Original subtitles

What are you looking at?

What grade are you in?

Third.

At the De Amicis school?

Not De AmEEcis! It's called De Amicis!

It's really pronounced De AmEEcis.

It's De Amicis.

What's that in your ear?

Ain't you got nothin' better to do?

Sorry, there's no chocolate.

What is there?

There's vanilla, pistachio, strawberry, coffee...

mint and lemon.

CouId I have a cappuccino, please?

I'm waiting on someone.

I want chocoIate.

Let's see if there's some left.

Damn!

Son-of-a-bitch!

Come out of there!

You're a third grader, too?

Yes.

So you'll be my student.

I don't beIong to anybody.

Okay, if you prefer, I'll be your teacher.

Oh, the new one.

You've also got an earring, I see.

But isn't that what girls wear?

On the right. Guys wear it on the left.

Ah... guys.

Vincenzino, tell me what it's like in Corzano.

Corzano? Just Iook around you.

The streets are all busted.

The houses are smashed from the earthquake.

All there is is garbage and junkies' needles.

Every Sunday, you know what my father says?

"What the hell are we doing in this shit-hole?

Let's go to Naples."

So we dress up and go to Naples.

But when we come home, it's still Corzano.

See those guys there?

They're all crooks.

They think they own Corzano.

So I tell 'em...

"Keep this town, and its alleys and garbage!" Right?

Yes.

You know what else?

Talking of garbage, every morning...

my classmate, Tommasina, rolls in garbage before class.

Then she comes to school and infects us with wigs.

Wigs?

Yeah, wigs... wigs!

Oh, lice!

Excuse me!

My suitcase!

You've made a mistake! That's my suitcase!

Professor Sperelli!

I sent her. She works for the rooming house.

Bring the professor's suitcase to his room.

Take it upstairs.

The view is spectacuIar.

A nice, inexpensive room, right?

It's beautiful.

Anything you need...

just let us know.

You've brought that in. Good.

One small change, please.

Could we move the desk to have it face the light?

- Cecchina, come here. - I'll heIp.

Let's move the desk so that it faces the light.

Careful. There.

Near the wall.

One moment. There.

That's it.

I'm sorry. It's a little heavy. This way--

The bed. He's too big to pass through.

We'll move the bed.

And the bookcase?

The bed'll go here, the bookcase there.

But then his feet-- lt's bad Iuck!

My feet?

Bad luck! Are you a little...

Please, don't let the girl think that.

I've been divorced for years.

But how did you know about that?

About what?

My wife running off with the dentist.

Oh, God! I didn't mean about your wife.

You didn't?

This was for the evil eye, not your wife.

Are you superstitious?

No, not at all.

In Naples, if you sleep with your feet toward the door...

it means you'll Ieave--

Feet first.

Feet first?

Like in a coffin.

I see. I haven't learned all the local customs yet.

Michele, did you bring the mozzarella?

I don't understand what she said.

It's Aunt Esterina. She's in perfect health.

She just gets a littIe foggy sometimes.

Foggy...

Ah, Aunt Esterina, he's not Michele.

What do you mean he's not Michele?

Michele, what are you supposed to bring to your wife?

Mozzarella.

Mozzarella.

Good boy! Mozzarella!

Don't forget.

She's always dramatizing, Aunt Esterina.

Michele is dead. He dropped dead 15 years ago.

Michele's dead. Get that into your head!

Do I have to take your clothes off from your laggage?

I didn't understand, sorry.

Do I have to take your clothes off from your laggage?

No, thank you, I'll do it. You can go now.

Corzano!

Excuse me, kids. Where's the principaI?

Come in, Mr. Sperelli. I'm Mimi, the janitor.

The principal is out. It's not absenteeism. She has lots to do.

It's politics. Her husband's a councilman.

Sign here. Right here. Go on.

What is this?

It means you arrived today...

and are starting work and all that. Sign.

But this paper is blank.

I'll fill it in later, when there's time.

If you don't trust me, don't sign. Who gives a shit!

Could you give me an attendance book?

Sure! Soon as I find it. I don't see it.

I understand.

Bring it to my class, please.

We got ourselves a grouchy professor.

Look at that guy. What a nut!

This is the third grade.

Good morning, Maestro.

Good morning. But there's nobody here.

You knew the teacher was coming today, right?

Sure.

How many are in this class?

About fourteen, sixteen.

Fourteen, sixteen-- What's your name?

Rosinella.

What's your name?

I'm Marco Tulio Sperelli.

Excuse me. Who is responsibIe for getting the kids to school?

Obviously not you. I get it.

You stay here. Don't leave the classroom.

- Let's go! - What a pain!

- Where you goin'? - For a brioche.

You'll get even fatter.

You're such a ball breaker.

We'll find those kids, one by one.

- We? - Yes. Come aIong.

Mimi, where are you going? Where's my brioche?

Stay in the classroom.

Sure, but it's brioche time.

You see? I have to take care of the kids.

You also sell brioches?

Why shouldn't I?

This one is used to his morning brioche.

I have to think of the students. I have a lot to do.

Don't waste my time, Professor Sperelli.

I have a responsible position here.

I have lots to do.

Excuse me. Is she the cleaning lady?

Yes. She's also my wife.

- And she's working? - Sure, she's working!

The principal is working, you're working...

the cleaning woman works, the kids work, everyone works.

And they say in the South nobody works!

You all work frenetically here!

Who is he kidding?

Let's go. Time for school.

I'm working.

To school!

Let me go!

Don Much�, this teacher stiff s draggin' me off my gig!

You can't even speak properly. You're coming to school.

Now, where do the others work?

There's the barber.

Vincenzino, where the hell you going?

To school!

Moana's book rated every guy who slept with her.

She said De Crescenzo was the loudest.

Giuseppe Scarano?

