be done with you!

- Really? - Really!

Okay.

You crazy bitch!

I ook out!

I'm sorry! Watch out!

On!

Everybody good? Everybody good?

I'm so sorry! I know how you must feel.

I work on weddings sometimes.

Gget out of here!

It's a beautiful wedding.

I-I would love to get that dress cleaned for you!

Get out of here!

It's okay, honey.

You've ruined my wedding!

For god's sake, who are you?

Take this and go! Go!

Gget out of here!

J there goes the bride I

j dressed in muddy white j

wedding trasher!

- Get out of here! - Get out of here!

Wedding trasher!

You ruined this for me!

J you think that we could be j

j perfect in love? I

j if you do you're utterly totally, perfectly wrong &

j love is perfect, love is pure &

j we screw it up, that's for sure j

j don't blame love j

j the blame is on us j

okay, folks. The moment you've all been waiting for!

The historical, hysterical, completely inaccurate captain ritchie duck tour!

Listen, it's gonna be a blast.

And if you don't have fun, uh, tough beans, because you already paid,

and it's impossible to get a refund.

High five! Boom! Pound it out.

- Boom! There you go. - Good looking out.

Wait a minute!

I did not know the miss America pageant was in town.

- You're fresh. - Well, thank you for noticing.

The secret to that is showering monthly, exercising never, and drinking a bunch.

Wow, it's working.

Though you may wanna revisit that shower schedule.

Like what, once every two months?

That's what I was thinking, like the water conservation thing.

- Yeah. - You're nasty. I like it.

Glass slipper.

Cinderella's my favorite character.

- Where's the other one? - Prince charming has it.

And where is he?

Hmm, that's the question, isn't it?

Uh! Make room for cinderella and her not ugly stepsisters!

Come on in.

Dressed for the cause, I like the suit. I like it.

Oh, and the purple brings out your eyes.

J don't blame love j

j don't blame love j

j blame us j

Jj

Oh, god, sorry. Are you okay?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm so sorry, that was totally my fault.

Bloody scooters!

- Are you Lawrence Phillips? - Yes, I am.

Um, I-I've had your food at a wedding.

- Oh, good. - It was... it was incredible.

Yeah, I'm glad you survived.

I want you to cater my wedding. I...

No, I'm booked years in advance.

Oh, no, I mean, I'm not even engaged. It's okay.

My-my last boyfriend dropped me.

I dropped him, actually, into a lake.

Into a lake? So, I got off relatively lightly this morning.

I am sorry. It was... it was really nice to meet you.

I could say it was fun bumping into you,

but I'd be stretching the truth. Have a great day.

Oh, god.

Jj

Hi. Sorry, I'm a fraction late.

I literally ran into Lawrence Phillips, who's-who's just so...

- Uptight? - Precise.

- Crabby and anal. - A perfectionist.

- An ocd pain in the ass. - The best in the city.

I guess, I was thinking more like famous.

I'm the groom. Hi, I'm Robert.

And our next mayor. Jessie english.

It's an honor. I mailed my ballot in yesterday,

so, you're winning one to nothing.

Well, if you've voted for me then I'm voting for me.

I'm Liz. I'm the bride. And this is Lucifer.

Bev, Robert's campaign manager, and we are on a schedule.

I'm Jimmy, the not famous barton.

The black sheep barton.

- Nice to meet you, too. - You, too.

I'm late for an important date, so I'm gone.

Thank you, again, for the best man thing. It means a lot.

Absolute...

- Uy. - I won't let you down.

Oh!

- Sorry about that. - Go-go-go-go.

- 1 got it. - Thank you. Thank you.

- My brother. - At least we know you're gonna win.

- How? - Every successful politician

has that train-wreck brother.

Do you have anything nice to say about anyone?

- Yes. - Who?

- Me. I think I'm terrific. - Right.

Uh, I-I got a call about a wedding...

So, Robert, this is the girl who planned the wedding

- that Diane raved about. - Oh!

Oh, you mean my cousin Tina's wedding.

I didn't plan-plan that. I just did it as a favor.

Okay, well, I saw the photos and it was beautiful.

Thanks. So, I'm here about the florist job?

Ah, no, you're not. So, we have a florist,

we need a planner, and the wedding is in eight days.

Sorry, eight days?

Amazing. Are you pregnant?

No, no, we've had this scheduled for a year.

- We've just had some... - Firings.

- Yeah, and some... - Quittings.

- Disagreements. - Fifth time's a charm.

I would be the-the fifth?

We-we have a few different points of view about the wedding.

Hey, this should be simple. You two love each other, right?

Yes.

So, what's the problem?

What's your favorite kind of music?

I love classical.

- Lovely, so Mozart's "wedding march." - I'm rock and roll.

Queen. "Crazy little thing called love."

- I want it traditional. - Classic, elegant.

And I want it short. Just, like, bullshit, bullshit.

I do. I do. Let's just get to the party.

Rad. So, young, fresh, modern...

So completely un-newsworthy. You have to think of press and TV.

No offense, but zero percent of my friends

read the society pages or watch the local news.

But if your candidate could throw a knockout party,

it will be instagrammed, texted, tweeted, YouTube'd, tiktok'ed.

Robert barton is... He's cool. He's relatable.

- Robert, what do you think? - I think you should go with Lawrence.

And you're not Robert.

Wait, Lawrence Phillips wants to do it?

Hey, as much as I would love to have this job, get him.

- I'll bus the tables. - I just... I don't feel like...

- What was your name again? - Jessie english.

Oh, I'll be right back. Excuse me.

Don't I recognize you from somewhere?

Uh, maybe.

You're the wedding trasher, aren't you?

- Yep. - You were with that anchorman.

Yeah. I-l ruined that, and somebody's wedding.

Thank you for coming, you're out.

Well, thank you. Thanks for the time.

Now we're off to a meeting with the lobster guild.

Okay. So, can you start right now?

You really want her?

We're in trouble. Okay? I mean, Diane said she's great.

She's here. She has a pulse. Yeah, I want her.

Fine. You're hired. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you.

- Thank you. - Hold what?

- Nothing. - Not nothing.

- Welcome aboard. - You won't regret this.

Let's hope not.

- Amazing. - I know, it's gonna be great.

Okay, so, come on, we have like a thousand things to do.

Yes, tell me everything.

Jj

As there will be extensive press coverage, TV, print, and the Internet,

everyone will arrive in limos.

I'm an environmentalist. I hate this limo crap.

Is that other one yours?

- Yep. - Tell him to take the day off.

Hey!

- Zero emissions. - Very nice.

- Gainsborough street, please. - Whoa. A celebrity.

- Ha, ha, very funny. - Wedding trasher.

- Okay. We gotta go. - Do me a favor?

Just sit still and try not to trash my cab.

What is he saying?

He thinks I'm some kind of famous person. It's so much easier if I just say yes.

Jj

All right. So, this how we're gonna do it on the duck tour.

We're gonna do a little thing called the quack, quack.

Now, my command is, "what it do?"

And after I say, "what it do?" You say...

Quack, quack!

There we go. High five.

All right. What it do?

Quack, quack.

Just cinderella... what'd it do?

- Quack, quack. - Ooh, nice.

The very first lighthouse was built in 1717 in the Boston harbor,

making it the oldest erection in the nation.

That is if you don't count Larry king.

Boom! Nailed it!

Hmm.

- Randall? - Yes, sir?