- Come with me. - I didn't do nothin'!

- Who are you? - How dare you?

He's lathering me up. Where are you taking him?

Have you heard of compulsory schooling?

Or of child labor laws?

Don't interfere, or I'll go to the mayor.

He is the mayor.

Wait. The man is absolutely right.

With closed eyes, I didn't realize a minor lathered me up.

Shame on you for making a boy work.

You're the new teacher from up north, right?

I'm Antonio Ruoppolo, Mayor of Corzano.

Are you a third grader at De Amicis school?

- Let's go to school. - I can't! I can't!

Marlboro, Merit, Marlboro. Who smokes?

Marlboro, Merit, Marlboro. Who smokes?

Let's go. Business is closed. Off to school.

Let me go!

No stories! To school, I said!

Let me go!

I don't give a fuck about school.

I got a responsibllity. I work!

Work? You call that work? Black market cigarettes aren't work!

- He smuggles. - Fuck you. Spies!

Off to school.

Buy tangerines!

Who's this new teacher? Him?

You should be glad to go to school.

You call that a school?

It's disgusting!

It's old, broken down, with holes in the walls.

Careful. Stop. I'll let you pass.

Those guys will run you over. Let's go over here.

The boys pee in the sink...

and clog up the toilets.

The principal won't go in there.

Ah, of course.

She don't give a shit.

Hey, guys, everyone knows the real boss is Mimi, the janitor.

Yes! He's really in charge.

He's a rotten son of a con man. He's a Mafioso...

and everyone's afraid of him.

Our school is hell. It's called "Filthy De Amicis."

Poor De Amicis... filthy?

De Amicis was a great educator, a writer. He wrote "The Heart."

Let's go to school.

Let's go study.

Let's go. Here's the school.

Come here!

Toto, come here!

I'll catch you!

Why are you laughing? Let's go to school. Come on.

You all have an earring, I see.

-Did you copy from Maradona? -Maradona did copy from us.

-Don't insult Maradona. He's the best ever. -Not at all.

-He's a bad guy. He's a junky. -I'm gonna break your face!

Stop! Stop!

You go in the corner, you in that corner and face the wall.

You're starting off shamefully.

What are you doing?

I'm eating.

You ate a brioche an hour ago.

It's time for the second brioche.

A second brioche!

Put it away!

You should never overeat.

Or you'll end up like him and like the teacher.

Look at the nails. Disgusting!

Let's see them.

Rule number two: Come to class with...

clean nails.

Now...

who knows this man behind me?

- That man is a caveman, right? - Exactly.

If I lived in the Stone Age, I could club people.

They clubbed people?

Sure. They'd meet people on the street, didn't say hello.

Just pow, pow! And they'd beat them.

In those days, families always fought and they were all dirty.

They didn't wash or comb their hair or shave.

Even women didn't shave.

Do women shave now?

They shave their legs.

Even a newborn baby was a caveman right away.

They didn't have heat or television.

There was nothing for them to do...

so they drew doodles on the walls.

Doodles?

Yes, doodles.

What does that mean?

Scribbles. Nonsense. Dirty pictures.

I get it: prehistoric graffiti.

Man started to be intelligent...

but he still looked like a monkey.

When they stopped looking like monkeys, they became Egyptians.

- Teacher, can I say something? - Go ahead.

I can't tell the others. Just you.

- Why? - It's intimate and personal.

Intimate and personal.

Your nails are dirty, too.

But I won't tell anyone. I promise.

Now go back to your seat.

Look at him sleeping. School isn't for sleeping.

- What is his name? - Gennaro.

Mr. Gennaro? Wake up!

You're in school, facing your teacher.

Nice to meet you.

Stand up.

Go on out.

You'll keep standing the rest of the day...

as punishment.

Go, if you have to.

What are you doing? Oh, eating!

He's eating. Is it time for the third brioche?

Go to the blackboard. Let's see how much math you remember.

Hurry. Take the chalk.

We have to buy it from Mimi.

Chalk is school property.

Mimi, the janitor, sells it for 500 lire.

It's true.

I toId you to go. Go on.

It's the big one.

What?

The big one! Number two!

She has to poop!

Then hurry up!

I haven't got the 50 lire for toilet paper.

I'll come along.

You stay here and behave yourselves.

-The usual five sheets? -No. It's diarrhea. A flat rate.

12 sheets for 100, plus chalk, comes to 600 lire...

but you're new, so make it 500.

I'll pay 600. No flat rate.

Help!

Let's go. Hurry!

We can make it. We're almost there.

Here we are.

I'll wait out here.

Oh, God! Teacher! My zipper broke!

I can't hoId it!

Wait. If you're not ashamed, I'll help you. I won't look.

Who cares? I'm shitting in my pants!

There.

What are you doing to that girl?

I'm doing what you should be doing.

Too late!

Wait. Damn! Now please clean her up, at least.

Me?

Who else? Me?

But, Professor, if Mimi, the janitor...

didn't sell toilet paper by the piece, we'd be in deep trouble.

The State sends us nothing.

But you're perfectly right.

And thanks for gathering the kids from work.

I can't do it every day.

Sure, but it set a good example.

Let's hope so.

About the toilet paper and the chalk.

We'll write a nice letter to the Board of Education and I'll sign it.

Actually, it's better if you sign it.

You have guardian angels.

Excuse me. I don't really understand what you're saying.

Professor... Professor...

there are at Ieast 500 Neapolitan teachers...

who'd kill to have your job at De Amicis.

I'm at De Amicis, as you call it, only by accident.

It was a bureaucratic error. You understand?

My assignment was to be Corsano, near my home, not Corzano.

Corzano, Corsano, with an "S."

I knew it.

It just means your guardian angel made a small mistake.

But you have a guardian angel.

You go too far!

Relax, Sperelli. Don't get bent out of shape.

You're all red.

What's the big deal?

I mustn't get upset. Do you want me to have a premature birth?

Do you belong to the Republican Party?

Me? No! Who you think I am?

I'm sorry. That's professional deformation.

Because my husband is in politics.

There he is now.

My husband, the stud of Seville!

He's given me six kids in ten years of marriage.

Now that's fertile!

Please assure my colleagues who want my job...

that I've requested a transfer.

Within a month or six weeks...

I'll be happily back up north.

So, happily, Professor Sperelli.

You're just passing through and you want to...

fix all the troubles in the South in a few weeks...

starting with De Amicis?

Even you can't pronounce De AmEEcis properly!

Who says so?

I do. Everyone does.

No, Sperelli. Here we all say De Amicis.

Get used to it, Professor. Try to fit in.

You want to change too many things.

-Simple past of To go verb. -I know this.

-He... -He? Iss'h.

Don't tell me!

Damn! I burnt my shirt! You could tell me.

I wanted to tell you but you were like "Don't tell me" so I didn't tell you.

-I'm trying to fix it. -Is it bad?

-It's not that bad. If you want, I can sew it. -No, thanks.

I'm trying to live by myself. Then the burning goes to "that" zone. How you call that?

-O'mazz. -It goes to the "o'mazz".

I forgot! I wanted to give you a surprise, professor.

Among the papers of the old professor, I found some books about poetry from Naples.

They are amazing. Look at this one. Di Giacomo.

Oh, Salvatore Di Giacomo.

It's such a curious and amazing poetry. For example, there is one about a poo.

You have to read it. It's very funny. Even if you don't know Neapolitan.

Michele did forget Neapolitan?

Good day, Reverend.

Don Gabrielluccio, why don't you turn around?

The view is so beautifuI. There's the sea.

I've already seen it.

I understand.

"Gennarino Esposito, Composition.

"My house and discussions.

"My house is all cracked. cracked ceilings...

"cracked walls...

"cracked floors.

"Sometimes I feel cracked, too.

My mother says."

The Third World doesn't even have cracked houses.

"So we shouldn't complain.

"The Third World is more Third than us.

"At Easter time, my father brings home a lamb to slaughter.

"But we always feel sorry for it and we end up keeping it.

And then my parents fight. My mother says."

Mother of God! Another fucking lamb!

Every fucking year these lambs!

You never have the guts to slaughter them!

I'll slaughter you!

"My father is a junk man.

"Mornings he has another job. He comes back in the afternoons.

"He sleeps a little, eats...

"and collects cardboard boxes at night.

Many times I go along with him."

That's why you sleep in class...

because you work at night.

Now I feel badly.

I scolded you and made you stand up all day.

Don't worry. I can also sleep standing up.

Why are you here?

Hello.

How much do you weigh?

What? Well--

Okay, I'll tell you.

I weigh 95 kilos.

And you?

I'm a mess, too... 51 kilos.

You need to be patient.

At my age, what were you like?

Me? Like this. Look.

Like that?

Exactly.

That's even worse than Mama said.

What did Mama say?

If I keep eating like this, I'll get fat like you.

Thanks. That's really very encouraging.

Are you on any diet?

What kind of diet do you mean?

The Jockey's Diet, Scarsdale, Weight Watchers.

You're a regular diet expert!

More or less.

Do you diet?

No, because at home we eat normal.

Really?

Pasta and beans in octopus broth.

Octopus with olives and capers.

Meat soup, stew, vermicelli with garlic and oil...

pork, innards, peas, eggs.

Pizza with meatballs and sausage. Little pizzas.

Persimmons, pears, cherries, dates and melons.

I'm getting hungry.

And for desert: Baba, eclairs...

eclairs with chocolate and cream...

pastries, elephant ears, zeppole...

delicious Sicilian cannoli...

sfogliatelle, struffoll and rococo!

That would be normal meals?

Yes, but not all in one day. We'd have broken pipes.

You mean a broken esophagus.

At least you don't wear an earring.

'Course I do!

Oh, God! I was ripped off.

Wait! Come here!

Wait. You look better without the earring.

I'm talking as one who knows about such things.

Aren't you coming?

- You're going to Toto's house? - Yes, let's go.

What's wrong?

Toto thinks I'm your spy.

What do you mean, "spy"?

Do you all consider me your enemy?

- Spy! - Fuck your ancestors!

You see? Didn't I tell you?

Here's what we'll do.

Order yourself an ice cream...

and tell Vincenzino the teacher's paying.

Isn't ice cream fattening?

We'll start dieting another time.

Okay.

You're Toto's sister?

Where's your mother?

She's working.

- Your father? - Over there.

Is he Ill?

No! He's drunk.

Who are you?

I'm the teacher. And this is Toto's jacket.

Yes. Who knows who he stole it from.

Exactly.

The milk... turn it off, please.

I must discuss this boy with someone.

Talk to me.

To you? But--

I'm in charge here.

Could you pour the milk in the bottle? Otherwise it cools off.

We-- This morning Toto ran away from me...

left me holding his jacket and didn't come to school.

You realize he's a little too lively.

Lively? He's a delinquent, a good-for-nothing!

- Do you mind? - What?

Feed the baby.

Excuse me.

What a beauty!

Here, beauty.

But getting back to Toto...

I think he must return to school...

above all to get him off the street. You understand?

I don't want to undermine your authority.

I know you're in charge.

But I wouId like to speak with your father.

Right now my father's head isn't working.

Don't worry. Tomorrow morning, when he wakes up, I'll tell him.

What's wrong with the baby?

She's hungry.

Wait a minute. What's her name?

Excuse me.

What's her name?

- Nanarella. - Nanarella.

Your little sister-- Wait.

Be good.

Is her mama coming soon?