Measure.

Eleven and a half.

- Who? - Juan.

Juan?

- Yes, sir? - Eleven and a half.

- No. I... - Yes.

And it's not as if you've slightly missed by a 1/32 or even a 1/16,

but a full half inch.

I could see it the moment I came in.

The entire room was out of balance.

You're off crystal.

Re-measure all his tables and put him on salads.

Half an inch, god!

Lawrence!

What are you two doing here?

- Saying hi. - This is gorgeous.

Yes, well, gorgeous is what we do, but I'm right in the middle...

Of an unhappy life?

We were in the neighborhood, wanted to say hi to the genius.

Yeah, well, yes, hi and goodbye.

What, you don't have a moment for your best friends?

Not right now.

Looks pretty good.

- "Pretty good" could get you fired. - Oh, well, I meant...

I frankly don't care what you meant.

The centerpiece table is the signature creation

of every Lawrence Phillips event.

And "pretty good" is not in our lexicon.

We start at perfect and we ascend from there.

Gonna run one thing by you, and we're gone.

You haven't had a date since Beth died.

- Five years ago. - You're miserable.

- And lonely. - Yes, thank you,

Dr. and Mrs. Phil, but in six hours' time, I have 500 people descending on...

- We fixed a lunch for you. - What?

A blind date.

- Steve, this is not the right moment. - It's never the right moment with you.

So, we thought we'd surprise you with a dating intervention.

She's age appropriate,

- charming and beautiful. - Oh, stop it. This is not funny.

I would never dream of going on a blind date.

I hate surprises of any kind.

- That's too bad. - Why?

Because your blind date is right now.

- Sara! - No. No, no.

Okay.

Adios.

- No, look... I can't! - Good luck!

Ah! An!

Oh! Oh, dear. I...

- Are you completely... - Blind? Yes.

I... I just, I don't know.

I mean, I came here to meet a Lawrence, but instead I...

- Yes, I'm Lawrence. - Oh.

Oh, my dear. Oh, god. So, you're my-my date. I'm Sara.

Lawrence Phillips.

Did they not tell you about me?

They mentioned a blind date.

Well, I think the politically correct term is "visually impaired" date.

- Sorry. - So, is lunch still on?

I do apologize, but I'm under savage pressure here today.

- But I promise, we will lunch... - Oh, yeah.

In the future under slightly less...

Hectic circumstances.

Now, if I may escort you out?

- Oh, yeah, okay. - Ah!

Be careful now. Easy, Teddy, easy.

Easy. That-a boy.

He can't be any worse at aiming me than you are.

Your laugh has something about it. It sounds rusty.

- How do you mean? - It sounds like you don't do it enough.

- Ah, well... - Is that it?

Oh, we're fine.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

- There's a taxi for you. - No, really, I'm fine.

- No. I insist. - Seriously...

It's no problem at all.

But I apologize. It's just, you catch me at a busy time.

Are you handsome?

No, I'm ancient.

- What time are you done tonight? - Oh, very late. About 11.

Oh, that's not late, that's early. Here.

We could have a drink, or something.

It's, uh, it's in braille.

It's on the other side here. No, that side. Yes.

- I will call you. - I will answer.

Did you just wave?

- I did not. - Yes, you did.

I did.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, my goodness, Teddy.

Calm down! Calm down!

All right, take it easy!

Let's just try to get through this.

I'm Eddie stone, and you've accidentally tuned in to crash couples,

a so called game show based on love, relationships, dating,

and a whole bunch of other crap that nobody cares about.

We have whittled down 3 thousand contestants

to these nervous twits who are standing here wetting themselves.

Tonight, we'll find out who will make up the four couples

who will compete for one million dollars!

The other 12 losers will...

Can I have Nick Matthews?

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Nick, nobody wants to see anold guyon TV.

Me, yes. You, no.

I don't even know how you got this far. You're out.

Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!

Let's speed this up.

Taylor, Molly, Howard, Kenny, Elana...

You are out!

Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!

You know the old saying, opposites attract?

Bs. I think opposites actually hate each other.

I et's find out. Where is Sharon?

- Ah! - Oh! Whoa!

Does that say Sharon or Shaq?

- Sharon. - All right, fine.

Sharon, your opposite is verne.

Yeah, verne! Where's verne?

Where...

Oh-ho, Jack and the beanstalk.

And we have Gianna and Donald.

Where are you? Oh.

Gianna and...

Ho, he's got the right to bear arms.

Very nice. Good luck to the two of you.

All right, next, habib and David.

How the heck did we end up with two guys? Who's in charge of this show?

- You are. - I... what?

I... all right.

Screw it. You guys are together. See how this works out.

And our last couple.

Svetlana, 28 years old, Russian and an attorney and a hottie.

- Am I allowed to say, hottie? - No.

You're a hottie.

Whoever gets her is the luckiest guy on the planet.

Dream on, loser. I got this one.

- Your mate is named... - Jimmy barton!

- Here he is! - Ha-ha!

Jimmy barton.

People often say that they're attached to each other.

So, we at crash couples thought,

what would happen if they were actually attached?

Ta-da!

Lock 'em up! Then you'll stay together

until you can't take it anymore, for whatever crazy reason.

And when you finally decide to break the link...

Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!

So, Shaq, what do you think?

I'm game.

And you, shorty, how can I help you out?

Take it easy, Eddie. I got this Amazon.

Oh, he's got this Amazon.

Bring me a stepladder and some bungee cords.

There you have it,

the four couples who will compete for one million dollars.

Actually, you know what? Why don't we stop here and get a coffee real quick?

- Sure. - Yeah.

- Oh, look, she didn't trash my cab. - Shut it!

Uh, so, I'll need a contact for the florist and the band.

Yes. Florist, yes. We don't have a band yet,

- but we have to talk about it. - Jessie. Oh, my god!

Wow! Hi, hi. This is my cousin, Tina, who we...

Ohl - and, and this is Liz.

Wait, hi. I just saw the photos from your wedding

and it was, like, amazing.

Yeah. Well, that's thanks to Jessie.

Oh, I just helped out, really.

Bull. She did the whole thing.

Yeah. That's what I heard. And now she's planning mine.

- What? That's great! Congratulations. - Thank you.

- Come sit with us. - No,

- we kind of have a scheduled fitting... - No, we're cool.

- And the thing. - Yeah, we're good.

- What was your name? - It's Meg.

Meg, okay. Liz. Nice to meet you, too.

Hey, guys, you want some drinks?

A Margarita patron, salt, rocks.

Okay. I'm sorry, are you...?

Yes. It's me. The wedding trasher.

We can sit in the back if that's easier for you.

Ah, no, I was just gonna see if you guys wanted some menus.

- Uh, yeah. Menus would be good. - Okay.

Okay. I've heard "wedding trasher" twice now.

You're gonna have to forgive my cousin. She's...

- Aggressive? - Mm, more like competitive.

- She's super competitive. - Can't lose.

- To anyone. - Ever.

Which is why she's working on weddings instead of getting married herself.

- Mm-hmm. And... - Makes sense.

- You have to see this. - No-no-no!

Hold on.

This has over seven and a half million views.

Wait for it. Yeah.

No...

- Oh! - Oh, my!

Walt, is that Perry Blake?

- Mm-hmm. - Yep, right there.

You dropped the channel seven news anchorman into a lake?

Is he gonna sue you?