20,000 lire?

Nicola said, "The maestro is paying." It was an open order.

I said I'd pay for him, not for everyone.

Why should I be paying?

Should I be paying?

Who's the asshole buying ices for the whole third grade?

I am.

Oh, sorry.

Enjoy it.

Let him go!

What happened?

Damn your ancestors! What a mess!

Leave him alone, Salvatore. You're a drunkard!

I'll fix you!

You ain't gonna be a disgrace like me! Get it?

Get your ass in school!

You're always drunk! Always!

He won't be a disgrace like me!

Did you drink some bad wine this morning?

Get going, you disgrace!

Are you nuts? Leave the kid alone. He's not a soccer ball.

Fuck off, junk man!

Lousy manners!

Get moving!

What d'you want?

A guy's gotta be a good father!

Fuck you!

Good morning.

I said good morning.

Sit down.

Why are you still standing?

Thanks to you, I can't sit.

Good job, Maestro!

You got his ass whipped!

They sent you from the North!

You busted balls the moment you got here.

Quiet.

I don't like you.

But thanks to that whipping...

for the first time I have an almost complete class.

What's your name?

Salvatore.

No. Tell me your last name.

Salvatore.

Salvatore isn't enough. You must have a last name.

I don't remember my last name.

Gennaro's snoring.

Let him sleep. He worked all night, poor kid.

I'm going back to work tomorrow, too.

Me, too. We need the money.

You say schooI is mandatory.

They pay you to come to school. But who pays us? Nobody!

My dad's out of work.

They're all mad at you.

I know. I know.

Go to your seat.

That's enough. Let's start the lesson.

Do any of you live on a street named after a famous person?

I live on the Via Garibaldi.

Garibaldi was the hero of both worlds.

He doesn't live on Via Garibaldi.

He's slinging shit!

He's slinging what?

He's lying. He lives on Three Chicken Road.

Fine, but I want to hear about Garibaldi anyway.

Toto!

You're here?

They kicked me all the way here.

We took on that job, damn it!

Don't blame me.

Come on, shithead, walk!

Who are you?

I'm Mister Raffaele Aiello. Mark me present.

The truck's waiting. Move it!

You, stop. Stay there.

"Mark me present"?!

Come in and close the door. You've got some nerve!

I'm talking intelligently with one of my men...

and you're crushing my cantaloupes.

What did he say?

You're smashing them--

-How do you explain cantaloupes? -Balls!

How dare you? Get out!

I go when I want to go.

Out, you Illiterate!

You wouldn't dare.

You know, I spat in the other teacher's face...

but I'll smash your face into the wall!

I won't let you! You understand?

I'm sorry.

I don't know how it couId have happened...

but his face was...

so full of hatred... like an aduIt...

like a vuIgar delinquent, like--

Like a Mafioso.

That's for sure. This is the South, not Switzerland.

Kids like that force your hand.

I'm an educator.

All my life I've taught the philosophy of nonviolence.

Now I've hit an eight-year-old boy.

You must help me and report me to the School Board.

You should have me expelled, to set an example.

We'd have to report every teacher...

every mother, every father...

grandparents, uncles, one and all.

When I was young and in school...

my teacher used to hit me.

My father smacked me...

and my mother whacked all eight of us kids.

And I still turned out fine.

You turned out fine.

You turned out very badly.

I don't like you. You know why?

Because your philosophy is at the root of all that's wrong in here!

- You don't like me? - No.

I like you even less!

You're an impotent, presumptuous racist...

with friends in high places.

Oh, I'm a racist?

A racist. Underneath, you're just a racist.

This is no place for you. This is trench warfare.

It's a war here in the South. These kids have brass balls!

And the teachers should also have them.

That slap was the best thing you've done since you got here!

Now the class will respect you!

Did you like what I did?

The teacher has earned your respect.

But how? By slapping one of your classmates.

You see, you now admire me...

for something for which you should not respect me.

Because respect gained by force...

today with a slap and tomorrow...

with a revolver or a machine gun, that's not respect.

It's shame.

And it may be the cause of all the trouble in the South.

Violence is shameful in a civilized being...

especially in a teacher.

I'm going home. I don't feel well.

Anyway, I'm only here temporarily.

I don't expect to be well until I receive my transfer.

Good luck.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Here you are this half cigar.

Take it easy. You'll choke.

-Can I smoke in peace? -Smoke. Why I should give a shit?

-What's wrong with Michele? -I said, he's not Michele.

Maybe he's not Michele, but he's still pissed.

Now we do a nice lesson of Neapolitan. I guess you'll laugh a lot.

-No, thanks. Neapolitan doesn't interest me anymore. -Oh, I'm sorry.

Have you really decided to Ieave?

Yes.

The doorbell. Who could it be at this hour? Excuse me.

Go ahead.

Michele...

excuse me.

Are you angry with me?

Certainly not.

I'm a little distracted.

It's your student's mother. Should I throw her out?

Professor, I'm Raffaele Aiello's mama.

I have to talk to that person. Excuse me.

Mrs. Aiello?

Please, sit down.

Watch the baby.

Do you realize?

- What? - In our house.

What?

He's bringing women to his room!

I'm very sorry about hitting your son this morning.

I'm 45 years oId.

My husband was crippled in a shootout with customs offlcers.

I have four kids.

The oldest is called Rosario.

You know where he was until last week?

At Filangeri.

The correctional institution.

But I was happier knowing he was there...

because there he wouldn't get shot.

Raffaele is the second...

and he's following the same road.

When I heard...

that you picked up the kids house to house...

I thanked the Holy Mother.

Now I hear you're abandoning the school.

No, no. Absolutely no.

For me, you're the last hope.

I brought you a basket of eggs.

You think life is like this? A step forward, a step back?

Life is a ball breaker, my dear.