I'm pretty sure my legal responsibility ended

once I granted his request to return him to the ground

- as soon as possible. - Oh, Jessie!

But I am, now and forever, the wedding trasher.

- So, uh... so, I'm just gonna... - Wait, where are you going?

- I'm just gonna go. - What?

I know you don't need me or my bad press.

- What are you... - So, I'm gonna make it simple.

No, no, I think that's funny.

Okay, you're an ass-kicker. Just kick ass for me. Just...

I don't know, pretend my wedding is a guy, or something.

I'm serious. Sit down.

- Seriously, it's gonna be fine. - Welcome back.

In the meantime, let's maybe replay that?

Oh, god!

I will pay extra for you to do that at my wedding.

Do it in slo-mo.

All right. So, that ends this edition

of the "why book the duck tour and drag me along."

So now, I get to drag her to Fenway park tonight.

- What it do? - Quack, quack.

You were doing it great all morning and now you're messing it up.

What it do?

- Quack, quack! - Yes!

Okay. Everyone get off. Leave, it's over.

Uh, cinderella. Not you.

I need one more dance before midnight.

Oh, captain, you're so funny!

- Yeah. Thank you. - I just wanna...

Excuse me. Sorry, comin' through.

Whoa, one second.

Let me just see.

Excuse me. Captain ritchie?

- Just ritchie. - Hi, I'm Gail lovejoy.

I'm a reporter from whgh channel seven.

I just took my parents on your tour, and we really enjoyed it.

Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you for coming.

I would love to do a local color piece on you.

Listen, sounds great, but I'm not sure how funny I'd be right now.

Oh, it wouldn't be today.

Here, I'll give you my card.

So, just give me a call and we'll set up a time.

- All right. Thank you. - Thanks.

Okay, folks.

Who's ready for the historical, hysterical,

completely inaccurate, but who cares about facts anyway,

captain ritchie duck tour? Come on, step right up.

Ah.

That's gonna take some getting used to.

Yes. Come.

That way? Okay.

Wait, hold on.

Okay. Ow!

Wait... ah! Thank you.

What?

We're not here. We're with the show.

Just be natural. We're not here.

- How does this... - No, just... not here.

Jj

- I got it. - Thank you.

After you.

On! Ah.

Oh, boy. Can I...

Sorry. I got it.

Ah, you're wondering about this.

It's a, uh, love chain.

Newest thing. We can't be apart. And the video crew...

- We're not here. - They're not here.

- I'll have a beer and Svetlana... - Vodka.

So, Svetlana, tell me about you. Where did you go to law school?

- Harvard. - I went to Harvard.

I meant the university of Yale.

Excuse me. Natasha! It's Bert!

I'm no Natasha.

It's Bert, from Saturday night?

- Wrong person. - You're not Natasha?

Well, you must have a twin, then.

No twin. Goodbye.

All right, well, have a good night.

So, what kind of law do you practice?

Thank you! Thank you!

We're gonna take a short beer break and then a piss break.

And another beer break.

Jj

- Hey! - Come here, baby.

You killed it! Oh!

- Hey, mack. - Yo!

Somebody I want you to meet, yoni.

- Hi. - Oh, hey.

- Yoni. - Mack.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

How do you guys know each other?

We met in New York.

Oh, when you went three months ago?

Like four and a half.

Wait, you guys want some beer?

- Yeah, that'd be great. - Yes, thank you.

She's cute. Is her name really yoni?

- Yes. - Like the...

She's a performance artist.

How long have you guys been seeing each other?

Uh, kinda since New York, yeah.

I mean, I don't wanna sound like a chick or anything,

- but if I was banging a girl... - Uh, we're not just banging.

Is it serious?

Maybe.

- Congrats, dude, that's awesome. - Thank you.

Yeah. Is it odd you didn't tell me?

No.

- Here. - Thank you.

- You're welcome. - Thank you. Cheers.

- Cheers, guys. - Cheers.

Could you do the walk one more time?

- What? - We didn't get it.

I thought this was a reality show?

- It is, completely real. - So, why do we need to...

Could you do the walk up just one more time?

- Okay. Again. - Thank you.

Jj

There's my baby boy.

What a nice dog.

Don't mind him.

His bite is worse than his bark.

You mean his bark is worse than his bite?

No, his bite is worse.

So, how are we going to organize the sleeping?

We lie down, we shutting our eyes and be sleeping.

Svetlana, you are amazingly beautiful.

- Thank you. - Can I pee somewhere?

Okay.

Okay. Oh, uh...

Oh. Oh, uh...

Can I just get a little bit of privacy?

Why? Do you think I never before seen peeing?

No, it's not that. Of course...

I've seen bigger ones and littler ones.

- Ah, thank you. - You brush your teeth?

Ah, I didn't get a brush. I'll get one in the morning.

Here.

- No, that's okay. - I'm no sick.

It's not that. I just...

- Don't be pussy. - Okay.

Good.

- Hello. - It's me.

- It's eleven o'clock. - Wow!

What?

Well, Jody never told me you were so punctual.

- Well, it's a bit late. - And?

I've had a long day,

and, um, I'm not my best at this time of night.

Um, I think if we're gonna get together, I should be at my best.

Oh, so you're saving the worst for the last?

Well, yeah, you could say that.

- So, you're bailing on me? - No! Not... I'm not...

- You're jilting me? - No, I'm not jilting...

No, you're stiffing me. You're ghosting me.

- You're wimping out, whatever. - It's late. I'm tired.

Best I call you tomorrow and make a date then.

Well, don't call too early, because, you know, I do have archery class.

Hal

was that a "ha?"

- Um, yeah, it was. - Oh, no, listen. Listen, very carefully.

Find another "ha," put the two together, and you got yourself a laugh.

Very funny. Yeah. I'll practice that.

Okay.

So, what time should I call you?

- Oh, 10:36. - Oh!

I think I'm busy at 10:36, but...

I might have a gap at 10:37.

Yeah. Ha!

Olga!

- Shit! - What?

- Quick! - Olga!

Coming!

What? Why are you doing that?

- Open the door! - Coming! I'm coming!

- Ow! - Open the door!

Coming!

Olga, why do you not open the fucking door?

I was asleep, what you think?!

Take a pee!

Jj

What's the problem”? Who is that?!

Come here, my little pieroqi.

You're drunk. Go home.

Ah, gimme kiss.

I have no kisses for drunk people.

Kisses. Come on.

We've been over this...

Not open for business!

Please, gimme me big hug.

- You open. - It's not even open for discussion!

It wasn't history that called them the minutemen, it was their wives.

Are you a Yankees fan?

What's the difference between a yankee and a baby?

A baby stops crying after a while.

Boom! Got him!

Oh, Victor, Victor, left, left, left, left.

Um, sorry about that, I thought I saw someone I knew.

Um, well, actually, I have a question.

Have-have any of you seen, um...

A girl with a-a glass slipper tattoo on her neck?

Asking because sh-she actually did one of my tours, and...

She was... she was real magical. She had a wonderful smile.

She's about this tall.

She left... left this.

All right, um, so, yes, if you see the tavern over there,

uh, Betty Ross actually drew

the first image of the American flag on a cocktail napkin. What!

Jimmy...

Ah! What?

It's safe.

- He's gone? - Yes. Come out.

Who the hell was that?

- Nobody. - Nobody?

- Nobody. - Is that a wig?

- No, it's my hair. - But you're a brunette.

No, that is wig. That's classier for the TV show.

Ooh.

- You have a roommate? - No.

You have to be at work today?

No, maybe tonight, later.

You have night court?

No, I haven't been to that one since last year.

What kind of law do you practice again?

No practice. I was arrested.

- For what? - Dancing.

- You're a dancer? - Yes.

- Ballet? - No.

- Broadway? - Exotic.

- Stripper? - Exotic.

- So, you're not Svetlana? - Just for the TV show.

Of course, for the dancing.

And you're blonde, not a brunette.

Not a lawyer, but a stripper, and zhopa is your pimp.

Do not say that. I am a dancer, not a hooker.

I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure it out.

Zhopa is managing club where I'm working. He's dangerous person.

Zhopa mafia?

No. Yes.

Perfect.

We cannot let him knowing about this.

- Or he'll kill you? - Us.

Olga.

Olga, did you ever consider the very slight possibility

that he might find out about us

when the show goes on television all over America?!

- No. - I'm getting out of here.

I am so screwed. What were you thinking?

I was thinking that I winning the money and escaping away. A million dollars.

Maybe you no needing it, but I am! I am!

I need it too, badly. I'm a gambler.

I owe some bad guys some very large amounts of money.

And if I don't get it, I'm dead. So, if I quit, they kill me.

And if I stay, your guy kills me.

Jj

Yes?

Hi.

- Can I help you? - I-I'm Jessie.

I-I ran into you, yesterday, out in front of the church.

Oh. Yes, how could I forget?

Must be the concussion.

Yeah, I am really sorry about that. Are you okay?

Still alive. Hanging on by my fingernails.

So, I'm the new planner for Liz and Robert's wedding.

What? You?!

I did tell them you should do it.

Yeah, well, I should. But I'm not.

So, how can I help you?

Well, I'm-I'm very glad to hear there's no hard feelings.

I didn't say that.

So, I ran into a couple of slight hiccups with your floor plan for the reception.

No worries. I redrew it.

Why? It's perfect.

Perfect, except there wasn't room for the band.

Well, there is no band.

There's a band.

No, my dear.

There is not a band, there's a string quartet.

- Oh. - There, in the corner.

Not anymore, it moved to the church for the ceremony.

Because?

Because there's a band, per the bride, for the reception.

It's-it's on a big stage, and there was no room for the stage.

So, the answer was really simple.

I just shifted the tables, slid the bar, and finally got rid of that big thingy.

- Um... - That big thingy

is the centerpiece table.

Right, it-it was blocking everybody's view. So...

No, no, no, that is my signature.

What if we move it to the entrance so that everyone sees it as they come in?

My dear, listen. Since this is your first,

and surely your last opportunity to be a wedding planner,

why don't you keep your amateur ideas to yourself

and let the professionals do it?

The layout is perfect. We're not gonna change anything.

We'll have no stage, and the centerpiece will stay exactly where it should be,

in... the... center.

Well, I just came from them, and this is what they want.

Yeah.

You just run along, I'll talk to Robert.

Okay, I know you are a big famous deal, and I am new at this.

However, this wedding is not about me. It's certainly not about you.

Our job here is to give the bride and groom what they truly want.

And if what they truly want

is a Buddhist monk on a trapeze singing "stairway to heaven,"

then that is what they should get. It's their day.

- No, don't get hysterical. - Really?!

Hysterical?

That-that's what this looks like to you, is hysterical?

Why? Because I'm a girl?

I-I-i don't get hysterical, and I don't lose, ever.

So.

I'm gonna make this work.

If you would like to work with me on it, that would be great.

Otherwise, it's gonna be so much easier

now that I have figured out precisely where you can shove your centerpiece.

It opens in.

That was my second option.

Wait! Wait.

Let me have another look at your plan.

Give it up. Give it up. Give it up.

J the sign said danger, beware of thin ice j

j so I walked out and closed my eyes j

I safe and warm on the shoreline j

j so why did I walk out on thin ice? J

j is that cracking I hear? J

j is it drowning I fear? J

make a right turn now.

Good. Good.

- I've got the door for you. - Oh, sorry. Thank you so much. Oh!

J I could really get killed j

j I'm almost certain that I'll fall through j

oh! Oh, my! I... oh.

Oh, my...

Ah. So.

Lawrence! Oh, god. Thank goodness.

Thank god, at least I wrecked the right office.

It's only a couple of lamps.

Yeah, I... oh!

Oh! Ah.

- And a painting. - You'd think that Teddy and I

would be better at this, but oh, no, we just...

We just keep banging into things. But honestly, I will pay for this.

No, no, no. Nothing's broken.

Too many lamps anyway.

So, I wasn't expecting you. What are you...

Well, 10:37, it came and went.

And then 10:38. So, you know what I did? I brought us lunch.

Oh, god! I was supposed to call you.

- That's right. You forgot. - I'm...

I never forget anything.

Well, I don't think you can ever say that again, can you?

I'm so angry at myself.

Isn't that my role as the victim, here?

Yes, well, yeah. Yes, you should be angry, too.

I was.

But then, I did destroy your office, so we're even.

Yes. I suppose we are.

So we could either, I don't know, eat here,

or we could eat outside in the park.

Well, I think it might be safer in the park.

You're funny.

Jj

What is this?

- Hang on. You guys wait outside. - Can't do that.

Ah, I got a shrink appointment here.

- Could you just wait outside? - Ah, no.

Look, this is private, personal. And my doctor is very strict.

If I miss my appointment, I'll lose my slot.

- Just give me an hour. - No.

- Are you kidding me? - No.

This contract that you signed

gives us complete and total 24-hour access to your life

for the duration of the show.

If at any point you deny us that access, I have the right and the obligation

to set off the alarm, thereby terminating your participation

in any and all future episodes of crash couples.

Okay. Good. Great, fine. Let's go.

I can explain.

- Hello... what's this? - I can explain.

Have you forgotten about our boundary rules?

- And you, who are you, sir? - We're not here.

- Hiya. - This is highly irregular.

Dr. offerman, they're fine.

I'm involved in this project, so, normal session.

No secrets. Please. Let's just get going.

No secrets. Fine.

So, last week was clearly revealing.

- How much you pay him? - Uh, 700. Can we...

- A month? - An hour.

- Fifty minutes, actually. - What? That's crazy!

My girlfriend hooker gets only 350, and she will screw you for the whole hour!

This is a bad idea. Doctor, I'll see you next week.

Ah, textbook avoidance.

Clearly, you're resisting examining

why you chose to bring a woman of this type here today.

What you mean by that?

We've been exploring Jimmy's sexuality issues.

- This is not... - Sit, Jimmy.

He doesn't having any issues.

Oh, I beg to differ.

There are numerous signs

pointing to Jimmy's desire to explore his feminine side.

What?! Now, I'm thinking that you're the mental case here.

You are hardly qualified.

I'm no qualified? I am stripper.

I can tell if guy is straight or homo, when he pull into the parking lot.

- Please, let's just... - I know these things.

Now, let's get out of here.

You might examining why you sucking so hard on that pipe?

And don't try to charging Jimmy for this hour.

Wow. You stood up for me.

Of course. You're a good man. He's doctor bullshit.

No one ever stands up for me.

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.

Last night, when you and that guy were bouncing a lot,

- were you... - Oh. Were we doing it?

No, never. He can no do it.