Is he coming?

Go see. Run!

He said he won't come, and he won't come.

- He's here! - Sit and be quiet!

Good morning, Maestro.

Sit down.

As you see, I'm feeling better and I've come back.

Let's forget what happened yesterday.

But I see that someone didn't forget.

I'm happy to see that RaffaeIe is also in class today.

This object, which is meant...

as a vendetta against me...

is human excrement in a cylindrical and squashed shape.

It is an important part of the life cycIe...

just like butterflies, flowers, twinkles and stars.

Feces...

have inspired many jokes and amusing stories.

They've also inspired famous writers and poets...

like Dante, Boccaccio and other Neapolitan writers.

I'd like to read you something from this book.

Listen to these grandiose verses.

"Shit...

"On the street, by the sun's ray lit...

"A fly sings you a lullaby...

"So sleep in peace...

Oh, noble shit."

Are you talking to me?

No.

"To the Board of Education.

"I, Marco Tulio Sperelli...

"am hereby withdrawing my request for a transfer.

"I wish to remain in my current position...

"as third-grade instructor...

at De Amicis in Corzano, Naples. "

"Rain. My composition.

"If Jesus didn't send rain, there would be problems.

"The plants would droop, the trees wouId wilt...

"the earth would be parched, animals wouId croak.

I'd croak and so would everybody else."

A shit-load of dead stuff.

"Water is God's gift, but in Calabria it doesn't rain in the season."

Which season?

- The season. - There are four seasons.

Yes. Autumn, winter, spring and the season.

You mean summer. Why do you call it "the season"?

Because it's the nicest. Not nasty like now.

You don't know whether to take a walk outdoors or inside.

Winter's okay for the rich, but for the poor, it's awful.

She doesn't give a fuck. Her house has heat!

Is it my fault that my father works...

and that I'm a material girl?

In the season, my father puts his clothes in the fridge...

so they smell fresh.

Be brave, Nicola. Off with the pants!

Have some pity!

Yesterday, did you really...

buy a stereo cassette pIayer in Naples?

How did you know?

And instead of the stereo, you found a brick in the box?

Two bricks.

They made a fool of you!

How could you let them?

Even the Japanese don't fall for that!

Not even the Germans.

Not even the Milanese!

That's just about everyone.

Even the janitor?

Sit down.

- What'll you do? - How do you mean?

You should get back at him!

Should I tell the police?

What would you do?

No, wait a minute.

Talk one at a time!

I'd say, "I'll kick your whore mother!"

I'd tell that shithead, "Fuck your dead ancestors!"

"Your old lady does it with dogs!" I'd say.

I'd bang his head 50 times!

I'd stick it up his ass!

And up his mother's twat!

Oh, my God!

I'd crack his fat ass.

I'd grab him and say, "Your mother is a fart jockey!"

- Enough! - Then I'd sing:

"Your father's ass smells like a zoo.

"Your sister's tits need glue.

"Sailors pay a buck to give your mama a screw.

Cops like her, too. Their balls turn blue."

Enough vulgarities.

We'll continue our lesson.

How many months are there in each season?

January, February and March, but not all, and December...

are winter months.

Some of March, Aprll, May and some of June...

are spring months.

Some of June, July, August and some of September...

are summer months, and all the rest are autumn.

Which month you prefer, Lucetta?

I prefer January because the Epiphany comes, plus my birthday.

I prefer February because Carnival comes.

I prefer March because Spring comes.

I prefer April because Easter comes.

Nothing about May.

I prefer June because Summer comes.

I prefer July because I go on vacation.

Nothing about August.

I prefer September because the soccer season starts.

Nothing about October and November. I like December because Christmas comes.

January is cold, February is cold, March is crazy, April is hot, May is hot

June is hot, July is very hot, August is very very hot, September is cool, October...

Professor, she'll talk forever!

It's ten after one!

Why didn't the bell ring?

Professor, I'm starving!

All right, put away your books.

- What are we waiting for? - The bell.

- Where's the janitor? - On the phone, as usual.

Is it raining?

A drizzle.

A drizzle.

Let's go before it starts to pour.

Not before Mimi rings the bell.

It's 1:15. The kids are hungry. ShouId I ring the bell?

You'll have to deal with that maniac!

No problem.

Go ahead.

Go on. Leave.

Let's go, too.

Excuse me.

Stop! Stop! Where are you going? Who dared do this?

Who rang the bell? Come right back inside!

Nobody leaves this school before I ring the bell.

I'm in charge. Who was it? Who dared to ring the bell?

I did. So what?

Oh, yeah? I knew it, Professor! This is my job.

You're the teacher. You teach! Come on. Everybody inside!

He insulted you! Call him a fart jockey!

Why didn't you ring the bell on time?

Why? Because, that's why!

Inside, kid!

- Call him a fart jockey! - Say it!

Enough clowning around. Let's go.

You're making trouble!

Wait. Excuse me. What's going on?

This man is upsetting the discipline...

and he doesn't respect my position.

Enough of this nonsense.

Madame Principal, permit us to leave.

You stop the nonsense, Sperelli.

No Northerner is gonna tell me what to do!

Call him a fart jockey!

Will you call him a fart jockey?

I'll teach this fart jockey teacher a lesson!

You see?

He got you!

I goofed!

"SwitzerIand."

She wrote a composition about Switzerland.

Her Uncle Pasquale came from there.

"Switzerland faces Switzerland, Italy, Germany...

"Switzerland and Austria.

"Switzerland sells weapons to the whole world...

"so they can kill each other off.

"But the Swiss won't even fight a small war.

"They use that money to build banks...

"but not good banks.

"Banks for bad guys and for druggies.

"Sicilian and Chinese delinquents...

"deposit millions in there.

"The police go and say, 'Whose money is this?'