He just hugging and breathing a lot and falling a-sleeping.

- Oh, okay. Good. - Why?

Nothing. I-i-l just... nothing.

- Hey, boss. - Yeah?

Olga.

Stop!

- What? - Zhopa.

- What's going on? - Ah. Oh!

- Oh! - What the fuck is this?

- I can explain! - Get in the car!

What is this?

= I-i-i-1... Shut up! Get in the car!

- Stop that filming! - We're not actually here.

Let's go!

You didn't cut the camera, did you?

- No way! - Great. Let's follow 'em.

You're quiet. You all right?

Oh, yes. I'm just enjoying...

The view.

Whoa. You're sure forgetful.

And you're funny. You're changing.

Oh, no-no-no, don't say that. I hate change.

Change is horrible. I don't know why everybody loves change.

How so? I don't understand.

I mean, everything. Take the telephone.

A hundred years ago, Alexander Graham bell invented it

and it worked fine for all those years.

- You pick it up... - Yeah.

And you talk to whoever. You make a date.

- You go to the movies, right? - Uh-huh.

- Now... - Uh-huh, okay.

So everybody, instead of watching the movie,

they're-they're calling and texting and...

- Well... - How can that...

How can that be better, that change, huh?

Well, that's fine, but too much order and routine

and, I don't know, it's like you lose the joy of chaos and randomness.

I would have thought you hated surprises.

Quite the opposite. You know what?

They make me... They make me feel... alive.

I love it.

- Are you taking my photograph? - I am.

Oh, god.

Why?

Because I'm a photographer.

How can you see what you're taking?

Well, I... of course, I don't. I shoot what I hear.

- What you hear? - Yeah.

You see, I wasn't always blind.

I was diagnosed when I was 20 with neuromyelitis optica.

And then, over the next seven years, my...

Well, my vision deteriorated to the point where now...

I can only very vaguely make out traces of color and light.

So0-so how do you see the photographs?

My friend describes each one to me. And then I choose one.

And then I record what I heard and how I felt the moment I took it.

- Hm. - Mm-hmm.

You're extraordinary.

Then the viewer walks up, presses play,

and gets to experience the moment in the different ways we both do.

Like you and I here?

Yeah. Yeah.

Like you and I here.

J maybe this time love is true j

j I can skate across with you j

j maybe this thin ice is thick enough for two j

j maybe this thin ice is thick enough for two j

this is the craziest thing that I am hearing.

And you were there the night that I was visiting her?

No. I mean, yeah. I had to.

I didn't hear anything.

You thinking I am stupid?

I was under the bed, it was muffled.

Take off the chains, kill him.

No! You can no do this!

Get off, or I kill you too.

No! This is a good man.

- Are you loving him? - No.

- Are you loving me? - Nyet! Never!

Kill them both.

Zhopa! We will losing one million dollars.

What? Say this again.

The prize is one million for the winning.

You heard of this show?

Da. On tbs, Monday nights at ten.

Funny show. Is conan's lead-in. Do I kill him?

No. We are partners now.

I am getting 60 percent of yours monies, and 80 percent of yours.

Eighty? What? That's a terrible deal!

You not dying, and making a $100,000 is great deal.

Well, you've got a gun to my head. Literally. So, I agree.

Smart man. Now, I am figuring out how we are winning this contest.

- Go to work. - What? Stripping?

With this?

It's kinky. You make more monies. Leave me alone.

These modified world war il amphibious vehicles

are a delightful must for all tourists.

The past and present of American history

are brought to life by conductors like captain Richie.

Interesting fact, because part of the Boston harbor has been filled in,

the actual site of the Boston tea party is right over there.

And now it's a Starbucks.

Captain Richie has been giving

hysterical historical tours for over ten years.

My jokes are older than most of these buildings.

So after all these years of making people happy,

Richie fell in love with one of his passengers.

Instant, lightning bolt love.

But there's a problem.

I don't know who or where she is.

Since they met, he's been searching for his cinderella.

The only clue is that she has a tattoo of a glass slipper on her neck.

More than likely, she's a tourist who's gone back home,

never knowing that her true love could be right here.

Hmm. Aww. That's so sad.

Maybe not, because we're romantics, here at seven.

We love lovers.

So this Saturday, we're riding with ritchie

to the nashua park steps on the Charles river.

So, if you're cinderella, or if you know her,

please come join us at five o'clock to meet your prince charming.

Thanks, Gail.

And in baseball, the sox had a big day.

Billy gersh is here with highlights.

- What do you think? - They're great!

- Right? Best bar band in town. - Yeah.

I ove 'em!

Thank you, thank you, guys. We'll be back in ten.

More like 15.

- Hey. Hi, I'm Jessie. - Mack.

I, uh... I've been watching you guys for years.

- I love the band. - Thank you. Thank you.

Um, my friend Liz at the bar over there is getting married soon,

and we were hoping to hire you guys to play the wedding.

Oh, we don't play weddings.

Well, it's really not a wedding, per se.

It's a crazy party after a wedding.

Yeah, we-we don't do wedding parties, either.

Yeah, he's just saying that because he knows

he looks like a dork in a powder blue tuxedo.

We just don't play wedding songs like "celebration."

Cool, I get why weddings could seem beneath you,

- or cheesy or Tom Jones-y. - Mm-hmm.

But this one is very different.

Uh-huh. Why?

Well, firstly, it's gonna be like, "oh, my god! Last night was crazy!

How did I wake up in Canada?”

"Where did I get this alligator?"

"The only thing I remember is that band was amaze-balls."

And secondly, while I personally love the song "celebration,"

uh, you don't have to play it.

Listen, it's... It is my first gig as a wedding planner.

So, it has to be perfect. And your band is beyond perfect.

So, you guys pretty much have to do it

under the universal laws of love and romance.

Universal law.

- Yeah. - Okay, uh...

Hold on.

- I will arm-wrestle you for a yes. - You'll-you'll what?

You're bigger than me, come on.

Look at those biceps. Seriously.

I win, I get a yes. You pin me, I walk.

Let you enjoy your evening.

I can't say yes without my partner.

Talk to your partner... What about your mommy?

Come on, you big baby.

All right. All right.

Okay.

One, two, three, go!

- Damn, you're strong. - I really need a yes.

- I really wanna give you that yes, but... - You don't have a choice.

Ah! Whoo!

All right. No, I made a bet and I lost it.

Listen, this is my guitar arm. It has superpowers. It's not fair.

Thank you for your consideration.

- Did you get 'em? - Not happening.

It's okay, we'll get somebody better.

- I thought they were the best. - They are.

I told you not to hire me.

Okay. Well, here, these were to celebrate our new band,

but now we'll just have to celebrate your firing.

Oh, great. Cheers to that.

Come on. Let's go find a new band.

Ah, I guess. I just...

I don't know a single musician that would take that gig, that's all.

Look, if it's that big of a deal, it could be good for the band.

- We don't do weddings. - But this is different.

Oh, my god. Mack, at a wedding no one cares who the band is.

Everyone's drunk and they wanna dance.

And they're gonna ask for "celebration” until you play it.

And at that moment, you're officially over.

If you could just give us one second?

We've played together since high school.

That's right.

Make all our decisions, you and me, just the two of us.

She makes a good point, all right? Don't get all bent out of shape.

I'm not, I'm not. I just don't wanna miss out on an opportunity, you know?

We're kind of stuck here. We could use the money.