"The bank says: 'That's our fucking business.

The bank is closed!"'

"But it isn't closed.

"It's open.

"In Naples, if you have cancer, you die.

"But if you go to Switzerland, you die later or you might live.

"Their hospitals are the most beautiful.

"Carpets, flowers, polished stairs...

"not even one rat.

It's so expensive that only crooks can afford to go there."

End of composition.

That composition's really dangerous.

If the immigration people hear it, they'll deport us.

This is her first Christmas.

She's beautiful.

- How's her fever? - It's gone.

What did she have?

Nothing. A touch of measles.

What's your temperature?

102. Put it there, please.

What did that baby have?

A touch of measles.

Esterina, it's not carnival time.

It's New Year's Eve, and the professor is sick.

Let's bring him chamomile tea, and then we'll ceIebrate.

"Tommasina Rocco. Composition.'Being Sick.

"When I get sick, it's trouble for the whole house.

The doctor who visits me isn't too good."

Let's hope the turd knows what he's doing.

"'Let's hope the turd knows what he's doing'...

"says my father.

"But he doesn't know and gives me the wrong medicine.

"Often he mistakes one sickness for another...

"and after five or six days, I'm as sick as before...

if not worse. "

To the souls of all your dead ancestors!

I should spit in Dr. Nicolella's face!

"The first doctor is called Dr. Nicolilla.

"The second one is Dr. Arnone and he gets 100,000 lire.

"My father hasn't got the money for the second doctor...

"and has to go into debt.

"When the second doctor arrives...

"he's not like the first one...

"who acts without knowing anything.

"The whole family trembles. Giuseppe pees.

"The doctor says nothing.

"Nothing. He examines me quietly.

"He is very tall.

"He seems dead. When he talks...

"he scares the shit out of me.

"But he always guesses the right illness.

"When he leaves...

"my father curses the Madonna and breaks everything.

And I cry in bed because it's all my fault. "

Very good, Tommasina!

Dr. Nicolella. Dear God!

I'm sorry to call you so late.

A high fever.

It's probably a touch of the measles.

Good evening.

- You're Doctor-- - Nicolella, at your service.

What happened? What's wrong?

What's going on?

Call Giovanni. Tell him they arrested me. I need a lawyer.

Damn it!

That's my brother, assholes!

Buy mimosas! It's March 8!

Let me have four more, please.

Four more.

For Lucietta...

for Flora...

Tommasina...

Rosinella.

Thank you.

I brought these to celebrate March 8, Ladies' Day.

You're whistling? You know why we celebrate Ladies' Day?

I think women shouId be equal to men.

Otherwise it's not fair.

They're equal on March 8.

Only on March 8?

No, not you! Today you and I are dieting.

We'll eat again tomorrow afternoon. All right?

Mother of God!

Be brave.

Please, one at a time.

Take it easy.

Salvatore, at least today, tell me your last name.

Salvatore.

Not your first name. Tell me your last name.

I've been asking you for four months--

Where's the last pastry?

- Huh? - No "Huh"!

Put it back.

Confiscated!

Nobody gets it now.

Back to your seats.

Let's talk a little more seriously about Ladies' Day.

The womans day is also the mothers day?

-The mother in my family is a seriuos matter. She's more than a woman. -What do you mean?

-She's a mammal. -What? -A mammal. Thats why she's called mamma.

So lets' talk about this mammal.

When we are babies she produces milk. When we grow up she quits, but if another baby comes she starts again.

So according to you all boils down to a big dairy.

My mama doesn't produce milk. She doesn't make up, doesn't go to the hairdresser. She cuts her hair at home.

My neighbour comes to cut her hair.

And when she wants to keep apart with dad she wears her best cloth.

Oh mama mama mama

-Do you know why my heart is beating? I've seen Maradona. -Stop!

You bring women flowers, but you don't like women.

I don't?

You're unmarried. You have no chlldren.

So, you must be a faggot.

What?

Faggot!

He's no faggot.

How dare you!

Why get mad? What's the big deal?

My uncle in NapIes is a fag. He's very nice.

I'm sure he is.

I'm straight, and I am married.

Oh, you see? He's married.

And where's your wife?

My wife left.

Sure, because you're a faggot!

No, because we're divorced.

She had a problem. She always wanted to be right.

Let's drop the subject...

and get back to our lesson.

You have two hours to write your answers.

Now...

A woman... Are you writing this?

...goes to the market.

She has 10,000 lire.

- You're flnished already? - Yes.

Can I ask you an intimate and confidential question?

Certainly.

If someone is divorced, can he remarry?

Yes.

All right, the two hours are up.

Please turn in your exercise books.

Recess time.

Don't get the wrong idea.

Let's split it and not tell.

That's Raffaele on the scooter. Look how reckless!

Raffaele!

Stop being reckless!

Raffaele, riding a horse--

Are you idiots? When he's killed himself, will you be happy?

Whose bike?

His jailbird brother owned it. He'd mug people with it.

What a delinquent. A bike, muggings, drugs, jail, cemetery!

A great career!

Why is it that in Naples lately, that's all you ever see on TV?

Once I watched a Madonna concert.

Then the TV broke, and I never got to see it.

Thinking about it makes me crazy.

I don't mean TV shows. I mean news programs.

My father aIways watches dinnertime news.

Pasta, trouble! Dessert, trouble!

When my father sees the word "Naples," he says...

"Be quiet. Let's see what new trouble there is.

Because they write 'Naples' just to tell us about troubles."

What you call troubles is peopIe getting killed on the street.

We in Corzano are better off.

We only have 8 deaths a year.

Well, then we can rest easy.

My grandma lives in Salvatore. It's like a war zone there.

They'll kill you for anything there.

Why do you think these things happen?

The Mafia and drugs!

Ah, the Mafia and drugs.

It's a painful subject, but let's talk about it.

What do you know about drugs?

First it makes you happy. Then you become an idiot.

One gram costs 10 million.

But all druggies are poor, so they steal...

and mug people...

and kill their parents.

You see lots of rainbow-colored butterflies...

and you want to fly.

Then it's gone, and you only see Corzano.

What's going on? The motorbike broke. Please stop.

Hold it! I said stop!

Well, what happened?

I'm out of gas.

Will the bike fit on the roof?

Sure.

- Sorry. - Don't worry about it.

Or are you ashamed to ride with us?

I had business in NapIes.

It's okay.

Queen Maria Carolina was the sister of Marie Antoinette.

You remember Marie Antoinette?

The one in the French RevoIution.

They chopped off her head.

- They were right! - They were jeaIous, like you.

You think the French RevoIution was caused only by jealousy?

And because Queen Marie Antoinette had a good life.

She got up at five past noon...

had breakfast with cappuccino and cake...

washed her face, nails and the bidet...

and bought loads of dresses and jewelry.

So people got mad.

She got on all their nerves.

So they started the French Revolution.

They pummeled each other and spat in each others' faces.

Then they invented the guillotine...

and chopped off everyone's head.

Chop, chop, chop!

I know everyone says it's wrong...

but it's right: men are not equal.

Some are handsome, some ugly, some tall, some short.

Some are smart; some are dopes. There's real men and shitheads.

And there are different nationalities.

For instance, I hate the Germans...

'cause they're always starting wars.

I hate the British...

because they think they're better than anybody.

I hate the French...

because they're always making wine wars against us.

So you hate just about everybody.

I only like Italy. Actually, just half of it.

I hate Northerners because they treat us like animals.

Yes, like animals.

If someone drops a piece of paper in Milan...

they say he's from Naples, without knowing if he is.

I know he's from Naples, but how do they know?

Now, my dear Neapolitans...

you'll pick up all the litter and cans.

Otherwise I'll hate you all.

You drop it off in the trash.

Then we all agree.

During the Easter vacation, I want you each to...

write a composition about any parable you choose.

Raffaele, come here.

- Why don't you write one too? - No.

Go on... just to see how you write.

Ya got here and now you're in my face.

I don't understand. That's Arabic.

You're being too pushy.

He should write about the parable of the lost sheep.

Shithead! Write about lost sheep yasself.

I didn't even want to come along!

Enough! Let's go.

Damn it to hell! Look at this.

His gasoline leaked all over!

The little bastard!

You said you were out of gas! Just look! A broken gas cap!

He didn't really want to come along. He ran out of fuel.

The lost sheep!

You should have come with us. Why be ashamed of that?

Let me go!

Stop it!

You gonna slap me again?

- Raffaele! - You'll pay for this!

Where are you going?

Is Moses' Ark a parable?

It's Noah's Ark, dummy!

He embraced that mummy and said:

"Lazarus, I forgive you this time...

but if you die again, I'll beat you up."

Good for Lazarus!

Happy Easter, Maestro.

Professor Sperelli, a letter for you.

Good evening, Professor. Did you all enjoy yourselves?

Weren't you sick today? You should have come aIong.

I was money sick.

Papa doesn't have any.

But... why didn't you tell me?

I'd have given it to you.

It's okay. Next time.

All right, next time.

When I'm big, I want to earn piles of money.

So do I.

My papa says without dough, you can't do anything.

And then he makes a disgusting face at himself...

in the mirror.

And I know that he wants to spit at himseIf.

And I feel sorry.

You shouldn't feel bad about your father. He's a good man.

See you tomorrow.

So long.

A beautiful evening.

I see that you, too, are enjoying...

your wall.

I received a letter today.

Some bad news about my future here.

It's made me sad.

Well, that's life.

I shouIdn't take it so hard.

"At least there's the sun," as Neapolitans say.

We also say...

"Life is like the ladder in a chicken coop.

Short and shitty."

I understand.

Too bad. My day started great.

The trip to Neaples with my kids.

We visited the royal palace in Caserta. We saw the fountains.

You know that Neaples is beautiful.

Excuse the rhetoric, sometimes it looks like a beautiful queen,

with her body lying by the sea.

Gutted and with her bowels out.

Seeing Neaples is like watching an autopsy.

I understand.

Fine.

Thank you...

for your comforting words.

I'm going to sleep.

Maestro!

Maestro, it's Raffaele Aiello.

My mama's sick. If she's not in the hospital soon, she'll die!

We'll have to call an ambulance.

Come on.

What is it?

Excuse me for disturbing you.

One of my pupils' mother is sick. Can I call an ambulance?

I keep the hospital's number here in case of emergencies.

- Here it is. - Thank you.

Calling the hospital is pointless! They won't come.

Be quiet. Let me do it.

They're in cahoots with the Mafia.

Hello, hospital? We need an ambulance.

It's a matter of life and death!

He's sick?

In Corzano.

What do you mean there aren't any?

- Call a private ambulance? - Forget it. They cost millions.

Excuse me. How much would that come to, more or less?

What? A million or two!

- Forget it. - You're disgusting!

Taking advantage of people's pain!

You're in cahoots with the Mafia! I'll report you.

They hung up.

Naturally they hung up. Let's get going!

I'll come with you.

Excuse me.

- We'll take my car. - We can't.

- Why not? - I punctured your tires.

What?

I punctured your tires, and I put sugar in the gas tank.

- Sugar? - It fucks up the engine.

Damn it! Why? Explain that to me!

For revenge. Remember how you made me look like shit?

Or did you forget?

Come on.

Now you don't want to help me! I knew it! Fuck you!

Wait. I'm coming with you. Wait!

I do want to help you. How do we take her there?

I'll pinch a car, and you'll drive.

Pinch a car?