- That's... - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You're not doing this for that chick in there, though, right?

No.

Maybe.

All right. Cool.

Good.

And look, we're not gonna play anything from the "kool and the gang" catalog.

Relax, okay?

Jessie.

This is Jessie.

Hey-hey, it's-it's mack.

Sorry, uh, mack?

Mack, uh, from the band?

Oh! Hi. Hi.

- Sorry. Uh... - Is this a bad time?

Yeah, kinda, I...

- Well, we're in. - In?

The wedding.

Wait, really?

I mean, that... I... wow!

I-1 thought, you know, you-you won, I lost, and...

You know, only six-year-olds make career choices

based on arm-wrestling matches.

Are you calling me a six-year-old?

Yeah. But you gotta pay in dollars, not play-doh.

Okay. You drive a hard bargain, but I can arrange that.

This is fantastic. Mack, thank you so much!

You are saving my life. Seriously. I love you for this.

I have that effect on people.

Good to know. Um, well-well, great. I'll-I'll text you the details then.

- All right. Bye. - Bye.

Yes! Yes!

[ Ots of drama this week.

Two couples have already crashed and burned.

The first one seems to be kosher versus the kebab.

And they're done.

This you?

- That was not us. - Beat it!

Not you?

Okay. That was us.

Next, a truly bizarre wake-up call.

- What? - Oh, my god!

What are you wearing?!

Oh, my god, what is that? What is...

I have no idea what the hell is that.

I don't know how she got in here. I don't even know her.

- I'm a good church-going lady! - I would never wear this!

Do not push the button, I need this million!

Don't pull it! Don't pull!

No, you can't pull it!

And they're done.

Beat it! Beat jt!

- That was us. - Beat it! Beat it! Beat jt!

One of our couples actually seems to be getting along.

Whoa, the shortstop just got to second base.

But there's more. We've got a crash couples exclusive for you tonight.

The other final couple has a secret.

It turns out Svetlana is not a lawyer.

This is where she passed her bar exam.

Or should I say pole exam?

Whoo-hoo, looks like Jimmy isn't her best man.

- Okay. - He's my brother.

There's that, and there's this.

Whoop, doesn't look like he's working on his toast

for his brother Robert barton's wedding.

Oh, there's a push! And another push.

Oh! [Ook out! Look at...

Oh, there's gotta be some hair-pulling in this one.

There's the hair pull!

So, we've got the wedding trasher and now this.

- He's in the finals. That's not bad. - Oh, it's not bad, it's terrible!

Your lead has gone from seven points to four,

that falls within the statistical error range. You could lose this.

Oh, boy, here they come.

We haven't met. Hi, I'm Robert barton.

- Olga. - Not Svetlana?

It's made-up name for the privacy.

- What? No way. - What-what's goin' on?

- Nothing, I... - He's in debt and he's in troubles.

- Is this true? - Kinda, yeah.

That's touching, but you're gonna cost him the election.

Why didn't you come to me for help? What were you thinking?

I'm an idiot. I don't know.

Look, if you want me to quit the show...

- We do. - I can't!

- Why not? - Olga. I committed to her.

- What about Robert? - I'll keep it really low key.

No controversy, no strip bars.

I promise. I'll even skip your wedding.

- Not good enough. - But in the end,

it's just a game show, right? I mean, where's the negative in that?

I'm not gonna bail on my brother because of a game show.

- Bev, spin this. - What?

Look, I'm a stiff. I have no sense of humor.

Maybe that's why my numbers are down.

Make this fun. Make me fun.

- That's crazy. - Tis!

But won't it be fun?

Thank you! Thank you! Good night.

Yoni, she's killer, right?

- Yeah, she takes over, you know? - Yeah, she does.

I like it.

- What's that? - It's got your name on it.

It's our demo.

- Oh, a demo? - Mm-hmm.

- Ah, yoni wrote a song. So, we... - So, we recorded it with my band.

Ah, you guys have a band?

- Yeah. - No way.

- Ah, well, uh... not really. - Yeah.

We just put together a couple guys.

You-you put together a couple guys, and you didn't tell me about it?

We wanted to go in a different direction.

Wait, are you... are you... Are you kidding me?

Mack, chill. It's just a demo.

I am chill. But if it's just a demo, then why didn't you tell me about it, Lenny?

We didn't want you to be upset.

We? We, you two we, now?

What happened to our we?

You know what? Fine.

Fine.

We can go on jury duty now. They accept anyone.

Well, surely that's good.

It's terrible. I mean, "hey, I'm blind".

That was always my best excuse.

Ah! Ooh, god!

Oh, my goodness. Are you all right?

Yeah, I think I've cracked my kneecap.

Oh, dear, oh, god. Welcome to my world.

Do you think we could afford to have the lights on a bit?

Oh, I'm sorry. Of course. Yes.

I don't use them very often,

- but there we go. - Oh, yes.

Wow! You really look great.

Ah, here's the problem.

Coffee table. It should be more over here.

Thank you. No, no. Uh-uh.

No, out of the traffic flow, because...

No, actually, it's quite good here.

Yeah. Well, I know it's quite good here.

But I mean, it'd be much better a bit over here.

- You know what might be fun? - What?

Well, there's this ocd seminar at the convention center this weekend.

I know.

See, I'm laughing.

- Am I cured? - Far from it.

Are these your-your pictures?

Oh. Yes, yes.

It was early evening,

I heard thunder, so I started to shoot the clouds,

but just then I heard a frantic, shrill whistle.

I turned to shoot it.

It was a bicycle messenger about to hit me.

Yeah.

And the one next to it is actually after he hit me.

Oh, he doesn't... He doesn't look too happy.

- No. - And this one?

Oh, yes, the bus just missed me, but it took out a fire hydrant.

In fact, I never realized that photography was an extreme sport.

They're fantastic pictures.

You're very talented.

Thank you. Hmm.

Come here.

Oh, you wanna kiss me?

I do, in the worst way.

Well, I hope not. But let's see how it goes.

- Oh. - Mm.

Uh, what? Are you nervous?

It's been a long time.

- You're gay. - No, I'm not gay.

Then what?

It's just, I'm-I'm insecure. I haven't done this for...

But how insecure?

- Very insecure. - Oh.

- Mm. - Oh.

Oh. Ah.

Oh, Larry.

- No-nobody ever calls me Larry. - I do.

- Mmm. - Yes.

Mmm.

What're you doing? What're you doing?

I'm learning your body.

Thank god.

I promise you, I'll start... I'll start working out tomorrow.

Yeah. Start now.

Start now.

Yeah, your ex sounds incredibly flaky, how terrible for you.

But listen to me very carefully, I don't give a shit.

You were supposed to be here at four yesterday.

I waited until seven, you didn't show.

- You're harshing my vibe. - No, dude, you're harshing my vibe.

I'm about to hang up and call my caterer, Lawrence Phillips.

Yeah, that...

Goddammit!

Hello? Just... Get here before 8:00 A.M., okay?

You win. Get here at 8:00 A.M. and one second, you lose.

- Okay? Thank you. - You need some help?

Hi-ya!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, mack, I am so sorry! I...

- Are you okay? I... - I'm sorry I scared you.

I'm sorry I maimed you. Are you okay?

You're tough. I feel bad for the guy on the phone.

No, don't. It's a seated dinner.

It's a little difficult to do without chairs.

I had to elevate the threat level.

I just didn't think somebody would be eavesdropping at 6:00 A.M.

No, I got here at four. Slept in the car.

Why?

Rough night. Got into some weirdness and, uh... nothin'.

I wanted to see you. But not in a stalking way.

Lying in wait and creeping up behind me

is really the classic definition of stalker.

I had the crazy thought I could come in, and sweep you off your feet,

but you swept me off mine.

So, you owe me breakfast.

I mean, oh, okay. I...

My day is insane and just got more insane,

but, yeah. Look, give me a second, and I could definitely use a refill.

Ah.

Larry?

Larry?

On.

What... a note?

Oh, god.

I have fallen in love with the dumbest man in history.

Ah!

Ow! Shit!

On.

Okay, that barista was so judgy.

She was like, "is this your second red eye in 15 minutes?"

It's like, "oh, are you keeping score on my caffeine intake?"

Mm. Who cares?

- Oh! - Mm! So close.

- Here, gimme. - Hold this. Okay.

- Oh, wow. - Oh, yeah.

- Going for the big... - You're taking this very seriously.

- Oh! - Yes!

- Wow. Nice shot. - Here, it's easy.

- Try again. - No, thanks.

- No? - I suck at basketball

and plastic bottle into the trash-ket ball.

I'm just a musician and I'm fine with it, you know?

I don't have to make the winning shot at the buzzer every time.

I do. Every time.

With everything.

- Everything's a lot. - Yeah, it's a lot.

Mm. How many of those ones do you remember?

Hmm, definitely the ones from middle school.

Lately, just enough.

Why don't you just float on some of them

and just save your beautiful energy for the big ones?

Who are you?

What?

How do you... know me?

I don't know you, but I'd like to.

So, um, I'm just coming off of...

What I thought was me getting dumped again,

but... actually, I was more the dumper than the dumpee.

But I... I think I should take a little time

to chill and figure out the difference between...

Losing to someone and losing them.

Well, good luck with that.

I'll be watching you from my car.

- Oh, great! - If you need anything.

I have to go krav maga the table and chair rental guy.

- Oh, yeah. You go. - So.

- You go do that. - Okay.

I'll... see you soon.

It was fun.

See you later.

Are these the ones they delivered?

- Yes, sir. - Well, I'm not sure

they're gonna do a lot of...

Sara.

Give me a moment, will you?

This is a surprise!

Oh. Oh, I-I just came by so you could read this to me.

Oh, my god! I left you a note. I'm so silly.

Make sure you give it back to me, though, because I do wanna get it framed.

So, read it. Read it, please.

"Good morning, sweetheart.

I had to go to work, but I can't wait to see you later.

Kisses, Larry."

Nothing about, "I changed all the furniture in your apartment,

so, do be careful. You could get killed"?

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, yeah?

Why didn't you just move the bed next to the window

so I could plunge to my death without getting up?

I just want to make everything perfect for you.

Your perfect is just fine.

But it isn't gonna save me.

And obviously, you are too blind to see that.

Here, Teddy. Let's go, Teddy. Up, good boy.

We don't wanna bang into anything else.

I've only got one neck, after all.

Good, Teddy.

Um...

J leapt;

j before I looked j

j I never learned j

j and now I'm cooked j

j shoulda had a plan j

j shoulda up and ran j

j I got the break-up j

j the break-up blues j

I what the hell? J

I and what the heck?

I seems I can't find love j

j without risking your neck &

j probably should have known j

I now I'm all alone j

j I got the break-up j

j the break-up blues j

j 'cause I got the break-up &

j I got the break-up, oh j

j I got the break-up j

j I got the break-up j

j I got the break-up j

j the break-up blues. &

- Um, yes? Yes? - It's me.

- Who? - Larry.

- L-i really... I don't know a Larry. - Lawrence.

- Uh-huh. Oh. - Can I come up?

Well...

Certainly.

Jj

Um...

I'm sorry.

I've messed up before, and I'll probably mess up again, but...

But look, don't give up on me.

Okay.

- I got you this. - Ah?

Here.

Okay.

Hmm? Oh.

Is-is this a scarf?

It's a blindfold.

For me.

Open my eyes. Let me see what you see.

Now, here we go.

Good.

Wait, wait, wait.

No, I don't... oh, yes, I do. One, two, three, four.

- Right. Yes! - Now, follow it over.

Ah! What's that?

- No, smell it. - Oh.

Oh! Okay.

- Okay, can I go home now? - Yes.

Of course. Yes, here.

No, no. Here.

All right, all right.

Feel to your right for the railing.

- The rail... oh, wait... - Ah. Don't you go!

- Ah! No, wait! Oh, god! - Don't let go!

- Lawrence... oh! - Wait, wait, wait!

What... are you okay?

- What? - I can't, I can't, I can't!

Larry! Oh, my god! Larry! Are you okay?

Larry, Larry, don't sit.

Oh, my god.

- Oh! - Are you all right?

- I'm fine, I'm fine. - Okay.

- How long is it? - I'm here. I'm waiting.

- I'm at... I don't know. - Is this the end? Oh! Oh!

Okay, I'm here. Are you all right? Ah! Oh, my god!

No, no. No...

Piece of cake.

Okay, well, home at last. How do you feel?

Exhausted. But-but-but-but thrilling.

- I mean, I had no inkling... - Yeah.

- Of what you went through. - Oh, well...

But I think I'm pretty-pretty good at this now.

On - oh! I oh, my god! Oh!

Uh, oh. Oh, dear.

I turns out we can't be j

j perfect in love j

j 'cause love ain't perfect j

j no, not at all j

j ain't no secret, love ain't pure j

j don't wanna miss it, that's for sure j

j the other version of this song j

j turned out all wrong j

j if we don't claim love &

j the blame is on us j

come on!

I we fell in love j

I we love the fuss j

j jump together under the bus j

j if we don't claim love j

j blame us j

j if love is crazy sign me up j

j check me in and lock me up j

- j if love is blind & - Oh! Ooh!

J then take my sight j

- mm! Mm! - Is that good?

J if love is tough j&

j let's dance all night j

j if we don't claim love j

j if we don't claim love j

I the blame is on us. J

Just keep going.

- No, stop. - I was kidding. Joke.

- Hey. - Hey!

This is zhopa.

- Very nice meeting you, Mr. mayor. - Oh, well, I'm not mayor yet.

An election? We could fixing that.

Thanks, I think we're good.

- This menny. - Manny!

- Menny. - Menny.

- This Ivan. - Van!

Ivan!

Great. Nice to meet you all. We are late and we are leaving.

Jj

After you.

What the heck is this?

Ah, come on!

This is bad.

This is not good.

Okay. One of the perks about duck boating is this.

Victor, show 'em. Hey, prius, move it!

Drive it all the way forward. Thank you so much!

Trying to meet the love of my life, no big deal. Very big deal. Go! Go! Go!

Come on! There you go!

That wasn't so hard.

We're dead.

No, we're not.

Jj

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, I'm Robert barton. I'm running for mayor.

Uh, you have my vote, thank you.

But now I'm running late, so I got to go. All right?

No-no-no-no-no-no. Wait, wait, wait!

Stop, stop, stop!

You can't go! I'm late!

- For what? - I'm getting married!

I'm meeting my true love.

- We'll go with you. - What?

This is the cinderella guy.

That's TV press up there.

With this boat, we've got just enough time to go pick up his woman,

then over to your wedding, and you become the romance king of Boston.