I steal it, and you drive.

Okay.

Oh, damn! I'm not insured.

Let's go!

Forget about that one.

- Why? - I'll explain later. Come on!

- Look at those. - These here?

Not so loud! We're stealing!

Sorry. I'm new at this.

Damn, they're all locked.

Raffaele, I'll look over there.

Raffaele.

I'll steal this one. Let's steal this.

It's convenient and has a stick shift.

What the fuck? You wanna steal Half Ear's van?

- What's going on? - Yes. I can explain it to you.

Raffaele.

We were lucky.

Half Ear is a friend.

You see? There still are some good people around.

Sure. He's a black marketeer.

Sorry, Mrs. Annunziata. This road's very bumpy.

Never mind, Half Ear. I'm so grateful to you.

Thank you so much. Thank you all.

Help me.

Take the cigar box from under her head.

This cigarette carton is softer. She'll be more comfortabIe.

I ruined your car, and you're not even mad.

Revenge for what?

What did I do to you?

Before, they used to respect me.

You made me lose face in front of everybody.

I did?

You want to ruin my life and change me.

You want me to be like you.

But I want to be a man.

I don't wanna care for anybody.

Listen, excuse me. I'm sorry.

There's a sick woman. Please get a stretcher.

Wait. An orderly wllI be coming.

A good-looking girI--

Mama's in bad shape. Where are the orderlies?

- They're busy. - Busy.

What do you mean, busy? Can't you call them, please?

I'll call them.

Hey, asshole, get a stretcher now, or I'll slaughter you!

- But I'm a nurse. - Now you're an orderly!

All right.

You don't have to get excited.

Don't worry. 90% is a renal colic.

-90%, and the other 10? -Fine. 95%.

She's in pain!

The nurse will give her a shot.

Can't you see the problems we have here? Be patient!

The nurse will come to give her a shot.

Nurses? They fuck all night long!

They fuck?

They fuck, fuck, fuck. And they don't give a fuck.

This pIace is filthy.

There are roaches in the beds, but the raghead is the worst.

What?

The raghead. The nun. The sister.

When she walks, everybody trembles.

If I met her on the street, I'd run her over.

Here you're better off dead.

Mama! Mama!

Where's her shot?

Hold on, kid. How dare you!

If Half Ear were here, she'd already have her shot.

What's going on? Quiet! Why's this kid here? Out! Scram!

Ugly, bratty bitch!

Give this woman a shot now! Or will you wait until she dies?

You ugly raghead!

All right, calm down!

You're crazy!

Get that injection ready.

- I'm sorry. - You were better than Half Ear.

How is she?

Don't worry. The worst is over.

Please.

Go haul ass an git th' 6:15. Aunt's cumin'.

You understand?

Not a word.

You'd better leave, or you'll miss the 6:15 bus.

My aunt is coming.

Okay, but when your mother wakes up...

tell her I owe her a basket of eggs.

How come?

She gave them to me so I'd get you back to school...

and off the streets.

But now I won't be able to earn them.

I'm being transferred. I'm going back up north.

Jesus! For real?

Jesus. For real.

Although you don't want to admit it...

you were beginning to change.

Me? You got some nerve!

You're changing!

How?

You stole a van.

You smacked a nun against a wall.

Two more weeks with me, and you'd learn how to live.

Then it's really time for me to leave.

Look here.

- Two nice color photos. - Can I sign it?

Yes, you should all sign it. And write a lot.

Thank you. Staying with you was like being at home.

Professor...

if you get lonely among those mountains...

come back here.

Okay.

You'll marry Esterina, eh?

A good idea.

There's her husband's pension, my pension, yours--

- We like you a lot. - Teacher.

These are our compositions about parables.

Read them on the train.

No, no. Give them to the new teacher.

Please, behave yourseIves with him.

For Easter, send me a postcard.

You know the address.

Sure. We have to send you the car with a new engine.

It'll be ready in 15 days.

I'll never forget you, not even when you're dead.

Teacher, can I write to you?

Yes, but in your best handwriting.

If I write, will you answer?

Yes.

You promise?

I promise.

Teacher.

Salvatore...

Sco-gna-mi-glio.

Very good!

Professor, this is for you.

It's a man's earring.

It's made of gold!

We all chipped in.

Except Tommasina.

But I--

I'll wear it now, okay?

No?

The left! The right's for...

faggots!

Oh, yes.

Raffaele didn't come?

You can't leave without seeing this beauty!

I haven't seen you in school recently.

I've been on maternity leave.

- I know. - Well?

Well--

Professor, you finally managed to go back up north.

I did?

It's you who sent me away.

- We? No, you! - You!

No, not us! You did!

You did. Anyway, good evening.

My regards to the stud of Seville.

Same to your sister!

Well, my regards to that fart jockey who's your mama.

Good for you, Professor. Have a good trip. Good-bye.

This is for you.

What's in here?

My composition. I tried.

Good for you.

School is bad, but you're not.

Michele, hurry back.

Please come back soon!

I'll come back, and I'll bring mozzarella!

Composition.' My favorite parable...

is about the end of the world.

It doesn't scare me since I'll already be dead a whole century.

God will divide everybody...

to the right and to the left.

Those in the center will go to Purgatory.

There'll be millions... more than there are Chinese people.

There will be three doors.' A huge one for hell...

a medium one for Purgatory...

and a tiny one for Heaven.

Then God will say, "Silence, all of you. "

And then he'll divide everyone.

One here, another one there.

If any smartasses try to switch doors...

God will see them and say, "Hey, where you goin'?"

The Earth will explode. The stars will explode.

The sky will explode. Corzano will be in a thousand pieces.

The good will laugh, and the bad will cry.

Those in Purgatory will laugh a little and cry a little.

The babies will turn into butterflies.

Me, let's hope I make it.