You wanna stop being a stiff? Here's your chance.

We're gonna go with you!

Great! Welcome aboard! Let's go!

Let down the ladder. Victor, punch it!

Yes, let's go!

I love helping strangers!

All aboard, life vests on.

Who knows if this thing still floats?

I mean, it should. It's fda approved. Whatever that means.

We're heading out to sea, hang on.

I hope you can swim. I am not lifeguard certified.

Yeah.

- Put this over here? - Yep.

Hey.

- Hey! - How's it goin'?

You look amazingly calm.

Amazingly everything's going like clockwork, so...

- No glitches? - Nope. I'm a pro.

Been at this a whole eight days.

Not surprised at all.

So, uh, you maybe doin' some thinking?

Yeah, ll've been doing... doing that. Yep.

And, uh, how am I doin'?

Um...

Pretty good.

Aw, just pretty good? Come on.

Bev?

Wait, what? A duck boat?

Are you crazy? You would never make it.

Bev?

Dammit!

- Glitch? - Huge glitch.

Planning a wedding that might not have a groom.

- Son of a bitch! - What?

Lenny quit. I can't believe it!

- You're kidding, right? - No.

But I'll-I'll just call some people, okay?

- And I'll... - Not kidding.

- I'll fix... - Son of a bitch.

J if love is tough j

j let's dance all night j

I don't blame love... j

sorry, could I talk to you for one second?

Hi, I'm kind of in the middle of somethin' here.

I understand. I'm so sorry, just-just one second.

Uh, I come by here every day. I-love you, you're great.

Can you be in a band?

- Oh, I don't... - Like, right now.

Sorry, what I meant to say was, uh, right now, please.

Because two minutes ago, across the street,

at my wedding... not my wedding...

But anyway, half of our band just quit.

So, you could be the new other half, and...

Really can't let this couple down.

It just has to... It has to be their perfect day.

And-and I will carry your stuff...

I don't play in bands, I work alone.

I get that.

I know I sound crazy. I'm... I'm just desperate.

He comes, too.

I thought you only work alone?

- Well, I was wrong. - What's his name?

I don't know.

Uh, Mr. guitar man, would you care to join...

- Jordan. - Jordan in our new band?

- Happy to. Yeah. - Amazing! Okay!

Where're you off to? A gig? Need brass?

Oh, definitely.

- Can I join the parade? - Why not?

It's exactly five o'clock,

and I'm here live with our own prince charming

who's hoping to find cinderella waiting for him right here in the park.

Romance is alive and well,

and even though his own wedding is scheduled at six P.M. tonight,

Robert barton came here to be part of this.

This is what makes Boston the greatest city in the world

- and I just couldn't keep... - Let's do this.

- We're doing this. - Stay tuned.

Jj

There he is!

Oh!

Hey.

Is she here?

Who's to know? It's so crazy.

Everybody shutting up!

Thank you. Now, lining up

so that Mr. ritchie can finding his girlfriend.

Huh? Lining up, lining up. Go, go, go!

What would we do without the mafia? Thank you!

- Thank you very much. - Okay.

- Um, hi. - Hi.

How are you? Thank you. Thank you for coming.

- I love that. It's amazing. - Hi!

All right. Sorry, pal.

Um, actually, no, let me get a selfie.

My mom's never going to believe this.

Mark Wahlberg tried to win my heart.

Bam!

Thank you so much for comin'.

Thank you. All right.

You're married, you shouldn't be here. Go home.

Hey. On the six-pack, I love it.

Ah! You're about to faint for me. Okay, girl.

On the leg, no-no, it's supposed to be on the neck.

Yeah, it's okay.

Hey, how are you? Nice.

Oh. That looks real.

Oh, on your wrist. Okay.

Cool.

Hey.

She's not here.

Jj

Ladies, you are all wonderful.

If it were legal, I'd set up a cult, and I'd marry every one of you.

I'll join!

Unfortunately, we are late for a wedding.

And there's only one person that can get us to the church on time.

Me, captain ritchie. So, I have to go.

Let's go, let's go!

Bye!

Bye!

Okay. Well, tell him to floor it.

Ta-da!

(Gotcha.

- Oh, my god! - Ta-da!

Look at you! You look like a dream!

- Jessie! This is amazing! - Watch the stairs.

Oh, surprise. Yeah, zero emissions.

Well, kinda.

- Close enough. - More or less.

Okay. Here we go. Hop on.

Whoo-hoo!

Jessie, this is awesome!

You have truly created the perfect day.

Good. Okay, ready?

- Let's get you married. - Let's do it.

All right, we're ready.

Come on. Get up.

- How're you feeling? - Pretty good.

Oh, my god!

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I guess.

I mean, what happened?

- Uh, wow. - Ls... what?

Your train is wrapped around the wheel spoke.

- You got it? - No. It's stuck.

You know what? Sir, can you back up a little bit

and just see if we can get it to unwind?

Stuck. She won't move. Can't go forward or back.

- This is a disaster. - One second.

- Hey, you guys. Need some help? - Hi.

I don't know. Jessie, do you...

The wedding trasher strikes again.

Hey! That girl is my friend.

Okay? You don't talk to my friend like that.

And if you do, I will show you

the dictionary definition of the word "trasher." You get it?

- Yes, ma'am. - Apologize to her!

I'm so... I'm sorry.

Now beat it before I wrap your tricycle around your fat head!

You! Stop!

Young lady, can I count on your vote in November?

Was this on the registry?

Bev, you did it! I love you!

Ooh! And I, much to my amazement, am quite fond of you.

I've gotta go.

You are a hero. I can't thank you enough.

My pleasure, man.

I'm sorry about your girl.

She wasn't my girl. Was just, um...

Crazy love.

It's all crazy.

Look, my bride, three mafia goons,

and my brother chained to a stripper.

But in the end you got the girl.

Come with me. It's gonna be a great party.

I'm good, thank you.

Okay. Thanks again.

Hey.

Don't give up on the crazy.

That's what makes love...

Love.

I've never seen an avocado do that.

So, remember, Robert,

when you hook up to the old ball and chain, don't do it like I did.

She's got the balls, and I've got the chain.

Hey, everybody!

How we doing?

All right. Thank you all so much for coming.

This is my first wedding and hopefully my last.

Um...

And this great event was created by Jessie english.

Who, thankfully, decided not to parachute

through the top of a tent.

But seriously, Jessie, thank you so much.

Hey, what about me?

Oh, I'm sorry, and you are?

Have a good time, everybody!

Well, speaking of new marriages, "celebration!"

We don't know how to play it.

"Celebration."

What's wrong?

I ook at that.

It's perfect.

It's really not perfect.

Oh, look at the two of them.

If that's not perfect then it doesn't need to be.

You did good, kid.

- Thank you, Larry. - Oh, no. Only...

There's only one person who calls me Larry.

- Oh, really? - Oh, yeah.

If you keep up this nice guy crap, everybody's gonna call you Larry.

All right! Hold it down!

Hold it down! Hold it down! Let's just get this over with.

Final show. Crash couples.

Someone walks away with a mill, someone walks away with bupkis.

The results are in.

Tiny and Shaq have been leading the voting for the last five days.

Which means you two have been getting your asses kicked.

But...

A giant tidal wave of last minute votes produced an impossible comeback.

The winners are Jimmy and Svetlana!

That was us.